#i spent all my teens years wanting to experience romantic love but now that i have the occasions to do so i actually. dont want it

[lesbicastagna]

sorry today i feel like my heart is out of my chest. im still thinking about how insane it sounded when talking abt excavation crush i said aloud to friends that "i didn't need it to go anywhere im overwhelmed with gratitude just because she made me experience feelings like that". it felt fine and logical in my head but vocalizing it made me realize. that's weird and not normal what the fuck are you saying

[smrtnik07]

librarians redesigned!!! by me!!! :)

the designs are free to use, i used this as a character design exercise for myself while recovering from carpal tunnel issues! read more for all the individual designs + me ranting :*

first off roland!! i included an angelica in here, i designed her before him, shes very triangular to me.. maybe a bit more messed up than roland tells us about, he is a biased narrator afterall. anyways i wanted his design to match hers nicely, so hes like a rounded square type of guy... i think projmoon designed him to be Just A Guy intentionally, so i played into it. overall the least interesting design of the bunch imo. its on purpose :)

angela !!! my baby :) an important thing here is her bangs. i dont want her hair to be able to recover from however many years she spent with the hard middle part in lobcorp, i think its cute to incorporate it still. swoopy, fluffy hair for her! and the clothes are just a bit more casual idk the librarian uniforms were kinda boring and stiff to me, as much as it does go with her character.. if u wanna be human u gotta experience the joy of sweatpants or whatever. also i didnt add color but i dont want her to be fully white<3 or fully clear skinned.. give her sunspots on her face. she finally gets to experience sun. :)

guess ill go in order of appearance lol. malkuth! whats the headband for if it doesnt keep anything out of her face!! since shes a bit more active than some of her colleagues, i also gave her a ponytail(its also for the silhouette...) also gave her some chubbier thighs.. also maybe a butler-esque coat, at least to me; i just made it a bit more form fitting than the original. playing into her personality or whatever. shes cute.. remember to take deep breaths!!

yesod!! i want to play into the skin issues a bit more, i still removed his gloves but i gave him a poncho, not just for the square silhouette im trying to build but for more coverage. also emo hair over eyes was funny. also wide flare pants for you, boy. just very square and put together in general

hod! this ones my favorite (i even cared enough to give her a pattern on that skirt!!) it was kinda bugging me how in the artbook i couldnt tell who was writing because hod's, malkuth's, and tiphereth's colors are so similar. so hod is pink now, and malkuth a bit more orange. i kinda went for a romantic poet thing here, dunno how much that worked out, but i think out of everyone you can tell shes the literature girl. gave her pigtails !! theyre cute :> also since i removed the coat decoration off of angela, i gave part of it to hod in the bottom of her coat :). cute and round!

netzach is a very strange man to me.. ellipse shape and loose fitting clothes for u. if i saw him irl i wouldnt approach him. not to say i dont like him as a character, i love him, but i want him to look like a depressed guy who would pick up art as a hobby to distract himself and it works. bro is just surviving out there. also gave him comfy clothes to make the surviving easier, down to the shoes and wide, id assume non-denim pants - maybe cotton? maybe sweatpants that dont fit around the ankle? who knows.

tiphereth!! since she's like the teen girl of the group i gave her a skater dress, converse, and a tied coat around her waist.. like how i used to wear as a teen when i was being a hater and recovering from a death in the family that changed my entire life (im still a teen ... 9 more days till im 20 as of posting this). also gave her fishnets i think she would like that. i imagine she would get headaches bc of those dumb braids on her head<3 or maybe bc her coworkers are kinda dumb<3

gebura :) round face, reverse triangle shaped body.. like a true butch lesbian stereotype.. i decided a leather jacket, docs and pants i see metalheads wear would fit her! red leather jacket, of course. also gave her spiky hair just like projmoon did<3 my favorite detail here are the eyebrows, i think their shape is rlly neat! nvm i think its just that gebura is rlly neat. anyways the eyebrows fit her

chesed my boy.. idk i just saw him and hit him with the transmasc beam and gave him , as the kids say, wh0re eyes. i wanted him to have rounder hips and just be round in general. turtleneck and cardigan combo also, i think he would like wearing that. also somewhat curlier hair, or at least wavy would do him well! and a tote bag, i dont doubt that he would go out to read in coffee shops if he could - so he gets a tote bag to carry his sociology books. i want him to look like he would give the warmest, comfiest hugs and be friend shaped

binah!! this one was the most challenging, trying to find the right place for the colors - to not use too little or too much yellow. i still dont think i got it right but this is as close as im getting. long face, long nose, siren-ish eyes.. messed up in the head bird lady that speaks like hannibal! i also dont think a dress really suits her so i opted for wide pants and a fancy black button up .. maybe angela styled her, who knows. also black fingertips which is a trait i like to give the arbiters (including an oc).. just my own little consistency thing i like to do :)

hi grandpa! ok for hokma i dont think the changes are that big? i gave him O shaped legs and his sword thing i turned into a walking cane, gave him a vest (didnt want to opt for a corset but i think he would enjoy the back support for proper posture) . also gave him a mild gradient from darker gray to lighter gray, since he IS the gray part of the ABC trio. gave him salt and pepper hair and an older face. forgot to draw it, but i wanted to give him a silicone tip for the sword so it doesnt dull out, which he can take off when recieving guests

honorary mention to go along with the angelica i mentioned with roland, i mildly changed up her twin(k) brother. i gave argalia and angie the same hair but mirrored, his a bit more curly and hers a bit more spikey, his face a bit more edgy, hers a bit rounder and kinder. not much else to say here, i liked his design as is, but wanted to add him here :)

[eeriefeelingsat3amuwu]

Whatever labels I use, However old I am, wherever I live, it doesn’t matter. Inside I will always be the eight year old girl who grabbed the Fellowship of the ring from the cabinet where my Dad kept all of his books and read the entire trilogy in two weeks.

I will always be the eleven year old girl who carried The two towers around so much and read is so frequently that despite it being a hardback, the back fell off and some of the pages fell out and I lost the cover somewhere.

Every now and again, I return to the time when I first read through the hobbit and cried my eyes out when Thorin died and every time since then that I read through the book and it never stopped the tears.

I bought the first edition re-release of the hobbit not too long ago, with ilustrations and such a lovely cover. I spent my food money for that week on it. It was worth it.

Whenever I listen to the Shire theme song from the movies that shaped my teens, I always cry so hard with the longing for home, despite the fact that I’m sitting on my own bed in the flat where I grew up in.

It’s so hard to put all my thoughts into words, honestly. I’ve never been able to do it justice, yet my Pure love for it seeped into my words enough so that I made four of my friends read it, just so they could go through that rolecoaster of emotions I described.

I rewatched the movies with my friend this summer. We just sat in her flat for the entire time, we talked and ate some food and we watched. We made fun of some of the parts and we both were at the Edge of our seats when the Battles were happening. Even if we had to split it into two days because I got a migraine, I still look at that experience and am so fucking happy about it.

This book series, these movies, they gave me something nothing since was able to replicate. And I’ve read a lot of books, watched hundreds of movies, series and played loads of games. Nothing comes close.

The people of that world are close to my heart. It was a huge part of my childhood, my teens, it shaped me as a person and I can never be thankful enough for it.

The love portrayed, whether I see it as platonic or romantic, is there and it’s real and it’s the reason why I want to support my friends and the people around me as much as I can, it’s the reason I want to be a therapist.

Fucking hell man. I love The Lord of the Rings.

*edited because the friend I watched the movies with is now trans ;)

[wintermelonbear]

Just Another Picture to Burn

Summary: Just a cute little friendship between Jon, Damian, and Marinette. Can be read platonically or with some romantic inclination. Just two friends who want the best for each other and will celebrate each other’s milestones 

Sidenote: I haven’t written anything in years, but dragged my butt to write this for the MGI civil war so proceed with caution.

Sharp green eyes open up to the world moments before the buzz of a phone alarm signals the need to get up. Out of an abundance of caution stemming from his tumultuous upbringing the young teen scans the room for any signs of an intruder, most days this is a fruitless endeavor, but Damian could never find himself to drop this habit. He notes an envelope on his desk and reaches for the compressed bo staff under his pillow. As he approached the desk the only sound that could be heard was the light creak of the manor’s floorboards and low mumblings coming from the kitchen. A sigh of relief breaks this silence as Damian recognizes the gentle script sprawled across the front of the pale pink envelope spelling out “To Dami”. 

Cautiously he flips the envelope checking for signs of tampering. While the sentiment is nice, the choice to send a handwritten letter rather than a text was out of left field from his companion. He notes with a slight grin that she had used the wax seal he gifted her after the defeat of Hawkmoth. Sliding a batarang out from the underside of his desk he slices open the top of the envelope to reveal a piece of thick cardstock. At this Damian’s brow moves into a sharp arch, what could have been so important, yet so minimal that she had to portal over to his place in the middle of the night. Pulling out a piece of pristine white paper, he reads, "You, me & Jon. 7 pm CET. I already checked with your dad, so no excuses. Love, Mari”

Picking up his phone –the latest from Wayne Tech– he taps out a message to his top contact, “Spotted Menace”. A bright blue message populates the screen reading out, “An invite? To what exactly?” For emphasis, he adds in a raised eyebrow emoji then after some contemplation adds in a thinking emoji. Following that text, he quickly snaps a picture of the note to Marinette to confirm he received her letter before preparing for the day. 

Before leaving his room he picks up the envelope again, this time to admire her handiwork instead of ascertaining its threat level. Turning to the back of the envelope his chest puffs out a bit as he dons a victorious smile he takes in his handiwork. She had used the wax seal stamp he had gifted her on her 16th birthday. He hand-carved the image of a ladybug resting on a branch of plum blossoms, to signify her new beginning as a hero by choice and not by necessity after the defeat of Hawkmoth.

As Damian slipped into the driver’s seat of his sleek sedan he mused that 12-year-old Damian would be utterly baffled by the person he is today –apart from being the stronger member of the new generation of heroes, that has always been a given (Somewhere Jon is rolling his eyes). Honestly, when Damian first met Marinette he found her pathetic. She was just a worthless little girl who was gifted powers beyond her capability to wield, and he never hid his disdain for her. Thus, to young pre-teen Marinette the youngest Robin was just a massive dickhead who had no feelings apart from his superiority complex. He was an embodiment of torment; the worst parts of Felix and Chloe combined. Not to say that Damian is perfect now, but at the time he lacked the perspective he gained from his travels to and return from Lazarus Island. Now he has spent more time learning from others’ experiences, has gone through his first heartbreak after Flatline decided that time spent with him was distracting her from her personal goals, and all of that has taught him to care and have some level of empathy. He may not be like Marinette and Jon, ready to do what is right solely because they blindly believe in the goodness of others, but he understands that even if he may not find value in someone, that does not mean their life is worthless. 

The first time Robin acknowledged that despite Ladybug’s lack of technical combat skills, she had plenty of other skills that other heroes would be envious of, Nightwing attempted to give him a “bear hug” and Superboy nearly fell from the sky. What Robin to this day doesn’t know about that night is that his comm was connected to Ladybug’s and the reason she fell off the roof was not the attacker’s sharp jab to her ribs, but rather the shock of Robin giving her any form of praise. From then on Marinette decided maybe Robin was capable of growing a heart, and while it may have started as one-sided conversations with her rambling on about herself and basic topics of conversation – how’s the weather in the Gotham? It’s been warm in Paris! Did you see the new Mecha Strike game launch? What’s your favorite dessert? –  eventually, Damian started warming up to her. 

By the time the youngest Wayne snaps out of his reverie, the bell has rung signaling the dismissal of his second-period and the start of the school’s 20-minute break. Fishing through his pockets, and quickly unlocking his phone he finds several missed messages from Marinette, Jon, and their group chat “Talk Shit Get Hit”. After skimming through their private messages, Damian bites the bullet and opens up “Talk Shit Get Hit” to begin tackling the growing number of messages. Scrolling to the top of the chain of unread messages he sends Jon spamming the chat with unintelligible keyboard smashes followed by “MARI HOW DID YOU GET US OUT OF LIZZIE-SITTING DUTIES???”, Damian swears that the capslock on Jon’s keyboards must be worn down with his overusage. He reacts to the message with a set of eye emojis because there are very few people Diana trusts with her fussy toddler and he knows for a fact that she’s in the midst of an investigation into a rapidly expanding crime syndicate. As he scrolls further he is dismayed to find out Marinette cashed in this free day in exchange for a date night babysitting gig in addition to normal babysitting duties. Damian loves Lizzie like a younger sister and of course, wants her to be in the care of someone befitting of her status. Still, he has been yelled at one too many times for taking her on patrol with him, and sometimes bringing a 3-foot-tall sidekick with a tutu (courtesy of Marinette) kills his intimidation factor. Once he makes it past a wall of crying emojis and gifs of betrayal from Jon, the chat goes back to its normal contents, filled with reels shared between Jon and Mari, and complaints about their teachers. Jon eventually asks Marinette what she has planned for tonight that is worth the extra babysitting duties, but Marinette declines to answer and instead tells him to be patient.

After school Damian carefully considers his outfit but sticks with his classic black turtleneck and a pair of khakis, Marinette will call him boring but what does she know? She used to have a crush on a guy who exclusively wore a striped shirt with an open button-up and bright orange Converses. Once they became comfortable with one another Marinette made it VERY well-known that while she wished his civilian wear had more diversity and color, she found his original Robin suit to be a “crime against fashion and most people’s eyeballs”. Stating that only traffic lights would appreciate sharing a color palette with him. Damian argued that it’s tradition, while Marinette replied with “It’s fugly and you know it. Y o u! ditched the design in the first place”. Rolling his eyes, he heads to the window and yells out “Jon! I am ready!” and with a flash of blue and red Jon shows up at his window clad in a red hoodie and blue jeans. The Super family really needs to consider their civilian “disguises”. 

Swooping Damian up into his arm Jon bolts out the window and into the sky towards Paris until they reach a familiar flowered rooftop. After two taps to the trap door beneath them, the door abruptly gave way and Damian was met with a loud POP and confetti raining down onto him. Quickly Marinette busted out the door cake in hand and in unison started singing with Jon. While it was not a rare occurrence for Marinette to provide them with sweets at her residence, what was on the cake was the strange part. It was a picture of one of his earlier Robin outfits? One that after many earfuls from Marinette knew to be her least favorite, why would she put it on a cake?? 

“Happy outfit death to you! Happy outfit death to you! You no longer look like a traffic light! Happy outfit death to you!” Out of seemingly thin air, Marinette pulled out a lighter and lit the top layer on fire revealing a picture of his new outfit underneath. “You do not know how relieved I am that I do not have to be with someone whose color palette matches a kindergarten classroom rug, and not a cute one”.

Damian with a puzzled expression questions her, “Is this something to be celebrated? Besides that I changed outfits months ago”. Marinette looked at him mouth agape. “Close your mouth you will catch flies at this rate”.

Almost as if rehearsed Jon and Marinette reply in unison “What are you my maman/ma”?

After clearing her throat Marinette went to explain, “There are plenty of things to celebrate for your outfit change! You’re finding out the type of Robin you’re going to be, and I personally believe that is a worthy cause for celebration. Besides, after Monarch’s downfall, I was really struggling to figure out what to do myself. My whole world felt like it splintered into pieces, but you and Jon were there to help me figure things out when the consequences of my actions™ struck. I want you to feel empowered too, even if you don’t need it the same way I did”. With a smile Marinette brought out some forks, “Now let’s dig in”! If it made him uncomfortable how quickly his friends stabbed his frosting face with their forks, he didn’t let it show.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo

[pan-gaa]

My problem with the BL industry -part 1-

Where do we draw the line?

I want to start this by saying I myself have been a BL fan for many years, I just want to share my thoughts on the issues cultivated by this industry in the eyes of a queer man. I want to focus on the sexualization of “toxic” more so abusive relationships that are portrayed. Because the manwha Jinx is one of the most popular BLs at the moment and it fits as an example of my point, I’ll be speaking a little bit about it.

What was the purpose of the BL genre? Well for women it was a media that served as escapism since most mature media was very much male oriented. Women could not feel connected to the characters portrayed only to please men’s disturbing fantasies. Between the impossible body standards and the clear lack of regard for the woman autonomy it isn’t a surprise that women felt quite disconnected from 18+ media. That’s when an adult genre came to fruition, 18+ media for women by women but no woman was portrayed in these stories in fact the main focus was relationships between 2 men. The disconnect from societal pressures helped woman enjoy 18+ content without feeling guilt or disgust. But how a genre created to disconnect toxic attributes in media became just that but for another demographic? Now the people on the other end of this discomfort are queer people, not only gay men. Romanticizing dangerous power dynamics, dubious consent, sexualizing toxic stereotypes,infantilization ect. The list goes on of all real life issues that the queer community deal with but are nothing but entertainment within this genre.

Not all BLs are bad! Im very aware since again I am quite the fan of some but this is more me criticizing the industry per se. The problem is that toxicity sells, what companies want is to sell and that opens the doors for people to make more toxicity for whatever their reasons. All that moves us to where we are today were we have one the most popular current themes being Stockholm syndrome and how it is hot. I’ve been seeing myself how I have been dropping more series than I have finished, I kept getting hit with more and more of this toxic clichés. It was like I was playing bingo and hoping I didn’t win, I would get so excited for stories that did the bare minimum and yet those were hard to find which has made my current experience quite exhausting. Of course I’m no longer the teen who would let anything pass because “hot characters” and even more hot scenes but now as an adult that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Showing toxic situations in media on its own is not the problem but it is the context in which they are shown, these are not cautionary tales but “love stories” the intent is for you to root for those characters. Not only is the relationships an issue but the way they portray queer people overall, the disrespect for bisexual people, trans people and lesbians in some of these stories is quite appalling since these are suppose to be queer stories. I think this says a lot about the industry and some of the artists involved, before it could maybe be used as an excuse the lack of knowledge but to me that no longer holds in the age of the internet.

Now I’ll like to mention one of the stories I’ve personally been a little tired of seeing, Jinx. I was quite interested in the manwha when it was announced, as I’ve mentioned before I’m all about the visuals and seeing the improvement of the artist was endearing. I’m aware the BL is still ongoing but I have read BJ Alex which can add a little context on how the artist manages their stories. This is not a personal diss on the artist or those who are reading the story, I just think with all these kinds of popular stories we gotta ask ourselves, Where do we draw the line? Jinx is your typical story of the protagonist being someone that went thru trauma and has to spent their whole life trying to pay some insane debt, then comes the romantic interest being a famous rich person with an unchecked personality disorder that takes advantage of the power dynamic and uses the protagonist to his convenience. It is quite an overdone premise and in this story we see it as a black listed physical therapist and a famous athlete, the protagonist Dan appears to act like an Angel while Jaekyung keeps bullying him and using him for other acts. The story so far has been quite literally only this, and you see in the comments people hoping for a redemption arc for Jaekyung, at some point in this story readers have to realize that a good ending would be Dan leaving this situation but unfortunately I don’t have much hope for that. Jinx is not the only story doing this but it is one of the most popular at the moment, we also have stories like Painter Of The Night which is literally the love story between a kidnapper and his victim.

BL is a genre that can be enjoyed by anyone yet it seems like lately it can become queer stories but not for queer people but more so toxic fantasies put onto another group of people that also have to fight for their own respect. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy good ol 18+ media that is morally grey or maybe somewhat toxic but when an industry gains so much money on portraying real issues as unserious fantasies so continuously, I think it’s time we ask ourselves as the readers; When is it too much? When does it get disrespectful to the people it’s portraying? Where do we draw the line?

[bo-an-aro]

aro joy, to me, is first and foremost the profound relief in being able to enjoy my own company. the never needing a life partner by my side to feel content. I'm so grateful for that ability.

my mom was the biggest romantic I've known. she fell in love with my dad in her early twenties and never stopped. she died in her early fifties from complications related to alcoholism - my dad never really loved her back, is the thing. he left when I was two.

I spent over two decades watching her suffer from that heartbreak, watching her try and fail over and over with men who never deserved her, developing traumas of my own from realizing so early in life that I was never gonna be enough to keep her happy. my love wasn't The One True Love. I couldn't save her no matter how hard I tried. and man, I tried.

my love grew complicated. it grew teeth.

I tried to protect her and I had to bury her. the aftermath was years spent in a fog, dragging my feet. all battle-forged apathy and caged animal rage, taking turns. grief is the price we pay for love. it can be hard to spot any difference between the two in the end.

I've clawed my way out now. I miss her, and I'm still angry. I'm never gonna stop being angry. but I'm also grateful. I'm also relieved.

my aro joy is finding a new apartment only big enough for me and a pet or two, leaving behind the place that still reserved spaces for a ghost.

my aro joy is carrying my friendships in cupped hands to keep them warm, or in my breast pocket for safe-keeping, for going-with. it's a gentle longing to bridge a gap, but also adoring from a distance and having that be enough. it's wishing plane tickets were cheaper.

my aro joy is the crucial difference between a need and a want. it's experiences not feeling lesser in the absence of company. it's knowing I was never a half, always everything. it's having my people always be welcome, but never required. my aro joy is having no one to impress, not like that. it's being able to leave the house without making sure I'm looking my best, always, just in case. it's the amusement of watching friends root through their closets, frantic, because what do they wear? it's the remembering that even in my teens, years before I carved the word aromantic into the tree reserved for initials in a heart-shaped enclosure, I always asked why they even bothered, it's not like anyone's worth all this fuss. my aro joy is my purpose in life being solely for me to decide, never the subject of someone else's opinions. my canvas is not for others to stain. I buy my own paints. I capture my own sunsets. my aro joy is being honest when I see a romantic pair go about their life and think good for them. it's being equally genuine when that thought is followed by another that says I'm glad to be different. my aro joy is having my dog's leash in one hand and freshly-picked wildflowers in the other. it's knowing no one is waiting up when I walk him at night because he's reactive and I'm really not that fond of crowds either. it's staying out even later because we got caught in a summer deluge and it never rains that hard here, we're not missing this for the world. it's having him leave muddy pawprints on the floor and laughing without fear of waking anyone up as I towel him dry. my aro joy is having so many beautiful memories to lean on when I need them, and knowing that the only person who stands in the way of me making more is myself. my aro joy is being single in my thirties, willing to share my space only with pets and friends, and happier than I've probably ever been. despite everything.

[ferociouslycreativemystery]

One of the most fucked up things about peer bullying is how without intervention, even years later it will make you look at an unrelated group of people that you sympathise with and want to be a part of a little too much, and it will still make you feel sick to your stomach because How could I even approach them? Literally what would that entail? How do I belong to something without giving up my entire sense of self? What does a healthy friendship look like, in practice, for me? Because I don't come from a particularly tragic background in general, but I never had that. Now when talking directly to people, I just melt away into a mirror. I disappear, even from myself.

Forget romantic heartbreak, I need songs and stories that give platonic relationships their due, cause this shit can fuck you up just as bad if not in even more fundamental ways. Because you need to be able to at least form sustained if shallow relationships with people in your immediate surroundings to like. function? Survive? With employers, coworkers, neighbours, doctors, etc., even if you don't have any friends. Especially in a society built around the ideal of Every Person for Themselves. Independence and freedom are great and all, but we very much do still need to lean on each other for support when we stumble in order to keep everything going.

So you'll forgive me if I don't see the joke in "they should have been bullied more in school", because having lived that reality it didn't make me normal, it made me fear myself and admitting any connection to other people like me. Which only made me act stranger and more erratic, because I lost my beacon. And now trying to hold onto or even look at it, or someone, burns, because I've been living in the cold and dark for too long. It's baby steps emerging from Plato's cave, trying to learn in my mid-20s what most people figured out in their early teens. This process has also introduced me to an entirely new realm of shame that I must learn to cope with at the same time. As a fresh experience, getting better isolates you in entirely new and not-so-exciting ways from peers who already got over this. I fucking hate it.

But the only way out is through, and one day I will be out. Because at least now I have something to fight for. I just wish I could have spent all this time loving it, instead of running away, hollow, simply trying to survive.

[mangoshorthand]

Your thoughts on the Five going to school/college in S4 speculations? And Five’s journey in S4 in general? I kind of dislike the idea. The man is nearly 60 and tired, I want him to have a break instead of dealing with teens and homework.

I can understand where the thoughts are coming from though, because what is he supposed to do at 13 with no powers, but I can imagine he would be so done there, and you can see he is cleanly uncomfortable being stucked in his teenage body. Two new characters where officially introduced to work as professors, maybe Five will be one too? Probably for maths?

In general I am curious where the story will go for him.

Will he stay in his body and catch up the years he lost in the apocalypse? Because I remember Aidan saying something like Five never got to discover who he really is. But then he would be mentally like, over 100 in the future?

Will he get his old body back? But Aidan not playing his last scene would be sad, Aidan is born for this role. Aidan is Five.

Will he die? Sounds logical since we have the problem with his body, and he is always the one who tries to saves everyone’s ass. (And still gets scolded instead of getting a hug or thank you, which bugs me). But Five dying after everything he’s been through would also break not me but I guess everyone who loves his character.

I am sorry for the long ask, but I really liked your answer about AroAce Five and I am interested in your thoughts about this as well!

Well, ya know, now you meeenntion it, I actually have a fic on Ao3 about Five ending up in juvie after losing his powers, called Alias Number Five so you might consider this as part of my speculation on a possible S4 trajectory. But enough pushing my own shit:

School/University?

I don't see Five going to school. I think, even in a situation where he was forced to, it would be clear that he could pass his final exams within the first month and he would be accelerated. I don't think he would tolerate school. I can imagine him enjoying being around kids in the way an indulgent uncle might but I don't think he'd tolerate a school setting for long. University is more likely in my opinion. I think Five is someone who wants rest, but I honestly think he would get bored shitless of retirement within a couple of weeks. He might have the memories and experience of an older man, but his body is not. A lot of the physical and mental tiredness you get when you're older is physiological (the brain and body slowing down, becoming less adaptable) and Five has the physical body and brain as a young person. He'd simply have too much energy to spend 70+ years fucking about fishing and gardening. I can see academia in something like maths, engineering or theoretical physics as a happy medium: he would have a long term project but enough time to breathe while he did it. Very little urgency, plenty of time to goof off and find himself, time to actually grow up and discover who he is. Just like we all do at college.

Body?

I doubt Five will get his body back. And I don't want that for him either. He actually does need to grow up and learn to navigate the non-apocalyptic world and relationships with other humans. He needs the time and energy that the younger body will give him to do that. All my fics about him are, at their core, about his inability to do this, (or learning how to). I find it really interesting to imagine how he would approach normal interpersonal things (e.g. romantic relationships, communicating his feelings, parenthood) when his most formative years were spent without other people. He's naive yet jaded and that's a fascinating combination. Also, as great as AG is, I have to put in a shout for Old Five's actor. Sean Sullivan is brilliant too and definitely does the character justice. Their work together is very impressive.

Death?

I think his death is not unlikely as a plot point. If he does, I think he will die in the way that Allison and Klaus 'appeared' to die and then came back. How they'll achieve that, I don't know. Five is a very self-sacrificing person and I have no doubt he would sacrifice himself for his siblings if called upon to do so. It would make sense for his character. I am also frustrated by how much his siblings take this for granted, (another theme in Alias Number Five!), and Five choosing to die to save them could be the thing to kick them up the ass and get them to start appreciating him. It would make narrative sense, you know?

Thanks for the ask. I like to pontificate. 😊

[bisexualchrissycunningham]

📓

There are a few different ideas I've been noodling with, but there's a few I wanna keep under wraps for now, cause I'm terrible at announcing detailed plots and then never writing them (😬) Here's one I'm happy to share, though it's a gen fic that would eventually feature background Hellcheer:

The Cunninghams and the Binghams always spent their summers at the same lakeside resort. Maybe somewhere in the Adirondacks, not sure on that yet, just that it's somewhere in the general Northwest region of the States. Chrissy and Eden met and became friends as kids, but it's not until the summer they meet Kali that they all make a promise to stay in touch and become pen pals.

I was thinking they girls would all be around 13 or so. Maybe Eden and Chrissy would be 12, and Kali 13, as I think she's probably a bit older. It would be within the months after Kali escaped the lab on her own, and she's homeless and on the run. Chrissy and Eden find her stealing food from the kitchen one night and make it their mission to take care of her while they can - sneaking meals, bringing her blankets and clean clothes. After some thorough sneaking, they find an abandoned shed on the outskirts of the resort and the 3 of them work together to make it livable for Kali - kind of like her very own Castle Byers.

Over the years, Kali moves around a bit but maintains a PO box where she can receive mail from Eden and Chrissy. Chrissy and Eden's love and friendship helps Kali be a little more trusting, and to let go of some of the anger and self-destructive lessons she learned from Brenner and Henry. When El finds her in '84, she's a different person. She's not hunting lab employees, though she has located a few of them and spent more than one night calling Eden and Chrissy with *69 to cry and beg them to stop her from doing something dangerous with the information.

I think Eden and Chrissy as they move into their teens would talk more about religion and what it means to them. Eden would rebel first, being dismissive and angry about how restrictive her parents are and her awakening pushes Chrissy to start questioning things too. Having two sounding boards completely removed from her daily life is vital in keeping Chrissy from fully succumbing to her mother's control.

The summer vacation when Chrissy and Eden are 16 is when Eden confesses to them she thinks she likes girls and boys, Kali confesses she's not sure she's interested in sex at all (I headcanon her as demisexual and hasn't met anyone who awakened that part of her yet), and Chrissy just wants to dreamily recount the story of the Boy with the Guitar from the middle school talent show. Again. (They've heard the story MANY times).

Basically it's a coming of age story of female friendship where everyone is a little less traumatized than in canon cause I'm giving them love and support they didn't have before. It feels like the sort of universe that could be the setting for a lot of different types of stories.

I think Eden was definitely Chrissy's first kiss at least, and Kali probably experimented with both of them when she was trying to figure out what she liked because they were the only truly safe people in her life until she reconnected with El. There is definitely a lifelong physical intimacy between the 3 of them that goes beyond friendship at different points in their lives, but never becomes something overtly romantic. I think there's room for an interesting exploration of a poly dynamic with Stali, Rockie and Eden (maybe Argyle too, though I'm not married to that ship) once they reach their 20s and realize that's a possibility. Hellcheer would be monogamous and codependent as hell, but super open and supportive of their friends exploring the boundaries of what their relationships can look like.

I don't know if I'll ever even start writing this, but I'm very attached to the Chrissy, Kali & Eden best friendship that exists in my head.

[emilybrontesghost]

So I’d like to talk about queer experiences today and the discovery of my own identity, because I think talking about these things is important and because I would have wanted to read it because seeing someone’s experience might have helped me. 🤷‍♀️ In short, my evolution as a queer woman I sometimes feel is a bit different from other people’s that I’ve heard. First of all, I didn’t know from a young age. I guess I could technically be classed as a later in life queer woman. I’m only 26, but I do definitely feel older than some people who knew much younger and because society also has this narrative that still persists that if you’re queer, you immediately know it as a young kid. This wasn’t my experience though. I was out of my teens before I really truly knew what was up. I was a fairly sheltered kid and teen so my exposure to queer stuff was pretty limited just because at that time there wasn’t as much like there is now anyway. Also, I didn’t know anybody except a few relatives I didn’t see super often who were queer and didn’t have any friends who were. My best friend growing up was also religious. So I was a boy crazy teen because I was filled with hormones and I loved the fantasy of having a crush. I had posters on my walls of good looking actors and I spent hours on my Pinterest posting pictures of men with beautiful eyes and chiseled cheek bones. Men were foreign, beautiful creatures that were like the stuff of dreams. Pretty much all these men were fictional characters though and celebrities. I didn’t have any guys who were friends and I rarely interacted with boys at all in the real world. For me, the actors I obsessed over were mainly outlets for my physical yearnings.

I remember feeling really lost in my teen years. I liked men, or the idea of them at least, but I did not like myself. I had started to dislike my body. I didn’t like my curves and how my bra size seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. I didn’t like the pressure now that I felt that to be attractive to men I needed to work on my appearance and “make an effort.” Suddenly, love seemed something to compete for, to be purchased at my own expense. I wanted boys to like me so badly but I didn’t know how to make them do so and still see me as me and not just a girl trying to hit on them. I wanted them to really see me. I became so unhappy with myself I started to feel that maybe the only way to get them to love me AND not lose myself was to become one of them. I didn’t want to be their complement, I wanted to be their equal, but that seemed impossible the way things are where women have never been regarded as men’s equals. I felt that the problem must lie with me. I remember crying to my mom about how I was so confused. I wanted to be a boy because I didn’t know how to exist as a girl but really, it felt like there were no good choices. Eventually these feelings of wanting to be a boy faded to the background. After further reflection, I realized that my gender was not the source of my problem and changing it was not the solution.

I had never questioned my sexuality as a teen. I liked boys, at least I was pretty certain I did, but girls never even crossed my mind. In some ways this fact has made me feel a bit alienated from other queer women. I don’t have any school girls crushes that I can look back to as confirmation of who I am the way they can. I don’t have a story of kissing a friend at a sleepover as “practice” for boys or a memory of a game of spin the bottle that I enjoyed a little too much. I’ve actually never kissed anyone to this day, and I’m 26. I had no romantic experience at all, and I assumed I liked men so, ergo, I must be straight. I didn’t really even confront this assumption head-on until I was about 18. This is when I first started to question. I met my first lesbian in a college art class and we began a flirtation that I find myself actually really liking. I liked the attention from her the way I had liked attention from boys in the past. It was flattering. I thought about kissing her to see what it was like. But nothing ever happened. Really, she was not my type and we would have not suited each other, so it was okay, but since I never saw her again after that class, it was easy with her disappearance to put my questioning aside once again. “Surely,” I thought to myself, “if I liked women I would know. I would absolutely know and it would be very obvious.”

More time went by. I turned 21 and I met a guy in one of my English classes. He was handsome and seemed interested in talking to me, something that was in itself unusual. I liked the attention and so we started hanging out. Coffee turned into lunch dates, and the movies. He was cute and I started to wonder if he’d be my first bf and other people thought the same. I thought about kissing him and the idea was nice because he was cute. I didn’t feel anything else for him though. Other than curiosity I didn’t feel affection. I wonder sometimes what would have happened had it happened. But it didn’t. But there was something else that had started to creep in: discomfort. Despite acknowledging he was handsome I was starting to pull away and the prospect of being with him, of him being my bf, became more and more unappealing. While getting ready to go out with him I felt a sense of dread, a desire to just get it over with so I could come back home again. Again, I felt that age old pressure to perform. To make myself small, to make myself palatable for him so he’d like me.

Ultimately, I ghosted him. It became more apparent that even aside from my feelings of discomfort, he and I were completely at odds. We were completely incompatible and I knew this to begin with but pushed it aside because I wanted to give it a chance. Nothing ever happened between us and in retrospect I’m very grateful it didn’t. I was not in a good place mentally at that time also and him being in my life wasn’t helping. It was then though I really decided to tackle my sexuality head-on. Not just by watching the L Word but by interacting with people. I ended up joining an lgbt forum and I started talking with people on there. Being exposed to different experiences was great because for once I was not seeing the rather uniform portrayals of queerness that is all is often seen. I started watching queer movies too. I watched Blue is the Warmest Color and I adored it. I wanted what Emma and Adele had. It was on this forum I met my ex gf which would become the defining relationship of my early twenties. I won’t go into the details of that but suffice to say, I explored my sexuality with her finally in a way I’d previously not been able to. We never met in person but being with her even virtually helped me learn a lot about myself. And I did love her. I loved her so much, and the feelings and emotions I felt were not like ones I had ever had before. I loved her with an intensity that was frightening. When we broke up I was devastated and completely lost. I felt set adrift having now had these new feelings that I didn’t know what to do with and that I felt like I couldn’t share with most people. At least not everyone and not everyone who knew me super well. It was hard.

Now several years out, things have settled down in some ways. Some, not all. I still have moment of self-doubt. I still have moments where I wonder if I’m just a fake and a fraud despite knowing how holding my friend’s hand made me feel. I have moments where I feel like I’m “not queer” enough. I still feel feelings of shame about liking women. I still wonder how my attraction to men works because it’s so based on aesthetics and not on deeper feelings. I’m still working on all these things and waiting on the day I become so confident I don’t feel these negative emotions anymore. I don’t know when that day will be. But I’m trying to learn to be okay with not having all the answers. To sit with the uncertainty and hang on for dear life as I’m buffeted by the seas of confusion. But when I have these moments, I remember the way I felt like I was going to pass out when I wrapped my arms around my friend that I love and how happy being with her made me. And for that moment, that one tiny moment, all the fears float away.

[wine-dark-and-honey-tongued]

Hey wassup I’m doing 30 Days of Aphrodite for Aphrodite April so here we go I guess

Combining days 1 and 2 bc I forgot to do literally anything yesterday I was getting rickrolled like it was my friggin job. anyway!

1. What first interest you about Aphrodite?

I’m not sure entirely. I know we briefly touched on Greek and Roman mythology in history class in elementary school, and I remember reading a book called Juliet Dove: Queen of Love wherein the main character made some sort of deal with Aphrodite (I can’t quite remember, this was well over 15 years ago lmao so take the summary with a grain of salt) and idk I’ve just been drawn to her ever since.

I also had a book about ‘finding your inner goddess’ but for like tweens/teens so that really set me on the paganism path at an early age and of course Aphrodite was among the goddesses talked about and I distinctly remember every attribute listed resonated with me aside from red being her signature color so I crossed it out and wrote blue instead because I loved blue as a kid lol (guess it’s not too far off given her association with the sea)

I dunno I was drawn to the idea that there was someone specifically in charge of love, and being a boy crazy young girl of course I felt drawn to Aphrodite.

2. Why do you want to worship/work with Aphrodite?

I’m sure younger me would’ve said something along the lines of “so I can find true love” and in a sense that’s correct for present me but I want to have a deeper understanding and connection to myself. I’ve struggled a lot with self love in the past and spent far too much time and energy pinning my self worth on whether or not other people loved me (terrible, don’t recommend that), and now that I’ve been healing all the damage that caused being able to have someone I can turn to who so encompasses the scope of love is extremely comforting, I feel I can become a better version of myself and in turn have better relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise. Aphrodite encompasses all aspects of love, from the very first butterflies to heart wrenching agony to rage and fury and acceptance; love of myself, love of my friends, love of my partner, love for my pets, love for my family and my hobbies and the things that bring me joy. Aphrodite is… everything. And looking back I can see clear signs that she’s always been there, how could I not want to worship and work with someone who has allowed me to experience so many forms of love? Who has been present my whole life? It just feels right, y’know?

[dr-lizortecho]

for the behind the scenes... 4, 10, 15 💖

4. Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

Okay, so fun fact about me, I am physically incapable of outlining. English teachers and professors alike have tried their hardest to beat it into me (I am now capable of the bare minimum of a thesis + topic sentences) but haven’t been able to. Everytime I have been forced to create outlines for grades or anything the moment it is created the idea is spent, all energy and drive completely dissipated. Leaving me with no ability to move forward with the project or topic, so I have been known to twist the sentences around and take essays in the opposite direction.

However, when writing a plot driven story that exceeds 15k I’ve quickly learned not planning and releasing data in increments makes for a flatter fic. So like last year I trial ran my first outlined fic, and stuck to it (for the most part, I did juggle to include Dallas and Heath). And I like it? For larger more encompassing stories, specifically mysteries? But ik I’m incapable of doing it and staying to the outline for anything smaller than say 25k. But I do have a few general ideas of where I want things to go when I start them, so at least there’s some sort of structure.

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

Exposition! Hands down my favorite part, it’s where I throw in all the connecting pieces and truly explore the characters and their feelings. Without it I couldn’t/wouldn’t fic. Dialogue is a headache, cause if it was up to me they’d all talk like me (and I literally say dude-bro on a regular basis 😬).

15. A Hollywood producer tells you that they want to film just one of your fics. Which fic would you want it to be?

Swing Life Away! It’s my baby, the fic nearest and dearest to my heart. Truly less of an excuse to discuss the pod squad and team human, and more to peer into social and cultural responses to child abuse and how it affects adults. Like it was a way to dig into all the different formats of relationships and interconnectedness that arises because of that as well.

Whether it be the siblings relationships with each other, or how they attached to their romantic interests, or how they all had a different relationship with themselves because of it (again, based solely on hours of research and personal life experiences, I’m not a psychologist).

Anyways, who doesn’t love a good mystery disguising a different mystery, following teens who are falling in love???

behind the scenes of fic writing asks

[sourholland]

hi so any advice for having temporary fomo cause i definitely experience it today. just been feeling like im not really loving my teen years! like i have a good amount of friends that im getting close too and i travel a lot but I’ve never really gone to a party and had someone interested in me romantically. like tbh I’m a pretty girl and im gaining more confidence. only a sophomore but still ik i have a lot of time left i just wanna look back and say that my teen years were great yk.

hey girl! i get what you’re saying and i definitely felt it at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school too. here is what i’ll say, parties and boys are not life and i know it feels like it, believe me i know haha, but when you find those friends who really bring you joy and fulfillment—you will be a happier person and won’t feel that FOMO so much. i got into a serious relationship sophomore year, i felt like a lot of the fear of missing out with having a boyfriend and i’m so glad that i got into that relationship, but i’m 100% that i would’ve felt just as happy and accomplished if i spent the year working hard in school, hanging out with girlfriends, doing normal 15-16 year old girls stuff. my biggest advice is to start small, plan get togethers with close friends and if the opportunity to go to a party comes, go and see what it’s all about. don’t feel like it’s a necessity to have the perfect high school experience, though. same for a relationship, don’t just get into one because you want to feel liked or doted upon because seriously girl, you’re amazing whether you’re in a relationship or not!! just try to get out of the headspace and open yourself up to new opportunities. life will start to look up drastically once you let yourself be happy with where you are now, in this moment

[proud-mama-joyce]

Mike, El, and “inevitable” love

A newly released interview with Finn and Millie has been making the rounds today, in which they discuss the future of Mike and El’s relationship in the show at one point:

I don’t view one interview as definitive given the wider context of Byler, but that’s a discussion for another day. This post is more of a reflection than a persuasive argument. I’m in the mood for a kitchen table talk, but feel free to scroll along if that’s not your cup of tea.

Some people who know me on here know that I went through a tough breakup last year. It was a long relationship—one where we grew into ourselves together, encouraging and floundering and leaning on each other during many of the most stressful experiences of our lives up to this point. Its dissolution left a lot of shattered dreams for the future in its wake.

We loved each other. And we still love each other, but in a new way, as close platonic friends. It was a challenge to make that shift, but it was one we were both committed to making.

The thing is, while going through that transition in our relationship, I realized how few examples I had of our end goal. How rarely that story gets told. I understand why, too—the beginnings of romance are the stuff of stories; who wants to stick around to witness a lovers-to-best-friends aftermath? Doesn’t that mean it was a mistake, a waste of the years spent together, a roadblock on the path to finding the One True Love? Once the romance is gone, shouldn’t it all turn sour?

Oddly, I found myself drawing from some of the same lessons I learned while coming to terms with my sexuality years earlier. Trust your feelings over others’ expectations. What everyone thinks doesn’t determine how you feel. Who cares if they think it’s unnatural, or doomed, or strange? The parallels were surprising, forcing me to reflect on how much my expectations had been culturally shaped to feel that the only options were A) continue the romantic relationship or B) sever all major ties with each other. And we decided: no. Those weren’t the only options. Our relationship wasn’t a waste; it was a valued part of our lives. It didn’t have to turn sour. Also, a salvaged loving friendship now didn’t mean that there was something inauthentic about the love that came before.

(Sidenote: I realize I am lucky in a way. The decision to be friends with someone you once loved romantically is a complicated and personal one, and my ex and I happened to agree that working toward that outcome was healthy for us. I don’t mean to speak for anyone else’s relationship by sharing my own experiences.)

All of this is to say, Finn’s comments in particular in the above interview resonated with my recent experiences (whether or not his intent was to discuss a romantic endgame for M*leven), which in turn cause me to reflect on our expectations as viewers. Describing how Mike feels about El, Finn says that “…it’s like air or anything…they’re a part of your life. You can’t just pretend it never happened.” I can’t know his full intent with those comments, given that they were said in the context of a spoiler-free interview. All I will say is that they are consistent with how I view someone who was by my side during a pivotal period of my life, even though it’s no longer a romantic relationship. They were there; they’re still around; it happened. It was easy to see that they’d still be there, once I ignored what I thought to expect. Millie’s comments ring true to me here as well: her description of their relationship as a marriage “with no option for divorce” reminds me of the underlying feeling of inevitability: We’re important to each other, and we both know it. This relationship is in my life to stay. My error was mistaking that feeling of inevitability for a belief that my relationship couldn’t change in a major way (i.e., shift to be platonic). I wouldn’t be surprised if two trauma-bonded teens struggled with the same concept if they valued their relationship while discovering romantic incompatibilities.

Mike and El, I would argue, do love each other. The depth of that love may not reach as far as some other relationships on the show just yet due to their amount of time together, but it has time to grow. As Finn and Millie described, they are bonded, mutually indebted, and are significant figures in each other’s lives. From a Byler perspective, though, I can see how it’s tempting to downplay their relationship: how genuine can their intentions be if they’re not Meant For Each Other, or if they’re starting to question their roles? But—is it a bad thing if their relationship deepens before they understand that it’s platonic? If they’re ultimately wrong about the type of love they share, does that mean any act of love for the other is flawed or dishonest in that context? I don’t think so. Discussions of shipping can understandably lean towards those kinds of simplifications because of the comparisons that are made between multiple relationships. However, I think it’s important to keep in mind that a relationship can still exhibit authentic love even while undergoing a gradual shift in perspective.

But when have we seen characters continue a happily platonic bond after a longstanding romantic one is over? Very rarely, at least in my media experiences. I think that’s another variable clouding the discussion here: we expect, based on other media and storytelling, that a relationship that deepens after being defined as romantic will then need to continue to be romantic, or else break down entirely.

Stranger Things frequently critiques our societal expectations for interpersonal relationships. I, for one, would be very satisfied to see this romance-or-bust dynamic turned on its head in the show with M*leven if the writers move in this direction. (Steve and Nancy too, for that matter, based on their shot from the recent trailer.) Mike and El could portray a moving example of how romantic incompatibility doesn’t have to accompany blatant toxicity. How romance lost doesn’t have to mean a relationship dissolved. How people can grow and experience new depths to their love after, or even during, the process of redefining it as platonic.

The writers have a lot of potential here to break some ground not only with Byler, but with close, meaningful platonic relationships that survive beyond a romantic label. I really look forward to seeing how they handle it.

[issaxcharlie]

We say we're friends, we play pretend (1/2)

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem reader

Summary: Charlie and Y/N were best friends and a couple as teens, after their breakup they meet again 4 years later on the bootcamp of JATP and have to work together. Will something else happen or they are just friends?

Charlie must have imagined something like this could happen. Since Kenny discovered her 5 years ago, she has been a really close friend to the director, participating in some way or another in almost all his projects.

In front of him after years, Y/N Y/L, his childhood best friend and ex-girlfriend. The young actor is not going to admit that he saw every single one of her projects or how moved he was by her in each one of them, many times even thinking of maybe sending her a little message saying the incredible job she did.

But he never found the courage.

It’s weird to remember how he spent most of his life next to the woman, now one of the top youth artists with multiple musicals and movies on her hits list. They always had a strong bond, every single day together. Sleepovers, music classes, dancing classes, homework, parties, movie nights, hockey, illness days, pretty much everything. At the age of 15 they began a very sweet and innocent relationship that ended at 18 when Y/N moved to New York to work in her first leading role.

The break up was on good terms but painful, so painful that both preferred to lose contact completely than to have the other from time to time opening the wound again and again.

And there she was. As beautifil as ever, speaking happily with Kenny while Madison and Owen jump up and down, Jeremy smiles and Charlie looks like he wants to throw up.

“Y/N Y/L, my golden star. She is the official composer of the soundtrack, and she will be supporting you throughout the album process as well as helping Paul and me in other creative aspects, I know she is the same age as some of you but she has a lot of experience in this and all the necessary preparation so don't hesitate to get all the knowledge you can out of her."

Everyone introduces themselves until the guitarist is the only one left, luckily for him, he’s in voice rest these two weeks so he literally cannot speak.

They both look nervous but the moment their eyes meet their complicity comes out and both smile slightly.

“He’s Charlie, he is in voice rest but we are fans of yours. We cried yesterday watching your last musical, it was just brilliant." Owen lets out hardly breathing, Y/N turns with a smile to see the Canadian boy who wants to kill his friend and then commit suicide.

“Thank you! This is going to be such an interesting experience.” The singer murmurs as she winks at Charlie.

2 hours later they had both been avoiding each other, Y/N writing in a corner while the band and Kenny discuss costumes with Soyon, in which at least half an hour has been wasted trying to understand what Charlie is trying to say with the few words he writes with an apple pencil on his ipad in his horrible handwritting.

Y/N gets frustrated and goes to where they are, approaching behind Charlie's shoulder to see the iPad. She quickly identifies the two words, one so crossed out that it looks like a doodle, but years copying each other's homework pays off.

"He's trying to say that if Luke isn't going to wear bandanas, at least consider wearing beanies." The young woman says as she leans on the shoulder of who was her first love.

Charlie freezes at their proximity, blushing a little at the feeling of being close after so long. Luckily his castmates don't realize it because all their attention is on her.

“You are just good for everything huh? Even deciphering hieroglyphs." Owen comments, smiling at her and winking exaggeratedly to make her laugh.

Charlie can't help but feel insecure with the situation. It could be a friendly thing but If Owen really tries to flirt with her, he doesn't know how he would react. Is sad enough not having her in his life anymore, having her as his best friend's girlfriend would just be too painful.

Now, he knows he’s exaggerating, and a lot. But he has to do something about it. Better safe than sorry.

He stretches his neck to meet the eyes of his ex-girlfriend, who is now only inches away. She quickly gets flustered, but hides it pretty well. The problem is that he knows every gesture perfectly and sees through her mask.

“Wh- What, Gillespie?” She manages to say, Charlie can’t help a smile seeing the way she still reacts towards him.

When you know a person completely, every facet, every gesture, every peculiarity, speaking without words is as natural as breathing. And they had both forgotten how amazing it feels to have someone in your life who is this compatible and magnetic.

They start a conversation, she answers to who secretly still believes as her person while he continues making gestures and mimics that no one else understands, writing a word from time to time to make the talk flow better.

"I know. Hey, it's not my fault! So you excuse yourself with the ‘can't talk’ thing huh? how convenient. Yeah, Ok, I will. I said I will!" Her words are the only thing that they manage to get out of the conversation that the secret ex-couple is having, since no matter how much attention they pay to him, they have no idea how Y/N manages to decipher it.

"I have no idea what's going on but I'll take it as a miracle, I was just going to suggest ignoring Charlie these 2 weeks." Jeremy jokes, everyone nods their heads.

“I mean, it’s still a good option.” Madison replies.

The 14 days go by quickly, and with the former couple spending time together daily, rehearsing Charlie's guitar solos together, with Y/N translating his horrible scribbles, or sometimes simply being close to each other enjoying the company, absentmindedly placing their hand on the other's leg or their forehead on their shoulder for a few seconds during the breaks.

Basically the whole team has noticed the flirtatious smiles and the looks, but Charlie was the weakest rival of both and the one who could release some information about it, and without being able to speak they basically ran out of an informant, since the young singer didn’t let go a word about her unexpected chemistry with the guitarist except the typical ‘we are just good friends’.

But without a doubt the energies began to multiply on Monday when Charlie arrived with the green light to be able to speak and start singing in rehearsals. Madison couldn't attend the first few hours because she was at school, so Y/N was going to cover her so the boys could practice.

“The first on the list is Finally Free, the place where we are going to record it only gave us two weeks from now so it will have to be one of the priorities. For the first rehearsal just vibe with the song and we’ll discover where to go from there. Oh, and good luck keeping up with my golden star, you’ll need it."

Y/N starts the first verse on the keyboard, and gets up to sing the chorus in the center, trying to ignore Charlie and looking up at Jeremy. She hadn’t heard him sing for a couple of years, but the same butterflies appear in her stomach and she knows that she will melt if she looks into his eyes.

Unfortunately for her, Kenny doesn't have the same plan, and just before the second verse ends he tells her to walk over to Charlie, who immediately smiles and sings the pre-chorus with much more enthusiasm. The energy they radiate floods the place, both getting closer and closer. By the time the bridge arrives, their foreheads are practically against each other, their lips only an inch apart, and with a confidence and comfort while singing to each other that makes all those who suspected that there was something between them now practically sure.

Luckily there are only Jeremy, Kenny, Owen and Paul in the room, who decide to play a game of divide and conquer now that the snitch part of the equation can speak.

“Y/N, can you come with me for a moment? I have a new idea for ‘Wow’ and a fresh pair of eyes is just what I need.” Paul says, sacrificing himself for the greater good.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be right back.” The singer takes the opportunity to leave this staring game with Charlie and quickly walks away from the guitarist, who winks at her in a flirting way in response.

The moment they walk out the door, everyone turns to see Charlie, who has no idea what they're up to.

“What?”

"After what just happened you just can't keep pretending nothing's happening. Man, that was more intense than the whole Troyella moments during all three movies." Kenny pretends to be offended for a second and then nods.

"I have never seen anything like this in all my years of career."

“Yeah dude it was electric.” Owen replies, smirking.

“She’s my person.” Charlie mumbles.

If he’s being honest with himself, deep down he always knew she was the only one for him. But that realization was freaking scary. What's next if the only person for you has already turned the page? gave up without a fight? what's left?

"What?" The three ask in unison, and Charles begins to sing like a bird.

“We grew up together and then we lost the way. Like in those romantic movies where just everyone knows they belong together except the childhood best friends and then they end up ruining their lives by being in denial.”

“From what I saw getting back on track shouldn't be too difficult, Charlie. I assure you that whatever you feel she feels it too. Her eyes don’t lie." Jeremy tries to reason with him.

“Leave your teen problems behind. You are old enough to decide what you want and find a way to make it work. But you have to stop pretending that nothing is happening first." Owen scolds his friend.

“Do you love her?” Jer asks.

“That answer is always going to be yes, I just could never stop loving her even If I tried. And I did.” He really did. The surprise he got when the second he had her close to him his heart began to beat like crazy and all he wanted was to hug her and fix everything. It was as if when seeing her eyes time hadn’t passed, as if only the day before they’d been goofing around together. That bond is so big that he doesn’t believe it’s possible to break.

“Then do something about it, bro! Go get your girl back!” Jeremy advises while Kenny smiles.

“Yeah man, it’s ‘Now or never’ like her song, and I guess ours too now? Since she wrote it for Sunset Curve? Well, anyway, it’s like our song says.” Owen exclaims excitedly.

“Ohhh, musical inspiration, let me try. ‘Get up, get out, relight that spark’.” Jeremy sings to Charlie.

“Jer, you are a genius. If you think about it wake up is actually a pretty good soundtrack song for this situation. ‘It's not what you lost, It's what you'll gain raising your voice in the rain’.”

They both keep singing the song until they reach the bridge, Charlie tries to look frustrated but a slight smile escapes his face.

They are right, he still hasn't lost this fight.

👻PART 2 RIGHT HERE