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whatisthiswritingthing · 4 years

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Announcement - Alex Morgan X Reader

Prompt: Can you do a Alex Morgan imagine where her and R just announce their relationship (which have been going on for let’s say for almost a year and R is younger then Alex as well). And some fans don’t like that they are together and are mad about it. So R ends up going into a little of a dark hole (like being a hemit, not going out anywhere, not answering Alex phones calls, and also ignoring her as well, showing up for practice late, not playing good, ignoring everyone on the team including her Bestfriend’s/ Team moms Ash and Ali just not being R normally bubbly slef,) until someone on the team (Ali) shows Alex what the fans have been doing and Alex plans a day full of surprise for R to show her how much she love R?

“Dinner tonight? My place?” Alex asked Y/N as they walked out of the practice facility.

“Umm, I don’t know, I’m pretty tired Al. I think I’m just going to head home and go to bed early,” Y/N wouldn’t look at Alex. She awkwardly adjusted her backpack straps, her shoulders hunched over, watching the ground as she walked.

Alex grabbed her girlfriends’ elbow, tugging her to a stop. She glanced around the parking lot to see if anyone else was close to them. As Y/N turned around, keeping head down, nervously tugging the straps on backpack more. Alex reached out and tried to hold Y/N’s hand, Y/N pulled her hand away, stepping backwards.

“Y/N…”Alex trained off, eyebrows creased. Heart breaking when her girlfriend physically pulled away from her. She had been pulling away for the past week. Y/N was never interested in spending time together, hardly replied to texts, never answered her calls, avoiding her at practice, now Alex couldn’t even touch her. “Is everything alright?”

“Uhh yea, of course, just tired,” Y/N nodded, still refusing to look up, shuffling her feet.

“It’s just, things seem weird between us.”

“Oh no, all good,” Y/N stiffly closed the distance between them, hesitating before placing an awkward kiss to Alex’s cheek before walking away. “I’ll call you later.”

Alex sighed and watched her girlfriend walk away, before slowing making her way to her car.

Y/N didn’t call Alex that night. Alex spent the night trying to find things keep herself busy, trying not to wait for her phone to ring. Finally, Alex caved as she got ready for bed, pulling up her text conversation with Y/N, hoping maybe she just missed a text from Y/N. Disappointed she hadn’t, she called her girlfriend.

Alex nervously paced back and forth next to her bed while she waited for Y/N to pick up the call. When it didn’t, she let out a groan, tossing her phone on her bed. She had no idea what happened between her and her girlfriend. They had been together for over a year, both teams had been incredibly supportive. Of course, some fans had started to speculate, but they always did. Everyone on the team had “dated” several other people also on the team, every look and touch was looked into and over looked in to. Alex and Y/N finally just stopped hiding it, confirming their relationship with a simple photo of them on Instagram, Y/N kissing Alex’s cheek, both smiling.

Alex didn’t think anything else about it, happy she no longer felt like she needed hide any aspect of her life. Y/N made her happy, Alex saw a future with the younger woman. She was proud Y/N was her girlfriend, she wanted everyone to know, wanted to show her off. After they posted the picture Alex had posted several other pictures of them, struggling to limit herself; she had so many good ones of them.

She finished getting ready for bed, calling Y/N one more time before going to sleep. Y/N didn’t answer again, this time sending Alex to voicemail. Alex pulled the phone away and glanced at the screen, sighing she put her phone on the end table and settled into bed, staring at the ceiling.

Y/N sighed when she saw her phone ringing again, she wanted to answer, she did. She wanted to talk to Alex, wanted to spend the night held in Alex’s arms, really wanted to explain to Alex why she had pulled away this week. Y/N loved Alex, she knew Alex was happy with her, that she made Alex happy in return. Y/N couldn’t agree fast enough when Alex said she wanted to stop hiding their relationship and announce it.

And then they did; they announced it. And then the comments came in. Lots of comments came in and they didn’t stop. Some were supportive, some said how happy they looked as a couple, how well suited they were for each other, some were proud of them, thanked them for the courage to come out themselves.

There unfortunately weren’t many of those, or at least not enough of them to make up for plethora of negative, offensive comments. So many people commented that their age difference was too significant. That Y/N was using Alex to advance her soccer career, to get more exposure. Fans said Alex could do much better, that Y/N was not good enough for Alex.

The fans were ruthless. Picking apart previous pictures, speculating other relationships. Tearing apart all of Y/N’s physical attributes. They didn’t hold back at all, they were ruthless.

It was everything she already thought, having other people seeing it, confirming it, was hitting her hard. Y/N had tried to avoid reading the comments, tried to avoid all social media. When that didn’t work, she turned her phone off entirely. But then she just sat and thought, which was worse than reading her phone.

So, she tried to keep herself busy. Her apartment was spotless. She went for a long run every night. She snuck back in their training facility to train. Everything she could do to distract herself; to exhaust herself so she could actually sleep at night.

“Did you get a good night sleep?” Alex sat on the chair next to Y/N the next morning before training.

“Oh, umm, yea, Y/N’s hands paused before continuing to tie her cleats, giving Alex a brief glance and a small smile.

“You look tired,” Alex commented, resting a hand on Y/N’s thigh.

“Thanks Alex, you really know how to make a girl feel special,” Y/N gave a sarcastic laugh, standing up and walking away before Alex could even say anything else.

Alex sighed and leaned her head against the wall, closing her eyes.

“You read the comments to then?” Ashlyn asked softly.

Alex’s eyes shot open, head turning quickly to the keepers.

“Comments?”

“Yea…” Ashlyn’s brow furrowed. “If it’s not the comments, what’s going on?”

Alex stared at Ashlyn for a second, expression blank, before she released another sigh and leaned against the wall. “Y/N’s avoiding me. What comments?”

Ashlyn didn’t say anything, just pulled her phone out, pulling up the photo Alex and Y/N posted a week earlier declaring their relationship. Alex gave Ashlyn a skeptical look before tentatively reaching for the phone.

Alex slowly scrolled through all the comments, mouth falling open the more she read, letting out a small gasp at the especially vicious comments. Having read enough, Alex hastily handed the phone back to Ashlyn.

“How could they say that about her? Us?” Alex had paled now; how had she missed this? “Is this why Y/N is avoiding me? You don’t think she believes any of this?” She shook her head, tears now threatening to fall.

“I don’t know, she won’t talk to me or Ali either. And she’s all over the place in practice, missed tackles, bad touches, you name it.” That Alex had started to notice. “Ali went out to warm up with her, she’s hoping to get her to talk.”

Alex quickly stood up, rushing out of the change room to find her girlfriend. As soon she got to the field, she saw Y/N already kicking balls at the empty net, no real intention other than aggression behind the kicks. The forward began to jog over to her girlfriend before she was intercepted by Ali.

“Fix this,” Ali said firmly, holding Alex’s arm to prevent her from moving forward.

“I’m trying to, Ashlyn showed me some of the comments. I had no idea,” Alex hung her head, guilt obvious in her expression.

“She won’t talk to me or Ash, but you need to remind her they aren’t true and how much you love her, how wrong every single negative comment is.”

Alex nodded along, eyes now watching her girlfriend across the field. She was already soaked in sweat, face scrunched as she focused, her jaw clenched tight, and the tension clear though out her body. Seeing her like this and now knowing about the comments, she suddenly felt lightheaded. This was the woman she supposedly cared, supposedly loved, and she had missed how much she was clearly hurting, struggling.

Before Alex could get to her girlfriend, the rest of players made their way on the field, Marc starting practice soon after. As Marc gave his pre practice meeting, Alex stood as close to Y/N as she could, the lengths on their bodies touching. Alex could see Y/N glance towards her out of the corner of her eye, jaw clenching before she shuffled away. Alex sighed and shuffled with her, remaining as close as possible, this time loosely gripping the hem of Y/N’s jersey.

Y/N turned her head slightly to see Alex’s hand on her jersey but didn’t move away this time. Alex shuffled the smallest amount closer, angling her body so her front was pressed against Y/N’s side. She tugged on the jersey as she leaned up on her toes to reach Y/N’s ear, “I love you gorgeous.”

Alex heard the sharp intake of breath and the catch before she could release it, she felt the slight tremble suddenly taking over. The forward remained as close as she could, this hadn’t been the reaction she expected. She hadn’t expected any reaction really.

Y/N let out a grateful sigh and pulled away from Alex as soon as Marc dismissed them to start their warmup. She then proceeded to do everything she could to avoid Alex the entire practice.

By the time Marc called practice to an end Y/N was exhausted. She dragged her feet to the locker room, shoulder slumped forward, completely in her head and unaware of anything around her.

Alex took advantage of this, sliding her arm along Y/N’s waist, pulling herself into Y/N’s chest. Y/N stumbled slightly; Alex tightened her grip to keep her up. She felt her girlfriend go rigid. “Hey love of my life,” she leaned up placing a gentle kiss on the underside of Y/N’s jaw. “I’ve decided I am coming over right now; we are going to have a hot bath together and cuddle on the couch. We have tomorrow off, we can order in and not leave the couch the whole night.”

Now Y/N began to pull away, “I’m exhausted Alex, I just want to shower and have a nap on the couch.”

“I know you are, beautiful,” Alex’s arms remained firm around Y/N’s waist. “you look ready to fall asleep standing up, so let me help.” She wanted to add, maybe you’ll tell me what’s wrong, but didn’t want to push her luck. “We can cuddle, I know you always sleep better with me.”

Alex waited for some of the tension to leave her body, then saw the small nod as she looked up with hopeful eyes. “Perfect, I’ll come over now.” She kept herself attached to Y/N as they continued into the change room.

The couple silently through the parking lot to their vehicles after gathering their things.

“Umm I guess I’ll see you at my place then?” Y/N awkwardly stopped at her car door.

“You bet,” Alex smiled, trying to draw some kind of smile from her girlfriend, “I’ll order food when I get there while you shower.” Alex stretched up and kissed Y/N the cheek before turning and going to her own car.

Y/N didn’t even wait for Alex when they got to her apartment. Alex let out a breath as she watched Y/N rush out of her car and go inside without looking her way.

By the time Alex made it into the condo, Y/N was already in the shower. She ordered supper for the two of them before getting everything ready for them to spend the rest of the night on the couch, pulling out a couple fluffy blankets, lighting a couple candles. Waiting for Y/N, she nervously paced the condo, trying to figure out how to talk to her.

Y/N shuffled out of the bedroom a few minutes later, finally giving Alex a small smile when she saw the small set up in the living room.

“Hey supper should be here any minute, why don’t you get settled and I’ll bring it over,” Alex gave Y/N a small smile. Y/N nodded and tentatively moved to the couch, sitting on the far end and pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top. Alex watched, hating how uncomfortable Y/N looked in her own home now.

Alex brought the food over to the living room after it was delivered. Y/N didn’t even move while Alex pulled food cartons out. The silence tense and awkward. She shifted closer to Y/N on the couch, resting a hand on her thigh, “I got Italian, chicken parm for you, fettuccini for me,” Alex handed the container.

“Thanks,” Y/N rasped out. Alex kept herself close while they ate in uncomfortable silence, some random movie playing in the background.

Y/N placed her empty container on the coffee table, pulling her knees to her chest. Alex put her container down too, leaning into Y/N’s side, gentling pulling one arm off her knees to wrap around herself. Alex could feel the tension through Y/N’s body.

“What’s going on Y/N?” Alex whispered, rubbing a hand gently on her thigh. “Don’t tell me nothing, Ash showed me the comments.”

“Oh,” Y/N’s body deflated, she chewed on her bottom lip.

Alex reached up and rubbed her thumb along Y/N’s creased eyebrow, easing some of the tension, “none of it is true Y/N. I love you.”

“But,” Y/N started, releasing out a breath, “so many people are saying the same things Al, that must means it’s true, that they all see it too.”

“They’re just jealous,” Alex pushed herself up, so she was face to face with Y/N.

“I’m serious Alex,” Y/N grunted out, frustrated.

“So am I, Y/N. They are all projecting their feelings. You are living a life they want, living your dream, successful, happily in love. It’s what everyone wants, you have it and they don’t. So, they are tearing you down to make themselves feel better. Those things are all people hiding behind keyboards and screens, but I bet none of them have near the skill or drive or intelligence or passion you do,” Alex drew herself even closer, wrapping both hands around Y/N’s face and forcing her to make eye contact.

“So? You’re still so out of my league Alex, everyone else sees it. Maybe I am only getting called up because I’m dating you, because Vlatko thinks you won’t come or something,” Y/N tried to turn her face out of Alex’s grasp, fidgeting in her seat. Her anxiety spiking the more she spoke, the more she talked about her insecurities. She could feel tears beginning the build up behind her eyes, the urge to move becoming overwhelming.

Feeling her girlfriend beginning to shake, Alex shifted her hand down and began methodically squeezing the muscles, compressing them as she worked down her arms, all the way down to her fingers, tugging each one individually before moving back up.

“What do you need? To move or more compression?” Alex asked, sensing the building anxiety attack in her girlfriend. She knew Y/N needed to move around, that it help her think, process, that too much sitting made her anxious. She also knew that sometimes she needed the compression, needed her muscles to be squeezed tight. And that sometimes she needed both. But most importantly, she knew that Y/N needed to be given the option and the space to choose.

Y/N scrambled to get up, “move,” she mumbled beginning to pace, “both maybe,” she squeezed her fists, rapping her knuckles against her thigh.

Alex slowly got up and hesitantly approached her girlfriend, waiting to see what Y/N needed. When Y/N remained where she was, Alex closed the distance entirely, wrapping her in a tight hug. Alex just held firm, slowly beginning to sway them on the spot. They stayed that way for several minutes before Y/N finally began to relax in her arms, it happened slow than suddenly Alex felt like she was holding all of Y/N’s weight.

“Let’s go to bed beautiful,” Alex murmured softly into her ear, feeling her girlfriends breathing already slowing as she began to fall asleep, the small anxiety attack taking her last bit of energy.

Y/N nodded her head, hands tightening on the hem of Alex’s shirt, fingers scrapping the skin along with it. Alex gave her another second before pushing them apart and leading Y/N to the bedroom by one hand.

Alex began pulling sleep clothes for them both from Y/N’s dresser, when she felt a finger tap her forearm. She turned her head to see Y/N nervously chewing on her bottom lip, eyes focused on her finger resting on Alex’s arm, “can we, I like the skin contact,” her jaw flex as she clenched her teeth. “No shirts?”

“Of course,” Alex soothed, turning into Y/N’s touch, pulling her shirt off before reaching and assisting Y/N in removing hers. They both removed their pants and crawled into bed. Y/N blindly shot a hand out, gripping Alex’s hip to pull her to lay on top.

Alex understood Y/N’s intention, that she needed the weight, the heat of another body, the comfort of her familiar scent, the soft breath against her chest, and the gentle caress of her fingers along her hip bones. Y/N was asleep almost instantly, the past week of over training and under sleeping catching up to her. The comfort of having Alex with her settling her mind for the time being.

Y/N woke the next morning by Alex spreading kisses along her bare shoulders, her thumbs gently massaging her thumbs into her hips bones, slowly encouraging her to wake up.

Y/N sighed as she slowly awoke, burrowing her head under the pillow.

“Wake up Y/N/N,” Alex shifted the pillow out of the way, whispering in her ear.

“No,” Y/N grumbled, blinding reaching to pull Alex’s hand back to massage her hips, “more massage.”

Alex chuckled and began to work the muscles of Y/N’s lower back. She glided her hands up, working her shoulder blades, “how about a massage tonight? For now, Ash and Ali are going to meet us at the beach so you two fishies can surf.”

“I like surfing,” Y/N’s head popped up, her voice still thick and gravely with sleep.

“There she is,” Alex pressed Y/N’s shoulders, guiding her to lay on her back, leaning down to gently kiss her, “so that’s a yes to surfing?”

“Always yes to surfing,” Y/N sat up, hands on Alex’s hips, her mood already improving after spending the night with her girlfriend.

Alex rolled herself off, “then get up, time to go.”

Y/N got ready to go and was ready to leave the house in record time. She stood by the apartment door with her surfboard in hand, swim bag on her shoulders, she excitedly bounced on the spot.

Alex laughed when she walked to the door, “you look like a little kid ready for the first day of school.”

Y/N grinned back, a full smile spreading across her cheeks, eyes crinkling as it finally reached her eyes for the first time in days.

The couple spent the morning at the beach with Ali and Ashlyn; Y/N and Ashlyn spending majority of the time in the water. Once the two women were able to fish their partners from the water, Ali and Ashlyn left the couple to allow them to have the day together.

Alex guided Y/N along the boardwalk, leading her to small beach front café where they sat watching the water, having a peaceful brunch.

After brunch the couple returned home, “how about that massage now, then we take a nap for the afternoon?” Alex guided Y/N back to her bedroom, pulling her shirt off before getting a response.

Y/N nodded and let herself be pulled along, lifting her arms to let Alex undress her.

The striker pushed Y/N’s shorts past her hips, pushing her to sit on the bed before pulling her own off, leaving them both nude. Alex straddled Y/N’s hips, bringing their lips together she kissed her long and slow, tongue teasingly tapping her lips before pulling away entirely, “turn over,” she whispered, lips brushing but not quite touching.

Y/N did as she was told, Alex raising herself slightly to allow the movement, hands quickly finding the bare skin of her back.

Alex worked the strong muscles for several minutes, the silence only broken by Y/N’s sighs and soft moans, the occasional whimper when a sensitive spot was found. When Alex pressed on the spots that earned a whimper, she would lean down and gently press her lips to it, kissing it better. She gently guided Y/N’s arms above her head, working into the curve of her lats, gliding a thumb along each indented rib. Guiding her hands up the younger woman’s arms, she brought her body until her bare chest was pressed into Y/N’s back, interlacing their fingers at the top.

Alex turned her head so her cheek rested between Y/N’s shoulder blades, chin angled up so Y/N could hear her whispers, “how do you feel?” her lips brushed the skin.

Y/N gave a content moan, lips ticking up into a small grin.

“Good,” Alex whispered back, she released one hand to wrestle the blankets out from under them to cover them for a nap, “I know today won’t fix how you are feeling, but I hope you know how much I love you, and I will do everything I can do show you how much love you deserve. Promise me you’ll come talk to me instead of shutting me out next time? Even its just to tell me you need space; I’ll understand and respect whatever you need.”

Y/N slowly nodded, “I love you Alex.”

“I love you too,” Alex whispered back, “now go to sleep for now.” She tightened her hold, pulling Y/N closer to her chest.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagines #uswnt imagine #alex morgan x reader #alex morgan imagine

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thewayshedreamed · 4 years

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This Time— Part 5

A Nessian Fan Fic

Fic Masterlist

This chapter was a tough one for me to write. I got stuck a few times with the order of things (for this chapter and the following ones). Once I decided on that, the angst in this one was a little emotional for me to write, then edit. So, proceed with caution. That’s the official angst warning!

On a more positive note, this is a definitive turning point toward resolution, so it WILL get better! Thanks again for all of you who have offered your feedback and followed the story. Knowing y’all are enjoying this little au with me makes it all the more fun to write 😊

Trigger warning for short depiction of grief.

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Birthday breakfast was really more of a birthday lunch the day after celebrating at Rita’s. Elain was sitting at the small island of Nesta’s kitchen, nursing a Gatorade and holding her head in her hands. Feyre was next to her scrolling through her phone. She was doing intel on their group’s collective social media updates, and so far, there were no embarrassing posts to deal with.

Nesta was mixing pancake batter, periodically folding in chocolate chips. Chocolate chip pancakes were reserved for Archeron birthdays or holidays, and they looked forward to sharing them when the occasions presented themselves. She poured some of the batter into her skillet, absently watching for bubbles as her indicator they were ready to flip. After making the initial flip, she walked to her refrigerator and produced a bottle of champagne with orange juice.

“Who wants to open the champagne for birthday mimosas?” She set both bottles on the island, with glasses, before turning her attention back to the pancakes. Elain’s only response was a long groan. Feyre giggled, pulled the champagne toward her, and started untwisting the cage over the cork.

“What’s the expression, El? Hair of the dog? It may make you feel better.” She stood away from the island to pop the cork. The last things they needed were physical injuries.

“I guess it can’t make me feel any worse, right?” She picked her head up from her hands. “I’m going to go grab my phone,” she said, with a cringe. She padded away to Nesta’s room, returning seconds later. She was scrolling through her phone as she walked and stopped short once she met the threshold of the kitchen, a horrified expression on her face.

”Why the fuck would I have deleted all of my texts last night?!” Her voice was more shrill than normal, and her sisters’ eyes grew at her use of “fuck” during pancake breakfast.

It was Feyre who dared answer her. “Umm... I have no idea. Maybe it was an accident?”

”That’s a pretty impressive accident.” Nesta realized her comment wasn’t helping as her sisters glared in her direction.

Elain continued. “I’ll tell you why. Because drunk me tried to hide something from sober me.” She paused for a second, blushing. “My evidence, in case you were wondering, is a text from Azriel that says: ‘*laugh emoji* Not cool. You had me worried there for a minute, Ellie. Goodnight. Hope you enjoyed your birthday.’” She glanced up at them in horror.

Nesta gave her a small smile. “Ellie, I’m sure it’s nothing. Even drunk you couldn’t have said anything too terrible. Maybe just talk to Az? It would be better than wondering.”

Elain sat down, her anxiety palpable in the small kitchen. She was quiet save for the nod she’d given her sister in acknowledgment of her advice. Nesta assumed maybe she could use a little more encouragement since she didn’t look wholly convinced.

“I really think it’ll be okay. Az is reasonable and has probably said his own fair share of drunken things he would care to take back.” She offered a short chuckle before sipping her mimosa. “You could call him, maybe, or—“

”Nes, are you really preaching to me about communication right now?”

Nesta blinked, taken aback by the irritation in Elain’s voice. “I wasn’t trying to preach, El. I just meant you didn’t have to worry and could trust Az to give you a chance to—“

”The same way you gave Cassian a chance to fix whatever the hell you’re holding against him? Why should Az be any more gracious than you’ve been?” Elain snapped. Her shoulders rounded a little at her own words, and Feyre’s eyes grew to the size of two steel blue saucers.

“Cauldron, Elain,” she said, looking from one sister to the other. Her back was straight, anticipating Nesta’s best weapons: her words.

Nesta took several seconds to reflect on their current situation. It was such an unexpected shift, where Elain was the one throwing insults, and Feyre, of all people, was defensive of Nesta. She wasn’t used to this type of interaction with Elain, and her words stung more than she was willing to admit. She finished her mimosa in one swift gulp and placed her dishes in the sink.

“Lucky for you, Azriel is nowhere near as disappointing, or shitty, as I am. I’m going to shower while you two finish breakfast. I’ll bring you home when you finish.” Her tone was neutral, dry even. By all measures, it was on the milder side for Nesta. She was halfway to the bathroom when she heard Elain’s wavering voice.

“Nes, wait. I’m sorry I didn’t mean—“

“Don’t ever apologize for saying what you mean, Elain,” she said, coldly, before walking the rest of her way. She couldn’t get out of there fast enough, wanting to leave the gaping wound that Elain had ripped open far behind her.

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The following week went by fairly quickly. Elain and Nesta had made up within the day, Elain insisting that she had spoken from her own nerves rather than how she truly felt. She asked if Nesta wanted to talk about what happened with Cassian, but she declined, saying it wasn’t a big deal. She tasted the lie the second it left her mouth, but she shoved that down with everything else.

Her attention to the day of the week was higher than usual in anticipation of Wednesday. She was oddly preoccupied with a day that truly meant nothing to her, but it had haunted her since she overheard Cassian’s conversation with Alis. When the day finally arrived, she found herself ruminating over their conversation, letting her imagination run wild with the possibilities of how they were spending their time.

She told herself that she didn’t care beyond the fact that he would usually tell her all about these sorts of things. Gods, it bothered her to no end that she wasn’t his person anymore.

That Thursday, she found herself getting ready for dinner with Tomas. He had called her that Monday to see if she’d like to go out, and she didn’t have a reason not to. She may have even wanted to go. The downside, when the day arrived, was that it happened to be a particularly brutal work day. She was at home touching up and mentally preparing herself for a couple of hours of conversation. She would usually call Cassian for pep talks on days like this, but their non-friendship was a dealbreaker in that department. Not to mention, he likely wouldn’t have cared to give her a pep talk for this particular night. Gods, it bothered her to no end that he wasn’t her person anymore, either.

Dinner had been fine enough. Tomas looked handsome and seemed completely engaged with her the entire night. He was interested in her work, how her life had been since he’d last seen her, and her friends. He made brief mention of her mother and how he had been really sad to hear that she passed a few years ago. His condolences were sincere, but Nesta found herself oddly defensive at his mention of her. He hadn’t known her well, since their relationship hadn’t lasted long, and she felt like he couldn’t possibly imagine the void she left in their lives.

She resisted any response beyond a “thank you”, knowing that her reaction was likely due to her death anniversary coming up within the week. The rest of the night had gone well. The food was good, the conversation was fine, Tomas was fine. They had a fine time together. Everything was just fine.

Which is why, she assumed, that Tomas had tried to kiss her at the end of the night. He had driven her home, walked her to the door, and hugged her goodbye. As he pulled away, his cheek lingered next to hers, face turning toward her in slow motion. She cleared her throat abruptly and reached into her bag for her key.

“Well, thanks for tonight! I had a nice time.” She had the key in the lock, and she was already mentally selecting her sweatpants for the evening.

“Wait.” Thomas grabbed her elbow, turning her around. “Why are you being so weird? I thought we had a good time?”

”We did. I just said I had a nice time.”

”You seem to be rushing out pretty fast for a person having fun.” He paused for a few seconds to allow her to insist that she was having fun, or to invite him inside, she thought. She did neither.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Is it Cassian?”

She knew she was balking at him, but she didn’t have it in her to control it.

“Are you kidding me? Just because I’m ending the night without kissing you or asking you to come inside and fuck me, there has to be a man responsible? Could it be because this night has taken us as far as it was ever going to?” She rolled her eyes, turned the key, and walked inside. “Goodnight, Tomas,” she said, as she shut the door in his face.

She kicked her shoes off in her entryway and tossed her purse onto the small table next to her door. She removed her dress over her head as she walked purposefully to her bedroom and ripped her sweatpants out of the too-full drawer. She pulled on an extra large t-shirt and went to the kitchen to pour herself some red wine. She settled onto her couch, put on some mindless television, and tried to relax.

She reflected over the night’s events. She was honest when she told Tomas that they had a fine time. She had enjoyed herself tonight, and she started to feel a twinge of guilt for snapping at him in her doorway. He hadn’t done anything wrong before asking that question, and if she was honest with herself, she knew why it bothered her so much. It’s not that he wasn’t handsome, that he was unkind, or that he was disrespectful. It wasn’t even that he had misjudged and asked the wrong question. The truth hammered through her brain like an ambush, and she was utterly incapable of stopping it.

He’s not Cassian.

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Nesta watched several episodes of a home renovation show as she worked through her bottle of wine. She decided that it was the perfect type of show to watch on nights like tonight, where she was knee-deep in her thoughts. Her earlier revelation had sunken its claws into her brain, and she was having trouble thinking of anything else. She wasn’t sure at what point she had stopped fighting it— either glass 2 or glass 3. She finally allowed herself to take a critical look at all these pent up emotions, and noteworthy memories of Cassian started to play through her mind like a montage.

She is sitting in the passenger seat of an older, black pick-up truck. Cassian is driving, and they have the windows down to feel the cool fall breeze. They’re going for a leisurely drive because he got his license just yesterday, and he loves the freedom it’s given him. He doesn’t have to be a slave to his home life or his abusive father anymore. He can just drive. She makes a joke, and he’s laughing now. His mid-length waves are dancing around his face, and he turns to look at her for mere seconds before looking back at the road.

She sipped her wine thoughtfully, noting the memory as the first time he ever took her breath with how beautiful his joy could be. She remembered how her chest had burst with pride at being able to make him laugh and smile like that, despite his pain. She noted now what she was too scared to admit then: there was little she wouldn’t do to protect his happiness.

It’s junior prom, and she’s posted against the wall with a bottle of water. Her date is a total jerk, and she’s hoping that maybe he’ll just leave. His departure would be better than pretending to enjoy herself anymore. She sees Cassian approaching her from her left. He looks so much more mature in his tux, half of his waves tied back in a knot at the back of his head.

“Hey, Archie. Where’s your date?”

She chuckles softly. “I don’t know. But I think I like it that way. He’s kind of the worst.”

Cassian frowns. “Well, he’s an idiot, then. Dance with me?” He extends his hand to her, palm up, and offers her a half-smile. He looks almost nervous, and her heart swells with affection for him.

“Always. You’re my favorite person here.”

She wiped the tears from her face, not sure of when she started crying. The feeling now so vivid; her favorite person. The truth of that statement refused to be downplayed. She shook her head, realizing it to be as accurate as ever.

It’s her sophomore year of college, and her friends are at a local bar celebrating the end of finals. She hasn’t been able to see them nearly as often this semester, and she’s enjoying their time together. At a certain point, a guy she doesn’t know gets awfully too comfortable with her, and he’s touching her all over. She tries to walk away, and he grips her arm tightly as she fights against him. He’s so much stronger than she is, but her brain can only focus on getting away from him. Just before the panic sets in, she sees two familiar figures approaching from the side. Faster than she can note what is really happening, Azriel is separating the guy’s hand from Nesta’s arm and is shoving him too easily away from her. She’s immediately wrapped in a tight hug, her face tucked tightly into Cassian’s chest. She inhales his scent as she steadies her breath, and she clutches the back of his shirt like a lifeline. She isn’t truly crying, but tears are starting to pool in her eyes from the sheer relief of being safe with him. He pulls back only as much as he needs to cup her face with his hands. His brow is deeply furrowed as he scans her face in that knowing way of his, and his lips form a tight line. He is painfully concerned. He is furious. He is fighting all of those things to remain even for her.

“Are you okay? Nes, please. Talk to me. Tell me you’re okay.”

”I’m okay.” Her response is quiet, robotic.

“He’s gone. Azriel took care of it.”

She was yearning for a sense of normalcy, the intensity of his care becoming too much. She resorts to humor as she usually does.

“I’m surprised. It’s usually you who runs straight to the front lines. Forever the hero.” She cracks a small smile, hoping it’ll comfort him.

He’s still holding her face in his large hands. He drops his gaze briefly as he shakes his head, and when he looks back at her face, he’s wearing an ironic sort of smile.

“All I could see was you.”

The memory knocked the breath out of her, having been so long since she had thought about it. She understood his meaning then, but it hit her with a renewed vigor now. She superseded his basic instincts to protect, eliminate the threat. When it came to her, he trusted no one else and had to personally ensure she was okay. He would throw himself between her and anyone or anything that threatened her, and he would do it happily. Her heart clenched as she thought about how no one else could have made her feel comfortable or calmed her under those circumstances. Another tear rolled down her cheek at how careless she had been with his heart and how much she had taken him for granted. At how much she had always lied to herself. Because she was feeling particularly masochistic, she entertained one last memory, her tears pouring.

Her mother is terminally ill, and the doctors believe she will leave them any day now. It’s 3 AM, and her phone rings. Her father tells her she’s gone, and she holds herself together until she hangs up the phone. She is panicking; can’t catch her breath. Her father is calling Elain and Feyre, and they are supposed to meet at his house when they can get themselves ready. She doesn’t know how she will face this. She can’t do it. She can’t do it. She Can’t. Do. It.

Her fingers work automatically, pressing Cassian’s contact and putting him on speaker phone. Holding it to her face seems too taxing, and her tears will smear all over the screen. He answers in two rings, his voice gravelly with sleep.

”Nes?”

Her only answer is a choked sob, followed by several attempts at catching her breath.

“Nesta. I’m on my way. Stay on the phone with me.”

She complies, finally mastering herself enough to say, “Momma” through her sobs.

“Nesta. Sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I’m in the truck now. Please stay with me.”

Everything else is a blur except for hearing him come through her door. He opens her bedroom door swiftly, obviously in a hurry to get to her. He leaves the bedroom light off, allowing the hallway lighting to be his guide to her. His weight is shifting the mattress next to her, and he’s leaning against the headboard. He easily pulls her into his lap, and she’s tucking her face into his neck as she cries. She curls her legs into herself, and he holds her for what feels like seconds and years. She feels something wet soaking into the shoulder of her t-shirt and realizes his tears are falling as well.

He drives her to her father’s once she’s ready, holding her hand the entire way. He never leaves her side the days following, through arrangements, the ceremony, and family visitations. He makes sure she eats on somewhat of a schedule because time is all an illusion to her. He sleeps on her couch every night for the couple of weeks following, knowing bedtime is the hardest time for her, and she won’t want to be alone. She is so touched by his dedication, and she isn’t sure she could do this life without him.

She cried for a long time, only recovering when she felt like she had nothing left to give. She was hardly surprised at the landslide of emotions tackling her considering she had been repressing them for the entirety of their friendship. It was now apparent to her what should have always been apparent: she was in love with Cassian.

She was in love with him, but she had been myopic for so long that she may have finally exhausted his love for her.

——————————————————————————

A/N: Well, here it is. We’re nearing the end of this one, and I’m excited to get the rest up for y’all. As always, your feedback/ comments are welcome! If you’d like to be tagged, feel free to message, comment, or reblog! I’ll be happy to add you to the tag list.

Tags are below!

@polireader // @lord-douglas-the-third // @justgiu12 // @notyournymphetish // @sjm-things // @strangeenemy // @iammissstark // @keshavomit // @sjmships // @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks // @dusty-lightbulb // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @julemmaes // @charincharge // @superspiritfestival // @awesomelena555 // @sleeping-and-books // @hizqueen4life // @maastrash // @bookstantrash // @rhyswhitethorn // @grace-k-sterling // @sayosdreams // @sis-it-dont-add-up // @ladywitchling // @b00kworm //

#nessian #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #nesta #cassian #acotar #nessian au #nessian fwb #nessian angst #nessian fanfic #acowar #acomaf #nessian fluff #archeron sisters #acotar fanfiction

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aaronhart93-archive · 4 years

Text

breaking the news ll alison & aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron & @alison-haynes

Mentions: @romanbeckett @luca-regio

When: July 26, 2020

Description: Alison tells Aaron she’s pregnant

Trigger Warnings: pregnancy, aaron just being a dick/melodramatic as usual

Alison.

Alison's schedule had been busy the past few weeks. Ever since announcing the new album, she had interview after interview to promote it. Which also involved some traveling. While she was in California, the blonde had felt a little off, throwing up a couple times, and at first she chalked it up to nerves of the new album. But then her period was late, so the blonde finally took a pregnancy test -- which had come back positive. When she saw the two pink lines on the test, it was shock. So, she took another, and again, two pink lines. Alison even took the liberty to go see a doctor right away to confirm the pregnancy. The popstar, was for sure pregnant. She had just arrived back to the city the day prior, and had gone to Luca's right from the airport to tell him. Now, now she had to tell Aaron, and she knew that he was not going to take it well. Not one bit. Their daughter was off on a playdate, which Alison was appreciative about, because she didn't need Destiny to be in the house when Aaron exploded. And Alison knew he would. She took a deep breath, before letting herself into Aaron's penthouse, and walking into his kitchen, pouring a glass of water immediately, and downing half of it. "Hey, Aaron." She said, seeing him enter the room.

Aaron.

Aaron had been spending his whole week with his boyfriend and his daughter. Boy, was his week amazing. They had spent time with Des while Alison was away, and was also helping his partner move into his new apartment; which came with a whole room just for Des. This made Aaron the happiest man in the world. Not only did he have someone who loved him but he also had someone who loved his daughter. Literally nothing could bring him down. He had everything he could ever want. He had dropped off Destiny at Landon’s house for the day, and Roman had to work so he had the day to himself. No matter how much he liked being alone for the day, he was actually beyond happy that Ali was going to come over. He missed her, but understood why she had been gone. He was used to it by now, Destiny on the other hand...definitely hated when her mom was away for an extended period of time. She always threw more fits and was harder to put down at night. Aaron was a great dad, but Destiny needed nothing of her parents. “Al” He beamed, when he saw her standing in his kitchen. He ran up to her and gave her a big hug and a peck on the cheek. “Cali looks good on you, as always.” He mused, walking over to his wine cooler and started eyeing his collection of expensive wines and thinking of which one to open up.

Alison.

Of course while Alison was away, she was stressed. She was stressed over her album, as she usually was when a new album was coming out. But there was also the Luca and Aaron situation brewing in the back of her mind. She knew Aaron wasn’t Luca’s biggest fan, but she was in love with the Italian. She wanted Aaron and Luca to be friends. She wanted to introduce her blonde haired daughter to the man she was in love with. But Aaron would stop that the way things were currently going. She hated that Aaron couldn’t trust her judgement on Luca. Alison wasn’t one to just jump into a relationship with someone, nor would she do something to harm herself or her family. But yet, Aaron couldn’t trust her when it came to Luca. The blonde leaned against the kitchen counter, after returning Aaron’s hug. “I hope so.” She said with a laugh. She wasn’t ready to tell Aaron, she hadn’t even been ready to tell Luca. But they were two of the most important people in her life, the only people who needed to know about this right now. “How’s your week been?” She questioned, as she sipped her water once again.

Aaron.

Aaron scanned the wine cooler, finally deciding on a nice Rosé. He popped it open and reached for two crystal wine glasses in the China cabinet. He had this big dumb smile on his face when she asked him about his week. He couldn’t wait to tell her. “It was great.” He began, pouring a glass of wine for himself and one for Alison as well. “It’s Roman birthday on the 31st. So we’ve been doing birthday things and decorating his new place. Look at Des’s room in his apartment.” He pulled out his phone from her pocket and started scrolling through his camera roll to show the pop star. “Look. He mounted a tv on the wall and put pink theater curtains on the sides like a stage.” He mused, excited that his boyfriend decided to do something so personal and thoughtful for her daughter. “And I showed destiny some of the Les Mis soundtrack and she keeps singing Castle on a Cloud and literally kills it and I’m not just saying that because I’m biased. If they do a revival on broadway, we’re taking her to that audition.” He laughed. He didn’t mean to rant like this, but he was so excited to tell his best friend about his week. “Anyway, sorry.” He held the other wine glass out for the blonde. “Anything new with you?” He raised his brow.

Alison.

The way Aaron went on and on about Roman was cute. She was glad that the pair had been able to put aside their problems and work things out. She could tell that Aaron was genuinely happy, and she was glad about that. “Its adorable! She’s going to love it.” The blonde mused. They were best friends, and Alison wanted to be able to go on and on about how happy Luca made her to Aaron, in the same way Aaron could go on about Roman. But she couldn’t. Aaron hadn’t come around on Luca, even though Alison was clearly in love with him. That was hard to accept. She never thought she’d be in a relationship that Aaron disapproved of, but at the same time, she was an adult and she was able to make her own decisions, especially when they involved her love life. And now, now that Alison knew that she was carrying Luca’s baby, she wanted more than ever for Luca and Aaron to get along. But she knew it would be the opposite. She kept nodding as Aaron spoke, but it was obvious her mind was elsewhere. The blonde took the wine glass, with no intention of drinking it. She set it on the counter next to her water. “It’s okay. You’re in love.” She said brightly, wishing she could go on and on about how excited Luca was about the baby that was growing inside of her. But she couldn’t. She felt as though she couldn’t speak about Luca to Aaron, not without stepping on a sore spot and she knew what came next would be a huge sore spot. “You know how it goes when I’m about to release a new album.” She said, leaning on the counter. “Busy, go go.” She said, before taking a huge breath, knowing she just had to do it or she wouldn’t. “I do need to tell you something though. Can we go sit?”

Aaron.

Aaron shoved his phone back in his pocket, his smiling still covering his bearded face. “Yeah I know!” He exclaimed, excited for the big reveal he was planning for his daughter even though she had a lot of say in how she wanted her new room to be. “I am in love. I really am.” He shook his head and bit his lip, trying to hide his smile. He hated how cringy and sappy his partner made him, but he would never let people know how corny they actually got. Even Ali. The man took a sip of his wine and nodded his head. “I know, it’s gonna be great though. It’s being well received by the public already and doing promos and touring with Emily is gonna be so great. You’ll have a friend there the whole time so that’s going to be comforting.” He told her. He was both excited and sad to know that Alison was going to be really busy and eventually touring. He was excited for her and her career, but things felt a little more empty when she wasn’t around. Des could feel the emptiness as well. Aaron brought the crystal to his lips then paused mid-sip. It was never good when Alison told her that she needed to tell him something. “Uh huh.” He mumbled, trying to remain calm. He lead her into the living room that was lined with floor to ceiling windows and sat on his leather couch, kicking his feet up on the ottoman. He looked at her with an anticipating expression.

Alison.

The way Aaron beamed on about Roman made Ali’s heart flutter. It was exactly how she felt for Luca, except she didn’t really have anyone to go on and on too. Aaron was the person she wanted to tell. The person she wanted to brag about her boyfriend, yet he was the exact person she couldn’t tell. He was always Alison’s person, and he still was, but it just felt weird that he could brag on about his great relationship, and she couldn’t brag about hers. The blonde nodded, “I know. And I personally think it’s my best album to date. I think the fans will really dig it.” Alison was excited to go on tour again, but she knew she’d be missing Destiny, and well — her new baby girl or boy. Luca and Aaron would be well missed too. She wasn’t sure how she was feeling about tour though, with this new news. She picked up her glass of water, leaving the wine on the counter before heading to his couch and taking a seat. Alison took a sip of her water before setting it down, ready for him to explode. She knew Aaron was going to think her and Luca had been trying for a baby. Hell, she had asked Aaron if he’d be interested in fathering another child not that long ago. But the truth was, Alison and Luca hadn’t been trying for a child. They just happened to not use protection the first time they had intercourse, and it had resulted in a pregnancy. Alison pushes her blonde locks back, “You need to not freak out. I mean— you’re going to freak out. But just try and remain calm, okay?”

Aaron.

Ali going on tour was hard for him and he missed her dearly while she was gone, but he did love his times with Destiny while she was away. Except this time around he was have Roman to be there with them while she was away. The thought made him happy, and he couldn't believe that he was afraid of his family falling apart. Then again, there was Luca whom Aaron still wasn't sure about. He knew he needed to make a decision on that soon and that he was really dragging out it out. That wasn't fair to Alison. Oh god, in his experience, he always ended up freaking out after she said that. They always said "don't freak out" to each other - and everything they each ended up freaking out. What the fuck could she possibly say now? Alison, every time you say to me..." He trailed off, taking a sharp breath in. He took feet from the ottoman and leaned his elbows on his knees, wine glass dangling in his hand. "What?" He took a deep breath. He was suddenly very nervous, knee shaking a little.

Alison.

The thoughts in Alison’s mind we’re swirling around. She had been trying to convince Aaron to give Luca a chance. She wanted to introduce her young daughter to her boyfriend, but she wouldn’t until Aaron told her she could. She respected Aaron and the fact that he was the father of her daughter, but she also knew everything was about to shift. If Aaron didn’t already hate Luca, he would after her next words. “I also need you to not hate Luca. And not to go and kill him.” She knew that would be one of the first thoughts to pop into his head. Alison’s family dynamic was about to change dramatically, and she didn’t know how it was going to work when she had an infant and a six year old. Especially if the fathers of her children’s absolutely hated each other. Her hand slowly slipped over her stomach, biting on her lip, “I—I’m—,” she needed to spit it out, and she needed to do it quickly, “—I’m pregnant.” She said quickly, hoping she said it slow enough for him to understand.

Aaron.

What could possibly be so bad that it would make Aaron want to kill Luca? Did he get back into drugs? Yeah, that would make Aaron want to kill Luca especially when he had been thinking about letting him meet Des soon. Aaron took a sip of his wine but nearly sip that shit out when she finally told him that she was pregnant. "Fuckin' -- what!?" He exclaimed, shooting up from his seat and frantically began pacing around his living. Aaron know that he had had way more sex that and only once did it result in a baby. Alison and Luca hadn't been together for that long so they couldn't have had that much sex. What the fuck was that logic? "Alison, did you not take sex education in high school? What the fuck!" He had literally no idea what to do with this information. His stomach turned. Destiny was getting a little sibling. Alison was getting another family. Without him. He felt...betrayed almost. Left out? "Or did you purposely get pregnant?" He asked, looking over at her. He downed his drink and made a beeline to the kitchen to pour himself another glass, not even waiting for her answer. Part of him didn't want to hear the answer. He really had no fucking idea how to react to this but the room was literally spinning.

Alison.

Alison knew whatever was about to happen, it wasn’t going to be good. And the blonde already hadn’t been feeling great, the morning sickness had been relatively new this week, but it has hit bad. When she was pregnant with Destiny, she didn’t experience much morning sickness, so she wasn’t expecting it. As Aaron heard the words, Alison shut her eyes tightly. She wanted to be back at Lucas apartment. When she told Luca about the pregnancy, his smile lit up the whole room. It made the very nervous Alison feel a lot better, but Aaron — well he was the complete opposite. In the past few months, everything had shifted. For a long time, Alison’s family was Aaron and Destiny. Now her family consisted of Aaron and Destiny, but also Luca and the new bundle of joy growing inside of her, and there was a good chance Roman was part of their family figure now. And it was something to figure out for sure. Alison rubbed her forehead as Aaron yelled at her, she didn’t need this. Alison rose from the couch, following the businessman to the kitchen, “No, not that it is your business but I did not get pregnant on purpose.” She told him, “But — I got pregnant. And that’s now something I have to deal with, and I need support from my loved ones. I need support from you.”

Aaron.

He was trying not to seem too frustrated...really trying. He knew he needed to be supportive and he wanted to be. Everything had changed so quickly for them in the past few months. He had dated two people in the past few months...that's two more than he had dated in almost six years. And now there was Alison...and Luca...and their baby. He dumped the rest of the wine into his glass and literally started chugging. Why couldn't be just be happy for his best friend? She was an amazing mom already, and he knew she was going to be an amazing mom to Des' sibling. His free hand gripped the granite countertop, steadying himself. The room really was spinning. "Jesus, I'm nauseous." That was ironic, considering that Alison had probably actually been nauseous for the past couple of weeks. He wasn't ready for this. He thought when he told Alison that he wouldn't help her with IVF that this conversation would be done with for now. That he wouldn't have to worry about this again for a while. Now he had to face this head on. "What did Luca say?" He asked, calmly. He was finally begin to loosen up, but that was definitely because of the wine.

Alison.

After Luca and Alison started a romantic relationship, Alison had decided that she was going to hold off on having another child. She wanted to get to know Luca, his perfections and imperfections. She wanted to learn everything about her Italian boyfriend, and focus on the relationship, and not a child. But— she had gotten pregnant —from sex once. Every time after the couple had used protection. Alison also didn’t want to upset Aaron once again. The two had argued for a while, and she hated not having her best friend around. She didn’t want to be back to that place again. “You and me both.” The blonde muttered. Alison really hated the morning sickness this pregnancy was bringing along with it. Aaron’s next words were ones she knew would come eventually. “Uh,” Alison was uncomfortable, that was clear. Her boyfriend was excited to become a father— but was upset that Alison was even here talking to Aaron currently. It broke her heart that her two favorite guys didn’t get along. But it was something she would need to learn to deal with, “Hes excited to be a dad.” She said, which was the truth. But she left out the part where her and Luca got into an argument and she had gone to sleep in tears the night prior. The night where her and Luca should have been celebrating their pregnancy, but instead, she slept awkwardly in the bed beside him because he was upset with her. She didn’t tell Aaron that part. If she had, she wasn’t sure what Aaron would do.

Aaron.

Aaron could remember his initial reaction to Alison when she told him he was pregnant over 5 years ago. He was less than proud of that reaction -- to say the least. So he was happy that Luca was excited. He could have reacted way worse which would have devastated Alison -- and really pissed Aaron off. "Okay, that's good." He said, finishing his glass and leaning his elbows on the island to put his head in his face, setting his glasses down beside him before he did. Aaron needed time to process all of this. He didn't know how to feel. He was happy for her...but terrified to think about what this meant for their family. He was suddenly concerned about what he was going to say to Luca. Their last conversation had gone less than well and now he literally had no choice but to speak with him again. He was fathering his daughter's sibling. Aaron took several deep breathes. His heart rate was fucking racing, and he could feel his face getting red. He stood there silently for a while. He was at a loss of words.July 23, 2020

Alison.

The initial reaction to her pregnancies by the fathers of her children were very different. She remembered how mad Aaron had been when she initially told him she was pregnant with Destiny, but it had turned around throughout the pregnancy and Aaron grew into one of the best fathers she knew. Alison has been nervous to tell Luca, in fear of another angry reaction. But the way Luca’s smile lit up the room when he found out he was going to be a father, had warmed Alison’s heart. “Yeah,” Alison desperately wanted Aaron and Luca to get along. She shut her eyes, “I need you — I really need you to try with Luca. I know you don’t like him —.” A few tears spilled over her eyes, “Everything is changing, Aaron. And I need you now more than ever.” She said softly.

Aaron.

Aaron was still upset. Well -- he didn't really know how he was feeling. Anxious. Nervous. Overwhelmed. Even a little angry still. And, God, he couldn't imagine how Alison was feeling right now. He tried to calm down when he noticed her crying, blue eyes meeting. He needed to be her best friend right now. "Alison..." He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her for a warn hug. He couldn't give her an answer about Luca, but he really didn't have a choice at this point. He was part of their family now and Aaron would just have to accept that. "Ali, you know I'm always -- always -- going to be here for you." He promised, kissing the top of her head. "Why are you crying?" He asked. Probably a dumb question -- She was having a baby. She was filled with so many different emotions she was probably so overwhelmed.

Alison.

The tall girl didn't know how to feel. Everything was mixed up. She was in a relationship with a man she was in love with, but it was a rather new relationship, but now she was carrying his baby. In hindsight, it was probably better than when she got pregnant with Destiny. The media said all sorts of things back then about the pair from a reality show. Now, at least Alison was in a relationship with the person she was about to have a baby with. What would the media think when this information came out? She knew they would have something to say, they always did. She couldn't just live her life. Plus, she hadn't even broken the news to her management, and she knew they wouldn't react great. She was one of the biggest money making artists there, and how would this information affect the upcoming sales on her new album. She learned into Aaron's hug, and thats when it happened. It was no longer just a few tears, Alison was full on sobbing into Aaron's shoulder. She sniffled, "You hate my boyfriend and my boyfriend hates you. And -- I -- I'm going to have children with both of you, I don't know what I'm going to do." She cried out. Maybe hate was a strong word, but that had been the vibe she had been getting from both of the guys.

Aaron.

Aaron sighed. His heart broke a little when he heard the mother of his child crying. He held her tight. “I don’t hate your boyfriend.” He said over his shoulder. “I’m just wary of him. Selling drugs is so dangerous. Do you remember Marley’s boyfriend, Logan? He sold drugs and never was able to get out of it. And Marley almost got hurt.” He said, reminding Alison about their old cast mates. “So I’m keeping my guard up. But I don’t hate him.” He reminded her. Aaron didn’t exactly like Luca, but he was trying.July 24, 2020

Alison.

He could say that he didn't hate her boyfriend, but it sure felt like he did. She rested her chin on his shoulder sadly, "I know. I know it was dangerous. But, he is pushing on, and living his life today. Not about what happened in the past, and sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with." She mumbled. She figured he'd know that, considering he had fallen in love with Roman, and she was sure he wasn't expecting that. "I'm cautious, Aaron. And you know -- Diego is almost always with me when I'm out. Sure, not when Luca and I are at my home, or at his, but we both live in secure buildings." She reminded him, another tear slipping from her eyes. "I just -- I need you both to try." This was her family unit now. Aaron, Destiny, Luca, and Baby Regio. She needed Aaron and Luca to get along somewhat. "Try really hard."

Aaron.

He wasn't going to comment when she asked him to try hard with Luca. He couldn't think about what he was going to say to him next, even though he knew they needed to have a long conversation. The bar owner would eventually have to aAaron pulled away from their hug and pressed her head against his hands to look over at her. "I'm here for you, Alison. Like I told you before -- no matter what you decide to do I'm going to be here for you." He reminded her. He was still fuming. God, he wanted to run over to Luca's and scream at him. He wasn't sure what he would say -- he just needed to get his anger and frustrations out on someone and he seemed like the perfect one for that. But that wasn't what Alison needed right now. She needed her best friend and daughter's father; she needed her family. "I promise you I am going to love that kid, and help you with everything you need." He said, sternly.

Alison.

Alison hadn't expected her life to go this way, not right now at least. After her and Luca got together, she expected to maybe have a child with him if their relationship lasted, but not this early on. But this was where her life was. When he pulled away, she started pacing back and forth, so many thoughts still going through her mind. "No matter what I decide to do? I mean - I'm having a baby. There isn't much to decide on." She said, wrapping her own arms around her lower stomach. More tears slipped from her eyes, as she took a seat once again. She knew Aaron would love her child, almost as much as he loved Destiny, but he wouldn't be able to do that if Luca didn't allow Aaron to see the baby. And with the way things were going, she wasn't sure what would happen. "I know you will," She whispered. Aaron wouldn't ever abandon her, especially not in something like that. She looked at him sadly, "I don't know what I'm doing -- Aaron." She admitted, "I feel lost, I feel alone." In this moment, she did. Even though, there were a million people who would support her. "--I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a bad dream. And I'm not talking about the baby, the baby is a blessing. I already love this baby." She said quietly, "I just -- Luca didn't want me to tell you, yet. But I needed too. But - I don't even know what this family is going to be like if you two can't get along. I want to be able to tell you about how happy he makes me, Aaron. But I just zip my lips quiet, all the time. And I don't know if I can anymore."

Aaron.

Aaron really did feel like absolute shit. Hearing this from Alison made his heart break, but he knew he had a reason to keep his guard up about Luca. "Alison..." He began, sitting down next to her. "This is scary. I know you're scared, but I'm scared too honestly. Luca is -- not the type of person I expected you to fall in love with. I knew you would fall in love. I did. But not to a drug dealer, Alison. The truth is -- I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared that we're gonna fall apart, and now -- with this new baby -- I'm even more scared." He confessed, running his hands through his hair. "Tell me about him then." He said reluctantly, after a few moments of silence. He didn't really want to hear all about him, but he hated that fact that Alison felt like she couldn't talk about her boyfriend, like Aaron could about his.

Alison.

Alison listened to his words, and she got it, she did. He was just looking out for her, and if the roles had been reversed, Alison would have been looking out for Aaron. But, Alison believed in Luca and believed he was a different man. And she wished Aaron could see that. She took a deep breath, nodding at Aaron. “You can’t help who you fall in love with. And he’s not a drug dealer anymore. He’s just Luca. My Luca.” She said. Alison had never seen the side of Luca that ended up behind bars, hence why she believed in him and believed he wouldn’t do any wrong. But, with her carrying Luca’s baby, it meant everything was different now. Alison grabbed Aaron’s hand, giving it a squeeze, “We’re not going to fall apart. You are still my best friend, and Destiny’s father. You are still my family. And you will always be my family— no matter what happens.” She promised him, giving his hand another squeeze. She could tell that Aaron didn’t want to actually hear about Luca, but it was nice that he offered. “Another time.” She said quietly.

Aaron.

It didn't please Aaron to hear Alison call Luca her Luca. He knew he was being stubborn as hell, but now he was more bothered than ever. Birth control. A condom. Pulling out even. Aaron could think of a hundred different ways that this could have been avoided, and was curious as to why Alison didn't think of any considering the last one night stand she had when she was 21. Aaron squeezed his best friend's hand back. "I believe you." He wasn't sure if there was a lot of truth to that. He wanted to believe that their family wouldn't fall apart, but he wasn't so sure he believed that himself. "Alright, Ali. I'm here whenever want to to tell me about it though. I'm sorry I haven't been open to it." He admitted. Aaron squeezed her hand again and put his head on her shoulder. He took a deep breath and let his cheeks puff up when he breathed out. He was calm -- well, calm-ish. He was still losing in internally but was trying to keep his cool for the singer. He furrowed his brow, suddenly picking up on something she had said to him before. "Luca didn't want you to tell me?" He asked, picking up head up from her shoulder and looking over at his, face twisted with confusion.

Alison.

Alison hadn’t thought about any type of protection the first time Luca and her had sex. She had been so caught up in the moment of his lips against her skin, she didn’t care to think about the need of any protection. After the first time, the pair had used condoms, but she was six weeks along, which lined up to the first time she had sex with her Italian boyfriend. Aaron was her family though, and at the end of the day, she wasn’t about to let the pregnancy ruin her already established family unit. It was time to expand the family unit and she would have to learn to make it work, if the people around her weren’t going to make it work. “I know you don’t like him, I get it. But you’re still the person I tell everything too—and it’s hard to keep this from you as he is such a big part in my life now.” She mentioned. Before looking over once more to him. “No. He didn’t want me to tell you yet. I couldn’t keep this from you though.”July 26, 2020

Aaron.

If Aaron hadn't been fuming before, he was fucking livid now. The nerve he had to even suggest that Alison shouldn't have told Aaron about her pregnancy... "What the fuck?" Aaron cleared his throat and got up and began pacing. "I'm Destiny's father! His child's sister's father!" He said, pointing to himself. "I'm confused at what his goal is here? Does he want me to hate him? Because we when had drinks we didn't even make it half way through a conversation before he left. He didn't even seem to want to put in the effort like I was." Maybe that wasn't entirely true, but Aaron was too angry now to see it from any other angle. "I--" He was getting fired up again. He tried to take several deep breathes but he couldn't seem to get calm. Alison was pregnant and Luca was part of their family now. "I need to take a walk." He slid into his sneakers and walked out of his home.

Alison.

That was something that Alison truly agreed with Aaron on when it came to Baby Regio. At the end of the day, their children would be siblings. She would be the mother of both Aaron and Luca's children. The two men didn't necessarily have to like each other, but their kids would grow up as siblings, so Aaron deserved to know that his daughter would be getting a sibling, and he deserved to know as soon as possible. "I know, I know you are. Thats why I couldn't keep this from you." Her eyebrow raised when he mentioned getting drinks with Luca. How did she not know the two had gone out for drinks? "I--when did you guys go out for drinks?" She asked, scratching the side of her head. Alison watched as he put his shoes on, "Please don't go." She said, but watched as Aaron walked out of the penthouse. Now Luca, and Aaron were both upset with her, and she truly was alone in this.

#discord #alison #baby regio

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kyogre-blue · 5 years

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Nanowrimo, day 18 (wc 1870)

(Notes: finally done with this interlude, next we’re back to actually advancing the story!)

Ever since he and Alibaba had come to a decision about their departure, Sinbad had been nearly vibrating with anticipation. Overflowing with energy, he had volunteered to take care of all the preparations for sailing to the extreme north -- insisted on it, really -- and he had been running around Balbadd in pursuit of just that for days.

They needed supplies, of course. Also, a map and any advice possible on the route. What landmarks were there along the very long coast? What bearings should they take and for how long? What was the weather like? Sinbad was confident in his sailing skills and intuition, but more information wouldn’t hurt.

Beyond that, they needed a ship. Large enough for two people and potentially large amounts of treasure, but also small and simple enough to be manned by just one, since Alibaba admitted to having no seagoing experience at all. Since he was like that and the weather would quite possibly be poor, it would be better to have at least a cabin he could hide in...

Sinbad’s head spun a little with all these considerations, but mostly he just felt an overwhelming surge of excitement.

This was it. This was what a real adventure felt like -- this was what he’d always dreamed of!

Sailing off to a faraway land of rumors, searching for a mystic treasure, gaining countless new experiences... It was all in his grasp now.

The day before their decided upon departure date -- which Alibaba had inexplicably moved a week prior -- Sinbad rushed home to declare the good news of his accomplishments. Conveniently, Alibaba had been waiting in the front hall. He jumped as the door was thrown open and his companion burst inside.

“Done! Everything is ready to go!” Sinbad declared.

“...Okay,” Alibaba agreed. He sighed, clutching some documents he’d been looking over to his chest. “Just… just come in and close the door.”

Sinbad’s mouth twitched. This guy had the soul of an old woman and he complained about as much too. “Come on, be a little come excited,” Sinbad urged him. “We have a ship! And a destination! An adventure!”

“Okay, okay,” Alibaba repeated. Waving to a servant who had peeked out from one of the inner rooms, he gestured for Sinbad to sit down next to him. “Tell me about it.”

Sinbad settled onto the couch, only to start fidgeting excitedly almost right away. Jumping to his feet again, he began to pace small circles in front of Alibaba. “We have a ship,” he explained, gesticulating broadly. “It’s nothing too big, but there’s a cabin and a sizeable hold, for anything we pick up. There’s plenty of supplies and…”

Alibaba nodded along, somewhat distractedly. He did know the basics of what was necessary for sea voyages, just like he seemed to know at least something about everything and never be entirely at a loss, so it shouldn’t have been that he didn’t understand what Sinbad was explaining. Was he really just that unexcited? It couldn’t be. What young man didn’t dream of adventure? They were only a few years apart! Did those few years really have the power to turn you this dull?

“...Are you listening?” Sinbad wondered, trailing off.

“Yes, of course,” Alibaba answered immediately.

“Then what did I just say?”

The two of them stared at each other. Sinbad turned away first, palming his face. He sounded just like his mom, he realized.

Before he could figure out how to react, Anise slipped into the front hall -- sending Alibaba scrambling to hide his face from her, as if he really thought she hadn’t already seen him around the house countless times. “Young Master,” she called out, making Sinbad squirm a little on reflex, “Madam is looking for you. If you would follow me…”

“Did anything happen?” Sinbad asked as they walked. “Is Mom…”

Anise smiled and held a finger to her lips.

A delicious, terribly familiar scent wafted over from the room they stopped in front of. “Madam, Young Master is here,” Anise announced and, with a quick bow to Sinbad, retreated.

He had to admit, his curiosity had been piqued. Based on the delicious aroma, he could guess the what -- it could only be Esra’s home cooking -- but he couldn’t imagine why all the secrecy and stalling. It wasn’t as if he and Esra didn’t eat together every evening. He’d always made sure to return from training or exploring or preparations early enough, knowing it wouldn’t be long before he departed for an unforeseeable length of time.

Was it because they were leaving tomorrow? Making this guess, he pushed open the door and stepped inside.

As he had expected, a table full of numerous dishes had been set for two. The ingredients were somewhat different, but it was all clearly Partevian cuisine, something he had to admit he missed sometimes, no matter how he interesting he found the many dishes of varied origin available in Balbadd.

“Sinbad, welcome back,” Esra greeted him. “And, happy birthday.”

...Ah. “Heh,” Sinbad chuckled, “I forgot about that.”

Smiling, Esra waved him over. “I thought so,” she said. “The last few years, we couldn’t do anything at all. I guess it’s natural not to look forward to it... But this time, all of this is for you. I haven’t cooked for a while, so I hope the taste isn’t too bad. Don’t force yourself if I made a mistake, okay?”

Personally, Sinbad thought it was more because he wasn’t a kid anymore, to be counting every birthday. But looking at his mother’s smiling, almost glowing face, he could only smile back and readily start piling food onto his plate.

“‘s delicious!” he mumbled around a mouthful. Swallowing everything down and reaching for more, he added, “With a present like this, I’ll definitely look forward to birthdays more!”

Esra laughed and ruffled his hair. Sinbad endured it with good grace. “I’ll definitely be happy if you visit every year! But that’s not your real gift.”

“There’s more?”

“There’s more,” Esra agreed happily. “But first -- eat up, birthday boy!”

~.~

Tapping the neat rows of writing on a scroll, Alibaba asked, “Do you understand?”

“M-more or less...” Anise said. She didn’t sound or look very sure, with her brows furrowed deeply and biting her lip. “But, Sir Ali, I only learned a little writing at... my previous job... I don’t have any experience with this kind of matter.”

“Of course you do. You’ve kept track of how much money you receive and how much you spend, right? It’s the same principle,” Alibaba assured her. “The totals of what was loaned and how much they should pay back when are all written here. You just need to receive it when they pay back and confirm that it’s the right amount. All of the loans were confirmed with these banks, so if someone tries to refuse to pay, you can go directly to the bank and have them deal with it.”

As a merchant nation, Balbadd was very serious about matters of money, and Alibaba had gone the extra step of having all the contract signings observed and confirmed by a third party. If someone seriously tried to weasel out of paying, they could be reported to the authorities for their punishment, which would be anything for being temporarily blacklisted until they repaid what they owed to even a criminal sentence.

Slowly, Anise nodded.

“Don’t worry. I know you can do it,” Alibaba said with absolute certainty. He had explained entrusting the task of managing his investments to Anise as a necessity, given Esra’s weak health and the other servants’ lack of even Anise’s rudimentary reading ability. But the truth was that he would have always picked her first no matter what.

“If Sir Ali believes so, then I will do my best not to let you down,” Anise finally agreed.

“Great! Then, since you’ll be handling an additional responsibility, you can go ahead and add another twenty to your salary...” Alibaba started to say, pulling out the manor’s ledger.

“No, no! That’s not right!” Anise protested. “There’s no need! My salary is already too much for just a servant!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Alibaba said, ignoring her protests and putting an additional mark next to her name. “This way, you can buy your son a present for his birthday. He’ll be four in a few days, right?”

Anise’s eyes widened in surprise. “Ah, Sir Ali... you know about that?” she said, her tone slightly strange.

The look she gave him was strange too. It seemed like she was overthinking a small detail he could have found out by accident in a number of ways, and not because he was a time traveler who knew his own birthday. Suddenly, Alibaba had the strong impression that she, like Sinbad and Esra, had come to her own conclusions about his background.

But that didn’t make any sense. If he considered how it looked from Sinbad’s perspective, Alibaba could vaguely guess what he and his mother were assuming -- between his resemblance to Anise and his own child self, Anise’s status as a single mother with no partner in sight, and Alibaba’s not entire subtle reactions to her.

Anise, however, knew very well her own family situation, or lack thereof. She couldn’t have possibly taken him for a brother, cousin, whatever like Sinbad and Esra seemed to have.

What in the world was she thinking?

“Sir Ali, just what is that you...” Anise started, only to trail off, pursing her lips. After a moment of deep internal conflict that flickered across her open, expressive face, she shook her head and smiled again. “I won’t let you down,” she repeated.

What Alibaba had overlooked was that he resembled both his parents. The truth was naturally too preposterous for Anise to guess, but when she looked at him, the face she thought of wasn’t her own. Rather, it was that of the 22nd king of Balbadd.

There were no immediate branches in the royal family, but that didn’t mean there were none at all.

Was it possible this was that man’s kindness...?

Sneaking another glance at ‘Sir Ali’, Anise chose to remain silent. At the palace, she had learned that there were some things better left unspoken.

Of course, there were also things that needed to be said, or they would remain an eternal regret.

~.~

“Oh, I forgot to ask,” Sinbad realized when they were two days out of Balbadd and had settled into smooth sailing across the smooth blue sea. “What about you? When is your birthday?”

Alibaba blinked and frowned thoughtfully. He ignored Sinbad’s raised eyebrows at the complicated thinking this seemingly simple question required.

When he went into Amon, it had been two months after his birthday, and he had just turned seventeen. When he came out, it was fourteen years in the past and also three months earlier. In a way, his birthday was tomorrow. But it wasn’t like he was actually turning eighteen. How to even count in a situation like that?

“Well... it’s not for a while,” Alibaba said finally, with an awkward smile.

In a way, it was true. Alibaba Saluja’s eighteenth’s birthday was not for a very long time yet.

#nanowrimo #My writing

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agirlingrey · 7 years

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DRABBLE MEME. | @akingslayerx.

As much as Alys LOATHED to admit it, her ‘husband’ ( the word and the man associated with it still gave her shivers, even after almost two years ) had been right about one thing: Tywin Lannister truly did not leave Casterly Rock until A CHILD was born to them. At first, Alys took a SAVAGE sort of pleasure upon giving birth to a daughter, and not a son. But the said pleasure was quickly diminished by the expression she saw on her good-father’s face. He doesn’t care, She realised with a start, He doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. He would prefer a boy, and he will insist upon it, but in the end, he just wants it to not be a dwarf above anything else. Well, Alysanne was a HEALTHY child, certainly not a dwarf, and carried locks of golden Lannister hair, much to her mother’s annoyance.

Alys loved Alysanne. Truly, she did. And yet... a part of her couldn’t help but feel RESENTFUL of the small thing, as she bound her to this place, even though it was unintentional on her part. If there was a way that Alys could abandon Casterly Rock and this golden-haired child that did not look like her at all ( save her bright GREY eyes ), she would. All mothers loved their children, didn’t they? The BITTERNESS that she felt when she looked upon Alysanne was unnatural... or the southron septons would say. Yet a part of her continued to despise her golden-haired daughter, as SINFUL as it may be.

As time passed, the very flesh and blood she have birth to grew up to be more like a Lannister every day. Mothers should not despise their children. It was a DIFFICULT thing to admit to herself... and even more difficult to admit to her Lannister husband, as she had done one night when she had too much to drink. To his credit, he had only LAUGHED, and made a jape about the difference between brunettes and blondes. There were very little things that Jaime Lannister took seriously, thank the gods.

Her husband had many, MANY faults, but he was not a rapist. During the first few months of their marriage, when things seemed impossible for the both of them, he came to her, and explained why they must do what they had to do, and offered her no threats or PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. He was a vile man, but not in ways that one might imagine. He had not been a maid when they first joined in bed, no more than she had been a maiden. Neither of them cared, neither of them loved ( or even remotely liked ) the other. But he was surprisingly kind, and for Alys’s part, well... she did not stab him in his sleep. And he was a GOOD FATHER, even she could admit that. He loved Alysanne more than she did, that was certain. As soon as she was born, stopped spending so much time riding across the Westerlands under the pretense of making sure their bannermen were under control.

White ravens flew from the Citadel, heralding the arrival of winter. Around the same time, Alys’s belly began to grow again, but this time she felt no resentment towards Jaime Lannister. He hadn’t wanted to bed her, no more than she’d wanted to bed him, but they’d both been forced to do so yet again, as a MERE GIRL wasn’t enough for Tywin Lannister... whose joy upon receiving a healthy granddaughter had waned after a couple of years. Jaime and Alys were almost comrades in a sense, united by their distaste of one another and hatred of Tywin Lannister’s decisions.

As she took to resting in the bed ( something she despised as a rule ), news came POURING out of the North: Harrion had escaped and was now the Lord of Karhold, and was demanding of her release. ( Her hands had trembled when she read that raven scroll, and she’d met Jaime’s eyes defiantly. ) Arya and Sansa Stark had reclaimed Winterfell, and Roose Bolton and his bastard son were dead. Brandon and Rickon Stark were not dead at all, and Bran Stark was now the Lord of Winterfell in name. Lord Manderly had brought Rickon Stark to his siblings back to the North with his own hands, and the northmen now made common cause with King Stannis. Jon Snow, her old friend, came down from the Wall, and confirmed all the identities of his lost siblings. Now the greatest ENEMIES of House Lannister were gathered in the North, united behind one leader, with one aim.

Her second birthing pains took her in a night of snow storms — every time Alys howled in pain, the storm HOWLED back at her twice as loud. Jaime Lannister was away, riding to a holdfast whose knight might give him trouble... or so he had said: she suspected that he simply didn’t want to play the DOTING HUSBAND, which was just as well. She did not particularly want him here when she gave birth either.

She gave birth to a son, this time. A son that even Tywin Lannister would be proud of. And indeed, when the maester placed the little baby in his arms ( healthy and big ), it was the first and ONLY time that Alys saw her good-father smile. Jaime still wasn’t there, but Tywin Lannister congratulated her and even kissed her on her sweaty forehead right after she gave birth, which she assumed was a sign of APPROVAL for a man such as him.

He left soon after, leaving behind a mixture of advice and threats. But Alys did not care. The boy she gave birth to had black hair, pale skin, grey eyes. Search as she might, she couldn’t find a SINGLE trait that tied him to House Lannister. Then Tywin Lannister died on a privy, shot in the gut by his own dwarf son, and Alys laughed and laughed and LAUGHED when she heard... finally feeling some sort of happiness since she was forced to travel south of the Neck, many years ago.

By the time her lord husband returned to the castle, Alys’s heart had grown thrice its size, with happiness, hope, and VENGEANCE. “There are many raven scrolls which arrived during your absence, my lord,” She told him, her voice sounding weaker than she might have liked, “Your father, bless his memory, did not enjoy reading what they brought... and neither will you, but perhaps you should read them all the same.”

With a VICIOUS smile, she wrapped her arms around the small babe, who was now sleeping peacefully against her chest. “You weren’t here to name him, my sweet lord. And you know as well as I that it would be BAD LUCK to not name a child for three days after he was born. So I named him in your absence, husband. His name is Robb.”

#akingslayerx #all men must serve. ( alys and jaime. )#private verse. ( don't let your guard down. )#DRABBLES.

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mojput-mypath · 5 years

Text

Wind of Change/Vjetar promjene

ENGLISH FIRST - scroll till the end for some nice pics

HRVATSKI ISPOD ENGLESKOG

Reading time: 7 minutes, 14 seconds

FLASH NEWS

Is there a day with no news from me?

One day it's up One day it's down One day it is.

Like Jessica Jones says (a Marvel heroine): Start from the beginning.

I came to Zagreb. Then went away for the weekend to the seaside. Someone asked me: since when have you been in Zagreb? I could not say. I tried to figure it out according to how many rents I paid, but that was not entirely correct, as I was here before I got my place for a few weeks, and then I was in Germany in between.

I cannot really follow where I was, nor where I am going. I went from one city to another, spent an hour and a half there, and came back. It is not so hard to travel Croatia, like it used to be.

Rijeka, Croatia

ETERNAL QUESTIONS

Who am I, where am I, what am I to do, what is really important? The world outside of the ashram is quite complex.

In the ashram, you have this one thing that keeps pressing on you, and it keeps pressing on you from all sides, until it squeezes yourself out of yourself.

Here, on the outside, a lot of things press on you, sometimes more, sometimes less in phases. Fires come up on all sides. One calms down, while another bursts out. Juggling!

I’m doing coffee hangouts, lunches, concerts. Sing, play, breathe – the usual. I am working on quite some projects, most of them interesting and most of them online. Now, I seem to be, like they say in the modern world – a freelancer. I work on projects, people are paying me. Offering me new projects. One project keeps me connected to Zagreb, but I still have some flexibility of movement. That’s how it is, once you get all you wanted to have for so long, it seems it arrived so naturally, that one cannot even perceive it is some great success. It took some time, I wished for this for a long time, I worked in that direction, but I cannot really say that I am responsible for things being as they are now. It happened, what do I know how it happened. The intention just manifested.

Now that the intention has manifested, it’s all fine and dandy, but it came naturally. I didn’t ruin myself in order to get here. It just happened. It wasn’t me, for real.

IT WASN’T ME

I don’t know if this is humble of me, or stupid of me, but I don’t feel I deserve to have credit for the situation I am in. Not only that, but all this doesn’t seem to be so special, like I dreamt it would be. Life should not be a search for happiness, but an expression of happiness, Guru says. Every moment is fulfilling, every moment holds happiness. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow, not when I will have, when I will know, when I will feel like this and like that. Postponing happiness is crap. Expressing happiness in every moment is enlightenment. Life is somewhere in between. It is good to have reminders, when we fall into a particular version of our own reality, and put an ultimatum on our own happiness and contentment. When the ultimatum is fulfilled – happiness. When it is not – unhappiness. In my world, I call this slavery. I admit I am a slave. A slave of my own creation. A slave of my own mind.

I am not trying to be negative, just realistic. If there is such a things as realistic.

The enthusiasm and love I had in life for the things I did brought me disappointment and discontentment. I am serious. I used to things with so much love, in spite of the work being unsatisfying and less than my skills and knowledge capacity, I expected the work to bring me growth and happiness. I expected the work to bring results. Results I expected. But, the results came as disappointing. I wanted to save the world and be a part of a change. I have not saved the world, nor am I a part of any change. I had this idea how all this should look like, but in the end it didn’t.

Let me elaborate. You work on a project, you work hard. You work with love and enthusiasm, expecting the world and the divine to support you. And it does. But not in the way your “noble work should be rewarded and supported”. Then you get sad – why all this good work is not really working out? Then the disappointment. If I had not expected much, I would have been happy with what I got. As I expected GRAND things, and got scraps – it made me feel insignificant and lonely. So, who cares what the results will be, I just need to live life now, without so many projections that rarely get to become what we thought they would.

Island Brač channel/Brački kanal

ORDER, WORK, RESULTS

I am here now! My things are here now, not all of it, but most of it – and that means I am here.

I took over an apartment in Zagreb, from a friend, and I’m working on it to make it look nicer with the least cost and as best I can. It’s a bit of a project, but nothing is impossible for the Super-Woman-Goga-Yoga. Why would things in life be easy. That’s super boring. I put my stuff into its place, and cleaned dirt layers, but I did not paint the flat yet, so who wants to, can come and work with me. It’s an open invite!

And so I keep thinking to myself, like usual. Thinking and thinking – is all this right, am I good, is the world fine? The world seems to take last place at the moment. I thought to myself, I have been caring and worrying about the world for too long. The planet is still spinning, people are still eating and bearing children. Everything seems to be under control, not mine though.

Just the other day I was commenting with a colleague how everything has changed. From doing things out of love and good will, everything changed into money, branding and marketing. That is how it is now. There used to be more time and less technology. Now, there is more technology and less time. People are turning into machines. They mechanically perform their daily tasks, caring for themselves and others. The more tasks and obligations, that much more we worry and burn out. We are already in that phase where we need to seek out time in order to find peace.

Are you finding time? Are you finding peace? Where are you in a hurry to go? What are you afraid of?

FEAR

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I just saw this quote on social media.

And I thought to myself. What would I do?

I would travel the world playing my guitar and singing mantras.

I would not have people criticising my work in not a nice way.

I would spend more time on a beach sipping coconuts and meditating.

I would jump off a plane, even though I am terrified of heights.

I would go to India with no other agenda, but to eat idlis at amma's.

If I weren't afraid, I would honestly tell people how shitty they can be. And if I weren't afraid, I would not be hurt when people are honest with me about how shitty I can be.

I would ask for money to pay off my debts.

I would crowdfund for something selfish.

I would probably be in a relationship.

I would be someone different if I weren't afraid.

I would be free of vice.

And that is why I will stick to my fears and stare at them to make them go away. I might give them a big hearty hug beforehand, and thank them for sticking it out with me.

Olive grove, island Brač/Maslinik, Brač

REMINDER TO SELF

All your negative emotions are just energy stuck in places it is not supposed to be stuck in. In order to get them out of my system – is to meditate. Every other mental exercise I have been stretching myself to do is quite useless. It brings me back to where I was – worried. Worry is a negative emotion and it can be removed by acceptance and release – on an energy level. The mental level, the brain, the monkey just jumps around. It doesn't get things done, it doesn't bring relief. It brings denial and more worry.

MEDITATE!

Or do whatever other thing that takes a break on the useless mental activities. The other stuff the brain does can be useful, but if it takes over… I'll be making another What I would do if I weren't afraid list.

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HRVATSKI PRIJEVOD:

Vrijeme čitanja: 5 min, 59 sek

NAJNOVIJE VIJESTI

Ima li dana kad kod mene nema vijesti?

Jedan dan je gori Jedan dan je doli Jedan dan je.

Kako kaže Jessica Jones (Marvelova junakinja): Počni otpočetka.

Došla ja u Zagreb. I otišla na vikend. Došla ja u Zagreb i otišla na more. Pita me netko: Otkad si u Zagrebu? Nisam znala reći. Orijentirala sam se po stanarinama koje sam platila, ali to nije sasvim točno, jer sam i prije toga bila tu par tjedana, pa otišla u Njemačku, pa se vratila.

Ne pratim više gdje sam bila, niti gdje idem. Onako, sa strane. Otputujem iz jednog grada u drugi, tamo provedem 1,5h i vratim se nazad. Nije ni Hrvatskom tako teško putovati kao što je nekad bilo.

VJEČNA PITANJA

Tko sam, gdje sam, što mi je činiti, što je važno? Svijet van ashrama je mnogo kompleksan.

U ashramu imaš jedno nešto što te stišće, pa te stišće na puno načina istovremeno, dok te ne istisne iz tebe same.

Ovdje te stišće puno toga, u manjoj ili većoj mjeri i to periodično. Upale se vatre razne. Pa se jedna malo stiša, a druga pojača. Žongliranje!

Idem na kave i ručkove, druškanja, koncertić. Pjevam, sviram, dišem – kao i obično. Radim razne projekte, svi zanimljivi i skoro svi online. Sad sam ti ja, kako se ono kaže u modernom svijetu – freelancer-ica. Radim projekte, svi mi nešto plaćaju. Nude mi nove projekte. Imam i jedan dio koji me veže za Zagreb, ali ne pretjerano, imam fleksibilnost kretanja. I tako ti je to, kad dobiješ sve što si dugo želio, došlo je tako prirodno, da ni ne vidiš to sad kao neki veliki uspjeh. Dugo je trajalo, dugo sam to željela, dugo radila u tom smjeru, a opet ne mogu reći da sam samostalno zaslužna za to kako je sad. Dogodilo se, otkud ja znam kako. Namjera se manifestirala.

Sada je namjera manifestirana, i tako ti je to sve super i lijepo i krasno, ali prirodno je došlo. Nisam se ubila u tom smjeru da bih dobila to što imam. Dogodilo se. Nisam ja, majkemi.

Sutivan sunset, island Brač/Sutivanski zalaz sunca, Brač

NISAM JA

Ne znam je li to skromno, ili glupo od mene, ali ne osjećam zasluge za situaciju u kojoj se nalazim. I ne samo to. Već mi ne djeluje da je to nešto tako posebno, kao što sam dugo sanjarila da je. Život ne bi trebao proći u potrazi za srećom, već biti izraz sreće, kaže Guru. Svaki trenutak je ispunjen, u svakom trenutku je sreća. Ne sutra, ne prekosutra, ne kad budem imao, kad budem znao, kad se budem osjećao tako i tako i tako. Odgađanje sreće je sranje. Izražavanje sreće u svakom trenutku je prosvjetljenje. Život je negdje između. Dobro je imati podsjetnike, kad se uljuljkamo u neku svoju stvarnost i stavimo si ultimatum na sreću i zadovoljstvo. Kad je ultimatum zadovoljen – sreća. Kad nije zadovoljen – nesreća. To se u mom svijetu zove robovanje. Priznajem da sam rob. Rob vlastite kreacije. Vlastitog uma.

Ne pokušavam biti negativna, već realna. Ako to postoji.

Entuzijazam i ljubav koji sam u životu nosila za sve što sad radila mi je donio razočaranje i nezadovoljstvo. Ozbiljno ti govorim. S tolikom ljubavlju sam stvari radila, unatoč tome što su bile nezadovoljavajuće i neadekvatne mojim vještinama i znanju, očekivala sam da će mi to donijeti rast i da će mi donijeti sreću. Očekivala sam da će donijeti rezultate. Rezultate kakve sam ja očekivala da donese. Međutim, rezultati su se očitovali na kraju svega kao veliko razočaranje. Htjela sam spasiti svijet i biti dio promjene. Nisam spasila svijet i nisam dio nikakve promjene.

Da pojasnim. Radiš na projektu, i trudiš se baš. Radiš s ljubavlju i entuzijazmom, očekujući svijet i božansko da te podrži. I podrži te. Ali ne na onaj način na koji bi tvoj « plemeniti rad trebao biti nagrađen i podržan». Onda postaješ tužan – zašto sav ovaj “dobri rad” ne uspijeva? Onda razočaranje. Da nisam toliko očekivala, bila bih sretna s onim što sam dobila. Kako sam očekivala VELIKE stvari, i dobila mrvice – osjećala sam se nevažnom i usamljenom. Zato, koga više briga za rezultate, moram samo živjeti život sada, bez projekcija koje rijetko prikažu ono što sam ja mislila da bi trebalo.

RED, RAD, REZULTAT

Ali tu sam! Ovdje su mi sada stvari, ne sve, ali većina da – i to znači da sam tu.

Preuzela sam stan u Zagrebu od prijatelja, radim na tome da ga uredim što jeftinije i bolje mogu. Zahtjevan projekt, ali ništa nemoguće za Super-Ženu Gogu-Yogu. Što bi stvari u životu bile lagane? Živa dosada. Stvari sam rasporedila, slojeve oribala, ali stan još nisam pofarbala, pa tko želi, neka dođe i radi sa mnom. Otvoren poziv!

I kontam ja, kao i obično. Kontam jel to sve dobro, jesam li ja dobro, je li svijet dobro. Svijet nekako ipak na zadnjem mjestu trenutno. Mislim se, brinula sam se za svijet dovoljno dugo. Kugla zemaljska se još nije prestala vrtit', ljudi nisu prestali jest' i rađat djecu. Sve je pod kontrolom. Mojom ne.

Komentiram s kolegicom kako se sve promijenilo. Promijenilo se iz ljubavi i dobre volje u pare, brending i marketing. I sad je to tako. Nekoć je bilo više vremena, i manje tehnologije. Sad je više tehnologije i manje vremena. Ljudi se pretvaraju u mašine. Mehanički idu ovdje i ondje, obavljaju gomile zadataka, brinu se za sebe, za ljude oko sebe. Zum zum zum. Nije lako bubamarcima. Što više zadataka i obaveza, to više briga i izgaranja. Već smo u toj fazi da moramo tražiti vrijeme da bi našli mir.

Jel' nalaziš vrijeme? Jel' nalaziš mir? Gdje se žuriš? Čega se bojiš?

STRAH

Što bi ti napravio/la, da te nije strah?

Vidjela sam ovaj natpis na društvenim medijima.

I pomislila: što je to što bih ja napravila?

Putovala bih svijetom svirajući gitaru i pjevajući mantre.

Ljudi mi ne bi kritizirali rad na ne tako lijep način.

Provodila bih više vremena na plaži, pila kokosovu vodicu i meditirala.

Skočila bih iz aviona, iako se užasavam visina.

Otišla bih u Indiji, bez drugog plana, osim da jedem južno-indijsko jelo 'idli'.

Kada se ne bih bojala, iskreno bih rekla ljudima kako znaju biti grozni. I kada se ne bih bojala, ne bih bila povrijeđena kad bi ljudi bili iskreni prema meni o tome kako ja znam biti grozna.

Tražila bih novce da otplatim dugove.

Napravila bih crowd-funding kampanju za nešto sebično.

Vjerojatno bih bila u vezi.

Bila bih netko drugi da me nije strah.

Bila bih slobodna od poroka.

I to je razlog zašto ću se držati svojih strahova i buljiti u njih kako bi nestali. Možda ih prethodno srčano zagrlim, i zahvalim im se što su bili uz mene.

Beach Bistrica/Plaža Bistrica

POTSJETNIK SEBI

Svi tvoji negativni osjećaji su samo energija koja je zapela na mjestima gdje ne bi trebala zapeti. Kako bih ih izbacila iz sebe – meditiram. Svaka druga mentalna vježba koju sam se trudila napraviti je bezuspješna. Vraća me nazad odakle sam počela – u zabrinutost. Zabrinutost je negativna emocija koja se otklanja jedino prihvaćanjem i otpuštanjem – na energetskom nivou. Mentalni nivo, um, je majmunić koji sam skakuće uokolo. Ništa taj ne obavlja, ne donosi olakšanje. Donosi negiranje i još briga.

MEDITIRAJ!

Ili radi što god ti stavlja kočnicu na beskorisnu mentalnu aktivnost. Druge stvari za koje je um zaslužan, mogu biti korisne, ali ako um preuzme… Napravila bih još jedan „Što bi ti napravio/la, da te nije strah?“ popis.

Refurbished bike/Sređena bicikla, Zagreb

#wind of change #personal blog #gordana tihomirovic #zagreb #croatia #brač

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