#i solemnly vow that i am not gonna be nice anymore

[min3nc]

ok this is definitely me being angry at nothing but holy shit the worst kind of friends are the ones who are like “no one cares about me… i hate being alone.” and then you bend over backwards to show them that you are there for them like asking them to hang out AND THEY GO “oh…… sorry….. but i cant….. i uhhhh *spins wheel of excuses* don’t have money.”

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Coffee - T. Holland

Okay, I know I have requests but this song came on at work the other day and I felt super emotional and I had to write. The use of Tom was very last minute because I had no actual person in mind for the fic, and there are very little actual defining characteristics so you can imagine it to be absolutely anybody you want!

This has broken me, so I apologize in case it has the same affect.

TW: This story contains mentions of cancer, allusions to death, mentions of death, sadness, angst, allusion to suicide, a character with cancer, and all round sadness about death.

If this content may trigger you in any way possible, please do not engage with this fic. Your personal safety and wellness is important so please take care of yourself, my lovies.

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17. Please do not copy, translate or share outside of the boundaries of tumblr without my permission. Please do not steal my work and market it as your own. Basically, don’t be a dick. Also, the above gif does not belong to me. Credit to @thollandgifs

Also, sorry the format is shit. I write on my phone so it’s hella bad.

Don't stay awake for too long, don't go to bed. I'll make a cup of coffee for your head. It'll get you up and going out of bed.

While his life stood still, hers moved. Most days he could barely move without the nausea taking over. His head pounding, body exhausted and weak beyond recognition. She had established a routine the minute she could. She made sure he had his morning coffee everyday. Whenever his eyes opened, she would be right by his side with his favourite beverage, bringing him breakfast and a warm, loving smile to entice him to get out of bed. She understood on days that his body fought him more than it already was - she was compassionate and considerate. On those days she would help him prop himself in a comfortable position, switch on whatever show they were watching at the time and curl up next to him with her work beside her.

His heart was often overwhelmed with the care she provided him. They were well into the fourth year of their life together, and he had no doubt in his mind that he would love her until his last days. He often solemnly thought of the ring he still had hidden in his drawer of their shared cabinet. He had made a vow to pop the question if he ever recovered, but the thought of that day never coming simply tore another piece from his already dwindling soul.

He would often sit in his chair, or on the bed in their small, studio apartment, watching her flutter around the house in a graceful way only she could. He had memorized her every move when she conducted the most mundane activity. The way she poured a glass of water, the way she tapped her fingers against her thigh to the tune of a theme song, the way she always made his coffee to pure perfection - in a way that nobody else had been able to do.

He had so much love for her, that he was terrified of it slipping away at any moment.

Yeah, I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna pass away. I been thinking of our future 'cause I'll never see those days.

He was 24, and she was 25. They had already planned a life together. They had steady jobs, an intense and passionate love, names picked out for future children, dinner at his parents house every Sunday, lunch with her parents every Wednesday.

He just knew that he had done something to deserve such a fate. At first he was angry, terrified of the possibility of his soul leaving this earth, but as time went on, his self-deprivation grew. Apparently it was common for people in his situation. The fear of dying was clouded by a justification that this was meant to be. He had done something terrible in a past life, and karma was giving him the painful ending he deserved... but he despised the thought, because Y/N didn’t deserve to watch her boyfriend meet his end in this way.

He had thought of near every scenario in his life in which he hurt somebody - cheating on his girlfriend in his first year of college, letting Y/N down time after time, only for her to forgive him. The hurt he caused his parents when he was a teenager and full of such hate for the world. But now, all he could do was pray for forgiveness. He had hope that there was some way he could make it out of this, but he was losing hope rapidly.

Even as he sat with his love on their bed, watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander.

“When I’m gone,” his voice was croaky, his throat dry and scratchy. “Please tell me you will find somebody else.” He fumbled around to grab her hand, winching as he caught her head snapping towards his in his peripheral vision. He couldn’t turn to see the expression on her face. “You’re so young, so full of life. Your life is going to be so beautiful.”

Her hand was pulled from his, and he steeled what was left of his nerves to get ready for whatever tongue lashing she had planned, but instead he felt the bed dip further beside him, her hands framing his sullen face on each side and softly turning his gaze to meet her own.

“Don’t you say things like that, Tom.” He forced his eyes to stare into her own. His eyes seemed as if they were always ready to release tears, and the intensity of the hurt in her own made his pool unconsciously. “There is no somebody else when the other half of my soul is already with me. I don’t need anybody else because you’re not going anywhere.”

Her thumb brushed away the tear that slipped from his chocolate orbs, ignoring the dark circles underneath that made his face seem further sunken than it was.

“You don’t know that,” he sniffed heavily, dropping his eyes down to his lap. His fingers unconsciously toyed with the bracelet she had given him years ago. A soft, black, faux-leather band. An unfit symbol charm dangled close to the strap, reminding him of her favourite line from her favourite book/movie - the perks of being a wallflower. He had gone wuth her when she got the titular floral piece tattooed on her forearm. She was so happy that day. “One day you’re gonna be in a nice house, a ring on your finger, watching your husband dote over your little baby and you will be at peace in the way I know you crave. I just... I know that will never be me, who slips a ring onto your hand, or waits for you at the end of the aisle. I won’t be the one who holds your hand when you meet your baby, or the one who can give you the life you deserve - the one you want.”

His eyes snapped up to meet her own when he heard her breath grow shaky, but the action caused his brain to lose its equilibrium and he had to close his eyes for a moment. He hated doing so. Every time his eyes were shut, it was a moment that he lost of memorizing every line, curve, angle of her body. He opened his eyes again when able, and he was met with her own eyes as red rimmed as his, tears streaming down her beautiful face.

“Don’t you every talk like that, Thomas Stanley. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to be the one to do all of those things because you’re going to make it and we are going to love each other until the end of our time, together. I’ll fucking Romeo and Juliet this shit if I have to,” her dark joke was met with a wet laugh from them both, before her face melted back into seriousness. “I’m never gonna need another person, Tommy. I have you, and I will have you forever.”

“You make every day a blessing, my love.” He whispered, his lips ghosting over hers as he gathered the strength in his lead arms to pull her into a hug. “You make hell feel like a summers day, and I cherish every moment I have left with you.”

My life was kinda short, but I got so many blessings. Happy you were mine, it sucks that it's all ending

Their days continued on for another three weeks, the same routine of morning coffee and testing the boundaries of his own fatigue. Three weeks without the dreaded conversation arising again, until she woke to find him staring into the ceiling with such an intense and thoughtful gaze. She knew instantly what was on his mind, and she could feel her heart breaking into more little pieces.

“Tommy?” Her melodic tone was soft, snapping him from his nightmarish reprieve. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing honey. Thinking about us... when we were young and full of life,” he snorted into the dark room, Y/N’s soft laugh pushed through her nose and he felt her smile against his neck. “Just, thinking about how sorry I am for all of this. I’m sorry that I’ve turned your life upside down, that we have changed so much.”

He felt weaker. His body was fighting to hold on, and he felt that they both knew that. He was being eaten up from the inside out, but he couldn’t bear to leave. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t leave her alone. He needed her, he loved her. He wanted to be her husband and give her everything she wanted in life. He wanted to live, for her.

“I would change everything if it meant I could be here with you,” her voice was heavy, riddled with sleep. Neither of them get much rest anymore. He is always up and down, and she frets too much to sleep through his late night jolts and retches. “You’re worth every minute of every day, Tom. You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not like you chose to have Can-“

“Don’t say it, baby, please?” He pled, silencing her before she could say the word. He hadn’t once uttered it since the day he found out. She had relayed the information to their families, holding his hand the entire time as he sat motionless. “Makes it more real than my emo ramblings.” His laugh was humorless, but he didn’t intend it to be so.

She apologised softly, snuggling closer to him. She knew how much he loved the feel of her body on his, how the intimacy of the comfort made him feel warm. Back when he could handle the weight, she would sometimes wake up curled on top of his chest because he had sought her out in his sleep.

“I would do anything for you, Tommy. I would give up everything I have just to see you smile. You’re the other half of my soul, my infinity.”

He felt a tear slip down his cheek. Her words always had that affect on him, but he loved the way she could send his heart beating with no effort. He loved her. So intensely.

“Sing to me, please?” A request he had let loose so many times before. He adored her voice, and the soft melodies that fell from her lips and lulled him to sleep.

She obliged with a smile on her face, and let the words tumble into his pale skin.

“If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I’d like to do...”

Soon you'll be alone, sorry that you have to lose me

Two more months passed. His doctors were satisfied, stating that he was slowly improving. His body was beginning to regain strength. He had begun to grow more hopeful, slowly but surely.

Until there was no chance for hope left.

Y/N made his morning coffee, but when she went to rest it on his bedside, he could barely breathe.

Her fingers dialed emergency services faster than she thought possible, her voice cracking as she sung to him over and over, hands cradling his head in her lap as he whispered his love for her.

The coffee went cold as the red and blue lights approached.

Don't stay awake for too long, don't go to bed. I'll make a cup of coffee for your head. It'll get you up and going out of bed

Tag list: @starshonerose @snookiebrookie @another-lonely-heart @mantlereid

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[hamitome--imagines]

Unwanted Conversations

* Anthony Ramos x Reader * Modern rpf * 146: I wasn’t planning on asking you, but I’ve come to realize that life is short. Will you marry me? * Requested by @doggirl212 * Request: with Anthony where he was looking at a wedding ring for his girlfriend, but he only saw the readers face for each one and he realizes he loves them.

A/N: done! I don’t really have much to add except I have horrible writer’s block and absolutely no motivation to do…anything. So, I’m apologizing for my slowness. But anyway, enjoy!

Word Count: 2,780

~~

“She is so amazing!” You friend Anthony was currently raving about some girl he’d met after a showing of Hamilton. You worked stage crew on the show and the two of you had become fast friends. The past few days he’d been going on and on about this girl he met backstage after the show. You were growing bored of it by now.

“Uh-huh?” You mumbled, uninterested. You were scrolling through you phone and sipping a coffee from Javier’s makeshift coffee shop. You were both sitting on the couch in his dressing room.

“Are you even listening?” Anthony asked. You sighed, locked you phone, placed your coffee on the table by the couch, and looked up at him.

“Not really. But that’s only because I’ve heard this a thousand times by now. This girl is super pretty and funny and amazing. You’ve told me this countless times already.” You complained.

“You wouldn’t happen to be jealous would you Y/N?” He teased. You grabbed a throw pillow from behind you on the couch and hit him in the face with it.

“Dream on.” You grumbled. Suddenly, you got hit in the face with a pillow.

“Pay back’s a bitch.” Anthony laughed. That’s how Oak walked in to find the two of you have a pillow fight with throw pillows.

“Do I want to know?” He asked.

“Y/N, started it!” Anthony blamed you like a child. It was true, but insanely childish. So you smacked the back of his head with your pillow.

“Whatever. We still have an evening show to do so I gotta go.” You said as you dropped the pillow. “You two outta start getting ready.” You advised.

“Yes ma'am.” Anthony replied with a mock salute. Eventually the musical started and you did your jobs backstage. Whenever you had some time, you’d stand off stage and watch your friends perform with their heart and soul. You liked watching Anthony. He was brilliant at this. He could perfectly portray twenty-something John Laurens, as well as nine years old Philip. He was great.

As always, after the show, you told your friends how well they did. As usual, Anthony wrapped you in a hug and spun you around. He did that after the first night on Broadway. He was excited it had gone so well and you had been the closest person to him. It became a thing between the two of you. It was a thing you enjoyed and always looked forward to. Only because it was routine. That’s all. — “Well should I bring her or not?” Anthony was asking you a few months later. He was now officially dating the same girl from months ago. Now he was pondering if he should bring her to a cast and crew party at the end of the week.

“I don’t know. Do whatever you want.” You snapped. You were so tired of having these conversations. “Look, take your girlfriend if you want. I don’t care. I have stuff to do.” With that you stood up and left the room.

“Wait. Y/N!” Anthony called. “What the hell was that about?” He muttered.

It was the day of the party. It was a party at a bar, not much else. Still, it was a time for you to hang out, the cast and crew, as a family. You looked forward to these get togethers. That was until Anthony finally showed up with his girlfriend. And he came straight over to you.

“Hey Y/N, I wanted to finally introduce you to my girlfriend. I know I talk about her a lot.” He admitted with a shrug.

“Yeah. That is definitely something you do.” You awkwardly agreed. This was not a conversation you wanted to have.

“It’s nice to meet you. You know, Anthony talks about you a lot as well. You seem so nice, I’m glad I finally get to put a face to the name I hear so often.” His girlfriend chirped happily.

“Yeah. Likewise. Look, I told Groff I had something to tell him. I gotta go.” You quickly said. You were desperate to leave this encounter. You quickly found your way to Jonathan’s side. “Hey.” You mumbled.

He looked over at you in confusion. “You ok?” He asked.

“Anthony brought his girlfriend. I don’t really want to be the third wheel all night long.” You grumbled.

Jonathan wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “Then you can hang with me!” He said happily.“I solemnly swear not to hook up with a chick tonight.” He vowed making you double over laughing.

“Or any other night I bet.” You told him.

“Eh probably not. But you know that doesn’t change the fact that I won’t tonight.” He agreed. So you stayed with Groff all night. However, you got annoyed every time you caught a glimpse of Anthony and his girlfriend. Eventually it was too much to handle and you decided to leave.

“Hey, Groff. I’m gonna head out.” You told him.

“You sure?” He asked.

“Yeah I’m fine. Just kinda tired.” You told him. As you were walking out a hand grabbed your wrist.

“Wait.” It was Anthony. “Are you leaving?”

“Uh yeah.” You answered.

“We haven’t hung out much yet tonight. You kinda hung around Groff the whole time.” He said in almost a grumble.

“Yeah sorry. Look, I’m just tired and wanna leave. I’ll see you at work though.” You told him before stepping out of the building. — “Why am I here again?” You asked from the back seat of Daveed’s car.

“Because I need a chick’s opinion.” Anthony told you from the passenger seat. Anthony had been dating his girlfriend for almost a year at this point. You still hadn’t warmed up to her. You didn’t even like being near her. Though, you always acted cordially. So much so that Anthony thought you and her were good friends.

A few days ago, Anthony asked you and Daveed for some help. Some help picking out an engagement ring. You don’t really know why you agreed to help. Yet you sat in Daveed’s car, in front of a jewelry store. You climbed from the car with them. You suppressed a groan as you walked into the store.

The bright lights, the glass cases, the stiff awkward air of any jewelry store, the sparkle everywhere. You hated it. You trailed behind the two men as they approached the ring case. You stood behind them but eventually got bored and wandered off. You came to stand in front of the necklace case, scanning and looking for any sort of distraction.

Anthony and Daveed continued staring at the rings. “See anything?” Daveed asked.

Anthony hummed, a bit discouraged. “Not really.” He let out a small chuckle. “Though, Y/N would like that one.” He said as he pointed to a ring.

Daveed looked at it but then gave Anthony a strange look. “Yeah I guess. But we’re not exactly looking for her.”

“No, of course not. I’m just saying…” He trailed off. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying. And Daveed realized that.

“What exactly are you saying Anthony?” He asked with a smirk. He turned and leaned back against the glass case and shot his friend a teasing and knowing look.

“Look, we just hang out a lot it all. I know her taste. I saw something that she would like and pointed it out. That’s all.” Anthony defended himself.

“If you say so.” Daveed said. Anthony huffed and glared at him. But then turned to see where exactly you had gone. You were bent down looking in a case of necklaces. He walked over to you.

“Something sparkly catch your eye?” He asked. You jumped in surprise, not realizing he’d walked up.

“Uh no. Just wasting time. Need my opinion on something?” You asked hesitantly.

“Nah. I didn’t really see anything too good. At least nothing she’d like.” He said with a shrug.

“Hm. Bummer.” You said absent mindedly. You had gone back to gazing into the glass case in front of you.

“Seriously? You seeing something in there?” Anthony asked once more. You only shrugged. He crouched down next to you to look at the necklaces as well. “What one?” He asked, lightly nudging you.

You, with a small smile at his playfulness, relented and pointed to a necklace. “That one. It’s pretty is all.” Anthony just hummed a noise of acknowledgement. Daveed came up between you two.

“We done here?” He asked. You and Anthony stood up straight.

“Yeah I think so.” Anthony agreed. The three of you left the store.

“We going to a different shop?” You asked. After all, there were plenty around.

“Uh nah. I don’t really feel up to it.” Anthony said.

“We went to one store.” You said in disbelief. “One store! And you’re calling it quits?”

“Look, I just…I need to look around online and stuff. I need to figure out the right kind of ring.” He stuttered to explain.

“Ok…” You answered. You caught on to his reluctance but didn’t comment. He sat in silence the whole way back to your home. — The next day of work Anthony was quiet. Too quiet. You were sat side-by-side on the couch as usual but he wasn’t saying much. Merely staring off into space. You lightly kicked him. “You ok?” You asked

That seemed to shake him from his trance. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Nothing, it’s just your quiet. Your usually gushing about your lady friend by now.” You muttered. You didn’t want him to start up talking about her again but then at least he’d seem himself.

“You don’t like her do you?” Anthony asked.

“What?” You asked back. You thought he believed you were close friends.

“I thought you did for a bit.” He did admit. “But the way you talk about her shows different.”

You shrugged. You were caught. “I guess I just don’t like her being around.” You told him. “She’s all you talk about and the only person you ever see anymore. I kinda feel like I was tossed to the side.” You sighed. You didn’t want to have this conversation either. So you stood up. “Look, I think Lin needed my help with something. I gotta go.” A blatant lie but you needed out of there. So you left the room before Anthony could stop you.

You decided you could at least find Lin and talk with him until the show needed to start. At least that way you weren’t completely lying. Plus, if Anthony came to find you, you’d be where you said you’d be. So you knocked on Lin’s door and pushed it open a crack. “Yeah?” You heard Lin say, signaling the all-clear to enter.

“Hey.” You greeted with a smile. He was lounging on a couch playing some video game, but he paused it as you came in. You lowered yourself into a chair that was opposite the couch.

“What’s up?” He questioned. He sat up and swung his legs off the couch so he could face you.

“Oh nothing, you can keep playing.” You said and waved toward the tv. “I’m just hiding.”

Lin laid back on the couch how he had been before. He held the controller but didn’t start the game yet. “From who?” He asked with a laugh.

“Anthony.”

“Why? You guys get along great.” He said in confusion.

“We just had an awkward conversation. Plus, all he talks about now is his girlfriend that he’s soooo in love with.” You complained.

“I thought he dumped her.” Lin said, eyes trained on the TV as he started his game again.

“What? No way. He went ring shopping a few days ago.” You told him.

“Yeah and a few days ago he broke up with her.” Lin countered. “I dunno, maybe the prospect of buying a ring spooked him. But he’s definitely single now.” The two of you fell into silence as Lin played his game and you watched.

You stood off to the side of the stage later as crew does during the show. You never grew tired of it and honestly, it was nice to focus on Alexander Hamilton’s shit storm of a life. His was mapped out and decided already, even set to catchy songs. Yours was confusing and uncharted. The curtain fell and everyone went to rid themselves of costumes. For the first time, Anthony avoided you as he came off stage. He walked right by and didn’t even spare you glance. He seemed like he was deep in thought.

You continued with your jobs, which was hectic at the shows opening and ending. “Hey Y/N.” You glanced up as Daveed called your name. “Anthony said he wanted to talk to you. He should be in his dressing room.” You thanked Daveed and grumbled. You didn’t want to have another awkward conversation. You’d had too many lately. Still, you took a deep breath and went to Anthony’s room.

You waltzed right in, knowing Daveed wouldn’t send you over while Anthony was still changing. “You wanted to talk to me?” You asked.

“Yeah.” Anthony smiled but it was a nervous smile. Then he sighed. “You know, my role has never bothered me before. I can go on and play Laurens and Philip and it’s fine. But it kinda jarred me tonight.” You sat down next to him as he rambled. You had no clue where this was going. “I mean, both me die so young. And I have to be the one doing the dying every night.

"Philip was 19! He had so much of his life left. He never got to meet the girl of his dreams. Never got to have a family. Because his life was short. Laurens had a wife and kids but people questioned whether they were really in love or if was merely security. I can’t decided which would be worse honestly. Dying before you meet the one you love, or living your short life with someone you don’t.”

You put your hand over Anthony’s. He was rambling and it was worrying you. “Hey. You need to take a deep breath. What’s got you so worked up?” You asked and squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Doing the show tonight I realized something. I also realized something a few days ago. Well, I wasn’t planning on asking you, but I’ve come to realize that life is short. Will you marry me?” He slid from his spot on the couch next to you and onto one knee. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. Inside was a ring that matched the necklace you had liked.

“Anthony-I-wait-what?” You stuttered. You were not expecting this. Anthony closed the box and came to sit next to you once more.

“At the store, looking at rings I realized something. I was looking for something my ex would’ve liked but everything I looked at, I was wondering if you’d like it. I could find rings you’d like or hate but couldn’t even focus on my ex. It was weird. And I realized that was because I liked you so much. I knew you perfectly because I liked you.”

“Anthony, we aren’t even dating.” You reasoned.

“And if you want to, we totally can. I mean, if you’d go out with me that is. But I felt like I could ask because we’ve been friends for a long time.” He slowly started leaning in closer. “We know each other. And I know you well enough to know that I am completely in love with you.” With that you surged forward and captured his lips with yours. He pulled you forward so you were straddling his lap and he kissed you soundly.

Of course you had hated his girlfriend. You were jealous. You hated that she was with him and not you but you couldn’t figure out why. It felt like she took something from you, and in a way she did. She took your best friend and the man you loved. You just didn’t realize you loved him yet. You had been friends with Anthony for so long that your attraction slowly grew without you realizing it. But a guys proposing and professing his love can make you realize a thing or two.

Anthony pulled back and rested his forehead against yours. You were both panting, breathless from the kiss. “So? Y/N, will you marry me?” He asked.

You smiled and pretended to be thinking it over. “Usually guys buy me dinner before they propose. But what the hell? Yes, Anthony. Absolutely yes.”