#i seriously need to get tested for autism since it runs in my family and my sister said that this isnt normal for allistic people

[theaterkidlament]

my rtc brainrot has gotten so bad that when i see a cat i immediately think of ricky potts

[pjunicornart]

So I went to the hospital.

Throwing up a content warning for general medical stuff, anxiety, depression, and mentions of self harm stuff. This is an important update, but I'll still put it all under a cut in case you don't want to hear about it.

Last night I had my first full blown panic attack. I've had anxiety attacks before, but I've never experienced the heavy arms, numb lips, and loopiness. I called one of my best friends and they described me as sounding drunk. Now, I didn't know it was a panic attack because I've never experienced one before, so I was worried something was very wrong.

I called 911 and they took me to the hospital. While there, they ordered a couple of tests (EKG, blood tests, and urine sample). It was also there when I realized I was having my first migraine. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to get used to having migraines, because it runs in my mom's side of the family.

Because I was there, I mentioned my mental health in depth because what brought me in was a stress related panic attack. I told them about my want to self harm again. That prompted them to set up a meeting with their social service worker.

So after hours of waiting and getting pain and nausea meds pumped into me via IV, the social service lady finally talked to me. Here's a brief of what we talked about: - My depression and anxiety has been going on since I was twelve, and I've suspected I've had autism for a while now. - I was in therapy for only two months when I was sixteen or seventeen, but then my dad and step-mom cancelled all of it without me knowing, and they never gave a reason as to why. - I was a very angry child. I would hit, push, shove, kick, and sometimes bite other peers. Do I regret it now? Absolutely. - I don't like eating, and I hate food. I eat to live, not live to eat. - Whenever I'm stressed out, I scratch myself. - I have suicidal idealization.

When it came time for my mom to come back into the room so the social service lady can relay the information, it seemed like she was finally ready to take me seriously. Beforehand, she would only brush me off and tell me the equivalent of, "Stop being dramatic." But perhaps me needed to be hospitalized for my mental health issues was finally enough for her to realize that I need serious help.

So, yeah. That's what happened last night. Now because I live in America (unfortunately), I'm stuck with a huge medical bill. I was gonna wait for this, but I might need to open my Patreon now. Because I can't pay a bill like that.

I'm also gonna be taking a little break from drawing and writing for a little bit. Maybe that panic attack was telling me to stop pushing myself too hard.

[e-felle-books]

May the Best Man Win by ZR Ellor

This is NOT a serious book review.

SPOILER WARNING

TRIGGER AND CONTENT WARNING FOR THE BOOK: Homophobia, transphobia, alluded deadnaming and schoolyard violence

Happy Pride Month bitches! For my first dumb little book review I've decided on 'May the Best Man Win' by ZR Ellor as I just finished it recently.

Synopsis: Jeremy Harkiss, a gay trans man signs up to run for Homecoming King, however his ex-boyfriend, Lukas Rivers is also in the running. Both with their own personal goals, their rivalry becomes a hot mess as they do anything to win.

"Review": This book was a trip, both main characters are dicks that you slowly learn to sympathise with as each chapter switches perspectives between Jeremy and Lukas. They will throw their friends under the bus just to win fucking Homecoming King, which I don't get as an Aussie because we don't have that here. They explain how winning Homecoming King is important to them but it seriously doesn't make their actions any better, they're messy bitches who clearly still love each other and I'm all for lovers to enemies back to lovers.

Reading Jeremy's chapters were uncomfortable as fuck as I too am a gay trans man with similar insecurities, but that also made his chapters more engaging for me. He wants to be seen as a real man, but also struggles with the idea of losing his identity as a trans man, and wants to end high school on a bang to make everyone forget he ever was a woman. We also find out he dumped Lukas on the day of Lukas' brothers' funeral by dumping a milkshake on him in front of their friends at a diner because Lukas said something that triggered his dysphoria, but being fair on Lukas he didn't know Jeremy was trans at the time but it was the final straw before Jeremy came out and began his transition.

Lukas has his own reasoning for winning Homecoming King, as he's tired of living in his dead brothers' shadow, especially given how his brother was a major dick to him. Lukas was also diagnosed with autism from an early age which made him feel insecure about his academic abilities. For Lukas, winning Homecoming King would solve everything, from his family falling apart to him getting into a good university. I also relate to this somewhat as someone who has struggled academically, especially as an adult, who is on a waiting list to get tested for autism.

Oh the drama of them pushing the other away while also clearly pining for each other, as well as destroying their own friendships just to be crowned Homecoming King. These two had a lot of shit they needed to deal with, which thankfully they do to some extent, I'm also disappointed that at the end, we only get Jeremy's perspective for the epilogue, would have loved to hear about where Lukas was going with his life, especially regarding university since that was such a big part of his story that just gets dropped at the end. I also found it cool that not only do we get gay, transmasc, bi and autism rep in this book, but the character, Sol, is Latinx and non-binary and is a major part of the story and Jeremy's homecoming campaign.

Make of this review as you will, if this sounds like it interests you I recommend it as I certainly had fun reading it.

[dt-canim]

Oh boy, this is gonna be a long one haha. This is a bit of an unusual post, but Tumblr, I need some assistance.

Ok so I've always have known about autism and stuff like it but it wasn't until about a year ago that I started looking into neurodivergency more. If you're wondering, it was brought about by my favorite Ducktales episode (season 3 episode 6: Astro Boyd) airing for the first time and I saw people talking about its autistic/neurodivergent themes.

Since then, I’ve been picking up some of my tendencies and it got me wondering. I never remember getting tested for this stuff so this is just based on my experiences and research. So for educational purposes, I'm gonna put some of the traits I do and see if any neurodivergent ppl relate lol

The first thing I want to touch upon is something plenty of us are probably familiar with: stimming. My experiences include;

Excitedly hitting a book I'm reading because of a cool call back, a really funny joke, or simply something badass happening (this just happened to me other day lol)

Flailing my arms and/or legs when something similar (to the point above) happens in a movie or tv show I enjoy

“Vibing” with my best friend includes: waving my arms and head around, bobbing up and down like I am an idle video game character, and/or just generally moving in place for a solid minute or two

The next thing I will mention: Hyperfixations

If you have seen my Tumblr, profile, or simply paid attention to the beginning of this post, you may not be surprised that I hyperfixate with my favorite show, possibly ever, Ducktales. I got emotional last year when I heard it was ending and legitimately cried at the end of the last episode. I mean watching those final credits still makes my heart hurt. (And I know I'm terrible at posting but I will never truly leave the Dt fandom)

Sometimes it happens rather quickly. For instance, I went to the mall with my friend last Saturday and impulsively bought a book called The Extraordinaries. I finished it in 3 days and I swear if I don't go back to that Barnes & Noble and get my hands on the sequel soon I will do crimes.

When I find things to hyperfixate about it is all I want to talk about with people for a while. But then I feel bad when they don't share my interests because I don't just want people to listen to me babble my head off all the time about stuff they don't care about.

Something I found out recently, losing track of time apparently can be a neurodivergent trait.

So yeah I've done this a lot. Overall, I just have terrible time management skills. I'm not great at putting things down on a timeline and it makes me anxious when I do so.

Also, since going into homeschooling about 5 years ago, I constantly lose track of time. Most of the time, I only know what day and time it is because I have a calendar next to my bed and a phone around me at all times. (off-topic but it annoys me that I used the word time so often here)

Prioritizing tasks, knowing how to start things, and just overall getting shiz done..???

I have. So many. Sketches I want to finish. But I keep going to a new one cause woop I just got a new idea must do it now right?! (Seriously though, I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much art lately)

I have a comic I want to start developing but I have no idea how on earth I should do that. And sometimes things seem obvious, like get the outlines for your story, get main plot points down, PUT YOUR DAM IDEAS YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEAD DOWN SOMEWHERE ANYWHERE. But nooo I'll just sit here and keep starting new sketches of my main characters. That'll get you a product you'll be happy with.

Sometimes I will just sit there thinking ok I'm sitting here but I have work I need to get done and I am running out of time to do it and it is stressing me out right now but I can't move I can't do it but I need to because it needs to get done and I am running out of time but it is stressful. Rinse and repeat for at least a half-hour, maybe take a nap lol.

This point is the fact that even though I never got tested I know I have maladaptive daydreaming which has a link to Adhd and neurodivergency in general.

For those who don't know what that is, I will try to explain. Yes, it is daydreaming but it's more than that. (you know what? I'm just gonna put the traits I found off of a site and add my feelings toward it lol)

extremely vivid daydreams with their own characters, settings, plots, and other detailed, story-like features

daydreams triggered by real-life events (mostly media I consume in my case)

difficulty completing everyday tasks (kinda like the stress-sitting I mentioned earlier just with daydreaming mixed in)

difficulty sleeping at night (at the time of making this point is it currently 3 am, though I am aware I'm up rn because of this post, it is usually because of the daydreaming)

an overwhelming desire to continue daydreaming (ok that's just...accurate)

performing repetitive movements while daydreaming (typically I walk around my house like a ping pong ball)

making facial expressions while daydreaming (idk I usually mouth what my character are saying or replicate the face their making)

whispering and talking while daydreaming (^^)

daydreaming for lengthy periods

The last thing I will mention for now is my family cause many sources say that this stuff is commonly genetic soooooooo

My mother has been diagnosed with dyslexia since she was a kid.

We've suspected that my brother has Adhd. To put it in perspective I will paraphrase something that his 2nd-grade teacher once said. “He moves around so much I want to just strap him to a chair sometimes but I am afraid to do it cause I think he'll explode”

I have more I could potentially talk about but I don't want to make this too long. I just want to know if anyone relates to this. So here take this mess of me hahahaaaaaaaa

[jellybeanforest-a-go-go]

Okay, so, I just saw this post about how shelter-in-place/quarantine measures for the coronavirus are test runs for authoritarian dictatorship because it punishes people who step outside their homes, suspends freedom of assembly (for social distancing purposes), promotes censorship of the internet (to combat misinformation), and paves the way for mandatory vaccination/medical treatment programs. They also define the quarantine as “extrajudicial, indefinite detention,” and the classification of activities as essential or nonessential as the very definition of totalitarianism. I saw this post, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart:

WTF, guys.

Seriously, WTF.

Look, maybe you feel better thinking that someone has control of this situation enough that this entire pandemic was orchestrated to herd in the sheeple or whatnot, but I promise you, the people who want this to be over as soon as possible are also the people in charge. If they didn’t, then they wouldn’t say they are okay with some of us dying if it meant everyone got back to work and the economy got back on track, then having to backtrack because saying that they are okay with millions dying so they can make a few bucks makes them look bad.

Because I don’t know how to tell you this, but you should care about other people. Social distancing works; shelter-in-place works, but in order for this to work, everyone has to do it so they can stop spreading this damn thing. And if we don’t do this now, significantly more people are going to die. All these people having parties and purposely breaking quarantine rules are not rebels, they are plague-enthusiasts. I mean, come on. Have a little perspective. Is the ability to go out and have a drink at a bar worth someone’s life? I think it’s pretty clear that if the rich and influential could order us all back to work, damn the consequences for the working class, then they would do it, because the pandemic has exposed a lot of societal problems they would rather have us stay complacent to, especially in the US. Namely:

(1) The true essential workers, the backbone of the economy, are first responders, service industry people (like grocery store workers, delivery people, plumbers, electricians, cleaners, etc), and people who produce food and essential products (like farmers and factory workers), not C-level executives. The true essential workers are needed and powerful and should definitely be paid more. 

(2) Everyone should be entitled to Paid Sick Leave.

(3) The importance of Universal Healthcare. Maybe it’s not so great to have healthcare benefits attached so strongly to employment, especially in times like this where the health of every individual is important to the health of the community as a whole. And while we’re on it, why are so many essential workers not given health insurance? If they get sick because of their job, shouldn’t it stand to reason that they should be covered? 

(4) And on that note, Universal Basic Income is not such a bad idea. If everyone had a base income, maybe we wouldn’t have so many people on the verge of homelessness worried about how they are going to pay rent or mortgage or buy food when they can’t work. I mean, evictions are suspended for now, but for people who owe back rent... even when this is over, how are they going to pay 2-5 months of back rent when they just got their jobs back? And that one-time $1200 stimulus the government promised a while back? That’s not going to cover the necessities for several months of stay-in-place. All this creates a restless populace, and when you have a large segment of the population that is hungry, angry, and hopeless... that never goes well for the ruling class.

(5) Misinformation is deadly. I thought we learned this four years ago and many times since then with all the anti-vax fear-based propaganda that keeps causing localized outbreaks of diseases like measles and whooping cough that should have been eradicated by vaccination. You aren’t special or smarter than everyone else by believing in conspiracy theories and not getting vaccinated. You are leaving you and your family permanently vulnerable to disease that could disable or kill you and others. You think that the people that propagate this anti-vax nonsense don’t have skin in the game? That they aren’t making money from their bogus essential oil cures, “natural” detoxes, or (even worse) fake autism “treatments” like MMS that injure and/or traumatize autistic children? If so, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.

Anyways, this virus is not a conspiracy by the powers-that-be because it works against their interests, and they all desperately want to convince us to go out there and risk exposure and death so their bottom line doesn’t suffer. They would love it if people thought this was some kind of authoritarian test-run or some other bullshit because it makes the average Joe underestimate the pandemic and want to go back to work, revitalize the economy, make them some money, and stop asking questions about the glaring issues with late-stage capitalism this pandemic has brought to light. And if some of us have to die to accomplish this, then so what?

Stop playing into their narrative.

[exhale-bs]

I’ve got an interview today!

So quick recap:

I love my current job but... it’s really wearing on me and on my family. I’ve been averaging around 110 hours per pay period, my schedule is ridiculously unpredictable and I’ve hit burnout. My current job is essentially two parts. The first is direct care and running the house: hiring and firing, scheduling, inspections, maintenance and working shifts when needed. I’ve been short staffed since around September and extremely short staffed since December. Consequently, I’ve been working at the house a lot. I come in at 7 am, which since I live an hour away means I’m getting up around 5 am, and leaving anywhere between 7- 10:45 pm. Then driving an hour home only to get right back up and do it again. A lot of previous injuries have enjoyed popping up to say hello again, which adds to it. The second part of my job is at the office and more clinical, writing plans, scheduling appointments, tracking health and goals etc. that side isn’t as bad EXCEPT , one, my predecessor was at least a year behind on everything so I’ve been playing catch up this whole time as well. And I never got training on any of it. I’ve been fumbling my way through it and not getting any feedback. Now you may say that can be interpreted in doing it right, but I still don’t really KNOW if I am, which for me adds a great deal of stress. So that, on top of my insane hours is stress enough. The two most common things I hear at work are “you inherited a mess!” And “you’re not quitting are you?” The fact they ask that as much as they do leads me to believe that they expect anyone else would have already quit by now. If that’s not enough there is home life. I feel like total shit about the fact my wife is holding everything down at home. She has enough stress of her own without having to have all the home stuff dumped on her to handle. My son has had an increase in some behaviors and is showing signs that the way things are at home is not compatible with his autism. There is drama surrounding my daughter and whenever I make it home before she goes to bed she meets me before I can even make it in the door and just hugs me so tight for a good 3-5 minutes straight. It’s just all not sustainable at all. So about a month and a half ago I turned in a resignation for April. I told them if things got better I’d retract the resignation, but me not being someone that leaves things to change sent my resume out to a few places to test the waters. And I got a bite..... a BIG one. The first job I applied to when I graduated college. The one I’ve applied to for 4 years, totaling 6 times now, the last time being at the same time I applied to my current job. It’s essentially the same job I have now, but is only the clinical side, pays $8,000 more a year and is about half the commute. At the same time, things have started getting better at work; they’ve taken my resignation seriously and are making changes. I just feel bad because I feel like the damage has already been done. I don’t really know what to do and am going to have to think about it a lot and talk with heather about it. I don’t doubt I’ll get an offer from this interview, I just don’t know what I’ll decide to do with it.

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Rants - December 11

Hey, so I’m just gonna rant here for a little because I actually (for the first time in a while) reached my dino breaking point. Looks like that dino breaking point clock will have to be restarted!

If you didn’t know, I’m not the best at hiding emotions like anger, and I’m kind of like Bakugou when I get really riled up. I will start shouting a little, yelling a lot, occasional curse word if I’m really upset, and I feel the strong urge to resort to physical ways of getting my anger out whether it’s through harming myself, things around me, or others (even though the urge is dire, I never hurt the people around me in any severe manner).

But what happened today to make me reach my breaking point?

Well, it started before today. My sister has been tormenting me as usual. To put it into fewer words, she believes that she’s the voice of reason that no one listens to (her words, not mine). She likes to toot her horn, and she is always right. When she got a boyfriend (now ex) that was equally as annoying, I figured they were meant to be together even if it meant a bitter breakup because she deserved what she put out. She has told me flat-out that she doesn’t respect me and that I’m a piece of shit. She ain’t lying, but she’s one too. For years, she would make my life more difficult than it needed to be. She made fun of my mental illness and blamed it on me, she blamed my school situation on me, she believes/believed I have autism or am retarded (meaning mental retardation) somehow. She still makes fun of my psychological test results because yeah, I’m not normal. I’ve known that for a while. 

I have to interact and live with her on a daily basis, and she makes her presence known. She tells me I should be able to “trust her” like some sort of “onee-chan”. My brother (who is far more passive) used to be her accomplice in things. She has made grown ladies cry even as a kid. I used to cry when she smiled. That’s how scared I was of her. I can’t say I’m over that fear. I’m just trying to learn how to cope with it.

Today, we were visiting my close family friend who just delivered her third daughter. She didn’t tell me the plan, and there was some miscommunication. She pushed me out the door with my phone (aka my life support when out of the house) on 1%. I ran trying to get my stuff, tripped up the stairs, and just tried my best while she kept pestering me. My bucket started to fill from there. *drip*

Once we got there after a really long ride (I don’t live in the main city. I live in a suburb), everything was going normally. She would give me a nasty look if I said anything out of line, and I’ll be honest, it’s because I’m terrible with kids. This baby was a red sack of flesh, and I almost made some really insensitive remarks (”why do they have a microwave and toaster in the baby photography room? is it to put the baby in?”, etc.)

But on the way back from the photography session, I commented, “Both [the baby] and I will be on liquid diets at the end of the week.” My sister started scaring me with all the wisdom teeth surgery details which I have been avoiding because it provokes major anxiety. I told her to stop because she was panicking me, but she kept going until my mom eventually told her it was making me uncomfortable. She gave me a disgusted look, and I cracked and said, “You’re sitting a perfect height for my foot to directly kick your head.” I said that out loud with other people in the room. She got even more defensive and asked, “What’s wrong with you?” (that’s a phrase I have a difficult time with because there is so much wrong with me) *drip drip drip drip*

It didn’t stop there. Once we got into the car, she started going on about how I’m such a “softie”. She started using that term after using harsher ones to portray my sensitivity to my illness and anxiety. She said I made fun of her when she got hers done. Let me say this though, she’s six years older than me, and when she got hers done, I was still in elementary school. I didn’t even understand the procedure. She gave me a lecture about how I shouldn’t laugh if I can’t take it and how I’m soooo sensitive. 

When she left for her appointment, I told my mom how uncomfortable and angry she was making me. My mom said that her calling me a “softie” isn’t an insult. That just got me even more upset. *drip drip drip drip drip*

By the time my sister came back, I didn’t even want to go to lunch anymore. She was giving me so much stress that I was done then and there. But she wanted to eat, so I decided to go to a separate restaurant. My mom decided to go along with me since I’m a “fragile softie”. I voiced my anger even more throughout the lunch. I was getting really upset with how she was treating me. 

On the way back, she slept which gave me peace of mind for a little bit.

The rest of the story carries on into the late evening. I thought I was finally out of the woods. It was nearly 11pm (maybe around 22:40) which is when I usually eat then go to sleep. An unexpected guest arrived at the door. It was another family friend, and my mom and dad proceeded to have a very loud conversation while I was in the other room waiting for them to be done so I could take my medication and sleep. I can’t do it while they’re there because it is also very anxiety provoking. I waited over an hour before it was nearly midnight, and through all that time, I listened to my dad make some extremely sexist comments. He kept “joking” (as I’ve now been told) that “his [newlywed] wife should cook and clean for him” and how “she needs to take care of the house.” This made me really uncomfortable. After around 20 minutes, I spoke up and said for him to tone down on the sexism. He said, “Don’t listen to [Dino], [they] don’t know when to stop flapping their darn lips.” He always puts down everyone when he’s talking. It’s shameful. He tells my mom, “Go get this.” “Make [the guest] some coffee.” It’s like she’s a maid. She’s gotten used to it, but I’m sitting in the other room trying not to explode.

Eventually, he left. I was glad. But then my sister came and joined me for my last snack. She brought up she was going to be having friends over winter break. She said it would possibly occur over once a week, with over 15 guests each, that they would take up the main floor, and that I should make myself scarce. Quite frankly, she is an uncompromising person. I am too, but I asked why she would want so many people over at once and whether we can just cap it at 10. She refused and said that her conditions were set and that we are both members of the house. I was getting increasingly irritated as she said that she has been “socially deprived” because of her work and how she was going to make this happen. She told me that I’m not good at hiding my emotions and that I’m always looking like I don’t want them there. And again, I don’t! I don’t want them in my house, and some of them are really annoying! She started to call and comment on things that were uncalled for, and my mom tried running away. That’s when I snapped. I started yelling at my mom for leaving, I followed upstairs. I said that I would make sure her friends were not welcome. I said that she was to put them in the basement which is a separate floor in itself. My mom still tried to avoid which made me even more upset. I started yelling even more. My dad (who was on the toilet taking a shit with the door open) was there too. That’s when I went ballistic on him too. He was visually treating me like a headache, and I just kept going on his old-fashioned views. When I get mad, I don’t stop until I’m done, and I don’t finish for a while. I stormed back to my room, closed the door, locked the door, told them they couldn’t borrow Penny, and then I wrote this. 

Seriously, I’m darn fed up with this family. I’m done with my mom avoiding conflict and my dad and sister making fun of me, my mental illnesses, and my life situation. They’re the two strongest believers that I’m living my life wrong and that I’m weak. No, if I was weak, I would’ve been dead this time two years ago. 

Tagging @lizardnebula specifically to read this because you know my family best out of any of my followers.

@bungou-stray-alies-tales-of-aly and @akaskira , if you wouldn’t mind putting up with my rant. ^^; [sorry for the tag]

[secretgiftsforshaman]

I wrote 2826 entire words before I collapsed last night

I have been seriously struggling this academic quarter. And I seriously struggled last academic quarter. As I did in undergrad, and in high school, junior high, and elementary. But I do not have any learning disabilities. And you have some idea of how smart I am in general, but I’ll share one specific example about just how very academically intelligent I am. On the SAT, I scored 700 in reading, 730 in writing, and 780 in math and I did not study for it. I spent most of the test bored and waiting for the allotted time to run out because I finished nearly every section way early. Early enough that at one point I had enough time to leisurely leave and use the restroom and came back before everyone else had finished. The only reason I did not score a perfect 800 in math because I missed *exactly* one question. I can still remember and visualize exactly which one it was – and only I missed it because it was the second to last one of the last math section and my brain read the word ‘diameter’ and was tired enough that my brain went ‘oh cool, radius’ even though I could have easily solved that problem when I was 11 or 12 (if you haven’t already gone “wow, she’s got some serious perfectionism issues” then now would be a good time for you to do so).

All of this to say: it has never been a question of not being able to understand the content. Very, very rarely in my entire scholastic lifetime have I ever not understood what was being taught to me. It is – and always has been – a matter of not being able to sit down and do the work.

One of the rubs of being so smart (especially when also socially inept – I don’t think I’ve ever had a formal diagnosis, but I would be astonished to learn if I wasn’t somewhere on the autism spectrum) is that your sense of self-worth is all too easily conflated with your intelligence and academic performance, placing massive pressure on yourself to be good at school, ‘cause that’s one of the few things I was reliably good at. 

Most of my school-age bullies, particularly the loudest ones, were just as smart as I was: all enrolled in the same accelerated classes, but they didn’t struggle the way I did, and they definitely saw it, and made sure I knew they did. They could all do their homework and turn things in on time, but I just couldn’t sit down and do even the simplest assignments sometimes – let alone the big projects and reports, not without crippling deadline pressure. My parents and teachers also tended to view the situation as if there was some kind of issue with me, too: that I was lazy/disorganized/not ‘applying myself’/needed discipline and punishment and then I’d be fine – alllll of that unhelpful bullshit.

Nobody thought that I wasn’t smart enough, though. Clearly, I was always great on tests: sit me down and ask me what I know and if there’s a definitive correct answer then odds are good that I knew what it was, so I excelled in math and science, and I took great comfort from knowing what I was doing and working familiar problems over and over. But having to go find sources for research and report on something or answer essay style questions – anything subjective or humanities-ish – was my kryptonite. I couldn’t ever say “this is enough information, this is complete and I’m done now” – once I started searching I’d drown in all of the information available and not be able to pull myself out with just enough to get the job done. I would become paralyzed simply by the thought of needing to sit down and do schoolwork, so I’d avoid it and distract myself with reading or anything else BUT schoolwork. And if I ever fell behind (which ALWAYS happened because that’s what happens when your avoidant coping is your default), then it was like pouring anti-napalm on everything: I’d be even more frozen and unable to function, like cold terrified acid licking through my veins. I have been a student most of my life – 21 and a half years to date – and the entire fucking time I’ve been limping along like this, always hoping at the start of each new term that This Time, somehow, I could Just Do It Already The Way I Should Be Able To, but over and over that optimism has crumbled to ashes in that undying flame of fear, paralysis, self-disgust, and despair.

I am able, now, to identify and name what I have suffered from my entire life, the condition that I was made to carry so much crippling SHAME for, that I learned to hide almost completely from all of my loved ones for over a decade so nobody would see that shame and decide to think less of me.

I have anxiety and complex PTSD. 

Where one ends and the other begins isn’t worth the effort of trying to tease them apart. The DSM-5 is an imperfect tool and no diagnosis is a uniform monolith – anxiety, PTSD, depression, and every other name of every other illness is merely a professional shorthand for “all/most of these symptoms are present.” It makes much more sense to treat my anxiety and PTSD as a single condition. Moreover, I have a strong suspicion that my endocrine disorder, PCOS, was triggered by the chronic stress/elevated cortisol and insulin (because one of the most socially acceptable ways for our nervous systems to regulate and soothe themselves when under stress is with food), and if it isn’t completely just part of the same thing, then it’s LARGELY overlapping with the anxiety/PTSD (I know that my mother and grandmother suffered in a very similar way in school, and I know that the PCOS is tied to inherited/ancestral trauma, so it makes every kind of sense if the anxiety/PTSD that we all have is related as well). 

I have had a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis on my chart for years, and I’ve known, in my rational brain, that I’ve needed to get it under control to feel better and function in school (and to be honest, with almost all other professional/adulting things too). But thinking about what I need and actually DOING something about it are such utterly different things. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have been able to admit to myself that I need real, professional help to overcome this condition – and to ask for and start receiving that help. There is a big culture in my family, especially us women, about ignoring our own issues and focusing on helping other people first (I know I must have written to you about this before), so this has been a massive step for me. 

For a while I’ve been struggling to stay on top of my classes, and have fallen behind in all four of them, and the feeling of being overwhelmed has only increased exponentially. I’ve wanted, desperately, to go to an emotional ER so many times the past month, so much so that I found myself wanting (and knowing on a deep level that my body needs) some kind of pharmaceutical support to get me through the fucking day and allow me to do some of the massive, teetering pile of backlogged work. Upon hearing about my experiences of paralysis and dysfunction, and scoring very high on the anxiety diagnosis questionnaire she used, my doc, who rarely reaches for her Rx pad off the bat, suggested putting me on Clonidine (non-addictive, originally developed for hypertension) especially after my double-checked at-home blood pressure reading was 154/80 (which is consistent with STAGE 2 HYPERTENSION in an otherwise healthy and young TWENTY-NINE YEAR OLD for fucks sake)(insert emojis denoting ABJECT PANIC here).

I am comforted by the fact that my doctor, who I’ve seen since I was a tweenager, has shifted in the past few years to specialize in treating addiction and substance dependency, so if there’s anybody who I can trust to medicate me without causing a chemical dependence it’s her (thank GODDESS). Dr. M agrees with my perspective that the meds are just a temporary measure to alleviate my symptoms enough to function, and that the true treatment is the therapy work that I’ve been trying to do for myself, but there’s only so much you can do all by your lonesome, no matter how many self-help books you read (and goodness knows I’ve read a TON).

So I also finally started seeing a therapist (!), and just admitting some of this out loud to another person has been so profoundly healing. Our second session was this past Wednesday, and I was able to start opening up and telling her that I think my anxiety traces back to ancestral trauma and how I feel called to use a bottom-up, somatic approach (hence my recent interest in shamanism, ritual, soul retrieval, transpersonal psychology, etc., which she’s totally accepting of; again, THANK GODDESS).

One of the many many many self-help books that I’ve had my nose in is “The Instinct to Heal: Curing Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy” by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD (which I started reading like a day before I finally admitted that I needed to take drugs and do talk therapy *laughing at myself emoji here*). Servan-Schreiber beautifully articulated the relationship between our neocortex: the newly, highly developed, outer portions of the brain where our logic, reason, cognition, and consciousness arise from, and our limbic system: the older, more primitive inner section of our brains that controls our unconscious, autonomic physiological processes (like breathing, digestion, heart rate, etc.), trauma, instinct, intuition, and emotion, and is therefore far more deeply and intensely connected to the body (and bodily held memories) than the neocortex. 

I’ve been running around in my rational, conscious, neocortex mind *thinking* about all of my issues and traumas and everything for ages, and I understand so much about these things on that rational level – but that is miles away from the irrational, unconscious, limbic bodymind where all of those traumas actually ARE and continue to play out over and over as if they’re still happening. This is something that my therapist helped me understand – our neocortex understands that this is a different time and the thing that happened in the past is over and done and we’re safe now, but the limbic system has no sense of time. In our irrational reptile brains, everything still exists the same as it did all those years ago as if it never stopped happening. THIS is where our inner wounded child lives, where a soul fragment likely fled from for safety in the midst of the unendurable whatever-it-was that precipitated the trauma response, and where the empty spot is where it needs to be called back to still resides, open and waiting and longing. 

THIS is why I’ve felt called towards the irrational, mystical, shamanic modes of healing: I’ve done as much as I can with my rational mind, which cannot be used to solve an irrational problem or heal an irrational wound, which is what all trauma is. A couple of weeks ago, when I asked you for your help as a shaman with conducting a soul retrieval, this is the kind of work that I was starting to realize that I need to do. The crazy Thing That I Did that I told you about (and meant to describe for you more at the time but I was exhausted and desperately needed the rest instead) was a small and beautiful spontaneous retrieval of a part of me when I was seven, a part that was thirteen, and a part of me as a young infant that I brought to my own breast in recognition that I was both deserving of my own love, nourishment, and care, and capable of being a loving, heart-centered parent to myself. I felt all of the past, younger versions of me that I’ve already been gathered in concentric circles within me, and all of the older versions of me that I’ve not yet been spiraling around me, and my ancestors and guides and spirits and all of the love and kindness that anyone has ever directed towards me gathered around all of me like a compassionate embrace, and I think that it was that experience that gave me just enough of my soul back, just enough juice and magic that I could start digging my teeth in and taking the steps I needed to take to seek treatment and get my legs back underneath me.

As amazing and beautiful as that experience was, it wasn’t everything that I need in order to heal. I want to do a soul retrieval/healing ritual to unfreeze the part of me (and the part of my mother, grandmother, and other ancestors) that is stuck in that root trauma – where the anxiety, complex PTSD, PCOS - where all of that junk stems from. I don’t yet have much sense at all what that’s gonna look like, but I know that it’s gonna be the biggest damn spell I’ve ever cast, and that I don’t think I can cast it alone. Watch this space.

I do think, though, that preparing for that is the thing to do for now, by accumulating small things on multiple fronts – growing my strength, calling back small parts of me, telling more and more loved ones about my truth, chipping away at the stack of things to do, continuing with meds and therapy, contacting my professors and possibly the department/program admin (with a letter from Dr. M in hand documenting my diagnosis and treatment) to let them know that I need help I’m figuring out how to make up for assignments that I haven’t turned in and make sure that I can continue next quarter and not get kicked out of the program. I’m still carrying a lot of fear of failure/expulsion around this (and anxiety = paralysis = inaction for me, even though I desperately want to fix it) – especially after handling myself so badly in a similar situation at the end of last quarter. When you’ve got a minute, I’d appreciate a pep talk about broaching the subject with them.

All in all, I’m doing well and things are looking up in a way I’ve NEEDED them to start looking up for literal decades. I’ve even been able to start telling my mother about how badly I’ve been doing (she knows I’ve seen my doctor and started therapy and meds) and allowing her to see that pain and struggle after years of hiding it from her out of shame has been scary but such a relief. But Goddess Knows I’ve got A LOT to do still. Just cause I’ve finally struck a match and can navigate a little better doesn’t mean I’m out of the dungeon yet.

I began the meds just yesterday, and I’ve spent the day decompressing (never been a better time for me to have a few days all to myself kitten-sitting for some friends while they go to a tiny, COVID-regulation compliant thanksgiving visit with their family in Portland). Drowsiness is a listed side effect of Clonidine, and I was really worried that my prescribed dose was too high after being soooooo tired yesterday and today after I took the pills, but my increasing suspicion is that I’ve just been so high-strung and hypervigilant (hello super premature hypertension!) that the anti-anxiety/BP-lowering drug just uncovered the chronic e x h a u s t I o n that was already (always) there, rather than them making me drowsy when I wasn’t. So I’ve spent the day eating my friend’s leftovers (she’s an AMAZING cook) and cat napping with the two sweetest little troublemakers you ever did see (I’ll send pics!). 

I think that FINALLY being able to relax like this was what helped me to begin to be receptive and start opening up (and connecting with you!) again. Anxiety = I clam up, my libido nosedives, and my pelvic tightness/vaginal armoring gets painful and rigid – all bad prospects for wild, sexy, blooming Love-Lust-and-Light fun. I was so glad to reconnect with you – and that you reminded me that I need to get this out and I can process it and heal it by sharing it with you – that our Sacred Space is still there for me to use and pour my pain and magic and consciousness out into.

I think that’s all the most important developments. I’m excited to hear all about all of your new developments, processing, perspectives too. 

And now I’m gonna go to bed. One nap today was NOT enough to recover from  goddess-knows-how-long-I’ve-had-this chronic fatigue. I’ll talk to you soon

I love you, Άδης

Your Εκάτε <3

[chubunny]

I've been suspicious that I have autism for a couple years but never took it seriously because I don't act out like kids you see on tv or in movies. I just read yesterday that autism in girls is usually hidden very well so I started heavily researching it yesterday. I took an Aspie Quiz which almost 100% confirmed that I have it or am somewhere on the spectrum. I feel calm about it but I'm scared. What do I do?

I know how bad it sounds that I took a test to confirm my autism suspicions but this is a 150 question test that psychiatrists use. It’s not like a buzzfeed quiz or something

Same anon: if I had it it would make my whole life make sense

I didn’t like or reblog your post about answering messages once you have a laptop because I want to remain an anon. I’m scared of what my friends and family might think, I’m not upset with you. Just today a friend of mine who had never EVER said anything offensive to me in the time that I’ve known them called autistic people “stupid” today. I’m so so scared.

First and foremost: I just want to say that I believe you when you say you are autistic. I wish someone had said that to me when I was going through the journey of questioning myself. I want you to know that I believe you and that it’s okay to call yourself autistic. It seems like you did a lot of research, but even if you discover it was something else later on, it’s still okay. You aren’t hurting anyone by finding comfort in the label. If it isn’t autism, it’s likely something with similar symptoms. 

I also want you to know that your experience is valid.  I was in a similar spot as you and so many autistic people have been in the same situation. It’s normal to feel scared, but just remember that you aren’t alone. I feel like when you’re autistic, you figure out very early on that something about you is different. I just didn’t know what. I was misdiagnosed with selective mutism and developmental delay as a child, but those things didn’t really encompass all of my symptoms or what I was going through.

I considered the possibility of Autism, but I was like you in that I didn’t fit the version of an autistic person that you see on TV or in advertisements for organizations like Autism Speaks. I had a friend who was officially diagnosed and we had a lot of similarities, but I wasn’t 100% like her. My mom talked with her mother about the possibility of me being autistic, but she said “Your daughter isn’t like my child” and so I just assumed I was making it up in my head.

Later on, I started coming across Autism recourse blogs and blogs run by people who were actually autistic (and not just parents or organizations claiming to speak for us). Through them, I started to learn that Autism was actually a spectrum and that everyone on this spectrum had different abilities and present their symptoms differently. I met a lot of autistic people and they were all different, but a lot of them were just like me!

As for what you should do - that depends entirely on you and your situation. I think first and foremost, you should surround yourself with other autistic people and the autistic community (either online or in person). Other autistic people were the biggest help to me in coming to terms with being autistic. They made me feel valid and loved and like I wasn’t alone.I also think it would be wise to drop all friends who have anything negative to say about autistic people. Unfortunately, there are many people out there who preach love and acceptance, but then turn around and spit in the face of disabled/neurodivergent people. These aren’t the kind of people you need in your life. You could certainly try talking to this friend and explaining to them why their words are harmful, but most people like that already have their minds made up about us. It’s not always worth the fight, so please don’t be afraid of letting go if you need to. You deserve friends who love and accept you for your autism.You could also take the time to learn about autism from other people who have it. It seems like you’re already a bit familiar with it and how it affects you, but there’s always something new to learn esp since everyone experiences it differently. I still find myself learning new things. One of the most empowering things I’ve learned is that there are words to describe the things we experience. If it wasn’t for the autistic community, I would have never had the words to describe things like sensory overload, shutdowns, stimming, executive dysfunction, autistic burnout, etc. I would have been left feeling confused and misunderstood.I recommend this channel for anyone wanting to learn about their autism or the words that might describe their experiences.I know that this is a lot to take in and so I’ll try to wrap this up. On one final note: I know the possibility of others judging you can be scary, but keep in mind you don’t have to come out as autistic to someone if it makes you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. Coming out as autistic is very similar to coming out as gay for me in that it’s a very person decision. There are a lot of pros and cons to consider, but ultimately it’s up to you. I hope this was helpful and I hope you were able to get something out of it. Let me know if you have any questions or just need to talk. 💖

[lawsoncrafts]

(Im only reposting since this image was found on a different site but I'm gonna rant here so that I won't get retaliation from certain relatives etc.) As the time grows near, I'm seeing a lot of people "gearing up" to support autistic people and I feel that this needs to be said, or at least I need to get this off my chest in a healthy way so I don't explode when I start seeing those damn puzzle pieces everywhere. personally speaking, I know how hard it is to be autistic (overstimulation, social weirdness, heightened senses that leads to MORE overstimulation, etc etc etc) but here's the thing, I've learned to live with it. I can function despite these things because I was born with it and I have a great support system AND I know how to cope in a healthy way. But a great number of us aren't as lucky. I was diagnosed when I was in 6th grade. that's 11 years of me nor anyone else knowing why I was struggling in a society that is almost exclusively built for neurotypical, able bodied people. During those 11 years, I was pushed along through the education system and labeled as a "lost cause" due to my inability to function to their satisfaction in a classroom filled with 30-35 LOUD/active students despite my test scores being the highest in my grade. When my test scores came out, I was accused of cheating time and time again and I had to retake my exams time and time again (I always scored higher the second time) because I was obviously "too stupid/lazy" to actually be a good student. During the entirety of those 11 years, I was bullied by my peers and even some of my teachers to the point that I wanted to kill myself. My family thought I was crazy, my peers thought I was crazy, my teachers thought I was a problem child that they didn't want to deal with. This is the reality that many autistic people face for their entire LIVES. I would have never been diagnosed if my mother hadn't screamed at everyone in my school district to test me for half a year. The system sweeps us under the rug CONSTANTLY. They call us ADD/ADHD or simply "troubled" and feed us magic pills that make us sick. Then when the lucky few of us that actually get diagnosed we are labeled as "defective" or, as autism speaks believes, "diseased" people that need to be cured. Their reasoning being that people weren't commonly diagnosed with autism back in the "good ol days" therefore we are apparently facing an epidemic. We are put in special classes under good intentions but they can't protect us from the bullying we face in the hallways when we are seen going to and from the classrooms. We undergo intense behavior modification, not for our own sakes per say but so that we can fit in with "normal society" without major issues (do we don't annoy neurotypical people). We have to stick to ourselves at lunch because if we sit anywhere near "normal people" that table is now the table where the kids from the "retard class" sit and it becomes a cruel game. And I'm not saying that everyone is cruel like this, it's actually quite contrary, most people above a certain age actually coddle us, like we are broken, like life has dealt us a bad hand. We are given "easier" coursework in our classes because we "can't keep up." we are pointed to in public spaces by mothers who want to show their children that they need to be especially considerate of the "special needs" class of society. People run marathons "for our benefit" but they don't actually know or care where the money is going. yet they look to the nearest visually identifiable autistic person and say "you're welcome" with their eyes. People even record themselves as they do very basic things like asking us to a dance and expect a trophy because they are so kind. because we are so otherwise undatable. And if any of us or our loved ones say anything about how absolutely condescending their "charitable efforts" are, they/we are shamed for "biting the hand that feeds us." Those of us who are more easily identified at first glance are called "severe" while those who aren't are called "high functioning. If you are "severe" you are undesirable and will have a hell of a time getting a job or even having a conversation with someone who takes you seriously. If you are "high functioning" you must be faking it for attention and obviously don't need any accommodation for your most basic of needs and you will be getting no sympathy when we break down in public from this lack of basic accommodation. We are asked "how autistic are you?" like autism is like a cancer that can me measured in stages. Some parents from older generations refuse to acknowledge their kid's autism because of the "there is nothing wrong with MY kid!" mentality, "when they often times are autistic themselves and were just never diagnosed. They hold their kids back and force them into a life of struggle because autism is shameful to them. Then in contrast, diagnosed kids get to watch their caring relatives train for marathons and write checks to autism speaks several times a year and they can't do or say anything to stop them because their relatives are either "too old to change or understand" or they just won't take them seriously. Keeping your mouth shut and your head down is a necessary skill for autistic kids because of this. I can go on all day. Autistic people make up a HUGE percentage of the people who have made the greatest contributions to humanity. From actors to artists and scientists and more. We have done everything from split and atom to creating the most well known pieces of art and architecture in history. Yet organizations like autism speaks decide that we need to be cured. the say that if we aren't like the rest of society, then we are broken and can't live a full life. We stand by as our parents are shamed for "causing our autism" by doing whatever-the-hell-mainstream-media-says-causes-it-this-time when we we literally born with it and it's been proven to be passed on through genetics. Then to make matters worse, organizations like autism speaks take advantage of people's ignorance and the ablest stigmas forced upon us for their own profit and funnel money to studies like the "shank 23" study which advocates literally lobotomizing children to "cure social awkwardness." We see this happening. We see thousands of people annually marching for "the cure" and we see a world that would rather us be wiped from existence than bother to understand us and live with us. Our greatest problem is not our autism, (I actually view it as one of my greatest strengths.) Our greatest obstacle in life has always been and will always be the ablest society that we live in and the ignorance that people have elected to maintain.