#i scheduled an appt and when i was there i didn't even get the full story out before she was like

[detectivebambam]

you remind me of andrew. which i suppose means we'll have to watch musicals together

- @you-know-i-get-itt

ty so much

my fav is Oklahoma

[thenexusofsouls]

PSA: Hiatus until 3/5

{i am the caretaker of souls} So sorry guys, but the upshot is that I've decided I need a little hiatus from my usual rp schedule because my anxiety is a bit overwhelming at present. Details below the cut for those who would like to know, but basically I'm going to be on hiatus until at least 3/4, for both anxiety reasons and grading responsibilities, and after an appt I have on Mon I'll know whether that needs to be extended further or not.

I'm sorry to do this when everyone was expecting replies tonight, but I need to do some self-care here, because I'm feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. I love you all, this isn't anything anybody did, and I will come back, I just need to take some time for myself. I will be back to my normal schedule once things have calmed down. Thank you for understanding. Hopefully things resolve themselves sooner rather than later. Keep your fingers crossed!

Okay, so... I've decided to take a short hiatus until I know what's going on with the surgery I'm going to be having. I vastly underestimated the amount of anxiety I would feel regarding even just the consultation appt, which is Mon (3/4). It's not that I don't want to write the muses/threads I have here, it's just that some require more creativity and/or focus than I have right now. I need to feel relaxed, happy, creative, and/or at least be able to concentrate and focus to write a lot of my muses, and lately that's been in short supply for me.

I felt anxiety creep in yesterday and thought I was just having a moment, but no, it seems like I'll be this wigged out until Mon. I hope to have a surgery date after the appt. Until then, I know the surgery and recovery will disrupt my life, my job, my diet, my mobility, etc. but I can't prepare for that disruption until I know when it's happening, and that's driving me crazy. I also have an evaluation for this promotion I'm applying for that's supposed to be done this month, but the university won't tell me when it's occurring or what it even entails. So not being able to plan for and around these important events is causing almost more anxiety than the events themselves, heh.

I realized tonight, as I've been sitting here trying to force myself to write and instead I stress-played Minecraft for four hours straight, that I've been adding to my own stress by worrying about upsetting you all, feeling that I let everyone down by not writing a lot, or by feeling pressured to write when I really didn't feel like it. It's gotten out of hand, and I need to take some time to just be with myself, feel the anxiety, and process it so I can let it go.

Right now, the muses on @tarnishedxknight are coming very easily to me, as they have been for a couple months now. *shrugs* I honestly don't know why those muses are coming through loud and clear, but they've been cutting through the anxiety fog when not many others are. Even at that, I'm not writing as much for them as I usually do. Nevertheless, I'll leave that blog open during the hiatus, and I may do some things here and there as time and anxiety allow. Even under stress, I need some writing to do. ;) But it'll be very much when and if I'm able.

Other than that, I'm going to be on hiatus from my usual rp schedule until at least Tues (3/5). I have grading to do Mon and Tues anyway, and tonight and tomorrow night I'll try to calm down and then see how this appt goes on Mon. If I get a surgery date or any better idea of when things will happen, then I'll know if I need to continue the hiatus beyond that or not, either because of surgery/evaluation scheduling or just due to anxiety.

I feel like once these two honking balls of stress (the surgery and the evaluation for my promotion) are done and out of the way, I'm going to feel a huge sense of relief and I'll be back here full force again, heh. I'm optimistic that that's what will happen. I just need you all to be a little bit patient until then.

Love you guys, be back soon I hope! ❤

[mephestopheles]

I have an example of "do it scared". A really good one.

I was terrified of the dentist. Legitimately, full panic attack, trembling, required Ativan to get through even a simple check up kind of scared. I "did it scared" and forced myself through a bunch of shit that didn't work and made the fear worse in my early twenties, and then this was compounded by my gallbladder fucking up and undoing all of the work I'd forced myself to go through.

Fast forward to 2012/2013, a very kind coworker friend gave me the name of the dentist her husband went to because he also had a crippling fear of the dentist. This dentist seemed to understand that and worked with folks to help.

See the first time I did it scared, I did not have a lot of support. Like I had my parents who understood to an extent, my dad I think more than my mom, and yeah they were in my corner. But they were also more worried about the complications that not taking care of my teeth would lead too. I was also going to an expensive and kind of shitty dentist. Who did not help or support, or even understand my fear. It was "use Ativan or we can try nitrous to knock you out".

When I went to the new dentist, my first appointment was x-rays, and a conversation. No cleaning, no fixing, just a conversation of what my mouth was like and how we could fix it and support my fear. He created a full plan that he said we could do in as little as a year or as long as I needed given my fear. He made sure to increase the freezing he used and he set up a plan to remove several teeth under anesthesia so I wouldn't have to be aware of that.

I did some of his plan, panicked then went back a year later and a new dentist had taken over his caseload. This dentist is the one I still have and he is legitimately amazing. I went from requiring meds to even get near the place to just making appts without even thinking about it.

It took a while. It took splitting appts up and doing things slowly and fixing what could be fixed. It also took him understanding that I was scared but wanted to get this done and knowing how to take some of the fear out of his side of the job, by explaining things, slowing down, and listening to me.

In 2018, I finally got my partial, and in 2022, I got my top two teeth crowned. By far the worst experience for dental stuff was the crowns because there was gum ablation and a lot of pain and a multi week appointment schedule to get it all done.

But I did it.

In the middle of all of this, I was able to start properly brushing my teeth again, and now go for cleanings twice a year and am cavity free. I'm 43, in my mid twenties my teeth were so bad I was routinely on antibiotics and was battling gingivitis, and still couldn't bring myself to go to the dentist. In my thirties I did the work, and I did it scared.

But each time I went back, the fear was less, the anxiety was better, until one day I went to a cleaning and mentioned a line on a tooth that looked bad but is just a small line from the composite that stains easily. I had it buffed out without freezing.

Doing it scared works. Take your time, rest after words. Validate your fear and your survival, and then celebrate it. It retrains your brain to focus on the win and not the fear.

You can do this.

“Do it scared” but please realize that, if you Do It Scared too much and don’t let yourself rest + relax + have fun in between, you will fuck yourself up. If you “do it scared” all day every day, you will burn out badly and quickly. Sometimes this is temporarily necessary but please keep this in mind.

[nathank77]

5/9/24

8:06 p.m Edited/Added to

So Erin canceled on me again..... she offered tomorrow but I have things to do. I can fit it in but I woke up at 3:30 for her to cancel on me and I had awful sleep last night.

I closed my eyes for over 2 hours and accomplished nothing...the first hour I was on Hydroxyzine 25mg and half a mg of xanax. And I know factually I did not sleep.

Then I opened my eyes and took a Benadryl 25mg. Closed my eyes at 7:39 a.m and next thing I knew it was like 9 a.m... I don't think I slept cause I didn't dream and that's my only give away except when hours ago by.. all I know is my eyes were closed for a very long time...

I popped another Hydroxyzine 25mg.. and slept until 3:30 p.m and I could have fallen back to sleep if I peeded and took another Benadryl but I woke up to make it to my 4:30 appt that Erin canceled last minute....

So today has just been awesome. I called an attorney and idk if they'll take my case but they might. I await them responding and the DHP got my Kristen report per the tracking number.

Bo4 is going awfully... and I'm pissed caused I only get two weeks of fun out of a 14 week rotation. I'm actually about to play something else bc I'm clearly wasting my time.

I'm miserable. Okcupid is okstupid... I'm fucking alone.

I really needed therapy.. but I mean tomorrow I was going to return shitty shoe soles that i replaced for my adidas and the hdcp bypasser that doesn't work... and pick up a chicken so I can stay in the house Saturday and Sunday. As well as pick up some perscriptions from cvs.. I probably won't bother with therapy tomorrow.

I'm on her schedule for today every week. Why can't she just honor that, I could have gotten a full night of sleep if I knew she was going to cancel.

Why doesn't anyone talk to me? Why am I so alone? Why is everything so shitty? Why can't I play bo4 when I'm trying just as hard as I do any other day?

Sunday I lose the bo4 day to mothers day bc it's, "easier" earlier in the day. Less sweaty people play and there are more lobbies. Beyond that I didn't go see my grandmother today.

Oh yea and I'm still hallucinating! Yay!

I'm also going to message someone on mother's day and worry she will block me but idk if shes here and it's important to me to say happy mother's day to her.

Beyond that, I have heart palpitations all the time. And sometimes chest pain now...Scheduling this mri is impossible idk how I'm supposed to get it done by the 28th and I have to wait for my cardiologist appt for over so month. I'm sick of taking care of myself for nothing.

I'm not joking I looked at settlement amounts and like people win millions and I don't even care.... nothing will give me my silence back. Nothing will give me my quality of life back.

I also don't have it in me to be rejected by 5000 therapists to replace Erin... so I may just see Mike once a week maybe twice if he can fit me in... and I'd rather see a female two days a week but I can't handle reaching out to 500 different therapists outing myself and being discriminated against.

[foster-the-world]

No more curls

Warning: This is a lot of words about my son's haircut. Feel free to skip. It helped me to get my words out.

I had to take the girls to their activity so my husband took my son to get his hair trimmed. This was after I noticed he needed a haircut, found the barber and made the appt to fit my husbands schedule. He had them chop off all of his curls. I know it's absurd but I was really sad. I loved his curls. My husband has heard me say at least 500 times I love his curls. This is his third hair trim so he knows what it looks like afterwards. He was mad that I was mad. We fought. It was partially about the curls but of course in marriages its always the underlying things. How did he not know that i'd be annoyed? Does he not listen to me at all? He never ever would notice any of the kids need haircuts, or new clothes, or their face washed before they leave the house, or baths, or lotion every day because they have eczema. Let alone do the research to find the barber, find the lotion that works, etc, etc. In six years of having children he hasn't bought a single outfit. I've spent hundreds of hours on the internet figuring out how to care for black hair. We are white parents to black children - we cannot have them looking dirty/unkept when they leave the house. That is both of our responsibility.

It also adds another thing to the list of things I can't ask my husband to help me with. It doesn't help that I went to our rental home and found ten late payment noticed in our mailbox. It was for three bills that are overdue and we got several notices for each. One of which was our electricity bill on the rental house. It was ten days from being turned off. Rentals account for roughly 40% of our income. It's the only reason we can get by while I'm in school. We cannot afford for the lights to go out on a renter. Not that we didn't have the money to pay. He just doesn't organize himself to pay things on time. To him, it's not a big deal. You pay the late fee and move on. Not that we can afford late fees. Countless time we've talked about how paying bills on time and being financially responsible is important to me. I can't take over everything he does wrong. I already do much more than my fair share. I pay all of our city bills. He's supposed to handle the Upstate bills. The money comes from joint account.

Luckily, we communicate pretty well. So once we cooled down/put the kids to bed we had a decent conversation. I'm tired of being the competent one. He's tired of feeling afraid that I'm going to be mad that he's doing things wrong. I can understand his feelings and he can understand mine but we don't know how to get past it. He does want to do more but can't seem to handle more. But I don't want to get stuck with it because I'm competent. I'm exhausted. He's exhausted. Some things require money which we are short on these days. I know it's all relative and we are lucky to have all we do. If I wasn't in school we could hire out some of the things I take care of. Some of the things are hopefully related to this stage of life with young kids. We are both overwhelmed. A full time job for him, nursing school for me, a rental home to manage, three young children, foster care stuff. Again, I know some people do much more and have many more children but it still feels like a lot to us.

Anyway, call me superficial but I'm still bummed about his hair. The perfect curls may grow back but I'm not sure. I think his curl pattern may change as he gets older. In which case it would have changed anyway but the baby curls would have lasted for a long while. My husband said he didn't know that. Of course, he doesn't know that because he hasn't spent endless amount of time learning about black hair. Of course, baby boy is still very cute. He has a perfect face. He remains perfect. The older ladies at daycare were also not impressed. They understand my sadness - which made me feel better. They didn't even want me to get him a trim.

[morimyth]

So. Putting this mf on blast outside of tags bc Red Flags Galore.

In our interview to schedule a dental extraction, he openly admitted to losing my panoptic xray, the most important xray, when all six files were sent to him at once. He also kept trying to push me to get More xrays, even after the DA next to me said "we can send them again". He continued with the "oh well I'll put this down anyway just in case-" and I had to cut him off with the "No You Will Not", bc we sent those, and you should keep and use the ones we sent, stop poaching me for more imaging money.

He then Proved he went digging into my personal files without a release, by confirming on camera my Anxiety and Depression diagnoses. I deflected and asked why that was relevant, and I straight up gave him the "are you fkn insane" look, bc I know damn well my dental office doesn't have access to my MH, any MH records that exist in the ether are more than 10y old and inaccurate at best, and this guy would have had to Dig Deep to find it. Yikes.

He also was blissfully unaware of the existence of my dental facility, asked me Where I Was, and when I told him the name of the facility he's like "whats that?" So I went full sarcasm and told him it was a circus. He did not like this.

Following the video call, I received a text from an automatic service Declaring I had an appointment set for 9am, 48h from my previous consultation appt. In call, he asked me "why not just come up in person?" I openly said that any scheduling needs to be with some time to account for travel expenses, which he fully ignored.

Trying to interact with this abysmal autotext service, I found out there was No option for negotiation, just a Y/N that either confirmed the appt or canceled it entirely. The help options led to dead sites and phone lines that don't work. The text service was a pay per text nightmare.

This part is conjecture, but this man wanted to Confirm all of my vulnerabilities, before triggering them (purposefully), getting me into a vulnerable position In Office ASAP, doesn't have a working contact number, and start to finish, played complete incompetence like I wasn't going to see that shit and fucking run.

So I called my dentists office the next day, and had them schedule me for the specialist I was originally referred to by my DMD, and thankfully the office was amicable and put that in motion for me. I did not have to do any extra work, and my office was actually really understanding about it when I voiced my concerns.

Flash forward to today, where he CALLED ME FROM A BLOCKED NUMBER to ask if I still wanted to come in. I didn't confirm my name, but I did specify that I'd gone with another specialist for my treatment. I did not let him sadboi me into anything, bc he started in with "oh I lost more of this, and I'm not sure how this works uwu can I still get an appt?" Bitch no you can't still have an appointment, and if you spoke to my dentists office in any real capacity, instead of calling me directly on my private number, you would have figured that out.

I looked this mf up, and Dr. Levi Miller is actually a failed private practitioner from Washington state with a slew of one star reviews online. Coupling that with the straight up Predatory Stalker vibes, if he contacts me again, I may just get a restraining order, bc FUCKING YIKES.

UR Medicine made a Huge Mistake hiring this one.

If I can't talk to a human, I'm not going.

[night-dragon937]

okay this has become so normal for me that i need a reality check to see if it's actually normal (regarding sleep, sleep habits, and sleepiness)

right, i just almost fell asleep again as i hit enter. my body/brain desperately wants me to take another nap, even tho I've already taken at least three and I'm at work. i didn't get much sleep last night, but even when i get a full night of sleep i feel the same.

it's weird, because it doesn't matter if i get 2 hours of sleep, 7 hours of sleep, or 14 hours of sleep, i still feel tired and sleepy all day. however i can never sleep very much or very well at night, I'm always too awake. i will spend all day at work with my body forcing me to take naps, struggle through my afternoon to stay awake, then get in bed early and suddenly I'm wide awake and i want to be productive.

i am falling asleep at work every single day and it really sucks. I'm lucky we're in the slow season right now, so I'm not missing much, but busy season is right around the corner and how am i supposed to do my job when my body keeps forcing me to take naps?

on weekends i keep accidentally staying up all night then sleeping during the day which means i get a good amount of sleep! but that fucks me up for the weekdays.

it's also weird, because while I've always had insomnia, i used to be worse at sleeping during the day. like, lights, noise, movement, etc would all prevent me from falling asleep. but i started noticing about a year ago that i can now fall asleep in public spaces, in cars (which i never used to be able to do), at work, while driving, during sports games where everyone around me is yelling and screaming, etc

so idk what's changed in the past year but it kinda sucks, especially considering the amount of car accidents I've nearly been into. i will just fall asleep talking to people and i feel really bad about it

not to mention my fucked up sleep schedule. when I'm not working and have no other commitments, my sleep schedule always falls back into the same pattern (as I've noticed over the past year), of being awake for 18-26 hours, sleeping for 3-5, awake for 18-26, sleeping for 12-16, awake for 4-6, sleeping for 12-16 and repeat

which. I've never heard of anyone with even a similar sleep schedule. not to mention it makes working a normal job impossible. I've just gotten used to being constantly tired and falling asleep but i feel like this isn't normal. oop almost fell asleep again. i do have a doctor's appt for July, which was the soonest they could get me in. however that's a long ways off and I'm quite miserable

[emveepea]

So some major changes happened at my workplace over the past week. Our shift schedules all changed, and as a result, I transferred from the night shift to the morning shift bc I wouldn't be able to physically handle staying late into the evening. So I've just survived my first week with the new schedule and there are some pros but also cons.

The pros:

I'm handling the really early start time well I think considering my bedtime moved up from 9am to 3am. I'm incredibly exhausted on the drive home but my commute is actually way better compared to before. And I see my husband during the day and can actually have a conversation with him before I pass out around 7pm!

The cons are:

I really miss my old team. We worked incredibly well together. We looked out for each other and worked so hard to make things easier and smoother all around. They care so much about the work we do and what it means. And they were goofball nerds like me. They're my people <3

So I'm a little let down coming to a shift where only half the people care and carry their weight on the team, and one of those people is our interm supervisor who can't work with the team as directly as they'd like bc of the added new responsibilities. As a result, the work is sloppy, and I'm finding I have to watch everyone like a hawk and work behind them to make sure things are done correctly without seeming like an anal attention seeking asshole. I can't really fault the one trainee tho bc they do pick up on things super fast and it's to be expected they'll forget something when there's a lot of little details we have to remember to do and document. They have a similar background to me actually and it's refreshing talking to them about science, so I'm trying to be as positive and encouraging as possible.

The other half of the team is either apathetic or actively trying to not do work or do it well to the point where they can blame the rest of us and throw us under the bus to make themselves look better.

On top of having to watch my back now and work behind everyone to see we're doing everything correctly, I have a minor injury that's plaguing me. I slammed my hand into a table last Thursday, and it didn't hurt at all until two days later. It didn't start swelling until yesterday. I don't know exactly what's wrong, and I'm hoping it either clears up on its own or it at least doesn't get worse until I can see my doctor at my appt next week. But I can't straighten out my middle finger without dull pain, and I don't have my full grip strength, so it makes tightening, pulling, or lifting things with that hand harder.

So overall, I'm still conflicted and honestly kind of numb about how to feel about all these changes and challenges. Like, it feels sort of surreal. Some things I was nervous about didn't happen: I thought everyone in this new shift wouldn't like me or would be rude about the other shifts, especially my old shift, "not pulling their weight." Each shift has different but extra responsibilities like completing and checking certain cleaning and maintenance logs or checking and restocking inventory, and if one shift doesn't get it done, it gets passed on to the next shift. That mentality isn't there, but I wasn't expecting there to be this weird competitive mentality amongst each other, especially from one specific person who keeps loudly talking about unionizing but then does shit so they can blame everyone else. I just don't understand why they do the things they do when it doesn't reflect well on them and the team as a whole and just makes things harder for themselves.

At least with this schedule I can still see and talk with my old team before I head home, which is a breath of fresh air honestly. I've been brutally honest with them about how the new shift is and how I've been actively job searching still, but I'd hate to go and feel like I'm leaving them behind. They've also been honest about looking for other jobs, so at least I know they'll be okay even if I don't get to see them anymore.

I want to give myself about a month to see if this will work out. Ironically, the company wants to see how things look a month from now to see if they need to "course correct" and make further changes, like moving back to the previous schedule. But doing that won't bring back people who've already left and are scheduled to leave soon. And it won't keep me from quitting if things get worse and I can't handle this anymore.

I was hoping that shouting this out into the void of Tumblr would help me work through how complex and overwhelming these changes have been, but I still feel the same. I just hope things don't get worse, but only time will tell.

[myatuesday]

I went to the Dr yesterday. The oncologist, specifically. Let's keep it very fn specific.

It was horrible.

Maybe I didn't realize it at the time.

I was bombarded with so much fucking information.

It was like a 2 hour appt.

-

Basically (not that this is news, but it's much more real when we aren't just talking about it anymore. When appts are being made and shit and I'm being asked to make decisions, like, now) they're pushing for a hysterectomy.

They finally said the word Cancer out loud (my other Dr wouldn't say it. She'd dance around it. Everything she said said Cancer. Without her having to say it. But it's been said, now. Finally.)

They're all like... yeah... we get you want children, but that's really fn unlikely.

But she did schedule me to see an reproductive endocrinologist. Whatever the fuck that is. Idk.

The nurse said "fertility clinic". So... idk if insurance will even pay for that.

I start talking to mom about GoFundMe - originally HER idea - she's immediately dismissive.

Nobody cares.

NOBODY CARES

My mom's behavior or lack thereof, idk

Was the opposite of helpful. Of course. As always. To say the least.

Johnny... I got like maybe a text?

Not even a phone call.

I'm not surprised.

He knew about the appt.

He hasn't given a fuck about me this entire fucking time. So

Then gd SC.

I ask him.

Any fucking way we do it

Oh, idk, we've only been dating for 4+ years. You told me on our first fucking date you were buying a house and goddamn wanted to get married and have kids.

4 fucking years later...

You're not ready?!

I can go fuck myself.

So WHAT EXACTLY was the point of the last 4 years OF MY FUCKING LIFE?!?!?!?!?!

Then I pitch just getting me pregnant. No rights or responsibilities. Just shoot your load. Thank you. The end.

He said no to that too. An even harder no.

I mean, it's a no period.

It's just a double down.

Basically the ol

"I don't want to be a Dad, but I sure as fuck don't NOT want to be a Dad."

Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot

What The Actual Fuck asshole?!

So idk.

To avoid setting his fucking body on fire and ripping out his insides...

I guess I'm going to fucking disappear.

Idk what I'm doing.

Maybe kill myself?

Idk. Eventually.

If not now, I mean...

If I don't have a baby, I am going to kill myself.

Period. Full stop.

I knew this. I've known this.

But here we are.

-

And SC is kindof my only sure thing.

That obviously isn't a sure thing.

So...

FUCK IF I FUCKING KNOW

-

But I don't have TIME for this

And nobody gives a fuck

I don't even mean nobody is willing to throw me some fucking sperm

I mean nobody gives a fuck that THIS is my situation

AT THE FUCK ALL

Goddamn nobody.

-

So what's the fucking point?

-

I deactivated all my social media

Nobody has a way to get ahold of me.

I DO NOT EXIST.

-

I'm waiting for mom to grab the rest of my fucking meds.

Then I guess I'm fucking gone.

Idk where I think I'm going

Or wtf I think I'm doing

Dying, I guess.

Waiting to fucking die.

I don't have any fucking money at this point

This goddamn Cancer diagnosis and all this fucking waiting waiting waiting

On nothing, for nothing

Took everything

AND IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING

Just like every goddamn second with that fucking ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT

ALL OF THIS WAS FOR NOTHING

-

My money is gone.

I have nothing to show for it.

4 years of my life down the drain.

All for a "I'm not ready" and a fucking doubled down hard "no".

-

Yeah.

I'd say I'm ready to jump off a fucking cliff now.

I can't just make sperm fucking materialize.

Everybody that wants a baby has a fucking baby. And not the fuck with me, so...

Who even gives a fuck?

LITERALLY

FUCKING

NOBODY.

[gaybellethorn]

.

[only-some-spoons]

Ok so about this. I want to talk a minute about the danger of being used to pain and therefore avoiding the doctor because "this is normal and fine"

•Sunday night I woke up in pain several times and this increased through Monday. Because it was abdominal pain my assumption was a flare of UC which could very likely resolve in a couple days

•Tuesday the pain is getting worse and more concentrated. When my husband came home we had an argument about going to the doctor now vs making an appt. He didn't like that I tend to wait until things are very bad.

•He took me to the ER at 8pm Tues. At this point I'm still sure this is a flare. Around 10:30 when the good drugs have kicked in I even had the moment of "maybe I'm faking for attention" because, ya know, internalised ableism and all that and had to remind myself "You're not in pain because you're literally on Dilaudid". Anyway they did a CT and found my appendix was inflamed but not perforated, this was at an out-of-network hospital because it was the closest ER so now it was time to try and find me a bed in a hospital network that matched our insurance. At 1pm Wednesday, 17 hours after I entered the ER, I was transferred to the children's hospital as that was the only one with an available bed -all other hospitals being overrun with covid. They put me as an add-on to their surgical schedule which meant I had no real scheduled surgery they would just fit me in where they had the extra time which happened to be around 9 Thursday morning.

•By the time they opened me up my appendix had burst and was "very gangrenous and full of pus". Further complications involved in NG tube for 2 days and a total of 1 week in the hospital. Today everything is healing the way it should be I am back home I am very sore I am very very tired.

Had I ignored my pain, or delayed any longer, thinking it was normal and that it would go away on its own I very well could have died or caused many more extreme complications from a ruptured appendix. Which is likely what I would have done if I lived alone, pretty sure my husband saved my life by forcing me to go to the doctor when I thought "no this is fine, this is normal, I have pain everyday sometimes it's worse sometimes it's less". Anyway lesson is if you have extreme pain even if you're sure what the cause is even if you're sure it will go away quickly on its own maybe go get it checked out because turns out you're not always right.

I feel shitty, oh so shitty,

I feel shitty real shitty,

and dead,

I feel shitty, far too shitty,

to be clever and also,

I'M DEAAAAD

[nathank77]

4/1/24

2:18 a.m Updated/Edited/Added to

So I struggled to fall asleep last night. I took my half at 5 a.m and I still wasn't asleep by like 7:23 a.m so I ended up taking a Benadryl bc I had my eyes closed for over 30 minutes and I just didn't fall asleep. This is two nights in a row I had to mix Benadryl in to fall asleep well sorta. Last night I absolutely did.

The night before that, I snored myself awake. I tried to fall back to sleep and I ended up taking a Benadryl. I haven't touched hydroxyzine though either night. I had to use Benadryl half way through the night when I woke up like 3-4 hours later.

I'm worried the half is losing effectiveness. Yet I started Coq10 the day I snored myself awake.. I did technically fall asleep without the Benadryl but Coq10 can cause insomnia. I don't really think it is...

That night I snored myself awake I was stressed about going to Katie. Last night I really wasn't stressed as I absolved myself from it by writing it out and remembering my true intentions.

Another consideration is I've been on methimazole every other day for at least a week now. My resting heart rate was around 85. Now it's 64... idk... all i know is my appetite is picking up and I'm using the bathroom a little bit more.

I'm still getting cold... idk if I'm normal or going hyper. I won't find out until the 16th. I got to monitor my heart rate and I have more metoprolol, my doctor perscribed me 50mg instead of 100 of succinate incase I go back to hyper... so that could be throwing me off.

Idk what normal feels like. I know what hyper does. And I don't think I'm very hyper if I am. I kinda know what hypo feels like. I was def falling asleep faster when I was hypo...

So all of this can be playing a role. I hate that my thyroid is an experiment right now.. I'm glad I scheduled it for the 16th instead of the 23rd.

I am worried about tepezza still. It can cause autophony, tinnitus and significant hearing loss.

I did a full std panel as it's been over a year since Katie. Everything came back negative. I mean the lot. I got tested for even hepatitis all of them. Syphilis. Hiv. Etc.

Although tbh I have herpes simplex 1. Aka I've had a cold sore before. I've had like 4-6 throughout my life. She did the blood test for herpes 1 and 2... my herpes 1 came back as equivocal. Meaning neither the absence or presence. And my herpes simplex 2 came back positive in the low index category at a 1.6....

I've never had symptoms... the problem with this test is it's got a 1 in 2 chance of being a false positive. Aka 1 in 2 people will have a false positive.

As it only picks up the herpes virus and doesn't distinguish between hsv1 or hsv2.

I forgot to mention to my doctor I have had cold sores... it's factual I have hsv1...

I'm not concerned, as the false positive rate between 1.10 and 3.0 is very high. If I was over 3 it's has a 90% accuracy rate. Under 3 especially under 2 and closer to 1, it's very inaccurate.

I got a 1.6, 1 in 2 tests are a false positive. They discorage doctors from doing the test for a reason unless the person has symptoms and I never have.

The issue with this test is in order to be certain they have to order an inhibitor test to inhibit hsv2.. and if that comes back positive you have asymptomatic hsv2.

Incase Elise is reading this I want this out in the open. I do not have hsv2. I'm going to ask for the inhibitor test in May for my next appt to keep it on the down low, I don't want the office staff thinking I have genital herpes.

If i knew how inaccurate it was I wouldn't have done it. Basically the test only looks for the herpes virus and can't distinguish between hsv1 or hsv2.

Getting equivocal on hsv1... and knowing I've had cold sores is an almost guarantee the hsv1 test didn't pick it up bc it was an inadequate sample. While the hsv2 picked it up bc it can't distinguish between the two.

My lab results say it very well can be a false positive and I need the inhibitor test to confirm as my index is low...

Tbh I'm not anxious about it at all. I know bc it can't distinguish between the two, it picked up that I infact do have the herpes virus but it's hsv1 aka cold sores. Mouth herpes. I'm not anxious, I know I'm right bc of my research.

Of course I'm worried that Elise would be hesitant to be with me, if she loved me if I did the inhibitor test and it came back positive. I'd never lie. Just bc I am asymptomatic doesn't mean my next partner will be. However I know bc of my research it's a false positive. And my hsv1 test was a false negative for sure.

With that being said of course I'm worried about the stigma and if it was a real positive that no one would be with me. Despite this I know it's a false positive and I'll stick the course and get the inhibitor test.

I've never had symptoms, that does not mean you can't have it. However I've thought long and hard about who I have had genital to genital contact with.

It's been like 2 people. I've had a decent amount of oral sex in the past but I was like between 14-18.

Genital to genital, it was seriously two people.

I truly don't think I have it. I think I have a false positive that picked up the hsv1 virus...

If I did the inhibitor test, and found out I had both I'd write that here as I'd never try to pull the wool over someone's eyes, as me being asymptomatic doesn't mean the other person will be....

Either way I know in my heart it's hsv1 cause of my past symptoms and I read the research.

Despite this, if Elise does love me, I want her to know there is a chance I'm an asymptomatic carrier. Although I feel it's a 3% chance given they can't distinguish between hsv1 and hsv2 without the inhibitor.

If my test results read that they used the inhibitor, I would feel very differently but Quest is saying don't diagnosis him do the inhibitor.

So yea maybe reading that kept me up last night cause I did a lot of research.

I got to submit a urine test for the last two std tests.

I have a feeling once I do that inhibitor test I'll have a clean bill of health minus hsv1 cause yea I got it.

I hope Elise would still be with me regardless of if it's hsv1 only or both. Although I wouldn't blame her if she wouldn't.

Although I do think that inhibitor test will show what I've been writing about. The cdc discourages using the test she used on me. Either way safe sex is important.

So I'll do the test and if I happen to have hsv2, well I guess whoever I end up with has to love me despite this. It's going to be hard to sell myself as a transman ingeneral but with hsv2 I might as well expect to spend my life alone.

I refuse to pull the wool over anyone's eyes though but I'm sure in May I'll be saying I have confirmed hsv1 and my hsv2 test came back negative.

If you're reading this and you're not in love with me you probably shouldn't read every entry cause I get kinda personal here. This truly is my dairy.

If you do love me, if the test goes badly I hope it won't change your feelings for me. Although I do truly think it is a false positive.

[benverlesbians]

LITERALLY i came to get my vacc status confirmed. she had a weeks notice. She cldve just checked my files from the insurance company and been like "yeah yr good" but instead she tries and fails 3x to draw blood and sends me out for a full panel. i get the panel. she gets the results next day. she won't send them to my conservatory until i come in. i come in for a procedure she strongarmed me into. she's not even there. the person performing it is Deeply incompetent????? for some reason????? and gives answers w/o information, flits in and out of the room for great stretches of time in which i find terrible reviews, and insists i come back for more procedures. FINALLY the doctor shows, says she asked for something she didn't and says she wanted to go over my results with me. i saw them in the waiting room, and theyre literally perfect. she says my good cholesterol is low and i "should work on that" with no advice and no time for me to ask for it, then says my vitamin d is low (it's the baseline for perfect but go off) and tries to prescribe me vit D pills when i already have an otc bottle at home that i havent opened bc my f*ther actually is deficient and was ~worried about me~ but i've literally never been D deficient in my life, and pushes that for a good three minutes. THEN she tries to make me schedule another appt, for which there is a $150 cancellation fee no matter what, and keeps pushing even after im like "oh no i cannot i will be so very busy for months and months and i cannot know my schedule" which is a LIE so she's not offended into not sending my fucking papers that she should have sent on fucking Tuesday by me saying "actually youre a literal fraud artist and i don't want to waste money on your scams byeeeee"

love going to a doctor’s office for shit and reading reviews while waiting for her to come back and finding out there’s a four year history of her scamming people w/insurance fraud and unnecessary treatments & not actually taking into account their medical histories or needs or giving them actual treatment for what they came in for and scheduling followups so she can get more copays….. when i say im not coming back again i MEAN it

[ihavefoughtgod]

1) I currently live by myself, no roommates except my cat

2) I live in a studio apartment

3) Not living in a group home or anything similar so I can't give information about that

4) I'm working in childcare, and I kind of got lucky with the job now because they offered me the pay they offer college graduates because I am actively pursuing my Childhood Ed degree. But I'm doing it at 1 course a semester because I know I can't handle more than that.

5) I am mostly independent. My town has a bus with a route around town so I take it to my job and back and can take it to the grocery store, library, etc. I have depression and anxiety as well as being autistic, and my therapy appts are out of town, and my mom drives me in exchange for babysitting my younger siblings. Sometimes I struggle with budgeting my money properly and my parents lend me money for rent or food as long as I pay them back as soon as I can, and they live 2 1/2 miles from my apartment so they're always nearby if I need them.

6) I haven't moved out of state so Im not familiar with that process and what you'll need.

7) I have the last decade tackling self-care and I take time for myself as often as I can. I try my best to leave myself extra time to finish tasks than I may typically need and I kind of... pretend to be NT? Like I have a separate 'adult' persona that I take time to get into who actually cares a lot about my appearance and hygiene and all that. And I'm not great at keeping in touch with friends honestly, my mother kind of keeps on me about that, checking in and making sure I'm talking to my friends and inviting them to hang out and all that.

8) My process of entering adult life was turbulent and full of setbacks due to my severe depression, anxiety, and not being diagnosed with autism, or even knowing that that could be a possibility, until I was 19. I found a job at a daycare that gave me about 7 hours a week on minimum wage with a boss who couldn't care less about the kids and her assistant who was actually abusive to them, but I didn't realize that for a while. But it was a job in the career field I wanted and I got it with no previous work experience so I wasn't at all confident about leaving. Once I fully realized what was going on I quietly searched for a new job and got a full-time position with higher pay somehow despite only having 6 months of experience at that point, but I left that day and had enough money saved to put down first month's rent at my apartment.

9) Slow and steady. I beat myself up for not improving at driving beyond the second lesson because no one even mentioned the possibility of me being autistic for three more years. I couldn't get a job until I was 18 and not even doing school because I couldn't do more than that 7 hours/week job. I used to put big sheets of neon paper on my door to remind myself to take my meds. The support of my parents was everything. As long as I could show that I was trying my best they supported me however I needed. Be patient with yourself, take time for you, make a schedule and stick to it as best as you can. Mistakes will be made, setbacks will appear, just ask for help when you need it, remind yourself that you're doing your best, even if today's best was better than yesterday's best.

Calling on autistic adults in the U.S.

For autistic adults who no longer live with their parents, I need your help.

I am a junior in college who is terrified about my future. I have not had a “real” job yet I still struggle with living on my own in a dorm during the school year. I have some questions for those of you who have made your way into adult life. I am honestly not sure who else to discuss this besides the wider autistic community.

Some important info about me before we begin:

• I cannot drive or ride a bike. I have used buses, trains, and ride-sharing services before.

• I have a limited resume right now and my only paying job has been a position at the school newspaper. Hoping to get an internship locally within the next year.

• I have anxiety, ADHD, and a depressive disorder along with being autistic

• I am financially and socially dependant on my parents right now

• My college is only 20 min from my home so I am not far from my support system

So how did you all get to where you are? How do you live on your own at this point? Here are some questions I have about your personal experiences:

1. Do you live completely on your own or not? Do you have roommates, significant others, etc?

2. Do you live in an apartment, house, or something else? (See question 3)

3. Are you living in an institution, planned community, group home, etc.? What was the process of getting there? Would you recommend it?

4. Are you employed? Are you on disability? How do you seek out a job that pays a living wage if you have a low skill level?

5. How independent are you? What is your support system?

6. Have you moved away from your family? What is the process of moving to another state alone?

7. How to do maintain self-care and healthy amounts if social/community interaction?

8. How has your process of entering into more independant adult life happened? What steps got you to where you are now?

9. Do you have any advice for me beyond the scope of the previous questions?

With how much money my parents paid for my college education, I know they will be expecting me to get a job and eventually move out within a few years after I graduate. So I need to create a plan for my future and how I will take care of myself on my own.

You don’t need to answer all of these, just as many as you can. Feel free to message me privately or reblog/reply to this post with your answers. If you can’t answer but you might have followers who can, please reblog this post to spread it