#i said i could embarrass myself or
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hey have i ever told you guys that i have a strange (and some say statistically unusual) gift for finding four-leaf clovers?
#these were from today#found in the space of 10 min#while my mother tried to convince me to join a local chorus#she is convinced that the clovers are good signs#however i hate looking for signs like that because life doesn’t make narrative sense#and in the past i’ve put too much stock into ‘signs’ i’ve seen#which leads to building high expectations about whatever the sign signifies#and my expectations never meet reality#usually reality is much worse in fact#so what does that say about the signs#???#i don’t trust them!#but i’m going to try the chorus anyway#because it’s equally as illogical to always assume the worst i suppose#what’s the worst that could happen?? my mother asked#i said i could embarrass myself or#offend someone by accident#and then i would spend the next 10 years dwelling on it#which to be very clear WOULD be horrible and i am very afraid that that will happen#like that is the worst that could happen but that doesn’t diminish how awful it is#ugh. anyway! chorus meets tomorrow so errrr#wish me luck….#🍀
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happy birdyyyyyyyy to this one <3
#wow time passes quickly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too quickly#anyway I could write a cheesy paragraph but instead of embarrassing myself just know this people:#I’m gonna try to travel hundreds of miles and pay ridiculous amounts of money to see him live this December#not another musician in the world I’d do that for. old billionaire take all my money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I imagine this is what religious people used to feel like when they sacrificed their goats right before winter came#Paul McCartney as your deity etc#ok enough said#paul mccartney#the beatles#john lennon#george harrison#ringo starr#classic rock#beatles#richard starkey
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#can i yap for a moment#im extremely sleepy but im feeling very upset and mad and confused#also lowkey questioning whether me feeling all that is justified or if i am overreacting#anyway#made out w a boy tonight#and he wanted to go to his place#and i was like no i wanna stay and dance with my girlies#and he gets upset??#asking why i'd kiss him if i don't wanna hook up and i said i just wanna have fun?#made me feel so stupid#that anger in me led to a little fight with another boy (who was unfortunately very cute) and i just wanted to punch him#i just hate when boys think they're so superior#so i argued with this stupid but hot man#until an ex? friend shows up and he was pretty drunk just yapping about things#anyway he basically told me he'd like to rekindle our friendship#but not in a heyy haven't talked in so long let's meet up again#it was in a heyy let's hang out again got a new big car and moved out of my parent's house 😋#which gave me the ick bc that's why we aren't friends anymore and i told him no multiple times#and got sad bc he was one of my closest friends#anyway and then we left the party#this guy pulls me aside the parking lot#and i was so embarrassed bc there were so many people and they were all looking and i could already see people gossiping about it#and i just wanted to die#and then he just CONFESSES??#gives me flowers and all which is saur saur cute#but i legit have zero feelings for him </3#and have commitment issues and have never been in a relationship and don't wanna be in one#actually grosses me out thinking about relationships </3#the confession was so random and i kinda lost another friendship? even tho i wouldn't rlly consider him a friend we just share sum classes#but yeah boys are so stupid and confusing and i dunno how and why i get myself into these situations :') m sorry just needed to rant </3
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety
#walk with me#this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere#the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad#count on the person**#i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them#in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other#it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time#idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too#so we’ve been more properly friends lately#and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to#gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it#and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention#(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention)#anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all#weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone#so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever#and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more#and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted#they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek#i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on#bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other#flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc#i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed#but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers#and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious??????#your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up???#if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right???#so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend#delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something
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I’m shadowing at the vet clinic in 2 days and I’m clearly not nervous at all because I definitely didn’t have a long winding, distressing dream in which the veterinarian made me play a game in which leif had to throw food at people and maki kicked his ass so bad that leif fucking died but don’t worry because the vet was there and he has magic healing powers and he brought leif back to life but he made sure to mention for some reason that leif doesn’t have chlorophyll because he’s not a plant
#what’s up guys I’m not nervous in the slightest#there was more to the dream but that part was the most vivid#I slept through the whole night the other night for the first time in months and I was really hoping that it’d happen again#WRONG that was a fluke. woke up like 4 times#sigh OKAY!!!#if I disappear from the face of the earth on Monday it’s because I did something so embarrassing that I went to go live in a hole#it’s three hours what’s the worst I could do CLEARLY MY DREAM THINKS A LOT COULD GO WRONG#notes to self. do not show up an hour late. do not forget your shoes#and f-y-fucking-i do NOT quote finch holy SHIT#that was a horrible dream I made a total ass of myself#I fear it will come true because. I have a tendency to say and do the wrong thing#it is all replaying in my head…..the time a girl called me pretty and I just stared at her and walked away…….#the time I said ‘I don’t say thank you to anyone’ instead of ‘I’m not ignoring your compliment I just have selective mutism’#the time I accidentally angrily screamed ‘GOOD MORNING’ at an old man because I couldn’t control my tone of voice#< actually he deserved that lmao he yelled at me first. fuck that guy frfr that was traumatic#this is just my stream of consciousness atp hey guys I’ll shut up now
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me & my dog by boygenius maybe the best song ever made i fear
#like are you kidding bc I’m not#I had a fever until I met you?????? now you make me cool????????? but sometimes I still do????????? something embarrassing???????????#I never said I’d be alright!!!!!!!!!!!#just thought I could hold myself together!!!!!!!!!!!!!#when I couldn’t breathe I went outside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#don’t know why I thought it’d be any better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#boygenius#julien baker#lucy dacus#pheobe bridgers
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Hello, do you think is possible that we will get a FITF live album? Louis and the band sound so good on tour.
they doooo! I love Steve's arrangements and additions to the songs so much! Honestly I have no idea; on the one hand it seems like Louis might be more focused on moving towards new stuff, like we are still in FITF mode but by the time it came out he had had it forever and now he's well into LT3 and probably feeling more excited about those new songs and sounds; on the other hand he is very good at working the industry stuff and all the angles and it's basically free money, right? He has said FITF was a further step towards the sound he wants most rather than the finish line, so it's possible that as happened with Walls as he works more on the new one he is getting less enthused about sharing the old stuff; but I think adding Steve's arrangements and just moving away from some of the songs seems to have lessened that this time around, so maybe that isn't a factor. Here's the thing though: the only way it would happen or make sense I think would be if it was recorded pretty recently, like one of the UK shows; the show was still being tweaked and gelled and cooking until then. But if they wanted to make vinyl (and surely they would? fancy double vinyl of live albums is SUCH a thing), that is very very long process of waiting around these days. First you have to get lacquers made (this is the physical thing that the recording is cut into that all the records are duplicates of- if you want quality it has to be more or less handmade by an artisan) but one of the two places left in the world that made those burnt to the ground in 2020 so there's a super long wait time on that. Then it just has to get made; but there are basically ten large scale factories left (again, in the WORLD) that press records so that also has a very long wait time... so it would take forever and the thing is I think we're getting LT3 in the late fall/ early winter (I bet he's using this month to finish it up so it can begin this lengthy process). So I kind of don't think so, like I guess they could do a CD/ cassette/ digital only in late spring and make so much money, and it would be fun, but who knows. Either way, I just hope Louis has Steve do some production work on LT3, I like his sounds and ideas a lot, and that he keeps him around to do his tours forever!
#could I have just said it takes a while to make records I GUESS#but maybe people are interested!#IN MY DAY *totters up on a creaky walker* you could just be like I wanna make a record of my band#and send off $500 and a mastered recording and 6 weeks later get a couple boxes of 7's in the mail#SIGHHHH#this planning a year in advance is such a bummer I bet Louis would much rather get to write the songs and share them#and by a year later be onto whole new ones#it's no wonder he doesn't remember the lyrics by the time it's time to tour them he's ages past those ones#fitf live#vinyl pressing#steve durham#is the drummer but also the tour musical director#I've always had an embarrassing thing for drummers and I genuinely do not have a thing for steve because I am past that tyvm#but every time I rave about him I do side eye myself like is this correct or are you just in drummer groupie mode#anyway he looks just like- I kid you not- a drummer I have uh#what#had a Thing With let us say#once upon a time#but honestly I really do just like his arrangements musically I think he seems kind of annoying personally#and that tattoo artist was his friend and that guy seemed like a DOUCHE which made me even more skeptical#anyway enjoy the personal TMI corner GOTTA GO BYE
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i honestly think i would prefer people i used to be close with to just outright shun me vs greeting me at the kingdom hall. like. that little sliver of interaction just feels cruel...? idk how to explain it but it's like. it's so much easier to deal with just not being spoken to than to have a awkward little conversation that can't extend past pleasantries even though you know that both of you want to keep talking
#nicki.txt#ex jw#brought to you by i saw my ex best friend yesterday and we said hi and she went to say something else but had to stop herself...#it was so f*cking sad#i've been crying about it for an embarrassing amount of time#cause like#there's no way of rationalising it in a way that would make it better#at least if she shunned me i could just... convince myself she didn't see me or something#GRAH#i am really. at the end of my tether#i need to get OUT
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wanting to visit the archives without looking like a fanatic bc nobody likes posting government documents online apparently
#this is why i hate politics people do shit without proof all the time#and they do it from the both sides so even if i hate one i have to look at the other one and be like please get some proof just because the#are known liars does not put you in a pure truth position simply by disagreeing with them and i really need to like you#so i have to dig for the information myself bc i am done jumping to conclusions after watching reels and then jumping to news articles#created either after the reel or by some random sentence somebody said and then it gets picked up by bigger news outlets#bc NOBODY FACT CHECKS ANYMORE its all abt speed first ig#so i have to check credentials i am not blind hating and fearing anymore#like my dad said information is the most valuable thing rn and the problem is when the government hides it#also get your party out of the protests<3#it is made by the citizens to fight injustice not to put you in charge you have to work on that yourself not by simply being -the others-#bc that is how we got into this mess in the first place#and it discredits the people's concerns so much bc now it's party moves and not citizen unhappiness with the system#which is a story they could not have spun if they did not get involved so clearly i mean dude#will not even going to get into the fucking embarrassing kind of gaslighting the government is doing#they are literally looking at photos and saying nuh uh when faced with bullet proof evidence and then bullshitting#which is so offensive bc at least fucking care enough to lie well but they know they can say the sky is green and they will still stay in#power so why give a fuck i guess#0 notes to me#i am sorry for the rant#i just have to let this off my chest somewhere
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the crowd singing ‘viva gareth bale’ yesterday 🥺🏴
#wales nt#football#made a guy tear up fr … the crowd was immense this was one of the best examples of the song i could hear#i’m not very good at processing audio so let me know if they’re singing sth completely different and i’ve just embarrassed myself here#but i’m pretty sure they’re singing that#said he had a bad back fuck the union jack viva gareth bale 🥰#rahul.txt
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I hate tiktok I hate it I hate it so much, I was minding my own fucking business giggling at Baldurs Gate memes and then I saw some fucked up body shaming ED ass take and now I wanna cry what the fuck is wrong with you people??
#TRIGGER WARNING: VENT IN THE TAGS#can we please stop dehumanizing fat people?? please??#it literally said “maybe he likes me” “he doesn't‚ his shirt wouldn't wven fit you. isn't that embarrassing?”#WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??#there are children on that app that you could be traumatizing.#im not gonna demonize eating disorders. i fucking have one#but you dont see me going online and telling people that they cant be loved just because i hate myself#what is wrong with you?#what makes people feel like things like that are okay to say?#and it blew up so much that its responsible for a certain song trending at the moment so its not just some harmless vent post#i fucking hate it here
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bro why is my reflex to always make up a very flimsy excuse when i know that the people i'm talking to won't mind me saying the truth (not to mention the truth usually isn't like. offensive or disrespectful. maybe weird at most but eh most ppl i interact with know who i am and are likely just as weird). and then bc i'm a stubborn pos i tend to sink into it. i learned how to say no at least to strangers even without explaining myself so why is it still hard to do with friends.........
#as i said i KNOW they won't get mad so this isn't even about being afraid 😭😭😭#i usually don't manange to catch myself in time before giving those shitty excuses. why#i wish i knew the reason so i could unpack this shit from the source and find a way to not do it#but. beyond correcting myself after the fact (i did that today!) idk what else there even is to do.#also even that is so hard. bc i get embarrassed so easily. and making an accidental mistake is like a death sentence for my psyche#so admitting it is worse bc what if it'll be a death sentence for. idk. my image. logically ik it isn't but my subconscious doesn't#surely there is a root to all this. and i'm usually good at figuring these things out. but i'm lost here#also my doubling down sometimes turns into straight up lying which i really don't like doing 😔#vent#sorry. tumblr is my diary#(i figured rubber ducking all of you might help me reach an epiphany but it did not help much. oof)
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I think I got possibly the absolute worst outcome for the tribunal you could possibly get and then slept from 12pm to 7pm
#SEVEN FUCKING PEOPLE DEAD#jesus christ#i dont think it couldve gone worse#im googling two seconds#yep jesus christ the only possible death i didnt get was kourtenar and i dont think i wouldve given a shit if he died#what the hell hiw did i fuck it up so unbelievably fucking bad#i failed some checks i really fucking shouldnt have#jesus this is what i get for being bad at murder mysteries#motherfucker#i actually feel genuinely really awful like sick to my stomach#my teeth started chattering during it i was so hopped up and stresssssed#fuck im tempted to cheese it to try get a better outcome but shit man i dont think i personally could#i have no idea how i could have fixed any of it i fucked up before i even walked into it#god what the fuck#im like genuinely embarrassed and kind of ashamed?#someone said you have to let shanky run how do you do that i genuinely do not remember a decision like that#fuckin cheesecloth brain fucking hell#couldnt have gone worse if ibfuckin tried#motherfucking disco elysium#this is so embarrassing admitting this#the power of friendship DID in fact fail me#well now i have to play the game and not fuck up like an idiot#god i feel so terrible how did i screw things uo so much#admittedly maybe i should be nicer to myself considering i'd maybe gotten 3 hours of sleep yesterday and had been awake for nearly 24 hours#(ive been sleeping weird dont worry about it)#but man i dont think i couldve made it go much better but even 6 deaths is better than 7#sprry for the long tags i am just miserable#i also think im sick? maybe a covid test in my future
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GOD ocd is such a bitch.
#when i first started working at my current place they added me to slack and said i could use any picture of anything i wanted for my icon#and i chose a picture of gooby in a little bowtie :3 one of my favorite pictures of him ever#fast forward five years and he died which left me. uh. pretty traumatized.#and i just couldn't bring myself to change it#and then when it got to a point where most Normal People would change the pfp after a decent period of mourning#i couldn't do it. i tried. couldn't. something about how i am said that changing the pfp would erase him#and then mully died and the same something was like 'yeah. bc you thought about changing your pfp.'#it's been embarrassing for two years. god. has gooby really been gone for 2 years? have i been missing that part of me for so long?#like logically i know this has no baring whatsoever on how the universe works but i haven't been stronger than the feeling#until today: i just changed it to my professional headshot#and i feel... ok. i have the Pit in my chest and excess nervous energy. but i will be ok.#sad cat post don't mind me#OCD boo hiss
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would be crazy if I reach 1k followers in the next year
#haha imagine I said that the I get banned or something#<--- if that actually happens I'm going to kill myself that's 3 years worth of art. even though I don’t like it#also it kind of surprising so much ppl following me…although I don’t interact much :(#I mean I could…try. but when that happens I embarrass myself then I don’t do it again 🦅#is there’s an actual reason why y’all following me? I kind of want to know…I like listening (well in this case reading it)
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