#i remember in 2021 i thought id get over the fandom in a month or two.like how do i tell u thisbut you are Not leaving.the autism prevailed

[nandysparadox]

it's so crazy to me when i see new people joining the tss fandom bc then i think about all the people i befriended in the fandom that then left. and im still here. this show has done irreparable damage to my psyche i think it's just fossilized in there

[toxicnorn]

i didn't really do this for the sake of nostalgia but i was looking through some past blogs and internet IDs of mine

i'm a very different person from who i was when i originally joined tumblr. i approach writing in a very different way. my opinions on a lot of things have changed a lot. i really cannot give two shits about most discourse nowadays that i used to have opinions on.

when it comes to creative work, i had a lot more energy and confidence, but this was a double-edged sword because for a long period of time, i was single-handedly focused on rp as a distraction from some real heavy shit irl and my fandom stuff wasn't necessarily healthy for me. this is something i've struggled with on and off over the years because i tend to latch really hard to fiction and characters when things are bad. i wrote some really good sentences though and some good characters. i keep trying to recreate the same feelings by recycling characters, but they're different each time because nostalgia's a false thing and you can't just make the same thing twice but different and expect it to be the same.

my latest attempts at fic and rp are trying to come from a different source, which i think is healthier in the long run.

i was like super depressed from 2014-2018 and then the election pummeled me into a different funk for two years, which was better in some ways but worse in others. around 2019, i was finally able to move out of my parents' house for some time. it wasn't very far but it did help me clear my head a bit.

then 2020 happened. i moved back in with my parents for a few months and it was kind of awful, but then i moved back and things were actually better on my end for a bit, but i was still very weird and squirrelish.

2021 happened somewhere along those lines and i don't remember most of 2021 because it was a hell year of going to doctor's appointments until the very end of it. i moved across the country in 2022 to be with my gf (hey bb love you very much if you are reading this) and for the first time maybe ever, i feel like i'm in a pretty good place. i know that there is a still a lot of work ahead of me to figure out How to Be A Person 101 and get over my hangups but i'm really happy.

anyway, when your creative output has been based entirely on distracting yourself from blue moods up until now, it's a bit wild trying to readjust your brain to go "hey, actually, it's okay to like things just to like them, you can fuel yourself with other emotions, having characters that live in your head is not cringe or something." i'm having fun though, even if i can't manage the output that i'd like to.

this isn't me gloomyposting btw. i think if anything, it's the opposite because things are pretty okay. i might have issues that creatively frustrate me and i might have flaws i'm trying to work on and of course learning How To Social is always an ongoing effort and we aren't even getting into the ongoing saga of Getting My Bran To Work On Medication (on one hand, it's been great because i have the least amount of anxiety than i have ever had in my life; on the other hand, my brain feels like it's two feet out of reach more days than i'd like it to and i'm really frustrated by the fact that i cannot make the connections between thoughts and actions, like my brain just stutters before comprehending that ii should do very basic actions), but all in all, things are great and i'm excited for the future.

there are a lot of people i've lost track of that vanished off tumblr after 2018. i realized a small handful of people were assholes. some of the people i used to know seem to have fallen off the fact of the internet entirely and i doubt i'll ever learn what happened to them. at least one of my very early internet friends died, klim. i don't really know what happened to most of the people i knew in those days when i was on gaia online but i hope that they're doing well. i was a very different person when i was on that site but i was also 16, so of course i was.

anyway, i talk different now. i communicate differently. my internet voice has changed. i used to use random caps for everything. i don't capitalize shit anymore and you can't make me.

i don't really want to get back into the mindsets of me of years prior, but i do want to be able to tap into that well of creative potential because it seemed like i had so much energy for writing, for talking about writing, for sharing and brainstorming and thinking. i know that i am a person capable of writing a novella in the same of a few weeks so i want to regain that.

but i want to have more fun with it this time. i want it to belong to me and not belong to various plagues and maladies. i think deep down, there is a part of me that misses being nine and thinking i had invented fanfiction and talking about my zelda fic with all my friends without a hint of self-consciousness, but, like, with less 1999 going on because the 90s normalized a lot of shit that's not great.

anyway i don't really know where i'm going with this, so i am going to rotate characters in my mind before i go to bed

[austinwehaveaproblem]

day 4!!

today I thought id talk about by hyperfixations in general like how I feel they work. btw I think I should clarify that I have adhd! anyway typing and telling you this makes me want to read up more on research about how people with adhd hyperfixations work. so this is basically a timeline of that ig? id say ive always been a taylor swift fan for a longgg time like since I was 4. but id say that the hardcore swiftie thing started in April 2021. and ive been this way since then. other than that in june 2022 the måneskin thing started intensely which is of course why I'm here now!! from then on it was and intense thing of MÅNESKIN MÅNESKIN AHHHH -> SABRINA CARPENTER OMFG in July 2022 (shoutout to eics turning one year omg) -> JOSHUA BASSETT OMFG NEW MUSIC OCTOBER WEDNESDAYS THE FANDOM WAS FLOURISHING!! -> and then someday in november, I dont remember the reason why but i was like "I should try checking out that band waterparks that austin mentioned again" so I DID and ohhh boy. I sat down and listened to fandom and entertainment I think? do you ever feel it coming on? like I'll get chills and goosebumps and it takes over my thoughts. so anyway that was one of those moments. like remember that post with awstens name censored? that was the start of this. and ive been this way for months. also theres my hobbie hyperfixations like making jewelery, doing my hair is the latest one (what im doing rn) also if I get into a book enough I can finish it in no time. anyway thats that!! just wanted to write this down!! sorry for typos

ooh! i have a kinda... i mean, decaydance is my spint obviously but i sorta cycle through bands i guess? like... cobra began in late 2020/early 2021, tai during that summer, cobra again, i don't keep that much track of what brainrot i have when but i've gone through gch, p! (be glad you didn't know me in 2018), trs, ths, millionaires, aaand yeah >o> i did realize i also had bandom (like,,,, not just the whole thing but specifically the fandom bits) as a spint during late spring last year and was both reading and writing a lot of fic and um yeah. my spint(s?) is like... it's all tied together but also they're three different interests to me (fob, dcd, bandom) and i can't always lump them together despite regular (and inherent) crossovers

[gold-rush-into-things]

I Knew You, Tried to Change the Ending (and everything in between)

So what DOES QAnon believe? So glad you asked! They believe that Trump has been planning a “day of reckoning” known as the "Storm," when thousands of members of the cabal will be arrested  (they thought this was going to happen on Biden’s inauguration lmao). They also think most Hollywood actors, Democratic politicians, and high-ranking government officials are also members of the cabal. You could almost say… It’s all part of the fucking story. (Sidenote: Cabal is a very cool word, I think I would like to be in one someday maybe, one that does not involve cannibalism though). 

The "Storm" became QAnon-speak for an “imminent” event in which thousands of those alleged suspects will be arrested, imprisoned, and executed for being child-eating pedophiles. Perfectly logical, makes total sense. Again, Q’s followers also developed a name for when Q would come to spill, these “Q Drops.”

I put “imminent” in quotes for this reason, here are some of the Q predictions and dates: 

The "Storm" would take place on November 3, 2017. Last I checked Tom Cruise and Hillary Clinton were not publicly executed

That people targeted by the Trump would commit mass suicide on February 10, 2018. No prominent people committed suicide that day, but also like…. wut.

Multiple failed predictions that Mark Zuckerberg would leave Facebook and flee the US. Zuck is still CEO, unfortunately, as of writing this post.

Multiple failed predictions that Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey would be forced to resign. Jack, unfortunately, remains CEO of Twitter, and remains having the ugliest beard I’ve seen.

Ect, ect ect, you get the point.

Finally, like I mentioned earlier, that the "Storm" would take place on January 20, 2021, the day of Biden's inauguration. While I cried a lot that day, none of it was because there were public executions of my queens Kamala, Michelle, Jill, or Hillary. 

BUT, Q soooooooorta got Jeffery Epstien getting arrested for child trafficking right. Even if they were off by a couple of days. But the tiniest victory can give followers a lot of confidence. 

Which leads right into Spade. The first Spade riddle, “♠️ Aug 2018: Karlie will be at the reputation tour in Nashville” was right! I’ve heard TTB didn’t post it until after, which, kinda sketch, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt (undeservedly). This was also very specific, was allowed to be proven true or false, and BAM people are hooked. Again, understandably! 

And, like Q, most Spade riddles just simply did not come true. Such as:

 “♠️ 10.12.2018: However, Karlie will be single and will have rekindled her friendship with Taylor to a suggestive degree.” 

I’m sorry, but it’s been two years, if it was going to happen, it probably would have by now.

There are then a few that Spade followers retrofit into being correct, like about the golden globes and the cloud imagery of Lover. 

But as Spade continued to stop by, it becomes very, very similar to the “Q Drops.” The clues become more and more vague, and people were / are twisting themselves more and more to make them have meaning. A few of personal favorites: 

♠️ 06.25.2019: Why worry, she blooms in June. (This is funny because obvi nothing happened in June, but also, as a gay man, I know all of icon Troye Sivan’s music and he has a song about gay sex called Bloom and that’s all I can ever think about when I read this lol)

♠️ 09.27.2019: The candle flickered, your eyes darted, my heart pounded. (So dramatic, I love it. And can mean anything you want!)

♠️ 07.24.2019: Without judgement or question, she bent to the ground and picked up the pieces. Blood ran from her hands as she cut herself so I could be whole. (This is just bonkers, but it’s also more CAMP than anything Karlie wore to the Met Gala)

My quips aside, all of these literally mean nothing. And so many of them, especially ones that people retrofit to claim were a hint, were things the general fandom already knew. Such as, “Darling, in the midst of this cruel summer I re-read your love letters…” People lost their mind after the tracklist came out, thinking that Cruel Summer had been revealed by Spade weeks earlier. But at that point the tracklist had already been leaked by Secret Sessioners, AND Taylor hinted at it in the YNTCD video and that weird Amazon commercial. 

But, much like Q followers, and the appeal of the possibility of being involved in something historic (the world’s biggest popstar is in a secret lesbian relationship!!), people are sucked in and it becomes harder to question things — like that Kaylor could possibly be over. 

Another similarity, and one that is a major red flag, is the consistent moving of the goalposts that TTB, Spade, and TCG all played a part in. 

You can see this in the aforementioned Spade riddles about them becoming “friends again” in 2018, “She blooms in June,” and their “Ides of March” post — nothing of note has happened in any preceding March. TCG and her posting about “The Gay Agenda” plan for them to come out which kept getting pushed back. And TTB posting every six months or so that the “contract is ending” regarding Karlie and Josh. So, much like “The Storm,” these big, earth shattering events keep getting predicted, but don’t actually happen. 

Whenever I read about Q followers and the depths that they believe that people in Hollywood and politics are involved in this elite cabal, the first thing I think about is Kaylors’ mantra of “it’s all part of the fucking story.”** Much like how Q followers use “Trust the plan” as comfort when things don’t work out as predicted. 

**For reference: Taylor went out with friends in 2016 (including Suki Waterhouse and Cara Delivinge) to a NYC restaurant and someone, assumed to be one of them, wrote “It’s all part of the fucking story” on the paper table cloth. 

This is repeated in the Kaylor fandom as a message that everything Taylor does publicly, is simply that, part of the story. I specifically remember TTB was sharing theories connecting Hayley Williams’ lead single’s music video in 2019 to Taylor, due to a sound at the end of it (which I unfortunately can’t link, since her blog is gone), recently I saw Spade-Riddles sharing Selena Gomez’s recent Insta post because it had oranges in it (implying it’s tied to the YNTCD girl), and these examples could go on and on. While I wish the world DID revolve around Taylor Swift, unfortunately it doesn’t and every person Taylor has ever come in contact with just isn’t droppeing clues about her being queer in THEIR art.

NEXT POST: Shade Never Made Anyone (even Josh Kushner) Gay