#i really cherish this outpouring of kindness and positivity

[underdark-dreams]

uhm, hi! quick question (:

are you aware that your fics live in my mind rent free, consume my soul, fill my dreams and plague me with the knowledge i will not take another breath for the forseable future without thinking about Rolan?

so anyway, have a good day ~

Fainting, crying, wailing. Rolling around in my tears. 😭 Is this a good or a bad thing? Have I cursed you like the babadook? To be honest, more Rolan enjoyers couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. And I feel really lucky to know other people love him as much as I do!!

I've said this before, but Rolan's character got me writing again for the first time in years. I'm so grateful for all the talented writers at Larian, for George Taylor's amazing VA work, for all the mocap and animation teams who brought this lovable grump to life. I can't remember the last time I connected with a character this way. Definitely wouldn’t be writing right now if not for Rolan. Knowing other people care about him just as much gives me such a warm fuzzy feeling inside!

[lavender-lotion]

monday, tuesday, wednesday, friday, september!

monday: do you struggle with the ‘boring’ parts of writing?

what... what are the boring parts of writing?? I hate editing and I really struggle with that, because it takes so long but has so little word count pay off, that it can feel really... low reward? and since I work towards a yearly word count goal, editing can get frustrating if i’ve been low on words. 

other than that... I had thinking of tags and finding titles. does that count??? 

tuesday: name a fic you have posted which you think is overrated?

Breathing You In

I binge wrote and edited this 30k fic in two weeks around working overtime. I hated it as I wrote it, and by the time I posted it, I hadn’t ever actually read the whole thing through - I wrote, edited and sent sections to a beta as I wrote them. when I posted it, I didn’t even totally know that the work flowed together, ‘cause... well, i’d worked on it scene by scene, and sometimes the scenes weren’t linear. 

it. blew. up. it blew up SO MUCH. I have never, to this day, had a fic get this type of immediate and positive outpouring of love. in the moment I didn’t get it. I hadn’t liked writing this fic, felt like it was poorly thought out and rushed and... people loved it. looking back, two and a half years later, I can kinda see why it took off (lots of popular fandom tropes) and while I don’t hate it as much as I used to, it still blows my way that it got as popular as it did! 

wednesday: name a fic which you have posted which you think is underrated?

Sing to Me, Oh so Sweetly

i’ve said this before, I believe, but this fic has a special place in my heart. it was my LONGEST fic for a really long time, and is still my third longest fic ever. sitting at 53k, it’s literally one of my longest works AND I... I liked it. it wasn’t incredibly ship focused, it was incredibly introspective, it went through a entire journey through stiles growing up and...

well. 

it hasn’t done good. it hasn’t done as good as I would have liked at all, because it means so much to me and holds such a special place in my heart as something that is ENTIRELY outside of my comfort zone (there’s even angst in this!!!). 

so. yeah. this is the first fic that i think of and it’s the first fic that i’ve thought of for years now with this type of question. it sucks. I hate thinking about this fic. 

well, this fic and then literally any emmangel i’ve ever written. the x-men alt timeline fandom sure isn’t fond of femme slash, huh?

thursday: have you ever written a high fantasy concept?

hmmmm I don’t think so??? I think the closest is probably Sing to Me, Oh so Sweetly OR this other teen wolf fic: 

Witchling

but other than those two, this really isn’t a genre that I write a whole lot of

friday: most self-indulgent fic you have ever posted?

ahhhhhh this one is so hard BUT I am just going to list the first fics that come to mind

patience is a virtue (i'll reap what i've sown)

(baby) maybe that matters more

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you

with those kind eyes

Draw the Line (Cross Over it With Me)

september: share a comment or review which still warms your heart?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I. am not good at remembering positive comments :pensive: ask me about negative ones? I can tell you a fic I wrote four years I don’t write angst. a fic from a year ago makes me insecure every time I write an accented character. 

positive ones. 

ironically midrashic, you recently left me a comment that brought me tears. it was on my recent cherik 5+1, and I genuinely cried, I was so emotionally touched at your kind words. you leave INCREDIBLY comments that genuinely warm my heart and always fill me with so, so much joy. 

(I don’t want it to sound like I don’t LOVE getting amazing comments. I do, and I cherish them I get them. but. truth be told im incredibly insecure, and... it’s easier to remember something you agree with than something you don’t.)

fanfic questions themed around time

[salt-warrior]

WHEN EARTH TURNS TO ASHES

Masterlist

Bonus Chapter: Last Name

Cinder released an enormous sigh, turning over so she rested on her back. She was at the Crown’s house— or really, mansion— to visit Rikan with Kai for Labor Day weekend. The place was surprisingly cosy despite the large spaciousness of it, and Cinder had found herself resting on an enormous couch with a view of the backyard. She could see assorted fruit trees and a worn, rusted water fountain. It was beautiful and serene, but Cinder’s heart felt tumultuous.

She stared up at the ceiling, willing the blank white canvas to make a decision for her, but it made no response to her silent pleas.

Over eight months had passed since she had banished her mother to the Gray Realm— eight months since Kai had died. They had both had long recoveries ahead of them, filled with skin grafting and physical therapy. But everything had turned out alright. They were alive and together, and that was all Cinder needed.

It was strange to her how fast her life had changed. In almost no time at all she’d gone from being a girl with no friends, living a life of constant loneliness and despair to having an outpouring of love in her life. It was almost overwhelming at times. She had never before been so well-cared for.

“You okay?”

Cinder turned her gaze from the ceiling and found Kai standing in the doorway. She wasn’t entirely sure what one would call the room she currently occupied (she wasn’t up to date on snobby rich people terms), but there was a marvelous grand piano in the corner and a bookshelf full of sheet music. The two red velvet couches in the room resided adjacent to the marvelous instrument.

“Mhmm,” Cinder hummed as Kai sat down beside her feet. He pulled her legs— both the real one and the prosthetic— into his lap, pinching her toes softly despite her socks. She closed her eyes, reveling in his touch.

“How was the business call?” Cinder asked, reaching to the back of her head and pulling the elastic out of her hair. It was a complete mess of brown tangles, but she didn’t particularly care. It went well with the old baggy t-shirt and gray sweatpants she had borrowed from Kai.

“Oh, you know, just chummy,” Kai said. He heaved a great sigh. “It’s just all the same stuff, y’know?” He bit his lower lip in contemplation, and Cinder couldn’t help but draw closer to him.

He had often expressed his frustrations with the company with her— something that he had never done with anyone else aside from Thorne. Not even Kai’s father knew his own disdain for the business, and while Cinder had encouraged him to tell him, Kai had never taken her advice. It was the family duty after all; something that Cinder would never understand.

Cinder settled herself beside Kai, wrapping her arms around his middle and placing her head on his shoulder. His body curled to meet hers, pulling her closer despite his nice dress clothes. She breathed him in, smiling at the distinctly Kai scent of laundry detergent and chocolate cereal.

“Enough about my troubles,” Kai said, brushing Cinder’s hair back from her face. “What’s got you down? You’ve got that distracted-but-not-in-a-good-way look on your face. Is something up?”

There was an edge of fear in his voice— something that Cinder despised. She knew that it was just his concern for her and her wellbeing, but the fact that he had reason to be cautious around such a subject made her heart ache in a way she couldn’t explain. If only she were simply the girl he had saved from the fire, rather than also being the one whose ghost mother had killed him.

“I want to change my name,” Cinder said.

Kai furrowed his brow, his lips twisting. “I know Thorne teases you about having the name Cinder and having been burned alive a lot, but–”

“My last name,” Cinder corrected. “And my legal name is still Selene, you know. Selene Linh. But I just, I don’t know. I hate every time I get mail and it says ‘Selene Linh’ or I go to the doctor and have to write that down as my name. It just feels wrong. That’s not who I am.”

Kai nodded his head, his eyes alighting on a tree out the window. He had a far off look on his face that Cinder couldn’t quite understand— as if he were thinking back on a distant memory. She had never been one to dwell on the past; she had no reason to, for her past was filled with little joy and innumerable cruelties.

“Do you… do you think it’s a bad idea?” Cinder asked, somewhat agitated. Though Kai was her boyfriend and, as far as she knew, the love of her life, she didn’t think he should have much say in this matter.

“No,” Kai said, the word coming out too fast. He turned his attention back to her, gifting her one of his most heart-stopping smiles. “What names are you thinking?”

“That’s the thing I can’t seem to decide on,” Cinder admitted, easing back once more. “I could become a Blackburn again, though I don’t particularly want to. That’s another name I want left in the past. Maha offered me the Kesley name, but I don’t feel comfortable with that one either.”

In the months since Cinder had banished the ghost of her mother, she’d regained contact with the Kesley family, and even gone out to visit them once. It had been bittersweet, but her old foster parents and even their other son had been kind to her. It was more than she felt she didn't deserve after all she’d done, but the new bond between them gave her soul some sense of peace over the matter.

Cinder heaved a great sigh, burying her face in Kai’s shirt. There was a faint scent of cologne close to his neck, but only enough that Cinder could catch the memory of it. That was one more thing she loved about Kai: his frugal use of cologne— unlike Thorne.

“The problem is,” Cinder murmured into his shirt. “Is that I want to change it, but I just don’t know what I want to change it to, you know? Maybe I should just close my eyes and scroll down a list or something.”

“Gah, don’t do that.” Kai brushed his fingers against her cheek, and Cinder’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment. Even after months of being together, she still couldn’t get over the thrill of simply being touched by him. “You could end up with a name like Smith or Johnson or something equally as boring.”

Cinder scrunched her nose. “I would still have veto power. It’s not like I’d automatically go with whatever I chose. But you know… if there was something cool. If it felt right.”

“Or,” Kai said, drawing out the word in a way that a child would pull apart taffy. “You could, um, change your last name to something like…”

She waited for him to continue, but when he didn’t, she urged him on. “Something like?”

“You could always change it to Crown.” The words spilled from his mouth with the speed and nervousness of a hummingbird’s wings.

“What?”

“I mean,” Kai spluttered. “If you want to. You would have the alliteration thing going for you, which is always a lot of fun. But that’s only if you keep the name Cinder–”

“Slow down,” Cinder cut in. She pulled herself into a sitting position, looking down on Kai and his flustered eyes and red cheeks. “Crown is your last name.”

“I know that.”

“But you want it to be my last name?”

“It was more of an offer for it to be your last name than anything else,” Kai said, a mischievous glint in his eyes as all his nerves seemed to leave him. He sat up, pushing himself to the end of the couch. “Well, actually, it was more of a proposal.”

Cinder’s jaw dropped, unable to comprehend the words that had just come from her boyfriend’s mouth. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Great stars above, she had seen her ghost mother send bolts of fire at her most cherished loved ones, yet somehow the words coming out of Kai’s mouth managed to astonish her into speechlessness.

“I think I messed that up,” Kai said, a shadow of doubt converging across his features. He scratched behind his ear, something that Cinder had come to recognize as a nervous tick. “Can I start over again?”

When Cinder said nothing, Kai took in a deep breath and began once more. “Cinder,” he said, his copper eyes fastened on hers with the shining brilliance of the moon in a black sky. “I love you. And I will love you no matter what your name is. Whether you’re Cinder Linh or Kesley or even Smith.” He made a face. “Change your name to whatever you desire, and I will still love you. You are not a name, but a heart and soul— and my heart and soul fell for yours far too long ago and far too hard for me to ever go back.”

Cinder felt her eyes burn as Kai delivered his speech to her, his words flowing with the earth-shattering eloquence of a siren’s song, leaving Cinder wanting only more. She could have drowned in the soft stream of Kai’s words and felt nothing but ecstasy.

“I know we haven’t known each other long— not even a year. But I don’t think time makes a difference in matters of the heart. I love you, and want to marry you. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in my life. If you want my last name in return, take it. It’s yours as much as I am.”

“Kai,” Cinder whispered, searching his eyes for something— anything that betrayed his words. She found only the earnestness of his soul. She stared at him until a smile crept up his cheeks. He placed a hand on her face, his thumb brushing lightly against her nose. “Are you okay?”

Laughter burst forth from Kai, surprising Cinder. She didn’t find the situation particularly funny.

“What?” She asked.

“Yes, of course,” Kai responded, bumping his forehead against hers. “It’s just that you always ask me that question whenever I’m trying to make any sort of move on you.”

“You’re making a move on me?” Cinder drawled, half joking and half not.

“I did kind of just ask you to marry me,” Kai said, nibbling on his lower lip.

Cinder rolled her eyes. “I don’t actually recall you ever asking me that question.”

“Oh, my bad,” Kai said, red coloring his cheeks. He drew away from Cinder, and she instantly regretted her sarcasm. She wanted for him to come back to her— to touch her and hold her once more.

He knelt down on the floor in front of Cinder and took her hand. He was smiling that almost goofy grin of his as he looked up at her. Sometimes she couldn’t believe that he was still a part of her life. After everything that she had put him through, it would have been reasonable for him to leave. But Kai had never been a reasonable man.

“Cinder?” Kai asked. A black lock of hair fell into his eyes and Cinder brushed it back with careful fingers. He snatched her hand from his face and held fast to both her hands. “I don’t really know what I’m doing, but with you, I never have. So Cinder, insert your last name of choice, will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

It was strange how the word slipped out of her mouth without her even thinking about it— there was no need for her to. For if there was one thing in this world that she was certain about, it was her love for Kai.

She pulled his face toward hers and kissed him. It felt much like their first kiss, except the flames had come early, dancing within her heart as she reveled in the idea of being his forever. She was a girl with no home and no last name— a girl once cursed to wander the earth alone for all eternity. But she had love; and in the end, that counted for more than anything else in the world.

[a-woman-apart]

Bittersweet

I woke up around 5 am today but I was fully rested. I slept like a baby.

I still have a couple days left to work at the library, but the nightshift crew (which was a good deal of the staff) got together to give me a card and say goodbye. There were hugs all around, and I felt really overwhelmed in the best way. It really was bittersweet. On the one hand, I am happy to be moving on, developing new skills, and exploring new opportunities; on the other hand, I am so sad to leave everyone. This is definitely the most dedicated and supportive staff I have ever worked with, and I spent almost 5 years at the library. We have seen a few people come and go, but I am still friends with some of them. I think this place leaves a permanent positive impact on most people who work here. The management are really good about being flexible with students, and students made up a good deal of the staff for a while.

Loneliness has been a huge problem for me lately. The whole on-again-off-again thing with my ex-boyfriend contributed to it greatly. It’s because he isn’t just an “ex”, he’s also my best friend and I’ve known him for 16 years. Not quite knowing how to move forward was tearing me apart. I did reach out to friends and family for advice and support, but I was conflicted about things for a really long time. Things are much better between us now, but it was really disastrous to navigate. I just felt really alone—even though I knew I wasn’t— and I think that contributed to me needing to be hospitalized (the other factors were poor health, financial instability, and lack of sleep). I was functioning in a zombie-state at work even though I probably seemed alright outwardly.

My mom came to stay with me and help me after I left the hospital. It was after she left that I realized how empty the apartment was with just me in it. It had felt perfect to me for 2+ years while I was in school and working and really needed an Introvert Den to chill in at the end of the day, but suddenly now that I had too much time on my hands and was lacking a sense of purpose it felt the space was too quiet and too still.

I say all this to say, that the outpouring of love and support from my co-workers really does mean a lot to me. It fills up those empty spaces quite a bit.

My family, too, despite any disagreements we might have, are a big source of strength and comfort for me. I haven’t been home in a few weeks, but my younger brothers and my mom coming to visit with me was so reassuring. I still want to go see my older brother, my younger sisters, my sister-in law, and the kids. I am still trying to tie up some loose ends with my new job and stuff, though. Also, one of my co-workers/friends wants to organize a get-together for us tomorrow. I guess it is in some ways a second send-off.

I made a new friend, too. He’s a library patron that I have really wanted to just sit down and have a conversation with for a while. It turned out that he was going to be leaving Texas right before I finally offered to try and stay in touch.

Sometimes I kind of think about what would’ve happened had I done things differently. What if I didn’t have the courage to take action? What if I ignored my gut and just went ahead with things that it was telling me not to do? I feel like I can ignore my intuition as much as I can, but it literally just rises up in me so strongly that I can’t keep disobeying it after a while. It is really hard to describe. Sometimes things just don’t feel right, and no matter how much I try I can’t stuff down that feeling anymore. Or, sometimes I feel really positively about a specific course of action, and even if I find logical reasons not to obey, I feel almost compelled to take the leap of faith.

Well, I leaped, and I landed on my feet. I found out that I have a lot more supportive and loving people in my life than I thought. I realized that I was valued more than I thought. I realized—and it sounds cliché—that I really am not alone.

I realized that I can trust myself.

I also realized some unfortunate truths; you can do the right thing, and everything can go wrong. That does not mean that you chose poorly. It just means that you need to let the situation play out and just see what happens.

Also, in many ways I may be “called” to a solitary kind of path. I think this is true for a lot of people, but lots of people come and go throughout my life. I lived an isolated childhood. I live by the saying “People are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I don’t hold on. I don’t cling. I treasure the time I have with each person, and then as we fall out of contact, I let it go. I do have some lifetime people—and for some reason, a lot of them live really far away from me. I have lifetime people that are in my area that I don’t see all the time. I realized that I don’t need to see them all the time—if the bond is strong, it remains.

Leaving social media definitely helped drive home to me who the people were who really wanted to be in my life. It’s easy to keep up with people on a very surface level, and then you realize that you don’t know each other that well or you don’t even have that much in common. Meghan Tonjes calls it “growing in different directions.” So why keep hanging on and just keeping up with those people in such an insincere way?

My close friends know they can text or call me, and they do. We’re not lurking on each other’s social media. If they read this blog, they don’t –just—read this blog. They actually talk to me and we actually do things and support each other.

There’s a reason why we’re “constantly connected” and ever in communication, but we feel super lonely. We’re not really connecting. We’re not really communicating. In some workplace cultures people send mundane emails when they might have been better off walking to that person’s office or cubicle and delivering that message directly. We do not respect each other’s time or autonomy. We have bought the capitalist message that life is a competition and we have to “sell” our portfolio (and personality) in order to deserve a place at the table.

You don’t have to do that. There is a place where your particular skills will be recognized, cherished, and valued. It may not be that place where you are currently trying to insert yourself. One of my closest friends was denied a job because he didn’t have the experience the employer wanted; only a short while later he was offered not just one position—but a choice of positions—at a place where he was considered the top applicant. He was still the same person with the same resume and skillset. He didn’t change. It was the opportunity that was different.

I think that stumps us, because we aren’t fully in control of what opportunities we get. We must seek them out, yes, but they also must be offered. We have to be in the right place at the right time, and honestly that has more to do with luck than anything else. However, if my friend had limited himself to just pursuing one kind of opportunity, he might have missed out. If he had been discouraged and quit, he might have missed out.

This is not an invitation to “hustle and grind until you get it”. He worked hard, but he didn’t have to struggle to convince the new employer of his worth. They saw it. It was always there.

Flexibility, openness, and patience are underrated traits, but they are so crucial to making it in this world. If you are fixated on That One Thing you often miss out on a wealth of opportunities that may be right under your nose. If you want to give up because it takes too long…well, don’t. Take a breather. Re-evaluate yourself. Try something else. Talk to people who may be able to offer you a new perspective.

I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a motivational speech about the evils of social media and the wonders of resilience, but here we are. Also, it is less about the evils of social media and about the importance of genuine relationships and sincere connection. It is about trusting the voice of your spirit, that really quiet one that always knows exactly what to do. It is less about the “right” choice and more about the one that is right for the circumstance. The right thing isn’t always pleasant or easy, but you will always feel a sense of ease inside knowing that you honored your values and convictions in whatever you did. It is about being open to new experiences and realizing that sometimes your “salvation” will not come from the hills, but it will come from the valleys.

[bruisedpeachx-blog]

You are a lush and beautiful outpouring of soul

“I am new here. To this self love.

To this whole love.

To this not changing for anyone, 

not apologizing to anyone,

sort of kind and pure love.

And I am never leaving.

// my heart is overflowing”

- Alison Malee 

Writing has become something that I really enjoy doing, but something that no longer feels like an obligation or something I will die without. Initially writing was my only outlet, but I’m doing so much more than surviving and sometimes I just don’t have the time to write anymore. It’s a beautiful thing to be in the moment. 

Two nights ago I went out with my friend Tyler and we had a really lovely time. I told myself that I don’t want to drink or go out until I feel more like myself, and more stable, but we went out and I had such an incredible time. We went to a few places in the city and eventually ended up at the Irish pub that we had gone to a week or two earlier. I really love this pub because of the music, the crowd, and how diverse it is. We made so many friends and had so many hilarious moments, and for the first time I didn’t feel sad at all throughout the night. Not even once. A guy asked me to dance and naturally I declined because I can’t dance at all, but with some prompting everyone ended up dancing and it was such a great moment and I had so much fun. We decided to the leave the pub to get food and we went next door and got pizza. Tyler was definitely the voice of reason and told me to stop talking to strangers, but I couldn’t help but walk up to every single person that I thought was beautiful or well dressed, and let them know. I felt so positive and so happy, and I just wanted everyone to know how lovely they looked. I thought of the effort that I had gone to just to look presentable, let alone do my hair, wear a dress, or hell paint my toe nails. I wanted them to know that their efforts weren’t going unnoticed, and it brightened so many people’s nights - as well as my own! Eventually I ended up sitting at a table with complete strangers and eating on their donuts. I had convinced myself that he had given me the donut, but Tyler let me know in the morning that I had definitely stolen it. I don’t think that I will ever forget that night and how much fun we had together. 

When I saw other couples I used to get sad. I used to feel resentment and self pity, and so many other negative emotions. The night that we went out I felt so happy for all of the happy couples that I saw. The people dancing together who would steal glances when the other person wasn’t looking, or the older married couple in the corner who would steal kisses, smile and people watch. I’m so full of love for all of those people and those relationships. I ended up dancing and laughing and smiling like a drunk fool all night, and that didn’t end when I made it home. When I got home I felt the overwhelming need to go live on Facebook and let all of my female friends know how beautiful they are, how incredible they are, and how thankful I am to have their presence in my life. Needless to say there are some very positive, but very embarrassing videos that have been posted, and I know that when I think back on Brisbane when I’m back home - this night will be one of the ones I talk about. I’ve realized that I’m not insecure about every single attractive female, and that I don’t view them as competition. I love all of the beautiful women who are in my life, or who I see on the street. I don’t feel threatened by these people or feel the need to compare myself. I’m so glad that I came to the realization that I was made to feel this way because of a lack of communication and dishonesty. I’m so grateful to be at peace with the fact that it really was you, not me. 

Today I went to work and I felt positive, enthusiastic and ready for the day. It was pouring rain outside and the Valley streets were close to flooding - but I loved it. There is something so special about Brisbane rain. The entire morning consisted of listening to Ben Howard, Bon Iver, and Vampire Weekend - and I couldn’t have felt more content. 

After work I ended up going to Heya with Cam and Sarah to wait out the rain before going home. We had a couple of beers, played pool (I won!), and had amazing dumplings! Cam has become one of my most consistent friends here in Brisbane, and by extension I’ve met so many great people. Once again beers were free tonight, and we were put on doors for Vallis Alps next Sunday! It’s a surreal feeling to feel so supported, and to have connections, company, and friends here in Brisbane. Tonight we sat and talked about mental health and things that have happened and where we’re all at now, and although that seems like really depressing bar banter, it was really refreshing to talk to such down to earth people. Cam let me know that he would write down all of the comic book related Netflix shows in chronological order so I would have something to keep me occupied on my days off, and invited me out the next time he goes record shopping. It’s so refreshing to have a group of friends that I really care about, all of which are so diverse. I’ve never cherished other people more than I do right now. 

In two days time I go to Byron Bay and I could not be more excited. I can’t wait to see the lighthouse, to walk on the beach, and to see somewhere so beautiful feeling completely content and completely at peace. I felt this complete sense of dependency when I first arrived in Australia, and it took me being completely abandoned in an unfamiliar country to realize how capable and independent I am. I am so thankful to my friends for consistently supporting me, and for helping me get to where I want to be without expecting anything in return. I would give you the world if I could. 

My aunt is officially in a hospice now, and it’s been hard to not be able to speak with her as often as I would like. I message her every single day to let her know that I love her, and I just hope that someone is reading her those messages if she isn’t able. I also messaged my real dad and I let him know that I’m ready for the answers I was owed years ago, and naturally he didn’t respond. I’ve realized that it’s easier to be selfish, than to give people the explanations that they deserve. I’ve also come to the realization that this isn’t a reflection of me, but rather the other people who have yet to come to terms with the why behind their actions. 

I am so thankful for the people in my life. I used to passively say that I hated people and that socializing was a task, and maybe that’s what every angst filled young adult is supposed to say - but I’ve realized that isn’t true for me. The second you literally have no one and you’re forced to come to terms with your own solitude, you learn who you are as a person, but you also learn the impact of a kind gesture, a compliment, or even a smile. I hope that this feeling never leaves me and that I can continue to be kind, soft, accepting, and honest. 

To the person who I thought broke me, thank you. I'm saying this in the most honest way possible, with zero passive aggression or condescension. I would never wish what I felt on another human being and I would never wish this experience on another person, but I would wish this growth on everyone who is struggling. I don’t think that I’ve ever felt at peace with who I am as a person, and I know that dishonesty didn’t help me feel validated or more secure in that sense, but you forced me to be at peace with who I am - because I was all I had. When this initially happened I was praying that one day you would wake up and want me back, or realize that you had made a mistake. I don’t wish that anymore. The only thing I wish for you is that one day you truly understand and come to terms with what you did to another person. I hope you realize that although you can make excuses and pretend that I had a choice, you forced someone into survival mode. You used someone’s body after you broke their mind and their heart, and then you dropped them off at an empty, unfamiliar apartment. I hope you sit and truly think about what you allowed another person to give up for you, when you knew the entire time that you weren’t capable or ready. I hope you know that I don’t miss you anymore, I don’t want an explanation anymore, and I don’t want your company anymore. I do want for you what you wanted for yourself, mental clarity. I hope that one day you’re capable of giving yourself to someone so completely, that they’re able to break you the way that you broke me. But I hope that when you do give all of yourself to another person the way that I did, they make the right decision and they care for you properly. Thank you for showing me that I deserve this fulfilling relationship with myself, and that I deserve to be soft even after I became so hard and guarded. 

I am so excited to think about seeing Touche Amore and Basement, and to think about experiencing Seattle after being away from that city for over a year. I am so excited to be in Calgary for ten days, and I am so eager to start a new adventure in Vancouver. I am also so thrilled to say that I will be traveling to Ireland, Barcelona, and Iceland in 2018 and that flights are finalized. It is so surreal to say that Vancouver will be my home, but that I’ll be able to experience all of these wonderful places in 2018. 

“When a flower doesn’t bloom,

You fix the environment in which it grows

Not the flower”

- Unknown

[fasterpussycatblog]

Queens of the Round Table : Angel Olsen - My Woman

Crikey, I haven’t written in so damn long. Getting caught up in work and life in general, I didn’t realise how much I’d neglected my baby (this silly blog).

I promised myself that when I came back, I would split the theme somewhat where subject matter is concerned. Still being obsessed with a good old female lead in anything (from film to music to any art form really) I wanted to write about something that I felt as deeply in love with as I do about film.

As it happens, whilst I was away I had amassed a rather large vinyl collection that if I’m being honest, is 99% femme. It seemed like a no brainer to link the two sumbitches up. Music for the first half of the week, movies for the second.

So the amateur at best writing doth continue.

Picking which artist and album to write about first was a challenge. 

Some of my collection is old release-date wise. Some came out last month. So I figured I’d pick an album that came out last year that probably blew me away more than any other release of 2016.

My Woman by Angel Olsen.

The only way to convey how much of a fucking juggernaut this woman is would be from a personal level. Because that’s where Angel reaches you : on a deeply personal level.

We’ve all had songs in our lifetime that have touched us deeply. The kind of sound that you’d be genuinely entitled to feel was written for you and you alone. Angel Olsen writes these songs seemingly as easy as we find breathing in. 

Being a punk rock fan, it’s safe to say that my musical kicks come from fast and loud. I’m never at my most alive than when I’m cranking some Bikini KIll or Lunachicks and bouncing around the joint mentally smashing the place up ;-)

So if I’m being honest, folk music had mostly bored me to tears. I guess I’m so used to the immediacy of being kicked in the face by sound that anything less sounded plodding in comparison.

I can’t lie. My new deep love for folky folk didn’t necessarily start with Olsen. I’d become completely enamoured with an artist called Julia Jacklin. All the songs on her Don’t Let The Kids Win album made me feel like I was in a dreamy state that I never wanted to leave. Comments sections, forum posts and respected music sites, when talking about Jacklin, would mention Angel. Every time. 

Whilst Julia has said herself that Olsen is who inspired her to start writing her own tracks, they both invariably invoke very different feelings when listened to. Different state, both destinations as beautiful as each other.

I was a bit sceptical at first. I was reading “if you like this you’ll love Angel Olsen” seemingly everywhere. A lot of times I feel like an outpouring like this usually leads to the artist being a somewhat watered down and/or accessible version of what you originally love.

Jesus wept on a bike was I wrong for believing my own bullshit theories whilst contemplating listening to Olsen.

This woman is an atheists version of what an angel on earth would be like. And I’m a sorry ass fool for even contemplating not listening to her.

Like probably most new converts to the Church of Angel, my introduction to her was through the single for this album Shut Up Kiss Me. A rocking pop song that is as infectious as it is adept at aurally kicking tail. I was obsessed with this song for weeks before I bought My Woman.

To say that this isn’t a representation of the albums tone as a whole is an understatement. As much as I adore this single, I don’t think a whole album of pop-rock anthems would have left me in the same ear paradise that My Woman as a whole would do.

After the intro song Intern draws to a close, the album spends the next 3 tracks in between uplifting positivity and multi-layered sadness. A lot of artists would kill to be able to capture the merging of these two very opposite feelings. Olsen meanders the line like a pulled over drunk attempting the walking sobriety test. She makes it seem effortless because when you hear herunique voice, it truly feels like she lives every word that escapes her mouth.

Make her a national treasure right now please murica.

So it’s a great start then. What happens next would be potential turned to failure in lesser hands : the album slows down. And only gets slower until it’s end. 

A classic album takes you on a journey. Whether it’s emotionally or musically. Sometimes both. It would build you up and bring you down before building you back up even better than before. Making a whole album progressively get slower would be like an epic race between some of the best athletes in the world then halfway through they all agree to just fuck it and walk the rest of the way. Or something like that. I digress.

But this is where Miss Olsen grabs you by the mams/balls (mammary balls?) and takes you not on a conventional music journey, but a journey all her own. And the ride is gorgeous.

The entirety of My Woman is with full band. The layers don’t lessen any as the album moves along. But it feels like Angel opens up her very soul more as it it progresses. Thus, it would be easy to think that, as the album slows down, and the songs get more personal, the whole thing has just been stripped down to just a voice.

And that’s what makes My Woman such a modern masterpiece and why I would fall head over heels for folk music.

There are some wonderful riffs on this. Wicked bass. Awesome drumming. But it’s all about the voice here. Her lungs emit such enigmatic beauty that they are an instrument all their own. And seeing her perform these songs live on KEXP or the Tiny Desk Concerts, you can see her in a trance. Truly experiencing every note that comes out.

So I love a good aural kick in the face with my music. 3 billion miles an hour driving punk rock to the mammary balls. But my God has Angel Olsen shown me that,, the most beautiful experience to the ears and heart is a single, solitary, cherished voice.

Thank you for your time xxx  

[sparepart11]

Ramble On

So, last year I went through a bit of a difficult time (didn’t we all) but what arose from it was one of the greatest outpourings of love an generosity I may ever get to experience.  I have great friends and they keep reminding me how very lucky I am regardless of any superficial circumstances.  One of the things given to me, alongside a day of love and support that I will always cherish, was a Playstation 4 and a joke from one that they wanted me to review all the games I got that day here.  The least I could do is fulfill that wish, whether it be a jest or not so here is the first entry in that series:

Overall, the game was very well put together.  It checks the boxes for all you would want in a gaming experience.  The combat was frenzied, if a bit simple, and the ways you could tackle the various challenges in the game were varied enough that you might even find yourself taking on tasks multiple times just to try out new things.  It is open world, and if you never wanted to get along with the game you would never really have to.  The aspect that really wins me over when it comes to this particular game is, I suppose I will call it the battlefield politics aspect, maneuvering around the different uruk lieutenants in the power structure and having fun at the multitude of ways you can cut off the head of the war machine of Mordor.  The game keeps internal statistics and does some fun things with them such as having one of the final fights be the warchief that has done you in the most throughout the game.

As for the negative, the reason the manipulation of the chieftains stands out as such a positive is that everything else feels kind of uninspired.  The combat, while fun, was pretty much straight from the Arkham games.  Combine that with the assassins creed Parkour and the Lord of the Rings wallpaper and sometimes you get the feeling that this game was assembled purely as a cash grab rather then an inspired piece of creation.  That’s not to say anything was executed particularly poorly, but it left the product feeling bloated and the open world didn’t help it gain any direction.

It would be disingenuous to say that the game was bad though, playing through it was fun and it seldom felt like a chore.  Because of the ease of the Arkham style combat system you were able to take on hordes without breaking much of a sweat, which I’m not sure such high flying heroics fit the overall gritty tone of the game itself.  I reread this post and see my thoughts are becoming disjointed as I go, which in and of itself is appropriate.  Nothing that is being added is wrong at all, but it doesn’t stop everything from being a pile of thoughts haphazardly stapled together.  As I said, it isn’t bad in any stretch of the imagination and I would be lying if I gave it any less then seven beheaded uruk... out of ten.