#i realized i still don't know what the months are in turkish

[flowery-mess]

I'm watching a turkish telenova rn so that's why I'm requesting this specific thing.

What if teen noah and teen reader got pregnant, but he's like, "I've got a band and no time for a child, get out" and readers being a badass and is like "k, I'm moving back to Europe, raising this child and becoming a lawyer"

So daughters now 20 years old and a rock fan, hence why she goes to the rock am ring festival where bad omens are gonna perfome (she's not a big fan of them, she wants to see the other bands)

Noah spots her in the crowd and is like "yn?" And sends the security to get her backstage. She declines to go backstage bc of the stories of rammstein drugging and abusing their fans and tells the security "yns my mom tho" and boom Noah realizes that's his daughter. At the end of the festival the daughters waiting with her friend for her mom to pick them up when Noah approaches her and is like " i know ur mom" daughters like " prove it i,I don't believe u" so Noah's like " this is her birthday, her middle name is this and yada yada"

(Daughter not knowing that Noah is her das obviously, mom never mentioned any names just that he was trying to make it with his music)

She was like "oh cool, mom used to be friends with bad omens?" So they're talking and boom Mama pulls up and is Hella mad when she sees Noah buuut not because she's butthurt of what he did to her 20 years ago but bc she's mama bear and is like " u were a nobody when u hurt me but now ur a big Rockstar and have more power. So stay away from her"

Noah's obviously still in love with mom and is shook that she thinks that way of him.

Ik specific and long but if u wanna work with this imma love u forever. It could be like dad daughter things, where he realizes even tho she looks exactly like ger mom, they have same interest. Orr the mom and Noah could talk it out and eventually fall back in lovee.

I don't write about having kids, but I gave it a try so I hope you like it💗

Uf I don't think Noah would be like that, but let's get along with that scenario...

I think it would be only fair to the daughter to tell her the truth.

I'm not sure what her reaction would be, but I wouldn't tell her what Noah said in the past, she doesn't need to get hurt too.

So maybe tell her that he wasn't ready to be dad yet so they parted ways and you got back to Europe.

Daughter would listen to both sides, take it all in and make her own opinion.

She wouldn't feel any hate towards any of you, because despite being just 20 years old she's very mature.

But she would want to get to know Noah.

They would exchange numbers and keep in touch as he and the band continue festival season.

After they are back in the states, all three of you have a big call about finding a date when the daughter would come visit Noah in the states and stay with him for like a month.

Daughter attending college makes it easier with her semester starting in October, so you agree on date from middle of August to the end of Semptember.

After the date is set, Noah tells her he wants to talk to you alone for a minute.

You talk about what happened between you two and Noah apologizes.

Through the years all the hate and anger kind of dissapeared.

Mostly because you're proud of yourself for raising your daughter alone and making it on your own.

Noah is proud of you too.

And he would never ask you or your daughter to talk about him like her dad or ask her to call him dad, because he knows he doesn't earn that title yet. He just wants to get to know her.

But what he does is ask if you would want to come too.

And you're surprised.

Of course all of those feelings you had for him flashed through your mind when you saw him again. But also all the pain he put you through with his decision.

But before that happened he was amazing. He was great boyfriend and great person.

The thought about your daughter flying alone scared you, but you know she could make it and then she would be with Noah. And you were 100% sure he would keep her safe.

That's why you didn't mind her flying to the staes even if you and Noah haven't seen each other in 20 years.

But you coming too? That made you scared.

You were scared that you would fall in love with him again.

You made this new country your home, you have great place to live and amazing job.

You can't give that up for someone who left you when you needed him the most.

"Thanks, but no Noah. You know it's not a great idea. I trust you with her, she is adult so I will be supportive of you two getting to know eachother. But I'm not gonna turn my life upside down because of you again. I appreciate your apology, I will stay in touch with you, but please, only because of her."

Even though he asked you to just come to the states for month you knew him and you saw in his eyes what you saw 20 years ago.

Love? Feelings? Call it whatever you want, but you knew how going there with your daughter would end.

And you didn't need your heart broken again.

[ya-boi-coral]

Today I randomly remembered a man I met a couple years ago, during the pandemic, when I was seventeen and about to start testosterone. He was a Turkish man that stayed in a room in our house we rented on Airbnb, he was there to write a book about Colombian post-conflict, had a wife and two children waiting for him in turkey and missed them a lot.

As a trans teen he was one of the only adults who respected my gender identity and we quickly became friends, we used to go on walks at night and drink, he was a heavy drinker so I never tried to keep up. Imagine the terror that came over my mom when she realized I was taking nightly walks with a drunk 30 year old man I barely knew, she rightly scolded me and we kept the drinking inside the house and the walks during the day.

He also had me try raki and taught me how to play tavla, I talked with him about Colombian history and taught him about local typical foods, we talked about the communist music of our countries and I tried to teach him how to dance merengue.

He was a turkish ex-military with PTSD and I was a Colombian trans teenager with social anxiety, the only things we had in common was OCD, leftist political views and English as a second language. But, besides from my own dad (who coincidentally left for his mistress a week after he arrived) he's the only man I would have trusted back then, when trauma still had a tight grip on me and the insecurities characteristic of a pre-t trans guy made me feel out of place.

My early teenage years taught me that men can be horribly cruel and manipulative and the six months I spent in his company taught me that men can also be kind, that masculine men don't have to be heartless dicks or stoic walls. He was my masculine role model and I thank him for that, I don't know what kind of person I would have become if it wasn't for his friendship.

Sometimes I wonder what he would say if he saw me today, back then I was an anxious insecure thing, boyish in a girly way and so very fragile, I wanted to take up as little space and make as little noice as I could. Nowadays I'm still queer as fuck, but I stand proud on both my masculinity and my femininity. I'm phisically stronger but I'm still as flexible and agile as ever, I'm louder and more outgoing but I'm still very sensible and a great listener. I'm even dating a man right now, even though I had never felt comfortable enough to be with one before. I'm not a masculine guy but I'm a happy one and I think that alone would make him proud.

Sorry for the long text and I doubt anyone will find this, let alone read it all, but with pride month nearing it's end I can't help but hope someone resonates with this. If not, I'm still happy to have this somewhere I can find it later.

[suspicious-pools-of-blood]

Hi buddy! Its Athena, I'm sending this out to all my mutuals - what got you into writing, what inspires you, who inspires you and what music inspires you to write? what do you love about writing?

Hi Athena!

To be honest, I don't actually know when I first got into writing. Especially if we count the "daydreaming plotlines of stories that never actually get written down," I've been doing that since I was a kid. I guess I started writing in middle school; we'd get assignments in English class to write stories and I'd always get way too ambitious and perfectionist with it and have trouble keeping it as a short story haha. In eighth grade we had one such assignment that was open-ended enough that the story I came up with would have needed at least a full book to contain it all, so I ended up just submitting a chapter 1 with a "to be continued" at the end. I wrote bits and pieces here and there continuing that story, but for the most part it just lived in my brain for several years. High school English class was a lot more essay-based than middle school, but my tenth grade teacher was fond of fiction; we had one or two full short story assignments, but for the first few months we also would get weekly vocabulary homework that involved writing a (very) short story using that week's words, and I think that's what really got me into writing. Those were more like one-shots than full short stories, but it made me remember how fun writing fiction is (and it's also around that time that I started writing more predominantly angst/whump, which is now my bread and butter). I just checked my old google drive files and it looks like I started actually writing stuff down around 2017 and actually writing my main story -- which, although nearly unrecognizable now, is the same one I started in eighth grade -- towards the end of 2020.

Inspiration: I think I'm mostly inspired by (1) other media and (2) history, with heavy overlap between the two. Full disclosure, coming as no surprise to anyone who has talked to me for over 5 minutes, I watched Xena: Warrior Princess in 2020 and it permanently rewired by brain harder than anything else ever has. In my elementary school, everyone got their Greek mythology phase from reading Percy Jackson in class, but my English class was the only one that didn't read it, so none of us had that phase -- until I watched Xena, and the ancient Mediterranean became one of my primary hyperfixations. I was never much into history before, but I always loved the medieval vibe of fantasy (although I actually was never into high fantasy/magic worlds); my formative book series as a kid was the Ranger's Apprentice series by John Flanagan. (Side note, I think John Flanagan having written that series when he wasn't a writer previously was also influential for making me view writing as an activity with a very low bar for entry, so I didn't feel intimidated or like I shouldn't write just because I wasn't aiming for a career in writing.) So when I first started writing I defaulted to the generic run of the mill medieval-England-with-the-serial-number-filed-off setting that a lot of earth-like fantasy defaults to. By high school I think the setting had started to become more original, though still approximately equivalent to medieval Europe. But once I watched Xena, I realized that actually ancient Greece is so much cooler what the fuck. From there I watched some other stuff made by the same people who made Xena, including the STARZ Spartacus series, so I got generally into ancient history because of all that. I started reading a lot more nonfiction history books (as well as well-researched historical fiction, for the vibes) covering various civilizations of the ancient Mediterranean (not limited to Greece and Rome). I'm also half Turkish, so I was raised with the vague awareness that before the Turks there had been a number of great civilizations in Anatolia, from which we were partly descended (fun fact, my parents actually named me after one of those civilizations; it was one of my given middle names, but unfortunately no one told me it was based on that until after a decade of hating it because to me it was just a random girl's name and every time I mentioned not liking it my parents would be like "oh but it's a beautiful name" and I assumed it was just more of them being transphobic and not wanting me to change it to a boy's name lmao). I also sort of knew (though I didn't know the historical details) that our people migrated to Anatolia from central Asia a long time ago (tbc most Turks are genetically only very slightly Turkic, but a lot of cultural elements can be traced back to the nomadic lifestyle, even stuff as simple as our cuisine being a lot more dairy-based than other cultures in the area) and used to be nomadic warriors, what with the horseback archers and all that, so that inspired me for the whole other half of my setting. I also got into the history of the steppes, from the Mongols in the medieval era all the way back to the various peoples such as the Sarmatians or Scythians theorized to have been the basis for the Greek myth of the Amazons. And recently I started watching a Turkish show (okay, I started it like a year ago, it just has very long episodes that I have a really hard time sitting through) called Destan that is set in central Asia before the Turkic migration, and that's probably the biggest influence currently on my writing. [Stefon voice:] This show's got everything. Nomadic tribal politics and governmental organization, a strong female lead, so many strong female characters actually, horseback archery, a pet wolf, kurgans, fantastic fight choreography.

Whoops, wall of text. Here, have some line breaks.

I'll also add, for who inspires me, other writers on tumblr! For me this is more of a whump thing than a general writing thing; I used to feel suuuuuper self-conscious about writing fucked up shit (that was probably the biggest reason why I rarely wrote stuff down, because What If Someone Saw It) but now I open my dash and see way more fucked up shit than I could write lmao so idk if that counts as inspiration, but it definitely gets me past certain mental blocks to writing.

Music is a tough one, because I have OC playlists and whatnot, but those tend to be more "put them on and stare at an empty document for an hour" playlists than actual writing playlists. Sometimes I'll pick one specific song (or just a few) and put them on loop. If I have a song with lyrics associated with a specific scene, that might inspire me to write that scene, but for general writing inspiration I go more for either instrumentals or ~vibes~ music (a good example is Calyx Virago by Xandria, which fun fact is where my OC Calyx's name comes from).

My favorite part of writing is probably the end result. I write what I want to read (as evidenced by the fact that my story basically came about by putting all my hyperfixations into a blender and pouring out the results into a google doc), so I very much am the "Oh boy I can't wait for the next chapter! What do you mean I HAVE TO WRITE IT?!" type of writer lmao. That's also why I do a lot of story development in my head without writing things down, because I imagine scenes more like a movie, and then often have difficulty putting it into words in a way that sounds good. But if/when I do manage to do that well, it's gotta be my favorite part of the whole process.

[colourfullanguages]

So I’ve been having trouble remembering the days of the week in Turkish. And I wanted to do a photo vocab kinda post (cause I learn better with visuals) but it felt like a weird kinda thing to do for days of the week. So I decided to make a calendar for September! Feel free to use it if you want to

[help-me-im-old]

Hi, I am 29 and I haven't really liked myself since 1997. I was supposed to post this on my birthday. My birthday was on the 30th of September, it took me 5 days to sit down and start writing this whole thing. This type of overthinking and procrastinating has always controlled my life. I am always late, I overanalyze before I start and rarely finish on time if I could finish at all. When I am worried about being successful, I overthink, overanalyze and over-stress myself to a point of shutting down.

The same thing happened exactly a month ago when I tried to take bike lessons. I used to ride a bike back when I was a kid, then stopped and developed a fear of falling. The first hour of the class, it was going relatively ok. All of a sudden, I did shut down. All I could think was that I would be a failure if I did not go on. I was clenching every muscle in my body. My heart rate was 180 according to my smartwatch. I stopped everything, sat down, and sobbed. Looking back, it sounds bizarre and pointless to even care about something so insignificant but I did, I pushed myself to a point of breaking down. That breakdown was the moment I realized I have built my own walls and obstacles my whole life. The tangled mess of desire for perfection, fear of failure, never-ending obsessions and compulsions, procrastination, and the eventual running away that dominates my brain became apparent. I know it sounds like a sudden realization but I had been finding the pieces since early 2021. It was just the moment the picture became a whole.

I could have said a lot of things that day instead, I decided to make a list. It was the first summit of my enlightenment mountain. It made me look back to all the actions I took in the last 20+ years, all the trauma I faced, and all the reactions to them. I thought hard about the list that night. A list that prioritizes enjoying the process, rather than stressing over the outcome. I googled online bucket lists and realized I already did 60 percent of them but enjoyed roughly 5 percent. I did learn foreign languages, English and French because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I did travel alone and the whole time I wished I was not depressed. I did dye my hair purple (and every other color) but I still hated myself. I did stay awake for 36 hours, my record 50 hours to be exact but I doubt it counts because having a sleeping schedule is more of a challenge for me. I came to the grim conclusion, if I want to make my bucket list enjoyable for me, I need to stop trying to force myself to do stuff other people think is cool. I don't want to skydive, I don't want to buy a designer bag, I don't want to pet a crocodile. I want to do silly and creative stuff, I want to achieve things and I want to enjoy them. There had to be a balance between downright goofy stuff and serious goals so it actually felt fulfilling. Lastly, it had to avoid any vague statements and strict outcome-based points. In this house, we do not obsess over the destination anymore. We enjoy the ride.

Here is my list explained:

1. Learn Tarot. Because why not? Those cards are mystical and entertaining. They give me insight into how I actually feel about certain prompts.

2. Get my Driver’s License. I’ve never even tried to learn to drive because I am terrified of hurting someone/something. I am so worried that I will crash, it makes me sick to even imagine myself driving. The only reason this is on my list is that I want to challenge my boundaries.

3. Make a Kite and Fly it. Just sounds like a fun activity.

4. Buy Matching Bras + Panties. I’ve always wanted to buy at least one.

5. Learn Stars and Stargaze. I have been obsessed with the night sky since I was a kid. My name has the word moon (in Turkish: ay) in it and I legit thought I was the estranged princess of the moon when I was 6 or something. When I was 14 I would sit on the balcony and stargaze for hours. So, it only makes sense to pay tribute to that.

6. Play a Song on Mandolin. I have a short story about that. In middle school, we were forced to learn an instrument, either mandolin or recorder. (if you were already playing an instrument, you could continue on that one.) I tried mandolin for a year, hated how I could not excel immediately, and left it for good as soon as I graduated. This year, I decided to re-learn it just to give it a fair chance and I actually enjoy it. I am hoping I can play songs that I actually like this year.

7. Start a Youtube Channel. I don’t know I feel like I need to try to make some videos for fun. It might help me, might not. Can’t know without trying.

8. Try 5 new cuisines. Simple enough. If there is someone reading, leave a suggestion. (Anything but Middle Eastern/Mediterranean, please)

9. Create a Time Capsule. Honestly, why not?

10. Be able to speak French. I know French grammar, I understand French. I have my B2 level. However, I am deadly terrified of speaking French. If you ask me anything in French, I will smile and leave.

11. Go to a Festival. I have a love-hate relationship with festivals, they sound fun until I realize I need to be there with other people. I like it when I am there, I hate it when I am not.

12. Enter a Competition. Preferably an architectural design one because I am an architect (almost).

13. Do Shadow Work and Journal Regularly. There have been things I have been hiding and suppressing for so long, it is about time that I face them and grow.

14. Invest in my Body. It is just a cute way of saying, I need to get in shape, be active and try to stay healthier because I have way too many illnesses. I have lost 9 kg (20 lbs) in the last 3 months (down from 101kg/222lbs to 92kg/202lbs) by not eating things I am intolerant to (milk & gluten). The best part is my IBS is manageable now. I also cut off refined sugar because it triggered inflammation in my body. I am not in favor of diet culture but I am actually feeling better physically. I am trying my best not to get in an unhealthy mindset about food, I try to be an intuitive eater and I reason things I can’t eat with physical conditions.

15. Learn to solve a Rubik’s Cube. This is a funny one because I can almost solve one. I just never learned to solve the last face. It is that the idea of finishing something makes me anxious.

16. Become a Baroness (in Sealand?). I really enjoy the concept of Sealand, not only that I also think it is amusing to buy yourself a 50 Euro royal title.

17. Get Ceramics Lesson. Something I have always wanted to do. The only problem is I don’t do well in a class setting but it is impossible to have a ceramics studio at home.

18. Plant a Tree. Trees are great, I would need to take care of it too and I don’t know if I am ready for that kind of commitment.

19. See a Caretta Caretta. I have lived in Turkey my whole life and have never seen a Caretta Caretta. Can you believe that?

20. Go on a Blind Date. Sounds interesting? Might be a horrible idea. I will need to ask someone I trust to refer me to someone they trust.

21. Become a Tourist in İstanbul. I was born and raised in Istanbul and honestly, I’d rather sit in a dark room for 8 hours than be at Grand Bazaar. I always go there to actually buy something though. As long as I pretend to be an aimless tourist, it might be an interesting experience.

22. Ride a Hot Air Balloon in Kapadokya. The only reason for this one is the last time I was there we were in a hurry.

23. Get very Flexible (Yoga, Pilates, etc.). I am naturally very flexible. (might be hypermobility) but I am not good at controlling it.

24. Learn to Dance. Why not? There is nothing to lose, other than time and money.

25. Write a Dumb Book + Publish it. Sci-fi novella, precisely. Just to be able to say I tried. Anyone interested, I may tell the full story.

26. Learn to Code. I have been learning Python for a while now. I would like to get better and actually code something.

27. Sew my Own Clothes. I am a very crafty person. As a result of being a very easily bored introvert, I’ve learned to distract myself with alone activities. I can sew, knit, and crochet, do embroidery, make small sculptures, paint and whatnot. There are some clothing items I would like to have but I can’t find them anywhere. Let’s make them at home?

28. Learn to do Latte Art. I can't even drink animal milk or soy milk. I don't know what was my reasoning behind this.

29. Have a Small Herb Garden. I cook a lot and use copious amounts of herbs (and spices), it might be fun to grow them. It might be good practice for keeping plants alive.

30. Graduate. Lastly, I still have my diploma project from university, I am scared to do it. I believe doing this will help me get to a new chapter in my life.

Note: I can't believe it took me 23 days to post this.

[lunam00na]

Top 5 mistakes I made when moving cross-country

So, I figured this would be a good enough introductory post as any. I'm going to start off with a little back story just to clue you in on how I came to make these mistakes, and hopefully you'll be more prepared than I was if and when you do the big move.

In 2018 I decided to move from a very rural town in the Eastern United States to Finland. Keep in mind I had lived in this same town my entire life; my graduating class was only a few hundred people, and I had NEVER flown on a plane before. Yeah.

Yikes.

Why move so far away, you ask? Oh, don't worry, I'm getting to that part. In December of 2017 I met a guy online, from this website I had been using off and on since middle school. He and I clicked instantly, and we both fell down the deep dark rabbit hole you call love. Yep. Twitterpated.

So a few months after we had been dating, we jumped the gun and decided I would fly there to meet him and if all went well, meaning I didn't get chopped up into little bits and sent back in a suitcase (as my friends and coworkers teased), we would get married.

Picture it, Sicily 19... Something rather... Small town girl from rural farming area meets Finnish city boy. Anyway, enough about that, it can be a blog for another time.

So there's how I came to make these mistakes...

1) FOOTWEAR

- Guys, I cannot stress to you enough how much this matters. I wore FLIPFLOPS throughout my ENTIRE journey to Finland. In total I believe I flew for around 18 hours.. Went through like 4 different airports. By the time I made it to my husband's apartment my feet were basically nonexistent. For a frequent flier this may not be an issue, but for someone who doesn't fly or travel often... For the love of God don't wear sandals.

2) LUGGAGE

- Travel lightly, but not too lightly. Originally before the move I had purchased a gigantic pink wheely suitcase from Walmart. Had full intention of stuffing that bad boy to the brim with clothes. But a couple days before my flight was leaving I realized if I had this huge suitcase I would have to check it on every single flight and drag it around through every airport, and risk it getting lost or tampered with during the process. So, I took the big pink monster back and heavily downgraded... To a backpack. Yup. Just your avaerage sized backpack with one or two zipper compartments. Needless to say I had to be very choosy with what I packed, so I packed some jeans, leggings, a few nice shirts and some undergarments. Along with my makeup bag, which had been thoroughly sorted through beforehand, and a hairbrush. Somehow throughout all this I had forgotten to pack my toothbrush, so my husband brought me one to the airport so I could brush my teeth as soon as I landed. LOL. Great first impression. Anywho - admist all the chaos and nerves I didn't take into account that I would probably be sweaty after all that walking.. Running... And panicking... Through the airports. So I didn't bring any shampoo or soap with me, and honestly probably wouldn't have had any room for any either because of my downgrade. After struggling to catch each flight I was a complete mess when I finally landed in Helsinki. My hair was greasy and I was sweaty and had changed into every single article of clothing that I had packed into that backpack. So if you want to make a good first impression on your potential spouse, do not be like me. Use a larger suitcase or backpack and pack your items more efficiently.

3) RESEARCH

- This one is fairly short and to the point. Do your research!!! Google the airports you will be using, the airlines, the countries you're passing through and their currencies! I did very little of this prior to flying and boy did I make a mistake. I was completely at a loss in each airport I visited. If it weren't for kind strangers and the airport staff I probably wouldn't have made it onto all my flights. I had 0 idea how airports worked. Google is your friend!

4) AIRPORT FOOD

- By now you all probably know I'm an idiot, so, I have no shame in telling you the rest at this point. If you can at all avoid it... Don't buy the food from the vendors inside the airport. Legitimately everything inside these airports are overpriced. I had very little emergency/travel money with me, so I tried to save as much as possible during my trip. Alas, I was hungry and weary from my journey so I decided to try some weird, over-priced, turkish food that I'd never before seen or heard of in my life... And some fancy ice cream... And some cool looking soda from some small convenience store... And a steak dinner from some restaurant from NY. I was stress eating, okay. Not to mention the fact that when I landed in Oslo my phone was dead and upon looking for a charging port I discovered that all the outlets were shaped differently. I had no clue that outlets were shaped differently in EU, so I had to go and spend like 20 euros on an adaptor for my charger. Refer to number 3(do your research).

5) DON'T ASSUME

- This is probably the most important one. Don't assume that everything is going to go smoothly or be easy. I assumed a lot of things about moving to Finland and I was wrong about most of those assumptions. I assumed once I was here it would be easy to find work and start studying. It wasnt. I am still searching for a job or a university to study at and it is now 2020. I assumed that I would be fine traveling for the first time by myself to a foreign country. I assumed that my then boyfriend and I would have the same connection in person that we did online - thankfully I was correct about that one. But it all could have gone so wrong. I could have missed my connecting flights or got stranded in NY or Oslo. I could have actually gotten chopped up into little bits and shipped back to the States in a suitcase, just like my coworkers and friends told me. But thankfully I didn't. All in all, I wouldn't change being here with my husband for anything. Despite how difficult and stressful... And exhausting my travels were to get here. Hopefully you won't make the same mistakes as I did when you decide to take your journey.

Thanks for having a look, will be posting more blogs soon! If you have any questions or suggestions for my next post, shoot me a PM. Would love to hear your suggestions.

Until next time, Lunam00na

[uzakhikaye]

I was looking at Goodreads today and somehow I ended up looking at a list of steampunk novels - which then led me to clicking on a couple of Jules Verne books. I mean I did love them as a child.

And my wonderful brain was like why don't I just read all of his works? - Then it realized that would mean reading almost a hundred books and that ain't getting done quickly, which means I'm probably not following through with it, because follow-through seems to be a super power that I failed to manifest in the last 31 years.

Then my brain was like oh why don't I read my childhood faves - BUT IN FRENCH.

Reader, I do not speak French. I have never taken a French course in my life. I am, however, able to read some French because Turkish took a lot of words from it, and it is a European language, and I am just kinda good at languages, but believe me when I say that reading a book in French, no matter how short it may be, would be quite exhausting - if not impossible for me.

But for one short moment there I had this rush of excitement about starting this crazy-ass nonsensical project, which would have probably unraveled into me teaching myself French. It almost became my next hyperfixation, and I still feel the excitement when I think about it. I am so, so tempted, you can't even imagine.

Which brings me to my point: It is kinda exhausting to live like this.

I have a million things to do since we move next month. I have a PhD to finish.

You know what I did in the last 3 years instead of finishing my PhD? I took up sewing, renovated a whole ass room, took several electronic devices apart and fixed them, and fucking taught myself how to code.

I mean these skills on their own are not completely useless, but I sometimes wish I could just fucking do what I'm supposed to do instead of teaching myself a new skill, BUT I CAN'T STOP.

Also, the German healthcare can go fuck itself with its lack of therapists.

[thisnerdsadventures]

a 2021 update

Ah, so I have forgotten to update in a million years, per usual

~ Random thought section ~

I woke up this morning and read this tweet thread about Alice Wu's director's note for her movie The Half of It. It's streaming on Netflix, and I highly encourage to go watch it, it's probably one of my favorite movies from the past few years. Anyways, she talks about how she produced the film while digesting the heartbreak of a friendship breakup - the whole thread hit me on a different level, but here's a quote that really hit home for me, especially a month from graduation: "The end of the film is each of their beginnings. And for my characters, I can think of no happier ending." We spend a lot of time worrying about the end of things and the uncertainty of things to come. Yet, there was a time where we worried about the exact same things for the very chapter we are now so nervous about leaving.

1. I'm nervous about leaving school and starting the..... rest of my life???

2. I'm nervous that my friends will slowly fade away. I'm nervous that they'll get on with their lives and I'll be slowly still trying to get my bearings, stuck in limbo.

3. I'm nervous that starting adulthood will be difficult because there are no more college orientations, no more awkward freshman dinners, perfect opportunities to meet new friends who are just as nervous as you are.

In writing this out, I felt a sense of deja-vu, like I had written these words before. So I just looked back at some of my posts right before entering college, and lo and behold:

08-18-2016: Today I said goodbye to one of my closer friends, and i realized that without even knowing it, Sunday’s party was the last time I would see some of my closest friends. It’s awful that way, that you don’t even know it’s the last time until it’s passed, and you’re left to pick up the the end of a chapter of a relationship from the scraps of an unexpected and improper farewell.

I feel like I’m in a weird twilight zone between college and high school where my present friends are all beginning to fade away to move on in their lives, and I’m yet to really meet anyone in my class yet, so at the moment,,,,,,there really isn’t anyone.

I wrote this less than a week from moving to Boston, and it's so shocking to me that I also experienced the "unexpected and improper farewell" part in senior year. It's almost the exact same thing that happened in COVID and is continuing to happen. You never know when the last time you might see someone might be, except instead of consolidated over the course of one pre-college summer, it's over the course of more than a year, the time that this pandemic has been going for.

And I hate that I said the "fade away and move on" thing verbatim, literally nearly five years ago. To be honest though, it's true, a lot of them did fade away and move on. But so did I, I wasn't left behind. To some extent, I was the one who did a lot of the moving away. And like many things in life, a couple of us continue to hang around, and maybe our friendships cycled in and out over college, but have come around again after a few years. I guess those are the ones that you know will stick around. The limbo period between chapters is a hard one, and it's nice to know that present-day me isn't the only one who has felt this. It's nice to know that past me met so many incredible people so fast, that I forgot this limbo period happened.

I know this part is getting a little long, but there's just a couple more snippets I want to share:

08-13-2016: I recently read Marina Keegan’s essay The Opposite of Loneliness, and one line resonated with me a lot: We’re so young. It seems silly and almost pretentious for me to think that this party would be so final, and yet it does, even though we have decades upon decades to build and connect or reconnect.

We’re so young, but that doesn’t stop the understanding that we are going to a new chapter in our lives and that it’s going to redefine our relationships. I hope it doesn’t change them too much.

I suppose much of the anxiety of going to college results from having to build my own community from the ground up again.... I tell myself the pieces will fall together and everything will be ok, but it doesn’t stop the increasing anxiety from, well, increasing.

I loved this collection of essays, if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. In moving around for so many years, I haven't been able to keep a lot of books in my possession, but I kept this one because that essay really hit home for me, and continues to, no matter what part of life I'm currently experiencing.

I think moving to college did change my relationships. But change is not a bad thing - your childhood friendships, the few of them that survive, end up strengthening and growing into adult friendships. And in the end, isn't that better than not changing at all? I'm hoping that a few of my college friendships will do that too - we'll go from college friends to family friends, and my kids will call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and they'll grow up watching their parents talk for hours in the front yard before finally getting in the car and leaving for home.

08-13-2016: But hey, this is part of what I signed up for, I knew I wasn’t going to have much of an initial safety net, but I’m sure I’ll survive. We, as humans, always find a way to adapt right?

I think I survived and adapted. Not in the way I saw things going, but we can never really fully predict things, can we? One day, I'll learn to give myself a safety net for the next chapter, I'm sure. Today's not that day though.

Going back to her director's note, there was one more thing that just struck an emotional chord for me:

Fun fact, Alice Wu actually went to MIT for a bit before transferring to Stanford, and then she became a software engineer at Microsoft! I relate a little too much to her. Maybe one day I too will dump coding for my art form. But for now, in this above example, I relate far too much. I worked on my album, Imperfect, a little too obsessively this past winter while trying to digest the throes of heartbreak from one of my own friendships that ended. I still don't know if there was an ending for that friendship. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to put off the end, like a TV series that just keeps adding more and more seasons. Regardless of whether it needs to end or not (which I have not decided and will continue not to do so), I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before and after that friendship, and I've concluded that a lot of who I am now, what my life looks like now is a result of that friendship. I'll give you a hint: I really like who I am now, compared to who I was before, and it showed me a lot of parts of life and friendship that I never expected would happen. That friendship was (is?) one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life.

Let's finish off this reflective post with a quote from Khalil Gibran, that's kinda related to that point about how transformative the past can be, and how we're far better off in future chapters of our lives because of it.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Again, if you haven't read his collection of poems, you should absolutely 100% drop whatever you're doing right now and do so! Wow, I really just assigned an entire reading list in this post.

I hope in making this movie, Alice found peace. I would hesitate to say that I found peace when making my album. I wrote a lot of songs about the heartbreak I felt from that whole experience. But the last song I wrote, "Best Friends," ends the whole thing on a positive note, that at the end of the day, I remember how my friends (past and present) literally saved my life and how things are looking a little better, and whatever happens, I hope my best friends will be there waiting for me, whoever they end up being.

- OK I PROMISE I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE 100% SO EMO -

But yeah, I haven't really been doing much otherwise? I guess just tryna stay alive, I've been cooking a lot and cooking a lot of good good food, I did apply to an MBA program, I got my COVID vaccine (second shot this week!), I am excited to announce I am publishing a paper in my MEng lab, which is a really big accomplishment imo, I am thriving in my (1) econ class that I kept, even though I didn't realize we had readings assigned like for the past month, I went to try pastries from this Turkish bakery, I biked, probably, 15 miles over the past month, I've read at least 4 or 5 books this year so far, and am hoping to knock another one out today. Currently dying because trying to finish my thesis in like . a week, which is looking a little challenging, but I'm sure it'll happen!!!??

[nebris]

Don't expect me to be sane anymore

In 1932, months after first meeting in Paris and despite both being married, Cuban diarist Anaïs Nin and hugely influential novelist Henry Miller began an incredibly intense love affair that would last for many years and, along the way, generate countless passionate love letters. Below, in my humble opinion, is one of the most powerful examples, written by Miller in August of 1932 shortly after a visit to Nin's home in Louveciennes

.originally from A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller, 1932-1953; Images: Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller via here & here.

August 14, 1932 Anais: Don't expect me to be sane anymore. Don't let's be sensible. It was a marriage at Louveciennes—you can't dispute it. I came away with pieces of you sticking to me; I am walking about, swimming, in an ocean of blood, your Andalusian blood, distilled and poisonous. Everything I do and say and think relates back to the marriage. I saw you as the mistress of your home, a Moor with a heavy face, a negress with a white body, eyes all over your skin, woman, woman, woman. I can't see how I can go on living away from you—these intermissions are death. How did it seem to you when Hugo came back? Was I still there? I can't picture you moving about with him as you did with me. Legs closed. Frailty. Sweet, treacherous acquiescence. Bird docility. You became a woman with me. I was almost terrified by it. You are not just thirty years old—you are a thousand years old. Here I am back and still smouldering with passion, like wine smoking. Not a passion any longer for flesh, but a complete hunger for you, a devouring hunger. I read the paper about suicides and murders and I understand it all thoroughly. I feel murderous, suicidal. I feel somehow that it is a disgrace to do nothing, to just bide one's time, to take it philosophically, to be sensible. Where has gone the time when men fought, killed, died for a glove, a glance, etc? (A victrola is playing that terrible aria from Madama Butterfly—"Some day he'll come!") I still hear you singing in the kitchen—a sort of inharmonic, monotonous Cuban wail. I know you're happy in the kitchen and the meal you're cooking is the best meal we ever ate together. I know you would scald yourself and not complain. I feel the greatest peace and joy sitting in the dining room listening to you rustling about, your dress like the goddess Indra studded with a thousand eyes. Anais, I only thought I loved you before; it was nothing like this certainty that's in me now. Was all this so wonderful only because it was brief and stolen? Were we acting for each other, to each other? Was I less I, or more I, and you less or more you? Is it madness to believe that this could go on? When and where would the drab moments begin? I study you so much to discover the possible flaws, the weak points, the danger zones. I don't find them—not any. That means I am in love, blind, blind. To be blind forever! (Now they're singing "Heaven and Ocean" from La Gioconda.) I picture you playing the records over and over—Hugo's records. "Parlez moi d amour." The double life, double taste, double joy and misery. How you must be furrowed and ploughed by it. I know all that, but I can't do anything to prevent it. I wish indeed it were me who had to endure it. I know now your eyes are wide open. Certain things you will never believe anymore, certain gestures you will never repeat, certain sorrows, misgivings, you will never again experience. A kind of white criminal fervor in your tenderness and cruelty. Neither remorse nor vengeance, neither sorrow nor guilt. A living it out, with nothing to save you from the abysm but a high hope, a faith, a joy that you tasted, that you can repeat when you will. All morning I was at my notes, ferreting through my life records, wondering where to begin, how to make a start, seeing not just another book before me but a life of books. But I don't begin. The walls are completely bare—I had taken everything down before going to meet you. It is as though I had made ready to leave for good. The spots on the walls stand out—where our heads rested. While it thunders and lightnings I lie on the bed and go through wild dreams. We're in Seville and then in Fez and then in Capri and then in Havana. We're journeying constantly, but there is always a machine and books, and your body is always close to me and the look in your eyes never changes. People are saying we will be miserable, we will regret, but we are happy, we are laughing always, we are singing. We are talking Spanish and French and Arabic and Turkish. We are admitted everywhere and they strew our path with flowers. I say this is a wild dream—but it is this dream I want to realize. Life and literature combined, love the dynamo, you with your chameleon's soul giving me a thousand loves, being anchored always in no matter what storm, home wherever we are. In the mornings, continuing where we left off. Resurrection after resurrection. You asserting yourself, getting the rich varied life you desire; and the more you assert yourself the more you want me, need me. Your voice getting hoarser, deeper, your eyes blacker, your blood thicker, your body fuller. A voluptuous servility and tyrannical necessity. More cruel now than before—consciously, wilfully cruel. The insatiable delight of experience. HVM

[moderncolors]

A long, long time ago, before marriage and kids, I was quite the little belly dancer. I was 23, I worked part time, and lived with my parents. I had nothing but time to devote to learning belly dance. I danced and practiced FOUR HOURS and day. Four hours! Now I can't even bring myself to do drills for 10 minutes without freaking out that I'm not going to have enough time to finish dinner before the husband gets home from work. I kind of stumbled into learning belly dance. I wasn't really familiar with it, nor did I know there were lessons for such a thing. I knew Shakira was supposed to be a belly dancer but I never really looked into what that was. One day I bought  an East Coast Tribal instructional DVD on a whim, tried it out and I was hooked. I had to know more about this "belly dance".  I bought a 3-disc box set for beginners starring Neena and Veena and became obsessed. Learning to make my body do things I had no idea it could possibly do made me feel like a freaking goddess and watching the progress of my strength and endurance build day by day was incredibly fulfilling. I gained confidence and sculpted my body into something I had always wanted!  23 year old me after a 40-lbs weight loss thanks to diet and belly dance! One day my boyfriend (now husband) and I came across a man playing a sitar outside a coffee shop and a wonderful friendship was created. He introduced us to drumming the djembe and doumbek and a belly dancer was born! We held small drum sessions every Sunday and I danced and taught other people how to dance if they wanted to learn. It was so much fun! I still belly dance but I switched my focus to learning Russian Gypsy skirt dancing for the sake of more "authentic" renaissance faire entertainment. (I used to play Daniella Noir the Gypsy Queen at the Texarkana Renaissance Faire by the way). In my 8 years of belly dancing I've learned that the point of belly dance isn't to learn how to make your belly roll or how to shake it like Shakira, or even to look good in a two-piece sequined costume. Your goal should be to have fun gaining confidence, building strength, endurance, and mad body control. Hey look it's me as Daniella Noir the Gypsy Queen at the Texarkana Renaissance Faire. ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ BEFORE YOU GET STARTED: ► I am not a professional belly dancer. I've been a belly dance enthusiast for over 8 years and I love performing and spreading the joy of dancing. All opinions expressed are my own.  ► Belly dance is for everyone. Get the idea out of your head that belly dance is only for beautiful, long haired women with perfect figures and impossibly flat tummies. I feel that prior dance experience of any kind helps, but still anyone can learn (and perform) belly dance. Men, women, full-figured, thin, young, old, black, white, brown, and everything in between!  ► There are many different forms of belly dance but the most common forms is Raqs Sharqi, but it's usually just called 'Egyptian Style' or 'Oriental'. There's also Turkish and American Cabaret. Often times these styles get mushed into one style of dance that many just simply refer to as "classic belly dance". Unless you're a belly dance expert, you probably won't even be able to tell the difference between any of these styles so don't stress too much about that right now. Dancer wearing a Belly Stocking™ under her costume.Click photo for original source. There's also Egyptian Baladi which is often performed in a long form fitting dress with a cane. As it's a very folky and traditional dance it is performed by many male dancers too! American Tribal Style ®  (ATS®) is sweeping the nations and it's little cousin, Tribal Fusion is the latest form of dance. I feel it is very important to learn the fundamentals of belly dance by starting off with classic belly dance. After you're comfortable with your basics, then you can explore the other forms and have a blast doing it. ► You don't have to bear your tummy to dance. You can wear whatever you want and be as modest as you need to be - even if you decide to go pro and perform! ►  Many professional belly dancers are going to tell you that you need to take actual classes from a pro in order to learn it right, but what they fail to realize is: #1 Not everyone is striving to be a professional belly dancer. Some folks just want to do it for fitness and fun! #2 Not everyone has access to belly dance lessons. #3 There are dozens of belly dance instructional DVDs out there created by amazing teachers who specialize in teaching via television screen. Just like how you can teach yourself how to play the piano, knitting, or cooking, you CAN learn how belly dance at home! __________________________________________________________ Me, six months pregnant with #2 at Amanda's (above) American Tribal Style ® Workshop. OK, LET'S DANCE: ► Where to find free or cheap home lessons: Many professional belly dancers have YouTube videos that show you specific moves but some are nice enough to upload entire beginners lessons! Check out one of my favorite free online instructors HERE. Bid for super cheap DVDs on Ebay and find very affordable belly dance instructional DVDs on Amazon. Heads up: you're not going to learn everything you need to know from just one DVD. There's SO much more to belly dance than just shimmying and hip drops. I recommend  DVD series or box sets that will offer hours of instructions. When shopping for an instructional DVD make sure to buy one that is for total beginners and features a warmup and a segment on proper posture. ► Get a mirror: You'll need to be able to see yourself to see if your motions are on point and to make sure your posture is always in check. Since you probably don't have a giant dance mirror already set up in your home (lucky you if you do!) get a full length mirror and set it up beside your TV or computer or whatever you'll be using to view your lessons. You can find full length mirrors at most dollar stores for under $10. ► Attire: You don't have to wear fancy dancewear to practice. I usually wear a tank top and leggings or fitted "yoga pants". It's very important that you don't wear baggy clothes or long skirts because you'll need to be able to see the motions of your chest, hips, legs and feet in your mirror. And I know you're ready for this one! Coin scarves! Everyone loves those things! Jingly coin scarves are in no way mandatory for learning belly dance but they are wonderful for hearing and seeing the effort of your motions. Coin scarves come in many different colors and the cheapest usually come in one size often fitting up to 40"to 45" hips. You can buy coin scarves for as low as $3 on eBay! They come right from China so it might take a couple weeks for them to arrive. There are also quiet hip scarves (or belts) made with large sequins or fringe. Guys might like fringe belts a little better. Plus size hip scarves are also available to buy! A piano shawl or any fringed triangle scarf is wonderful to wear around the hips as well. No special shoes are needed, in fact you'll find most belly dancers dance completely barefoot. amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0"; amzn_assoc_search_bar = "false"; amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "bohomom-20"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "manual"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_title = ""; amzn_assoc_asins = "B01HPZ0ERG,B003QYHZFU,B00IJ5TT28,B00AZIDQX0"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "1af7a67073cf3bbd30f0259bf460c450"; ► Continuing Practice: When you're ready to get serious about getting your moves down, you'll need to do drills regularly to build up the muscles required to perfect the motions. Since DVDs can only show you so much in an hour and thirty minutes, you'll need to practice moves, combos and steps over and over on your own. Get yourself a CD that features great classic belly dance music and practice at your own pace. Also, on the days you're feeling lazy, just listening to the music will make you want to get up and move! When the basic lessons no longer challenge you, it's time to move up to intermediate level lessons. You can find many great intermediate lessons on YouTube and DVD as well. ► Adding Props: Once you've got your basic stances, movements, travelling steps and many combos down, you should try your hand at learning how to use common props like a veil or zills (finger cymbals). These can be found at affordable prices on eBay and Amazon. Make sure to check measurements before buying your props online! I bought a veil from eBay once based on the photo and when it came in ir qA  20" x 6". That's about long enough to wear as a hair accessory. Your veil should be a rectangle of no less than 3 yards of light material and beginner zills should be about 2.5" in diameter. Jamil, male belly dancer performing with veil and cane. ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ THE DOS AND DON'TS OF LEARNING BELLY DANCE AT HOME DO practice at least twice a week. DO NOT expect to become a belly dance prodigy overnight. DO expose your belly if you want (no matter what it looks like)! DO buy a costume if you want. It will make you feel a look amazing! (Guys too!) DO NOT compare yourself to other dancers. DO NOT jump into practice without proper warm ups. DO carefully read the descriptions and reviews of any DVDs, props and costuming before you buy. DO watch belly dance performances by professional belly dancers from all styles so you can see how it's done. There are thousands of videos on YouTube and tons of performances available on DVD. DO NOT give up on an instructional DVD because it's too hard. Keep doing it until you get it. That's how you learn! DO NOT declare yourself a pro belly dancer after going through one lesson. DO consult a professional belly dancer if you feel you're ready to go pro. They can point you in the right direction of how to get started. Gorgeous SIXTY year old belly dancer, Dee Orr from Shreveport, LA at the  2016 Texarkana Renaissance Faire. Scott Johnson Photography. ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ MY TINY LIST OF RESOURCES The History of Belly Dance Plus Sized Belly Dancers Belly Dance at Any Size - blog DIY Belly Dance Everything The Official Page for American Tribal Belly Dance About Male Belly Dancers Why You Should Belly Dance During Pregnancy - by me! Talk With Other Belly Dancers Belly Dance U - blog Pin to share please :) ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0"; amzn_assoc_search_bar = "true"; amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "bohomom-20"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "manual"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_title = "My Amazon Picks"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "e3b35a275e470d201c81f2338997dc3a"; amzn_assoc_asins = "B00095VJUQ,B001W2HZ0S,B001TK80FC,B00007JZVB,B00EZ6FXHU,B000621452,B00097DNXK,B0015FJYV0";

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