#i normally dont reblog fics without a read more

[marthawrites]

HOLY MOLY I --

This was glorious 🥵

Also, admittedly, my first time reading Criston Cole smut! 😱 Much love to Fabian, but I can't stand Criston's ass in the show!! THIS version of him though? With Harwin? Call me a fan 😏😏😏

𝐁𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝

Pairing: Harwin Strong x reader x Criston Cole

Warnings: Smut, swearing, slight praise kink

A small hiss of pain passes Ser Harwin’s lips as you dab at the corner of his eye; the swelling had faded a little, but the same couldn’t be said for the cut on his lip.

“Sorry.”

“Your touch is much gentler than I suspect the maesters would have been,” he chuckles.

It was rather unusual for a princess to tend to injuries inflicted on knights during a tourney, but it felt wrong to do nothing. There had been bad blood between the two knights for some time. You and Ser Harwin would be married in less than two weeks time, which is what led to your sworn shield, Ser Criston Cole, lashing out at him at a level beyond sportsmanship. Harwin was on the ground, and Criston wouldn’t have stopped if he hadn’t been pulled away.

Since your oldest sibling left the Red Keep to take her place as Princess of Dragonstone, you grew closer with your sworn shield, and it didn’t take long for rumours to start.

Rumours…

Everyone present at the beginning of your wedding festivities, including the king, could tell there was some truth in the whispers.

“I am sorry you got hurt. I—”

Harwin cuts you off with a soft kiss to the lips, “I know, princess, I know.”

He starts to peck down your neck, his large hands resting against your hips. When there’s a heavy knock at the door, you step back smiling; you turn to face the door just as it opens. Rage radiates from Ser Criston as he comes into the room; his jaw clenches when he notices you standing so close to the other knight. You swallow thickly, noticing how bruised and bloody his knuckles are.

“Ser Criston?”

“The tourney is over; I’m to resume my position as your shield, princess.”

Harwin lets out a scoff, “I don’t remember giving you permission to enter my room, Cole.”

Heat floods your body as you now stand awkwardly between the two men. Criston's public behaviour didn't impress you, but you wouldn't dare discuss the personal details of your relationship in front of your betrothed, even though he was aware of your involvement.

Criston’s brown eyes bore into your own; he looks offended that you’ve yet to say anything. “I will be waiting for you outside, princess.”

“Criston”, you grab his wrist, stopping him from walking away. “I don’t care what quarrels the two of you may have had in the past, but Ser Harwin is to be my husband, and if you wish for us to continue as we are, you’ll just need to learn how to share.”

Criston steps closer to you; his expression is emotionless, making it difficult to read him. His dark eyes trail along your lips before he looks over your shoulder at the other man in the room.

“I can understand why you are jealous, Cole.” Harwin waits a beat before continuing. “Unless the princess is already pregnant, you are not to come inside her; do you understand?”

You’re taken aback by not only Ser Harwin’s words but also his stern tone.

Wordlessly Criston stands in front of you and begins to unlace the front of your dress; when it’s low enough for your breasts to spill out, he crashes his lips against yours. You melt into his touch, and moments later, Harwin is behind you, his lips pressing on the side of your neck while bunching up the back of your skirts.

Placing his hand between your legs, he starts to tease your clit. In a low voice, he says, “Is it the thought of us sharing you that’s making you so wet, princess?”

You feel Criston smirk into the kiss; he pulls away and gently takes hold of your face, his thumb tracing your bottom lip. “Well, is it?”

Harwin slides a finger into you, distracting you from answering the question. Your face flushes with heat as arousal coats the knight's finger. You throw your head back, feeling pressure against your clit; your eyes snap open when a second finger is added, and to your shock, Criston’s hand is also underneath your skirts.

The both of them were using their skilled fingers at the same time.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” It felt so good, yet you were desperate to take more control. You weren’t just a pretty princess but a dragon who takes power in getting what they want.

Tilting your head up, you kiss Criston, then pull away to kiss Harwin while moving their hands away from your body. Backing away from them, you strip until you are completely nude and climb onto the knight’s bed, then get on all fours. “It’s exactly what I want: to have the both of you at once. But the fighting between you must come to an end.”

Harwin is the first to move; he unties his breeches while kneeling behind you on the bed. He rubs the tip of his cock between your folds, wetting it before pushing inside you slowly, giving you time to adjust to his size.

Incoherent babbles pass your lips until Criston is in front of you, his hard cock almost touching your face. You take as much of him into your mouth as you can as he thrusts into your mouth sloppily.

Harwin leans forward and kisses your spine, “Such a good girl, taking us so well.”

You move your ass back to meet his thrusts, taking the full length of cock while gagging on Ser Criston’s. Knowing how outrageous what you were doing was just added to the thrill of it.

Tears roll down your cheek as Criston's seed suddenly hits the back of your throat. At the same time, Harwin speeds up his thrusts; he finds your clit and starts to rub it quickly. Criston muffles the moans of your orgasm as your thighs shake, triggering Harwin's release.

“I wish you could see how beautiful you look post-fucking, princess.”

Once you’ve come down from your high, Harwin pulls out of you, leaving a sticky mess to dribble down the inside of your thighs. He strokes your back attentively, “I’ll get a clean cloth to clean you with.”

Brushing hair out of your face Criston withdraws from your mouth and kneels down, placing kisses over your face. Feeling a sudden chill, you shiver. The knight notices and covers your body with a blanket. “I’ll get your gown, princess.”

If this is what it takes to cause peace between the two knights, you were more than pleased to do it again.

[princemick]

TUMBLR F1BLR RULES!!!

hi, hello and welcome, we've seen what's been happening to twitter and we welcome you to our little corner.

there are however some things that differ from Twitter to Tumblr and so we have some different rules and behaviour then you might be used to!! I'm gonna try to explain them to you in this post! everything is below the tab!

reblog reblog reblog!!! likes do absolutely nothing, and your blog 'aestetic' in reblogs doesn't really matter unless you're a specific aesthetic blog, reblog are the way people see the content. likes are private! so remember to reblog the stuff you see and like!

DO NOT STEAL GIFS/GRAPHICS I WILL COME AFTER YOU!!! always ask if you can use a gif an then ALWAYS CREDIT properly

shipping is, prevalent. shipping even rpf is ingrained into tumblrs culture on every side of it if you dont like it thats a you thing, you can 'blacklist' tags so just add 'rpf' or the shipnames to them and you should be good!

continuing with that idea, curate your own experience is the most important thing on this site, blocking and blacklisting is normal and very much allowed and welcomed. almost no one is going to change how they do or act around here for one person, just unfollow or blacklist.

but do NOT put long posts or x reader fics, anything in the main tag without putting it under a 'read more' tab people will get annoyed by you

followers dont matter!!! no one CARESSS about basically anything this site is wonderfully anonymous and we can't see how many followers anyone has so genuinely no one gives a shit do whatever you want

remember to trigger tag and unlike twitter spell it out completely! so when a crash happens or is talked about make sure to tag it 'tw crash' even with reblogs!! also remember to tag when you're being negative about a driver as 'anti *insert first name*' never do full name then it will show up in their tags which defeats the purpose of anti tagging.

adding to that, use tags! they're one of the best tumblr features its free to be overenthusiastic and excited in the tags BUT the blog you can reblog it from AND the op can also read those tags so keep that in mind!!

be nice! this shud be a given, be nice, let people do their thing and vibe, just support people and block when u you dont vibe with them! when you do wanna send hate asks do it off anon, dont be shy do it on main

and things arnt 'weird' in the same way they are on twitter, this place has no drivers and no public figures so shame is a lot less existent here, you have to get used to that

and lastly as quoted by my anon 'Don't be afraid to be funny or weird be thirsty on main ship the middle aged man no one cares.'

and most of all. HAVE FUN!!! dont be scared to ask people how things work most of us are very okay with answering 'dumb' questions a lot of us have been here for about a decade we know its a confusing platform please ask away!

[firefly--bright]

peeks and blinders (you know me)

jean kirstein x gender neutral! reader, modern au

summary : being loved required patience and time and hope. luckily, jean provided all of them, without hesitation.

warnings : feelings of being deeply alone, heavy, hurt/comfort but mostly hurt, reader might sort of have depression

a/n : aha. lol. lmao. uhmmm yeah this is incredibly self indulgent and a projection. if you relate to this please PLEASE know that you're a) not alone and also b) I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to. i wrote this with an unhappy ending in mind but with the poll results (and let's be honest, the aot finale) I decided to make it a happy ending instead. don't worry, everything works out in the end. this fic might just be terrible if you're already sad, so reader discretion is advised! i dont expect anyone to read the whole thing!!! but if you do read it, I hope you like it because I spent way too long on it. the ending might've been a little rushed only because I wanted to get this out as soon as possible so I could move on with a new fic idea ;)

taglist : @mrsnobodynobody @holding-infinity-and-a-book @jeanscremebrulee (side note- thank you for the kind words in my taglist form's criticism/comments question. i truly, deeply appreciate it :) )

masterlist is in pinned post! ✿ requests are open! ✿ likes and reblogs are appreciated! ✿ join my taglist ✿

✿ recommended playlist to listen to while reading ✿

living with someone meant showing yourself, something you weren't afraid of. well, not afraid, more just apprehensive. there was too much of a potential to fucking up a relationship; showing yourself too much in the one place you're allowed to be yourself without restrictions and limitations. you love your friends, you love jean, but sometimes the quietness of being alone was more than welcome because it had to be.

so when jean asked you with eyes that didn't meet your own if you wanted to move in with him, you didn't answer. quiet literally, you paused from eating the slice of pizza in your hand. he continued on with his nervous 'making-up-for-the-lack-of-response' ramble, explaining how you technically already lived together, how he liked finding your toothbrush next to his, and reluctantly admitted that he sometimes used your soap when he wanted to have a good day. a speech that warmed you despite your answer.

because no matter how comfortable you'd be with anyone, sharing the same space with them was a different kind quiet, unrelenting vulnerability. the fact that you existed and let someone percieve you without hinderance was...too much to think about. you had been alone your whole life, not in a pitiable way, but in a way where you didn't have a childhood best friend. you didn't have people stick around, like you were only at a corssroad of people's lives and greeted them with familiarity and comfort that they'd craved, despite your want and desire for it yourself. they'd continue on with their path while you would sit there, patiently, passing time.

jean admitted it to you. indirectly, he had confessed that he wanted to see you vulnerable and bare open in a way that people wouldn't know you normally. in a way where you were simply a locked window that noone had the key to. but there wasn't anything special to hide, no great overview of the city or the sea or rolling hills and valleys and large fields. no, just an unimpressive view of an unmowed backyard. untamed and messy - again, nothing special. just years of neglect while also being looked at. nothing special.

you didn't want him to see it. and technically, he asked you. you stopped spiralling just as he started his own, realising the effect your non verbal answer had on him, you simply said "I'll think about it." and tried to crack jokes along until the end of the night. because if nothing, then jean deserved some peace to balance out the turbulence that came with loving you.

in all honesty, you didn't know what you did. how you comitted the monsterous feat of getting him to love you. how he loved you in your entirety (or lack of it), how he woke up everyday and chose to love you despite everything that you took from him, drawing out his grumbling patience and gentleness because loving you meant waiting. loving you always, somehow, meant not loving you, because there was no way someone would know you, all your stories and opinions and ideas and still choose to love you.

living with you meant knowing your anatomy. not of your physical, breathing body, but the inside of your organs. it meant knowing that your stomach was filled with guilt, that your mouth could only utter whispers of people who once loved you and 'im sorries' to someone who won't know. it meant knowing that your hands were always aching to be held, that your skin was only ever warm when it was loved. it meant knowing that your chest was always heaving, yearning for a breath of relief that would never arrive. it meant knowing that your eyes always wandered off to the weighing scale kept at the back of your closet, always wandered off to find another pair of eyes that would look similar to yours. it meant knowing that your hair was always knotted with the doubts your mouth would never ask. it meant knowing so much about you, about the grey matter in your brain and about what flowed through your veins was nothing but pure doubt and discomfort with the unholy temple that was your body, the temple without a god, the temple that noone went back to. a body without a home.

he wouldn't want to know. he shouldn't want to know, and more importantly, he wouldn't like finding out. it would either be too much or too little, and his fingers would cramp up with the effort it took for him to pry you open, only for no prize to be met with. besides, you were okay just talking to yourself, no matter how insane it sounded. you got through so many years being self-sufficient, right? you didn't know how to handle it, handle someone actually loving you without doubt. you had lived long enough without it. someone loving you was new, something you didn't have a map for, something you didn't have any precautions against.

you and jean slept together that night. in the same bed, breathing the same air, under the same covers. you didn't share the same sleep, however, as his mind made dreams and yours went on like an unfinished painting - a list of unfullfilled answers, no meanings, trying and failing to come together. you found yourself watching him breathe; just his chest moving up and down and up and down, your hands twiching to rest on top of his but you didn't know if that's where they'd belong. if his body would wake itself up because of your touch - everyone was always surprised by how cold your fingers were. you were used to it.

maybe living with him wouldn't be that bad, right? as he said, you already shared the same space to a point where the pair of you felt comfortable enough to not care if your hair was groomed perfectly or if the colours and patterns of your outfit were clashing. but would he like it? would he like just how much more comfortable you could get? just how much you could ask for? just how long you could lock yourself up in the bathroom and try to cry? would he like to know just how long you sometimes spent on your bed, refusing to get up because your heart felt too heavy for your chest? for when your heart felt like it could fall through your back, punch a hole through the ground and bury itself in the earth until it could somehow bonify and fossilize and archeologists would recognise, instantly, that it didn't belong there.

he'd leave. that was something you knew for a fact. your love wouldn't be wasted, ofcourse not, neither would the time, but maybe he'd leave feeling like he'd wasted himself at your expense. or maybe he wouldn't think about you at all.

your night was spent with your brain spiralling - thoughts about how you didn't know how to handle being loved the way he loved you, about how you probably never had a childhood best friend that was still in your life because the phases of your life weren't meant for anyone but yourself to see, about how much your hair fell due to the stress of distracting yourself from overwhelming sadness by studying and creating while also being only slightly average at it. you fell asleep thinking about how the abundance of being alone, to you, meant being not alone at all, because there was no differenciation of company and lonlieness because there hadnt been any company to remind you of the lonliness at all- your eyes had fluttered closed and breathing evened.

jean always wondered if you were hiding something from him. not in a bad way, not in the way where he couldn't say he loves you, but in the way where you'd hesitate. and if he didn't love you as much, he probably wouldn't have even noticed. but fortunately, he did know you. a little too well.

he knew how much you loved the crunchy autumn leaves, so much so that you would alter your paths just to crunch one under your boot, a smile of satisfaction gracing your face after hearing the noise it made. he knew how much your fingers would reach out for his. he knew how much you tried - with everything. he knew of your unsaid struggles, knew when and what made your mood sour. and he loved it, he loved the fact that he knew all of those thing but more importantly, loved that he loved them.

loving you felt like it was a built-in feature.

but despite all of this, he didn't know why. he didn't know why you were the way you were. he knew you tried, but he didn't know why. he knew you struggled, but didn't know why. and it was driving him crazy, especially after last night. he couldn't help himself, even if he could see you, again, trying to diffuse the situation with lighthearted jokes, he couldn't help but think a little too much.

did you not want to? jean had always been honest about how much he struggled with being either too much or too little, about how much the words hurled by his friends when he was young hurt him, about how much his love proved to be uncomfortable and silent and resigned. maybe his honesty was too much for you. maybe you didn't like the burdens he came with, maybe you didn't like knowing how much his father's absence had affected him, or about how much his previous partner altered the way he saw himself to a miserable extent. you hadn't asked for all of this, all of him, all of his parts. maybe you were getting sick of it.

or maybe, if Jean's knowledge about you served right, you were being hesitant again.

he swears he doesn't mind it. you not wanting to move in with him wasn't a problem, but he just wished he knew why. the whole day, the only thing on his mind was how he could feel less hesitant towards him, god, anyone but him. he knew, firsthand, how it felt being so overwhelmed by inconsequencial doubt where he was left with so many regrettable unanswered questions engraved into the palm of his hands because he kept them hidden in his fist for too long, where he wishes, prays, and hopes for an answer that he knows will never arrive even if he doesn't look for it.

there are many things jean wishes and prays and hopes for. you're not one of them. but only because you're here. he doesn't need any other wish to be fulfilled or prayer to be answered or hope to sparkle. you are, inadvertently, all of them. a love without doubt, a wish without a cost, a prayer without a sacrifice, a hope without desperation. you're all of them. you're everything.

but he knows that if he's hesitant this time, if he doesn't reach out to grab you, if he doesn't do something, no matter how desperate, he will most ceratinly feel a deeper regret than he has ever felt before. and yes he may be exxagerating it, but he doesn't care. he'd learnt not to care when he was with you - he's learnt to be comfortable with you and around you. he wants to tell you that it's okay if you don't want to move in with him because his home is wherever you would be, his home is his hand on your thigh, his home is watching you blink in thought, his home is the sound of your footsteps. his home is anywhere with you. you are the only person who has the right to know that.

he makes his familiar way over to your apartment. you're not home yet, sasha informs him with a sleepy voice and messed up hair, "but you can wait in their room." she says because everyone knows that you wouldn't mind him waiting in your room. including him.

he does your routine - the one he's seen you do countless of times when you enter your room - take off his coat and hang it on the back of your door where one of the hooks is kept empty for him, shoulder his bag off and put it down on the spot next to your desk, turn on the desk lamp and the night lamp because you refused to turn the overhead lights on, because "they are so hideous why would I want to turn them on," according to you, and then finally occupy the space on your bed, laying his back down and his hands resting on his stomach as he waited for you.

staring at the cracking paint on the ceiling of your bedroom, jean thinks. from his pending homework that he's mentally figuring out how to schedule to how he's going to conduct this new group project with people he has never talked to before to how is it already the second last year of University because it felt like the first day was yesterday, until finally his thoughts landed on you. of course it would always lead to you.

it started from him thinking about University, then about how he met you on the second day, seeing you in one of his classes, sitting diagonaly across him, how you conducted yourself, slipping your bag off and checking your phone. then it turned to him seeing you at the freshers party where he saw his now ex-partner with someone he knew he shouldve questioned more. how he stormed off of the party with half tears of sadness and half of anger, catching a glimpse of you in the corner of the room, looking kind of lost. he saw you multiple times after that but never talked to you. he saw you at an ice-cream parlor once. he wanted to talk to you, but Connie had loudly confirmed the tickets to this new concert, which took away Jean's attention from you. but then he was introduced to you by Marco, because of course it would be Marco who had the pleasure to befriend amazing people. he met you then, properly, when you introduced yourself, and he nodded at you with little regard.

jean shook his head with a little smile. he had been so stupid, that day. he barely looked in your direction as you got acquainted with Marco, Connie and sasha, but he didn't disregard the fact that you looked less lost than you were at the party.

you had a way of sticking around, jean found out after that. he didn't realise when you had slipped into his life, hiding in plain sight. one night he found himself awake the same time as you and the next, he found himself saving a seat for you in the class you shared with him. soon enough, you knew him as well as he knew you, and there was softness in the recognition your eyes held when they met with his. the same appreciation of his existence, something he hadn't felt before. he couldn't say that he knew you as well as the back of his hand, because really, he knew you like the back of your hand, because he'd looked at your hands more than he'd ever looked at his, noticing all the little creases and scars and veins and hairs. he knew what warmth they held, he'd felt it after your hands made their way into his while walking back to your dorm on a cold night. a night jean would never forget because he had frantically knocked on your door right after leaving you there, because his senses had finally worked and he had finally found out that he wanted to kiss you. and he did, and you kissed back, and jean swore he had never been happier even while he could hear sasha and Connie and Marco cheering for the both of you. he kissed your forehead as a goodnight that night. you were in his shirt.

you were his home before he even knew what his home was, before he could find out for himself. you became an answer with a question.

he sighed, hearing your footsteps make their way through the tiny apartment, saying a small "hi," to sasha who was sleeping on the couch. the door to your room swung open just as jean sat up, his weight resting on his forearms on your mattress. you didn't seem surprised that he was there, just flashing a smile at him before removing your bag and placing it down, and jean felt his heart flutter with comfort as your presence filled the room.

his eyes trailed you as you did the same thing he did a few moments ago, plopping yourself down right next to him. your breathing evened out with his as the two of you lay in silent comfort before jean spoke.

his voice was a low hum. the words were barely different, but you understood them anyway. "yknow you can talk to me about anything, right? even if it's sad or not funny or not...I don't know, not remarkable. you can say it. i won't laugh unless you want me to." he says. it's a flimsy promise, but you know his words hold a meaning that you can't quiet grasp.

his palm lays on top of the back of your hand.

he's warm. scarily so, because why would someone hold so much warmth towards you? more importantly, jean extended his hand without even meaning to, like muscle memory, which was, again, terrifying, because loving you as habitual purpose was scarier than you having to prove yourself for it.

your shoulders relax almost instantly; habitually and with purpose. was the purpose of it to not have a purpose at all? was the meaning of your being to not have any meaning at all? was it just to love despite it?

you wanted to do good. not in a special or overly remarkable way, because you knew you would never reach that mark because you never had, but in the way where you'd be recognized. in crowded rooms, you'd be sought out for because of your "goodness" - be it reliability, comfort, all the things you usually associated with jean. which was ironic, because noone who didn't know him like you did would ever think of jean in that way.

"i.." you say, trailing off. you want to say that you know, but it'd be a lie. it'd be a false promise, and jean didn't need that any more than he needed you. so you say, "I'll keep that in mind."

jean doesn't buy it. his hand squeezes yours, stubbornly. "no, i don't want you to keep that in mind, I want you to want to do it." he says. his head turns towards you, watching the side of your face with an expression you know better than anything. the slight furrow of his brows, slightest scowl on his face that was masked by a layer of genuine concern.

"what I mean is.... you don't have to be so hesitant with me." he says. you want to blink back surprise, except that it's not really surprising. he's seen you, more so than anyone ever has, so it's not surprising that he'd see if one day was affecting you worse than the other days. it makes you want to scream because you don't know how to deal with it.

you close your eyes as if that would help. it wasn't like you were good at running away from affection, mostly because you never needed to. if anything, you were used to running towards it, desperately, just trying. but here it was, now, the resolution of it all, of all of the aches and creakings of your deepest yearnings, yet you couldn't seem to look at it. look at him - at jean, your best friend, someone you'd do anything for - with eyes that matched his.

you sigh. there's a deep silence, and jean isn't anticipating anything. his hand is still on yours and he feels you squeeze it tightly, but he isn't going anywhere for you to hold on to him. even if he wasn't tethered to you, he'd want to stay by your side, without any precautions or promise of a fruitful result. he'd stay with you regardless.

he isn't waiting for you to say anything, because being with you feels more than adequate, like it's instinct, like his shoulders relaxing when it's just the two of you, or like that tingly feeling in his chest when you kiss his cheek after a long day.

but when you do speak, it's with resignation and certain grief. "i dont think you'll like me. if I... if we move in together, I think, realistically, you won't like it."

"how can you be so sure?" he asks. it's not a serious question, but he thinks it's a start. you're doing it, you're being less hesitant, and atleast that's somewhere to begin.

"i just am." you say, shrugging. but it's not a fact, atleast, it shouldn't be. it isn't to jean. he's rolling his eyes now, but he's not annoyed or digusted. "how?" he presses, because he knows there's more, there always had been with you.

"i get too much. and then too little. like none of it is ever just right. and I'm scared that you'll see it and...I don't know, get frustrated at my lack of everything." you say. there's truth in every word even though you desperately wish there wasn't. you're still hesitating, but it's less so. your hand is still in his, still squeezing it. it was predictable - something you found yourself relying on - the warmth of his palm and the way his hand would also engulf yours with the same echoing softness it always had. even if his fingers were calloused and a little rough, it didn't matter. they still held you the same.

he's clinging onto every word you're saying, every small explanation, every twitch of your eyebrows. he knows what's going to come, he knows there's going to be an admission of guilt coming on soon enough but he also knows, more importantly, that he'll be there to tell you that no, he does not regret loving you, and yes, he will keep doing it over and over and over again.

"I've never been... wanted like this. or like anything, I guess. and I'm so scared," you breathe in deeply, keeping your tears at bay. jean pushed himself onto his forearm, looking at you in a way you've never been looked at before. "I'm so scared of disappointing you because I think that's all I've ever done. that's all I know how to do." the box is open now, and it's not forced or pried with effort. jean has always known how to open it, you think, you just didn't let him. he does it now, with the same hands you find comfort in, the same gentleness that his eyes have always held for you.

you're crying. you don't have anything else to add to your statements, and they hang in the air as if waiting for you to complete them, expecting you to do something. but you don't and you can't and jean is holding you, his hands are at your sides and your nose is buried into his shoulder and you think the words and the expectations can wait for now, or for however long jean is willing to take care of you.

your shoulders shake. jean is whispering into your ear, asking you to breathe. he's saying it so kindly that you feel the need to comply, and when your lungs finally calm, he rewards you with a kiss on your forehead.

you think if how much of a liability all of this is. about how much you weigh in emotions when you're this open and vulnerable. not even like an open, unhealing wound, but more like that feeling you get when you finally decide to read an unread text message that had been sitting there for a month, but you're the person who both sent the text and also the one replying to it and also the one who was watching it unfold. you caused this, you were the only one who was replying, and you were also the witness to all of this.

but now jean was here. it was unusal and strange - someone being there, actually, physically and mentally present instead of those placating "you'll get over its" that were repeated to you by the few people you decided to open up to.

the two of you are silent now, only broken up by deep, almost heaving breaths from you, something you wish you would stop doing. instead of you digging your nails into your palms like all the other times, your nails are clinging onto jeans clothes, and he doesn't seem to mind. instead of it being your blankets like all the other times, it was Jean's soft heat wrapped around you, moving with each breath you took until your chest didn't feel as heavy anymore.

"i know." he says, finally. he doesn't expect you to answer, ofcourse, but he knows you're listening because you shift slightly in his arms. "i know...too well, what it's like. i know that moving in means more to you than it means to people in general. i know that it's not even about moving in together. i.." he's being hesitant. finding the right words, but for once, Jean's happy about this trait of his. he's glad he rethinks decisions and the next time when he tries again, he's more sure of it. hes sure that he loves you, hes sure that he wasn't made to love you but he grew into it because there's that choosing again, the fact that yes, he did probably have a choice, but he would never even consider it. he doesn't want to consider it and maybe that's more important than there even being a choice. he wishes he could put it into words that would make sense.

instead, he opts to say, "I am so sorry you had to think all of this all alone for so long. but I'm...I'm here now. i know that won't solve everything instantly, ofcourse it won't, but I will be here until it will. i will wait."

there's promise in his voice, a conviction that you hadn't heard before. you trust him, you always have, but you don't know if you trust yourself with this. you don't trust yourself to be someone he loves. he's quick to quiet your concerns after yet another peck on your forehead.

"but don't you think I take too much?" you ask. its doubtful, the steps you're taking on the usually thick ice that has turned too thin too fast. you're afraid you're going to offend him, but you stand no chance against Jean's all-knowing sigh. it's not a tired sound, not one anyone gives before they're about to give up. you're not sure what kind of sigh it is, but jean doesn't let you figure it out for yourself because he's answering.

the ice turns into concrete. he's become your footing, the reason you're still standing and not under numerous feet of cold water. "i dont think you're taking. your....your love doesn't ask to take. you love despite everything, not because of it. everyone, including me, focuses on how to be loved, on how to be a perfect image that probably won't last for too long, but you..... you focus on shaping your love, the love you give. i dont know if you've noticed it, but you do. you don't take too much, you give without expectations. you give with hope. it's beautiful." he pauses. "you're beautiful." he says. he's not looking anywhere else but your eyes that are welling up with familiar tears.

you suck in a breath. "im not used to sweet words, jean," you say, the breath you held releasing with a bittersweet smile. "i dont know how to handle all of this love you're giving me. i think... i think you love me too much." another tear down your cheek and onto the mattress. jean wipes away it's remnants.

"i dont love you nearly enough." he says with the same laugh you had given him, "but you'll grow into it. just like how you grew into everything else, you'll grow into being loved. i grew into it too," he says. his forehead touches yours. the proximity makes you shiver. "i grew into just how much you love me. and I wanna keep growing into it because I love loving you. i love you loving me, as selfish as it sounds."

you take a moment to register his words. yes, you weren't used to being so vehemently and stubbornly loved and taken care of, but you could. you could get used to it, get used to crying in your beloved's arms, being fed spoonfuls of carefully heated up soup that would settle into your belly, being looked at for more than a split second. you couldn't fathom it now, sure, only because you could've never believed it before, but that could change. you could grow into loving love, into accepting it just as freely as you had given it.

jean wasn't holding you with a death grip because he knew that you wouldn't leave, atleast, he didn'tanymore. he would've done it, he had all the reasons to. if he were still fifeteen, he would've thought that he had to come beg and cling on to love to make it stay. he had to do something spectacular, something entirely not himself in order to prove that he was atleast worth giving a try but with you...he didn't have to beg. he didn't even have to ask. for a while it felt undeserved, all of this care you were giving his somehow beating heart, all of this ointment you were providing to his broken bones, but he somehow, miraculously, grew into it, because he let you in. he let you see him with the eyes that would rival the ones he was sure the gods had, he let you see him and all his unknown and unsaid sins and let you love him anyway because you wanted to, because you didn't see something in him - a potential of something greater - but you saw him as he was. as he is. and nothing in your smile changed. and if you could do that, then he'd be damned if he didn't love you the same.

no words were said after that, only Jean's heartbeat mingling with your own in your ear. both of your eyes were closed, his hands relaxed on your back, your chest no longer heaving, commanding you to pay attention to it.

you fell asleep in the silence of promise.

---

the promise continued even a week later, turning into two, turning into four, wherein jean kept loving you despite and because of, unafraid and unwavering and for the first time, without any hesitance.

you were keeping up on your promise too. trying to accept it - all of this affection, his affection - without hesitance. it was hard but mundane things usually are and you continued to grow and mend and try, above all else, which was more than jean hoped for.

he's passing you the brush he had slathered the perfect amount of toothpaste on, slipping into the comfort of the cool night warmed by the heat of your previously taken shower in your bathroom. you smile at him as a thanks, and he nods as a welcome, and no words are spoken. no words need to be spoken, and his right hand makes its way to the small of your back, his left brushing his teeth as you start brushing yours and you think that maybe everything is uncertain. everything always has been and always will be, and loving someone has always been uncertain, too. being loved has always come with doubt and guilt and shame. but the only difference was that now, both of you hoped. you hoped that everything would be alright in the end, jean hoped that he'd get to share the same bed as you in the end.

hope was flimsy and hopeless, too optimistic, but now it served as something you both shared. the shared sentiment of hoping that you'd have eachother till the end was more important than the uncertainty. it meant that both of you would keep trying. you don't need to be sitting, waiting patiently and hopelessly at the same crossroad now, because Jean's hand is on the small of your back, the watch on his wrist is still and unticking, and you're walking down the same road with the same landmarks and the same gravel because you want to. you've moved from your old spot on the pavement because you want to. you're learning how to love the sound of your own footsteps, how to love the action of one foot infront of the other, and the best part is, Jean's learning too.

loving isn't a reciprocal or a transaction or a grand 'aha!' it's an act of hope. hoping they'll see you the same. hoping they'll have the same hopes as you. hoping they'll want to be loved by you, because hope doesn't require anything grand, hoping doesn't require a god to pray to or a cost to pay. it requires soft, undettered, unsaid patience. something jean, persistently, had. something you, stubbornly, held.

you paused from brushing your teeth to look at your love. you were wearing his old t-shirt that had faint stains of ink and old paint on it, and he was donning the headband you had owned for years to keep his hair out of his face. he glances at you through the mirror, then turns to you, nodding to you, eyebrows arching in a question.

you spit out the toothpaste into the sink. looking back to him, you say, with all the conviction and hope you can muster up, "I want to move in with you."

jeans mouth turns upwards, still full of toothpaste. he doesn't say anything. he doesn't need to say anything.

everything's already been said, already been understood.

because he knows you. and he couldn't be more happier to.

(when you pick the curtains for your new home, you are held up by jean, who's hands grasp the ladder you're on. you're looking down on him after the work is done and he's smiling, and you're smiling, and at night you're using the same stove to make the same dinner that the two of you will share along with some old wine and old stories. he holds you when you fall asleep, and your arms are around his torso as he snores softly. your love is stored in the blood of his veins. his love is stored in the palm of your hands, and even if you don't hold it, it still stays there, unmoving, growing, attached.)

✿

[jazzmckay]

re: prev reblog, vent, personal trauma mention

that discussion always gets me riled up bc inevitably there are a ton of people responding "yeah, duh, of course i want to know people are getting off, why else would i post smut?" and it always makes me feel so invalidated, and like the prominence of these responses drown out anyone who doesn't feel the same. the "well, duh" vibe makes it normalized. can we please not normalize it??? can we have this discussion and have people say theyre okay with it without making it seem like people who aren't okay with it are prudes or uptight or something?

some people who read my fics are my friends, yeah, and some people who read my fics have read enough of them that i recognize their name and get excited to see them again, but a lot of people are complete strangers to me, and i do not need the sexual activity of strangers directed right at me, even on the internet. i don't want to be made to feel like i have to respond and engage in what feels like a sexual dynamic to me. maybe i'm taking it way more seriously than others do, but the thing is, im asexual, and i was sex repulsed for years because of trauma. even now, no longer repulsed, my relationship with sex is that i enjoy it fictionally but its uncomfortable to think about actually engaging in it with others. so yeah, it's uncomfortable to be faced with strangers bringing a real life sexual activity into my ao3 inbox.

i don't post smut just to make people get off. i post smut because i wanted to write it and i might as well share it. my reasons for writing smut can be varied. they're like character studies for me. sometimes, my smut isnt meant to be titillating, it's meant to be horror--and while i recognize that i, the author, am dead, and how others interpret my works is up to them, those are the ones where its especially uncomfortable when people overshare in the comments. i really really really dont need to know these details about strangers, thanks

but it always feels like i'm weird for feeling this way and people are like "but its a compliment :)" for you, maybe, but personally i think its perfectly normal to have this boundary

[soukokumychildren]

I. ABSOLOUTLY. ADORE YOUR IDEA WITH YOUR AU SO MUCHhhhhaaaaah!! ✨✨✨✨🖤🖤

Chuuya having WINGS!!? Even though he could in somee way fly before already, it feels so different with wings!! Like really cool!!

(( I have always Liked wings -

Is your AU going to follow the main time-line of the show? Like, the illustrations you've posted sure does look like it-- (love them- love this idea-) ((Soukoku Reunion where Chuuya has feathers!!? ✨)

Wait, wait, wait, No- dont spoil anything..! (maybe just a little yes or no- that wouldn't really spoil anything—) I will find out as I read—!

I mainly wanted to say I'm really looking forward to reading this!!

It's my first BSD AU where it follows the main time-line - just differently- as well! A thing I really like!!

Well, if it really does ofc, but It sure does look like it—Arg, I gotta just continue reading soon——

Even if it don't this seems really interesting already!!!

Ahem, anyhow, this became a bit long- I wanted to expres my excitement about this-especially after, you even looked at some of my BSD stuff after I followed you!!!!

Thank you soo much!✨ That became the last push to write this little too long text, that isn't really a question, but more like a thank you-ahh im excited for this-- that I had already considered writing to you after I started reading😅😅👍

This entire post just made my day and while I could I'd rather not risk dying from lightheadedness from spinning too fast in excitement in my spinny chair XDDDDD THANK YOU SO MUCH

I can't express how embarrassed I am just fshfhsgshgsghshg I have been CRAZY for wings for AGES now, and I just saw soooo many posts about how "what if Chuuya could fly Dazai" I thought, fuckers, I can make that REALITY And it is going to follow the main timeline of the show just...alot differently but at the same time trying really hard to stick to the normal plot In hindsight that means I must suffer with all my energy to watch the first season of bsd (When I first watched BSD, the first episodes were for setup, and rightfully so. That all made sense, it really put the characters together. But I watched it a second time and it dragged ON and ON and I COULDN'T STAND IT UNTIL CHUUYA CAME TO GRAB DAZAI gARgHHrhgh). I must admit I'm confused on the "Soukoku reunion where Chuuya has feathers" bit though 🤔 And currently during the plot I'm writing I have to improvise ALOT from what I know, and really this fic is also whatever the fuck I wanna write with whatever writing style I have on hand slapped into each 1K chapter so I'm really trying here LOL Also the fact when [undisclosed plot device] will be introduced, I'll be writing seperate smut for [undisclosed plot device] because I can then do WHATEVER I want wITHOUT any repercussions Hopefully I can add in [undisclosed plot device] just in a way that people will understand. Though I hear that Beast Dazai also came across [undisclosed plot device] at one point :D

I'm going SO offtopic here LMFAO And seriously? Really??? I'm surprised! I'm sure theres alot of fics that go by the timeline, I especially have run into cough ones which I liked which are specifically smut related..... and I go back to off topic I'm sorry LMAO But I'm sosoosososo glad you like it! It just means alot to me you wrote alot and now I'm just ranting because you've shown genuine interest without going off the rails (as far as I've seen) so this is pretty cool for me too!!! And I do usually look to peoples accounts who follow me (especially those who find interest in a SURPRISING amount of my stuff XD) so yeah, that's why and I found some GOOD stuff on your account too, so that's REALLY awesome. Talk to me any time! Dm me, reblog and talk to me that way, use replies, whatever the fuck! I love talking to people, and this was genuinely fun to write. :]

[koqabear]

Hmmm, I'm really into fantasy. As for groups, I stan a lot (probably too many), so you could recommend any 😭

Also, what do you mean?!😭 Your personality is just so 💜💜💜!! Like I have never admired a stranger so much in my entire life 😭😭😭

-Lvlee

hi loveee !! so as it turns out,,, making a rec list is very hard. very. i've read a lot less fics than i thought omg (which is why all the ones i listed are on the older side LMAO), so i am here with some txt and bts recs 😭 they're mostly supernatural/fantasy, but you can always check out my main blog (@/michipan) if you wanna see anything else!

also 🫠 please.... im sobbing rn u are the cutest ever </3 i am nothing but a silly little normal person i promise

to anyone who decides to check out these recs, pleeeeaaase support the authors!! please im genuinely begging you!!! leave a little review and a reblog and show them love bc they're amazing <3

BTS Recs

☆ Beastly Gods by @lemonjoonah

✧ hybrid!taehyung x fem!reader x ???

wc: 8K // genre: hybrid au, thirller, drama, smut, potentially dark and triggering content so read the warnings carefully!

Summary: ‘Don’t leave the forest,’ a rule that you’ve been forced to follow since birth, but you are tired of living in this wooden cage. Out of desperation you cut a deal with Taehyung, who claims to be the only one who can get you out safely, even though he might be just as dangerous as the god you’re trying to escape.

sol's personal notes:

oh. my. GOD. this was one of the first few fics i read when i joined this site, and it's literally stuck with me ever since. i can't say too much about it without spoiling it, but the worldbuilding and pacing was just. immaculate. the storyline is so well done and just. everything about it is perfection omg. there's another part that goes along with this story, but i can't link it bc ofc... spoilers 😖i wish i had more to say about this fic, but i read it years ago and forgot to write a review for it T_T

☆ Treasure by @sombreboy

✧ faerie dragon hybrid!jimin x fem!reader

wc: 4.7K // genre: pwp smut, hybrid, yandere, fairytale, again potentially dark and triggering content so read the warnings carefully!

Summary: Jimin loves to collect sparkly riches and playthings. You just happen to be the next treasure that ignited his obsessive desires.

sol's personal notes:

(fucking explodes into a million pieces) i can't. i had to reread this story real quick to get a refresher on it and just. jimin's character in this is literally so perfect and mischievous and evil!! and i love it... <3 he is characterized so well and the descriptions are just so well done... ouuu i just read over the smut again and i teared up a little. the dialogue is genuinely so insane im not normal abt this fic sorry.

TXT Recs

☆ the prince and the jackal by @gyuluster

✧ prince!beomgyu x woodcutter!metalbender!reader

wc: 11.8k // genre: fantasy au, fluff

Summary:  in the Kingdom of Terrae, you, a metalbender, believe in the deforestation to modernise the land. As a member of the Lumberjackals, you thrive on cutting down trees and stealing resources until you get caught by the Crown Prince, Choi Beomgyu, a lover and embodiment of the nature you wish to destroy. However, instead of imprisoning you for your crimes, Beomgyu decides to show you the beauty and wonders of nature, leaving you to doubt your beliefs, your identity, and your very feelings for the certain boy determined to change you for the better.

sol's personal notes:

unfortunately the author is no longer active on this account (💔💔💔💔) but like. this story literally changed my brain chemistry i dont think you guys understand. it's been so long since i read this but even so, it lives on in my mind... the world building and characters are so well done and from what i remember, beomgyu's character was literally so charming T_T such a pretty story, i might go reread this bc like... the fantasy was executed so well and i love me a good royalty au <3 not to mention the whole concept of the powers is so cool!

☆ Swimmin' in a Mirror by @bangchanswolfpelt

✧ soobin x2 x fem!reader (stay with me here)

wc: 2.5K // genre: magical school au (not a harry potter au) smut

Summary unavailable.

sol's personal notes:

this one's like a whole 180 from the last fic LMAO but GOOD GOD. this author isn't active anymore from what i know of but like. they were literally revolutionary and this fic is just. never seen anything like this before but )#%(&#%??? it's genuinely so impressive how they managed to pull this off alkghadg so hot so insane so creative

☆ that's the spirit! by @agustdiv1ne

✧ sixth sense/ ghost hunter! soobin x fem!reader

wc: 14.6K // genre: high school au, fluff, angst, some elements of horror

Summary: a couple weeks before halloween, you find the quiet boy from your high school staring up into your bedroom. you're a little creeped out, and miles more scared, but then he shows you something that changes how you see, well, everything.

sol's personal notes:

are we surprised. i don't think so. i literally never shut up about this fic ever like i'm such a sucker for unique stories and this is definitely one of them! the pacing, supernatural elements, and environment was written sooo well, and the worldbuilding and explanations that comes along with the plot is so perfectly executed and well thought out. such a cool story, with a banger playlist to go along with it :]

☆ Dirty Little Secret by @petrichor-han

✧ vampire! yeonjun x gn!witch!reader

wc: 4.0K // genre: angst, dark fantasy, vampire!au, witch!au, enemies to lovers

Summary: yeonjun is one of prince seungmin’s most trusted bodyguards. born as a low-class vampire, he worked his way to the top and is proud of his accomplishments, beginning to adapt his friends’ classist mindsets and forgetting where he came from. but when his brothers come to visit one day, exposing his poor ancestry, everyone turns against him except for one: a lowly servant whom he’d picked on in the past—you.

sol's personal notes:

are you kidding me. DARK FANTASY. yeah that's literally all it took for me to fall in love with this story; the imagery is beautiful and the storytelling is so heart wrenching and good and i am literally clawing at the bars of my enclosure rn btw. this fic is sososo good and i'd literally kill to get another morsel from this universe !

⭒⭒⭒

✧ again, make sure to show all these lovely authors some love!! if any of you manage to see this (unlikely. for the most part) i literally cherish these stories sm and would literally die for them idcidc u guys truly made some masterpieces over here ✧

[kevin-day-is-bi]

i feel like i wanna remind ya that like, there are people (me) who enjoy the Bruce&Dick as father&son because it's not wholesome and can be rather fucked up, esp in fics that really focus on their interactions

idk like, i dont have a ship in particular in batfam, but it feels like you keep getting deeper into the "any interp other than sexual is stupid" and :< it's fun to explore the fucked up non-sexual things...

I'm guessing this is largely about my tags on this post.

A couple things right away.

1. I'm in fandom to ship. I have been in DC for the sole purpose of consuming and creating ship content for almost 8 years at this point. When I first watched Young Justice at 12, I had ships fully formed by episode 7. I watched episode 1 and started shipping Dick and Wally. I think they have an interesting friendship, but I personally have no interest in exploring their relationship platonically. While I understand that 2017 isn't super long ago compared to the entire history of Batman, please do not explain shipping within the DC fandom to me. I have been doing it a very long time.

2. that doesn't mean I in any way look down on or think that people who enjoy consuming media in another way (platonic or familial etc) are not consuming it "correctly"

3. I had several unpleasant experiences, both personally irl and in fandom spaces, with people who were anti-shipping (I'm not saying you are) which led to me being overly cautious in fandom, so for a while I didn't reblog anything ship related. I rebbloged non-ship content and just didn't tag it how I wanted to. I have finally got over that and have joined spaces where I feel more confident and welcomed.

4. Without going into too much detail, I live a pretty fucked up life. I have a lot of complicated emotions around sex and sexuality in relationships and I use fandom to explore that. I have been in platonic sexual relationships, romantic asexual relationships, situationships, unhealthy crushes, QPRs, and a lot of other situations that I also explore in fandom. I am aware of the fact that I have asked for life advice on this blog and in DMs before and clearly have the fact that I'm 19 listed in my blog description, but I have lived a lot of life and am pretty mature about fandom. I've been reading Bat smut since before I got my first boyfriend, and my life has very much shaped how I view media.

5. Finally, I am aware that there has been an uptick in blood and gore (and other more physical) kink things recently. That would be because those are genuine kinks that I have that there has been an increase in for me recently. I have those because I am disabled and my relationship with being disabled has led to me sexualizing certain aspects of it. I'm not going to tag for this or other things (NSFW, shipping, etc). I understand that some people want or need that level of control. I am not the person to follow in that case I use Tumblr's fast reblog feature liberally. I am on this site to distract myself from the fact that I am in pain 24/7 and my life is a mess. I do tag content I create and have always done so.

normally I wouldn't respond to this level, but this is gonna replace my current pinned post for a while. lemme again just say:

this is a non-issue. I don't care what anyone does or does not ship. I don't care what people think about what I do or do not ship. we are talking on a site where we don't know anyone's real name about things we want fake people to do that a bunch of people in a board room created. I am on here so I don't think about how I have been displaced because I almost died in a hurricane for the second time in 6 years. who I ship is such a low priority to me that it is functionally non-existent right now.

if any of my followers don't like what I am reblogging, unfollow! I won't be heartbroken! I'm not going to stop talking about ships that I have on my blog. and if your automatic go-to feeling when you see someone being positive about a ship you don't have is to think they are anti-not shipping that thing, do some internal examination as to why. because it's not true, and I never ever said it was.

feel free to dm me to talk about this more! but you are wrong, and I'm not going to change how I act on here.

[robotnuts]

are there any rvb fics you still think about all the time? like i dont think a week goes by without thinking abt qed and how it def changed me on a molecular level, do you have any fics like that?

oooh good question. the most important fic is at the bottom of this post so just scroll to the final paragraph if you only want one, true recommendation of the only rvb fic that really matters.

QED is fantastic though its more of @shotgunslap's thing than mine. the partner to that is also obviously QoQ, the only rvb fic ive been able to make almost all my friends read. i think about the south/north characterization every day of my life. caboose and carolina mean so much to me, etc etc. thats a pretty easy pick though so im cracking into my ao3 bookmarks to look for more niche picks.

i know there was actually a lot of rvb fic that was just posted to tumblr that i think ive gone back and tried to reblog at some points but i never organized it, i should have archived it, people who wrote good femslash and rvb women liked to just post it under a readmore on their tumblrlog and you have to go digging through decades old tags to find it now

okay. the big one i actually do still think about all the time forever and ever is saltsanford's stuff about epsilon/wash's relationship. this is the big one i still think about that centers on their backstory, but also, put my guns in the ground, which is one of the Big fandom tuckington longfics, also has such good washpilon stuff in it and they're so fucking juicy. when tucker asks wash how many times he's broken his ribs and he says four and epsilon says "actually it was five" before realizing How Bad of a Move that would be. Hello? Hello?????? i want them to be forced to reimplant and have weird mind brain trauma sex SO BAD sorry im normal. this is another one that takes place during/after the chorus era

on the spectrum of fics that i actually dont yet feel ashamed reccomending, primtheamazing, who wrote QoQ, also wrote some other good stuff. i am a HUGE fan of this fusion fic, the punchline to the tucker/caboose fusion is HYSTERICAL. this one where grif forgets who simmons is due to temple shennanigans and flirts with him is also very like. trope-y but i like that shit so this goes here too

ok. now onto the stuff that it is actively embarrassing for me to be recommending. but. prim's logrimmons fic is hysterical and was the stepping stone to creating the lolixgrimmons mind palaces with my friends so its worth it just for that. but also its really fucking funny. so is the one where locus has to listen to them have sex and gets himself caught

the truly embarrassing one for me to have here is the piece of softboy grimmons content i participate in. sadly i do enjoy s15 content sometimes for the softboy grif sensitive emotions exploration i will admit to being a hypocrite there and i really liked that one and reread it frequently (just realized this is written by the QED person so! you might already know of it)

and then finally. the most important red vs blue fanfiction of all time, guns are for shooting. it has it all. sarge. washington. sarge again. kismesisitude. grif and simmons acting like rosencrantz and guildenstern (are dead). locus being invisible and getting caught by lopez with a bag of flour. it's written by the person who wrote QED. You want to read it right now. Read it right now. READ IT RIGHT N

wait no the cute bit about sarge declaring war on gravity and upending a bag of flour onto lopez isnt in guns for shooting. what fic is that from

[vemuabhi]

Cauchemar Lucky Charm

“It is sad not to love, but it is much sadder not to be able to love.”

-  Miguel de Unamuno

Annyong Haseyo!!!! This is my fic for the Monsters Lab Collab held by @justanawolf​ I hope you like this fic of mine Ana chan!!! Its the medieval AU. I did some research about some mythical creatures and found this. Please do tell me if something is wrong. Because I am not much familiar with this monster. Sorry for any mistakes because I didn't proof read 😭

Pairing : Oikawa X Reader

Word Count : 1.6K

Genre : Monsters, Medieval AU, witchcraft, angst with happy ending, a little bit of stalking... but it's actually not bad. Trust me.

A/N :  Cauchemar is the French name for a creature that appears throughout European stories. Called Mahr in Germany, Ephialtes (“the Leaper”) in Greece and the Nightmare in England, this demon violates something very precious to us: a good night’s sleep. It jumps on the chests of sleeping humans, inflicting pain and crushing the life out of them. (Credit / Source)

Summary : Oikawa gets interrupted when he noticed that something else was causing nightmares to you, when he should be the one causing it. He now needs to find the source of your nightmares but will he be able to not fall in love with you?

copyright © vemuabhi

Please support by reblogs if you like my writings.

“Ah! A new prey! So adorable!” the brunette smirked devilishly as he placed his both hands on either side of your head. He leaned towards your sleeping form but his smirk faded away as he noticed your tears. He raised an eyebrow with confusion. He didn’t understand why you were crying. He was there to give you nightmares but you were already having one. But he was the only Cauchemar present near you.

He pulled back and clicked his tongue in annoyance. ‘I’ll be the one to make you cry tomorrow’, he thought as he walked towards the window to jump. But fate had other plans.

“Dont leave”, his eyes widened at your words. Were you talking with him? He didn’t understand. He looked back at you and noticed that you were still sleeping. He rolled his eyes and jumped out of the window. “Such a weird human”, he said as talked to his fellow dark haired Cauchemar.

“But who was giving them nightmares?” the latter enquired for which the brown haired man replied, “I don’t know Iwa chan. There was no presence of any other Cauchemar. Never in these 500 years I faced something like this”.

“Yeah... lets find out if someone else is doing such things”, said Iwa as Oikawa nodded. “I’ll definitely find out the one who is doing this", he smirked, "Damn this is going to be fun”

The following night he again walked into your room. There again he saw your sleeping form and tried to sense any presence. But there were no one. ‘Huff... maybe I can finally do my job here’, he thought as he approached you. He sat on the side of your bed and his slender hand brushed the hair from your forehead. He smirked and just when he was about to suck out your life energy, he heard your whimpers again. He was shocked. What was making you cry like this? Who was doing it? Being so confused and pissed he decided to stay by your side the next day. To find the cause of your nightmares.

The day began and you went to your farm just like usual which followed by the visit to the market and selling of vegetables from your farm. Little did you know all this time a certain Cauchemar was following you. The nightmares made you senses a bit weak. You always felt sad and depressed. It’s been nearly a month since you slept peacefully without nightmares haunting you.

As the day went by Oikawa was observing not only you but also your surroundings. Its been a more than a century since he observed a human like this. He was just a normal Cauchemar who would give nightmares to people and took their life energy from them. It was... kinda refreshing to him. A new feeling sprouted in his heart when your sad eyes for the first time smiled looking at your vegetables, the proof of your hardwork. When did he last smile like that? He couldn’t remember but he genuinely felt a new emotion when he looked at you like that.

He caught himself smiling as he looked at you. Which he quickly brushed off and continued to check the source of your nightmares. Then he noticed that you met a boy and started to talk with him. Upon more observation he understood that the latter was another farmer who was your... “Friend”. His 500 years of life experience was good enough to distinguish between real and fake friends.

“Oh my, Im so sorry to hear that Y/N. Like I said before its because you are living alone. Maybe youve attracted a Cauchemar. Please come to my house. I’ve already told you this”, the farmer said for which Oikawa raised his eyebrow.

“Maybe you are... right. I’ll think about your offer. Thanks”, you gave a weak smile to your friend. ‘Maybe he is right. I should really consider this’, you thought.

After that you reluctantly returned to your house but this time your Cauchemar didn’t follow you back. Instead he had another plan under his sleeve. He silently walked behind your farmer friend. As Oikawa expected your farmer “Friend” took out a box from under his bed and opened it. Just when he was about to mix a strawdoll with some weird salts, Oikawa stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

The latters eyes widened at the sudden appearance of another man infront of him in his house. He could swear he didn’t see anyone in the room when he entered.

“Ah, so this is all your doing? So to try wooing Y/N, this was your best plan? This cheap witchcraft”, Oikawa said as he pulled the box towards him and smirked. His eyes darkened, “Maybe you need to taste your own medicine now. You dared to meddle with a Cauchemar’s business. You should suffer now”, he smiled wickedly making the latter shiver in fear as the farmer slept and suffered with disturbing nightmares.

Oikawa exited the house and walked towards yours. ‘How could I not think about witch craft?’, he thought as he then chucked, ‘Maybe I am getting old already’.

As he entered your room, he saw you sleeping peacefully on your bed. He smirked and sat on your bed. “Ah... so much work for me because of you. You can thank me because I saved you from that jerk. HE will never ever look at you again”, he said as he brushed the hair from your face and leaned in. “Now its my turn to shine”, he muttered as he almost started to suck your life force. But to his surprise, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He pulled back as he placed his hands on his head with annoyance. He felt something for you that he shouldn’t feel. Especially towards a human. He looked at your sleeping face and it looked like its been a horrible long time since you had a good sleep. He clicked his tongue in irritation and jumped out of your window. ‘I should’ve never seen you’, he thought as he decided to never see you again.

But he failed. He couldn’t stop from checking up on you. In the beginning he was just trying to make excuses to himself to see you. But as days went on, he knew it was all because he had feelings for you. ‘I cant even talk to Iwa chan about these feelings Im facing’, he thought as he looked at you with a smile on his face.

Oikawa never interfered with your dreams. All he did was to sit on the roof of your house at night. From preventing any intruders coming into your beloved farm. This led him to stop taking care f himself. He stopped taking life force from humans. Resulting him to losing his strength.

You didn’t knew but he was your lucky charm and bodyguard. Your farm was always safe without any thieves. Your sales were good. Your nightmares stopped. But as more time went on you could see a brunette in your dreams. You didn’t knew who he was but he was deadly gorgeous and lovely. But you could only see him from afar. He was always surrounded by people. He was unreachable yet your heart yearned for him. Even when you woke up, you couldn’t stop thinking about the brunette.

One day as you returned home you eyes spotted the same brunette from your dreams, now standing infront of your house. Your eyes widened and your heart started to beat faster as you looked at him. His eyes widened as he noticed that you were looking at him. Wasnt he supposed to be invisible? Then he suddenly felt a pressure on his chest which made him to stumble forward. Your instincts made you to catch him before he could fall.

“Hey are you alright?”, you enquired for which he gave you a weak smile and nodded. He stood up straight and thanked you.

Oikawa coughed blood as he reached the forest. He dropped on his knees and noticed how his skin was becoming paler than before and his vision was getting blurry. He fell onto the green grass and thought about your smile for the last time.

“Thanks. I... I guess its time for me”, he said as he waved to you which you didn’t understand. He continued and said, “I... I love you Y/N”, your heart skipped a beat. You didn’t expect a sudden confession out of no where. “It must be weird that a stranger like mw is telling this to you. But... I don’t know if I can even get this chance again. I’ll leave now”, he gave you a sad smile and turned around. “Wait!”, you called out but he was gone within a second. You were concerned about the stranger.

But as he left, you couldn't help but to feel like he really was unapproachable. Just like in the dreams. Your tears couldn’t stop flowing out from your eyes.

XOXOXOXO (500 years later)

You woke up and got ready. It was Sunday but the volleyball practice was being held and as the manager of the Aoba Johsai you had to be with the team. You loved the team so you felt happy to be of any help to them and... also your Captain boyfriend Oikawa tooru. Even though you both didn’t knew each other much you both felt a strange connection with each other from the first day you met. He seemed unapproachable but he wasn’t. From the time you became the manager, you felt like he was a lucky charm to you. His smile popped up in your head as you snickered and walked out of your house.

[ll-sofia-ll]

Reblogging because comments wont let me type as much. I have read both, and loved both, Handmaid’s tale a lot more in fact. I am also, like OP, someone with a degree in English Literature, and have been taught how to read texts critically. I disagree. I dont think that the fic romanticises rape. I think it is very clear that despite their former relationship when there is no consent, it is rape. That is why it takes them so long to build up to a sexual relationship again.

I agree that the fic could have done without lines like “Rape wasnt really his thing”. But I dont think those lines are a result of romanticising rape. I think it is just someone who is a great writer who is still learning.

I also agree with the sentiment that rape is a choice. It is a choice that draco makes because it seems to be an impossible choice for him. Between her death or even her rape at someone else’s hands.

My fundamental problem with this take is the idea that rape is worse than death or murder. For some it may be, for many it isnt. As someone who has been raped (albeit not in conventionally violent circumstances) and continues to deal with the trauma of that, I do not believe rape is worse than death, I do not believe murder is more merciful. In fact that line of thought, especially when generalised is deeply problematic. It is what leads many many women to choose to kill themselves after being raped. So no, draco would not have murdered hermione instead of raping her if he loved her. That isnt true.

Sure, in a healthier world, hermione would have maybe understood but probably walked away from him. Because how do you forgive and continue to be with someone who has raped you. But this is not a normal world, there is nothing healthy about them. They are brought together by their trauma.

Also, the fic 100 percent deals with the way war affects women. The commentary at the end about how the rest of the surrogates were treated shows that. It may not do it with anywhere close to the intensity and brilliance that Handmaid’s Tale does. But that’s because manacled, like OP correctly points out, is after all a fic. Its purpose is very different from Handmaid’s Tale. That does not however mean that it in anyway romanticises rape.

In fact, in fandom, considering how women are treated, Hermione’s complexity and badassery, regardless of her romantic choices, makes the fic pretty fucking feminist.

manacled

tw: spoilers for manacled

this one will be long, so brace yourselves

I first read Manacled in 2020, and it must've been the third Dramione fanfic I ever read, so I was truly very impressed with how well written it was. It remained the best and my favorite fanfic up until I started rereading it recently, and I'm writing this rant because I just finished rereading Manacled for a third time and I have some thoughts.

Firstly, it's important to state that back in 2020 I was still a high-school student, I loved reading books, especially classic literature, but I had little understanding of why some pieces of literature become classics and others don't. I just liked reading, and just like many other people, I thought that fanfiction was bad because all I've ever known at that point was Wattpad. Manacled changed my opinion. It was the best thing I had ever read, but I was only nineteen.

Now I am twenty-three, I have a degree in English literature, and although it might mean nothing to some people, it proves to me that I can read and understand texts as well as view them critically - my degree gave me tools to approach things I read and see using critical thinking skills. I don't want to critique Manacled because I think that all fanfiction is a wonderful gift that writers give readers for free, asking nothing in return, and that is such a lovely concept, so please keep that in mind when you read and review fanfiction. My critique stems more from what Manacled tells about the way we read classic literature, books in general, and how we deal when we face dubious morality. There is a thin line between books and literature - sometimes that line doesn't even exist. All literature is books, but not all books are literature. Just like all books are texts, but not all texts are books. What is Manacled then?

I'm choosing to speak about Manacled because I think it does a very interesting thing. It is an intertext of two books - Harry Potter and The Handmaid's Tale. Both of them are books, only one of them is literature, however in Manacled they are treated the same.

The Handmaid's Tale is a gruesome novel about a dystopian world where fertile women are slaves to men, their ability to bare children used as a weapon to exploit them. As the author herself, Margaret Atwood, stated, everything depicted in this novel had in some place or some time actually happened to women.

Rape in The Handmaid's Tale is a way for men to demonstrate how much power they have over women, and how they use that power to humiliate and control every aspect of women's lives, especially their reproductive health. Manacled picks up the very carcass of the story of The Handmaid's Tale and inserts it into a dark AU Harry Potter universe where the second wizarding war with Voldemort still continues some years later. Whereas The Handmaid's Tale is a thought-provoking feminist masterpiece about women's struggles and the never-ending violence perpetuated within walls of patriarchy, Manacled focuses solely on one woman and one man. The woman being Hermione Granger who is forced to bear Draco Malfoy's child in order to get her memories back, so Voldemort could rule forever. Later on, we figure out that Hermione and Draco were actually in love, but war set them apart, and it's him Hermione tried to protect by erasing her own memory. Here lies the distinction. Not only does Manacled say nothing about feminism and how women's bodies become war battlefields for, most often, men. Not speaking up on something in the intertext is absolutely nothing wrong. But Manacled does something else, something that I now see so clearly upon rereading, and something which I can neither forgive nor forget. It romanticizes rape. You might say I'm being too callous saying that it romanticizes rape when it is simply depicting in, and I will explain why I chose the word romanticizes.

Although Manacled doesn't allow us to attribute good or bad traits to characters, it is still very clear that Hermione is the heroine in this story and Draco - the hero with antihero characteristics. How do we deal with the fact that our hero hurt our heroine? We look for excuses. Draco Malfoy rapes Hermione, and we're looking for excuses as to why he did it. Some excuses are these: he did it because he loved her, because if he hadn't raped her, Voldemort would've found out that they were hiding something, and then would've killed them both; he did it, but it hurt him even more than it hurt her (it is true that both the victim and the perpetrator might be equally traumatized by an event one caused and another had to suffer through, but it never excuses the perpetrator); and finally - he did it because he had no other choice. Side tangent, but if my loved one ever has to choose between murdering me or raping me, I hope they kill me. Murder me a million times before you rape me once, that will be a greater mercy. And I believe had Draco actually loved Hermione as much as he claimed, he would've murdered her before he laid a finger on her. Let's also have in mind that he rapes her not once, not twice, but over THIRTY times.

While The Handmaid's Tale tirelessly shows that rape is the worst thing that one person can do to another, Manacled, with all its horrifying depiction, claims the complete opposite. Draco Malfoy rapes Hermione Granger, and although he doesn't take pleasure in it, he still does it. We find excuses for it because he is a hero of the story in our eyes, the same way that we find excuses for our favorite famous men when we find out they committed atrocious acts especially against women. When we read Manacled, we are encouraged to believe that rape is sometimes unavoidable, which is the greatest lie of all, it is blasphemous. Because it's Draco Malfoy committing the rape, it seems that sometimes a person has no other choice but to rape another which is a complete antithesis to what Margaret Atwood, and many other modern feminist thinkers claim. Of course, we don't need feminst thinkers to tell us rape is bad, but we might need to think a little deeper to understand that it is never something one has to do.

Rape is always avoidable, never necessary. It is perhaps the only crime that is committed not for some particular reason, but solely because one person wants to hurt another. Murder, theft, these are the crimes that a criminal might commit because they're poor, because they're are being blackmailed, because it's self-defense, etc. However, rape is such a horrifying crime specifically because you can always choose not to do it, and specifically because it is so hard to recover from - rape victims suffer more extreme and longer-lasting cases of PTSD than victims of any other crime because rape is so horrible and death might be considered dignified compared to rape, not better, but more merciful than rape. Draco Malfoy might be a lot of things in Manacled, but one of them is a rapist, and there is simply no going on around it. If you can forgive him, I hope it's because of all the other fanfics you've read where he was good and kind, and not because here he had no other choice but to rape, because that is simply not true. He had a choice, many choices, to be exact. The choice is always there. The most important thing is what we choose.

This is in no way an attack on Manacled, it is not a review nor is it hatespeech - I thoroughly enjoyed this fanfic back when I read it the first time, and I do think it is incredibly well-written, and I am not comparing it to any other published works because that would be unfair. I believe the things I've talked about have more to do with what regular people who are not writers write and how regular readers who do not read classics all the time accept and discuss that work later on. Anyone could've written something romanticizing rape, and many people do it all the time, some even get published and make money off it, but not all people can write as well as the author of Manacled, and even less would be ready to give us their work to read for free. I purposely do not mention the pseudonym of the author because I am also not attacking them personally, simply pointing out what I've noticed. Thank you for reading all the way to the end.

[opaljm]

not gonna lie, but i liked you better when you were just doing your own little thing on tumblr. youre hybrid stories were so good and your hades!taehyung story was so promising. but now instead of writing and posting fics- literally where is eye of the tiger it's been more than a year since you teased it and where is turbulent part three?! your becoming a shooter for people that dont even like you as much as you like them. why do you hype up hantaev and chateautae when they never hype you up naia. i dont think they've ever read a single thing by you either. naia their never gonna become your bsfs and its pathetic to see you keep trying 💀 you should just write and post your fics (you know the ones that we ACTUALLY WANT) why did you even release yours truly. just give us eott youve had more than a year to work on it i dont get it. the more you draw it out the less people will care when you finally post it.

Um wow. Okay so, my readers know I have a policy of not answering hate asks and in general the treatment I get from my readers is so good and so pure and I'm always grateful for it but it seems like this motherfucker wants to ruin that relationship, but you know what? I have thick skin and I don't even know if you're actually one of my readers or you're one of those toxic anons that @hantaev and @chateautae have, that decided to come over here and bother me now.

The reasons why I'm suspicious whether or not you're even one of my followers or just fine combed my blog to find ways to hurt me is because I have actually explicitly stated why there is no Turbulent part 3 yet (It's a drabble series that I work on when I have inspiration for it or when I am not working on other works. But I literally have so many WIPs right now. All my readers know that Turbulent is the least of my priorities and they're so respectful of that).

And when it comes to Eye of the Tiger, I've literally stated that I've lost over 20k words of the fic when the file got corrupted and that actually put me into a slump and not want to write that fic anymore. Since then I've decided to completely rework the plot into something that I would want to write again. I had made it into a chaptered form before changing it back to a one-shot. It's even on my list of WIPs for this year. But let's assume for a second that you actually have read my stories and you're not a random anon from the depths of hell. Congratulations! You have delayed Eye of the Tiger for everyone. I was going to work on it next month but now it looks like everyone is going to have to wait until August at earliest. I also don't care if you think that Eye of the Tiger's anticipation is going to die down and no one ends up reading it when I finally do post it. It's not like you have clairvoyance and can see the future.

Now moving onto you insulting Yours, Truly and saying no one wants it. Anon, just because you love Taehyung to the alarming degree that you keep harassing creators for their Taehyung fics just cuz it's not set to your specification or whatever the fuck does not mean that everyone else is such a rabid crazy Taehyung stan. It literally makes no sense for me to put more importance onto your opinion of Yours, Truly over the hundreds of people who have reblogged and hearted it and even asked to be on the tag list. Not to toot my own horn but I really like Yours, Truly and I wish you would open your eyes so you could enjoy it like everyone else. Except I don't know that I want someone like you on my page so 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe it's a blessing in disguise that you don't like Yours, Truly and won't be able to bother me about it in the future.

I left this for last because it's literally so stupid that I even have to address this. Anon, I don't think you realize this but Hads and Sammy are friends in real life, they are the type of friends that talk every day, facetime and text, and send each other presents. Not only that but they are also the same age. IN contrast, I am... get this... their online friend. I am not as deeply involved in their lives as they are in each others lives. And you know what that's perfectly fine and I'm okay with it, maybe one day it'll turn into something IRL maybe not, it's cool we're chilling either way. Also, I can't believe I even have to say this but anon do you realize that Sammy and Hads are both 19 and I am 23? I'm actually rubbing my forehead right now because there is literally no situation where it's normal or acceptable for a 23 year old to be jealous of a relationship that two 19 year olds have with each other. I just treat them like my little babies that I'm so so proud of.

If you think I'm trying too hard to be their friends, I feel like you genuinely have never seen people act kindly towards others without expecting anything in return. It literally costs me nothing to interact with them and brighten up their days. Also maybe it's my age but I'm not insecure about whether or not my mutuals read my fics or constantly reblog and promote it. We are all so busy I'm never going to ever demand that from someone. Sammy and Hads don't demand anything from me either. How can you say Hads as never read anything by me when she's listed as the beta reader of Yours, Truly (yet another reason why I think you have never read it but are just insulting it because you can)? Sammy has given me private updates of how much she's enjoyed my work. Just because she or Hads never posted a review for YOU to see on multiple works doesn't mean that they don't read and support my stuff. And it's so weird that you're claiming that about them but you're not holding me to the same standard? The last time I reviewed one of Sammy's Maybe I Do chapters was probably for chapter 4 but I've privately been keeping her updated on my progress with reading her fic. I haven't even read Hads' Before Dawn yet. But you know what? It's fine. We're all okay with it and we don't have insecurities like that, we understand that we will all read and support each other's fics when we can and when we're free. I feel like as you get older you realize that friendship is not just what you can physically show off to others its more so all the ways you can be there for someone. I thank Allah that Sammy, Hads, and I are all so much more understanding than you are and that there is not even an ounce of toxicity in our relationship.

Lastly, maybe I'm not jealous of Sammy and Hadiyah being best friends because I have my own best friends? @vivian146 is literally the light of my life and we're going on strong for almost 7 years 😭😭😭

[riddlesmoon]

honestly i think it can go either way since we dont really have much (reliable) info on how he acted in his youth! though, there is the fact that he killed his dads family while underage. but thats also technically unreliable info so idk if you think agree with that [afaik most of fandom does... and the tom meta i read is specifically and explicitly said to be considered heretical by most of normal fandom..... so maybe i just sound insane rn........] but if we say he did kill them then that means he dared to not only do magic while underage, but also use an unforgivable, which he surely knows would get him jailtime if caught.

unless of course ☝️🤓 he was smart enough to figure out that it wouldnt be traced back to him. dumbledore pretty much says this is the case with morfin taking the fall, but he just kind of... tells harry that thats what happened, not that tom planned for it (cuz how could he, amirite, 99% of the wizarding world doesnt seem to know how the trace works either). but we know he wouldnt have done something so risky if he didnt know, so... [unless etc etc insert more headcanons here like it not actually being planned i guess]

SO if he did do it, then i would like to think that it was because he figured out how the trace works. i just reblogged this post which i think covers it very very well, but basically it posits that the trace is cast over all of britain rather than on an individual person. it detects when magic is done in an area, and the ministry just cross references that with their records of where muggleborns live, etc. so if somehow tom figures this out (if hes planning to kill his dad im sure he wouldve researched this. even disregarding the murder part i dont think its impossible for him to have heard about pureblood kids being able to use magic during summer without getting expelled, and then tried to figure it out so he could do the same) (SUCKS IN A BREATH)

SO. if he figured out how the trace works then im sure he could practice magic whenever he pleased as long as it was away from the orphanage. and if the orphans had to move somewhere else for shelter during the war and the ministry doesnt gaf because theyre idk dealing with grindelwald, the address change wouldnt be noted and he could just practice wherever they were staying. or if they did note the change in address he probably couldve just gone somewhere else i think hes capable enough. am i overpowering him OKAY im getting off topic trying to cover all bases but basically the point is he would be aware he can use magic while underage as long as hes not near the orphanage.

SO BACK TO WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT what were we talking about. right so he wouldnt actually need to rely on muggle methods that much... and the moment he turns 17 he can just use magic whenever. any muggle skills could fall into disuse. but like you said, this depends on how much you wanna weigh his arrogance vs pragmatism. i dont think itd be a big priority, im sure he can do pretty good wandless magic so theres never really a possibility he'll be magicless. he has everything he needs in him. but its definitely a fun idea and i do love fics that incorporate it!!! because it shows him as a cut above the purebloods who presumably wouldnt know those methods + calls back to his muggleborn-raised roots. god hes so[car runs over me]

I like to think that Voldemort knew how to kill with anything, like space and daggers, with his bare hands and even with weapons like pistols and rifles. In short, he knew every way to kill.

[lillupon]

So, I've got a very long rant/opinion here and Idk really know how to say this without coming off kinda bad but I'm gonna say it anyways. I agree with the fact that the seventeen tag has been kinda dry lately on most fanfic places, but it's really only in the smut area. It's the sane way with other groups too I feel like. All of the nice little innocent tags are boomin to this day and thats completely fine. I think the smut tag is dry tho bc lately I feel like a few social issues (like sexualizing people and disrespecting them and their identity) have crossed over into kpop and have been ?blown out of proportion? Lately there's been a rampage of people who like to say that writing smut about someone is disgusting and is dehumanizing because people want to assume that it would make the idols uncomfortable which could equate to some morality issues on how you are reducing someone only to their body without their consent and a bunch of stuff like that. It kind of pisses me off bc this is fiction. About grown adults. Clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life. I think a shit ton is wrong with the world we currently live in, and deciding to come after something that isn't even real bothers me. Like what does that actually accomplish. But yeah, I think thats a reason why smut has been dying down. I mean, on youtube almost every video about unpopular opinions, or things they dont like about kpop will include something about shipping idols in fanfics. And then everyone in the comment section will talk about how its all fine and dandy in moderation, but once people start writing smut it's crossing the idols personal boundaries. It's something I've been seeing a lot more often and I think people who are interested in writing smut are being turned away from it bc we've gotten to a point where people are being called disgusting for having fantasies.

Hi Anon, thank you for sending in this Ask. 

I want to preface this by saying: when I write or talk about Mingyu and Wonwoo fucking on my blog, it is a fantasy. I am not speculating about what the real Mingyu and Wonwoo might be like in bed. I am imagining the versions of Mingyu and Wonwoo that I have created in my head, that exist only in my stories. None of it is real. I understand that this can be a blurry boundary for some people. But for me, the separation between fantasy and reality is well-defined. Now, on to your Ask!

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. You’ve also touched on many of the issues I have been struggling with myself as of late. It’s difficult to argue about morals since everyone has a different set of values, as well as different comfort levels. Some people think real person fiction (RPF) is a gross invasion of privacy. Others are fine with it. And others don’t care one way or another. There is no single answer; I can only offer my answer. Which means, of course, people are welcome to disagree with it, or parts of it. 

In this essay (LOL But forreal: this is an essay), I will be sharing my experience in the k-pop fanfic community from 2014 to present, the etiquette I personally abide by as a reader and writer of RPF, as well as my stance on RPF in general.

I started reading and posting fanfics back in 2014/2015 on a website called AsianFanfics (AFF). Obviously, no one on that site had a problem with RPF, since AFF is a platform made specifically for sharing stories about Asian celebrities. For many years, I read and enjoyed RPF with zero guilt. I scribbled away by myself in my own corner of fandom and curated my own content. I didn’t interact much with other fans, readers, or writers. I didn’t have a Twitter, and I only used tumblr to reblog memes. As a result, I’ve been able to avoid a lot of anti-shipping discourse, as well as purity and cancel culture. I had no idea there were so many negative opinions about RPF. It wasn’t until I became active on the subreddit r/Fanfiction last year that I learned about all the discourse surrounding RPF. 

This newfound ‘awareness’ does make me feel guilty at times—but only because after mulling this over, I still don’t think this is something to feel guilty about.

Here’s what I remember, first and foremost, when I create and consume RPF: fanfics and my favourite ships are fictional, and fiction is fantasy. This is basic etiquette when it comes to RPF, and most people in the k-pop fandom understand this. Delusional fans exist, of course, but they are not representative of the entire k-pop community. 

Another point of etiquette is to keep fanfics within fandom spaces. I would never push my fics into celebrities’ faces, or go around claiming that my fanfics are accurate representations of a k-idol’s life or personality, in any way, shape, or form. I would also discourage directing ship-related questions to official accounts, or bringing them up during fansigns or other face-to-face interactions; I believe that in these instances, shipping does have the potential to strain real-life relationships.

So with basic etiquette out of the way, let me share my approach to RPF in general.

As much as we like to think we know our favourite celebrities, we really don’t. All we see is their public persona. And this public persona is intentionally controlled, managed, and curated by a team of people: directors, tabloids, editors, makeup artists, publicists, etc. How “real” are these celebrities? We are so distanced from them that they may as well be fictional.

I draw from the public persona that idols project, and I work them into my own writing. But at the end of the day, these personalities are my own interpretation. My interpretation is probably nothing like an idol’s actual personality. I just use the “public persona/character” that idols portray as inspiration for my own stories, which are set in wildly different universes.

More than anything, I think of k-pop idols as “actors” in my fic. You know how when you write an original novel, you scroll through Google images, looking for the perfect person to portray your original character? RPF is literally that, except you might build upon pre-existing dynamics and personalities.

When it comes to explicit fanfiction, two main concerns are prevalent: one of consent, and one of sexualisation.

If we argue against explicit RPF due to lack of consent, we should be willing to apply the same lens to all explicit works. How do we know that the creator of a movie, book, series, etc., is okay with us using their characters in our stories, explicit or not? We don’t. Perhaps some creators encourage fanfiction, but don’t want their lovingly crafted characters engaging in sexual acts or experiencing trauma. We just don’t know. I feel this line is even more blurred when we talk about characters from movies or TV series.

Let’s take Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, as portrayed by Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, from the Captain America movies as an example. I am willing to bet that when people consume and create explicit fanfiction about Steve and Bucky, they are imagining Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan in their heads. I doubt many people are imagining the 2D cartoon versions of Steve and Bucky, even though they’re technically the exact same characters. Why? Well, it could be because movies are more readily and easily consumed than comics, and so people are unfamiliar with comic book Steve and Bucky. But it might also be because fans find Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan attractive. Is this really any different from RPF, where fic authors make up everything about a celebrity’s life?  

When readers and writers of fanfic talk about how hot Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes is, those comments are about Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan’s bodies. When reading explicit stories, fans are going to picture Chris and Sebastian’s bodies in their head, doing sexual things. Can we say, “Well, it’s not really you, Chris/Sebastian”, when in a way, it is?

The reality is, people are going to thirst over celebrities, regardless of whether or not explicit fanfiction exists. They’re going to post thirst tweets on Twitter. They’re going to talk to friends and strangers online about how hot [insert celebrity name here] is. They’re going to fantasize about dating and having sex with their favourite celebrity. Or, as it is in my case, they’re going to make up stories in their heads about their favourite idols dating and banging each other. People are going to do all of this without ‘getting consent’ from the celebrity. Cracking down upon and shaming writers of RPF isn’t going to change any of that.

To be honest, I’m not sure why people think it is disgusting to imagine sexual scenarios about real people. It is okay and normal to have these kinds of fantasies. I suppose the alternative is to fantasise about having sex with cartoon characters instead? It’s a very binary way of thinking to say that if you imagine/write real people in explicit scenarios, you are immediately sexualising, dehumanising, or objectifying them. There is more to dehumanisation than writing smut about our favourite celebrities. For one thing, you can love someone and appreciate all parts of them, and still want to fuck their brains out. And generally, fanfics come from a place of love—love that is not only sexual in nature.

Is it the sharing aspect inherent to fanfiction? The possibility that a celebrity might stumble upon explicit works about them? The chances are very low, I think, of the k-pop idols I enjoy writing about coming across my English fics. But I also believe in curating your own content, and that applies to celebrities too. Perhaps a celebrity should not go searching for fanfics about themselves. And of course, people should not show celebrities their fanfics, unless invited.

Another argument I hear against (explicit) RPF is, “How would you feel if someone wrote fanfiction about you?” First off, I don’t like this argument because there’s a difference between someone who decides to be a public figure versus someone who decides to remain a regular private citizen. Celebrities should and do know what they’re getting into when they choose their occupation. (This is not to say, “They are celebrities; sexualise them all you want because that’s what they signed up for.” Here, I am only acknowledging that people might have sexual fantasies about celebrities they are attracted to. Presumably, celebrities are cognizant of this.)  

If someone (whose existence I am not even aware of, mind you) decides they want to write explicit fanfiction of me in some tiny corner of the Internet, I wouldn’t care so long as: (1) they don’t shove it into my face, and (2) they don’t harass me and ask invasive questions about my personal life and relationships. It’s not hurting me or negatively affecting my life, so it wouldn’t even register as a blip on my radar. When fanfiction remains within its appropriate spaces, it is largely harmless. 

Now, if a k-pop idol were to ask their fans to stop writing fanfiction about them, would I? Yes, I would. However, I can’t imagine that happening. Judging by the number of ‘sexy’ concepts, fanservice moments, and variety shows such as ‘We Got Married’, I am certain that k-pop idols realise they are the stars of many fantasies—some of which are explicit in nature. Considering the prevalence of shipping in the k-pop industry, I would argue that shipping is subtly encouraged.

It’s sad that so many talented writers are shamed out of fandom, or feel that k-pop cannot be the medium through which they tell their stories, or explore their sexuality, or cope with trauma, or simply have fun. Professional works and Hollywood love their RPF—readers and writers of fanfics should be able to, as well. 

As you said Anon, “clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life” (this is a lovely sentence, by the way). The kind of person who dehumanises another and reduces them to a sexual object will do so some other way, if not via fanfiction. I don’t think the issue of fetishisation can be fixed simply by telling people not to write explicit RPF. In my experience, people who read and write RPF are more respectful and thoughtful about these things than the general public. We’ve all seen the general public say highly sexual things about celebrities in the media and to their faces, or tag celebrities in their thirst tweets. Are these things less invasive than fanfiction? Personally, I don’t think so. And in my opinion, there are more pressing and damaging issues in stan culture than fanfic.

In conclusion, I don’t think there is anything wrong with creating and consuming RPF, both explicit and non-explicit so long as we:

Remember we are writing fiction

Keep RPF within its appropriate space, and

Do not harass celebrities about their personal lives and relationships

RPF is not for everyone. There may be people who enjoy RPF, but draw the line at explicit stories. This is fine. Everyone has their own personal preferences. What is not fine, however, is attacking people for creating things you don’t like. I’m not sure what kind of moral crusade people are on and what they hope to achieve by shaming writers of RPF, explicit or otherwise. Ultimately, fic authors are writing a fantasy. It’s not real; no one is being hurt. I think it’s important for people to curate their own content, and AO3 makes it very easy to filter out explicit works and unwanted tags. 

Maybe this is me trying to justify my own participation in explicit RPF—I don’t know. What I do know is that I love k-pop, and fandom is an important part of my media and entertainment experience. I adore the k-pop idols I write about, and I just want to imagine them being happy and getting lots of love and orgasms. Let a bitch be horny, goddamn… 

Some bonus fun facts!

At the time I am writing this, on AO3:

26.2% of Stray Kids fanfics are rated M or E

26.3% of Seventeen fanfics are rated M or E

29.0% of Merlin fanfics are rated M or E

34.9% of Captain America (Movies) fanfics are rated M or E

40.1% of BTS fanfics are rated M or E ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Coincidentally, I saw this post on Reddit this morning: Can we have a RPF positivity post?

[roseverdict]

Heyo! Me again! Finally have energy to reply (hope its okay that i prefer these over reblogs, and i don't know how seen replies are). Anyway! I think my increased emotion is noticing more details, yeah. I hadn't realized Arthur didn't know Lewis was dead into i read your fic (losing my mind, i think) and boy did that hurt to learn. In a fun way! Seeing things pointed out by comments and such too helps.

Either way, i keep getting the songs stuck in my head and going back lol. My babies! The lewis crying got me even the first time. A distinct "you picked /her/ over /ME/" from shiromori in hellbent (right before she brings out biggee shears). Feeling very much that mystery is being pulled between friend and what might effectively be his child. That he seemed willing to sacrifice himself or die for shiromori (and/or to protect vivi). Wondering what would have happened (hoping for better) if shiro had gotten to drink instead. Mystery's green cheek as he lunged at shiro after vivi was hurt also intrigues me for implications, that i haven't seen people mention yet. (I love Arthur and lewis but don't have tm Thoughts there yet)

(Just wanted to put them down somewhere, you don't have to reply, just even want to fish theories at someone). Anyway! I can feel myself being slowly dragged in, so the one of us from the last couple times is pretty accurate. Honestly I'm not fighting that much. Just hoping the timing /might/ pick up so i don't havr to wait two years for another thing that brings the grabby hands. I'm not holding out though, and am prepping to wait. Anyway, sorry for the long ramble, hopefully i didn't bother you with it. Thank you again for introducing me to it! The songs are starting to live in my head rent free! Normally id watch without the video by now or soon, but i can't listen without watching! Very good! I have future stuck in my head as we speak! Have a good day, and thank you for indoctrinating another to the fandom!

oh you're valid about preferring asks over reblogs, dont worry wkdnskd

also YES there is SO MUCH REWATCHABILITY in these funky little music videos and i'm just very glad this is giving you the serotonin like it does me

and, one more time for tradition's sake- >:)

ONE OF US ONE OF US O N E O F U S -

[kieren-fucking-walker]

Chapters: 9/9 Fandom: Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently

Summary:

One missing person is so normal it’s almost boring, and two really isn’t much better. A missing house on the other hand, that’s a little more interesting, and when an entire street disappears without a trace, it’s fair to say Dirk is in his element.

Then Todd goes missing, and he’s so out of his element it threatens to drown him.

It's all just symptoms of a bigger problem, one Dirk has been trying his hardest to ignore, something broken in the fabric of reality itself that's only growing worse with time. He's not the only one who feels it, but he might be the only one who can fix it. It's a thought that he doesn't even want to consider, let alone have to contend with when he doesn't know what he's doing and he no longer has Todd to help him out.

But Dirk isn’t ready to give up just yet, no matter what the universe tries to toss his way. Instead he finds allies in unlikely places, friends where he’d assumed enemies, and sets out for the one place on earth he swore he’d never go back to. He’s going to set things right if it kills him, it’s what he was meant to do, he has to fix this.

And get Todd back in the process. That part is non-negotiable.

*******************************************************************************************

Well, here it is! My entry for the @dghdabigbang just a little late, but close enough to count! As this is a Big Bang entry, it just so happens to come with art from the wonderful @lilymanzo who has made some really awesome stuff that you should absolutely check out here. Honestly some of this art kinda blew my mind a little bit and I’m pretty sure she must have worked her butt off to make it so you really shouldn’t read this without it. 

I have to send a quick thanks to @incorrigible-worksop for looking over the first few chapters for me when I couldn't work out if I was coming or going, and of course to @dont-offend-the-bees for looking over my whole fic in pretty much one night so it didn't go entirely un-beta'd, somehow managing to keep me writing this damn fic, and of course for running this whole thing. You've both been a massive help and I really appreciate it <3

I suppose I'll shut up now and let you get on with it. Despite my reservations I sincerely hope you all enjoy it!

Likes are appreciated, but ultimately useless to content creators, so if you read (or are intending to read) this it would be amazing if you reblogged it too!

[hilllsnholland]

Unpopular Opinions

Hey guys, I’m feeling REAAAAL ranty tonight so here are a few unpopular opinions that I just need to express before I honest combust into a million pieces. If y’all agree or wanna square up, come to my asks. ily enjoy my shit/anger post and feel free to add your own. 

Sometimes I feel like what we’re doing is so wrong. Like writing and sexualizing these people we’ve never met makes me feel so dirty. The only way I cope with it is the fact that I KNOW it’s not real. I’m using these people as face claims for characters. I know Tom/Harrison would not act in this way but sometimes it still gets to me 

I…just don’t care about Chaos Walking. At all. I had no interest in the book and the movie just isn’t my taste. Although I love both Tom and Daisy, I will probably wait until it's out online to watch it. 

Some of the fics on here are so abusive and gross??? HOW can y’all write and support it??? I use to read whatever and reblog anything I read or felt needed attention. Now I’m so picky with who I reblog from because I do not want to promote any blog that writes disgusting garbage or....you *know what* (if you’ve been here for a bit you KNOW what I’m talking about)

With that….can you guys learn to write? I’m so tired of fics in the tags that have no indents or breaks between paragraphs. No capitalize letters or proper grammar, just absolute mind-numbing stupidity. And then they get so many notes? It’s really annoying because I know so many other writers who spend hours EDITING to make sure their fics are flawless and get around 100 notes when some unedited cringe piece gets 200+. So da fuq?

Writing for Harry and Sam. I’ve completely stopped writing for the brothers because I felt insane guilt and embarrassment when writing for them. I think it’s because I think they’re normal and shouldn’t be glorified because they’re related to Tom. Like let’s be honest, if someone wrote a smut fic about Harrison’s sister everyone would EXPLODE

Tom is a grown ass man. Stop babying him. Stop trying to defend him from every little critique or joke. He can take it he’s almost 23. He doesn’t need teenage girls defending his ‘honor’. He knows he’s a dumbass 

Stop requesting such detailed or specific writing and then give hate to the writer when they don’t do it. I delete asks that I think are too specific or would not be fun to write. nothing annoys me more when I get a loooong ask, basically outlining a blurb from A-Z and then asking me to expand. Like sis, you JUST WROTE THE DAMN THING 

Also with the last point, writers, don’t write about topics you’re not qualified to write about! If you know nothing about Deaf people, don’t write Deaf!Reader fics! If you know nothing about mental illness/eating disorders, DONT WRITE ABOUT IT. If you know nothing about a culture, religion, or identity, DO. NOT. WRITE. ABOUT. IT. It’s more harmful to write an objectified, uneducated piece of writing than to write nothing at all. 

Just because a user writes smut, does not mean they want to be objectified and used for verbal porn. If I ask for dirty asks, send them. But if you send me asks about my personal life that are invasive or calling me sexual terms without my consent, you are creepy. 

Some blogs need to learn to keep their mouths shut. That is it.