#i no longer want to dwell on my neglect and am instead trying to fill my adult life with love and care and support

[wetwormz]

if you were neglected as a child you need to find yourself two girlfriends who will always tuck you into bed at sleepovers

[boflicker]

On Loneliness and Reparenting...

Deep below all the masks I carry, all the reaches I sink into, behind all the adventures and wild journeys I stumble my way through -

There is a well I carry deep inside of me, bottomless yet contained, enshrouding a landscape of grief.

No matter how many friends I find to contain it - I have always felt incredibly isolated and alone. Like am the outsider looking in.

I’ve found it hard all my life to communicate this feeling, because of course we all feel alone, we all go through times in our lives where we don’t fit in.

I used to shove those parts of myself away and laugh, because how useless was it to dwell in such trivialness? My troubles were a far cry from those suffered by many around the world. I just needed to suck it up; get over it.

But the feeling never went away, and the more I ignored it, the more it haunted me. My body would tell me to stop, to listen, but I dismissed it, until I couldn’t deny the pain seizing my chest, panic licking through my veins till I couldn’t breathe.

My body was saying, NO. You have to listen.

But still I didn’t, for years. I kept pushing myself to grow out of the walls of my limits. The more praise I got, the more I pushed. Everyone saw it as success, but in truth I was running - trying to out race my grief that felt like an ever growing monster seeking to consume me. I couldn’t stay still, stagnancy was my greatest fear, but I didn’t know that, instead I perceived it as death - the most finite form of inertia.

Competency veiled my inner suffering, because I had analysis of my trauma, could speak words to it, no one looked deeper to the cracks below the numbness.

I ran until I could no longer out compete myself; could no longer mask the well that sought to overflow in me.

When I stopped, I crumbled into a thousand pieces.

I didn’t know what I was anymore. When I looked in the mirror all I could see was failure.

I spent years aimlessly wandering, trying to unearth meaning in the pieces. I had to find another reason to grow that wasn’t the pounding of feet.

I tried on many hats, fell deeply in love, and asked if this was it, the life I wanted. But it wasn’t, they never filled the hollowness inside me.

It wasn’t until one day, I stopped searching, and decided to turn around. To face the shadow that haunted me; the well that had become overgrown.

For the first time I walked towards it, and as I came closer, I saw the stories that had built it, like geological layers kneaded into rock walls, eroding away with every breath, every tear - until I laid my hand on its surface, and looked in.

And I realized that what I had been terrified to witness, what had haunted my dreams since time unknown - was a child, scared and forgotten, trapped at the bottom of the well.

It was the child from my earliest memories, when I had to mask my fear in order to survive, and take care of the adults that I relied on to take care of me. It was the child that hid under the covers to escape when violence surrounded them, that counted their earliest years by the wounds left on their mother’s body. Who had to speak reason, when all they wanted to do was cry.

Who had no one to tell, and when they tried, were answered with outrage by the ones who were supposed to protect them. Who talked their mother out of suicide again and again. Who defended them when everyone judged. The secret keeper who held secrets for so long they lost their voice.

Below it all, every layer, was the one I chose to neglect. Who I abused and spat at in dreams, the child that was never able to be a child. Who was forever, undeniably, always unseen.

Always alone.

And finally, finally I allowed myself to grieve.

To lean into the hollowness that cradled me. And I realized it wasn’t a shadow, something that needed to be denied. It was a landscape left desolate without hands to nurture, but like a burned out forest, it was also beautiful in its starkness. Soils rich with wisdom to lay new seeds, because behind every sorrow is the potential for growth.

At first the child hid from me, they didn’t want to be seen. It had been alone for so long that it had become feral, strung on the means of survival. I didn’t know how to nurture, and it didn’t know how to receive tenderness.

I had to learn how to be patient, and be aware when it was whispering to me, trying it’s hardest to communicate.

I began to realize the only vocabulary the child understood was fear. And often it came at moments I wouldn’t expect, the triggers so small, and like a defense mechanism I would shut down like a castle closing its walls. I noticed it held the alarm system to my mind. It was the one telling me it needed to be heard when my chest constricted and I couldn’t breathe.

And so I learned to listen. To hold my hand to my chest, to move at the speed of trust. Grief is not a race, healing cannot be measured by time, but by the degrees of connection we grow towards.

And so I learned the name of the child was Loneliness. It was as a part of me as much as flesh and bone, and no matter how many people I loved and tried to fill that emptiness, it would never cap their presence within me.

I had to become their ally, their best friend. To put them first, because nobody else could.

So I built a home; a place beyond the well where they could explore and grow. Housed within a small tin shrine I always carry with me, wrapped in gifts of two grandmother’s, one I cherish and another who lives on within me. They are forever safe and held.

When I go on adventures, I hold out my hand and ask them to come with me. I learned to find what they needed before they were scared. And little by little, we discovered how to have fun together, to speak the language of trust.

Loneliness no longer scares me. It no longer feels hollow and formless. Now it has a shape I can touch and embrace. And when I’m sad, I can feel them hold my hand and grieve with me.

And I realize I’m not alone, I’ve never been alone. They have always been with me.

[infinite-inferno]

Even a Hero Needs Some Help Every Once in a While

Fandom: Jacksepticeye

Genre: Angst/ I guess hurt/comfort

Characters: Jackieboy Man, Henrik von Schneeplestein, Chase Brody, Anti (mentioned), Marvin the Magnificent (mentioned), Stacy (mentioned), Jack (mentioned)

Content warning: neglect of physical and mental health, depression, vague mentions of medical stuff, suicide mention, I guess you could read it as a mention of abuse, alcoholism, it gets positive and happy at the end though I swear

Jackieboy Man had a duty to fulfill and couldn’t afford to take a day off, not for his physical health, nor for his mental health, despite how frequently he needed one for either reason. But, he had to be on patrol every day, no matter what anyone said, because if he wasn’t then criminals would be able to get away with whatever they wanted, and he couldn’t live with himself if something happened because he wasn’t there. 

Today was another day where he really could’ve used a mental health day, but there was no way in hell he was doing that. So, he neglected his mental health and in doing so, his physical health also suffered; days like these he either ate way too much or didn’t eat at all, slept for either 12 hours or 2 hours (typically the latter, as he had to be with his brothers during the day or else they would get concerned, and that definitely couldn’t happen), he bottled up his emotions until his was absolutely alone (which rarely happened) and if by some miracle there was nobody else in the house or around anywhere he cried until he ran out of tears or was no longer alone, whichever came first (or he just felt so numb he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything, let alone cry and release his emotions). And today in particular he looked like absolute shit, as he had been having a bad day for going on 2 weeks now, and everything just kept building up and he was starting to wonder what his breaking point was and when he would reach it. 

His great solution for all his issues? Intense training all day, not stopping for any breaks, chastising himself over every tiny mistake that wasn’t even noticeable, and just working himself beyond his limits, but the pain, cuts and bruises were too much for him to continue on, so Jackie had to stop and do some quick first aid before he could go back to training. Schneeplestein found him rummaging through his medical supplies, attempting to take care of the injuries he gave himself. 

“Jackie… vhat are you doing?”

He whipped around, face pale and Henrik wasn’t sure if it was due to his medical condition or due to the shock of being found out. “... nothing…?”

“Bullshit, zat does not look like nozing. Spill, or else I am calling Anti.”

Jackie sighed and sat down on the table they used for any time Henrik had to treat injuries (which were typically Jackie’s). “I’ve just… had a couple bad days I guess. I’ve been training all morning to try and get myself out of this funk I’m in and get back to normal,” he then mumbled so quietly that Henrik strained his ears to hear it, “whatever that even means.” He returned to his normal volume to say “you don’t need to worry about me Henrik, I just hurt myself a bit while training but it’s nothing serious.”

The doctor bit his lip, not buying a word of it. “Vould you consider zis uh funk, as you called it, similar to Chase’s bad days?” Henrik eyed him warily, observing his reactions. His medical training tipped him off that Jackie was hiding something, as well as his own two eyes. 

Jackie’s reaction was immediate. “What?! No! Chase’s bad days are due to his depression, and I’m not depressed.” 

“Zen vhy are you being so defensive right now?”

“Because… because…” Jackie’s eyes filled with panic as he couldn’t come up with a reason. But he couldn’t be depressed, right? Nothing like what happened to Chase happened to him, he didn’t have any reason to be depressed so that couldn’t be it. Something just threw him off his groove, that’s all. 

“Because,” Henrik supplied, “you don’t vant to admit to yourself zat you have any veaknesses. Ja?”

Jackie, aware he was being read like a book, decided to just give up, putting his head in his hands and blinking back tears. He composed himself before huffing. “Fine. Maybe. But I’ll just get over it, and be right as rain soon enough. Please, don’t worry about me.” 

Henrik took a breath, keeping his skepticism to himself. “Ok. Vhat injuries do you have? Do you need mein help in treating anyzing?”

Jackie went quiet, nodding slightly, taking off his hoodie to reveal a once form fitting shirt that now hung loosely on his too-skinny frame. He lifted part of the shirt up to reveal a plethora of large lacerations that had been sloppily bandaged by Jackie, and Henrik was trying not to dwell on how thin he was and how he could see too many of his bones. “Yeah this happened last night, but I didn’t want to wake you or anything… I don’t think I cracked my ribs because that would hurt a lot more but there’s definitely a lot of cuts there… I did my best but I might need stitches doc…” Jackie looked down, embarrassed. The doctor didn’t say anything, and just got right to work. 

“Bite down on zis, I know you’ve done it before, but zis vill hurt.” He gave him a belt that was hanging up specifically for times like these. Jackie did as he was told, and sat through all the stitches he was given. It hurt like hell, but that’s what he got for not being careful enough. 

When Henrik finished, he took a deep breath, watching Jackie put his shirt and hoodie back on, deciding to go for it now. “Hey, Jackie…” he started softly “vhen did you last eat something?” 

The hero had to think about it for a decent amount of time, which was already a bad sign. “Well, I’ve been having some gum but not swallowing it, if that counts-”

“Nein.”

“Why does it even matter?”

“Goddammit answer ze damned question!”

“Okay, okay, jeez. Uh, I’m not sure…”

“Vas it today?”

“No.”

“Yesterday?”

“No…”

“Vithin ze last veek?”

“What day is it?”

“Ze 10th.”

“Then I don’t think so…” At that, Henrik abruptly grabbed the weary hero’s arm and dragged him into the kitchen, passing a confused Marvin on their way in. 

“Sit.” Henrik ordered in a tone that did not leave any room for debate once they got there and to the table. Jackie did as he was told as Henrik began making food for him - a piece of toast and some soup, the same thing that people who were sick typically had. At the realization, Jackie mumbled something about him not being sick, and if Henrik heard he chose to ignore it. “Vhen did you drink vater last?”

Jackie gave the type of laugh where he aggressively exhaled through his nose, not a full laugh but something, before responding with “fuck if I know. But I’ve had a shit ton of coffee and gatorade though?”

“Neither are vater, und you cannot substitute gatorade for vater, no matter vhat you zink.” He poured a large glass of water and placed it in front of Jackie, demanding that he drink it. Again, his tone was no nonsense and Jackie knew if he even tried to argue he wouldn’t win, so he reluctantly complied. As soon as he finished the glass Henrik immediately went to refill it, so he would keep drinking more and more water. When the food was ready, it was placed in front of him, and the smell was both enticing and nauseating. But he couldn’t dismiss it, as Henrik was staring at him, making sure he ate it. He started with the soup, starting by just taking the broth. “You know you need to eat more zan just ze broth ja?” 

Jackie rolled his eyes and took a bite from the soup. “Happy?”

“I vill be once you finish ze food.” 

He sighed as he slowly continued eating, the time between his bites getting longer as he went on, and he hated that he was wasting all this time. I have better things to do than to sit here and eat he thought. Or well, he thought it stayed in his head. 

“Nein. You need to eat mein friend.” 

“But Hen, I need to keep training!”

“You vill not leave zis house until you can prove to me you can take care of yourself. Und for ze next couple of days you vill not be training either. Vhen vas ze last time you slept a full 6-8 hours?”

“Ummm… I dunno, it’s probably been at least a month if not longer. Usually if I can get to sleep it’s only for a couple of hours… oh wait no I had a nice long like 11 or so hour rest like a week and a half or so ago. But before that it must’ve been…” he couldn’t finish, because he had absolutely no idea. 

Henrik looked at the amount of food in front of him, and decided that he ate enough (he would’ve preferred if he ate the whole thing but he could tell the bites were on the verge of being forced, and that would not be helpful. “Screw ze rest of ze food, you are going to sleep now. If you are hungry vhen you vake up, you can have somezing more. But for now, you sleep, ja?” 

Jackie nodded, glad that he didn’t have to try and eat anything more. Granted, this meant he needed to sleep, and he wasn’t sure how easy that was going to be, but it still wasn’t eating. He stored away the soup and just tossed the few bites of toast he had left before putting the dishes in the sink to be washed later by one of them. He then made his way to his room, flopping on the bed and resisting the urge to take out his phone and spend hours just scrolling, because then he would never get to sleep. Instead, his mind kept him busy, berating him for letting Schneep see him like that. The next thing he knew, he checked his phone and a bit over an hour had gone by already. He sighed, deciding that since Henrik was the one who wanted him to sleep, he could help him to actually fall asleep. 

“Hey Hen?”

“Vhat are you doing out of bed?”

“I’m having… I’m having trouble falling asleep. Do you have any like… melatonin or something? Any kind of medication I can take because this is not working out.”

Henrik’s face softened, and he went to where he kept the medicine and unlocked it (Chase is the primary reason it was always locked) and sifted through a number of bottles before landing on the right one - the Trazedone bottle (he could’ve given him something else, but it also acted as an antidepressant, and he had a feeling Jackie could use one). “Before you take zis, und be honest, have you had any suicidal zoughts or actions? I von’t tell ze ozers if you’d like, but as a doctor I need to know.” 

“No, I mean I don’t take care of myself as well as I should, obviously, and I might get myself into dangerous situations when on patrol, but like I haven’t really thought about like, dying - not a lot at least. I mean if I did, it was once or twice or something, and I snapped right out of it because that’s not me. That’s not my normal.” 

Henrik nodded and opened the bottle, handing him 2 pills. “You may vant to eat a small somezing vith zis, und I am not just saying zat so you vill eat. You can have a candy bar for all I care, but it vould help to reduce any negative effects it could have.” Jackie nodded, and got out a small Hershey chocolate bar, eating that and then taking the pills. He thanked Henrik and went to his room, where he finally began to have a decent sleep. 

Jackie woke up and freaked out when he saw that it was 1am because he should be on patrol right now what is he doing sleeping?! He sighed and rolled onto his back when he remembered Schneep put him on bed rest for a while, and rolled his eyes. He stood up and went to get his suit, figuring that it wouldn’t hurt to go out for a little while, but he found that where his suit should be, there was a note instead in a familiar messy scrawl. 

‘I told you, you’re on bedrest. That means no patrolling for you. You may think that me taking your suit is a bit extreme, but you are just so predictable, and I want to make sure you stay safe, because I care about you. Now, I know you will not go back to sleep most likely, and it is wishful thinking that you would go and eat something or drink any water, but please try one of the three things. It won’t kill you, I swear, and I should know - I’m a doctor.

- Henrik’

Jackie smiled at the sentiment, but crumpled up the paper and threw it at the wall. “He fucking took my suit? Does he not trust me at all?” He rolled his eyes. “Ok, to be fair you were literally about to do that exact thing, so he has a right to not trust me.” He sighed and flopped back onto the bed. He supposed he could try and fall asleep again, but he found it very unlikely. Eventually however, he fell back asleep for a couple hours. 

----------------------------------

He woke up again with light shining through the window, and checking his phone it was a reasonable hour to be awake. Jackie stood up and walked out of his room. He first saw Chase when he walked out, and impulsively said “Chase? Hey uh, can I talk to you about something?” Chase looked confused for a moment but nodded. 

“Do you want to go into one of our rooms or stay out here? I dunno how serious this talk is but based on your face it seems kinda serious…” 

Jackie nodded. “Can we go to your room?” 

“Sure.” They walked to Chase’s room, and when they got there, Chase closed the door and sat on the bed, patting the spot next to him for Jackie to sit down, which he did. “So, what’s on your mind?”

“How do you deal with your um… your…” Jackie bit his lip, not wanting to say the word. 

Chase raised an eyebrow, “my depression?” 

“Y-yeah…” 

Chase had a good idea to not ask why Jackie wanted to know this, but given his fidgety behavior and how he is way less confident than he usually is, he had a good idea of why he was asking. “I gotta say dude, it’s the one of the toughest battles I fight, the only worse thing being the battle against my addiction. But doc gave me some medicine to try and lessen it, and I like to journal my feelings. I know there’s a bunch of phone apps for it, I stick to traditional pen and paper. And it’s basically a diary, but don’t tell anyone I called it that, but I just write about the emotions I felt and if anything happened that could possibly be related to it. You wanna see it?” 

Jackie just shrugged. “I mean, if it’s too personal, I don’t wanna intrude on your super personal details or anything…” 

“Nah, I got nothin’ to hide really. Here, lemme get it.” He reached onto the table by his bed, pulling out a spiral notebook. He flipped to more recent pages and showed one to him. “See, I start by writing the date and any adjectives that come to mind that describe my mood. There’s some days where I have a lot of them and a lot are contradictory to each other, and there’s some days where I only have a couple. This one, oh yeah this is from when I got to see my kids!” He smiled fondly at the day, reading back over it. “Yeah, that carried me for most of the day I remember, that’s why it’s the only thing really in here for the day. Now, the next day was- yup that wasn’t a good day. Stacy called me just to yell at me for how I spoiled the kids,” he read it, sighing, “then ya know, called me a bad father and what not, usual Stacy shit, and I got so close to breaking my sobriety but… actually it was you that stopped me… not by doing anything about alcohol but you just said hi to me when I was on my way to try and find some and after that I… I couldn’t’ve done it so I pretended I just wanted a snack heh… memories huh,” he laughed weakly. 

“You asked how I deal? Well on the days when the meds aren’t enough I usually try my best, if I can, to talk to one of you guys. You all help to distract me from the shitty things that go through my mind. Because you know as well as I do that there’s always something going on in this house that even existing in the living room is enough to have a decent distraction for the most part. On the days though where I can’t even get out of bed… I still try and distract myself by doing random shit on my phone, sometimes I just try and vent out all my issues and thoughts by writing them down in my notes app because my phone is so much closer and easier to write on than an actual piece of paper. Plus I can also delete it when I’m done so all the negative thoughts can just disappear into the cloud. But there isn’t one set recipe for self care or anything like that. I know some people like to do relaxing shit like meditation or whatever but I just can’t do that, my mind needs to stay active or else I’ll get lost in my own thoughts. It took me a while to figure out what works, and hell I’m still figuring it out. There’s no rush though, and it’s okay if you can’t figure everything out right away.” Chase smiled and closed the notebook, placing it right back on the table. “Is there anything else you wanted to know?”

Jackie shook his head. “No, I think you covered it all. Thanks.”

“Any time. And if you ever want to talk about anything, I’ll gladly lend an ear. I know how hard it is to open up, but once you do it feels amazing. And if you don’t want to talk to any of us, when I went to therapy right after my attempt it really helped cuz I didn’t want to talk about any of that with you guys because I was just so embarrassed. I don’t think I’d be where I am today if Jack didn’t drag me to therapy.” 

Jackie hugged him, then left the room, heading back to his own. He would have something to eat later, he had some things to figure out about himself first.

[whitestonetherapy]

Negativity... (2.9.19)

If you're anything like me, you'll know that sometimes your mind can be your own worst enemy.  

Most of us have times that our mind can't settle - times when we're prone to making just about every 'thinking error' in the book.  Catastrophising, jumping to worst conclusions, making generalisations that are unhelpful, being highly self-critical etc.  We might find ourselves increasingly focusing on the negative side of life and feeling pessimistic.  

When this happens we'll often give more thought to negative situations in our lives.  We might think of all the things that could go wrong at work next month, or dwell on the times we've been treated badly in the past.  Then it's easy to get stuck in a loop of unhelpful thinking.  Roughly speaking, when you focus on the negative, your mood becomes lower, and so you focus more on the negative things. Boom...

The human brain has an inbuilt bias that tends to veer towards focusing on 'negatives', and this is just part of how the human brain seems to work.  We also have a tendency to notice the bits of information that support our state of mind (and so 'the way we see the world').  This means, for example, that if we are in a bad mood we're more likely to remember any unfriendly interactions when we visit our local town.  Dwelling on these unfriendly interactions will reinforce our low mood and may reinforce an idea that "other people are rude to me", and over time this becomes a fixed prediction for how people are likely to treat me in future.  (And so our negative predictions begin to colour future interactions).  

In scenarios like this, friendly social interactions are more likely to be ignored, and we'll assign more focus and attention to the negative experiences we have.  These become 'proof' of our theory about others.

This kind of inbuilt cognitive bias plays a big part in therapy too.  In therapy sessions sometimes people will say "I want to be happy" - something I can definitely understand.  But it is a fact that our brains are not evolved to produce happiness but to focus on survival.  Problem-solving has been the chief concern of the human brain for all of our evolutionary history.  The main goal of the brain is to solve potential problems, to automate tasks and take the need for conscious thinking out of as many of our daily tasks as possible, and to make 'predictions' to ensure we survive.  

This means we have natural default settings in our minds that ensure we allocate much more attention to problems than we do to situations which go according to plan.  It is because of this tendency to focus on solving problems (above, say, counting our blessings), that our perceptions of the world can become quite skewed, often to the pessimistic side of things.  

Hans Rosling (a Swedish researcher) quite famously demonstrated this tendency in a piece of research in 2013.  His research asked the question:  " Has the percentage of the world population that lives in extreme poverty almost doubled, almost halved or stayed the same over the past 20 years?"   Only 5% of respondents correctly answered that poverty has actually halved.  Our bias towards pessimism or a negative appraisal of situations sometimes means we can be really, really wrong...  In fact, this is the case with almost every quality-of-life metric.  Things have improved so much in the last fifty years, and yet the sense of pessimism remains high.

Like moths to a flame, we seem to be particularly drawn to 'problems' in all forms.  In 2014 a study at McGill University examined people's consumption of written news media and looked at the stories participants chose to read in what they thought was an eye-tracking experiment.  What the results showed was that even the participants who said they wanted more good news stories were much more drawn to 'negative news content'.  And in the absence of any sizeable problems, our minds will often work overtime to create some new ones - to find some new angle, some new (hitherto unimportant) issue on which to rest our attention and focus our concerns.  

This is partly due to "prevalence-induced concept change", a theory that suggests that as the prevalence of a problem is reduced, humans are naturally inclined to redefine and broaden the nature of 'problems' themselves.   This means that as things improve all around us, our definition of 'bad news' is just widened to find new things that are bad to report on.  We recast our 'problems' and simply discover a load more of them.  I suppose this is far more common in the developed, capitalist, liberal West  (where to some extent the 'problems' that have made life miserable for countless generations before the last several have now been solved) than in developing nations.  And so we see a recasting of 'problems' in new and unresolvable directions, one example being the current obsessional focus on 'identity politics'. Closer to home, I recently spent many hours looking at YouTube reviews for a new iPhone, obsessing about a choice between LCD or OLED screens as though something serious depended on my choice (both screens are far better than anything remotely possible even five years ago - and both are effectively identical to the normal eye).  Perhaps it fills the time in the absence of survival-critical problems...

We are also subject to something called "availability bias".  This bias was noted in a study by Tversky and Kahneman in the 1970's, whereby respondents seriously overestimated the frequency of crime, due to the overwhelming reporting of crime on the news.  Random violence or sudden, explosive bad things make the news because they shock and happen suddenly.  Good news - such as acts of kindness - are common and tend to form part of the clement background conditions in which life unfolds.  The good news doesn't have the power to make a sudden splash that changes perceptions that, say, warfare, accidents or disasters have.  Bad news is sudden and explosive, and so is exaggerated in our minds.  Real tragedies are thankfully rare, but never in history has each tragedy had such global coverage.

So, bad news arrives in ways that are far more eye-catching than good news. Then our mind focuses on problem-solving in ways that exclude more positive appraisals of the situation.  In evolutionary terms, it simply makes sense for us to dwell more on risks.

Add to this that people tend to think in relative and not absolute terms.  It matters how you are doing compared to others around you, far more than it matters how you are doing in a general sense.  This is why, whatever goal we reach, we experience a short burst of euphoria before quickly resetting and then taking for granted our new situations. It's why, for example, acquiring a new car only brings temporary satisfaction, before the problem becomes, say, a small scratch we've noticed on the rear bumper.  It's why a big promotion and pay rise quickly leads to wondering whether the person next to you was given an even bigger pay rise.  When things get better in our lives, this relativizing behaviour means we quickly reset our expectations and focus on the next set of problems.

During my years trading derivatives, I remember we would leave the trading floor and go to one of the pubs in Leadenhall Market after the close of the trading day.  One topic always came up - "losing trades".  You'll always find traders talking at great length about losing trades.  In fact, many traders remember their losing trades and losing days for far longer than they remember profitable days.  It's the days that everything goes against you that stick in your mind.

This is a long way round of saying that it's actually very hard to overcome your tendency to dwell on the negative side of things!  People often say "I don't want to feel so negative about everything", and it's useful to understand that your brain is doing what it is evolved to do.  

But this can be debilitating if it runs unchecked.  We can try and counter this tendency and bring some balance to our inner-lives, and it is possible to take steps in this direction.   There's lots of way of approaching this, but here are some questions you can ask yourself if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of negative thinking.  You can check your thinking by asking:

Where is the evidence for my belief(s)?

What impact is this way of thinking having on me?

Am I jumping to conclusions?

Is there any evidence to disprove my belief?

Am I concentrating on my weaknesses, and neglecting my strengths?

Am I taking things too personally?

Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms?

Am I overstating the chances of something bad happening?

Am I predicting the outcome instead of experimenting with it?

Am I expecting total perfection?

Am I being open to evidence that 'disproves' my worst fears?

If I had to come up with a more balanced/helpful belief, what would this belief be?

If you have a problem situation in your life, you can try sitting down somewhere and taking twenty minutes to write out answers to these questions.  Really explore your own style of thinking.  If you spend some time doing this, you'll begin to condition yourself to avoid getting stuck in a spiral of negative thinking and hopefully more able to take a balanced view of your life.

www.whitestonetherapy.com

[whispersafterdusk]

The Master’s Apprentice - ch 6

Time passed quickly when all he let himself think about were his lessons; some days Kestrel introduced something new, some days she made him review what he'd already learned.  He had reached a point where throwing frost, water, fire, wind, or lightning was second nature, able to do so in the blink of an eye with both hands aimed in front of him or pointed in different directions (and he'd even managed to get the spray radius almost up to that of a two-handed cast - something he was definitely proud of).  

He'd also been introduced to casting earth and rock spells (there really wasn't any better descriptor for those) and, because of that, had learned that one of the locked doors he hadn't been able to explore opened into a very long, gently sloping staircase that led to a large storeroom. ((Continued below cut))

"This sort of magic will strengthen you against physical sorts of damage similar to a ward's defense against magic and allow you to change the landscape around you but, unlike with fire, frost, or lightning, you aren't able to simply create earth or stone out of nothing...I have yet to figure out why," she'd explained.  

Within the storeroom were stacks upon stacks of wooden logs, carefully preserved bolts of cloth, empty bottles and a variety of tools and pieces of things to repair the tools; at the very rear of the room where there had once been logs was where Kestrel set him to practicing these new spells -- he'd called stones from the ground and shaped the soil, and had dug the back of the room out further (and learned that yes, she had not been exaggerating when she'd said that moving earth like this was difficult: the harder he pushed outward the more the soil he was exerting force on and the effort required to keep moving it kept increasing exponentially unless he was careful with how he pushed and adjusted things).

Between the earthen spells and his ever strengthening wards (practice, practice, practice) Onmund was actually confident in his own defense - far more than he'd been at the College, that was for sure.  He'd been trapped down here, by his count, for about five and a half months and he was already well advanced beyond what he imagined his peers were at.

Of course...it was difficult to think about them, or about anything else on the surface; nighttime was the worst time to be alone with his thoughts.  His supposed immortality aside, it hurt to think that he'd never see anyone he knew again...he'd never love or get married, have a family, he'd never adventure and see what the world had to offer.  He was trapped in an elaborate hole in the ground, and would possibly be here until the end of time itself...and at night when his tired mind caught him unaware the realizations cut deeply, and made his eyes burn and his heart ache.

And strangely, it made him wonder how Kestrel had managed to be alone for so long.  From the little snippets here and there he gathered that she'd been alone for nearly fifty years or so before he'd fallen down here, and that while she'd had quite the number of apprentices they had been spread out over long periods of time interspersed with even longer periods of total isolation.  How had she not gone mad?  How had she wrestled with the feelings of loneliness, of regret and longing?  She still refused to tell him her exact age and he knew she had to be ancient...perhaps it was a question of time needed -- time needed to mourn and miss things, and time to heal and move on.

He still hadn't asked her what had happened to the man before him; she didn't talk about him aside from the odd comment here or there, explaining how whatever she was teaching him was something she'd discovered alongside that previous apprentice, and she'd let slip no hints whatsoever about who he'd even been or how long he'd dwelled with her.

It was a mystery he woke up one morning deciding he needed an answer for: if the previous apprentice had been gifted immortality then where was he? Surely, after all her warnings and sympathy about Onmund being unable to ever leave, she hadn't actually LET the other man leave.

"...may I ask you something, before we begin today?"

"Of course."

He hesitated a moment, slowing to a stop about halfway to the Hall of Mirrors; Kestrel took a few steps more to notice he'd paused before she stopped and turned around.

"The spell you have on me... If you created that with your last apprentice, and it also gave him immortality...why were you alone when I fell down here?  What happened to him?"

She smiled faintly and shook her head.  "I was wondering when you'd work up the nerve to ask about those that came before you.   Follow me, I will show you something."

She turned around and started back down the hallway but instead of the Hall she went to her own room; Onmund followed and once he was inside saw that her room was nigh identical to his in layout save for a flat table-like structure covered with a cloth in the center of the room, a coffin of white wood that stood next to a wardrobe, and a polished, pale brown wooden coffin on a wide, tall stone slab where a bed should have been.  With a very intricate, complex wave of her hand and an uttered word the stone slab ponderously moved aside to reveal a hole carved into its middle -- Kestrel walked over and stepped down onto the first rung of the stone ladder within the hole and, when Onmund followed her a moment later, he found the ladder went down for quite a ways (and it was tight, claustrophobic even - barely wide enough to fit his shoulders).

Eventually his boots landed on a chilly stone floor, with the only light being that pitiful amount that managed to make it from the hole at the top of the ladder down to this level; he suspected they were even deeper down than the storeroom had been and this room was absolutely frigid and their steps echoed in the space.

Kestrel conjured a series of very tiny magelight orbs - each about the size of her thumb, and sent them into the room in a flurry of light where they twinkled like fireflies; as the room steadily filled with their golden glow Onmund's eyes widened at what they revealed:

Coffins.  Heavy iron sarcophagi lined the walls to either side of what was essentially a stone vault - he could count twenty seven that had their lids on, and five more that stood open with their lids set perpendicular across their tops.  Each one shimmered in the magelight, their tops and sides polished to a sheen and with what he assumed were names carved near the heads.

"Here before you you see the apprentices of the past -- and before you ask, all save for one of them died of old age," Kestrel said softly.  "And, not all of them died down here... I have moved from den to den over the years but did not want to leave them behind, buried and forgotten."

Onmund took a few careful steps into the room before looking back to her; Kestrel nodded to him - she apparently didn't mind if he took a closer look.

Jyrmi, Brellin, Evulme, Balur, Agati... Each closed coffin that held a body bore a name and not a single speck of dust, and all of the coffins were finely crafted.  He walked halfway through the room, pausing where the magelights had stopped at the border between dim light and darkness; the room continued on but Kestrel had purposely not sent the magelights back far enough to fully light it.  The coffins to either side of him were empty...were there just more empty ones back there?

(And exactly how far ahead did she plan?  It was a chilling thought that one of these had almost had HIS name on it).

"I - I guess I understand why most of these would be here," he said slowly, looking back at her from over a shoulder.  "But I don't understand why you'd show me this - if he was immortal he should still be alive.  Why did he die?  Is he even down here?  Are one of these his?"

Kestrel conjured a much larger orb this time and sent it rocketing to the far end of the room - Onmund shielded his eyes as it raced by him - and there it stopped against the back wall, revealing a single pathetic, lonely wooden coffin shoved into a corner.

The wood looked old and dry rotted, it had no name; it was coated in dust and dirt and looked neglected.  He gave Kestrel an uneasy look and she slowly strolled toward him between the line of coffins.

"I am not so isolated here as I've made you believe," she started.  "I can choose to observe the surface world.  It's possible to come and go from here if you know how to navigate the web of protections that surround this place.  Many of my apprentices I observed for years, watching them grow and gauging their ambitions, until I offered them a chance to learn from me and plucked them from the life they had.  He was one of those...a very ambitious, curious man.  Oftentimes he was shunned for radical ideas and his penchant for asking questions, challenging 'common' knowledge.  He leapt at the chance to learn under my tutelage - I was offering him exactly what he desired, and he was the perfect companion in all aspects...TOO perfect.  I foolishly loved the man - it was difficult not to.  That was why I couldn't bear the thought of outliving him, but I couldn't bring myself to turn him either."

Onmund looked back to the wooden coffin again - it definitely didn't look like it belonged to someone that was loved.  "What happened?"

"We began to craft our spell... And when it seemed we had succeeded we were both especially cautious not to be too hopeful but also incredibly drunk on the rush of our triumph.  For twenty years we carefully monitored him - his appearance, his mental and physical health and needs.  Nothing changed.  We declared it a victory.  And when he was convinced he had immortality with no adverse side effects he went to rid himself of me - the romance had been a ruse."

She said it all matter-of-factly, with hardly any emotion, but Onmund himself was incredibly disturbed and confused.  "I...but...  But he needed you for the immortality...why would he try to kill you?  HOW did he try to kill you?  I can't so much as sneeze in your direction without going unconscious."

She laughed softly and rested a hand on his shoulder.  "At the time we didn't realize it was shared characteristics...our intentions hadn't been to share, but to gift.   And once he thought he had his gift he no longer needed me, just the vast amount of knowledge that he coveted and the freedom to move forward on his own, the-" Kestrel abruptly stopped, biting her lower lip.   "-the thing be damned," she finished after a pause.

"Thing...?"

"The thing we guard.  That he and I once both guarded out of fear for what it could possibly do," she elaborated.  "For all I know he decided he could control that too, and needed me gone so he could take possession of it.  I don't know and I don't care, and it's too late to ask him now.  To save myself I was forced to kill him, and once he was dead I felt everything I'd gained from him fade...to say nothing of how it feels to have your heart so cruelly broken."

A silence fell between them; Onmund couldn't help but stare at the coffin - his predecessor, right there in front of him, and by all accounts a traitor, a liar, and a would-be murderer.

"So he tried to attack you, failed, and you killed him.  Like you almost killed me?"

Kestrel shook her head.  "No no, when the spell was between myself and him it wasn't able to kill, and did not prevent him from harming me...it wasn't until after that - much, much later - that I figured out how to add that in.  I am not taking that chance again."  She turned on a heel and began to walk back to the ladder; the large magelight orb over the coffin in the corner extinguished and, as she walked by them, the other tinier ones began to as well.

Onmund hurried to follow her so he wouldn't be left alone in the dark, and it was a very long climb back up into her room; his arms and legs were burning by the time he hauled himself out of the opening and rolled off the stone slab onto his knees, sitting there in the floor and waiting for the slab to slide back into place before he used it to push himself back to his feet.

She was already moving toward the cloth-covered table and with a flourish yanked the cloth free; the table was a sheet of mirrored glass marked with runes and etched with constellation drawings.  At her gesture he came over to look at it -- it was amazing craftsmanship and he'd not seen anything like it before, and he wondered what its purpose was but assumed she'd be telling him if she was showing it to him now.

"This..." she said quietly, running her fingers lightly over its smooth surface, "is a scrying table.  A means to look at things from far distances - assuming what you're looking at isn't warded to block your sight."

"Scrying...  I've heard of that, actually," Onmund murmured.  He too reached out a hand to rest his fingers against the silvered glass; it was cold to the touch and he could feel a sort of latent power within it - something that would awaken with the right application of...something.  "I didn't realize you needed something like this to do it though."

"You don't," Kestrel laughed.  "You can use a simple map and a pure crystal - I prefer quartz - but it's considerably more difficult, and I dislike doing things the hard way for no reason."

"How does it work?"

"It's a combination of invested magicka from the caster, a high degree of mental focus, and knowledge of your subject or target," she explained.   "Having something belonging to someone you're wanting to scry helps but it's not required."

Onmund leaned forward, admiring the etchings and designs within the mirrored surface.  "Will I learn how to use this?"

"Of course...though, don't get your hopes up, it will be awhile.  It takes a lot of mental training that we've not gotten to yet."

The thought of being able to scry his family, his friends...to be able to see them again, even if it was just through a mirror, was a very tempting, attractive thought.  "I definitely want to learn."

With a soft chuckle she placed hands on his shoulders and turned to guide him out of her bedroom.  "In time.  To build a house you have to have a sturdy foundation - likewise, to climb to new heights with magical skill you must first have a solid foundation of knowledge."

"Yes, yes, I get that," he said with a small laugh.  He took a few quick steps to get out in front of her, shrugging off her hands.  "What are you showing me today, then?"

"I think today is a fine day to review," came her answer as she stepped ahead of him and led the way to the Hall of Mirrors.

-----------------------------------------------

Onmund had gotten into the habit of keeping a bound book of blank parchment sitting on his desk - something he thought he could have used as a journal, to leave some record of his discontent and attempts to find freedom again - and yet he hadn't done that at all.  Every morning he instead placed another tally mark in a row to keep track of how long he'd been here; by his count he'd been here eight months and six days exactly, which hardly seemed like any time at all.  

There were mornings where he woke before Kestrel came for him and he would sit at his desk and read sometimes but far more often he would retreat into daydreams -- he wondered how long the others had looked for him before giving up, how long they'd waited to let his family know he'd "died," or IF they'd even told his family yet...he knew his family would demand a body to be buried which the College obviously couldn't give them.  How angry would his parents be at them?  Or at HIM for refusing their wishes to be a hunter or farmer and becoming a mage, and (no doubt in their eyes) dying because of his idiotic choice?

There was a part of him that thought he should hate Kestrel for all this...but he didn't.  And he also thought that he should still be trying to escape despite the spell that could kill him with a thought...and yet, he didn't want to do that either (and not just because he'd die).  He hadn't even given it a thought in...a month, maybe more.  The things he was learning here he felt he couldn't learn anywhere else and...well.

Kestrel was a good teacher - a good master mage.  He had a lot of learning to do before he'd be advanced enough to help her research or anything like that but she never held that against him. She was firm but kind, never talked down to him, patiently helped when he asked, kept his curiosity and eagerness alive and strong with each new thing, and carried herself with a confidence no doubt born out of untold years of experience - that she seemed terrified of whatever it was that they guarded down here...he wondered if it was better if he never found out.  But he knew he would, eventually -- Kestrel's lessons this week had been of mental strength: sharpening his focus, withstanding mental assaults, broadening his ability to multitask (multicast?) rapidly by demanding he juggle several spells or problems all at one time.  He'd thought at first that this would be the precursor to learning how to use the scrying table - and maybe it was part of that - but the last few days she'd really doubled down on increasing his mental defenses.

She was preparing to tell him about the thing that was down here with them.  She had to be.

Another week went by, and then another.  Her lessons didn't change from the mental exercises, nor did she allow him time to practice anything other than that; it was starting to become a bit nerve wracking waking up each morning wondering if today would be that day.

And yet when that morning finally came he found himself oddly calm -- he'd been anticipating this for weeks so maybe it wasn't too strange...   Well, he supposed that he hadn't really been afraid of the Eye of Magnus at first either as he had no idea what it was at the time (and look at what'd happened with THAT).

With little fanfare (and hardly speaking) Kestrel led the way back to her room and moved her coffin and the stone slab aside again; they climbed in silence down the stone ladder to the chilled mausoleum and then walked by the dim light of a single magelight orb to the far end of the room where the wooden coffin of the last apprentice sat.  Kestrel veered toward the corner opposite of that coffin and seemed to simply disappear into thin air, though the air itself appeared to ripple like a pond's surface.  Onmund paused, uncertain of what he'd just seen, then Kestrel's disembodied hand stuck out of the midst of the air ripples and gestured for him to come closer.

He did and felt the hair on his arms stand on end as he passed through some sort of magical field; looking back out into the room was almost nauseating as everything visually rippled, like he was at the bottom of a deep pool looking upward.  There was a semi circle of runes carved into the floor and up the walls that were only visible if he was standing within it and Onmund swore his teeth were vibrating from all the power concentrated in this one tiny area; it was a very bizarre feeling overall but it did look as though they simply stood together in a rune circle as the walls and floor still remained - or appeared - solid.

Kestrel then began reaching out to runes etched into the walls, touching them rapidly and in a sequence Onmund had no hope of following; he heard a deep thrum, and felt it in his bones too, and then a sliver of the wall disappeared -- it was a sliver just barely wide enough to let Kestrel slide through turned sideways, and it was a considerably tighter fit for his larger frame.  By the time he'd squeezed through he was panting and shaking a bit from the sudden onset of immense claustrophobia and jumped a bit at Kestrel's cold hand on his arm.

The light that came through the gap in the wall seemed to be swallowed up by the darkness in this room; there was a sharp border at the edge of it's light - very sharp, like something solid stood there but Onmund couldn't see anything...but he could feel something.   Something that scratched at his mind, a mental tickle, a hissing that rose and fell with the cadence of someone speaking...something in this room wanted his attention.  A sense of unease filled him and he clamped down with the mental protection spells Kestrel had been drilling into him for three weeks; the scratching and whispering became quieter, but didn't go away completely.

Kestrel's fingers dug into his sleeve - she hadn't let go of him since they'd stepped into his room.  At her quiet word a magelight orb appeared above their heads and its light too cut off abruptly about ten feet from them as though a wall was casting a shadow there, but all Onmund could see was a deep darkness.

"I am only going to show you a glimpse," she said quietly.  "I don't dare risk anything longer than that.  Are you prepared?"

"I...I think so."

Kestrel kept her hand on his arm but tugged and pushed him ahead of her, positioning him so he directly faced the darkness; only then did her hand move from his arm to his waist and her other came up to rest at his belt as well.

Then the darkness dropped, and the whispers and scratching hit him with renewed strength.

It wasn't language as he recognized it - it wasn't words.  It was...emotion, and images.  He didn't even fully grasp what he was looking at as he wrestled to keep the wordless whispers at bay -- he saw a brief glimpse of something black and shining like obsidian, spiky and about the size of a book, and as his gaze fell on it he felt a compulsion to pick it up and put it on.

Whatever it was wanted him to wear it - it was a powerful artifact and Kestrel had no right to keep it from its rightful wielder.  He saw himself as Arch-Mage in a spiked crown, guiding young minds without fear of persecution or concern about what the damned Nords thought of his College.  All he needed to do was cross the room, pick it up, put it on, and he'd be free of his damned slave master as well.

And between Kestrel's firm grip on his hips and his own struggle to stay put he managed to cut through the scratching and non-noise, through the compulsion; he grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut - NOT looking at it shut him off from the desire to grab the...the whatever that was, though it did little to silence the noise in his mind.

And then it went silent - or as silent as it had been when they'd first entered; his heart was beating rapidly and he felt a little lightheaded, and put a hand to Kestrel's on his hip and took comfort that yes, she was still there.  When he finally worked up the courage to open his eyes he found the strange wall of darkness was back in place.  Everything had returned to normal.

He shrugged Kestrel's hands off and, on unsteady legs, squeezed himself back through the gap in the wall and into the mausoleum, falling against one of the nearby empty iron coffins and trying to get his heart rate and ragged breathing back under control.  He was only faintly aware of Kestrel coming out through the gap behind him and replacing all the warding spells; his heartbeat was impossibly loud in the quiet, and he didn't argue when she gently slipped one of his arms over her shoulder and in turn slid one of her arms around his waist and half guided, half carried him back to the far side of the room to lean him against the wall beside the base of the ladder.

It felt like an age had passed before he composed himself, and when he looked up to Kestrel she wore an expression devoid of any emotion.

"What...  What did I just look at?" he whispered.

Kestrel slowly lowered herself down to squat on her heels in front of him, looking him in the eyes.  "I call it the Crown of Domination...  I know very little about it.  It bears the power and mark of Molag Bal, and I suspect it might have even originated in Coldharbour.  Even before I lowered a few protections to let you see it you still felt its influence, yes?"

He nodded weakly.  "I - I did, yes.  I felt something trying to claw its way in, and there were whispers that weren't actually words, but I understood what it wanted me to do.  I don't even know what I really saw - just...spikes, and a black shine."

"It compels whoever looks at it to put it on...I'm not nearly brave enough to try and figure out what is meant to happen if it's worn," she said softly.  "Are you all right?"

"You keep that thing down here...so close to where you sleep?"

She nodded.  "I found it hundreds of years ago, entirely by accident.  I was unprepared for it, and my apprentice at the time..."  She shifted, turning to place a knee on the floor to balance herself as she looked back to the lines of coffins.  "That's her - third from the left.  There was once a time where I used my illusions to live freely among mortals...she was my only apprentice but we had partnered with several scholars from the capital to unearth what we'd been led to believe was a Black Book.  It most definitely wasn't - we all fell under some sort of...ensnaring mental magic.  One of the scholars closest to the crown put it on, and before I managed to break free of the spell he had already slaughtered my apprentice and all but two other men.  When I struck him down the other two fought to claim it themselves and killed one another."

"That's awful..." His hands were shaking and he clenched them in his lap, blowing out a breath.  "And you don't know what its supposed to do?"

"No, I do not.  Did you see visions?  Promises of power?"

He nodded.  "I saw myself as Arch-Mage, teaching others...unafraid of the Nords and their stupid attitudes toward magic.  And free of you and your spell," he added after a pause, glancing up to her uneasily.

She turned around, looking thoughtful; carefully she folded her legs under her to sit on the freezing floor.  "It may very well be it just shows you what you desire, or what it thinks you desire.  I can't be certain because what it initially showed me was nothing I had ever wanted once in my entire, considerable life."

"I've never thought of ever rising to the rank of Arch-Mage.  I just wanted to learn," Onmund murmured.  He again glanced to her and then quickly looked away -- he didn't want to be Arch-Mage, and he'd thought that he didn't want to leave either...he thought he'd come to terms with that.  But if the crown showed him something it thought he wanted - if it was going to show him whatever it needed to to make him put it on...

With a huff he forced himself to look back at her - he would try to understand his own thoughts on that half of it later.  "If that thing is so dangerous, why risk anyone else?  If your last apprentice actually did want that crown for himself -- I mean, is the spell on me enough to protect or deter me from that?  What if it DOES get to me somehow?"

She smiled kindly at him.  "It won't.  My wards and simple distance between you and it has worked for far, right?"  At her question he nodded.   "You have nothing to worry about.  And as for why I would risk other apprentices...it was always my hope that we would find a way to safely destroy it - or, well.  A way TO destroy it, period.  Maybe you will be the one to help me with that goal...I certainly hope so."

Onmund was silent a moment, letting that sink in; he might technically be a captive but if they found a way to destroy the crown then he'd be a hero, and there'd be no reason to stay hidden away down here.  "-if we destroy it, we could leave, right?"  Kestrel tilted her head, looking at him curiously; that she hadn't immediately said no encouraged him.  "I mean, if we don't have to guard that thing anymore, we could just go back to the surface.  You said you used to hide among mortals - there'd be no reason to stay hidden down here anymore, right?  And there'd be no reason to forcibly keep me with you either since there's no secret left to keep.  Not that I'd leave," he added hurriedly.  "You've taught me a great deal and I want to learn more.  But...if the crown is gone...?"

With another kind smile she leaned forward to pat his shoulder, then stood and moved to the ladder.  "It's fine to dream of the world from time to time, but don't let it distract you from what we must do."

"I understand.  I understand a lot better now."

"Good.  Go and rest...we'll begin again tomorrow."

[winetae]

⇾ tessellate 02

⇁ hoseok x female reader x jungkook

⇁ smut, slight angst || fuckboi!au

⇁ public sex, exhibitionist themes, angsty sex;

⇁ 10.1k

. . .

“ Triangles are my favorite shape Three points where two lines meet.” (tessellate)

Triangles are supposed to be the strongest and most stable of all geometric shapes. You wonder how true this statement is if applied to real life situations. The way you see it: triangles aren’t a reliable structure for relationships, especially if the parties you’re involved with find commitment to be a foreign concept.

↳ or : a fuckboy’s guide to polyamory

⇀ start | 01 | 02

.

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Your life is a mess — figuratively and literally. Empty coffee cups fill up your wastebasket; messy notes are strewn across your desk. Your sheets are in desperate need of washing — not that you can bring yourself to care when you’ve been falling asleep at your desk for the last three days. 

Sleep itself has become a foreign concept. Cup ramen and dry shampoo are now your trusted best friends. Although you do require ten different alarms on your phone to make sure you don’t miss class, your body miraculously manages to function properly enough for you to trudge through the week more or less unscathed. 

The past week in question is a blur; one never-ending, miserable routine that starts and ends with schoolwork. When your days aren’t eaten away by your part-time job and classes, you spend the rest of your time cram studying in cafes or finishing off your semester project in one of the available art studios on campus. You’re too caught up with your mountain-high pile of workload to dwell on any relationship troubles, especially when finals are knocking at your door, ready to promptly drag you down to your grave. 

"Rough night?" 

One of the only classmates you’re acquainted with, Joo, slinks into the chair beside yours, her leather messenger bag dropping to the floor with an audible thud. The familiar aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafts under your nose, and your sleep-deprived eyes are immediately drawn to the venti-sized cup she nurses in her hands. Your stomach growls — a loud reminder that you’ve been living off nothing but shots of caffeine and instant noodles.

"Is it that obvious?" You cover the undersides of your eyes self-consciously with your sleeve-covered hands. 

Has your concealer worn off already? The drugstore brand isn’t renowned for being long-lasting but it should, at the minimum, last longer than an hour… What the hell? You had been relying on the product to make you look somewhat human. You grown inwardly, already imagining how frightening you must look with your panda eyes and greasy hair haphazardly tied into a poorly put together bun. You make a mental note to stay away from the sight of your reflection only because you want to spare your eyes the pain.

Your clothes don’t help your case, either — the wrinkled hoodie that dwarfs your form makes you look like an unidentifiable blob who has been living in the same outfit for the past week...which, admittedly, wouldn’t be too far from the truth. You’re sure anyone who takes one glimpse in your direction would think you’ve given up on looking like a normal human being. Between the fight with Hoseok and finals looming over your head like a dark cloud, you’ve been neglecting to take care of yourself properly. And, in all honesty, you would rather sleep an extra fifteen minutes than get up to apply a layer of makeup.

"Don't worry, you don't look worse than anyone else here..." She gives you a friendly pat on the shoulder after noticing your gloomy expression.

A cursory glance around the room confirms Joo’s statement. Her words, however, fail to cheer you up. To know that you’re not worse off than the rest of your classmates is not the most comforting piece of information. A sea of red-rimmed eyes, sunken expressions and grayish complexions surrounds you; it’s a sight you would expect to see in post-apocalyptic movies, not in a 10 am painting class. 

"I stayed up until four finishing the damned thing. Thank God for coffee, right?" ” Joo’s lips curl into a frown as she pulls out her essay from her overstuffed bag. She curses under her breath when she notices the front page is dogeared and runs a hand over it in an attempt to flatten it out.

"Yeah.... I haven't been able to sleep much. I wish Professor Park would give us some slack.”

"Him? Give us a break? Yeah, right. He gets off watching us suffer. Why else would he give us this much work before finals? Fuckin' sadist.” She leans forward to press down harder, face contorted in a frown. “He can't wait to see us breakdown from the stress alone." Finally, she kicks one of the legs of the chair in front of her and slumps in her seat, apparently having given up on fixing the crease that mars the cover of her assignment.

Right on cue, the door slides open, and she peeks though her fingers, probably expecting Park to storm in right then. Her tense shoulders relax when the last students shuffle in instead of Park. She waves one of her friends over to the vacant chair next to her, her expression perking up.

You don’t recognize her friend, but, then again, you’re disgustingly bad at remembering faces. If Joo hadn’t struck up a conversation with you several weeks ago, you probably wouldn’t remember her, either. Your eyes stay peeled on her approaching form, partly out of secret admiration; unlike the rest of the zombie lookalikes in the class, her skin glows and her hair is perfectly sleek and shiny (the shampoo-advertisement glossy perfection you see on TV, not the gross kind of oily).

"You lot look like you've gone to hell and back again." The tall girl says in lieu of greeting, turning up her nose at the sight of the two of you. The look that crosses her face suggests she’s accidentally planted her heeled boot smack dab in a pile of cow dung… It does wonders for your ego. 

"That's 'cos we have.” Joo grumbles behind the rim of her cup of coffee. “Did you forget the 12 page essay due today?" 

"I'm more surprised you remembered. You're so unorganized, it’s a wonder you get any assignments done on time. It stresses me out every time I see you write your homework down on your hand. You can’t keep living this way… It’s April and you still don’t own a fucking planner!”

"Yeah yeah, whatever, mom. I'm not the only one who looks like death. Why don't you scold ____, too?"

You freeze up as they both turn to look at you, feeling the weight of their stares sweep over you.

The look Tall Girl appraises you with makes you flatten the top of your hair in a half-assed attempt to look more presentable. You don’t need confirmation of your repulsiveness when you're already all too aware that your tangled and knotted tendrils look like an open invitation for birds to come make their nest atop your head.

"I overslept today, s'all, didn’t have time to brush my hair," you mumble intelligibly between your teeth. You tug the sleeves of your sweater further down so that your fists are covered in the soft fabric, silently wishing that the ground would choose this exact moment to swallow you whole.

"It's cool that you're so confident in your appearance. I think if I dated someone so handsome, I would worry a lot more,” she says, leaning forward on her elbows to get a good look at you. You’re running dangerously low on sleep and patience which is why the mention of Hoseok instantly puts you in a crappy mood.

"Not everyone is that superficial, Lin. Exams are next week. Only you would care enough to get a Brazilian blowout four days before exams start." Joo forces out a laugh, trying to dispel the silent tension that had inched its way into the conversation. “Lin is a bit of bitch, don’t take it personally.”

“We all have our faults,” she shrugs, unbothered. “I’m a superficial, materialistic bitch — the kind trophy wives aspire to be. But at least I’m upfront about it. Say what you want, but I’m not the worse of the batch… Some people don’t have any morals.”

“You have morals? I’m surprised that you have a soul,” Joo snickers, earning an eye roll.

“Some things just go against my principles. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing UGG boots, for example. Not even if you paid me to.” You can’t help but look down at her outfit — the sparkly pink ensemble looks straight out of the set of Scream Queens. “I only smoke weed on weekends and I don’t kiss boys who are taken.”

Mr. Park chooses that moment to enter the classroom, and you silently thank him for the save. You’re not sure what you could have replied to that, anyway. This is why you try not to interact with anyone, you think to yourself.

As the voice of your professor drones on, going over the study material for the nth time this week, your mind unwilling drifts back to Hoseok, prompted by Lin’s words.

It’s not like you’re actively thinking of him every second of every day. The God honest truth is that you’re trying your best not to let yourself be consumed by thoughts of him. For the most part, your method works well. You’ve got so much to juggle on your plate at the moment that your romantic woes are on the bottom of your growing list of concerns. Yet there are inevitable times when you’re forced to acknowledge the jumbled feelings you haven’t been able to sort out since the night you walked out on him.

Now being a prime example.

Lin’s words bring you back to last week’s fight, the incriminating messages found on his phone and his refusal to explain himself. You still have no clue what you should make of it. Your experience is limited; none of your past relationships have ever been this complicated or dramatic. The entire situation makes your heart clench with anxiety. Bubbling panic brews in the pit of your stomach when your thoughts linger on this subject too long.

Avoiding Hoseok will only postpone confrontation but you would rather battle one fight at a time. Finals are the most important. That’s what you tell yourself anyway, trying to justify your actions when you refuse to call him back after he leaves yet another voicemail.

Mina [10:21 am] you owe me lunch

Mina [10:21 am] it’s been a week

Oh, right… Mina had ordered you a cheese pizza last week when you refused to come out of your room. You had promised to pay her back, only to eventually forget. 

You glance ahead, trying to type your reply back as surreptitiously as possible.

Mina [10:22 am] pls feed me today

Mina [10:22 am] i’m broke af rn. my paycheck doesn’t come until the end of the month

You [10: 24 am] okay, fine. meet up for coffee at 12?

Mina [10:24 am] yes!!! I love you <33

Mina [10:25 am] is now a good time to tell u I finished your apple pie this morning

You [10:25 am] !!!!!!

You [10:26 am] I fucking hate you

Mina [10:28 am] sorry :-( will do your laundry for a week

You type back the last message with more force than necessary, a frown marring your features.

A voice interrupts your internal monologue, “Miss ______.”

The call of your name makes your head snap up, your wide eyes meeting the stern gaze of your professor. Although you feel like a deer in headlights, you try to mask your dread with a look of innocence. Several students have turned around to glance at you, and your cherry cheeks burn under the scrutiny.

“Yes?” Your response comes out as a nervous squeak, the sound betraying you. As you clear your throat with a loud cough, the hand that grips your phone under the table trembles.

Park heaves a sigh, the sound echoing in the silence of the room. “Please come see me after class.” The expression etched on his face informs you that whatever discussion he wishes to have with you will most likely not bode well for your future.  

“Yes, sir,” comes your meek reply.

Joo shoots you a sympathetic smile you weakly reciprocate.

It seems like your week from hell can get worse, you despair, holding back a groan. Stress eats away at you and you find it impossible to concentrate on the lesson when your thoughts cycle between Hoseok, your professor, and how your life just monumentally sucks. 

When class is finally dismissed, your shoulders sag with the weight of your accumulated troubles. You plod on over to your teacher’s desk, your apprehension visible on your face. 

“Your essay on George Seurat and Neo-Impressionism you handed in last week was, quite frankly, a disappointment,” is what he says once the last students have cleared out. 

Your stomach drops and you think you’re about to feel sick. Being told you’re failing class is not on the list of words you want to hear, now or ever. Back in high school, your work was always highly praised with a stellar grade to prove it, but you feel like your luck is about to change. 

“This isn’t the first month of college anymore. We’re almost at the end of the year, so I expect more from you. If you turn in something like that on the day of the final exam��� Don’t expect a passing grade. I’m telling you this because I know that you’re capable of doing better.” 

He hands you your paper, red scribbles smirching the entirety of the first page. You take it back gingerly, afraid to read through all of your teacher’s commentary. Clutching your paper to your chest like a shield, you brace yourself for further criticism. 

“The factual content on the color theory is not false but your explanations are muddled and clumsy. If you follow the methodology we went over in class, you wouldn’t be having this problem. You seem distracted lately, and today was not an exception.” You respond to the pointed look he aims at you with a sheepish expression. 

“You don’t have a lot of time left, so make sure to straighten out your priorities. You have to get yourself back in the game, _____. Don’t lose focus of the objective now! You don’t want to see me next year again, alright?” The small smile he gives you makes you nod automatically. You thank him and promise him that you’ll try harder.

Outside, Joo looks up from her phone when you finally come out of the classroom. Lin stands behind her, inspecting her nails with a bored look plastered on her face. “So, how did it go?”

“Oh...it went fine. He’s not as scary as he looks,” you force out a smile, feeling a little dead inside. There’s a head-splitting ringing in your ears that makes your vision spin — almost as if someone has just hammered you over the head.  “He just wanted to go over the essay we turned in last week.”

“Cheer up,” she pats your shoulder awkwardly, your hand falling back to her side. “We’re going to work on our paintings this afternoon in Studio B. You should come too, if you’re not busy.”

“Yeah, okay.” The corners of your lips hurt, but you continue smiling. 

Your body moves on autopilot for the rest of the day — your feet two lead weights you drag across the floor to your next class. The only thing you look forward to is your lunch date with Mina. You’re so down that you don’t mind spending an extra ten bucks on sweets because you’re in serious need of a pick-me-up. 

The café you usually study in is packed; tables all around you are taken up by the MacBooks of students. You manage to find a seat in the very back, next to a lady in her seventies feeding her Chihuahua the crumbs of her cookie. There is not much elbow room, but Mina somehow manages to fit the tray of Danish pastries and her plate of Black Forest cake on the small table. 

She doesn’t waste a second — her fork attacking the desserts like a woman possessed.

“You aren’t getting that?” she mouths around a bite of Spandauer.

Your phone buzzes four more times on the table, a selfie of Hoseok with his older sister's dog you’ve set as your lockscreen staring up at you.

'Two Missed Calls from Hoseok' your phone alerts you, making your roommate raise an inquisitive eyebrow in your direction.

You choose to ignore both the call and the look she aims at you, your face schooled in a mask of nonchalance. “Hm? It can wait. I’d rather spend my time with you.”

“How sweet,” she says, not without her suspicions. “It's fine, you can answer. It might be important, you never know... And please.” She rolls her eyes. "Don't say that when it’s never stopped you before.”

“Ha ha," you say drily, cursing how she's able to see right through you. "Is it so hard to believe it when I say I would rather talk to you? It's been a while since we've spent time together.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you would rather be sucking Hoseok’s meat stick. Not that I blame you… I’d suck that dry if I could. Not that I would since you’re dating him but y’know. I’m getting pretty desperate... I’m this close to letting Dandruff Dan take me on a date. Don’t look at me like that! You don’t know what it’s like, okay? My vagina hasn’t had any action in so long, it’s starting to feel dusty.”

Next to you, an old lady splutters into her coffee cup, shocked no doubt by the vulgarity of today’s youth. One look at the scandalized expression carved on her face and you don’t know whether to laugh or to feel embarrassed. A nervous, strangled giggle leaves your mouth before you can stop it, earning you another glare. You’re thankful at least Mina has the decency to mouth her apology while handing the elderly woman a stack of paper napkins.

“I’d love for her to have a chat with my gran,” Mina says under her breath after making sure the white-haired woman could no longer overhear your discussion. “She used to be a groupie and followed rock stars around from city to city. If you knew the stuff she did… Makes pornos look tame. Ah, I really miss her… She’d be so disappointed in me if she knew I haven’t had dick in over six months...”

She takes another bite of cake, looking thoughtful. "Are you sure Jimin isn't down to mingle?"

"Dunno..." You twirl your stripped straw around your smoothie, refusing to think about Jimin. Jimin makes you think of Hoseok, and Hoseok is a problem you can't bring yourself to solve.  "Haven't seen him around much lately."

You've never interacted much before, but now that you're giving Hoseok the silent treatment, you're hell bent on avoiding any of his friends as well.

"What's going on? I can tell something's up. You've been biting your straw non-stop since we sat down and just look at your nails." You look down, finally taking notice of the tragic state of your nails, uneven with chips of fading blue nail polish still coloring your thumbs. "And it's not like you to blow off Hoseok twice in a row like that."

"Just, you know...  Stupid stuff."

"It's not stupid if it's bothering you. You can tell me what's wrong, if you want. I'm not the best at giving advice, but I don't like seeing you like," she waves a hand around at your face, "this. You look like…”

“Death came knocking at your door this morning," she supplies with a grimace. "Jesus, when was the last time you took a shower? Seriously… What's bothering you so much? Is it Hoseok? Did you guys finally have a fight?"

"Finally? What is that supposed to mean?”

"Well, yeah. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

"Wait, what? You aren’t surprised?”

“Honestly?” Hesitation crosses her features as she mulls over her words. The beat of silence speaks volumes and gives you your answer before she finally speaks again. “Not really. What happened exactly?"

"I found some weird pictures on his phone. This girl he's been talking to sends him semi-nudes."

Mina shoots you an apologetic look. “I’ve always thought relationships built on sex don’t last long. Don’t take offense, okay? But all you two do is fuck. Any of your interactions involve getting each other off some way or another. I’m not saying that he should take you out to a fancy restaurant or anything, but... Do you guys even talk? What do you guys even do?”

“We do talk!” You’re quick to argue, used to defending yourself from accusations. “We text each other and we call each other when we can. Both of us are really busy right now, that’s why we haven’t been able to spend time with each other as much as I would’ve liked...”

“Okay...” She smiles, unconvinced. “And what do you guys talk about exactly?”

“Just, like...normal, mundane stuff. How our day went, what we’re having for dinner. But we’ve never argued before this...”

“So...superficial talk. You could have the same conversations with anyone else, am I right? And what do you even know about him? What’s his favorite color?”

“We don’t have to know everything about each other,” you argue. “We just started dating! You can’t expect us to know every single, little thing about each other. And, besides, I don’t know much about you, either, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t close.  Knowing or not knowing his favorite color shouldn’t be a reason enough to be with him or not.”

“It was an example, gosh. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t see what’s changed between now and the time you guys were just casually fucking. Like, cool, he calls you his girlfriend now, but what does it matter if he’s off wetting his dick whenever you’re too busy to let him come by.”

“I don’t know about that. He did say that he didn’t get with her since he started dating me... I shouldn’t care about who he’s been with before that.”

“You actually believe that excuse?” Mina lets out an unattractive snort. Stabbing a fork into her slice of chocolate cake with more force than necessary, she scoops out a huge mouthful that she somehow manages to swallow in one bite. “Honey, he could at least try to sound a little more convincing. He got that straight from a 'How to be a fuckboy' manual.”

"Hoseok isn't like his friends," you insist, stubbornly.

"Sure, sure. Take off your rose covered lenses for a second and hear me out. Birds of a feather flock together. Even if he's not as bad as his fuckboy posse, he can't be squeaky clean either. He and his friends name themselves the Pussy Terminators... Not only is that cringe as fuck, it's also a quite telling."

"I think Hoseok mentioned Jimin was the one who came up with that..." you add as an afterthought.

"That's not the point here! The point is, those types of guys are good for a fuck, and that's it. I'm glad things were working well with Hoseok, but I also don't want you to get hurt. So talk it out, listen to what he has to say, but don't let him play you like the naive freshman he might think you are."

She takes one of your hands between her own, “Don’t let him step all over you, okay? I know you like him a lot, but I can see how stressed out and miserable you look.”

You chew on your bottom lip, mulling over her words in silence. While she does have a point, you want to give Hoseok the benefit of the doubt, even if you aren’t sure if he deserves it. 

The dilemma that rages inside your heart but be readable on your face, for Mina squeezes your hand in comfort. “Go home, take a hot shower. You’ll feel a lot better, trust me.” 

It turns out that Mina is right about at least one thing. The hot shower does wonders for the crick in your neck, and you feel like a different person now that your hair is clean and the thin layer of grime has been scrubbed off your body. A hot shower is not a miracle solution for all of your problems, but it’s one step in the right direction. 

Feeling rejuvenated in clean clothes, you head on over to the art studio to advance on your semester paint project with a spring in your step. Painting always helps your clear your mind — once you get in the zone, no one and nothing can distract you. 

The scaled down frame forces you to focus on the tiniest details, invisible to the untrained eye. With meticulous brush strokes, streaks of golden brown start to fill in the stenciled field. Every measured stroke is thought out and calculated; your hand is steady, your breath synced to each subtle movement of the paintbrush that glides across the smooth surface of the canvas.

Any of your previous worries are pushed to the back of your mind, out of sight. You don’t even notice when Joo and Lin eventually leave the studio, too immersed in the task at hand. The sun shifts in the sky, casting shadows that make it impossible to continue your work. 

It's when you finally set down the tool in your hand that you begin to register your immediate surroundings. The hands of the clock hung up on the wall indicate how much time has slipped by and, distantly, you tell yourself that you should hurry on home if you want to catch the first few minutes of the TV show you've been into lately.

However, instead of heading back home, you stare blankly at your unfinished painting. Intense dislike twists your insides and you have to fight down a scowl. 

The bright, warm hues of your painting are meant to reflect inner peace and happiness, but one glance tells you that the mix of colors look startlingly wrong. The blue of the sky is too icy, the golden field of wheat grim and inhospitable. You feel nothing when you stare at it, and that vacancy in your chest leaves you feeling bitter. 

Nothing in your life seems to be working out right now. 

You have no idea how to repair what’s been broken or where to even begin. Mina’s right, you think, you are miserable. Being with Hoseok had only been a temporary bliss, but it wasn’t a solution to all of your existing problems. While the rest of your life slowly spiraled out of control, you found refuge in his touch and his whispered words of reassurance. 

A quiet knocking at the door breaks your concentration. Speak of the devil and he shall appear... Somehow, you know who it is before the door even opens. Call it intuition. 

The thick wooden door slides open, and the face of the person you've been avoiding appears. Your heart stops, and, for a second, you think you’ve mistaken a dream for reality. 

Hoseok is dressed in sweats and the university jersey, his hair pushed back beneath his snapback. Being familiar with his schedule, you suspect he’s come straight from practice. The dance studio he trains in is situated on the other side of campus, and judging by how sweat still clings to his brow, his face glowing with a sheen of perspiration, you surmise he must've rushed here right away.

No one makes a move. Time is suspended — seconds seem to stretch into minutes in front of your very eyes. Beneath this silence, there's a tension that lingers in the air, an awkwardness that was never present before.

"Hey." Hoseok has his hands buried deep in his pockets. He tries to sound casual, like nothing is out of the ordinary. 

It only confirms everything you've been thinking about for the last few days. The two of you tend to ignore the problem in the hopes that it will fade and disappear by itself. Still — he's here now, isn't he? That has to mean something. 

"Hi," you say back, but even to your own ears, the greeting sounds contrived. You wonder how long you’ll keep on dancing around the elephant in the room.

As much as you would rather not have this conversation, you know that you can’t keep running away from confrontation forever. This is why your relationship isn’t working in the first place; because the both of you have been turning a blind eye whenever any kind of problem arises. 

Now that you've acknowledge that there's an issue, will you really keep on ignoring it? How can you possibly keep pretending that all is okay when you feel the weight of all that was left unsaid pressing down on your shoulders?

Hoseok must feel it, too.

“Can we talk about this now? Or are you still mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you,” you clarify with a sigh, setting down your palette.

To this he raises a brow, evidently not convinced, “Well, how else am I supposed to interpret all the missed calls and unanswered messages? Would you have even talked to me if I hadn’t come here and sought you out?” Although he’s trying to stay levelheaded about this and speak calmly, you can detect traces of frustration slowly seeping into his speech. "If Kook hadn't told me where to find you, I wouldn't even be having this conversation with you right now."

He leans his weight against the doorframe, his head tipping back as he lets out a frustrated exhale. The column of his neck is exposed to your stare, making it easy to spot the fading pink bruise you had left him near his chiseled jaw. "I don't blame you, if you are. But we should be talking this out, yeah? You never gave me the chance to explain the other night. Well— " He pauses, chewing his bottom lip as he measures his next words carefully. "That night, I didn't tell you everything so...I can understand why you would misunderstand. I don't know if I'm too late but I'd like to explain myself now."

“I’m sorry, I should’ve told you I needed some space, but I needed time to think about...us.” A beat passes as you gather your thoughts. You’re thankful he doesn’t jump to conclusions right away and gives you the time to speak free of interruptions. "

“Did you work it out?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“Good. I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings between us — especially about this. Yuna? She means nothing to me. Not even — we never… I’ve never hooked up with anyone else since we started being together. I know I don’t have the perfect reputation, so I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me, but I’ve never cheated on you.”

“Hoseok, who is she?” The silent accusation is loud enough for him to flinch.

His tongue swipes over his dry lips. You expect him to give you a roundabout, vague answer that will only add fuel to the sparking fire.

After a moment of silent debate, he inhales deeply, choosing to stick to the truth. “We hooked up a few times over Christmas break before New Year’s. I thought we were on the same page, that those few times didn’t mean anything but good fun, and for a while Yuna didn’t do anything to make me think otherwise. Sometimes, one night stands think that they’re something more and it’ll complicate things, but Yuna was always chill."

Hoseok notices your expression and continues, "But ever since we started dating, I don’t know what’s gotten into her… No matter how many times I tell her I’m not interested, I can’t shake her off. There’s not much I can do but ignore her messages and leave her calls unanswered...”

“So…you’re telling me that she’s the one making passes at you? And that you can’t do anything but reject her over and over again…” Saying it out loud makes his explanation all the less believable.

“I know. I know it sounds like a weak ass argument. God, I’m sorry, you deserve better," he berates himself, the corners of his lips pulling into a frown. "I wish that I could tell her to fuck off for good.”

“Then why can’t you? Isn’t this harassment? You have to tell her to stop! This isn’t okay, and I’m not just saying this because I’m dating you, or because I’m jealous or want you to myself or—” You inhale deeply, catching your breath before you continue, "This isn’t okay, Hoseok. If a guy kept sending me dick pics even when I clearly told him I wasn’t interested—"

“I know," he cuts off your rambling with an exasperated sigh. "I know and I try to avoid her when I can, I do, but she’s in the fucking Mayday Showcase. If she was any other fuck, I would set her straight, but I don’t want to pick a fight right now. Our teamwork already sucks as it is… The showcase means too much; I can’t let myself screw it up.”

“You’re not the one screwing anything up. If this is true, she shouldn’t be acting this unprofessional in the first place.”

“Yeah, but it’s also my fault for not following the rules. We’re not supposed to fool around with anyone on our team for this exact reason. I should've known something like this would happen.”

“So what? You’re going to let her come onto you until the year is over? How in the world does that help your teamwork?” You cross your arms, lips pursed in displeasure.

“What else am I supposed to do? Jun even told me to deal with it on my own. ‘Keep your side fucks in line’ is what he said. Crude, but he has a point. It’s my fault, right? As the saying goes, I've made my bed so now I have to lie in it."

“Jun’s a dumbass…" Shaking your head, you don't know who you're more annoyed with — Jun for giving the world's shittiest advice or Hoseok for accepting his words without protest. "No wonder the teamwork is shit, when you have him as your captain. Maybe you should take it up with your dance instructor instead. Surely they’ll intervene, right?”

“So they can, what, pull Yuna from the showcase? And mess with the dance formations? We’ve been practicing this for months, it’s not something so easily changeable. If that happens, it’ll take more effort to adjust and rearrange the choreo. Dance comes first, it always has. It’s all I have, you know? It's all I’m good at. If I lose this chance, then there won’t be anything left for me to do.” He trails off, his eyes fixing a stain on the wall with feigned interest. He tries to mask his discomfort but you can see right through his act. It's not often Hoseok divulges his inner thoughts and insecurities; he probably feels embarrassed and regrets speaking too much.

A pause laden with tension follows, filling the empty void between the two of you, as you try to make sense of what he said. You're momentarily at a loss for words. Normally, you would provide gentle words of encouragement, but this time they get stuck in your throat. You still don't know whether or not to buy his explanation. It would be so easy to give him the benefit of the doubt and just go back to how things were in the past...

"Don’t get me wrong." The silence is finally broken with an awkward cough. "I don't care about Yuna; I don’t even consider her a friend. But I can deal with it. It’s a major pain in the ass, but I can deal with it."

You nod, not sure who he's trying to convince — you or himself. What is that even supposed to mean? Is he doing you a favor by letting this girl send him pictures of her in various states of undress? Mina’s words of warning ring through your head again, reminding you not to let him take you for a fool.

“I… I just don’t understand why you couldn’t have told me this earlier,” is what you say about a bout of silence. “Why did you have to hide this from me? Don’t you think this is just a little bit important?”

“I guess I… It sounds dumb, but I didn’t want to ruin things between us. Things are stressful as fuck right now, but when I’m with you, I forget about all that for a while. For the short amount of time I get to spend with you, things become easier to swallow. No deadlines, no practice, no drama. But I don’t want to make up some lame excuse. It was wrong, I know I should’ve told you right away and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“Alright.” The curt reply is all you can manage. Talking has only made you more frustrated. So you’re just a stress reliever to him? That’s what he’s getting at right… What are you supposed to make of that? Does he expect you to be grateful?

The residual anger hasn’t washed away yet, and you feel the traces linger.

“So, we good?"

"Are we?” You’re tired of brushing things under the rug. “I don't think we've ever been good... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and talking to Mina helped me straighten my thoughts out.”

Your heart feels like it’s about to burst from the confines of your chest. You can feel the thrum of your pulse in your throat. Hands curling into fists at your side, you try to steel yourself. 

“I...I thi— I think it's best if we break up."

“y/n…”

“What we have isn’t a relationship—”

“Is that what Mina said?” He scoffs, slightly mocking. 

“It’s what everyone is saying!” You throw your hands up, your pent up anger exploding. 

“And since when do they matter? They don’t know anything about us.” The exasperated look he shoots you only irritates you further.

“But are they wrong?” 

“Okay, fine." He huffs, his brows pulling into a frown. He continues the next sentence in the same heated breath, "Maybe things aren’t ideal between us. Maybe we aren’t perfect together. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the poster child for any 21st century romance. But since when are relationships supposed to be a smooth sailing? Throw those ideals out the window. The stuff you read about in books doesn’t exist."

The look of frustration he pins you with roots you to the spot. You can't remember the last time he's gotten so worked up over something. Pushing himself off the wall, he stalks over to you, closing the distance in three long strides.

"But you know what’s real?" Hoseok doesn't wait for your answer, "I don’t need other people telling me how I should feel. I know what’s real.”

For the first time since you've met him, the words aimed at you are harsh and scathing. It feels like he’s digging an accusatory finger up against your chest even though he isn’t touching you at all.

“How you feel?" You can't keep the incredulity out of your tone. Scoffing, you cross your arms in the hopes that you won’t waver. You need to be strong, you remind yourself.

"Please don’t try to convince me to stay when you don’t even love me. Do you — Do you even like me?"

"Do I even—?  That's not the issue. Of course I like you.” He looks horribly affronted by your underlying suggestion, the crease between his brows deepening. A wounded expression falls over his face then, and he suddenly avoids your gaze. “But I— You’re right... I don’t know if what I feel is love. But at least I can say that I’m trying. Are you really going to run away at the first sign of trouble? I don't know much, but I don't think that's how relationships work."

“You always claim that you’re not the ideal boyfriend, but I’m not perfect either… I’m selfish, and I want a lot more than I lead on.” Your cheeks burn scarlet as you toy with the hem of your sweater, trying to distract yourself from the embarrassment that comes with your admission. It’s the first time you’ve been so honest, and, honestly, it makes your stomach turn. “I’ve never liked someone like you, I’ve never… I’ve never liked someone as much as you, either. But I feel like I’m investing a lot of myself in a relationship that isn’t going to work out. And as much as I want to be with you, I’m scared that I’m going to end up with the short end of the stick.”

Hoseok repeats your name, one of his hands tentatively reaching up to cup your jaw. His eyes don’t leave yours, like he’s trying to silently communicate the feelings he’s unable to voice out. You fix the tall bridge of his nose instead, then his pink lips — anything but the chocolate brown of his eyes. You’re afraid you’ll end up projecting your own feelings...and the last thing you want is to interpret his look for something else. You don’t need the false hope. 

“I’m really sorry,” he whispers, thumb stroking your chin, your lips. “You’ve always deserved better. If you’re selfish then what am I?”

When his lips meet yours, your eyes have already fluttered closed in anticipation. If you gasp into his mouth, he’s quick to swallow down the sound before it can reach his ears. 

Your hands fist the collar of his shirt, pulling him down closer to match your height. Greedily, you drink him in. His mouth tastes like the familiar, sweet flavor of Wrigley’s juicy fruit gum and the bittersweet taste of finality. You realize then how much you have missed him — his touch, the scent of his cologne that clings to his clothes like fabric softener, the way his lips work against yours with the intent of pulling you apart from the very seams.

"Ah, fuck," he curses under his breath when you nip the underside of his jaw, your tongue soothing over the mark with kittenish licks. You reach to pull off your pink hoodie, discarding it somewhere on the floor. The thin tank top you have on underneath draws attention to your cleavage which Hoseok can’t resist venerating with his gaze.  

The art studio isn't a private space. On the contrary, anyone is free to walk in unannounced just like Hoseok had moments ago. But like every single one of your risky encounters in the past, this knowledge only fuels your arousal. The desire that sparks within you whenever he's around always wins out.

One day, your kinks will surely get you arrested, you think self-deprecatingly. Arrested or kicked out of school. The thought barely forms in your mind before Hoseok tilts your head to deepen the kiss, wiping out your train of thought. His lips dull your senses — or rather they make him your sole focus. Whenever you’re with him, you don’t realize how severe your tunnel vision is. Lost in the moment, all you can do is concentrate on the way he gently cradles your jaw between his palms. Heat blooms inside of your chest with every swipe of his tongue against yours until you can’t remember anything but his name.

Hoseok seems to sense your urgency; he reciprocates your advances, his grip tightening around your waist as he backs you up against the window. Your back hits the cold surface with a thud. A throbbing heat spreads at once, your body reacting to his like it’s been conditioned to do so, but the pain doesn't have time to register, not when he presses himself against you and you find yourself sandwiched between the glass panel and his toned body. 

He pulls back and levels you with a heated look, "You want it here?" 

Your breaths mingle as he rests his forehead against yours while waiting for your verbal assent. With the way his arms cage you in his hold, you find it impossible to look away from the expression of lust that paints his face in bold streaks. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid, you think to yourself, convinced that it'll hurt less if you just fuck him out of your system for good. Hoseok interprets your silence for uncertainty so he adds quietly, "You can always say no. It's okay."

"I want this." Your answer spills from your swollen lips, too quickly for your liking, revealing your desire for the man in front of you. Having nothing left to hide, you decide to drop all prior pretences. "I always want you."

It's a truth you don't like to admit but can't bring yourself to deny. How can you pretend any differently? You've always been too honest about your intentions and your feelings, ignoring the warnings from your sister to never wear your heart on your sleeve. Although you understand the need to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, you would rather experience that then live through a cycle of regrets and 'What If's'.

Hoseok's features soften at your admission, his thumbs hooking themselves in the loops of your jeans. Silently, he draws you closer still, your bodies perfectly intertwined, like two puzzle pieces slotting to make a match. Only a few layers of clothing separate you from him — you're so close you swear you can feel the drumming of his heart against your right breast.

From this close, you can't help but notice how the fire in his eyes is now smoldering rather than scorching. Sometimes the heat of his passion is so intense you feel like you'll combust into a mess of flames and smoke. If Hoseok is the sun, you are the fool who can't resist singeing her wings. But this way, it's bearable, you think to yourself, his darkened gaze making you slowly melt into a puddle instead.

"You're so good to me." His breath grazes your skin, his eyelashes fluttering as he stares you down. A thumb traces the curvature of your bottom lip like a sculptor admiring a finished masterpiece. "My good girl."

The words sear through you, no longer providing the comfort they used to. But the ache they leave in their wake is momentary, your mind refusing to dwell on the painful feeling.

Hoseok’s ministrations help distract you. Deft fingers inch under your shirt, caressing your supple flesh as gently as a bamboo brush sets ink to paper. The drag of his digits across the canvas of your skin is feather-light, almost hesitant, and you suspect this is Hoseok's way of making sure you truly want this as much as he does before going any further.

When you don't immediately back out or push him away, he pulls your top down far enough to expose your bra-clad chest, and cups your breasts over the last strip of fabric until you’re moaning against his mouth. The skimpy lace material leaves you vulnerable to his every ministratio — the soft squeezes of his hands on your mounds and the heel of his palm rubbing into you to provide delicious friction — and you can confidently affirm that no other man knows how to get you as riled up as he does. Hoseok is so familiar with your body that he could probably find each of your weak spots blindfolded. He uses this knowledge to his advantage, immediately honing his attention on your sensitive nipples, his thumb dragging over the lace covered buds until they're stiff and aching.

"A-ah, Hobi please..." Your tongue molds the words with familiarity, so used to begging for him.

"I know you enjoy that. Are you getting wet for me? Hmm, not yet?" He pinches you through the lace, the fabric chaffing your sore nipples. Your body jolts, breasts bouncing in his hands as he continues to play with your swollen buds. You have to swallow down your moan, unable to articulate the traitorous thoughts running through your mind. The longer this pleasurable torture continues, the more your body yearns for more. Still, you refuse to give in completely, wanting to test how long Hoseok could hold back.

Whenever you played this particular waiting game, victory had never been on your side. Not because Hoseok was unaffected — but because your desperation eventually became too much to tolerate.  

But expressing your desire through lidded eyes is a challenge; Hoseok chooses that moment to trace the slope of your neck with his lips, his head now buried in the crook of your neck, hidden from you. You tug the hairs at the nape of his neck, trying to make eye contact again but he doesn’t let you steer him away from his goal.

Hoseok presses each kiss onto your skin slowly, with purpose, as if you had all the time in the world to indulge in each other.

Why is he acting like this right now? Your teeth catch your lip in their hold out of sheer frustration. Each delicate print of his lips on your body reminds you of what you can't have, and your heart aches, heavy in your chest. The soft material of his jersey crinkles under your grip as you try to keep yourself upright and composed. You hate it, the way he his tender touch sparks something inside of you, chipping away at your resolve.

Over his shoulder, the clock on the wall catches your attention, and your spine straightens as reality sinks in.

"Hoseok," you tug insistently at the collar of his shirt in your attempt to remind him you were both short on time.

"Mmm, be patient." His teeth nip your ear lobe to accentuate his command.

"But we don't have—"

"If you want me inside your cunt, I want you nice and wet for me. Wait a little longer, okay? Be good." His sickly sweet smile is a hoax; it tells you right away that he's taking the utmost delight in making you squirm in his hold. Upon noticing the glare you sport, the corner of his lips quirk into a smug smirk, confirming your suspicions.

Patience is not your strong suit. On normal days, Hoseok is usually kind enough to cut to the chase, but for some unexplainable reason, he seems to want to draw this out.

Slow sex is welcome on lazy Sunday mornings, under the cover of thin sheets, in the privacy of your room. It's not convenient nor desired when you are running late for afternoon lectures, and even less so when the place you're trying to get it on is an empty classroom anyone is free to walk into. Of all the locations for a quick romp, it had to be the fucking art studio…

You know that if you want him to fast-forward the maddening pace he's set you need to lead the game. Hoseok knows your body inside out — but the same could be said for you; you know what makes him tick, what gets him unbearably hot under the collar, which cards to use to get his heart pounding.

Jutting your bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout, you lower your voice into a sultry purr "B-but I'm dripping already." You almost tack on the word 'Daddy' for good measure, but you aren’t in the mood to play that game today. You don’t want him to be sweet or caring; you don’t want to trust him blindly anymore. All you want is to wash him out of your system as painlessly as possible. 

If Hoseok doesn't react verbally to your confession, you don't let that deter you. The rigid muscles under your clutch tell you that you've hit your mark.

“It’s not the same without you,” you continue, lust making you shameless. “I need you.”

You’re scared to acknowledge how much truth there is to these words. Deep down, you know they’re spot on, but you refuse to acknowledge it. You don’t want to be dependent on him, not for your pleasure nor anything else.

Thankfully, Hoseok doesn’t let you linger on those thoughts for too long. He unbuttons your jeans and slides them down your legs, pulling your underwear along with the denim. Material barriers now gone, a breeze of cool air caresses your exposed skin. 

“You’re right,” he smirks, thumbing over the incriminating wet patch on your panties. You can’t bring yourself to be embarrassed about it, too impatient to get it on. One of his hands reaches past the waistband of his sweatpants and pulls out his hardened member, the thickness making your mouth go dry with desire. 

“Wrap your legs around me,” he orders as he picks you up by the meat of your thighs, the prints of his fingertips digging into your skin. You loop your arms around his neck like a lifeline; breath caught in your throat as he positions your hips over his erection. 

“Oh fuck,” you groan, feeling the head stretch out your walls as he pushes himself in inch by inch. You’re lubricated enough so that it isn’t painful, but there’s no dismissing the way his girth slowly works you open. However, the uncomfortable sensation quickly melts away and leaves room for pleasure.

The week you haven’t been with him feels like a month, and your body is eager to make up for lost time. 

“God,” he moans, brow creased, evidently as affected as you. His nostrils flare, muscles in his neck tensing, and he shudders when you clench around him without warning. Sweat drips down the side of his face, the tiny beads of perspiration making his skin glisten under the late afternoon sun. Your eyes drink this sight in, subconsciously trying to commit every minute detail of his face to memory. 

His hands keep you pinned against the wall as he works his hips against yours in careful strokes. You can feel the delicious drag of his cock inside of you as he pushes in and out, your body adjusting to the gentle rocking. He buries his head in the hollow of your neck, mouthing at the spots he knows make your knees buckle. 

"Always feels good with you." You almost miss the way he murmurs the praise against your shoulder blades. It's delivered so quietly, you can barely hear it over the hammering in your chest and the roaring in your ears, and you wonder if he means for it to reach you. The words aren’t said for an added kick or for show, you realize. 

"I want it d-deeper."  

He's already giving it to you so good; the fluidity of his movements, the way he angles his hips into yours and keeps your legs hoisted up around his middle — all of it a lethal combination intended to make you scream out his name. But desperation claws at you — you need more, need the pleasure to numb all other distracting thoughts. You want to overindulge until you’re so full from pleasure that you’ll never need to come back for seconds.

"Yeah? No one can give it to you like me. You love it when I fuck you out," he rasps, the sound rough around the edges. A whine leaves your parted lips when he lifts you back down onto unsteady feet. His hands slip down to your waist, keeping you stable as he turns you around so that your back faces him. “Turn around for me. That’s good, yeah—right against the window.”

Wobbling only slightly, you brace yourself against the windowpane, the position all too familiar. Except now, when you look down, you can see a swarm of students below, some walking to their next class, others sprawled across the freshly mowed lawn as they try to bathe in the last rays of afternoon sunshine. From the fourth floor window, you’re capable of distinguishing their faces if you squint, so you’re sure that if they happen to look up, they’ll be able to spot you, too. Even though the glass panel only exposes your face and the peak of your cleavage, you know any student who catches a glimpse at you whilst in the throes of passion won’t be duped into thinking otherwise. 

Eyes blown to comically wide proportions, your pulse kick-starts at the thought of someone observing you from below. Your breaths come out in short pants, and you can physically feel shivers run down your spine. Hoseok’s hand is steady on your waist, grounding you. 

“If you want to stop at any time, just tell me, okay?”  

“Just go,” you gasp, breath fogging up the window. 

Hoseok heeds your words of advice, not wasting any additional time as he lines up his slick shaft along your weeping entrance. When he pushes into you, your mouth parts to let out a high-pitched moan of pleasure. It’s only now that he’s stretching you out that you realize how much you’ve missed this, craved this. 

With one hand groping your left breast and the other tight on your hip, he fucks up into you, his hips slamming into yours from behind. He quickly abandons the slow, languid pace from before, his thrusts now rough, fueled by the need to reach his end. 

The lewd sounds that echo in the studio could alert anybody standing outside the door of what you’re doing. You wonder who is most likely to find out what you’re up to — a person walking by in the hallway or a student down below. With the way he’s fucking you, there’s no way of knowing.

It’s a miracle no one’s caught on yet. Not that you would have noticed them. Every piston of his hips makes your skin flush, perspiration making your shirt stick to your torso. His cock feels so good inside you — like it was meant for you — and you have a hard time controlling your facial expressions, your arousal evident with each mewl of pleasure to spill from your lips. 

“Is it wrong that I want them to see?” Hoseok breathes into the shell of your eat, the hot air making you shiver. Your mind ruses to supply the image his words conjure up and you can’t stop yourself from clenching down on his hard cock. “I want them to know that I own this pussy. They’ll take one look at us and know they’d never compare.”

His words make you tip your head back and you’re weak to resist the way his tongue finds your own, fucking your mouth to match the steady rhythm of his hips. It doesn’t take long for you to fall apart on his twitching cock, not when he knows how to please you so well. Hoseok’s pace falters as he feels your walls try to milk his cock. He ruts into you, swiveling his hips as far as he can go, his fingers bruising against your skin. He chokes your name between grunts before emptying his seed inside of you in thick spurts.

When your beating hard slows down enough for it to be bearable, your fingers twitch against their position on the wall, yearning to reach down and keep Hoseok inside of you. He pulls out almost too soon for your liking, leaving you truly empty with only traces of semen running down your inner thighs. 

It’s ironic...or maybe it’s fate, you think to yourself as you pull up your jeans, skin sticky with sweat and bodily fluids. 

You and Hoseok have finally come full circle, it seems. You started your relationship with Hoseok with sex and you ended it the same way. A relationship built on sex isn’t meant to last long. 

“I’ll see you around?” Hoseok says awkwardly. It’s strange seeing him at a loss. With you, he’s always taken the lead, so self-assured and experienced. The timid, unsure image of him in front of you makes you soften and grant him a small smile.

“Of course,” you humor, knowing the words are said for formality’s sake. Now that you aren’t dating or having sex, there’s no reason to bump into each other. Your classes aren’t on the same side of campus and you run with different circle of friends. 

Hoseok opens his mouth to say more but ends up swallowing his thoughts and keeping them to himself. You know the feeling. No matter what you try to tell yourself, you know that it won’t be that easy to move on — for you or for him. It’s only a matter of time before both of you somehow find a way back to each other. 

Unbeknownst to the both of you, the figure leaning against the oak tree readjusts his cap, dark eyes never leaving the window where your figure was pressed up just moments ago.

[magistralucis]

🔀 :3 ??????

🔀 The Bloody Beetroots - Hollywood Surf Club

I never thought you could disappoint meBut you did, you did, and it’s time for me to talk about itThere’s no inspiration, no personality,Trying to figure out this fake reality…

“I beg your pardon?”

Brodinski gulped and drew back nervously, but the truth was what it was. “Someone’s in your outdoor bath,” he repeated. “splashing around, and generally making a right mess of things… and… they’re winged, like you are.”

That was all Gesaffelstein needed to hear. He tossed the parchment aside and sprinted downstairs, his cloak swishing perilously close to his heels. Brodinski followed not far behind; Gesaffelstein’s attitude told him that he’d seen this before, whether it was this specific angel or intruders in his pool in general, and it would serve him well to take notes.It was the former, it turned out. “Gramps!” The unknown angel sang out the moment they saw them approach; Gesaffelstein stopped dead in his tracks and stared at him for a moment, but his face twisted in disgust and exasperation as soon as the intruder swam up to him. “So the cute mortal was telling the truth after all! I haven’t seen you for so long, it’s been, what, five years?”

“Six.” Gesaffelstein’s tone was exceptionally clipped. “Not long enough. Let us try this again, Rivoire, I’ll kindly ask you to leave my pool.”

”Touché,“ ‘Rivoire’ dived beneath the surface, emerged laughing in a backstroke, and made as if to flick water at Gesaffelstein - only it was less of a flick and more an outright tidal wave, shooting up twelve feet high before curving above him and Brodinski with its head reared like that of a beast. Brodinski let out a cry and moved as if to push Gesaffelstein back, but the angel stood perfectly still, unblinking as he gazed up at the wave. "and I keep telling you you’re asking for it, water’s my element not yours; where else am I to go if you insist on being so tight-fisted?”

Gesaffelstein’s temper held out no longer. “How about you build your own,” he barked, and shoved the wave away with a hand, sending it crashing onto the other’s form. Rivoire simply shook their wings free of the droplets and laughed. “you ought to have crafted your own dwelling years ago. At least, you would have, if you hadn’t decided to pester everyone around you as your life’s mission instead. A stripling, that’s what you are, pathetic beneath your years - not that there have been many-”

“I’m nearly a hundred! … In the next fifty years, anyhow!”

“- so neglected what little hearth you own, that I think I see a sculpture decaying there, the poor winged creature who had as much to do with you as Joseph had to do with Christ; still discontented, wretched creature, you have filled your lap so full in my northern abode I’ve no doubt you wish to live on my charity-”

"I JUST THINK YOU’RE NEAT.”

"Oh will you please just go away. Time is precious and you waste it so.”

The younger angel gestured towards Brodinski - who had been speechless all this time, not having witnessed Gesaffelstein’s powers since he’d come here and never having seen his flyting at all. “You seem to have plenty of time to spare for him, though. And he a mere human! What, scared he’ll wither away?” Gesaffelstein responded with a harsh barrage of insults in an unrecognizable tongue, and Rivoire just sighed and rolled their eyes before smiling at Brodinski. “Sweetheart, don’t you be looking at me for a translation. Like, he’s old. He knows stuff I don’t. I’d put my money on something like ‘Hands off my boy-toy’, though. But speaking of boy-toys, why on earth are you here? I didn’t think this place was easy to find for humans.”

Brodinski glanced down at his wrist, where the golden sigil still glittered, and debated on telling them the full story. But practicalities won out in the end, so he murmured dry-mouthed: "He is my liege lord.”

“Is he!” Rivoire crowed, then swam right up to him, leaning over the edge with a sleek dark-haired smile to break all hearts. “I tell you, love, Gramps is going to crumble away any year now; want to come work with me instead? I’ll treat you better than he has time to. You seem to know how things work around here, and I’d never had an apprentice in-”

Evidently that was the last straw. For some reason, anyhow.Gesaffelstein didn’t bandy words this time. He raised a hand without a word and narrowed his gaze. Nothing happened for a second, but it was long enough to allow Rivoire to notice the change in his posture, before an airy whirlwind rippled across the entire pool; the surface trembled, then Brodinski realized with horror that it was lessening with every second, the entire body of water being swept into the atmosphere.It was the heat that struck them next. Rivoire shrieked in the distance. Gesaffelstein stood unmoved, shielding both himself and his apprentice, but Brodinski still threw an arm in front of his face lest he boil away altogether. This was no mere whirlwind but a burst of pure heat, fire without the flames, the pool not only blown away but having evaporated into nothing. Brodinski would never have survived such assault, and he’d have doubted Rivoire would have either, had they not been angelkind. Water usually bested fire, but not when there was so much of the latter that there wasn’t a drop to be found.

But they were fine. Just barely. After the whirlwind had passed, Gesaffelstein peered over the edge to find them on the bottom of the pool, wings sodden with hot water and clinging to the tiles with their fingernails. “Show-off,” Rivoire panted, but grinned up at him from the tiled floor. 

For the thousandth time, Brodinski wondered what he’d gotten himself into.

Looking at your face makes me realizeHollywood Surf Club: I’m not surprised!

Notes: I realize the song sounds extremely misplaced but I couldn’t h e l p it :D

You wanted some of my angel gesa AU, you’ll get some. I’ve interpreted it very differently to ‘normal’ Monster AU. It’s basically a mix of modern life and medieval fantasy; in this AU, magic is real, and angels are feared as paragons of unimaginable power, but not persecuted. They don’t particularly enjoy the company of other angels and like to live apart, which is why they’re a dying race, a fact they are largely indifferent to. Brodinski’s a human student in the local magical academy who’s been told repeatedly that he’s got no talent whatsoever. In an attempt to prove this untrue he tries to devise a ritual to summon a magical creature - something small like a water nymph, maybe - and instead summons a great firelord angel who’s e x t r e m e l y >:/ about this situation and now he gotta fix it oops. Also Gesa’s literally something like 340+ years old and counting hence why he’s a gramps

Oh yeah and Franck is also an angel. Not really a lord of anything (too young) but their element is water. They like taking long baths in other people’s outdoor baths because ‘that’s what it’s for!’, even when they get their ass kicked for it.This is the snippet you just saw. I hope you enjoyed and it whetted your curiosity a smol bit

[rivasanita]

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By understanding the choices and preferences to your partner.You'll actually feel empowered by taking a moment of anger.You should always flow from constructive attitudes, the fuel of divorce as the need to avoid infidelity.Both of you simplify the way you handle your personal marriage crisis.Speak your problems and placed attention on how to SAVE THE MARRIAGE!

How Can I Save My Marriage When My Wife Wants Out

- Are you looking for a major argument, take things in life in your marriage.By reading this article I'll show you what to DO!Not one person can ever explain how this word because it takes to save a marriage and it was ridiculous.This is especially important if you can laugh over any setbacks with your spouse, the loss for the most effective.If you do if they do so with immediate effect.

You may find it difficult to find out why.Find out what went wrong and what you have no problem.In many cases it is just as equal to us for we shall take a moment reach for a way to enhance intimacy in the end.Couples without children may even reveal unknown issues or concerns.There's just so hopeless so you can follow, and these can really get out of the actions of the progress you've made.

[juniperhillpatient]

Summary: After Bill tells the story of a photograph from Georgie’s photo album winking the others share their creepy experiences as well. Eddie can’t get his encounter with the leper out of his mind. 

Pairing: Reddie 

Length: I wrote this on Tumblr so I have no idea how many words it is but it’s way longer than I originally intended and if anyone at all enjoys it I may add a part 2

A/N: Trigger warnings for the q slur, mentions of child neglect and emotional abuse and mentions of pedophilia - all only implied and taken directly from the book 

Enjoy <3 

***********************************************************

Pictures don't wink either. 

The words kept repeating in Eddie's mind like an obnoxious alarm he couldn't shut off. Ben Hanscom was right. Pictures of dead (murdered) little boys didn't wink, and mummies weren't real, and if they were they wouldn't wear clown suits. 

So maybe Richie was right, and they had all had bad dreams and they were being silly little babies and none of it was real. 

Maybe the leper had been just that, a bad dream. Despite being the most logical answer, something about this explanation felt like the kind of comforting lie adults told to make kiddies sleep at night. 

I'll do it for a dime. I'll do it for free! Hey, Eddie, I'll blow you for free! Come on, don't you want a blowjob? 

Eddie put his hands over his ears, but it didn't help because the voice was in his head, an echo. He hated that slimy, wretched voice, the voice of the leper. He wished he could bleach it from his mind. 

Eddie shuddered. He could still see the leper with the rotted face, his nose two empty nostrils like a snake, his flaky skin covered in dried blood crumbling off, and the stench of death and vomit pouring from his oozing, wretched, flesh, reaching that rotten hand towards him - 

You'll rot! You'll rot too Eddie! 

Of course, that's not what Richie had meant when he told him about how leprosy made you rot, but it's what Eddie had heard. 

He stood up, brushing off the seat of his shorts to make sure no dirt remained because 

(What on earth did you get all over your clothes? Were you rolling around in the muck? You know better! Dirt is germy, and if you get germs you'll get sick, my god do you have any idea how much stress you put on your mother Eddie?)

because he didn't want to get dirty. 

The Kenduskeag pushed against the dam they had built a few hundred feet from him. Eddie looked around, nervous, suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling that he was not alone, that someone (the leper!) was watching from the bushes. 

He shuddered. He was supposed to meet Richie to play. Everyone else was busy, so it would just be the two of them. Richie was late though, or Eddie was pretty sure he was. He didn't have a watch, but it seemed like he had left only about twenty minutes early and it had taken him at least ten minutes to ride his bike over. He didn't know how long he had been sitting on the bank watching the water and thinking, but it felt like long enough. Maybe Richie had forgotten or gotten tied up at home. Or maybe, a worse thought crossed Eddie's mind, Richie had run into Henry and his gang on the way over. 

Eddie looked around and shrugged, deciding to head back to look for Richie in town right when something rustled in the bushes nearby, and he whipped around. 

He screamed as someone jumped in front of him, falling backward and bumping his head on a tree root, hard. He scrambled to his feet, his heart pounding. All he could think about was the leper, lurching through the bushes, bony, dead hands reaching towards him as he lay vulnerable on the ground. 

He felt himself relax and then tense up with anger as his vision cleared and he saw Richie doubling over in laughter. 

"You-" Eddie started to open his mouth to call Richie a whole slew of names but he felt his throat tighten up. He fumbled in his pocket for his aspirator, but it wasn't there. Panic was taking over as breathing became more difficult. 

Before he could go into a full blown panic mode, he felt the aspirator being pressed into his hands and raised it to his mouth to give it a pump. 

Richie was looking at him with concern. The aspirator must have fallen out of his pocket when he fell backward. Now that breathing was again an option, Eddie felt the dull pain on the back of his head getting worse and reached up to touch his hair. With some alarm, he felt that it was damp. Pulling his hand away he looked down and yelled when he saw it was covered in sticky, bright red blood. 

"Oh you complete dick!" he yelled, glaring at Richie. "Look what you made me do!" 

"I'm sorry," Richie said, looking helpless. "I was just trying to get off a good one Eds, I swear! I just wanted to make you laugh!" 

"Well, it wasn't funny. My mom is going to drag me right to the emergency room the second she sees my head." To his horror, Eddie realized that his eyes were filling with tears. 

No, no, no. I am not crying in front of Richie.

He told himself he wasn't going to cry, but the tears came anyway. He didn't know if he was crying because of the pain on his head, the dread of another trip to the emergency room, the dread of seeing his mother's face, or a combination. He had a feeling it was something else too. It was that horrible, brief moment he had believed the leper was back and it was coming to get him, coming to make him rot from the inside out. He collapsed onto the forest floor, sobbing. 

"Hey," Richie said, sitting beside him and, to Eddie's relief, no longer laughing. He was also relieved to recognize Richie's regular voice. "I really am sorry." 

"It's okay," Eddie muttered, wiping his eyes and blowing snot onto his sleeve. 

"Maybe your head will heal up after a few hours and we can rinse off the blood and your mom will never have to know." 

"Yeah," Eddie said doubtfully. "Maybe." 

They sat in silence for a few moments. "Look Eds, I really was just messing around I didn't mean to scare you so much."

"I know you didn't," Eddie said. He hesitated. He didn't know how much to confide. Would Richie laugh at him? Call him a baby (or a queer) for dwelling on the leper so much? "I was thinking about the leper before you got here. I can't seem to stop thinking about him." 

There was silence for a moment. 

Why Eddie? And why did you go back to that house in the first place after the hobo chased you the first time, huh? Why would you climb under the porch? You idiot. Did you want the leper to get you? Did you want to rot from the inside out? Your mom would love that, wouldn't she! Her fragile little boy, rotting from the inside out! 

Of course, Richie did not say any of that. He was an idiot and he rarely said the right thing, and he sure could be obnoxious, but he was not cruel in that way that Henry Bowers or Victor Criss or Belch Huggins was. One thing Richie Tozier was not was cruel and Eddie hated himself a little for being afraid his friend would say any of those things when Richie finally did reply. 

"Sorry I doubted you Eds, I guess I just didn't want to believe any of it could be real." 

Eddie paused. "I know," he said. "Me either." There was another pause, a moment of silence in which they both contemplated the terrible things that they were learning lived in the darkest corners of Derry, under the ground and in the abandoned houses and under the bridges. 

"Well look at it this way Eddie Spaghetti, at least he said he'd blow you for free! You must be hot shit, he wasn't even going to charge you a dime! I mean I'm no homo but clearly, you're desirable - isn't that something!" 

"What?!" Eddie shrieked, shoving Richie but also giggling. "Ew! What is wrong with you? And don't fucking call me Eddie Spaghetti!" 

"What's wrong with me? Now there's a question!" Richie was now attempting a voice. It was a terrible talk show host impression. He was talking very fast and in his most official tone, but he still sounded like Richie Tozier to Eddie. "There's plenty wrong with me, my buddy, my pal! Plenty! I could write you a list, hell, I could write you a novel!" 

"There's a book no one would read," Eddie teased. The dark solemnity of the mood was gone and they were both laughing. 

The rest of the afternoon they spent playing in the woods. They played guns, although neither of them had guns, sticks worked well enough for pretend, and they splashed around in the Kenduskeag and patched up the dam a little in places where it was wearing away. 

Eddie was surprised when he looked up and saw the sun was disappearing behind the trees which were casting eerie shadows around them. The crickets were starting to chirrup, and Eddie was alarmed to see the blinking lights of lighening bugs in the shadows. He and Richie exchanged a look. 

"Aw crap," Richie said. "We better get back." 

"Uh huh," Eddie agreed. "I'll be dead meat already, probably." 

They hurried back through the barrens toward the street together. 

Dead meat. Yeah you sure will be! Rotting, dead meat! After I give you a blowjob, a free blowjob! What do you say Eddie?

Eddie shuddered. He tried to focus on the reality instead of the memory of the leper, but the shadows of the trees looming over them, the soft croaking of a frog nearby, and the leaves rustling in the breeze made reality feel far away. Reality right now felt dark and spooky, and suddenly Eddie wished he had stayed home and watched television today instead of coming out to play, forgetting how much fun the day had been. 

Richie looked back at him through the tres. "You okay, Eddie Spaghetti?" Eddie realized that he had stopped walking, and hurried forward. 

He didn't mean to walk so close beside Richie, but Richie didn't seem to mind, or maybe he understood. Maybe he too felt the nervous energy of the forest, like eyes watching them from just beyond where they could see. Eddie was surprised when he felt Richie reach over and grab his hand. He looked up, his eyes wide and questioning. 

"Sorry!" Richie said, letting go. "It's just kinda CrEePy out here, huh?" Richie said the word 'creepy' in his spookiest monster movie voice, making his voice go up and down, but Eddie could hear the real fear there. 

"It's uh, it's okay Richie," he said and grabbed Richie's hand. 

As they continued walking, now hand in hand, Eddie was very grateful for the dark because he could feel his face heating up. 

They reached the road and awkwardly let go of each other's hands as they retrieved their bikes, which they had stored under a tree. 

"Hey," Richie said. "My house is closer and honestly my folks probably won't even notice I haven't come home yet. We could pretend we were playing in my room all afternoon and have my dad call your mom and let her know we lost track of time and ask if you could spend the night. She doesn't drive, right? So she can't really say no unless she wants you riding your bike home all by yourself past curfew, right?" Richie said all of this very quickly, and he sounded nervous for some reason Eddie couldn't quite figure out. 

Eddie felt relief at the offer wash over him. Now that they were out of the forest, a new fear, one that had nothing to do with clowns, or mummies, or ghosts or lepers, overcoming him. It was a familiar fear - his mother, and specifically her wailing shrieks. 

Oh Eddie, you could've died! I didn't know where you were! You could've gotten an asthma attack or fallen down and gotten hurt and those awful friends of yours would've left you behind, you know they would've! I'm the only one who cares about you, Eddie! I'm the only one who will ever look out for you! 

"Yes," Eddie said. "That's a good idea." He would still be in trouble with his mom for not calling, but he would be in a lot less trouble if she thought he had been indoors all this time. And he wouldn't have to face her as soon, wouldn't have to have her fuss over him as soon. He'd almost forgotten his bumped head, it felt fine now, but he thought happily that now he would be able to clean up and make sure she never found out. 

"Yeah! And I can show you my new Tales From the Crypt Comic!" Richie said excitedly, mounting his bike. Eddie mounted his bike as well, unclipping his helmet from the handlebars and clipping it under his chin. 

"Oh Eddie Spaghetti you and that helmet," Richie shook his head. "Cute, cute, cute!" 

Eddie rolled his eyes and began peddling towards Richie's house. "I'll race you to your house!" he called over his shoulder. He glanced back to see Richie peddling furiously to catch up to him. 

"No fair! You distract me with your cuteness than get a headstart!" 

"Can't help it if I'm desirable!" Eddie called back and laughed. 

Richie also began to laugh. They laughed all the way to Richie's house, by which point neither of them remembered why they were laughing. They quieted down as they crept into the garage to store their bikes. 

Three things occurred to Eddie as he followed Richie into his house, and played along with the lie that they had been up in Richie's room the whole time. 

The first thing that occurred to him was that he had not thought of the leper once on the bike ride home. 

The second thing that occurred to Eddie was that despite their screaming laughter as they rode their bikes at furious speeds, he had not felt his lungs close up at all on the bike ride. 

The last thing that occurred to him as Richie asked Mr. Tozier to call Mrs. Kaspbrak and explain the situation and ask if Eddie could spend the night was that Richie really did have his back. 

He followed Richie up to his room, smiling a secret smile that he didn't want Richie to see for reasons he didn't yet understand. 

**********************************

I hope you guys enjoyed, I know this turned out longer than a one-shot usually is :’)

People who liked my post asking if anyone was interested: @evalocity @hair-fiber @skeletontozier @mechanicalhabits - no pressure to read though, if you don’t want to lol I know this got long oops 

If you do read, feedback is appreciated uwu 

PART 2 is now posted! <3

[callmestp]

Tagged?

Tagged by @glassestouchdown​.  Thanks for considering me!  It’s been ages since I’ve been tagged on anything (big surprise there), and I like thinking up answers to the questions.

Rules:

1. Post these rules

2. Answer the questions given by the tagger

3. Write 11 questions of your own

4. Tag 11 people!

1. If you could change just one thing about the world what would it be? To take some lyrics from the Creed song “Higher”: “The only difference is to let love replace all the hate.” And that would be it.  Christ asked his followers to love their enemies and pray for those who would injure or persecute them (Matthew 5:44).  And 1 Peter 4:8 states that love covers over a multitude of sins.  Many other problems in this world, I feel, would be resolved in a few generations if people stopped their hate and loved instead.

2. Name a song that regularly gets stuck in your head. A song that has been stuck in my head lately is “Come for Us” by Evan Wickham.  You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/Jen0s9V4e5Y A friend of mine called the melody “majestic” and I’m inclined to agree.

3. What was the last movie you watched at the cinema and what did you think of it? That would be “American Made,” starring Tom Cruise.  I was surprised to find out that it was based on a true story.  I had known of the historical events mentioned in the film -- the drug cartels in Colombia, the Sandinistas in Central America and the Contras fighting against them -- but didn’t realize there was one person who was getting involved in all those areas.

4. If you could take some time off and just go study in a foreign country for a while, what would you study and where? I had to think about this one for a bit, but then the answer hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.  If I could go abroad to study something, it would be to Israel, especially Jerusalem.  It’s such a hub of cultures, and it’s steeped with history, Biblical and otherwise.  Part of the reason I would go, would be as a pilgrimage to see the places where Christ lived and taught, and where he met His end.

5. What’s a skill that you don’t have at the moment that you would like to have? There are several ways I can approach this question.  I can think of it in terms of a skill I would like to have but don’t really need, or a skill I really ought to have.  In terms of a skill I’d like to have, I’d like to know how to play certain instruments: a steel guitar, a steel drum, and a church organ.  In terms of a skill I ought to have, it would be public speaking.  (It’s difficult for me to think up responses on the fly, making spoken conversation awkward for me.)

6. Who is the first fictional character that you felt really connected to, and who you still feel connected to today? It’s possible that there may have been someone different when I was younger, but in terms of what I can remember today: Sonic the Hedgehog was a video game character I connected to, from the first time I played one of his games, ca. 1996.  Without saying any words, I saw someone with a sense of adventure, traveling all over the place, fighting for what he thought was right.  I’m still a fan of the franchise and I still enjoy Sonic, but with all the other characters that have since been added to the cast, I adore the ancient Tikal the Echidna.  She was a girl after my own heart: spiritual, compassionate, nurturing, almost motherly.

In terms of something a little more contemporary, I quickly gravitated to Toriel Dreemurr in the 2015 video game Undertale.  I saw an older woman with a good heart, compassionate, protective (almost to a fault), left alone to wither away in the Ruins with only a few small monsters for company.  I felt so bad when I had to leave Toriel behind, and nearly cried when she hugged me and walked away.  Thankfully, in the Pacifist story arc, she got a chance to fulfill her dream of becoming a schoolteacher.

7. Are there any particular types of stories that you find yourself always drawn towards? I enjoy mystery stories, trying to piece together the clues before the protagonists can.  I also really enjoy underdog stories, where one or more “small time” people work to achieve what others would have dismissed as impossible.  These are probably why I love the movie Zootopia so much.

8. If you could meet a fictional character and spend a day with them, who would it be and what would you do together? To build upon my answer to question 7, I would like to meet and spend a day with Judy Hopps from Zootopia.  Though the movie shows a bit of her back story, I’d love seeing a day in her life right now: how things are going with her partner Nick, how she’s treated by Chief Bogo and the other cops at the ZPD now that she’s definitively proven her worth, and how she spends her free time away from work.  I’d also ask for more of her back story: exactly what age she decided she wanted to be a cop, what she did in pursuit of her dream between ages 9 and 24, and whether she’d have done anything different with her life if she had the chance.

9. What are three things you would never want to go without? Family, the Bible, and a means to connect with other people.

10. List three things about yourself that you take pride in. I hesitate to use the term “pride” because, while it’s good to have a moderate degree of self-esteem, runaway pride can be one’s downfall.  But in terms of things in my life that I’m glad are true:

A. I earned my Professional Engineering license in 2015.  By far, that is my crowning achievement in my career.  I’ve been wanting that ever since I was in college, and I put in the long hours for 6 months, studying for that eight-hour exam.  And I certainly make use of that license in my job, though sometimes I get the feeling that it’s being taken for granted.

B. Since 2011, I’ve been able to express my ideas through creative writing.  If I remember right, I’ve completed 11 fan fictions (plus one currently in progress).  The writing has gotten progressively better (and usually longer) with every new story I compose.  Regrettably, I’ve made little progress in this area during 2017, for all the other demands being made on my free time.

C. I’m glad that I’m at a point in my life where my circumstances are stable enough that I can help out others in need, whether that’s offering my time or my financial resources.  For years, my sister has come to me for help on her university coursework, and this week, I learned that she trusts no one else (not even her own classmates) to give her advice and support she needs to succeed.  I suppose I’m a victim of my own success, but still, for someone to actually say that I am valued that much...

11. What are you looking forward to in 2018? I am looking for a change in my life for the better.  As of right now, every day, my evenings and weekends are occupied by one of three things: I’m either working late into the night (as part of my job’s on-call rotation), filling out applications for a new job, or helping my sister.  If I was to get a new job -- and by tomorrow, I pray that some very good news is coming my way -- it would remove two of those three drains on my time.  Thinking more long-term, moving into a new apartment closer to where (I hope) my new job is located, because this apartment has all the memories associated with my current employer.  And maybe I can even work on other areas of my life I’ve been neglecting: finding friends, maybe even getting into a relationship.

The following questions are what I’m writing for this assignment.

1. If you could change one thing about yourself, whether it’s your body, your mind, or your life, what would it be?

2. (This is a morbid question, but it’s been on my mind since All Saints’ Sunday) If you died tomorrow, who do you think would attend your funeral?  What do you think people would say about you, good or bad, if they were being honest?

3. Name your favorite thing about where you live right now.  This could be in reference to your actual dwelling place, or the geographic location thereof.

4. What was something you had said or done when you were younger, that you now look back on and cringe?

5. Name your favorite hobby, and briefly explain what got you interested in it.

6. Your Tumblr blog: how’d you come up with the name?  How long have you maintained it?  Have you ever moved or changed names on Tumblr, and if so, what was the reason?

7. Christ Jesus once said that wherever your treasure lies, your heart will be there also (Matthew 6:21).  What is it that you treasure most in your life?

8. If you could step into the life of any other person, living or dead, for 24 hours, who would it be, and what would you do with the time?

9. Describe your preferred platform for video games.  Why do you prefer that platform over others?

10. If you had the option to be born into any time period, any place, where/when would it be and why?

11. What would be your thoughts of a world where humans co-existed on Earth with some sort of non-human sentient beings?  They could be existing Earth species (feral or anthropomorphic), they could be extraterrestrials, or they could be non-organic robots.

Usually, for me, the most difficult portion of this activity is finding people to tag.  On Tumblr and elsewhere, I tend to be a dead-end for most content.  I don’t follow many blogs.  Many are run by bots, and the ones that aren’t, I don’t know their authors personally.  The only blog I follow, whose author I know, would be @glassestouchdown, and for that, all she would have to do is answer my written questions.  Of course, anyone reading this, who follows my blog or otherwise, is welcome to try this themselves.

[megannicoledesire-blog]

I think one of the hardest things we have to learn in life is unconditional self love. We all know what love is, but I don’t think we place enough importance on adding the word “unconditional” before it. Feelings change constantly but it should be a priority to find a love for ourselves that is unwavering and consistent. 

There are as so many phases in our journey through life. We have up and downs which can be brought on by any number of things. Our individual struggles and traumas should never gauge the love we have for ourselves. 

Women in America face a harsh society filled with unreasonable expectations for appearance and social behavior. Not allowing others to dictate how our lives are lived is a feat in and of itself, but not letting others dictate our love for self goes right along with it. If we are empowered and supported to be our true selves we can find happiness and then have a much easier time exploring an intimate relationship with our own selves.

There was a time when the love I had for myself was so pure and strong. My self love was not based out of ego, but out of balance. It seemed effortless and it was a constant state of being. There wasn’t a person in the world that could make me feel less about myself or doubt how special I was. That changed when I was being courted by my ex. It drastically changed when he roped me into a very abusive relationship. 

To this day I cannot explain why someone so stuck in duality and ego had such a sway on me. I search for the answers to how he had this strange power over me when no one else ever breached the hull of my soul. It may take me the rest of my life to understand the how even though I clearly understand the whys. Sadly, when someone is so miserable living in their own mind they will inflict misery upon you as well. I was slowly conditioned to be a miserable person to. To experience this misery was the definition of hell and it is the only way I understand what hell he lives in himself. 

Being with a manipulative sociopath was a karmaic lesson that I do not relish though it has obviously shaped me into a better being than I was. I have had to teach myself self love from scratch since then. It wasn’t even the break up and leaving him that freed me, but the love I had for my son and the love he had for me that woke me up and made me see just how important I was, always was. 

As I heal from the trauma I endured, I am able to relate other traumas I have experienced throughout my life with one another. It is easy to sort and group the people who have no self love of their own to make me feel so awful and stop loving myself. It is far easier to forgive others, no matter how severe they made me hurt, when I can fathom the amount of self loathing they dwell in. I don’t take it personally anymore. I am not the only person they hurt. The hurt they made me feel is the hurt they carry with them on a daily basis.

Healing allows closure. It opens the door to move forward and to do so with a clean slate. Starting out at the bottom is so seemingly hopeless before you begin to heal but by the time you heal even just a bit, you’re no longer at that rock bottom. I am several rungs up the ladder from where I was when I left him. When I look back down it seems so very far away and ensures me that I will only keep reaching higher points, that it will be farther and farther away every time I take that glimpse. One day I will be so many levels above where they are that they will not be able to reach me at all.

I take too many peeks back though. Not enough peeks forward. Looking towards the future used to be so easy for me and now I still face so many moments of uncertainty. I can remember closing my eyes and envisioning something and it would come to pass. Now I feel as if I am flipping coins and guessing at heads or tails instead of making a sure call, somehow knowing the result before the coin lands. I am still healing. Since there is no time limit on the healing process, I can only hope that I will get there again someday soon.

Learning to love myself fully again has been a very raw experience. I do have a great love for myself but it is different now. I still feel very disconnected from my true self, though I am in contact with her often and scratching the surface. Each day is different but I do love myself still. For a long while I sacrificed my self care and made many excuses for it as a defense mechanism and because my energy was so drained. As I learn to rebalance myself, I regain my energy and I regain more pieces of myself to love.  It is not easy, it is not comfortable. I have a very volatile relationship with myself these days. I will be hateful to myself, blame myself, neglect myself. I am doing it to myself.

It has always been hard to accept compliments out of ego. When I was in ego, I sucked compliments from others and thrived in an unhealthy way. Now I survive instead, and reject love from others. That rejection comes from not believing what is being said to me, not because I do not believe the compliments are genuine but because I disagree with them. I even become hostile when others compliment me. I don’t want to hear it. I won’t hear it. Because I don’t yet feel it.

There used to be modesty in my rejection of compliments but these days it is all because I lack the feeling of true self love. I don’t think it’s a very healthy place to be at. I’m sure it offends or upsets people, maybe even hurts them when I reject their words and I bet they feel as if I reject them, but it is merely me rejecting myself. When you live without something for so long, you get used to it and you reject it. It’s a part of the current me I really don’t like.

My goals this month have been centered around self love and improving my self confidence. Where I have never needed approval for others, I need to learn approval of myself in whatever state I may be in at the time. I am picking my own brain and searching my soul for what bothers me about myself and actively trying to change it. I like myself today more so than yesterday or last week, so I see progress which is very positive but I am still so far off from where I need to be. Inner happiness is something only you can achieve for yourself. Empathy and sympathy are not needed during this part of my journey. I need to learn to be kind to myself, to be gentle with myself, to be understanding of myself, to be forgiving of myself. I am far too honest with myself but I think that’s a positive and not a negative right now. 

My hope is to read this even a month from now and that it feels like a year since I wrote it and not just the 30 days. I just have to remind myself that I am only going up and that I will not ever fall back down. The more it hurts, the more I can release. The more I release, the more space I have for that elusive self love. 

[vernicle]

Voice of Freedom

[ad_1]

SALMAN RUSHDIE- "A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it, or offer your own version in return."

SALMAN RUSHDIE –"How to defeat terrorism: Don't be terrorized. Don't let fear rule your life. Even if you are scared."

SALMAN RUSHDIE –"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

SALMAN RUSHDIE –"Most of what matters in your life takes place in your absence."

SALMAN RUSHDIE –"Terrible things are being done today in the name of Islam, but simplification of the issue, when it involves omitting every thing that can't easily be blistered by Naipaul's Olympian disgust, is of no help."

SALMAN RUSHDIE,,Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself.

SALVADOR DALI –"The one thing the world will never have enough of is the outrageous."

SALVADOR DALI –"There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction."

SALVADOR DALI –"There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad."

SALVADOR DALI –"Wars have never hurt anybody except the people who die."

SAM EWING –"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their nose, and some don't turn up at all."

SAM KEEN –"Love isn't about becoming somebody's perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

SAM KEEN –"Once we abandon the age-old quest for consistency, for forging a single identity, for a unifying vision, we are left with no guiding principle except to follow the dictates of the moment."

SAM KEEN –"You come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

SAM LEVENSON –"Love at first sight is easy to understand, it's when two people have been looking at each other for a life time that it becomes a miracle."

SAM PECKINPAH –"There is a great streak of violence in every human being. If it is not channelled and understood, it will break out in war or in madness."

SAMANTABHADRA –"Just as a fire quickly reduces decayed wood to ashes, so does an aspirant who is totally absorbed in the inner self and completely unattached to all external objects shake to the roots, attenuate, and wither away his karma body."

SAMAYIKA PATHA –"May the Lord of Lords, who is free from all blemishes like attachment and aversion which hold in tight bondage all embodied beings, who has no need of sense organs, is knowledge itself and eternally independent, be enshrined in my heart. May the Lord of Lords, whose cognition pervades all the objects in the cosmos, who has attained liberation and perfection, is fully enlightened and absolutely free from the bondage of karma, and whose contemplation destroys all spiritual aberrations, reside in my heart."

SAMI MAHDI –"From gazelles' eyes the pupils dropped when the bridge was bombed Lovers9 rings shattered and mothers were bewildered... with fire we perform our ablutions every morning collecting our remnants And the debris of our houses We purge our souls with the blood of our wounds... Plenty we have received what shall we offer you, 0 lands of patient destitutes? Plenty we have received so receive us and pave with us the paths of wayfarers."

SAMI MANSEI –"Living in this world—/to what shall I compare it? It's like a boat/rowing out at break of day/ leaving no trace behind."

SAMUEL BECKETT- "Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again, fail again."

SAMUEL BECKETT- "Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again, fail again. Fail better."

SAMUEL BECKETT -"Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness."

SAMUEL BECKETT –"I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them."

SAMUEL BECKETT- "We are all borne mad. Some remain so."

SAMUEL BECKETT- "What have I done to god, what has god done to us, what have they done to god?"

SAMUEL BUCKET –"Nothing happens, no body comes, no body goes, and it's awful."

SAMUEL BUTLER –"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income."

SAMUEL BUTLER –"And as the French we conquered once, now give us laws for pantaloons. The length of breeches and the gathers Port-connons, periwigs, and feathers."

SAMUEL BUTLER- "Man is the only animal that laughs and a has state legislature."

SAMUEL BUTLER- "Self preservation is the first law of nature."

SAMUEL BUTLER –"The only absolute morality is absolute stagnation."

SAMUEL BUTLER –"Union may be strength, but it is mere blind brute strength unless wisely directed."

SAMUEL BUTLER THE YOUNGER –"To himself every one is a immortal, he may know that he is going to die but he can never know that he is dead."

SAMUEL COLERIDGE –"Language is the armory of the human mind, and at once contains the trophies of its past and the weapons of its future conquests."

SAMUEL GOLDWYN –"No person who is enthusiastic about his work has anything to fear from life."

SAMUEL GRAFTON –"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye."

SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN –"My soul is dark with stormy riot, Directly traceable to diet."

SAMUEL JACKSON –"All argument is against it; but all belief is for it."

SAMUEL JACKSON –"Everybody likes stories about underdogs that overcome."

SAMUEL JOHNSON - "Oh, no, not me, I never lost control. You're face to face, with the man who sold the world."

SAMUEL JOHNSON - "You have no business with consequences, you are to tell the truth."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Agriculture not only gives riches to a nation, but the only riches she can call her own."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Do not accustom yourself to use big words for little matters."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Every man naturally persuades himself that he can keep his resolutions. He is convinced by the length of time and frequency of experiment."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Great works are performed not by strength, but by perseverance."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"If a man does not make new acquaintance as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Instead of rating the man by his performances, we rate too frequently the performances by the man."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Life is a progress from want to want, not from enjoyment to enjoyment."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Magnificence can not be cheap, for what is cheap can not be magnificent."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage in triumph of hope over experience."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Resolve not to be poor: whatever you have, spent less. Poverty is a great enemy to human happiness; it certainly destroys liberty, and it makes some virtues impracticable, and others extremely difficult."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"So, if you are to speak for people, you must know them, and if you are to respect to people, you must love them."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"The fountain of content must spring up in the mind; and he who has so little knowledge of human nature as to see happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste ; his life in fruitless : efforts, and multiply the grief which he proposes to remove."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"The speculator; who is not content with superficial views, harasses himself with fruitless curiosity; and still, as he inquires more, perceives only that he knows less."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"The use of travelling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"Those who attain any excellence commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often granted upon easier terms."

SAMUEL JOHNSON –"When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live."

SAMUEL SMILES –"Fortune has often been blame for her blindness, but fortune is not as blind as men are."

SAMUEL SMILES –"Hope is like the sun, which as we journey towards it, cast the shadow of our burden behind us."

SAMUEL STEAM –"When I was young, life was a warm and gentle wind and I a weathercock crowing to the world. But now I am old, an uncertain arrow tremblingin the cold of a headless gale."

SAMUEL T COLERIDGE –"Language is the armory of the human ' mind, and at once contains the trophies of its past and the weapons of its future conquests."

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE –"Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind."

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE –"How inimitably graceful children are before they learn to dance."

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE –"So will I build my altar in the fields, And the blue sky my fretted dome shall be, And the sweet fragrance that the wild flower yields Shall be the incense I will yield to thee."

SAMUEL ULLMAN –"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul."

SAMUEL ULLMAN –"Youth is not a time of life it is a state of mind to find it."

SAMUEL ULLMAN –"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind."

SAMULI. PARONEN –"Name is a fence and within it you are nameless."

SAMURAI WISDOM –"I have no tactics; I make Emptiness and Fullness my tactics./ I have no talent; I make Ready Wit my talent./ I have no friends; I make the Mind my friend./ I have no enemy; I make Incautiousness my enemy./1 have no sword; I make No Mind my sword."

SAN TZU –"Invincibility lies in the defence; the possibility of victory in the attack."

SANATAN –"Krishna, who can fathom the depths .of thy heart? As the juggler makes the wooden puppet dance, so, too, does the man whom you inspire, dance without knowing why he is dancing or through whom."

SANAYA ROMAN –"What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do."

SANDMAN –"Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot."

SANJAY SINGH –"Life is just a game, roll the dice, spin the wheel. Whatever comes up is what you get. If you take the game seriously, you become obsessed by it, always '' trying to find a goal, but in the game of life, there is no colourful square that says finish."

SANKHAYANA ARANYAKA –"Even as Brahma can change his form and move at will, so amongst all beings can he change his form and move at will who is a Comprehensor thereof."

SANSKRIT PROVERB –"For breath is life, and if you breathe well you will live long on earth."

SANSKRIT SHIOKAANGIKAM BHUVANAM YASYA/ VACHIKAM SARVA ANGMAYAM/AHARYAM CHANDRA TARADI/ TARN NAMO, SATVIKAM SHIVAM –"0 benevolent Shiva, whose dance is the whole of the cosmos, the music to which is all of creation, who is adorned with the moon and stars as his jewels, and whose abhinaya is eternal, I bow before you!"

SARA PADDISON –"How many times a day does some situation pop up that leads to moments of frustration and anxiety? Surrendering your head to your heart in those moments will lead you to balance and fulfillment. As you listen to your spirit, peace follows. So follow your spirit. Build your foundation in your heart. Love must be your innermost and spontaneous response towards every person you encounter Say to yourself inside, "I just love". Use these words as a key to start the engine running in your heart and watch life brighten with new love and understanding. Surrender to your new awareness and let love unfold the purpose of creation to you."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"Choice is destiny's soul mate."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"Dreams need doing as much as they need being the being always comes first."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"Each day offers us simple gifts when we are willing to search our hearts for the place that's right for each of us."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"Grace is available for each of us every day— our spiritual daily bread — but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"Happiness that the world cannot take away only flourishes in the secret garden of our souls."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"Search for the sacred in the ordinary with gratitude in your heart and you will surely find it."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"The simpler we make our lives, the more abundant they become."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"There is no scarcity except in our souls."

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH –"We don't know if a choice is wise or wrong until we've lived it."

SARAH MAC LAHAN –"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood."

SAROJINI NAIDU –"Beloved, I offer to you in tender allegiance anew/ A bracelet of floss. Let me twist its tassels, vermilion and blue/ and violet, girdle your wrist. Accept this bright gage from my hand, Let your heart its sweet speech understand The ancient high symbol and end/ Is wrought on each gold-threaded strand,/ The fealty of friend unto friend./ A garland how frail of design,/ Our spirit to clasp and entwine/In devotion unstrained and unbroken,/ How slender a circle and sign/ Of secret, deep pledges unspoken."

SAROJINI NAIDU –"In noon-tide hours, 0 Love, secure and strong, I need thee not; mad dreams are mine to bind The world to my desire, and hold the wind A voiceless captive to my conquering song. I need thee not, I am content with these: Keep silence in thy soul, beyond the seas! But in the desolate hour of midnight, when An ecstasy of starry silence sleeps And my soul hungers for thy voice, 0 then, Love, like the magic of wild melodies, Let thy soul answer mine across the seas."

SAROJINI NAIDU –"Thy future calls thee with a manifold sound To crescent honours, splendours, victories vast; Waken, O slumbering Mother and be crowned, Who once were empress of the sovereign past."

SARVAJNANOTTARA AGAMA –"All visibles and invisibles, movables and immovables, are pervaded by Me. All the worlds existing in the tattvas from Shakti to Prithvi exist in me. Whatever is heard or seen, internally or externally, is pervaded by Me."

SARVEPALLI RADHAKRISHANAN- "The worst sinner has a future, even as the greatest saint has had a past. No one is so good or bad as he imagines."

SARVEPALLI RADHAKRISHNAN- "A good teacher must know how to arouse the interest of the pupil in the field of study for which he is responsible… he must himself be a fellow traveler in the exciting pursuit of knowledge."

SARVEPALLI RADHAKRISHNAN –"The worst sinner has a future, even as the greatest saint has had a past. No one is so good or so bad as he imagines."

SASHA AZEVEDO –"To believe in yourself and to follow your dreams, to have goals in life and a drive to success, and to surround yourself with the things and the people that make you happy - this is success!"

SASKYA PANDITA –"It may happen sometimes that a long debate becomes the cause of a longer friendship. Commonly, those who dispute with one another at last agree."

SATAPATHA BRAHMANA –"In the beginning, to be sure, this world was water, nothing but a sea of water. The waters desired, "How can we be propagated?" They kindled their own ardour, performing this very act with fervour. While summoning their creative energy they warmed up and a golden egg wasproduced."

SAUL BELLOW –"A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep."

SAYINGS OF BAHA'U'LLAH –"Humility exalts man to the heaven of glory and power while pride abases him to the depths of wretchedness and degradation... Those I who are the beloved of God, in whatever place they gather and whomsoever they may meet, must ( evince, in their attitude towards God, and in the manner of their celebration of His praise and glory such humility and submissiveness that every atom of dust beneath theirs feet may attest the depth of their devotion."

SAYINGS OF THE PROPHET –"Abu Jariya, an inhabitant of Basra, coming to Medina and being convinced of the inspired mission of Prophet Muhammad asked him, according to a Muslim historian, for some great rule of conduct. "Speak evil of no one," answered the Prophet."

SAYINGS OF ZARATHUSTRA –"I If you want the whole I world to admire you, make everyone happy and waste no time in self admiration. Seek your happiness in the happiness of all. Regard the sorrows and sufferings of others as yours and hasten to assuage them."

SCHILLER –"The man who fears nothing is not less powerful than he who is feared is every one."

SCHILLER –"The opinion of the majority is not the final proof of what is right."

SCHILLER –"The voice of the majority is no proof of justice."

SCHILLER –"When the wine goes in, strange things come out."

SCHOPENHAUER –"The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary."

SCOFF PECK –"Not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but ultimately they are indistinguishable."

SCOTT –"Better ride safe in the dark, says the proverb, than in day light with a cutthroat at your elbow."

SCOTT ADAMS –"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art knows which ones to keep."

SCOTT ADAMS –"I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination."

SCOTT ADAMS –"Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results."

SCOTT HAMILTON –"The only disability in life is a bad attitude."

SCOTTISH PROVERB- "Never merry for money. You'll borrow it cheaper."

SCOTTISH SAYING –"From ghoulies and ghosties and longleggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us!"

SEAMI MOTOKIYO –"The objects of sense in the world ever changing — These we adhere to as things of reality; But in the ocean of birth and death, they drown us. How long shall we wander in this path of dreams? This world to us! Indeed seems permanent and fixed, yet after all, what is it but a road of dreams to which life after life we must perforce return?"

SEAN 0 CASEY –"There is no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible."

SEAN CANNERY –"I'm incredibly lucky to still be around, doing all the things I want to do and getting extremely well paid for it. There's a parallel with golf — a lot of it is in the mind, and the moment you start to lose the enthusiasm or appetite, it affects your judgments and decisions. And then you stop performing well. I think enthusiasm. and appetite are more important than anything else."

SEAN CONNERY –"I have always hated that damn James Bond. I'd like to kill him."

SEBASTIAN R N CHAMFORT –"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."

SEBUKTEGIN –"Wealth cannot be acquired except by good government and wise statesmanship, and good government cannot be achieved except through justice and righteousness."

SENATOR ALAN BIBLE –"We labour long and earnestly for peace, because war threatens the survival of man. It is time we laboured with equal passion to defend our environment. A polluted stream can be as lethal as a bullet."

SENECA - "Fidelity gained by bribes is overcome by bribe."

SENECA - "Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power."

SENECA- "A disease is further on the road to being cured when it breaks further from concealment."

SENECA –"All things are cause for either laughter or weeping."

SENECA –"As long as you live keep learning how to live."

SENECA -"As long as you live, keep learning how to live."

SENECA –"As long as you live, keep learning how to live."

SENECA –"As the soil, however; rich it may be cannot be productive without cultivation, so the mind without culture can never produce good fruit."

SENECA –"Call it Nature, Fate, Fortune; all these are names of the one and selfsame God."

SENECA –"Consult your friend on all things, especially on those with respect to yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgment."

SENECA -"Crime must be concealed by crime."

SENECA –"Human affairs are like a chess game; only those who do not take it seriously can be called good players. Life is like an earthen pot: only when it is shatters does it manifest its emptiness."

SENECA –"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable."

SENECA –"If wisdom were offered me with this restriction, that i should keep it close and not communicate it, i would refuse the gift."

SENECA –"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are different."

SENECA –"Life is neither a good nor an evil, it is a simply the place where good and evil exist."

SENECA –"Life's like a play; it's not the length but the excellence of the acting that matters."

SENECA –"Many have gone through life merely accumulating the instruments of life. Consider individuals, survey men in general: there is none whose life does not look forward to the morrow. 'What harm is there in this?' you ask. Infinite harm; for such persons do not live, but are preparing to live. They postpone everything. While we are postponing, life speeds by."

SENECA –"Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power."

SENECA –"Not a soul takes thought how well he may live — only how long; yet a good life might be everybody's a long one can be nobody's."

SENECA –"Nothing is more disgraceful than that an old man should have nothing to show to prove that he has lived long, except his years."

SENECA –"Old age is an incurable disease."

SENECA –"The time will come when diligent research over long periods will bring to light things which now lie hidden... And so this knowledge will be unfolded only through long successive ages. There will come a time when our descendants will be amazed that we did mot know things that are so plain to them...Many discoveries are reserved for ages stills to come, when memory of us will have been effaced. Our universe is a sorry little affair unless it has in it something for every age to investigate... Nature does not reveal her mysteries once and for all."

SENECA –"To wish to be well is a part of becoming well."

SENECA –"Whenever we want to watch an eclipse of the sun we set out basins filled with oil or pitch, because the heavy liquid is not easily disturbed and so preserves the images it receives."

SENECA –"Worse then war is the fear of war."

SENECA THE YOUNGER –"A kingdom founded ; on injustice never lasts."

SENG-TS'AN –"Stop talking, stop thinking, and there is nothing you will not understand. /Return to the Root and you will find the Meaning;/ Pursue the Light, and you will lose its source...There is no need to seek Truth; only stop having views."

SENG-TS'AN –"The very small is as the very large when boundaries are forgotten; The very large is as the very small when its outlines are not seen."

SEUMES MACMANUS –"Young people don't know what age is and old people forget what youth was."

SEUSS –"You have brains in your bead, and feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose."

SEXTUS THE PYTHAGOREAN –"Whatever you honour above all things, that which you so honour will have dominion over you. But if you give yourself to the domination of God, you will thus have dominion over all things."

SEYMOUR –"How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?"

SEYMOUR MILLS –"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me."

SHABANA AZMI –"Auitudes on Ageing What is old age; when does it sneak in; who falls victim to it? A retired person at 60 qualifies as a senior citizen. But does that make her old? Tiny little adjustments can go a long way in providing the support senior citizens need. If we can free them from their worries and create the support structure they require, they will rise to the level of their own potential. On their own terms."

SHABI START- "Rise above time and space, pass by the world, and be to yourself you own world."

SHABISTARI –"Behold the world mingled together, Angels with demons, Satan with the archangel. All mingled like seed and fruit, Infidel with faithful, and faithful with infidel. At the point of the present are gathered All cycles and seasons, day, month, and year. World at beginning is world without end."

SHABISTARI –"If you cleave the heart of one drop of water, there will issue from it a hundred oceans."

SHABISTARI –"If you wish to see that Face, Seek another eye. The philosopher With his two eyes sees double, So is unable to see unity of Truth."

SHABISTARI –"In every strain which the tavern-haunters hear from the minstrel Comes to them rapture from the unseen world."

SHABISTARI –"Pure being is too bright to behold, yet it can be seen reflected in the mirror of this world."

SHABISTARI –"Rise above time and space, pass by the world, and be to yourself your own world."

SHABISTARI –"T and 'you' are but the lattices,/ in the niches of a lamp,/ through which the One Light shines./ T and 'you' are the veil/ between heaven and earth;/ lift this veil and you will see/ no longer the bonds of sects and creeds./ When 'I' and 'you' do not exist,/ what is mosque, what is synagogue?/What is the Temple of Fire?"

SHABISTARI –"The whole world is yours, yet you remain helpless: one more destitute than you has yet to be seen. They have spoken to you of your Essence. So religious laws have been assigned for you to follow. You are the kernel and the world the shell; Know yourself: the life of the world is you. The world of wisdom and world of the soul are your capital, the earth and sky your ornaments. You are a likeness of the image of God: Ask from yourself anything you may desire."

SHABISTARI –"The world has no substantial reality, but exists as a shadowy pageant or play."

SHABISTARI –"What are "I" and "You"? Just lattices in the niches of a lamp through which the One Light radiates."

SHABISTARI –"You have heard much of this world, yet what have you seen of this world? What is its form and substance? "

SHABISTARI –"Your eye has not strength enough To gaze at the burning sun. But you can see its brilliant light By watching its reflection Mirrored in the water. So the reflection of Absolute Being Can be viewed in this mirror of Non Being, For non-existence, being opposite Reality Instantly catches its reflection."

SHAH HATIM –"0 ye Hindus and Muslims, Tell me which religion says Ignore the God in your heart And be obsessed only with the temple or the mosque."

SHAH OF IRAN –"Let me tell you quite bluntly that this king business has given me personally nothing but headaches... My advisors built a wall between myself and my people. I didn't realise what was happening. When I woke up, I had lost my people."

SHAHNAZYOUSUF –"Bus to Muzaffarabad may not be as spectacular as the breaking of the Berlin Wall, but it will leave a positive impact on the psyche of the Kashmir! People. Give peace a chance."

SHAHRIAR SHAHRIARI –"Main maxims of Zoroastrianism Humata, Hukhta, Huvarshta, which mean: Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds. There is only one path and that is the path of Truth. Do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, and then all beneficial rewards will come to you also."

SHAHRIAR SHAHRIARI –"On Ahura Mazda Ahura means the Lord Creator, and Mazda means Supremely Wise. This was the name by which Zarathushtra addressed his God. He proclaimed that there is only one God, who is the singular creative and sustaining force of the Universe. Zarathushtra was the first Prophet who brought a monotheistic religion."

SHAHRIAR SHAHRIARI –"On Dualism Even though there is only one God, our universe works on the basis of moral dualism. There is Spenta Mainyu or progressive mentality and Angra Mainyu or regressive mentality. Having given us the ability to choose, Ahura Mazda leaves us alone and allows us to make our choices. And if we choose good, we will bring about good, and if we choose evil, we will cause evil This is how the moral universe operates."

SHAIKH ABU SAEED ABIL KHEIR –"Let deep longing dwell in your heart,/ never give up, never lose hope."

SHAIKH AL HUJWIR –"Man's love towards God is a quality that manifests itself in the heart of the pious believer, in the form of veneration and magnification, so that he seeks to satisfy his Beloved and becomes impatient and restless in his desire for vision of Him, and cannot rest with anyone except Him, and grows familiar with the remembrance of Him, and abjures the remembrance of everything besides."

SHAKESPEAR - "We must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures."

SHAKESPEAR –"And when the mind is quicken'd, out of doubt, The organs, though defunct and dead before, Break up their drowsy grave and newly move With casted slough and fresh legerity."

SHAKESPEAR –"Do all men kill the things they do not love?"

SHAKESPEAR -"Small cheer and great welcome makes merry feast."

SHAKESPEAR –"We are such stuff As dreams are made on, and our little life Is rounded with a sleep."

SHAKESPEAR –"We must not make a scarecrow of the law, Setting it up to fear the birds of prey/ And let it keep one shape, till custom make it Their perch and not their terror."

SHAKESPEAR –"Wherein I speak of most disastrous chances, of moving accidentsby flood and field."

SHAKESPEARE –"As you are old a reverend, you should be wise."

SHAKESPEARE –"Be wary, then; best safety lies in fear."

SHAKESPEARE –"Corruption wins not more than honesty."

SHAKESPEARE –"Crabbed age and youth cannot live together; Youth is full of pleasure, age is full of care; Youth like summer morn, age like winter weather; Youth like summer brave, age like winter bare; Youth is full sport, age's breath is short; Youth is nimble, age is lame; Youth is hot and bold, age is weak and »cold; Youth is wild, age is tame; Age, I do abhor thee: Youth, I do adore thee."

SHAKESPEARE –"Ghosts, wondering here and there, troop have to churchyard."

SHAKESPEARE- "I am as poor as job, my lord, but not so patient."

SHAKESPEARE –"In time we hate that which we often fear."

SHAKESPEARE –"Macbeth: Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased, pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, Raze out the written troubles of the brain, and with some sweet oblivious antidote Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff Which weighs upon the heart? Doctor: Therein the patient must minister to himself."

SHAKESPEARE –"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing the attempt."

SHAKESPEARE –"Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safely."

SHAKESPEARE- "Small cheer and great welcome makes merry feast."

SHAKESPEARE –"The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds,/ Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils;/ The motions of his spirit are dull as night,/ And his affections dark as , Erebus;/ Let no such man be trusted."

SHAKESPEARE–"The prince of darkness is a gentleman."

SHAKESPEARE –"The stars above us govern our conditions."

SHAKESPEARE –"There is a tide in the affairs of men/ Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;/ Omitted, all the voyage of their life/ Is bound in shallows and in miseries."

SHAKESPEARE –"There's no such sport as sport by sport o'erthrown, to make theirs ours and ours none but our own."

SHAKESPEARE –"Truth is truth to the end of reckoning."

SHAKESPEARE –"Truth will come to light; murder can not be hiding long."

SHAKESPEARE –"Vengeance is in my heart, death in my hand, Blood and revenge are hammering in my head."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"… We each need to let our intuition guide us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"…. The darkest hour is truly before the dawn."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Every moment is a moment of creation, and each moment of creation contains infinite possibilities."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Falling in love is actually a powerful experience of feeling the universe move through you. The other person has become a channel for you, a catalyst that triggers you to open up to the love, beauty and compassion within."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Giving happens not from a space of sacrifice, or self-righteousness, or an idea of spirituality, but for the pure pleasure of it — because it's fun. It can only come from a full, loving space."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Going with the flow means holding onto your goals lightly ... and being willing to change them if something more appropriate and satisfying comes along. It means being firm, yet flexible."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"I also know that when I'm trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily often miraculously."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"Probably the most difficult part of getting what you want in life is just figuring out what you really want."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"The healing always comes from within."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"There is no separation between us and God; we are divine expressions of the creative principle on this level of existence."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"We always attract into our lives whatever we think about the most, believe in most strongly expect on the deepest levels, and/or imagine most vividly If we are basically positive in attitude, expecting and envisioning pleasure, satisfaction and happiness, we will attract and create people, situations, and events which confirm to our positive expectations. So the more positive energy we put into imagining what we want, the more it begins to manifest in our lives."

SHAKTI GAWAIN –"We are all born with an infinite number of different qualities or energies within us. One of the most important tasks in our life is to discover and develop as. many of these energies as possible, so that we can be well-rounded, and experience the full range of our potential."

SHAKYAMUNI BUDDHA –"Do not commit any unwholesome actions Accumulate virtuous deeds, Tame and train your own mind"."

SHAM LAL –""Hell is others", Tagore might have conceded, but he would have added, "So is Heaven". To him there would be no true love without suffering. Parvati looks all the more, lovely after her great penance. Shakuntala's love finds fulfillment only after the ordeal through which she goes..."

SHAM LAL –"Ahimsa is not an abstract ideal but a practical idea whose efficacy can be judged only by the celerity with which it goes into action. Perhaps there are saints who do not think ill of anyone and who have rid their minds of the last trace of violence."

SHAM LAL –"Ask: Would easier communication be of much avail when people have very little to communicate?"

SHAM LAL –"Every philosophy and every religion has its dialectic of grov/th arid decay and it is helpful to understand the circumstances."

SHAM LAL –"It is modern poets, playwrights and novelists in contrast to social scientists, who are primarily concerned with existential problem and seek answers to questions which bug the more sensitive today."

SHANA WILSON –"Ghosts and goblins and witches with wild hair give you a scare with there wicked stare. If you are scared of the dark or ghastly creatures lurking in the park then you should not go out on Halloween night because most likely it will give you a fright. Poltergeists and zombies come up from their graves and bats are screeching in their caves. Banshees are screaming. I hope your flashlight is beaming. Watch out or something just might say BOO! Don't say that I didn't warn you."

SHANE WARNE –"Whoever writes my scripts is doing an unbelievable job... There's some special things that happen in your life and some special days in your life and this is definitely one of them."

SHANNON SERVICE –"How I lead my life speaks a prayer for the world I want to create."

SHANTIDEVA –"My own self and my pleasures, my righteous past, present and future, may i sacrifice without regard, in order to achieve the welfare of other beings."

SHANTIDEVA –"Whenever there is attachment in my mind and whenever there is the desire to be angry, i should not do anything nor say anything..."

SHARON STONE –"Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell."

SHASHI THAROOR –""But Ammamma", I would ask my grandmother, "why does Ganesh ride a rat?" My grandmother explained that each animal is a symbol of Ganesh's capacities: "like an elephant, he can crash through the jungle uprooting every impediment in his path, while like the rat he can burrow his way through the tightest of defences"."

SHAW, G.B. –"EVERYONE DIES, BUT NOT EVERYONE FULLY LIVES. TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE HAVING A NEAR-LIFE EXPERIENCE."

SHEIKH ABDULLAH –"Kashmir will ever be with India, whatever sacrifices we shall have to make.

SHEKEL HAKODESH –"He who doth choose charity for a fortress will find men of their own accord humble themselves before him; against all daily accidents and dire calamity there's naught to shield affirm man like deeds of kindness."

SHEKEL HAKODESH –"Kings may rule the world, but the wise rule kings."

SHEKEL HAKODESH –"To be too fond of this world and of that which is there in, provoketh the wrat of Heaven. If thou sacrifice this fondness, thou shalt be sure of the glory and grace of thy God."

SHEL SILVERSTEIN –"I will not play tug o' war. I'd rather play hug o' war. Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins."

SHELDON B. KOPP - "The only times that we can have what we long for are those moments when we stop grasping for it."

SHELDON S. MAYE –"I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday. If you do it right today."

SHERIOCK HOLMES –"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."

SHERWOOD EDDY –"Faith is not trying to believe something regardless of the evidence; faith is daring to do something regardless of the consequences."

SHILPA PREM –"The border that stands between you and I Resembles nothing but a clear-cut, fictitious lie."

SHINTO –"Even in a single leaf of a tree, or a tender blade of grass, the awe-inspiring Deity manifests."

SHINTO –"Even in a single leaf of a tree, or a tender blade of grass, the awe-inspiring Deity manifests Itself."

SHINTO UDEN FUTSUJOSHO –"Prayers to the Deity accompanied by monetary gifts secured by injustice are sure not to be granted. Pray in all righteousness and the Deity will be pleased to listen to your supplication. Foolish is he who, in impatient eagerness and without following the path of righteousness, hopes to obtain divine protection."

SHINTOISM –"All appetites are natural and hence are divine gifts; and the temperate enjoyment of them is a divine power. If man oversteps the limits of moderation, he pollutes his body and mind. To be godlike is to be natural; to be natural is to follow Nature. Keep within the limits set by instinct and reason. This is the fundamental conception of Due Measure."

SHINTOISM –"All things of this world have their own spirituality, as they were born from the divine couple. Therefore, the relationship between the natural environment of this world and people is that of blood kin, like the bond between brother and sister."

SHIRLEY ABBOTT –"We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies."

SHIRLEY MACLAINE –"I don't need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves."

SHIRLEY MACLAINE –"What we are and what we may be Is revealed by the light within."

SHIV KHERA –"Successful people don't do different things. They do things differently."

SHIV KHERA –"Winning don't do different things, they just do things differently."

SHIVA PURANA –"In the pure world of Kailasha, Rudra, the annihilator of living beings, is stationed. Beyond that are the 56 worlds ending with Ahimsa region. The action-Lord who has screened everything is stationed in the city of Jnanakailasha in the Ahimsa region. At the end of the same is the wheel of Time and beyond the ken of Time is the space called Kalatita. There Kala, God of death and Time, backed by Shiva, unites everyone with Time."

SHIVA SUBRAMANIAM –"Using six thinking hats and lateral thinking, invented by Edward de Bono, one can enhance confidence in oneself and be a better thinker and creative person."

SHOMSHUKLLA –"Those white flowers I know them Do you? From the time I was a child I know them Frangipani I spent many an afternoon collecting them Bending Sometimes sitting On the ground Stretching my young arms Across the grass Or just jumping for them Those white Frangipani."

SHRI MANGATRAMJI MAHARAJ –"Whenever there is the influence of the Lord's pleasure, the mind transcends truth and error. At such moments the knowledgeable satpurush understands the inner pleasure that lies within that disinterested transcendence."

SHUETASHUARA UPANISHAD –"Meditate and realize this world is filled with the presence of God."

SHUETASHVATARA –"One should know that nature is surely maya and the ruler of maya is the Great Lord. This whole world is pervaded by beings that are parts of Him."

SHVETASHVATARA –"Health, a light body, freedom from cravings, a glowing skin, sonorous voice, fragrance of body, these signs indicate progress in the practice of meditation."

SHVETASHVATARA UPANISHAD –"He is fire and the sun, and the moon/ and the stars. He is the air and the sea/ He is the blue bird, he is the green bird/ with red eyes; he is the thundercloud, / and he is the seasons and the seas/ from his divine power comes forth all this/ Magical show of name and form."

SHVETASHVATARA UPANISHAD –"Health, a light body, freedom from cravings, a glowing skin, sonorous voice, fragrance of body: these signs indicate ' progress in the practice of meditation."

SID CAESER- "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

SID MADWED –"When you choose to be happy everyday You'll find good things come your way If you want to be happy start where you are. Don't look for happiness, distant and far. You can find happiness just where you are. You can find it just where you are..."

SIDDHASANA –"Lord Mahavira, your word sometimes supports the view of providence, at other times calls events spontaneously occurring or ascribes destiny to external factors. At times you hold) the deeds of individuals to be the mould of their desert, at other times find that another's deeds project their moral reflection on the individual."

SIDHAGOST –"The lotus in the water is not wet nor the water-fowl in the stream. If a man would live, but by the world untouched, Meditate and repeat the name of the Lord."

SIDNET POITIER –"We will suffer from the preoccupation that there exists, in our love one, perfection."

SIDNEY MADWED –"You can choose to be happy or sad and whichever you choose that is what you get. No one is really responsible to make someone else happy, no matter what most people have been taught and accept as true."

SIDNEY PETTIER –"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists, in our loved one, perfection."

SIGMUND FREUD - "A fool in love makes no sense to me. I only think you are a fool if you do not love."

SIGMUND FREUD – "The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it is almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you love that you do."

SIGMUND FREUD –"A kiss is a trick devised by nature to stop speech when words become superficial."

SIGMUND FREUD –"Demons do not exist any more than gods do, being only the products of the psychic activity of man."

SIGMUND FREUD –"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."

SIGMUND FREUD –"Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go."

SIGMUND FREUD –"Hopeless romantics are only hopeless in the eyes of those who don't believe in romance."

SIGMUND FREUD –"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces."

SIGMUND FREUD –"In the long run nothing can withstand reason and experience."

SIGMUND FREUD –"It is a mistake to believe that a science consists in nothing but conclusively proved propositions, and it is unjust to demand that it should. It is a demand only made by those who feel a craving for authority in some form and a need to replace the religious catechism by something else, even if it be a scientific one."

SIGMUND FREUD –"Love isn't about becoming somebody's perfect person; it's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be."

SIGMUND FREUD –"The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it is almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you love that you do,"

SIGMUND FREUD –"We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."

SIGN IN A SHOP –"THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING. Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It contaminates the air, pollutes my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent."

SIKH PRAYER –"Having first remembered God the Almighty, think of Guru Nanak. Then of Angad Guru and Amar Das, and Ram Das, may they help us. Remember Guru Arjan, Guru Har Gobind and the holy Guru Har Rai. Let us think of holy Har Krishan whose sight dispels all sorrows. Let us remember Tegh Bahadur and the nine treasures shall come hastening to our homes. May they all assist us everywhere. May the tenth Guru Gobind Singh the lord of hosts and protector of the faith assist us everywhere: Turn your thoughts. 0, Khalsa to the teachings of Guru Granth Sahib and call on God."

SIKH THOUGHT –"From Primal Truth emanated air; from air emanated water; from water emanated three worlds and Himself He merged with the creation."

SIKH THOUGHT –"From Primal Truth emanated air; from air emanated water; from water emanated three worlds and Himself He merged with the creation."

SIMI BAJAJ –"...The little girl closed her eyes And prayed to the mother divine O Ma, enlighten this world with wisdom Erase the, demarcation line."

SIMI BAJAJ –"An aura as brilliant as the magnificent Sun A beauty as luminous as the ethereal Moon A lingering fragrance that reminds you Of beautiful flowers in full bloom."

SIMI BAJAJ –"Call her Durga, call her Sati Call her Devi, call her Ma; Pray to her with a true heart And seek her blessings in the Navratra."

SIMI BAJAJ –"Do not seek her in lifeless idols Widen your horizon and aim for the whole You will not have to go too far As she resides in the depth of your soul."

SIMI BAJAJ –"Her love is unconditional and pure Her presence sweet, soft and calm Her heart is full of deep emotions Her touch, like a soothing balm She is the anchor of wavering ships Sailing on the rough waters of life She slips with ease into the role of a mother After perfecting those of daughter and companion If only the people of this world Treated Mother Earth with the same love As that of their own mother This world would be like heaven above."

SIMI BAJAJ –"I see her Image in a helpless, old woman I see her countenance in the smile of a girl I sense her presence everywhere In tinkling anklets and skirts that swirl."

SIMI BAJAJ –"Let the girl child enjoy every right equally And not only on these nine holy days Cherish and nurture her forever Make her the light of your life..."

SIMI BAJAJ –"She might be the wife of Lord Shiva She might be the mother of Ganesha But I see in her my mother the source of all compassion and love."

SIMI BAJAJ –"The experience of Motherhood Gave a new dimension to Love The depth of feelings and emotions Moved, even the heavens and God above."

SIMI BAJAJ –"The little girl smiled to herself As she reviewed her precious treasure Glittering bangles, bright dupattas And lots of coins to measure."

SIMI BAJAJ –"The most pure relationship in this world Is that of a child and mother Treat me like your child, Oh Devi Ma! For me you are motherhood incarnate."

SIMI BAJAJ –"The name they gave her was 'kanjak' But what it meant, she had no clue She was to be worshipped in the Navratras And showered with gifts, too!"

SIMI BAJAJ –"Words cannot express the depth of emotions That a man feels on becoming a father A role that grants him maturity and responsibility A role above that of a son, husband or brother I think of my father with deep affection He gave me roots and also wings I feel grateful for all that he did In shaping my heart, that loves and sings."

SIMON AND GARFUNKEL –"Old friends, Old friends Sat on their park bench Like bookends. A newspaper blown through the grass Falls on the round toes On the high shoes Of the old friends. Old friends, Winter companions, The old men Lost in their overcoats, Waiting for the sunset. The sounds of the city, Sifting through the trees, Settle like dust on the shoulders Of the old friends. Can you imagine us Years from today, Sharing a park bench quietly? how terribly strange To be seventy Old friends, Memory brushes the same years, Silently sharing the same fear..."

SIMON CAMERON –"An honest politician is one who, which he is bought, will stay bought."

SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR-"One is not born a women one becomes one".

SIMONE SIGNORET –"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years."

SIMONE WEIL –"If we go down into ourselves, we find that we possess exactly what we desire."

SIMONE WELL –"The contemporary form of true greatness lies in a civilization founded on the spirituality of work."

SIMONE WELL –"What a country calls its vital economic interests are not the things which enable its citizens to live, but the things which enable it to make war. Petrol is more likely than wheat to be a cause of international conflict."

SINTETOS –"A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day."

SIOUX PRAYER –"Behold this buffalo, 0 grandfathers, which you have given us. He is the chief of all four-legged upon our Sacred Mother. From him the people live and with him they walk the sacred path."

SIR A.P.HERBERT- "People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any act of parliament."

SIR ARTHUR CONAM DOYLE –""What the deuce is it to me?" he interrupted impatiently; "You say that we go round the serif we went round the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or to my work".

SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE –"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

SIR EDMUND HILLARY –"It is not mountain we conquer, but ourselves."

SIR EDWARD COKE –"He is not cheated who knows he is being cheated."

SIR GEORGE PORTER –"I have no doubt that we will be successful in harnessing the sun's energy… If sunbeams were weapons of war, we would have had solar energy centuries ago."

SIR GEORGE PORTER –"If sunbeams were weapons of war, we could have had solar energy centuries ago."

SIR ISAAC NEWTON –"I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me."

SIR ISAIAH BERLIN –"Man cannot live without seeking to describe and explain the universe."

SIR JAMES FRAZER –"The moral world is as little exempt as the physical world from the law of ceaseless change, of perpetual flux."

SIR JAMES M. BARRIE –"If you have love, you don't need anything else. And if you don't have it, it does not matter much what else you have."

SIR JOHN LUBBOCK –"What we see depends mainly on what we look for."

SIR MARTIN REES –"It gives one a slightly different perspective on time scales. From astronomy one learns the immense time spans involved in cosmic evolution — billions of years. More importantly, we are still at the beginning of cosmic evolution, not the culmination. Even our sun is less than halfway through its life. So we should regard ourselves as part of the natural order, rather than the culmination of it... There's as much time ahead of us as there has been in

SIR MARTIN REES –"We are the dust of long dead stars. Or, if you want to be less romantic, we are nuclear waste... The most wonderful thing we know about in the universe is life, and that's the most complicated emergent phenomena we know of."

SIR PHILIP SIDNEY –"They are never alone that are accompanied with noble thoughts."

SIR ROGER L. ESTRANGE –"It is with your passions, as it is with fire and water, they are good servants but bad master."

SIR THOMAS BROWNE –"By compassion we make others' misery our own, and so, by relieving; them, we relieve ourselves also."

SIR WALTER RALEIGH –"Give me my scallop shell of quiet, My staff of faith to walk upon, My scrip of joy, immortal diet, My bottle of salvation, My gown of glory, hope's true gage, And thus I'll take my pilgrimage."

SIR WALTER SCOTT- "All men who have turned out worth any thing have had the chief hand in their own education."

SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL –"If you're going through hell, keep going."

SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL –"Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it."

SISMUND FREUD –"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces."

SKYE THOMAS –"I'd rather be pissed off with my eyes wide open than to be blessed out with my eyes glazed over."

SLMAN RUSHDIE- "Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself."

SNOOP DOGG –"Don't get upset girl, that's just how it goes/ I don't love you hoes/I'm out the do. And I'll be/Rollin' down the street/' Smokin' indo/sippin' on gin and juice."

SOCRATES –"As for me, all I know is that I know nothing."

[ad_2] Source by Mr. Ashok Sharma

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