#i never read the other books because my love for the first one was ferocious but im going to now. once i can get to a library theyre mine

[iphigeniacomplex]

reread the girl who circumnavigated fairyland in a ship of her own making last week. i used to carry that book around with me everywhere as a kid; still don't like being in a new space without it, but i haven't actually reread very frequently. very pleased to announce that it still makes me feel crazy in the same ways it did when i was nine and twelve and fourteen. i have to find my younger selves and scoop them up and tell them all. like you know what september singing her death to sleep with the lullaby her mother used for her as her body decays in the worsted wood WAS gorgeous! the house without warning WAS delightful and tragic! the repeated theme of the precise nature of the story being uncertain, culminating in the marquess being able to escape by altering the tone of the story and then using genre conventions concerning the archetype she would fill within the type of story she presents WAS insane and you WERE real as fuck for feeling an uncomfortable sort of identification with her! THE ENDING OF THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE WAS REALLY SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moonlightndaydreams]

When SKZ find your smut reading history....

NSFW // SMUT // MDNI

a/n: this is a reupload from ages ago, and thought I'd bring it back.

Chan: Werewolf Romance.

When Chan finds your iPad with your tumblr account open he notices A LOT of WEREWOLF themed stories in your feed. “She must be really into this.” He notes and then he decides he will bring some of this to the bedroom. He checks when the next full moon is. Then he gets to work organizing. Think furs and rugs and a crackling fire. Chan has totally brought out his outfit from Kingdom out of the wardrobe. It’s not the first time you have role played during sex, so he’s confident to just spring the whole thing on you. You come in through the front door to your home and he’s immediately on you. Pushing you up against the wall. “I can smell your cunt already, my precious little thing.” He sneers. You gasp when he growls and sinks to his knees, tearing your skirt right off you along with your panties. “Channie, are you… are you being a—” you start as you take in his costume. “Yes a werewolf baby.” He snarls as he stands back up and releases his dick, lifting you up against the wall and wrapping your legs around his waist as he impales you on his cock. No prep. You love it. He attacks your collarbone ferociously with his mouth as he carries you to the bedroom where he’s set it up to look like some kind of primitive sleeping (fucking) area. You can do nothing but let him fuck you dumb, marking you, biting you, eating you out like you’re the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted, not stopping until the sun comes up.

Hyunjin: Old Time Vampire king. Ethereal. Beautiful. Captivating.

Your bf Hyunjin knows you’re into the whole “vampire thing” what with all your Anne Rice books, and obsession with Dracula. But his idea to bring your vampire fantasy to life started all because he saw this gothic-like winged armchair in a vintage store. He had this vision of himself wearing all black leather, his black hair half up-half down, and makeup. He’s thinking dark red lipstick, pale foundation, contact lenses. So he bought the armchair, some eerie candlesticks, and a soft red blanket (to fuck on after you’ve sucked him off on the chair). He waited for a night when you’d be home in the dark. He was ready, dressed up, candles lit. You entered a whole other world when you entered your bedroom. Hyunjin never looked so fuckable. So grand sitting with one leg crossed over the other, his hand playing around near his mouth. A wild, crazed expression on his face. He looked absolutely unhinged and you fell to your knees immediately to beg him to let you suck his cock, and for him to suck your pulse. The next few hours saw you choking on his cock, being bitten all along your neck and inner thighs, being eaten out like you were having the life sucked from you, to being absolutely possessed by this beautiful man as he relentlessly fucked into you and filling you up over and over again.

Minho: Mafia /Ganster/ Business Man.

Yep, Lee Minho knew you love your Mafia/gangster enemies to lovers books. You had a whole fucking bookshelf of them these days. He wondered what it was about them that kept your nose buried in the pages, so he read a few of them himself when you were at work. Holy fucking shit you were into some rough, toxic themes. He thought to himself. Minho could work with that though, he loved to be bossy and rough. You received a message one afternoon to meet him at a hotel. Wear something sexy, and be ready for a surprise. You entered the hotel room, one of the more flashy suites, to find the room dimly lit save for a lamp on a desk. Sitting at the other side of the desk was your Minho dressed in a flashy suit and an unreadable expression as he sat reading one of your Mafia books. He looked up and gave you a sinister smirk. “Hmm, it seems according to this book, you’ve been sent to me as some sort of payment or bargain.” He stood up, throwing the book on the desk and sauntering over to stand next to you. You were absolutely soaking at the thought of what Minho might have in store for you. “And that you are here simply to please me. My little slave bride.” He whispered in your ear. “And I want to start with you sitting on my desk while I eat you out.” He slid his hand up your inner thigh to explored the fabric of your panties. “So wet. Then you’re gonna let me fuck your face. And that’s just for starters.”

Felix: Fairy in the woods/otherworldly creatures.

Felix sat wide eyed looking at your Kindle library. From what he could see you had some sort of non-human and size kink. And forests. Always forests. He didn’t want you to know that he’d been looking through your stories, but he couldn’t keep his mind off of somehow recreating the theme with you? He thought about it for weeks, and then the idea came. “Love, I need you to come meet me at this little holiday place tomorrow afternoon”. He gave you the address. You were intrigued and excited for a little dirty weekend away. It turned out Felix had booked a cabin in the woods, a tiny home. How cute. Until Felix stepped out of the cabin and rushed over to you. He seemed nervous as he asked if you were a lost human. A lost what? You gawked, but then you saw it. His contact lenses making him seem mystical. The pale foundation that allowed his freckles to show through. The light lipstick, slightly smeared like he’d been kissing for hours, and the interesting attire… like wings? Then it clicked. So he knew what type of books really get you hot, then? But he seemed so nervous. “I am so very lost.” You cooed looking through your lashes innocently. “Can you help me? Take me to your home?” You added. Once inside the cabin he sat nervously watching you. “Have you never seen a human up close before?” You broke the silence. Felix shook his head. You stood up from your seat and slowly walked over to the visibly shaking man/creature? You straddled him and sunk down onto his lap and his dick immediately started to fill out. He could never get enough of you. “That must mean you’ve never touched a human then?” You purred in his ear. “And,” you stroked his cheek, making him shiver. “you definitely haven’t fucked one.” You leaned in close “Let me change that for you.”

Jisung: A Demon/Spirit/Creature.

Hannie couldn’t quite decide what fantasy to bring to life for you. It wasn’t his first foray. He loved to see what you had been reading on Tumblr and then putting a little something together for you. He’d “sprung” things on you before, like when he dressed up as an alien and pretended his dick was a tentacle (along with the toys he had bought for the occasion). He’d dressed up in lingerie one time because you had read a cross dressing piece. Han would do anything to please you, and although he was always nervous, you always got so aroused that the nerves were worth it. The only problem was that he’d sometimes get confused (or carried away) and end up mixing themes. Like tonight. You weren’t sure what he was supposed to be, but he’d made a nest of clothes on the floor, along with pillows and blankets. He’d got his hands on some interesting contact lenses and he was butt-naked. “Is this a nest my love?” you gushed bringing your hands together in excitement. Han nodded. “I’m a demon… Or maybe an incubus… um.. or…” he scratched his head. “Are you a demon-slash-incubus-slash-creature that needs taking care of…. or…. a demon-slash-incubus-slash-creature that wants to fuck my brains out until I beg you to stop?” Hannie looked at you with confusion and your heart melted at how innocent he looked. He scratched his head. “Um… I can’t remember what the story said.” he half smiled. You grinned “Baby! Just throw me down on the floor and see what happens.” And he did. It started off sweet and tender, but as usual, once Han got into it, you ended up sweaty, filthy and covered in cum, and most definitely satisfied. (sorry guys, I couldn’t decide what I wanted our Jisung to do… I like him in so many ways but I had to go with something before I overthought things).

Binnie: Fireman spicy romance.

That is what Binnie sees you reading while curled up on the couch next to you. You seem to be absolutely enthralled, captivated even, but somehow you are able to keep a straight face whilst reading the really dirty parts. Binnie wondered what kinds of faces you’d pull if he dressed up like a fireman and fucked you senseless? Would you keep a straight face, or would you beg him to let you come, to save you from that fire in your core? He needed to find out. “You know, babe,” he pointed at the book in your hand. “I reckon I could make a better fireman than that made up character in your book.” You raise an eyebrow and look up from your page. “You think?” you challenge. Binnie loves a challenge. So you both made a plan. You would call him up on the phone because you were in the bath tub and needed rescuing. He’d come in to put the fake fire out and save you. But he can’t resist your nakedness, your neediness, your timidness. You can’t resist the tight shirt and uniform, his muscles bulging underneath the cotton fabric. He’d even gone as far as smearing grey ash on his body for full effect. “It’s okay baby girl, Binnie’s got you. What do you need to feel better? What can I do?” You look up at him with big fearful eyes. “I…I need you to fill me up… need your cock… please.” you are desperate, and Binnie cannot deny you, bending you over the side of the tub and pushing his thick cock deep into you. “Let Binnie make it all better.” And he smirks when he sees you can’t keep a straight face, it’s contorted in pleasure, while he’s doing the filthiest things to you.

Jeongin: Boy next door/ Kidnapper

You loved your dinner dates with your boyfriend, Jeongin, and this one was no exception. He’d picked you up, bought you flowers, took you to a cute restaurant. You both laughed at his silly words. All the cheesy, cute couple things. Jeongin was the sweetest man you had ever dated. Super considerate and kind. That’s why you were taken by surprise when after you left the restaurant he pushed you up against the wall. It wasn’t like him to exhibit PDA, and he wasn’t about to either. He leaned in close to your ear. “I know the types of stories you’re into.” he whispered. Oh! Fuck. Your eyes widened. “And I wanna explore the concept with you.” You gasped. He knew you were into the kidnapping/Stockholm syndrome type scenarios? You made eye contact with him. “If you’ll let me, this is what’s going to happen.” he kissed your neck softly. “You’re going to get into the car, no fuss.” His stroked your cheek with a finger. A wetness forming in your panties, a thrilling feeling through your veins. “Then I am going to restrain you, and take you into my special hideout where no one can find you. Where no one can hear you scream.” Where did this Jeongin come from? “And…and what are you going to do with me?” you stammered playing along. He pulled away and smiled kindly, but there was a sinister energy behind is eyes. “Oh, I’m going to make you beg me for release… sexually that is. And I am going to use you however I choose. If.. if you want to that is.” he suddenly went shy. “Jeongin! Let’s fucking go!”

Seungmin: Pirate! “Can I tie you up tonight, doll?”

Seungmin remarks while you finish washing up dishes together. “Of course.” you reply like you were talking about what movie to watch later. You both loved a little bondage here and there. So after the kitchen was tidied, and you had both showered, Suengmin directed you to kneel on the middle of the bed in just a little satin nightie. “Let’s get you restrained. Good girl.” he whispered. “I’m going to to leave the room for a moment, okay? But I just want to make sure you have your safeword and colour system revised. Tonight is going to be a bit different to usual so I need you to speak up if you’re not comfortable. No safeword or colour, I keep going. Got it?” you nod. Seungmin was always so practical, and sensible, which meant you got the shock of your life when he returned dressed as a fucking pirate! You almost laughed if not for the horror of realising that he must have seen what smut you had been reading. You felt like you were going to die of shame. Suengmin, sensing your humiliation laughed coldly. “This is what you want, right?” he smirked at you. “I mean,” he knelt on the bed and gripped your chin, forcing it up to look at him. He even had an eyepatch on. “Stowing away on a ship like this, a pretty little angel like you… you are asking to be ruined.” he slid a hand up you thigh to find your dripping cunt. “Hmm… looks like that’s exactly what you want to happen. Turn around.” Your turned around and was pushed face first into the mattress. “It’s been so long since I got to fuck a pretty little pussy like this. Hold still. I need to see how much of me you can take, before I really get started.”

------

@channieandhisgoonsquad @noellllslut @itsseohannbin @weareapackofstrays @xxkissesforchanniexx @starr-lvst @queenmea604 @queen-in-the-shadows @newhope8 @vanillacupcakefrosting @3rachasdomesticbanana @fun-fanfics @palindrome969 @rhonnie23 @jisunglyricist @strayywayy @yaorzu-blog @armystay89 @igetcarriedawaywithyou @everythingboutkpop @jiminssluttyminx @felixleftchickennugget @minho4cat

[ghostfaceaddams]

guts

summary: Wednesday confesses her feelings for you in her own Wednesday Addams way.

warnings: cussing and fake death (mention of blood)

word count: 2,514

a/n: this is based off of this post! This sucks, just a fair warning. I love Wednesday and I know how she would do romance, but articulating it is super difficult. I'm hoping I can get better at writing her since this is only my first time and I love her so much. Anygays, enjoy!

The day had been dreadful for you.

Dreadful in the sense as it being so awful that you wanted to go home and just gently cry yourself to sleep. Ever since knowing Wednesday, you had realized just how potent perception was to each individual. A dreadful day for Wednesday would end with a gentle tugging of the corner of her lips before crossing her arms comfortably across her chest.

They were not the same. It didn’t take much effort into noticing the differences between the Addams family and the rest of the world. And yet, the two of you always seemed to get along. Well, getting along in terms of Wednesday Addams. That meant there was less scowling and a minimum amount of threats within the presence of each other.

Developing a fascination with Wednesday was almost instantaneous for any and everyone. Harboring a crush for the goth wasn’t an unusual occurrence either. Being compared to Wednesday only meant pointing out all the differences between Wednesday and the other person. It was only natural to become intrigued by the lifeless, unblinking stare and morbid interests.

As for the feelings, Wednesday Addams was aesthetically pleasing to the eyes. Her pale skin and raven hair were stark yet appealing contrasts with freckles sprinkled around. One could simply not fall in love with the goth after noticing the sea of freckles. Not to mention how soft and full her lips looked, always pale but darker than her pale skin.

The aurora that surrounded her and the way she held herself were both handsome attributes that lured you in. Her intelligence was admirable (as well as sexy if anyone was to ask you). Her voice was often times even and lifeless as she spoke, or even and factual; the sound was always pleasing to the ears, caressing the skin of your body and your heart.

It was when emotion trickled through her voice that you were really left weak in the knees. The fact that ninety-percent of that was directed towards you when conversing? Well, it would be more of a mystery to not fall for her.

So, yes, you were completely and utterly infatuated with Wednesday Addams. Her grace and beauty were so captivating. The goth’s entire being was an addiction for you.

Wednesday wasn’t a romantic person though. She burned romance books and nearly fell ill whenever Enid or Divina decided to display a romcom. Any form of affection had her wrinkling her nose and stitching her eyebrows together in a ferocious, pout. She always made discouraging remarks about Ajax and Enid’s relationship; everyone only knew the remarks were half-assed because the rainbow werewolf had managed to worm her way into the goth’s heart.

Yoko and Divina holding hands as they walked along the lake or cuddled on the couch for movie night always prompted a scowl from Wednesday.

Of course, everyone knew how much she abhorred physical touch. Despite wanting to drift your fingers through her bangs to smooth them out after a vision or lightly drag your fingers along the palm of her hand, you never did. Kissing Wednesday was the most prominent and recurring fantasy of yours, but you left it at that.

You respected Wednesday’s boundaries and loved her too much to attempt to cause the girl any discomfort.

Even with all of the walks to classes and shared isolation wasn’t enough to warrant suspicions from you. The only person allowed to be present during Wednesday’s writing period (Enid would be there wether she was allowed or not) was you. You’d never once asked to read her novel, but you did mention wanting to if Wednesday ever changed her mind; to that she had just hummed thoughtfully.

Her eyes were always a shade lighter and her face marginally softer when in the company of you. She declared you were the least annoying person out of “this group you all like to label as a friend group.” To Wednesday, it was just a group of people that she didn’t want to kill (as badly as others). Even her digs at you weren’t as callous as the others.

Enid had been trying to convince you to make a move because “Wednesday totes likes you!” but, “is too stubborn to make the first move.” But you’d spent enough time studying Wednesday and enough time putting yourself out there just to be shut down, to not make a move. You wouldn’t label the relationship between you and the goth as a friendship, but in their own unique slash dysfunctional slash bizarre way, they were friends.

You didn’t want to lose the nights of wordlessly stargazing after having watched her practice her cello, of days where she glared at Xavier in botany for even attempting to converse with you, of philosophical spiels from the goth and her in return trying to keep up with your hyperfixations, of her warning you to be careful if you were in the woods alone before deciding to accompany you because it was the “smarter” decision.

Wednesday was different with you from the others, you knew that, but the reasoning having to do with romance was absurd.

Absolutely, completely, and totally absurd.

Yoko was staying at Divina’s for the night, so you flipped the light-switch as soon as stepping foot into the shared dorm. You made sure to lock the door behind you, knowing that Wednesday would pinch your ear if she found out you didn’t.

She always threatened to hurt you if you got injured or killed and glared when you would laugh at the irony. You didn’t really mind though, because you could only find her scowl adorable and not intimidating. Though, you’d never dream of saying that to her. She’d probably either ignore you for a week or stick needles in her eyes.

You dropped your bag off by your desk then went to your closet to find some pj’s. As heavy as your limbs were and how your eyelids kept drooping, you knew you needed a shower and showers before bedtime always helped you sleep better. So, you quickly brushed your teeth and turned all of the lights off.

The last thing you did before rolling onto your side and easily drifting off to a different state of mind was plug your phone in.

You weren’t sure how long you had been under Mr. Sandman’s spell, but the sky was just as thickly black as before and Yoko wasn’t back. In fact, the door wasn’t even opened. The window leading into your shared dorm was opened barely an inch, and you knew it had been shut before going to bed. No one could get into your room from there anyways, unless they were Spider-Man and could climb walls.

The chilly noise that had roused your from your sleep wasn’t uttered again. Deciding you were probably only half-asleep and imagined the noise, you moved to curl back up in your previous position. But then there was a thump and a swirl that sounded like a body zooming across the room, ending with a thud on the floor.

Considering your deep-rooted love for horror and having faced a Hyde and a Pilgrim raised from the dead, not much could scare you at this point. Your hand was sturdy as it reached out to turn your lamp on and the racing of your heart wasn’t an obnoxious thump but a steady hum. What you saw next had your heart stilling in your chest.

“Wednesday!”

You leapt off the bed without a second thought and rushed to the aid of a seizing goth. Her body flung itself so she was on her back. Despite her head flinging this way and that and the rest of her body spasming, you quickly grabbed her and cradled her against your lap.

“Wednesday! Wh-what’s happening?” You asked despite her seemingly partly unconscious.

Two shallow breaths scratched the thick air around them and then Wednesday’s small body slumped. While it wasn’t unusual for the goth to be laying exceptionally still and her face expressionless, it was dialed to one-hundred. Or more like negative-one-hundred from how still and chilly she was.

There was blood scattered all over her body, turning her black clothes even darker. Even her sweet face that held so much information with the lack of expressions had blood splashed all over. There was barely an inch of her skin that was just her pale complexion and not slick blood. Her bangs that you were so obsessed with were messy and the rest of her hair was goopy with blood.

You gently cupped her cheek, as if that would keep the Addams girl from being harmed. She was already unmoving and unresponsive, you didn’t want to make matters worse. You couldn’t hurt Wednesday, especially when she already was so terribly hurt.

You sniffed and strummed your thumb along her elegant cheekbone. Her already chilly skin was even cooler, causing your fingertips to twitch and the rest of your body to spasm. Tears were cascading down your cheeks and dripping onto Wednesday’s face. You hadn’t even realized you were crying, you didn’t feel the slick heat on your cheeks or your eyes burning.

You didn’t feel anything. All you could feel was the barbed wire tightening further and further around your trembling heart. You were sure you were bleeding internally from her heart, and you hoped it would overflow so that you wouldn’t have to live in a world that didn’t have the insatiable Wednesday Addams in it.

“Wednesday, come on, wake up. This…” You swallowed hard. “This isn’t funny, though I know you find your cruel shenanigans to be just that.”

Seconds ticked by without a witty remark from the cold girl in your arms. Tears kept spilling down your face, so much so that you could wipe all the blood off of Wednesday. When too many tears blurred your vision and you could never see the most beautiful person ever, you dropped your head to her chest and clung to her tightly.

‘I should’ve listened to Enid.’ You couldn’t believe that something so horrible and so horribly cliche could be true! All this time you had waisted pining for Wednesday and now she’ll never know how you truly feel about her. You’d never get to know if she’d rather know or not, even if she didn’t feel the same.

Enid.

How were you going to explain this to her? The person she deemed her best friend, the girl she risked her own life to save last her, her roommate, was now dead. Someone so special in life and to Enid’s heart was no longer going to be around to threaten people and stun strangers and make their classmates laugh.

The girl you loved was gone.

“Oh, cara mia, it was all just a playful ruse.”

You jerked away from that metallic voice grazing your skin and kissing your ears. The rare tone of voice that was either used when speaking about a devious plan or talking to Uncle Fester or Enid. It was smooth and warm with a slight rasp tickling it, but still even and steady like her daily, monotone voice.

When you jerked away, you were met with a smile gracing the lips of the girl you had thought was dead. For a full sixty seconds, you were sure that Wednesday had been possessed because Wednesday Addams did not smile. But then you remembered her smirk at Outreach Day when her and Thing had successfully ruined the event, and you remembered the very few times she had snuck a smile here and there.

You could hear Enid’s voice in your head screeching how Wednesday looked at her with the goth’s own version of heart eyes. And you remembered how Wednesday would escort you to class and offer to hold your books, how she’d sit with you at lunch and didn’t threaten you like the others. How angry she got whenever you were careless and your safety was at risk.

That smile was innocent and it was infectious. A one-hundred-percent, bonafide Wednesday Addams smile.

Her hand cupping your cheek startled you from the reverie you had been induced in. The subtle shutter had that small smile widening and a warmth flooding her eyes. You always found the girl to be so beautiful that there were no words to adequately describe her, but this smile and the heat in her eyes was something even more remarkable.

She ran her thumb along your cheekbone and smirked as you leaned against her delicate touch.

“Y/N, my heart beats when your heart beats, and I suffer when you suffer. Which is not as fun as I expected suffering to be. As long as the earth rotates, that will never change. My fealty belongs to you and my heart will never forget the kiss your presence has left on it.”

Even if you had ever fancied the thought of Enid being right, you never in a million years expected Wednesday to say that as her love confession. And definitely not with that smile that kept trying to pull up further! You jerked your head down and counted your fingers and were left stunned to count ten. So you weren’t dreaming.

Your heart was thudding harder against your ribcage from that declaration of love than it had been when you thought Wednesday was dead.

Dead. Right. This whole sweet and enchanting confession was only given after she had faked her death. She pretended to die for what exactly, your reaction? If you hadn’t reacted appropriately would she have left you to believe she was dead? Or would she have woken up and left unimpressed?

As relieved as you were that she was alive and you got to do the next thing, you were pissed at her.

You smacked her - hard - on the bicep and glared at her. “Wednesday Friday Addams!”

“I’m assuming this is in response to my flawless scene I had enacted of demons possessing my body and effectively murdering me.”

“Yes! This is in response to…all of that!”

Your response only made her grin bigger. You guessed that it was only satisfying Wednesday’s knowledge of you reciprocating her undying love. As aggravating as it was, it was what made Wednesday Wednesday and you loved her more than breathing.

Sighing, you cupped her face and rubbed your thumb against the red stain on her face. “I’m assuming this is pig’s blood.”

She gave a single nod of her head, her eyes doing all of the smiling for her. “My smart girl.”

There weren’t any powers in the world that could have prevented you from shuddering at that compliment.

Wednesday’s smile morphed into something wicked, very on par for her, and she began to lean in.

“Darling, as much as I love that devious brain of yours,” she smiled brightly, loving the adjective. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again.”

She gave a solemn nod of her head. “Allow me to make it up to you, cara mia.”

And with that, you finally let your love kiss you.

[bonesbonesbones69]

A HARROW THE NINTH FANMIX

I know I’ve put out a number of fan mixes at this point but this is my favorite one.

Track list:

New York (St. Vincent)

Moderation (Florence + The Machine)

Heavy Cross (Gossip)

How To Be Eaten By A Woman (The Glitch Mob)

Ballad of the Thin Man (Bob Dylan)

Spent Gladiator 2 (The Mountain Goats)

Foreign Object (The Mountain Goats)

Drive It Like You Stole It (Glitch Mob)

Cosmic Love (Florence + The Machine)

Francesca (Hozier)

Wear Black (The Mountain Goats)

I'm about to get VERBOSE under the cut, join me if you want a deep dive on why I chose these songs. Or just listen to the playlist and draw your own conclusions :)

NEW YORK (St. Vincent)

You know how Gideon's death kind of haunts the entire 'Harrow the Ninth' narrative, because you can't stop thinking about it even though Harrow doesn't remember it and the book isn't mentioning it? But it's so present, the negative space in the story creating a very clear Gideon-shaped outline?

This song is first to set the tone for the playlist in the same way. It's a good song about grieving someone who fit with you in a way nobody else did or ever could.

It's about the bits that go:

you're the only motherfucker in the city who can handle me /can stand me /forgives me

It makes me a little crazy. Especially the forgiveness bit. Kind of brings forward the depth of what Harrow lost when Gideon died.

MODERATION (Florence and the Machine)

Like a fine wine, this song pairs excellently with thinking about harrow giving herself a lobotomy.

Want me to love you in moderation? Do I look moderate to you?

I've never heard of anyone loving someone LESS moderately than harrow when she carved up her own brain about a girl. Someone said in a tumblr post somewhere that 'most people just get breakup bangs'. YEAH THEY DO. but that's our mistake for thinking harrow was going to do anything other than the most insane possible thing.

This song is ominous and heavy, evokes religion and fear, the concept of love used as a threat.

It's perfect.

Actually let's talk real quick about the religion part. This isn't going to be hugely cohesive but it's important to me and I think you'll get what I'm going for:

The lines:

Bow your head in the house of God Little girl, who do you think you are

Can be read like the narrative voice is taking on the persona of God, loving in the powerful and unknowable way God might love. Loving in a way you have no say over. Interpreting Harrow's actions with this lens is like a fucked up mirror, consider: Gideon spent her childhood beaten down by a heavily religious society, the figurehead of which was Harrow herself, beating Gideon down sometimes literally but more importantly, figuratively. Now Harrow continues the role of religiously executing power over Gideon's experience, this time with absolutely ferocious love.

Also LAST THING I PROMISE but there's a quiet vein of self-hatred in this song, lurking just behind all of it. A real judgement of the self for having this power and impulse.

So it's perfect.

HEAVY CROSS (Gossip)

Actually you know what lets have MORE songs about harrow's lobotomy. It's a rich vein.

Most of the songs on this playlist make me a little crazy, and this is absolutely one of them. The manic, dangerous, committed tone (and religious undertones) continues from moderation to heavy cross - but what heavy cross brings to the table is the CHOICE.

We can play it safe, or play it cool Follow the leader or make up all the rules Whatever you want, the choice is yours So choose I checked you If it's already been done, undo it

THE CHOICE

And also, oh my god, "it's already been done, undo it". This song made the cut just for that line, and over time I just liked it more and more on here.

I'm skipping over saying a lot of the obvious stuff as I talk about these songs - assuming you're already connecting "whatever you want, the choice is yours, so choose" to harrow making the choice to stop the lyctoral process. And choosing to undo what's already been done. Right? Are we both there already? Cool just making sure.

HOW TO BE EATEN BY A WOMAN (The Glitch Mob)

I'm not done with songs about harrow's lobotomy yet. But this one's a little about Gideon

Ok also I feel the need to say - YES I did put a six minute electronic instrumental in a fanmix, but give it a chance!! It's evocative.

I went to the glitch mob specifically when I was putting this playlist together because I wanted music that felt confusing and dark and bad (the good kind of bad, in the way music can be). Something to mirror the way it felt to read harrow the ninth.

And then I saw there was a song titled 'how to be eaten by a woman' and I added it to the playlist without even listening to it first. And then I listened to it 50 times and now it's going to be on my Spotify top 100 I just know it.

Anyways this one stayed in the playlist as an homage to the confusing and inarticulate things that happened to Gideon and Harrow, as Gideon both was and was not quite eaten by a woman.

BALLAD OF A THIN MAN (Bob Dylan)

Ballad of a thin man is my all time favorite Bob Dylan song and it is exactly the same amount of stupidly ominously confusing as the events of harrow the ninth.

Now could I go on and on about this song?

Yes, and I will.

I’ve never found a source concretely sharing what the fuck this song is actually about. To me, it’s about being confused, outside, and alone. To Wikipedia and opinionated blogs it’s about the mainstream man encountering counter-culture, maybe queer culture. Sometimes theorists think it's about sex but there's not really enough evidence to say concretely.

In the context of this fanmix it’s about not knowing what the fuck is going on because you forgot you gave yourself a lobotomy.

Also frankly sometimes the way this whole series is written feels like one of the interactions described in this song:

You raise up your head and you ask, ‘is this where it is?’ And somebody points to you and says, ‘it’s his.’ And you say, ‘what’s mine?’ And somebody else says, ‘well, what is?’ And you say ‘oh my god, am I here all alone?’

I mean what the fuck is that about??

Like you're trying to have a conversation, but the person you're talking to is clearly having a completely different conversation and is not interested in explaining themselves one bit. Which is something that's happened many times in Harrow the Ninth.

And I mean - the REFRAIN -

You know something's happening here But you don't know what it is Do you, Mr. Jones.

I love that the song speaks directly at Mr. Jones, that he's a specifically named man rather than a general figure.

It makes the tone of the song so cruel and damning - you, Mr. Jones, are dumb as fuck and alone. You think you're smart, you're used to being smart and knowing what's happening, but you don't anymore. You're a lost idiot now. And nobody is going to help you.

Harrow is Mr. Jones that's what I'm saying. Do you get it. Do you agree. She's Mr. Jones.

SPENT GLADIATOR 2 (The Mountain Goats)

This is the title track because nothing else sums up the wretchedness of harrows existence on the mithraeum like this does:

Stay in the game. Just try to play through the pain Like a fighter who’s been told it’s finally time for him to quit Show up in shining colors and then stand there and get hit

I barely know what else to say about it.

The next song in this playlist is also a mountain goats song. As a best practice I think it’s a little gauche to put two songs by one artist back to back on a playlist, but these two absolutely HAVE to be back to back.

The reason is the joy I feel coming out of this song, and hearing the first couple notes of the next song, and thinking… yeah, it’s time to go fucking crazy.

FOREIGN OBJECT (The Mountain Goats)

This one is about the time harrow stabs someone in the eye with a foreign object

I personally will stab you in the eye with a foreign object

It's about harrow jamming her own teeth into the saint of duty's eyes, and also about the soup thing. This song is about being backed into a corner and fighting desperately with unexpected weapons.

Fun fact, the song itself was written explicitly about wrestling - which means that the term 'foreign object' should be translated in the wrestling context, meaning an object from outside of the ring. For example, a classic folding chair. So, considering this, we must admit that harrow doesn't actually literally use a foreign object. She uses her own teeth and bone marrow. Her objects are downright domestic.

But I think we can all agree she's got the spirit.

DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT (The Glitch Mob)

OK OK I PUT A SECOND SIX MINUTE LONG ELECTRONIC INSTRUMENTAL ON THE FANMIX!!!! BUT -

really there's so much general bad feeling happening in harrow the ninth that having chaotic instrumentals feels like the only way to even START to capture it.

So here's a song about Gideon waking up in Harrow's body and trying to figure out that weird and upsetting event while also fighting some fucked up bees and learning some weird stuff about her parents and also dying like at least 4 times while all this was happening.

COSMIC LOVE (Florence and the Machine)

I like my playlists to be a bit chronological - it's an urge I can never quite thwart, I love to mirror a narrative. So all the songs about Gideon are at the end of the playlist, when she shows up. Man, we all missed her. I missed her. Didn't you miss her??

The stars, the moon they have all been blown out you left me in the dark

I don't have that much to say about this one, I find it incredibly self-evident. I'll make up for how fucking long-winded I was about 'Moderation' and 'Ballad of a Thin Man' by cutting this short.

FRANCESCA (Hozier)

Some of these songs are so exactly what I want on this playlist that I actually have LESS to say about them, because I think you can interpret the same things I'm interpreting just by listening to the song.

So listen to the song and then lets be insane about it together!!

This is about Gideon's sacrifice, and Harrow's rejection of that sacrifice. And Gideon's butthurt feelings about that.

My life was a storm, since I was born How could I fear any hurricane? If someone asked me at the end I'd tell them put me back in it (Darling) I would do it again.

I mean

"I gave you my sword. I gave you myself. I did it while knowing I'd do it all again, without hesitation, because all I ever wanted you to do was eat me."

Are you insane about it yet? I'm insane about it.

WEAR BLACK (The Mountain Goats)

The playlist is coming to an end.

Let's let ourselves be gently outro'd by the soft waves of John Darnielle sharing with us what it means to carry mourning with you throughout your life.

Wear black wherever I go Wear black wherever you are

[lackadaisy-headcanon-supply-unit]

I'm so glad I found your account! You guys are very talented <33

I know canonically Mortdecai isn't, uh, amazing with kids but what if a Marigold members daughter started hanging around the building (like Ivy did when she was younger) and she reminded Mortdecai of one of his sisters (Esthers moodiness or Roses cheeriness)? I'd love some headcanons about the scenario^^

I wasn't going to write this until later but I absolutely had to jump ahead of schedule and write this because it nagged at my mind almost all week. You even started an AU for the other mods and I, anon. This little idea is so tasty and adfghfgferhrj

You are the biggest brain and I hope you don't mind that me and Iphiko (and maybe even Rory!) had a little taste of this drink ourselves first. Different bottle, don't worry, we haven't touched any of what's in your hand right now

Also thank you so much for your kind words! I'm really glad you guys are enjoying these things (as if the inbox flooding wasn't proof enough), it makes us Lackadaisy Moonshiners so happy and gives me an excuse to keep writing. You're all awesome!

At first, it almost stings. He still remembers Ivy, after all; her wandering around following Viktor or whoever caught her eye whenever she could. It was cute. Adorable, even.

But Mordecai seems to be the target of this little beast's attention. And no amount of waving her off, gently pushing her away with his foot or annoyed threats will get her to pick someone else.

The Savoys are enamored with the little bugger. Serafine started calling her "Bébé Couteau" (Baby Knife) after being allowed to teach her some knife tricks (why Asa let them put a knife in the hands of a kitten, Mordecai will never know) and Nico picked up the habit of startling the little girl by picking her up and spinning with her...Which slowly evolved into throwing her across the bloody bar into Serafine's arms after an accident that resulted in the kitten getting yeeted by a distracted Nico (apparently she loved it (and to Serafine's credit, she ran like Hell to catch her); so it's not exactly safe but it's okay??)

Several speakeasy attendees mistake her to be Mordecai's kitten since she's always hanging around him (and especially so if she's a Tuxedo cat). It probably doesn't help that he loudly objects to the twins throwing the kitten back and forth like a football and has even ripped her out of their arms once or twice

They also (correctly) assume that he calls the shots when it comes to her. If she's making trouble or is heading somewhere that she shouldn't be, someone has to work up the courage to tell that ferocious shadow of Asa's. It's him, the queen cat that looks like she's constantly considering stabbing you or the heartthrob at the bar vicious son of a bitch who always looks like he knows that he's better than you

It's an unspoken rule between the three that Mordecai's word is law when it comes to the kitten. He hates this and is sure that they just use this as another excuse to tease him.

Asa scares the Hell out of the poor little thing. He tried greeting her once and she burst into tears and ran to Mordecai so he could protect her. The twins thought this was hysterical: the kitten adores the ground Mordecai walks on, laughs at Serafine's threats and thinks Nico throwing her at a soft target as hard as he can is the bee's knees; but Asa Sweet-the big fat cat with the softest features out of all of them-scares the living daylights out of her.

Mordecai thinks the kitten has a good judge of character sometimes. If it wasn't for her love of the chaotic duo he'd say that out loud

They brought the kitten along to a "meeting" once when she were sick with a fever. She cried when Mordecai left the car and Serafine refused to leave until she was comforted or at least sleeping, so (after some arguing and sweet-talking) Mordecai went back for her. When he didn't leave the vehicle for a few minutes, the Savoys went on without him.

They came back to find him reading a book, the kitten snuggled up against his side and sound asleep tucked under his coat and arm. The soft look in Morde's eye told Nico that maybe this wasn't the time to be teasing him.

This didn't stop Serafine. Mordecai hasn't heard the end of that event. (Asa also gave him some Hell for leaving the twins to do the dirty work, but Serafine and Nico shut him down pretty quickly-they found whatever crate he wanted, no witnesses are around to tell the tale, the job was done just fine and the kitten needed him more than they did. Shut up, Mr. Sweet.)

Whoever's daughter the kitten is, they'd better learn to deal with Mordecai becoming her guardian angel of death. If she doesn't have a parent and just wandered in somehow, she's gonna end up with something better: an aunt that'll teach her to kill and how to stay strong, an uncle that'll toss her around like a hot potato and teach her to be fearless and another uncle that'll pretend to not care for her until someone looks at her the wrong way.

Mordecai, Serafine and Nico. Probably the worst-fitting cats to be any kind of parental figures, yet ones that will guard a mutually-adopted kitten until their final breaths-whether they'll admit to it or not.

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #17 – Terra Incognita by Connie Willis

Connie Willis is a name I have heard come up a lot with regard to late 20th century American Science Fiction, but in a slightly odd way. The only thing she’s actually written that I’ve ever heard of is To Say Nothing of the Dog (a delightful-sounding book that tragically has a multimonth hold list at my library). Instead, I mostly know her from other books’ acknowledgement sections, or semi-mythologized folklore and anecdotes about the culture and community of the era. So I really picked this up as a matter of curiosity, to get a sense of what Willis’ whole deal is.

The book is a collection of three novellas, each basically totally unrelated with only the faintest attempt at a unifying theme to justify bundling the three of them together. Each work is pretty different from the others in everything from length (the longest is something like 3x the length of the shortest), tone, setting and subject matter, the works really. The first is a sort of romcom farce about surveyors charting an alien world that has, well, aged. The second and longest a love letter to classic classic hollywood and movie musicals as told from the POV of a self-hating drunk who pays the bills going through and retroactively editing the studio’s back catalogue to meet the whims of the executive of the day. The third and by far shortest is a lighthearted and very fannish comedy about a teenager getting conscripted to be a space cadet against her own ferocious objections.

The stories are all perfectly modern in, like, structure and pacing, but they still absolutely feel like they were written last century. Part of that is just word choice (the only thing that ages worse than old euphemisms for sex is old attempts to create futuristic slang), but it’s also just a general sensibility. Which is most cringe-inducing in the first story, both for its portrayal of the native species of the planet being surveyed (directly compared to native americans a few different times, characterized as relentlessly opportunistic penny-wise but pound-foolish hucksters leaping at the chance to sell their land for cheap imported consumer goods), and also just for a handling of gender and sexuality it’d take more time than I’ve got to really dig into. (I have a sense of where all those tomboy versus girly girl memes ultimately descend from now, though.) The other two more just felt out of time than actually wince-inducing, with the third story especially feeling like an affectionate nod to the fan culture of a different era. That said, the second one’s whole horrified preoccupation with a Hollywood that refuses to make anything new instead of just remaking the same sure things from its back catalog forevermore either never stopped or has looped back around to feeling real topical.

Insofar as I’m already reading romances, I admit I do have a real soft spot for the whole ‘idiots compensate for total refusal to communicate feelings with grand romantic gestures and hoping the object of their desires will get the idea. It doesn’t work.’ thing that’s a bit of a recurring beat in two of the novellas though.

Prose and characterization wise, all three were pretty well done – though riffing off tropes and archetypes that I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve seen played sincerely and unironically, which did always leave me feeling I was missing context on how to read them. Which is pretty much what I was hoping for going in, to be clear – what’s the point of reading older stories, otherwise? Which is nice, because the actual reading experience of going through it was a bit of a slog. The first one was the real trial, but just overall I’d say the book’s more interesting as a cultural artifact than an artistic work. Oh well, c’est la vie.

[kteezy997]

6 Months-Part Two// t.c.

Warnings: coming off of a sedative, cursing, abduction, very very brief mention of violence and rape (not by Timothee!)

Mature 18+ readers only please!

A/N: It’s a bit long, so grab a snack or something while you read haha

The last thing Cameron could remember was walking down an alley, and she was faced with some stranger. That was it.

Now, she woke from a deep sleep in some strange room. It sunk in that she had been abducted, and she was nearly crippled with fear. She ached with anxiety. Who had taken her? What did they want?

Eventually, she was able to get up from the bed. She steadied herself on her feet. Her vision was almost totally blurred. She blinked over and over to try and see clearly. The room was rather large, with minimal, yet still inviting decor. She found the door and pounded on it ferociously with her fists.

Not long after she first hit the bedroom door, she saw footsteps in the crack of light underneath the door. Next, she heard keys being inserted and turning in the lock. She waited for the footsteps to go back the way they came, and then she cautiously opened the door.

It dawned on her that this house was enormous. She worried that she would get lost, but then again, she had no idea where she was, or where she was going. She ended up in a room with nice furniture and a grand fireplace. The warmth from the flames met her skin, and for a second, she felt a bit of comfort.

She looked up and stopped in her tracks at the sight of a movie poster framed on the wall. It was of the film Dune.

........

Timothee put Cameron in a chair nearby in the den. She had fainted.

She woke a few minutes later. She sunk back into the chair, trying to get as far from him as she could. "What the fuck is this? Why am I here?"

"You are not in any danger, okay? I need you to believe that. I do not wish to harm you. Please just let me explain things to you."

"Get to it, asshole." she said, trembling with anger.

Timothee stood up, taking a few steps, choosing his words precisely in his head before stopping in front of the bright, crackling fireplace.

"This past year has been mentally tormenting for me. I had a failed work venture, and worse, I lost my grandmother, who I loved more than anything in the world. Everything was just piling on top of one another, and I felt like a fucking ghost floating through my life." He inhaled sharply before his next statement, "But then I saw you. It was love at first sight. It was something I had never experienced before."

"I found out who you were," he continued, "and I read your books. I fell in love with the way your mind works, Cameron. You brought me back to life. And I don't want that to go away, ever. I needed to find a way to make you mine."

Cameron sat silently in the chair, listening to him, but not growing sympathetic in the slightest. "I'm not an object. You cannot own me. You think that just because you're some hot shit little actor with millions that you can kidnap me and then I'm all yours? No fucking way, you bastard." She spit venom with every syllable.

Timothee took note of her fierceness but was not yet deterred. "I didn't think that. Which is why I'm giving you the chance to fall in love with me. I won't force it. I want you to come to me on your own, because you want to."

"But I have my own life! My boyfriend will be looking for me, I have family and friends, I have a job! You can't do this; I don't need love from you."

"Hm," Timothee took his phone out of his pocket and after a few seconds, he showed the screen to Cameron. There were explicit photos of her boyfriend with other women. "He doesn't deserve you." he said plainly.

Tears rolled down Cameron's face. She didn't even realize she was crying. It was devasting knowing that her boyfriend had been cheating on her. But the more intense feeling was the hatred she had for the man in front of her. "Fuck off." she said, before launching out of the chair and running.

Timothee took off right after her, catching her in his arms, he said, "Cameron, I won't hurt you. I won't do anything without your permission. Not until you want me." He held her firmly as she struggled with him. "I'll do anything to make you fall in love with me."

He put his hand on her face, making her look at him. "You have six months. If you don't love me by then, I will let you go."

“Fuck you!” she grumbled, running away from him again.

She made it further this time, as he was caught off guard. But his damn long legs made it easy for him to catch up and stop her.

“You should stop this.” he warned. “You don’t even know where you are. You don’t know your way around this house.” He put her up against the wall, holding her there and string dead into her fiery eyes. “I swear on my grandmother that you are more than safe. You will be taken care of.”

“My family will be looking for me.” she huffed.

“We got your phone, we let everyone close to you know that you’ve accepted a job offer in L.A., a six-month trial. You will get your phone and laptop back when the time is right.”

Cameron pushed him away, “Who is we?”

“I have people.” Timothée said.

“Mr. Chalamet, your meeting is in just a few minutes.”

They both looked over at the woman who entered the room without either of them knowing.

"Cam, this is my assistant. She will be here to help you if you need anything." Timothee said.

She was quick to speak back, "It's Cameron, I'm not a five-year-old, do not call me Cam."

Timothee grinned at Cameron, then looked at his assistant, "Take her back to her room. She needs some more rest."

Timothee departed, and the assistant said, "Okay, let's go, Miss Reese."

Cameron rolled her eyes, turning and walking in the direction in which she was being led. "You're a woman helping a man imprison another woman. How could you do that? Especially in this day and age?"

"Oh, I wouldn't think of it like a prison at all. Mr. Chalamet isn't a violent or malicious person. He has admired you for quite some time now." she stopped in front of a door, "He's a good person, you'll see." She then opened the door, letting Cameron in.

"This is such bullshit." she spat as she walked in.

"Get some rest. Breakfast will be served in the morning. He wishes for you to join him then.”

Cameron rolled her eyes at the idea of sitting down for a meal with Timothee.

......

It was mostly a sleepless night, but she managed to get a couple of hours of rest. The room was somewhat cozy and the bed was king sized and soft with a thick comforter, so it wasn't totally unpleasant.

When she opened her eyes, there he was. Timothee was sitting in a chair just a few feet from the bed, with his eyes on her. "Jesus, you creep!" she yelled at him, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "How long have you been watching me sleep?"

"Oh, not long, like five minutes.” Timothée was evidently nervous, being with her in person was surreal after admiring her from afar for so long. “Sorry, I didn't want to scare you. I just wanted you to have your clothes and stuff, so I had them brought in. Breakfast is almost ready." he stood from the chair, "You'll smell the food, so you won't have trouble finding the kitchen, the dining room is nearby there." Timothee brushed his hands on his jeans awkwardly before nodding at her and leaving the room.

Cameron looked down at the floor, seeing a few boxes and recognizing her belongings. She figured it was of no use to protest, her family had been told some lie and she had no way of contacting anyone. She was hungry anyway. She got out of bed, picked out some clothes for the day, and got out some toiletry items to freshen up with.

Timothee was right about the food, the way it used her senses, specifically her nose of course, to rope her in the direction of the kitchen. It smelled divine.

"Oh, good morning, Miss Reese. You look nice, I'm sure it was a relief to have some of your own things?" a middle-aged woman greeted her when she arrived in the kitchen. She looked like someone's sweet granny.

"Yeah, it was. Um, who are you?"

"Forgive me for not introducing myself, dear, I'm Mrs. Davis. I'm a housekeeper-slash-chef-slash whatever I'm needed to be. I just fill in wherever needed." the older woman had a little laugh and Cameron smiled kindly. "I'll show you to the dining room. Mr. Chalamet is already in there."

Cameron followed Mrs. Davis, and was met with a full, colorful breakfast spread: eggs, bacon, biscuits, waffles, orange juice, coffee; so much food that she didn't know where to put her eyes. It felt like forever since she'd had something to eat. She was so hungry that she had to stop herself from actually salivating. Then she saw him at the end of the table.

Timothee stood when he saw her walk in. He walked down to the other end of the table and pulled out the chair for her to sit. "Please have a seat." he said, his voice was soft and welcoming.

Cameron sat in the chair, not quite fazed by his gentlemanliness. She grabbed the seat, scooting the chair in for herself. She didn't want his help. She made that clear to him.

Mrs. Davis left the room and Timothee resumed his position at the opposite end of the table. "I hope you were able to get some rest. You look-"

"So, I guess you're acting as if you're me texting all of my loved ones that everything is fine. Are they asking any questions? Are they worried about me?" she asked as she took it upon herself to start spooning some food onto her plate.

Timothee cleared his throat, "Uh, yeah I've got people working on that. Some of your friends and family congratulated you on the new job and wished you safe travels."

"You have people for everything." she pointed out in annoyance and took a bite of scrambled egg.

"That comes with having some money to hire a staff in your home."

"Too bad money didn't buy your happiness, Mr. Chalamet." she said in a snarky tone. "Then I wouldn't be here."

He chuckled humorlessly at her remark, "Well, speaking of buying things, I'd like to take you out shopping, so you can complete your wardrobe for your stay here, if you like."

"You make it sound like it's my choice."

"I don't wish to control you, Cam."

"That's not my name." she snapped, cutting him off.

He ignored her comment, continuing, "But I think for your sake, you could maybe think of this as an adventure. The more that I begin to trust you, God willing, you will get your devices back. I want you to enjoy yourself here. Maybe you could even write, I hope you find some inspiration while you're here. Sorry, I'm rambling, I know. I-uh find it hard to control myself around you."

"Are you trying to justify your actions?"

"No." he said, genuinely.

"I really hate people like you, ya know? People that think the world owes them something instead of accepting that life is a little tough sometimes-"

"I know that what I've done is wrong!" Timothee screamed.

Cameron was taken aback and silenced. It was a shock to hear him yell.

"I'm sorry." he said softly, composing himself.

She could tell then how troubled he was on the inside, it was written all over his sullen face. She could practically feel the tenseness from across the room as she noticed that his hands were balled into fists.

"I will take care of you. You have free roam of the mansion. I will have guards at every exit until I know that I can trust you. The staff and I will accommodate any want or need that you have."

Cameron remained quiet, fully listening to him. She began to think that at least she wasn't chained in a dark, cold room with no food or water. She wasn't being beaten or raped. This situation definitely was not ideal, but she realized that she had been brought into a life of luxury.

"Please, Cameron, just give me a chance. I ask nothing else of you."

@gatoenlaciudad @thebetawolfgirl @musicandbooksaremyhappyplace @softhecreator @tchalamss

@chalametbich

[kybelles]

hi love! I'm feeling devious so for the choose violence asks, 24 and 25

HIII BABY 💞💞 i sincerely hope you don’t mind me answering everything via your ask 🥹 i just didn’t want to spam the tl with my non-stop posting!

1.the character everyone gets wrong

JOKASTE!!! 😩 sooo many times in fan creations she’s a mustache twirling villain and look i get it! she needs to go in order to lamen to be together but i don’t know why each time she needs to cheat on damen…. people can break up for other reasons yk…..

i feel like people don’t really get how much jokaste holds damen in such a high regard. the first time she talked to laurent she was full of praises for damen and yes although the majority of the reason was to taunt laurent, it was too heartfelt to be faked entirely. i find her a quite tragic character honestly. in another world she would be proud and happy to be to be damen’s queen 🙁 i wish more ppl cared about her OR stop portraying her as this cold unfeeling girlboss who was sooo sick of damen’s bs that she punished him by gleefully fucking kastor….. i really really don’t think that’s who she is. she loved damen in her own way. she was also a sentimental woman. (her last letter to damen will never make me not emotional….)

3.screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

SCREENSHOT OMG hats off to any brave soul who actually posts it….. also the collection on bad takes is so rich idk what to choose… ok i got one: so i genuinely don’t remember the details but a few years ago there was a post circulating about how laurent was actually Good All Along (yes even in book one where he drugged damen and then threw him into a rape ring and also had him whipped after intentionally setting him up 🙂 ) and it had so many likes…. i’ll never ever understand the need to whitewash book 1 laurent’s actions. like why do you even stan a controversial character if you don’t like his controversial aspects…. i really believe this is quite the disservice to such a multidimsensional character like laurent. :/

7.what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them?

hmm i wouldn’t say hate but some posts i read about auguste made me sorta dislike him  😬 idk when and where i read it but there was one post in particular that said they wish auguste would come back to life and beat the shit out of damen and i was like WOAHHH??? you want the mc (who you spent three books with) to be beaten brutally by some canon fodder?? for what crime???  i was honestly weirded out.

there’s also the fact that i genuinely HATE l*uguste (despite not being an anti shipper in general or anything! this ship just rubs me the worst way bc laurent experienced so much trauma from the way ppl made up incest rumors about him and auguste) so any interpretation (even if they aren’t written as a romantic pair intentionally) where auguste and laurent have this unhealthy codependent bond with auguste acting like a ferocious caveman to any potential romantic suitor of laurent and laurent being all meek and allowing this treatment is a big no for me. ✋ so yes even tho i don’t hate auggie boy i can’t say i care a great deal about him. sorry baby i’m sure you are just dandy.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that damen is an unreliable narrator 😩i talked about it in my previous post!

12.the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

EGERIA THE MF QUEEN OF AKIELOS 🗣️🗣️ i actually like every member of the akielos trio (theomedes-hypermenestra-egeria) sm because their situation reminds me of turkish harem dramas. 🤭 the lack of canon information about them allows me to make various hcs and backstories and idk i just think it’s fun!

13.worst blorboficiation

JFC i’m SOOOO old i’m ANCIENT bc i have no idea what this means….. i’d be happy to answer it if you give me some clarification (hiding my face in shame)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

oh luckily i already answered it here!

17.there should be more of this type of fic/art

I’m always a huge advocate for bottomianos even though i myself shamefully haven’t made a contribution 💔 as for art i’m beyond grateful for our wonderful artists and i humbly would like to see more of the old gang! (theo, egeria, aleron, hennike etc.)

21.part of canon you think is overhyped

hmm i unfortunately can’t think of an answer for this one, i’m sorry!

24.topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

OH DEAR… so one of the first times i actively participated in the fandom i made a post about how frustrating it was to see theomedes portrayed as an absent father despite the glaring lack of canon evidence while aleron got off the hook much easier despite laurent actually confirming he was an absentee and said i think it was about the way people perceive them (theomedes=brown and toxic, aleron=white and tastefully distant) anyways, some user whom i never talked to before (and they’re still blocked to this day despite the fact i pretty much never block anyone here) said i was “making it up” and right after i blocked them after they continued talking to me in a very rude manner some asks ✨mysteriously✨ appeared in my inbox and the person who sent them called me an “illiterature white bitch” who made up nonexistent drama…….. so yes i guess the colorism issue really ruffles some people’s feathers :) i wonder why :) 

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

“why didn’t damen figure out the regent’s abuse of laurent sooner is he stupid” setting aside the 574619 different pacat interviews where she talks about how damen needed to be oblivious bc otherwise laurent would never open up to him, why is it so wild to think damen wouldn’t assume the regent would do something like that to his own nephew? as if the entire canon events didn’t happen bc damen believed families would never hurt each other…. just wow

[ravencromwell]

Finally decided to indulge in the Siuan/Moiraine meta I've been wanting to write for ages now, musing on the differences in psychology ensuing from their significantly different arcs within the book and show and why Siuan's actions at season 2's apex are entirely in psychological sync with her show portrayal, even if they swerve wildly from the books.

Let's start with some Siuan back-story context. In the books, Tear was undeniably an unfriendly city for those with the One Power. But that translated, in practical terms, to Aes Sedai keeping their stays there brief, and girls who could touch The Source being quickly bustled off to the Tower. There were no Aes Sedai advisers, as in other kingdoms etc., but neither was there the virulent hostility of the show.

Siuan left Tear quickly in the books—the first day she was discovered to have the Power, but only because a sister was traveling through and didn't wish to delay returning to The Tower for such pesky things as sentimental goodbyes. Was that harsh? Absolutely. But the world of the books is exceedingly harsh in some respects, giving girls little to no choice about becoming Sisters, should they be discovered harboring abilities. (Much of Nynaeve's back-story involved hiding her powers precisely because she didn't fancy being ripped from The Two Rivers.)

Siuan faces a much different harshness in the show. The show doesn't do a great job explaining this, but The Dragon's Fang, which is etched onto Siuan's door before her house is unceremoniously torched, is a sign of immense contempt for Dark Friends. Within show Tear, a wary mistrust of Aes Sedai has curdled into something much more dangerous. All use of The Power is suspect, because if men's half was tainted, there's nothing to say women won't go suddenly mad, too.

It's worth remembering as well here that book Siuan was roughly fifteen when she went to The Tower. Now, I'm totally blind, and audio description doesn't give me an age for tiny show-Siuan, but if she's anywhere near puberty, I'll eat my metaphorical hat. And instead of being shepherded to The Tower, she had to flee for her life.

In her family's only means of support, I might ad. Book Siuan was by no means well-to-do, but she was firmly in the middling ranks of the working poor. Show Siuan's family are on the fucking destitution brink y'all. And she took her father's livelihood. Dying destitute ain’t fuckin pretty.

Siuan is not a stupid kid, and she clearly adores the shit out of her papa. The first thing that little girl did the millisecond she got any privileges? Wrote to her papa.

And more than likely, Berden never wrote back. It wouldn't take her long to figure out what'd happened. Moiraine is at great pains to tell Alana Jenny was not "her" support dog, and we laugh it off as oh, look at Moiraine being all adorably prim. Which in one sense, it totally is. But I'd almost guarantee you there's a deeper layer there: it wasn't "hers"; it was "theirs" because once Siuan found out her beloved papa was dead, they both needed something to cuddle.

This may seem like somewhat of a digression, but I'm maundering on because in the books yes, Dark Friends are evil. But they're evil because they caused a terrible cataclysm many thousands of years ago that killed lots of people, and they wanna do it again. There's no personal skin in the game for our beloved ladies, except they get thrust into the job through a convergence of some very complicated circumstances—I'd recommend any show-only watchers read "New Spring" because while I love almost all the changes the show has made ferociously, the way Siuan and Moiraine undertake the search is vastly more plausible as presented by Jordan there.

For Siuan in the show, by contrast, Dark Friend has _very personal ramifications. Dark Friends caused the corrosive mistrust that got her papa _killed! And Moiraine, better than _anyone, knows how that broke her.

And she _knows full well she could be deposed simply for having a relationship with Moiraine. The sensible thing to keep all the awful people from committing terrible crimes that will reverberate down the centuries to impact a little girl just as she was impacted would be to keep both their noses clean. And yet, she loves Moiraine so much that she'll take that risk to maintain not only an alliance about Rand, but a romantic relationship which could, realistically, be discovered much more easily.

And now, Moiraine, the woman who parroted back her beloved father's words of farewell about how Siuan was as clever as a pike and strong as the tides seemingly willfully lied; seemingly became a _Dark _Friend. Even her admonition that Lanfear is "too strong" must bring up so many awful questions: just how long have they been working together for her to know that? Because from Siuan's perspective, what it looks like is Lanfear coming in, guns blazing, to save her accomplice, Moiraine.

When Siuan says that there are rules and they have to abide by them, it's reflecting profoundly deep fears—not only about what Rand could do, but the kind of hatred toward those with The Power it could foster. For twenty years, she's put those fears aside. And now it appears that her going against Tower Law has lost her Moiraine to the Forsaken, and made terrible outcomes nigh on inevitable. And people are really confused about why she looks beaten?

Hell, from her perspective, forget Lanfear's entrance. The very fact Moiraine seemingly lied to her and is now talking about love must seem such a cruel mockery: laughing at Siuan's weakness; just as, perhaps, she was laughing at her with that parting comment in The Tower: an Amyrlin Seat still so swayed by what her papa told her so many years ago. (Yeah, we know it was as close as she could come to an I love you, but how the hell is Siuan supposed to know that, given everything?) This was not willful emotional abuse on someone she knew to be acting in good faith, but a reaction to the person she loved enough to risk the fucking Amyrlin Seat for becoming a monster!

Do I wish they'd picked _any other direction for their relationship? Yes, yes I damn well do. There was plenty to play with for angst factor by having the coup go down as it does in the books: Moiraine not being there to save her when all Siuan wanted was more time together, for one thing. Moiraine needlessly obfuscating in front of Siuan and  the other Sisters in S1, when Leandrin already knew! about the Two Rivers folk. Thinking she was being canny, when all she did was get herself pointlessly exiled so she couldn't protect Siuan? Quite enough of an angst sandwich, thanks ever so, without this new development. But! if they were going to include this, Siuan reacted precisely as I would expect her to, given the context I've outlined above, not in some madly ooc fashion worthy of the tags descending into emotional abuse discourse.

[blossom-hwa]

(IM GOING TO EAT MY TOES THIS IS MY THIRD ATTEMPT TO SEND AN ASK PLS DISREGARD THE FRUSTRATION)

anw 5 years of slaying and EVEN JOINING A WRITING CAMP IM SO HAPPY AND PROUD FOR YOU YOU ABSOLUTE DEVIL (teary-eyed emoji but the one with a fond smile) !!!!!!

i'm gonna have to ask for some skater san and writer mc shenanigans please :'))) preferably with their cat please please love u lina please never stop giving me excuses to enable you 💖

CHAIIIIIIIIII FIRST OF ALL PLEASE DON’T EAT YOUR TOES IT WILL ALL BE OKAY SKDJH BUT ALSO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS LIKE LEGITIMATELY HALF THE SHIT ON THIS BLOG WOULDN’T EXIST WITHOUT YOU BEING MY ENABLER/RUBBER-DUCK-THAT-I-SCREAM-ABOUT-IDEAS-WITH SO. I ADORE YOU I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

5 year anniversary drabble game: send me a Stray Kids/TXT/Golden Child/Ateez/The Boyz member + a prompt (check out the post for ideas) and I’ll write a drabble for you!

(not as much cat antics as I’d like in here chai I'm so sorry but it came out like this and... well. I’ll leave you to read it for yourself :D)

REQUESTS OPEN!!

~

Title: Words For You

Pairing: San x gender neutral!reader

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: n/a

~

One of San’s favorite things to do is watch you read. Not the whole time, because it can get quite boring (akin to the time he watched paint dry on a wall for over an hour), but the air seems to... shift, somehow, when you get to a climax or a twist. If he’s awake in the room, he’ll automatically turn to find you fixated on the book in your hand, eyes burning wide with a ferocious intensity that both scares him, slightly, and lures him in. 

He doesn’t interrupt you, of course. That would be signing his death warrant. But when he starts to pick up on it, he starts reading your books himself, trying to figure out what exactly has captured your attention so readily. Sometimes he finds what he’s looking for. Other times he has no idea what the fuck he’s reading. But as he flips page after page of the many volumes on your crowded bookshelves, he finds he doesn’t mind all that much. Because these books are a window, of sorts, into your beautiful mind. 

Three nights after the fight, two nights after you made up, you’re dishing up dinner in the kitchen while San sets two places at the table (”No, San, the cats don’t count as kids, you shouldn’t let them around when we eat, and you absolutely should not set places for them either -”). He helps you bring over the few plates and bowls, and when they’re safely settled on the table, you begin to eat. 

There’s silence for a while, but it’s comfortable. Unstrained, devoid of tension. San busies himself with the noodles in his bowl - he’s hungry - until he looks up to see you staring at him. 

Suddenly self-conscious, he swallows a last noodle. “Do I have something on my face?”

You shake your head. “No.”

San blinks. “Then... what?”

For a moment, uncertainty passes through your eyes. A thin line of tension threads through the silence as San waits for you to say something, anything to explain your stare and the reason you, usually so confident and bright and bold in your language, now look so unsure of your words. 

Then Trash Bag hops onto one of the unused chairs. She noses at the table, coming dangerously close to one of the dishes, and you snap out of whatever daze you were in to put her back down. When you come back up, your eyes look warm again. Certain. Or at the very least determined.

“I didn’t know you liked Anne Carson.”

Anne Carson? San furrows his eyebrows. The name sounds familiar, but he’s not quite sure where he remembers it from...

“I’ll take care of you,” you quote quietly.

Oh. Oh. 

“It’s rotten work,” he replies, just as quiet. 

Your eyes don’t leave his as you complete the line. 

“Not to me. Not if it’s you.”

He remembers, now. The translations of the Greek poems and plays that sat on your shelves, books you held with such care despite their well-worn covers, pages you marked with script-like annotations and coded with multicolored tabs. He remembers picking up If Not, Winter a month or so ago and feeling so transfixed by the softness Caron injected into Sappho’s poetry that when he was finished, he pulled Euripides from your shelf to read on the flight to his next skating competition, where he found your quote. 

The same quote he finished for you when you were a crying, laughing haze on the couch two nights ago, the quote that dispersed the smoke clouding your eyes and made you whole in his arms once more. 

“I saw you reading If Not, Winter a while back,” he admits, pushing his empty bowl away. “The title was interesting and you looked so transfixed by it that I thought I should try it. I liked it, so I read Euripides next.”

You lean forward, eyes shining. “How did you like that?”

“Not as much as Sappho,” he admits, which makes you laugh. “But one or two quotes stuck with me.”

You’re both finished eating so you push the dishes away, letting Byeol climb onto your lap. A short silence follows his words as you idly scratch between her ears. 

“I don’t care much for Greek plays,” you eventually say. “For a long time, I only liked Sappho. But one of my mentors in college recommended that I come back to them at some point and see if I could find something new.” You shrug. “And I did. I found that.”

San watches you put Byeol carefully down on the floor, then walk around the table towards him. He knows you well enough to stand, to hold open his arms just before you crash into him, your own arms wrapping around his waist. 

“Thank you,” you murmur into his shirt. “Thank you for dealing with me.”

His hand automatically finds its way to your head, patting softly as you breathe into his chest. “It’s not dealing with you,” he murmurs. “It’s loving you for your strengths and your flaws, for the human being you are to me.”

(When San’s birthday rolls around, after the requisite party where Wooyoung sets of three confetti poppers and San bemoans the mess he’ll have to clean up afterwards, you present him with a small rectangular package. 

He looks at the cheerful wrapping paper printed with smiling cats. “You already gave me a gift.” He’s wearing it now, a designer shirt he’d been eyeing for months but could never find an excuse to actually buy. 

“It’s another one.” You take a deep breath, almost like you’re nervous, but your eyes sparkle. “If anything, it’s like a gift for both you and me.”

Slowly, he unwraps the paper, taking care not to tear it as he picks apart the tape. Two books emerge from the wrappings. The top one he recognizes immediately. The cover is the same as one on your shelf, though this one looks brand new. 

Well, almost brand new. San frowns. A small pencil mark has smudged the corner of the white cover, and the pages...

San sneaks a glance at you. Well, there must be a reason you decided to gift him another copy of If Not, Winter, if you already own one. 

He leafs through the book, and immediately it becomes clear that it is not, in fact, brand new. 

Because - you’ve annotated it. Filled the margins with your crisp handwriting, underlined phrases in light pencil. Things you already loved, things you just noticed, things that reminded you of him...

He looks at the next book before he can start to cry. This is one he doesn’t recognize - Plainwater: Essays and Poetry. But he does recognize the author. 

Anne Carson. 

“I haven’t read it yet,” you say quietly. San looks up to see you holding out a second copy of the very same book. “Sappho was... it was for you. I know she loved women, but I love you, and some of the things she writes... I wanted you to know that they made me think of you.” You swallow. “But I thought we could read Plainwater together, since I haven’t read it and I don’t think you have either, and you said before you wanted to read some more so -”

San hugs you to him, cutting off your rambling speech. Your copy of Plainwater is stuck between you and his books are probably pressing into your back, but he can’t find it in him to let go.

“... San?”

This time, he can’t stop the tears. But he doesn’t try, really, just as he doesn’t try to slow the smile curving across his lips. 

“Thank you,” he whispers, feeling you finally melt into his touch. “Thank you so, so much.”)

[tealeavesandthorns]

Maria x Gareth for the ship meme!

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU… - @dontcxckitup

Who’s the cuddler?

Maria definitely. One of Maria's love languages is touch and once she's you're in her sights as a friend/romantic partner/familial relation she will absolutely cuddle.

I think it's a bit different with Maria and Gareth though because of Gareth, her touches are softer and more under the radar, she tempers her affection, changes how it comes out of her. I think it's also hard to cuddle when you're both reading but they do try. I think in bed, or on holiday is probably a big exception to this because I think they cuddle a lot in those situations. I think Maria is often the big spoon or like she holds Gareth.

Who makes the bed?

Gareth, because of the army and Maria lets him. She tried for a while but it was never quite straight enough so she decided to take care of a different chore.

Who wakes up first?

I think both of them are up early for work. On the weekends/holidays I think it depends what's gone on the night before. Maria does like a lazy lie in. So it's probably Gareth.

Who has the weird taste in music?

Maria. Though Maria says it's all relative.

Who is more protective?

They've both been through so much I think they're both protective over each other in different ways. Maria is very protective over Gareth's personal space and him looking after himself because nobody not even Gareth is otherwise.

In general though they're both protective over the other and they would absolutely fight for each other if the occasion called for it, and jump in front of bullets and all that.

Who sings in the shower?

Maria sings in general anyway so Gareth can definitely hear her singing over the radio when she's in the shower.

Who cries during movies?

Maria a thousand percent. She cries pretty easily at movies because she's got such a romantic heart.

Who spends the most while out shopping?

Both, not excessively but I imagine they both buy each other presents, probably in the form of books. I think when they go book shopping together they're incorrigible. They come back with a ridiculous pile and are going to have to enforce a rule to limit how many they're allowed to buy.

Who kisses more roughly?

Neither I think they're both passionate but it's a soft sort of passion, even if they entertain anything like tying up/being tied up it's still soft.

Who is more dominant?

I feel like this is equal, both know how to put their foot down, both know how to be stubborn and Maria will absolutely go into ferocious agent mode if it means protecting Gareth, even from himself. - If we're talking in terms of the bedroom I think it's an equal split again and I still think it's more passionate and soft than anything like.... degrading.

My rating of the ship from 1-10.

1 millllliiiiioooonnnnnnn - I just adore how this ship has evolved. It's really blossomed between them and they have so much in common but are also still different enough. They're such precious bbies and I'm so excited for some of the ideas we have to come, the angst, the love, the tears, the joy, the jealousy. All of it is just delicious.

[sayakel]

Review Corner | The Twentieth Wife

I thought based on the premise, that it would be an interesting novel to read. Harems, court politics and political intrigue have always fascinated me — I have read several light novels (say like The Apothecary Diaries) set in China and Japan to that effect where women take charge of the narrative and spin their destinies to Asian-set fantasies involving strategies and gods (such as Strike The Zither and Daughter of the Moon Goddess).

If you don’t know what I am talking about, the following is the description of the book from Goodreads.

Goodreads Description

An enchanting seventeenth-century epic of grand passion and adventure, this debut novel tells the captivating story of one of India’s most legendary and controversial empresses — a woman whose brilliance and determination trumped myriad obstacles, and whose love shaped the course of the Mughal empire.

She came into the world in the year 1577, to the howling accompaniment of a ferocious winter storm. As the daughter of starving refugees fleeing violent persecution in Persia, her fateful birth in a roadside tent sparked a miraculous reversal of family fortune, culminating in her father’s introduction to the court of Emperor Akbar. She is called Mehrunnisa, the Sun of Women. This is her story.

Growing up on the fringes of Emperor Akbar’s opulent palace grounds, Mehrunnisa blossoms into a sapphire-eyed child blessed with a precocious intelligence, luminous beauty, and a powerful ambition far surpassing the bounds of her family’s station. Mehrunnisa first encounters young Prince Salim on his wedding day. In that instant, even as a royal gala swirls around her in celebration of the future emperor’s first marriage, Mehrunnisa foresees the path of her own destiny. One day, she decides with uncompromising surety, she too will become Salim’s wife. She is all of eight years old — and wholly unaware of the great price she and her family will pay for this dream.

Skillfully blending the textures of historical reality with the rich and sensuous imaginings of a timeless fairy tale, The Twentieth Wife sweeps readers up in the emotional pageant of Salim and Mehrunnisa’s embattled love. First-time novelist Indu Sundaresan charts her heroine’s enthralling journey across the years, from an ill-fated first marriage through motherhood and into a dangerous maze of power struggles and political machinations. Through it all, Mehrunnisa and Salim long with fiery intensity for the true, redemptive love they’ve never known — and their mutual quest ultimately takes them, and the vast empire that hangs in the balance, to places they never dreamed possible.

Shot through with wonder and suspense, The Twentieth Wife is at once a fascinating portrait of one woman’s convention-defying life behind the veil and a transporting saga of the astonishing potency of love.

My Review

But what do I even say…

Two of the worst people you know fall in love based on 3–4 meetings. A son who poison’s his dad, a daughter who eyes the throne first before the man seated in it, their unrivaled obsession with each other without any actual substance like they have a proper conversation for the first time after like 20 years of pining- leading to intentionally or not, many people’s death.

I think history conveniently forgets to teach us that these so called Great Emperors were often terrible people. Maybe I expected more from the Jahangir written in the book — but it was certainly not this — hero material. In here, I am criticizing the characters of the novel — maybe Mehrunnisa didn’t actually love Salim but actually coveted the throne? That may have created a much more impactful story line — because honest to god, their love was not at all convincing.

I have to grudgingly give credit where due as well — the author has indeed relied on historical accounts, decorated with her imagination — but for a novel — I felt I could not understand why Mehrunnisa and Salim loved each other — they barely knew each other and even if we categorize her interest in him to be love (and craving for power in a world where women didn’t have any) he barely looked at her 4 times — and purely out of lust. Literally till the last moment — he just wanted to possess her. It felt as if the author lined out all the historical events we knew — and then tried to fill in gaps — create justifications for actions resulting in a colorful patchwork where I could tell which aspects were derived from history and which were not — breaking the illusion of the novel.

While this could be true — in the sense of history — the characters ended up unlikable. Not much fault can be rested in the author in that sense.

But if I have to read about — ‘breasts heaving’, ‘trimmed waist’, ‘looked as young as the day of marriage’ — even in novels set in serious historical backdrops, I will no doubt harm a book or someone.

[ravencromwell]

Op, I hope you don't mind me piggy-backing off this to further elucidate your point about changed contexts between book and show. In the books, Tear was undeniably an unfriendly city for those with the One Power. But that translated, in practical terms, to Aes Sedai keeping their stays there brief, and girls who could touch The Source being quickly bustled off to the Tower. There were no Aes Sedai advisers, as in other kingdoms etc., but neither was there the virulent hostility of the show.

Siuan left Tear quickly in the books—the first day she was discovered to have the Power, but only because a sister was traveling through and didn't wish to delay returning to The Tower for such pesky things as sentimental goodbyes. Was that harsh? Absolutely. But the world of the books is exceedingly harsh in some respects, giving girls little to no choice about becoming Sisters, should they be discovered harboring abilities. (Much of Nynaeve's back-story involved hiding her powers precisely because she didn't fancy being ripped from The Two Rivers.)

Siuan faces a much different harshness in the show. The show doesn't do a great job explaining this, but The Dragon's Fang, which is etched onto Siuan's door before her house is unceremoniously torched, is a sign of immense contempt for Dark Friends. Within show Tear, a wary mistrust of Aes Sedai has curdled into something much more dangerous. All use of The Power is suspect, because if men's half was tainted, there's nothing to say women won't go suddenly mad, too.

It's worth remembering as well here that book Siuan was roughly fifteen when she went to The Tower. Now, I'm totally blind, and audio description doesn't give me an age for tiny show-Siuan, but if she's anywhere near puberty, I'll eat my metaphorical hat. And instead of being shepherded to The Tower, she had to flee for her life.

In her family's only means of support, I might ad. Book Siuan was by no means well-to-do, but she was firmly in the middling ranks of the working poor. Show Siuan's family are on the fucking destitution brink y'all. And she took her father's livelihood. Dying destitute ain't fuckin pretty.

Siuan is not a stupid kid, and she clearly adores the shit out of her dad. The first thing that little girl did the millisecond she got any privileges? Wrote to her daddy.

And more than likely, daddy never wrote back. It wouldn't take her long to figure out what'd happened. Moiraine is at great pains to tell Alana Jenny was not "her" support dog, and we laugh it off as oh, look at Moiraine being all adorably prim. Which in one sense, it totally is. But I'd almost guarantee you there's a deeper layer there: it wasn't "hers"; it was "theirs" because once Siuan found out her beloved dad was dead, they both needed something to cuddle.

This may seem like somewhat of a digression, but I'm maundering on because in the books yes, Dark Friends are evil. But they're evil because they caused a terrible cataclysm many thousands of years that killed lots of people, and they                     do it again. There's no personal skin in the game for our beloved ladies, except they get thrust into the job through a convergence of some very complicated circumstances—I'd recommend any show-only watchers read "New Spring" because while I love almost all the changes the show has made ferociously, the way Siuan and Moiraine undertake the search is vastly more plausible as presented by Jordan there.

For Siuan in the show, by contrast, Dark Friend has _very personal ramifications. Dark Friends caused the corrosive mistrust that got her dad _killed! And Moiraine, better than _anyone, knows how that broke her.

Now, here's a woman who knows she could be deposed simply for having a relationship with Moiraine. The sensible thing to keep all the awful people from committing terrible crimes that will reverberate down the centuries to impact a little girl just as she was impacted would be to keep both their noses clean. And yet, she loves Moiraine so much that she'll take that risk to maintain not only an alliance about Rand, but a romantic relationship which could, realistically, be discovered much more easily.

And now, Moiraine, the woman who parroted back her beloved father's words of farewell about how Siuan was as strong and clever as the tides seemingly willfully lied; seemingly became a _Dark _Friend. Even her admonition that Lanfear is "too strong" must bring up so many awful questions: just how long have they been working together for her to know that? Because from Siuan's perspective, what it looks like is Lanfear coming in, guns blazing, to save her accomplice, Moiraine.

When Siuan says that there are rules and they have to abide by them, it's reflecting profoundly deep fears—not only about what Rand could do, but the kind of hatred toward those with The Power it could foster. For twenty years, she's put those fears aside. And now it appears that her going against Tower Law has lost her Moiraine to the Forsaken, and made terrible outcomes nigh on inevitable. And people are really confused about why she looks beaten?

Hell, from her perspective, forget Lanfear's entrance. The very fact Moiraine seemingly lied to her and is now talking about love must seem such a cruel mockery: laughing at Siuan's weakness; just as, perhaps, she was laughing at her with that parting comment in The Tower: an Amyrlin Seat still so swayed by what her daddy told her so many years ago. (Yeah, we know it was as close as she could come to an I love you, but how the hell is Siuan supposed to know that, given everything?) This was not willful emotional abuse on someone she knew to be acting in good faith, but a reaction to the person she loved enough to risk the fucking Amyrlin Seat for becoming a monster! When she says "Moiraine, please!" it's as much please this can't actually fucking be happening! as anything else. And to me, this, much more than the physical ramifications, is what Lanfear means by a "broken Amyrlin". The entire bedrock of her life's certainties are unmoored, and she's in a riptide.

Do I wish they'd picked _any other direction for their relationship? Yes, yes I damn well do. There was plenty to play with for angst factor by having the coup go down as it does in the books: Moiraine not being there to save her when all Siuan wanted was more time together, for one thing. Moiraine needlessly obfuscating in front of Siuan and  the other Sisters in S1, when Leandrin already knew! about the Two Rivers folk. Thinking she was being canny, when all she did was get herself pointlessly exiled so she couldn't protect Siuan? Quite enough of an angst sandwich, thanks ever so, without this new development. But! if they were going to include this, Siuan reacted precisely as I would expect her to, given the context I've outlined above, not in some madly ooc fashion worthy of the tags descending into emotional abuse discourse.

People can say what Siuan did to Moiraine was abusive or character assassination, but people need to realize that just because you don't like something doesn't make it out of character, and it doesn't make the characters wrong.

Between siuan and moiraine went down, I get that for people who ship, them it was rough to see but I don't think siuan was in the wrong. The biggest problem is that siuan is a character in a TV series, she is not privy to everything the audience and other characters know. She knows that moraine has been keeping secrets from her, huge secrets, disobeyed her by breaking rand out, and and from siuans perspective lied to her, something only the black ajah can do.

Aes sedai cannot go against the 3 oaths, not its hard to do, or it hurts to do but can be pushed through, they cannot. I don't believe compulsion can force an aes sedai to go against their oaths, but I know in the books even an aes sedai collared by an a'dam can't be used as a weapon like other women who can channel. Moiraine truely believes she was stilled, which is why it isn't a lie, just a tied off shield by one of the most powerful channelers in existence, which doesn't seem to be a thing outside of the age of legends and women can't see male weaves so why would she assume that's what it was. unfortunately that means to Siuan, it looks like Moiraine is a liar something only the black ajah can do, which means the only logical explanation while Cairhien is being assaulted by a woman channeler more powerful than herself, is that the woman she loves is a dark friend and has been for at least 6 months since the eye of the world.

Yes, siuan compelling moiraine into obedience with her oath is a bad thing, especially to someone u love. But moiraine is trying to manipulate her just as much by using their love for each other as a shield for justice. Siuan is going to feel awful when she finds out the truth, but as the Amyrlin she did what she thought right and forced a dark friend and member of the black Ajah to obey. we know darkfriends in the show and in the books, they can be insidious, they can even be kind people who were forced into a bad situation or fell into a bad crowd. But they can be tricky and yes, as we can see since Moiraine's own nephew is a darkfriend who almost became the king of a country, they can be the people you least suspect.

Siuan did what she thought was right even though she was incorrect, it's not going to be the last time she does this, it's going to be from the last time any character in the Wheel of Time does it. And look, if they go through the whole series, hopefully the two of them can be together in the end and work through this. I can't believe I'm defending Siuan this much, I'm not even a big fan of her character, but I think fair is fair. (also found out I've been spelling moiraine's name wrong this whole time, which doesn't have much to do with the post, just something that happened to me and will happen in the future)

[bokettochild]

If the boys were in httyd, what dragons would they have? :)

*shrieks*

You could not possibly have better appealed to my inner fan. Combining my two major fandoms into one? Yissssssssss

Note: I will not solely be using dragons from the movies, but cannot reference books because I could never actually read them.

Okay! So! I would like to start out with Ravio. Yes, Ravio isn't technically one of the boys, but who really cares?

Smokebreaths. Ravio would have Smothering Smokebreaths, and they 100% steal all Legend's items for him (he exchanges their finds for metal for their nests, if only to avoid being made roast rabbit).

Meanwhile, I see Legend with...hmmm...lemme put a hold on him actually, he's tricky

Warriors would one hundred percent have a Sharp Class dragon, and I'm leaning towards a Razorwhip. They're fiercely loyal and both strong and agile. They're dragons fully capable of combat, but they're also very kind and curious outside of it. It suits him. Were he to actually have a dragon, I imagine he'd be assigned to work with it by the Crown and they just- bonded. I know you only asked what dragons, but I'd like to go on and say he and his dragon would have a partnership more akin to Astrid and Stormfly's: they're real close and caring with each other, but in battle they work not as a singular unit, but as a terrifying duo.

Time is more Stormcutter vibes I think. Like, maybe it's the faces Cloudjumper makes and the way he handles smaller, younger, more annoying dragons, but if Cloudjumper is a accurate representation of his species as a whole, I'd say they're a good fit. Capable of great tenderness, but with a face and form that really makes you wonder if they will or will not kill you. Stormcutters also have a somewhat owlish vibe, which ties in well to how JoJo originally had Time with an owl companion in LU. Stormcutters are loyal to death and mostly solitary, but can exist with other dragons when needed (especially, I'd assume, if that other dragon is their mate). They're capable, terrifying, strong, patient and capable of great mischief, perfectly compatible with one Gremlin Forest Hero.

Now, Twilight had me a bit stumped. See, a Boulder Class is just 100% wrong for him. He'd need a partner that's intelligent, strong, fast, and loyal. Now, technically, that's a Strike Class dragon to a tee, but the Strike Class is really small, like: nightfury, lightfury, skrill, snow wraith, deathgripper, triple strike and woolly howls. Now all these are all lovely and all, but they are not Twilight, which is kinda important. The dragon is like another half of your soul, to have your dragon it needs to be the one that compliments or completes you. And then it hit me: Deadly Nadders. They're an intelligent Tracker Class dragon that's a skilled hunter (with a preference for domestic meat), incredibly loyal, intelligent, and playful. The pride of the nadder definitely contrasts Twilight's humble spirit, but I feel like a proud dragon would be good for him. Not only would he want to spoil them rotten, but he might actually become more confident in himself and develop a better self image. Also, he'd 100% meet this dragon while wandering around as Wolfie, I will give no other context.

Since it seems like I'm working with the older Links first, I think I'll touch on Sky next. Now, when I was trying to remember the Strike Class assortment I was thinking how Twilight wouldn't care for something with crazy fire abilities (pyrophobia anyone?) when all of a sudden I thought of the skrill, with it's lightning blasts. My first thought was 'keep that away from Legend and Sky' and than I paused and realized, 'Wait, Sky controls lightning too, sort of' and now I'm in love with the idea of Sky making friends with a skrill. Maybe it was enslaved to Demise and he just....befriended it, and now it won't leave him because loyalty. They're truly ferocious dragons, capable of debatibly the worst damage (out of normal, not behemoth sized dragons) and very strong and independent, mostly reclusive. But whereas a razorwhip is a match to Warriors, I feel a skrill would be a nice compliment to Sky. By all rights, at first glance, there is no reason they would bond, but look closer and there are some similarities and they could actually work really well together! Granted, you can't ride a living electrical current (unless you maybe borrow Wild's suit) but if Sky still has his loftwing, he wouldn't need to. He could still be partners with his friend, just never fly on him, just with him (although the image of Sky and the Skrill both sparking with lightning in a battle is gorgeous tbh).

Now we head into the dragons for the younger ones, and I finally figured out something for Legend! The Changewing! It's a highly aggressive and dangerous dragon, yes, but they're only that way to beings outside of their family groups. Within them, we see they are highly defensive, caring and even nurturing (I mean, as much as we get to see of them). They're dragons that don't rely so much on brute force in battle, but rather stealth and powerful attacks. Like Legend, who tends to back the others up from the sidelines or employ items more than a sword, these dragons have a unique blast and tend to rely on their camaflouge in battle or when threatened. A key point for me is that they aren't overly large and are very agile, which Legend would need, considering how often his adventures had him slinking through small places, darting around and whatnot. How our snippy vet befriended an even snippier dragon, I'm not sure, but I'd say one or the other probably met while one of them was injured/near death and something made them think twice of killing the threat and made them instead try to help the other. After that, unbreakable bond. Like Warriors, I imagine Legend working as a fluid team with his dragon, no words needed. Less battling though, and more solving puzzles, discovering new things and fighting dungeons.

Hyrule next. At first I thought Hyrule is one who would also need a smaller, more agile dragon. Something smart, quick, but also more of the protective sort, considering his world's current outlook regarding him. That's about when I started reviewing dragons and then realized...no. Hyrule doesn't need a dragon to help him run, he needs one to stand with him and strengthen him. He needs a dragon who contrasts him to the point of it being ridiculous, one that's his complete opposite in every way, because it views itself as only worthy of the best whereas he sees himself as the least. What does he need? Well, I'm pairing Hyrule with a Monsterous Nightmare. We've seen Hyrule in battle, burning the enemy armies to the ground, but what would it be like if we gave him a dragon to help do it faster? A dragon that's not just a bit vain, but outright one of the proudest of all; big, powerful, standing out and drawing attention. This relationship definitely wasn't started by Hyrule and he has no clue how it's continued, but I feel like a Nightmare would look at him and go 'ah, yes, truly the most powerful and worthy of warriors, I can work with that one' meanwhile Hyrule is over here kicking at rocks in frustration that he's 'not good enough!'. Where Twilight's Nadder would help him overcome his self doubts through association, a Nightmare would smack Hyrule upside the head with his greatness, which I think is the only way to actually get it through to him. So yes, lovely, powerful, dangerous, unlikely duo. They're still working everything out, but they get along, and Hyrule stays warm and safe this way.

Okay, Wind next. Wild and Four are giving me the most trouble, so I'm doing Wind first. Wind would have a Thunderdrum. No, not just because they're a water dragon, I actually considered giving him a Speedstinger at first, but really, Thunderdrums seem to suit him better. Thunderdrums are highly powerful water dragons, but their main form of attack implements the air. They're aquatic dragons, so the likelihood of them surviving well in his world is higher than most other sorts, and while they aren't really the most intelligent of dragons, they are strong, powerful, occasionally playful, and even empathetic. I think Wind would have met his dragon while either traveling with the King of Red Lions or with Tetra. maybe they sailed close to a pod for a while and eventually became somewhat familiar with them. (While Wind would have met his dragon this way, Tetra wouldn't have cared for the Thunderdrums so much and yes, I know this is for the boys but Tetra has a Scauldron please and thank you). Wind and his dragon would be more buddies than actual partners. They have their disagreements and struggles, and don't always work well together, but they would die for each other and they know it.

Okay, Wild time. I had a bit of trouble with this one, but I finally figured it out and it was a total accident that it happened to be the Sentinel. Hear me out! Sentinels are blind, stone like dragons who rely on their other sense rather than sight, they're protectors, and as long as whatever they're protecting is safe, they're happy to remain still as statues, (to the point people usually think they are statues). I think this suits Wild; not only is he harmless unless he or his are threatened, but much like Wolfie the Sentinel wouldn't interfere unless it sense he was in need of help, something which I'm sure we all know he'd appreciate greatly. I feel like a Sentinel is a quiet yet stern sort of companion who could help ground our wildling a bit without caging him, and who could look out for him from close or afar without getting in his way. Also, it's fun to think of Wild, fresh from the Shrine, running across what seems to be a really cool dragon statue, just to realize that oh crap! it's alive! And this big dragon takes one look at this tiny, naked Hylian and goes 'well there's nothing else to take care of anymore' and just claims him.

Now, finally! Four!

Okay, so Four absolutely is the reason this took me so long to answer. I'd hashed out nearly everyone else's dragons the moment I saw this ask, but Four has haunted me and made life difficult because of something very simple: Four is complete.

Okay, so, Four is four kids in a trenchcoat, or four heroes anyway since they hate being called a kid. The Four of them complete each other in a way no other hero completes themselves. See, the rest of the heroes have dragons that compliment or complete them, but as I was going through every class, every dragon, and trying to pin down something that suited Four, all I could find were dragons that suited one or two of their colors, not all of them. There was nothing to complete Four because the colors themselves already balance and round them out. As for complimenting, how do you compliment something that's at once four and one? Now, you could say that a Snapptrapper would be ideal, but that dragon species is just a venus flytrap of dragons and doesn't do much more then smell nice and kill stuff. Not Four's style.

And then it hit me. I was about to settle on Smothering Smokebreathes for them because Smokebreathes would make sense to a point. Instead of complimenting or completing Four, they would just be companions. Four isn't as likely as the others to need companionship, help or protection from a dragon because he can just split, so I thought some scavenger/smithy buddies would be nice. Maybe Smopkebreathes broke into their forge one day and they ended up befriending them as a way to get their stuff back from them. Then maybe they trained them to work with and not against, yada yada... And that's not a bad idea, but it mademe sad to think that Four might not get a dragon best friend.

And then, walkiing along, my brain was suddenly invavded by a nightfury and I just had to stop and go 'of course!'. Now, i wanted to avoid giving the coveted nightfury to any of the boys simply for the sake of the Nightfury being the literal best dragon out there. Additionally, I kinda wanted Four's dragon friend to be big as a way to oppose his own size (partially for kicks), but I guess not.

A nightfury suits Four best because it suits all the colors, both seperate and together. they're strong and dangerous, powerful creatures that Blue would respect. They're fast and good team-mates, which Green would enjoy (especially as his brothers don't always work well with him). They're intelligent and observant, and can create awesome nightlights for reading which Vio would most definitely love. And they're empathetic, understanding and loyal, all traits Red would appreciate. Furthermore, a nightfury is complete in itself. it doesn't need a human/hylian, which is why it suits Four so well. neither need each other, but it doesn't stop them from being good friends and working together.

And that concludes the Chain!

Sorry I took so lomng to answer this, some of the boys were difficult :/

[shepherds-of-haven]

just wanted to say i absolutely LOVE SoH :) my question is how do you write flaws for your characters? i find it difficult to write characters with flaws at all, and aren’t just perfect (especially flaws that are related to their strengths, like Trouble’s fierce loyalty -> too hot-tempered)

Hi anon, thanks for your kind words and great question! I suppose I don't really go into character creation specifically with the idea of creating flaws in mind: I tend to come up with a character's core personality traits first, and then I ponder how those personality traits (which are usually positive to neutral) could have potential downsides. Like the first things that I figured out about Riel is that he's "the smart one," incredibly cunning, ambitious, and ruthless--and naturally, those types of people can often be workaholics, demanding, or difficult to impress! Likewise, Blade is stoic, strict, extremely skilled, hard to read and not very talkative, so naturally that leads me to think he wouldn't be very good about communicating his emotions and is likely socially stunted, especially considering his past! And Ayla is ferocious, strong, passionate, strong-minded, and blunt, but that can come off as rude or intimidating to other people as well! Or Red is book-smart, knowledgeable, enthusiastic, and intensely curious, but that can sometimes lead to obsessive tunnel-vision and a burning need to know that becomes a double-edged sword in his life!

I also think drawing from real life personalities and relationships around you is a good way to ensure that your characters don't read as perfect! No one in life is, no matter how much they may seem to be (that in itself can often be a flaw, whether it's artificiality or alienating to the people around them); and we all have friends or family members or loved ones that we love dearly while still being well aware of who they are as people, flaws and all. I can be acutely aware that I love my little sister and would die for her while also knowing she does stuff that annoys me or makes me roll my eyes sometimes, or I can have an extremely close relationship with my best friend but know I could never live with him in 1000 years because he's an unrepentant slob or tirelessly energetic (not a real example so no one read into this, lol), and we can apply the same acceptance and understanding towards our own characters! So I would say, maybe examine the people in your life and how you love them (despite knowing they make really disastrous decisions or how sometimes they can say well-meaning but absolutely dense things), and leverage that template onto your characters?

Another thing to keep in mind is that all stories must have conflict and all character arcs must have change, and character growth (or deterioration) typically hinges on some issue of theirs to conquer or fall prey to: a character who's already perfect can't experience any change or growth because there's nowhere for them to evolve further, and that isn't often compelling for readers to witness. Luke Skywalker has to let go of the naive, peevish farm boy longing for fame and adventure to mature into a Jedi capable of understanding and making complex emotional choices: joining the Dark Side offers him everything he craved in the beginning of the story (fame, glory, power, respect), and he has to conquer that part of himself in order to grow into the hero he is at the end. Vice-versa, Anakin falls prey to his all-consuming sense of love and attachment, allowing his passion (once the best part of himself) to be twisted into jealousy, possessiveness, distrust, and ultimately hatred until he becomes Darth Vader. Neither of those plots or conflicts would be driven forward if the characters didn't have flaws as well as virtues, so all stories need flawed characters! Whether it's a past trauma or problem in their history (which influences how they exist in the present) or an internal personality trait within themselves, the best stories revolve around the characters having progression in their lives, not only in their external goals but also in who they are as people. Basically, they've got to start somewhere lower on the ladder for them to have room to climb up!

I hope that's helpful, and thank you for your question!

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

destiel, 2.4k, mild hurt/comfort, happy ending. for @wormstacheangel who wanted a fic with anemic!Cas <3

"Cas?"

Dean hears a flump from the direction of the bedroom right as he finishes shaving his left cheek. It takes him about five seconds from there to dashing out of the bathroom, sink hastily turned off and half of his neck still covered in white, wearing an expression of worry that doesn't quite go with the foam beard.

Cas seems to hold the same opinion because his face splits in a wide grin the moment Dean enters the room.

A grin almost distracting enough for Dean to not notice that Cas is back on the bed, and suddenly wearing a blanket.

Almost.

"Goddammit, Cas." He sighs, huffing as panic slips away to make room for exasperation. He walks up to the bed, sets about righting the blanket around Cas.

Cas lets him.

"I should've known -"

"- Dean, I forgot -"

"- you were going to ditch your meds the first night after I stop bugging you 'bout them." Dean mutters, ignoring Cas completely as he makes weak attempts at protesting when Dean tucks one corner of his blanket all the way round at the other side, effectively turning him into what he mentally likes to call a Cas-burrito.

He doesn't like to call it anything at the moment though, cause right now, it's just proof of how Cas doesn’t listen.

Friggin' ex-angel of the lord, billions of years old, with libraries worth of stories and history in his head — but taking his meds when they're supposed to be taken, he forgets.

"It wasn't on purpose." Cas insists in a small voice, and Dean shoots an annoyed look at him before stepping back, finally finished with the blanket routine.

If you could call it that.

Well, Dean does call it that.

Because it happened often enough times after Cas's return from the Empty, human as the day Dean was born, to prompt both a title, and a reason to investigate why in the first place.

And not a lot of road to cover from typing in Cas's symptoms in a search engine — headaches, spells of dizziness, fatigue and feeling cold in general (things Cas had dictated to Sam who was typing, while Dean seethed from the next chair at not having been priorly informed of most of those things that warrant being informed about) — to ending up at the conclusion of a few billion (but actually just the first four) results, just minutes after.

Cas had anemia.

(The doctor Dean took him to the very next day, and Sam's completed research on the Novaks' medical history by the time they got back, confirmed it.)

Now, as far as the Winchesters were concerned, that was practically a relief — especially since their next place to look would've been old, tired books of curses, and the meekest of those would've been several times more worrying than the awfullest case of anemia one could possibly get - and Cas's, thankfully, wasn't even that bad.

However, curses are reversible. Or at least, equally as destroyable as their curse-rs are — who, usually, tend to be pretty destroyable when it comes to Sam and Dean.

Mineral deficiencies, on the other hand, are neither.

So supplements it is, as the doctor said and then prescribed — or so it should have been anyways, except for how the love of Dean's life was a giant baby when it came to taking pills.

"Sure it wasn't." Dean rolls his eyes, continuing in his exaggerated 'Cas' voice. "You just forgot."

Cas squint-frowns at Dean with all the ferociousness of a tired, cold and anemic four-weeks-old human, and Dean perches next to him on the edge of their bed with a sigh, the exasperation wearing off too.

(If he hadn't already wrapped them up, this would've been about the time Dean would've taken Cas's hands in his own.)

"Cas," He says, softer now.

Truth be told, Dean can't imagine what it must be like to go from being a - a being, that can heal itself and everything else, to a human who gets shivery and lightheaded cause of things inside of him he can't even control.

It's got to be terrifying, and obviously awful, and Dean's proud of Cas for the way he's been handling all of it — but dammit he's supposed to do the things that make it easier.

Just like he's supposed to let Dean take care of him.

"Dean," Cas replies, looking sideways at him with most of the stubbornness melted from his expression as well. "I'm a little cold but it's okay. I'm fine." He says, like he can still tell exactly what Dean needs to hear.

What he needs Cas to be.

There's a pause and Dean looks down at his hands. He can't help his next question, it's been on his mind for some time.

"What about the first time you were human?"

Cas noticeably withdraws into himself on hearing him, and Dean feels immediately a pang of guilt. It may have gotten easier to read him since he became human, but an accidental display of emotion was still a novelty. (Being difficult to read was apparently more of a Cas trait than an angel feature.)

"What about it?"

"Shouldn't you, uh," Dean pauses. "Shouldn't you also have been anemic then?"

Cas turns away from him, slow enough that Dean knows he's not taken offense, deliberate enough that he's thinking.

He finally answers, facing the wall ten feet away instead of Dean.

"I guess I was."

"But," Dean frowns. "I thought you had no idea you had anemia until last week."

"Dean, I didn't even know there was anything wrong with me until last week." Cas returns, his tone steady. "And back when I was human for the first time, I didn't either, because I'd never known what healthy felt like before, so I had no idea if I was or wasn't it. Of course I knew in an objective sense, say, the ideal temperature of the human body, but the ordinary amount of chilly one should feel on the streets in winter, or how hard or easy falling asleep is supposed to be, I couldn't have told you."

"Oh."

"And I still wouldn't have been able to," Cas turns back to him. "Had you not been the one to point it out."

Dean scoffs.

All he'd done was ask why Cas had been shivering in the middle of the day. That was it. Honestly, how could he not have seen it sooner?

"So you just," Dean lets out, afraid of the answer. "You just thought the cold spells and the, uh," he falters. "The being tired all the time — you thought that was part of being human?"

Cas smiles wryly. "It is for a lot of people."

"But —"

"And it was, Dean, anemia or not, for a lot of the people I lived with back then."

Dean's stomach bottoms out. He knows Cas is right. Six years ago, he'd been living on the streets, living in a bus. Dean remembers him — homeless, cold, sleeping on the floor of a Gas 'N Sip in his only set of clothes, Cas. And he knows he's responsible for it — knows he deserves to be hated for it, and it messes with him everyday that Cas doesn't — but did Cas really not even know what Dean had done to him? What Dean had — and Jesus, he detests himself — made him go through?

"You really thought all of us were going through that," Dean blinks. "And none of us was saying a thing?"

Cas doesn't look away this time and Dean goes on.

"I mean, I know you put humanity on a pedestal it doesn't deserve, and you think we're all capable of things you're capable of, but Cas, I can't believe you associated being human with being cold and tired, and —" Dean scrubs his face with a hand. "Goddammit, Cas! How could I have let you go out there on your own when you — h-how did I not see it, and — and you should never have had to deal with it all alone, I should've —"

"Dean."

It's not until Cas interrupts him that he realizes he's been rambling. Ranting, really, because it's not fair that Cas only got to see the worst of humanity, and it's not fair that Cas was so used to feeling awful that he just figured everyone felt that way all the time. That Cas was all alone at a time Dean should've been there for him, should've been at his side, been there to make sure he was warm, and make sure he ate spinach and seafood and whatever the hell else is rich in iron — hell, Dean should've looked it up sooner — and Dean should've been able to tell that Cas was sick, even if Cas couldn't, because that's his job.

He hasn't felt this way in a while — this particularly familiar fear of failing Cas, and losing Cas, entwined horribly, returning to him; seeping back in through his skin, and settling on his bones like the vast sediments of guilt and loss he's been carrying for most of his life.

Cas is supposed to be okay, and Dean's supposed to make sure he is.

But so far as upto here, turns out Dean's just been failing in more ways than he'd even known.

"Dean," Cas repeats, pulling him out of his reverie with determination in his voice, and a hand on Dean's left arm, his blanket now hanging off of one shoulder.

Dean immediately reaches to make it right but Cas holds him right where he is. Physically and not-drowning-in-his-own-head wise, and he's the only one who can do that.

"You're not listening to me."

Shit, Cas had been speaking this entire time, hadn't he? "Sorry, I was -" Dean looks Cas in the face to apologize, and lets out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, cause thank god, Cas isn't that pale. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Cas smiles, and it's not lopsided anymore, it's just Cas.

(Dean wonders if he should try to mirror it.)

"I was just saying that now I know that that's not the only part of being human."

"What do you mean?"

"The pain and the suffering, Dean. That's not all." Cas says. "There's also love, and kindness, and worry of the non-lifethreatening kind that dissipates with a smile, and warmth."

Dean stares at him.

"And sure," Cas shrugs. "I knew those things before too — I've read books, I've watched you and Sam — but now I've felt them as humans do, for the very first time, so it's a different kind of knowing."

Cas takes Dean's hand in his, and Dean's the one who squeezes.

"I believe the human expression is 'knowing it in my bones'."

Dean lets out a strained laugh in spite of himself. "Dunno, man. I don't think that's exactly what that means."

"But I do know it in my bones." Cas says simply, and Dean's heart does that thing where it feels too big for his chest. How Cas could go through so much, and still be so full of kindness and good, is one of the mysteries of life Dean's never going to solve — but it doesn't stop him from falling a little bit harder every time it happens.

"You should've gotten to know it the last time too, Cas." Dean tells him, sighing again. "I'm just — I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"Well, you are now." Cas tilts his head. "And I prefer the things I'm learning this time over the last time anyway, and I believe it's you who's always taught me that the present is what matters the most. I'm just glad you're here this time."

"And I'm not going anywhere." Dean squeezes their hands tighter, and Cas's smile grows. God, he deserves the world and he keeps settling for Dean, doesn't he — and Dean hates it, and loves it, and couldn't live without it. He puts his other hand on Cas's face, gloving his cheek. Cas leans closer.

"I love you."

Dean's throat constricts. "You're too good to me."

"I think that's the point."

Dean can't help but smile, and he really can't help the tears.

"I'm okay." Cas says, once more. "Are you?"

There's only one answer, and nothing to fight this time.

Dean closes the gap.

"I love you too."

It's not their first kiss, nor is it the first time they've ever said it — but it feels more significant than anything's felt before. It's more them, too — not sickly-sweet or angry and fighting, just them, coming around to the end of a hard talk, falling into each other's arms with an ease they reserve for each other only, and sinking into each other, slow and perfectly synced, like they're made for it.

When they pull back, a moment later, Dean leans his forehead against Cas's and licks his lips. Breathes.

"There's so much more to being human," he hears himself saying. "Than you'd ever find out just living here in the bunker with us."

"Dean," it's Cas's turn to sigh. "I've already found everything I need."

Dean's cheeks heat up. "I thought it was never too late to learn."

"It isn't." Cas leans back, hands falling back to his sides from where they were wrapped around Dean's neck. "But sometimes, practising old things is more important."

Dean immediately dissolves into laughter. "Yeah, no, great going. Call me old before you go to town practising on me."

Cas ignores him save a twinkle in his eyes. "And some things, I'd like us to learn together."

Dean grins.

"And some things," Cas concludes, with a wide smile. "Aren't taught anywhere else in the world."

"Yeah?"

Cas shrugs.

"Why so?"

"Well, rumor has it the teacher's afraid of flying."

Dean freezes for a moment, silent, and then snorts — because yeah, that's funny, Ha Ha, but okay, if Cas is fit enough to make jokes, then he's fit enough to take his meds now, and Dean tells him that gleefully, resulting in Cas's grin immediately turning upside down as he tries to scoot away from Dean, except Dean's kinda expecting it so he's prepared to launch himself on the bed if he has to — and he does have to, cause Dean might love him for his heart, and his courage, and his kindness, but remember how Cas is just a baby in a trenchcoat?

Yeah.

(And that is just a regular morning in the Winchester household.)