#i need Dean saying it back
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Destiel Pride - Day 5; Cursed or not
#destiel#dean winchester#castiel#Destiel pride#Destiel art#destiel fanart#spn fanart#spn art#spnfanart#wiggleart#ETA: i jsut realized it's the 5th of a month and it's pride#i'm so sorry lol#the cursed or not line comes in response to cas saying in 7.23 that he’s not good luck#and following the cursed or not line dean asks if he seems like good luck as well#and that got me to thinking about the curses these boys are constantly under be it overarching ones like ‘deans boyfriends#always die some how’ or more literal ones like spells and possessions and what not#but no matter what they always find their way back to each other like when Dean was grieving so hard in#season 13 that Jack who barely had consciousness that that point managed to break through the empty and wake cas up#so I wanted to draw 1518 which is the last curse that I know will be fixed in the continuation#don’t @ me on that it’s a major plot thread that needs addressing lol#and it can almost seem like love is a curse in this show but they’d rather have that love than not so#…also black goo lol
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dean is so hopelessly obsessed with the idolised image of sam. every time sam does something that doesn’t fit into that perfect version of baby brother that dean worships, dean goes insane & violent and does everything in his power to “fix” sam
#yes he absolutely would noncon sam if he thought it was needed to fix his baby brother#also#i saw a post saying s4-5 dean didn’t have that adoration for sam anymore and i couldn’t agree more#their relationship never came back to what they had in s2-3#wincest#samdean#spn
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i can't stop thinking about the first episode of season 6, when sam tries to convince dean to come with him, to come back to hunting. he says "it's just better with you around, that's all." it's an interesting line because sam is soulless, obviously. and even though he doesn't understand the details yet, he knows something's wrong with him.
"it's better with you around" he says, citing dean's compassion and care for others as the reason why. and how interesting is that? sam's working with plenty of other hunters who still have their souls—they're all more than capable of caring about the people they save. but sam needs dean specifically. he knows he's missing something, and he sees dean and recognizes that something in him. even cold and calculating and unrelentingly logical, sam recognizes that dean, alone, can "complete" him, give something back to him that he's supposed to have.
in episode 8 he tells dean he "needs his help." he doesn't elaborate; he never explains what he means by that. he has a whole family of hunters who'd be willing and able to help him, but still he needs dean. even without his soul, his hyperrational mind knows he needs him.
soulless sam isn't capable of caring about dean. but he doesn't need to care to know they need to be together, no matter what—to know dean is good for him, dean completes him, dean needs to be there for him.
it's like a sick reversal of season 1. sam drags dean back into this life because he can't keep going without him. because he needs him. because when you think about it logically, and sam has no other choice, there was never any other option for them.
#supernatural#wincest#i mean i'm absolutely looking at this through wincest-colored lenses but this isn't even a romantic observation#and i think that makes it so much worse#every time soulless sam gives an indication that he needs dean in his life even when he's incapable of caring about him. that's so fucked u#like what the fuck do you mean sam's dependence on dean isn't even irrational. that it's so normal to him that it's completely logical#to need him. that sam needs dean the way humans need air to breathe: an unalterable fact of nature and reality#'there are also things about it i remember that i... let's just say i think i should probably go back to being him'#What The Fuck Do You Mean By That Sammy#having a soul hurts but he should 'probably' go back to having one#he says in a conversation about how he knows he should care about dean but doesn't#like there's something inside him screaming for dean. and it's trapped and trying to claw its way out#he needs to care about dean no matter what the cost is. he needs to love him again#it's unnatural and wrong for him to exist without loving his brother. is that what you're saying. is that it#i just can't stop thinking about soulless sam. sorry. what's wrong with him seriously#besides not having a soul#.txt#sam#the winchester gospel#spn posting#6.01#6.08#spn6
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i am not anti sam but i sometimes find myself hating sam because some samgirls are super into bio/gender essentialism whether or not they realize it. sam is a woman and dean is a man and sam is the victim and dean is his abuser like what show are you watching?
#as much as we all like to have fun these are two cis men characters who have roles to play in the narrative they don’t escape#they are both being abused. we find this out *fully* in s14#but it’s always been present. this is the abuse sam and dean winchester show#but some of y’all don’t actually understand abuse! you think abuse is just being mean and yelling#‘sam is a woman because his autonomy is taken away’ your idea of womanhood is fucked up and you should unpack that#if you compare sam to a woman because he’s been SA’d then you are WEIRD. they are both men canonically getting SAd????#like yes dean has some weird stuff about his own gender that he needs to unpack but it’s part of a mask?? like if u genuinely#believe that he seriously 100% believes this stuff then you don’t know his character at all#and yes their relationship is toxic but if you think for one second that there’s a genuine power imbalance then you’re sorely mistaken#dean’s entire identity is based around taking care of sam. sam can do wrong but not enough to be truly held accountable#it doesn’t matter what he does. dean will always protect him and be there and do whatever it takes to save him. he will always forgive him#and sam knows this and uses it to his advantage. he repeatedly goes behind dean’s back and avoids the communication he says is so important#he blames dean for shit that isn’t his fault because he’s there#and no he may not fight dean on stuff but he can. he often doesn’t because he doesn’t want to!#they enable each other and they don’t grow because they can’t because there’s always something else BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH BEING ABUSED BY GOD#they’re not allowed to take a break. they’re not allowed to slow down or stop or rethink it’s always the end of the world#so yes some of y’all annoy me with the ‘i wish dean was nicer in the midst of his trauma’#shit or saying that therapy fixes everything stuff or whatever#and the fact that so many of y’all use that to treat sam like some fragile white woman who can’t#have an opinion without her husband’s permission is WEIRD like your gender stuff is weird#and just repacked essentialism onto them. idc if you’re trans. unpack that shit cuz your meta is full#of rad fem friendly or adjacent shit if you refuse to talk about gender without using abuse as an argument#because that does not hold up in canon of these two FICTIONAL MEN!!! or in the real world#(edit: most of the stuff i see is by cis women but im saying ‘idc if ur trans’ bc it’s not exclusive to them)#supernatural#sam winchester#dean winchester#wank adjacent#maybe just straight up#fandom wank
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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of genderswapped sam and dean. who has the short haircut.
THE REAL QUESTION. i could see a case for either. short hair is probably more convenient for hunting after all....
i think dean wears her hair long as a kid because it reminds john of mary. you could make the case that he'd cut her hair because it reminds him of mary too much, but i can't see it really, i think he'd want to preserve the innocence he sees in girlhood that he doesnt seem to in boyhood (a la that whole journal entry about wishing he had girls and how sons have to be soliders). continuing that, i cant actually really see her cutting her hair short at all because it ties her to her mother in her eyes. i think girl dean is like so obsessed with mary. can you imagine like. her whole life is about avenging mary and she's her daughter and the only girl in the family now. she has no adult female role models except her dead mother. she plays into being john (still loves cars and classic rock and wears flannel and leather jackets and is generally 'masculine') but she still sees herself as mary. john sees her as mary too even though he expects her to act exactly like him also. so i think she keeps her hair long. she probably has childhood memories of mary brushing it and wants to hold onto them. i think she likes it long, and i think john likes it long, and i think it reminds them both of mary, and i think they both like that.
sam? well sam is a lot less invested in playing the Role that's expected of him, so. girl sam is victim to levels of misogyny previously unthought of especially in the way where both john and dean see her as soooo weak and little and in need of protection. and they probably rely on the girl thing a lot to infantilise her. so i can totally see her cutting her hair off in a Fuck You to john at some point. tbh i reckon girl sam would have hair like canon sam's later season hair. though rly i can see anything with sam. also i feel like she'd have grown up with a shortish bob because it's easier maintenance (for dean john winchester is NOT bothered with looking after sams hair <3)
also both of those answers are in an au where one of them's raised a girl and the other isn't. but if we're talking total femchesters? john having two daughters? need to think on this more but im still leaning towards sam. i think girl dean commits to being a Girl the same way canon dean commits to being a Guy, even though both of them are shrouded in the same machismo. but sam fights any role hes given
tldr: sam
#the thing is like. canon dean plays mary's role too but i dont think he knows hes doing it quite the same#yes in retrospect he can look back and think 'i was being the mom to that household' but thats not a conscious decision kid dean makes.#he just knows that its whats needed. someone who comforts john and raises sam. and he becomes it#whereas this au's girl dean? i think its more of a conscious thing. john would say how much like mary she is bc shes a girl#regardless of how similar she actually is. it would become a point of identity. girl dean shapes herself in the shadow of a dead woman#and when she has to be/just is so 'masculine' in other ways - hunting and fighting and cars and beer and whatever the fuck -#i think she would keep her long hair. and also i think john would like it.#dont get me wrong i can totally see other interpretations too but just thinking abt it rn#girl dean could like dramatically cut her hair sometime after johns death. augh#SORRY FOR THE LONG AND INSANE ANSWER. <3#girl sam#girl dean#femchesters#deanna winchester#female sam winchester#spn#supernatural#asks
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not to be a total hater about something that doesn’t matter at all but destiel isn’t hozier too sweet!!!! To me!!!!! Never in the world would anyone describe castiel “swallowed the leviathan and slaughtered all the angels” supernatural as sweet
#if you’re gonna do it at least make it ironic. please#yeah yeah yeah whiskey near coffee black bed at three is so Dean. but that’s where it stops actually#also. also. I think that song kind of sucks actually#SORRY ANDREW#anyway. needed to say this somewhere and get the thought out of my head so I can go back to not being unreasonably irritated about it 🙏🏻
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About halfway through, I noticed that the whole arc of spn season 4 focuses on faith. This is the season in which angels and god are introduced in earnest, whereas before the topic of god was nodded to but didn’t factor into the plot in a critical way. Episode 1 Castiel has pulled Dean from actual hell. The questions of faith, doubt, free will, and god’s will are explored consequentially. We meet a fallen angel and learn that angels can’t feel or empathize or choose or doubt. We also explore what it means to have faith in humanity, either because of or in spite of god. And, most importantly, this is also the season in which the Winchester brothers lose their faith in each other.
Up through season 4 (at least) this really is the central theme and conflict of the show. By the end of s2, Sam had gained complete faith in Dean as his older brother, as his protector, essentially as his keeper. Dean’s faith in Sam is really better described as his complete and utter devotion to him. Their senses of self, purpose, destiny, and belonging depend on each other’s faith and devotion to each other. Sam rails against this throughout his life, but his seeking normalcy is really just seeking autonomy plus acceptance. It’s Dean’s acceptance that he needs. God and heaven and hell and humanity are contained between them.
When Dean sells his soul and goes to hell for Sam, he’s also (mostly unwillingly) abandoning Sam. He doesn’t realize that damning himself will in turn cause Sam’s downfall, that one can’t be right without the other. So when he comes back, he comes back to a brother he’s forsaken.
Dean’s devotion to Sam wavers in s4 when he fears that he’s not really Sam, just like Sam’s faith wavers when he starts to believe he doesn’t need Dean, that Dean is not capable of protecting him. He pulls away from his brother, his god. His fall from grace (drinking demon blood, starting the apocalypse) happens both because of his doubt and because of Dean’s failure to be present and love him unconditionally.
And there’s so much more going on but to me this is what makes their dynamic so compelling and also so batshit insane. Just to caveat, I have not watched season 5-15 at this point and I have no idea if this framework changes or holds up throughout the series. And I’m new here so idk if this has already been talked about quite a bit. I also don’t care because wincest is rotting my brain and if I don’t analyze this text it will eat me alive. I’m now rewatching the first 4 seasons that I blew through to get a better understanding of it because it feels like a good place to pause and go back. Anyway, tldr Dean’s religion is Sam and being the god/brother/home that Sam needs and Sam’s religion is belonging to Dean and being accepted and protected by him.
#wincest#sam and dean#something about these hoes makes me wanna write essays#I have so much more to say about this but I need to slow down or the post will go on forever#someone tell me how long I should expect to be obsessed with these two#like do you ever get to go back to the way things were or is this just life now#send help
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Anyways Dean loved Cas too, the song Watchin' Over Me proves it 😤
#i really really need a fic where Dean goes & sits in the dungeon looking at where Cas died and writes Watchin Over Me#he goes there to pray to Cas too. or just to talk to him#Sam thinks it's unhealthy to keep doing it to himself ((because Dean doesn’t let anyone into the dungeon anymore. it's *his* space))#but then one day while Dean is out Sam goes into the dungeon to… do whatever. maybe thinks he's gonna wait there to confront Dean?#either way he walks into the dungeon and sees a small little setup that Dean made#i'm talking a singular beanbag with a little table in front of it. some pictures of Cas (some he drew some he took and had printed out)#the song in a notebook. a few other things wrote down in said notebook#Cas's favorite blanket of deans#it's not exactly a dungeon anymore in the small space Dean carved out to be with Cas in#he's got lil snacks & drinks in there for himself#Sam leaves and never mentions how he thinks Dean going into the dungeon is unhealthy#then one day jack says he can bring Cas back but he has to go into the dungeon because that's where Cas was taken from#Cas & Jack come back from the empty and Dean is there waiting for him#dean winchester#castiel#destiel#supernatural#spn
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cas coming back in any kind of spn reboot is a given, we know this. he'll interact with dean and we might even get dean addressing the confession. and i know jackles will be the driving force behind any reboot but his history with addressing dean's feelings at cons is like a damn yoyo - is2g if dean doesn't reciprocate and destiel doesn't kiss on screen i'm not watching it and it will join the annals of not-canon along with 15x19 and 15x20 and the canon divergence attempt at a fixit that was dean in spnwin. no destiel means spngate 2.0.
#spn reboot#thoughts#he's made great strides these recent years and is so proud of 15x18. but i just rewatched that con question where he says#dean should've said he loved cas too and hugged him - and everyone fucking cheered! and he felt he needed to follow that up#with: and i know people will try to romanticise this brotherly relationship.... sir please. you gotta know we want dean back#but if you don't let him have cas romantically (and sexually) then honestly why even bother? you've seen the fandom these past 3-4 years#you know what we want. we want cas back. we want dean alive. we want reciprocated destiel. we want them to be together.#we want a happy ending. that doesn't mean you need to tie up every loose end but it does mean you gotta give the story#- not just the audience - what it deserves which is a destiel reunion and dean's own love confession for cas. or else just show#them as already together. that's what we want. that's what the characters want. that's what would make me watch. anything#else isn't giving the characters or the 12year long relationship and 15 year long plot what it deserves.
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yalls i just woke up what the hell is happening
#why is someone throwing a whole child tantrum in people's dms#brother this is an adult fandom#if your game experience is easily disturbed by ppl just having fun maybe you need to go back to kindergarten#learn some co-existing and social skills#dean rambles#istg i wanna say that kind of behavior is not tolerated here#i AM block trigger happy#i will not warn nor let you know how to get unblocked#you're blocked for a reason#albeit sometimes it can be as small as in 'i dont like this ship so i dont wanna see it' to 'you guys are fucking deplorable'#but i do block whenever i want :))#ig i'll have to put out a serious PSA when i get home after class
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Okay Dean “You know I am not much for prayin’ ‘cause in my book it’s the same as beggin’” and “I prayed to you, Cas, every night” Winchester, I see you.
#destiel#deancas#dean winchester#supernatural#just thinking my little thoughts#don’t look at me I’m having a moment#something something no greater devotion than that to his brother who he’s praying for in the former yet this implies#the same love and desperation fueling that must apply to Cas too#do y'all see what I'm saying? does the connection make sense?#especially s8 going forward Dean often takes the cake for toxicity I’m sorry it’s just true. HOWEVER. we need to talk about the softness#that man shows to Cas in this season specifically.#for ex: after Cas sternly shuts him down in 8x08 he doesn't get defensive and snap back like Dean often does#he goes over and sits on the bed across from cas and softly says 'talk to me.' like i'm sorry? has dean ever said that??#not that i recall. usually it's smthg like 'are you ok? no? that's rough buddy. shove it down.' bc that's what he was taught#and mid-end of the prior season though his ‘don’t tell Cas the truth’ plan was not great it was pretty clear imo how deeply happy he was#just to have cas back. broken or not he’d rather have him. .#I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say that's why we're in the tags but it's just something about how Cas deeply betrayed them and we#know how intensely Dean can hold a grudge yet when they get Cas back Dean's softer with him than he ever was before.#and then searches monster land high and low for him even after Cas abandons him#and connecting the former and latter quotes up there it's pretty clear how deep that devotion runs#(platonically or romantically. to each their own reading. and not always healthily.)#because he's as well as admitted he begged for Cas in purgatory. every. night.#Dean 'I don't pray bc i don't beg and I'm not weak'#Dean 'I would do anything for sam so i'll beg for help'#Dean 'I prayed to you. I killed my way to you. did you hear my prayers?'#it's just really somethin'.#I have to wonder if Cas knows how big that is. He must right?#(for my own tags)#dean#spn s8
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i needed cas to be the one to welcome dean to heaven because i know in those last moments one of the thoughts that raced through dean's mind was the fact he wasn't able to get cas back, because i am sure he tried to find a way, or see him one last time, he needed to know the moment it was all over that cas was okay
#destiel#this is a grudge i am holding onto forever and ever#like why couldn't cas simply say hey i am okay hi 😇#was he scared of dean#did he really thought they were better off without him#AND DON'T TELL ME WELL CAS WANTED TO FIX HEAVEN#he could have come back for like five minutes gosh#also i needed dean to tell cas whatever he had to tell him#ahhhh
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In my JD era
#heathers the musical#jason dean#jd heathers#heathers#freeze your brain#ive been through ten high schools/they start to get blurry/no point planting roots/'cause your gone in a hurry/#my dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den/so its only a matter of when/i dont learn the names/dont bother with faces/#all i can trust is this concrete oasis/seems every time im about to despair/theres a 7-Eleven right there/each store is the same/#from las vegas to boston/linoleum isles that i love to get lost in/i pray at my altar of slush/yeah i live for that sweet frozen rush/#freeze your brain/suck on that straw/get lost in the pain/happiness comes/when everything numbs/who needs cocaine?/freeze your brain/#freeze your brain/care for a hit?/does your mommy know you eat all that crap?/not anymore/#when mom was alive#we lived halfway normal/but now its just me and my dad/we're less formal/i learned to cook pasta/i learned to pay rent/#learned the world doesn't owe you a cent/you're planning your future veronice sawyer/you'll go to some college and marry a lawyer/#but the skies gonna hurt when it falls/so you'd better start building some walls/freeze your brain/swim in the ice/get lost in the pain/#shut your eyes tight/'til you vanish from sight/let nothing remain/freeze your brain/shatter your skull/fight pain with more pain/#forget who you are/unburden your load/forget im six weeks/youll be back on the road/when the voice in your head/says your better off dead/#dont open a vein/just freeze your brain/freeze your brain/go on and freeze your brain/try it#Spotify
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Siri how do i stop the cycle without doing these bitchass tiny steps
#lamenting because i was so close to being normal and then i fucking lost it and gained nearly 100 lbs#and i cant get back to where i was i just ...... aaaaaaaaaaaaa#im so much more mentally fucked now so its harder#but thats all excuses right?#and then theres me being like am i even saying that bc i know its what people want to hear#or do i actually believe it? and is there even a difference if i know its true but i dont believe it?#does it even fucking matter just stop shoveling garbage in your mouth ffs#is the real answer here but I AM STRUGGLING#im looking into wls but i know if i dont get my emotional and bored eating under control that shit WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR ME#hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng#im just mad bc i have to fucking grocery shop#which always leads me to being pissed about this fuckass cycle#bitch call me mauville town the way i have cycles#god i can recognize the cycle which all tthe therapists will be like good on you!! :D and im like great. how do i break it#and then theyll say ten thousand small steps BITCH IM DYING I NEED DRASTIC CHANGE#BUT THEN IT WONT STICK AND ILL REVERT BACK TO WHERE I AM#but i did it drastically the first time and it wouldve stuck if i hadnt fucking lost it and ended up in the ward#im not a small steps kind of guy i need to wake up and fix shit and stick to it#but listen to me i am dean maniacally speaking to sam.gif#i buy all these stupid ass healthy foods and i have all these good ideas and reciepes and im legit pumped#and then i fuck it up and order food thats awful for me and then i give the hell up#which is an easy problem to fix. i know.#i can simply just....... not do that#but i swear i am struggling which pisses me off so bad#like you wouldnt struggle if youd quit being a stupidass and just did the damn thing#god i am not gonna do well on my psych evaulation#im gonna end up turning it into therapy and im gonna rage and the lady is gonna be like :D................. you need ten more visits#and youre getting denied at the end of them so get fucked#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#charlie am i losing my GODDAMN MIND? IF ITS GONE WHERE WILL I FIND.. IT?
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i was tagged by the effervescent @cordiallyfuturedwight and i bow to her selections once again. magnificent stuff. somewhat delayed but tagging some favs @aprylynn @thvinyl @banghwa @yooboobies @pauls-mccharmly @kimchokejin @kithtaehyung 💜
#here's the debrief (if only for myself):#unknown/nth. i saw hozier live this weekend and it was a biblical experience. i achieved apotheosis during this song and at least six others#and have been Changed because of it. for better or worse- it's too early to say#02 folk malone got to me. what can i say#i loved northern attitude last year and i must've missed the stick season train but good lord did it total me this time round#feathered indians.. look. every so often i fall victim to the bluegrass and this is one of those times. lord forgive me.#maggie rogers' tim mcgraw is masterful#and annie lennox has never once missed eurythmics or otherwise#the lilo and stitch soundtrack is something that can be so personal#kamehameha schools children's chorus for artist of the year except they're all probably pushing thirty now#springsteen i will always keep coming back to. nebraska is an album and a half#dolly needs no explanation#olivia dean hasn't been around too long but oh my god she's got IT. whatever it is#dial drunk my stay toxic anthem. it's a good one. see also: the rest of the album#as for the artists - can i go a month without abba in there challenge FAILED AGAIN#also honorable mention ryan beatty. i've only just discovered calico and it's a masterpiece front to back#that's all folks. if you read all of this i'm sending you a big kiss <33 get help#tag#receiptify
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