#i meant to save it to drafts so i could reread what i wrote in the morning

[ashe-stxr]

here you go @nygmobblepot94 !! :]

oswald is such a mess in this scene 😭 (tbh, more like this whole CHAPTER lmaoo)

theres also something so unintentionally funny about the contrast between my artstyle and the words ive written, cause this whole scene is essentially just

oswald: oh god i cant read eds expression am i making a mistake??? does he not love me back??? i have no idea what hes thinking right now what do i do

meanwhile edward: *blushing furiously, clearly struggling to maintain his composure, going through all the stages of bi panic*

anyways, most of the beginning of this video is the same as the first one, outside of a few minor grammar corrections that have been made in the past month, but i did treat you with the other diaologue option at the beginning ! and of course, this one features the new version of the background image !! YIPPEE !!! :]]

as of the time of posting this, i currently only have 6 of them left to do which is such a huge relief omg,, as much fun as im having with them, i cant wait to go back to drawing people

also, sorry again for cutting the video off so short. originally i had always planned to cut off the scene at that point for the sneak peeks, but after doing some thinking i realized that im actually okay with showing the rest of this scene. ...except for the fact that this leads directly into a cg, and right now all of the cgs are glorified stick figures,, 😭

HOWEVER !!! if i keep going at a good pace, the most youll have to wait until i finish that cg is 2 weeks? if even that. and im also planning to post some sneak peeks of all the different sprites ive done sometime next week if thats something youre interested in hehe

[mantequillamcwhoremick]

How did you come up with the plot to Chaos Plan??

YIPPPEEEEE ANOTHER ONE!!!! HEHEHEH THANKS FOR THE ASK

Omg I LOVE this question. I'll never get sick of answering that, so like warning for long post incoming 😈😈😈😈

I talk about my inspirations a lot on this post and also in the end notes on some chapters, especially chapter 10 and chapter 20, and I always pinpoint the scene from TFBW where Butters/Chaos talks to the others through the screens of U-Stor-It as "the moment where it all started," so I guess I can talk about something different now😁😁😁I might still repeat myself a lot though lmao so sorry about that.

The Premise: Butters' Disappearance and Detective Harris

Fun fact: the summary on ao3 is actually the first thing I ever wrote for the fic, and I feel like it still holds up.

I debated for a long time whether I actually wanted to write this story, because the idea of it fascinated me so much but I was scared to commit to such a big project. But then I read this pitch to my best friend and they were FASCINATED, and that was kind of the push I needed. I haven't looked back since.

The premise of Harris hiring Mysterion (despite either of their desire to work with each other) was something deeply inspired from the premise of Six of Crows, a book I reread at least once a year. I love crime and heist stories, especially when the criminals in question are sad little losers with questionable motivations and morals, and I feel like Mysterion getting HIRED to stop Chaos is a story that wrote itself. Especially since I wanted the added backstory to be that Butters disappeared after a tragic event, kickstarted by the aforementioned TFBW scene that made me immediately think of Jinx from Arcane. That's why I implemented all those visual bits and pieces of Chaos grafitti-ing the town, particularly places associated with childhood (playgrounds, the basketball court), and decorations that make you think of a kid's birthday party (like the fairy lights).

Mysterion and Chaos

In my notes on chapter 20 I talk in detail about my thought process on Chaos and Mysterion's villain and vigilante identities and their respective modi operandi, which is something that drove the development of this story a lot.

I'm a huge character psychology nerd, so I really wanted to write a story where these two characters drive the plot fueled by their fascinating canon skills, backstories and trauma in the given canon setting. A story that illustrates in great detail how they would operate in a hero/villain story while keeping the story as close to canon (or canon equivalents) as possible.

"Professor" Chaos being an entrepreneur-type scammer & hacker villain was an idea that I found baffling to not be as widely represented as I'd expect it to be (especially given the existence of Vic Chaos???), so I took it upon myself to realize my dreams lmao. This involved a lot of research on scams and cyber-crime and everything computers and crypto (I'm a tech illiterate. this was painful bro) so I watched a bunch of documentaries on a bunch of different assholes lol. (I'd be happy to share which those where if anyone's interested hghaahah) Thankfully my mom works in a cybersecurity-adjacent job so I know a bunch of fun facts like that you can actually get hacked with a QR-code! the more you know

The Plot and Shit

Whenever I have a story idea the first thing I do is pull out this bad boy

and make myself think about all the crucial plot points that could be represented by each beat sample. (I used to have the "Save The Cat" novelwriting book and it honestly changed how I think about story structure).

Even though a lot of the original first outline drafts don't really end up representing what the story looks like in the end, it does make me think about necessary beats to keep the tension up and have it flow nicely, and the vague idea of the crucial beats does usually hold up. Originally, the moment where Kenny finds out Chaos is Butters was meant to be the "midpoint" but I ended up focusing on a bunch of other stuff in the plot that I'd probably determine the moment the roof of City Hall blowing up as the "midpoint" now.

But these scenes were among those I knew I wanted in the story since the beginning:

Harris hiring Mysterion

Mysterion and Chaos talking at U-Stor-It

Kenny running into Butters

Kenny and Butters at the graveyard

City Hall roof blowing up

Mysterion talking to Chaos at a destroyed playground

some others i can't spoil teehee

And as you'll see, this represents like 5% of what happens lmao. Most of my ideas involving Kyle were super vague, and I had no fucking idea how to even involve Stan at first, even less Cartman (I actually wanted to keep Cartman away from the plot but he fought his way in anyway, as he does).

Brother, i didn't even have any scenes with Karen planned. I came up with that one spontaneously when I was struggling to figure out how to write chapter 7 (8 on ao3, when you count the prologue) and how to connect the dots between the U-Stor-It bit and what I wanted to do with Kenny figuring out the transport thing. You'll have found me like this trying to figure out all the connections and dots in Chaos' plan between Harris, the bar, Butters past (yet to be revealed) and how the motherfuckers of our main characters are actually gonna figure all that shit out.

I'm too embarrassed to say how many chapters were just kinda spontaneously rawdogged when they demanded actual detailed explanations of what happened, when I only had like the most vague idea thinking "yeah it happened somehow" (chapter 9 was most definitely one of them. That chapter description just said something like "Kenny and Kyle do detective work idk")

So yeah i guess the TLDR answer to this ask is kinda "idk man i fucked around and found out and the plot possessed me in vivid visions." I think at it's least ramble-y and most honest, that's what it all boils down to

THANKS FOR THE ASK <33333 AND KISSES IF YOU ACTUALLY READ ALL THIS LMAO

[the-ghost-bird]

Rant over Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer:

Note: I wrote this while drunk months ago and my drunk self accidentally saved this as a draft instead of posting it. Against my better judgement, here's how bad I was obsessing over Annihilation, with the correction of the horrenous whiskey induced spelling mistakes. Spoilers ahead (obviously)

I was thinking back to the book, trying to figure out what about it hit me like a damn train, even after years and multiple rereads.

And i think part of it is just.... idk, there's something about the calmness of the biologist when she realizes she's contaminated from the spore inhalation. There's something about how she accepts it and the changes after it that just speaks to me. It's not a morbid acceptance, it doesn't come across as just her choosing to accept it for the saking of keeping her emotions in control. This acceptance of hers is less morbid and more like a... relief.

She just accepts it, and as she and nature merges, there's this feeling that Area X is not as dangerous to her as it is to everyone else because she's meant to be there. She is this reminder that nature and human are not separate, and we see it from the way she's always been so deeply connected to nature, more than anything else society could provide to her.

Her career choice isn't just an interest to her but an excuse to be connected to nature as much as she can, like a person who chooses to become a surgeon not because they want to help people but because it gives them an excuse to cut them open. I mean for fuck sakes, she kept getting removed from any research projects she would work on because she would just hyperfixate on the environment surrounding her and get lost instead of doing her actual job.

The biologist has always belonged to Area X. She's always felt like an entity that transcended humanity and connected to the lifecycles around her. That's why the husband highlights in his journal that he would've understood her better when he volunteered for the 11th expedition.

So when she inhales those spores, and remains calm, and accepts her changes all so easily, it gives the impression that now that feeling of hers, that feeling that she's meant to be in the remote, in the wild- all of that isn't a feeling anymore, it's physical, it's real, it's irreversible and you can't ignore it or brush it off or undermine it.

She transcends and becomes Area X, and it's what she always wanted, what she was always meant to become, what she's always been.

[onyxheartbeat]

Dear HIM/Ville Valo fans,

this is a long post but I must discuss this.

________

I came across this interview of Kat Von D from a few days ago. Before I get into my thoughts, below is a passage from her old book “Go Big or Go Home” which you may or may not have read. She wrote about Ville:

________

“I only knew his music, and I loved it on first listen. It was dark and it was beautiful. It was metal and it was poetry. It was love loaded into a gun, and I wondered about the man behind the songs.  Two years later, our paths crossed, and like the majority of the connections I’ve made in life, tattooing brought us together. Through our first tattoo sessions, we began to get to know each other. For the next few years, I just thought of him as my friend from overseas, and that was all. Then, after knowing him for six years, something changed. It could have been the wine, the music, or the moon. Most likely it was just perfect timing. Just one kiss, and he changed my world. We were both sad back then, and lost. I was depressed, having finally ended a marriage that had been doomed from the beginning. I was also dealing with the pressures of filming a television show, which was totally new to me - and drinking my way blindly through it all. His story mirrored mine, and he had been feeling just as low. We had been waiting for something to happen, for someone or something to come along and save us from ourselves. And when it suddenly seemed that that someone was each other, it took us both by surprise. We shared darkness, and doing that bought light back into our somber worlds: for once, we didn’t feel alone.He’s the reason why I wanted to write music to begin with - and learn to sing. I remember the exact moment I made up my mind about making music. It was something I felt I needed to do, not for any reason other than a way to respond to him. It didn’t matter if the songs I’d write never saw the light of day, as long as he was able to listen to my music, my message to him. He had told me to look for a package at my door step, prefacing the delivery of the contents, his new album, saying, “These are all of the things that are easier sung than said.”I knew what he meant, but never imagined that each song would be filled with direct messages to me. I put the album on, and the music rushed out of the speakers and filled my house. His voice rang all around, making it’s way to the core of my heart with every word he sang. As cryptic as those lyrics may have been for anyone else, I knew exactly what each word meant and recognized every event and place he referred to. The songs were so beautiful, I just wished so badly that he could have said everything out loud just once to me. How should I respond to something like this? Where do I even start?The first time I saw him after I got sober, he was in town working on music. We sat in my office at the shop until the late hours of the night, talking and catching up about everything - music, home, art and work. Did we talk about love? No. We constantly danced around our past instead. What happened to us? I couldn’t find the courage to ask because I was scared of the answer I already knew. We decided to draw, with pencils and paper in front of us, we sat at opposite ends of the table. He pulled my three-minute timer from one of the nearby shelves, and placed it at the center of the table. He suggested we draw each other, and I was game. With a flip of the hourglass, the grains of sand moved from one vessel to the other, and we began.Sketching these timed portraits forced us to stare at each other, making it practically impossible to focus on the drawing itself. I had almost forgotten how beautiful his face was. He has a combination of eyes, lips, and a darkness to his looks that makes him look almost otherworldly. With him, I felt like I was at the center of an orderly, tranquil, magnificent universe. For those short three minutes, there were no questions about life or purpose. It was as if we never needed any more from each other than this.Like all people, I’ve suffered from love sickness and tasted the pain of love. The theatrical director of my mind, the one who staged all these versions of him and my life with him, seemed to be unaffected by reason. I was finding myself constantly day dreaming of the past.His eyes, his hands, his crooked smile - I’d ruminate over his features. Things he said. Things he did. Things he wrote. Things he drew. Things he sang. Over and over again, I’d sift through these images and memories as if they somehow contained the answer to my prayers. But I was living with a long-age memory of him; living so far away from the present moment.If we had spoken about what we were or what we thought we were, back when we got sober, I wouldn’t have been so confused, wandering what if, and writing the rest of our story in my mind. What did I expect? For him to magically not hear about me being in a relationship? And to not be bothered by it? If only he would have asked….. I would have….. If we could have only talked….. then things would be….. if we allowed ourselves to transform our fears of being open, vulnerable, then, I’d convince myself, we would be together. I realized that none of that mattered now. If I wanted to be free of this unrequited longing, I would have to make peace with the past and finally let it go. There was no way around it. But did I want to be free of it? - and him?I listened to one of his songs the other day. Out of all the songs he wrote on that album, this one was the most direct. He sings my name in the chorus. By the time the song is over, I’ve felt a range of emotions - I’m sad but happy, frustrated but calm. He sings about how I alone bring him to a place of stillness and peace within when we are together. What a victorious feeling - to enter into a place with him where no one else has been. To be able to bring goodness to and draw it out of someone. Those sweet thoughts were interrupted by  an e-mail from him. Impeccable timing as always. It’s just a short note, letting me now he’s somewhere out there, thinking of me. He ends the message by calling me “Star Face” - his pet name for me from long ago that no one else uses. At that moment, I loathe him for it. I loathe him because I love him. Sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to walk away from this if he’d just tell me that he hates me, that he wants nothing to do with me. But instead he calls me “Star Face.” There is no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s not letting go, either.‘Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love.’The silver plane hurtled over Newfoundland, over the Labrador sea. Someone told me I might see the northern lights as I fly east and north, but I wouldn’t have noticed as I was deep in writing the letter that I had already mentally composed long before I decided to make this trip to see him over New Year’s Day. I didn’t have to edit myself this time, I knew exactly what the letter would say.I reread the note to myself before sealing the envelope. Then I drew out the first letter of his name in pencil on the front. What a beautiful letter it was, probably my favorite out of the entire alphabet. A letter I was so used to writing myself. With ease the swirls and curves of each arch seemed to flow from my heart, my mind’s eye, drawn in and through my arms to my hands, releasing themselves onto the pale ivory paper envelope. My plane landed soon after.I had missed this country, I had missed him, too. I wondered how time had treated him ,for it had been a few years since I had last seen him. I wondered if I still had the ability to quiet his heart when he was feeling manic. He always said I had a way of doing that when I was near. And I wondered if he even needed me in that way anymore.When we met up, he looked just as beautiful as the day we saw each other for the first time, almost ten years before. And as if no time had passed, we started right where we left off - hours flew by in the comfort of each other’s presence. Talking. Catching up.He asked if I was getting sleepy, and my attempt at concealing the tiredness was transparent. I looked at the clock; maybe it was the jet lag or the clock hands pointing to midnight, but I knew it was time to say good-bye. Reluctantly, we both stood up and tried our best to part ways. As good as it felt to be near him again, I gave him the letter I had written letting him know that I was letting the nation of us go. He took the sealed envelope, and then I watched him walk away for what I assumed would be the last time.My heart didn’t belong locked up in a tower across the ocean from my home. It belonged in my chest, beating, living, feeling, sometimes hurting, but always loving. I deserved to be free, and understanding and needing that more than a dream, I was finally able to let him go.”

_________

Now, let me start by saying, I’ve never understood this and I still don’t. I’ve had that passage saved in my drafts for years because I keep almost anything pertaining to Ville. 

I’ve been a HIM fan since I was about 15 years old, and have followed Ville’s life and work closely. The friendship between them was always apparent to HIM fans in those days, because we saw her in photos with the band often. I used to watch Miami Ink and LA Ink as regularly as pretty much anyone in those days, and I remember when this particular passage of her book was brought to light, the HIM fan base read it and we all had our thoughts. We were all aware of Screamworks being written about Kat (it’s obvious in the lyrics of the album) even though Ville never specifically said Kat’s name when asked about it in interviews.

I remember being baffled back when we as HIM fans discovered this passage from the book. I couldn’t imagine not making that relationship work if it was true love. I’m a bit biased because I adore Ville and he’s like a dream to me, but I just couldn’t understand it. It seemed like she took the relationship for granted or she didn’t love him enough to make it work; but I digress. I get it; love and relationships are complex.

Still, flash forward to this recent interview (the screenshot), she says it was unrequited love, and I’m still not understanding it. Why release all the songs now? Why didn’t she make it work if it was true love? Who is she trying to say was the one not reciprocating (as the word “unrequited” suggests) in the relationship? I don’t understand any of it. More than anything, I’ve had so many questions that I wish I could ask Ville about it all because he only spoke briefly about it all, and it was always rather cryptic. 

I’m only writing this as a HIM fan, and because I love Ville and his lyrics on Screamworks so, so much (it’s an extremely underrated album in the HIM discography, in my opinion) so I’m letting any fellow HIM lovers know she wrote an album in response to it, in case you’re interested. I haven’t followed Kat or her work in many years, so I don’t know what to make of all this, but it’s always been extremely apparent to me when listening to Screamworks that a lot of heart went into it and even pain, not that his lyrics on other albums aren’t like that too, but I felt it more on Screamworks. I feel that Ville was the one who was truly heartbroken.

You all probably know from following my blog that I’m obsessed with love and unrequited love. Any romantic stories, bittersweet letters, heartbreak, longing etc. is just my favorite thing in the world so please excuse the long post, haha.

[stiltonbasket]

What made you decide to ship Lan Xichen with Nie Mingjue? Since Nielan is one of the less common LXC ships (though I love it the most). But LXC is more frequently shipped with JC and JGY, so I was just curious how you decided on the ship. Especially since NMJ was long dead by the time CQL ended.

As for how my Nielan agenda started, it was partly because I couldn’t get into any of Lan Xichen’s “main” ships. I didn't get much of a Xiyao vibe from the novel and LXC barely interacted with Jiang Cheng at all, so I didn't find that ship compelling either. But I wasn't that invested in any of the characters during my early fandom days, so I was a-ok with reading background xicheng and xiyao in Wangxian fics.

But then I started drafting TMAAF, and I had to decide what to do with Lan Xichen going into seclusion. It didn't seem right to leave him there, so I had A-Qing survive Yi City and recover with LXC's help; and after Lan Xichen got the chance to save one person who was hurt as a result of JGY's actions, the rest of his character arc in TMAAF came naturally. He realized that still being alive meant that he could change things going forward, and that he was first and foremost a sect leader; he was still responsible for the people in his care, and decided that had no right to shut himself away from them while he still held his position.

At the time, I noted that Nie Mingjue would likely have had a similar outlook in LXC’s place, but it was just a passing thought. And then I reread a few chapters of the novel, and stumbled across this passage:

The headless corpse lunged again. Lan XiChen had finally returned to his senses. Raising Liebing to his lips, he started to play as well.

Wei WuXian didn’t know if it was only his imagination, but as soon as the soft, serene tone of the xiao appeared, the corpse’s movement paused. For a moment, he seemed to have stood still and listened, then turned around, as though he wanted to see who was the one playing the music. Yet, without eyes or a head, he couldn’t see anything at all.

Much like Lan Wangji did with Wei Wuxian, Nie Mingjue recognized Lan Xichen through his music. But Lan Xichen played Liebing in his presence when Nie Mingjue was a) dead b) unable to see or hear him, even in whatever limited way a fierce corpse might be capable of using its senses, and c) missing his head, and Nie Mingjue paused in his search for his own head because he knew someone he held dear was close by. 

Even brainless, and dead, Nie Mingjue’s body could sense Lan Xichen’s spiritual power and hold himself back from attacking him.

That was the first time I considered Nielan as a romantic pairing, as opposed to friendship, and then I finally realized that TMAAF’s Lan Xichen would never find a happy ending without Nie Mingjue.

Around then, I outlined the backstory of Nielan’s early childhood and the unwitting part they played in Wen Ruohan’s decision to take over the cultivation world (and wrote LXC a happy ending by having Nielan reunite as gods in the heavenly court)! After that, there was no going back. :P

[laur-rants]

Schrodinger’s Game Theory: The Fate of Daud

Ever come up with a theory, and then halfway through creating it, the evidence changes and so you’re stuck with a lot of well-put-together ideas but nowhere to go with it?

Anyway, I did that with Daud. Lol.

I just rediscovered a whole ass rant in my drafts (which is now in the link above for private viewing and judgement PLS read it, if you’re missing some context to this post) that I clearly spent a lot of time and energy on, where I came to the conclusion that Daud in Death of the Outsider is actually a imposter/doppelganger, and it was because of the writing from the book contrasted the writing in DotO so poorly, that I came to believe this. I was like, VERY convinced prior to Billie’s book coming out that this was, in fact, a viable game theory. !00%. There was a chance that out there, somewhere, Daud was still stuck in his mind, and needed someone to come rescue him. Stranger things have happened to explain characters coming back from the dead in a video game, okay?

Somewhere along the line, though, it stopped being game theory and was more like, a fan idea. I had collected enough evidence to come to the conclusion that my theory wasn’t sound. That, and Billie’s book released, and there’s no way I could argue that. Instead, imposter!Daud moved to Fan Theory, something I could fictionally, write about, put into an AU.

But... Just because it’s probably not true in the scheme of the game doesn’t stop me from thinking about it, from wanting to talk and share those ideas with others. Even if, at the end of the day, they hold no water and it wouldn't matter because, well. If Billie’s book is to be considered post-DotO canon, then there’s no reason to believe my theory would hold weight. It wouldnt matter, because Daud well, he was left for dead either way. Nobody was coming to rescue him. I’m sure there’s plenty of questions people have in response to this, the most chief one being

“If its not Daud how is he in the Void talking to the Outsider and Billie at the end of DotO??”

And my usual response is: the end of Return of Daud saw Daud becoming trapped within his own mind, through a trap laid by witches from the very beginning of the book. That meant, even if his physical body was still, well, physical, he was trapped inside his mind.

I proposed that out of survival, well, a sliver of his mind would hole itself up in the Void, maybe even be stuck there (this is not so uncommon as it appears; think of what happened to Jessamine in the Heart). Once the spell on his mind and the Outsider were gone, the sliver could return back to his mind. And he’d still be alive.

From a gamer perspective, looking at the mechanics of the game, and everything else, it makes sense. I’m sure some people would say this theory would ‘cheapen Daud’s death’ and I would refute that by simply saying ‘all of DotO cheapened Daud’s death, and despite being a playable character in the franchise he dies unceremoniously off screen and we just take Billie’s word for his death to heart.’ Nothing cheapens a death faster in my head than ‘time to renege on this character’s entire past arch and have him die off-screen.’ His death was ruined far before they went into the Void. If anything, this would give Daud a change to explain himself. 

But I digress. I actually did do a stupid amount of research on this. And what it all really boils down to is that there was bad writing involved in DotO when it came to timeline consistency and quality checkers not checking for that, + the book having been rewritten like, twice, to keep up with what Arkane was changing in DotO in real time.

That’s post marked 9/25/18. I’ve had this theory sitting around for a long time. I enjoyed it. I find it compelling. But ultimately, it was me trying to save Daud, in my mind. Would it be cool for the witches to have stolen Daud, replaced him with a dummy body Eyeless/Envisioned, given that dummy body his memories, and then, when it had outlived it’s usefulness of sending Billie astray, the magic broke and it perished? Hell yeah it would have been cool. and honestly, according to the books, it was a viable option! They could do all those things. You can’t tell me that

Billie can steal faces,

Emily can create copies and

They witches had access to a gemstone that can make prisoners of their own mind/see the thoughts of others,

and NOT immediately think that they’d try and replicate one of the strongest Marked to ever live. The one that TRAPPED DELILAH, no less. And because the witches messed with Daud’s dreams at the beginning of the book (it’s subtle, but its there, its like, you see it on the reread sort of thing), that’s the whole reason he thinks the Outsider is supposed to die, so of course the double would fervently believe the singular obsession that brought Daud into a trap in the first place...

I’m digressing again. Anyway.

What does this mean for Dear old Daud?

It means Daud canonically died, and it was shitty and poorly written and I’ll be salty about that until the day I die because some schmuck on twitter wrote one singular essay and Harvey Smith decided ‘you. you’re the one who needs to write this story’ and then we got Corvosider fanfic in a Dishonored game and I wanted to die. It doesn’t help that this writer was notoriously pretentious and shit-stirring in the fandom at-large BEFORE their hiring-- anyway, this isn’t a salt piece on that. I AM SALTY ABOUT IT, but I’m not the person to discuss it at length. Just know that that’s why some of the narrative decisions in DotO are so out of fucking whack, and we all have to deal with it.

MOVING ON....

There is still... a very slim chance. To save Daud.

Realistically speaking, this chance will never occur. It’s clear and obvious that Arkane has no plans on returning to the Dishonored universe, so despite all these loose ends that Arkane left and all these pieces that need to be picked up and all this lore that’s been reneged on, there’s really not much of a chance that we’ll see, say, Billie, return in a game that is specifically designed to save the timelines. Which, honestly, would be fucking baller. I want a game where I play as Billie, where the shattered timespace of Dunwall is saved by her capable hand, and Emily is free to rule for decades without having to fear that the Isles will fall into the Void like it’s Deimos falling into Hell in DOOM. We KNOW the timelines are saved because we KNOW that Emily has a long and Just (or unjust, if you went high chaos lol) Rule over the kingdom. That can’t happen if, just three years down the line, Billy is running all over the place trying to make sure time doesn’t break at the seams.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Because of how Daud meets Billie in RoD, we know that a Billie three years into the future (’YOUR future,’ she tells him) is trying to save his life. There are other timelines she’s saved already, for sure. Including saving Daud in the past, saving Corvo and Emily in the past, saving Granny Rags in the past -- basically, saving all the Marked from coming to an untimely end. And then, after all that, she goes back in time and tries to save Daud, tries to save him from being poisoned by witch magic and falling into a trap that is triggered when he touches her Future version of the Twin-bladed Knife. She goes through a sort of Groundhog Day scenario, where she confesses that she’s tried hundreds of times to save him, and she couldn’t save that Daud.

But why show us Billie failing to save Daud, if she was destined for failure? Because, eventually, she must succeed.

And therein lies Daud’s (potential) salvation. Is it realizing the other Daud is an imposter? Well... let’s think of it this way. Is the Billie who regained her arm and eye an ‘imposter’ where the ‘real’ Billie is in a timeline where she lost those body parts? Is the Aramis Stilton who went mad in the basement of his mansion the imposter? Or is it the one that Emily saved and was able to keep lucid? These people aren’t ‘imposters’ to their timelines, but they kind of are to the timelines that are saved. Which means DotO could be an entirely separate ‘timeline’, one that we manage to play through and see the ending of. But the ‘true timeline’ may never be known. But at least, we know it happens, and we have Billie to thank for that.

FIN.

[daydreaming-in-letters]

Hello! I’m popping by to tell you I just finished Daughter Of The Sea and I am completely blown away. I loved it so much. I can’t even find any eloquent words to say how much I adored Geralt and Naiya together. Their love was so pure, and even with what little build up to their backstory their was, it never felt forced. So true, beautiful, and deep. Damn it was good. One of the best stories I’ve ever read, easy 💖

Wow...this...um...just wow. I needed a while to figure out how to respond to this and put into words how much this means to me, but I fear I might never manage to compose an appropriate answer.

But let me try and start by telling you where I stood as a writer by the end of 2021. My journey here began in March, I finally found the courage to post my first piece of writing on tumblr. I had been writing ever since I was 14, just for my own amusement. I never shared any of it with anyone and I was fine with that. Encouraged though by all the wonderful fanfiction I found here, I finally thought I'd give it a shot. I remember how hopeful I was in the beginning. Hopeful I would become part of a community, maybe even find some friends and get some feedback on my writing.

Well, that worked out partly, I'd say. And I'm immensely grateful for all the positivity and love I found here. Alas, in December I was in a very bad place with my writing. There were hardly any reblogs or comments on any of my fics, which baffled me a little, as followers kept increasing and people asked about being added to taglists. I had just put out a story that personally meant a lot to me and seeing that it didn't really resonate with people broke my heart. I know these things do happen, but still, a few days before Christmas, I hit rock bottom. I had decided to stop posting in the new year because I just didn't see the point any more. I will never quit writing, I'm sure of that, but it seemed stupid to keep on sharing my work with a crowd that was mostly silent when my reason for posting first and foremost had been to get into contact with people.

So, I wrote a goodbye note and saved it to my drafts, decided to post the last two one shots I had finished and leave. But then something happened, my personal Christmas miracle, one could say. I published "Too Long" and suddenly reblogs and comments kept flooding in. I'm aware it's not due to my amazing talent and that I have to thank the release of the new Witcher season for the interest, but all the lovely comments I received changed my mind over the past weeks and—at least for now—I chose to stay.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, first and foremost I wanted you to get a glimpse of what a message like this means to me. It didn't only make my day, it made my whole week, most likely even my month. Especially "Daughter Of The Sea" is very close to my heart and to see that other people can connect to it and love these two together as much as I do, makes my little writer's heart jump with joy.

And secondly, I would like to use this as an opportunity to show all the readers out there how essential their feedback is to us content creators. I know that I'm by far not the only content creator on here who made this experience and even very popular writers seem to receive less and less feedback for their amazing work. So please, if you want to keep this community alive, if you want to keep enjoying free content in the future, if you care about the fact that we are people and not content creating machines, please consider leaving us some feedback or at least reblog our hard work so more people will able to see it.

And lastly, I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to hit the reblog button or leave a comment on my stories. Especially those who frequently do so. I see you, all of you, and your feedback is what keeps me going. Whenever times are rough, I come back to my old fics and reread all the notes you left for me and it never fails to get me back on track. There are comments that make me laugh out loud even after reading them a hundred times, there are those who touch me, some so deeply that they make me cry happy tears, and there isn't one among them, however short it may be, that doesn't spark a smile on my face.

So please, keep up the good work and don't be shy. You can send me an ask—anon or not—and come to my DMs anytime. I'm happy to talk to each and every one of you.

[tsskyx]

Unmeta

You know what’s ridiculous? This post was originally supposed to be an essay, an entire thesis backed with unshakable logic that I wanted to become my magnum opus. But as it turns out, I’m pretty terrible at doing that sort of thing. The first day I’m full of enthusiasm, while the next day I reread what I wrote and I delete it all again. It’s terrible.

For this reason, I’ve decided to just start with the opinion part. Instead of laying out the facts and easing the reader into it, I’ll just blurt everything out in one go. Instead of neatly organizing everything, I’ll write my thoughts as they come to me.

(Update for 2/Oct/2021: I no longer remember when I made the first draft of this post. Maybe it was in 2018, maybe even as early as 2017. Who knows. This post existed in my drafts since forever. It is time to finally publish it. It contains very little information, very little evidence for anything or logic or facts, it’s just a one big opinion piece that I began writing years ago out of frustration. Frustration not aimed at the game itself, nor at Toby or anyone else, but at my inability to decouple the “meta” from Undertale and thus causing me to disassociate from the characters that I loved, when I didn’t plan to do so. All I ever wanted is to make sense of the Undertale world, instead of giving its inhabitants a meta-existential dread. In a nutshell, for the Undertale world to be self-contained, the 4th wall must stay intact, and the mechanics of the UT world mustn’t resemble a video game. That’s basically the gist of this post. Proceed with reading.)

You know Undertale meta? All the 4th wall breaking stuff and whatnot? The stuff that makes the game so awesome?

What about it you say?

It’s not real. I don’t think it is. It cannot be.

Tell me, has Undertale personally impacted you? Was it more than just a game to you? I know for a fact that for many people, it was much more than that. So tell me, is it fine by you that despite presenting itself in this way to us, it still sort of cops out of this at the very end? (By which I mean, when we learn that we aren’t Frisk. That we’re just someone controlling them.)

Some say that this cop-out, this act of “disassociation”, is necessary for our psychological journey to end. And I agree. We cannot dwell on this forever, else we lose our minds. But what I meant is something much more... materialistic.

Let’s take Oneshot, a game that’s arguably even more meta than Undertale. Oneshot embraces the 4th wall. It labels us a god. It portrays the game itself as an in-game machine. And yet, it feels real. Despite all this ridiculousness, the story feels real and possible. Kind of like The Matrix. Perhaps think of everyone in Oneshot except for the main character as a Matrix program, while Niko is the only user hooked up to it. It still feels real, because Niko is real, because there exists a real world they can to return to.

But Undertale floats somewhere between being real and being a fairy tale, a mere bedtime story. The reason is its lax handling of the 4th wall. Say, if Undertale were to be considered a “real” possibility, as in, entirely fictional, but still believable, kinda like The Matrix, kinda like any science fiction, or just fiction in general, what would it be like?

I’ll tell you, everything would have to be real, everything would have to look exactly how we see it. There’d need to be turns, there’d need to be save files, there’d need to be so many bizarre things, it probably wouldn’t take long before the NPCs themselves realized their own nonexistence, probably around the time they developed computers and video games. It’d be so similar, they’d have to be either stupid or under some kind of spell to not realize that their entire world is just one giant video game. Especially Flowey. Some say that he has already realized this, as his dialogue hints towards this. Which puts a super unfortunate spin on his condition. Furthermore, the entire game could be described through its Game Maker code. No need for laws of physics, just observe the if-else statements!

It would also mean that Frisk is controlled by a third unknown entity. If we were to take everything we do to Frisk at face value, it must all be them. Except... after a true reset, everything gets reset, even things about Frisk, such as them expecting the whoopee cushion prank. So... Frisk isn’t in control. But Chara isn’t either. Take for example the final fight against Asriel. Chara appeared pretty enthusiastic during it. What if someone were to reset the timeline during the fight? Either it wasn’t them who did so, or they were just pretending to be entertained, or perhaps they aren’t the narrator in the first place even.

No matter what, there will always be an instance where Frisk forgets, and where Chara doesn’t do something when they could have. Once you mess with the game enough, their personalities stop making sense.

This gradual breakdown of the narrative as I keep attacking the logic of it from every direction imaginable is a symptom of something far bigger. The fact that unlike The Matrix or Oneshot, there is no “real world” in this game. The virtual part of it is what the game is trying to make us focus on. It’s all there is. There is not even a hint of “another” world in the game, a world that wouldn’t be governed by these terrible rules. And even if there was one, even if you consider what Sans said to be that world, even if you considered Deltarune to be that world, there is still no guarantee that everything will be okay. What if the characters - your friends, aren’t real in this actual real world, what if they’re all just computer simulations? There’d have to be an entire population hooked up to a virtual reality for everyone to be “safe” as I’m putting it in this hypothetical real world, which sounds not only ridiculous, but like a direct ripoff of The Matrix.

The game has made Frisk the main character. Why, when making Sans the main one, the one who at least has a possibility of coming from a “real” real world, would be far more logical?

Because it lacks logic. Undertale is an experiment. Toby Fox is not a genius. He was just messing around, he didn’t think of literally every tiny little logical detail (contrary to what some individuals would like to think), he just explained enough for most of the story to make sense. But, no matter how you spin it, this fundamental flaw will always be there. The story tries to merge you and the protagonist, before disassociating you from them. Even if you always were disassociated from them, how can the in-game world be real, when other aspects of your reality weren’t disassociated yet? Where’s the disassociation for battles and turns, for save files and time travel, for stats and everything? How can Undertale claim to be complete, when it isn’t? ... Perhaps because it is not claiming to be. It’s an experiment after all. And I don’t mean “incomplete” as in a single update / new game can fix it. I mean the premise itself is already broken from the start. And while there are many fictional worlds which function on a similar level of meta, Undertale is the only one that appears to irk me mad. I don’t know why. Maybe I love the characters. Maybe I love them very much. Maybe I love them so much, that I wanna write a fan fiction about them. And maybe, just maybe, this tiny little issue is making this dream of mine impossible. Undertale is a story conveyed through game mechanics. Choosing any other medium breaks everything down and the author needs to invent their own rules. There’s simply no way around it. Unless someone has the balls to program a fan game of their own, there’s just no way to resolve this without adjusting the canon a little bit, to make it “a little bit more sensible” as some would put it. Just a small nudge, a lil’ nudgie wudgie to the canon mechanics AAAAAND we’re in fanon territory. Excellent, better go all out.

Here’s my head canon, my little “adjustment” of the canon rules. Thanks to it, I can once again think about Undertale as a real world, I no longer need to philosophize over the meta like I did above, I can all put it past me:

Saving, loading, resetting? Regular sci-fi time travel.

The save file? The parameters of the time machine.

LV and EXP? Another set of properties of the machine, though it could be properties of the soul too. I’m undecided on that note. But either works, that’s what’s important.

Chara destroying the world through LV? No, screw that, Chara merely tuned Frisk out. And the black void was the inside of their mind as Chara denied them access to their own body.

The intro? Literally never happened, no one “saw” it. (The past was still real. It’s just the intro that never existed.) The outro? Literally never physically occurred, Frisk wasn’t “stuck” on the ending credits, unable to go further, fuck that.

Flowey? No screw everything meta about Flowey, there exists a perfectly logical explanation to everything he says, and if not, such as in the genocide run with him hinting towards people watching but not acting... he never said that in the first place!

Same with turns, the battles don’t actually look that way, there are no turns, what Sans perceives and abuses as such is just an illusion, the actual battle against Sans is absolutely fluid. And him pausing at the end and not letting us go is him keeping his guard up, until falling asleep and giving us an opportunity to sneak near him and strike. We don’t need turns to explain it. And what he said about turns... just ignore it! Ignore everything that directly proves me wrong! Because resolving that fucking conundrum IS more important than being logically consistent, and you can’t change my mind on that. Screw logic when the foundation of the entire fandom, of every UT-related fiction, is at stake here.

And I shall call this philosophy... the Unmeta. Because it attempts to undo the meta. Hence, “unmeta” for short.

[baragakiscans]

Firstly, sorry for losing the post to your ask! Tumblr shitty UI stuff happened and I accidentally deleted the draft TvT (they should make an option for asks to reappear if the draft answer got deleted or sth smh)

Secondly, IM SO SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG POST AAAAA

I tried to keep the explanations short like I did for Saraba (even that was pretty long) but then the more I tried the longer it became, and in the end what was supposed to be my take on like 2 pages of this book became this extremely long in-depth analysis of the entire book  _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_  But I mean, I’ve agonised over the translations for this book for almost half a year and I have Lots of Feelings about it because GOD I LOVE THIS BOOK

Anyway, Makkura is another one of those books with a lot of hidden layers that can be unpacked from the story with multiple rereads. Unlike Saraba where some things were intentionally left open to interpretation (I think), though, this book is slightly more straightforward, and I’d like to offer my take on the story.

Long post and Makkura spoilers below the cut!

At the beginning of the story, Gintoki and Hijikata were already dating (secretly-but-not-so-secretly). They’ve clearly been dating for a while now; Hijikata coming over to Gintoki’s place to stay the night (though he’d usually be gone by morning), mayonnaise in the Yorozuya fridge, etc… Though their displays of affection were rather subdued, to the onlooker (and everyone else around them) these two idiots were so obviously crazy in love with each other 💕💕 However, there is something that seems a little… off about their relationship, and this something would have continued lurking in the shadows…

The beginning of the end…?

…Had Gintoki not lost all of his memories of his relationship with Hijikata. Gone was the man who would become agitated at the mere thought of his beloved going into danger; the man before Hijikata now barely knew him, and the thought of dating the Demon Vice Commander would never have crossed his mind.

Imagine waking up to find out that your boyfriend has forgotten all about his relationship with you and makes THIS face at the mere thought of shacking up with you

What Hijikata did next may seem illogical at first (and don’t get me wrong, it really is), but it makes a bit more sense once you realise what exactly was off about their relationship.

You see, Hijikata didn’t think that he was good enough for Gintoki.

If you’re familiar with Syaku’s works, you may have noticed a particular trope being rather common: Hijikata and/or Gintoki falling in love with the other, yet not taking the step forward because they were afraid of getting in the way of the other’s creed—to protect.

Looks familiar? ;)

In Makkura, they did manage to take that step forward (regardless of who made that step first), but even so, there’s always been a niggling doubt somewhere in the back of Hijikata’s mind that maybe—just maybe—Gintoki would be better off without him. Hijikata would do everything in his power to protect the Shinsengumi, and he knows that Gintoki would do the same to protect those he holds dear. It just didn’t occur to him that he was one of them, too. Instead, he was afraid of Gintoki straying from his path because of him.

Gintoki losing his memories was like a wake-up call to Hijikata, that his relationship with Gintoki was too good to be true—and if it will all come to an end eventually anyway, then he should be the one to pull the plug first, especially since the perfect opportunity to reset everything to a clean state has presented itself. He pretended that nothing happened between the two of them. He told Gintoki to “Forget about all this. Everything.” He tried to convince himself that he should make a clean break and completely remove himself from Gintoki’s life, and be content with merely watching from afar.

Maybe Hijikata thought that since he and Gintoki never confirmed their relationship, the people around them will just shrug it off, or won’t notice the change in behaviour. But needless to say, everyone around them immediately noticed that something was wrong. And they even had Hijikata’s inner thoughts all figured out.

The Shinsengumi members know their vice commander too well XD

Even Gintoki himself had managed to put two and two together, but he just couldn’t figure out why he fell in love with the man with whom he always fights like cats and dogs. And since Hijikata himself was so adamant on nothing happening, all he could do was watch as the man-who-is-apparently-his-lover-but-he-somehow-forgot told him to stay out of his way. That’s why, it’s up to everyone else to restore Gintoki’s memories and get these two idiots back together.

While the Yorozuya kids were scrambling to find the antidote, Hijikata opted to go down the slippery slope of self-abandonment by meeting the pervert Bakufu official despite knowing full well what might happen to him. He thought it was all for the sake of the Shinsengumi, but seeing Gintoki down the hallway jolted him back to his senses and made him realise just how wrong he was. He realised the reason why he was actually doing this—to see if Gintoki would come to his aid, to see if Gintoki was still the man he knows and love. He realised that he doesn’t want to give his body to anyone anymore—anyone else, that is. He realised just how truly madly deeply in love he was with Gintoki.

What indeed…

By the time he realised this, though, it already seemed too late; it didn’t seem like Gintoki was going to save him. So, he resolved to keep his memories of Gintoki as a happy dream, and was ready to succumb to despair—when Gintoki finally comes to the rescue! (Not sure if Yamazaki didn’t press the button on purpose here) Of course, Gintoki was pissed off that Hijikata would do something this reckless. So he told Hijikata, “You should treasure yourself more…” (BTW, the original Japanese really only had “You should _______ more…”, I had to fill in the blanks) That’s when Hijikata realised that he was right all along; Gintoki hasn’t changed, even without Hijikata’s memories. And that’s all he needed to know.

And over in this exhibit we have the exact moment when Gintoki fell in love all over again

Right when Gintoki was about to profess his love say something to Hijikata, the kids finally arrive with the antidote! And Sougo even figured out that Gintoki doesn’t really need the antidote anymore since he’s in back in love with Hijikata XD But of course Gintoki wants to remember. Of course he wants to remember all about his time together with the man he now knows he loves. He drinks the antidote—

Ohhhh boy shit’s about to go DOWN

—And we arrive at the emotional climax of the story. Gintoki’s furious—Of course he would be; his lover just tried to erase himself from his life, thinking that it was for his sake! Gintoki thought that Hijikata had underestimated him—in a way, he’s right; Hijikata had underestimated just how much Gintoki needs him. He knew that Gintoki loves him, but he also thought that Gintoki should forsake him for the sake of those he wants to protect.

That’s why Gintoki let Hijikata know just how much he means to him. He has already come to know all of him, so he can’t ever bring himself to let him go. That’s when Hijikata started to realise that he was wrong about Gintoki, and wrong about himself. He meant much more to Gintoki than he ever thought he did.

This led to the one exchange that I wrote out this entire analysis for—

Did I really write 1800 words just for this? Yes. Yes I did.

If Hijikata really meant so much to him, then does that mean Gintoki would have tried to erase himself from Hijikata’s world for his sake, too? Gintoki doesn’t think so, but that’s after everything that has happened so far. Who’s to say he wouldn’t do it if their positions really were reversed at the beginning of the story? They both know that, because they both hold on so dearly to the same beliefs, the same pride.

That led to Gintoki throwing the question back at Hijikata—does that mean Hijikata would fall in love with Gintoki again even without his memories, just like Gintoki did? In asking this, Gintoki was telling Hijikata that, even if he were to do the same, deep down, he would still want Hijikata to fall in love with him again. And that’s when Hijikata realised—it was the same for him, too.

At that point, the two of them came to the same conclusion—neither of them can live without the other anymore. Yet, even if their positions were reversed, they would still have done the same. And even if that were to happen, they would still arrive at this same conclusion. They both love the other too much to let go; yet, they both love the other so much that they’d be willing to let go. Now that they both know this, their bond has become truly unbreakable.

Hijikata’s reply was therefore an affirmation—

“Even so, you’d have done the same. Even so, I’ll still fall in love with you.”

That’s just the way both of them are.

And so, at the end of the story, we now have Gintoki who wants Hijikata to know just how much he loves him (maybe becoming more possessive in the process?), and Hijikata who now knows just how much Gintoki loves him, and has come to forgive himself for loving him. Their relationship is one full of contradictions, yet no matter what happens, they will both find their way back to the place where they belong—in (or should I say on?) each other’s arms.

Look at the how much love there is in Hijikata’s eyes just LOOK AT IT AAAAA

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Makkura is one of my top Ginhiji doujins of all time! I really really hope that my translation managed to do it justice, and I hope my ramblings were coherent enough TvT 

If you’ve managed to read this far, do give Makkura a reread and you just might see it in a different light ;) Of course, my interpretation might be different from what Syaku intended to present, so feel free to come up with your own interpretations as well!

Also, halfway through writing this I found an analysis by @mugimarumaru over in the MRM comments section, so do check it out as well :>

Thank you for coming to my TED talk and hope you have a nice day~

(I wish I’d put in this much effort in my college essays)

- JJ

(P.S. The REAL question here: if their roles were reversed would that make it a Hijigin book 🤔🤔🤔)

[autumnslance]

Heyyy! I have a question! But first I would love to share how I love your work ^^! It's mostly why I come to you with this question... See, I uh- would love to have the courage to share my writing, and my OCs to the world. But I never found the courage to. Do you have any tips? Or do you know any good tags where I can show my work at, so that one day I will just "accidentally" press the submit button? ^^'

Thank you~!

Honestly, I still feel anxious about sharing my stories and blurbs. I still feel like my OCs are pretty basic and not super interesting for others to read about.

But they're my characters and I like them anyway, so I'll keep writing about them. Even if takes me time to put some things out. I've always needed to write and share what I write, and sometimes that need overwrites the fear and anxiety--but it can still be hard.

And you know me, this rambles, so have a cut--

I have a buncha prompts and Ao3 threads with an "unnamed generic WoL" that were in some ways me testing the waters, figuring out what worked. Eventually the "unnamed WoL" in those bits leaned more and more towards being Aeryn, until I was just now writing about my own WoL (and her friends) directly without apology. But even then...Even knowing people like my characters, even knowing people like my OC/NPC ship somehow, it can be a struggle

One reason I like prompts and challenges is they make me write something and post without dwelling too hard on it, in theory. That "Rak'tika Rendezvous" piece? I've been sitting on that for at least nine months. I have other WIPs and Drafts, some even older than that! Some are unfinished--and some I'm just too nervous to post, like that one, which was edited often and heavily revised at least once.

I could just leave my writing in a drawer or a doc folder on my hard drive--and for many years I did. I discovered fanfiction in my teens on some of the earliest sites and webrings in the 1990s. It was a different existence; I didn't have a home computer or know how to make accounts or post. I just wrote, having realized the stories I told in my head could actually exist on paper. Literally, at the time. But they also are all gone, not archived anywhere or saved where I can find them again.

Roleplaying helped me, in learning how to make characters and write about them, and then posting about them. Tabletop, LARP, and online, I've done it all. I got pretty good at editing chat logs into something readable, and sometimes even looking like a story. The forums and Livejournals they were posted on were meant for the specific communities I was in--friends catching up on story beats. My WoW server (Shadow Council) had a community-run website, RP-Haven, for years. I posted modified RP logs and stories about my WoW OCs there; a bit more open than my immediate RP group/guild, but still people whose interests I knew were somewhat shared. So the move to posting on Tumblr and Ao3 for me feels like another step, for a wider audience of people who inexplicably like what I write about. It's been mostly positive in my experience, but I write fairly innocuous stuff and my audience is still pretty small and contained.

The internet has changed over time, so any baby steps process will be different. On Tumblr, sharing writing is a lot of knowing how the Search and Tag functions work. So far as I know you can keep something in Drafts indefinitely, until you're ready to hit that "Post" button. Tags should be simple, direct, and consistent, and only the first 5 show up in the general tag search (though can pull up on your blog easily when going to that tag). Which is why I always go "Final Fantasy XIV", "whatever challenge I'm doing", "NPC Name", "own writing tags", etc. I end up following and getting followed thanks to the FFXIVWrite challenges in the last 3 years, where we're all throwing down whatever springs to mind within a 24 hour deadline to break those anxiety-induced perfectionist habits that keep people from posting. Many folks rewrite/revise their entries later, too, because why not?

On Ao3 a draft can only exist for a certain amount of time, before it auto-deletes or you have to post it to save it from oblivion. I don't know if changing the draft extends that deadline; I don't tend to save things in drafts in Ao3, keeping those in GoogleDocs. Knowing tagging on Ao3 is also a thing (I've yet to figure out as fully). Sometimes I'll share a draft from Gdocs with a friend or two for feedback and encouragement before posting ("That Green Umbral Wind" was one, and "Please" was because hooboy).

Pillowfort is a lot like Tumblr, but has features like making a post non-rebloggable, and also any edits to the post reflect in reblogs. There's a bit more control of one's posts there. Also communities, which are like collectively following a public feed people can post or reblog directly to. Pillowfort's also still smaller/less used than Tumblr, and gives out invite keys regularly. Sometimes starting small, with more controls over how it's seen and shared, can help with the anxiety.

I'm also in a largish writing Discord where there are channels for sharing snippets of one's writing, and people can react with emojis and discuss it in the related channels. That's always nice for feedback, for brainstorming, for encouragement. There are even rules now about self-deprecating and putting down your own work--it doesn't help you or anyone else to put yourself and your writing down. We're all learning and growing the more we practice and try new things, like any other art.

You can only get better by keeping on writing, but there's only so far you can get without any feedback. Even if it's just a Like/Kudos, someone read and cared. Comments and tags like "I like this line" or "I love you wrote X part" or "I like how they interact" can really help figure out your strengths, maybe what of the other bits could be worked on more, and of course bolster the confidence to simply keep posting. Trusted friends or finding good beta readers to ping things off of can make a difference, depending on how you write.

But in the end, it's making the love of your OCs and wanting to write matter more than that fear/anxiety. Giving yourself the freedom to make changes when needed, to know it's not written in stone and can be edited, or even rewritten and reposted when you know you can do it better--I see it often. Sometimes you sit on something for awhile tweaking it until it's ready, sometimes you yeet a new piece into the void as soon as you finish typing.

Knowing that if nothing else, on a day when you need to, you can go to that page on your device and reread that thing you posted and remember you still love your characters, even years later, and maybe even think of something new to write for them.

[sleepymarmot]

Re-liveblog: eps. 4 & 10

Here's something I've been planning to do for a while -- rereading the liveblog of The Untamed I wrote a couple of months ago and looking at my own initial reactions to Jin Guangyao's storyline with new eyes. Returning to old liveblogs is always fun, but particularly when the perspective on something changes so much by the end of the story!

Of course, this turned into a monstrosity with word count in thousands that sat in my drafts for about a month, and involved rewatching most of the scenes the liveblog mentioned, and some that it didn't. Please be warned: this series of posts is not meant to be a comprehensive analysis, and will jump from one point to another or highlight only the things I have changed my mind about, or haven’t talked on this blog before. It is going to include some very personal interpretations and opinions, sometimes possibly (or definitely, in the case of this very post) unpopular or negative. I am here to reflect on my own experience of watching the show almost as much as to write meta about the show itself.

[All re-liveblog posts]

[ep 4]

is this shy illegitimate son the same person who summoned WWX in the first episode, or are they two entirely unrelated bastards? I don’t think the ages match up…

Oh, so that's what I was thinking during Meng Yao's introduction scene: trying to figure out whether he was the same person as Mo Xuanyu or not. That's funny.

[negativity ahead!]

Of course, I was also admiring Xichen's elegant way of Using His Privilege For Good, but I thought that was self-explanatory enough not to put in the liveblog. It didn’t occur to me this scene could be interpreted as a sect leader openly hitting on a disadvantaged youth, or that such an interpretation would be popular, especially in a literal and positive way as opposed to a dark or subversive headcanon. So even if this is ever confirmed to be an intended message of the scene, I’d just say “I recognize the council has made a decision...” and continue to disregard it. Kind of incredible how it manages to squick me in at least five ways -- and xiayo is one of my main ships in this fandom! And not only squick -- in my eyes, sexualizing LXC’s intentions in this scene not only adds something that I don’t like, but actively detracts from the textual, surface meaning and narrative function of LXC’s actions (establishing LXC as a Model Authority Figure who masterfully manipulates the social power dynamics not for self-interest, but for justice, kindness, and peaceful conflict resolution; see also the following scene with the Wens). And from the other side, I think Meng Yao is shocked and impressed specifically because someone like LXC would do this for someone like him without an ulterior motive; I suspect that if he saw this as LXC making an excuse to touch someone attractive, he would only be turned off: a sect leader who can’t keep his hands to himself is nothing new and nothing good from the point of view of JGS’s illegitimate child.

But if this brief brushing of hands holds any in-universe significance in addition to a possible foreshadowing of this relationship’s future importance -- I think I just finally realized what it must be! This interaction is an adaptation of the following scene from the book (which, to be fair, happens when MY and LXC already know each other, not during a first meeting):

Meng Yao had been a famous joke for a certain period of time, which was why a few recognized him. Likely thinking that the son of a prostitute perhaps also carried some unclean things with him, the cultivators didn’t drink from the cups that he had presented with both hands. Instead, they put the cups to the side and even took out white handkerchiefs. As though it felt too uncomfortable, they repeatedly wiped the fingers that they’d touched the teacup with, either intentionally or not. Nie MingJue wasn’t someone mindful to such things. Wei WuXian, though, caught sight of this through the corners of his eyes. Meng Yao acted as if he didn’t see anything, his smile unfaltering as he continued to pass around tea.

As Lan XiChen accepted his cup, he looked up at him and smiled, “Thank you.”

He drank a sip of the tea immediately afterward. Only then did he continue to converse with Nie MingJue. A few cultivators began to feel uneasy as they saw the scene.

(Chapter 48)

So CQL!Meng Yao’s eyebrows twitch in pleased surprise because the sect leader not only personally approached to verbally support him, but took something directly from his hands, not even trying to avoid him or flinching at skin contact. As if it didn’t even occur to the majestic Zewu-jun to think of Meng Yao as dirty or disgusting.

I don’t know if this is an intended interpretation either, because I don’t remember anyone specifically avoiding physical contact with MY in the show, and on the contrary, there were examples of both friendly (from Huaisang) and unfriendly (from the commander) touch. But I certainly prefer it to the other interpretation, and ignoring the interaction altogether seems a bit intellectually dishonest.

[/negativity]

On another note, much is said about JGY’s performativity, but check out LXC’s! Someone’s being bullied in his classroom? Not on his watch! Time to descend from his pedestal like truth coming out of her well, Very Pointedly and at length explain how this person Has His Official And Personal Approval And Is Very Welcome Here, then take the gift from him personally instead of letting a disciple do that. Note how in the following scene, he also personally accepts the gift from Wen Qing as a peacemaking gesture. I love how LXC’s character establishing event is about defusing not one but two uncomfortable situations in a row. Of the two brothers, all social skills went to him...

I have no comment on the goodbye scene. Just sadness.

Oh wait, after rewatching the entire show and coming back to the post, I do have something to say. This episode is the only time I can say with all certainty that all of Meng Yao’s words and reactions are fully sincere. After this point in the timeline, it will never happen again. :(

It’s a shame that the gifs I’ve seen of this scene end with the iconic stopped bow, because the final shots are also great! As soon as MY turns away, his face becomes clouded again, and seconds after the Sect Leader himself held his arms and assured they were peers, he felt the need to bow and lower his eyes as some unnamed disciples walked by. And the bitter look he sends after them tells the viewer how much he is aware of falling from the dreamland where a nobleman would compliment him like three times within three minutes, back to the regular life where it is better not to be noticed at all. Meanwhile, Xichen looks him in the back like “I want it to grow strong and healthy, I want to tell my friends and neighbors about it”.

[ep 10]

Alright, when 10 minutes ago I thought “Meng Yao, sweetie, kill that clown”, this is not what I had in mind

SOMEBODY GIVE MENG YAO A HUG (after some emergency medical care) HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE. Can Xichen adopt him now?

Ah, the joys of the first viewing. 

At this point, I was thinking of both Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue exclusively as of father figures for Meng Yao. For LXC I think I slowly started to notice the romantic tension later but made a complete flip to the romantic interpretation only during the "late light talks... no sign of curse on his body" conversation. For NMJ it was during the head flashback. And as much as I like these pairings, it does feel like a loss that their existence displaces the very different pseudo-family dynamic. I think a story in which NMJ, LXC, WRH and JGS are all openly presented as competing father figures would be interesting; has anyone written that?

On rewatch, I was outraged by all of the blatant manipulation that I bought completely on the first viewing. MY is very good at playing a wounded bird -- especially when he's literally wounded. I had wondered why he just limped away without treating it, but now it's obvious he is using Stoic Suffering to invoke pity and admiration. Just like, a few minutes earlier, he showed NMJ that he was ready to be struck down, and it saved his life. He tells NHS with a sad but brave face “I won't be able to take care of you anymore” and on first viewing it worked on me just as he intended -- I thought “Poor boy, so trained to serve, he puts his duty to others above his own feelings even in this situation”. Ha...

And NMJ is only helping his case. He had the chance to explain everything and share the truth of MY's actions. And in the novel, he does take this chance, retelling the incident to Xichen (who chooses to turn a blind eye). Instead, NMJ basically confirms MY’s narrative: by hiding the reason for the exile, he makes it seem like there was no respectable reason at all. NMJ, all by himself, makes himself look like an irrational tyrant, and MY like a victim of an arbitrariness. And he does it in front of Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, no less -- an heir to a major clan and his brother! By trying not to discuss internal problems with outsiders, he achieves an opposite effect. Luckily for him, JC and WWX don't give a shit... But imagine how different the plot would be if they had this information from the start?

What I still don't understand is -- what was Meng Yao’s plan in this episode? Who was he working for? Who was his accomplice, whose feet we saw in the later flasback -- surely not Xue Yang himself, he’s supposed to be under arrest! Was he working with the Jin secretly already? (I don’t think so: in a later scene, JGS asks him about this incident, seemingly ignorant.) Or with the Wen (I don't remember -- did Xue Yang go back to the Wen afterwards)? Or just with Xue Yang directly, setting him completely free just on the promise of future cooperation? This seems most plausible -- but to risk and lose everything over such an uncertain gamble doesn’t make MY look very smart.

I have some other things to say about the events of this episode, but they’ll be in the post about the flashbacks in episode 41.

[isaksforelsket]

Since you’re rereading tosf, what are your favourites parts from that fic? 💗

The Oceans Shall Freeze

Must I choose? Can’t I say I adore the entire fic?

BUT here are a few parts that I genuinely love:

Even pulling his fur over Isak’s head and protecting him from all the sounds on the boat the night he was taken. (”Isak started to cry at the sound and he tried to muffle it with his hands but Even heard. Through his cloak, he covered Isak’s ears with his hands.“)

Even saving Isak from the bear trap and Isak being scared of Even taking the quilt from him and clenching it tightly and Even had to uncurl his fingers from it!!! The cutest, sweetest thing, this Isak was so so soft. (”When Even reached out to grab his hand, Isak jumped, thinking he meant to rip his small comfort away. Even only gently uncurled one shaking hand from the cloth before pulling it to his chest and wrapping it in gauze.”)

“Isak clung to him, ashamedly taking comfort from his captor once again. Dully, he noted that he had never heard Even plead for anything before. But he had pleaded for Isak not to cry.” - Stab me in the chest and rip my heart out, why don’t you? I don’t know why, but when a character pleads for their partner to please not cry, it makes my heart clench. It’s such a specific thing that I adore in fics but it’s one of my faves. 

Even associating Sol with Isak while teaching him to read. My God sir, you are one romantic fuck and I love you. (”The second letter of your name. The sun melts the iciness of it,” Even told him. “That is why your hair is so golden.”)

The event at the tavern. It was very dark, but Even protecting Isak, and while all these crude words were spoken to him he was whispering about how he’ll protect him and kill anyone that even looks at him the wrong way. (“I would like to hear him whimpering...” “I would cut off his ears if he tried.”; “...Besides, a thrall like this simply needs bending over and fucking.“ “If anybody touches you I will chop their hands off.”)

The comfort after the tavern, particularly the hug. I just.... The sweetest, most precious thing ever. (”The words broke Isak; he moved forward, his arms circling around Even’s waist, his head pressed into his chest.“)

The entire scene after Isak escapes and the men leave him outside of Even’s hut. Literally all of it. Even cutting the ropes. Isak calling the place his home. Even comforting him and holding him close. Yes, yes, yes. (”“You are safe,” he told Isak again, though the boy did not stir. The only sound between them was Isak’s fractured breaths and the crackle of the fire beside them.”)

Even calling Isak Lille Sol for the first time, and every other time he did it. *chefs kiss* (““Come on, Lille  Sol. ” Isak did not know why Even was calling him that, but he turned around at the moniker. “)

THE FIRST KISS!!! Holy fuck, that moment. Wow. Even gripping his chin??? Isak thinking that he doesn’t want him but then Even grips his thighs and picks him up?? Isak closing his lips cause he didn’t want to appear too eager??? Both of them being hard and grinding against each other?? Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Yes. (”He waited to see if Even would strike him; he shuddered with something like fear when he saw Even raise his hand, but he simply gripped at his jaw and tilted Isak’s head higher.”)

This sentence, that’s it: “Every inch of skin Isak allowed Even to touch was a privilege, no patch taken for granted. If Isak decided that he did not want Even’s hands on him anymore, Even would only say, “Thank you.” for all the times he had.”

And this sentence, wow: “If Isak chose to slit his throat, Even would probably hold still so he could get a clean cut.“

Honestly, the entire scene of this shaving thing. It was so hot, and so fucking good, and then the end made me real sad but let’s ignore that. (”He held Isak’s hips in both hands and grinded upwards. When the head of his cock caught on Isak’s hole he heard Isak cry out and he felt his hips stutter.”)

Isak thinking he’s not experienced enough for Even. I don’t know why. I just love it. (”“I believe he thinks I am beautiful but maybe it is not enough. Maybe he desires someone who… who understands how to please him.”“)

The hug after Even agreed to go to Jolablot. So precious. (”“It was for you,” Even admitted, his voice deep but soft in the quiet of the homestead. Isak’s heart in his chest threatened to overpower Even’s voice when he said, “It is always for you.””)

Honestly, the entire thing after Jolablot. Elias grabbing Isak and Even killing him, Even picking Isak up and carrying him home. Taking care of him and washing him. It was beautifully written and I adore it. I’m a whore for hurt/comfort, and this fic delivered. (”“Calm, Lille Sol. I am right here. You are safe,” Even soothed, wiping his wet cheeks, and then kissing them as he forced out apologies through tears. Although Isak was sure the rest of his body needed scrubbing more than his face, Even insistently wiped at Isak’s face, catching all the tears until Isak stilled again, limp.”)

Isak taking hot baths after what happened and Even trying to get him to stop, but particularly this moment, purely because it makes my heart clench: “If Isak had been in a right frame of mind he would have yelled back like he usually did but with his heart delicate from Even’s absence, he had not been able to stop himself from bursting into tears.“

The first sex scene. I’m a whore for smut, and this was beautiful. Sweet, hot, intimate, oh and did I mention hot? (”“I think I’ll keep you like this forever,” Even sad breathlessly, like it was a secret between the two of them, “You’ll stay in my bed and you’ll never wear clothes because you’ll always be full of me. I’ll keep you happy every day and fuck you every night, I swear to the Gods.””)

Isak being there for Even when he’s depressed. So sweet. (”“Well,” Isak floundered for a moment, “You are a great warrior and deserve to go to Valhalla but I am not. And I wish to be with you forever so Helgafjell will have to do.””)

Even comforting Isak after he tells him his mom killed herself. (“”Oh Min Sol,” Even said as he pulled Isak into his arms. “It was not your fault, none of it was your fault.””)

The whole scene where Jonas and Isak talk about God. We stan two idiot friends. (”“I’m not young ,” Isak spat out the word like a slur. “And that’s foolish. Is your God going to fuck you on his cock? Or allow you to fuck him? Will your God hold you at night? Only a person can do that.””)

Honestly.... Kind of the entire argument before Isak falls through the ice. I like things that make my heart hurt and make me cry, it was so good. And the comfort afterwards, Even saving him and taking care of him. (”Even’s body next to him felt more familiar than his own. He pushed back against it, wrapped the strong arms around his chest, murmured never let go. But he was not fully conscious, did not know if he was saying it or only thinking it.”)

Even saying this and making me cry: “But you are better than any God, because you are here. I can see you, and feel you. I can taste you. And that makes you more remarkable than brave Tyr or blind Höðr or any of the other faceless men that we are told as children to believe in.”

Even and Isak watching the Northern Lights!!! Yes!! It’s fun and sweet and I love their interactions together. And them having sex in the snow!! Wow, amazing. (”Isak felt a rush of blood to his cock and he grabbed Even’s furs, pulling him on top of him. “If you are scared of the lights, watch my face only as you thrust into me,” he told Even. Even’s face twisted in pleasure, and he leaned down to kiss him.”)

And can I just say, from the draft that they posted, Isak and Even having sex and Even making sure that Isak moans loudly so that Chris hears it and gets jealous. When Even sees Chris watching he starts talking about how he’s going to eat Isak out when they get home. Just.... Yes. Yes. I love it, I wish we got that, I wish we did. Amazing, showstopping, incredible.

And every other word that was written in this fic.

I genuinely don’t know how to show enough love and appreciation for this incredible fanfic. I wish I got the chance to tell the authors how much I love it while they were writing it, but I didn’t. So now all I can do is constantly talk about it until I become a stan account just for this fic. It was a gift, it really was. And so where the authors that wrote it, they were both so incredibly talented and I am grateful that we got to witness them create this work of art. I am so happy that I have had the privilege to read it and revel in the beauty of it.

[livvywrites]

11/11/11 tag game

Thanks @nightmares-and-fireflies for the tag!!! This is one of my favorite tag games because you can redo it as much as you want, basically 😂

Rules: Answer the 11 questions of the person who tagged you, make up 11 questions, then tag 11 people to answer them.

1. Do any of your characters have similar traits as you?

Of course! Pretty much all of my characters have similar traits to me. Take Talitha for instance—she gets my passion for history, my love of magic and magical settings, my ability to talk forever, and my love for my siblings.

2. What’s your favorite book? Why?

…I… I have to pick favorites???

Um. Okay so.

Favorite book I’ve read this year: the Tiffany Aching subseries of Discworld

Favorite book I read last year: The Enchanted Forests Chronicles, or The Dark Wife

Book I’ve reread the most: A Court of Mist and Fury

Book I’m reading right now: The Priory of the Orange Tree

And then I don’t think I could pick an all time favorite…

3. Something you dislike about an OC you have, if anything?

Yessss. Alinora is too self sacrificial; Elaena is too distant; Lyr is ignoring all of his problems; Ava spends too much time worrying about other people; Tali has decided to play with a curse; and Aishlynn won’t talk to her sister.

Obviously all of these things are the way they are ~for plot~ but that doesn’t mean they don’t frustrate me. I just want my babies to be happy!!

4. Something you like about an OC you have, if anything? (I hope so!)

I love Alinora’s determination and love for her people; Elaena’s adoration for her dad and mischievous spirit; Lyr’s protective nature and slight fear of the ladies in his life; Ava’s nurturing nature and ability to be scary af; Talitha’s passion and reckless spirit; and Aishlynn’s determination and strength.

5. Have one of your characters ever surprised you?

Yes!!! Alinora called herself Death’s Champion way before I expected; I had no idea her dad would turn out to be the spymaster, making her and Aish half-sisters; and I didn’t expect her to have such a fondness for mushrooms. I could probably talk about how each of them have surprised me but I won’t ;)

6. One genre you’d never read? Why?

I was going to say horror, but then I remembered I’m avid lurker on r/nosleep. Then I was going to say murder mysteries, but I HAVE read and enjoyed some. I don’t typically read published erotica (I use fanfic for that lbr) but I HAVE.

Ah!

Wait. I’ve got it. I know the genre I refuse to read. I don’t read romances + terminal illness. (Basically, anything Nicholas Sparks or similar.) I get that those are cathartic for some people but I have a deep, unending hate for the genre. (But no judgement to those who like them!!! I just could never read them.)

7. What are your current WIP(s)? If you have more than one, which is your favorite?

My main WIP is The Martyr Queen, the first in a series that details how a young woman who was never meant to exist stops Fate from destroying the universe. With a li’l help along the way.

My first completed draft—which needs a lot of rewriting—is Sapphire Dreaming, the first in a trilogy. It centers around a young woman who struggles to find her place in the world, and claim the birthright she’s dreamed of since she was a child.

Then I have two books in an active planning stage—Heart Eater and Overmorrow. Both are probably temporary titles.

Heart Eater focuses on a young woman with strong morals who kills abusers. Particularly those who evade the law, or have the money to do so. However, trouble is brewing in the criminal underworld and she has to team up with the government agent sent to stop her.

Overmorrow is a sci-fi story focusing on a princess desperate to retake her people’s homeworld; save her mother; and secure her place on a throne she’s never truly wanted.

8. Was there a specific moment that made you think “I want to be a writer”?

Not… really? I’ve always been enamored with stories and writing my own. In about 3rd grade I announced my dream on career day and… that was it, honestly. That’s all I’ve wanted to be since.

9. If you could live in any world (from a TV show/book/movie/etc.), which one?

Oh, jeez. This is a hard one tbh. Can I choose my own world??? Sometimes it feels like I half live in Eldora as it is.

10. Do you have a favorite writing playlist to keep you motivated?

Nope, unfortunately! I’ve been meaning to make one but… every novel playlist I’ve come up with I end up hating in 2 seconds. I don’t know if I’m just bad at them or too picky.

11. A piece of advice (about anything)?

Before you sit down to write a scene, have a concrete goal. Know where the scene is going. It will make writing way easier, way faster, and you’ll get stuck less often. If you don’t know what needs to happen here, but you know another scene? Skip to it.

And don’t be afraid to freewrite a bit, especially in a different POV.

Those have saved me from stalling on TMQ so far, and I hope they’ll get me to the finish ;)

My questions:

Do you have a favorite book or article on writing? Care to share? (Pls)

What outlining method do you use, if any? How strictly do you stick to it?

Which of your OCs do you connect to most? Whose POV comes easiest?

What kinds of things do you associate with your OCs?

When you’re not writing, what kinds of things remind you of your OCs?

What are you reading currently, or what book have you finished most recently?

Favorite aspect of your story’s world or setting?

What methods do you use to stay inspired for your story? (Pinterest, music, etc)

Top 3 songs at the moment?

What was the first story you ever wrote/had an idea for?

Can you tell us a little about the OC you’ve had for the longest?

tagging: @firesidefantasy; @queenie-dragon; @abalonetea; @writings-of-a-narwhal; @waterfallwritings; @quilloftheclouds; @runningonrain; @idreamonpaper; @diabhals; @sidhewrites; @sixstepsaway

[crafiet]

1-50 of the writer’s ask thing, go!

BITCH UR RUDE AF

The Basics1.     Do you listen to music when you write?mostly yeah but it depends on my mood2.     Are you a pantser or plotter?both, i was a complete pantser up until recently but ive been trying to outline big scenes so i know where im going3.     Computer or pen and paper?computer for drafting. pen and paper for outlining/planning4.     Have you ever been published, or do you want to be published?not published, dont wanna be5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?none but yesterday i wrote 2k /shrug6.     Single or multiple POV?usually single but ive been trying multiple!! its hard!!! idk what voice is!!7.     Standalone or series?ugh again mostly standalone, but ive been dabbling in series8.     Oldest WIPmy spies one which went though a fantasy and scifi phase and was originally dystopian9.     Current WIPmy mages! i have no titles bc who10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?nup

The Specifics11.  Books and/or authors who influenced you the mostuhhhh to be fair im v easily influenced so if i read a book and really like it i subconsciously try to implement that style of writing or try out that genre in my own work12.  Describe your perfect writing spacea desktop next to a big open window where i can play music without headphones13.  Describe your writing process from idea to polisheduhhhh i dont have a finished wip yet so idk lol usually: idea→ characters→ plot→ spur of the moment 10k word vomit→ more planning, outlining→ more words→ repeat planning and drafting until finished14.  How do you deal with self-doubts?i just take a break, read some bad books, read some good books, look at writing tumblrs and just marinate for a bit before going back in15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?i perpetually have it and since i dont have deadlines or a publishing contract i just ride it out, writing is strictly a hobby for me16.  How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied with a project?i edit as i go, im onto draft 2 of my mages but its technically a rewrite bc i changed most of the plot17.  What writing habits or rituals do you have?i have none atm, but i usually pick a time where i know i wont be disturbed/distracted so usually at night18.  If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?idw collab sdkksdlkbnsd die19.  How do you keep yourself motivated?i just really really like my worlds lol conceited 20.  How many WIPs and story ideas do you have?i have!!! 5?

The Favourites21.  Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write?oh mannngggg i like all my protagonists, ary is the easiest bc shes the one i work with the most, but its super entertaining to be in remy’s head, and i like calyp’s bc hers is so different AAHH22.  Who is/are your favourite pairing(s) to write?remy and seth orrr red and kieran. if im answering this correctly? or do u mean types of pairings lol idk23.  Favourite authorhummm idk every author i really like have books i dont like so i cant say24.  Favourite genre to write and readfantasy25.  Favourite part of writingworldbuilding *.*26.  Favourite writing programgoogle docs. it would be word but im too poor to buy it lol27.  Favourite line/sceneidk if this is my favourite but“I am at least trying to be civil.”“I am being civil. You want me to yell at you? Turn into a wolf and fight it out like you’d want?”Kieran closed the file and stood. “I don’t—rem—”“Remember.”“I don’t remember you being so—” He searched for a word, but gave up and growled instead. Red got the idea.“Angry? Callous? I ought to reteach you the English language.”“I know how to speak,” Kieran blurted. “Remember, I spent twenty-four years a full human.”“And look how fast that’s disappeared.”28.  Favourite side characterwhat are side characters lol ENSEMBLE CASTS29.  Favourite villainossssshhhh probably michael bc i love him30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yetive started on all my wips im one of those bastards who can multitask

The Dark31.  Least favourite part of writingactually drafting lmao32.  Most difficult character to writeprobably christine bc shes meant to be relatable and down to earth and thats boring smh33.  Have you ever killed a main character?yes, not a pov one though34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?probably any scene that requires a lot of research on a topic i know nothing about, like hacking or sword fighting or whatever35.  What scene/story are you least looking forward to writing?bridging scenes suck theyre necessary but they SUCK

The Fun36.  Last sentence you wrote“My plan would go smoother with you involved, but I can find others. Many want his head.”37.  First sentence or your current WIPShe squinted in the harsh light.38.  Weirdest story idea you’ve ever hadugh this girl who could see deaths coming and she worked for the fbi but she was like 15 so she still had to go to highschool lol39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever hadprobably her, only bc i was 13 when i created her and was reading this banshee series but somehow didnt connect??? and didnt realise she was a banshee?? without the screaming40.  Share some backstory for one of your charactersomg all of my characters have purposefully murky backstories bc i find that trope cool af lol. i guess ary has that typical woe-is-me backstory where her parents were killed, she spiraled and got involved with the wrong people and then was betrayed and arrested lol

The Rest of It41.  Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?literally i swear by: trying anything out. fiddle with pov, tense, perspective, genre, character identity, hell take a story you like and try to put your own spin on it. writing as a craft only gets better with practice and my best work is when im going outside of the box/my comfort zone42.  How do you feel about love triangles?is this even a debate anymore, this trope got flamed so hard i havent seen it in ya in years. i dont really care about it43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?good lol my outlines are usually done on the spot and i come up with more creative plots/scenes if i can think on it a bit44.  How much research do you do?i edit as i go so i research as i go. my pre-drafting research extends to saving links on things i might wanna write about and thats it lol. i would say i dont do as much as i should45.  How much world building do you do?a lot lol i LOVE worldbuilding. but i find it hard to incorporate it into my draft naturally so a lot of minute details get cut 46.  Do you reread your own stories?all the time lol i forget what i wrote half the time47.  Best way to procrastinatetwitter–OR if u wanna seem “productive”, writing blogs are a good way to get distracted48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?bitch there was a time where i only wrote self insert characters lol49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?im too lame to hang out with any of my characters. they would be nice to me but i wouldnt get to know them like how i know them from an author perspective50.  [Other question—ask me anything]u didnt ho

[butteredonions]

get to know the author

Tagged by both @velkynkarma​ and @bosstoaster​ (and @sleepyhunk​, i saw that shout-out ;) you’re too kind <3 )

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

My best friend @itachitachi​ helped me come up with it! We were sitting in computer class in middle school, reading fic paying avid attention and creating new email addresses for the first time. “buttered onions” was a swear in one of the books we were reading at the time. Rebellious teenage onions latched on to the ridiculous sounding phrase with giddy glee. It stuck.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

In those categories, The Size Of Our Actions blows all of my fics out of the water.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It’s the same onion-icon as here. I chose it because my friend @gitwrecked​ doodled an onion for me as a joke, and I seized on it and she made it into an icon for me :) she has since made other onion icons for me and i love her.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

Absolutely, and you know who you are. <3 The regulars are some of my absolute favorites, and even though I’ve been too busy to reply to comments lately, I see your consistency and my heart warms so much every time.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

Yeah, and they’re all sick!fic. guilty pleasures leave me alone

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

47 work subscriptions, 9 series subscriptions, and 30 user subscriptions. 78 bookmarks. I use these things like candy.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

HA

hahahahahahaha

you’re funny

I do find myself coming back to three of those more often than all the rest, though.

The rest below the readmore!

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

179 user subscriptions, 902 work subscriptions, 1322 bookmarks. That’s pretty cool.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

....sick!fic. still. I read so much of it because when it’s done well it’s so good I’m weak and I’m so scared of doing it wrong. There’s at least five sick!fic pieces I’ve started but never finished. I’m not afraid of being judged for it as much as I am afraid of trying and failing. 

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Endings. I have ideas for how to wrap up all the pieces, but somehow I just can’t get there. It’s much easier to flit off to new ideas than it is to finish old ones.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

I write gen most often :) beyond that I have one rarepair I write and one popular ship I’ve just started poking at, but honestly, still gen.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

34 works. Only 3 of them are active WIPs (with Incomplete markings), though there’s a handful in the AU series I would consider WIPs even though they’re currently posted as one-shots.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

I’m assuming this question is asking about how many incomplete WIPs I have at the moment?

A lot.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

It varies. By and large, if I don’t write the idea down or yell it at a friend immediately, it’s gone, so that’s the habit I’ve found myself in for the sake of preservation. Sometimes I keep the juicy parts in my head and mull them over for a while. The really really good bits - sometimes if I write them down in an outline, they lose some of that flavor. It’s like “oh hey I wrote it already, so it’s done”, even though that’s not the case.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Yep.

16. How did you discover AO3?

I thiiiink a friend recommended it to me as an alternative to ff.net.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

In my niche, I guess so, yeah. If you’re not into AUs or smol!Shiro or sometimes Uliro, though, then no.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

No. You’re all great.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Yes. I read a ton of Mercedes Lackey books when I was younger, and her imagination and creativity inspired me to try my own. Since then I’ve discovered several excellent fic writers, some of whom I can now count among my closest friends. That’s been really, really cool.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

It’s cliché, but it’s the truest and best piece of writing advice I’ve ever been given.

Only you can make your words go.

To an intermediate author? Two things:

Get the words out. When writing, set that time aside as Writing Time and not as Editing Time. If you stop to edit, you’ll never finish writing. My trick for this is to [bracket] any word or phrase I know I’m going to need to look up later, and then keep going. Need to name a planet? “The characters landed at [planet] and then continued on.” Can’t remember the one specific adjective? “Shiro did [the thing] [with the adjective that meant this/this/this] and moved on.” It makes for a sloppy rough draft, but it’s always easier to fix what’s on the page than what’s still in your head. The point of the brackets is that I can get out the gist of what I want, fast, and easily find it again later when I feel more like fine-tuning. In the moment I have to worry about nothing but getting the words down.

Cut out your filter words. It’s hard at first but invaluable on the back end. And it makes such a difference! I was rereading an old fic yesterday that I distinctly remember as the first one where I made the conscious effort to remove the filter words, and I remember how hard it was to do that. I never finished editing it, and on the reread yesterday I was so surprised at how easily I could spot the filter words - so that’s a huge sign of progress to me. Hard, but worth it. 

Happy to provide further examples of both of those tips, just ask.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Plot them out, absolutely. I have a handful that I’m winging for one reason or another and I feel so lost.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Yeah. Not very often, but I’ve had a few. It’s part of the nature of putting things out there. So far they’ve been mild enough that I just kind of cock my head at them, eep a little, and move on. Everyone’s entitled to their opinions. 

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Romance is really hard for me. :|

I also feel like I struggle with - not with Revelation scenes, but the scenes a few steps back from them, where the pieces are just starting to slot together but aren’t quite there yet. They’re tricky to lay out just right.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Oh god. Actively? Smol, Collision, and at least two of the AUs. Maybe three. Plus another surprise or so. And a long-overdue thing. And I also found my old Star Wars fic and was poking at that the last day or so. 

Eugh, I don’t know. Lately every time I sit down to settle on what to work on, I make up my mind and then flit away to a different idea instead. And then away from that one. I can’t settle and it’s frustrating.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

yes to the yes.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

I used to. Grad school has really pushed fic and writing to the backburner.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Yes, indefinitely. In same ways I think I’ve gone backwards, but overall there’s been incredible growth.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

I have to PICK?!

I like all of my fics for different reasons. I love what The Size Of Our Actions is doing for me as a writer and for fandom. I love what Unafraid and First Steps did in terms of mixing narratives, styles, and two distinctly different types of canon. I love the pacing of Collision and can’t wait to get back to it.

Overall? The Throne In The Hall. for many reasons. it...fits me.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

There’s two I wrote in the last year that I ran out of time on, thanks to deadlines and life. I’m not as proud of the end results as I’d like to be, and so I’m not naming them.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

Still writing. Maybe with something published, though I’m going to get through school first.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Dialogue and imagery.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Editing, sometimes. Letting something be Good Enough instead of Perfect. Endings.

33. Why do you write?

Corny as it is: because writing fulfills a part of my soul that I didn’t realize was missing until I stopped. I have to. 

Tagging: @ashinan, @andriseup, @paladinpuppypile, @flusteredkeith, @atimelordswife, anyone else I may have missed who would like to do this <3

[l0chn3ss]

Bespoken For

@se-rarepair-day -- check it out my homie and consider partaking! I wrote this one for mahself and for my tsukid needs ;D fashionable aus are my jam

Nov 2017 Prompt: Tasteful

He was due for another fitting, entering the boutique just on time for his appointment. While Kid’s secretary was always one who urged him to be earlier for any pre-scheduled, that phrase about how being fifteen minutes early meant on-time, he’d much rather be at leisure. He didn’t even see his regular person when he walked in. All the more reason to not be unnecessarily timely.

Sitting by the window, he picked up a magazine that they had spread on the coffee table, reading for another five minutes before he was finally called in by the person at the front desk. But he took the copy of Cosmopolitan in with him, all too knowing that his stylist would take another moment to set up and finish her last client. Setting his suit on the rack on the side, then making himself comfortable on his usual chair, he flipped page after page. It was only when the curtain slid open that he got up from his seat to greet Bella.

It wasn’t her who he saw. Rather, it was another tall woman, dark hair tucked in a bun and pins stuck in her sleeves. She came in first, then Kid’s usual person. They were both in uniform, though one looked newer than the other, so he was unsure of why there was a need for an assistant that day.

His question was immediately answered after Bella greeted him, introducing the new trainee as a promising girl close to his age. Tsubaki extended her hand out for a polite shake, entertaining a “how do you do” before setting down her supplies next to her new manager’s. Moving carefully, orienting herself around her bag, she drew out a couple of more pins and measuring tools as Bella took a moment to talk to Kid privately.

“Tsu is freshly out of school. You’ll be nice to her, won’t you?”

He frowned, “I’ll do no such thing unless it’s warranted.”

“Oh, it will be. She’s skilled. Worked in other shops as an intern before. Using this place as a springboard to make it as a designer.” Bella clucked her tongue. “She’s an ambitious one.”

Eyes trailing after her, Kid said, “You know I don’t like most of your employees.”

“But she’s different,” Bella assured. “Girl’s got a good head on her shoulders, and besides, you only disliked Mels and Betty because they chattered and couldn’t keep a seam straight.”

“And what does that say about their competence?”

“Touche. Still, I’m hoping that Tsu will become your more permanent associate.”

He sighed, resigning to the logic that it was only a matter of time until Bella became too busy to attend to him. As his father’s friend, she made a special exception to Kid and worked on his suits herself. Lately however, she’d been working on new contract deals and campaigns along with another new line of casual slacks, leaving close to no time to meet up with Kid for his appointments.

There’d better be some hope with Tsubaki, especially since both Kid and Bella couldn’t afford to look for another tailor.

At the beginning of the session with Kid dressed up from head to toe, Tsubaki had already caught the looseness of the upper arms, attention trained on the area as she told Kid as such. She waited for his consent before reaching to measure around his bicep, poking at his arm with her fingers and testing out the material of his suit. Expert hands slid new pins into the place of old ones, managing to keep away from ever grazing the dress shirt under his coat. And following some of the most obvious alterations that she could see immediately, she ran through every major point, as if following a comprehensive list from memory, just to see if there were any spots that she’d missed. Kid lifted his arms when directed, holding his hands behind his back, lifting his knees to be on par with his waist, never needing to stay in an uncomfortable position for too long thanks to Tsubaki’s quick judgement.

It was half way through when Kid noticed that Bella had already slipped out of the room, shocked that a trainee was left alone with a customer. But by this time, Kid knew that he already had trust in her skills, and in Bella’s judgment. Tsubaki didn’t seem to need any extra instructions, gliding across the room as she examined a spot in every angle. So Bella was right; Tsubaki was perhaps a little different than the others.

Kid especially thought so when she asked him how his inner knee felt.

If all went well, this would have been the last day that the suit needed before becoming complete. He walked around the room for a moment longer until Bella came back in, drawing a smile from Tsubaki whose expression hadn’t changed much at all through the process. She took only a glance at Kid before praising Tsubaki heavily, beaming and ushering her around Kid, noting particular places that she was most proud of.

“The only thing is the waist. Wouldn’t it look better a tad tighter?”

Tsubaki tapped her chin, “I thought so at first until I considered the nature of the clothes themselves,” briefly going into an explanation.

And in mid sentence, Bella reached to squeeze both of her cheeks, cooing. “Oh, how right you think you are! Tighten it, dear. A couple of more years in this industry and you’ll see that you can’t always rely on textile chemistry to make clothes look good. A good attempt, sugar!”

Kid looked away from Tsubaki’s small pout, getting back onto the platform and lifting his arms until there was enough space for her to fit.

Through the following months, he visited the boutique scarcely. There were very few moments where he found a need for it; a split crotch and favors from his father were his main drive. During each time, he was referred to Tsubaki who had quickly become a mix of both an errand girl and someone who undergo all the sudden and strange tasks that customers walked in for. It was almost like a hazing event, to see if the girl was up to the task and could handle what the store threw in her face.

She was more than eager to complete each task, as a good employee should. Though she stumbled through some rather ineloquently, Kid could see a visible difference between his visits. Day 1 to day 100 showed a stark difference in not only her work but also how open she became to her customers and her team. Tsubaki learned to smile from her heart, to lend a genuine hand and hold meaningful conversation with others. The boutique wasn’t meant to be a mere stop for clothes, but to also be a familiar place that people could come to; that was the sort of world that Bella wanted to share.

Eventually, though some miracle of networking and short notice emergencies, Kid and Tsubaki began to meet up outside of the shop, starting with a rush job in a women’s bathroom stall. After the initial favor, Kid didn’t believe that her good nature and generous attitude should’ve gone unrewarded. All things would come to have an equal exchange, just how the world of business and chemistry worked out, so he wanted to take fate into his own hands and decided that their next interaction wouldn’t be that of a frantic text, but with something else.

Unfortunately for him, he didn’t have time for that until a couple of weeks later, after a series of back luck, or good, pulled Tsubaki back into action and saving his little accidents time and time again. A clumsy lady and spilt wine that required an immediate dress shirt change. A careless assistant during an intermission. An actual intentional cut with angry scissors that ran down his arm during the break of one of the most important meetings of the seasons. Each time Tsubaki was messaged, no matter how cryptic and deadpan the text read, she came through for Kid.

It was customary for him to make thank you calls and to show gratitude through small cards or emails, but it was strange for him to reach out to another person outside of work. Sending Tsubaki a text with a friendly intent was hard enough to draft-- a call would have been too intimate he thought-- and to send it took more courage than he thought was needed. Luckily for him, a mistaken flick of his thumb caused the screen to scroll up, and his brush with the last three instances of shame could be seen on screen.

The most recent was the most strange of the bunch.

“Nor on 5th. 1905. Bk jacket & f aid.”

“Omw,” was her answer.

And how happy was he to see her arrive with bandages, a new suit jacket, and even a fresh tie in 9 and a half minutes flat. She strode over to where Kid was huddled in the empty conference room, clearing the distance in no time at all. Handing off the clothes to a chair, she tended to his bloody arm and listened to his indignant muttering about how he would ruin FrekTel Inc, mark his words. Any company that would hire an associate who got physical after a failed business deal wasn’t going to last.

“She flew right off the handle. Grabbed fucking scissors from god knows where. Ripped a line right through my only Hilburn. Good ol’ Hilburn!”

Tsubaki’s eyes flicked to his. “It might be for the better. Perhaps give Kent Wang a try?”

“You’re not suppose to be promoting other businesses.”

“Bella’s son ordered from them last month, and even she said they were reputable for a reason.”

“Was that before or after she cussed Jeffery out?”

She smiled, “After.”

All of those jokes aside, her presence was a blessing, and her taste for clothes just the same. She deserved more than a hasty thanks and promises to be more careful the next time around. Kid sent along the message after one more bit of hesitation, rereading it for errors and to make sure that his point was conveyed correctly. The worst that could happen was that his invitation could be ignored or declined, he thought.

But luckily for him, her response came as quick as ever.

They set their calendars for the next available time that coincided, formalities dropping once the second invitation was extended. Eventually, they worked their way up to restful coffee breaks during lunch. When an afternoon at one of Tsubaki’s favorite brunch places further revealed her love for breakfast foods, Sundays became their new default meetup times with scattered lunch spots in between the week.

“I’ll get the bill next time” became “who’s turn is it?” And “how was your day” became “you won’t believe what happened yesterday.”

Soon enough, secrets of his trade and hers were revealed. Then came their own, careful and shy. Once that window was open, their trust in one another grew in ways that they hadn’t expected, knowing in their hearts that they’d found a kindred soul to share their stories with.

TBC; Part 2 coming

thank the heckles for liz and rose for brainstorming ideas and titles with me ♥