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zaine-m · 2 days ago

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I like to think that Jayce and Viktor get a happy ending in the other universe too

Jayce feels awful that hextech took a life. Especially seeing powder (who is around the same age he was when him and his mom were saved by hextech) holding her dead sister's body

He says similar things as in the start of the trial but now fully meaning them and never mentions trying to create magic

Vander comes to Jayce's trial and stands up for him, saying he's just a stupid kid with a dream to help people who didn't know what he was doing

"Vi's with her mom now, let Jayce go home to his"

He does still sneak into his lab to attempt suicide but this time Viktor's "am I interrupting?" doesn't do anything, Jayce just turns back around and jumped, not being able to handle the guilt of accidentally taking a life while also realizing his life's work only caused harm

He survives the attempt and wakes up in a hospital bed, paralyzed from the waist down with his mother crying next to him

Viktor comes in a bit later while his mom is out making some food for him

His tone is completely too cold for the situation. Jayce is in complete despair and Viktor refuses to match the mood

He says most of the same stuff about how hextech can change people's lives but Jayce responds "yeah, well so far all it's done is a take the life of an innocent child"

"ehh, she was from the undercity. I grew up there, many children did not live to see adulthood"

"How does that make anything better?"

"Because this has the potential to change that. One explosion? There are toxic fumes and polluted waters slowly killing hundreds of children each year"

"Even if I wanted to I'm banned from the academy and ..." *waves at legs*

"pshh, you think trenchers are supposed to be at the academy and everything I did in my life I did while being disabled"

"Listen, I can't help you"

Viktor leaves Jayce's bracelet by his bed and heads towards the door. Jayce takes one look at it and throw it across the room in anger. "you probably shouldn't throw that", "GET OUT!"

A while later Vander comes to invite Jayce to Vi's memorial at the last drop

Jayce feels so guilty when he first comes into the last drop, everyone is staring at him

He sees Ekko, the kind little kid who had sold him such reasonably prices wares just days before his experiments accidentally killed his friend

Powder just starting going at him when she first sees him, her weak child-who-has-never-punched-before fists do very little damage especially because she's going so fast she doesn't fully pull her hands back

Jayce just lets her at it, crying and apologizing between the blows

Vander comes to pull Powder off of him, "it wasn't his fault, he didn't know how dangerous the materials were" she just looks back and screams at him before going back to her bedroom

Vander takes Jayce on a walk through the undercity to talk,

"Everyone in there knew what I did?"

"huh, no?"

"they were looking at me like I was a monster"

"yeah, that's cause you're dressed like a piltie"

"ohh, ha... I'm so sorry about what happened to Vi"

"It's a shame, but she's with her parents now"

*Jayce looks down, only feeling worse finding out the girl he killed was an orphan*

"You want to know how her parents died?" *they arrive at the bridge* "I thought I could help the undercity, create a better world by fighting for sovereignty. I led us across this bridge and lost so many people in the process, the undercity is still recovering"

"I'm so sorry"

"I was like you, I was young and ambitious and I wanted to help people. But you know what I learned. You don't need to make giant leaps to help the people around you"

On the way back Vander points out all the ways he's helped different people in the undercity, helping them make a business plan, caring for their kids when they were sick, helping them find a community at the last drop

He also points out all the things that could be helped like roofs with holes in them and cliffs that should have railings

"You don't need hextech to help the world, Jayce"

Jayce spends his time between his family's forge doing hammer work and around the undercity working as a handyman, building what he can to help people

Eventually he tracks down Viktor, hoping to find ways to make a more systemic change for things like the dirty water and polluted air

Viktor works on studies surveying the living conditions of those in the undercity and seeing what affects it has on expected lifespan and the likelihood of developing different diseases to present to the council

That along with the more pro-Zaun push that's been happening since Vi's death he gets quite a bit of work done

While he's doing this Jayce does what he can to start implementing changes by making water filters and distributing masks to those in the slump levels

After a few years Jayce petitions to be let back into the academy to help Viktor with his work on a formal level and with outstanding testimonials from many people in the undercity he's let back in

When their work making the undercity safer is done they move onto studying how to treat the various illnesses people in the undercity have suffered from living there

first starting with Viktor's various physical health issues and finding that a lot of his issues come from it never being studied how to use mobility aids and how improper use can put a strain on other parts of your body so he switched to a forearm crutch to help his back

I'm gonna say in this universe Viktor just has severe asthma which they're able to find medicines to treat so he still has issues breathing in a lot of the undercity, he just wears a mask most of the time and keeps his medication with him

Viktor and Jayce end up dating but it happens to slowly that it's hard to realize, they just spend all their time together working on their research and then they get an apartment together because they were both looking for roommates

Jayce stopped looking for people to date after the accident because he was going through a big life change and never got back in the game and Viktor always rejected anyone, saying he was too busy with his studies

Jayce is just physically affectionate in a way where hugging Viktor a lot turns into Viktor sitting on his lap whenever his leg is sore turns into Jayce playing with Viktor's hair when he's bored turns into them cuddling on the couch turns into them cuddling in bed turns into kisses on the forehead when one of them is sick turns into kisses when they're not sick

They're at the last drop one day and Viktor gets up off Jayce's lap to use with washroom and Vander asks Jayce, "so you think you'll propose soon" Jayce almost spits out his food, "what, what do you mean?"

"I mean you've been dating for like what 5 years now. You gotta pop the question sooner or later"

"umm... yeah" wait fuck are we dating, have we been dating for 5 years, what

In bed that night: "Viktor, I... I think I might like you... like romantically. I guess I never thought about it but I was talking to Vander and... and you've been the most important person in my life for the past like 6 years"

"Jayce, I thought we were dating? How are you only realizing this now"

"ohh"

"I called you my partner"

"I thought you meant like research partner"

"we kissed a lot"

"I thought those were like just for comfort... between friends"

*Viktor kisses him passionately but not the most passionately they've kissed before*

"Does that seem like it would be between friends?"

"heh, now that you mention it I guess not"

#arcane #jayce talis #viktor arcane #arcane viktor #jayvik #just scroll to the bottom to read fluff

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astoldbyaja · 3 days ago

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Late Nights Playing in the Dark

“I- I need to empty myself inside you, mein liebling.”

Konig X Black plus size female OC

Authors notes

And no I’m not trying to hear your opinion or views on what weight size is considered plus size to you! Keep it to yourself and enjoy the smut!

I am 5’7 rocking a 260-pound body that I was in love with. My face is bomb, my ass is fat, my bust is gorgeous, and I love my stomach and don’t get me started on thighs. Before I was in the military, I would walk around my house naked because I just enjoyed walking past every mirror in my home!

My body was heavily worshiped by my past lovers, not to mention there was much more of me to go around that my men just enjoyed. Those were good times, before I offered my service as a medic to KorTac. I got a long with pretty much everyone who came to my sick bay to be cared for…

So, you can imagine my surprise when Austrian operator Konig, had his thick muscular arms around my thighs carrying me to his barracks, like I didn’t weigh a thing.

“KONIG STOP IT! LET ME GO!” I said pounding on his heavy shoulders which did nothing to stop him. This man I have treated many times, he was built like a tank, arms covered in tattoos, yet he never removed his sniper hood. I knew he had severe anxiety, so I figured it brought him comfort. I was trying to figure out how it came to this, being brought into his large room and just placed onto his bed with a bounce.

It was late and I was checking a wound on his arm to ensure it healed properly and when I gave the “all clear”, he stood over me like a shadow, hoisted me up in his arms and just began to leave with me, without saying a word! Just like that. Konig was in a black tight shirt and his uniform pants. Konig looked down at me with heavy blue eyes.

“Naevia… I need you.” he said huskily, and I was almost confused before he began to unbuckle his pants and I gasped and covered my face, my fear rising in me. “I- I need to empty myself inside you, mein liebling.”

I squeaked at his words peeking through my fingers to see his cock standing at attention. My eyes widened. Oh, good lord he’s hung!

“Konig I-I don’t think I’m the right woman for you!” I said. For the first time, my confidence in my body was shot, mixed with fear of this giant of a man who had already removed his shirt revealing his muscular torso. He tilted his head.

“Why… would you say such a thing?” he asked as if offended. I finally lowered my hands and looked at his body and then looked at my body.

“I mean surely you’d want a woman who is smaller and well-built or something right?” I asked. I’ve personally never seen Konig around any women, but well-built men usually always wanted well-built petite women, or so I thought. He blinked down at me for a moment before leaning over and with one firm yank, he just slid my scrubs upward. I yelped as my legs were forced in the air as my pants slid right down my soft plushy thighs.

He even managed to take my Skechers off in the process!

“KONIG!” I yelped in shock. His hooded face was suddenly buried in my left thigh nuzzling it gently.

“Mein liebe, you have no idea how long I have waited to feel your soft skin against my face. Your body is perfect, you are perfect. Your thighs are so gorgeous, the way I want them to lock around my head and squeeze me so good!” He swoons, his gloved hands gently yet firmly holding my thighs in place. My eyes just watch in both horror and mild fascination at how much he was nuzzling my skin. I notice he leans into my inner thigh and press the space where his mouth is against my skin. He slowly reaches over to pull his mask up, but only enough for me to see his strong jaw as he kisses at my skin. “You smell amazing Naevia… you always do.”

I whimpered as his kisses begin to move up my body and I swallowed nervously as I felt him growl into my flesh. I shook my head snapping out of it as I try to scoot back some so, I could close my legs. I have been on my feet all day there is no way I smelled good down there!

“Konig, stop it’s dirty!” I say only for him to grab me and pull me back, burying his mask right into the center of my panties. I yelp as he inhales my scent, his eyes fluttering close for a moment.

“My darling, Naevia you could never be dirty.” he swoons, his eyes opening and looking at me with such… devotion. If eyes could show hearts in them, Konig’s would be pulsing. “Please Naevia… let me have you. Let me worship your body. I need it.”

I bit my lip looking at the top of his perfectly sculpted ass noticing he was rutting desperately into the bed right now. My heart was pounding hard in my chest, but I couldn’t deny the curiosity of how this moment would go with someone like Konig.

I’ve always heard this man was a monster on the battlefield, a killing machine who lived for the kill, and now here he is basically rubbing his cheeks against my thighs begging to have me. Fuck it.

“Okay… b-but shouldn’t I at least shower first- aaah~”

My words were cut off by his thick done moving up and down my folds through my panties. It felt weird at first, foreign almost, my body not aware of what was going on.

“No- need you… just like this.” he muttered into my pussy as he kept licking. The satin fabric of my panties mixed with his tongue had my folds tingling a bit due to the soft friction of the panties being touched. I shuddered feeling my vaginal walls starting to come to life. My chest begins to move up and down as I can hear him grumbling and growling into my pussy sending vibrations into me.

“Aah…” I moan as I feel his fingers finally pull my panties out of the way before feeling his tongue against my now wet folds. My toes began to curl as it didn’t take long for my body to respond. Konig begins to remove his gloves setting them on the ground so he can grip my thighs more, his fingers gently running along them after a moment.

“You taste amazing mein schatz.” Konig grumbles as his tongue begins to dip past my wet folds burying deeper inside, exploring my velvet walls. I can feel said walls begin to clench around the intruder. I notice his hands start to spread my thighs further apart, as he climbs further onto the bed, yet his mouth never leaves my drenched pussy.

Moans were falling from my lips as I feel his lips now move to suck on my sensitive clit. My toes curl immediately at the sensations, and I grip the bed sheets hard feeling heavy currents of pleasure beginning to move up into my body. My hips try and roll against his face, but he holds them down into the bed.

“Don’t worry, my liebe, I’ll take care of you.” he said, his dark eyes looking at me as if commanding me to keep still. My body is quivering still as he brings his attention back to my clit, flicking and teasing me now swollen pearl. My entire body was feeling warm and tingly all over. I feel two thick fingers prod at my soaked entrance before slowly pushing in, my walls automatically clenching up.

I gasped at the feel, his fingers curling lightly as he enters me. My eyes see stars as he started moving his fingers in and out, teasingly slow all the while his tongue continues to work my clit, sucking on it fast and hard. My cries grow louder, and I didn’t care about being quiet. I’ve always been told my moans sounded orgasmic, and I wanted to know if Konig would agree.

He growls out lowly as my moans continue, his fingers increasing in speed. My lower half was quivering from the stomach clenching pleasure I was feeling. I did not foresee my day going like this, but my god I didn't care. He felt so good inside me and it was making my body crave more of him.

“Ah Konig!” I moan his name. This only got his fingers moving faster and deeper inside me, hell bent to find my sweet spot, and when he does, I see white. My body bucks just a bit at the intense tingling sensations that were washing over me in waves. My walls were clenching faster and tighter, and my juices were pouring onto his fingers as his tongue continued to attack my clit.

“Keep showing me how good I make you, Naevia. I won’t stop until you cum at least four times.” Konig commands aggressively as his fingers curl inside me. Now the sparks of pleasure are attacking my pussy in heavy jolts, and I’m crying out harder and louder, desperate for him to keep going. My thighs lock around his head and he snarls happily at this response.

“Oh my god! Just like that, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum!” I chant as his fingers keep working me over, my hot juices are pouring out faster than I can stop it.

“Give it to me, mein Schatz!” he commands abusing that sweet spot now. I moan out hard as I feel me cum squirting out all over his fingers and face. My body shakes violently as I scream out in total bliss. My pussy gushes a bit more and I’m shuddering heavily. I’ve never done that before and it feels amazing.

“Braves mädchen…” he says lowly standing up on his knees before me. I have another clear picture of his body, his cock twitching almost angrily now, his balls tight. “Now… this is what’s going to happen next… I am going to remove the rest of your clothes and worship the rest of your body… I am going to suck those pretty nipples of yours until you cum from it- that will be your second orgasm… then I am going to eat that tight ass of yours until you come a third time… and finally… I am going to fuck you so deep in your pretty pink pussy until your womb is overflowing with my cum and then I will allow you to come a forth time.”

His tone was dark and heavy, and leaving no room for argument. This was not a suggestion this was a full-on command. There would be no democratic discussions on how this would go; this was going to be a dictatorship on my pussy that he was going to conquer and claim.

“Okay…” I said weakly and his eyes showed me that he was pleased, and he was smirking as he leaned over my body, his face closing in on mine as he raises his sniper hood just enough for his lips to hover over mine.

“Braves mädchen.” he says huskily before capturing my lips in a dominate kiss.

Taglist

@poohkie90

@patienceunique (only because you replied to my question about this yesterday lol if you want to be taken off I will do so xD)

@gremlinmodetweeker

@marley-suguru4143

@cyaniderainfall

#blackfemoc #smut #black female oc #konig call of duty #konig cod #cod konig #konig x black reader #konig x black female OC #Konig x black curvy female OC

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koheletgirl · 2 years ago

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what if i bailed on the seder what if i just didnt show up

#a girl can dream...#i mean i am sick. i could just. be sick at home #🤎

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naamahdarling · 2 months ago

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You know what? You know what I think?

I think that if we lived as we were meant to, in larger intimate ("extended family") groups and with more shared labor and time to do it (UBI NOW) people like me would not feel so useless and burdensome because there would be people around to help and to do what neurodivergent people can't while making valuable space for the neurodivergent to do what they ARE good at.

The way we live right now, all right, the way we live right now forces units of two adults to be able to do EVERYTHING or PAY to have someone come do it for them. I have to do the housework. I have to do it! But I am having to do a million different things and most of them I am not good at. I suck at them.

I wouldn't feel like shit, okay, if I had more than one other person around who was not a child and who could do the things I can't, like do the yard and cook and do repairs and basic maintenance; and someone else to split everything else that I like but is too much for me. It would free me to do what I am good at and enjoy. Cleaning, as in the sink and toilet, the windows, the blinds. Taking out trash. Folding, hanging, and sorting laundry.

But because all the shit I can do often relies on other shit being done first, and I can't do or have trouble doing those things, the shit I can do often can't be done. And even the shit I can do, I can't do ALL of it. So I can't keep up, and things get very bad.

We aren't meant to live like this. We are not meant to live like this.

That thought hurts so much because being able to flee the birth family is integral to survival for so many people. I'm so afraid that living in larger family groups would create more opportunities for, say, queer kids to be isolated, rejected, bullied, and abused. But if we gave people enough money to survive, and stopped considering children the property of their parents with no system in place to help them escape bad situations except a system that is often just as bad, just different.

I'm aware that communes and collectives aren't all that successful and are kind of a joke. I don't mean that. I mean a fundamental shift to multigenerational families where taking in "strays" (which my family did) is also normalized so people escaping abuse into existing households was accepted, with these families centered in maybe a couple of different larger residences so not everyone has to buy and maintain their own fucking washing machine and vacuum cleaner, and so people can benefit from large group meals that yield leftovers, and so child and elder care can also be centralized.

Then disabled people and the neurodivergent and sick and injured people, and pregnant people, and grieving people, would not have to either labor through all those stressors or consign themselves to living off an unlivable pittance or being put under legal guardianship.

I'm not saying anything new. People live like this in other parts of the world and maybe it sucks and I am wrong. But I'm just really mad right now because I can either do laundry or clean the sink but not both, and I really think we could improve society somewhat by making it so I did not have to choose one without sacrificing the other.

#im feverish feeling (not a real fever just malaise that i have no other way to describe) from the IBS (which can affect you like that #)#and i don't actually want to do ANYTHING #i would have to even living with others but it would be easier #at the very least i wouldn't have had to clean the microwave earlier which is hard because my arms are like the size of a meerkat's #and i can only reach the back with my fingertips #where is my BF in all this?#WORKING FULL TIME WITH BACK PAIN #yes i AM going to want him to have to do as little as possible when he comes home #he's neurodivergent too and struggles with the same shit #it's all a mess #we are doing way better i didn't realize how deep a drain three very sick cats were #but there's still only two of us #if you are disabled physically OR MENTALLY you should at least get in-home household help once a week or so #there's places that do that but the limitations are usually severe and always rule me out #because im not single im not an elder im not a veteran and im not physically disabled #if we have to ration that sort of thing i can see how on the whole it is more caring to allocate those resources to for example elders #but the fact that i celebrate what help there is doesn't mean i don't get mad that more people can't access it #is2g if i was functional enough snd physically sound enough i would start a charity that did intervention cleaning for people like us #who have fallen behind and can't catch up but can MAINTAIN #and who helped people clean for a few months during and after an illness pregnancy trauma major loss etc. so they could stay on their feet

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scattered-winter · 5 months ago

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every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3

#re lrb..........#i mean realistically if i was in the voltron/quintenary stars universe chances are i would probably NOT be one of the people #going on the space adventure.#i'd be roped into the plot when the aliens invade and earth almost gets destroyed. spoilers for arc 2 btw sorry #but man. child soldierism aside i wish that were me so so so bad #sadly kicks a rock when will EYE have a deep and mystical connection with a giant ancient cat :(#its not even that i want to interact with the main cast bc i dont really i just. wanna be in their position man #i think one of the reasons why voltron grabbed me so hard (among MANY) is how badly i wanted to do what the main characters did #i remember when i was first watching it while it was coming out i would CONSISTENTLY daydream about being launched into space #with a handful of other people and having to fight a war and grow up far away from home and all the suffocating stuff that came with it #and then coming back years later already solidly knowing who i am and being confident in that #so i'd actually be brave enough to be unapologetic about it. and i'd be found family with the people i went to space with also #that parts important #idk man just. i dont like saying i was abused when i was younger because i really dont think it was like that and it isnt even close to #what how people who have really been abused have had to go through #but sometimes i really do wonder. like now that im (mostly) out and able to review everything with an outside perspective #not even getting into the cult survivorism stuff this is JUST family dynamics im talking about here #bc that shit is a whole other can of worms #i think my parents were genuinely doing the best they could with the cards they were dealt but. jesus christ.#i would have given ANYTHING to be able to run away from all that. and throw magic cats into the equation? brother im GONE #anyway this tags ramble has derailed in a MAJOR way. tldr i wanted to be a paladin sooooo fuckign bad bro #like it actually makes me SICK how much i want a lion. red you are my forever girl even if only in my heart <///3 #i still do want to do all that out of principle but its not as desperate now i just really love space and really want a big kitty friend #winter speaks

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pleasedontcareaboutme · 1 month ago

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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.

#you know it's funny #i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this #on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and #the friend that i lost last year checked my account and #i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me #because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry #bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man #i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot #but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also #i dont fit in that friendship anymore #but im still really greatful #for checking up on me even like this #*most of my life #noticed a typo #idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself #all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday #im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations #trying to convince myself that its oka #it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im #terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi #g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul #i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda #hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not #that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m #friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread #knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb #i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps #anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but #i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much

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fappellmoan · 11 months ago

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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

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keeps-ache · 4 months ago

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been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol

#just me hi #listen here you little idiot... [<- fond]#anyway i've been doing this for months and it brings me much joy hbfhsvh #to me it's just an academy. with vulcans. and they are NOT getting enrolled loll #//so speaking of siblings i've been off and about with my dad more often #which is cool but that means spending a lot more time away from my siblings and ouhhrhrhrhrhrhrhhghhhhhhhhh #[tears in eyes]#my buddies :( Where Are My Buddies :( lmaoo #staring out car windows yearnily bc i want my brother's opinion + dumb joke combo on some random thought i had but he's miles AWAYYYYYYYYYY #i'm home rn but like. Man hfbhsfbvh #//oh man but here was one time one of them used the academy thing on me and i could only sputter. touche motherfunker lolllll #//anyway i am exploding all of them with my mind [<- endearing]#my youngest siblings do art (because they saw me doing it [funkin dies and explodes and cries and stares at a wall forever] lol <3) and #they're ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?#leo does humanoids + has a more geometric style atm and it's really cool!! he keeps asking me to help him draw hands but he asks me at like #1 a.m. when my brain isn't working practically anymore so it's just me going 'yea and the thumb bone connects to the hip bone. +~Somehow~+#[mystery chimes]' and then he goes off on some sort of random thought and we are derailed forever hgbbfhsh #and ruff is so good at drawing animals it's insane. like have you seen this kid's cats they are Sick ! ! ! i genuinely did a double-take #when i saw her stuff a couple months ago loll #/and then my older siblings are v into video games #which is cool bc if i am ever bored they have like 5000 things that i can suffer on while we all laugh hfbhsfhv #i think i'm still helping test one of apollo's games that he's working on -#he's learning code and all kinds of cool stuff - also he's insanely good at blender like Woauhghsgh. wizard shizz hbfhsvb #+ reed helps him w/ that bc i believe he's the architecture guy lol :) - also it turns out reed n i share a lot of opinions on media and #stuff so that's awesome :D he didn't know what whump was but he liked all the points of it so i tried explaining that to him the best i #could hbshfv o7 #+ chess has been trying to convince me to give him + leo a ~mystery~ story to play and i finally caved lmjfhsjf #he's real good at the clues it's going well :3 i am scared for my life HFBVhsfvh #also trying to convince him to play kartrider w/ me again cuz i have leo on it now and we need a 3rd okay-to-decent player in our soon-to-b #posse Loll :33 //i ran out of tag space... ouhhh..... okay then.. ciao ciao toodles :D

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skrunksthatwunk · 7 months ago

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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

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dirt-goth · 1 year ago

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I want to get dressed up all cute and gay but I also don't want to be seen like that irl right now. Evil<3

#also its more a 'I don't want to deal with people's inability to mind their own business' than not wanting to be seen.#and specifically my dad bc I am sick of him looking confused by me having a weird gender when I have had weird gender all my life #like if he wasn't coming home I could just dress faggy for Me but alss #I don't think he's actually seen me in a skirt or anything since I was in high school so lmaooooooo #maybe I'll still try and be changed before he gets home #but that also opens up that whole wound of Hiding My Queerness in my own home #like is it better to dress and undress or never dress at all when the end goal is hiding parts of yourself you know will be misunderstood #even by people that mean well<3 #personal

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wutheringmights · 9 months ago

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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life #woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour #i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom #i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess #earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like #2 weeks straight #i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house #i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you #i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control #fucking sucks man #i hate ibs #in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school #while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick #but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then #but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off #and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh #this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person

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flippedorbit · 1 year ago

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do you want me to fucking go off on you? do you truly fucking want that mother?

#“oh you and your sister never listen to me and blah blah blah” we fucking do (or at the very least i do)#“you guys never help out” does me doing the litter and taking out the trash and on occasion hand washing the dishes mean #fucking nothing to you? does me sweeping the floor every once in a while because you chose to keep us in an area that is ALL SAND/DIRT ROAD #for whatever stupid ass reason also meaningless? does me doing my damn best to help out mean fucking nothing?#do you want me to kill my self. do you want to lose your eldest child to something YOU could have fucking prevented all because you can’t #stop being a bitch to him all the time? do you really fucking want that mom? because at this rate i am once again on the road to fucking #attempting it. i’m so god damn sick of how you treat me. the only time i can do anything i want is at night. i stay up super late playing #games with my friends because its the only time in the day when you aren’t bitching and whining for me to do something you don’t want to do #for the past several days i’ve been up until five in the damn morning just to do something that makes me happy.#you misgender me. you deadname me. you refuse to accept any aspect of my identity. you don’t treat me like a god damn person.#i have so many different ways i can consider attempting if i truly wanted to. the only thing keeping me alive is my friends. because they a #least show that they fucking care and actively want to do things with me. like group drawing or playing video games.#YOU on the other hand; mother; yell and get mad at me over the stupidest shit and never fucking apologize.#i cannot recall a singular time you’ve apologized for being a complete bitch to me over something so fucking unimportant.#and yet i’m expected to be completely fucking fine and happy all because you provide me with the bare fucking minimum.#”i clothe and feed and provide a place for you to live” THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. sure you could argue over the fact i’m 18 and #should be out working somewhere. but you give me so few opportunities for going places and even considering getting a job or finally gettin #my driver’s license. plus i would rather fucking die than work any food service or customer service job. because i’d be going somewhere #where i’d mostly get talked down to or yelled and then come home and have the same shit done after working for hours and getting minimal #pay. i’d rather work on my own fucking terms with commissions than go into any job where i have to interact with others in public for any #reason. where i’d be treated just the same as at home. like someone who isn’t a person and doesn’t deserve anyone to be nice to them.#i constantly so desperately wish that maybe one day soon i’d find someone to be with romantically and that i could maybe live with them and #get out of this hell hole that i’m supposed to call home. to go somewhere and have my efforts appreciated. to go somewhere where i’d #actually fucking be loved. i shouldn’t have to wish so god damn hard for a better life all because my mother can’t fucking treat me like a #person with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.#i’m ending this rant here before i get too angry and upset. see you all in maybe an hour.#suicide mention #ask to tag

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 years ago

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Daily Log 9

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Worked on the previously mentioned tapestry style painting thing for like 5-6 hours today (with a few breaks in between), and that's just for the border around the main picture lol.. I think all the little sections and detail always take longer than I think they might. But hopefully the final product will look interesting! :0

I feel like I'm entering another Sick Phase where I just am weird/ill/sleepy/having joint pains much of the day (probably some vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances or general bodily inflammation or whatever nonsense seems to randomly pop up from time to time lol), so couldn't focus on anything more intensive like writing or editing videos, unfortunately. It's good to have smaller crafts I can do that don't take much mental effort and are just menial hand tasks (like carving, painting, sculpting, etc.), but I still always feel frustrated falling behind on the things I see as much more broadly significant to my overall life and potential career (making games, writing, finishing videos, socializing, costumes, etc.)

Organized my desk a little. Responded to some doctor emails. Paid bills.

Planned out something I might make with pressed flowers tomorrow.

Edited like 4 costume photos.

Also have a lingering sense of dread due to the weather. The heat often makes me feel terrible, and if I'm already in kind of a Bad Phase at the moment, I'm afraid of it making it even worse... stimky..

Which I know these temperatures are nothing to some people but.. to me... aUGHHHH... I am abnormally heat sensitive + live in a dinky old apartment with no ventilation that gets direct sun the hottest part of the day.. on a 90F day outside, it literally gets about 84F inside.. like.. even people who love the heat I feel like would struggle to sleep at night if their bed is 85F lol... hewwo.. You can spray yourself down with water, drink ice water, put a fan on yourself, etc. etc. but.. sometimes it just feels so oppressive and inescapable..

ANYWAY. Aside from painting, feeling weird, and dreading the upcoming heat/contemplating my entire life and how to get enough money to move to a different climate somehow one day/existential exhaustion/etc., I didn't accomplish very much lol

Spent maybe 30 minutes thinking about a little more worldbuilding stuff, and some things in reference to the game I mentioned resuming work on at some point.

Notable sights: The clouds were really pretty and pastel this afternoon, and some stars are visible in the sky for once since the nights are beginning to be clearer. The 'forget me not' flowers that I thought had died after transplanting actually seemed to be perked up and healthy looking today, and perhaps may actually survive. >:3

Goals moving forward: Do new poll adventure post. focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with the ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Not much, kind of a warm day so didn't really want to use the oven. No idea how I'll handle the diet I've been put on by my doctors (involves usually cooking all food fresh, using the stove a lot, nothing is supposed to be canned or processed or premade, so that eliminates a lot of 'quick easy simple warm weather' meals, etc. etc.) during the heatwave. I might just have to break the diet a little and hope it doesn't give me stomach pains while I'm already hot and feeling sick lol..

I did have a boiled egg with some green onions on top, which is very simple but was refreshing somehow lol. Another ice cold ginger ale treat today, and some cold prune juice (which I know most people find gross/it's an old person food/etc., but I like that it's a smooth textured and not very sweet juice? Like it's slightly thicker than apple juice, has a lightly bitter taste, etc. I just find it nice for some reason. More evidence I am secretly an 85 year old wizard)

#why can't it be global cooling instead of global warming.. what if everything was just ice and I was comfortable and happy all year around #heat also sometimes gives me like a.. mild situational claustrophobia (like not a place that you are confined in/can't escape #but more an environmental factor that's all consuming. Like when there's fires and smoke fills the sky for days and it's like no matter #where you are you could never get away from it unless you're locked inside shut off from the entire world. if you need a breath #of fresh air or are feeling too confined you no longer have the option of going outside. it's all toxic. etc.)#Or like part of why I hate long car rides is for that reason. If I'm 3 hours away from home there is no way for me to get home #other than to ride 3 hours back. If I suddenly decided I really would rather be home I could not get home quickly. the 3 hours #to get home is an inescapable barrier. No matter how sick I started feeling or how bad things are and how much I wish I was comfortable #and safe at home - the only way to get there is to get there. you knowwhat I mean lol? I can't just be home in 20 minutes #it's a 3 hour ride or nothing. etc. etc. Like if you're on a ship in the middle of the ocean and suddenly just desperately decided you need #to be back on land. there isn't anything you can do. nothing will get you back on land but to stay on the ship and travel the hours it take #to get there. there's no quick exit. No way out that isn't doing the thing you already really don't want to be doing anymore (being in a ca #r or being in a ocean or etc. No alternative route but to just suffer the situation longer). idk.. if that makes sense??#so with the heat sometimes it's like.. it's hot INSIDE and it's hot OUTSIDE and it's hot everywhere you go theres no escape #from it and nothing you can do but just.. be hot. no matter how desperate you are to just BE COLD even for a few minutes #you simply don't have the option. The only way to get cool again is to just wait out the hot weather. You can yearn for the feeling of a #cool breeze all you want but abdolutely nothing will get you colder than just to be miserable in place and wait for the passage of time.#I always get that feeling in the summer like after five 90+F degree days in a row you're like AAAAAAAAAA #JUST AN ESCAPE JUST A QUICK ESCAPE DEAR LORD ' and then 5 minutes later like 'hee he. no its fine. haha. im actually so okay #with my situation i am coping.' short bursts of heat induced frantic anxiety with some resigned calm in between ghjgj #ANYWAY. yes every year I complain about the same thing. I am a hater and a complainer first and foremost ggh.. I love to be honest and #express my thoughts and opinions. I think way too many people are so reserved and repress everything for the sake of like social etiquitte #or personal insecurity (like owrrying they're being annoying or talking too much or that novody cares what they say etc.)#and then that ends up causing passive agression and communication issues and resentments that boil under the surface for years because they #re never adequately expressed. I don't think complaining is an inherently negative thing and it's weird to me that people react so #like it's some sort of moral thing to be against it. Like of course within reason. don't complain to the point that you appreciate #none of the good things around you or like where you start bullying people or something. but broadly speaking. being able to express your #concerns and thoughts in small bursts easily and openly and release some of that tension is better than just holding onto it all and having #it come out larger later or making you internally miserable or etc.. ANYWAY.. yeaghh.. hate heat.. hopefully done with painting soon.etc.#daily log

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