#i make my stupid little picture jokes to cope with the pain

[grumpy-aino]

[nikamuhlstattoo]

in a good way (1)

"i didn't know that i was capable of being happy right now...but you showed me how."

cw: angst, mentions of death/su!c!de, mentions of self-harm, marijuana usage, drinking, explicit language, slow burn (im so sorry), panic attack(??), dad joke near the end, idk what else

a/n: this isn't really my first time writing angst (not on here) buttttt im still nervy. idk how to feel. i spent a dumb amount of time on this and it still sucks!! this series is also gonna be long so i apologize. but its necessary i promise! i just feel like ppl don't write about ellie falling in love enough. all of it. i wanna see and write all that stupid lovey stuff, from the start. idk how to write so be nice (ori'llcry) also listen to this song i love it sm.

you shoot awake, beads of sweat forming on your forehead and your breath quick. in out in out in out in out. for the past month you've been plagued by nightmares, making you wake up hyperventilating nearly every night. earlier this month marked the one year since your best friend passed away.

lucy meyer, the only person who truly understood you, took her own life last year on november 3rd. there's no word in the entire dictionary to express the pain you constantly felt. you tried so hard to cope, therapy sessions after therapy sessions. nothing helped. nothing could replace the comfort of being with lucy, just knowing she existed used to bring you happiness. lonely wasn't even a good word to describe how you felt, it was so much more than that. you felt so empty without her.

you had been doing "good" before now. you made a few new friends, dina, jesse, abby, and you left your house more. but the sudden reminder of lucy's absence sent you tumbling down again. it had only been a year. how were you meant to live a whole lifetime without her? without your best friend? the dull ache you felt in your chest worsened every day without her.

your eyes stung with tears as you slowly caught your breath. you were sitting up in your, almost overwhelmingly so, cozy bed. your eyes blinked quickly and rapidly, your eyes darting across your pitch black room. you eventually shoved the suffocatingly thick duvet off your body and stood from your queen bed. you lumber over to your bathroom, flickering on the warm lights and squinting from the brightness. you slowly adjust to the nearly blinding light, rubbing your tired eyes.

what you see in the mirror looks like a whole different person. you frown, seeing the dark under eye bags and sunken face. your hair's all frizzy and messed up from the terrible sleep you were having, you flatten it with your hands. your weary eyes glance down at the picture frame that sat on the sink, picking it up to get a better look at the photo in the frame. the photo was one of you and lucy two years ago in june, it was a selfie of you both in a pool. her long and curly black hair was pulled up into a high bun on top of her head. her dark blue eyes store into yours as you examine the photo, making you let out a choked sob as a tear runs down your face.

lucy was always beautiful. she was the most beautiful person you had ever met, inside and out. she had fairly pale skin and soft features. some acne was on her chin and left, rosy cheek. she had fluffy, arched eyebrows with a slit in her left one. you remember the day she put it there. she claimed she wanted to "look more edgy" with a giggle as she lifted the razor to her eyebrow, exposing her slit wrists when her long sleeves accidentally slipped down a little.

you set the picture frame back down and wipe the tears that must've fallen from your face at some point. you didn't exactly remember when they did. you quickly piss and wash your hands before you shut off the light and walk back into your bedroom, flopping onto your warm bed. the time on your phone said 4:24 am in a bright white font. you laid on your back in your bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. you didn't fall back asleep that night.

you were so glad you had no classes today, you rarely had fridays off but you just so happened to today. you were fucking lucky too, having something as drastic as your best friend dying happen and being a busy college student wasn't for the faint of heart. currently, your closest friend at the moment, dina, was dragging you to a party with her boyfriend jesse and one of their friends, ellie, who you've never met.

"damn...i'd hit. seriously though, you look hot." she winks at you after you exit your closet, dressed in a tiny jean skirt and see-through, hot pink, long sleeved shirt. since it was fairly see-through, you could see the pink bra you paired with it underneath.

if you were being honest, you didn't want to go to this stupid fucking party. you wanted to stay home, and maybe cry a little. most of all. you wanted lucy. you needed lucy.

while you fix up your hair for the party, dina's phone buzzes. the message was from jesse, telling her that he was there and ellie was gonna meet you guys there. as you stand, dina gives you a wink and playfully smacks your ass as you roll your eyes and walk out the doorway. walking up to jesse's black jeep ranger, you slide into the back seat and dina sits in the passenger seat, dina mumbling a small "hi, babe" with a giggle. jesse smiles at her, pressing a kiss to her forehead before he turns his attention to you.

"yn! you hoe! i missed you, where've you been!?" jesse practically yells at you, making you flinch slightly before chuckling. you really had missed jesse.

"y'know...i have a mysterious reputation to uphold. gotta go ghost every now and then." you jokingly huff out, looking down at your lap and flattening your jean mini skirt. the words them both chuckle out a small laugh, it was comforting to hear that noise again. but you knew dina knew. she always did.

already feeling nauseous, the car pulled over and parked on the street near the house. the cool night breeze burned your exposed legs, making you shiver slightly. people were spilling out of the front door and sitting on the lawn, most people smoking with a drink in their other hand. the base boosted music could be heard from outside the house, making your head hurt already. you felt sick, you needed a drink or something.

walking past loads of drunk young adults, all three of you make it into the house, finding it fairly crowded. jesse goes off to find a place to sit while you and dina make your way to the kitchen, finding it slightly less crowded. dina poured you both shots, which you downed immediately, cringing as the liquid burned your throat. you perk up when you notice a stack of red solo cups, quickly grabbing one and pouring whatever drinks there was out into your cup, making a brown drink that hurt to swallow.

dina leaves you to find and probably make out with jesse, leaving you alone to babysit your drink. bad idea. you never could drink responsibly, finding it impossible to stop once you've started. the warm feeling that grew in your lower stomach and how your mind melted into mush was unbeatable.

"hey, you were lucy meyer's friend right?" a voice rang from in front of you, urging you to look up at the stranger. it felt like you've been here for an hour, your heels aching from the constant standing. "were". your chin quivered at the reminder of your best friend's permanent absence. you look up at the stranger, blinking away the haze in your eyes.

"uh, yeah...w-why?" you mumble out with a chuckle, tripping over your words. while drunk, everything was funny, letting you feel something good for the first time in a while.

"oh, no reason, you just looked familiar. um...sorry about what happened n' stuff.." and suddenly nothing was funny anymore. it was too crowded, too many people. you found yourself overwhelmed and suddenly you felt like you couldn't breathe. constantly breathing in warm, used air, you thought you might choke.

you don't even reply before stumbling away, almost frantically trying to get to the back door. you elbow your way through the crowds of people, not bothering to apologize to the people who curse at you. you quickly slide open the glass door to try and get fresh air. you plop down on the top step of the back porch and attempt to catch your breath, completely unaware of the person who was sitting beside you, curiously eyeing you up and down.

your elbows rest on your knees, your face in your hands as you try not to cry. maybe you were overdramatic, but just hearing lucy's name made you tear up. still unaware of the girl next to you, you sniffle and huff into your hands. suddenly there was a soft tap on your shoulder, making you jump a little as you pull your face out of your hands, looking over to your left at the mystery person.

"hey, uh...you alright?" the girl asks, scratching the back of her neck. you want the world to swallow you, bury you in a hole to never be found again.

you take a moment to take in her appearance. she had auburn hair that stopped a little above her shoulders, the layers made it almost look like a mullet and it was styled in a half-up half-down bun. she had mossy green eyes, the kind you could easily get lost in. the way her right eyebrow was slightly raised made you notice the small scar through it. you immediately thought of lucy. you wonder how she got it. her face was covered in pretty freckles, clusters of them painting constellations across her face. she had a half-burnt blunt in her left hand, her elbow resting on her bent knee.

you stare at her with wide, teary eyes, mouth slightly agape and seemingly out of breath. you blink a few times before haphazardly wiping your eyes -- trying not to smudge your makeup -- and looking away, looking up at the night sky. "fine... sorry, have you been sitting there this whole time?" you ask, your eyes drifting over to her again.

"kinda, yeah.." she responds with a quiet chuckle, huffing a small laugh through her nose. her smile makes a warm feeling flutter in your stomach. even though you literally just met her, you felt sorta comfortable around her. she had some weirdly nice presence. "you look familiar, what's your name? i'm ellie."

ellie. what a pretty name for such a pretty girl... seriously, she was crazily handsome. wait. suddenly it clicked in your head. "ellie? as in ellie williams or...?" you asked hesitantly, snapping your head to look over at her. she was already looking at you, silently admiring the way the moon hit your face.

"yeah... how'd the fuck you know that?" she asks with a laugh, her eyes narrowing at you. she shifts on the step slightly, turning to face you a little more. your knees almost touch, both of you angled at each other. there's a small smirk playing on her lips, a playful glint in her jade eyes.

her smile makes you dumbly smile as you explain, "dina and jesse told me about you, they really wanted us to meet." you're not sure why you're smiling. there isn't really a reason to smile, especially not when you think about the whole reason you came out here in the first place.

"oh shit! are you y/n?" the blunt in her hand was completely forgotten about. she put it out on the spot next to her on the old wooden steps. she shifted to face you even more, her body nearly completely turned. you did the same. you nod at her, a small smile still on your lips.

you both talk. and talk. and talk. for what feels like hours. strangely enough, being around ellie made you forget about everything. all the shit that went down last year, this dumb fucking party. all of it. you felt sorta free. you didn't think about lucy, about what you two would be doing right now, if she was still here. no. none of that. you're in the present for once in your fucking life. you didn't even think about how cold it was outside, you didn't care.

ellie made you feel free. even though you only just met her. thinking about it too hard made you feel a little crazy. 'you only just met this girl, how do you already feel so good around her?' so you don't think about that either. a loud buzz buzz came from your handbag, pulling you away from the conversation you were having. you open your phone to a text from dina.

dee 🩷: wgere tf r u girl

you: outside

you: r u guys trying to leave?

dee 🩷: yss

dee 🩷: hrry my feeet hurt

you look back over to ellie, frowning. "i gotta go."

"aww, you didn't even get to hear the rest of my cool dad jokes."

"i knowww. this stinks."

"can i at least get your number... y'know, to show you all my cool dad jokes?"

you huff a laugh through your nose and wait for her to pull out her phone. you quickly put in your number as you hear your own phone buzz again. dina was so impatient. you save your contact name as "y/n :)"

"can't wait to hear 'em all!" you joke to her as you walk back into the house.

the drive home was fine. they blasted some pop music dina loved, she screamed along to the lyrics, still plastered. they quickly arrived at your house.

you walk up the carpeted stairs to your apartment room, keys jingling in your hand. as you open the door, you flicker the lights on and kick off your shoes. fuck high heels.

home. a lot of people say "home is where i'm happy." or whatever. but its kinda the opposite for you. home is where you allow yourself to feel, where you think. your mind's not mush anymore, you can think and feel again. and all you feel is hurt. that stupid ache is back. the dull feeling in your chest that just won't budge. at home you feel like you're slowly being sucked into a black hole.

you huff and toss your bag onto the table, phone in your other hand. you shuffle to your bedroom, turning off the main lights and on your bedroom lights. you strip from your uncomfortable clothes and into comfy clothes, sleep shorts and a big t-shirt. you flicker the lights back off and flop onto your big bed, letting the comforters consume you.

you sit there for a few minutes until your phone buzzes. it's a text from ellie. she texted you on your ride home so you already saved her contact.

you stupidly smile at your bright phone screen, shaking your head and turning it back off. you plug it in and set it on your bedside table. you lay back in your bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. your hand reaches up and grabs the necklace you were wearing. it was lucy's. you rub the L shaped charm between your pointer and thumb, turning to lay on your side.

that night you dreamt of green eyes and short, auburn hair.

[themoonmunchkin]

Don't look!

Pairing : Bakugo katsuki x gn!reader, Midoriya Izuku x gn!reader, Todoroki Shoto x gn!reader.

Genre : fluff

Warnings : insecure reader, cussing, savage deku?, kinda angsty but overall super fluffy ^3^

Synopsis : you're insecure about your side profile but they're having none of it.

Not gonna lie, he probably wouldn't even have known that this was an insecurity that people had.

So when you first start dating he wouldn't think much of it when you cover your nose while laughing or when you contour your jawline extra hard.

Until one day you start letting your thoughts get to you again, you think about how everyone around you have such a beautiful side profile.

You start wondering why Katsuki even bothers to be with someone as "ugly" as yourself, I mean has he seen his face.

But anyways you start distancing yourself from the world again, start hiding your face with your hair, have mental break downs in the night, refuse to take pictures and completely shut him out while thinking you're being subtle.

But no, no, no- my mans noticed...and he's currently having a full blown panic attack on the inside.

He's really worried at this point and starts thinking about what he's done wrong, he tries to talk to you but you're always making excuses and running away from him.

Now, he's had enough and so he quite literally barges into your dorm room and demands an explanation as he keeps shouting at you until....

.....he takes in your tear stained face with fresh tears forming at the corner of your eyes.

You were seated on the floor with a hand mirror clutched to your chest, the same one that you use to point out all your insecurities in, your phone is on the ground next to you with a picture of a model, her perfect side profile on display...the same one that you always compare yourself to.

Cue in a confused, angry and sad boom boom boy 😔.

Who the fuck had the audacity to make his baby cry hmm 🤬.

But then his anger vanishes just as it comes and before you knew it, he's shut the door behind him, quickly walks upto you, swoops you into his arms and cradles you in his lap.

"Ssshhh....its ok baby, I'm right here". Bakugo softly coos in your ear while running his fingers through your hair and letting his other hand rub your back. "Talk to me honey, what's wrong?"

You pull back a little and look up at him into his pain filled eyes that still hold so much love for you and that's when you tell him everything.

You tell him about how you've always hated your nose, how you've always wished you'd had a more chiseled jawline, how you've been bullied about your side profile by your peers and how you've never felt good enough.

He still doesn't get it because you're genuinely the most stunning person he's ever laid his eyes on, but understands how this is something that seriously bothers you and so he's gonna do everything in his powers to yeet those insecurities out.

Now Bakugo isn't one to lie or sugarcoat something, but he's also not someone who'll let you sit and hurt yourself like that.

He takes a deep breath, cups your cheeks in his hands and looks at you with the most earnest look on his face.

"Listen here baby, you're right maybe you don't have the most chiseled jawline or the sharpest nose out there-"

You winced at that a little but he was quick to speak again.

"I'm not done yet-" he closes his eyes and thinks for a second, words have never been his thing as he's someone who prefers actions instead but right now you needed more than just a kiss or a hug, you needed security and reassurance, so he takes in another deep breath and opens his eyes to look at you again.

"-just because you don't have those doesn't mean you're any less beautiful." He said with a smile as you curiously looked at him. You looked so damn cute to him all he wanted to do was pounce on you right then and there, but he held himself back for your sake and the next things he said made you fall in love with him even more.

"What you have suits your gorgeous fucking face, you don't have to change for any stupid extra and no one's opinion, not even yours is going to make me view you any differently or make me love you any less." He leaned in and gave you a chaste kiss on your lips that pretty much took your breath away and then he pulled back with a cute blush on his face.

"So from now on only listen to me okay and no matter what-" he kisses you again and pulls back a second time "-I will make you look at yourself the way I and so many other people look at you".

Now he's had his fair share of insecurities and he's had a lot of people call him "plain looking" (which I still don't understand how when he's got some of the rarest and most beautiful features) even then those words about his looks have never really got to him.

But when it comes to you, he immediately knows something's up with all those self-deprecating jokes you apparently find to be funny.

Doesn't question you cause he doesn't want to scare you away, also because he trusts you to come to him if something is wrong.

But alas you and your stubborn ass refused to seek help from anyone and instead you chose to cope with yourself by putting yourself down in the form of those awful "jokes".

You've always tried to get yourself to stop this, but it soon became more than a coping mechanism, it was the only way you could hold yourself up without wanting breaking into peices.

That was dangerous.

But it's ok! It's still all fine and dandy until one day everything changes and you realise that all that self-deprecation didn't do shit.

Its Sunday today and you and your boyfriend Izuku have been walking around the shopping plaza for a while now.

The two of you were on a date, but you were also on a hunt for the new all might merch that your boyfriend has been fangirling about since forever. So far there was no luck on your end but y'all weren't about to give up just yet.

"OMG! I think I see it in there!" Izuku squeals cutely while pointing at what looks like a moderately big comic store that had an emo cyber punk looking aesthetic to it.

*Gasp*..."OMG! I think I see it too!! Let's go!!" and with that you grabbed his hand and were dragging your blushy stuttering mess of a boyfriend towards the store. It was adorable how easily he got flustered even after how the two of you were almost half a year into dating.

The two of you finally reached the store and stepped in, there it was the brand new neon tinted holographic Allmight figuring with working layers. Izuku's eyes sparkled as he ran towards it and immediately snatched it off the shelf.

"Yay we finally got it!" You cheered as you walked over to him and gave him a high five. The two of you had bright smiles on your faces as you talked about the figuring and walked towards the counter to pay for it.

You looked towards the counter where a young girl who looked about your age was working as a cashier, she had this bored expression on her face until she saw your boyfriend and it immediately changed into something you could only call as a flirty expression.

"Hey there handsome~ what can I help you with today~" she said in a sultry tone and gave him a wink. You and izuku were both puzzled at the fact that she not only just openly flirted with your boyfriend but also completely ignored your existence.

"U-um....er....we just need this figuring please". Izuku placed the box covered figuring on the counter and was about to pull his hands back when she quickly grabbed them and cupped them with her own hands.

"You sure, how about I give you my number and we ditch this place to go get coffee."

"Um -uh no thank you, I have a s/o!"

"Hmm...I don't see them."

"Well I'm right here and maybe you'd have seen me if you'd stop flirting with your customers and did your job properly." You said and at this point you were seething because even though she knew you were right there, she hadn't spared you a glance and pretend like you were completely invisible.

"Oh, so that's who you are....I was wondering why such an ugly person would be hanging out with someone like him-" she pauses and looks into Izuku's eyes with a bored expression "-you need to raise your standards, I mean have you looked at how hideous their nose is or how ugly their face is."

The two of you froze. Sure You've always made fun of yourself before but this was the exact reason why. You've always told yourself that if you'd make fun of yourself, you'd be desensitized to what others say to you but it's only now you realize that no amount of preparation would ever be enough to handle the real thing.

Shame. Humiliation. Pain. Fear.....This is what you felt at the momen-

"How. Dare. You." You turned towards Izuku and for the first time ever you were met with the most terrifying expression on his face. His eyes were dark and he looked...mad....like really really mad and you froze, the cashier looked like she was about to cry with the look he was giving her.

"I don't know who you think you are but you had no need to say whatever you just said and you are wrong because they have the most gorgeous facial features ever." at this he turned to you and softened his eyes a bit, he reached for your hand and gave you a gentle squeeze.

"I promise you sweetheart, you will always be the most beautiful person in my life and no one can tell you otherwise-" he looked at the slack jawed cashier with disgust and pointed towards her "-not stupid people like her-" he looked back into your eyes like you were the only two people in the store and pointed towards himself "-not me and lastly never will you ever tell yourself those kinds of words again even as a joke, got it."

Always openly staring at you in the most respectful way ✨.

Even before y'all started dating he would always stare at you in secret, but hey! it's not his fault you were so irresistibly attractive all the time.

Uhm...so moving on, he is observant as heck especially when it comes to you but unfortunately he's just as oblivious T_T.

He's always noticed how you'd get shy and walk away whenever he'd stare at you for too long and genuinely thinks it's adorable at how bashful you get.

But truthfully.....you're mortified, paranoid even at how much he stares at you.

I mean yeah it's adorable to see him so whipped for you but you're always wondering if he's secretly bashing your side profile in his head and the thought makes you wince ever single time.

But you always tell yourself to not let your insecurities define Shoto or effect your relationship and besides Shoto isn't a cruel person, he'd never think of you that way.....right...?

Oh God, he's doing it again, he's staring at you and this time it truly is terrible because he is seated right beside you. The two of you are seated wooden chairs, side by side in the U.A. library.

Your textbooks and notebooks are spread out on the table in front of you. You're in a more secluded part of the library opting to study in a more private area and boy oh boy did Shoto take advantage of that.

"Shoto, could you please stop staring at me like that". You held your textbook upto your face and looked the other way.

"But I want to look at you". Shoto pouted slightly and furrowed his brows at your actions, he reached for your wrists and tried to pull them down and to much to your inconvenience, he succeeded.

You see, while you still had a bunch of work left to do, Shoto had finished about 15 minutes ago. You told him to go back to the dorms but instead of listening to you, he denied your offer and has been staring at you with the most unreadable expression on his face.

"Why can't I admire the one that I love the most". He slightly tilted his head towards the side and flashed you the most genuine smile. Damn him for being so adorable but that's not enough for your insecurities to go away.

"Because I'm ugly". You finally said softly with your head hung low and tears threatening to fall. You wanted to shrivel up in a corner and fade away for sounding so vulnerable but at the same time it felt so good to let your thoughts out.

"You're....what..." His eyes were wide and his jaw was set a slack. Now this took him by surprise, he had expected a lot of things but never once had he expected....that. He gently grabbed your chin and tilted your face to meet his. "Love, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met, why would you ever say that."

"Because I'm not beautiful, everyone has such a gorgeous face especially from their side. I don't and you don't have to lie to me to make feel better about myself. I know I'm ugly and I'll always be that....just let me accept that and be Shoto." You said with your voice slightly raised and shaky from the lump in your throat.

Shoto's eyes darkened a little and his grip on you tightened a little but not enough to hurt you. To even think that someone as precious as yourself could ever have such awful thoughts about yourself- how long have you been silently suffering like this all by yourself.

He cupped your cheeks with his hands and met your eyes with the most determined look on his face. "Darling, I don't know who said that to you or even if that's an inside voice but, I will absolutely never let you accept yourself this way."

"Everything about you is perfect, from those gorgeous eyes that i always get lost in," he kisses your eyes.

"-to that perfect nose that helps you breath so you could live by my side another," he kisses your nose.

"-to those delicate beckoning lips that I wish to kiss forever." he finally captures your lips in a breath taking kiss just to slowly release them and look at you.

"And besides, you know better than to call me a liar baby, you know that I would never lie when it comes to you so let's pack up for today and let me show you how much I love you and how utterly enticing you are."

[giaourtopita]

Hello! I’m a sucker for that sweet angst and I’m sorry in advance!😭So can I request the brothers with an Mc who has a few months to live because of an illness they were born with? How do they send their time with Mc? How do they react when Mc dies?

mc dies due to a congenital disease

first of all, thank you for requesting!! i didn't really expect a request tbh. and i really hope i did this justice, i even started listening to a sad playlist to get even more in the mood to write this!! i hope you'll like it <333

warnings; gn mc, angst, death, unhealthy habits, sad just so sad, slight medical talk, alcohol used as a coping mechanism but not to an unhealthy amount, lesson 35-36 spoilers in asmo's and beel's part, lesson 16 spoilers in belphie's part.

(first of all i would like to say that none of them would react well but all of them would try to spend as much time as possible with mc)

lucifer

- would not believe them at first, he would think this is just belphie and satan playing a sick joke on him.

- believes it only after seeing the mc talking to doctors and trying to find a course of treatment.

- throws himself into work, trying to convince himself the situation will resolve itself.

- once he comes to term with it, he would try to spend as much time as possible with them

- he would take them to as many new places he can, and try to give them many new experiences before it happens.

- would even ask barbatos if he can go back in time to find them a cure.

- when the inevitable happens he thinks his father is the one to blame, it's his fault for everything. them falling, lilith dying and now this. "why can't he just leave us alone?".

- throws himself into work again but only this time he's working so hard his brothers and friends had to talk some sense to him.

- diavolo gives him some time to pull himself together, and because he has so much time on his hands, he locks himself in the comfort of his room and drinks to feel just so he can stop feeling for a little while.

- only gets better when he sees mammon trying to take care of him and be responsible with money and around the house.

mammon

- "mc you're joking right? you're my human, you can't die! ya hear me?"

- he would be attached at the mc's hips. even starts staying in their room to watch them.

- acts like he's fine when they're around but when he's alone he gets overwhelmed, he can't imagine how his life will be after mc is gone.

- also gets mad at his father "why do you hate us so much?" *he yells at the sky while sobbing*

-he's so frustrated with this situation because who will be nice to him when mc is gone?

- will try to get the witches to help him but it's a lost cause, there's no cure magical or not.

- when it happens, he blames himself. he blames himself because he failed to help them, even tho they always helped him.

- his scheming will get insufferable, he will try to get as much grimm as he can so he can buy things that remind him of the mc.

- he hoards all those things he buys all around the house actually. and if anyone anyone tries to throw those things away he gets agitated and turns into his demon form to fight them.

- will get better once he sees levi trying to pick all the things mammon left in his room.

leviathan

- "what? why? no, you can't die! stupid normie, you can't just leave me all alone like that" ... "we need more time!"

- he feels useless because there's nothing he can do, "the lord of shadows would have find a way to help his henry".

- hates it when his brothers take away the mc from him and starts throwing tantrums when they're not around, the rest of the brothers can't imagine how it will be in the future.

- tries to go outside more with them so he has memories with them that don't include sitting in his room and watching anime, those times he went outside he actually appreciated being there.

- also makes them stay in his room, they sleep in his arms and he starts sleeping in his demon form, wrapping his tail around the mc so they can't go anywhere, he knows this is pointless.

- still tries to watch as much anime as possible but when a character he likes dies, he finds himself sobbing like a baby not because he's sad for the character but because he knows this will happen to his henry.

- when they pass away he feels numb, he did all the crying when they were still there with him, he becomes an even bigger shut-in doesn't want to meet any new people especially not humans, not because he hates them but because they remind him of the mc.

- the only reason he leaves his room is to go swimming, he does that even more than he used to. his younger brothers were worried but lucifer thinks this is a healthier alternative to anything else he could do.

- is so angry at his father that he threatens war to the celestial realm using the devildom's navy.

- only got better when lucifer tried to reason him, he knows the mc wouldn't want him to do that but he doesn't know what else to do or how to mourn the human.

satan

- does not believe them, they look healthy to him so what are they talking about?? only believes them when they start talking about symptoms or he sees the symptoms himself.

- starts looking for a magical remedy to make them feel better, or even a cure. but it's no use, he can't find anything helpful other than pain relief magic. he even asks solomon but he wasn't able to give him something useful to work with.

- reads to them books about characters who feel how he feels because he can't bring himself to actually tell them how awful he is feeling.

- tries to spend as much time as possible with them even if it's for the silliest, most insignificant things there are.

- is barely able to keep himself together, he gets agitated by the smallest things you can imagine.

- after their death he feels as if a big part of his identity vanished, he feels how he used to feel about himself before he made up with lucifer and he hates that.

- going to a cat cafe or a library don't cheer him up as much as they used to, he just wishes to be with them and nothing else.

- is angry at himself and at god. he's angry at himself because even tho he knows so many things he wasn't able to save them and he's angry at god because everything is his fault.

- asmo suggests he writes a book about them and their shared memories, since he loved them and he loves books satan finds this idea excellent, however it doesn't help much because whenever he starts writing he gets so into it that he neglects himself.

- is able to kinda pull himself together when he sees lucifer bringing him a cat for emotional support, they both know this is not a permanent solution but it will help him cope for now.

asmodeus

minor lesson 35 spoiler!!

- "what?? no no no!! this isn't happening mc!! we will find a solution i promise!"

- asks solomon and his fans to help but there's nothing they can do to help.

- buys them as many pretty outfits he can and takes photos of them to remember.

- is actually the first one to accept what is going to happen, after all he's used to losing the people that he loves, some leave due to jealousy and others die.

- does even more sleepovers in his room with the mc so they can have lots of fun together, even if this situation is very sad he tries to be positive and make the best memories he can with them

- though he still looks cheerful, he's so sad internally he doesn't know what to do after his mc is gone. he feels as if he won't be the same without them because he's one of the very few people who didn't care about his looks and loved him for him, he will miss this feeling so much that he's trying cling onto it as much as time allows him to.

- after it happens, he is also numb. not because he grieved before they died but because he tries to shut down his feelings by indulging in his sin, going clubbing and spoiling himself even more than before.

- though none if the above are as fun now that he can't do them with them, he gets to the point where he stops listening to lucifer and starts talking to everyone in a sarcastic tone.

- clings to solomon because even though he knows that solomon can't die, he can't help but feel like he needs to. solomon was able to talk some sense to him after lucifer told him about his behaviour. gets better when his brothers start aggressively pointing out his awful behaviour and how much they care about him and his well-being.

beelzebub

lesson 36 spoiler!!

- "NO! this can't be happening again! you stole lilith from us and now you're doing it again with mc!" *is sobbing while yelling*

- will also camp in their room to watch them and spend time with them.

- will take them to every single one of his games, and will try to take as many pictures as possible.

- takes them to every restaurant he knows of and makes them do taste testing, he notes everything they like in a cookbook, filled with every food the mc likes, and makes it for them when they're hungry.

- sad that there's nothing he can do to help and even sadder that mc was always able to help him when he needed to.

- feels guilty about this situation because mc had to use their life essence, their already limited amount of time, to save his life.

- he cuddles them to sleep, but most of the time it's not because they need it. he actually does it because he needs it and mc knows this.

- when mc passes away he goes out of control, always going on a rampage when someone from his team mentions how he's a free demon without a pact now, he misses mc so much.

- he is constantly in a bad mood and sometimes he's so sad that he forgets to eat even if he's starving.

- only starts to pull himself together when belphie tries to take care of him by cooking and forcing him to eat when he doesn't at least try to eat the most important meals of the day.

belphegor

lesson 16 spoiler!!

- "did lucifer made you say this? i know our last prank was a bit over the top but this is inappropriate" mc explains to him while showing him their test results.

- drags them to attic and cuddles them while yelling and sobbing, not wanting to believe it.

- he would stay awake more than his normal self so they can spend more time together, even if it's just cuddling or talking.

- he tries to find a spell to at least make them live a little longer, but it's hopeless there's nothing he can do.

- also feels guilty, not only does mc get to experience their death for the second time but so do his brothers.

- clings onto them as much as he can.

- when they die it's like he falls into a coma, when people try to wake him up he doesn't even flinch it's like he wants to be in a coma.

- has made it so that he gets such vivid dreams that he can visit mc in them and that's the reason he won't wake up.

- wakes up when he hears beel cry about him, mc and lilith. tries to get over it for beel.

[morganaspendragonss]

reckless but honest words

However much TK had thought he’d grown used to his parents’ shit, he’s far from prepared for the next words that come out of his dad’s mouth.

“We’re - that is to say, your mom - well… We’re having a baby.”

ao3 | 2.3k | title from anger by sleeping at last

TK narrows his eyes as he walks into his parents’ house, the trepidation that’s been building throughout the day coming to a peak as he spots them waiting for him on the couch. His dad had texted earlier, specifically requesting he come home tonight instead of going to Carlos’s, and while TK hadn’t exactly had any objections, it had given him a bad feeling.

His suspicions are instantly confirmed when he sees his parents’ unnatural postures, the way they’re smiling at him just a bit too widely. He walks in cautiously, feeling weirdly like he’s heading into a trap, though there’s nothing in the room that would outwardly suggest so.

Just his mom and dad, and how they keep looking between him and each other, like they’re in on some sort of joke that TK’s the butt of. 

“What’s going on?” he asks, easing himself into an armchair. They share another glance - giggling, for god’s sake - and clasp hands.

“TK,” his dad starts. “Your mom and I… We’ve got some news.”

TK eyes them warily, his mind instantly flashing to the possibility that his dad’s cancer is back. He dismisses the thought almost immediately - they’re far too happy for it to be that - but he also can’t think of what else it could be. Maybe his mom is moving in permanently? Which… TK wouldn’t be opposed, but he’s not sure how much longer he can cope with their bickering, and he’s barely here half the time.

“Do you want to tell him?” his dad asks, but she shakes her head and waves her hand towards him.

“Go ahead.”

And however much TK had thought he’d grown used to his parents’ shit, he’s far from prepared for the next words that come out of his dad’s mouth.

“We’re - that is to say, your mom - well… We’re having a baby.”

They grin at him, waiting expectantly for…congratulations, TK guesses? A hysterical laugh bubbles up in his chest, and he’s barely able to push it down, clamping his jaw firmly shut until he feels like he’s in control again.

“You… You’re serious,” he says eventually.

“Well, it’s hardly the sort of thing you joke about,” his dad says, laughing a little. His mom swats at him, but they’re both still smiling, both still acting like this isn’t incredibly fucked up.

“How long have you known?”

“A while,” his mom admits. “We weren’t going to keep it, but then we thought about it and we realised that we both want a child. Another one.”

TK barely notices her hastily added-on amendment. He gets what she means - he’s not a child, and hasn’t been in many years. He’s more stuck on the fact that they’re choosing to bring another child into this pressure cooker of a household, and not seeing anything wrong with that.

Even when he’d been a kid, TK had felt like he was being pulled in every direction, constantly caught in the middle of their arguments. The feeling’s eased now he’s an adult, but only because he knows he has places to escape to when it all becomes too much. He hadn’t had that growing up, and this new kid won’t have it either. 

Maybe he’s being too unfair on them; maybe they can pull it together after all. But, having borne witness to their behaviour these past few months, TK kind of doubts it. Knowing them, they’ll have decided to keep the kid by way of an argument.

And TK knows it’s far from his decision to make, but he can’t help but question them. “Are you sure you’ve thought this through?” he asks. 

Their faces drop, smiles faltering as they look at each other, seemingly having a wordless conversation. His dad nods encouragingly, and his mom turns back to him, reaching across the gap between them to take TK’s hands in her own.

“Honey…” she sighs. “We know the risks, alright? Lord knows we’ve both done enough googling. But I’m healthy, and I know what I need to do to make this pregnancy as safe as possible, and we truly believe we can beat the odds. It’ll be fine, I promise.”

She smiles hesitantly, and TK just gapes, not quite understanding how she’s managed to miss the point this badly.

“That’s not what I… Wow.” He presses his lips together in a firm line, standing up abruptly and dropping his mom’s hands. “Okay.”

He shakes his head and turns to go, but he’s stopped when they also rise, effectively blocking his path.

“Where are you going?” his mom asks, frowning in confusion.

TK feels a twinge of guilt, but he pushes it away. “Carlos’s.”

“Now, hold on a minute there, son,” his dad says. “I thought you could stay here tonight, we could have a meal as a family for once. You’re barely here these days.”

“Wonder why,” he mutters, though clearly not quietly enough judging by the way his dad flinches. TK can’t bring himself to care. “I’m going,” he says, louder this time. “I’ll see you at work.”

He squeezes past them, and makes it to the door before he’s stopped again.

“I thought you’d be happy for us.”

TK freezes, hand on the doorknob. “I am,” he lies through gritted teeth, and he doesn’t need to look to see the disappointment written all over his dad’s face. “Congrats.”

He’s gone before they can get another word in, just barely refraining from slamming the door behind him. His skin itches, his whole body jittery and on edge, and TK briefly laments the fact that he’s in no way dressed for running. He has clothes inside that he could change into, but there’s no way he’s going back in there now. He’ll just have to stick it out until he can get to Carlos’s.

Getting into his car, TK has to resist the urge to hit the steering wheel. But he doesn’t trust his parents enough to think that they aren’t watching him from the window, so he simply starts the ignition, driving away without a backward glance.

*

Carlos is surprised when he walks in, pausing his meal with the fork halfway to his mouth.

“TK,” he says, frowning. “I thought you were staying with your parents tonight.”

“Me too.” TK scowls, tossing his keys into the bowl and making a beeline for the bedroom. He feels bad for ignoring Carlos like that, but he’s worried that if he stops to think, he’ll snap, and Carlos doesn’t deserve that.

Carlos must follow him up the stairs anyway, as when TK looks up from yanking his spare running clothes out of the drawers, he’s standing in the doorway, the picture of concern. He sighs, sitting back on his heels, taking a moment to collect himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just… They asked me over because they had some news, and it sort of threw me. I needed to get out of there.”

Carlos nods in understanding. “Is it your dad? Was there a problem with the cancer, or something?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“That’s good, right?” Carlos is looking at him with those wide, worried eyes of his, and TK feels a little bit of his anger drain away at the sight.

“That part is, yeah,” he allows. “I’m not sure the same can be said for the rest.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

TK hesitates, then rises from the floor, shaking his head. “I will, later,” he promises, “but right now I just need to be alone.”

He quickly changes and grabs his headphones from the night stand, though he stops in his tracks when he catches sight of Carlos’s pained expression.

“Hey,” he says, crossing the room and cupping Carlos’s face in one hand. “I’m not shutting you out, I swear. I need air and some time to think, that’s all. Promise I won’t do anything stupid.”

He smiles and holds his pinky out, and Carlos huffs a brief laugh. He links their pinkies and meets TK’s eyes, searching his face. “I’m holding you to that, Strand.”

TK presses a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

*

He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but by the time he gets back he’s winded, and his thoughts are no less scrambled. The lights in the living room are off when TK walks in, but he can see a soft glow coming from upstairs that lets him know that Carlos is still awake. He’s sitting up in bed, reading, when TK manages to drag himself to the bedroom, having already showered and changed. He holds an arm out in invitation, and TK goes gratefully into the embrace, leaning his head on Carlos’s shoulder.

Carlos absent-mindedly traces circles on TK’s arm with his thumb, a silent comfort that TK relishes in.

“My mom’s pregnant,” he says eventually.

Carlos freezes. “Oh. That’s… Wow.”

TK chuckles humourlessly. “I know.” He sighs. “I feel like I shouldn’t be mad, but I can’t help it. I mean, I knew something was up, they’ve both been acting cagey for ages, but I just… I never thought it would be this.”

“I think you’ll be forgiven for not expecting it,” Carlos comments drily. 

TK hums, fiddling with the sheets. “It’s not just that, though. I’m pissed that they didn’t tell me, sure, but I’m less mad for me, and more for this kid. I know what it’s like to grow up with them, and you’ve seen how terrible the past few months have been. I can’t believe they’re seriously going to put another kid through it all.”

“Maybe they’ll work things out,” Carlos suggests, though even he sounds doubtful.

“I want to believe that. But…”

“But?”

“I don’t think they even noticed it,” he confesses, voice quiet. “I was so alone as a kid, but Mom had her firm and Dad had the firehouse, and I was just...there. I know they loved me, but that doesn’t mean they were great parents, and I don’t think they realise even half of what they did. They’re having this baby because they want the good times back, and they’re forgetting just how many bad times there were.”

Carlos squeezes his shoulders. “Shit, Ty-”

“You know it’s part of the reason I became a firefighter?” TK asks. He should probably feel guilty for interrupting, but it’s like some dam has broken inside of him and it’s all coming spilling out whether he wants it to or not. “I’d see my dad with his crew - with this family he’d built at the firehouse - and I just… I wanted in. I wanted my family back, but I couldn’t have that so I settled for inserting myself into his.

“It sort of worked, I guess. We were close. But he’s never been a father to me, exactly, not in the way I needed. I’m okay with it now, but I’m worried the same is going to happen all over again.”

Carlos waits, but TK’s done this time, gritting his teeth against the emotion welling up in him 

“Have you spoken to your dad about any of this?” Carlos asks.

TK scoffs. “I tried. Remember my identity crisis after I got shot? I went to him and told him, but he just turned it on me and started talking about 9/11 again. It’s like, I know how bad it was. I know his whole house was killed, and I know how badly that hurt him. But I was seven, and I lived through it too. It’s not the same, I get that, but I did. I think he forgets that sometimes.”

He groans, slumping down further into the bed - and, by extension, into Carlos. “I sound like a dick, don’t I?”

Carlos is silent for a long time, and when TK looks up at him, he’s worrying his bottom lip, brows creased in a frown. 

“I think…” he starts slowly, turning his head to meet TK’s eyes. “I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. Everything you just said… I can’t even imagine, Ty.”

TK stares at him, startled by how firm, how fervent Carlos’s voice is. There’s anger there, too, and it’s strangely comforting to know he’s not alone in his frustrations. Even so, TK feels the need to reassure him.

“Hey,” he murmurs, lightly touching Carlos’s arm. “You know I’m okay, right? I’m over all that.”

Carlos sends him a doubtful look.

“Mostly,” he amends. “Besides, I have you now, and the team. I’m not the one who needs to be worried about.”

“I’ll always worry about you,” Carlos says, but he sighs, relenting. “You should talk to your parents, though. They need to know how you’re feeling, especially if they’re going through with this.”

TK shrugs non-commitantly. “Yeah, maybe. Not like they’ll listen to me.”

Carlos sighs. “TK -”

“Can we not talk about this anymore?” TK interrupts, turning pleading eyes on his boyfriend. He’s tired of thinking about his parents, and he feels more than a little guilty for taking over their evening complaining about them, like he’s done far too many times before. He points to the book lying abandoned at Carlos’s side. “Tell me about that?”

Carlos sends him a look, emphatically letting TK know that he’s not going to let him push this away, but he does eventually pick up the book. “I don’t think it’s something you’ll like,” he warns.

“You like it,” TK says. “That’s enough for me.”

The brilliant smile Carlos sends him is almost enough to make him forget everything else that happened tonight. And when he starts talking, TK closes his eyes and lets Carlos’s beautiful voice wash over him, chasing any other thoughts from his head.

It’s peace, of a kind.

[prose-for-hire]

What’s a soul without it’s mate?

Part one

Pairing: Willow x vamp!reader

Request: Mostly requested by myself and a kind and encouraging anon for a sequel to ‘a lie taken to the grave’

A/N: I like a reader with a bit of a backstory/personality. Mention of past Bangel. You guys seemed to like the first part, so I hope the second part is just as enjoyable 🖤💖

You had tried not to wait outside her house like some kind of monster. Like this obsessive creature of the night she had no doubt pictured you as in her mind. But not checking on her, making sure she was safe, was hard. You had tried to speak to her earlier but she was now heavily guarded by her friends at all times, especially after dark.

You had come to speak to her, not just stand around like some lovesick fool. Like the lovesick fool you were for her.

You would have to act, there was no other way. To stand even another minute without her love would be enough to suck the very soul from your body.

You looked up at her window. The light was on. Flickering. Your last ember of hope.

You nodded, resolving you had to see her. Get on your knees if you must. This love was too great. You jumped up to the balcony of her room. Easily spanning the gate and stepping onto the cold concrete under your feet. You paused, only for a moment. Eyes closing, a silent prayer. Not that anybody took heed to yours anymore.

But you were willing to try anything. For her.

“Willow? Oh, sweet Willow, please be home” You whispered, tapping on the door to her balcony.

She opened her blinds, almost instantly. As if she had sensed you there. Her face trying so desperately to be unmoving. To not give away how hard this was for her.

Your heart rose and sank in the same moment. Her face was puffy, she had been crying. Because of you.

She opened the doors to the balcony, allowing her to hear you speak.

“Please, my love? Uh, ‘hear me out’ as they say…”

“Y/n, I’ve read about you, about the people you used to, um, hang out with” Willow warned you, trying to hide the waver in her voice. The fact that she wanted to collapse back into your arms.

“I was young, and foolish. I had not yet learned of love. Of you” You insisted, “How can I prove I never meant you any harm?” You said softly. Your hand slid into hers and she began to soften, her face kind and seemingly ready to make up. You wished to hear about her college work and about the hijinks with her little human friends. She wanted to hear about your life, your history. About how you coped, spent your time.

But all too quickly she snapped her hand away. Removing those possibilities. For tonight, at least.

“Th-this isn’t fair, Y/n. With the pleading and the softness and the… you” She almost crumbled at the end but shook herself in resolve. She clambered onto the balcony to face you, her sweet nature giving you more of a chance than you deserved.

“I take it all back, Willow. I would in a single heartbeat” You rushed these words, you needed her to understand. That it was the single biggest regret in any of your lives.

“B-but you don’t do you?”

“Of course I w-”

“No. You don’t have a heartbeat” Willow said slowly, tears beginning to stream down her face as she shook her head at you. That pout that turns into a grimace when she cries almost broke you into pieces. She felt stupid, as if you had played a game.

Her reaction was physically painful. You were sure you would be ash and dust before sunrise one way or another. Whether by her words or actions.

“Dear, sweet Willow. You have my word, I did not wish to harm-”

“You can’t just do this! You- you lied! That’s big, bigger than big - it’s massive!” She exploded, using her hands as she spoke. You had always found it endearing when she got worked up, but never over something you had done to her. It made you sad, you could have wept freely.

“My love, I apologise. I am laid bare for you, can you not see? I would walk into the sunlight myself, wait for dawn to toss my ashes asunder for what I have done to you. Back to where I belong. The hell that was, that is, when you are not near...” You voice cracked with emotion, your eyes pleading with every intake of unneeded breath.

She shook her head, tears dripping down her neck. You averted your gaze though, less she thought you were thinking something you wouldn’t. Never without her permission, anyway.

She sniffed, managing to look at your face. She had fallen for you so deeply. Your soft touch. Understanding nature. The way you spoke. So lyrical. But so obviously not from this time. How had she missed this?

You took this sign. Her wanting to look at you again. This one shred of hope she had afforded since you appeared to her that her heart may thaw for you. That you may win her favour in some way.

“Y-you mean that? I mean all of that… to you?” She whispered it. She had been unsure of your intentions. Which, you understood. It was natural.

You nodded, of course. You stepped towards her, tentatively at first. But with more confidence when she did not flinch away.

You moved your cold hands to caress her cheeks. Cupping them softly. She closed her eyes at the action and it made tears begin to creep up behind your eyes. Stinging and pushing against the back of your eyeballs. It was painful, this feeling. That once this dam would break it may be over. You couldn’t mourn something that was not yet dead. This was forever, to you. You had only ever felt alive when she was around.

Even now, feeling her skin under yours. It warmed you. Gave you hope.

“I need more time, y/n” she sighed, wiping her tears on her sleeve.

“It has been a week, my love...” you said softly but she was unmoving, except for stepping reluctantly from your touch. She meant it and she could be stubborn, you adored this about her. She backed away, her eyes on you before she slipped back into her room.

Leaving you out on the balcony alone. The darkness and sorrow caressing your broken heart.

It had been months and your heart began to wither as you had spent so much time away from her. An acquaintance of yours had arrived back in Sunnydale and you had convinced him to go for a drink with you. Neither of you fit in with the other vampires and so you had bonded for decades over this.

He chose the Bronze, neither of you were welcome in any demon bar. Both of you had souls. His, cursed upon him and yours transferred after you showed goodness even when you were pure demon.

You made a correct choice, one of mercy despite you not having a soul. Which meant that a coven took pity on you, wanted to allow you to experience something closer to humanity.

It was a gift, your soul. In name, not necessarily in practice. It gave you so much guilt. You still struggled to come to terms with. But you would rather this than be who you once had been.

You and he had bumped into each other every decade or so, catching up and sometimes at odds depending where in the soul-cycle either of you were. He was probably the only person you would dare call a friend although many people did not even know that you were acquainted. Angel gave you an understanding smile as you sat beside him, sliding a drink towards him.

“How have you been?”

“You know…”

“Oh yeah” He muttered in agreement. He knew exactly how you had been. The same as him. And, this was where the conversation died. It was a comfortable silence between you both but filled with your own regrets and horrors twisting through your mind. You sat there, nursing your drinks in silence for a long while.

Angel had returned from LA and wasn’t sure if seeing Buffy would be a good idea. But he ached for her. To see her. Talk to her, even for a moment. You tried to offer some comfort, told him that if the powers wanted them to be together one day they would find a way.

He nodded, knowing that this was all you could offer. Both of you knew better than to cling to false hope after everything you had seen. And done.

“You and Willow then? When did this happen? I would’ve thought you’d learn from my mistakes” He said, knowing you needed to talk about it. You both shared a humourless laugh at his words before you tried to explain it.

“She is… everything.” You breathed, glassy eyed. 

Your voice speaking from the soul. The soul that was now in a constant despair. For what was a soul without it’s mate? 

Without her, it all felt meaningless to you. All of it.

“We found each other, in here actually. She had joked that I was ‘too cool’ for the Bronze and I took offence. I believed she was calling me cold-hearted, or worse, a vampire.” You continued.

“They speak so differently from when we lived” Angel nodded in agreement, although he had at least assimilated better than you had. You kind of missed his Irish accent, but you did not miss the demon that came with it.

“She found my grave, I had never told her that I had died. I fell for her, completely and couldn’t find a way to explain. I hate it, it’s one of the worst things I have done. Her poor, sweet, heart”

Angel didn’t mention that he had seen you killing and torturing people before, which might have been a regret worth thinking about over lying to Willow. But he understood, you had never had an attachment like this. Your love for her was pure. Probably the only part of you that had not been touched by the demon was your love for her.

So, you had clung to it. Selfishly.

As you spoke, Willow and her friends had arrived at the bar. Both you and Angel sensed it and shared a look. Your respective lost loves were walking towards the bar. Your hearts breaking over and over with every footstep it took them to get there.

You both shifted uncomfortably, noticing that their eyes were on you. Anya had announced that you were both there. Apparently, they all knew your face now. Probably because you were enemy number one.

After some drinking and some talking that you and angel pretended you couldn’t hear, Willow shakily got to her feet and walked towards you both. Her eyes the entire night had only been on you and so when she got up to the table she only just noticed who you were sat with.

“Oh, uh, hi Angel” Willow did a little wave before turning back to you, “Y/n, we should talk”

Angel nodded, muttering his good luck to you. It was so quiet that it was only detectable to you, so you nodded subtly and heard him leave. All of this happening without Willow noticing. She was taking a deep breath, trying to categorise and re-categorise her thoughts. Sort through what she wanted to say.

“What you did, it was wrong” You opened your mouth to speak but she shook her head to stop you and you instantly complied, “But I-I understand. You had so many chances where you could have hurt me or Buffy. I was kinda scared that you only wanted to be with me so that you could get to slay the slayer and-”

“Never” You breathed solemnly. You could care less for the slayer, apart from of course gratitude for her saving the world and your Willow.

“- I didn’t get why you would want me for… me” She admitted, taking your hand in hers, “I don’t wanna be apart anymore, Y/n. I miss you so much”

“You mean it!?” Your eyes danced, smile widening more than it ever had. You were overjoyed. To be cast in such favourable light. Nothing mattered unless she was with you. Loving you as you loved her.

She nodded, smiling. Both of your eyes reflected a glassy delight in the others. This felt right. You and her. Together.

You leaned in, pressing the lightest kiss to her lips. It was chaste, sincere. Not willing to pressure her into a deeper kiss less she be snatched from your side again. Her lips grazed yours and you finally felt that breath of life you had been sadly missing since she had left.

“Come home with me” She whispered as you both pulled back. Your eyes lit up, you had been fearful that she would never

But her home was yours, she had always felt this way. She didn’t want to waste anymore time. She just wanted you.

She slipped her hand back into yours and led you, weaving between the crowds. The two of you against the world. How it should be.

All was well in the world again.

[jenonctcity]

My Beginning - Part 2

Differences – Lee Jeno

Part of the Bad Boy Series.

Badboy!Au, Streetfighter!Au

Warnings: Loss of virginity, Violence, Fighting, Mentions of past abuse, Mentions of mental health.

Word Count: 8k

The past two months of your life had been a complete turnaround from how you normally lived your life. Having a boyfriend was completely new to you, but a good kind of new. Jeno had taken on the boyfriend role perfectly and had given you the romantic vision you’d always had in your head when you pictured yourself having a boyfriend. He would kiss you when you weren’t expecting it, take you on dates, play with your hair when you were cuddling, and just be there for you when you needed someone to talk to. You knew about his past, and it slightly concerned you that it would affect your relationship with him, but so far he hadn’t let his past get between you and he hadn’t shown any of the anger that you’d seen on the night he told you about his father. Not only was he the sweetest boy ever, he was also very easy on the eye. His face was stunning, and his body almost had drool running from your mouth. Not that you’d seen him fully naked, you hadn’t had sex with him yet and he respected your boundaries and hadn’t pushed you into doing anything you didn’t want to do. The furthest you’d gone was making out in his car with his hand on your boob over your hoodie. But one thing you’d found out was that Jeno loved to take his shirt off. He always slept without a shirt on and if you were lounging around in the apartment then his shirt would be off. His chest was made by the gods and you loved when he’d wrap his strong arms around your frame and snuggle his head into your neck, his lips always placing soft kisses to your skin. When he’d first asked you to sleep over in his bed, you were worried he would try to have sex with you, but he’d promised you he just wanted to hold you in his arms when he slept and that he wouldn’t try anything.

“You should get a tattoo.” Jeno mumbled against your lips, pressing them to yours once again before letting them linger.

“Of what?” You whispered, moving your head so that you could lay your forehead against his bare shoulder.

“My face.” He laughed when you let out soft giggles, his arms winding around your middle and gripping at his shirt that you were wearing. It was comfy and you loved to wear his oversized t-shirts when you slept, usually pairing them with a pair of shorts or pyjama pants. “On your hand so that you can look at me all the time.” He pressed his lips to your cheek and rubbed your waist with his firm fingers.

“I much prefer your tattoos. Especially your angel wings because you really are an angel. My angel.” You smiled, hiding your head in his neck as you got shy. You missed how he winced and tensed up, the words of his ex-girlfriend running through his mind. She always called him her angel, and the wounds had started to heal, but sometimes certain things would rip them back open. That was one of them. His silence was normal, so you didn’t think anything of it, automatically taking one of his hands into your own and lifting your head up. He quickly forced a smile and looked into your eyes. “This one is my second favourite.” You looked down at the perfectly detailed tattoo of a lion across the back of his hand. “When did you get this one?” He left it a moment before he answered you.

“After my last breakup.” He shrugged and laced his fingers with your own, not wanting to talk about it.

“What made you get the wings?” You couldn’t help your curiosity. You knew a lot of tattoos had stories for people, and you wanted to know if he had stories behind his.

“To cover up the scars I have on my back from my dad hitting me with his belt.” He gulped and sighed, giving you a soft smile and shrugging.

“I’m sorry.” You felt bad for prying, immediately wrapping your arms around his body.

“Don’t be, you can ask me anything. You know that.” He leaned in to press his lips to your own, but you drew back and gave him a smile.

“I’m thirsty, I’ll be back in a minute.” You stood up from his lap, unwinding yourself from his grasp and leaving his bedroom. He watched you go and then laid back on the bed with a sigh of relief that you didn’t ask more about his ex-relationship.

You navigated yourself through to the kitchen, getting a glass and filling it with water. You took a sip and turned around to head back to Jeno’s room when you nearly bumped into someone. “Sorry! I didn’t see you there.” You laughed nervously, smiling shyly at the girl you knew to be Haechan’s girlfriend.

“It’s my fault, I kind of snuck up on you.” She smiled, getting herself a glass out of the cupboard. “So, how are you coping with Jeno at night? He moves around a lot doesn’t he. It’s actually quite cute when he twitches and mumbles in his sleep isn’t it?” She filled her glass up with water and took a mouthful. You found your eyebrows furrowing and stomach dropping slightly. You couldn’t wrap your head around how she would know about Jeno’s sleeping habits unless she’s slept with him.

“Erm…h-how would you know?” You felt slightly intrusive by asking her, but you couldn’t help the nagging feeling in the back of your head that was telling you to ask her.

“Oh you know, I’m his ex…” It dawned on her after she said that that perhaps you didn’t know. “He didn’t tell you that me and him were together, did he?” You felt embarrassment set in as you slowly shook your head, sipping at your water awkwardly and feeling like he’d kept a quite important thing from you. She gave you a small smile and cleared her throat awkwardly. “Er…this is awkward, I’m sorry, I thought he would have told you since I’m dating his best friend and I’m here all the time…”

“It’s not your fault.” You shrugged and sighed, giving her a small smile as you felt irritation take over your system. Not at her though, at Jeno for not having told you. You had a lot of questions, but you weren’t going to ask her. “Goodnight.” You mumbled and walked off, leaving her stood in the kitchen with a look of pity on her face.

“You were gone a while; did you get lost?” Jeno had tucked himself up in bed and couldn’t help but make the little joke that sat on the tip of his tongue ready for when you came back into his room. You placed your glass on his bedside table and got into his bed, not reacting to his lame joke and just pulling the duvet up to your shoulders. You kept your back to him, trying desperately to will away all of the negative feelings you felt towards him in that moment. “Babe?” He furrowed his eyebrows, never having seen you act like that towards him, as everything in your short relationship had been plain sailing up until you just ignored him. “Hey…” He perched himself up on one of his arms, facing you. He used his free hand to reach out and tug at the duvet, which you had a tight grip on, so it didn’t move at all. He frowned, not liking how you were giving him the silent treatment and cold shoulder. “Why are you being like this?” His voice lowered and he felt a feeling of annoyance roll over him.

“So I met your ex-girlfriend.” You grumbled without any emotion. Technically you hadn’t just met her, as you’d met her plenty of times before, but only knew he then as Haechan’s girlfriend. You couldn’t see but his mouth dropped open and he felt a pang of guilt in his gut. He hadn’t wanted you to find out anything about their relationship from her, but he couldn’t quite figure out in his head how to tell you that his ex-girlfriend had broken his heart and was now dating his best friend.

“Baby.” He sighed, using more force in tugging the duvet away from you, being successful this time and leaving your upper body exposed to him. You sighed and sat up, giving him a deadpanned expression that left him feeling like a naughty dog.

“Do you know how embarrassing it was for me? She thought I knew, now it just makes me look like I know nothing about you. What else haven’t you told me Jeno?” You looked down at your hands, fiddling with a loose bit of thread at the hem of Jeno’s t-shirt that you were wearing. “I looked so stupid.”

“You aren’t stupid. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you baby.” He didn’t hesitate to pull you into his lap and wrap his arms around you, cocooning you in his embrace. He pressed a kiss to your temple and his touch made a warmth spark up inside of you. “It’s an embarrassing situation for me (Y/N).”

“What happened?” You looked into his eyes, noticing he had that familiar look of pain behind his pupils like he had when he was telling you about his family.

“Long story short, she was getting drugs from Haechan and fucking him secretly. I didn’t know this and got to know her, I then asked her out and she said yes, while she was still fucking him. I walked in on her in bed with him, and me and Haechan fought. I made her choose between the two of us, and she chose me. But I quickly came to realise that it wasn’t me that she loved, it was him.” He paused to take a breath, but you quickly interjected before he could continue.

“So why did she choose you?” You couldn’t figure out why a woman would pin two best friends against each other in that way, or why she would choose Jeno when she loved Haechan.

“She didn’t think he loved her. He was very cold towards her and I wasn’t. She simply picked the safe option in hopes of having someone love her. She tried her hardest to fall for me how I fell for her, but she couldn’t. I ended things with her because it hurt watching her pretend.” He looked down and sighed. You felt your heart hurt for him, but you could also tell that he was talking like he was still hurting. “She overdosed on drugs and he confessed his love for her.” That made your eyes widen in shock, you would never have thought looking at her that she nearly lost her life to addiction.

“Do you still have feelings for her?” You weren’t sure that you wanted to know the answer.

“No. Obviously I was in love with her so I will always feel a certain way about her, but I also have feelings of hostility towards her and Haechan for being together. More so her for how she played with me.” His arms tightened around you and he buried his head in the crook of your neck.

“Understandable…” You leaned your head against the top of his and snuggled into his grip.

“There isn’t anything else I haven’t told you; I just didn’t know how to tell you that I see my ex-girlfriend almost daily because she practically lives here. I had a feeling it would make you uncomfortable.” He admitted with a small voice.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.” You pulled away from him and laid down once more, this time on your back. He looked down at you and a smile tugged on his lips.

“You’re beautiful, I don’t deserve you, you have such a kind soul.” His words had your cheeks burning up and a giddy feeling rising in your chest.

“Stop it, you’re the sweetest man I’ve ever met, for the record, she was crazy for not falling for you.” The genuine, wide smile that filled his face made your heart thump.

“Thank you baby.” He leaned down, the upper half of his body hovering over you as he connected his lips to yours. Your hands automatically came up to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer until his body was pressed to yours. The kiss started off slow, your lips moving in perfect timing with passion flowing between you both. But then he forced his tongue into your mouth, exploring your mouth as a low grumbling sound left his throat. The kiss was hot and had you almost panting for more. He nipped at your bottom lip with his teeth, pulling at it before letting it go to trail kissed down your jaw and to your neck. “Let me make it up to you.” He whispered against your neck, his warm breath sending a shiver down your spine. He sucked at your skin, leaving his mark behind as thoughts ran through your mind about what his words meant.

“Okay…” You let out a quiet moan, your chest rising and falling fast as his ministrations caused you to feel flushed.

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” You felt a slight panic, wondering if he was going to try and take your virginity. You were ready, but you didn’t know how to tell him that without it sounding awkward. So instead you just laid your head back as he peppered kisses down your clothed body, eventually setting himself between your legs and smirking up at you. “You’re going to love this.” He chuckled lowly and pushed your legs up to your chest, taking the waistband of your shorts in between his fingers before pulling them down your legs and throwing them off to the side. You let out a soft gasp, your lower half completely bare to him for the first time. You could feel your legs start to shake from your nerves, and you hoped Jeno didn’t notice. He did though, and he settled down onto his stomach on his bed, pulling your legs to rest on his shoulders. You could feel his breath on your exposed pussy, and it was starting to make your head spin. He licked his lips, using his fingers to your your folds before staring at your face as he slowly leaned in and licked a stripe from your hole to your clit.

“Oh!” You lifted your head up to get a better look at what he was doing as he let his tongue slowly draw circles on your clit, a smirk sitting on his face as he watched you writhe under his touch. This was completely new to you. No one, apart from yourself, had ever touched you down there before, and it was making a fire ignite inside of you as you watched probably the most handsome man you’d ever met use his tongue on your most intimate parts. He used his free hand to reach up, grabbing at one of your hands and placing it onto of his blond hair. You could feel the familiar feeling of an orgasm building slowly inside of you. Of course you knew what an orgasm felt like, you weren’t completely innocent. But all your past orgasms had been self-inflicted and felt nothing like what was blooming inside of you because of Jeno. You wound your fingers around the coarse locks and gave it a soft tug when he wrapped his lips around the sensitive bundle of nerves, sucking at it as he shut his eyes. You felt yourself getting wetter the more he played with you, his tongue working wonders on you. He flicked his tongue over your delicate folds and dipped it into your dripping hole. “Jeno!” You moaned, subconsciously rolling your hips up into his face. He moaned against you, and when his middle finger breached your hole, pushing into you slowly as his tongue swirled around your clit, your orgasm crashed into you hard enough to have your back arching and toes curling. Jeno smiled, pulling his finger out of you and sucking it into his mouth.

“Told you that you’d love it.” When he sat up you noticed that his mouth and chin were wet with your juices, your stomach flipping at the arousing sight. He grabbed a tissue from his bedside table and wiped it away, screwing up the tissue and expertly throwing it into the bin across the room. You were still laying on his bed basking in your post orgasmic bliss when he pulled your shorts back on you and cuddled up to your side. “You did so well baby girl.” He whispered, reaching across you to sip at your glass of water before settling back down with you.

“That was the hottest thing I have ever seen…” You whispered, finally making eye contact with him. He let out a soft laugh and smiled widely at you.

“Well I can do a lot more than that princess.” He pecked your cheek with his lips and closed his eyes.

“I believe you…goodnight Jeno.” You whispered, closing your eyes and ignoring the pulsing you still felt in your heat.

“Goodnight love.” He whispered back, both of you pulled into the lull of sleep not long after.

---

It wasn’t unusual for someone else to answer the apartment door when you knocked on it. But usually you were met with a smile. So to have Renjun answer the door with a muted smile on his face caused you to furrow your eyebrows.

“Come in, he’s in his room. Just to warn you, he’s not in a good mood.” Renjun spoke quietly, probably so that Jeno didn’t hear him give you a warning.

“Oh, how come?” You took off your shoes by the door and looked up at Renjun with a tilted head.

“We just got back from a fight; did he not tell you?” Renjun mirrored your confused look and you let out a sigh, quickly shaking your head. “Oh, well anyway, it was concluded as a draw, and he’s pretty pissed off about it because he should have won all of the prize money. Just tread lightly.” Renjun patted your shoulder and headed into the kitchen, leaving you alone to deal with Jeno. It didn’t bother you that Jeno didn’t tell you about his fight. He knew that you worried too much and couldn’t relax if you knew he was fighting when you were just sitting at home doing nothing, and he didn’t like to have you at his fights so he never let you go to any of them. It had been a month since he’d told you about his ex-girlfriend, and since then the two of you had gotten a lot closer, but he still refused to let you see him fight. You took a breath and let yourself into his room, immediately seeing his bare back as he sat on the bed facing away from the door, his shoulders hunched over and his head hanging. You looked at the tattoo on his back and couldn’t help but think about how realistic it looked.

“Renjun just fuck off.” He grunted, running a hand through his hair and letting out a sigh.

“It’s me.” You spoke quietly, closing the door behind you and walks towards him. His shoulders visibly tensed up and he sat up straight. He didn’t say anything, instead only raising his head when he heard your footsteps approaching him. You let out a soft gasp at the sight of his face. He had a bruise forming underneath his right eye, and his cheek was cut, the dried blood crusting to stop the bleeding. He also had a cut above his eyebrow, the blood that had trailed down his cheek still there but now dry. “You look awful.” You couldn’t help but comment, smiling cautiously at him but receiving nothing but a blank stare back. You’d never seen him this void of emotion before, and you didn’t really know what to say or do. “Let me clean you up…please?” He nodded and stared at the wall as you grabbed the box of medical supplies from his bottom drawer. “This might hurt.” You got out an alcohol wipe and dabbed at the cut on his eyebrow, his eyes screwing shut in the sting he felt.

“Ah.” He drew his head back quickly, but then leaned forward again to let you continue. It was hard for you to put your finger on what emotion he was experiencing. He seemed agitated and grumpy, but you knew he was probably holding back a lot of anger too.

“Big baby. I missed you today.” You laughed softly at your confession but again were met with silence and no emotion. You felt the word vomit coming out in the silence and you decided to tell him about you day, just to fill the silence and perhaps start a conversation. “So uni was boring today, I learned quite a lot though, and I had a really big sandwich for lunch but I’m hungry again now.” You let out a soft laugh, continuing on with your story. “Anyway, there’s a new girl in my lecture and I got talking to her, she’s really nice. Ha also funny story, she didn’t have a pen, so I gave her mine to borrow but she actually never gave it back to me but it’s super awkward asking her for it back and-”

“Grow a fucking back bone!” He snapped, interrupting you in the middle of your story and smacking your hand away as you tried to clean up the dried blood on his face. “You have no fucking spine, it’s a fucking pen, just ask for the fucking thing back.” He grunted, looking down at his hands as they shook, his pent-up anger finally releasing. You stood completely still, in shock that he would speak to you in that sort of tone and physically touch you in that way. You felt the tears fill your eyes and you turned away from him, not wanting him to see you get upset and cry because of his outburst at you. His words hurt you, but it was his tone that was what got you the most. It was just a pen, you had no idea why he found it appropriate to attack you like that, over a pen. All you wanted to do was to distract him and start a conversation with him, but now all you wanted to do was go home. Your face screwed up and your shoulders shook as you let out soft sobs, trying to keep them quiet so that he couldn’t hear you. When he heard you cry his head snapped up, realisation hitting him like a brick to the face, knowing the reason for your tears was because of him.

“Shit.” He stood up fast and didn’t hesitate to spin you around and pull you into his chest. “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean it.” He kissed your forehead and brushed your hair off of your face as his hands came to cup your face, pulling your head away so that he could look at your face. “I’m so sorry, please don’t cry.” He used his thumbs to wipe at your tears, his heart breaking as he saw your bloodshot, tear filled eyes trying to look at anything other than him. “I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you; I won’t do it again.” He shook his head, leaning in and kissing you softly. He pulled back and gave you a soft smile, his face now full of emotion, making it seem like the man you were talking to earlier wasn’t the same one who was trying his best to make amends with you.

“It’s okay.” You sniffled, leaning more into his touch. “I should just learn when to keep my mouth shut.”

“No! No please don’t feel like you can’t tell me about your day, I love hearing your voice, I don’t know what came over me.” He pulled you to his bed and scooped you up into his arms before he laid you down, laying over you and cuddling up to you despite squashing you slightly. You stayed silent, playing with his hair as he stared at your face. “You’re my everything.” He whispered, his eyes shutting as he leaned in and connected his lips to your own. His words and action had your heart doing backflips inside of your chest, his lips feeling warm against your own as he passionately kissed you. You knew that he probably had a lot of pent up emotions still inside of him. Which is the main reason why the next words came tumbling out of your lips.

“Fuck me.” He didn’t have to be asked twice. His lips smashing into your own once more as his hands trailed down the sides of your torso. With all of the thoughts running through your head, you didn’t even notice as he slowly peeled your clothes from you, leaving you only in your bra and panties. His lips pressed against your chest, his hands wrapping around you to unclip your bra and tug it from your body. You wanted to wrap your hands over your boobs to conceal yourself but Jeno was too quick and swooped down fast, taking one of your nipples into his mouth and sucking on it gently. He peered up at you and couldn’t help but smile around your nipple when he saw your eyes shut and mouth hanging open, a soft moan falling from your lips as his thumb came up to play with your other nipple. He felt his cock stiffen in his sweatpants, his hips grinding into your thigh as he swirled his tongue around your sensitive nub. You could feel your panties starting to stick to you as his actions made you wet. Everything about what was happening was turning you on, but it was mostly the closeness and intimacy you were feeling with him. It made you thank yourself that you didn’t sleep with him as soon as you got together, and instead waited for the two of you to get closer.

He kissed down your body, pushing your legs apart and dragging your panties down your legs, laying kisses on your thigh, trailing them down to your knee and back up against until his mouth was hovering over your heat. Since the first time that Jeno had gone down on you, he had done it a lot more, also using his fingers on you so much that he knew exactly what made you cum. He smirked up at you before diving in, sucking your clit into his mouth and pushing two fingers inside of you. You gasped loudly, your hands darting down to grip at his hair and your hips lifting off of the bed in an attempt to have him closer, even though it wasn’t possible. He used his free hand to pin your hips to the bed, the small act of dominance making you even more aroused. He pumped his fingers in and out of you, his tongue circling your clit and dragging a whine from your throat.

“Jeno I’m gonna cum!” You squealed, your back starting to arch until he pulled away. He smiled at you and leaned in, giving you a quick kiss on your lips as he pulled down his sweatpants and boxers. You felt your orgasm back off when he stopped, and it gave you a moment to regulate your breathing. You hadn’t seen Jeno’s cock before, but you had felt it pressed against you plenty of times, especially in the morning when he had morning wood and pressed it against your ass in his sleep. So you knew he was packing a decent size. It still had your eyes widening though when you saw his hand wrapped around it, pumping it until it was at full length. “Holy shit.” You whispered subconsciously, causing him to let out a laugh. “Will it fit?” You raised an eyebrow up at him as he pushed your legs up against your chest and settled between your legs, his lips caressing your own. He only hummed in response and you were too busy concentrating on his kisses that it took you by surprise when you felt the head of his cock pushing into you. You squeezed your eyes shut at the uncomfortable stretch that followed with a sting. One of your hands gripped at his bicep, while the other clawed at his back, trying desperately to ignore the pain. He didn’t stop, but he very slowly pushed himself inside of you.

“I love you.” He whispered against your lips when he was fully sheathed inside of you, not daring to move his hips until he’d given you a chance to adjust to his size. You could have cried from his confession; it was the first time he’d uttered those words to you despite having implied his love for you before. Those three words had you falling deeper for him, his lips pressing to your own for a long kiss.

“I love you too.” You whispered back once he’d broke the kiss. Very timidly he pushed his hips forwards, grinding his cock into you and letting out a breathy moan.

“Tell me if it gets too much.” He pushed himself up onto his hands to hover over you, both of them planted on the bed next to your neck as he looked down between you both, watching as he started to move his hips, his cock dragging in and out of you slowly. After a few minutes he picked up the pace, moans tumbling from your lips every time his cock hit a certain spot that had you almost seeing stars. He moved so that he was resting on his forearms, his lips connecting with your own as he started to put more force into his thrusts. “Fuck.” He grunted, his eyes screwing shut and pace picking up, his orgasm building like a fire inside of him. His tongue slid into your mouth, the kiss messy and hot as your toes started to curl and stars started to dance in your vision. You had heard that a lot of women actually couldn’t orgasm from penetration alone, and with how Jeno was fucking into you, you were glad you couldn’t be labelled under that category, his cock working absolute wonders inside of you.

“Jeno!” You called out, louder than intended as your orgasm washed through you suddenly, your walls convulsing around his cock as he drilled it into you harder than before, chasing his own orgasm now he knew that he’d pleased you. He sat back on his knees and stared down at you, placing one of his hands on your lower abdomen and letting out a moan louder than you’d ever heard from him. He could feel his cock through your abdomen on his hand, and it made him cum on the spot, both of his hands moving to your hips to grip them hard as he came inside of you. He didn’t voice it to you, but he had a bulging and breeding kink. He was kind of embarrassed by it, so when he fucked someone he would subtly play up to his kinks and hope that his partner didn’t notice. You hadn’t noticed, luckily for him, and instead you were staring up at him almost with hearts in your eyes. But despite his breeding kink, he didn’t want kids. He purely liked the aspect of cumming inside of someone, he felt as though it was intimate and made them feel more like his.

“Thank you.” You bit your bottom lip as you stared up at him. He chuckled gently and laid over you, nuzzling his head into your neck.

“You haven’t got to thank me; I’ve been wanting to do that to you for so long, but I wanted to wait until you were 100% ready. Thank you for trusting me and letting me take your virginity.” His lips attached to your neck and he sucked a bruise on your skin. “I’m so in love with you, I promise never to hurt you like that again.” His words had tears pooling in your eyes. You were so happy in that moment, genuinely believing that Jeno was the love of your life. He had been nothing but kind and sweet to you up until his outburst earlier. You knew of his anger issues and you just brushed it off as a one-off thing, hoping in your mind that he wouldn’t do it again.

---

It had been a month since you took the next step with Jeno and had let him take your virginity. Needless to say, the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other, and clothes ended up on the floor most nights. Jaemin had even knocked on the wall one night to tell you both to keep it down. You’d both giggled and carried on anyway. One thing you couldn’t quite get on board with was Jeno’s fighting. At first it hadn’t bothered you, but the closer you got to Jeno and the more you spent time with him, the more you saw his injuries and foul moods when he wasn’t the victor. He hadn’t taken his anger out on you since that night, but that didn’t stop him from stewing in his emotion and giving you the cold shoulder some nights. You didn’t take it to heart though, and simply gave him his space for an hour or so by talking to one of the lads or their girlfriends. Jisung had taken a keen liking to you, and one night when Jeno was sulking in his bedroom, you’d spent the night watching shrek with the young boy. He’d fallen asleep against your shoulder and you didn’t think much of it. But when Jeno came out to collect you for some angry sex, he’d physically removed Jisung from your shoulder and practically threw the unsuspecting boy across the room. He didn’t get his angry sex that night because you spent the rest of the night giving him the silent treatment for his jealous attitude towards Jisung.

You’d been let into the apartment by Jiyeon, well technically it was Renjun who’d let you in, but Jiyeon had been in his arms and was excited to see you.

“Hello Jiyeonie!” You smiled widely, snatching the young girl from Renjun hold and giving her a squeeze. She had grown a little bit from when you’d first met her a few months back. She was over a year old now and loved to talk about whatever she could think of. She’d also started to call you ‘Auntie (Y/N)’ once she found out her ‘Uncle JenJen’ was dating you.

“Auntie (Y/N)!” She smiled and wrapped her arms around you. “JenJen not here!” She pouted at you once you placed her on the floor. You looked at Renjun with furrowed eyebrows to which he rolled his eyes and laughed.

“He is here, she’s being silly. He’s in his room.” He smiled, herding Jiyeon away into the living room to play. You took off your shoes and rushed through to his room, freezing in the doorway when you caught sight of him.

“What the fuck?” You couldn’t help the words as they tumbled from your mouth. It wasn’t usual for you to swear much, and your shocked expression had Jeno almost folding over in laughter. Instead of seeing the blond-haired boy sat on his bed playing on his phone, you’d instead walked in on a black hair boy sat on his bed with his phone in his hand.  You burst into tears at the sight of Jeno with black hair, his face falling quickly as he jumped up to bundle you in his arms.

“Baby! What’s wrong? Do you not like it?! I can dye it back again if you hate it, I’m sorry I-”

“You look so handsoooooome.” You whined into his chest as you cried, overwhelmed at seeing him with his natural hair colour for the first time. You couldn’t believe he could get even more handsome, but somehow, he’d managed to do it and it took you by surprise. “I love it, I love you oh my god.” You couldn’t help but cling to him, wanting to be in his arms more than ever.

“You worried me.” He chuckled, running his hand through your hair and placing a soft kiss to your head. “I have a fight in an hour, do you want to stay here and wait until I come home? I’m pretty sure all the girlfriends are staying here to take care of Jiyeon whilst me and the boys go.” Your stomach dropped when you heard his words. You didn’t realise he had a fight tonight, and the last thing you wanted was for him to leave you.

“Do you have to fight? I want to stay with you…I have some news.” You looked up at him with big eyes, naturally pouting up at him to try and get him to stay with you.

“I can’t baby, I’d love to but,” He quickly placed a kiss on your pout and pulled away. “I have to go to the fight.” He shrugged. “Tell me your news later yeah?” He just assumed that you’d had something of small significance happen to you at uni, because you often acted like the smallest thing was super exciting and made a big deal out of it.

“But-”

“No, come on let’s have a quickie to get me pumped up for my fight.” He smirked, leaning in to kiss you but the words that tumbled from your mouth had him stopping dead.

“I’m pregnant.” You felt your heart thumping in your chest as you tried to gauge Jeno’s reaction. You didn’t know how he felt about having kids of his own, and you’d seen him interact with Jiyeon enough to know that he didn’t hate kids. He was a really good uncle to her, and he even offered to babysit her or take her out for ice cream. But the hard expression that took over Jeno’s face had you doubting everything.

“You’re pregnant?” His voice was low, and he clenched his fists. He bit his bottom lip as thoughts ran this his head. It also made sense now as to why you cried so quickly over a situation as small as him dying his hair. “How?”

“We’ve never used protection Jeno…it’s what happens when-”

“I fucking know how it happened. I thought you were on the pill! Why did you never tell me you weren’t?!” His voice got louder, and he backed away from you.

“Because I didn’t care if I got pregnant…I want things like that with you. It doesn’t matter to me that we haven’t been together long Jeno, I love you and I always thought if it happens then it happens. I don’t think you realise how in love with you I am. I assumed you thought the same way considering you always came inside of me!” You felt yourself cowering and you suddenly felt really small under his gaze.

“I don’t want kids!” He suddenly shouted at you, shaking his head and turning around, his fist connecting with the wall with a loud bang. You flinched and backed off again, not knowing how far his anger could go.

“Then you shouldn’t have ever assumed I was on contraception Jeno! I was a virgin, why would I need contraception?! If you didn’t want kids, then you should have made sure you wore protection. You should have told me!” He screwed his eyes shut, he knew you were right, and he cursed himself for playing up to his breeding kink. He should have known it would come around and bite him in the ass. The room went silent. He had his back to you, and you could see his shoulders rising and falling as he tried to clam himself down. You felt fresh tears rolling down your cheeks as you spoke. “Are you going to leave me…?” You didn’t want to go through it alone, but you also didn’t think you could abort the baby because you had already come to love it, despite only knowing about it for a few hours. You should have known that the little fantasy you had in your head about you and Jeno having a baby and living happily ever after was unlikely to pan out. But you couldn’t help but wish it was a reality.

“No. Just…I don’t know…fuck.” He stormed out of the room when he didn’t know what to say to you and slammed the door shut behind him. You sat down on his bed and cried into his pillow, hoping that he wouldn’t leave you. Not because you were scared to go through it alone, but because you didn’t want the best thing that had ever happened to you to leave you.

You didn’t know when, but you fell asleep. You woke up to your phone buzzing, you saw it was Haechan calling and you quickly answered it with a coarse voice. “Hello?”  

“(Y/N), I’m out the front of the apartment building, you need to come with me…”

---

“What’s going on? You’re in a super bad mood and you know you shouldn’t fight like this.” Jaemin had pulled Jeno to the side as he was wrapping his hand up. Jeno just sighed and concentrated on his hand. “Jeno.” Jaemin grunted, trying to coax his best friend into telling him what was on his mind. “You literally stormed out of your bedroom and dragged us here early. Did you fight with (Y/N)? We heard shouting but-”

“She’s pregnant.” Jeno mumbled just so that Jaemin would shut up. Jaemin’s eyes went wide and he looked lost for words for a moment. He gathered his thoughts and sighed.

“It’s going to be okay. Please…step down tonight, you need to be with her and I’m sure she needs you.” Jeno could feel tears gather in his eyes as he stared at his hands. He shook his head and cleared his throat.

“I’m fine.”

“Jeno I am your best friend!” Jaemin snapped, grabbing him by the shoulders and forcing him to look at him. “I was there when you got sent down for beating your deadbeat dad up. I was the one who visited you. I was the one whose shoulder you cried on when that bitch broke your heart. You know you can trust me, and I can see this is fucking killing you. You love her and you don’t want to lose her. Just do the right thing okay?” Jeno could only nod, sniffing back his tears and looking up to the ceiling of the abandoned building they were in. “If you’re going to fight, then win. And win fast so that you can go home and cry on (Y/N).” Jaemin patted him on the back and walked off.

The fight started not long after, the crowd around them shouting words of encouragement to whoever they were supporting and the low lights of the building making it hard to see. Jeno tried his hardest to beat the other man, but all he could see was you in the back of his mind, in his bedroom with tears streaming down your face because of how he acted when you’d told him about the baby. His baby. The fist connecting to his temple took him by surprise, he didn’t even see it coming as he wasn’t paying the attention that he should be. He groaned, his arms coming up to cover his head, but his opponent saw the moment of weakness, and delivered another blow to the other side of his head. Jeno hit the floor hard, out cold from just two strikes.

“Shit!” Renjun ran over to him once the man had backed off. “Help me with him.” Haechan and Jaemin helped Renjun lift Jeno, and together they shoved him into Jaemin’s car.

“If he doesn’t wake up in a minute or so we have to take him to the hospital. That guy hit him really hard.” Haechan sighed, running his hands over his face.

“He shouldn’t have fought, I told him not to!” Jaemin put his head in his hands, knowing he could have done more to stop him and feeling like it was hit fault. Jeno had blood streaming from the back of his head, which wasn’t unusual considering his line of work, but his head had hit the floor hard and the other boys had yet to notice it. Jaemin seen the blood pooling on his car seat and lifted his head, that’s when he noticed it. “Wait…shit we need to go now! His head is bleeding bad, he must have hit it on the floor.” They didn’t waste anymore time and Renjun got into Jaemin’s car whilst Haechan got in his own. They made their way to the hospital whilst Haechan went back to the apartments. He knew that you would want to be there for Jeno, and you’d be heartbroken if you found out that he was in hospital and they’d kept it from you.

He took a deep breath when he pulled up outside of the apartment building, dialling your number and waiting for you to answer with bated breath.

---

You honestly didn’t think that your night could get any worse. But the phone call from Haechan had proved you wrong. You couldn’t stop the tears from falling as you sat in the hospital room beside Jeno, who was still unconscious, but the doctors had said he was stable and there wasn’t much physical damage that they could see. They’d purposely sedated him so that they could treat him, and he wouldn’t wake up and freak out. Jaemin was sat beside you, whilst Renjun and Haechan had gone to get snacks for everyone whilst they waited. After a while your tears had dried up, and you held his hand loosely, your eyes trained on his face, just waiting for him to open his eyes.

His eyes slowly blinked open, causing you to sit up straighter. He let out a soft groan, and squeezed his eyes shut again.

“Jeno, I’m here.” You said gently, stroking your thumb against his hand. He smiled sleepily and opened his eyes again. He didn’t look at you, and instead looked up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was grumbly from his sleep, his throat now dry and coarse.

“It’s okay, we’ll take about it later…just focus on recovering okay?” He smiled slightly and nodded, his eyes flickering around the room and landing on you a couple of times. You furrowed your eyebrows, feeling slightly dejected that he wouldn’t look at you for more than a few seconds before his eyes darted off to look at something else. Perhaps he wasn’t really sorry? You tried not to focus on that and instead kissed his cheek. He flinched slightly at the contact and then relaxed, his hand gripping yours tightly.

“Baby can you get me some water?” He asked with a very soft voice. You nodded and faked a smile, quickly standing up.

“Of course, I’ll be back in a moment.” You left the room, leaving Jaemin with him.

“You really worried us Jen.” Jaemin left out a small chuckle but then his face fell when he saw Jeno’s face screw up, tears falling down the side of his cheeks as he started to sob. “Hey, what’s wrong? Is it because of the baby?” He gulped, standing up and placing a hand on Jeno’s shoulder. Jeno shook his head quickly and opened his eyes again. Jaemin noticed that he didn’t look at him, and instead he stared up at the ceiling.

“No.” He gulped and let out a long breath. “I can’t see.”

---

What did you think? Let me know! Are you surprised? Feedback is welcome :)

[themockingcrows]

Faint

Chronic invisible illness sucks. Sometimes we stay quiet. Sometimes we cope by giving our favorite characters our condition to get some comfort. This fic is the latter case, wherein Rose Lalonde has Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and deals with everything that brings in order to spread a bit of awareness.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31556225

She’d thought it was normal, till she brought it up to the others. The chest pain, the exhaustion, the dizziness. The sense of running on an internal timer so precise that if she overstepped its bounds it would be time to collapse into the void itself. The darkness at the edges of her vision when she’d been upright too long, when she was stressed, when she was running, dancing.

She’d thought it was normal, that everyone just had more stamina than she did before they had the same symptoms occur.

“That’s not normal. You should maybe see a doctor!” they’d unanimously said. John had been concerned, Dave had been flippant with jokes but the worry was easy to detect, and Jade was forceful with her reasoning.

Rose had finally told her mother something was wrong, to spur a visit to the doctor. It was hard to explain at first, but when her guardian further questioned how she felt, how long she’d felt that way, it had nearly turned into a shouting match.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? What if something is really wrong, Rosie! This isn’t something to just keep quiet!”

If she’d known it was abnormal, perhaps she would have mentioned it sooner. If she’d known. If she’d had a reason, she might have even been able to keep up with ballet instead of having to quit, feigning disinterest when it still made her heart sing. Violin was hard enough to deal with, with her arms raised the entire time. But ballet was just a no go anymore.

To the doctor, then, after a few weeks of edge of seat waiting. The family physician, who they’d known for years. Who didn’t believe her. Not at first, at least.

He’d checked her weight first thing, and finding her normal range, asked about her habits. While he spoke, he checked her joints and how stretchy she was, keeping her moving while talking till she was reeling on her feet before he let her lay down. Stupid old man. Her problem felt like it was in her chest or her head, not her joints! She’d always been plenty bendy, able to pull off poses ahead of her ballet class with minimal effort, the stretches never quite feeling like enough to really pull in her body in a satisfying way.

Head swimming till she lay flat on the exam table, arms crossed over her stomach absently, Rose continued to answer questions.

She was doing okay in school. She was just more tired than usual.

Yes, this had been happening for quite some time.

No, she’d fainted before, but only once. And only because she’d been up too long dancing. She didn’t miss the curious look the doctor gave her mother, the raised brow. He checked her abdomen, he checked her glands, looking for distension or rigidity, looking for clues. Nothing. Nothing that she could see, at least. Nothing that felt any different from normal. He continued to talk, keeping her lying down for a while, and checked her blood pressure while she rested, the pulse oximeter being placed on her opposite finger.

75bpm, 120/80. Everything normal, everything fine. He left the devices in place, however, and then did something strange.

“Could you stand up for me, Rose? Nice and straight, right here by the table.”

There were no questions this time to keep her occupied. Just two sets of eyes staring at her in the small room, watching as she felt the cold sweat start up on her forehead, the shake beginning in her limbs. It was stronger when she stood still, when she couldn’t prowl around. She felt nauseated as the sweat turned to a hot flash and started to soak into the fabric of her shirt, and with it came the panic as she saw the darkness at the corners of her vision.

“Can I sit down please.”

“Not yet, try to hold out a little longer,” the doctor coaxed, inflating the blood pressure cuff once more. She focused on the discomfort on her arm instead of the pounding in her chest and head, the increased breaths. Nausea rose in her throat, bile, bitter, salt from excess saliva.

“Can I sit down. Please,” she said again, not caring that it sounded like begging.

“Nearly there, just a moment longer.”

She didn’t have a moment. She felt her knees quaking, felt the floor rushing up to meet her, but gratefully felt her mother’s hands hurrying to catch her waist and balance her till the doctor finished his data gathering.

80/50. 145bpm.

The monster had a name now. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. There were hopes she’d just grow out of it, but there was a chance it might be long lasting. In her case it seemed to be at least partly linked to how bendy she was, how loose her skin felt, how stretchy it was, how easily she bruised. That, too, had a name. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

What had been a slow appointment was suddenly moving very fast. Referrals were being made, appointments with different doctors at the big hospital in town, and paperwork was being handed to her mother in a thick stack. Informative pages, recommendations for diet, for exercises, safety precautions, warnings, risks. A whole new world was opening up below her and swallowing her whole, and Rose didn’t know how to feel about it.

One thing was certain, however.

She didn’t plan on telling her friends. Or anyone, for that matter.

It would be her little secret.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“...Is it going to hurt?” was Rose’s only question. She felt very small, much smaller than she’d felt at the clinic with her mother. The room here was bigger and more sterile, with strange looking machinery and electronics. She’d asked the same when she had her first EKG earlier, and had been relieved that the most painful part was having the gummy electrodes pulled back off after the painless test was performed. Something about being in a hospital gown and swinging her legs on a different looking exam table just made her feel even more fragile than the long walk through the building had. At least her mom was there with her.

“No, not at all. It might be a little uncomfortable, or a little cold, but there’s no pain,” promised a technician with a smile. She smiled back a little uncertainly, unconvinced. “All we’re going to do is get some pictures of your heart. I promise, an echocardiogram doesn’t hurt. It’s just a paddle with cold jelly, you’ll hold your breath when I tell you to and stay very still, and we’ll see how things look from different angles.”

“And you’ll tell me if I’m going to die or not.”

“No,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll be telling you if you have any issues with your heart valves or not.”

“Same difference.”

“You underestimate just how much the human body can handle before needing intervention,” he chuckled. “C’mon, legs up on the table and get laid back. I’m sorry for having to keep the shirt open, I know it’s embarrassing. Mom, you can see everything, yes?”

“Yes. Rosie if you need to hold my hand, I ca-”

“I’m fine, Mother. Thank you.”

“Well. If you change your mind, I’m right here.”

“Can you see the screen?” he asked Rose. She nodded, then went very still to watch the technician lift a bottle of gel and squeeze a splurt onto the paddle's end instead. “Right. Sorry this will be chilly, just try to bear with it. And-”

“Stay very still,” Rose finished for him as he opened the front of the gown and pressed the paddle to her chest. She hadn’t been watching the screen at first, but when it lit up with a fluttering white and gray form it was hard to ignore. She knew what it was, of course, though not what the technician was looking for. Seeing your own heart pushing blood around, flaring and calming as it cycled pulses, was kind of amazing. There it was, the only thing keeping her alive, and they were checking to see if any potential defects inside of its valves from the EDS were making her sick.

The procedure was quick enough. A roll here or there, a drop down section of the table for him to do further measurements underneath of her as she lay on her side, and soon enough she was done.

“What’s the verdict, am I dying,” Rose said, voice carefully calm and face deadpan. The papers from the physician had said this was a non-deadly condition, that neither of them would kill her, but the concept of damage to a heart valve of all things being real had brought out the morbid part of her brain.

“There’s a bit of a leak,” he admitted. “But your measurements are just fine and within normal ranges. I wouldn’t be too worried about it, but if you start feeling worse or new symptoms we might recheck within the next few years.”

Rose wiped off the gel with the offered cloth and covered back up while the technician spoke with her mother, the words flowing quick and easy as she asked questions and they discussed the findings. Rose herself stared at the blank screen for a moment before setting her hand over her heart, feeling the pulse, remembering how it had looked.

She was fine then.

All the more reason not to make anyone she knew worry.

She informed her friends that it had been a vitamin issue and that she was going to be just fine before changing the subject, getting swept up in conversations about games and comics and music all over again. Same as ever.

Same as always.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Treatment wasn’t much. Increased water consumption, and a stupid amount of salt. Compression stockings, when that alone wasn’t enough. Rose drank gatorade till she could smell it in her dreams, ate pickles and pretzels till salty foods lost their amusement and her mother had to get creative in the kitchen and with the ordering in catalog. Everything was salt and fluids, compression stockings just tight enough they gave her the will to live back. Thankfully they came in black and she could just pretend they were normal stockings, and for anyone just looking in passing, they would be just another part of her wardrobe.

Yet none of it was enough. The weakness persisted, the fatigue, and through it all that awful, stupid racing heart. If the sound of a beating heart could drive a man mad from beneath floorboards then, surely, the persistent throbbing in her ears and the pain in her chest from her own rushing tempo would be enough to drive her mad. Going to the grocery store made her sweat through her clothes, made her vision blur even as she clung to the cart for balance. More than once, she had to go find a deserted aisle to sit down on the floor in, legs stretched out in front of her, waiting for the worst of it to pass as she debated just how much she might regret laying down flat to hurry it along.

Rose assumed this was just how life was going to be. Stockings, salt, water, constantly living on an internal timer to get things done. Annoying, but not much of a burden. She could imagine living her life like this, one way or another. Others did it every day.

Then had come SBurb.

Fire from the sky and the end of the world, rushing, hurrying, breaking the bottle. She hadn’t been wearing her stockings for the day, but was grateful for the opportunities to sit, few and far between as they were. There was plenty reason for her heart to be beating out of her chest then; plenty of scary, inexplicably stressful things were happening. She had entered the medium with grim determination, and set about the task of destroying imps with a bit of glee.

She had to be quick in dispatching them, there was no alternative. Fainting around these things was unthinkable, and she had plenty of stress to get out with her knitting needles. Rose combined aggression with ballet and her own trained limberness for maneuvers that, in a normal situation, she’d never have reason to use.

It was thrilling.

It was-

Gasping and out of breath, Rose settled on her knees and held her chest after her latest kill, needing time to recover. To rest. It was like she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t open her lungs enough. Like she was drowning on dry land. She gagged, saliva thick and sticky from exertion and, somehow, early dehydration. Slowly, she flopped onto her back and threw her legs up against the wall, feeling the ache and throb as the pooled blood rushed back towards her torso and brain.

Maybe she should get her stockings before continuing, given she had no idea what to expect going forward…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The game up through getting to the meteor had been quite the experience. She’d been able to pace herself somewhat, exerting herself in bouts that she could control better once she’d gotten some thoroughly upgraded weaponry in hand. Now, godtiered and being able to fly, she found she was able to handle being upright longer than usual.

Well.

Mostly.

She still had an affinity for walking normally. Maybe it was because it let her track her internal timer better, a long ingrained pattern she was comfortable with. Maybe it was the fear of falling from height, knowing it wouldn’t kill her but that it would still hurt unless someone caught her. There was also the setback of getting enough fluids and salt.

Gatorade was too much to hope for, but water was doable at least. Salt as a base was also available, but drinking straight salt water would have been anything but subtle.

...Maybe it was time to be honest. Rose was fairly certain that Dave already had an idea something was up, having been around her for some time by then. He always seemed to be watching her carefully, and after a few conversations with Kanaya she’d walked in on, even Kanaya had begun to have a more cautious air in their interactions.

Would that just get worse, if she told everyone?

How would Vriska react to such a thing? Such a weakness? The Seer of Light, waylaid by darkness brought on by standing for too long, she could hear it now. Brought on by sitting upright too long, sometimes. It had progressed in ways that she was frustrated about, spending time reading and trying to figure out how to make compression stockings of the right elasticity out of her god tier outfit in her down time. A dress? Sure! Simple! A garment that would help her out without cutting off all circulation to her legs or being useless? Bit more difficult.

At least Kanaya was content to let her recline whenever she wanted. She never asked, never brought it up. Instead she welcomed the blonde head to her lap, the subtle tug on her hand that meant she was going to slide to sit on the ground against the wall for a time to watch the vast space they were traveling through.

Maybe she would just keep it quiet forever. Or, at least, till after their final battles were done. When there was time to rest, when there were doctors again, Gatorade or something similar, she could get this under control and go back to her plans of dealing with it like she had imagined on Earth. Whatever lay ahead of them could be handled.

She’d keep it quiet. It would be her little secret.

Till she’d fainted in front of everyone, at least.

Another argument had broken out between Karkat and Vriska, Terezi egging on from the side and Dave adding the occasional beatbox for effect much to everyone’s annoyance and amusement in equal measure. Rose and Kanaya were observing and commenting for the most part, following them all up the stairs, but the growing intensity of the clog meant that the foot traffic had come to a stop.

Moments ticked by, then minutes.

Rose felt the shake in her knees, the cold sweat on her brow starting up.

“Dear, are you quite alright? You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” she promised with a smile, looking ahead at the group who took up the stairwell. Surely they’d move any moment. Any time now. Any second. They couldn’t argue forever, not even Karkat and Vriska on a bad day, it would end any time. She just needed to hold on, and then she’d be back upstairs with her book on the sofa, feet up, recovering stealthily yet again.

The argument dragged on, and the pain in her chest started up. Vision blurring, Rose turned her head to glance down the stairs, half turning. Maybe she could go back downstairs and use the restroom or something instead, buy time for them to move while having an excuse on hand so nobody would be suspicious.

“I’m-” she started to say.

Her legs buckled beneath her, and she knew no more.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“See, if you’d just moved your ass instead of backing up into the wall like a cornered meowbeast, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s not like I pushed her! I don’t know who pushed her!”

“Nobody pushed her, she just collapsed, I was right there. We’ve been over this.”

“Well, why did she collapse then!”

“Has she been drinking or something?”

“No, not that I’m aware. She ate earlier, too.”

“Sleeping?”

“Plenty.”

Rose slowly opened her eyes and stared up quietly at the ceiling, the view from the floor at the bottom of the staircase. The argument had a new source now, the squabble more contained than before, but still lively. Kanaya was watching Terezi pull Karkat and Vriska physically apart like she wanted to jump in and do it herself, but she kept her cool hands on Rose’s arm instead, immobilized. Dave had a notebook he was using like a fan over her face, cooling her off, drying the remaining sweat on her brow. He stopped when he realized she was awake, setting it aside and pushing his shades up the bridge of his nose.

She knew that look. Worry. Suspicion. It made her stomach ache a bit with guilt.

“You good now?”

“...Yeah. I fell?”

“Swan dived face first for the concrete, more like.”

Kanaya’s head jerked her direction and she smiled broader, leaning down to hug Rose tight around the shoulders.

“I was so worried! You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No,” she admitted, surprised. “How-”

“I’m quick,” Dave shrugged, glancing to the side. Kanaya pressed a kiss to her cheek before carefully helping her to sit upright. “Hey, yo, shut the fuck up, she’s awake now. Everyone can stop the blame game, new topic after a quick five.”

“Lalonde, what was that about!” Vriska said immediately. “Did you just trip over your own feet?”

“Kanaya said she collapsed,” Terezi sighed. “Not tripped.”

Karkat glowered, but crossed his arms and was quiet for a moment before speaking. “Thanks for not painting the floor with your thinkpan, we’ve got enough problems around here witho- UGH” he grunted, Terezi’s elbow making swift contact with his side, halting his contribution to the subject.

“Are you sick or something?” Terezi asked.

Rose furrowed her brow, looking around at everyone. Looking back to Dave, looking to Kanaya, both of whom briefly exchanged knowing glances. It appeared the jig was up. Now to just let the cat out of the bag properly so it would stop suffocating.

“I fainted,” Rose said.

“No fucking shit,” came Karkat’s helpful response.

“It’s. ...I’ve done it before,” Rose said, trying to measure her words, trying to figure out how to explain quickly not only to Dave but to members of an entirely different species. “On Earth I was sick. I’m still sick.”

“So we just need to get you medicine or something, right?” Dave said.

She shook her head.

“I’m already taking my medicine best I can.”

“Man, if you know how to make meds can you whip up some pepto or somethin’, because I think I’m gonna die if I don’t get hold of some before the next time we eat makeshift Alternian shit,” Dave said. Rose shook her head again.

“Water and salt.”

“What about it?” said Kanaya, rubbing Rose’s upper back when she still looked a bit woozy. Rose accepted the invitation and leaned into her shoulder, hugging her with one arm to give herself a bit more courage.

“That’s the medicine.”

“...I don’t follow.”

Rose groaned and dropped her head against Kanaya’s neck for a moment before sighing and straightening once more.

“I’ve got a condition called POTS.”

“Like-”

“No, not like fucking weed. It’s Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.”

“What the fuck does all that mean? Are you contagious?” Karkat asked, getting another sharp elbow from Terezi, hard enough he slapped at her arm afterwards a few times in annoyance. “Will you knock that the fuck off?!”

“Don’t you think she would’ve mentioned something if she was?”

“SHE’S A FUCKING ALIEN! How do we know if it’s not contagious to US?” he argued, taking a quick step back to avoid yet another elbow coming his direction. Vriska caught him around the neck and scrubbed her knuckles deep against his scalp till he cringed.

“Preeeeeeeetty sure she would’ve said something that important before no- YOW!”

More than a little annoyed, Terezi yanked a section of Vriska’s hair till she released the thrashing Karkat, then quickly slapped a hand Karkat’s direction to keep him at bay.

“What’s it mean,” she said simply.

“It means my body is stupid and my brain doesn’t get enough blood to it when I’m upright. It all goes to my legs and can’t get back up to my head fast enough,” she said. “My heart races very badly and I feel like I’m dying and I get very weak. I get tired. I get sick. And if I’m not careful, I faint.”

“So it wasn’t a vitamin problem,” Dave mumbled. “Fuckin’ knew it.”

Kanaya frowned a bit, lifting a hand up to stroke a section of Rose’s bangs away from her face, to stroke down the side of her cheek with her thumb. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? We could have watched out for you.”

“I didn’t want to hold anyone back,” Rose shrugged. “I thought I could handle it. And I didn’t want-”

“UGH great! Now we’ve got a whole person who’s useless to cope with!” Vriska shouted, rubbing her eyes with one hand.

“That,” Rose said flatly, more than a little annoyed.

“She’s not useless, she’s sick,” Dave said.

“SAME DIFFERENCE! It’s a weakness! A BIG weakness! We’re heading towards a huge fight and we can’t count on you at all now!”

Rose set her jaw. “I can handle myself. I just have to be quick an-”

“You can’t handle yourself, you just fell down the stairs from standing still! What if you collapse during battle, huh? What then? I’m sure as shit not sweeping in to save you, and we need all the god tier powers we can get to be FUNCTIONAL during a fight!” Vriska continued, yanking her hair free from Terezi’s hand to stalk closer, staring down where Rose sat, arms crossed. “What can you do? Ranged attacks while sitting down?”

Releasing Kanaya, Rose stood up quickly, immediately regretting it when her vision swam again. She braced herself and bent her knees before locking them in a wider stance for balance. It was a weak spot. A point of pride was that she’d come this far just fine as it was, and now that the cat was out of the bag her worst fears were coming true.

“Hey, easy, don’t go down again,” Dave said from behind her.

“Shut up, I’m fine!” Rose insisted. “What do you want me say, Vriska! That I promise I won’t collapse? You don’t know what I’m capable of in a fight! You don’t know what options I have on hand! Don’t discredit me just because I have this bullshit to deal with. If I can work around it, so can you. If you can’t then which of us is weaker in the end, me or you?”

It was spoken as a challenge, pure and simple. Tension was thick in the air as they stared each other down, Rose with her hands balled into fists, Vriska with crossed arms. Everyone was waiting for something to give, for the other shoe to drop.

“...Whatever,” Vriska muttered, the first to break position. She turned around and lifted her arms behind her head to stretch as she went up the stairs. “Humans are so fragile and booooooooring! Terezi, come help with dinner, I don’t know what to aim for this time.”

A collective breath was released. Terezi smirked a bit.

“That was pretty good, Lalonde. Normally she’d have kept going, but I think you got her in a corner now.”

“TEREZI, COME ON, I’M HUNGRY!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, keep your rumble spheres tethered!” she shouted, before turning with a laugh like broken glass to run up the stairs after her friend.

Karkat, alone with the trio, watched Terezi run off before looking back towards Rose. She shuddered, then quickly sat back down on the ground and flopped onto her back with a heavy sigh.

“I’m fine!” she was quick to say. “Just. Need to be down for a second. Just a second. Holy shit.”

“What, think you were gonna get into a catfight?” Dave asked, picking up the notebook again to sway over her face a few times just in case it was useful again.

“Yes!”

“Would’ve been funny,” he admitted.

“Would’ve been hilarious if this is what finally got us at each other’s throats,” she said sarcastically.

“How do you feel now that everyone knows what has been wrong?” Kanaya asked, stretching her legs out before scooting closer to Rose’s side and laying back as well. “Relieved?”

“Yes. ...Though. What if she’s right…?”

“First time for everything,” Dave shrugged. “Here, lift your heads up,” he instructed as he dropped the notebook and instead lifted his cape, scooting it in a wad beneath their heads. He settled opposite Rose and stretched out as well, one knee bent up so he could tap his foot occasionally, arms splayed out.

Karkat waited for a moment before Dave patted the open space in the circle, then came closer and flopped down as well, hands on his stomach.

“...So you’re SURE you’re not contagious.”

“Dude, with how often she swaps spit with Kanaya I’m pretty sure you’re safe just breathin’ the same air if she’s unaffected,” Dave pointed out.

“Well, good. ...Sorry for asking earlier,” he muttered. “I just didn’t know what to think! Lalonde being sick out of nowhere is-”

“It was rather obvious, if you watched her closely. Something was wrong even if I didn’t know what,” Kanaya said. Dave nodded as well, making Rose groan and cover her face with her hands.

“How obvious was I?”

“Real obvious,” Dave snorted. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve got your back now, and we’ll have your back durin’ a fight. You know that.”

“I’ll slice anything that comes for you if you go down,” Karkat said helpfully. Given how much work he’d done hoping to be a threshcutioner before,

Kanaya reached for Rose’s hand as it came away from her face and gave it a squeeze. “We all do.”

“Yeah,” Rose sighed. “Yeah. I know. You’re right.”

She had backup now. And a while to think of how to explain everything to the others when they met up with them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It felt like years ago, that final battle. Maybe because it had been years by then. It was kind of hard to keep track sometimes, really. She’d held her own, had backup, and they had all come out on top. They’d made a new world, populated it, let it grow and come back to live amongst everyone. She’d been hopeful that after all that, after all the advancements, there would be progress in her own disorders. Treatment options beyond salt and water, beyond stockings.

The fact there wasn’t, that it was still a chronic illness, that there was no magical cure in a special pill to take even after all of that, felt a bit like a slap in the face. Somehow, despite everything, having that bit of hope crushed had been enough to send her into a depression deep enough that it took months for friends and family to help pull her out of it.

There was no ‘better’. There was just coping. And she had to be okay with that.

She had options at least, thankfully. She could fly to get places faster than walking, even if she was on a harsher timer than before. She could drive. Her home was comfortable and easily accommodated a wheelchair that she could use outside of the home as well, half the time pushing herself along and the other half of the time being pushed by Kanaya when she got too tired. Life was good in many ways, even if there was no miracle to be had.

She was alive, married to the love of her life. She had friends and family surrounding her. She had aspirations for a long future, and hobbies that kept her plenty busy. It was enough for her.

When Kanaya leaned down behind her to kiss the side of her neck, sharp fangs barely there on her skin, Rose pulled the brakes on her chair and reached back to stroke Kanaya’s hair fondly. Her wife sat down beside her on the dock, overlooking the vast lake, and squinted out over the shimmering surface to make out where their friends were. A boat was heading this way and that trailing a water skier behind on a tow line, while two people flew above it keeping an eye on whoever was below kicking up wake behind them.

“Are you sure you didn’t want to participate?” Kanaya asked, amused when the skier went down into the water and was pulled up by the two flying lifeguards. “They said they had an innertube as well. You could sit and be towed.”

“Mmm. I’m fine,” Rose said with a smile. “Maybe next time, I don’t much feel like getting wet today. What about you? It looks plenty safe. Roxy and John wouldn’t let anyone drown.”

“I’d rather be near you,” she shrugged. “Perhaps we can have a turn in the boat instead later. We could take a tour around the lake without getting wet.”

“I love how your mind works,” Rose chuckled. She stretched a bit, then pushed the legs of her chair straight out, propping her legs straight out in front of her with a grateful sigh, pooled blood circulating somewhat easier again.

The skier was, apparently, Karkat. At least that’s what the shouting and cursing indicated as he struggled in the air with the duo holding him up safely. He dropped back into the lake with a splash, only to be carefully fished out again and deposited on the boat. Rose snorted a laugh before giggling at just how silly the situation looked from a distance, knowing she’d hear all about the details of it later from everyone involved. Kanaya looked at her with a soft smile before leaning against the side of the chair, nudging Rose’s leg till she stroked at her head and horns as one would pet a cat.

“I’m so glad to hear that sound…”

“Laughter? I’ve laughed a lot recently, haven’t I?” Rose asked, a little confused.

“Yes. You’ve been in such a good mood lately, compared to before. Every time I hear you laugh or see you smile it’s like sunshine.”

Rose leaned forward to press a kiss between Kanaya’s horns, making her wife hum softly, blissfully.

“You know just what to say to make an already good day better.”

Somehow, Rose felt, every day was just more proof that everything was going to be okay now.

((If you would like to learn more about POTS please visit this website for information!

http://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30))

[cassfcky]

So, I'll finally open up about the finale, it took me a while to understand what I felt. I loved it and hated, I think it's beautiful and a hate crime, but I'll explain it as I try to cope with this feeling.

Things that I loved about it:

Dean(in the beginning) being able to move on with all the lost and sorrow he had just experienced, to see him going on was nice, I mean we know he was sad, but he wasn't giving up on it, he was living for those wo died for him and I don't mean just Cass, a lot of others have died in the past for the brothers and to see Dean living for them was good, he finally made peace with himself and I loved it.

Sam(also in the beginning) also living his life, hunting, but we can tell(maybe I'm just hallucinating) they weren't so deep on the hunt thing and for me this was good, cuz Sam was also going to get what he wants a normal life with his brother you know?

Kripke and Singer being their agents aliases

Heaven rebuild in a fantastic way and I did liked to see Bobby at the roadhouse, this makes me wonder and dream about Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Pam and Ash altogether in it, joking around and having fun.

Cass being alive.

The case

The fact that they were helping brothers, that reminded us of them.

The parallels with season 1 such as

"I can't do this without you"

Dean's death being almost like Sam's first death (both "stabbed/impaled in the back and dying in his brother's arms.

Things I hated:

Dean's death: There's no reason for it, I know the show is about Sam's journey and his life, but Dean being alive it's not exactly a set back in his development. So you can say they have a strong co-dependency, but isn't clear that their story was written by Chuck? Their choices? So now without the a**hole they not necessarily need to go on with it, they can be loving brothers with their separated lives, they can hunt together without dragging the other down, they can live a "happy" life without the other dead, they can be free without the death of the other. The show has always showed us how they're "happy" living their lives when the other is dead, like Dean with Lisa while Sam was in hell, Sam and Amelia when Dean is in purgatory. But it also shows how they let go of all of that when they comeback and this is Chuck's co-dependency writing. But now that they ARE free, they don't need to do it anymore, they can live, they can grow even more, they can get to know themselves again as individuals and not as puppets fighting apocalypse after apocalypse.

They ruined their own ideal. The show is now, not only about the brothers, but how you can make family out of friendship(personal note: this is my fav thing about the show, cuz I don't have a good blood family and I made my own with my friends, so this one hits hard on me). The whole "family don't end in blood" situation was totally forgotten when Sam, alone with a dog, made Dean's funeral. And do I need to remind you all that Dean wanted it big?? With music, lot of people? No?? Ok. But let's say make it half big, where's Jody? Donna? Claire? Alex? Where's all of them?? I mean just the close one's you know? The one's who was there for them when they needed the most?

Where the fuck was Eileen? They killed her and got her back, they created a lovely arc for her and Sam, a healthy relationship, something good for Sam. And when Jack uses the gauntlet to bring everyone back she's not back? Like where is she? Still in the gem?? And okay, that blurred woman could have been her, but they didn't even mentioned her name once? Wedding picture?? What is that?? They could've done it, I know, it's a fucking 15 year old running show, one wedding picture so we could dream would be enough(I guess)

Castiel being mentioned twice vaguely. So, your best friend confess to you that he made a deal that in the moment he experienced TRUE HAPPINESS he would be DRAGGED to NOTHING and then turns out HIS happiness consist in him telling(not even having it back, just telling) you that he loves you and that he is changed because of you and uses this to SAVE YOU and you don't tell you brother(his best friend too) what happend? When you get to Heaven and you hear the news that his actually alive and helping you don't get to want to see him??? Like not even asks or say anything?? Or like when Jack became God why didn't he asked for Cass back? He asked Chuck for it, Chuck, but didn't asked Jack?? Like wtf?? Kid would've snapped his finger so quickly that Cas would show up in Dean's lap like wtf?? That doesn't make any sense.

The 15 years of character growth thrown away.

Other topics related to this event.

Dean's deaths that were more painful, sad looking and more meaningful than 15x20

Metatron killing him (9x23)

His deal (3x16)

Dean's death reminds me of pointless deaths and how they were unnecessary in the show.

Charlie: she wasn't that stupid to leave with a book that can be traced by a deadly family just because Rowena was annoying, that still makes no fucking sense to me. I cry every time I watch it cuz she deserved better, way better.

Crowley: like they literally killed him for nothing, he sacrificed himself for nothing, there was no reason other than hold back a little bit Lucifer and he could've done it without killing himself.

Cas's death remind me of how only the brothers matter and in the end only Sam was important, don't get me wrong I love Sam, but the show praised hope, faith in one another and in the end it was just one of them going, not truly happy as he could be and to me that's too sad, cuz not only Dean didn't got to live what he deserved, but Sam also had a half empty life, the person who raised him, that was with him through all the bad moments, wasn't there for the good one. The idea of Sam having survivor guilt because Dean lived to take care of him and as soon as he could finally live for himself he dies will forever hunt me, it's just too much, he did not deserved it.

I guess that what the show did with the end was destroy all of my hope, they destroyed everything they created, the love, the foundation of a family and having faith and hope. This show literally gave me all of this, the idea of "it's bad now, but if I don't give up, it will get better", but they took it all. No friends at your funeral, no brother on your side at your wedding day, no hope. Like Dean only had peace when he died, do you know how serious this is? How depressing is this? Sam lived in grief(and yeah grief doesn't stop you from feeling happiness, but what was the reason for him to live with grief?)

I mean why did they make us dream and believe in life if they were just going to say "well you can live hell on earth and get your win, but you're not gonna live enough to fully enjoy it."

The resume is that this ending was cruel, not good or bad just cruel. Cuz they won, but they didn't get to experience it. You know what would be heartbreaking, but good and coherent with their story?? If they had died defeating Chuck, their ultimate fight, they get to save everyone, but unfortunately not themselves. It would be great, sad, it would make sense. This one gave Dean the taste of a good life, a normal life, the glimpse of it and took it away from him, killing him in a barn, scared. But hey, at least he got to tell his brother that he loved him right?? That's a win!!

[keigos-dove]

Hawks Fluff Alphabet List

A/N: I did requests for a fluff alphabet to celebrate 1k followers. To make life easier I decided to put all of them in one post. Everything for my 1k event is under the tag #thank you for 1k.

|All works tag:| @heroheads @redbeanteax @candychronicles @kirishibi @greenleaf-fantasy @k-atsukidayo @toritpn @togasknifes @yuueimagines @jojosmilktea @lovingshoto @denkithot

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Keigo, when he has free time, likes to do nothing but relax. He’s going at the speed of light every single day as a hero. All he wants to do is take things slow and enjoy soft moments with his s/o. This could be cuddling at home, going out for sweet coffee dates, or even taking a relaxing flight to a secret scenic spot Keigo may have found.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He loves their smile the most. Something about seeing them happy makes him feel good and accomplished in the relationship.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Hawks definitely is a huge help during panic attacks. His touch is gentle. Voice is soft. His words will ground you. His wings will be wrapped around you for privacy. His feathers will retrieve anything you need because he’s not leaving your side until your smile hurts your cheeks and giggles hurt your sides.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Hawks wants the cliché ending of starting a family and being happy with his s/o. He hopes to retire and be stay at home parents together. Money isn’t an issue for him in his mind due to how much he saved from working under the government.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

I personally don’t think there’s a more dominant one in the relationship. It’s equal for him and his s/o.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

I feel like Keigo and his s/o get along pretty well. If they ever do fight it’s about one another’s safety. Both of you easily forgive the other.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He can’t thank you enough. You’ve helped him so much. He’ll never get tired of showering you in love, affection, and gratitude.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Hawks believes honesty and communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. He tells you everything and he hopes you will do the same. There’s no shame between the two of you. If you want to talk or need some help TALK to him, he’ll do the same. It makes him happy to have such an open relationship like that.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

You made him feel more human. Before you, he never would have felt half the things he did after he met you. You helped him get over his past and become a person who can love others and himself.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He gets jealous over other birbs. He honestly doesn’t get jealous easily. If he does it’s because someone is getting a little too close to you. He’d get jealous if your attention isn’t on him for longs periods of time as well. So just hold him in some way or talk to him and let him know you’re not going anywhere. Reassurance is comforting to him.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

He surprisingly is an amazing kisser. He knows how to please his s/o. If it’s not the sexy times his kisses are always soft and sensual. Just like the first kiss. A moment he’s determined to always remember.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Birb mating dance. I feel like Keigo would try his best not to confess to his crush at first, for their safety. If he would confess it would be an accidental slip up of some kind.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Hawks at first I feel like doesn’t want to settle down and get married. When he meets his s/o he knows almost from day 1 you’re getting married. He’ll propose in private in the best way possible. The marriage will be with close friends and family and he’ll do anything to make it the best day ever because his s/o deserves only the best.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Little Dove, Love Dove, Dove, Dovie, Song Bird, Love Bird, Nugget, Chicken Nugget, Feather, Little Feather, Baby Bird, Chickadee. Pretty much any nickname having to do with birds in some way. He’s creative he swears on it.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He feels like he can fly higher than the atmosphere. He’s so obvious about being in love because he never stops talking about you. He expresses his love by being clingy and needy. It’s never the annoying clingy because he knows his boundaries but that won’t stop him from showering you in the affection he thinks you deserve.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

If your relationship was open to the public no doubt Keigo would brag about you and show you off. He will have zero shame in showing off his love for you. If your relationship isn’t out to the public that means you get ten times more love and affection behind closed doors. He just loves you a lot, his love will truly never stop.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

His wings. They make for even better hugs. His hugs are some of the best things you’ll ever feel. He holds you so close and so tight. And his wings wrap around you and not only warm you but give security. They’re a pain to take care if but his wings are a beautiful blessing.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He’s the cliché sappy romantic. He’d take you out for little coffee shop dates and window shopping. He’d fly you both to scenic locations and have little picnics. He’d say stupid things, make jokes, do little dances, anything to get you to smile really.  

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He is and will be your personal cheerleader. Whatever your dream or goals is he’s here to support you. He has total faith you can do anything because he knows you’re strong and can take the world by storm.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Hawks isn’t afraid to try out new things in the relationship. He’s open to anything. If you think it’s cool or fun he doesn’t mind trying it out, experiencing new things, deepening your relationship more. Whatever it is he doesn’t mind trying it. If either doesn’t like it? At least you tried!

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Keigo knows you like the back of his hand. He can tell any need or emotion just by looking at you. It comes naturally to him, he has very keen senses. He’s really good at expressing his feelings, emotions, and needs as well. He believes honesty and communication is key in a relationship.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship with his s/o means the world to him. You made him a better man. No matter what, his s/o will always come first before anything else. He doesn’t care if it upsets someone. His s/o will always be the top priority.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Hawks is a sucker for cuddles. That’s all I’m going to say because I could write an entire paper on this idea and y’all don’t want that. If you do request it and you bet your tail feathers I’ll do it.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Hawks is the inventor of touch starved and clingy. If you’re around he needs to have physical contact with you in some way in order for him to be remotely happy. Kisses and cuddles are always on the table for him. He’ll never turn them down.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Keigo always has something small you gave him on him at all times. If he’s missing you he just pulls it out of his pocket and reminisces of the moment you gave it to him. Or he just flys over to see you himself. It depends on how busy he is. 😂

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Keigo would do anything for you. He knows it’s hard for him of all people to be in a relationship. But he’s committed. You’ve helped him more than you’ll ever know. He’ll do anything and go through anyone who tries to hurt you, mess with you, or take you away from him.

[pale-goblin]

Isn’t it ironic.

Isn’t it ironic.| Explicit | It Chapter two

**TRIGGER WARINING**

Richie played with the coin in his fingers, that token Mike sent them all to find to kill this dumb clown for good in this stupid fight. Richie didn’t even like fucking clowns, why did he agree to come back to this place this town ruined a lot of things for him. Like Arcades for that matter. “You found it?” Eddie’s voice called from behind. Richie jumped a bit and looked up from the token to see his best friend sit close beside him. His hair was perfectly kept even with all the running around they had been doing. “Yeah, what was your’s, your mom?” Richie flipped the coin and caught it in mid-air, trying to ignore Eddie’s knee-knocking against his caught heat to pool in his cheeks. “Very funny smart ass” Eddie groaned, “I’m waiting for my puffer to be ready first.” Richie looked over at Eddie, who was smiling at him for some fucking reason. Something seemed off in his smile but Richie couldn’t help but look at his jawline and the shine in his eyes. “You still need that eh Eds?” Richie knocked his knee back against Eddie, it was weird he was so close when there was so much space on this bench. Richie was so lost in the spiral of chocolate brown eyes of eddies that he barely noticed Ed's hand crawling up his thigh until he was too close to his junk. Richie jumped back a bit but Eddie’s grip was tight on his inner thigh, “Jesus Eds what the fuck are you doing?” He hissed. Eddie’s smile was twisted more than it was before, fuck, sometimes was wrong. “What Richie? This isn’t what you craved all these years?” Eddie mumbled, getting closer to Richie’s neck, his breath hot and dripping as he moved to whisper into his ear. “I know your dirty little secret Richie.” Richie was frozen “wh--I--I” Richie tried to back up again pushing himself up against the wood of the bench trying to get away from the dripping drool that Eddie seems to be leaking. Fuck “I know your dirty, dirty, dirty secret” “Eds--” Eddie’s face snapped back up into Richie’s view, his face melting like candle wax. Dripping hot flesh over that cracked smile that gave Richie nightmares. “This isn’t fucking real…” Richie mumbled trying to fight out of this fucking monster’s grip as more hands grew out of its back with those stupid clown white gloves. It’s the fucking Clown, this isn’t real. “This isn't the real Richie?” It mocked, the wax dripping away showing the pale white and red face of the clown under it all. “It will be.” The hands gripped and pinned a wiggling Richie like a worm on a hook. “Richieeee, this is what you want, don’t ya?” Richie cried out at the pain from his arms nearly being crushed by the iron grip of It. Any wiggling or movement felt like his arm was going to get ripped off at any moment. “I don’t fucking want any of this you stupid clown!” Richie got pushed back into the hot metal of the bench, it digging into his back. He needed a way out, some kind of way out, people were around right? Looked over at the stage where people were but they were all standing still, watching him. “HEY!” “Oh, Richie, rich” It chuckled, moving its hands pulling at part of his clothes pulling down at his belt. “They aren’t real Richie remember? Fake little human toys” Richie looked down just realizing the faith he was left with “No, No no no, Don’t--Don’t--If I say it out loud will you just go away!” “Out loud? Don’t you want to have fun, Richie?” Its drool pooled down his lips soaking Richie’s bare leg as his pants were ripped down to his knees. He honestly should have worn boxers but he fucking forgot to pack anything important for this trip. Not wearing boxers wouldn’t have stopped this fucking happening you idiot.

“How many fucking arms do you have?” Richie’s hips pulled back as two more hands moved to push his thighs against his chest. His ass was open in the heat of the sun. “You’re going to fucking regret this,” Richie mumbled like he wasn’t ready to piss himself in fear. He was powerless against this fucking thing, the fear dripping out of him, Richie was just all talk always had been. How the hell were they going to kill this thing? “You’re going to regret it.” “Am I Richie? Or are you going to like it?” Richie felt hands pulling his cheeks apart, fingers wiggling their way into his ass hole like Maggots after rotting meat. He let out another hopeless cry looking at the people who were now just holding balloons of upside-down triangles. Glossy red in the sun, he yelled again for help but they laughed, laughed in his face. That’s all Richie was a big fat joke. The clown’s fingers felt like hot rods in his ass as he struggled against the hold on him. The pain was immeasurable worse than he had ever felt and tears pulled to the edges of his eyes as he screamed. “Stop--” “Keep going, Richie? Okay, if you say soo” The clown laughed at the pained moans and screams coming out of Richie’s mouth with every single extra finger he slid into him. Its fingers elongated rubbing deeper inside of him. Richie’s cock was standing at attention like this was some sick fantasy he was hoping for, it made him feel sick at the thought that he wanted this at all. Richie closed his eyes shut trying to picture him and Eddie and not what was happening in front of him. He was just trying to distract himself from the killer pain and laughing around him. The twitching of his cock every time It hit the right spot made him wanna vomit in his mouth. His body was playing tricks on him going against everything he was telling his body to do. Just stop reacting and playing along with this fucking clown. “This isn’t real,” Richie repeated, “This isn’t real.”

It hurts,

“This isn’t real.”

Get off me, get off me.

“This isn’t real.”

Eddie…

“This isn’t real.” The laughing stopped, the crushing pain, then he was on the ground huffing. His pants were down to his knees and the people in the park were mumbling about the naked guy screaming. He quickly picked himself up and pulled his pants back up. Trying to fight off the panic attack of everything that just happened. He felt gross, sick to his stomach for being violated by a fucking clown of all things. He wished he never came back…

Richie looked down at the token that he was gripping in his palm, the metal had dug into his flesh, blood leaking from the wounds. At least he got it, maybe whatever plan Mike had would work. He swallowed hard, sucking back the tears in his eyes that were trying to escape. Maybe he could make this to be a joke just to cope with this all.

[finleyjayne]

Living a Lie: Chapter 2

Thank you for everyone who helped with this fic, including the fantastic @2smittinkittin​, the wonderful beta for this chapter, and @kittykatlow​, who is still forever supportive.

Summary: Penelope Grace Darling: the name you live by, the only name the world remembers. That doesn’t keep the memories of Y/N out of your head. All you ever wanted to do was create a better world. You thought you were doing that until some unexpected visitors to your hometown turn your world upside down. Can you leave your past behind you in order to keep your loved ones safe? Or will your fragmented memories keep you from the truth?

Pairings: Past Winter Soldier/Reader, Plus sized!Reader. Slow burn Bucky Barnes/ Reader.

Warnings: Dub/Noncon, Rape, Kidnapping, human trafficking (referenced), Underage Rape, Swearing, PTSD, Anxiety attacks, Unhealthy coping mechanisms, Non-consenting drug use, underage Drug use, Violence, Domestic Violence, I’m trying to remember what else comes later in the series.

This is a Dark Fic if you don’t like it, Don’t Read It!

Chapter 1

Looking genuinely confused as you try to place the name with the context, your eyes flipping between the four people who were now staring at you. Three highly amused with your confusion and one completely flabbergasted. “Daisy calm down a bit? I am apparently missing something here, and you yelling is definitely not helping me piece it together.”

  At this, Clint bends over himself, clutching his sides as his laughter rips through his chest. What a sexy laugh? Even though it’s at my expense. Nat smirks a little longer than her usual quick flashes. Wanda, ever the peacekeeper, extends her hand, “Hello, My name is Wanda, but I’m usually more recognized by my superhero name: The Scarlet Witch. These are my teammates and friends, Natasha, or The Black Widow, and Clint, also known as Hawkeye. It’s very nice to meet you, Penelope. We definitely appreciate the help with the shoes.”

As her sentences click in your brain, your eyes grow as big as your glasses’ rims. Your jaw pops open, “Oh, well, it’s nice to meet you, too?” You say with a nervous laugh, well, this is embarrassing. “Thank you for coming into our store. Daisy, don’t do anything stupid. I’m going to go grab my purse, and then I’m going to lunch.” you face still plastered with saucer-sized eyes as you slip through the curtains.

How could I not know who they were? I know I use Daisy and Bruce as my source of current events, but I should at least know the Avengers’ faces. You grab your purse, slinging it across your body before proceeding out the front door toward the little corner bakery. At least I didn’t act like a complete fool. Daisy is probably freaking out. I shouldn’t have left her alone with them, she’s going to eat them alive. Who am I kidding? They’ll be fine, they are the Avengers, they can handle an over-excited almost adult. 

Thankfully, lunch and the rest of your shift flew by without any other famous guests. Your nerves were on the fritz, though; it felt as if someone was watching you. No matter what you did, You just couldn’t relax. Every movement drew your attention. Every sound made you flinch. As Bruce came through the door, you burst at the seams with the need to make your escape. You threw a passing goodbye to your boss as you jogged to your car, not even sparing a moment to change the radio back to a public station. You were out of the parking lot and on the road in seconds, causing Gertrude to complain loudly. Fighting off the sharp edges of the panic that blistered your mind. Within two blocks, you were pulled over, hand clawing at your chest, sight wavering as you throw Gertrude into park. Before you can even think about counting the rails in the fence, your vision is black. 

“Пожалуйста, прекратите! [Please stop!]” The high-pitched scream echoes through the small, dark room. “Вам не нужно этого делать [You don’t need to do this].” a shock of pain courses over your back as a second resounding crack follows. 

“Тишина [SILENCE],” comes the cold order. “Вы говорите, когда я хочу, чтобы вы говорите! [You speak when I want you to speak!]” two more cracks and, after a second, two more blazing paths are scorching your skin. Confusion is mixed into the muddled neurons of your brain as you hear the metal door sliding open. 

Cautiously you lift your eyes, peering over your shoulder, only to be met by another crack that catches you across the cheek. With another bloodcurdling scream, you fall onto your freshly whipped back. Holding a cuffed hand to your sliced cheek, you meet the coldest pair of steel-blue eyes you have ever seen. “Этого достаточно. Они готовы к этому. [That’s enough. They are ready for it]” came the icy baritone through the black mask. 

    Your assailant scowls at the man. “Пациент не готов. [The subject is not ready]”

    The empty-eyed man ignores him as he steps closer to you. “Они готовы [they are ready],” he repeats. He reaches for your arm mechanically. It was as if he was only going through the motions without knowing what he was doing.

     You flinch from his extended right hand, cowering away. “Вам не нужно этого делать [You don’t need to do this].” comes the pleading voice that you realize is coming from you. 

     He continues forward, dragging you out of the room to the scream of the man you left behind. “Она не твоя [She is not yours]!”

     Sobbing into the steering wheel of your beloved clunker, you hold onto your thick sides. The black-rimmed, ice-filled eyes continue to hover in your peripheral as you come out of the onslaught of memories. It’s not real, I am in Utah, they are not here, he is not here. I am safe. Coulson promised I am safe. After eight more deep breaths, your thoughts are cut off by a peppy, upbeat melody sung by a flowy lyric-soprano. “I know you can hear this Penny, so pick up, or I’ll sing it higher.” As the melody repeats for the third time, you scramble to pick your phone up. 

    “Delilah, I hope you realize that the ringtone you made me is, in fact, the cruelest practical joke anyone has ever succeeded in pulling.” You snip the need to portray normalcy coming through in your irritation at one of your best friends. 

    “I loooove you too, darling.” came the cloying giggle from the other end of the line. “Taylor and I were just talking about the Stark expo that is opening tonight. Also, we haven’t heard from you in a couple of days. Please save me from going to this thing without you. You can interpret Tay’s wild ramblings for me, and you can get out of that dungeon you call a bedroom for a night! It’ll be fun! Pleeeeeeeease~.” 

You can see the bright amber puppy-dog eyes she was giving you through the phone. There was no way she would let you off the hook if Taylor was dragging her to the Expo. Knowing Taylor, they had probably pre-ordered three VIP passes months ago and had been secretly geeking out since, waiting to haul us to their favorite displays and setting up the perfect itinerary. But also in their excitement, forgot to tell us about it until now.  

With a sigh, you throw your head back onto the headrest. “I’m going whether or not I want to, aren’t I?”

“You know us so well,” came Taylor’s dark-tenor chuckle through the speaker. 

“Well, I’m headed to my appointment up there right now. If you want to meet me at the east entrance of the Salt Palace afterward...” You resign, glancing at the radio clock in the dash. “I should be done by the time you get there, but I’ll text you when I’m on my way.” Delilah squeals, and Tay’s hums in contentment. 

“See you there,” they both reply. “Drive safe, Drive smart.”

“You too. I’d suggest taking Trax if you can. The parking is gonna be a nightmare. I can take y’all home when we’re done.”

“Sounds like a plan. See you there,” Tay calls through Lila’s squeals before hanging up.

Staring blankly through the window for a minute before turning on the radio and making your way back into heavy Utah traffic.  

An hour later, you pull into the large parking structure, running out of the car and into the blazing summer heat. Fucking Utah drivers. Unable to go a single day without causing some sort of preventable crash. Bursting into the large hospital, you clip your little identification tag before heading to the research lab where they run all their tests. Pulling your shoulders back as you scan your ID and pass the double doors that say: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.

You follow the labyrinth of hallways to a small medical-exam room in the furthest corner of the buildings. X-rays, MRIs, and Photos were stuck to lightboards around the room. With a huff, you look away from the gruesome images, towards a devilishly-handsome blond clothed in SHIELD emblazoned shrubs and a University of Utah Hospital doctor’s coat. The modelesque picture on his ID not doing him justice. 

“Hello, Miss Darling, only ten minutes early. What happened, you get stuck in traffic?” His aggravatingly-nasal voice pierced through the sounds of him typing on his small laptop, reminding you just how much you dislike this man. 

“Yes, actually, Dr. Fenris. There were three crashes on I-15, and then there was a line of cars four miles long getting off for the Expo. I never realized that there was enough parking for that here.” I grit my teeth, plastering on my smile at his joke. 

“Well, I see no use dilly-dallying any further; if you’ll change into your gown and then sit on the exam table, we’ll start with that today, then we’ll head to the MRI and X-ray followed by your physical strength and endurance testing.” Dr. Fenris said as you grabbed the scratchy hospital gown off the end of the exam table and started changing. There is no use hiding your body, this man has seen every part of my it over the last four years since you’ve come back to the states. If you were honest with yourself, you would stop these useless exams. The longer they went, the worse you were being treated, and the more you get the feeling that something is wrong. It’s not like they were making any progress in making this “cure” that you are supposedly helping with. 

Gown on, you sit on the bed. Legs dangling off the floor slightly as you wait for Fenris to finish whatever he is typing. As he turns his attention to you with a smirk, a wicked glint enters his eye. “Look at that; just as predicted, your healing time has decreased since the last time you got an abrasion. This week we’re going to analyze how your platelets are going to react to different poisons.”

Looking at him cautiously, you move the slightest bit away from his seat.

“Oh silly, we are going to do it in the lab. Just a couple of vials of blood from you are needed. For now, at least.” He placates jovially, pulling out a tray of vials and a winged phlebotomy kit. 

You warily keep your eye on him as he comes around to the side of the table. Right as he’s about to stick you, a knock comes at the door. You look at the doctor surprised. He just gives a tight smile, showing a tight smile as he turns to the door, opening it. “Dr. Banner, I didn’t think you were going to come in today.” the jittery surprise made evident his cheerful mask. 

“I wasn’t planning on it. Then I noticed that the subject of your tests was going to be in today and couldn’t help but want to see her for myself.” responded the gentle-looking man with salt and pepper hair and black-rimmed, nerd glasses. “My name is Dr. Bruce Banner. I am here to check on the status of Dr. Fenris’ research.” 

“Hey,” you say with an awkward little wave, “I’m Penelope, but I guess you knew that already since I am his research,” you can’t help the self-deprecating chuckle and tight smile that follow Dr. Banner’s staring. “You just got to his favorite part. Fenris here was just about to stab me like Vlad the Impaler.” Your anxiety at Fenris’ obvious joy from your pain showing slightly.

Dr. Banner looked at you with complete horror. Turning to Dr. Fenris with a look of disgust. “I should hope not. It would be disappointing if this project were to stop. There is great potential for new knowledge and understanding here.”

Giggling slightly at the furious look Fenris throws you, your chest releases. “It was one time, Ms. Darling. And you healed before you even left the hospital.”

“Doesn’t mean you won’t do it again, Dr. we-are-testing-your-platelets’-reaction-to-poisons-this-week. I feel like my cautiousness is well deserved, and I still hate needles,” you pout. “Now, if you’ll hurry up and stick me so we can get this over with. I’m supposed to be going to the Stark expo thingy. Gotta play the interpreter between my friends. Though, I’m pretty sure they are just using that excuse to get me to go with them.” 

Dr. Banner chuckled awkwardly as you turn to him, trying to ignore the deplorable doctor to your right. “Anyway, how hopeful are you for this research Dr. Banner? Are you going to the Expo? I hear that they will be talking about the new renewable resource cells Stark Industries is working on. I hope that they are planning on making them powerful enough to bring about an electric car. There are just too many oil refineries around here to be healthy. I personally would hop on that electric car bandwagon if there was one affordable and efficient.”

As you rambled, two large sterile culture bottles and six smaller tubes are filled with your blood. Dr. Banner keeps out of the way as Fenris goes about testing your reflexes and taking measurements of your leg, inspecting the other doctor’s work before Looking at the pictures, and medical imaging on the wall. “How long ago were these pictures taken?” He finally asks, pointing to the first set of photographs. Your leg was utterly ravaged, exposing the metal skeleton while the flesh looked like it was used as a cougar’s chew toy. 

“Four years.” I wince, remembering the carnage that Fury and Coulson had found me in. “Almost to the day.” 

“And this one?” gesturing to the next picture; muscle and tendon now in some sense of a sinewy leg. The skin overlying the fragile tissues without much scar tissue. 

“Two weeks later. The next is two weeks after that. I can tell you that growing pains are indeed worth all the crying that children do over them.” You joke, looking at the almost normal looking appendage in the picture, then at the more tone,d version currently attached to your body. 

“Can you feel it? When did it start?” You could tell that Banner’s questions were from a scientific fascination that made you smirk. He looked kind of like a little boy set loose in a candy store; intrigued, and full of genuine curiosity.

“I can’t really feel it, but my brain started to connect to it a few months after the initial accident. I am kinda glad I can’t feel it though. Getting back feeling all at once makes ‘pins and needles’ look like child’s play. Though according to Dr. Fenris, my body is apparently fully healed, and I could get the feeling back any second.” 

“Have you had today’s scans? Can I see them?”

“Not yet. That comes after the blood draw today, Then it’s time for some superhero training. Apparently, it’s not enough to take all my healing into account. I’m also being studied as a Superhuman… Fenris here likes to refer to me as a Supersoldier. I don’t really see how that fits since I never was technically a soldier-” 

“Well, if you wouldn’t mind me accompanying you, we can see what you can do. Who knows maybe by the end of today you’ll be vetted into the Avengers.”

“I don’t think that will be a possibility, Dr. Banner. I don’t think SHIELD is a big fan of my existence. I am only useful as a lab rat.”

The man looks to Fenris through the corner of his eye. “Is that right? I have a feeling many things about this research are going to be changing,” a deep undertone of discontent laced through the Dr.’s words. 

Throughout the next hour, more medical tests are done. By the time we are back into the little exam room, you are full of pent up energy. Now was your favorite part of these appointments. You get to actually use some of the ‘powers’ that You were given. You could set yourself free.

If you want more Winter Soldier fics, check out @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​. They have a great one called Breach.

Thank you all for reading.

Tags are open for this fic; I am also curious to see what you all think. Share your truth with me.

People I think will enjoy reading this: @star-spangled-beard-burn@angrythingstarlight​ @tossacoin2yourwitcher​ @navybrat817​ @nekoannie-chan​ @donutloverxo​ @stargazingfangirl18​ @nsfwsebbie​ @jtargaryen18 @buckys-broody-muffin​ @nacho-bucky​ @giorno-plays-piano​ @buckybarney

[burnedbyshoto]

I'm not sure if your requests are open or not- but I really wanted to ask if you could write a hc of Cat Hybrid!Shigaraki being taken to the hybrid vet by their s/o to get a cone around his neck?? Since their s/o has told him so many times to stop and like- he just won't so they're left with no choice?? 👀👀

cat hybrid!shigaraki x reader

warning: fluff, implied smut

word count: 824

a/n: I wrote this in a rush, i’m so sorry sweetie if you found this bad I tried my best :(

oh boy when you first notice your boyfriend cutting itching his neck with his long nails, he straight-up lies to your face and denies it was happening

you drop it the first time of course

but you see his little black and white tail swishing as his sign of lying and you glare at him

the second time you catch him itching away, he lets you come up and inspect him, only to then distract you with a toe-curling kiss as his tail swishes gently against the back of your leg, something you’ve grown to love

so you fail in seeing what exactly is wrong

the third time you catch him, you go and get tick medicine because it’s happened before and it was literally the worst day in both your lives

why were ticks so damn aggressive???

you manage to trap shiggy in a corner by distracting him with a remote-controlled mouse he loved to hunt (something having to do with him feeling super powerful and victorious)

you pounced onto shiggy and wrestled him to the ground pulling away at his soft hair to stare at his neck, and you curse as you see the dried up and fresh blood on his neck

“baby, why would you do this?”shiggy’s cat ears lay low to his head as he attempts to hide his face into your neck as a soft purr escapes his neck

“I just thought the itch would go away...”

so you schedule a visit to the hybrid vet right away to get it checked out and fixed for tomorrow

the next day, shiggy is pissed off at you

you hadn’t exactly told him, given that you knew how he reacted when knowing he was going to the vets, but still, the aggression made you want to fight back

but you knew he was just scared that was all

so the two of you sit in the vet's office surrounded by many other hybrids

your fingers gently scratch the backside of shiggy’s cat ears knowing how much he enjoys it

you smack his hands if they ever start reaching for his neck

“tomura?” they call him and the two of you get up

basically, the vet just hands you two things as soon as he walks in, a cone and ointment

“He’s probably hitting some early stages of mating season and just doesn’t know how to cope with these emotions, so instead of releasing them they’re bottled up and it's causing him to behave in this matter.” the vet explained as your eyes widen and you nod having not known anything about this

“so, um, so sexual activities should alleviate the... pain?”

“well, yes, even by himself he should be fine, which is why this is sort of weird?”

you glance over at shiggy who is pouting at the fact the cone was now inhibiting him from scratching freely at his neck and he growls softly

“I’ll see what I can do, thank you vet.” you bow in thanks as he leaves and you take shiggy home

of course not until after you take over a thousand pictures of him with the cone on

“so...” you begin as you make your way back to your home, you having to guide shiggy as he couldn’t walk upright without seeing “you haven’t been masturbating?”and shiggy shakes his head and you nod quickly hoping to get past this conversation as quickly as possible

“Why?” you ask“because I only want you.” shiggy admits and you blush heavily

maybe you could help alleviate the pain after all

however, you quickly figure out that you can not kiss your boyfriend with the cone on his head

“well shit...” shiggy says after another failed attempt at a kiss

“guess that means no kissing...” you whisper as you fall down to your knees, determined to help your boyfriend at all costs

bonus!

“can I take this stupid cone off?” shiggy asks as you lie in bed, cuddling as it grows dark

“absolutely not.”

“what’re you going to do if I take it off, hit me?”

you have to sit up to look him in the eyes and you’re not sure if he’s joking or not

“excuse me?”your eyes catch his hands moving to remove the cone“

Don’t you dare!”

[unboundbnha]

hoooo my god. this is for ME

for me. for godzilla. :’) 

➤ rules; make headcanons of you and a character of your choice, be it sfw or nsfw.

Thank you so much for tagging me @spicyness​! I’m gonna SKAJHDSKJ. HHHHH. This is everything? Fuck I just want a purple boyfriend 😫 this will be about Shinsou because I like him a normal amount :-)

First off, I’m a pain in the ass. My sense of humor is wack (it’s basically just ‘annoy my friends and loved ones’), I’m always fricken TANKING The Mood (because it’s funny and I physically cannot resist making a Funny if the opportunity’s there), everything turns into a game unless you make me stop wink wonk. Shinsou seems like the type to snort in amusement and roll his eyes at my dumb antics, and I appreciate that! If I could make him legit laugh I’d die happy. (I am also emotionally savvy enough to know when to draw the line though, don’t worry. It’s just, man, my idea of fun is ‘LET’S ROAST ‘EM’)

I love cats. I’ll lose my whole mind over them. They NEED head kisses. Shinsou also likes cats. He also needs head kisses. That’s it, that’s the bullet point

Being open and honest and genuine is important to me. I believe most any relationship (friendship or otherwise) can work if you’re willing to communicate and empathize with the other person: I would 100% be willing to hear Shinsou’s shit, and he seems like he’d be a good listener too. I’m also good at logicking things through and he seems like he’d appreciate that. Likewise, he seems like he’d do the same for me, and as long as we stayed humble and weren’t looking to be offended (I don’t Do That -- he’s a Cancer -- love you, Cancers -- so it might take him a minute to get on the same page, but he’s emotionally smort and cares about me so I think he’d be willing to work at it) then we could help each other through emotionally hard stuff with hard truths. Plus, I’m a super honest person: if he was in a relationship with me he’d probably be pretty secure in knowing I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose. If past shit comes up with him, I’ll talk to him. Talking’s the good shit, y’all: utilize patience and empathy and you’ll be so well off!

I also battle, with a big fucking sword, a lot with mental health stuff (LMAOOOO WHO DON’T!!! YEET). I used to struggle with agoraphobia and still deal with anxiety and depression. On top of that, I have something like chronic fatigue -- I’ve been calling it chronic fatigue because I’m fucking tired, all the time. My top energy levels are like a 35% on a fantastic day. I really like the idea of this boye seeing me melting into a puddle, face down on the carpet, and bein like “how’s it going down there? you okay?” and the answer being obviously no, but him just like. Man I dunno. He seems like the kind of person who’s tired, but who can live with it. I can’t! When I’m tired, that’s it babes! I hit a 0% on my battery and I’ll collapse! So I just, hhhh. Don’t laugh, but I like to fantasize about him bundling me up and into bed. Thinkin’ about Birthday Snoot by my good friend @lord-explosion-baku​ and melting, okay?? OKAY???? I’m soft, the truth’s OUT, FUCK! I want to be taken care of like a sad but pampered cat.

(Please read Birthday Snoot I still cry over it)

Also I’m gross and struggle to shower often enough because it’s exhausting so bein given a gentle bath? oh MAN. Hands softly running through my stupid, terrible hair...asking me about my day and if anything happened that triggered me feeling this bad...just....the tenderness....the gentle affection.....being loved even when I’m at my lowest. Being cared for when I can’t do it myself. That’s a legit fantasy y’all. We out here!

I love to SNOOZE. I love being COZY. You bet your sweet bippy I’m gonna sprawl over a couch and take up the whole thing. Shinsou’d better be willing to snuggle the fuck up. I’ve got great squish which I personally feel like’s great for cuddling: I’m like warm taffy. How better to gently seep into every crevasse of your Favorite Person while enjoying a cozy cuddle?

Listen, everyone fucks hard with Shinsou calling his S/O ‘kitten’, and I agree (def have written leetle -- HOO -- leetle scenarios with that nickname because wow) but I get all wibbly with the idea of He calling me ‘Angel’. A joke at first because, like, guys, I’m really nice. (I know it sounds bad when people say they’re nice and LSDFLKJDF I AM, OKAY. I’ve worked on it. Cultivated the skill of kindness! Being kind isn’t easy, and sometimes you just wanna go apeshit, but I’ve worked hard to improve upon myself! Yeet!) But I also just really fucking love being annoying. I simply cannot resist the urge to sneak up behind someone and poke them in the ribs. I rib-poke while in the deep depths of making out too, I’ve tanked the mood a lot so picture my dumb ass Pink Panther’ing behind Shinsou, prepared to be Evil while he’s, idk, making breakfast or something, and before I can commit a Rib Crime he uses his hero training and fast reflexes and honed senses and all that good stuff to snatch my wrist and ask “what’re you up to, angel?” the answer is nothing, because he’s killed me by being sexy and fast and hero-y, and he’s probably actually killed me by startling me into collapsing like a fainting goat

He gets the deep stuff. Unfortunately for everyone and especially myself, I’m a Thinker with a capital T: it never fucking stops. I had an existential crisis for like three years in a row because of course, but I feel like he knows what it’s like to get lost in your head. Working each other out of panic attacks because holy jesus the universe sure is fucking huge huh? We’re not even a blip on the radar in the history of existence and we’re gonna be dead basically tomorrow aaaand that’s why we’d be good for each other, because I feel like we both have coping mechanisms that keep us from spiraling too bad, and we could share them with each other.

I also so fucking admire his drive, but it makes me angry that stupid fucking hero society would discriminate in the first place. 

Oh, yeah, that’s another good point: I’m hella mad about 98% of the time and I work hard to hide it! Because innocent people don’t deserve to get yelled at! I feel like Shinsou’s smart enough to sense when I’m about to pop and he can be like “heyyyyy...you wanna talk this out constructively instead of getting into a public brawl?” and I’ll be like “NO but I’ll do it for you because I love you” and then we get pizza.

Because I’m fine and balanced and stuff, I made a quirk for myself if I was in the BNHA-verse, and basically I can get stronger at the expense of higher thinking skills and will turn into a weapon of mass destruction against whatever I’m pointing at (ugh, that’s so sexy. Fuck I wanna be a big spooky buff as shit monster thing), friend or foe, so Shinsou and I would work well in tandem because if I got too rowdy he could use his quirk and get me to calm down! Keep me from accidentally doing a murder! Nice!

Okay this is nsfw so if you’re under 18 DON’T READ IT. I’LL CALL YOUR PARENTS. GET OFF MY BLOG. 

Relating to the point above, QUIRKPLAY. Mind control me into stuff I want to do but am too awkward to ask for, please and THANK you. Also, Shinsou’s a top. Gotta be, and thank god for it because I’m certainly not. I’m not happy about being a fucking bottom, because my first and most powerful personalty trait is ‘be as annoying as possible to the people you like; don’t let them tell you what to do.’ Can’t make it easy on myself, nope. Anyway, I want the appearance of being a top without the responsibility because damn, gotta be like, suave and shit. Gotta plan stuff. I don’t like that! I do that enough in real life and I don’t like it there, either! But whatever. I’m a brat and I feel betrayed by my coochie for it. But Shinsou’s a top and he’d tease me for being Fucking Terrible, and suddenly I wouldn’t be so mad at my coochie. She has her reasons.

I...like Shinsou for a lot of reasons, but a really big one, for sure, is that I feel like he can communicate about the important stuff. He likes to tease, but he knows when to be serious too. I’m really wack about being close and intimate with people and I have, hhh, special requirements to be able to sleep with them, and I feel like he’d both be able to respect AND honor that. Like, run through the rest of the BNHA boys with me here: would Bakugou be able to be completely cool, calm, and collected while still teasing, but knowing where to draw the line? Todoroki’s closer maybe, but he’s not as people-smart (which is also a big thing for me). Confidence (or at least the appearance of it when it’s important), respect, communication, listening and respecting what I ask for even if it seems wack -- Shinsou has that, and god is it attractive. 

Also, mind control. 

Also, his capture weapon. 

Also you know this motherfucker is kinky as shit. Thank the good lord.

Also, sexy-slow makeouts with his long, nimble hands running up my outer thighs to squeeze my waist -- teeth on neck, stolen gasps of breath -- 

\\\\\\

I feel bad because all of this, fuckin, WALL of text is pretty much ‘this is what purble boy can do for me’ and I don’t say a lot I’d do for him, but if I got someone like him I’d go to the end of the earth for them. I may be a perpetually-sleepy bitch, but one of my best -- and worst -- character traits is my unwavering loyalty. I’ll be 110% down to kick anyone’s ass who insults him: he can fight his own battles, but he shouldn’t have to over some dumbass with a big mouth and a little brain. Making him smile and laugh, oof, be still my beating heart. Words of encouragement when life gets too much. Genuine thanks for his help, whatever it may be. Hugs, because we’re both touch-starved as fuck and he deserves gentleness, dammit. He doesn’t seem like his love language is receiving gifts -- more like quality time and words of affirmation? Maybe physical touch? -- but I’d still get him little things that made me think of him, that could help him in his day to day life or maybe just bring a smile to his face. We could rescue each other at social conventions, have dates to the humane society and play with cats. Support each other through our depression days, prove that even having a brain that’s mean to you sometimes doesn’t make you unlovable. Man, idk. The whole thing’s soft and makes my heart go doki-doki. Hitoshi Shinsou is an extremely good person and god damn I’d want to show him I appreciated him and existing at the same time as him. He deserves love and kindness. He deserves someone to kiss every knuckle of his hand. He deserves hugs in the kitchen and blankets being pulled over his shoulders when he falls asleep at the desk. He deserves only good things, and I’d be honored to give them to him. 

HHHHH.

Okay! If you made it to the end of this, congratulations! You don’t actually get anything, but boy oh boy you have a lot of information about ME now! Aren’t you delighted? Heh. So! You tag people for this stuff, and I’m gonna tag @lord-explosion-baku​, @bnhascribbles​, @perpetual-bed-head​, @russianonion​, @weebsinstash​, and last but certainly not least, @usernamekate94​. Tell me about Monoma, Kate. Tell me.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs “Apathy”

Ok everyone, this was a super big pain to try to get into four pages. I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies that you see here, but there is a lot that I cannot fit in to make it more accurate.

WARNING! For anyone who doesn’t want to see images of PTSD, violence or some self harm, you probably don’t want to read this. 

This is a very important chapter for you to understand some things I have planned for upcoming posts. As always critiques, questions comments, prompts, ideas and messages are always welcome.

Krill peered around the doorframe into the captain’s quarters, he definitely planned on speaking with him about Sunny, this was the third time in two days she had slammed her head into a doorframe because she wasn’t looking: mostly because she was listening to music. To keep the integrity of her skull, he thought it might be best to limit her music time, for her health or course.

When he came around the corner, he found Captain Vir kneeling on the floor with Waffles, scratching her behind the ears with one hand and fitting her into a vest with the other. Krill was only just beginning to understand the human script but he thought he read.

Service Dog DO NOT TOUCH.

“Captain, what is that?” He wondered, completely forgetting his earlier question.

Captain Vir looked up from where he knelt rubbing the dog’s ears, “Oh, It’s her service vest.” When Krill didn’t seem to understand, the man continued, “Sometimes human’s train dogs to help people with stuff like a disability, medical condition or mental illness. The vest allows her to go into places other dogs can’t.”

“Oh…. Is that because of your leg than?”

The captain shook his head, “No, I used to have pretty severe PTSD after coming home from the war. I don’t so much now, but sometimes I have my days.”

Krill shifted a little nervously, “May I ask….” He trailed off not sure how to phrase the question.

Vir grinned at him, “Krill, you know you can ask me anything right, but I get what you’re trying to say… the war ending was actually worse for me than the war itself.”

***

Lieutenant Vir lay on his bunk in the dim lighting listening to the sound of the ship’s distant engines. His missing leg throbbed.  Even with it gone, it was still destined to haunt him. Door opened a crack, he listened with apathy as the Captain spoke to one of the other officers

“How are they?”

A long pause followed, “About as good as you’d expect.”

The captain gave a long sigh, and Vir could hear the sound of his clothes shifting, “Well, we just started our descent, so get them up, and let’s get these boys home.”

***

Vir sat in the shuttle as it rocked underneath him. He looked down at his missing leg, and the shitty surplus prosthetic they had given him, the knee didn’t even bend forcing him to limp around on crutches. He had already fallen more times than he could count. He squeezed his eyes shut as the ship rocked harder trying to force down the panic as the sound of the ship’s engines grew louder and louder in his ears. His leg throbbed with the beating of his heart, and his breathing sped up.

They touched down some minutes later his head ringing as the shuttle coasted to a stop and the doors were opened. He gathered up his crutches and levered himself to his feet limping horribly at the awful prosthetic and his stupid crutches. He slipped coming off the ramp landing hard on his side. The soldiers on the tarmac rushed forward to help him up, but he angrily shrugged them off. They stepped back hesitantly as he struggled to his foot, hip smarting. He could feel his eyes growing hot with unshed tears, but he forced those down too angrily limping away from the ship head down. He didn’t want to see their faces, the pity, the cripple.

He felt so stupid angry at that idiot boy obsessed over aliens and UFOs. If he had just been normal, none of this would have happened. Even the thought of aliens made him sick, made him want to curl up, to run away, though he couldn’t even run now. His throat tightened; he felt as if a massive hand came down to constrict his chest.  Still nursing his bitter thoughts, he was ushered through a door into the terminal, and there he saw them. His mother and father waiting for him by baggage claim.

They saw him too, and he watched the look on his mother’s face as her eyes widened, and her hands shot up to cover her mouth. His father’s expression never changed much, but now an expression of anger, and then horror shot though him for a small moment. Upon seeing them, the hotness returned to Vir’s eyes.

They met him halfway, his mother crying, and his father stoically silent. She wrapped him up in her arms in a way that she never had before. This time, he couldn’t contain the heat, and he felt the tears beginning to spill down his cheeks as he rested his head against her shoulder.

***

The sky above was blue, or it should have been. Everything seemed so grey these day. Vir sat on the back porch of his childhood home scanning the shrubs at the back of the yard for signs of movement. He didn’t mean to do it, it was just habit at this point. His head snapped to the side thinking he had seen a flash of blue form the corner of his eye, but no. He went back to scanning the trees acutely aware of the emptiness that so haunted him. From his new spot on the porch, he was just able to hear any conversation coming from the kitchen. He had heard a lot of conversations about him these days, about how he wasn’t himself, about how their happy boy was gone, about how he needed help, about how the VA sucked (yeah, about a thousand years later and the VA still sucked).

He would feel bad for his parents, if he could FEEL anything, anything but anger, or fear. He couldn’t go out in public anymore, he got overwhelmed in crowd, and sudden noises had him ducking for cover. The more crowded an area, the more flashbacks he got, the more panic attacks.

And he still couldn’t walk very well. That made him angry. He just wanted to run, to get away from his problems, but you can’t run from your problems when you can’t even run. He dropped his head into his hands, but looked back up almost immediately scanning the yard once again.

A hand on his shoulder, “Adam.”

The flashback was immediate and violent, the Drev looming against a blood red sky. Pain.

When his vision cleared, he was on his feet, and his mother….. she was backed against the doorframe hand to her mouth.

She was bleeding.

He stepped back, “Mom… I…. I’m.” And then he ran, as much running as he could do. He slipped on the floor barely catching himself on the wall before running into his room and slamming the door locking it behind him. He slid down the other side of the door shaking staring at his hands stomach churning in abject horror.

He was a monster.

He dropped his head against his knee biting his hand to choke back the sobs.

He could hear them knocking on the door begging him to come out, to talk to them. She wasn’t mad, she was sorry, she shouldn’t have snuck up on him, apologizing like it was her fault, when everyone knew it was his. He bit down even harder filling his mouth with warm copper.

Around the room, posters stared at him with accusing eyes. Accusing alien eyes.

Aliens.

He closed his eyes but could still feel their staring at him their accusations. What right did they have to accuse him, after taking his leg? The anger welled up inside him, until he couldn’t contain it.

With all the hatred he had pent up for them, he clawed his way to his feet, he ripped the posters from the walls throwing them to the floor, tearing them into pieces, he smashed figurines spilling glass across the floor, he ripped pictures from books, tore sketches from drawing books until his hands were bleeding.

Outside, his father hammered on the door demanding to be let in. His mother cried.

***

He lay on the floor amidst the pages and the glass removed from everything wallowing in apathy. The anger had trained away to be replaced by the nothingness. The voices outside his door ad stopped hours ago, after he had acknowledged to his parents he was still alive. They were worried, but his father hasn’t been able to break down the door. He had tried.

A soft click, the door swung open.

Adam turned in surprised to find David kneeling at the level of the door holding a set of lock picks.

He was alone.

“Hey baby brother, you look like shit.”

Adam turned his head away, “Just leave me alone.”

David moved forward standing over him, “No, Adam, you crossed a line today. I know you’re sick, and it isn’t your fault, but it’s time to get help.” David reached down and grabbed him by the shoulders hauling him to his feet with an immense amount of strength, “Come on, let’s go.”

“I know a guy, and he’s promised to get you help.”

***

They sat in the waiting room Him and David filling out the final paperwork. His brother had been a pest, but at least he hadn’t treated him like a glass sculpture. He talked to him the same, joked with him the same, and told him when he was being a jerk. It was annoying, but it was kind of nice.

As he was making the last signature something padded across the floor. There was a light pressure on his knee, and he looked down to find a large set of brown eyes looking up at him.

The dog wagged its tail. The vest glittered red and black in the overhead lights.

A woman stood a few feet away smiling as the dog shoved its snout forward forcing him to stroke its ears. It made a soft grumble crawling halfway into his lap resting its head against him as he ran a hand down her soft fur.

He smiled for the first time in months.

Waffles was a good girl, she help him during the flashbacks and the panic, the stopped him from continuing with poor coping habits, she led him away from overwhelming areas, and she kept people at a safe distance when that didn’t work.

Slowly, he got better.

***

He sat on the floor with Waffles sitting next to him, “And this is a Rundi, I saw them the most when I was out. They fought with us in the war, fast suckers, but they couldn’t take a hit worth a damn. I should have more information around her somewhere.” He shuffled through the pile of papers with waffles resting her head on his knee staring up at him with big brown eyes.

A soft knock at the door.

He looked up to find his mother standing there. He smiled at her and she beamed back walking in to sit next to him reaching over to rub waffles across the belly. The dog grumbled, “Who’s my favorite girl?”

“Mom, I think I’m ready to get back to work.”

She beamed, “That’s great Adam, what are you going to do?”

He sat running a hand over his new prosthetic, it had helped a lot over his old one. All the joints articulated, even the toes (which definitely helped his balance) after months of physical therapy, you couldn’t even tell he was missing a leg. He even managed to stand up on moving busses so others could have his seat. He took the dog out for daily runs regaining the fitness he had lost during those long months after the war.

“I’m going back.”

She looked confused, “Back to where?”

“The army, mother, I want to see the rest of what’s out there.”

She didn’t much like that idea.

She was very worried about what would happen if he were to ever meet a Drev.

[kylejourney]

Coping Skills Tips

Hello world I am strongly recommended coloring! You probably think it is stupid or lame. Whatever your opinion is I am strong recommended coloring. You probably wonder why because it is one of coping skills! It helps relax stress and help with boredom! I am glad I started again because I had stress relaxation and times goes fast so I do not get bored. It will benefit you a lot! Think about it you can give coloring papers to your family or friends. I do color pages in paper protectors in the binder to give my family members for Christmas. It cheaper honest but it is good present!! I enjoyed coloring. When you have anxiety or stress you should try coloring. If you find that is not helping you do not worry, I can recommend other coping skills. I suggest you write down on the list or cards of what coping skills. Also, I suggest you do with coping thoughts too. I do the index cards with the ring so I can look at them any time I needed to.

Ok I am also strongly recommended journaling if you love to write why not write in the journal? I am suggesting you have separated journals one for personal and one for your counselor. If you are in counseling, it helps your counselor understand more. You do not have to tell them anything that why you should have separated ones. I do that so my counselor understand me better. If you do better express in writing, then you should do it. If writing is not your thing then you can make a video of yourself then show to your counselor. I tried that but I did not like it.

Stress toys or stress balls. You can take it any time to work, driving, school, and any places. It easy to carry and can be in your pocket. Just try find one that do not do annoying noises. When I had fidget toy in class trip people who made a speech can hear it. So, I was bothering them. I think most hospital have them just try to ask!

Aroma therapy you buy the light. You pour a little water in it and do two drops of essential oils. Yeah then you need to turn it on too. Lavender is good for anxiety and pain. It is most popular people use. Try not get some essential that not good for cats and dogs. They have some essential oils that not good for dogs and cats. So, you should look it up online or borrow library book. Also, you can buy the bracelet if you do not want buy light. You do two drops on your bracelet and it get smell. If it gives you strong headache do not do it next time or use different essential oils. There some essential oils rolls for pain like headache. You can look it up more about that. Just try not near to cats and dogs.

Blogging! If you have a lot of ideas or stories why not share it? What about write a short book? Maybe write a poem? Maybe make up a joke? Being creative is fun! If you struggle with English like I do you should try do English workbook. Start with level 1 if needed. It is not harmed to teach yourself English! Amazon has these English workbooks. Also, you can google ideas but do not steal people’s ideas. So be creative! What about write a letter or write a email?

Play with bubbles! If its nice day I suggested, you play with bubbles. It is fun to me! You can get bubbles wand or whatever. You do not have to blow bubble wands but if you get to blow bubbles try deep breath slowly and blow. Try not breathing fast because when I do it will not blow. So, try slowing it down. Why not become a bubble artist?

Workout or move around. I suggest when you are stressed move around or workout. It helps you make feel good. Even if you are depressed too. You can even sit and move your arms and legs. There much yoga on YouTube you can try. If possible, you can go to swim and do exercise because it is low impact. Walking should help too. If you have watch or Fitbit, you can track your steps but not be hard on yourself if you do not do a lot of steps. You can dance around randomly like no one watching. It is silly but fun. Join in sports if possible.

Doodling, sketching, painting, etc. If you are a talented artist why not sell your stuff or share your ideas? My friend has her art page where she sells art things. What about set up account about your art? If you cannot draw just start and learn!

Deep breathing! There some different ways to deep breathing like star and 4-7-8. Your counselor can help with that or you can learn yourself from the app. Try think about how you breathe not other stuff in your head. Focus how deep breathe you do and find a place that people cannot bother you. You should find comfortable place like on couch or floor. I saw the school once had place for stressed person to do deep breath. It hard to start but you will get it. You do not always have to close your eyes. Even if at school or work you feel stressed take a moment deep breathe. Be careful when you are driving!

 Talk to your close friends or family. When you feel need someone talk to. I suggest you find right person for that. I am thankful I have some support people you should try find one too. If they will not listen, you or not support you then they are not for you. Call the crisis line if you do not have someone talk to and you feel like want to hurt yourself or kill yourself. Like I said writing in journal also helps.

Make videos or take pictures. If you want to be a model or actor. Start practicing and small steps help. You can ask people for their advice. Follow people on social media. You can look up more about that I do not know much about that. But making YouTube channel is good step too.

Take a bath or shower. When you are depressed and do not shower or bath for few days. Do it and you will feel a little better. You will find yourself cleaner and fresher which is good thing! Maybe people said, “Ooh you smell so good!” Also, you should brush your teeth daily you do not want to have cavity trust me. When you have teeth pain it hurt like hell. The cheek gets swollen and ear hurts too. Try not eating too much candy because it delays your teeth from the chemical. I strong suggest you brush your teeth twice daily and floss!

Do whatever coping skills that help you. If you find whatever coping skill help you should do it, but smoking, drugging, drinking, and binge eating are bad coping skills. If you find good coping skills, then that is good! I made many coping skills tips and if you are in counseling and struggling. That is okay because it almost takes me almost two years to do coping skills better. It will happen for you too. You will depend on coping skills better. Also, I will explain about promise and motivated. If you want do workout today you promise yourself, you will do it. That is means you do it because you promised. Then you will feel better.  So, if you depend on motivated you may not do it and you may feel not good. If you broke promise with yourself just forgive yourself and move on. Try do more promise than depend on motivated.

I hope it helps and you enjoy reading it! 😊