#i love putting in weeks of work with the dining hall to make sure disabled students and staff get an accommodation

[sharoscylla]

I love love love experiencing weird little microaggressions from people who can see that I'm physically disabled but assume I'm??? Not really disabled???? I love love love it. Unrelated I will begin inflicting macroaggressions on people.

[hanatiny]

Love, just maybe

requested by anon: Hi! Can you please write a Yeosang fic where he's in a wheelchair and a caretaker is hired to look after him and he falls in love with her? Thank you!!

a/n: in case anyone spots any medical inaccuracies and/or language I shouldn’t be using, please let me know so I can fix that!! thank u, enjoy <3

pairing: Yeosang x caretaker!f!reader

genre: fluff, very slight angst

word count: 2453

warnings: non-idol AU, mentions of disability and wheelchairs, mentions of driving, mentions of car crashes, brief mentions of food, Wooyoung unintentionally becomes the wingman of the year with someone else’s help lol

-----

You were not the slightest bit sure of how to feel about the situation, tapping your fingers against your steering wheel anxiously while you impatiently waited for traffic to clear up.

A man by the name of Jung Wooyoung had contacted you earlier this week, explaining that his friend Yeosang was in need of a caretaker but stubbornly refused to look into hiring one himself.

You had taken the “offer” without much thinking (it was more of a desperate request although Wooyoung would never admit this), especially since Yeosang was supposedly around your age and it’d make bonding with him easier, but now that you sat here in your car you weren’t all that confident anymore.

It seemed you weren’t allowed to dwell on this any longer, however, since you finally saw traffic clear up and were able to continue your way to your destination, namely Yeosang’s house.

You glanced at your duffle bag on the passenger seat, mentally checking if you’ve got everything - since you were a live-in caretaker, it meant you’d be staying for a while - more precisely, until your client decided they no longer required or wanted your assistance. It didn’t take you much longer to pull into the driveway of Yeosang’s house, which turned out to be a small townhouse in the outskirts of the city.

You climbed out of your car after taking a deep breath to calm your nerves

To your surprise, you found an abundance of flowers blooming in the frontyard. You also spotted a set of swings a little further back, curious to find out the reasoning for the presence of both of these things since you knew Yeosang had been a wheelchair user for quite some time and most likely didn’t take care of his garden or constructed those swings himself.

You weren’t any less startled when you rang the doorbell, only for a little girl who you assumed to be around 11 years old to open the door and greet you with a bright smile, “Hi there, ma’am! Are you here to visit uncle Sang?”

You quirked a brow at the words ‘uncle Sang,’ crouching down to be eye level with the girl before nodding at her, “Something like that, yeah. Could you go and get him for me?”

“Mhm! Just give me a minute~” She giggled as she ran off back into the house, returning shortly after with Yeosang following behind her. He was pretty good-looking, you had to admit. His messy blonde hair framed his face perfectly, and you wondered if it was as fluffy as it looked-

“Miss?” It was the girl’s voice that broke you out of your thoughts, her head tilted to the side inquisitively as she looked at you, “Are you okay?”

“Hm~? Yeah I’m fine, don’t worry.” You gave her a smile to reassure her, one she promptly reciprocated before turning to Yeosang when he gently placed his hand on her shoulder.

“It’s getting late, Minji.” He spoke softly, “You should get home, I bet your little brother and your parents wanna hear all about what we did today~”

She whined as he playfully ruffled her hair, nodding at him in understanding, “Fine~ See you tomorrow, uncle Sang! Bye bye, nice lady~!”

You found it adorable how she addressed you before she gave both you and Yeosang each a small hug before skipping off, presumably back to her own house.

Yeosang watched her with a smile until neither of you could see her anymore, the male clearing his throat awkwardly while his eyes inspected the bag in your hand.

He motioned you to follow him after another beat as he carefully pushed his wheelchair backwards and further into the house, stepping inside and closing the door behind yourself afterwards.

“I know why you’re here, since Wooyoung can’t keep his mouth shut,” Yeosang finally spoke, and it was as if the weight of your nervousness physically dropped from your shoulders, “and I imagine that you know why I’m not all too pleased about it.”

There was no disdain whatsoever towards you in his tone, only exasperation about the fact that his best friend had gone against his wishes.

He took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing, “As I’m sure you’re aware, I dislike having other people do things for me. I grew up being independent from others so this... circumstance isn’t exactly a fortunate one. If you can prove within, let’s say... a week that you genuinely care for more than the money that’s in it for you for doing this, I’ll let you stay even longer.”

It was a fair agreement - if Yeosang was to have a caretaker despite being highly apprehensive about the idea, the least he could make clear is that he didn’t want anyone who’d do a half-assed job and only pretend to care about him.

“We’ve got a deal.” You stated firmly in response, placing your bag on the floor next to you and extending a hand for the blonde to shake. He appeared to hesitate for a split second before shaking your hand with a nod, and you could’ve sworn you his lips twitch into the faintest bit of a smile.

“Lovely. Since I know you’ll need the knowledge, I figured I should tell you where all the rooms are.” He gestured for you to follow, watching him manage to turn himself around before picking up your bag again and letting him lead the way for you.

It was a pretty spacious living space for a single person, though given the circumstances, you weren’t particularly surprised about it.

“Let’s see... My bedroom is down the hall, and so is my bathroom. Minji’s room, the guest room you’ll be staying in and the guest bathroom are upstairs. And the kitchen, living room and dining room are, as you can surely tell, all connected.”

“Got it.”

Yeosang cleared his throat, and you subconsciously straightened your posture a little. “Now,” he said, “you should know that I tend to go to sleep really early, so I suppose this is what I will go ahead and do now. You can explore a little more if you want, but you should get rest as well since you officially start working tomorrow.”

“Are you sure you won’t need my help tonight...?” You inquired tentatively, not wanting to overstep any kind of boundary, and Yeosang seemed hesitant to answer before nodding firmly. “Thank you... but I’ll manage.” He finally said, “Good night, Y/n.”

You shouldn’t have been as stunned by his use of your name as you were, yet there you stood, watching him make his way down the hallway before disappearing into his bedroom. You turned on your heel, deciding that exploring could wait in favor of making yourself at home in ‘your’ room.

You skipped up the stairs, your bag swung over your shoulder, and were quick to find the bedroom you’d be staying in. Minji’s room was decorated overly cutely, while yours looked... lived in. You made a mental note to make sure to ask Yeosang about this.

And sure enough, prove yourself like he challenged you to do was exactly what you did.

Finding out the time Yeosang would usually wake up, you made it your goal to always get up before him to cook a healthy breakfast for him and prepare clothes for him to wear. He was initially reluctant to let you help with the latter, although it didn’t take him long to admit that he both needed and appreciated your assistance with things he wasn’t able to do by himself. Yeosang blushed profusely whenever he asked you to help him in bathroom, be it to empty his bladder or to wash himself, but he did catch himself warming up to you faster than he’d like anyone to know.

He admired the care you put into helping him even with arguably straining tasks like changing positions into a chair, for example, even though he was capable of doing so with minimal help. He took to either reading or playing the violin whenever you left the house to run errands like grocery shopping, and he couldn’t help but let his mind drift to you.

He had once been so distracted by his own thoughts that you had caught him playing a gentle piece on his instrument of choice, and he mentally scolded himself for the rest of that day for allowing it to come to such an embarrassment.

You, however, were absolutely endeared. Both by the fact that he was able to play an instrument as beautiful as the violin, and by the observation you’ve made that he seemed to have quite a big soft spot for Minji.

Speaking of the young girl, you grew closer to her as well - she even began calling you “aunt Y/n” after a few visits, and you could’ve sworn that her cuteness had melted you right where you stood.

It didn’t go unnoticed by Yeosang either, and it had him constantly repeating the two words in his head. He refused to admit it aloud, but he knew that what had his mind racing was the thought of a possible relationship with you that’d go beyond simply caring for him.

Similarly, you found yourself thinking about what it might actually be like to care for a child together with the blonde but snapped out of it before you allowed yourself to take your thoughts to a level that exceeded the professional one you should’ve been keeping it at.

It was Yeosang who finally broke the splintering ice between the two of you after approximately three and a half weeks of you living with him while you two were sitting on the terrace that overlooked his garden, enjoying a comfortable evening together, and you couldn’t help but tense a little from his words, “You know,” he began, “I feel like you deserve some answers to the questions I know you have but are too hesitant to ask.”

You felt your cheeks warm, he couldn’t have been any more correct with his observation.

“Let’s see - your room looked so... used, if you will, because it’s the room Wooyoung previously stayed in before he was forced to move away for work and consequently hired you to take care of me. As for Minji, her parents are away a lot so that’s why she comes over almost every day. Wooyoung and her parents constructed those swings for her when she started visiting me more frequently, and Minji’s friends are the ones taking care of the garden together with her. Y’know, since I can’t for obvious reasons.”

You nodded thoughtfully in response, somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of information you were being given but still grateful for Yeosang’s willingness to be this open with you.

“It’s been almost a year since the accident that caused me to be as I am now, in a wheelchair and codependent due to paraplegia. I will be honest, I neither know nor care to find out why that other guy rammed my car with his... I just know that we wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation if he didn’t and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for putting me in this situation, in this dilemma of being unable to move or even just feel my lower half.”

“That’s understandable... I can only imagine how much it ruined your life, not to mention the emotional trauma that must’ve come with the accident.” You replied softly, trying to be careful with your words as Yeosang nodded in agreement, “Yeah, I haven’t sat in a car again ever since it happened. And I don’t really like talking about it, admittedly...”

You tilted your head at him in question while he trailed off, “I don’t mean to offend, but if that’s the case... Why are you telling me?”

“I can’t blame you for being confused about it, and I’ll be happy to explain my reasoning behind this. Truth is, I like you. In a more than ‘you care for me so I act nice around you’ way, in a... ‘I want to get closer to you’ kind of way.”

You couldn’t help but quirk an eyebrow at Yeosang’s roundabout way of confessing to you, “Are you saying... you have a crush on me?”

“I- well, yeah. That’s what I’m trying to say.” Yeosang nodded shyly at your tentative question, a hum sounding in your throat in response before he continued, nervously fidgeting with his hands a little. “Listen, I just... I think I could fall in love with you. I want to ask you to permanently move in with me, because I most definitely will never get sick of you. Of course you don’t have to accept, if you don’t want to or just don’t feel the same way...”

He trailed off, not even realizing how distracted he was by the way the light of the setting sun illuminated your face until he heard you giggle softly. Yeosang blushed when he noticed that you had, rather boldly, moved your chair closer to him and were now stroking his hair absentmindedly. He found it pathetic how easily the simple gesture flustered him, not dwelling on it any longer while you spoke, “It’s funny that you bring this up, honestly... Because I happen to feel the exact same way. And maybe, just maybe, I could also see myself falling in love with you in the future. With all of you.”

“All of me?” Yeosang echoed tentatively, “Are you sure..?”

You nodded a little more enthusiastically than intended, although that was presently the least of your concerns, “I’m sure. What kind of person would I be if I rejected you purely because of something that’s out of your control?”

Yeosang felt a grin tug at his lips at the double meaning of your statement, although he found himself fumbling a little over his words. “Touché. So... what now? Is this the part where I ask you to be my girlfriend?”

“It is, and it’s also the part where I answer that question with a ‘yes’~”

Yeosang beamed at you, truly delighted that you were willing to give him a chance to be yours. Little did you know though that, as the two of you continued to talk until late in the night about everything under the sun, there was a certain young girl watching you both from where she sat at her window in the neighboring house with a small dreamy sigh before suddenly jumping up and making a run for it down the stairs.

“Mom, can you give me the phone for a sec? I wanna tell uncle Woo that my matchmaking plan worked~!”

----- Taglist:

@atinykitty @cometoceantrenches @ddeonghwva @galaxteez​ @latte-fairytaekwoon @little-precious-baby @multidreams-and-desires @nightqueennyx @serialee @twancingyunhoe @vocalyunho

Network tag: @8makes1teamnet​

[leiascully]

Fic:  An heni a vez ar grass ar merc’hed Part 6/?

Taking a leap here.  WWII AU, PG-13, wartime trauma and injuries, mentions of Nazis.  French puns.  Names changed to reflect the time and place.  The Syndicate are Nazi-adjacent but working for a different new world order. Title is from a Breton proverb, but I just used the part that means “he who has the grace of women”.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | AO3

Life at the White Whale went on.  Mulder knew the old men in the dining room had gotten used to the sight of him when they called him over and started to teach him curse words in Breton and tell him dirty jokes.  Once in a while, on the rainy grey days, they would talk about their sons, gone to the war.  He didn't think they trusted him, the supposed city cousin, and he could see that they knew his accent wasn't quite Parisian, but it still felt like a victory.  

One night, hobbling back from the bathroom, he caught a glimpse of lights at the edge of the forest.  They flickered in and out behind branches, swinging around the height a rider might hold a lantern.  He watched, fascinated, until they drifted out of sight behind the neighbors' barn.

"I saw the lights," he told Monique the next day as they ate baguette spread thickly with jam and butter.  The Scullys all broke their fast together in the kitchen every morning, warming themselves by the fire as they prepared to cut vegetables and slice meat for the day's lunch.

"Did you?" she said.  "Perhaps there's hope for you yet.  We should prepare for whatever is coming, although if you didn't see Arthur himself, maybe it was a sign of something else."

"Perhaps there were fireflies," Dana said, a sour tone to her voice.  

"Oh, Dana," Monique said fondly.  "Can't you let there be magic in the world?"

"Only when Émilie is around," Maelice said, rubbing Dana's back.  "She's been that way since she was little.  No fairy tales for our Dana."

"I see the world as it is," Dana said.  "That's an asset more often than not."

"And you leave the once-upon-a-times to us," Maelice said, hugging Dana around the shoulders.  "Together, we can handle any situation."

"On that we agree," Dana said, wrapping her arms over her sister's.

Mulder looked at them all and marveled that in the middle of a war, their family still loved each other so fiercely.  His family tolerated each other in times of peace, but the moments of warmth were few and far between, some remnant of his parents' restrained upbringing or his father's work.  They had been close for a few years after Sanne's birth, but as the work had grown more intense, the Mulders had grown more distant.  Meanwhile, war seemed to have brought the Scullys closer together, at least those who were left at home.  Maybe it was different with Gwilherm, Gwhil, and Charles around.  He imagined the dynamic was skewed toward the authority of the military men.  There was a photograph of the family in the hall; Gwilherm looked like a proud papa, but a stern one, and Gwhil looked as if he wanted to step directly into his father's shoes.  Mulder wondered what the photographs of his family revealed.  Surely their poses showed the tension between them.  They had been happy once, but every year since his father had begun to work for the smoking man had stolen some of their warmth, until his parents barely spoke to each other and he and Sanne avoided them.  He had the feeling that the Scullys liked him better at this point than his own family had when he'd left.  

He tried not to think too much about the days to come.  He could walk again.  He should have been grateful just for that.  He couldn't run well, and he doubted he would ever be free of the limp, but he could walk without sharp pain.  No one had come looking for him yet.  He suspected no one would, unless the army happened to march through town.  One man, in the scheme of things, didn't matter much.  They would assume he'd been killed and send another scout.  He had never fit in well with his unit anyway, and he certainly wouldn't now, with his permanent disability.   

He could run a few errands around town for Dana, and carry the basket of produce back from the market without overbalancing himself too much.  He would never be fit for service again.  There was a strange satisfaction in that.  He wasn't a coward.  He couldn't be a part of the German Army, and it wasn't his fault.  He had heard of men shooting themselves in the foot before, or being purposefully careless around machinery, all to avoid service, but he had been shot, more or less in the line of duty.  He hadn't given up.  He was relieved of the burden of service and of the specter of cowardice.  He would always need the cane, a visible proof of his sacrifice and his unfitness.  His leg still gave out sometimes, without warning, or ached all the way through, or spasmed all at once as if his muscle were reliving the impact of the bullet.  The weather affected it as well.  He knew when a storm would blow in off the sea before even Marguerite did, and her years as a sailor's wife had taught her well despite their distance from the coast.

It was like a fairy tale in a way.  He had gone on a quest (a dark and evil quest) as the oldest son of his house.  He had been transformed.  He had been rescued by a brave damsel.  Outside the relative sanctuary of the village, a dragon coiled, breathing fire down the necks of the Allied powers.  

Despite the ache in his leg, he felt healthier here than he had in a long time.  His family seemed to have drunk slow poison at some point in the past he couldn't pin down.  He hadn't realized how much he had hated the uniform he'd worn until he'd taken it off.  There were good German people.  He knew that.  But the uniform turned them all into something else, something dire and dangerous, a cancer on the world.  As a Jewish man, however indifferent in his observations, he had felt some sort of subliminal sickness every time he'd put it on.  His mother had been the one to remind him of holidays, to walk him through the rituals, and his attendance at temple had been sporadic, but that heritage was still a part of him.  The prayers in Hebrew still rose to his lips from time to time.  

He wondered if Dana knew.  She'd bathed him, when she'd sewn up his leg, so she probably suspected.  He was relieved that she hadn't pressed him too much.  He couldn't explain any of it to himself, except that he'd wanted to protect Sanne, and that hadn't mattered.  Nothing he had done had mattered.  

At least going to the market and mucking out the stables gave him purpose.  The days slipped by, one after the other.  Émilie's Monsieur Patatez shriveled into a spongy horror, and he carved a second one so that she would let Dana put the first one in the scrap bucket.  

He saw the lights twice more at irregular intervals over the next few weeks.  He didn't mention them to Dana again, but he was making a late-night snack one night when he heard noises in the cellar again.  He had grown hungrier as he'd recovered and as he did more around the place.  This time, Monique emerged alone.

"Looking for knights?" he asked, slathering mustard on a cold galette and putting a few slices of ham on top.  Émilie had demanded soup for dinner and he was benefiting now.

"In all the wrong places," she said.  "As usual."  She leaned against the door.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping well," he said.

"How kind of you, monsieur," she said sarcastically.  

"I'm not a fool, Monique," he said.  "I know something's going on.  The lights in the woods may not be Arthur and his knights, but something is happening."

She pressed her lips together in a thin line.

"I presume you can't tell me about it," Mulder continued, rolling up his crêpe.   "But I know you want to.  Otherwise you wouldn't keep letting me catch you."

"You see more than you let on," she said, crossing her arms.  

"Aren't we warned that loose lips sink ships?" he said.  "It sounds much better in English, to be honest."

She sighed.  "I do want to tell you.  I have a feeling that you're trustworthy.  But it's dangerous.  There are more reasons not to tell you than to let you know."

"My being an officer in Hitler's army not the least of them, I imagine," he said.  

"That's certainly part of it," she said.  "Although I have a feeling you're not a true believer."

"Not a believer at all," he said.  

"Why do you wear the uniform at all?" she asked.

"It's complicated," he said.  "I thought it would protect my family."  

"Did it?" she asked.

"No," he said, "but it was the best chance I had, in a handful of bad choices."

"I understand," she said, and he could tell by the strain around her eyes that she did.  

"I'm not trying to absolve myself," he said.  "I'm sure something I did led to all of this happening in the first place."

"All of this?" she asked, with a little ironic gesture that included the war, the chaos, the misery, all of it.  

"All of my part in it," he said.  "Maybe some of the rest."

"I wasn't aware we were harboring such an important man," she teased.  

"So important, no one minds if I disappear," he said.

"That does sound crucial," she told him.  "I'm glad no one's come for you.  You're better off with us."

"There's no doubt of that," he said.  "I know it's a risk for all of you."

"Everything is a risk," she said.  "Dana made up her mind about you and that was that."

"It would have been easier if you'd let me die," he said.

"Of course," Monique agreed.  "But as I said, Dana made up her mind.  None of us could change that even if we wanted to."

"I would help more if I could," he said.

"I'll remember that," she promised, and yawned extravagantly.  "I'm off to bed."  

"Good night," he said.

"Good night," she said.  "Another time, I'll tell you a bedtime story."

"I look forward to it," he said, and ate his snack in the empty kitchen, purposefully not looking at the cellar door.

[pastel-plague-doctor]

the art of going easy on yourself (another college update)

read on wordpress

Hi. My name is Sam, and I’m a chronic overachiever.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a single-parent home, watching my mom work her butt off to provide for our family. Maybe it’s because I had a learning disability in elementary school and my vengeful eight-year-old self decided the only way to prove I wasn’t dumb anymore was to be the smartest (or at least most educated) person in any room I walked into. Maybe it’s because I’m paying thousands of dollars a year for my college education, so I feel obligated to get as many classes out of it as possible. Maybe it’s because I’m addicted to praise and recognition. Positive feedback is like crack to me.

Whatever the reason, I have a nasty habit of assuming that if I take on more work and responsibilities, the universe will magically bless me with the time and motivation to get everything done and, more importantly, to get everything done well. Because it’s not enough just to do everything — I also have to be good at everything. This is what scientists refer to as a Leonardo Da Vinci Complex.

(It’s not, actually. I’m just really bewildered by the fact that this guy was a scientist and an inventor and a musician and an artist and a mathematician and a writer and a historian and was somehow really ridiculously skilled at all of those things. I’m pretty sure Leonardo Da Vinci was an alien.)

The problem with this mindset is that I am actually a human being. I waste a lot of time doing boring human things like sleeping and eating. I have family and friends who like to see me and talk to me sometimes. I occasionally want to do things for fun, like watch a movie or read a book that wasn’t assigned by a professor. I get stressed out and burned out and overwhelmed just like anyone else, no matter how many power naps I take or how many cups of coffee I gulp down. Human nature and perfectionism are just not very compatible.

All of this brings me to the point of this post: I just dropped a class for the first time in my life. Not even a particularly difficult class, or one that I didn’t like. In fact, it was a class I really enjoyed, with material that really interested me and a professor that I’m on pretty good terms with.

The class itself was not the problem. I love learning. There is genuinely nothing I enjoy more than learning new things. But lately, going to class and doing homework has just felt like a chore. All of the joy has gone out of it.

I dropped this class because I knew that I had to drop something. I was taking eighteen credit hours (for reference, my school considers twelve hours a full load — I was literally taking 50% more classes than a “full time” student) and I was spending 5+ hours a day on studying outside of class. I also have a part time job and personal commitments to things like clubs, church, and family. I’m not exaggerating when I say that for the last few weeks having time to take a break from studying long enough to walk to the dining hall for dinner has been a rare treat. You don’t need to be a doctor to know that working so continuously isn’t healthy, and it’s not surprising that my mental and physical health have both suffered lately.

At this point, I feel like I should say that I was an honor student in middle and high school. This semester, I hit the wall that every former honor student hits at some point in college: the realization that being an “honor student” means absolutely nothing in our new academic sphere.

I went to a public high school (well, I did before my chronic illness got bad and I pulled out to homeschool), and that school got a certain amount of extra funding from the government if they had a certain number of students in their honors program. It was in the school’s interest to have as many kids as possible in honors and AP classes, and their recruitment slogan for those programs was basically, “It’s going to look good on your college applications.”

Taking AP Calculus is going to look good on your college applications. Joining marching band is going to look good on your college applications. Getting a summer volunteer job is going to look good on your college applications. The honors program at my high school was very much designed to push students to do as much “extra” stuff as possible. Teachers understood this, so usually honors students got special treatment or special consideration. (For example, I had one English teacher who added a seven-point curve to every single test grade simply because she was teaching an “advanced” class.)

Well, it worked. I got into a good college. And when I started there, I brought my high school honor student mindset with me: do as much as you possibly can, and do all of it perfectly.

But here’s the thing — my university doesn’t get funding from the government based on student performance. My professors’ salaries are the same whether I pass their classes or not, and the only reward I get for keeping my GPA above a certain level is getting to keep my scholarships. I also have a lot of grown-up responsibilities now that I didn’t have in high school, like working and paying bills. I just don’t have time to be well-rounded anymore.

These are things that I did not think about when I was a baby freshman signing up for classes. I gave in to my mothlike compulsion to throw myself into the shiny light of academia, and I got burned big time.

The most important lesson I’ve learned in college is the exact opposite of the one I learned as a high school honor student: that it’s okay to just get by sometimes, and that knowing and respecting your own limits is important.

I’m making a resolution to be kinder to myself, to make time to rest and do the things I enjoy. I don’t want to be that person who leaves college without any special memories because all she did was work and study. Success is important, and I still plan to work hard, but I want to enjoy my studies — and have time to enjoy other things sometimes, too.

So, I dropped a class today. And after I finished all of that paperwork I came back to my dorm, took a hot bath, and settled in with a bar of chocolate and a cup of the delicious French Raspberry tea that my wonderful boyfriend (who I hopefully will actually have time to go on dates with now!) got me for Valentine’s Day. As soon as I finish posting this, I’m going to put on some soft music and read a book, and then I’m going to bed early tonight.

I’m taking some time to be nice to myself today, and if you’re reading this, you should too. Consider this your reminder not to push yourself too hard. Talk to your doctor about the dangers of Leonardo Da Vinci Complex today.

[azariaspace]

My RA Application Essays

Nobody wants to read these?  Good.  Here they are anyway.  It’s been at least two months since I first thought about this and I can’t let the idea go.  It’s been two weeks since word of my continued-resident status, and I’m still thinking about it.  I’ve accepted my fate but my life now is geared towards being one as a junior.  So I’m flinging these into the void for...  I dunno why.

Why do you want to be a Resident Assistant? (200-400 words) Calvin has grown to become home for me, and I want to give that to others.

I love authentic community.  It's something I've cherished my whole life, and I want to instill that love in others.  I define authenticity as honesty coupled with vulnerability, and genuinely believe it's the greatest gift we can give to each other as people.  Authenticity allows us to see who we truly are as people by being honest with ourselves and others, and allows us to form true, genuine relationships with each other.  In addition, people are complex.  They're funny, weird, and ridiculous, especially young adults who are learning to be independent, and nobody gets to see that transformation and that funny, weird, ridiculous reality more than an R.A.

In addition, my R.A. in particular has helped me a lot.  She's walked with me through some difficult situations and supported me through some really cool things that I've been fortunate enough to experience.  [She] is such a strong support for individual members of our floor and the community at large, and I'd love to be able to offer that support for a floor myself one day.

Finally, I want to bring a new look at inclusion to the way a lot of floors operate.  Inclusion is often pictured as simply physically bringing members together and making sure everyone shows up to a certain number of events.  But I think inclusion relates back to authentic community.  It's not enough to personally invite people to floor events instead of just sending mass emails, though the personal connection is definitely a part of it.  I think inclusion involves really knowing who each resident is and what makes them unique, embracing their similarities and differences, and celebrating them as individuals and as a community.  Inclusion is often a joyous time, and can look like having international students teach the floor how to cook dinners from their home countries or celebrating residents’ first snows, but it also can involve difficult conversations about race, gender and sexuality, and disability, among other things.  Inclusion can be hard, but it's worth it, because it's part of truly knowing and being known.  It's part of community.  It's part of living wholeheartedly, and it excites me.

Please describe 2-3 personal traits do you possess that will help you be successful as a Resident Assistant. (200-400 words) The first trait I possess that would help me be a successful R.A. is my flexibility.  I’ve always been able to adapt to changing circumstances fairly easily, but working on the set construction crew in Calvin Theatre Company this past semester really helped me hone this skill.  In the scene shop, you have to do different things each day, from cutting wood with power saws to rigging lights to designing a lighter version of a certain prop, and everything in between.  While I imagine being an R.A. would involve a lot less sawdust, no two days in Residence Life are the same.  An R.A. has to be ready for any circumstance, from an impromptu floor event to a crisis, and a good R.A. would be able to navigate the dynamic landscape of a floor, and the dorm at large, with a cool head and grace.

The second and third traits I possess that would help me be a successful R.A. are intertwined.  They're the traits of being passionate and being committed.  I believe passion and commitment are two sides of the same coin.  If I'm passionate about something, then I'm committed to seeing it through, from its conception to its fruition.  If I'm committed to something, then the passion — if it didn't exist at the beginning — will develop as I work on it.  Basically, if I want to see something happen, then I will make sure it happens or it gets to the people who will make it happen.  If I've been tasked with making something happen, then I will grow to love it as if it was my own idea while still recognizing the unique qualities that whoever thought of it brought to the table.  This passion and commitment extends to coursework, to ideas for floor events, and to finding ways to make Calvin a more welcoming place for all of its students.

What practical strategies do you implement to keep your life organized and follow through on tasks? (100-250 words) I use three tools to keep myself organized and ensure I follow through on tasks.  The first is a Google calendar, my primary method to track time commitments — like classes.  Whenever I find out about an event, I'll place here.  If it just happens once, I'll indicate that, but I can also plug in recurring events.  I also indicate time for studying and free time, so I have a full understanding of what my day looks like.  Finally, it’s color-coded, so I can easily see what I have going on at a glance.

Secondly, I use a physical calendar.  While I use the Google calendar to only see one week at a time, this calendar shows me a whole month.  On this calendar, I write down all my big assignments, such as papers, as well as things like sporting events.  This calendar helps me get an overview of what my month looks like and helps me budget my studying and free time wisely.

Finally, I have a to-do list on my phone.  There’s a section to keep track of things I need to do throughout the week, like working on a paper, and a breakdown of everything — both tasks and events — that I need to do on each day.  It’s a very specific combination of the two calendars that takes the items from both and combines them in one space.

Taken as a whole, this system helps me stay organized and on top of all my commitments.

In addition to dorm or KE [apartment] worship times and Bible studies, please explain how your personal Christian faith would be demonstrated in your work as an RA. (200-400 words) I hope that my faith is demonstrated in everything I do, even now.  I imagine many of the ways my faith would be demonstrated as an R.A. would be the same as now.  I attend chapel and LOFT [the weekly not-church service put on by Campus ministries], and invite people from my floor to come with me, go to church on Sundays and talk with my floor-mates about our different church experiences each week, pray for people when they ask and sometimes volunteer that service, and maintain my own personal relationship with God through prayer and devotions.

In addition, there are some things that I would do for my floor as an R.A.  Not all of these ideas are mine, so I’ll try to credit their authors.  The first comes from [my brother] R.A.  He noticed that, Biblically, people made great sacrifices for and highly prioritized prayer.  As such, he gets up at three in the morning and wanders up and down his hall, praying for his residents.  He sacrifices some of his sleep for his residents, and even if none of them are aware, it’s still strengthening his floor.  I want to do that.

The second idea is a collaboration between my R.A. and myself.  [My R.A.] started a Community Development Team.  After our first meeting, she told me her ideas for praying for the floor.  She mentioned [our brother R.A.’s] prayer walks, and her attempts to do the same every week but doesn’t always succeed.  I mentioned that we as a team could take turns doing it each week, and she threw out the idea that we could have one night of praying for the dorm, where we each have an hour-long shift with a partner.  If I take the idea of the Community Development Team with me (which I plan on), I’d want them to do something similar.  If I don’t, I’d still want to bring the night of prayer in some capacity.

The final idea comes from a previous [dorm] Barnabas [the spiritual leader of a floor].  It’s the idea of having a time to de-stress and plug into the Word in the basement.  The way they did it last year was by, on Saturdays, having coloring pages with Scripture passages on them and worship music, and anyone from the dorm could come and color.  I think that’s a really cool way to build community throughout the whole dorm and strengthen people’s faith in subtle ways.

In both challenging ways and fun ways, what do you believe is the role of an RA in bringing about Calvin's vision for community in the residence halls? Calvin’s mission is to equip students to think deeply, act justly, and live wholeheartedly as Christ’s agents of renewal in the world.  All staff are charged with facilitating this goal, and R.A.s are in the unique position of being both students — the people being equipped — and staff — the people equipping others.

Calvin wants its students to thrive, and it wants its students to thrive together.  An R.A.’s job is to create an environment on their floor where community can happen.

On the one hand, that involves challenges.  An R.A. has to enforce policy, because a community needs rules and boundaries in order to function.  From gently reminding residents to keep it quiet to calling out and dealing with far more serious breaches of the Calvin Student Conduct Code, an R.A. has to be capable of and willing to deal with every violation.  In addition, an R.A. must abide by all the standards — they must hold themselves to an even higher standard than their residents.

On the other hand, bringing about community is a fun task.  It involves eating with people, planning and executing events with people, having planned and spontaneous conversations about everything from music to life stories.  Community can involve going to your residents’ events, showing up when one of your residents has desk duty, and singing “Happy Birthday” to your residents as loudly and as obnoxiously as possible in the dining hall.

Community involves living life together, and life is often messy, but it’s also so much fun.  Life is like a painting — the palette sometimes looks like a wreck, but the final product is beautiful.

Do you have any reservations or concerns about being placed in a particular hall or with another particular RA candidate?   Also, list any RA candidates you are dating or have dated. I’m nonbinary.  That means that I’m not a guy or a girl.  I’m a little hesitant about being placed in a traditional residence hall, or really anywhere that is divided by the gender binary, because I have no place in that system.  I’m outside of it completely.  But I know I’ll only be a sophomore next year, so if I am chosen to be an R.A., it’s extraordinarily unlikely that I’d be chosen to be an R.A. for [upperclass housing] (and, in fact, I wouldn’t want to be an R.A. for [the apartments] if I had other options, and I would be the first to admit that it would be weird for me to be an R.A. in [upperclass-only dorms]).  I spoke to my R.D. about what it would look like to be a nonbinary R.A., and she said that it would probably be the best fit for me to be somewhere in [the living-learning communities where the wings are connected by a shared lobby space on each floor, unlike other halls], as gender is de-emphasized.  But honestly, I just really need a staff that is not only supportive in general, but actively supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and affirming of my legitimacy as a leader and a resident wherever I live.  It’s going to be a little weird no matter where I wind up, assuming I wind up an R.A.  But weird isn’t necessarily bad.  I’m excited for the opportunity to grow with my (as of now theoretical, but hopefully real) staff and my residents, just as I’ve grown with my floor this semester and will continue to do so throughout this year.  In addition, I have some health complications that might make being on [a specific living-learning floor] challenging, with the emphasis on outdoor activities.  (These would in no way impact my work as an R.A. on any floor; rather, they would impact my ability to be a participant of [that floor] under any circumstances, R.A. or resident.) I have not dated any potential R.A. candidates in the past and am not doing so now.

That’s that. That’s what they saw on the essay front.  I only edited this to take away names and locations, and to clarify what some terms meant for people who don’t go to Calvin.  The grammar is as-is, meaning that there’s something I picked up on that I should’ve changed.  But we’ll see.  We’ll see if anybody else wants to edit and has any thoughts.  Because I’ll be damned if it slips away from me again.

[bartallenisbae]

I don’t own anything except the oc’s and also reminder this is based on comic

Warning hints of sex the night before

  Bart and Mandy have been married for 3 years. Mandy and Bart finished college before they got married and after they got married she got a job and so did Bart.Mandy became a special ed teacher for the disabled at a school called Elim.Bart became a gym teacher at a public school. Bart also became the Flash for a year(He did in the comics for like 10 minutes but I wanted him to be the flash in this so yeah) because barry retired and wally had retired for his twins to take care of for another year then after he would take another name(which is when his twins will be old enough to help him and be able to stay home alone).Bart and Mandy Allen bought a house after they got married. They were still happy being married not even having a thought of separating. The house was a big white country house with a swinging bench and green grass and they lived next to central city in the country.

     It was the beginning of summer, most kids just finished school which also included that Mandy and Bart don’t have to work for the summer. It was beautiful day, The sun was out and dew was all over the green grass on Mandy and Bart Allen yard. Bart and Mandy’s room was painted sapphire blue and their floor was dark brown wood and they had a 20 inch t.v(Bart doesn't save people for nothing*wink* *wink*) and they had a gold and royal blue bed and next to their bed was a nightstand .Bart Allen woke up and got out of his and his wife’s bed, he got his underwear*wink* *wink*and flash suit to go on a mission for a month and a half and yes Mandy knows. He kissed Mandy’s head left her a note on the nightstand saying that he will be back soon and that he loves her and left around 8:00 am. Mandy woke up around 8:30 with her hair being frizzy and all over the place(Imagine Anna from frozen waking up hair but blonde).She sat up and turned and put her feet on their cold wooden floor. She got up and put on one of Bart’s shirt’s.They had two bathrooms.One was in the hall’s which was the guest bathroom which was for the guest’s and the other one was Bart and Mandy’s bathroom(The bedroom has a door on the right,that’s the bathroom)The guest bathroom was painted white, it had a bath/shower that was white and had a sink with a towel hanger that had a red towel. Bart and Mandy’s bathroom was painted red and it had a big shower and next to it was a closet full of towels,*whisper* and a few pads and it had a sink. The dining room was paintedgreen and whitish yellow and it had a black couch and a tv  .Mandy took a shower and got dressed. She wore a nice long yellow sundress with a pair of yellow flipflops and put her hair in a nice French braid. Mandy had a black BMW. Mandy went to her car and drove to iris(1) (iris one is the one who married Barry) and Barry’s house for a summer lunch she was invited.Barry and iris’s house was a medium sized house in the suburbs, it was painted white with green grass.It was 10:00 am. As soon as she entered the house she was tackled by a red and black haired streak. It was Jai and iris(2)(she was named after the first iris).She stepped back from the force of those two. Jai was wearing a orange t-shirt with short jeans and orange gym shoes and his black hair was still spiky.Iris(2)  was wearing a yellow t-shirt and a red skirt with cute small light up yellow shoes that light up to red and she had cute pigtails.They were both still hugging her talking a million miles an hour when wally came to see if the twins were choking Mandy on accident again.Wally was wearing a white v-neck shirt with short jeans with black shoes and his hair still red. Wally was able to get the twins to let go of Mandy after like 3 minutes,and said  “Oh gosh Mandy I’m sorry,you know how much these two love you”. Mandy laughed and said “You don’t need to apologizing, My mom was a home daycare for a living, and I’m a special ED teacher, so I pretty much live with kids”. Jai took Mandy’s hands and started walking her to the backyard. The backyard is a normal sized backyard with a slide,swing, and a small playhouse with a kids table next to it. Jai began to pull Mandy towards the swing’s and excitedly said “Come on Mandy, lets go play on the swing”, but Iris(2) grabbed Mandy’s hand and began to pull her to the playhouse and said “No,Mandy is going to play with me”.Before anything could get outa hand Mandy said “Hold on a minute, I’m sorry but I am going to hang out with the Adult’s today but I promise the next time I babysit you guy’s we can play all day if you want,ok” The twins smiled and said at the same time “OK” and ran off to play on the playground but jai stopped for a second and turned and kissed Mandy's hand and sped off. Mandy turned to go to the Dinner room which was next to the kitchen.The dinner room was a normal sized dinner room that was painted green and had a family table with 6 chairs and next to the table was a kids table with 2 chairs. Barry,Iris(I ),Wally,and Linda were all sitting in dinner room.Barry was wearing a blue shirt and short pants,Iris(1) was was wearing pink shirt and a long skirt,and linda was wearing a purple shirt and a long black skirt and Meloni was in a blue shirt and short jeans. Mandy smiled and sat beside iris(1) and Linda. Wally started the conversation by saying “so Barry when will the pizza get here” Barry laughed a little and said “well, we ordered 8 pizza’s so it’s going to be a while.  About two hours later the pizza finally came as everyone was eating. The twins were eating at the kids table and the adults at the adult table. The twins were putting two pizzas together to make a pizza sandwich, Mandy turned and saw the pizza sandwich and laughed. Meloni saw this and a thought went to her mind, Meloni asked “ so Mandy, are you and Bart thinking about having kids anytime soon”. Everyone froze except the twins who were still eating. Mandy looked shocked and after a few seconds wipe everyone looked at her wanting to hear what she had to say. “ I...I mean in the future maybe but not for a while. I mean Bart is now the flash so now wouldn't be a good time especially since Owen mercer(Bart's bro)and inertia both still both believe they are in love with me, and president thawne(Bart's grandpa)trying to turn everyone against heroes so he can kill Bart, so yeah that makes it not a good time to start a family” Mandy said with anxiety and nervousness. After a few hours there Mandy went home she changed into her pajamas which was a lacy black thin strapped tank top and short light pink Shorts with black hearts on them and her blonde hair was in a ponytail. She couldn't stop thinking about what meloni had asked. Mandy was in Bart and her’s bathroom brushing her teeth when she looked back in the mirror and “  No, everything is going to be fine, I'm pretty sure Bart wore protection last night.

         A month had past and there was something different about Mandy. She didn't notice but others have. She was having headaches a lot more and she kept getting nauseous and once and awhile she vomited and she was eating a bit more then usual . She said it was most likely nothing and didn't think anything of it. Mandy woke up at around 7:30 and ran to the Bathroom and vomited in the toilet for like 5 minutes. “ what is up with me, this is the fourth time this week I've had puked in the morning”. Mandy went to the kitchen to go have breakfast. The kitchen was a average Size and had black cabinets and grey painted walls, with a black table that had 6 black chairs. After she ate she looked at the calendar to check off another of no Bart *sigh* She missed him so badly. But she noticed something, wait that can't be I should have had my time of the month. Wait headaches,nausea,morning sickness,eating a lot, and no time of the month. This isn't good, ok wait it could be a false alarm,yeah that's it I'll just take the test and it will be negative and I will laugh about this later yeah. Mandy left and went to the pharmacy and got two tests and when she was paying for them the cashier gave her a smile and said good luck. When Mandy left the pharmacy she felt like she was being watched, it was probably nothing. After Mandy took the tests she had to wait for 20 minutes because each were 10 minutes. It was the longest 20 minutes of her life. When the timer she had set went off she almost felt like she couldn't breathe. She slowly walked towards the tests that were a napkin on the kitchen table and saw that both were…. positive. She...she was pregnant, oh gosh Bart must have forgot protection the night before he left, they were both lost in the moment they just completely forgot. Oh gosh how is she going to tell Bart and what if the baby

    A few weeks had past and Bart was coming back tonight. She had been super nervous the whole time. She had moments that she almost spilled the beans a few time but thankfully still no one except her knows but she still kinda feels like someone is watching her. It was 7: 00 at night so bart would be home any time and everything is set up. I was in a little bit big for me country shirt and short shorts with a lazy french braid. She turned around to get something when she was hugged from behind. “ Bart, oh I've missed you”  Mandy said with excitement as she turned and hugged Bart. Bart smiled and hugged back and said “ I missed you too babe, anything exciting happen”. Mandy smiled to herself in her mind but actually just shrugged and said in a boring tone “ nope, it was pretty boring”. Bart just smiled and said “ hey what can I say it was probably boring because I wasn't here” mandy smirked and hit his arm playfully. “ come on I order Pizza”.  Mandy dragged Bart to the kitchen, Bart of course chowed down but as he was eating he slowed down to watch Mandy as she was closing down almost as much as him, Mandy noticed him staring so she slowed down and acted normal, Bart looked weirded out and asked “ babe are you ok” she smiled and said “yeah” She noticed he was still in his suit, perfect. “ hey babe why don't you go change, there is a present in our room that I got you” she said with a smile. Bart looked suspiciously at Mandy and went to their room with Mandy following him And found a shoebox on their bed. He lifted the opening to find… a small baby onesie that was red and had a flash symbol on it with a cardboard sign on it saying “ congrats Flash you're soon going to be daddy flash” Bart stood there for a minute. Mandy hugged him from behind and and said “ I know this is a bad time to have a baby but… surprise” Bart turned to look at her, and he smiled grabbed Mandy and twirled her in the air. Mandy giggled and said “ Bart stop,you might hurt the baby”. Bart set her down with the biggest smile she had ever seen and went to his knees to her stomach which had a little bump “ how many far are you” Mandy giggled “ About 7 weeks” she said. Bart laughed still looking at the mother of his child stomach “ you are kinda big for 7 weeks aren't you” Mandy started to cry do to mood swings and she fell to her knees crying “ How could you say that Bart, I'm at a normal weight for 7 weeks, if you don't want a fat wife I'll leave” she started to walk away “ babe I'm sorry I didn't mean that I was Kidding, you look great for 7 weeks” Bart screamed trying to stop his hormonal wife. Mandy stopped and sniffed from the crying “ Really” Bart smiled “ Of course babe, your glowing”. Mandy smiled and hugged him “ Don't ever call me fat again,now how are we going to tell our families”.

           It has been a few weeks and they have told Mandy's family and of course they were excited but now Mandy and Bart have to tell his family. Everyone was there. Barry,Iris(1),Wally,Linda,Jay Garrick,Joan Garrick, Max mercury,meloni,jai and iris(2). Everyone was outside in Mandy and Bart's backyard. Their background with green grass, they had a grill and a deck with a table and lots of chairs with a umbrella under it. After dinner,The twins were running around playing tag,the adults were sitting under the umbrella. Mandy was wearing a red sundress so no one could see the bump,it was hardly noticeable but just in case. “ So how are the twins doing in school ” Mandy asked while eating chocolate cake practically devouring it since she was craving chocolate more than ever. “ well iris(2) is doing good but when I was signing jai up he asked me to add that your his future wife” linda said with a laugh,Mandy laughed at jai’s crush on her and said “I can't believe he is in 1st grade, it feels like yesterday when he first saw me and took all your flowers from the garden and give them to me” Linda laughed “ yeah I kinda find it scary that he still has a crush on you” Bart went behind Mandy and whispered to her that it was ready and she smiled and nodded and Bart screamed “ Hey max come here” Max looked confused but walked up with everyone watching to see what was happening“ hey Bart something up” Bart smiled and said “ yeah max I need you to wear this” Bart gave him a hat but not showing what was on the front like a parent hiding a present from their child. Max looked a little curious, he took it from Bart like he was trading something with Bart and he was trading back at the same. Max turned the hat and had the most shocked look Mandy had ever seen. The hat was white and on the front was stitched “Future Grandpa, well technically” max then smiled and put it on and gave Bart the biggest hug he could give, and Bart couldn't breathe. He let go of Bart and sped to Mandy and hugged her lightly not wanting to hurt the baby. Max let go and turned to everyone showing them the hat. The girls screamed and hugged Mandy just like if they were teenage girls seeing a rockstar and the boys smiled and patted Bart on the back but jai and iris(2) had no idea what was going on. Mandy went to both of them and bent down to their height while Bart was still being pat on the back. “ what's wrong you two” the twins looked at Mandy with a confused face “ I don't understand why is everyone freaking out” jai said with a confused voice “ well me and Bart are going to have a baby” Mandy said with excitement but jai just looked at Bart with a furious face and sped to Bart and jumped on his back and Bart screamed a little do to not knowing why a child was on his back and Jai started screaming while trying to “hurt” Bart  “ you got my future wife pregnant, I may not know how to have a baby but all I know is that I don't want step kids”. Most of the adults started laughing their heads off, Wally then trying to get Jai off Bart's back. Meloni went behind Mandy and said in a sarcastic “ So not having kids for a while right” Mandy just smiled and laughed.

          5 months pregnant and Mandy was a bit noticeable. Bart and her were setting up for a gender reveal party.mandy was wearing a blue and pink long dress with the top having frizzles on it. Bart was wearing a shirt that was blue and pink and on the blue side it said “dad that teaches maybe son how to defend” and the pink side said “dad that punches maybe daughters future boyfriends” and wore long jeans. They were finding out the gender by the cake that was on the counter in the kitchen. The kitchen had a lot of decorations. There were pink and blue plates, lots of pink and blue balloons,and on the table was pink and blue Hershey kisses,and there was a sign that said “gamer or designer”. Bart turned to see Mandy looking at the cake that was pink and blue and it said “we are here for the sex” and yes obviously Bart made that line up. Bart went and hugged Mandy from behind with his hands on Mandy's 5 month stomach bump.” I can't believe you convinced me to have the l cake to say that” she said turning her head with a smirk looking into his green eyes and him looking into her’s. “ hey what can I say I'm convinced” Bart smiling and giving her a wink. A few hours later everyone was there. Their friends and family. Everyone was eating dinner which was pizza since Mandy has been in love with pizza a lot more.Jenni(Bart's actual cousin)was talking and laughing with Bart, Mandy was talking to max laughing at something he said as well, pretty much everyone was having a good time well except Jai,he just stared at Bart still mad that he is going to have a step son or daughter when he marries Mandy as that usually on his mind. “Jenni I'm 24 I'm not that old” Bart said laughing at jenni teasing him for being older than her by a bit(I don't really know if he is I'm just guessing) Bart then saw that everyone had finished eating so he got up and said “ well Mandy should we find out what the sex is” he said with a happy yet nervous smile. Mandy took a breath and smiled and nodded. Everyone got their phones out and started videotaping the happy couple and their future bundle of joy. They both got up to the counter and picked up the knife and both looked at each other and smiled as they cut the right side cake to find…...blue they are going to have a boy. Mandy gasped and Bart was in shock, Mandy turned and hugged Bart and then went back to get a piece they both got a piece when max noticed something “ Bart cut me that piece please” he said with curiosity. Bart looked a little weirded out but did what max said. Mandy also went to watch. Oh gosh it was also pink everyone froze.”Bart…are we having twins” Mandy said breaking the silence with a straight face “yep” Bart said. The girls in the room started screaming and the boys went to pat Bart's back. Oh this was going to be fun.

     Mandy was six months and with Bart sitting together with their hands on her big stomach that looked almost 7 months thanks to the newest upcoming Allen twins in the family. To be honest they didn't even guess twins before, they should have since Bart's dad and aunt dawn were twins.  They were looking at the newest nursery. It was were the guest room used to be. It was painted blue on the left side and pink on the right and on the left side was a blue baby crib and on the left was a pink baby crib,on the wall on top of the cribs was a sign that said with irony “expect the unexpected” and there was a wooden rocking chair. “What about Caitlin and Cisco”( haha if you watch the flash you would get it) “ nope” Mandy said with confidence that those were not going to be their children's names. “Uhh maybe tinkerbell and Peter” Mandy suggested since that was her favorite childhood characters growing up “ nope” Bart loved Mandy but that their children were not going to be named on a disney movie. “It will come when they are born hopefully” Mandy said with a smile  “ Yeah your right ”Just as Bart said that they. They both felt two things kick their hands. “ Bart oh my gosh they just kicked” Mandy said with excitement Bart looked amazed and bent down to his wife stomach and kissed it and said “ you two live in a crazy family,you two are related to Barry Allen and eobard thawne which causes a lot of conflict but I promise that I will do my best to keep you two safe”

    Bart finally had everything handled. He would only be the flash if it was an emergency that affected the planet until their children were ready to run alongside him well if they had powers which they most likely do. Wally was going to be another super speedster filling in for Bart's small savings like bank robberies. Wally was going to be blink yes Bart told him that name sucked but Wally didn't care and said “ it makes sense I'm faster then you can blink”.  His amazing wife was 8 months pregnant and everything was going great. Bart got a text from Mandy saying that she wanted applesauce and bananas yes she mixed them together but Bart didn't question since Mandy almost threw him through the wall last time he did. He got that text after work so he got them after work and went home. “Mandy babe I got your apple sauces and bananas” he shouted as he entered the door. But when he entered, no one answered. He went inside all the way in the house to find it trashed. The pictures were shattered and on the ground,the chairs in the kitchen were all mostly broken beside the other two chairs that weren't. The nursery was crooked and had all the future babies picture frames were broken as well. He looked all around the house but He couldn't find Mandy but He did find Mandy's phone broken and a note in the nursery on the floor saying “ I'm back, hope you enjoyed your time with Mandy because you're never going to see her again because she's Mine, signed the newest reverse flash”. He is going to pay. He got his flash suit on and speed to batman for help since he is the best detective.

Mandy was wearing a red t-shirt that said feeding for three and long jeans and she had her blonde hair in a ponytail.Mandy was cleaning the nursery a bit more when she felt like she was being watched again, ok that's it I'm telling bart she told herself in her mind. She saw a red streak outside her window that she new wasn't Bart somehow. Mandy went to call Bart but before she get to contacts inertia or now known as reverse flash took her phone and crushed it.He was wearing the reverse flash suit but took the mask face off so Mandy could see him. Mandy turned to run but he picked her up bridal style with anger in his eye. “Let go,I told you I don't love you” he growled and sped to somewhere else. He took her to his new lair. It had a huge computer and a few cages and it was cave.He put her in one of the cages and smiled a crazy smile “you look beautiful,even though those are Bart's children I will help you raise them as if they are my own.” She couldn't believe him,he kidnapped her AGAIN and expected her just to smile and act as his perfect wife “ your sick Thad(that's his name), these are Bart's and my children and Bart and me are going to raise them”. Thad growled and had his arm in the air but realized what he was doing and put his arm down and took a deep breath and began to walk back and forth. After a minute he stopped and turned to Mandy “ look I don't want to hurt you because I love you but if you keep being a bad girl then you will have to get a punishment so if I were you I would be a good girl ok” wow she didn't the think he would become anymore more yandere but she was wrong. About an hour later Mandy was becoming scared. Where was Bart, he should have been here by now. Thad was on his computer and after a few minutes on it he turned and walked to Mandy. He smiled and entered the cage with Mandy in it and went to touch Mandy's huge stomach but she turned away from him. He growled and grabbed Mandy's wrist and turned her to face him and forcefully kissed her and while he was kissing her he put his hand on her stomach even with her trying to push him away. There was alert sign on his computer,he let go of the kids and vibrated through the cage to see what was up. Just when he did another red streak came and crashed into thad and punched him. It was the flash or as Mandy knew him as Bart. Thad growled and the fight began. Flash ran outside so reverse flash was distracted. While they were both distracted max got Mandy out of the cage. “Are you ok Mandy” blink said while making sure she was ok “yeah he thankfully didn't want to hurt me or the A twins”(they are calling them the A twins which stands for Allen twins) max nodded and picked me up and brought me to me and Bart's house. Max went to go see him if Bart needed help. Bart and Thad were racing while punching each other.  Bart and Thad were in Paris then Spain then back to Thad’s lair again. “Mandy is mine,and I will get your twins, I think they will be great sidekicks” Thad said mocking Bart while trying to get him to stop focusing on running so Bart would slow down, Bart punched Thad and that caused Thad to hit his head and Bart grabbed thad's neck and brought him to meta jail(sorry I'm not good at fight scenes)  “Mandy will never be yours and you will never touch Mandy and my children and don't even try to touch or see my Family ever again ”. Bart said with anger max came just in time to see this “well I guess I'm too late” max said . Mandy was walking back and forth with worry in her eyes for her husband. Bart came back with bruises and cuts and his suit having tares in it and him limping a bit. “Bart oh gosh sit down I'll go get the kit” Mandy said while going to get the kit. Bart took his shirt off for Mandy to get all the cuts and went to sit down on their couch. Mandy came back to help Bart, she was putting a bandage over Bart's arm which had a big cut and was bleeding a bit “Are you and the A twins ok” Bart said making sure they were ok “yes we are all ok, what happened to max” Bart sighed with relief knowing his family was ok “he went back home to see if his daughter was ok” Mandy nodded as she finished healing bart as much as she could. Bart got up and hugged Mandy while trying not to squeeze the twins while hugging his pregnant wife.

  Mandy was 9 months and could be heading to the hospital any time Mandy was wearing  . Bart and Mandy were at Wally and Linda's house. Jai and iris(2) were playing outside while the adults were inside just talking.  “.So are they going to age faster like Bart did” Linda asked with worry since she knows the scare of raising speedster’s  “actually batman and Barry found a way for them to age like normal children, it's a miracle I was so worried about that but they actually found a way,all I had to do was take a pill and boom they age normally” Mandy said with happiness over her children aging normally. Linda smiled as she looked down to see her daughter iris(2) hugging her legs. Jai was stealing his mom's wedding ring while his sister was distracting their mom. Jai then went to Mandy and went on one knee“ Mandy I don't care that I'll have to have step twins will you marry me”  Mandy laughed while Bart looked jealously at Jai “ Jai I'm sorry but I'm happily married and Linda I think your son stole your ring again” Mandy said with a nervous smile and laugh over the awkwardness. Linda swatted jai over the head “ Jai this is the fourth time you have stolen my ring and proposed” Linda gave him a overused angry mom face at him. Bart laughed at Wally “hey Wally he doesn't stop on the girls he is interested in” Wally smacked Bart over his head, Bart then smiled and went to his pregnant wife and put his arm around her and her relaxing her head on his chest. “Who wants chocolate cake’s” Linda said since they did finish dinner and dessert sounded good “oh I would love some” Mandy said with excitement but… Mandy screamed and fell to her knees in pain holding her stomach and a puddle of water under her“Mandy what's wrong did your water break, oh gosh I'm not ready” Bart screamed going to his wife's level of height. “Obviously Bart if you didn't see the puddle and it doesn't matter if you're ready because apparently the twins don't care and they are ready and I swear if you don't bring me to the hospital I will make sure you don't eat candy ever again ”. Linda picked up iris(2) and Wally picked up Jai so Bart would have a clearer way to get Mandy to the hospital and so Jai wouldn't try to follow them. Bart picked Mandy up bridal style and brought her to the hospital.

           It's been 10 hours and  Everyone knew she in labor but they just had to wait because they are pretty sure that Mandy only wants her husband and the doctors and nurses. Poor Bart was being screamed at by Mandy while getting his hand crushed “Bart you will not be sleeping on the bed for,I can't believe you did this to me” Mandy screamed in pain while going through childbirth “ok Mrs.Allen we need you push one more time alright” The doctor said with his hands ready for the baby to come,You could hear the first baby crying already since his head was out first. Mandy pushed and screamed just wanting this to be over so she could hold her two children, The first one was out. “ It”s a boy,  now let’s get the second one out ” The doctor said while handing a nurse nearby the baby boy. 2 minutes later. “AHHHHHHHHHH” Mandy screamed and pushed one last time “It’s a girl,congratulation Mr and Mrs Allen on your beautiful twins” The doctor said while nurse was cleaning the girl and the boy. The babies were both clean and screaming making Mandy’s heart break from wanting them to stop and cuddle them just as much as bart did. “Do you want to hold them both since well you gave birth to them ”  The nurse asked Mandy looking at the newest Allen twins and was unable to speak so she nodded, the nurse smiled and nodded and gave them to her. The two stopped crying as they finally were in their mother’s arms as they drifted off to sleep,Mandy couldn't believe that these two amazing babies were made by her and bart,while she was holding and staring at the little road runner’s to be she finally picked the perfect names for them “Bart I’ve got the perfect names what about Leonard Max Allen and Lydia Meloni Allen”.They both have met leonard snart and they couldn’t say he wasn’t a genius because he has gotten through a lot and was a good man deep down in his heart and He has actually saved Mandy a few times but he blaming it on the fact saying she was good looking but really they knew it was because he didn’t really want people to do as much as he led on and Lydia was Mandy’s great grandmother,Mandy was originally going to be named Lydia but they chose mandy as soon as they saw her,Her great grandma always said what she believed and didn’t care what other’s thought and she was very strong willed,one time she had a murderer in her house that ordered her to make him lunch so obviously she did with no fear in her eye’s while she was making the man lunch she had a big knife hidden next to her where only she could see and get. Bart nodded and had the biggest smile “I love them and the names are perfect” Bart said just staring at the newest additions.“would you like to hold them” Mandy said while handing them to him. Bart held both of them and just smiled and stared. “You did Amazing babe” Bart said looking at his sweaty tired out wife.

[thejovianmute]

A Different Way Home, Ch 2

Author: TheJovianMute

Rating: Explicit 

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist (any, since it's AU)

Pairing: Ed Elric/Roy Mustang

Tags: Alternate Universe, Modern Setting, Prostitution, Hooker Roy, Student Ed, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Rape, Violence, PTSD, Disabilities, Vision-Impaired Roy, Eventual Happy Ending

Summary:  Roy's standing on a freezing street corner, his body for sale and his pride long-since gone, when the boy in the red coat approaches him.  

Notes:  So the first few chapters of this are going to be pure fluff and smut. Basically, I wanted to develop the relationship a little before everything goes to hell. So if anyone's just interested in the happy porny stuff, read on and I'll warn you when things are about to get dark so you can bail.

I had intended to include both Roy and Ed's POV in this chapter and get through the entire evening, but I hit 10k words and still wasn't done and realised I really needed to split it in half. On the upside, that means I already have 3k of the next chapter done!

Still pretty terrified about posting, but people were so lovely with feedback on ch 1, it was incredibly encouraging! Thankyou to everyone who reads, kudos or comments, you're all wonderful!

Ch 2:  In which Roy is fed, Ed is kissed, labels are contemplated, and there are orgasms all round. 

Read on AO3, or read under the cut:

Ed leads Roy to a large apartment block made of grey stone. They take the lift up to the fourth floor and head down a corridor to the door at the end. Unlike Roy's apartment block, this one is relatively tidy and clean, even if the peeling and faded paint gives away its age.

Ed fumbles his keys before managing to get the right one in the lock, and Roy notices that he has a little plastic suit of armour on his keyring. The silver paint is chipped and scratched, marking it as a long-time favourite. Roy wonders if Ed fancies himself something of a knight in shining armour.

Once Ed's managed to unlock the door, he holds it open and gestures for Roy to go through. "So this is my place," he says, somewhat unnecessarily.

Roy enters with a touch of caution. He's not expecting Ed to try and pull anything unexpected or untoward, but old habits die hard.

Directly inside there's a little entrance hall, with a bookcase crammed with books on one side and a shoe rack on the other, above which are a row of pegs. As Ed divests himself of his long red coat Roy follows suit, taking off his jacket and hooking it onto one of the unoccupied pegs. Ed proceeds to lean against the wall to unlace his boots and tug them off, so Roy assumes this is household protocol and removes his shoes as well. He places them in a spare space at the end of the rack, noting as he does that there are two distinctly different sizes of shoes present. The smaller size likely belongs to Ed - a supposition borne out as Ed dumps his boots haphazardly beside the smaller set of sneakers - but there's no explanation for the latter.

"You have a housemate?" Roy asks casually, gesturing towards the larger sets of shoes. It's not likely to indicate anything sinister, but if Roy needs to keep an ear out for a boyfriend returning home early, that will definitely change the tone of the evening.

But Ed doesn't look in the least abashed, nodding and visibly brightening. "My brother, Al. He's a year younger than me, but he's fucking brilliant." There's unvarnished pride and affection in Ed's tone; it's obvious the brothers are close.

"He's not here tonight," Ed adds. "He's staying with his girlfriend." His nose wrinkles, and Roy wonders if it reflects Ed's opinion of said girlfriend, the idea of a girlfriend in general, or the idea of his brother being sexually intimate with anyone.

Ed heads through the archway and into what Roy presumes is the main room of the apartment. Roy follows, looking around curiously. It's a reasonably-sized lounge, with a kitchen directly attached to the right. In the lounge area two couches are arranged with a television opposite, and a dining table is strewn with textbooks, notebooks, paper and pens.

Ed dumps his satchel in the corner by the dining table, pulls off his gloves and tosses them on top, and then turns back to Roy.

"Payment up front, right?"

Roy nods, surprised - he often has to prompt tricks to remember that part, especially first-timers who don't know the drill yet.

"Be right back! Feel free to make yourself comfortable, or whatever."

Ed disappears down the hallway, and Roy uses the opportunity to look around. The apartment has a lived-in feel, with evidence of the occupants' personality in everything from the carefully-repaired furniture to the assortment of geeky nick-nacks arranged along the windowsill. There's no coherent colour scheme, but the mismatched curtains, cushions and throw rugs - which should in theory clash rather horribly - simply make the place look bright and homely.

Best of all, Ed must have flipped on the heating as they entered, and warm air is already circulating, slowly defrosting Roy's numb extremities.

Roy finds himself drawn to the table and it's haphazard spread of books and papers. The notes are written in two different hands - one neat but cramped, the other a chicken-scratch scrawl - neither of which his vision can make out. But the titles of the textbooks are printed in bold, clear capitals, and he aches at their familiarity: "Fundamentals of Materials Science", "Introduction to Electrodynamics", "Malchion's Inorganic Chemistry", "Classical Mechanics". The texts range across the sciences, from biology to chemistry to physics and several crossover areas in between.

One of the textbooks is open, and he lifts the front half of the pages so he can read the cover. The design on the rust-coloured background is immediately familiar, and he doesn't even need to read the title to know what it is: "A History of Chemical Discovery". He runs a finger over the bonds of the molecule on the cover, an odd sense of nostalgia stealing over him.

In his peripheral vision he sees Ed return and approach the table to stand beside him.

"Rifamycin," Ed comments, looking at the cover Roy is still staring at, lost in memory.

"Rifampicin," Roy corrects absently, and then freezes as he realises what he's just revealed.

Ed's eyes widen and he looks down at the cover and then back up at Roy.

"You've studied chemistry?" Ed asks, surprise and confusion in his tone.

"A long time ago, yes," Roy says stiffly. He carefully re-opens the book to where he'd marked the place with a finger, waiting for the inevitable question: so how the fuck did you go from studying chemistry to whoring yourself on a street corner?

But Ed surprises him yet again. "That's so cool!" Ed says, his delight seemingly genuine. "What was your favourite? Organic or inorganic?"

"Inorganic," Roy replies automatically. The sudden, vivid image of flames blazing against a starlit desert sky reminds him of the uses his chemical knowledge was put to, and he shuts the memory down hard, his hands clenched into shaking fists.

"Mine too!" Ed enthuses, oblivious to Roy's distress. "Al's totally into organic, he's probably going to go into medical research or biomedical engineering or something fancy like that. He really likes people, wants to do something where he can work with them, not just be stuck in a lab all the time. I'm still undecided. I mean, materials engineering would be fascinating, but I'm not sure what I'd do with it, y'know? Astronomy is kinda tempting, too, but it's not all that practical. Al says it's more important to do what you love than what's useful, but there's a lot to be said for not worrying about where your next meal is coming from."

Speaking of income seems to remind him of his errand, and he holds out his hand, in which is a folded bundle of notes. "Sixty thousand," he says, sounding oddly cheerful about the amount.

Roy's not even going to ask. He takes the money and slips it into his pocket. Normally he'd count it first, especially if it was from a trick he didn't know or didn't trust, but he wants to trust Ed. More than that, he wants Ed to be trustworthy. His self-preservation instincts mutter their discontent, but he forces himself to ignore them.

"And speaking of food, I'm starving," Ed says, with enough fervour to imply that he hasn't eaten in a week. "I'm gonna cook. Stir fry all right with you? It's not real Xingese style, as Al's girlfriend likes to point out repeatedly, but it's pretty damn tasty all the same."

Ed looks at him expectantly, waiting for an answer while Roy stares back at him blankly; he's never in his life had a trick offer to cook for him before. He was relatively sure he knew how the evening was going to go once they got here, but Ed's just veered completely off-script and Roy feels like he's been caught flat-footed.

Ed, however, misinterprets his hesitation. "If stir fry isn't your thing, I make a mean quiche. I'm pretty sure we have enough eggs, lemme look…" he trails off as he opens the fridge and begins to rummage through the contents.

"I have no objections to stir fry," Roy says, managing to finally find his voice. "But you don't have to feed me."

"When was the last time you ate?" Ed asks, peering around the open door of the refrigerator.

Roy pauses, trying to remember. He's only been awake since the early afternoon, but he has no idea whether or not he ate when he got up today. He often forgets to eat if he's not hungry, and he hasn't felt particularly hungry lately. He hasn't really felt much at all.

"If you have to think about it, it was too long ago, and it's time to eat again," Ed declares.

"All right," Roy says, his shock slowly fading into amusement. Ed's the one paying for his time, so if Ed wants to spend it cooking for them both, Roy's not going to argue.

Ed starts rattling around the kitchen, pulling out pans and knives and ingredients and setting everything on the bench.

"Can I do anything to help?" Roy asks.

Ed waves him away without even looking. "I've got it under control. And besides, you're a guest! I'm not gonna put you to work."

Roy finds this both amusing and perplexing; few people would consider a hooker they've hired to be anything resembling a 'guest'. The dismissal does give him a convenient opportunity to watch Ed as he works, however, so Roy takes advantage of it. Although Ed prefers his left hand, he seems quite willing and able to use the right when he needs to, and its dexterity is impressive. He also crouches down to reach things stored on the lowest shelves, without even a hand on the bench for balance.

The functionality of the prosthetics is extremely impressive, and he finds himself curious about exactly how they work. Not a conversation he's going to initiate, of course - regardless of how sensitive Ed is to the topic, Roy's here do a job, and he doubts talking about missing limbs is going to get Ed in the right kind of mood. He wonders idly what will get Ed in the mood, and spends the next half an hour alternating between watching Ed and thinking about what sort of tricks he can use to get Ed writhing and begging for more.

By the time Ed serves the stir fry into bowls and clears room for them at the table, the house smells of the savoury sauce Ed fried the meat in, and Roy has to admit it smells pretty tempting.

"Would you like a drink?" Ed asks.

Roy would kill for something alcoholic, preferably neat, but he knows that drinking on the job usually leads to making bad decisions, and he really doesn't need any help in that department.

"I'll have whatever you're having," Roy says instead. He's expecting some kind of soda, but Ed surprises him yet again.

"Juice for me," Ed says, heading back to the fridge. "But there's milk if you'd rather." The shudder in Ed's voice suggests that drinking ditch water would be preferable.

The set-up is too perfect for Roy to resist. Any other trick and Roy wouldn't bother trying to engage, but he can sense the tentative beginnings of a rapport between them, and Ed's earnestness makes him too tempting a target.

"What's wrong with milk?" Roy asks. "It's good for growing bones." He pauses for effect, and then adds: "Although it rather looks as if yours have given up on the attempt."

"Hey! No!" Ed exclaims, incensed, "I'm still growing!"

Roy smirks, having hit the target dead-on. "Perhaps if you drank more milk they'd put more effort into it."

Ed splutters indignantly, cheeks reddening, obviously working himself up into some kind of rant in response.

"Juice is fine," Roy says before Ed can let it loose, unable to suppress a grin.

Ed gives him a darkly suspicious look before pouring them both a glass and delivering them to the table, finally collapsing into a chair in an untidy sprawl. Roy takes the seat opposite, so he can watch Ed as they eat, as well as his vision allows.

Fortunately, when faced with food Ed's ire quickly vanishes, and he dives into his bowl. Roy follows suit more sedately.

As it turns out, Ed's assessment of his own cooking isn't actually hyperbole: the stir fry is quite tasty, and after the first couple of mouthfuls, Roy's body begins reminding him of exactly how hungry he is. He makes an appreciative sound as he swallows, and Ed grins at him, obviously delighted.

"See! It's good. Mei's just a food snob," Ed declares.

"Mei is Al's girlfriend?" Roy asks.

"Yeah," Ed says, in between mouthfuls. "She's all right, I guess. Not really sure what he sees in her. She seems to adore him, at least - but who wouldn't, he's Al. He's like, a kitten in human form or something."

Roy is amused by the description, especially considering the size of Al's shoes compared with Ed's - Roy is guessing that he's significantly taller.

"Mei is from Xing?" Roy asks.

Ed nods. "Came here to study, Al met her in one of his classes. What about you? I mean, where are you from?"

"I'm from Central," Roy answers, tone a little flat. He dislikes the the way too many people ask him the question, as if his exotic looks make a lie of his assertion that he's Amestrian, despite having been born here. He's never even been to Xing, doesn't speak the language or know anything of their culture. He never knew his mother long enough to learn.

To his relief, Ed doesn't seem to see any need to question his nationality. "I figured as much," Ed says, "from the fancy accent. Al and I are country bumpkins, we're from out East. Risembool, if you've ever heard of it."

Roy is amused to hear his accent described as 'fancy', especially considering his background, but if there's one thing Madame Christmas taught him it was how to socialise with the elite as if he'd been born one of them. Her informal elocution lessons over tea (for him) and gin (for her) were a regular part of his week, his accent being gradually 'corrected'. By the time he reached the Academy, he only had to introduce himself and the well-bred young men there simply assumed that he was one of them.

So he supposes that to a country kid he would sound rather formal. It's a strange juxtaposition, considering their current roles; Ed the one with money and a bright future ahead of him, while Roy has lost everything and returned to the gutters he was born in. He shuts down that line of thinking, knowing it can lead nowhere good.

"I know of Risembool," he answers. "I spent some time in the East."

"Neat," Ed says. "It's a nice place, but there isn't all that much to do there. Me and Al both knew we wanted to study science when we finished school. We researched every university in the country, but we heard that Central University had the best science department in Amestris, so we moved here."

"That's what I've heard, too," Roy agrees.

"Where did you study?"

Roy freezes, and then forces himself to swallow the mouthful he was chewing. Admitting the truth would reveal far more information about him than he had any intention of admitting to a trick he's just met. He knows he could easily lie, come up with something convincing that Ed would have no reason to question. But he finds that he doesn't want to. Ed's been nothing but honest with him so far, and he feels like it would change something between them if he broke that tentative trust, whether Ed was aware of it or not.

"CAA," Roy says finally, knowing that even someone as provincial as Ed will have heard of it. Central Army Academy is well-known throughout Amestris as the only choice for officers who aspire to the upper echelons of the military hierarchy.

Ed's eyebrows fly up. "You're military?"

"Not any more, obviously," Roy retorts, with more bite in his tone than he had intended.

Ed stares at him, wide-eyed, obviously aware that he's just stepped on a verbal landmine and not quite sure what to do about it.

Roy takes pity on him, smoothing things over with the skill he's cultivated since childhood. "I'm sure the Academy did things rather differently than the University, of course. Tell me about your studies, and how you've been finding it so far."

The relief on Ed's face is obvious and Roy wonders what his life has been like, that he's never had to learn to school his expression the way Roy did to survive.

Once prompted, Ed is more than happy to ramble on about his studies and his experiences at the University to date, and the brief tension which had flared between them quickly dissipates. Ed is an engaging speaker, his enthusiasm contagious, and Roy listens with genuine interest. It helps that he has the background to understand the things Ed's learning, and is able to ask relevant questions that get Ed shooting off on fascinating tangents.

"What drew you to study science?" Roy asks eventually. "And what about Al - did he choose to follow in your footsteps, or just happen to be interested in the same areas?"

"Al got into science because he wanted to use it to help people. Me, I thought it'd be kind of like a superpower: if I could understand the fundamental building blocks of the world and how they worked, I figured I could learn to make them do anything I wanted!" Ed snorts - Roy assumes at his childhood naivety. "It didn't work out like that, of course. Understanding matter and energy doesn't give you some kind of magical control; it's not like waving a wand or having a superpower."

Ed is silent and contemplative for a few moments, getting the look Roy is beginning to recognise as the one that means he's about to go veering off on a tangent. When he speaks again, Roy isn't disappointed.

"I mean, as far as superpowers go, matter transformation would be pretty damn cool. But if you're going for flashy it's hard to go past super-strength, and there are definitely a few assholes that I wouldn't mind punching through walls. But if we're talking about utility - and matter control was off the table - you'd have to go for something like telekinesis or intangibility, maybe teleportation. Something that you could use in all kinds of ways - to rescue people, steal stuff, whatever you wanted." Ed pauses, giving a grateful Roy a moment to catch up; following Ed's mental meanderings feels rather like being aboard a bus taking lefts and rights suddenly and at random, with no actual destination in mind.

"What about you?" Ed asks. "What would you pick?"

Roy considers the question.

If you had have asked him when he was Ed's age, Roy probably would have said pyrokinesis. He's always had a fascination with fire, the way the tongues of flame flicker and dance, beautiful and almost supernaturally alive as they consume all they touch. But now, having seen the horrors he's seen and knowing how he'd be forced to use a power of that kind, the idea makes him ill.

Again he has to force down the mental images and phantom smells of burned and bloody bodies, and give himself a moment for his stomach to stop churning. He tries to breathe through it, keeping his expression bland.

The thought of the wounded and dying makes him tempted to choose healing. Certainly there was a moment in time where he would have sold his soul for the ability, and would have gone happily to his eternal damnation if it had have saved the man bleeding out in his arms. But now there's nobody he cares enough to save.

Now… now he thinks he'd go for mind control. He'd take control of the Amestrian Government and make sure that nothing like Ishval could ever happen again. He'd restore Amestris to the country it should have been, without the political aggression and expansion-at-all-costs philosophy that caused decades of territory wars and destroyed an entire race of its people. He'd be a dictator, he knows, but a benevolent one, working for the good of the people. But then, all dictators probably think of themselves as benevolent, he supposes.

"I don't know," he says finally, unwilling to expose so much of himself by speaking his thoughts aloud.

Ed accepts this at face-value instead of pushing, for which Roy is grateful. A moment later and Ed's quicksilver mind is off and racing again, this time steering the conversation into the realm of superheroes and comic books. It's been a while since Roy's read anything in the way of comics; a while since he's been able to read anything at all. But he enjoyed comics during his younger years, and finds common ground with Ed over the heroes and villains of a decade ago.

By the time Roy finishes his meal, Ed has long-finished his. Roy finds himself feeling satiated and well-fed for the first time in a long while. The sensation settles on him uneasily, making him feel like it's something he hasn't earned. He reminds himself that it was Ed's choice to feed him: Ed's is in control here, and Roy's being paid to go along with whatever he chooses to do, sex-related or not.

Roy helps Ed clear the dishes despite Ed trying to wave him away, and then they move back into the lounge. Ed stands awkwardly for a moment, looking at one of the couches, and then abruptly turns on his heel and disappears down the hallway.

Roy is somewhat nonplussed by his sudden departure, unsure if he's supposed to follow or wait where he is. After a few moments curiosity wins over caution, and he follows the path of Ed's retreat.

He finds Ed in a bathroom, standing at the sink and squeezing toothpaste onto a toothbrush. Ed looks up as Roy appears in the doorway behind him and their eyes meet in the mirror.

Roy raises a questioning eyebrow.

"What?" Ed demands defensively, with a somewhat embarrassed scowl. "It's polite to brush your teeth before you kiss someone."

Roy is amused by Ed's defensiveness but genuinely touched by this small display of thoughtfulness, and his smirk softens at the edges.

Ed pauses with the toothbrush halfway to his mouth, suddenly breaking the eye contact and looking away. "I mean, only if you want to. You don't have to, of course." He pauses for a moment, looking back up to the mirror. "Do you kiss? I mean, your, uh…" Ed stumbles to a halt, obviously unsure what term to use.

"Clients?" Roy suggests, trying not to smile at the kid's verbal fumbling.

"Yeah," Ed agrees, obviously relieved by the save.

Roy contemplates the question for a moment - generally he doesn't kiss, but that has more to do with the acts he's usually performing than any kind of prohibition on his part. It's difficult to kiss with a mouthful of cock, or while he's being hammered from behind. That being said, he certainly has no desire to kiss most of his clients, shuddering to think of that kind of intimacy with those of poor personal hygiene or who get off on the more degrading aspects of his work.

But Ed… Ed, who is brushing his teeth for Roy's benefit, who is forthright and sweet and awkward by turns. He thinks he could kiss Ed. He thinks he might even want to.

"I kiss," Roy says simply, not daring to say more for fear of what he might reveal.

Ed's expression brightens, and he shoves the toothbrush in his mouth and begins brushing vigorously, as if concerned that Roy might change his mind.

"Do you have a spare?" Roy asks. "Fair's fair, after all."

Ed crouches down to rummage in the cupboard under the sink and pulls out a pack of a dozen-odd toothbrushes, only half of which remain. Roy extracts one from the packet and Ed makes room for him at the sink.

They stand side by side as they brush, and Roy tries to make sense of the picture they present in the mirror: two men, pressed close in the limited space. It's an oddly domestic scene, typical of partners or family members. There's nothing to mark Roy as a whore, or Ed as his trick.

The pair of them are a study in contrasts. Ed is in the same black shirt and cargo pants as the previous day, his golden hair up in a ponytail, cascading down his back and forward over one shoulder. Roy is taller by nearly a head, wearing plain blue jeans and a grey t-shirt, his arms bare. In the mirror Ed's eyes are golden-bright, while Roy's are so dark a brown they look black.

Ed spits and rinses, and then makes room for Roy to do the same. When he's done, Roy hands the brush back, and Roy adds it to the little rack where Ed's and his brother's already stand. Roy isn't quite sure how to feel about that, so tries to put it out of his mind.

They head back through to the lounge, which is when Ed seems to run out of steam, looking unsure of himself for the first time.

"So, uh. How do we do this?"

"Well, generally, my clients tell me what they want, and I get on with doing it." Roy takes a step towards him, letting his hips tilt a little and offering the knowing smile that gets him the attention of both genders; Roy knows he's good at this particular game. "But if you like, I can make some suggestions. Would you like me to kiss you?"

"Yeah," Ed says, voice low with want. "Yeah, definitely. I'd like that."

Roy closes the distance between them, until he's standing directly in front of Ed. This close, he can see how richly amber the depths of Ed's eyes are, currently alight with anticipation.

But he can also sense the tenseness of Ed's body, shoulders as tight as if he were braced for a blow. Ed's obviously nervous and uncertain, but Roy can't discern the cause. Is it because Roy's a stranger? Because he's a man? Because Ed expects something in particular to happen that he doesn't want?

"Here, let's sit down," Roy says, putting a hand on Ed's shoulder and guiding him towards the couch, nudging Ed to sit when he's close enough and taking a seat beside him when he does. He hopes that the casualness of the position will help Ed relax, with the added bonus of reducing the height difference between them.

Then he slides a hand around the back Ed's neck and guides him forwards with the lightest of pressure. Their lips meet lightly, slide over each other's, and part again. Roy gives Ed a moment to process, and then moves back in to kiss a little more firmly.

It takes Ed a few moments to engage fully, and then he's leaning into the kiss, mouth fitting to Roy's, warm and wet and tasting faintly of mint. Ed's left hand reaches to grip Roy's bicep as the kiss deepens. Roy licks at Ed's lower lip, a gentle request, and Ed opens his mouth for Roy to delve inside.

It's quickly obvious to Roy that while this isn't Ed's first kiss, he's not particularly experienced either. But he's enthusiastic, and willing to follow Roy's lead, and Roy finds himself enjoying a kiss for the first time in too many empty years. He slides an arm around Ed's body to pull him closer, cradling the back of his head with the other hand, silken hair sliding over his fingers.

Roy breaks the kiss off after a few minutes. "How are you doing?" He asks, wanting to make sure Ed's still on board. His enthusiasm seems genuine and his physical responses indicate he's enjoying the proceedings, but people can be complicated, Roy knows.

"I'm great!" Ed says fervently. His breathing a little fast and there's a pink flush stretched across both cheeks.

"Do you want to keep going?" Roy asks.

Ed nods. "Definitely!"

Roy smiles and succumbs to the urge to run a thumb over the blush on Ed's cheek. He kisses Ed just once, and then nudges him to lie back, using the arm around him to help guide him down until Ed's reclining along the length of the couch. Roy follows him, shifting until he's lying atop Ed's body. Ed's eyes are wide beneath him, and it takes a few moments before Ed lets his arms come up and fold around Roy's body.

He kisses Ed gently, letting Ed dictate the intensity. Ed shifts beneath him, and Roy can feel Ed's cock, hard against his pelvis. Roy has little doubt that Ed's just as aware of his own erection, pressing into the hollow of Ed's hip. The kisses slowly become more heated as Ed's confidence increases and his arousal builds, and Roy is pleased when Ed gets game enough to slip his tongue into Roy's willing mouth.

Ed pulls back to gasp a breath, and Roy moves his attentions to Ed's neck, nuzzling and kissing at the soft place beneath his jaw, sucking lightly and then scraping his teeth lightly along the skin. Ed bucks beneath him at that and Roy smirks against his neck. After that Ed can't seem to hold back the little twitches and jerks of his hips. Several times he presses up deliberately and then stills again as if he isn't sure he's allowed to seek his pleasure against Roy's body.

Roy rolls his hips in response, a deliberate grind, and Ed groans. Roy can't wait to get Ed out of his clothes, to have no barriers between them, nothing but skin against skin. He remembers Ed asking if Roy was willing to fuck as well as be fucked, and his cock twitches just at the thought of sinking into Ed's body.

"Do you prefer to top or bottom?" Roy asks against Ed's neck.

There's no immediate response, so Roy pushes up so that he can see Ed's face. "When you're with men," he elaborates.

Ed's gaze slips off to the side and he reaches up to scratch at the back of his neck, looking sheepish. "Well, uh…"

"You've never tried either?" Roy asks.

Ed shakes his head. "Not so much, no."

"What have you tried, with other guys?"

"I've never really, uh…" Ed trails off with a shrug. "Yknow. Anything, with a guy."

Roy sits up and moves off of Ed's body, knowing that there's a conversation here that needs to be had without distraction.

Ed follows his lead, sitting up and trying to sweep his hair into some semblance of order, looking at Roy a little warily.

"I'm the first man you've been with?" Roy asks, gentling his tone.

"Yeah," Ed admits. He gives an embarrassed sort of smile, and then suddenly looks worried. "Is that a problem?"

Roy shakes his head. "Of course not, but it's useful for me to know. I don't want to rush you or do anything you're not comfortable with, so we'll just take it a little slower than usual, all right?"

Ed looks relieved by this. "Yeah, that would be great," he says.

"And if there's anything you find you don't like, please tell me. There are always plenty of other things we can try."

"I will," Ed promises. He looks as if he wants to say more, so Roy waits patiently.

"Are you into guys?" Ed blurts abruptly.

The question isn't what Roy expected, and throws him slightly. "I'm a male prostitute," he says sardonically, resorting to deflection. "It would be problematic if I wasn't."

"Yeah, but…" Ed shrugs. "It's not like you'd have to be into it to do your job, would it? I mean, if you aren't, uh… the one doing the fucking, then it wouldn't matter if you weren't into it, right?"

And damn this kid for being one of the insightful ones, for not accepting Roy's prevarication at face value. Roy wonders for a moment what would happen if he said 'no', whether it would make a difference to Ed, whether Ed might halt the evening altogether out of respect for Roy's stated preferences. But Roy has no reason to lie.

"You're right, of course," Roy concedes. "But as it happens I am sexually attracted to men. Why do you ask?"

Ed fiddles with his sleeve. "I had a girlfriend," he says after a few moments, and Roy realises that Ed's issues might not be limited simply to his inexperience. It would hardly be the first time he's been rambled at by a trick working through their own hangups, though, so Roy settles himself more comfortably as he waits.

"We practically grew up together," Ed continues, "and just sort of fell into a relationship when we were pretty young. We broke up a bunch of times but we always got back together, until this last time."

"What was different about this last time?" Roy asks.

"She wanted to have sex," Ed says. "And I realised that I didn't. I mean… not with her. I love her, I really do. But I just didn't feel that way about her. When I kissed her, it felt… nice, I guess. But it didn't make me want to do anything more."

"It didn't turn you on?"

Ed shakes his head, and then shrugs. "I mean, she sat in my lap and I got hard - but it was a physical thing, y'know? She was rubbing against my dick, it paid attention. But that's all."

"Did you have sex with her?" Roy asks.

Ed shakes his head again, and Roy is oddly relieved, glad that Ed wasn't pressured into doing something he didn't want. "She didn't get why. I'm a teenage guy, I'm supposed to be desperate for it, but I turned her down, even though I was sitting there with a hard-on tenting my pants. She got pretty angry at first, and then she cried." Ed winces a little at the memory. "She thought it was just her I didn't want, but it wasn't. I've never felt that kind of thing about any girl."

"Did you think you might be attracted to other men?" Roy asks.

"Well, at that point, it hadn't really occurred to me. I know that sounds stupid - I mean, how can someone not even know what floats their boat? But the thing is, for most of my life I never really thought about sex at all," Ed says. "I was so busy taking care of Al, making sure we stayed together, trying to fix our bodies, plus studying and working on top of that, that I just didn't have room in my head to think about sex as well. I mean, I jerked off, but it was just a physical thing, I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular. At school the other guys would talk about sex all the freaking time, but I just… didn't. It was only after Winry said she wanted to that I really stopped to think about it."

"What conclusions did you come to when you did?"

"I realised that I just wasn't into girls."

"And?" Roy prompts.

"And I tried thinking about guys, and that did make me want to do more."

"But you haven't had the opportunity to try it out in practise, as yet?"

"No."

"So, is that why you hired me, then? To test out your theory, see if it works the same way in reality as it does in your head?"

Ed doesn't answer for a moment. "Well," he says, looking somewhat abashed but with a hint of a grin, "to be honest, I just saw you and wanted you. I didn't really think about it much further than that. But I guess it works out, right? Means I can try stuff out with a guy and if I don't get into it, it doesn't matter! It's not like having a date that'll be pissed if you realise you're just not into dick halfway through." He pauses and then the grin spreads wider as he reaches down to adjust himself in his pants, erection still obvious. "Not that I think being into it's going to be a problem."

Roy smirks. "I'm flattered to have caught your attention." He's definitely getting the impression that Ed's not really the sort to look before he leaps, jumping into the things with wholehearted enthusiasm, but not always a lot of forethought. In this particular instance, however, it seems to have worked out well for both of them: Ed gets to experiment with his sexuality without the anxiety of trying to please a partner, while Roy gets the easiest night's work he's had in years, and gets to stay warm in the bargain.

"And you're right, I certainly won't be offended if you choose to stop the experimentation at any point during the evening. You've paid for my time and you get to choose what to do with me, even if you decide to do nothing."

Unexpectedly, Ed's expression twists in a grimace of embarrassment. "You must think I'm a total loser," he says, looking away. "Hiring a hooker to lose my virginity. Like I couldn't get a guy any other way."

"Not at all," Roy says, frowning. "My first time was with an escort, too." The words escape before he can corral them, and Roy curses himself for opening yet another chink in his protective armour of anonymity. He's only ever told that story to one other person, and he certainly hadn't planned on divulging it to a trick he barely knows.

But Ed's looking at him with sudden hope in his expression, so Roy tries to push the self-recriminations aside and continue.

"She was kind and gentle with me - she made sure I enjoyed it, as well as teaching me some useful things about how to please a woman."

He didn't mention that it was at the request of his foster mother, who had specifically chosen one of her girls to initiate him, once she decided he was old enough.

"Really?" Ed stares at him, wide-eyed. "And you don't regret it?"

"Not at all," Roy says. "Look, Ed. There are a whole range of reasons why you might want to hire a sex worker, and other people have no right to judge you for it. It doesn't mean you're a loser, or that you couldn't find a partner to have sex with if you tried. It just means that you're choosing to take control of the experience in a particular way."

"I guess so," Ed says, not sounding entirely convinced.

"When you have sex - especially when it's your first time - it should be with someone you feel comfortable with," Roy presses. "And someone you trust to stop if you need them to. If that person is someone you hire, so what?"

"I feel comfortable with you," Ed says, a touch shyly. "I trust you."

"I'm very glad," Roy says, trying not to let Ed's hesitant, earnest smile get to him, while fearing that he's not entirely successful.

Roy wants to tell Ed that he has entirely too much faith in people, that it's not safe to trust anyone, particularly someone you know so little about. But he doesn't want to be the one to disillusion the kid, or expose him to the fundamental assholery of humanity. At the same time Roy recognises the hypocrisy of the thought, considering he's broken several of his own rules this evening already because he trusted a kid he'd only just met.

"So you like girls, too?" Ed asks, obviously contemplating Roy's earlier statement.

"Yes. I'm bisexual." Roy ends up drawn to men more often than women emotionally, but finds women more convenient for casual sex. He used to, anyway - he hasn't had the urge for any kind of sex in a long time.

Ed seems to digest this silently. "I guess that makes me gay," he says, as if only just coming to the realisation. Roy gets the feeling that Ed's recently-discovered attraction to men is something he still hasn't fully processed.

"Ed, they're just labels - try not to get too hung up on them." Roy reaches out to cup Ed's face in his palm, stroking Ed's cheek with the side of his thumb. Ed tilts his head into the touch, eyes fluttering closed for a moment before refocusing on Roy's face.

"People like labels to conveniently pigeon-hole others, but not everyone fits neatly into one box or another, or even identifies with the same box from day to day. Don't let other people's labels push you into doing something you don't want, or keep you from doing something you do want."

"I want this. I mean, I want you," Ed says, no uncertainty in his tone this time.

"Good. That's the only thing that matters, right now."

"So, does that mean we can keep doing stuff?" Ed asks hopefully, seeming to have shelved his sexuality-related anxieties for the moment. "Like what we were doing just before?"

"Of course," Roy says, hiding his amusement. "We can do anything you like."

"I liked it when you were on top of me," Ed says, with a mix of embarrassment and defiance. "Kissing me."

"In that case…"

Roy presses Ed back down onto the couch, settling himself between Ed's thighs and covering Ed's body with his own. Ed immediately grabs Roy's hips, pulling him down while pressing up against him, making his desires clear. Roy smirks against Ed's mouth as he kisses him; he's getting the impression that patience isn't one of Ed's stronger suits either.

Roy accedes to the unspoken demand and grinds his hips against Ed's, setting up a regular rhythm, the pleasure slowly building as their cocks rub together, pressed between their bodies. Ed hooks his flesh hand around Roy's neck, holding him in place as their mouths slide over each other's, heated and wet. Ed's making stuttered moans whenever they break for breath, the sounds going straight to Roy's cock. Ed presses his face against Roy's neck for a moment, overwhelmed, and the warm caress of his exhalation against Roy's skin makes him shiver.

Being with Ed like this feels good in a way that Roy hasn't felt in a long time. It's completely unlike the sex he has when he's working; he never makes out like this, clothed and messy like desperate teenagers. Usually he's using his skills to drive his target towards orgasm as quickly as possible, or letting them use his body to do the same. His own pleasure just doesn't enter into it.

But he could come like this, Roy thinks, just from grinding against Ed's body with all of his clothes still on. It's obvious that Ed's already well on his way to the finish post, if the way he's squirming beneath Roy is any indication. But Roy doesn't particularly want to come in his pants, especially when he has to walk home in them.

What he wants is to slow things down, to undress Ed and explore every inch of his body with fingers and mouth, to show Ed all the different types of pleasure his body can experience. But he knows that Ed doesn't have the patience for that right now. He's practically vibrating with pent-up arousal, desperate to come as quickly as possible. Fortunately Ed's also young, and shouldn't have any issues getting it up for a second round, so there's no harm in getting him off fast right now.

But Roy's still not coming in his pants.

Roy sides off Ed and encourages him to turn so that they're both lying on their sides, facing each other. Ed's looking at him inquisitively, impatience held in check for now but lurking not far beneath the surface.

Roy reaches down between them, undoing Ed's belt and pants by touch alone as he watches Ed's face. He pauses with his fingertips just under the elastic of Ed's boxers.

"Do you want me to touch you?" Roy asks.

"Yeah," Ed breathes. "Fuck, yeah!"

Roy pushes the waistband down, freeing Ed's dick, and wraps a hand around it, taking a long, slow stroke.

Ed makes a sound halfway between a choke and a gasp, pushing into Roy's hand in an unspoken demand for more.

Roy obliges, setting up a rhythm, experimenting a little to see what gets a reaction. Some guys prefer firmer pressure down at the root, others like a squeeze over the head on the upstroke. Ed seems to appreciate everything Roy tries, looking half-dazed with pleasure, responsive to every change in Roy's touch.

"Good?" Roy asks.

"Oh hell yeah," Ed says breathlessly. "I didn't think it'd feel so different - someone else's hand, I mean. But it's so much better."

Roy smirks, using a few of his tricks to tease Ed and wind him up even further, while Ed grips his arm so tightly his fingers will probably leave marks.

Meanwhile, Roy's own arousal is a low ache in his abdomen, his dick still clamouring for attention.

Roy releases Ed for a moment, ignoring his small sound of complaint, and quickly undoes his own belt and pants so he can pull himself free. Then he presses forward until his cock is aligned with Ed's and takes them both in his fist, stroking firmly.

"Oh, fuck," Ed mutters, looking down between them to where the heads of both cocks protrude from Roy's fist on the downstroke. "That is so fucking hot."

"Do you want to come like this?" Roy asks.

Ed nods quickly. "Yeah, fuck yeah!"

Roy strokes them both firmly and quickly, foregoing any further teasing and simply pushing them both towards orgasm as quickly as possible. Ed is so wound up he can't hold himself still, his hips stuttering forward and back to push himself further into Roy's hand. It makes Ed's dick drag against his own, and Roy moans at the sensation. Soon they're both breathing hard, foreheads pressed together, Ed's eyes closed.

Ed is the first to tip over the edge. He stiffens abruptly with a sharp indrawn breath, and then he groans as his dick pulses in Roy's hand and he starts spurting onto both of their stomachs. Roy eases him through it, slowing as the orgasm tails off. Ed is gorgeously flushed and breathing unsteadily, his good hand still gripping Roy's shoulder.

Roy takes a few moments to enjoy Ed's dishevelled state before giving in to his cock's throbbing demand for attention, taking himself back in hand and stroking hard and fast. It isn't long before he reaches his own climax, gasping as the pleasure crashes through him. It's been so long since he's jerked off that the rush of sensation and the relief that follows nearly blindsides him.

Afterwards, they lie tangled together on the couch as they recover.

"That was fucking awesome," Ed declares.

Roy can't hold back a snort of amusement, Ed's combination of enthusiasm and inexperience ridiculously appealing. His unbridled delight at a simple hand-job - the tamest trick in Roy's sexual repertoire - is a novelty completely at odds with the the usual reactions of his clients, who barely seem to enjoy the acts they engage in.

But then, the experience was something out of the ordinary for Roy as well, the intensity startling and unexpected. He can't remember the last time he enjoyed sex. He's certainly never come when he's on the job before, never let himself turn the act into something mutual, or let his own pleasure enter into the equation. There's no denying he enjoyed himself, though, not with the evidence still decorating the front of his t-shirt.

"It was pretty awesome," Roy agrees, both amused and sincere.

Roy's hand is now thoroughly sticky, so after a minute he carefully extracts himself from Ed's tangle of limbs, re-fastens his pants with his left hand, and makes his way down the hallway to clean himself up.

In the bathroom, he stops at the sink and meets his own eyes in the mirror. His hair is in disarray from where Ed's fingers have threaded through it, and his mouth is reddened and kiss-swollen. He's coming down from the high of orgasm and the reality of the situation is starting to intrude in unpleasant ways. His thoughts clamour at him, reminding him how dangerous it is to get attached, to open himself up, to trust in any way, big or small. He should know better, he thinks. He should remember the lessons that were hard-learned.

"Roy," he mutters to his reflection. "What the hell are you doing?"

[ot4-official]

Soulmate AU

In which Oliver doesn’t have a soulmark  ~

The thing that you love shows up on your soulmates skin.  That's how it works, that's how it's always worked.  Some people had common things, while others had something so peculiar that when they met, they just knew. Some marks were hidden, but some were in plain sight. 

Oliver just never thought he'd be the broken one.  He'd checked himself countless times, but there was no spot. So he put his thoughts down on paper, the only way he knew how. Writing was his escape whenever things got to be too much.  When his friends teased him about having no mark without realizing what a toll it actually took on him.  He could tell his parents pitied him; they had met in high school and instantly fallen in love. Then his sister got sent to a mental hospital for anorexia. She was too worried about her soulmate, wherever they were, not liking her looks. She was afraid to be fat, but when she was 5' 5" and weighed 80 lbs, she was passing out on a regular basis, and depression was setting in. So she had to go away for a while. He couldn't help but feel it was his fault.  If he wasn't broken, then his sister wouldn't feel pressure to meet her soulmate and fall in love to appease their parents.  But he was going to visit her everyday, because that's what she deserved.  He didn't want to picture her alone in a hospital with white walls, white clothes, and white lights.

He was anxious when he first got to the hospital.  He went through several doors before entering the common room to meet with his sister. When he saw her sitting at a table, he smiled and waved.  She ran over to him and hugged him tightly. "Hey, sis.  How was your first night?"  They sat back down, and Oliver's eyes scanned the room. There were people of various disabilities throughout the room. "Interesting.  I don't like being treated like a toddler."  She stared down at the paper that she'd been drawing on. "That sounds kinda hellish." "I never thought my baby brother would be more put together than me."  She had dark circles under her eyes and her smile didn't reach her eyes. Oliver's eyes landed on a girl with black hair who was staring out the window into the courtyard.  She emanated sadness.  His sister followed his gaze to her. "I've been here for one day, but I've heard scary things about her.  I think she's like, a record holder for suicide attempts."  At least his sister could still get the tea even in a mental hospital. "She's... so young."  As if she could feel herself being watched, she turned towards him, her eyes finding his. He immediately looked away, but not before feeling like some kind of connection was between them. His cheeks heated.  Despite how pale the girl was, she was still gorgeous. "Any more hospital tea for me?" He chuckled and leaned back in his chair.  His eyes flicked back to the girl in the windowsill, but she was back to looking outside. "I don't belong in here, Ollie.  I'm not crazy."  The ribs that showed through her skin begged to differ, but he didn't dare mention it. "You need to eat, Cecy.  I don't want to watch you wither away into nothing. You're my only sister. Okay?"  She looked down to her hands in her lap.  Oliver was so frustrated that he couldn't help in any other way. "I'll try.  But it's not that easy."  He could see tears start to form in her eyes, so he went around to her chair and kneeled beside her, wrapping his arm around her. "I know it's not.  I know it won't be easy, but it's a good thing you're the strongest person I know.  Do it for me, okay?"  He was rubbing her back as she began to cry, and he enveloped her completely in his arms. Unbeknownst to him, the girl in the window watched them intently, trying to figure out the relationship between the dark haired boy and the blonde girl. It wasn't hard to figure out that she was in for anorexia, not with the way her arms were like twigs and she always sat at dinner time alone with an untouched plate. It continued like that for a few weeks.  Oliver would visit, sometimes the whole family would visit, sometimes they'd play games, sometimes she'd cry. But the one constant was the girl in the windowsill.  He wondered if she ever got bored just sitting there and looking out the window. Cecily said she never left that place when they were allowed free time.  In the dining hall, she ate quickly and sat there. Once, Oliver saw a black mark on her upper neck, but he was too far to make out what it was. He wondered if it was a soul mark. It hadn't taken her long to figure out they were siblings. Not when the whole family visited. She considered his beauty and itched to solidify it somehow. She wished she could do art again.  Or anything, for that matter. Eventually his sister would get better.  She'd eat, and then she'd leave.  And she'd never see the mysterious dark haired boy again. As always, his eyes first glanced to Cecily before darting to the window. It was empty for the first time ever. "I heard it was another suicide attempt." She said it quietly so only he could hear. Cecily seemed to know that he was invested in that girl.  He had the type of personality that made him want to save everyone. Another suicide attempt though?  How was they hospital allowing this to happen? "Oh my god, will she be okay?"  His heart rate skyrocketed.  He didn't want to come here and not see her in the window.  He hoped Ces wouldn't be here much longer, but he still wished to see the dark haired girl.  "I don't know.  None of us have heard anything back on her. But she was hoarding all of her pills for the last month and she swallowed all of them at once.  Overdosed."  His sister didn't look amused at the tea for once, something he was grateful for. "That's terrible.  I thought they always checked mouths to make sure they got swallowed."  His sister shrugged. "I don't know.  But after I found out, I went to the cafeteria and had an apple."  She smiled, not wanting to overshadow the near death of a patient, but proud of herself for such a simple task. "Ces!! That's great, I'm so proud!"  He pulled her into a hug, telling her how proud he was of her. "It's just an apple, Ollie.  You don't need to get all worked up about it."  But he could tell she was happy with herself too. "That apple will go down in history, Ces.  In fact, maybe we need to keep the seeds, plant a new tree.  The tree of new beginnings.  You still have the seeds?"  She knew he was joking, but punched him in the shoulder nonetheless. "Go do your homework, nerd. I'll see you back tomorrow."  She ruffled his hair and he stuck his tongue out at her, giving her one last hug before departing. He wanted to help the dark haired girl, but he didn't know how. ~ In three days, she'd resumed her position at the window.  He talked through a plan with Ces quietly that night before arriving the next day with two flowers.  To Ces, he gave a yellow lily.  With sweaty palms and a racing heart, he walked over to the girl at the window.  "Um, excuse me?"  She turned her head at his voice, and he could see how much worse the purple under her eyes had grown, "Sorry to bother you, but I have this for you."  He held the single rose out to her, and she reached out and took it tentatively. "What for?"  Her voice was smooth and crisp, and if he wasn't mistaken, he heard a hint of a British accent. Oliver's cheeks heated. "Flowers make me happy, they make my sister happy, and I was hoping they might do the same for you.  Unless you're allergic, in which case you probably shouldn't be touching it."  He was rambling, and he was aware he was rambling, but was powerless to do anything to stop it. "Well... thank you.  You didn't have to do this."  There was definitely an accent in her voice. And as she turned towards him more, his eyes focused on the mark on her neck to see a pen.  Her soul mark was a pen.  Like one used for writing, the thing he did constantly and non stop when he wasn't with his sister.  His eyes grew before he looked back to the girl. "Of- of course.  I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to.  Hopefully it adds a welcome splash of color to your life."  And he walked away hurriedly, his cheeks matching the color of the rose he'd given her.  There was no chance that she could be his soulmate, right?  He didn't have one, he didn't have a mark.  But he hadn't thought about the fact that if his soulmate didn't love anything, then he wouldn't have a mark.  As sad as it was to think about, he could entertain it as a possibility. But that was jumping to things he didn't need to jump to. He didn't even know her name.  For the rest of visitation, he could feel her eyes on him, but he refused to look over at her. 

The next day he discovered a rash on his neck that wouldn’t go away.  It was a red splotch that was very visible, but it didn’t hurt or itch or burn.  There was no cause, but it wouldn’t go away. He just hoped his teachers and friends didn’t think it was a hickey. 

His sister teased him about it mercilessly even though she knew it wasn’t a hickey.

[the-bi-man-cometh]

Then and Now

Then: September 23, 2015 Now: January 25, 2019

What is your biggest mistake in life? Then: Letting my ex boyfriend*abuse* me. Now: Dear past me, you did not let him abuse you. My real biggest mistake is the years of letting other people control me. How do you feel today? Then: sad because the guy I like called someone else his other half. Now: Pretty ok. It was a pretty good day. What did you have for lunch today? Then: didn’t eat yet.  probably gonna have like a frozen dinner or something. Now: Pizza, a black bean burger, and fresh juice at the dining hall. I haven’t been eating much, so I let myself eat as much as I wanted. What friend do you tell EVERYTHING to? Then: Becky?  Right now, I don’t really have one.  We haven’t been talking that much :/ Now: Sarah, @empiremydear​

What are you wearing? Then: PJs.  Sleeping With Sirens tee, Olaf pj pants. Now: PJs again. I haven’t changed my clothes in the past 3 years. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, what do you do? Then: Cry probably bc it’s 4 in the morning and I’m tired. Now: Yeah same. And also have an anxiety attack. Are you waiting for something? Then: Yes!  High school to be over!  And my 18th birthday. Now: The warm weather! When was the last time you cried? Then: Last night, I think.  While singing “Role Of A Lifetime” from bare. Now: A few nights ago, watching Love Simon. Is there someone you will never forget? Then: Lots of people.  I’ll never forget anyone I loved or anyone who hurt me.  I don’t forget easily. Now: Anyone who I’ve ever been close with. At the beginning of last summer, who were you in a relationship with? Then: Just out of a relationship with my first girlfriend. Now: No one Do you regret anything you did in the past three days? Then: Probably.  I can’t think of anything specific, but I’m always doing stupid shit. Now: Like, everything I did at the party I was at the other night because I’m embarrassing, but whatever it was fun. Do you hold grudges? Then: I like to think that I don’t, but I definitely do. Now: I could give you an ordered list of everyone who’s ever hurt me. Does the last person you kissed with mean a lot to you? Then: That’s a complicated question.  Like, I care about him, but the last thing he said to me was “You’re acting like a bitch”, so…? Now: I'm more mature than I was when I answered this last time, so I’m not gonna talk about it. Do you wear flip flops during the winter? Then: No. Now: No When things get bad, are you more likely to blame yourself or somebody else? Then: Someone else, tbh. Now: I’ve been really working on not blaming other people for my own stupidity. I’ll blame whoever caused it. Do you like Chinese food? Then: yes. Now: Yeah How often do you straighten your hair? Then: Never.  Too short. Now: Same Do you look decent when you wake up? Then: Ugh no.  I look like an actual garbage can. Now: Ew. Do you like meeting new people? Then: It depends. Now: No, it scares me. What was the last thing you drank? Then: water. Now: Water Last thing you ate? Then: Rice Krispies. Now: Chocolate cake from TGI Friday’s Do you miss someone? Then: Yes.  The guy I like.  It’s only been a day since I’ve seen him, but it feels like an eternity. Now: A bunch of people, yeah. Are you planning on kissing anyone today? Then: No. Now: Nah

What colour are your eyes? Then: Brown.  Why would the answer to this one change? Now: Chartreuse

Do you think relationships are hard? Then: It depends on the relationship.  You’re always gonna have to work at it, some harder than others. Now: They probably shouldn’t be harder than they’re worth. Are you a type of person who cares what people say about you? Then: Sort of. Now: Yeah. Something you’re looking forward to in the next month? Then: Seeing Les Mis again on Sunday! Now: Whenever the next time I see my friends is. Will you be in bed in the next 20 minutes? Then: No, it’s 3 PM. Now: No, I’ll probably still be answering these questions. Does seeing couples in love make you mad? Then: Not mad, just jealous. Now: No. But depending on how I’m feeling that day or if they’re being gross about it, I might be annoyed. How many people have you had strong romantic feelings for this year? Then: 2 Now: Two? I think? I’m trying to remember if the one was over a year ago. When was the last time you changed in front of someone? Then: Yesterday.  Gym class.  Don’t you miss the locker room, future me? Now: About a month ago during the show I was in. Are you going out of town soon? Then: Today.  Taking my dog to the dog park. Now: Yeah, I leave town every day to go to school. But under a new perspective, I think this question meant “are you going on vacation?” to which the answer is I have no money. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Then: Yeah, it’s awesome. Now: Yes Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Then: It depends on what you mean by first love xD The first guy who I thought I was in love with?  Occasionally.  Like, we aren’t friends or anything, but I’ll say hi to him or whatever.  The first girl who I was truly in love with?  Yes, unfortunately.  We have to speak because we’re in band together, but I can’t wait for her to be out of my life. Now: No, he’s out of my life, for better or for worse. And you weren’t in love with her, you idiot. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? Then: Haven’t had one yet.  But if I had, why would the answer change? Now: Champagne. Ew. What was your FIRST job? Then: Babysitting if that counts.  That’s not gonna change. Now: Kohl’s. I quit/got fired less than a month in. It was mutual. What was your FIRST car? Then: My mom’s SUV. Now: A 2000 Honda CRV. Still driving it. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? Then: My mom, probably.  Wondering where she was. Now: Probably my dad. I remember hearing him whistling when I first woke up. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Then: Mrs. Winston.  That’s not gonna change. Now: Technically it was Mrs. Winston and Ms. Frank after she retired. But yeah, it didn’t change. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? Then: California.  That’s not gonna change. Now: California Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? Then: Nicole.  A bit.  We’re doing a project for english together. Now: Still Nicole. And no, I don’t know where she is now. Where was your FIRST sleep over? Then: Well, I tried sleepovers a bunch of times and failed to actually sleep over, but the first sleepover I actually had was at Alex’s party. Now: (Alex was a close friend in elementary school) This hasn’t changed. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? Then: My dog.  He’s a person, right? Now: Myself 😎 Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? Then: None. Now: Still none What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? Then: Petted my dog. Now: Read some hate comments I got overnight. Love my haterz. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Then: Drake Bell, Ally & AJ.  What’s with all these firsts?  They’re not gonna change! Now: ^ FIRST broken bone? Then: Pretty sure I broke my big toe at one point, but my mom never bothered to bring me to a doctor. Now: Other than the maybe-broken toe, my tailbone. I wouldn’t recommend it, it’s pretty darn painful. FIRST piercing? Then: None.  Future me, did I decide to get any face piercings yet?? Now: No, past me, you didn’t, and you will not because you’re not emo anymore. FIRST foreign country you’ve gone to? Then: England. Now: ^ FIRST movie you remember seeing? Then: Elmo In Grouchland. Now: ^ When was your FIRST detention? Then: 1st grade for running in the cafeteria. Now: ^ Who was your FIRST roommate? Then: Ellie, but that was only for like a week at camp.  Future me, who’s my first real roommate? Now: None yet, but Sarah’s going to be my first roommate next year! What is something you would learn if you had the chance? Then: To play trumpet.  And I do have the chance, but my band director won’t let me play it anymore because he doesn’t want to mess up my embouchure. Now: I still want to learn trumpet, or flute. I’ve got the resources, so I really should. Did you marry the FIRST person to ask for your hand in marriage/ you asked to marry? Then: Dude, I’m 17. Now: Dude, I’m 20.

What was the FIRST sport you were involved in? Then: Soccer. Now: ^ What were the FIRST lessons you ever took? Then: Saxophone lessons in like 7th grade or something. Now: Sax lessons were the first private ones, but I took dance lessons when I was 3. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home? Then: Eat. Now: Take my binder off. Who do you think will be the next person to post this? Then: Idk, I’m not posting this for another year. Now: No one because this is ridiculously long Are you ready to get out of this town? Then: Hell yeah! Now: So ready, past me wouldn’t believe it. What are you doing tomorrow? Then: Going to school. Now: Working some accommodation stuff out with the disability workers at school. Jealous? Are you the oldest of your siblings? Then: I have no siblings.  If the answer to this one changes, I’m gonna be really freaked out. Now: No, my mom spontaneously spawned an older sibling for me. Have you ever crawled through a window? Then: Probably at some point, but not that I remember. Now: I don’t think so. Whose bed did you sleep in last night? Then: My own. Now: Mine What were you doing at 4am this morning? Then: In my bed. Now: Trying to sleep The person you fell hardest for, how many times have you cried in front of them? Then: A lot xD I cried in front of him 3 times in one day. Now: Same guy, so like.... a really lot. Do you wear converse? Then: Yes. Now: I don’t have any right now, but I want to buy a new pair. What does your last text say? Then: No. Now: “I have a three hour lab tomorrow...” It’s much longer than this, but I’m not about putting people’s business out there. Or typing all of that. Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three days? Then: People in the locker room. Now: No, but what I’m more concerned about is that when I redid this a few months after the original, I said “not in person...” but I’ve never sent a pic like that in my life, so what did that mean????? What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? Then: Sleeping. Now: Sleeping. Do you smile often? Then: I guess so.  I laugh a lot. Now: Yeah :D Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant? Then: Yes.  But like how would that even happen?  I mean, look at me. Now: Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s literally everyone’s reaction though? Have you ever been caught doing something you shouldn’t? Then: Yeah, a lot.  I rarely do anything bad without getting caught. Now: Yes, many times What’s the connection between you and the last person you texted? Then: Best friends. Now: My best friend

Have you had alcohol in the last 48 hours? Then: no Now: No? Math? What does your last outgoing text say? Then: He didn’t say you could leave? Now: “What class is the lab for?” Did you have a dream last night? Then: Multiple.  But the only one I remember is that something exploded, and I got scared, but then my crush came up to me and was like “Oh, yeah, I’m blowing up things.  It’s fun!  You should come blow things up with me!” Now: Probably not. I didn’t sleep very soundly for some reason. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Then: My mom. Now: My mom. She’s the only one who calls me. Do you think two people can last forever? Then: Yes.  The whole Symposium thing. Now: I hope so. Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? Then: Yeah :) the guy I like, whose name I shall never disclose Now: Pretty much any of my friends have that reaction on me. If you were granted one wish, what would you wish for? Then: To figure out what I want in life. Now: To not have depression anymore. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Then: I used to tell everything to my ex boyfriend, before we broke up.  But now he hates me sooooo….. Now: Nah, but I tell my dad most things. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Then: Hot Topic Now: No idea. It was a gift. Are there any bruises on your body? Then: There’s a few from marching band. Now: I don’t think so Do you want your tongue pierced? Then: No! Now: Gross Does anyone know your MySpace password? Then: I don’t even know my MySpace password anymore. Now: Stop trying to act cool, past me. You made an account and never used it. Have you ever fallen asleep while texting someone? Then: Yeah, all the time. Now: Yeah, same Do you curse in front of your parents? Then: No. Now: I try not to, but shit happens. Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? Then: No. Now: My dad does a lot of times since he leaves for work before I wake up Who was the last male you talked to? Then: My dad.  Or my dog, if he counts. Now: My dad. Have you ever been out of state? Then: Yes. Now: Yes. Your best friend needs you at 3 am, do you go help them? Then: I’m probably not awake, so no. Now: Of course! Do you find smoking unattractive? Then: It’s kinda hot, tbh. Now: Oh god, I’m embarrassed... yes, it’s unattractive. You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get? Then: Origin of Love face on my hip. Now: Same, and I’m probably getting it soon! Currently wanting any piercings? Then: Maybe, like an eyebrow piercing or something like that. Now: Nope. Have you done anything sneaky lately? Then: I’m always doing something sneaky tbh xD rn I’m avoiding my math teacher. Now: I don’t think so. Like private, but not sneaky. Is love really worth fighting for? Then: Yeah, duh! Now: Sure, why not I bet you miss somebody right now? Then: Yeah, I do.  I already admitted that. Now: Like 50 people Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Then: Yeah, but not personally. Now: Lol literally everyone What colour underwear are you wearing? Then: black Now: purple