#i know that onew can make his own decisions but this seems personal

[taekonaut]

onew showing off those toes ...

[gaykey]

I’m the shawol-somsom anon… you’re right LMAO I probably came off a little too strong and made assumptions about you. I’m on vacation and have too much free time for my own good, I’m sorry about that. Btw It doesn’t bother me that you specifically stopped supporting Key, I don’t know you and I barely use tumblr, but I remember you being one of the biggest lil freak/locket accounts on tumblr a few years ago (at least, that's how it seemed), so I got a little frustrated because I know how big accounts influence the perception of the rest of the fandom. 

But I’m not sorry about saying the whole thing feels hypocritical, I still think that. Because what I said is true, FK and Taemin are not better than Key (can’t speak on Jonghyun, Minho and Onew because I do think they try to be more sensible about social issues, and their responsibilities as idols); if I thought Key was horrible, then I’d think they’re horrible, too (disclaimer: I don’t think they are horrible). I simply don’t understand it, and you’re much older than me so it feels even more confusing how you can reconcile the idea. And I would like to have a conversation but tbh I’m a little scared to come off anon bc I don’t even know how tumblr works.

hello again.

it's cool, like, i get why you said what you said. i know i probably come across as very wishy-washy on here at times?

but in regards to key. i also don't think he (or taemin, or first or khao) is a horrible person. at all.

and i'm not saying that they haven't all done problematic stuff. i don't know for sure what fk have done or said, because i'll be so real, i haven't delved that deep. i'm just about below the surface level of being a somsom, but they're people like anyone else, so they've probably fucked up somewhere.

with key however, i was down deeeeep in that fandom lol. 16 years is a long time to be that fixated on a person. every little thing he did was on my tl and dash. maybe that's why his action in particular seem bigger to me?

and, the reason i chose to distance myself from being a lil freak particulalry, was because with key, it wasn't just a few minor instances, or little things that i could excuse so easily.

though i haven't forgotten, i forgave key & taemin for their coulourist remarks they made last year, because i felt that their apologies were genuine.

i acknowldeged shitty thing's key's done in the past, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. many times.

but truly, it felt like the past year? he's just been doing them over & over, unlike taemin, and first and khao. to my knowledge.

i can only forgive so much? and like, key is someone i did - and in many ways very much still do - admire and hold in high esteem (i know putting him on a pedestal is a ME problem, but i'm just being real about how i feel and perceived him) so, it HIT way harder.

i get why that comes across as hypocritcal - i do - but it doesn't feel like it is to me because of the continunity of his behaviour.

i don't know if you were here as i was making the decision to unstan, but it was tough. and i am older. i'm a grown ass woman, so it felt silly to be so emotional about the whole thing tbh.

also i don't want or mean to influence anyone's opinions, however i am starting to get that maybe i do in some way, because i was a pretty prominent key blog for a while???

which is why i try not to talk about him at all too much these days.

maybe i'll forgive him again, maybe he'll do something to redeem himself to me??? idk!

and anon, fr, feel free to come and talk in dms or even send me a message here off anon if you wat to talk. i promise i'm nice, and i'll keep it private if you din't want people to know your blog.

no worries either way xx

[atinybitofau]

[ateez] M I N G I ⥗ baby daddy au

HIS DAUGHTER NEEDS HIM & SO DO YOU. MAFIA MINGI.

warnings: may contain triggering content.

a/n: I think this whole series is just gonna be a mafia spin off at this point 😂😂 ya’ll like it so much. let me know yeah?

• “Y/n, go home.”

• you lift your head up from your desk and see the time’s passed when you’d want it to be.

• going home an option..

• although not an option you can take just like that.

• “I can’t.” you blink your tired eyes open again. “Minhee’s staying with my mom this weekend. I can finally pick up some more hours.”

• “Sweetie,” your coworker slips over a hot cup of coffee. “You need to go home. Take a vacation— I don’t know. Just not the same body breaking routine of working for your baby and settling on take out chinese. Sweetie, you need to go home.”

• her words cut like knives.

• being no more than the truth rather than comfort.

• because you stopped loving home.

• stayed at work more than at home.

• and it’s for your daughter.

• working your ass off is for your daughter.

• even if you had to sacrifice your wants and needs,

• you’ll do anything for your daughter.

• “Mom, I have to stay a little late today.”

• she’s hesitant to reply,

• gun to her hip as a familiar man plays with your baby,

• whimpering at the speaker hoping you could hear the desperation in her voice.

• “Sweetie, why don’t you come home early tonight?” she shakily says eyes shut when the gun’s gently forced to her ribs. “Please, y/n. Minhee misses you.”

• you don’t spare another thought. “I have to finish this paper, mom. Just one more night.”

• “I can’t have her for one more night, you have to come home. I need a break too.”

• you’re silent for that one.

• knowing your mom is well aware of your present distress.

• always hoped you’d give yourself what you really deserve.

• tries her best to give what she can, even if you say she can’t.

• because she’s a mom.

• and mothers know best.

• “I’m on my way.” you sigh, fingers rubbing at your temple. “You can tell them to let you go, ma. I’ll be there soon.”

• she sighs in relief.

• hoping one day you’d make amends with yourself.

• hoping one day your ex boyfriend would make amends with you.

• “If you needed a babysitter, why didn’t you just tell me?”

• you roll your eyes taking Minhee away from his warm embrace. “Stay away from my daughter, Mingi. And that goes for your friends too. Stay away from my family.”

• Mingi’s in headspace whenever he’s with you—

• always.

• being the only woman to ground him at his worst.

• a woman he once loved.

• until the day you forgot what love meant.

• worked too hard and thought too hard against him,

• what he means to you and your daughter.

• what you and Minhee mean to him.

• “She’s just as much as family to me as she is to you.” he stands up and follows you, his men turned for sake of privacy. “You can’t keep me from her forever.”

• you whip around harshly. “I will keep her from you as long as I’m able.”

• it hurts him to see you so burdened.

• to see you so locked up in chains.

• when you deserved the world since the beginning.

• never sure how he ended up with you in the first place.

• “I can protect her.” he insists voice raging out of frustration. “Believe me, I can do better than what you think I can do.”

• “My daughter doesn’t need a man like you to do anything for her.”

• “For fucksake, y/n. She’s my daughter too!”

• but you have too much pride.

• too much fear around Mingi.

• afraid he’d love someone else while loving you—

• afraid that who he was, could stop him from loving you.

• “Get out of my house.”

• Mingi lets out a strangled breath before snapping at his friends for space.

• it’s not until you put Minhee to bed that things get too heated.

• another day of a broken relationship undergoing attempted repair.

• “Stop pushing me away.”

• you turn to look at the father of your baby,

• a man who loved Minhee as much as you.

• “Why do you want her so much?” your voice breaks when you ask. “So you take her, theoretically okay. You take her and then what? She grows up learning the trades you do? Grows up learning her father would give up blood sweat and tears for something that’s not even for her?”

• “Why do you keep making me out to be this worthless heartless man? Someone you never loved? Not even worth being her father?” his tongue hisses between his teeth seeing red when you speak. “I’d do anything for her. And I’ve made that very clear.”

• maybe you’re just jealous.

• possessive over the both of them.

• you can’t just share them.

• you think letting Mingi go was the right decision for you.

• that keeping Minhee to yourself wasn’t selfish at all.

• you don’t know how to share two different kinds of love.

• it’s selfish actually.

• how you’re afraid that somehow someway they’d both end up not loving you.

• “You used to leave me for your life,” you keep your voice hushed as you argue with the love of your life. “The days I wanted your attention, you’d find something else to think of. What would make having Minhee any different than it was when you had me?”

• his eyes search you.

• heart racing and body hot—

• still obviously very in love with you.

• curses his life day after day for it being such a ridicule against what he really wants.

• he just wants to be with you.

• wants you to be happy.

• wants to be with Minhee too.

• “I love you and my daughter.” Mingi cups your face between the palm of his hands. “No matter how many times I told you I loved you, you never believed me. And it’s fine if you don’t, y/n. It’s fine if you can’t accept my love for you anymore. But don’t take my daughter away from me. Don’t force her to reject me the way you do.”

• god only knows how much you really love Mingi.

• how your heart hurts every day not being able to have him the way you want—

• to have and hold a man that loves you and your family unconditionally.

• you just want to be happy.

• you just want Minhee to be happy too.

• “I’m taking my daughter away from what you do.” you whisper tear rolling down your face. “Not from you.”

• some days he’ll stay.

• some days he’ll be too busy to stay.

• or some days, he can’t be the Mingi you fell in love with.

• he can’t be Minhee’s father everyday.

• and that’s something Mingi can’t understand.

• you don’t want to reject him.

• most of the time, he rejects the both of you.

• “Come on, Minhee. Stop crying baby. Mommy’s here.”

• you’re on the verge of tears at this point.

• two hours now of your daughter’s helpless crying and trying to flee from your weak arms.

• you’re tired.

• you’ve been a mother alone for too long and you honestly do need a break.

• Minhee feels your stress and she feels tired when she’s with you.

• your daughter hurts when you do.

• and when she hurts, she looks for one person to hold her.

• her father.

• cause it’s not helping when it’s with you.

• “M-Mingi, please come home.” you cry airily through the phone like your life depends on it. “Mingi I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.. I can’t live like this anymore.”

• Mingi goes to Minhee first.

• and it’s just father instinct.

• how easy it is for your daughter to sleep against his big chest like it’s the fluffiest pillow in the world.

• but you’re alone when he’s with her.

• you’re crying in the bathroom almost ready to give up.

• tired of not being good enough.

• tired of feeling like you’re not loved enough.

• tired of knowing you don’t love people enough.

• Mingi hands his daughter to his friends realizing you haven’t left the bathroom for two hours.

• hopelessly throws his body against the door,

• until he finally breaks it open to find you unconscious on the floor.

• “Y/n.” he lifts you in his arms as you open your eyes to look at him, deep sunk and tired. “Please stop pushing me away.”

• you lean against the warmth of his chest.

• like he’s the fluffiest pillow in the world.

• “Please, y/n.. stop pushing me away.”

• you wake up feeling warm.

• the sound of Minhee’s favorite cartoon playing over playful laughter.

• you groggily walk towards the homey sounds to find Mingi suiting up to leave with your mom wrapped around your daughter at the couch.

• “Where are you going?” you stop him before he goes,

• Minhee confused and seeming unaware her father was attempting to flee in the first place.

• “I was just..” he swallows down his thoughts. “I have something I need to do.”

• of course you’re disappointed.

• you don’t ever want him to leave.

• so your baby girl runs into your arms reaching for her father too.

• crying for him to stay for the both of you.

• “Y/n, honey, let Mingi go.” your mom butts in. “He’s been here since yesterday and hasn’t had any sleep either.”

• you’re definitely selfish this time.

• cause people shouldn’t just force others to do things against their own will.

• but you know it’s what your baby girl wants.

• for him to stay just as much as you do.

• “If you decide to leave, you come back.” you demand at the father of your child. “You come home. And you come home to me and Minhee, do I make myself clear?”

• your mother smiles to herself while your daughter climbs into Mingi’s arms.

• Mingi speechless when you actually let her,

• stumbling when he replies, “Y-you want me to come back?”

• “I want you to come home.”

• you slowly lean up towards the tall dangerous man you used to love,

• bringing a soft kiss to his shocked parted lips.

• “I want you to come back home to me. And I want you to come back home to your daughter, Song Mingi.”

@atinybitofau

[jinkisbelly]

Solace 1/?

 Pairing: Onew/oc, Onho

Raiting: pg:13 for the moment

W/c: almost 2k

Summary: All Jinki has ever known is written away with a few signatures arranging his mating with the future Chief of Pack Choi.

Warnings: Mpreg, omegaverse, you know the deal

Can read on Ao3 and AFF as well

    The sea was bright blue and almost sparkling as far as he could see from the top of the ridge. The beach spanned out below him in each direction, white and soft to the touch. Jinki closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the cool breeze blew against him. Today the rest of his life began and he wasn’t prepared for it. The sun was barely over the horizon and the village was bustling with life more than normal. The excitement of a visiting pack increased the number of people awake before the sun had. Slipping from their home and up the hill unseen had been harder than usual. They weren’t even here yet, and his life was changing already. 

           They as in his betrothed and his family. There was no point in dwelling in the maybes and uncertainties. There was very little the man could do to change the pact between the two lands, and Jinki just happened to be the bargaining chip. Soft footsteps approached from behind him, but he only smiled as the other person spoke. “It’s time to get ready, Jinki.”

           He opened his eyes as he stood, holding his cloak tighter around his shoulders and gazing down at Jonghyun. The beta had been in his service for as long as he could remember. He wondered if he’d be able to take his friend with him when he moved, or if Jonghyun would want to. He couldn’t in good conscious force his friend to go somewhere he didn’t wish. “Have the scouts reported seeing their party?”

           “The owls just returned. They’ll be here before midday.” 

           “I see,” Jinki took one last look at the ocean before taking the well-worn path with bare feet. He smiled as Jonghyun offered his elbow as he approached, and quickly took it to continue down toward town. 

----

           He fiddled with the tassels of his dress uniform, frowning at how stupid he must look. He looked up when Jonghyun softly tapped at his chin. The man was smiling as reassuringly as he could, but Jinki’s stomach still twisted uncomfortably. “How are you feeling?” 

           “Like a cattle walking into an auction.”

           “Jinki-” 

           “I just spent the last few hours bathing and being poked and prodded to look the prettiest I could be to fetch a higher price.” He sighed, “That’s what this meeting is, Jonghyun. It’s not to see if I like him or if I want to go along with this. It’s for the Elders to look over trade agreements and how much I’m worth to the heir of their pack. To make decisions that dictate the rest of my life without my opinion.”

           “Unfortunately we cannot argue the hand we are dealt in this life, but we can be optimistic. I am told by merchants and travelers that the Choi Pack has beautiful mountain ranges surrounding their lands. There are so many stars visible that scholars always go to observe them. They are known for their fighting ability and how safe their city is within it’s walls.” Jonghyun walked around to fix the few clay beads tied in his hair down his back. Each bead had a mark carved into it, showing Jinki’s accomplishments in archery, hunting, and leadership. “You’ll be well protected and cared for. You’d be mated to the next Chief. Your children will never know hardship. Your Betrothed is said to be very handsome. He could be a very nice man.”

           “He also could be a giant asshole.” Jinki gave a little grin before letting it fall. “I don’t want this... To mate someone I may meet twice and live in a world that’s foreign. No matter how pretty their land is, it’ll still be a prison.”

           “I wish I could protect you from this.” Jonghyun’s voice is barely over a whisper, fingers still caught in Jinki’s hair for a moment before he lets them fall. “You know if I could I’d mark you... Save you from this.”

           “I know.” Jinki slowly turned, smiling as he squeezed the man’s hand. “A life with my best friend wouldn’t be so bad.” 

           The bells rang signaling the gates being opened. Jinki pressed his lips together as they both looked out the window toward the front of the keep. He closed his eyes as a kiss was pressed to his cheek. “No matter what happens, you’ll always have me.” 

           “Even if it means living in a foreign city?” 

           “I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth Jinki just like you would for me.” 

-----

           Someone to his left softly hisses ordering him to smile, but Jinki just lifts his chin and doesn’t as he eyes the group stepping closer to them. At the head of the small pack, is their Chief, thick furs on his shoulders and a nasty scar running the length of his left eye. His fingers are covered in crudely made rings, a large broadsword on his hip. Jinki watches as his father steps forward, gripping the man’s hand and bumping chests in greeting. He knows the young man just to the left of the visiting chief is eyeing him hungrily, can feel his piercing eyes straight on him. “We welcome you to our fine pack, Malchin. I do hope you enjoy your stay.”

           “It’s good to see you again, Jaesuk. It’s been too long.” Malchin gestures to his right, “This is my eldest son, Myungdae.” 

           Jinki fights the urge to swallow thickly as all eyes fall on him when his father holds out his hand for him to take. “This is my only, Jinki.” 

           Myungdae is a few inches taller, wide shoulders, and bold eyes. He’s pretty, in a rugged sort of way. His dark hair is cut short to his scalp and Jinki can count four weapons on him with just a quick glance at his form. When Myungdae smiles, it’s almost easy to be alright with all this. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jinki.” 

           “I hope we both find what we desire out of this meeting, Myungdae.”

           As they walked to the adjacent banquet hall, all Jinki wanted to do was rip his arm from Myungdae’s hold. He could very well walk into a room without posing as the arm candy he was sure the Choi’s wished as a mate for their son. Sitting with his back straight in his chair, Myungdae across from him and his parents on either side, Jinki looked past the visiting Alpha to find Jonghyun against the wall. The beta smiled reassuringly, and it was enough for a little while to play his part.

-----

           Without the added decorum of the banquet hall, the banners around the room and without the added number of people, the small office of Jinki’s father seemed almost suffocating. He wasn’t sure if he should be appalled that he was being bought with trade goods and promises, or flattered with the amount the Choi’s believed him to be worth. Just when he was sure his father would sign the contract without a word of input from him, Jaesuk turned toward him. “Is there anything you wish to add, son?” 

           “Oh, yes.” He gave a little smile, folding his hands on top of the table. “I want a guarantee that I am allowed to visit home at least once a year if weather and circumstances allow. Thrice once I bare you children. I want them to know their other grandparents.”  

           Malchin nodded his head. “Agreed. I wouldn’t refuse that right of yours.”

           “Your pack, while strong, is known for the battles it rages and the warriors you train. If something were to happen to Myungdae, I need to be sure that any child I give you will not be taken away from me.”

           “We don’t take children from their carriers.”

           “Not on paper, but I hear stories from other carriers, Chief Choi.” He kept his gaze on the older wolf, knowing this was a test of strength. If he broke in any way it would be seen as weakness. “This mating is to bring our packs closer together, for you to have access our abundance of natural resources, and for us to receive the protection your army gives. I agreed to do this for my people, but I must be selfish in this. I will not have my children taken if your wars take their other father from them.”

           It’s Malchin who breaks the eye contact, turning to whisper quietly with his son. When their conversation ended, both men were looking at Jinki, but Malchin nodded. “Agreed. Anything else?” 

           Jinki finds Jonghyun’s eyes from where he’s standing in the corner, waiting to be called on if he’s needed, before looking back at Malchin. “I want the final say in my guards and personal servants while I live within your pack.”

           Myungdae’s hand curls into a fist on the table, brows furrowed as he angrily asks, “Do you not trust my people to protect you?”

           “I am to live in a world I have never even visited, surrounded by people from a culture I have yet to learn. I do not doubt your people’s ability to protect me from outside forces who wish to deal me harm, but they will not make me feel safe in the way my own people, or those I choose, would.” Jinki softly lets out a deep breath before finishing. “You won’t always be with me during my heats. I do not wish strangers to have access to my nest or the ability to walk through whenever they wish.”

           Malchin places a hand over his son’s fist, bowing his head kindly. “It is not our place as Alpha’s to question what makes an omega feel safe. We agree to your terms.” 

-----

           All of his life had been lived here in his pack, but as Jinki gripped the reins of his horse, looking at his home disappearing on the horizon, he swallowed the lump in his throat. He had thought that he’d have more time to prepare to leave, but customs say they are to get mated in the Alpha’s pack. The quicker this is done, the easier the transition of their alliance will go through. Three weeks. Three weeks until his heat was meant to hit and he’d be bound to a man he knew almost nothing about. It’d take almost two of those weeks to get to their pack up the mountains. A few days wasn’t enough to make a nest, to feel safe within it enough to want to mate, let alone mark each other.

           He slowly looked over at Jonghyun, who was smiling even if his eyes gave away his worry. “You alright?” 

           “I will be.” He took a deep breath, tearing his gaze away from the life he knew. “This has just happened so fast, Jonghyun. I’ll miss it here.” 

           “You’ll be back. This isn’t goodbye forever.”

           “I know.” 

           Someone clearing their throat to their right, made both men look over. There on horseback was a young man, hair longer than most other men in their caravan, the emblem of the Choi pack embossed into the leather of his chest piece. His voice is quiet but deep as he says, “We must get going if you don’t want to be separated from the rest of the pack.” 

           “Apologies. Just taking one last look.” Jinki gently kicks the side of his horse, bowing his head at the man. “Thank you for fetching us.”

           “Looking out for our own. That’s what family does.” 

           Taking a better look at the man’s small face, it dawns on him the slight resemblance the man has to Myungdae. “Are you related to my betrothed?”

           He smiles, and it’s so different than that of the other Alpha, soft and warm around the edges. Jinki finds it easier to trust him, even if that thought makes him want to pull back immediately. “My name is Minho, I’m his younger brother.” 

-----

[fytaem]

Do you know what Taemin said about his and shinee's contracts? I keep seeing people talk about it on twitter but I can't find the original post ;;

(x)

And this is not a message for you dear but to all people who keep scaring others and are also trying to bring pessimistic thoughts here through more anon messages: stop with the useless drama. And yes I’m mean, rude and all that you want to say but it’s the true. A contract is a contract, a process that all professional artists and of course every single worker out there need to face. A contract states professional details, not emotional details. Whatever is the state of SHINee members contracts they’re old enough to face them and have mentality enough for what’s better for them or not. They might be even in talks or even they might have prepared another contract that will be active once the actual finishes, who knows. The thing is, SHINee is SHINee until May 2018 so being desperate about the end of the group when it’s clearly not happening in October 2017 is... unnecessary.

It’s also unnecessary to compare this situation with SNSD. The SNSD members who wanted to leave wanted to continue with other professional activities which seems they couldn’t be able to develope still being in the group. On the other hand, ALL, and I mean ALL SHINee members are able to develope different activities and in a very deep level of devotion: Jonghyun and Taemin as soloists, Onew and Minho as actors, and of course Key who has tried every single thing in this world and yet he did so well. The thing is... don’t compare SHINee to SNSD because they’re not facing the same reality. SNSD members had to leave to reach more personal objectives, while SHINee didn’t have to do that and there you have them, doing individual schedules and yet they are members of SHINee, they don’t feel they need to leave, while SNSD members had to take that decision to keep growing in their professional areas. SHINee’s reality isn’t  SNSD’s. SNSD and SONE’s reality is painful and difficult, so don’t use their pain to create a drama for yourself because nope. It’s not your drama, and of course you’re not respecting the reality of SNSD just because everything in your head is around SHINee and nothing else.

When it comes to Onew’s scandal: he fucked up as a citizen, not as a SHINee member. Of course he’s paying the consequences of being a public person. However, he hasn’t failed in his professional area, or he hasn’t showed any interest to develope other activities without SHINee’s name. So, until May 2018 many things could happen, for example the prosecution for his case to finally end someday. If he ends up being innocent or guilty, then yes, his mentality might change a lot when it comes to his continuity in SHINee, but as a professional he’s not facing any trouble (except, of course, of his hurt public image). People might want Onew to stay, people might want Onew to leave, but in the end that’s his own decision. The world isn’t against him, if he remains silent and in the shadows like this is because he’s professional enough to know where he has failed and must pay the consequences. However, as I said, this is a reality that we can’t deny and we must accept, going crying in all the corners is useless because this isn’t something we can solve as shawols, we’re talking about Onew facing a prosecution, a damn legal process people. Come on. Anyways, whatever happens with Onew, he had lots of chances to develope different professional areas, so professionally Onew has nothing to change unless he finds he needs more achievements as a SM artist. For whatever happens with his personal life, he’s free to take the decision of staying or leaving, but he also knows which are the consequences of both decisions.

The thing is... every time there’s something out like this, people get desperate for the idea of OT5 to end. And sincerely... it’s selfish. Selfish because people treat OT5 as the whole devotion of their lives, when anything can happen in the future. SHINee members have state lots, lots, lots of times they want to remain together and that’s sweet, because you can notice they truly want to work together for many more years, but whatever happens, they owe nothing to anyone. Right now, even if the mood isn’t the best, SHINee wants to be SHINee. Trust them, because they want to. But also respect them if, someday, not next year but maybe in another time of the future, they want to give an end to SHINee. They know better than anyone else what SHINee means for everybody. So please... just have some serious thoughts about this and stop with the pessimistic stuff. It doesn’t make sense. And this is the only opinion I’ll give about this.

[bootypopper]

The 2nd December 2017 I had a terrible dream, or should I say nightmare. I don't remember most of it but close to its end; I am depressed, I hear about a trend of kids inhaling candle fumes and then dying suddenly. I then see a candle and without thinking I am over it and quickly inhale its fumes. Immediately, I slump into the ground, face down, and I feel my whole body become numb. As if my soul is slowly leaving my body. At that moment I felt a slight relief, but then I am consumed with regret as I see my mother plead and scream "No!No!Please NO!". I couldn't move and there was no turning back. I was dying. When I woke up, I felt more determined than ever to stay alive, to live my life to the fullest and never EVER place my mother in such position.  Now its Monday, 18th of December 2017 and I find out that a great artist and influencer of my life ended his life after struggling with his battle against depression. Kim JongHyun passed after inhaling fumes from a burnt brisket, consequently suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning. Like myself, fans and individuals all over the world were caught in disbelief and surprise to have lost such an amazing person to mental illness.  I spent my day remembering how Jonghyun impacted my life. I remembered being introduced to Kpop by my high school friends with Shinee's 'Ring Ding Dong' music video. It was all new to me. I probably commented how Jonghyun resembled a girl with his longish blond hair. That was the beginning of a whole new perpective. Thanks to that perfectly sounding "Babay~" I was interested and that interest only grew and developed to this wonderful love I have for Kpop and Korean culture as a whole.  I remembered getting my first taste of Korean reality shows through Shinee's 'Hello Baby'. I remembered wainting hours infront of Abbey Road Studios back in 2011 to get a glimpse of Onew, Key, Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin in British soil. I remembered how much my young brother loved the Ring Ding Dong song and how hard he danced to it during his Christening/Birthday party, making everyone so happy.  I must say that over the years I developed my own problems with depression. During that time I distanced myself from everything and everyone; friends, family, music, work, school, life. I chose not to be positively influenced by Jonghyun's or any other artist's work. I broke myself down and refused to set a new foundation. I was a lost soul and I accepted my end.  31st December 2016 I took a bunch of Anadin Extra packs I had at home and put then in my handbag. I had planned to leave the house, travel as far as I could and then consume them all in one go. I was on the hedge that day and an unnecessary argument with my mum resulted in me leaving the house suddenly with nothing but my coat, phone and debit card. I was so triggered but I couldn't do anything. I had left my bag at home. I contemplated suicide for so long before, that on the day I planned to die I could only think about the aftermath. How will they react when they find out? How will it affect them in the long term? I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm just sick of how useless I am. They'll be better off without me. They won't have to see how pathetic I look anymore. All I do is bring pain and disappoint. I don't deserve their love. I wondered around for hours and entered 2017 on my own ...in the middle of a bunch of strangers, watching the London fireworks. I can't remember what I was thinking at that time, but I guess I had given myself another chance. I know exactly how Jonghyun felt. It's the worst feeling of hopelessness you could ever have and it's all consuming. The truth is that I will never get over my depression but I will not allow it to get me to were I was the afternoon of New Years eve 2016 or the day I didn't go to school and sent a 'help me' letter to my teacher. I am still young and I have soooo much to give and receive. I am a special human being and I will bring hope and joy to you who may be experiencing the despair Jonghyun and I felt. I keep surviving and he remains alive through his music, craft, advice and countless memories. You too are strong and will continue to spread endless positivity in this beautiful Shinee world. You can do it. Earlier I posted: Jonghyun was one of those entertainers that exuded such happiness and positivity that you could hardly imagine him going through such hard times. I too considered myself to be a happy person and I'm sure my friends and family felt the same. Unfortunately, I let myself go and all of a sudden I lost all interest in life. If you don't understand that feeling, consider yourself a very lucky person and pray to never EVER feel that way. I could have been in his position at the beginning of this year and I am proud and extremely glad that I am  still here, today, looking forwards to another year. If you feel the slightest depressed, do not hold on to that feeling. Let it go. Speak to someone, anyone. Send me a message if you want. I may be a stranger but what I have to say may help you live another day. We failed Jonghyun but there are a lot more souls out there that need saving. I admit that this news is a trigger for me, although I only saw him through the eyes of a fan, it is extremely unfortunate that I now feel closest to him by knowing exactly how he felt in his last moments. I am crying but I don't grieve this Star with sadness, despite the unknown, Jonghyun brought lot of hope and joy to many of us along his short life. I Thank God for bringing such an individual to our lives and I wish that Kim Jong Hyun Rests In Pure Peace in Shinee World. His final letter read: I’m broken on the inside. The depression that slowly gnawed away at me eventually devoured me. I couldn’t overcome it. I hated myself. I resolved to hold on to memories and shouted at myself to come to my senses, but there was no answer. If there is no way to relieve stifling breath, it’s better to just stop. I asked who can be responsible for me. It’s only you. I was utterly alone. It’s easy to say you’re going to end things. It’s hard to actually end things. I lived with that difficulty this whole time. You told me that I wanted to escape. That’s right. I wanted to escape. From me. From you. You asked who is over there. I said it was me. I said it was me again. And I said it was me again. I asked why I keep forgetting my memories. You told me it was because of my personality. I see. I see that everything is my fault in the end. I hoped that people would notice but nobody knew. You never met me so of course you would not know I was there. You asked why I live. Just because. Just because. Everyone just lives just because. If you ask why people die, they would probably say it’s because they’re exhausted. I suffered and agonized about it. I never learned how to turn this pain into happiness. Pain is just pain. I tried to push myself past it. Why? Why am I keeping myself from putting an end to it all? I was told to search for the reason why it hurts. I know all too well. I’m hurting because of me. It’s all my fault, because I was born this way. Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No. I didn’t do anything wrong. When you told me in that calm voice that it’s because of my personality, I thought how easy it must be to be a doctor. It’s almost fascinating, that it hurts this much. People that have it harder than me seem to get along just fine. People weaker than me get along just fine. But that must not be true. Among the people in this world, no one has it harder than me, and no one is weaker than me. But I still tried to live. I asked myself why I had to do so hundreds of times, and it was never for me. It was for you. I wanted to do something for me. Please stop telling me things you don’t understand. You tell me to figure out why I’m having a hard time. I told you several times why. Am I not allowed to be this sad just for those reasons? Does it have to be more specific and dramatic? Do I need to have better reasons? I already told you. Were you even listening? Things you can overcome don’t remain as scars. I guess I was not meant to confront the world. I guess I was not meant to lead a life in the public eye. That’s why it was hard. Confronting the world, and being in the public eye. Why did I make those decisions. It’s ridiculous. It’s great that I even made it this far. What more can I say. Just tell me I did well. Tell me I did well enough and that I went through a lot. Even if you can’t smile while sending me off, don’t say it’s my fault. You did well. You really went through a lot. Goodbye.

[taeminuet]

Heartbeat (18/?)

Title: Heartbeat Fandom: SHINee Pairings: Jongtae; Minkey; OnKai Chapter Wordcount: 2.5k Overall Rating: R (Some chapters will be NC-17; these will be marked.) Chapter Warnings: mentions of past abuse, mentions of previous underage sex, vaguely dubious consent,  Summary: In which not every problem needs to be fixed and not every person needs to be saved; sometimes you just need support.

-

1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 7.5 , 8 , 9 , 10 , 11 , 12 , 13 , 14 , 15 , 16 , 17

Chapter 18: Taemin

It startles Taemin, somehow, when the sun begins to rise outside the window and Jonghyun is still there, arm draped over Taemin and holding him close. Taemin hasn’t slept, has spent most of the night drifting, watching Jonghyun sleep. He’s jealous, a little, but it’s not fair of him to be jealous when sleeping is something most people do, so he pushes it aside and ignores it, just stroking Jonghyun’s hair, even though he probably doesn’t feel it anyways.

The motion is honestly as much for Taemin as Jonghyun, maybe more. It’s soothing, slightly hypnotic, and trying to do it gently enough not to bother Jonghyun gives him something to focus on instead of his own thoughts. Jonghyun is easy to focus on. He’s gorgeous, and Taemin can’t even be upset with himself for falling so easily into Jonghyun’s arms. It’s attraction pure and simple.

But it’s not his physical features that are worrying. What worries him is that he has no idea at all what he’s feeling. He likes Jonghyun, sure. And it’s definitely not love or anything like that – god, no. Taemin’s not trusting enough to fall for someone like that after just a few days. But Jonghyun makes him feel… something. It’s an intensity that Taemin doesn’t know how to balance – Jonghyun terrifies him and makes him feel safe all at once. And Taemin doesn’t know what to do with that, doesn’t know how he’s going to handle Jonghyun’s outbursts, but the thing is, he’s already planning to, already trying to figure it out.

Because as scary as it is, Taemin doesn’t want to lose Jonghyun. He doesn’t want to lose that safety, lose that sense of someone caring, of understanding, maybe.

He doesn’t want to be alone, and if nothing else, Jonghyun is doing a damn good job of making sure that happens. But there’s always that fear of it not being Jonghyun’s choice. Of his dad showing up and taking him away, pulling them apart.

Taemin knows that there are security measures in place here, that no one can get in to see him without his say-so; only Jongin has that permission. Jongin and… well, Taemin is going to have to rescind Taesun’s, the sting of that betrayal sharp. Taemin doesn’t know why. Taesun is a distant figure in his life, but he’s the only thing Taemin has had of his family in… well, ever.

And now that’s gone, and Taemin is fumbling in the dark. So maybe this is a bad time for him to be making decisions, but when is it not? Taemin can’t even begin to fathom a point in his life where he doesn’t have to worry that his father is going to show up at his door and wrap his hands around Taemin’s throat. Or worse, Jonghyun’s.

He always acted like he was trying to teach Taemin a lesson, and that would be the one that got through – to take away Taemin’s sense of safety and to remind Taemin that he wasn’t allowed to care about someone like Jonghyun, all in one go.

And damn him, but Taemin… he does care.

Enough that he lets Jonghyun sleep instead of waking him when the next bout of insecurity hits. He’s safe here, he reminds himself. But he can’t sit still, and he has to peel himself out of bed, has to do something.

Behind him, Jonghyun makes a sleepy, unhappy little noise, rolling into the empty space Taemin leaves behind. And Taemin isn’t going far, just to the bathroom, but Jonghyun shifts and twitches, like he can’t seem to get comfortable.

Taemin sighs and drifts and brushes Jonghyun’s hair away from his forehead gently. “Sleep, Jonghyun,” he whispers, and Jonghyun shudders for a moment and then settles, breathing unevenly against the pillow. Taemin frowns. “It’s just a dream.”

Jonghyun doesn’t wake up, and Taemin lets him rest, wandering into the bathroom. He had a shower just yesterday evening, but he feels oddly unclean after finding out about his dad, and he takes a shower, letting the water wash over him, pounding against his shoulders like a massage. He relaxes slowly, tension going out of him, and he leans against the wall for a moment, closing his eyes and thinking intently about nothing.

From the other room, he hears a small cry and his spine goes taught. He stumbles out of the shower, not even turning off the water, just wrapping a towel around his waist and bolting, fingers catching at the doorframe to keep him from literally falling into the main room. He jerks his head around, trying to find what’s wrong, trying to find out what he needs to hide from.

But there’s nothing. The room is quiet; the door is shut. The only light is from the window, the soft morning light casting shadows across Jonghyun’s back, highlighting tattoos and making them seem strangely textures in a way they shouldn’t be, slightly raised from Jonghyun’s skin in a way that Taemin is pretty sure tattoos shouldn’t be.

But it’s hard to be worried about that when Jonghyun is shaking, trembling in the bed. He’s curled in on himself, tucked into a protective ball. Taemin takes a tentative step closer. “Jonghyun…”

Jonghyun whimpers softly, no longer crying out, but his face is contorted, brows furrowed and teeth grinding into his lower lip. He jerks and thrashes a little, flailing out wildly, not trying to hit but trying to grab for something.

“Jonghyun, hey,” Taemin whispers, stepping even closer. “It’s not real. It’s okay. Jonghyunnie…”

He reaches out, brushing Jonghyun’s hair back away from his face, and the cry Jonghyun lets out is broken, pathetic wail of pain. Taemin’s heart clenches and he leans down and – he wants to help. He does. And it’s not hypocritical when he knows how much Jonghyun wants – presses a kiss to Jonghyun’s lips, slow and soft.

For a moment, Jonghyun doesn’t respond, mouth slack, and then he lets out a quiet sob and starts to respond too eagerly, arms coming up around Taemin’s shoulders, the pads of his fingers scrabbling weakly at Taemin’s back.

“Please,” he whimpers when Taemin pulls away. “Please, please, please, I’m good, I’ll be good, let me touch, let me– touch me, please, let– I… I’ll be good, I– please.”

He doesn’t sound good. He doesn’t sound like he wants this, he just sounds broken and terrified and desperate.

He’s pressing up into him, and his fingers pull frantically at Taemin’s shoulders trying to tug him back in as he shakes. His eyes open, but he doesn’t seem to be seeing. Not Taemin, at least. Whatever he’s seeing, it’s very far away. Whether that’s in distance or in time, Taemin has no idea. How could he?

“Jonghyunnie,” Taemin whispers, and Jonghyun lets out a weak sob.

He goes limp, all at once, willing and pliant, only his hands still tugging at Taemin. “Please. Please, I have to– I need…”

“Jonghyun, I–” Taemin starts, and Jonghyun lets out a quiet noise of pain, hands falling away, tugging into himself. His breathing is rapid, panicked, and he’s opening and closing his mouth, wordless and wild-eyed. “Jonghyunnie, shh, shh, okay. Okay. I’ll help you, just… just focus on me.”

Taemin has no idea if Jonghyun had heard him or not, but Jonghyun moans before Taemin has even touched him, reaching for him like he’s drowning and Taemin is the only possible relief he can find. Taemin kisses him, and Jonghyun whines, wriggling and arching up like he’s starving for contact.

Jonghyun doesn’t seem in his head, in his right mind, but he’s also too far gone, and Taemin doesn’t know what to do for him except to give him what he’s asking for. He understands now why Jonghyun has Jinki, why their relationship is what it is – Taemin is afraid to ask what would happen if he didn’t have someone, if he had to find some stranger.

Taemin feels suddenly sick.

“Jonghyunnie, it’s okay. Just… you’re good. You’re so good. Just listen to me okay? I’m here. I’m– if you’re here for me, I’m here for you. It’s okay.”

He reaches down slowly. It’s not to drag it out, not to try and make it any better than it is. It’s just that Taemin can’t help but feel sad about this, about the way he’s slipping his fingers into Jonghyun’s pants and finding him already half-hard.

Jonghyun moans and whimpers and it’s so pretty but it doesn’t feel nice. Jonghyun shivers under him and Taemin wants more, wants Jonghyun to feel good and make him feel good, but he wants it to be like last time, to be them. Right now, Taemin isn’t sure how much of Jonghyun is here.

Jonghyun comes fast, shuddering and whining, and then he curls in on himself sobbing weakly. After a moment, Taemin makes out, “Fuck. Fuck, god, I’m– I’m sorry. Shit.”

“Jonghyun,” Taemin says, pulling his hand away and wiping it off on the towel still around his waist. “Jonghyun, are you… is this something else you can’t talk about yet?”

“I– I don’t–” Jonghyun shudders weakly and Taemin can see that he’s crying now, tears welling into the pillow.

Taemin winces and climbs into the bed, rubbing a hand as comfortingly as he can down Jonghyun’s arm. “It’s okay,” he mumbles. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You can cry. I’m not gonna judge you.”

Jonghyun makes an exhausted, sad noise. Taemin realizes, a moment later than he’s entirely comfortable with, that that was the extent of Jonghyun attempting to laugh right now. It’s broken and choked and Jonghyun shakes vaguely under Taemin’s touch for minutes longer before he finally subsides, and then he’s burying his face in the pillow and groaning miserably.

Taemin frowns, biting his lip. “Jonghyun…”

“I– I’m okay. Fuck, I didn’t mean to get like that. I wasn’t expecting…” Jonghyun exhales noisily. “S’why Jinki won’t sleep the night with me. In case Onew wakes up to… to that.”

“Oh,” Taemin breathes, and then, “Are you okay? Or… going to be okay?”

And the look Jonghyun gives him is so confused, so bewildered, like no one has ever asked him that after this before. “As okay as I ever am,” he says, and it sounds like it should be a joke, but Taemin can tell from the tone of his voice that it’s not. At all. “I’m– fuck. If I thought I’d get like that…”

“I would have asked you to stay anyways,” Taemin says. “Jong, it’s okay. I– look, that was… I didn’t…” Taemin hisses out helplessly through his teeth. “That was scary, but not because I was scared for me. I was worried for you. That… how often do you have to deal with that? Is it always–”

“No, no. Not always,” he interrupts, shaking his head. “Sometimes– a lot of times, it’s like with you. Or with Jinki. Or it’s just sex. That’s– fuck. I can’t… Tae…”

And it hurts a little. Taemin still wants to know, to understand. But he knows better than to push now, so he just nods. “I left the shower on,” he says. “Do you want to get one?”

Jonghyun looks down at himself. Where Taemin had jerked him off, his pants are damp and gross, and Jonghyun sighs shakily. “I… should,” he says, but he doesn’t move. After a moment he bites his lips together. “I– did you finish–”

Taemin furrows his brow for a moment, horrified by the thought that Jonghyun wants to get him off after that. Taemin doesn’t think he could even remotely get turned on right now, not after that.

But he takes a look at the expression on Jonghyun’s face and it most looks pleading and lost and… lonely? Abandoned, maybe.

Taemin realizes. “The shower?”

Jonghyun nods. “Yeah. I didn’t know if…”

“No, I didn’t– I heard you out here and I got scared. I left without finishing. If you want me to take one with you?”

Because that had gone so well yesterday. But they’re trying to figure this out, and they’ve… they’ve been through a lot. It’s only been a day, but it’s been a long day.

Taemin helps Jonghyun into the bathroom and out of his clothes, and he can trace the beginning of the bruising around the bite mark on Jonghyun’s shoulder. He knows that the marks on his neck are probably still there, stark and pink. It’s frightening, in it’s own way, how little time they’ve had and how long it seems.

“I… you don’t have to,” Jonghyun whispers. It’s not hard to tell he means ‘yes’.

“Come on, lets get you a shower,” Taemin says and pulls Jonghyun into the shower with him. Like last time, he starts washing Jonghyun’s hair, but this time Jonghyun doesn’t go stiff. This time he sinks into the action and suppresses another tiny sob.

“I’ve been having the same dreams for years now,” he says quietly, after a long time. Taemin tries very, very hard not to react, to just keep going, and Jonghyun lets him, his voice quiet, pained. “They… never really got better. I just kept having to find new ways to cope.”

“I’m sorry,” Taemin says, when it becomes clear that Jonghyun doesn’t know where to go from there. “I know that’s kind of a useless thing to say, but… I am.”

Jonghyun laughs, still bitter, but better than earlier. “Jjust… it’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I just… can’t. You’ve always had Jongin, someone to go back to at least. But I lost everything, Tae. I’m so… And I’ve never… and it’s my fault. I messed up so bad, and I couldn’t deal and now I’m… now I’m this.”

“Jonghyun…”

“No,” Jonghyun shakes his head, just a little, not even enough to dislodge Taemin’s fingers. “Just… since I got sick, it’d just been… been what you saw earlier and anyone on earth who would help me get through it. And people who want to fuck a random teenager aren’t people you should be trusting. And it just– it got so much worse, Tae. It kept getting worse and I… I’m this, so who am I to really complain?”

“Jonghyun, no,” Taemin says, and his hands fall away, fall to Jonghyun’s side to turn him, to face him. “Jonghyun, don’t ever think that you deserved whatever whoever it wasn’t did to you. You didn’t deserve…”

“Don’t say that,” Jonghyun whispers. “I know you don’t know, and I know that’s on me, but… don’t say that. Not until you know the full story.”

“Will I ever?” Taemin asks. He doesn’t mean to, but it slips out.

Jonghyun lets out a long sigh, shifting his weight so that he’s pressing his face into Taemin’s shoulder “I… I don’t know, Tae. But when I say it’s personal, please… just, understand that it’s not me not trusting you. It’s… it’s me being a fuck up and not being able to face that.”

Taemin opens his mouth and then closes it. “Whenever you want to tell me, I’ll listen. I will, Jonghyun.”

Jonghyun makes a small, sad noise against his shoulder, but doesn’t say anything else. They stay there, just like that, until the water goes cold.

–

Next Chapter