#i know im tired and irrational okay

[imanimp]

Feeling so suicidal i cant even move

Later ill play some zelda

But its so fucking hard

I really wanna die today

[paging-possum]

Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

[computerpeople]

i hate being me because i finally for once actually fucking open up instead of just vaguely complaining about things and people go wow it sounds like youre dealing with a lot of self esteem issues!! you sound like you hate yourself!! and i go yep. i know. i already knew that. i was aware. and they go you should do something about that!!!! and its like mmhm. yes. i know. if you have any fucking ideas thatd be great

[sunset-unbound]

i feel so fucking upset and i hate that my reaction has to be building a sound argument for the eventuality that i am more irascible than usual because god fucking forbid i have a feeling that manifests in an unpleasant or neutrally unpositive way

[dapper-comedy]

loving this bizarre habit of mine where i pass out at like. 10.30 and then waking up at 2 am and not being able to go back to sleep again

[phagodyke]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

[tubbypeddle]

hii, I'd like a matchup for percy jackson and one piece please! (I'm using the previous person's request as a template sorry)

I’m a 5’9 girl, have brown skin, dark brown eyes, and curly/coily, brown hair. I have an athletic/rectangle-type body. I usually wear jorts/cargos and graphic tees when I feel masc. I love to wear crop tops and shorts when I feel more feminine.

im bisexual with a preference for men

im usually an extrovert on most days, especially with people I know, but sometimes I'm more introverted. i like to push myself to be a better version of me. i love adventuring, but I also enjoy relaxing a lot. i have a creative and active mind and I talk a lot. i love listening and debating on topics I enjoy.

i dislike people who are rude just to be rude/rude because they think its cool. people who give backhanded comments or gossip. i hate feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated, or just feeling tired in general.

irrational fear of heights lol. but really, im scared of not having a good future, and everything going wrong after college.

my hobbies are, reading, traveling, sports, writing, games, and baking

i love hugs and quality time with people I love, whether that be going out or just chilling at home.

what i prefer in a partner is someone who will be there for me when I struggle and feel overwhelmed. someone willing to be there for comfort, but also someone who isn't afraid of communicating their own feelings.

i think that's it, thank you!

okay so. ignore that this took even longer than it normally would.

because.

if you mention it, I might genuinely crash out

anyway.

(author's note: credits to gif owners, I do not own them. again, I literally cannot apologize enough, I am so sorry these are taking so long.)

It's shocking news. To hear that you're a demigod. The child, of a Greek myth.

Yeah right.

But, you suppose it would explain all the strange things that happened to you in your childhood. Apparently all of those myths that Mr. Brunner told you in school were real.

Because your best friend has goat hooves for feet???

He takes you to Camp Half-Blood, which your (apparently) satyr friend says is the only place safe for demigods like you. Almost everyone is shocked to meet you, especially because you're much older

He takes you to the Hermes cabin, where you'll stay until your Godly parent claims you.

And there, you meet

Travis Stoll

Now it may not be obvious at first, but let me explain.

He's one of the two head counselors for the cabin. Him and his brother personally get you situated into Camp life.

Connor finds you fun and polite enough, but it's Travis who has a crush on you.

It's like at first sight with you.

Connor and Travis have rather different types in women they like, which is why I personally see you with Travis more than Connor.

Connor likes girls who are softer. Maybe a little more "delicate". Girls who giggle at his every joke.

Travis likes his girls a little more athletic, of which there is no shortage of in Camp Half-Blood. He likes girls who are strong. Girl where he doesn't have to worry about them being hurt when he isn't around.

At first though, he doesn't even think his crush will go anywhere. He just likes to admire you from afar.

He's much too busy as a year-round Head counselor. Let alone, the replacement head counselor of a camper gone rogue.

The day his crush on you goes somewhere is when he finds you breaking down in a corner of the Hermes cabin. Your godly parent is just taking forever to claim you. You feel unwanted. Abandoned. Alone.

Now, this is nothing new to Travis. It's like a demigod's rite of passage into Camp Half-Blood.

Doesn't make it any easier to see someone else feeling the same way he did once upon a time.

He comforts you as best he can. He lets you scream and cry, or he lets you throw things around, if that's how you handle things.

And when you're done with your crying, he offers ways to get your mind off of it. Sparring, or drawing with you. Reading whatever textbooks the Big House has.

He even tells you about his own experiences with the gods. His own quests he's been on, big or small. He tells you about how his father claimed him. He isn't afraid of being vulnerable with you, even though all of his instincts are yelling at him to be paranoid.

From there, your friendship becomes something more. You find yourself looking for him whenever either of you have free time.

Since you enjoy active activities just as much as quieter ones, it's rather lucky Travis is the one who likes you. He's the same way.

He doesn't read as much, because even though all the books in Camp Half-Blood are written in Greek, he just doesn't like reading. But he'll listen to you read. He likes listening to you read aloud. Or even if you don't want to do that, he'll probably whittle away at a piece of wood while you draw.

His main love languages are quality time and acts of service after all. This is how he shows you he likes you.

It's very lucky that neither of you enjoy gossip. Travis hates rumors and all that what have you. It's a big reason why he doesn't get along with a lot of the Aphrodite kids.

His favorite dates with you are when you two go out and do something active. Preferably when you two can leave the camp. Not far, probably not even out of Manhattan.

He just wants to take you out to do something fun, that will leave memories that the two of you can cherish for a lifetime.

Honorable mentions!

Frank Zhang

You're actually pretty close to his canon romantic interest type. At least, what I'm imagining, based on your description. He also likes quieter activities, while still enjoying more physical things, too. You two would spend a lot of your time together since you enjoy many similar things. I just felt he'd be too obvious of a choice. (and also, he's from Heroes of Olympus, technically, and I didn't know if that's what you were also looking for.)

What a lovely dive into the world of Percy Jackson!

Now, it's time to move on from the world of gods and demigods, and into the world of pirates and giants.

You're sailing the Big Blue. Whether as a pirate or military, doesn't matter.

Either way, it's

Koby

He meets you by chance. Most likely while he's infiltrating a pirate's ship.

He finds you, probably being held hostage. And he rescues you.

He's enamored by you when you two first meet. He finds himself wanting to keep in touch with you after he's rescued you from the pirates, whether or not you are a pirate yourself.

He's proved before that he doesn't care about where you stand on that front. He just wants to hold your hand.

At first, he tries to get your attention by leaving you gifts. Anonymously, of course.

Training under Garp may have given him confidence in himself, but not confidence in his courting skills.

He leaves you little things like seashells he found along the beaches he came across that reminded him of you. Little flowers he came across while patrolling a town. Chocolates, if you're into those.

(He's getting all of his ideas from romance novels)

It takes him a long time to muster the courage to tell you who's leaving you those gifts.

Should you decide to accept him, I promise you that he's a great boyfriend.

He's attentive, and kind, and gives you everything that you want whenever he's able to. (His love languages are gift giving and quality time)

He makes time in his schedule for you. All of his vacation days are used up just for your dates.

He also enjoys just listening to you talk. He enjoys debating with you, just because he likes hearing your opinions and thoughts, even if sometimes he doesn't agree.

Also, he adores your style. Honestly, what someone wears isn't the first thing that catches his attention about people he's attracted to. It's their determination and their willpower that draws him in.

But he thinks you look cute in everything you choose to wear. Whether it be your crop tops and shorts, or your tanks and cargo jeans.

Really, he's just completely enamored by you.

Out of everyone, Koby is probably the most emotionally competent. At least, in the navy, he is. It's not often that you two have arguments. You understand that he does his best to make time for you, and he's very amenable to understanding you and how you work.

So when you two do get into arguments, Koby makes it a point to never raise his voice, no matter how frustrated he gets. He listens to what you have to say and is careful to change his behavior should he find you correct in what you're saying.

Relationships are a lot of work, but it's nothing he's not willing to do.

Honorable mentions!

Luffy

It's not that I thought he was obvious, although it was an obvious choice to me. It's that I think he might not be able to sit down for too long to have those long kinds of conversations that you seem to love. He's too hyper, he has to be doing something always. (and also he'd eat all your food)

I hope you enjoyed it 🥺

[bengiyo]

Step by Step Ep 12 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Last week on HR violations, Jeng faced the weight of the homophobia on the board of the company and apologized for inconveniencing them with his queerness. He convinced Pat to stick around and commit to the proposed test of their project and joined the new bubble at work of all of the people who know about them and support them. Though they were required to complete this ad campaign with no money, they used Ying’s skills as a fic writer and Pat’s former relationship with Put to pull off the campaign. Put was also forced to essentially closet himself and play up his fake relationship with his costar. Jaab and Jen are a hot mess, because now Jen is all the way in Japan. Unfortunately, Jeng blew it and used his own money for ads, undercutting Pat’s success. Pat, understandably furious, has broken up with Jeng and left Jian Group. Jeng fell right into his dad’s trap.

Two years later? The girlies are going to riot.

Okay, I love that they formed their own team, and also that the Wi-Fi password is so easily compromised.

So Pat, Ae, and Chot run a successful ad company together, and are about to compete with Jian Group for the Fjord contract. I am excited.

New Intro song in the finale??

I’m with Chot. I don’t care about all this other gay drama. I wanna qiqi with my former work besties if we are at an event together.

I love Chot and Nan so much it makes me feel silly. Chot has to rush off because he knows Pat and Jeng are gonna mess each other up again.

I know meeting Jeng is a stressful situation, but Pat didn’t wash his hands!!!

I get Pat’s stress. The entire problem with Jeng was about Jeng flirting through work. I’m totally with Pat on not accepting overtures that are tied to work.

Damn, Jaab ain’t have to cut his brother like that, comparing his behavior with Pat to their dad’s with Jeng.

I’m enjoying the cross-cutting on the different pitches.

Oh shit, Pat is bitter bitter.

Okay, I’m with Tae. He extended the correct professional courtesy by offering the karaoke night ad campaign to Pat’s company. It’s not his fault that Pat always suspects Jeng of trying to manipulate them into contact.

My man is eating sad noodles and chicken!!!

Chot realized things were bad enough that he called in Pat’s dad.

Ying is now a successful BL writer. OMG.

I feel so bad for Pat. He’s right that Jeng’s presence brings into question any accomplishments he had. Sure they got the Forge account, but Pat can’t be sure that Jeng wasn’t involved somehow. It’s really sad that Jeng perverts acts of service as a love language.

I am still with Tae. My dude said he is tired of these two sucking all the life out of the room. They need to grill this beef and eat it.

My current sexuality is Pat in these blue jeans and this oversized black shirt with a slutty amount of chest showing.

I love when people write and delete messages in modern dramas. That’s so real.

I just know Up suggested he dance.

GOOD NEWS! Chot and his man are still together!

Shrimp nuggets?? I’m gonna McFuckinLoseIt.

Up Poompat is so goddamn pretty. Holy shit.

Sometimes the only person who can really kick you out of your romantic shit is your ex.

Karaoke emotional processing? Bracing.

I’m feeling a bit mixed on the kitchen reconciliation. I don’t think Pat should apologize about being irrational, but I can accept that ghosting Jeng may have felt like too much. Overall, I’m okay with them recognizing that they’re still stuck on each other and want to sort that out. Im okay with them taking it slowly.

I respect the dad for leaving to give them space to work this out.

Jeng traveled with that porridge. How is it so hot? Or did they just throw it in a microwave?

Oh, roleplaying a new first meeting is kind of cute.

He wore all blue to quit his job. I’m so glad this man finally quit his job.

I want some green curry now, too.

Very excited to meet Jeng’s mom. She has two queer sons. She has stories.

So if Pat started this show at 25, turned 26, broke up with Jeng, and now it’s been two years, Pat should be 29, right?

I am with Pat. It hurts to be called your partner’s friend, especially when they know.

So they really had Jeng cover his lips in white icing and then kiss Pat.

Okay so the rest of that was wind down.

Final Verdict: 7.5, Recommend for Fans of Queer Cinema. Despite how much I enjoy the characters and the performances, none of the elements of this show fully connect for me into something greater than the sum of their parts, and I feel like we had to work far too hard to understand the intent of much of it. In many ways it has the opposite problem of A Boss and a Babe, which cared more about character moments than big thematic ideas. This show cares a lot about its ideas about queer people in the workplace, but struggled to use its queer characters to elegantly express them.

[idontreadtherules]

TW(?): themes of self destruction, chronic pain and venting

Ykw, the thing about pain is it doesn’t just “get better.” Fuck no. It moves in, sets up shop, settles into every nerve, every thought until its not just a feeling anymore, it’s the background noise of ur life.

Ive gotten to a point where happiness feels like a trap because the minute I think maybe, just maybe, something good might last I feel that sting of foreboding.

And you know what? self-destruction doesn’t look so irrational anymore. The pain never stops, and I feel like theres this sick kind of relief in tearing things down yourself. like beating the world to the punch. You think ah maybe if you can just ruin things on your own terms, you’ll take back some control. But that’s a lie too isnt it. The pain’s smarter than that cuz its already two steps ahead, feeding on every ounce of anger, every moment you try to fight it. It wants you broken.

And I’m tired. Tired of the weight, tired of pretending that tomorrows going to be different. The world keeps throwing “hope” at me, like Im supposed to reach for it, but all I see is a shiny package with nothing inside. The pain is so fucking real, the rest of it happiness, peace that’s the lie. And maybe I’m okay with that. Maybe, if destruction is all Ive got left, at least its mine.

[cornerdreams-txt]

its my birthday today!! 🎉

have some post-canon harsec content in celebration because im brainrotting about them today

— david gets a leaf tattoo that bears a mighty high resemblance to the leaf shape in harper's sleeve at one point. it's over his heart. he's sappy and he knows it - harper doesn't find out until david accidentally gets drenched by the garden hose one day and he just takes off his shirt on the spot

— swimming and being submerged in water helps with harper's joint pain when his leg really starts bothering him. david wasn't ever really a HUGE fan of swimming, but for harper, he comes to enjoy it more, and will even keep them both afloat so harper can rest in deeper water if he gets tired or if his leg starts hurting.

— harper burns like a motherfucker, and no amount of sunscreen seems to save him, so he refuses to wear sunscreen, which makes his burns worse. woods drilled a habit of always using sunscreen into david when he was younger, so while harper burns like a marshmallow plunged into open flame, david only sometimes slightly burns or otherwise gets a mild tan, and laughs at him for it.

"you know your sunburn wouldn't be so bad if you wore sunscreen right." "shut the fuck up, i swear to fucking god-" (sound of david laughing at harper being bitter and sulky)

— harper learns Very quickly that david is a sleepy bitch and loves naps. however, he doesnt mind, because david curling up on the couch in his clothes, or sleeping on his shoulder, or falling asleep on his chest - well. he's cute, okay? maybe its not so bad.

— "hey mike" "what" "we should get a cat :)" "ABSOLUTELY NOT"

harper has an irrational fear of cats. he doesn't know why. hes just terrified of them. david is saddened by this and wants a cat. they settle on a dog instead as a compromise.

[strangewiggles]

another bertie (and micky) post but its not lyrics this time.

long bertie character thoughts post. very long. very gibberish.

[ EDIT NOTE: dont take this post insanely seriously or extremely canon or anything, its late and im tired and when i do character speculations they’re usually word salad in the vague form of a real point. ]

i kind of wonder how self-aware bertie is? or if she ever grows into being fully self aware?

i realized recently, after making a sketch comic (which i wanna color and post at some point) about bertie as a kid, that bertie (as an adult) can hardly take care of herself. she definitely lacks a huge chunk of self awareness that a normal adult would have.

i wouldnt say she’s essentially a big adult baby or anything, she’s actually fairly intelligent…she’s got book smarts. she’s an econ major and enjoys math to some extent. she did well in school growing up. all that.

but she doesn’t know how to … be a person. she’s 1 of 2 kids, 10 years younger than her sister. her parents, expecting bertie to jusr be a fully grown adult out of the womb, treat her like an idiot, way into adulthood (resulting in bertie going to college around 22. close to when micky started, but for different reasons). but they dont teach her anything. she should just know.

in the aforementioned sketch comic, little bertie (approx. 10 years old), makes dinner for herself while the rest of her family is god-knows-where. she learned to make a pot of spaghetti from watching her mom do it, and ultimately fails, despite telling her sister over the phone that she didn’t. even as a young kid, in this comic bertie is very aware of how her family thinks of her. they give up on her easily.

she needs to know how to do the task. immediately. correctly. independently.

ADDITIONALLY, bertie’s family leaves her alone as a kid very, very often. it definitely toes the line of neglect, if not going totally over it. aside from learning how to do things by observing, a lot of times she straight up had to guess.

and, yknow, thats not to say her relationship with her family is bad. she loves them. but being 10 while your sibling is 20 is a hard thing to live up to with these standards her parents have.

it internalizes.

…this lack of “adulting” knowledge makes her a bit of a …slob. unintentionally. she does what she can, like she doesn’t trash micky’s apartment, but she has a hard time consistently cleaning or doing chores. knowing when or how to do them. (not to say shes TOTALLY INCOMPETENT. but she has to teach herself how to do things. the right way. everything mentioned before has made her a very proud and independent person.) …which is why she kinda works as a roommate to someone whos attached to her. Micky. micky is okay with picking up after her and doing things for her. cooking and such. which, i think, can contribute to any current (while w micky) lack of self awareness. this never poses a problem unless bertie tries to do something on her own and micky tries to help, causing bertie to act out, (wrongfully)accusing micky of thinking she’s dumb. most of the time, though, i can see bertie purposefully neglecting to help out of embarrassment.

…but how does this work EMOTIONALLY. emotional self-awareness. or even just general emotional awareness. does she know when she’s being irrational? does she know when she hurts someone else’s (micky’s) feelings? how often?

i wrote down once that bertie probably notices when she’s being a dick ‘most of the time’…just very belated. she believes there’s a time limit on apologies, which results in her not apologizing ‘most of the time.’

but it’s not only apologies..

its this panel that made me think “how self aware is she? when? how consistently?” in the moment of me drawing this, her hand framed here was just her fidgeting, or she wasn’t even really supposed to actively be thinking about her hands. reflecting back, now im just thinking about the claws and the positioning. is bertie aware of her claws here? is this a display of her being “bad to be around”? does bertie think that her and micky being around eachother is bad for the both of them, or does she think that her being around micky is bad for micky? is bertie are that she’s at fault? when did she realize?

“well jesse you wrote the damn thing so—” WELL I ONLY JUST THOUGHT ABOUT IT OKAY.

originally i just wanted bertie to make terms with the fact that her relationship with micky was dysfunctional. right there in that moment. in am’s car. i think she knew, partially, when she micky suggested that she move out, but didn’t realize her part in it so much. it took things getting VERY bad before she realized things were… bad!

it definitely took her months to make this observation:

(the addition of “i think…” was very intentional here to show bertie’s lack of… any general awareness)

ive written that bertie is… unaware of how far micky’s mental issues go for a long time. she still doesn’t completely get it, or her part in it. she doesn’t ever — to me, anyway — fully realize how much her actions effect micky.

i think im rambling a little and this post HAARDLY makes sense, its 2 am, so ill try to answer my own questions so i can stop typing this already because my earbuds are dying.

i want to leave bertie’s amount of self-awareness fluid, but still slim. i personally think (and i definitely want to write it in a way where anyone can make their own interpretations of her) that bertie is aware of her incapabilities as they become immediately apparent to her. it takes things getting bad before she’s aware of her own mental state and that of the people around her. things need to be obvious to her before she realizes. but MAYBE. maybe. she’s in a constant state of denial. her character, as previously mentioned, is very proud. snippy. i think she can deny reality so hard that it doesnt exist to her. its easy when she parties, gets drunk, high. i think reality is whatever she needs it to be.

…i also think this post is also kinda gibberish. enjoy

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[chicspo]

a random rant about the fear of aging: okay so everyone knows all humans age we have birthdays every year but on social media ive heard so many women/girls rant about how scared they are turning 30. i think it has to do with society telling women their "expired" after 25, their biological clock is running out they need to get married have children asap those bs which is so absurd. i also used to worry about aging but now im extremely over it- i think what most people think is they age faster when their in their 30s 40s. okay so for example people will think the person who u are when u were 22 to the person u are when ur 28 will be drastically different ( in terms of maturity etc ) but i think people dont view 32 to 38 that way if u get what i mean. its thats i think people seem to view their 30s and 40s differently as if you completely stopped growing as a person. an example of ppl viewing it that way is that most people view med school or the process of becoming a doctor a waste of time ( esp girls my age ) just because it takes a long time and i can understand obviously its not for everyone because the process is like HELL but ive had friends who want to pursue that route but they chose not to because they view it like wasting ur 20s again i understand but the reason why they view it that way makes me sad. i feel like our current social media age has failed women esp bc most tiktok rich succesful influencers are in their extremely early 20s living life having fun and being extremely wealthy. coming from a teenage girl whos in highschool this is one of the worst things the new tiktok era has done i remember in the 2000s even in movies and actresses they were all in their mid 30s to even 50s yet they were all so beautiful and succesful and no on even cared about their age

all this talk about women expiring after 30 comes from teenagers. ask any person in their 30s or 40s and they'll tell u they feel the hottest they've ever been. both physically and mentally. theres this idea of having to have ur life set up before ur 30, family career etc. which is just wrong. people above 30 still do the same things they did in their 20s. they're still getting to know themselves. there's no clock ticking. and the pressure on women to look so young or saying women dont look young after 30 or 40 is pure marketing for cosmetic procedures. women above 50 still look amazing. truthfully. someone who takes care of themselves and has good genetics will look good even when theyre 70. these topics have tired themselves out so deeply that people just keep reciting them over and over again. whats the point in instilling some irrational unreal fear into a teenage girls head. life goes on after 30, it may start only after 30 honestly so don't worry

[suckmybigtoeoikawa]

I don’t usually make requests and I hope your not too busy or that this rest bothers you, but could you maybe make Jesse (4*Town) fic inspired the lyrics or Me and your Mama as angst or if that makes you uncomfortable ( or you simply prefer the other option), a Jesse fic inspired by the Lyric of See you again by Tyler the creator?

OK PLEASE I HAVENT EVEN LOOKED IN MY INBOX, IM JUS NOW SEEING THIS!!

@skiedrr

See you again

“will I ever see you again?” “I don’t know y/n”

Jesse enjoys having your around.. he swear he does. he takes you on trips, he introduced you to his kids, you even got to meet 4town, his mom, dad and even his girlfriend. Although he loves you, he can’t help but admit he loves his actual girlfriend too. He’s made it very clear to you (without him actually saying) that you’re the bottom bitch, and you just have to deal with it.

Don’t get me wrong he enjoys your company.. He truly does but whenever you ask him to break up the the so called girlfriend he actually “loves”, he just gets defensive and retaliates. It’s as if he’s almost tries to blame you for being with him, while he has a girlfriend. And usually when you do get into arguments about the girlfriend, it’s loud and fiery and goes in this cycle: argue, apologize, sex. It’s been like this for about..like.. 2 years.

“i just don’t understand, Jesse”

“what do you mean?”

“I don’t understand why you’re still with mina”

this same argument again. Jesse even knows the cycle by now and he’s just ready to fuck and get this over with.

“Babe please can we not do this right now.”

“No, please, i’ve been asking for so long now and you don’t give me a straight forward answer”

he just looks at you. nothing to say. nothing.

“let’s not do this right now, babe”, he says with his voice getting sterner.

You guys just came back from a dinner date, and while you were there some fans came by asking about mina. Immediately you were hurt, you often felt like mina was prettier than you, and it hurt to see Jesse trying to hide you like he was ashamed of you. Didn’t he love you more?

“Jesse-”

“y/n can we please just not, we’ve already had a good time out already, and you wanna just ruin it with some random bullshit. cut it out.”

there he go talking to you like you’re one of his kids.

“Jesse, im not even asking for much..”

“but you are.. what’s happening between us and mina is complicated, okay? he says emphasize you and him “And I don’t feel like dealing with this right now, baby, can we please just do something else”

you’re feeling so guilty about arguing with him right now. He often emphasized how tired he was between his job and his kids, the last thing you wanted to be was a burden. but isn’t there enough time to have this conversation? isn’t it worth it?

“No i want to solve this, right now. I’ve known you for way to long for—” mid sentence he began to walk off into his bedroom. “Jesse, where the fuck are you going i’m talking to you!”. He just says nothing. “Jesse what happened, im just tired of wondering when you gonna call me back, or let me know when you’re thinking about me, do you even understand how that feels?!”

you find him seated at the foot of the bed hunched over with his hands on his face. “Y/N, if you want to bitch and moan you can leave”

…

“jesse..”

“y/n..you can leave and not call me back”

“jesse, no.. this is irrational of you.. this doesn’t make any sense”

“y/n, if you honestly feel the way you feel right now.. then just leave.. right now” he shrugs as if it was simple, as if he hasn’t marked and changed 2 years of your life. “y/n you’re just simply asking for a lot right now as if I haven’t been risking my reputation for you”

“what do you mean i’m-i’m just trying to understand you..” you’re holding back tears and slowly raising your voice “ i knew you.. i know you, you’ve been so distant from me and you’ve been hiding me and fucking using me.. all i’m asking from you is to open up..”

“y/n, please.”

“please i love you.. you know me”

“stop with that I love you shit.. okay”

at this point you’re crying. everything hurts. all of the times ans moments you’ve shared with each other werent truely werent significant enough in his eyes. you still ended up in his bed later that night but the mind numbing ideas and beliefs about wanting to know him more and have this meaningless sex turn into a beautiful relationship plagued your mind. because hell, Jesse was your dream dude. But at some point you need to wake up and realize, that you were the bottom bitch that wanted more.. and truth be told what did you expect? Love was not an option for you and Jesse no matter how many times this nigga crossed your mind.

***

ion even write angst , soooo if this isn’t the best MBBB 🤭🤭

and they way this took me eons to respond back to

[miss444world]

.

today has rly been the worst day ive had mentally in a bit and its so ridiculous bc nothing like. horribly bad has happened. and yet im caught in this spiral where im convinced everyone i know hates me and does not care about me and im just. so tired of everything . i wish i had normal emotions and the ability to calm myself down but i just dont know how . things have been bad in my head since i woke up today and i dont even know how to describe whats happening i just want a hug and to be told im okay and just. Something that isnt me alone with my thoughts for five minutes

and i wish i had a way to be distracted or cope that doesnt have to be dictated by whatever im fixated on at any given time . hard for ppl to know im struggling and want any kind of reassurance if all i can seem to talk about without crying is some stupid youtube channel or anime (not stupid… just frustrated with myself)

edit: logically i know i am irrational and my friends and bf dont hate me at all but i am so overwhelmed with guilt about the smallest things i do that i myself perceive to be rude after the fact (while no one else thinks i am rude to my knowledge) and it makes me just. talk and talk and talk whenever i try to discuss anything going on in my head because im scared of being mean somehow and the person im talking to leaving and not talking to me again (thanks to my mother who freaks the fuck out at even the slightest implication i think shes wrong or not being nice about something) . i wish my brain and emotions were normal

edit 2: i feel like a failure in every way imaginable and it is hitting me too much today . abandonment issues, eating disorder thoughts, sensory problems, everything. i just want a break and to feel better . last night i almost made myself ***** ** for the first time in a really long time because of how bad and out of control of everything i feel and i dont know what to do to feel better about myself, let alone how i interact with people i love

[s1yfox14]

I realized a second ago that I am semi to almost fully anonymous on this platform and reblog so much shit that anything i say will most definitely be lost so i can just dump my thoughts here. Why didn't i think of this sooner.

some of the thoughts i've had today:

i should stop playing the 24 hour game of "what happened 24 hours ago" and "where will I be in 24 hours" the answer to both of those should be in bed and sleeping if I should be sleeping right now instead of letting the insomnia take over after getting into bed.

i was having a rough morning the other day but pretended i was fine when my friend asked me how i was doing. when i was clearly not fine but its okay im good at hiding it.

I also mayyyy have insulted another friend by acknoledging their presence after they had told me they wouldnt be coming to school but changed their mind. I was simply surprised. Good surprised. But words are hard and it probably definetely did not come across that way. anyways im still thinking about it.

I should also start asking my one friend's pronouns more often. Their pronouns change and I keep on forgetting to do so. and i also need to do more nice things instead of just letting others do nice things.

when i was tired the other day i made the decision to use my friends as a podcast while i half doze off, causing me to follow them around. it always felt like they were leaving semi-soon after i reentered the space (probably me exaggerating i have no feel for time whatsoever). I somehow feel like I shouldnt have done that. Even when I didnt say anything. Its probably just anxiety tho.

My friend said I remind them of a dandelion. I accepted what I believe was a compliment in the moment - they are always nice to me and wouldnt have a reason to randomly insult me as far as im aware. My brain decided that they meant I was a weed. I can't stop thinking about it and then thinking about how irrational that thought is before going back to thinking about the possibility of my friend hating me.

which makes zero sense.

i need to consistently use the medication I have been prescribed I'm really not good at that.

I am in pain more often than I should be as a child.

I have an exam tomorrow that I have done 0 null zilch no prep for and it will probably go horribly.

i didnt sleep well last night I wonder what will happen tonight.

was i annoying in that cat meet and greet i did today? probably but the cat got adopted so it doesnt matter.

that one woman has some odd spiritual beliefs but they seem to work out for her so props i guess.

im tired. and i should stop watching true crime.

I havent made my lunch for tomorrow. I should skip all my classes tomorrow. but also im excited for tomorrow.

one of my friends wished me good luck on my exam. another friend who had an exam today i wished good luch yesterday and they havent responded. a different friend said their exam yesterday went well.

i dont know what to do with any of this information.