#i keep tearing down and starting over
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If I finish my Animal Crossing island in the year 2026 will you still visit
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Move complete 😭
#there were more tears than i thought i had left in me#it hurt a lot#but many hours of driving later and we have made it#everything is unloaded#and now i just have to go through the ordeal of unpacking and getting everything organised#my parents are insisting that not everything i have brought will fit#but their solution is 'storage unit' - readers this storage unit it a random shipping container on some plot of rural land#that has a string of break ins on its history#so i am not enthused about putting any of my things in this storage unit#but more than that#these are *my things*#i have already parted with so much to get it down to these few boxes and items of furniture#i will make them fit no matter what#they just have to give me a few days to try out different configurations of furniture and stuff#and i will figure it out#i will#if im gonna live here then you can be certain im gonna make it feel as much like a home as possible#so yeah#the hardest part is over!!#we can start to work on healing#looking forward#we move#no matter what#we keep moving forward
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had an odd dream that i was reading a comic book. sketched a couple of the pages i could remember.
#i might adapt this into an actual story because i am SO SO SO mad that it isn't a thing i can go back to reading#oc#im definitely keeping the concept of save-bot i fucking love save-bot he's just doing his best. i love a robot who wants to help people#im not equipped to be writing about underground rebellions with any sense of real tact though#besides its in a superhero universe/story so you know it would just be so sucks lol#sketch#god the colors were so interesting. the teal parts were all very precisely crosshatched and the fire was this gorgeous brush pen looking#colored inks that just seemed like they were MOVING#and i mean some of that was because i was dreaming but god even in my halfhearted copy you can see some of the movement#it was a bad scene but a really really REALLY fun dream. i love when a book can *get* to me so i was really enjoying it#put it aside so i could take a break and woke up. instant fury at the universe for not having it be a real book instead#ill reblog with details if anyone's curious. i can explain this scene but i dont feel like it#the green people are in a secret basement though. hiding from the government. blue jacket guy is a speedster robot named save-bot who does#rescue stuff with every fire department so fire suppression technology is not very good because save-bot "can just save you''#however they're badly over their legal occupancy and the secret basement has One (1) exit so everyone is like really fucked here.#includinig save-bot who is going to do his job until he dies because he is an ai without any sense of self preservation and he cares#which i didn't even CATCH until i woke up and started tryin to frantically note everything down#and then i was like wait. the glitter on that last page before i realized i needed a glass of water to keep reading... what WAS that...#(it was tears suspended in midair because save-bot goes so fast and also knows he's so fucked LOL)#seriously i'm so mad someone else didn't make this.
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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I fucking hate filling out government applications stop fucking asking me for shit, you've got enough fucking documents already, stop asking me for more
#I have nothing but tv static behind my eyes#It's like oh grab this grab that take a fucking photo of a form you got last year that you OBVIOUSLY still have#we're gonna need a tiny little piece of paper you forgot about immediately and don't remember where you got it from#we're gonna need more numbers than we can possibly expect any fucking human to ever keep in their brain#and some random barely-relevant information you don't even remember that no one ever wrote down because why the fuck would you#and if you take more than 45 seconds to summon this information we log you out and you have to start all over again :) Fuck you :)#Pun's text Posts#I'm taking active stress damage from form after form after form after fucking form#How the fuck do people do this shit without their tearing their eyes out
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Woo hello 🎬!! I kept all of your ask here -- I put it like this for my own easy scrolling, but no way am I cutting any of this, it's so perfect AH
Oughhhhgh Haruka getting more confident from hanging out with everyone and getting such positive feedback… I’d imagine the back to back innocent verdict and night of compliments would do wonders for his psyche ;-; And same for Muu and Amane! Minus the inno verdict, but the sudden influx of explicit compliments and acknowledgement of “hey, that was fucked up what they did to you, okay?” I wonder if there’s any awkwardness since After Pain directly follows Bring it On, but I like to imagine Fuuta and Muu have a deeper talk about things in private (and maybe Muu hesitantly mentions her involvement with Rei in preparation for INMF…)
Damn, who’s going to give the sex talk to the kids after Yuno’s vide-- Shidou. Sidou does. Without hesitation. They have to stop him because no one wants to hear it and everyone there already understands the basics.I love the idea of she, Mahiru, Muu, and designer Mikoto chatting about everyone’s fashion sense (I can imagine them poking fun at Fuuta’s tracksuit and Shidou’s patterned shirts.) And planning shopping trips that include everyone!!! Amane and Kotoko are given no choice in the matter, and a lot of the guys are genuinely interested in coming along.
Awww, I love the thought of Haruka getting into a “boy” interest with Fuuta and Mikoto -- he never knew what it was like to have brothers but he’s really enjoying it <3 (Also I’m cracking up over Fuuta trying desperately to convince them “it’s not cringe!!!”)
ASDFSDF Mappi just straight up sobbing and Mikoto handing her tissues 😂 But yes, she also gets choked up during Magic and Amane can’t figure out why. This begins the adults’ efforts to get her out of whatever situation she’s currently in (which Jackalope was already half-working on, but is definitely spurred on by several angry almost-murderers demanding he get it done now.)
I do like that idea of Red more comfortable with showing skin than Blue. (I know people are very emotional about the stalker theory, but I personally never took it in a harmful way. I always enjoyed how it was a symbol of stripping away everything else until you’re left with your true, whole self.) So I like to think that Blue feels too exposed, but Red/Green are the ones who pitched it in a symbolic sense!
I’m losing my mind at Kotoko/Kazui/Red talking about sparring. Everyone else is like “hell yeah, let’s see it!” and Shidou just sitting there like “you all are going to be the death of me. You are NOT fighting.” Because I really want to think about it happening, I’ll say they manage to sneak away at least once and nearly break a prop in the process, to which even Jackalope shuts them down.
I think they all manage to get pretty serious again by the time T2 rolls around, but the hiatus is filled with a lot of sweet moments and healing conversations between everyone. Also, making so many plans for the future helps keep them sane when some of the project immersion gets a bit too real. Whenever they start realizing they might be condemned for their actions and worried that they’re too broken/they’re life is ruined, they come back to those plans and relax a bit.
Absolutely no pressure, but I would love to hear your T2 thoughts! 👀👀👀 I’m so incredibly grateful you’ve taken the time to share your ideas -- from the very beginning this au has been a big collaboration, so it’s super fun bouncing ideas around :D
#milgram#ft everyone!#i really love all of these ;---;#thank you so much!! ive been enjoying these so much and im sure everyone else is as well#i keep swinging drastically from torturing myself by thinking deeply about upcoming angst#and then healing myself thinking of everyone chillin in this au sdfsdfa#pretty soon ill write up a post with little details ive had in mind here and there 👍👍#i just havent had the motivation to put em down on paper yet but youre inspiring me!!!!#and yeah... i swore id finish a few of my current milgram wips before starting anything new but youre tempting meeeee#there will be plenty of time over the upcoming trial break for me to get some writing in im sure 👀#in a more serious tone i want to write a little drabble of the prisoners leaving/returning to the prison area#the odd relief of dropping pretenses and feeling free again#and then the heaviness that settles over them when they put on their fake bandages and torn uniforms and walk back in#but movie night my beloved!!!#not in a limiting gender role sort of way but i think with all the femininity that was forced on haruka he has a great time with the boys#all that fashion advice was Not heeded when choosing outfits for backdraft and triage#the Dad Fit was all shidous idea#(<- says this but i love the backdraft look jsyk)#i feel like t2 movie night would be much more chaotic since they were involved for a lot so they can get rowdier#then again some things were left secretive -- they never got to meet shidous kids and most didnt watch tear drop filming#and some of the post-filming effects probably turned out cooler than they were expecting#lights camera sing your sins#ask
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I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.
#I don't want to keep a snail as a pet because theyre kinda prone to shell injuries#and then they die. id be in a constant state of stress#i can't have tarantulas even though i really want to for the same reason - spiders molt and they can actually fuck up#and they fuck up kinda frequently. and if they fuck up they die#because they either tear off their organs in an attempt to free themselves or they essentially turn themselves to stone#or they suffocate. i know that I'd be extremely stressed every da#id be like 'what if it happens what if they fuck up molting i have to stand here on guard in case they start molting and mess up'#because sometimes if you're really fucking lucky you CAN manage to save them. but you have to#be there on time and you have to pray. because its much easier for you to kill them than save them#and i would never forgive myself for that#in general it's very stressful for me to keep pets who don't have very clear signals of joy and displeasure/pain because i#constantly worry about possibly taking bad care of them and them being unhappy#i loved my hamster but i did breathe a breath of relief when she died of old age because every day with her was just#so unbelievably stressful for me. i wouldn't help but be preoccupied with trying to figure out if i was doing something incorrectly#if i was a bad foster parent to her if she was content etc etc#she was a great hamster but the experience was very much 0/10 for me i would never own a hamster again#in the same vein i probably couldn't have a tarantula due to this as well.#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself#they said that if i killed myself they wouldn't care for her and she'd die so i had to stay alive.#a part of me knew they were bullshitting but it still freaked me out super hard and made me unimaginably anxious about#getting run over or anything happening to me and paradoxically that made me even more suicidal and depressed#didn't help that my mother didn't even believe in her own plan and accused me of planning to kill myself AND my hamster#she accused me of that several times. I've always had a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting animals so it#made me break down and self harm every time. obviously that made my mother even angrier and many a time it led to#her accusing me of being a danger to her and others#if she felt particularly hysterical she screamed i was just like my father and that she feared me as much as she had feared him#when he still had a gun. you can imagine how that made me feel considering i jsed to have nightly night terrors about my father#killing my mother.
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for an akifuyu stan i sure do struggle to draw autumn and winter troupe
#chibi wise my main challengers are juju and tasuku ( mostly bc of the hair )#but my big boy style?? hoo boy#banri is usually fine but his eyes and face shape are hard to keep consistent#juzas hair and build give me problems and so does his eye shape#taichis hair is like. controlled fluffy. i can never get it quite right#sakyos hair ( ESPECIALLY his bangs ) are dumb and stupid and i hate them ( i hate drawing short straight hair )#im getting used to omis hair its mostly his face and build that i struggle with now#azamis mostly alright but his half up hair gives me trouble#tsumugis hair is horrible i hate drawing it ( ignore all the stoatmugis ive drawn its DIFFERENT )#tasuku. where do i even start.#his hair is stupid his facial proportions are wack#i cant draw his build and i cannot for the life of me get his nose to look right#i cant decide on a definitive color pallete for him#ive only finished two pieces with him there and unless i am asked i have no plans on increasing that number#( im so sorry nocturnality )#homare is mostly face proportions. and that long fringe messes me up sometimes#plus i try to make him more lean but since i usually draw him w hiso and/or azu he just ends up getting twinkified#i THINK i understand how hisokas hair works. i think.#i do still struggle with azus ponytail. . .#its not fluffy like nagisas so you cant see it unless its over his shoulder and sometimes i just cant draw it right#plus even tho its easier than sakyos bc its longer. its still straight. and i am not good at drawing straight hair.#guy im ALSO mostly used to now its really just making sure he does in fact look older#and not just like. a twink i drew tear troughs and dark circles on yk#part of that is his face shape. i THINK i got it down now but i def need to practice more#alongside the whole 'glasses character without glasses' thing#yeah#not akifuyu but tenma is also a HUMONGOUS pain in the ass to draw#i hate his hair so much#now that i think about it the only ones i can draw satisfactorily are haru 😭😭
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I just drew the most tragic thing I’ve ever drawn in my life
#Ugh Winstonnnnnnnnnnnnnn! I’ll break you and Julia out of there and spoon-feed both of you whatever foods you want#His poor knees#oh my god what have I done I’m a sick sick woman#I have such a high threshold for disturbing imagery that even if what I did rationally is sad; it doesn’t feel like it to me#so I keep making it worse and worse until I practically have myself in tears over how pitiful the character is#Therefore every sad or scary thing I ever do is not only sad or scary; but absolutely horrific gut-wrenching and almost traumatizing#You see I want to rip people’s hearts out and CRUSH them and STOMP on them and STAB them with a KNIFE and— and— and—#I end up doing precisely that to myself in the process sjshsjddjjddndjdjdjdk#Anyway the camera will start at his face and slowly pan down as O’Brien proceeds to be a complete asshole to him#(have I mentioned that I want to beat the shit out of O’Brien?)#“You have almost no teeth and the ones you have are falling out.” [plucks one out] You’re filthy and smell like a goat.” Fuck OFF
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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hope the president of my uni dies in a fire btw ✌️
#hes resigned already but still here until a replacement comes in#fuck this guy for real#'peaceful protests for palestine are happening on campus so we closed down campus for everyone'#'a gathering and encampment sprung up in a business area only technically part of campus so we yelled at them to leave and when then didnt'#'we just sent a fuck ton of cops armed to the teeth and in riot gear to bombard this small group w tear gas and rubber bullets'#'no significant injuries (to anyone we care abt) though so all is well!'#'we will keep heavily policing this fucking Public Institution and Open Campus for the next two weeks. all cops are allowed to attack#without warning restraint or reason. nothing was done abt the counter protestors who were violent n yelling slurs btw we love free speech!'#hate this man SO much#ran the uni into a fucking budget crisis and cause so many layoffs alrwady and now this shit???#die in a fucking fire. get the inisde of ur shitty mansion eggs. get run over by 18 cars.#genuinely so enraged im trying to had to be professional at work but i wanna start biting people#fuck this uni and fuck the admin. pres robbins die faster challenge#rambles#sorry this is negative but a lot has happened in the past two days and im so angry
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This game is ruining my life
#i knew Cid was gonna die he had death flags written all over him from the start#BUT THEN#JOSHUA SHOWS UP TO PROTECT CLIVE FROM ULTIMA#AND THE REPRISAL THEME IS. SO.#AAAAAAGgh#tears streaming down my face#shit is so blurry#going absolutely apeshit#my arm hurts too much to draw more of the au tho#but god damn this shit hits all the right story beata#and ofc i love. I absolutely adore brothers going to insane lengths to protect one another#i just. cant find another trope i love more. found family perhaps?#but its that BROTHERLY BOND AND LOVE BOEYEESSSS#sisters too!!! final fantasy 13 did it with lighting and serrah which was lovely too#the noise that came outta my mouth when Joshua told ultima to keep hos hands off clive omg. beside myself#absolutely bonkers fucking crazy#you know you know i wanna draw ace and luffy so badddddd
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Whoever buys the house next door is genuinely going to get scammed and me and my neighbors keep trying to warn perspective buyers and the real estate lady hates our guts aoskdkkflsldll
#the house genuinely was in a condemned state#that was suggested by multiple contractors to just tear down and rebuild#and we know this cause the family that had been renting it offered to renovate it in order to start buying#but as they started trying to fix it the landlord evicted them#then the land owner scammed somebody else into buying it and that person immediately started#flipping the house trying to keep repairs cheap as shit while over working the workers#like we literally saw them working into like midnight!!!#and even then the visible repairs on the outside are so shoddy and very obviously done in a rush and with little quality resource#so i can only imagine how extra bad it is inside especially plumbing and such like GOD
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GODDDD i just miss being able to watch new episodes of riverdale live and have FUN with them. i remember watching the josie and the pussycats episode in my tiny single dorm room with like 5 of my friends packed onto my twin bed and when archie kissed kevin on the cheek we all ERUPTED in a screaming fit. and then a few weeks later we all did the same thing with the next to normal episode and again like when charles burst into the room singing we stood up and cheered like our sports team had just scored a touchdown or whatever. and even though i didn’t really like s6 very much it STILL had moments like these in the majority of episodes. but now every week i watch it alone in my bed on my laptop and i spend the entire time brain rottingly bored at best and genuinely upset and angry at worst. like what happened i miss riverdale!!!! :(
#i just feel nothinggggggg anymore it makes me actually want to burst into tears. riverdale nights used to be the most exciting nights of my#week and now i forget it’s even airing until like an hour before it starts. feels fucking bad man#not to keep beating a dead horse about how much i hate this season like I know I’ve made it clear. last night just really really did#something to me man. and it’s because they mentioned stonewall prep and i got SO excited because I was like ok FINALLY they’re gonna give me#a moment thag makes me stand up and yell like I used to be able to do. they’re gonna put bret on my screen and I’m gonna scream and run into#the other room to tell my sister about it and it’s gonna be fun and it’s gonna feel like how I’m used to feeling while watching this show.#but then they were like hey here’s two made up stonewall preppies who you’ve never seen or heard about before and who yoh certainly don’t#care about. that’s what you want right. and i literally think something in my brain snapped. irreparably#so now I’m just sitting here thinking about how the time of my life hen I got to watch my favorite show with my friends every week and jump#up and down and scream and laugh and cheer every 5 minutes is over and im never gonna get to do that again. which is awesome <3#this is so fucking melodramatic i know im sorry it’s just that I’ve snapped like I said. something happened last night & now im busted#but anyways. how are you guys doing#taylor xoxo
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I miss & need them both so badly...
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#ive cried way too much today over them#i dont why im like this rn but just the thought of them makes tears start streaming down my face#just typing this out is making tears well up in my eyes#ive been missing them all day#i was thinking abt ryan all morning and was thinking abt min sm rn#missing him... i wanted to watch an ep to see and hear min#and when ryan walked on screen i IMMEDIATELY started sobbing#IVE NEVER HAD A REACTION THAT FUCKING STRONG TO SEEING THEM#NOT EVEN REALLY PROMPTED BY ANYTHING#i just... miss them both so so much#i need them... i need them both so so badly#i want to walk along and look over the streets of powell lake holding hands w my husbands#we can stop by the corner store and by some some snacks and slurpees and make our way down to the lake#just to chat and hang out looking over the water as the sun sets#the thought of our home town makes me feel so... at ease#i want to listen to the radio in our kitchen while we all try to make a quick dinner#and min keeps scolding me & ryan for sneaking snacks in between#eat our dinner in front of the tv watching reruns or if nothing good is on we could pop in a movie we rented#go to bed holding onto each other and get ready the next morning for a day full of fun and adventure#min making us eggs and bacon and eating while working on some lyrics#a jam sesh before heading out to browse at the mall and have icecream :-]#browsing records and then going to the movies#rollerskating and/or karaoke to end the night <33#but i just love sm just walking out w them late at night#the streets are quiet and the sky is filled w stars#i love it feeling like the 3 of us are the only people in the world
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#that feel when in your latest chapter on your journey of being white and unlearning racism#you have once again found yourself in the Massive Pit Of Fear Of Writing Race Wrong#and this time it’s about your latest fandom obsession#and since you have now effectively cut yourself off at the knees from your usual fandom participation method#and are so blocked you can’t write fanfic you really want to write bc you’re afraid you’re going to Do A Racism about it#you just kinda. exist. in the fandom space now#forever consuming but not creating any output or outlet#until you die you guess#I wanna write gay pirate romcom fic so bad but I clam up when I open my word docs#y’all it’s bad I’m petrified and it’s making me angry bc like#YOU TOOK MY ORIGINAL WRITING FROM ME AND NOW MY FANFIC TOO???#DAMN YOU FEAR THAT I HAVE TO PUSH THROUGH AND BE OKAY WITH MAKING MISTAKES AND HUMBLE ENOUGH TO LEARN FROM THEM#MAKING EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT#almost makes me want to tear down my fic and start over#but if I go down that route I may not come back with anything at all#keep moving forward and all that#again. do a racism again. I want to clarify that part of this blockage is bc I have indeed written racist things already#and now that I know about it I don’t want to do it again#anyway carry on I guess just venting to the void
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