#i just wanted an excuse to draw the fuckinf

[basilthymee]

"is this anything" i ask, knowing full well it isnt

[polycrews]

ddcds. for u (hopefully ur day will b a bit better!)

had to take a second to respond to this because dear GOD this made me lose coherent thoughts. ahem

[angerydj]

rant so just skip if you don’t care

—-//

So the other day my da made a dress joke to me when we walked passed a wedding shop and he turns around and says I should get one, I don’t think anyone other than my sister understands how serious that fucks me up mentally and I’m still thinking ab it

And that same day he drop me, my ma and sister to a trans pride, which my mom told me ab that day super last minute and I later found out from my sister she didn’t expect me to go cause it was so last minute but I did anyway. And I was honestly nice to hear everything they had to say and actually be able to like relate to other people and not feel so anxious and alienated in public, like it so nice to go out and feel good ab myself for once and that happy streak kept going for most of the day until that moment.

Like what went off in your fucking head like? This another one of your fucking ‘trying to be funny’ moments? And I couldn’t even react to is as my usually pissed of defense self cause of my good mood so I just gave him an “ew no.” And then my day was ruined but we were on are way home so at least it was over and I could just go back to my room and hide.

I knew the day was going to well, I hate being too happy It makes me distracted, like I know better I expect nothing always so I’m never disappointed, can’t be hurt if I never felt it in the first place. As if my dysphoria wasn’t getting worse to the point now when I wake up in the morning I have to put on my binder and hoodie before I leave my room and even then it’s still horrible.

Or today my mom is actually making them effort and trying to sign me up for clubs and that’s all good at least she trying, but I bet she doesn’t even know the shit it know, like she’s probably expecting me to go to this place and pick a name and all that shit, but fuckinf late if I’m honest and you handled it shit the first time in completely crushing me with my first name, before I even told her she butted in an told me it had to be close to my birth name so SHE could remember it, cause fuck me right? My entire life I’ve felt second hand in everything, it’s never ab me on my own for a second and it’s gone on for so long that when something is ab me or me getting involved I feel like I don’t deserve it, I’m not good enough for it, I put everyone before me, I don’t like wasting my parents money I rarely even ask for everything cause I don’t deserve it, I only get sales iteams. I hate attention I don’t like projecting myself cause I feel so unimportant like there’s better things people can be doin than paying attention to me. I just like to watch now and see people get better cause honestly I don’t care ab myself.

And my mom loves to comment on everything I do as well, if I jsut randomly smile she wants a reason behind it, I’m so jsut to having an excuse to everything I do, and if I tell her it’s like some fucking dumb video I watched earlier I get called an idiot? Like bitch then mind your business. Or today I haven’t eaten in 2-3 day only water and tea and I acc finished my dinner, cause I thought this is good for me and I need this and I’m feeling kinda good, and when I finished she said something like “pushing the boat aren’t you” which made me feel horrible and want to throw it all back up cause it felt like I had too much and didn’t deserve it and that I should of waited till tomorrow, like most of the times the only reason I’m not horrible to myself cause if I have bad impulses “dead name would do that not Matt” and I just want to be better and start being happy like withh myself and jsut to be able to get up in the morning and jsut feel like its going to be a good day even if it ends badly.

And how drawing is one of my only good coping mechanisms, I’ve tried the good and bad ways and none of them work as well as drawing it’s literally if I stop drawing I stop. Sometimes I feel bad when I’m not talking to people but I continue to post, it’s not cause I don’t care or I’m ignoring them, this is literally my only way to zone out from whatever is bothering me or I just sleep and stay in bed but I try to stay active even if it’s getting a sketch done that’s enough for me

Sorry if this sound like a load of shit but this only a hint of what is bothering me of recent,

[patriciavetinari]

Long post, personal crisis

Sorry I don’t know if I can use the Keep Reading thingie on mobile. Tw: suicide mention. Please don’t reblog. Replies ok.

I think I basically just realized or at least spent significant time thinking about a definite weakness of mine that I should and want to deal with - it’s the horrible toxic jealousy/perfectionism that I feel, and the poisoning strive to be brilliant and recognized for it.

You know those posts and feelings about new hobbies - if you try one and are not immediately amazing at it, you never practice or try again? I believe I have some horrible exagerrated version of that. I feel it even around people, especially in new groups, beit online or offline. This fuckinf need to best, brilliant, expert, I want to cause awe and amaze people.

I think it also might very much be connected with me growing up and prett much being fat, having to prove my worth to people around me, having to be funny, witty, smart one, which I’ve tried so hard to always be and yet I obviously can’t always be like that, plus I can fucking feel capitalism making me duller, taking away my creativity and imagination (then again, is it just the horrible me just looking for excuses for not developing self?).

What triggered it is the online rpg community that I’m part of but I’m sort of a wallflower, still kind of new, and not very good and the particular theme of that rpg (star wars). Yet it’s filled with brilliant creative people, one of them whips out poetry on the whim and I read that thread just now and absolutely broke down because I can’t do that. And I need to outshine that person immediately, I need to be better, I need to win over others and evoke awe.

I hate this feeling. Not that person - I try very hard to focus on the fact that other people being good at something creative is good and wonderful and go them. That is the right thing to think, yet I immediately spiral into this anxiety and perplexion - how can I outdo them and at least be equal, at least be loved and appreciated just as much? Is the lack of love and appreciation? I so feel like a worthless third wheel. Talentless, useless, dull, background npc.

It’s like those positive posts “one person being beautiful does not stop me from being beautiful”, but again, extremely exagereated and with activities AS WELL AS looks. Is it the lack of purpose? The general perfectionism? I don’t know what I want to do with my life and who I want to become, when I contemplate going to college I have no idea what do I want to study. Everything. Nothing. I don’t want to study or practice, I want to immediately be good at everything.

And it’s the same with most such encountera both online and real life. Instagram is horrible in its own rite, but when I just joined it I felt exactly the same about those makeup routines. I bought so many products, I tried, I actually tried there since it was something I did every say, and then I realised I have hooded eyes and will never actually be able to show off instagram-worthy eyelids, and I had breakdowns over this.

It’s the same with almost every fuckinf hobby I encounter, I try to make it if not my monetized brand, then my fun personal mastery. It was the same with yoga (still is, I want to be Amazingly Flexible Fat Person), smoothie bowls, photography, calligraphy, drawing, poetry, writing (even though I don’t have a single finished fan or original work yet I call myself a fuckinf writer). It was even same with relationships, hoping to be able to be a hoe/sugar baby both for the possible pleasures and material side AND thw recognition of A Skill to Seduce, I guess (I’m fat and never been asked on a date, so guess how that is going, I’m completely clueless around flirting). Same with music, style, running aesthetic blog, running a livejournal blog (yeah, this has been going on since LJ era), even running a twitter, or instagram, or any social media, or learning to speak in accents, or dancing, knitting, embroidery and other crafts. Lately I see “witchy stuff” trending in my feed, so obviously I’ve already looked into that.

But I think it’s the creative outlets and being absolutely dull at them, not being able to Produxe Content - not even for monetizing – bur just Not Having a Thoughts is what pains me so much. I’m not fun, not interesting. Especially when there are Brilliant People in close proximity. Even those who would be able to recite poetry if not come up with it on the spot. Those people are so amazing to me I want to fucking kill myself for not being One of Them. I hate it.

It’a slightly better with my work, as I’m sort of an expert in my team by now, people ask me for help a lot and it sends me beaming, I like helping, being the expert, Offering a piece of my mind, but my work is not creative, it’s horrible, it’s ruining my sense of humour, my mind, and it’s completely useless outside that specific field and my colleagues. I’m fun to them because I’m smart abour our job and sassy but it’s horrible job. And I’m bad at everything else. I have no hobbies, no personality outside work.

And even at work I’m vulnerable. I had lunch today near the French team, they were speaking French, and I spent time regretting I don’t speak French. I “only” speak three languages. English is my third one. I go absolutely fucking stellar when native speaker compliments my English, vocabulary and all. Do I struggle without recognition? Do I need constant pats on the back? Am I good enough? Am I trying to prove my worth no matter to whom? Am I trying to please or entertain, be useful?

I want to be brilliant. I want to be sure of what I like to do, of what my actual hobbies are, I want to find out who I am so I can be in contact with other People With Hobbies and be content with our differences, be able to just be happy for another persons talent, and enjoy it, and recognize them instead of turning the spotlight onto myself while having nothing to say and demanding applause. I will always support people having phases, pickinf up and putting down hobbies when they feel like it, but I want at least a little bit of permanence in myself, at least for a moment, I want to try and find out my actual interests, not trends I fall for desperately trying to be relatable and marketable and presentable and acceptable.

I want to find myseld and be happy with myself. And fuck, I want brilliance and recognition and applause. Maybe it’s a form of craving love and attention, but I want it. I want to be creative, good at something, brilliant. I even feel like all my interests are Like That, not genuine, like some sort of Imposter syndrome subcategory, Trying To Be Liked. Yes, I was that kid that was no trouble and acted so mature. Read books to keep out of way. No serotonin to speak of.

I can’t say I hate myself, I just feel lost, lonely, not an unfinished work - a not even started one. I feel like empty shell, and there is a person lost deep inside that shell that I desperately want to meet and I hope one day I can.