#i just want more content in the courtgela tag

[moonyexmachina]

brighter than gold

Read on AO3

Courtney keeps holding your hand.

You’re not sure if it’s a conscious action, or just -

You both reach for people, you both like being close to your friends, it’s just how you show affection. So when you reach for each other, sometimes you tangle and hold on.

So it might be nothing. You never let go first and she doesn’t either and you just keep holding hands and that’s it.

You don’t want that to be it. You -

You don’t know what you want, really.

But you know you don’t want that to be it.

And it doesn’t feel like -

Like, sometimes Chanse and you sit so close there is no space left between you because that’s how you are. Two pieces of the same thing trying to fit back together. Like, when he looks at you he sees you the same as he sees himself. There’s no hiding there and you don’t want there to be.

Or like, when Amanda hugs you it’s just safe , because she’s Amanda. Like, that’s - you don’t even know what else to say other than it’s Amanda, because that already encompasses everything.

And, like, that’s normal. Different people make you feel different things.

But when Courtney holds your hand it feels like -

It feels different.

And you’re probably reading way too much into it, because she probably holds hands with lots of people because that’s what Courtney does - She reaches for the people she cares for and sometimes they reach back and sometimes they hold on.

Like you do.

So it’s probably nothing.

You don’t want it to be nothing.

You want Courtney to hold your hand, specifically, because she wants to hold your hand specifically.

And that’s -

Not good, probably.

Kinda scary.

Because Courtney is your friend, not how Chanse or Amanda are your friends, but how Courtney is your friend and to fuck that up would be really, really not good and -

And Courtney keeps holding your hand.

And her skin is super soft and her fingers fit really nicely with your own and - and sometimes you look at her when she does and she’s got that smile that isn’t like the one when you’re being funny - because the way she smiles at you when you’re being funny isn’t how she smiles at Noah or Olivia being funny, or how she smiles at Damien and Shayne actually being funny for once or even how she smiles at Arasha being super smart and funny but how she smiles at you being funny -

And this isn’t like that either, but it’s all for you and you kind of really love it.

Just like you kind of really love the way she keeps holding your hand and like you kind of really love -

And, okay, okay, maybe it’s nothing and maybe you’re overthinking and maybe you should, like, talk to someone about this. Get a second opinion, or something.

Ask Amanda, maybe, because she won’t judge you - or, well, she will judge you but she’s going to be nice about it and she gives good advice and also good hugs and you could kind of use both, right now.

Or, not right now, because right now you’re getting ready play some nerd game with Shayne because he’s a nerd and you should really try and listen to the rules because you hate losing but -

But Courtney is holding your hand again, under the table, not like hiding but more like casual, like this is what you do - because it kind of is what you do? And it’s never really been a problem before, holding Courtney’s hand because you like holding Courtney’s hand expect now that you realized just how much it’s getting really really distracting and you could let go, but -

But you’d kind of hate letting go more than losing Shayne’s nerd game.

So you don’t.

You just keep holding her hand.