#i just remember us freaking out over the duet and then this video

[ladykailitha]

Icarus Part 20

Damn guys, wow! Twenty chapters in. Shit. Wow. We've only got five chapters to go.

Hey, remember that breakdown that Steve feared was coming? Yeah it's in this chapter. Just not the person anyone thought it would be. Also Steve learns to lean on the people who love him.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19

~

Steve was nervous. He was rarely nervous on stage, but this was special. Eddie had written a duet version of one Corroded Coffin’s songs and Abbadon was going to feature. So when The Fallen left and Corroded Coffin came on, the first song would be the new duet.

Apparently Gareth had been badgering Eddie to include it in the set list since before the whole rehab stint. But that was around the time Steve and he got together and felt it was too close to the mark to sing it on stage like that.

But somehow the three other members had convinced him and Eddie in turn had managed to convince The Fallen, both bands managers, and their tech guys to let them do it in Denver.

The Fallen finished their encore and they huddled together as Corroded Coffin’s equipment was set up.

Then it was time, with all the lights off Abbadon went to stand in the middle of the stage, directly in front Gareth’s stage where his kit was. The spotlights came on, first highlighting Gareth, then Brian, Jeff, and then Eddie.

Abbadon stood in the darkness, microphone in hand, head hung between his shoulders.

This was the moment. The moment Steve had spent his whole adult life dreaming about. On stage with Corroded Coffin to sing with Eddie. His only regret that it was as Abbadon and not himself. But damn, he’d be fool to turn down the opportunity and he knew it.

Eddie started in on guitar; the sweet, slow build up of one of their greatest hits. “Run, Lover Boy, Run.”

But when the first verse started it wasn’t the gravelly growl of Eddie Munson, but the haunting tenor of Abbadon.

“When I see you there,

Standing with your friends,

I have to stop and stare,

Because, baby I know how this ends...”

Finally Abbadon was lit by a pale blue light, making the white of his costume seem ghost like and eerie. He raised his head and the lace mask made him even more beautiful. He walked toward the front of the stage slowly as he joined Eddie front and center.

To say the crowd went wild would have been an understatement. The Fallen fans were freaking out and screaming and crying. The Corroded Coffin fans roared their approval as Abbadon’s voice lent the song a melancholy vibe.

Eddie sang the second verse and then they joined in together for the chorus. Abbadon leaned in close, their spotlights blending together.

“Run, Lover Boy, Run,

Don’t you know,

You were only a little bit of fun

Run, Lover Boy, Run

You were looking for love,

Can’t you see we’re done?”

Abbadon knew he should have moved back for the next verse, but somehow he found himself draped over Eddie. Even though the song was about being used by a guy he thought he could trust but was only looking for a hookup and not something more serious. He just couldn't move away.

Eddie had a white knuckle grip on his guitar, playing his hardest and singing about heartbreak. Abbadon’s microphone was at his side as he shared Eddie’s. He had even turned it off to avoid feedback.

They were so close that any closer they would have been making out over the microphone. But the thing that really tipped things over the edge was when the final verse came, Abbadon sunk to his knees and belted it out. So from a certain perspective it looked as though he was grinding against Eddie leg.

The crowd went absolutely feral. There was screaming, crying, and apparently in two extreme cases, fainting.

He wasn’t.

Steve wanted to make that clear. He wasn’t grinding against Eddie’s leg. To both their management and the media. Because, yeah he saw the video the fans uploaded and it was very suspect, but his other fans had his back. They posted the view from the other side of the stadium where he was just a few feet away from the lead singer, on his knees, his free hand clenched in a fist.

But oh boy did fuel rumors about Abbadon and Eddie in ways that made Steve’s skin crawl. It was a good thing they had two days before they got to Vegas for Steve to hide in their trailer.

“Steve!” Robin as Robin called out, banging on the door. “Come on, Steve, you can’t hide in there forever!”

Eddie had tried. Chrissy had tried. Hell, even Vickie gave it a go. But Steve refused to budge. Shane let out a sigh after Simon and Spence were both sent away as well.

“Let me try,” he said softly.

They all cleared out to let Shane have a go. He sat down on the steps to the trailer and leaned his head against the door.

“Hey, Steve,” he muttered. “You don’t have to come out, but I’m gonna start talking and maybe you’ll decide to do that on your own.”

He was met with silence. Which was already a step up from the shouts to go away. So he started talking.

“I worry about us as friends, all of us,” he said, strained. “Simon keeps turning down women who are generally into him because he thinks they’re only into him because of what we do. But there have been some real good ones. One that wanted to get to know him, but he just shuts them down. I worry about his attachment to you. I know he’s straight. I’ve hit on him before... before you I guess. Back when we were just some idiots in a cafe who didn’t know what life was.”

He let out a watery chuckle. “But I’ve also seen girls flirt with him as a roadie and he still thinks it’s because of what he does rather than wanting him for he who is. He’s a good guy. He’s one of the best. But he doesn’t seem to want to be better.”

Shane looked up at the clear blue sky and let out a shuddering breath. He hung his head.

“Spence doesn’t want to go out anymore,” he continued, his voice quaking with the feeling of loss. “All he wants to do is spend all his time talking to Nadia. The only time he goes out is as someone else and that can’t be healthy either.”

He ran his fingers through his tight red curls, gripping them at the base and pulling. His hands shook with the effort and the emotions.

“I just came out as gay and I’m frightened by it all,” Shane said. “My parents are supportive. Because of course they are. But I can tell the difference in people from the way they used to look at me and how they look at me now. I was going to teach middle school, Steve. I was going to teach world history to teenagers. But this changed everything.”

There was a soft thud behind him and he figured it was Steve sitting on the floor in front of the door.

“But of all us,” he whispered through his tears, “I worry about you the most. You think you have to be strong for everyone else. You came out with me and I’m getting more support than you are. Yeah, you have a good support system. I wouldn’t have allowed you to come out otherwise, twin. But this moment that blew up in your face, shouldn’t have.”

He lifted his head up and let the tears continue to stream down his face. “It should have been a moment of pure joy and it turned into an embarrassment. You’ll forever look back at the first time you sang with shame. And you shouldn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were incandescent. You lit up that stage and it was beautiful.”

The door to the trailer opened a crack and instantly Shane was on his feet. He opened the door all the way and slipped inside, closing it tightly behind him. Sitting in the dark on the floor not far from the door was a very disheveled Steve. It looked like he hadn’t slept in awhile. They all traveled together, but Steve had taken to locking people out until it was time to get on the road again.

“Hey, twin,” Shane muttered as he moved to sit next to him on the floor.

Steve snorted. They looked nothing alike but by some twist of fate they had been born on the same day, year and all. Steve was older by like seven hours. So Shane had taken to calling him twin when no one else was around.

“Hey,” he whispered. “I hate making people worry about me.”

Shane bumped their shoulders together. “Well that’s too damn bad, Steve. Because you don’t get to make that choice for other people.”

Steve out a shuddering breath. “It’s not even the fallout of people thinking I was grinding against him that bothers me the most.”

“Yeah?” Shane asked with a huff. “What is?”

“That I wanted to.” Steve buried his head in his hands. “I wanted to touch him, kiss him, hell even fuck him on that stage. But I knew that if I wavered for even a fucking second the backlash would be, oh so much worse.”

Shane looked at him for a moment. “No it wouldn’t.” Steve’s head whipped around to face him. “Steve...you hang off me and Simon all the time. You flirt with the audience. All the photo shoots of you are in sexy poses. Shit, man. You wouldn’t be doing anything different than a half a dozen heterosexual bands have done on stage.”

Steve thought about it for a moment. And Shane was right. A famous rockstar humped a massive blown up dick on stage and no one thought twice about that. At least none that weren’t going to be pearl clutching about it in the first place.

“Oh,” he whispered. “Fuck.”

“I think you should play up into more if I’m honest,” Shane huffed. “You’re out as bisexual. Play into the stereotype of being a slut. The people who know you, know you’re with Eddie and monogamous, but those people,” he pointed out of the trailer, “the ones that don’t matter? Soak up all that attention and feed on it.”

Steve’s eyes lit up and a slow smile spread out over his face. Pictures started forming in his head. He thought about how his persona was already the opposite of him in real life. He thought about the thrill he got when he saw the photos of him online from the angle that made it look risque. He thought about how he wanted to play up into flirting with Eddie on stage.

“Can you get the rest of the band in here with Robin and Eddie and Vickie if you can get her too?”

Shane’s answering grin was all he needed to know. Shane got to his feet and within minutes everyone was huddled together in the trailer and Steve explained his idea.

Vickie smiled wickedly. “I think it’s a brilliant idea and if Eddie’s on board with it I’d be happy to lean into that.”

Eddie sat back and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I think what might make it easier so people don’t focus on me is if I get the rest of the Corroded Coffin boys in on it too. That way if Steve as Abbadon is seen flirting with the whole band it’ll come off as being a flirt and not that there’s something specific between Abbadon and I.”

“I like that,” Simon agreed. “Abbadon is already all over Astraeus and Asmodeus so flirting with Jeff and Brian as well as Eddie that would play up into the slut allegations.”

Steve laughed and then shared a knowing smile with Robin. Yep. Simon might be shy about most things but when it came to Steve... that was a whole other kettle of fish.

“We’ll do another duet tonight,” Eddie said, nodding. “Have Abbadon start Gareth’s lap or something.”

“I’m glad you’re doing better,” Spence said, “but don’t lock us out next time. You’re there for us. It’s time you let us be there for you. Okay?”

Steve let out a low shuddering breath. “Yeah, okay.”

They all came up and gave Steve huge hugs before they piled out of the trailer again, leaving behind Shane and Eddie.

“Thanks for getting him to come out of his shell,” Eddie said to Shane. “I didn’t know what to say because it’s always been apart of my contract that I was out and loud.” He stood up and gave Steve a sweet kiss on the mouth before he, too, went back outside.

“You going to be okay, Steve?” Shane asked, moving to sit next to him on the sofa. Well futon technically, but semantics.

Steve looked up at his friend. “I worry about you, too.” Shane let out a an aborted laugh. “I know you’re frightened of being out, but I know you’ve been coming back from partying all hours of the night and sometimes day. Spence and Simon sleep like fucking logs and snore just like sawing them. But I hear you.”

Shane buried his head in his hands for a moment before running his fingers down his face. “I’ll tell you what, twin. I’ll cut back on the partying, if accept our help. And not just some of the time. Come to us for help and I’ll keep the partying to a minimum.”

Steve barked out a laugh. “Just take Spence out with you and we’ll call it a deal.”

He reached out his hand and shook it. “Deal.”

~

Tag List: CLOSED

Part 21

1- @mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog

2- @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence

3- @goodolefashionedloverboi @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog @irregular-child @blondie1006

4- @yikes-a-bee @bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten

5- @genderless-spoon @y4r3luv @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt

6- @disrespectedgoatman @eyehartart @dawners @thespaceantwhowrites @tinyplanet95

7- @iamthehybrid @croatoan-like-its-hot @papergrenade @cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars

8- @ravenfrog @w1ll0wtr33 @child-of-cthulhu @kultiras @dreamercec

9- @machete-inventory-manager @useless-nb-bisexual @stripey82 @dotdot-wierdlife @kal-ology

10- @sadisticaltarts @urkadop @chameleonhair @clockworkballerina @garden-of-gay

[thefanficmonster]

I’m Right Here

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Mentions of a car accident (minor), Injuries

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff

Summary: There is nothing scarier than those moments when every breath you take is shallow; when your heart is racing and your body is drenched in cold sweat. When you are rushing to the aid of a hurt loved one, knowing you can never be fast enough because your mind and fear are at least a mile ahead of you. Corpse has to experience these exact moments after a frightening call that informs him of his girlfriend’s car accident.

Requested by @sugiliteshadow . Hi! Thank you so much for you request, darling. Sorry to be posting it so late and I can’t thank you enough for your patience. I hope the fic itself makes up for the wait. Please enjoy! Stay safe! Love, Vy ❤

It’s been about an hour since I got off the phone with Y/N and my concern is through the roof. She called me from the parking lot of the office building where she works at, telling me she’s be home in less than half an hour and asking if I needed her to pick up anything along the way. I have been trying to brush away the worries, comforting myself with the fact that I did request a specific type of iced tea and knowing Y/N, she’s probably looking for it in multiple stores because she couldn’t find it in the convenience store that’s along her way back home. I should’ve told her not to sweat it considering I don’t need it right away or anything.  I have tried distracting myself with editing just to hinder myself from picking up my phone and debating weather to call her or not. I may be worried but I don’t wanna put her life in danger by calling her while she’s driving.

I keep my hands on my keyboard and mouse, my phone halfway across the room just in case. Another thirty minutes pass by with no sound of the door being unlocked or even a car pulling up. My fingers are beginning to drum over the buttons on my keyboard anxiously. I have had to go back and redo so many things with the video I’m editing because my mind simply isn’t present. It’s wandering around the city, looking for that one familiar car that’s always outside our house, parked in the driveway. That’s currently being driven by my girlfriend of two years Y/N.

My phone’s ringtone snaps me out of the downwards spiral of my thoughts, simultaneously picking up the speed of my heartbeat. I basically launch myself out of my chair and towards the bed where the ringing is coming from. I feel a wave of relief rush over me when I see Y/N’s name on the lit screen.

“Hey babe, where have you been?“ I ask as soon as I answer the call. It feels like my whole body shuts down when I finally pick up on the sound of blaring sirens in the background.

“Sir, I’m sorry to inform you Miss Y/L/N has been in an accident.” The words the female voice on the phone says cut through me like a knife, sending chills of paralyzing fear all over my body, “You were the last person she contacted before the accident which is why we’ve stepped in contact with you. However, if you are not able to come collect Miss Y/L/N, please contact a family member of hers.“

The calmness of her tone is freaking me out of my skin and mind, “Is she ok?! Where is she?!“

“She’s alright, sir. She’s not completely conscious yet, though. But she will be by the time you arrive. Her injuries are not in any way life-threatening. She has a few cuts and bruises and a concussion. A medical team has already taken care of her.“

Before I know it, I’m already out the door, the location the policewoman gave me in my head as I get behind the wheel of my car which I rarely use. Thankfully, the road the accident happened on is less than fifteen minutes away. Due to the late hour there is close to no traffic on the roads so I make it to the scene in no time.  Y/N’s car is surrounded by two cop cars and two ambulances. I barely even notice the black Honda Civic that is almost equally as beat up as Y/N’s Toyota. Speaking of the Toyota, its front bumper is completely obliterated - the headlights, blinkers and windshield in pieces and shards on the pavement. 

In the first ambulance there’s a guy passed out on a gurney with an ivy rip connected to his arm. In the one next to it is Y/N, sitting hunched over with her head hanging low, her hair falling over her face. 

“Y/N?“ I rush over to her, reaching out to touch her shoulder but withdrawing my arm in case she has a bruise in that spot.

She lifts her head, a look of relief and happiness flashing across her face. She lets out a sigh, a small smile appearing on her lips as her eyes fill with tears. “Corpse...” her hand reaches out for mine which is still hanging in the air. I give her my other hand and she uses me as support to slowly stand up. She lets go of my hands and wraps her arms around me in a tight hug as a quiet sob leaves her chest. “I was so scared when I woke up. I couldn’t remember anything.”

“It’s ok, you’re ok now. I’m here, I’m right here.“ I gently smooth her hair while carefully holding her in my embrace. She has a few purple bruises along her arms and cuts on her cheek and neck which are covered in white bandages with small dark red stains. The most major thing I can see is the cut on her left temple which is also covered up. I press a tender kiss to the right one. “Are you in any pain?“ I pull away to get a better look at her.

Thankfully she shakes her head, “No, I’m ok. My elbow hurts a little but that’s it.”

I nod, moving a strand of hair behind her ear, kissing her forehead. Just as I’m about to ask her what exactly happened one one of the police officers approaches us.

“A drunk driver. He ran the red light and crashed straight into her car.“ The officer says, judging by her voice it’s the same woman that called me. “You don’t remember that, do you?“

Y/N turns to her, “I just remember hearing a loud crash and then darkness. I didn’t know what had happened until you told me when I woke up.”

The policewoman gives us a sincere smile, lightly touching Y/N’s shoulder “It’s ok, sweetheart. You are alright, that’s what matters. And you have someone here by your side.”

Y/N’s eyes meet mine when she gives me the most loving glance, the one that I often catch in her eyes - the one that always melts me. “He always is.” she says, running her fingers down my arm, interlocking hers with mine when they reach my hand.

The policewoman tells us good night and walks over to the other ambulance. We stick around to see the cars get taken away and Y/N gives her info so they can contact her when the car is repaired. I know how much she loves that car - it’s the first and only car she has ever owned. She has had it for about seven years and calls it her child basically. I never thought I’d be jealous of a car in my life - just kidding. But my point has been made - she’s never been apart from it or driven another car.

Wrapping my arm around her while she watches her car being taken away, I turn her around, leading her towards my car. “Let’s get you home. You’ll be 100% under my care and no complaints will be accepted.”

She rolls her eyes playfully, snuggling up into my side, “Don’t make a big deal about this please. And, for the love of God, don’t baby me too much, ok?”

I grin down at her, “What was that, I didn’t quite catch it?“

“Corpseeee...“ She pouts, a frown on her face, making her look so childish it’s absolutely adorable.

“Save the whining, it ain’t gonna work.“ I open the door to the passenger seat, stepping aside so she can get in the my car.

Surprisingly enough, she actually doesn’t complain the rest of the way home nor when we arrive. Nor when I instruct her to stay in bed and not move unless it’s absolutely necessary. I basically bring all the snacks from the kitchen into our room while she compiles a list of movies we will be watching because no sleep will be had tonight.  “I love you.“ Y/N says through a sigh halfway through the second movie.

“I love you too. But don’t fall asleep.“ I tickle her side, causing her to giggle and squirm in an attempt to get away from me.

“Ok, ok, but you’re gonna have to help me. If I blink, I’ll be a goner.“ She yawns, shuffling back towards me. When she flashes me that hinting wide smile, I know exactly what she’s insinuating.

I sigh, giving in with ease. “When you were here before...“

“Couldn’t look you in the eye...“ she backs me up just as I knew she would

“You’re just like an angel...“

“Your skin makes me cry...“

Needless to say, we end up duetting random songs - rap songs, heavy metal, pop songs, some of my songs, some Christmas songs, Disney songs - making it one of the best movie marathons we’ve ever had, the unfortunate events of the day far behind us and completely gone from our minds.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams  @the-fuck-up-of-today  @chiefwombathoagiepizza  @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @symphony-butterfly  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @baby-iyania  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @pinkhairedsapphic  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap  @maybe-im-dead-idk  @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade  @chaoticgayandnerdy  @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @strawberrycheesecakekenzistuff  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @amysingh2512  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @faepetersen  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr

[cherry-interlude]

Lana Del Rey Album Songs Ranking (Remade)

It’s been a few years since I ranked all of Lana’s (album) songs so I wanted to do it again. This is all my OPINION, which I’m sure some people might disagree with, but you don’t have to agree with it. This is also a very long post.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

This cover song is just a little too drab and uninteresting to me, and I never listen to it. After the brilliant, sprawling, sexy, heart-breaking tracks on Honeymoon, this feels like a tacked-on track just to plump up the album. It feels simply like a cover.

For Free

Though this is a well-made song, with three brilliant women owning the track, it again just feels like a cover. It fits in well with Chemtrails, but by the time I get to this song I’ve had my fill.

Breaking Up Slowly

It just feels repetitive and simple, something only to have on in the background while my attention is diverted. It’s a good song and a nice attempt at bringing Lana’s country music in, but it does little to keep me interested.

God Knows I Tried

This song is filler. Jammed between the jazzy softness of Terrence Loves You and the pop favourite High By The Beach, this track just feels like it was sort of shoved in. It doesn’t even feel completely right on Honeymoon, instead a throwaway song that bridges Ultraviolence and Honeymoon whilst not fitting in with either album.

24

Though perfect for the credits of a Hollywood movie, 24 has plenty of flair but nothing of substance. The lyrics aren’t as imaginative as most of Lana’s music and I’m not surprised this song found itself near the end of the album.

Lucky Ones

Personally, this song irritates me. It's sickly in its lyrics, sugary in the romance and classic Lana tropes of dangerous men and Lana starstruck by them no matter if they’re ‘careless cons and crazy liars’. The little flair of the verses and the overtly sweet chorus really irks me, especially following the brilliance that is Lana’s first ‘Del Rey’ album.

Coachella

It is a rushed track, sounding completely unfinished and hurried with an unconvincing track beat. Polished, it would be brilliant – but it sounds like Lana thought of the song (which sounds promising in the video where she sits in the forest and sings) and had to force it to ‘fit in’ with the trap-pop tracks on Lust For Life. The lyrics are thoughtful, if not cliché, but it could have been done better.

This Is What Makes Us Girls

It just doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe because I can’t connect to the lyrics in any way, I just don’t feel anything when I hear this song and choose to skip it. That being said, the demos are pretty fun.

God Bless America

As much as it’s a song honouring women during a period of time when feminism was being shaken, it doesn’t quite feel like Lana’s heart is in it. The patriotism is uneasy considering she was removing herself from the American flag and its associations, and the anthemic feel never lifts. It’s a sweet song, but never goes deeper than surface level.

Religion

Though fairly sexy and haunting – her unshaken faith to her man, her drawling voice – this delicate track is too simple and sombre for me to get completely into it. I always want to skip and get to my favourites.

In My Feelings

It’s great Lana has a bad-girl, bad-bitch, fuck-you pop track but this, like Coachella, feels unfinished. It has the vibe of work in progress, and the vocals are still messy (surely intentionally, though it doesn’t always come across that way) as well as trying slightly too hard. It doesn’t compare to Fucked My Way Up To The Top.

Beautiful People Beautiful Problems

The verses don’t match up to the choruses and I feel nothing – not empowered or emotional – when listening to this song, but it is a beautiful duet between Lana and Stevie. Their voices really are divine together and though I don’t listen to this song much, the demos are even better.

Change

Mostly because it freaks me out, this is a song I don’t often listen to. With a basic structure yet long, meandering lyrics, Lana broods over the state of America at the time, which can make for depressive listening. Though it’s a pretty enough song, it’s seriousness is too much to bear sometimes.

Blue Velvet

Sometimes too slow, Blue Velvet doesn’t inspire multiple listens in me, but it is a gorgeous cover and absolutely a showcase of Lana’s vocals.

Diet Mountain Dew

A cheeky little track that won many over, it still is hard for me to fully get into it. However, it ages like fine wine and is a wonderful step into the Lizzy Grant unreleased tracks (especially with the many, sometimes even better demos).  

Burning Desire

It’s a messy song, with Lana’s vocals shaky and the instrumental not quite up to scratch, but this song is certainly a guilty pleasure and great for getting into the sexy mood. The car metaphors are a bit much, especially considering it’s for a car advert, but if you get past that it’s a song to add to your freaky playlist.

Money Power Glory

As powerful and dark as this song is, with incredible instrumentals and Lana at her most dynamic, I barely remember the lyrics of the verses, instead waiting for the rich choruses.

Swan Song

A gentle track that has a lot of untapped power behind it, this is a quiet stormer of a song that has a lot of heart and grace. It may be a filler track, but it is definitely better than some.

Bartender

Even more gentle is the confessional, piano-led Bartender, which is a sweet little love song stripped back much like Lana’s simple romance where she sneaks out to see her lover. The main (and probably ridiculous) thing that keeps me from falling in love with this song more – though I’m already pretty amazed by it – is the very quiet sound of feedback that comes and goes, a fuzzy noise that is very subtle but distracting enough for me.

The Next Best American Record

This song would be higher if it was Architecture – the gorgeous, well-thought stunner that wowed us all when it was leaked. The lyrics are less fractured relationship and more wishy washy, wiping away the gritty sadness that made Architecture so beloved (at least to me). Now it’s been made ‘happier’, it’s hard to tell what the song is – is Lana happy with her lover or is she sad like in the unreleased version? Is this a break up song or a celebration of the romance? What does it mean now that it is both of them that are obsessed with writing? It’s something for me to certainly explore more, but it is paled in comparison to the original.

When The World Was At War

This track grew on me, with the hidden lyrics, fun vocals and hopeful message. Lana knows how to make a song that lifts your mood and this is certainly one of them.

Guns and Roses

I used to despise this song – finding it boring and dull. However, after giving it a listen years later, it is in fact a beautiful song with a gritty feel that is perfect for Ultraviolence. It fits in perfectly with the album and the extended tracks, and though it isn’t the strongest lyrically, the vocals and dreamy feel is thrilling.

Lolita

I choose to listen to this song without the underage character – or romantic connotations of her – in mind, instead seeing this song as a grown woman trying to charm an older man. However, as I have grown older – and read (and loved) the book several times more – I feel more inclined to distance myself from this song. It’s a fun, perky pop track but it definitely feels dated.

Dance Till We Die

Lana sings of her connection to other famous female singers and her daughter’s chosen name, making this a very personal pop song that also reminds of When The World Was At War for its hopeful and ultimately positive edge. It is a little slow but incredible touching, and the bridge is so kickass you can’t help but dance along.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

This is a very sweet little song that again showcases the more positive side of Lana’s music, rather than the heartbroken and distressed women she tends to play. Though it is a filler song it’s a very pretty one and so catchy.

Wild At Heart

Wild At Heart is similar to Not All Who Wander Are Lost in that it’s a departure from a tragic femme fatale, instead a love song that also mimics Swan Song in that she considers leaving fame for her lover. What makes it even better is how Lana samples How To Disappear, a much sadder track, and twists it into something happy with this ultimately more upbeat album.

Radio

Like Diet Mountain Dew, Radio is another perky tune that is more than just a catchy filler. It’s a little bit sassy and has an edge to it (with the expletives and how her life is sweet not like sugar but cinnamon) that keeps it from being too frothy. Speaking of Lana’s newfound fame, it’s a nice break from the love ballads and tragedies peppered throughout Born To Die.

Without You

Shockingly dramatic, Without You is the ultimate symbol of Lana’s older music – a woman who could only feel happy unless her man was in her life. She has definitely moved on for the most part from wailing her demise at losing her lover but Without You is still glamorous, catchy and perfect to singalong to.

The Other Woman

This is one of Lana’s best covers – Nina Simone’s song about being the other woman and how it is in fact lonely and heart-breaking. Lana makes the song her own, her vocals stunning and lo-fi with instrumentals that are perfect for Ultraviolence.

How To Disappear

I feel that the live version of How To Disappear, where she sung it on stage before it was released with its real instrumental, is the superior version. It’s stripped back and tender enough to feel the emotion thoroughly, but the album version doesn’t disappoint. It’s one of many great tracks from (what I think is) her best album, and has a great story within it.

Fucked My Way Up To The Top

Lana’s satirical, sexy and stirring Fucked My Way Up To The Top was just tongue-in-cheek enough to keep from being too much of a cliché. Perhaps based on her real experiences but definitely a fuck-you to anyone who critiques her for owning her sexuality, it’s a little bit controversial but an incredible song.

Tomorrow Never Came

This song, which is a gorgeous duet with Sean Ono Lennon and a nice nod to 20th century music, subverts expectations that it is a sad song by in fact including a happy ending. I love how it can make you cry with both sadness and happiness, and tells a sweet story that paints pictures of parks and country houses.

Yosemite

The long-awaited Yosemite didn’t disappoint, and though it took a while to grow on me it became a classic and somehow familiar track. It’s impossible to not sing or dance to it and wouldn’t be out of place in Lust For Life.

Hope Is A Dangerous Thing

It’s quite slow – the Change/24/Old Money of Norman Fucking Rockwell – but it is clearly a personal and well-thought song that references Lana’s great inspiration Sylvia Plath. Lana’s deft at getting her thoughts out in song and I think though it’s not a song I often listen to, it is beautiful.

Honeymoon

The sweeping violins, dramatic vocals and the dangerous undercurrent makes Honeymoon crackle with electricity. It’s an amazing introduction to an album that once again has dangerous men, bad girls who get hurt but are strong again and amazing instrumentals. Though it’s not the best song from the album, it sets the tone perfectly.

Million Dollar Man

Like Without You, it’s another song of complete devastation, which Lana has grown from in her music. Million Dollar Man shows some great vocals and lyrics, and gets the emotion out perfectly whilst honouring the music that inspired her.

Old Money

The verses are pretty enough but they don’t catch my attention the way the choruses do. The slow, steady song took a long time for me to really appreciate but it’s impossible not to feel some kind of emotion when Lana lets her lover know she will be with them whenever they need her.

Sad Girl

Like The Other Woman, Sad Girl shows how being the other woman has it’s downfalls but appreciates the sexy, exciting side of it – how alluring her man is and how much of a bad bitch she may be. Once again, it’s a pure Ultraviolence song that shows Lana’s vocals and music in the best way whilst showcasing the classic caricature of the femme fatale.

Dark Paradise

Strangely upbeat for such a sad song, Dark Paradise is great to dance to but also something that makes you want to cry. Lana’s vocalisations and dramatic lyrics don’t quite compare to some of her other songs but Dark Paradise is iconic.

Summertime Sadness

The slow-burn, emotional gut punch that is Summertime Sadness is always a classic and one of Lana’s best. Though it is far from my personal favourite it is absolutely an outstanding song and the perfect example of Lana’s most well-made and well-delivered songs.

Gods and Monsters

The strained Gods and Monsters is a great tale about the evil side of fame, which Lana never quite delves too deeply into but gives a metaphorical and mildly personal nod to. Gods and Monsters is one of those songs that has you singing along and feeling strong.

Carmen

Carmen is a beautiful, sad story that feels rich and luxurious despite its harrowing lyrics of an alcoholic star. The French bridge adds to the decadence and it feels like a dirty alcohol bottle wrapped in silk, from the tentative verses to the unnerving chorus.

Born To Die

One of Lana’s original pop chart tracks, this is a song that never grows old. It’s one of the blueprints of the Lana Del Rey era and deftly shows her vocals whilst setting the tone for the pessimistic, romantic star in the early 2010s.

Salvatore

Opening with laughing – or crying – Salvatore has an eerie feel to it, though it is completely erotic in feel (enough to ignore some of the simpler lyrics). It is a song that feels dreamy, much like the rest of Honeymoon, but passionate and reminding of some of her older music (from the vocals in the bridge that have a Lolita/Fucked My Way Up To The Top feel to them to the continued trope of bad boys and glamour).

Flipside

Dirty, gritty and quite contained, Flipside is a song that I wished had more attention. It’s not her most imaginative song but there’s something about it, from the gloomy guitars to the hushed vocals, that have me wanting to sing it over and over. It also is one of her great fuck-off songs, as sympathetic as it is resilient.

Doin’ Time

Lana really turns this song into her own with the summery instrumentals and the pop edge she is so good at. It’s surprisingly one of her best covers and a fresh-feeling track that isn’t bogged down by emotion or maudlin music.

Lust For Life

Breathless and oh-so-romantic, Lust For Life is one of those songs that was perfect for the charts, and a key piece in Lana’s turn into becoming more positive. However, as fun and lovely as this song is, the demos are a whole other ball game. A little more ethereal, they fit Lana much more perfectly and it’s sad she dismissed the witchy feel for a song that is brilliant but generic.

Love

One of Lana’s warmest and most refreshing songs, she looks at love with fondness and dedicates this track to her ‘kids’. She knows her fans well and to make a song that references them (much like Happiness Is A Butterfly’s nod to her ‘babies’) makes this song all the more pleasant.

The Greatest

Lana’s vocals are put to good use in this intimately-written song. She speaks her mind in her reminiscence of the past and the worries for the future, all with a storming chorus that is certainly one of her best.

Love Song

Tender and almost tentative, Love Song is one of those tracks that is romantic through-and-through. It’s stripped back enough to feel like it really is a private song for only her lover’s ears, just as confessional as Cinnamon Girl and Bartender.

White Mustang

Short but sweet, this song has all the makings of a Lana Del Rey song, harking back to the Born To Die days with her imagery and fallen love affair, but it is spiky enough to be part of her later music where she starts giving less shits. The whistling and race cars are a nice touch, displaying her play on words snugly.

Dark But Just A Game

Sort of jazzy, Dark But Just A Game is ever-shifting and never quite settles on a particular sound. It’s cohesive, however, and clearly states what Lana is thinking in a way that works with the rest of Chemtrails. It’s pretty sexy as well, which doesn’t hurt the enjoyability factor.

High By The Beach

The wooziness, the carelessness and the growth from a woman begging to be put in a movie to a woman who is able to do as she pleases. Lana stumbles and swears through the song but knows exactly what she wants – and it isn’t disappointing men or stalking paparazzi.

Let Me Love You Like A Woman

Some may think it much slower and more boring than a lot of her tracks, but I think it’s a tidy, sweet track. Lana plainly states her love, urges her man to run away with her and lets her emotions (and voice) do the talking.

Summer Bummer

Lana is as restless as a hot summer in this song and it works. Her brisk-paced yet soft-voiced lyrics and gorgeous imagery gets my pulse racing, and ASAP Rocky’s verse works well for it. Though it would have been interesting to get a full, solo Summer Bummer, Rocky adds an edge to this song and compliments his ‘lover’ well.

Groupie Love

Much more flowery and wide-eyed, Groupie Love is like a contradiction. Lana’s passionate dalliance with Rocky’s god-like star opposes the relationship in Summer Bummer (uncertain) but both are just as secret. Groupie Love has the edge of being ultra-dreamy and demonstrating pure love – and lust – without the messiness.

American

It’s a filler track that has potential for much more. It’s an adorable song, almost cautious in its lead-up to the satisfying chorus, and is filled with Lana tropes galore. Following Lana’s stressed Ride and coming before the darkly sensual Cola, American is a breath of fresh air.

National Anthem

What an anthem it is. It’s simply provocative and one of her most classic tracks. Mixing love, money and fame together with a bit of sex thrown in, National Anthem is precisely what Lana’s America seems to be.

Is This Happiness?

It’s muted, mournful and resentful, questioning a relationship that Lana wants to keep but at the same time doesn’t. This is one of Lana’s best sad songs, tearful as it is still adoring beneath the exasperation.

Art Deco

Art Deco is purely dreamy, a song to bathe in. The lyrics are a little bit simple but Lana’s vocals and the flowing, aquatic music is the perfect hook.

Terrence Loves You

Lana’s jazzy song is delicate, letting only her voice and the saxophone dominate. With references to David Bowie, Lana pines for someone who hurt her badly, but she soothes herself with music the way plenty of her fans do when listening to her records.

White Dress

The vocals were a surprise at first – high, strained whispers – but they definitely grew on me. Painting a picture of young Lana loving life and dreaming of bigger things, it’s nostalgic in lyrics but also reminds of some of Lana’s old work – her unreleased tracks where she would serve coke and fries.

Chemtrails

It gets better as it goes on, growing and twisting from a song to sunbathe to into a restless, darkening track. It has the best vibe for an idealised world with something a bit off, and the imagery of pools, jewels and schools grounds Lana into a (very, very rich) normality rather than the glamorous star she always liked to portray.

13 Beaches

Opening with a quote from Carnival of Souls, Lana takes High By The Beach to the next level. She goes from sticking her middle finger up to the paparazzi to simply wishing she would be allowed to live her life without them hounding her. It’s a matured approach that uses sound interestingly, with beeps and whines adding a strange texture to the song.

Cola

The controversial line was intended as humour, but strangely it works. Even if Cola is satire like Fucked My Way Up To The Top, Lana owns the ‘other woman’, the patriotic singer, the sexy and unashamed woman who says what she thinks without caring of the consequences. It’s an iconic song, even if you have to turn the volume down to not offend.

Black Beauty

The unreleased version is ten times more emotive, with its stripped back and lonesome feel, but the album version is just as good. The ultimately loving but unhappy lyrics are full of stunning imagery, and this is a song that would have been perfect with a music video.

Body Electric

Blasphemous as much as it honours icons, Lana sinfully owns Body Electric. The bridge is a bit out of place but Lana’s eyebrow-raising approach to religion and sexuality is genius.

Off To The Races

The best demonstration of Lana’s vocals, Lana plays the glam girl without a care just as well as the Lolita-type, needy lover in this ode to money and her man. The soaring bridge is stunning, and the swirling violins add an air of Hollywood to it.

Bel Air

Completely overlooked (in my opinion), Bel Air is an apologetic song of redemption, a shining and honest track that is as touching as much as it is hazy and tranquil. With soft piano and the sound of children opening and closing the song respectively, it’s set apart from Paradise with a pureness that Lana pulls off well.

Ultraviolence

Controversial at the time and still controversial now, Ultraviolence is about being weak, about giving in to love no matter how toxic. I don’t entirely support the lyrics but it’s a stunning song, lo-fi enough to feel uneasy and haunting. When you shut off from the lyrics, you get a simply beautiful track.

Pretty When You Cry

Lana’s imperfect, close-to-tears vocals are wonderful in this song, and she really lets her emotion shine through. The pained guitar and Lana’s increasingly distressed singing are enough to get you feeling exactly as she does.

Florida Kilos

Fun. Fresh. Freeing. Lana’s ode to drugs is simply something to dance to and sing, and she somehow manages to get the sunny feeling across even with the Ulraviolence-esque grunginess. It’s one of my favourite songs of Lana’s because it’s just so happy, which is a nice departure from some of her heavier tracks.

Cherry

Many people’s favourite – Cherry. It was my favourite of Lana’s for a long time, dripping with sex appeal and sadness but with a cute dance to compliment it. It had all the right stuff wrapped up in a tidy, compact box and the imagery is lush. I still love this song but since then we’ve had the ‘Cherries’ of her next few albums, Cinnamon Girl and Tulsa Jesus Freak. Like these, Cherry was a song that seemed set apart from the rest of the album and was a novel take on her typical music.

California

Simply for It's meaningful, raw lyrics – promising to be there as soon as he wants her, much like in Old Money – California is a sun-soaked dream with a very honest approach. Lana isn’t completely devastated, or begging for her lover to return. She is sad but realistic, and only wants the best for him. It’s beautiful and sad with a crazily addictive chorus.

West Coast

The shift from fast-paced, grungey, whispered verses to sprawling, drawling choruses – complete with weirdly sexy beeps towards the end of the song – shook us all, and it’s one of Lana’s most interesting songs. Lana honours the West Coast but also her man, in love with the music scene as much as she is with him.

Shades of Cool

The snide verses. The gradually growing music. The guitars. The explosive chorus. The nuclear bridge. The absolutely perfect timing and pacing. Shades of Cool is flawless, another Sad Girl but with much more power, emotion and music.

The Blackest Day

The Blackest Day needs more attention. Cold in places, almost lost, but then wounded in the chorus, The Blackest Day rolls with the emotions and is the kind of song that makes you want to fall apart and sob. Which is good, in a way, as it shows how brilliantly Lana conveys emotion.

Freak

Cult-like and haunting, this is the sexy predecessor of California. Lana swoons and tempts in this track, from her harmonising to her pouting “take it to the back if you really wanna talk” - not to mention the rest of the song in its entirely, all elements married together to create the perfect seductive track.

Music To Watch Boys To

Like Art Deco, Music To Watch Boys To is fairly aquatic and dreamy. Like Freak, it has that cult vibe (the chanting of the bridge). However, this song is perfectly its own, from the mix-up of vocal styles to the shifting tone (sad to smug to obsessively in love).

Norman Fucking Rockwell

What an opener. Norman Fucking Rockwell lets the actual singing and lyrics do the talking, the instrumentals pushed back enough to let Lana’s gut-punching first line (“God damn, man child, you fucked me so good that I almost said I love you”) and her blue yet annoyed insults to her Norman Rockwell do the talking.

Mariner’s Apartment Complex

It’s a song for yourself and for the people you love. Lana is strong enough to take care of herself, to be her own guidance – and to take on her lover’s problems too. It’s an empowering song, so distant from a lot of her discography, and I adore the nautical references and the hopeful message.

Brooklyn Baby

Satire again, but it still works. Lana plays a (fairly cringey) and somewhat self-absorbed, over-confident singer who is too cool for her own boyfriend, but she does it well. From saying how she wished people didn’t judge her, to the freedom the seventies gives her, to the warm guitars and upbeat tone, to the backup vocals of Seth Kaufman, Brooklyn Baby is a song to remember for all the right reasons.

Ride

Ride is one of Lana’s best, if not the best. With her devotion to America and her open thoughts about needing other people to make her feel good and happy, Lana knocks it out of the park with the superb step up from Born To Die.

Video Games

Video Games is just beautiful, plain and simple. Lana’s low voice, telling a flowing story of the simplicities of true love, are removed from her ‘famous singer’ image she constantly tried to portray and instead open up to the heart of what she has always sung about: love and its many forms, good or bad.

Get Free

The new take on Ride was a pleasant surprise. From changing the lyrics to show she wants to move on and be happy to (silently) name-dropping her influences, Lana’s manifesto was a personal song that we could all resonate with. The outro of the beach was the perfect closer to Lust For Life, and Get Free summarised the album which took her from sad girl to someone who could let herself move on.

Heroin

Heroin is no doubt one of her best. It’s tense and dark, referencing Manson and (allegedly) a friend she lost years ago. Lana lets herself dive into her worst thoughts headfirst, not so much dreamy as it is nightmarish, but still comes out the other side dreaming of marzipan and ready to move on.

Tulsa Jesus Freak

The third of the ‘Cherries’, Tulsa Jesus Freak goes straight to a happy place. Where Cherry was angry and Cinnamon Girl was cautious, this track dives into being comfortable with her man. It was just as passionate as the other two songs but about religion, sex and self-satisfaction.

Blue Jeans

Plucking guitars, crying violins and Lana weaving a tale about a gangsta who left her, without explanation, and the hurt that follows. Similarly tied to Dark Paradise, Blue Jeans is the next level of that, her tough-girl spoken verses dismissed as the choruses open up and she pours her heart out.

Cruel World

Lana is on top-form on this song, furious, maddened, sad, taunting – she hits every emotion with style. Lana grows more and more unstable as the song goes on, invoking images of a woman scorned and no longer taking that shit, but she still has a fragility about her as she comes undone that is tied directly to her Ultraviolence era.

Happiness Is A Butterfly

This song goes through many stages. She is unsure, not knowing how her lover feels. She is optimistic, elated as she tries to capture the butterfly. She is dismissive, no longer caring if she might get hurt – she loves too much. She is pissed off, sick of being treated badly. She gives in, simply wanting to dance and just be happy. The flow of this song is constant, a little messy, but it has the beautiful message pinned to it: to keep trying to be happy and do what you love.

Fuck It I Love You

I love the music video version more than the album version, the latter being more stripped back. Fuck It I Love You just gives in to emotion, acknowledging Lana is hurt, her lover is hurt, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. She simply lets that feeling take over.

Cinnamon Girl

Cinnamon Girl touched me like no other Lana song has. Where Cherry was a mixture of emotions, good and bad, angry and loving, devastated and thrilled, Cinnamon Girl was about cautious optimism. Lana urges her lover to give in, and she knows – smiling as she sings it – she wins.

Venice Bitch

Venice Bitch just has that soothing, unhindered feel to it – and not just from the nine minutes of pure music and vibe. Lana dedicates this song to the kind of love that is just wholesome and homely, all whilst touching on her insanity, her ever-lasting love for America and the modern world (her live streams). It feels nostalgic yet contemporary, and adding the “fucks” and “bitch[es]” helps keep this song from being to sugary sweet but instead what it is – an honest love song rooted in the idealised and the realistic.

[demondark81]

All, bitch

1: A song you like with a color in the title

Dustin Lynch- Seein' Red

Taylor Swift- Red

Miranda Lambert- White Liar

The Rigs- White Flag

2: A song you like with a number in the title

Lukas Graham- 7 years

Rob Zombie- House of 1,000 Corpses

3: A song that reminds you of summertime

Ben Platt- For Forever I love Dear Evan Hansen shut up

Luke Bryan- Rain is a Good Thing

4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

If I have any of these I can't think of it

5: A song that needs to be played LOUD

Imagine Dragons- Natural

Billie Eilish- Bad Guy I had to link the actual music video for this one because it's glorious

Panic! at the Disco- Let's Kill Tonight

Hollywood Undead- Riot

SO many more, but I gotta cut myself off

6: A song that makes you want to dance

.... Lee Brice- I Don't Dance

Sub Urban- Freak

Sub Urban- Cradles

7: A song to drive to

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLKiuvuUaD_Xma_qHN_zkW10dzwTQrQ1-N

8: A song about drugs or alcohol

Midland- Drinkin' Problem

9: A song that makes you happy

Luke Combs- Beautiful Crazy

Brett Eldridge- Somethin' I'm Good At

10: A song that makes you sad

Linkin Park- Heavy

Brad Paisley- Whiskey Lullaby

11: A song that you never get tired of

Ed Sheeran- Perfect

Toby Keith- How Do You Like Me Now

12: A song from your preteen years

I was obsessed with Taylor Swift

13: One of your favorite 80’s songs

Irene Cara- Fame

14: A song that you would love played at your wedding

Ed Sheeran- Thinking Out Loud

15: A song that is a cover by another artist

Nickelback- Devil Went Down To Georgia (I just discovered it and it is a bop)

Jensen Ackles- Simple Man (You saw this one coming)

Nathan Sharp- Heathens

Jonathan Young/Violet Orlandi- Square Hammer (man)

16: One of your favorite classical songs

I can't think of any...? I don't listen to classical music

17: A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

Set it Off- Partners in Crime

Silva Hound- Addict

18: A song from the year that you were born

Evanescence- Hello

19: A song that makes you think about life

Kenny Chesney- Noise

Faith Marie- Toxic Thoughts

Pet Shop Boys- Integral

20: A song that has many meanings to you

Rodney Atkins- If You're Going Through Hell

Fall Out Boy- The Phoenix

21: A favorite song with a person’s name in the title

You know I gotta-

SKYND- Tyler Hadley

Anna Murphey- Harley Quinn

22: A song that moves you forward

Shinedown- Second Chance

23: A song that you think everybody should listen to

Au/Ra- Dance in the Dark

STARSET- Infected

24: A song by a band you wish were still together

Rascal Flatts- God Bless the Broken Road

25: A song by an artist no longer living

Johnny Cash- Folsom Prison Blues

26: A song that makes you want to fall in love

Brett Young- In Case You Didn't Know

He is We- All About Us

27: A song that breaks your heart

Hinder- Lips of An Angel

Daughtry- It's Not Over

28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love

Jonathan Young/Jared Dines- Take Me To Church (Cover) ,,mm

Chris Stapleton- Broken Halos

29: A song that you remember from your childhood

Owl City- Fireflies

Toby Keith- Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue

P!nk- Funhouse

P!nk- Please Don't Leave Me

30: A song that reminds you of yourself

Stephanie Rice- Pages

[faithfulcat111]

I'm rewatching Starkid Homecoming and feeling things so gonna share some of my favourite bits (under read more cause will get long) (also this got super long, so this is just part 1 (or volume 1 if you know the soundtracks) and I'll do the second half soon):

-"In true Starkid fashion, we are scotch-taping this sucker together

-the Galatic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration making twisted abominations of everything

-Mariah's voice

-Jon getting super into TGWDLM opening song

-Lauren's outfit (that skirt is so sparkly)

-Jaimie during the beginning of Join Us and Die (and Jeff dancing behind her)

-Robert's hip movements

-Corey pulling Mariah into that lean during Show-Stopping number

-The dance onstage at beginning of Firebringer

-Brian H and Meredith both being fashion icons (I want both their outfits)

-Rachel's dress (too sparkly, but so pretty)

-Joe W during We Got Work to Do (and Joey having to stop the freakout)

-Lauren's voice

-Tiffany and Denise dancing at the end

-Lauren and Joey starting to leave stage but awkwardly turning to new microphones as they were in the next number (and Rachel just bouncing to hers)

-Rachel's iconic Mother glare at Jeff during the intro speech

-'Wisconsin!' Jeff just walking away, totally done

-Also, Corey holding that note during 'Wisconsin'

-Rachel and Jeff's dancing during Naked in a Lake

-Corey taking off his jacket to swing it over his head (and then putting it right back on)

-Rachel's singing during Speedrun

-Everyone's "speed running" during Speedrun

-Rachel and Jeff just going feral and running back and forth across the stage during Speedrun

-Joe M coming onstage with a hood zipped over his face and his face when he unzipped it for his intro

-The singing for Ani (it is honestly my least favourite show, but the music is still so good)

-The knowledge from the Behind the Scenes video that Clark tried to have Denise do her dance from Ani, but Nick "shut down" all dancing cause he 'Didn't have time for that.' (Didn't stop a large amount of dancing anyway)

-Joe W's intro for Twisted

-Jim's voice (damn, xe is so good)

-The ensemble trying to do some of those dance moves during No One Remembers Achmed but being utterly uncoordinated

-'...when you flex those impeccable pecs' Joe W just doing that chest flex thing

-Just appreciation that they knew what the audience and kept the entirety of No One Remembers Achmed in what is supposed to be a medley

-None of the ensemble agreeing on what to use instead of fucker cause I guess they couldn't use is for this stage version and saying different things like 'poker', 'lover', or 'forker' and it is just a blended mess

-'He forked a tiger' Robert, I love your voice

-Brittany and Carlos and their amazing singing

-Dylan's singing during Happy Ending

-I realize I don't know this guy, but his singing during the intro to Holy Musical Batman

-The dancing onstage for Holy Musical Batman

-Joe W's dancing during Super Friends

-Wait, that is Nick G, I'm dumb. Anyway, his and Joe W's singing during Super Friends

-Alex and Mariah doing a duet of Status Quo and their amazing voices

-Dylan's singing for Kick It Up a Notch

-Also, Jaimie, Brian H, and Jim during this song. Iconic

-Brant and Joey running on stage for I Wanna Be a Starship Ranger

-Brant's voice

-Also, Brant and Joey mocking each other during the song

-Joe W looking way too happy singing 'fly on the wall' and I love him for that

-'You guys having a good time? I just wanted to check!' Brian H, you are amazing

-The fact that dick was another word I guess they couldn't say during this stage version and one of their shows is literally called Me and My Dick, so they couldn't say it

-Joey walking back and forth to try a few mica before picking the one he started at

-Joe W not knowing his lines when he ran onstage so he just said garblish and it worked

-It wasn't in this filmed version, but it was in the behind-the-scenes version when Joe W ran onstage and literally knocked his mic into the (luckily closed) pit

-AJ just stopping conducting and turning around to steal Joe W's mic and push him out of the way

-AJ's singing during Listen to My Heart

-'Do I smell?' 'Pretty bad'

-Joey's singing during Listen to My Heart

-Both of their dancing during it

-'Hey Vaness, omg, would you guess that I'm not wearing undies today?' 'Ew'

-Ready to Go is just everything, I love it

-Everyone's dancing during Ready to Go especially during the line 'my hormones are freaking out'

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

So a while back, @monotonous-minutia did a short yet comprehensive review of every production of Les contes d’Hoffmann they’d seen, and now, in much the same vein and because a) I think about this opera way too much for my own good and b) I’ve actually seen all ten available filmed productions of this opera (and several multiple times), here is my semi-replication but with Les Huguenots instead of Les contes d’Hoffmann.

And yes I am up at 5:30 on a Friday morning DON’T JUDGE ME

The Productions And The Unique Attributes That Come To Mind Immediately:

Sydney 1990: the OG for yours truly that was also Joan Sutherland’s farewell to staged opera so that’s cool

Montpellier 1990: the production that had strikingly-colored sets but gave pretty much everyone a form of one of three or so costumes

Berlin 1991: there is a wall. also it is in German. also pretty much the entire third act is cut for some reason.

Bilbao 1999: the production that had horrible lighting and that’s most of what I remember thinking tbh

Metz 2004: the one that had the monstrosity of a Black and White Checkered Floor and also fucked up the ending very badly and I’m still mad about it almost a year and a half later

Liège 2005: one of only two productions to follow the stage direction of Nevers sailing in on a boat at the end of Act III (the other was Bilbao). fittingly, Nevers looked like a pirate.

Bard Summerscape 2009: the production where the director looked at the libretto and went “this opera isn’t dark and violent ENOUGH” 

Budapest 2017: the one that looks like it was operated entirely with Baroque stage machines and also GIANT WORDS

Paris 2018: what if we set this opera in the future

Genève 2020: what if we set this opera in a movie studio but not consistently and then shipped pretty much everyone with everyone else

Further thoughts under the cut:

Sydney 1990: as mentioned, the first production I ever watched. a great way to hook first-timers. the production is rather heavily cut but in such a way that if you don’t know the opera well it seems to flow quite nicely, cutting about an hour of music. Urbain’s insert rondo is included but slightly cut, the ballet is cut in half, the ball scene is not included. the cast is one of the stronger ones out there: in addition to Sutherland, who still manages to be impressive, both of the other main ladies (Amanda Thane as Valentine and Suzanne Johnston as Urbain) are excellent. the guys are all good too; special mention to John Wegner, who is one of the few Saint-Brises who doesn’t disappoint me. production is traditional, occasionally a bit static, but it works well.

Montpellier 1990: despite my nagging about the costumes and the occasional standing around, probably my favorite overall production. the ball scene is included; neither Urbain’s rondo nor the ballet are. other cuts (remember, this is before the critical edition) are minimal. the most consistently strong leading septet; all of the principals are towards the top of my favorites for their respective roles. production is traditional erring towards minimalist; this works surprisingly well. unfortunately there are no subtitles and the video quality isn’t the greatest.

Berlin 1991: this production is just so confusing to me. cuts are...confusing to say the least. almost all of Act III is cut; all that remains are the first five or so minutes, the nightwatchman’s scene, and the finale, which are fused into an unrelated scene in which a Catholic/Huguenot game of tug-o’-war turns deadly. the ballet, the ball scene, and Urbain’s rondo are all cut. as earlier stated, it is in German, and the translation used has some odd differences (Marcel becomes Raoul’s brother in this staging for no specific reason). Richard Leech’s Raoul, Angela Denning’s Marguérite, and Camille Capasso’s Urbain are all excellent; the rest of the cast is decent but no more. setting seems to be Berlin in the 1960s but references to World War II are continually made through various production elements. the production handles the last two acts surprisingly well but messes with characterization some.

Bilbao 1999: it’s freaking DARK in here did the lighting designer later move to Vienna or something??? ball scene and ballet included; Urbain’s rondo no. one of the lesser-cut productions, actually: it’s in the ballpark of about thirty minutes. cast is mostly unmemorable (which is both a good and bad thing), with the exception of Marcello Giordani as a wonderful Raoul. production is traditional. would help if I could have SEEN MORE OF IT

Metz 2004: the production started off well enough and I had high hopes but things RAPIDLY went south in the final act. the amount of material cut wasn’t so much the issue as what they cut (more on that in a bit), as not much was actually cut. the ballet and Urbain’s rondo were cut; so was the aria portion of the ball scene but not the ballet, which meant (oh God how did I forget about this) we were treated (?) to what was presumably a group of Huguenot TAP DANCERS who were all eventually shot midroutine. total cuts are also around thirty minutes or so. cast once again mostly unmemorable, although Jean-Philippe Marlière is another of the very few who isn’t disappointing as Saint-Bris. speaking of which: the director completely fucked up the ending BY CUTTING THE PART WHERE SAINT-BRIS FINDS VALENTINE GODDAMMIT IT STILL MAKES ME SO ANGRY. production is traditional, except I certainly hope that hideous Black and White Checkered Floor didn’t exist in the 1570s

Liège 2005: pretty production although it also has some lighting issues. nowhere near as egregious as Bilbao, though. one of the more heavily-cut productions: Urbain’s rondo, the ballet, and the ball scene are all cut, as well as a whole lot else, shearing off about 75 minutes of music. cast mostly good: Philippe Rouillon may be my favorite Saint-Bris. I do apologize though for this but I gotta say it: the Raoul and Marcel are terrible. at any rate, the production is traditional. Saint-Bris shoots Valentine at the end, so there’s that.

Bard Summerscape 2009: what??? the??? ever-loving??? hell??? is??? this??? production??? it feels like an extremely violent fever dream. yes, this opera is violent. no, you do NOT need to hammer this into our heads through everything from a mixed martial arts match to onstage sexual violence to a dude getting stabbed with a processional cross. also the production aesthetic is WEIRD. one of the less-cut productions; Urbain’s rondo is not included. cast for the most part holds up admirably; Michael Spyres and Erin Morley are Babies but already great as Raoul and Marguérite. the Saint-Bris is a huge disappointment though (and the poor guy has to sport a hideous tiny beard). I don’t even know what time period this is supposed to take place in. I just don’t know.

Budapest 2017: very pretty production. also largely very boring. one of the more-cut productions, cutting a little over an hour (including the ballet and Urbain’s rondo) but almost paradoxically being one of only three productions to include the full ball scene (the Montpellier and Genève ones are the others) and the post-2011 production that uses the most critical edition material in Act III, including the only filmed production to include Marcel’s Act III aria. Catholics in white, Huguenots in black, the set consists largely of flats with 16th-century images that get raised and lowered; otherwise, the stagehands (and sometimes cast) move around big letters to form certain key words such as Bachus, Amor, the Hungarian word for mercy, etc. at various points in the score. cast is mostly decent. Gabor Bretz is an excellent Marcel. the main issue: there’s no life, no activity, no passion in this production. the Raoul and Valentine have zero chemistry. lot of standing around. it doesn’t feel compelling. in any rate it’s traditional.

Paris 2018: the concept is surprisingly sound albeit somewhat of a head-scratcher when considered on its own. production aesthetic is very minimalist, clean, and bright. about thirty or so minutes are cut, including both ballets (but not the aria in the ball scene) and Urbain’s rondo. one of the most solid overall principal casts. no one can top Lisette Oropesa’s Marguérite. Yosep Kang, particularly given the circumstances surrounding his participation in the production, is excellent and deserves better than what the Parisian public gives him. overall very good musically. the production is set in an imaginary France in the year 2063. it is very interesting.

Genève 2020: the least-cut production of the bunch; it mostly just cuts a bunch of critical-edition Act III material. as previously mentioned: it’s supposed to be set in a movie studio but this is largely pushed into the background for both better and worse. the cast, for the most part, is excellent (will give you one guess who disappointed me in this bunch). John Osborn and Rachel Willis-Sorensen are a phenomenal Raoul/Valentine duo, Michele Pertusi joins them for a thrilling final scene (having expertly navigated his other material), Léa Desandre is the world’s most adorable Urbain. production design is excellent. directorial choices are very interesting, to say the least. the directors apparently woke up and decided to try to establish as many romantic relationships as possible. I am not opposed to it in principle; in fact, I really like a lot of it. however, the directors completely ruined it by trying to put forth the idea that Marcel has a crush on Valentine??? that was just...extremely uncomfortable to watch (also it COMPLETELY missed the point of the duet) but yeah, the production, although weird and confusing in places, is mostly good. setting, specifically I’m not sure about the location but the time period is somewhere between interwar and WWII fashions. so yeah.

anyway, if you’re here now, thanks for reading this unsolicited article! ask me any questions you may have!

[spacefaegoddess]

The Lightning Thief - Cut Tracks

Listen up.

Camp Half Blood

- okay let me preface this by saying that for some reason this song won’t download so I’m going off the itunes preview

- but wow this song screams Camp Half Blood

- starts with something about how you know you’re at camp if there’s fire or a flood like big mood guys

- “Camp Half-Blood, where only half of us survive! Camp Half-Blood, be glad you’re still alive!” GUYS THIS IS TOO REAL

- it reminds me of that one post comparing CHB and CJ like “yeah you can go to college and live in New Rome at Camp Jupiter so its pretty nice” “WELCOME TO CAMP HALF BLOOD, YOULL DIE WITHIN THE MONTH”

- “this is why no one watches the orientation film” Mr. D never change please, also if that’s a new kid’s orientation to CHB then maybe Mr. D is saving them from intense trauma

Pick a Side 

- I think there was a video of this somewhere, maybe from that live concert where they performed all the song from the show, but man I’m so happy they put this into a final form

- Luke: “we don’t know who stole the bolt” oh sweet baby liar

- Clarisse being ready to fight everyone is fantastic

- “Percy couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag” man I love it when they put book references in there, and even though I’m pretty sure Reyna says it I still love that it’s Clarisse’s line

-”Can’t we just pick flowers and make friendship bracelets” oh Silena no

- Silena: “My mom doesn’t believe in war” Clarisse: “oh yeah? then why does she keep texting my dad?” Luke: “WHOA” this is the content I signed up for

- Luke saying that he hopes Percy completes his quest so that the demigods don’t have to fight a war like.... idk how to feel about this. Is he lying? Does he actually hope that his friends won’t have to fight? Man

- Also Luke telling Silena that they don’t have to fight the gods’ battles like that’s Luke’s entire motivation in one line

- Clarisse and Silena belting “we gotta know just where your loyalties lie” while Luke sings “we don’t have to choose”. I know that the girls are singing it at each other but the fact that Luke is between them and he’s the one who isn’t loyal to the gods or to camp is magnificent. And again Luke saying they don’t have to choose the gods because he’s already chosen against them

- “prissy Percy’s gonna lost his Poseidon adventure!” CLARISSE GIRL

- “well whoever says love is worthless, I’ll pulverize them!” wow Clarisse is already rubbing off on Silena

-I want to know what Luke sings after “It’s their fight” while Clarisse and Silena sing “We’ll make our parents proud, make our voices loud” cause this is a really great moment for Luke’s motives to shine through

- Luke silently singing “I would never help my father” in the background

- All three singing “We’ve got a choice to make, can’t run and hide - you better pick a side” at the same time yet it means something different for all of them. Also it’s Luke finally choosing his side cause I think that’s the first time he sings “pick a side” in the song

- And that harmony at the end? DAM

Try

- okay so like way before the musical was even a thing, there was a video of this song being sung by three people who aren’t in the show, but god it was heartrenching. It’s a little different from the finished product but like Pick a Side, I’m so glad they included this song because it’s so powerful

- the song beginning and ending the same way UGH I LOVE CALLBACKS

- Percy and Annabeth both singing “I already know it, I’ll probably blow it, but I’m going there anyway” THESE KIDS ARE SO STRONG

- this song is so great because as a whole, the musical is kinda upbeat and generally happy except for like Tree on the Hill and kinda Good Kid, but this one shows the main three’s insecurities about the whole adventure. It throws your mind in a whole different direction

- “I may fail you, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t try” I mean come on

- They’re kids. They’re lost and scared and don’t really know what they’re doing, yet they keep pressing on because of each other. They feel like they will fail, but they can all look each other in the eye and say “you know what? at least we have each other and that’s worth it enough for me”

- that small part in the beginning with Percy and Annabeth singing together makes me want a Percabeth duet so bad

- Grover singing “wash my hands of past mistakes” this boy just wants to prove himself so much and Tree on the Hill give me so many feels and just UGH GROVER I LOVE YOU

- Annabeth going from “prove to the gods that I belong” to “I won’t be rejected” is freaking GROWTH

- “He must be protected” GROVER PLEASE

- That three part harmony tho

- “Fight til we’re all in the clear, look my fear in the eye!” do I need to repeat that these kids are so amazingly strong? Because they are

- “The weight of the world’s on my shoulders, like Atlas it’s crushing me down” sick Greek mythology reference bro

- Also during that live concert video I mentioned earlier, they play a cut Annabeth song (which is sadly not here) but it had the Atlas motif too and ugh it gives me all the feels

- okay so the line “we’re not brave, we’re not strong, we’re not soldiers” is a whole thing in itself but it goes so well with the next line

- I wish they had kept the next line the same as the original because it was “but my heart is a drum, and damn does it pound” but now its “my heart’s just a drum and damn does it pound”. I feel like the first one just has something more. Like I might not be brave or strong but I have the heart to get through this

- also in that original video, after the previous thing, Percy sings “I may fail you, I may fail you. If I fail, this will be our last goodbye.” WHY DIDNT THEY KEEP THAT

- “I’m not leaving your side til we find what matters” Annabeth MY GIRL

- “I’m not leaving your side til we’re back home” GROVER

- “I’m not leaving your side til you’re remembered” PERCABETH SHIPPERS HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT

- This trio man. Nothing will ever compare to them

- The fact that the lyrics change from “I may fail you” to “I can’t fail you”

- That last line where they all sing part of the number because they’re in this together now and you literally cannot separate them

- this song is the best and you can fight me on that

In the Same Boat

- or as I like to call it “Grover deals with Percabeth fighting like second graders for five minutes and forty nine seconds”

- this entire song is just a roast fest and Grover suffering

- “wow maybe your mom should’ve totally chilled instead of making monsters that get us all killed” Percy you savage

- Grover’s happy little “ask meeee” he’s so cute

- “I’d like to wrap my hands around that half-blood’s throat” wow guys

- “I don’t need to heed a talking goat” WOW GUYS

- Grover’s goat noises throughout the song

- “why run from monsters when we can rideeee” Grover baby I love you

- the lyrics change depending on what vehicle they’re in

- “with Anna-BLEH” “and Seaweed Brain” guys just kiss already

- Annabeth insulting Percy about his Rocky Mountains comment and Grover just going “wow that is soooo beautiful” 

- this song is just the original “Drive” and I’m not complaining

- Percy and Grover both yelling “SWEET” while Annabeth suffers

- Percy telling Annabeth she can hike instead of ride the motorcycle

- Percy’s sass when he says “oh, I’m sure that’s irrelevant” gods Chris McCarrell is the Percy we always wanted

- “Athena give me strength so I don’t kill him” Annabeth honey, if anything your mom is gonna strike him down for you

- ANNABETH HAVING HER OWN “DREAM”

- “it’s messed up, but he’s kinda cute” Annabeth you have no idea how relatable you truly are

- “And my head is always stronger than my heart” awwwwwww

- “If only he would say something that was remotely smart” when I tell you I cackled for like five mintues its the truth

- Followed immediately by Percy saying “I got it! The map was upside down” and Annabeth just screaming IS A WHOLE BIG MOOD

- When did Charon turn from a disco diva into a 60 year old smoker

- Annabeth calling Percy sexist like yeah girl call him out

- “They’ll kill each other, or they’ll kiss” likely both, Grover

- “If we’re lucky they’ll end up in an abyss” GROVER NO

- that Mark of Athena reference caught me so off guard, my jaw hit the floor

- Grover happily singing over a Percabeth shouting match

- also I wish I could clearly hear what those two are saying

- idk what’s so funny about Percy saying “perspective” in a awe-filled voice but it killed me

- Grover yelling at them to sing the song because reconciliation

- uhhh Jorrel’s voice??? he makes such a great Grover let me tell you

The Wittlest Minotaur

- this was also in that concert they did

- Kristin Stokes is a gift to this world, that is all

[tegoshigeftw]

Tegoshige Top 25

“More Tegoshige, please!” - said absolutely noone and I delivered. Well, this isn’t for 5 likes, this is for me. I’ve had this blog for 6,5 years now and I decided to look back on the best it had to offer. This is my rating of top Tegoshige moments, excluding those that tightly involved other members (so the making out had to be left out ;;). The things that made my heart doki doki... It was originally a top 10 but it was getting hard to pick so I decided there literally was no reason to hold back so here we are.

#25 4x9

That one time Tegoshige went on location together (which is already a blessing) and Tegoshi got freaked out because of insects running about and nearly got into Shige’s lap. Nearly. So it heads the list.

# 24 Halloween 2017

Tegoshi was Oiran - an elite courtesan - and Shige was Alex from Clockwork Orange. This was but a short moment but is lasted forever in my mind.

#23 Dropped earring

This was during White final. After the boisterous MC scene where Shige was the couch and Tegoshi was the girlfriend, Shige noticed Tegoshi dropped his earring, picked it up and gave it back to him. Just a minor moment, but Tegoshi was still in girlfriend mode and it was incredibly soft. Video here.

#22 Neverland in Tokyo encore 2017/06/11

Tegoshi got very emotional after he went backstage but the fans kept cheering so they went back on stage again and Tegoshi wouldn’t stop crying so Shige led him softly.

#21 As long as Tegoshi is happy...

Before a live performance, they were interviewed and as it was just after Tegoshi’s birthday, they were asked what they wanted to give so...

S: … (in his best ikemen voice) As long as Tegoshi is happy, that is enough! T: Ahhh! ♥ I am loved! Thank you, Shige-chan! I wanna hug you!~

Video here.

#20 The Spa

It was a photoshoot for Biteki. They were originally in different sandboxes but Tegoshi got lonely very soon.

#19 Hairstylist Shige

Shige has been Tegoshi’s stylist for years, since the early days. You can see it in photos and several DVDs, most notably Live Diamond. Video cut here.

#18 “Shige, thank you!”

The night after the Neverland Tokyo concert, 2017 Shige got a call...

S: After the concert ended, Tegoshi had a party with his friends. And so late at night he suddenly called me saying “Could you come for a bit?” S: He seemed to be serious and he cried so much at the concert. (laugh) I got worried and came over but this guy… he just fell asleep! (laugh) K&M: That’s terrible. S: He woke up once, looked at me saying “Shige, thank you!” and went back to sleep. T: Moreover, I was sleeping in Shige’s lap. [S]

Tegoshi: After the last concert in Tokyo Dome I invited several members of staff and Juniors and we basically did a wrapping up party. I called Shige at 3 AM and he came but I ended up falling asleep in Shige’s lap though I don’t remember that at all. I heard it afterwards but apparently I sang “I’m coming” and Shige sang “Ayame” but I don’t remember a bit… [S]

#17 Neverland in Tokyo 2017/06/10

According to a fan report: At the intro of some song, Shige grabbed Tegoshi by the waist tightly. At first, Tegoshi was playing along but Shige didn’t let go and Tegoshi, not used to being attacked, got embarrassed.

#16 Umeboshi

Shige’s been making umeboshi for years now and his #1 fan is none other than Tegoshi.

S: I’ve been doing it for 10 years. It’s not that I like them, I hardly eat them myself. During the tour our Tegoshi eats quite a lot of them. I leave it (in the dressing room) so after the concert he opens it and eats it. About half of them I make for Tegoshi. [2017.02.08 Moshimono Futari]

Q: If you were to give Christmas presents to the members what would it be?

A: …Well, umeboshi! Umeboshi! Eat my umeboshi and get healthy! I give it to Tegoshi every year though. Ah, but that’s showing “Love”. I give it all the time but it’s a deep love that has a special depth! (laugh) [2018.12.05 TVガイド]

#15 Blue making

This is perfect for several reasons, how naturally this fells, how there’s a perfectly empty chair next to them, and how at the end Tegoshi stumbled and Shige is cautioning him.

#14 That 2013 photoshoot

You know the one. That is all. No comment needed.

#13 Tegoshige Kabe-don and confession

During k-chan news, they played the Prince game and Koyama wanted a kabe-don. So Tegoshi kabe-don’d Shige and told him “I love you!”

The audio available here.

#12 Tegoshi’s kirakira eyes

Back in 2009, Shige had a diary and I’m really sorry he does not anymore because one day after a photoshoot he wrote this:

At that time he had seemed to be already smiling and looking at me Looking at me at such a close distance Is this an effect from DREAM BOYS As compared to before, the distance was so much more closer Tegoshi Yuya Indeed is a prince………….. Oh please won’t you be even a little embarrassed. Just how strong is your heart? Don’t look at me like that………… Being looked at with those shiny eyes…………… The atmosphere will become weird (oдO) ………………………………….. Tegoshi Yuya who has ended the photoshoot using those shiny eyes, had walked towards DREAM BOYS with that pair of eyes Ah~ shiny shiny Tegoshi eyes~ I’ll be waiting for that photoshoot~ I wonder… for which magazine would it be Oh the kira kira eyes

Full text here.

#11 That Taiwan hotel video 

We all remember that one. Tegoshi in his bathrobe going out to visit ‘other members’’ rooms but he only goes to Shige’s and gets comfortable on his bed, and gets pounced, and the next thing they show, it’s morning.

#10 Soukon thigh stroking

That time the camerman got very fascinated with Tegoshi’s legs and the other members teased him about it and called him a pervert. Then, Shige decided to stroke those thighs because... well, he can. 

#9 Taking a bath together!

- An unforgettable episode that happened on stage.

Kato: Because of a thunderstorm we had to stop the concert. We moved it to a later date. After a break the 4 of us got into tiny bathtubs, 2 in each and it felt sort of like a field trip, (laugh) the bath was warm. [Duet 2015.04]

They also talked about it during an MC at the time.

Shige pretended to climb into the “tub” with Tegoshi. “We were Team… What was it again?” T: Team “We haven’t done our solos yet”. S: And Tegoshi was sliding all over the place and smacking into me. He was such a naughty guy. T: It couldn’t be helped. It’s slippery. K: But baths are nice, aren’t they? Shige answered in a chill voice, “Yeah, they’re great.” [S]

#8 Worldista routine

I think this was during Weeek where they make up different letters with their bodies. Every concert it went differently but several times Tegoshi left his place and went over to Shige. This fancam pictured the time he got on top of him. Or tried to.

Also here’s a report from Nagano, May 25:

Tegoshi goes to Shige and captures him in a hug and Shige hugs him back. Then Shige picks Tegoshi up and carries him like a sleeping child to his original position. [Fanart here]

#7 Showers

Tegoshi is long known to invade other people’s privacy and during the tour, other people’s shower stalls are no exception. There are many recent episodes but here’s one account:

Q2: Shige-chan said in Nagoya when he took a shower Tegoshi appeared right before his eyes but does he do it always?

S: Not… always but he did it quite a lot on this tour. He trespassed about 3-4 times I think. He would enter the shower room I went to really quietly. That’s why I got really startled. He’d get happy he made me surprised and start grinning. (laugh) I would counterattack by pouring water over him.  

[Tour Stories from Popolo 2016.09 FUN’S QUESTION - SHIGEAKI]

Then, there’s an important MC from 2008. One time, during the tour Massu wanted to take a shower but as he entered the stalls, he met a naked Shige standing proudly. Shige explained he was only waiting on Tegoshi who earlier danced for him naked. Massu was like “Cool, I’ll leave you to it.”

The full account is here. There used to be an audio of this but I didn’t manage to get it.

#6 DTF ‘ago-kui’

There were many instances during two whole tours and also a SCP performance. Each time seems a little closer and more intimate, but each time looks equally fun on both sides.

#5 Accessible Emma outfit

Now we know that Shige, unlike Tegoshi, is not a touchy kind of guy. So him doing something like this, especially on air, is pretty unusual. Tegoshi said Shige did it a lot backstage too.

#4 “I wanna stir you up”

This line from ‘S’ was a real hit and Tegoshi basically admitted it got him horny. Twice. Detailed posts here and here.

#3 Tegoshi saying they’re basically married

Here’s the video.

#2 Tegoshi knows what’s up

Who do you think has the most sex appeal?

Tegoshi: Shige. His face is handsome like a nobility but he’s also manly. Rather than a shining sexuality his sexuality is monochrome… a deep sexuality. It’s the kind that slowly unravels as you get to know him.  [Wink Up, 2013.12]

Who would be a perfect boyfriend in NEWS?

Tegoshi: Wouldn’t that be Shige? It seems like he wouldn’t be clingy but all the while even when he’s silent, in his heart he’d be like “I’m thinking about you properly ♥” keeping a good distance. [Ane Can 2015]

Look with a “female gaze” and say who’s the most handsome member Tegoshi: Alright, I’m switching to female… click! …Hello, I’m Yuko! (laugh) So… for me it’s Shige. The reason is his face and his way of life. His face is up to my taste (laugh) and he doesn’t hesitate in words or in actions. His open-minded way of thinking is similar to mine. It’s refreshing and feels good. [Potato 2016.10]

To name but a few.

#1 Shige radio confession

During k-chan news, they played the Prince game and Koyama wanted one person to say what they liked about the other person and this is how Shige confessed.

K: Do it properly! Seriously. Connect hands “lover style”, look at each other. *giggle* S: Tegoshi has a really cute face. Really cute face and a good voice… K: That’s not it. S: A nice voice and beautiful eyes… K: Something you really like, really like.  S: But I really do like it. K: Something more about his personality. S: If it’s about his personality then… even when he complains he still does his job properly.

Sorry, but that’s just... yeah. You have to hear it though. Full transcript and audio here.

[marinapeixes]

To celebrate the re-release of all the HS music on Bandcamp, here is a list (with links!) of my favorite HS music. There’s talent and heart in the vast Homestuck musicverse, and I highly recommend exploring it if you haven’t, returning to it if it’s been a while, and sharing your own favorites if they’re still in your mix today.

So here are my top 25 favorite Homestuck songs, including fan material:

In comic | On albums | On fan album* | Not in any collection**

Doctor | Candles and Potency** | Planet Healer | Pale Rapture | Trepidation | Voidlight / Whispers in the Voidlight** / Haven** |  Carne Vale | Austin, Atlantis / piano duet** | Crystalanthemums / Crystalguitarthemums* | The Lyrist | Skaian Birth / Skaian Dreams Remix / Skies of Skaia | Ascend | Terezi’s Theme | Sburban Jungle / Sburban Countdown | Renewed Return | Another Chance | Knight in Two Dreams** | Seer of Same-Colored Scalemate Combos** | Cuddlefish* | Purple Bard |  Forever / Beta Version / The Deeper You Go | Three in the Morning (RJ's I Can Barely Sleep In This Casino Remix) | Superego |  Skaia Ad Infinitum* | Dreamers and the Dead

Short but somehow very long descriptions of why I love each track under the cut:

1. Doctor | George Buzinkai | Homestuck Vol. 1-4 The original. The iconic. A genuinely haunting and atmospheric track, I think this was a big part of what really drew me into the story when first reading it.

2. Candles and Potency | Jeremy “Solatrus” Iamurri | (Youtube) I’ve posted this here before but like. This is still such a mystery to me. It was played as part of the stream leading up to the release of Volume 10. Why...was it not part of Volume 10. Why does it have no official release.  I live in terror this video source for it will be taken down. It’s a stunning remix of Candles and Clockwork (x / x). Listen to it all the way through - the piano bit is my favorite.

3. Planet Healer | Seth “Beetfox” Peelle | Homestuck Vol. 5 Changes the mood of Doctor from “mysterious” to “inviting.” Great soundtrack for a playable segment of the comic, great to listen to on its own.

4. Pale Rapture | The Black Curtain | coloUrs and mayhem: Universe B This song has a noticeable physiological calming affect on me. I also just like it.

5. Trepidation | Svix | Homestuck Vol. 9 Energetic and uplifting. One of my cheer-up songs.

6. Voidlight | Thomas Ferkol | Homestuck Vol. 10 (Whispers in the Voidlight / Haven) I think I’m okay admitting that I like the preview version of this better than the final - because I still like the final great deal. I like that Whispers in the Voidlight has less layer, but I like the ending that was added to Voidlight. I’m pretty happy having both versions in my mix. It is a very comforting song to me.

7. Carne Vale | Malcolm Brown | Cherubim Still gives me shivers. This was the standout for me when Cherubim was released, and I’m glad it was put in the comic later - it made [S] Game Over. more palatable. 

8. Austin, Atlantis | Clark “Plazmataz” Powell | Homestuck Vol. 9 (Austin, Atlantis (piano duet)) I cried the first time I listened to this. That’s...a recommendation. Sometimes the titles of instrumental songs don’t affect my impressions of them on a conscious level, but this one definitely did, and I actually felt an emotion like looking at a sunken city that I used to be able to walk though. Both versions are very good.

9.  Crystalanthemums | Alex Rosetti | Homestuck Vol. 5 (Crystalguitarthemums* | Eric “Jit” Scheele | Land of Fans and Music 2) Another iconic leitmotif. I love the track itself, and Crystalguitarthemums is a fan release that has a similar mood of tranquility. 

10. The Lyrist | Thomas "EidolonOrpheus" Ferkol | Cherubim I tended to skip the less exciting tracks on Cherubim at first, but now I love this for being sad and sweet and very pretty.

11.  Skaian Birth | Mark Hadley | Song of Skaia

(Skaian Dreams Remix | Homestuck Vol. 2 (original), Skies of Skaia | Mark Hadley | Homestuck Vol. 1-4) The “Skaian” motif is very magical sounding. Like Voidlight, I find Skaian Birth very comforting. As of the posting of this, the Song of Skaia album seams to have bean eaten by the mass-reuploading...I hope it gets reuploaded as well.

12. Ascend | Joren “Tensei” de Bruin | Homestuck Vol. 10 This was such a good medley track. It was so ambitious in how many motifs it tried to pull together, and the fact that Tensei said they were tackling a music style that they hadn’t seen much in HS music before...and it all paid off spectacularly.

13. Terezi’s Theme | Toby “Radiation” Fox | Alterniabound  What a great character theme. It’s pretty busy for a VG theme, but it seems to tell a whole story. I think it was The Lemonsnout Turnabout that established the harpsichord as a Terezi sound, and that was also a Toby Fox track, and it’s very effective.

14. Sburban Jungle | Michael Guy Bowman | Homestuck Vol. 1-4 (Sburban Countdown | Michael Guy Bowman | Homestuck Vol. 1-4) Early on I considered this just as iconic as Doctor, and I was surprised it didn’t get used more. (If you want to see it used effectively as a motif, check out #21 on this list.) It really helped the mood shift as the comic got more serious and dramatic.

15. Renewed Return | Marcy Nabors | Homestuck Vol. 10 Another great medley track. Whereas Ascend has kind of a party atmosphere, Renewed Return is solemn and dignified in a way that is very satisfying as a conclusion to a long narrative.

16. Another Chance | Eston Schweickart, Erik “Jit” Scheele | One Year Older Homestuck is freaking long, and very meandering, and I’ve forgotten many of the plot beats. But one way to remember them is if they have a killer tribute song. Another Chance always reminds me of a time when achieving god tier still felt like an incredible achievement, of how menacing Bec Noir was, and of the feeling of seeing a character resurrected. One Year Older appears to be another casualty of the reuploading...this was a beautifully cohesive solo album, and I hope it comes back somehow. Please give it another chance.

17. Knight in Two Dreams** | Malcolm Brown | (Tumblr) Hm. I think what I love about is that this track makes the time spent on the meteor feel real. The rhythm makes me thing of the passage of a lot of time. The music also makes me think of a sort of unease with being in close quarters with people and not being able to leave. And finally, it also has the sense it is waiting for something...as they are all waiting for their journey to be over.

18. Seer of Same-Colored Scalemate Combos | Alex Rosetti | (Tumblr) Speaking of Terezi’s harpsichord...This was the theme for a fun tile-swapping puzzle game made by insecureillustrator, which sadly I think is defunct now. In any event, the song is really fun.

19. Cuddlefish | Thomas Ferkol | Land of Fans and Music 2 Very sweet and calming. I like thinking of quieter moments in the HS multiverse, like the trolls started SGRUB.

20. Purple Bard | Gec | coloUrs and mayhem: Universe A I wish I knew more music words because I want to say what I like about this song is...the...mixing?? It’s very immersive, there are a lot of layers to it that contribute to making it creepy and kind of hypnotic.

21. Forever / Beta Version / The Deeper You Go | Michael Guy Bowman | Moebius Trip and Hadron Kaleido The instrumental tracks on MTAHK all give me a sense of depth of time, the remoteness of Skaia and the Medium, and the cyclical nature of SBURB. Spooky. It all makes the story seem much bigger somehow.

22. Three in the Morning (RJ's I Can Barely Sleep In This Casino Remix) | Clark “Plazmataz” Powell, Robert J! Lake | Homestuck Vol. 1-4 I love this one largely because it is nostalgic from when I first got into Homestuck in 2012 and for a while only had Volumes 1-4 to listen to (I didn’t discover the Bandcamp page until later). It might have to do with the fact that it’s sandwiched between Sburban Jungle and Doctor on the album, but it’s a fun and yet soothing track.

23. Superego | Yan "Nucleose" Rodriguez | coloUrs and mayhem: Universe A This captures a mood that I can’t put into words. I’m not sure if this was composed as a Vriska track, but if it wasn’t I’m glad it ended up as one, because it’s a feeling I don’t think any other song has. 

24. Skaia Ad Infinitum | Andromeda's Cadre | Beforus This reminds me of all my old favorite DDR tracks. The melody makes me think of the changing Spirograph that represents Skaia.

25. Dreamers and the Dead | Thomas "EidolonOrpheus" Ferkol | Alterniabound This and Cuddlefish have always had a similar feeling to me (moreso than other Thomas Ferkol tracks). I like to think about exploring the dream bubbles as analogous to swimming through Alternia’s oceans.

Honorable mentions to Rustblood and It Be Like That Sometimes, which are only not on this list because they are technically Hiveswap and not Homestuck. If Homestuck really is continuing, and if there’s going to be more Hiveswap, I’m very much looking forward to more music.

[emisonme]

Señorita..................

My opinion on this song, is already known, but I will reiterate...This is Camila's song. She wrote it. She wasn't allowed to release it on her album, or under her current image, so she turned it into a duet with Canada. It's a win,win. She gets her song out there, and they both benefit from it. I love the song, and I wasn't even all that put out by the video.  There were moments I actually laughed out loud, at his awkwardness.

Camila wrote this song, about the same person she has written the majority of all her songs about, thus far. Listen to NBTS, Consequences, Bad Things, Into It, Find You Again...etc, then listen to Señorita. They all pretty much express the same subject matter, about the same person. The same person she has been writing songs about, since she was 16 years old.

I'll go as far as to say, this song, is a more mature revamped version of "Like Friends Do", that she wrote when she was 17 years old. She did say, she was going to take concepts from songs she wrote when she was younger, and rework them. Señorita, to me, is one of those songs.

One more thing, before we dive into it. Camila said she KNEW this song was going to piss off SOME of her fans. I ask you, which fans do you think she KNEW this duet with Canada, would upset? Ewmila shippers? There weren't any. Shmila shippers? Why would they be pissed? They are getting exactly what they want, at the moment. Camilizers? They are getting new music, so they can shut the hell up, about not getting any new content. The General Public? They could care less. They just want good music.

There's only one group of her fans left. She knew, this duet would send some of her LGBTQ+ fans, specifically fans of Camren, into a pissed off frenzy. She knows her fans well, because she was right.

It's unfortunate people couldn't see through all the bullshit, because Señorita is a really good song. Camila is wonderful at telling a story through her lyrics, and she likes to make you feel and think, right along with her.

One of the things I find interesting, is Canada's verse is filled with the pronouns her/she. On the flip side, Camila's verse, chorus, and outro (but for the one line of his), is all gender neutral, with you/ya/me/I. His part is memories  about them. She is directly talking to them.

Another interesting thing, is the way the first line is constructed. To comma, or not to comma, that is the question. Without the comma, Camila loves it when she is called Señorita. With the comma, Camila loves it when her Señorita calls her. The latter makes more sense, with the rest of the song, considering she is in a hidden/closeted relationship with them.

So, Camila loves it when her girl calls her, but at the same time... [[[ I wish I could pretend I didn't need ya, but every touch is ooo la la la, it's true la la la, Oh, I should be runnin, but oh you keep me coming for ya.]]]... She wishes she could at least pretend she didn't. In other words, this crush is crushing her, and she's having a hard time pretending that it isn't. (see what I mean about how easy it is to make the connection)

But, every time Lauren (her crush) touches her, it shoots feeling to places that does not help the situation. Yep, sure does. She knows she should be running from her feelings, but damn it, Lauren keeps her coming right back.

Time to reminisce about the past. The first half, of the first verse, is very reminiscent of their first encounter. There was something about Lauren, (we all know what it was) that gave Camila a strong desire to walk up to this girl she didn't know, and complement her. We all know what she wanted to complement, but the quick thinker she is, she complemented Lauren's shirt, instead.

Camila was so enamored by Lauren, she felt the need to also complement her voice and her beauty, to her mother. (That should tell you something) Everything about Lauren,  had sweat dripping off Camila, before she even knew her name. It made her feel like, ooo la la la!!!

The second part of the first verse, is memories of yet another time and place. [[[ Sapphire and moonlight, we danced for hours in the sand. Tequila sunrise, her body fit right in my hands, la la la, it felt like ooo, la la la.]]] Kind of like, "sneakin in LA when the lights are low, off of one touch I could overdose." (there's lots of NBTS similarities) Honestly, this could have taken place in LA, Miami, or even Puerto Rico while they were out skinny dipping, for all we know.

The funny thing is, the MV depicted none of this. We got the scenes that lead up to the lyrics. There was no sapphire moonlight (consequences video anyone). You could hardly call what we seen, dancing, let alone dancing for hours in sand. There wasn't even any damn sand.

Let's put aside the characters that were being played for the public. Camila has never been a waitress, and the way Canada was jerking those handlebars on that motorcycle, I'd be surprised if he's ever really driven one. Thank God for green-screen, or they'd both be in trouble.

Instead, let's focus on what the MV is actually showing us. It's showing us that two people were like "holy shit", at first glance. When they seen each other again, they were both interested, but one was more confident about their feelings, than the other. One walked away. The other was all, "nope, not giving up that easy", and waited for the other. They walk away, again, but the other is like, "wait.  I'm into you, you're into me. Don't let fear stop us from exploring these feelings." The other gives in, and they are off...Sounds kind of familiar, when you pay more attention to what we are being shown, instead of who we are being shown it by, doesn't it?

Now, we get the chorus, again, but this time we get the added line, [[[ I wish it wasn't so damn hard to leave ya.]]] They are now, spending time together, exploring their feelings for each other...But they are doing it in secret.

Camila reiterates this in the second verse. This verse is describing a physical, but closeted/secret relationship. It is also chocked full of sexual innuendo. Fair WARNING...when I get into the second part of Camila's verse, I will take it there. I'm going to go where the lyrics are taking me. So if you don't like sex talk, you might want to skip it. I'll WARN it again, before I write it.

Before I get into the second verse, let me explain who is playing who, in the video, and when. When Camila is singing, she is playing herself, and Canada is playing Lauren. When Canada is singing, he is playing Camila, and Camila is playing Lauren. Remember, this is her song. When you re-watch the video, with who is playing who, and when, it all makes a lot more sense. Except for the nightclub scene and hotel scene, the video is showing us what we know, the lyrics are telling us what we didn't get to see. Got it?

Moving on. Lauren finally gave in to her feelings, but not her fears. That's why their physical relationship was secretly hidden behind closed doors. (The Industry is the other reason, and why it is still being hidden behind lies and stunts)

[[[ Locked in the hotel, there's just some things that never change. You say we're just friends, but friends don't know the way you taste.]]]

Like I said, Lauren gave into her feelings, but not her fears. She wanted to be with Camila, but she wanted to hide it, especially from her family. So, not only was their physical relationship conducted in the closet, or behind locked doors, but she was also telling everyone, especially her family, that her and Camila were just friends. That is one of the worse feelings. It sucks!!!

In my Consequences post, I mentioned, there comes a time when being in a closeted relationship, becomes tiresome and toxic. This is especially toxic, when one of the partners is actually out of the private closet, and is basically being forced back in.

This is what I think Camila is referring to, when she said Lauren says they are "just friends". I don't think Lauren was hooking up with Camila, in hotel rooms, and telling her, "hey girl, don't catch feelings. We are just friends, nothing more. Now, get over here and let me stick my tongue down your throat." She was telling EVERYONE else, they were just friends, out of pure fear. (Most of us can relate to both sides of this coin.)

Here's where their relationship went from PG13 to NC17. It went from secret crush, to mutual crush, to make out sessions behind locked doors, to...ooo la la la.

[[[ Cause, you know it's been a long time coming, don't ya let me fall, oh]]] Yep, it went from making out, to a lot more. They both knew it would get to this point, eventually. Camila just hopes it would mean something to Lauren, instead of her freaking out and regretting it, leaving Camila to fall... alone.

WARNING.................... Now we get to the sexy sexual innuendo......[[[ Ooh, when your lips undress me, hooked on your tongue. Ooh, love, your kiss is deadly, don't stop.]]]

Oh yeah, Camila went there. This isn't describing some hot and steamy lip lock, with tongue wrestling involves. This is describing sooo much more.

Undressing someone with your lips, is so much fun, and being undresses by someones "kiss" is damn near torture. It's when you kiss  your way from the lips, to the jawline, down the neck, over the collar bone, to the twin peaks that are waiting for attention, down the torso, to your ultimate destination, and where she needs you the most.

Once the tongue gets involved, it's the "deadliest kiss" that you don't want to end, but leaves you quivering and weak. It makes you out of breath, clinched fists, arched back, and legs uncontrollably slamming closed around their head. And, if you are lucky, you get to paint her in your golden kiss, with honey dripping from your lips. Yep, another connection made, and she did go there. (I'm just going where the lyrics take me, folks. No hate!!!) .......................

Moving on. Now that we know what the lyrics are telling us, what is the video showing us? The video is showing us, two people that are nervous and scared... but ready. They both know, if they go there, there is no turning back.

Lauren is sitting on the bed. (forget Canada taking off the shirt. That was nothing but fan service) Camila is nervous, but she knows, she is the one that will have to take control of the situation. Be gentle, and reassuring. Make Lauren comfortable with the situation. move forward, but let her ultimately feel in control. (she loves control, after all)

Camila walks up, and coaxes them along, by pulling up on the chin. She takes a deep breath to steady her own nerves, then makes the ultimate move that takes them forward. She pulls up for the kiss that creates the ultimate feeling of desire, and makes Lauren forget all about her fear. She feels in control.

Then we get the chorus and the outro. The line [[[ I wish it wasn't so damn hard to leave ya.]]] They spend the majority of their alone time, locked away, living in their own little fantasy land. Eventually, you have to leave the room, and go back to the fucked up world, of reality. It's so damn hard to leave that room, and go back to pretending to be "just friends".

The outro tells us, [[[ All along I've been coming for ya. and I hope it means something to you]]]. It has ALWAYS been Lauren. Camila just had to wait for Lauren to accept herself, and her feelings. She just hoped, when they took their relationship to the next step, Lauren wouldn't regret the hell out of it.

Again, the video shows us, what we already know. There wasn't necessarily regret, but there was a bit of a freak out, and Lauren "ran". She didn't really run away from Camila, she just had to take some time to think, and figure her shit out.

Camila, picked herself up, pulled down her skirt, and waited......We all know, eventually, her Señorita figured her shit out, and ran right back into Camila's arms.

[oh-shit-a-baby]

BLACK FRIDAY THOUGHTS PART TWO

A complete compilation of my thoughts throughout the musicals second half,,, this bois going to be real long bc I have a lot of thoughts lol

Now without @drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces :(

Yep dumbledore can still sing

Omg his voice

This song is going to make me cry aaaaa

Becky: you don’t look at all the same as I remember

Me: yeah no shit dumbledore grew a beard

Jesus,,,,, theyre just going to go for it right there,,,,,, ookay

Wtaf is this movie they’re watching

HOLY SHIT HER VOICE IS /PRETTY/ HER RANGE IS HUGE!!!

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion bc no one has an opinion yet but Becky and toms song is the cutest one ever and a bop and I love it

Jesus they payed for a balcony and they’re going to fucking use it aren’t they

WELCOME TO PEIP HQ IM SO DOWN FOR THAT

OH THERE ARE MANY DIMENSIONS????? U GONNA EXPLAIN THAT MR GENERAL MACNAMARA????

The black and white isn’t that what lexs sister was on about

Wiggly is the king u wot m8

President kurt knows nothing about anything and that’s a mood

So if the next movie isn’t about ‘13 years ago’ imma freak

U WANNA SEND ME INTO THE FUCKIN TWILIGHT ZONE AND HAVE DINNER WITH THE DEVIL??????!?!!

NO!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!!

^^^president kurt quotes

In short, mr president, we are trying to stop the birth

*dramatic piano*

Of a god.

*dRAMATIC PIANO*

It’s good score tho 10/10

Sherman young

Nuff said

After today’s great battle???

Faith in the one true god!! All hail wiggly!!!

My new religion lol

LET LAKESIDE MALL BE A NEW JERUSALEM!!!!

*cue joey and Robert just screaming wiggly for like 5 mins straight*

NO THEY FOUND LEX

OH YEAH FUCKIN KILL THEM!!!

Who????????

FUCK YEAH LINDA

CULT??? NO! ITS A NEW EXCITING RELIGION THAT I STARTED!!!!

Yeah Gerald

She pronounces Cinnabon as see-nah-bohn what’s up with that lol

I NEED A WIGGLY DOLL...... IDEALLY FOUR OF THEM!!!

IVE MET GOD. HE HAD NOTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

*cue people dying and their mics stopping working*

Holy fuck they all wanna kill Hannah now (lexs sister gets a name now apparently)

LAUREN I LOVE YOU AS A VILLAIN

I would kneel before villain Lauren any day

I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything and then I will oh shit it’s Gerald.

While I don’t want you to think for yourselves I do want you to understand what I mean when I say my evil shit

I’m sorry that choreo is a yike

ETHAN DARLING COME BACK I MISS YOU <<<333333

IM CRYING NOW

He’s in the black and white now we’ll that sounds like shit

NOT ETHAN

Hannah is the unsung hero of this musical so far

*said in wiggly voice* well, webby (Hannah’s spider imaginary friend who I think is gonna be the deus ex machina of this thing) is a stupid bitch!

Rotten little banana. I’m going to peel you. I’m going to split you in two. I’m going to eat you Hannah. I’m going to eat you right now. *all said in dramatic wiggly voice*

Aaand their mics broke again

We don’t get tricked! We’re grown ups!

And Becky and Tom are immediately evil the second they see the wiggly bc of course they are

Jesus beckys the villain???????

Welcome to the musical where everyone gets a villain song AND a hero song??????

Her voice is still beautiful

*Prancing around* DO YOU WANT SOME CANDYYYYY??????

She’s still wearing ethans hat my heart is going to go oh my god

And he just,,,,, leaves Becky to die?????

President Kurt in a space suit oh my god

And America is great again is playing in the background

MACNAMARA SAID ‘GODSPEED’ AND IS THAT A CATCHPHRASE I SENSE THERE

Yeah no president kurt can’t do foreign policy

His name is like howie or something but imma call him president kurt just like Tom was dumbledore for like the first half of this mess

Oh fuck joeys character is here and he’s gonna FUCK PREZ KURT UP

He’s eating an apple that means he’s a asshole

Holy fuck joeys character is like the ultimate capitalist

And also terrifying holy shit

NO MACNAMARA DONT GO IN THERE

Joeys character: Do you think that in the Netherlands they’d care about some toy??? Nah!!! They’re too busy with their free vacations and FREE healthcare!!

(When I refer to joeys character I mean the evil one he just doesn’t have a name yet so idk what to call him)

And joey can still sing I love him

His voice is so good and this whole villain is giving me spies are forever flashbacks

I have absolutely no fuckin clue what’s going on rn

Holy fuck joeys voice is so beautiful and his range is killing me

I take back what I said earlier this song is the best one bc joey

Holy fuck someone just hit like a high d and I have no clue who it was bc the video quality is not the greatest

JESUS THATS TERRIFYING

THE FUCK YOU MEAN DONT BE FRIGHTENED THATS MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON

LOOK AT THIS FUCKER JESUS CHRIST

Wiggly is so scary because he speaks like a child and those are scary

MACNAMARA EX MACHINA

Mac: BEGONE

Prez kurt: SORRY JOHN I FUCKED IT UP

THATS THE HOOK FROM NOT YOUR SEED ISNT IT HOLY SHIT

Joeys voice and acting is gonna kill me

Yeah made in America is the shit

MAC NO U CANT DIE U DIE IN TGWDLM

Also the black and white is a dumb as shit name for an alternate reality

Prez kurt: MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

*wiggly voice* Uh-oh mr prezzy-wez. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-womb.

Well shits about to go down

I’m calling it the bomb bombed the White House

Oop no they’ve only gone and lost Moscow

Well fuck here comes ww3 I guess

And prez kurt is definitely insane in the brain

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN THE ‘ALIENS INVADING MINDS’ BIT OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE A MUSICAL GENIUS

Jesus Sherman is a weird fuck and lex is kinda clever I guess it’s a shame we haven’t seen her for most of the musical

Lex: I THREW EM IN THE FUCKIN TRASH

LEX BABY NO DONT DIE

Lex: Is this what I live for? To be choked in a toy store?

Lexs beautiful song is this musicals version of not your seed but depression

And her voice is /pretty/

MAC?????????????

WHAT??????????????

OH MY GOD HE IS AUTHORISING HER TO USE HIS FIREARM YES QUEEN

I’m sorry lex and Hannah can do what

Jeffs voice kills me him and joey need a duet and that would be the end of me

What did lex just do in so confused

MAC DID THE SALUTE IMMA CRY YALL

And we’re back with Tom

Oh fuck lex is gonna shoot tom

Hold up Tom names his son Tim

Wiggly is playing mind tricks now yikes

Lex: KIDS DONT WANT THAT PEICE OF SHIT!!!

Tom: wat

Lex: THEYRE ALL INTO FORTNITE DUDE!!!!!

So the doll can only fuck with adults not kids???

Jesus Christ this is depressing

U wot lex

Lex: YOURE LIKE 40!!!!! YOU PROBABLY THINK YOURE LIFE IS OVER!!!!

Holy fuck this shit is deep

Wait lex still doesn’t know about Ethan oh my god

And Dylan gets another hero song holy fuck just give Robert a song already everyone else has one

At the same time though this is S a d

I’m not crying you’re crying

YES DUMBLEDORE U HIT THAT HIGH NOTE

Tom: in fact you’re real fuckin ugly

Me: yeah no shit

Lex: FUCK YEAH!!!! Should i move these boxes first?

*cue very clever scene change*

Yeah Gerald no one wants to talk to u

Oh my god Linda leave Hannah and ethans hat alone my heart is breaking for Hannah

Linda: is this some kind of a jooooke?????

They’re gonna set one of their dolls on fire ok ok ok this is fine

More villain songs ookay

If someone could tell me what the fuck is going on in this scene I’d be very impressed

Evil yoga

YES LAUREN U QUEEN

HOLY FUCK IS THAT CHARLOTTE??????

OH MY GOD ITS JAIME IN THE CHARLOTTE COSTUME IT IS CHARLOTTE HOLY SHIT

ITS CHARLOTTE AND THE HOMELESS DUDE HOLY SHIT

The choreo is...... interesting

Cue Robert not-Corey and Lauren being the only good dancers and getting special choreo

FUCK YEAH BECKY WITH THE GUN

LINDA NO

Ookay so everyone’s on fire this is fine

Emma and Paul ex machina

SOMEBODY NUKED MOSCOW!

paul is family third wheeling

YOU KNOW, SHE HAS THIS KOOKY RECLUSIVE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR

*audience fucking looses their shit*

WHO LIVES ON THE EDGE OF TOWN

Paul is having an existential crisi because he sHOULD HAVE WORN A WATCH

Someone’s gonna fall of that staircase by the end of this performance

HOLY FUCK ITS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID

IT IS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID OH NY GODDDDD

LOOK AT HIM

It’s the what if tomorrow comes bit!!!!!!!

Okay again this choreo is interesting but the vocals are all S t u n n i n g

They’re literally counting down until the end of the show imma loose my shit that’s the least subtle they’ve been during the entire show

Hang on hang on hang on hang on haaaaang on right there

Did lex just never find out that her boyfriend died we were deprived of a heart wrenching moment when she found out about Ethan

Like jeez I cried and I barely knew him she was dating the guy and just... didn’t ask about him????

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN

That’s it!!!!! Those were my thoughts the first time I watched this through!!!!!!!

Scream at me in the notes with any questions and I’ll try answer them :)

[shyly-yours]

not too obvious

notes: was inspired by a reddit snapshot. it’s really quite adorable.

---

“Quick, let me hold your hand!”

“Sora, I’m eating lunch--”

“I only have five minutes to feel everybody’s hand before I have to make my next delivery!”

Lea put down his chopsticks inside the Cheeto’s bag he was holding. He wasn’t five anymore and did not appreciate cheesy powder clinging to his clean hands. “First, gross. Second, do I even--hey!”

Sora took Lea’s free hand and interlaced their fingers in a firm hold for several seconds. The hungry man learned the best tactic to any Sora brand shenanigans was to let it play out, and then bail when it looked like government enforcement got involved. “I would say you should buy me dinner first, but I kind of think Riku would have a problem with his boyfriend of four years taking out his ex-lover on a date.”

“No, this isn’t right either,” Sora mumbled and then sighed while letting Lea go. “I’ve held at least a hundred hands today and none of them are right!”

Shaking out his released digits, Lea set down his Cheeto’s, leaned forward on the table they were currently occupying, placed his elbows on the surface, and put his head onto his folded hands. “Well, if we’re doing hand counts now--instead of bodies--I can positively say you’ve actually one upped me for once. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’ve done Kairi, Ventus, Roxas, Terra, and Xehanort--”

“Maybe, check, check, check, and what the fuck.”

“--and none of them feel right.” Sora ruffled his spikes as he sighed. “Why are you the only one here? I was hoping to feel Isa’s hand before he left for band practice. Did he leave already?!”

“It’s a holiday, dumbass. How did you even get in here? The shop isn’t open--waaait, did you make copies of the key I gave you years back?”

“There’s no time for questions, Lea! It’s imperative you tell me where Isa is!!”

“I’m not telling you where my other half is if you’re just going to molest him like you did me.”

“What?! I did NOT--”

“Sora? What are you doing here?” Namine’s sweet voice asked from the break room doorway. “Doesn’t Riku have a show tonight? You’re usually with him when he does.”

“Let me hold your hand!”

----

There was a talent show at a convention Sora took Riku to that one time. They were dressed as popular video game characters that Riku had no clue about, but he would do just about anything for Sora (well, okay, he would do anything for Sora), and they received positive comments everywhere they went. Therefore, it was easy for Sora to persuade Riku into a duet to “give the people what they want”. It was a wonderful memory Riku cherished very much. 

He has to remind himself that Sora didn’t orchestrate Riku being discovered by an attending talent agency representative. Riku thought it was a joke at first--he was a good singer, but he didn’t think it would necessitate things like recording contracts or publicity interviews. He wasn’t so far gone into stardom that he needed a bodyguard to protect him from invading paparazzi. He was in that sweet spot of having gained enough notoriety to be recognized once or twice while buying toilet paper with his cute boyfriend at the local supermarket. 

It’s just... most of the good things to happen in Riku’s life are usually associated with Sora. It took him a while to recognize self sabotage and learning to take time-outs when haunting thoughts resurfaced before old habits reverted him back to a person Riku didn’t like. Sora met him at this stage in his life--a chapter where Riku looked at gift horses in the mouth and manipulated the situation into a disaster before anybody else could ruin it. Despite fading into a toxic shell, Sora remained his friend, eventually a best friend, and coaxed Riku back “into the light” where Sora knew he belonged. Such a genuine person deserved somebody who didn’t occasionally hiccup, right?

“So when are you planning on asking him?”

Riku and Kairi sat side-by-side on the edge of the amphitheater stage. “You don’t think it’s too soon to ask him to marry me?”

Kairi shoved Riku’s shoulder with hers and said in a disbelieving tone, “Are you seriously asking my opinion about whether or not you should ask Sora, our impulsive and reckless and dearly beloved Sora who you have been dating and living with for a while now--”

“Only because I was getting evicted!”

“--who, might I also add, has been deeply in love with you since the day you two first met--”

“You just said he’s impulsive and reckless. I don’t know if I’ve been complimented or insulted.”

“--and whether or not you should marry him?”

Kairi stared.

“...the jury’s still out?”

And then smacked Riku upside the head.

----

What’s fascinating about the world of Sora is that he inherently knows when the time is right. His mother always told him to follow his heart when it came to the facts of life and making tough choices. Leaving Destiny Islands behind was an internal struggle, but a necessary change as Sora felt the universe calling him elsewhere. He made new friends, reunited with other adventuring islanders, and eventually landed in the energetic hubbub of Radiant Garden.

This is where he met Riku, one of the adventuring islanders Sora was surprised existed (although now he knows better than think he was the first to venture away from Destiny Islands). It wasn’t obvious then, but Sora’s heart knew Riku would always be a part of his life. Now to find the correct hand measurement for the ring he wanted to buy to further cement Riku’s permanency in his world.

“I’m really exhausted trying to find Cinderella’s shoe--”

“We made a list of code words, Sora, and you’re still sticking to this one?!”

“--and I’m not going to give up until I find the right hand, but Aqua I’m really starting to freak out here. LOOK OUT I’M COMING THROUGH!”

Sora threw his cellphone into the bicycle basket in order to put both of his hands onto the handlebars for better swerve control. Exclamations and shocked shouts were hollered in his direction both from walking pedestrians and his mobile. Sora was never meant to multitask at any capacity no matter his stubbornness to improve his lack of skill. Riku said Sora must have been born under a new moon to have been inhibited with so much chaos. 

“SORA! What’s happening?!”

Out of harms way and coming up to his final destination, Sora plucked his cell out of the basket and resumed his conversation. “Sorry, Aqua! Yen Sid’s Bao buns have been really popular today and he called me in to help with deliveries before Riku’s concert tonight!”

Aqua sighed in disapproval. “I really wish you wouldn’t talk and drive, Sora.”

“It hasn’t been that bad today! I only crashed once and it was smooth sailing up until just a minute ago.”

“So let’s reset the accident calendar to ‘zero days since last incident’, shall we?”

“Can we focus on what’s really important right now?”

“Oh! You mean you don’t want to discuss the state of your health and well-being? Because I have a mountain of evidence that says there should have been an intervention weeks ago.”

It was Sora’s turn to sigh. “Okay, I hear you Aqua! I need to take better care of myself! No need to mother hen me into an early grave.”

“I love you, Sora, but how does that even make sense?”

“Listen,” Sora grabbed the last take-out bag, walked up to the townhouse front door, and knocked. “I haven’t found a hand that resembles Riku’s and if I don’t get the ring size for the jeweler soon, tonight will be ruined. Well, not ruined-ruined because Riku is perfect and wonderful and his show is going to be GREAT but, like, I want to be married to him already, Aqua!”

The last part of Sora’s tirade came out whiny and the person who answered his knock heard every single syllable. “Um...”

“Oh! Hello, my name’s Sora and I’m your delivery service today! Oh behalf of Heavenly Buns we thank you for your order!”

“I thought you were joking when you said that was the name of Yen Sid’s restaurant,” Aqua mumbled to herself.

The patron smiled at Sora’s enthusiasm. “Awesome! I paid over the app already, but, um, give me a sec to get get you a tip.”

Already on the edge of despair from time’s harsh reality, Sora glanced at his wristwatch (anniversary gift) and said, “It’s totally okay! Your thanks is enough!”

“No, no, no, I have my wallet nearby. I used to work as a pizza delivery guy and I know how hard this job can be,” the customer said. He grabbed his food and left to find the aforementioned wallet leaving Sora to awkwardly stand on his doorstep.

“It’s nice to know there’s still decent people around,” his phone crackled. 

Biting his lip nervously, Sora sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, I’m really anxious about getting his ring in time and, well...”

“I’m listening.”

“...him saying yes.”

Sora couldn’t see her, but Aqua has been his confident throughout this excursion and he knew she was softly smiling. “Sora... do you want me to list all of the reasons why he is going to say yes to you like Kairi? Or do you want me to sprout endless quips like Lea until you finally get it knocked into your brain?”

“Um, how about some mother henning like Aqua?” It was Sora’s worst kept secret that he gravitated towards his friends that had strong maternal qualities when he had an episode. It was his quiet way of remembering his mother who passed two years earlier.

Sora heard a change of background noise and the click of a door shutting. He imagined Aqua stepped outside of her house as she tended to do that to better focus on serious conversations. “I may not have known you two from the beginning of your relationship, but I rarely see a person look at you the way Riku does every time you’re both in the same room together, Sora. You might not notice, but Riku is always making sure you’re comfortable first before he takes care of his own needs. He’s a dependable young man that cherishes the heart you have given him and he will always protect it from harm. It actually makes me jealous you found somebody that compatible in midst of your uncontrollable life.”

Rubbing at his eyes, Sora released a surprised laugh. Shakily, he said, “Riku worked hard to become the person he is now. He just needed somebody to believe in him to start creating the future he has now. I mean, he’s going to the next biggest pop star, Aqua! I can’t let him be tied down with me when his career hasn’t even started yet!”

“You’re doing it again, Sora.”

“...doing what?”

“Not believing in you. He won’t say no because he suddenly has a new life ahead of him. He’ll only say no if this isn’t something you want. Which, by the way ding-dong, are you already forgetting how passionate you were about wanting to be ‘married to him already’?”

“But what if he doesn’t want this?!”

“Then you will come to my place and we will hash it out over some moscato while Kairi and Lea wreak hell upon his person until he see’s sense again.”

“I don’t want him forced into marrying me, Aqua! That’s got to be illegal in several countries if not all of them!”

A throat cleared behind Sora. “Uh,” it was the customer back with the promised munny. “That sounds like a really interesting conversation you got going on there, buddy.”

Sora turned red in embarrassment. “Well, uh...” in for a penny, in for a pound. “Just, y’know, having an internal crisis about whether or not my almost famous boyfriend wants to settle down with,” Sora paused and gestured to himself, “this.”

Caught in the moment with this exchange of words, Sora barely heard Aqua on his phone, “I know you just didn’t call yourself a ‘this’. That is the equivalent of ‘it’ and you are worth so much more than that.”

The client clearly had no idea what to do. “Oh, well, um, good luck with that?” He shoved his fistful of munny at Sora. “And here! Thank you again for the delivery!”

Sora looked at the patron’s outstretched hand and froze.

“...Are you... are you okay?”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“...What?”

“Your hand! Can I hold it just for a quick second, please? I promise this isn’t for something weird--well, it’s a weird request, yes I know, because you don’t know me--well, you kind of do because I told you my name, but I don’t know yours! What’s your name? WAIT, that’s not important right now!  Please help me propose to my boyfriend who I love very much?!” Sora looked at the guy with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster. Considering the emotional rollercoaster he has been through recently it didn’t take much effort on his part.

The guy’s eyes widened as he considered calling for help. “Look, can you please just take the munny and go? My buns are getting cold.”

“I’ll pay for your dinner if you just hold my hand for a few seconds, sir, and I promise you’ll never see or hear from me again! Unless you wanna be friends!!”

“...Okay, I guess?”

Relieved, Sora set his phone down onto the townhouse banister and reached for his wallet to pull out munny. Elsewhere, Aqua facepalmed in exasperation. Sora was a sweet kid, truly, but his eccentric approach to life is why Lea purchased the accident calendar to go next to the tally marks of how many new friends Sora makes in a week. Sometimes their group makes bets.

Aqua smiled when she heard Sora’s shout of excitement on the other end of the line (and casually overlooked the distressed sound from the ex-pizza man).

----

note: part one of two...?

[inspired-aspirer]

Z Berg and Ryan Ross Concert Masterpost

hello and I am sorry that I promised to post before Christmas about my experience of flying to LA for the Z Berg and Friends concert where I saw and met Ryan Ross. Here is a breakdown of the night and how it went from what I remember and if you have any questions after I post this I will do my best to answer them and if I cannot I will tell you and perhaps someone who can answer you question better than I.

1. anything before the concert

So I know many of the people reading this are not in fact, from Los Angeles California, and I can say I am not one of those people. I live in the middle of nowhere, better known as the state of Oklahoma. So the trip in and of itself was my Christmas present and cost ten times over the price of the ticket to the concert itself. I decided to purchase the tickets after Ryan Ross posted to instagram his photo of the Bad List shoot with “…Gonna play some new ones” as the caption to his post on 30th November. I then convinced three of my friends to come with me, flying from Oklahoma, Georgia and another from Alabama. We found some cheap ass tickets that ran about $250 each and convinced some family friends to let us use their beach house for a weekend and we were off. The tickets were $15.00 before taxes and fees, afterwards they rang up to be a grand total of $18.21.

It is notable that the tickets sold out prior to the day of the concert so I would recommend with any of Z’s concerts in the future, to buy your tickets weeks in advance to avoid anyone not getting a ticket.

2. the day of the concert

a. before doors open

The location of the concert was at the Pico Union Project which my friends and I looked up the night before to scope out the place. I recommend looking up the places around it if you plan on camping out for the day for a restroom and most definitely pack snacks. I ate lunch at noon and made the mistake of not eating again until 6am the next day which really was not a good thing. So pack snacks and take care of yourself. We got there around 3:30pm and there were already about 30ish people. We just missed Z coming out early to see everyone and take pictures, but nonetheless, we got a pretty great spot in line. I will say that for the most part, all of the people waiting outside the concert were lovely, and we all had a great time talking about what we were looking forward to and where everyone was from. I met some chill locals who had been to these things before, a guy who had been to every single one of Z’s concerts and a girl who, like me, got this trip as a Christmas present and flew with her mom all the way from Massachusetts.

*We all added eachother on insta and facebook so 10/10 quality people.

I will however, point out some things that were not good or respectful, and I hope people in the future will refrain from doing this in the future. 

1. Being disrespectful to people passing by, especially to some of the homeless people we saw walking by throughout the evening. 

2. Wearing new Panic! merch (I’ll get into this later because there was an issue to be dealt with during the meet and greet time.)

3. Playing new Panic! songs while people are trying to listen the pre-show sound check and rehearsals, or just playing new Panic! stuff in general

4. Also I overheard a group of girls say “Honestly, I am more of a Brendon fan, he is sooo hot. And tbh fuck Ryan Ross haha” and I get it, everyone is entitled to their opinion and such but if you are going to have that attitude, please keep it to yourself. I didn’t hear such negativity during the meet and greet from them but it really put me in a bad mood when I heard that.

The doors did open right at 8 o’clock and everyone was really good at staying in their place in line and not rushing the door. Have your tickets ready to scan and phones at full brightness. (Bring battery packs because you will need your phone for a ticket scan and probably for pics of the performances and if you want to meet them later so save it for as long as possible.) Due to our great spot in line we sat in the fourth row back which was prime seating and we had the great luck of sitting behind Z’s family which was really fun to hear them talk about the work put into the show and other fun tid bits. There was even a point when her grandmother said something like “I don’t know why they insisted on leaving so late to get here. I think they should have left early and had a nice lunch before all this” and I thought that was the most adorable and grandma thing to say. Also if you are 21 or older, you can get a wristband for alcohol, if you have your ID out and ready to show them when you first walk into the venue when they scan your ticket. I also recommend getting into the line for merch quickly because things do sell out and the line does take forever. I immediately got in line when my ticket was scanned while my friends snagged seats and it still took me about 20-30 minutes to get everything I wanted. Also I recommend taking cash to buy things, it makes everything go faster.

b. the concert

The concert itself was amazing. Z hosted the entire first half from the balcony in an exact replica of Sharon Tate’s wedding dress as I am sure you have seen photos of. I will confirm, it was magical. She curses like a sailor in front of a backdrop of pure grace. She interacted with he audience the entire time and genuinely enjoys just spending time with her fans and the people that came to hear some good music. The first half of the show was the “& Friends” portion of the show, with majority of the people playing one song each with a few exceptions such as Azure Ray, Jackson Browne, Alex Greenwald and of course, Ryan Ross. 

So throughout the concert, people in the concert/show (idk what I would call it officially???) would come in and out from backstage to watch each other, which I thought was wholesome. Ryan did not come out to watch like everyone else and my working theory is, the one time he did poke his head out the door, first of all, me and like 10 other people saw him, he smiled and winked (I died) and then went back in, after that people stopped paying attention to whomever was onstage and so I think he didn’t want to take away from the other acts performing. It's admirable and I understand why he stayed backstage until it was his time to go and then would promptly exit after his numbers were done. 

In the first half Ryan came out with Alex Greenwald and played the guitar for him. Everyone screamed and cheered despite the wonderfully melancholic mood of the crowd mixed with the beautifully crestfallen music that had preceded them. Alex jokingly said “wow you guys are so nice” after we screamed following the remark someone in the back made along the lines of “I love you Ryan”. Let’s be honest, we were all thinking it and she had the courage to say it. So as far as the number, he sat and played his guitar in a suit that looked one size too big and jet black hair that was perfectly out of place. It was heaven. Following Alex’s song, Ryan ditched the guitar and joined him to sing “Lonely Moonlight” as a duet. He made jokes prior to the song saying they wrote it “18 or 25 years ago”. Alex agreed and laughed to which Ryan amended “actually it was the year 1825 when we wrote this” and the crowed giggled with them. 

What I’m getting at is this entire concert, there were moments when you felt like no one else was around and you are sitting in any one of their living rooms, having a good time listening to them play their music and laugh with each other. “Lonely Moonlight” was beautiful and the hall was silent a part from them, no one dared speak until Ryan smiled and walked off the stage and disappeared backstage again. A few more beautiful songs later, many which Z sang in followed and then there was a brief intermission for approximately 15 minutes. 

The second half of the concert Z came back on stage to the “Overture” from Nightmare Before Christmas and I died. Her voice is literally angelic and I just want everyone to know that while you damn well know that she knows she has the best fuckin’ voice ever, she remained absolutely graceful about it in any duet she did and didn’t try to out do anyone and remained humble the entire freaking time and I’m gonna cut myself off right now because she is my role model. 

*inhales* 

Anyways, so I’m just gonna tell you she brought Ryan on stage with one of the most iconic ways you could bring Ryan on stage, “Um, haha, I think I need a little baby Ryro” *everyone screams* “I do that to when he walks into a room. After ten years it is getting pretty fuckin’ annoying” and he smiled and laughed and everyone was probably either screaming or crying or a combination of both. She and Ryan sang “Calm Before the Storm” together, he just sang with her and she played the guitar as well. After his bit in the song was done, he just walked to the back of the stage and sat on the floor and just smiled at her and did some funny gestures, (Again, I have this on video, I just don’t know how to link long videos in a tumblr post). The crowd was amused by this and it caused Z to turn around to see what was going on, and they laughed. 

Again the atmosphere was pure enjoyment and I wish everyone would get to experience that at any concert. Then he walked off stage while Z said “yeah we just love to watch you walk away” and truer words have never been spoken. The final time he did come out to perform was, of course, for “The Bad List”. 

c. The Bad List

Yes I am giving this one song an entire thing on it’s own because I just have a lot of things to say about this performance of this song. 

First of all, during the soundcheck while we (all the crazy fans) were outside we heard the song resonate outside the walls and the sound was angelic, so you could only imagine what it sounded like inside the venue. 

Second, everything before, during, and after really just was surreal and thank god I have the whole thing on video (and I mean the WHOLE 7.5 minutes) because it is NOT something I want to ever forget. Ryan came onstage, and hugged Z and everyone awed, and then she went into this adorable and heart-warming speech thanking her fans and the people coming out tonight while Ryan tried to move his mic to the other side of her. 

This was hilarious for two reasons. 

First, any footage I have seen of Ryan Ross, out doing normal people things has just been gold because just like the rest of us, I would imagine, he is on the struggle bus every day going nowhere fast. So he had a time and a half trying to move the mic stand along with everything else to the other side of the stage. 

Second, Z was completely oblivious the entire time he was trying his best, to move the mic. Adorable really. He also chimed in at the end of her speech that “She means that it’s all she has been talking about all week” which apparently embarrassed her but let’s be real, she is two perfect and sweet to even think abou tbeing embarassed. Don’t worry, she got him back by calling him out for saying they should turn up the piano “a weenie bit”. Then she announced they were going to sing “The Bad List” and everyone cheered to which Ryan responded with a sarcastic “Wait have you heard it yet?” and yeah, the song began. 

It was divinely depressing. It was perfection.

Videos of the preformance don’t do it justice. We were the first and so far the only audience to hear it live, and everything I did to get there up to this point was worth it. It was the best performance of any song I have ever witnessed. I will navigate this hell site and hopefully figure out how to upload the video without getting copyright to take it down on my youtube channel and link it below so you guys can watch it. 

As many of you know, the song it super personal to them and a few times, you heard Z’s voice break from the truth the lyrics spoke about their life, and when each of them sang, the other really didn’t look at them. It was moving to see the emotion that drove the lyrics to the song and to hear which lines bled the most to each of them. In the piano instrumental part of the song, Ryan broke up the melancholy mood by asking Z to dance with him and they smiled and had a blast (or so it looked). She eventually went limp in his arms to play dead and you could see Ryan laughing at the theatrics she pulled. 

After the song ended, the smiled, everyone cheered, and they exchanged a few words which I couldn’t make out before she pulled everyone on stage for the final number. Ryan, ever the smol bean, walked to the side of the stage and did his best to blend in when everyone else from the evening piled on stage.

d. last number and Post-concert

Ok so I am almost done, I promise. The last number was “All Out of Tears” which everyone came up on stage for and sang with her on. Everyone stood up from thier pews for the last song and everyone clapped, danced, and sang along with her. The guitar and bass from the speakers were so loud that the “Z” hanging above the stage fell down in the middle of the performance, to which Alex Greenwald played the tambourine to throughout the second half of the song. Z promised that she would stay until the very last person got a picture or hug or autograph and wouldn’t leave until then. 

The concert ended on a high note unlike another. 

side note: so I know there is a joke about Ryan not being able to clap, and let me tell you, I made a point to look at the big ass rings he wears all the time when I met him, and yeah it would make me not able to clap normal either. In the video I have of them preforming “All Out of Tears” he at one point shakes his hands and mouths “ow” because I’d imagine his poor hands hurt. So yeah, still funny but give the guy a break.

After a breif break they all came out from backstage and made their way to the Christmas tree. They (Ryan and Z, the rest of the people left before I could get their autograph) kept their promise. Ryan came out chugging yellow red bulls and Z was a new woman after ripping off her straps to her dress (she told me and my friends this). I waited two and a half hours in line to meet Ryan and Z. It was at about two in the morning when I finally got my turn to speak to him. I noticed throughout the evening, he was never short with anyone, and if someone seemed overwhelmed and nervous (@me) he would take a pause, ask for your name and listen intently to whatever that person had to say to him. I was extremely nervous to have him sign any old Panic! merch and I have a few things to say about Ryan Ross and Panic! merch at the concert.

First off, don’t wear it, especially if it is new. Now I am not one for gatekeeping on a lot of things. However, I did see an individual (my hero) make a girl take of a new Panic! lanyard before she went up to see Ryan. It is disrespectful and frankly insensitive for anyone to do that to him in my opinion. The entire time he was patient, and understanding and omg if you ever get to hear his chuckle you will surely die and go to heaven, but I am appalled at anyone who would wear new Panic! merch or have the audacity to have him sign it. Thankfully, she took it off and I didn’t see anyone ask him to sign any new Panic! merch.

Second, Ryan is more than delighted to see The Young Veins apparel. One of the people I met at the concert was wearing a Young Veins sweatshirt and I saw some albums and CD’s people brought to him to sign and he had no issue doing so. 

Third, on the issue of Panic! merch he WAS a part of, such as AFYCSO and Pretty. Odd. albums, he signs them no problem. The girl right before me had all three CD’s (afycso, pretty odd, and take a vacation) and he said “Wow haha, you have all three of them” and laughed. I split up the stuff I wanted signed between myself and three friends so I got four things signed. One was my 2007 Rolling Stones issue where Panic! made the cover, I flipped the magazine to the page that had his face on it and when I gave it to him I had the best reaction. 

Well, first I totally blanked out so I only remember this because one of my friends videotaped the whole thing. Anyways, I said “hi, don’t hate me for what I am about to have you sign” among other things, gave him a letter and a bag of sour patch kids, and he said, no worries and just continued talking to me like it was no big deal. when I handed him the magazine he went “Oh man, I haven’t seen this photo in a while.” and even was stumped as to where he should sign it. He took the time to talk to me and let me say what I wanted to say to him. I asked to hug him and he said ok. Just so you know, he lets you take any kind of photo you want (within reason). Unfortunately I don’t have a single photo where we are looking at the same camera, but I have a 10/10 photo of Ryan Ross giving me a hug and let me just say, I am blessed. Another of my friends got an afysco vinyl signed and another got the booklet to my Pretty. Odd. CD signed without any issue or trouble. 

Now, my friend had a silver sharpie which I gave her before to sign a poster I bought of the cover of The Bad List with him and Z on it and she said he went to sign it, started to, then saw the silver sharpie, and went, “that is a silver sharpie” and she went, “it is” and then he said “I want to sign with the silver sharpie” so he signed my poster AGAIN in silver sharpie. Then, she went to Z to have her sign it, and she signed it and said “Wait, did he sign this twice? Well now I have to” and she signed the poster at the top in the middle and again on the picture. So that is the story of how I got the poster signed twice by both of them. 

e. Tid bits

I don’t think you want to hear all of the tid bits I have from talking to them on and off for an hour or so but here are the highlights.

I also got to hear Ryan say he made the Christmas playlist that was playing in the background. 

At one point, Z said, “I have to go to the bathroom, but he will be mad at me if he knows I left. Don’t tell him” and ran to the bathroom. Well Ryan did notice and went “where did she go” and we said “She said we can’t tell you” and he laughed and went back to signing and talking to whoever was next in line. 

Before I left Ryan I said to him “by the way, I can’t wait to hear the new music” and he chuckled and replied “Soon, I promise” and smiled before I left, so there’s that. 

Also might I add. I got the best hug of my life from Z. I spent like two solid minutes with my fiends telling her she was absolute perfection (there are no lies in that statement) and gushed over how amazing the show was and everything else and then she game me a solid, and I mean solid, 30 second hug and to be honest I didn’t want to let go. Then we talked to her some more and had a good time and then realized we had to leave because we had about 2 and a half hours until we had to be at LAX for our flight out. I cried on the way back because hello? I met Ryan Ross and Z Berg and you best believe I will do just about anything to make sure I can go to any more of her concerts.

So yeah I will try to post videos later. Thank you for your patience with me and uploading it. If you have ANY questions, please send me an ask. I won’t mind answering them at all. I hope everyone had a wonderfully dreadful Christmas on The Bad List and I can’t wait to see what music Ryan has in store for 2019.

much love ♥♥♥

[ethereal-lix]

You have sweaty hands

Alright, so this doesnt have a title and this is part two to the request. Again, i would like to apologise for the long wait. 

Warnings: None except for terrible writing, probably some grammatical errors i have no one to proof read and im too lazy to do it since its 2:30am 

Here is part one with Got7. i hope you all enjoy :)

Request:Hi, can I request a got7 and bts reaction (it can be separated or in the same post idc.) about their shy gf and her hand gets sweaty when he's holding her hand for to long? I have this problem so I need help.😣😣😭😭😖😳

Jin: You and Jin were at an amusement park for one of your rare dates out in public. You guys never really got to go out much, in general really. Jin was always busy with the boys, whether he was recording, filming something, on tour, practicing for the new music video, or the new dance, there was always something that kept him and you from having “real dates” so when you talked to him about how it had been months since he last took you out on a real date he promised to take you to the new amusement park that just opened a few weeks ago. You were so happy that you accepted on the spot and felt like you didnt need to hear anymore than the promise. Oh how you wished you had lt him finish saying what he was saying since you’re not too keen on amusement parks because of the crowd of people and the rides. You didnt do well with those two things adn now not only were they put together when you get nervous your hands start to sweat. Now add that to being shy and you have yourself a whole lot of problems. “Jin..” you begin to say before he cuts you 

off with a kiss to the temple, “You already said yes, you cant back down now” “That was before i knew what our date was going to be like.” You countered. “You know i dont do well with situations like this.” “It’ll be fun” Jin stated as he grabbed your hand literally dragging you to the closest ride. As time went on you found yourself having a lot of fun and you didnt know why you freaked out in the first place. That was until you saw the roller coaster that Jin was dragging you to. “Woah, wait, Jin no.” Jin stopped and looked at you. “What do you mean ‘no’?” he questioned. “Exactly what the word means Jin. No! im not getting on that ride. i’ll get one very other one but that one” Jin looked at you before a light bulb wen toff above his head. You gave him a quizzical looking silently asking him what he was thinking. Almost as if he could read your min he stuck his hand out. “Oh no, we are not playing rock, paper, scissors to see if ill get on that ride.” “What? are you scared that you’ll lose rock, paper, scissors?” He challenged. You’ve never lost a game of rock, paper, scissors to anyone so what do you have to be worried for, right? Wrong.  THe next thing you know you’re standing in line for that ride. “I cant believe i lost rock, paper, scissors.” you grumbled standing in line. Jin laughed at you before he grabbed your wrist uncrossing your arms from your chest so he can hod your hands. “Woah, your hands are super sweaty, are you okay? i didnt know you were this nervous. We can leave the line if you want? i can just come back with the boys or something?” You let out a deep sigh before you shook your hand loose from his grasp. “No, its fine i’ll get on  the ride.” “You sure?” “Yeah..” you whisper with a small smile. Once it was your turn tp go and you two were all situated in the seats and prepared to go on the ride of your life your grabbed his hand once more. “No need to be scared sweetie, itll be okay” Jin smiled at you giving your hand a small squeeze before he kissed the back of your hand.  

Suga: BTS was invited to an award show in the states and Yoongi had invited you as his plus one. You and Yoongi had been secretly dating for almost 11 months now and the fans just recently started to suspect something going on between you two. You were thankful that it look them this long to start suspecting something, but also a little sad that they started snooping around so soon. Since Yoongi had invited you as his plus one this would be your fist public appearance as a couple. You were excited but at the same time scared. What would everyone think? Would they fans like you? Hate you? You didnt know and that made you super nervous. You were already nervous for many reason and worrying about whether or not the fans would support you and your guys relationship. You already had sweaty palms, especially when you got nervous and now yo were about to have millions of people looking at you and watching your every move and that just made you sweat even more. as you had made it to the red carpet event Jimin had noticed that you were unusually quiet and hit Yoongis shoulder with the back of his hand and pointed at you. Yoongi leaned in and whispered in your ear while grabbing your hand. “Hey, Y/N you okay? Your hand is pretty sweaty.” “Uhhh yeah, just a little nervous i guess.” you mumbled back while taking your hand out of his to wipe it on your dress. “No need to be nervous. For any reason. You’ll have a good time during the event, the fans will love you, and no one will bother you. People are usually really good when it comes to giving significant others’ their personal space. I promise everything will go smoothly.” He stated while grabbing your hand and walking down the carpet.

Jhope: Today you were going with Hobi top his holiday party with the boys and their company. It would be the first time you met with the people who managed your boyfriends group and the boys he spends most of his time with, so to say that you were nervous would be an understatement. You sighed as you fixed the wrinkles in your dress. “There is no need to be nervous, everyone will love you.” You looked into the mirror staring at Hobis reflection, “But-” “But nothing, they will love you. They all cant wait to meet you. All i do is talk about you and i can tell you right now that they already love you and they cant wait to meet you.” he interrupted you while walking over to fix the back of your dress. You exhaled and looked into his eyes. “I guess you’re right..” you replied turning around to give him a quick peck to his lips. “Lets go before i get to nervous and back out.” As you got out of the car and walked up to the house where the party was taking place you instinctively rubbed your hands up and down your dress trying to wipe your hands off. Hobi looked at you before chuckling lightly and resting his hand on your lower back. “Like i said no need to worry.” Hobi reached down to grab your hand, before you swiftly moved it away. Looking at you with concerned before he gave you a questioning look. “Are you okay?” He murmured. You stammered for a second before you answered “Y..yeah im fine, its just.. my hands are really sweaty and i dint wanna hold yours ‘cause thats kinda gross.” Hobi laughed his beautiful laugh before grabbing your hand and knocking on the door. “Jagi, trust me when i say, i’ll never not want to hold your hand. Sweaty or not.”  

RM: You were currently on your way to go to the airport so you and your boyfriend and his band can go to Canada for a few concerts before taking a small break and picking back up in America with their newest comeback tour. You didnt do too well with heights but you managed, but plane rides were something completely different. there was no way around it. you had no where to go to avoid looking down, you had no other way to look where you wouldn't see how high up you were. It was only you, your mind, your fear, your thoughts, and that long, long, long plane ride. “Sweets you okay?” Namjoon whispered in your ear. “Uhm, yeah, im fine.” You stuttered out quietly. Namjoon looked around the car to see if any of the boys were awake at the moment, thankfully they werent. “Are you sure? You dint look okay, and youre doing that things with your hands when you get nervous.” He pointed to your hands and you looked down noticing that you were rubbing your hands together in hopes of not letting your hands get to sweaty. “Oh..” was all you could manage to get out. “Are you nervous about the plane ride?” You nodded before letting out a deep sigh. “Yeah. Sometimes i wonder how i flew to Korea on my own.” “Its going to be okay, especially since you got me and the boys here with you this time.” He mumbled against your temple before placing a chaste kiss to it and grabbing your hand. “Wait, wait..” “It’s fine. I dont mind. Especially because when i come home from dance practice you hug me and im sweating all over the place. I think i can handle a little had sweat.” He smiled down at you sweetly, “plus i love your hands, theyre so small compared to mine and i just love your hands.” You looked down with a slight blush, “and ill make sure that you sit in the middle and ill have Hobi switch seats with Tae so Hobi can sit with you and i and help keep you distracted.”  

Jimin: You and Jimin had arrived at the studio for your photoshoot. You and Jimin decided that you would release a duet just for the fun of it and at first it seemed fun, especially since it was 2:30 in the morning and you guys were pretty drunk, but now that youve made it past the writing and producing stages of the song and are now working on the visuals for the song you got super nervous. You werent the best singer, but you werent the best and the mire you thought about it the more nervous you got because what would the public say? Would they like it? Would they like you? Would they hate the song because you’re singing a song with their beloved Jimin? All the possibilities that could go wrong were running a thousand miles a minute in your head. “Love, you gotta stop worrying. Remember this song is just for fun. Its not meant it be a real single or a debut song. It was just for fun. Nothing more nothing less, so if the fans and public dont like it its fine. We didnt do this for them we did it for us.” He reassured you. “I hope youre right.” You mumble before being dragged away by the stylists to get you ready for the shoot. Once they had finished getting you all ready you walked to the set. “You look amazing love” Jimin greeted you from behind. “Were almost ready for you guys.”The stage manager stated as he walked by grabbing some props for the background. You turned around to face the set taking a few deep breaths. Jimin noticed how nervous you were and walked up behind you wrapping you up in a hug before turning you around to face him and grabbing your very clammy hands. “Like i said, this was just for fun, if people dont like it thats fine. All that matters ist hat you had fun, and i want you to have fun during this experience so dont think about anyone or anything and focus on me, and what were doing right here, right now, in this moment. When you look back on this i want you to have a good memory and i dont want you to regret that you spent too much time worrying about the reviews and what people are going to think. Let go and have fun in the moment. Worry about everything when you get to that bridge, yah?” You smiled and nodded your head walking on to set getting ready for the photoshoot. 

V: “Come on, Y/N its okay. All you have to do is just record the demo track fo r us and then well have someone else record your part. We just need to make sure that we get the right member to sing the part, and maybe you can do the background vocals?” Tae tried to bargain with you. “Tae, no i cant sing that well anyways so please just drop it.” You were in the shower when Tae had came home early. You didnt hear the door open since your music was blasting and Tae had walked into your bedroom looking for you when he heard your voice floating out of the bathroom and now as you were getting dressed Tae was trying to get you to sing on a demo track for him and the boys. “I’ll give you a choice, you can either record the demo for me or you can ne on the actual track. Personally i would prefer that you record the actual track. Your voice will compliment Jimins really well, pleaseeee!!!” Tae begged you while lightly shaking your arm. Suddenly he gasped, “How about we play rock, paper, scissors? I win you have to record the track with Jimin, you win and you wont have to record the song or even do the demo track.” You eyed him up adn down before you caved. Whats the worst that can happen? You surely wont lose, right? Wrong. Oh boy you were so wring. As you and Tae pulled up to the studio you started freaking out. “Tae, i really dont wanna do this, i cant sing, and all the boys will laugh when they hear me sing.” You whined into his ear as you walked through the doors to the booth. “No, the boys wont make fun of you, i promise.” Tae breathed out while grabbing your hand. “Oh wow, you really are nervous arent you?” “Yesss!!” you whined even more dragging out the ‘s’. Tae laughed before he pulled you off to the side. “Seriously, dont be nervous. Everything will go smoothly. I promise, and ill be right there by your side the whole time.” You exhaled and walked into the booth greeting the boys. “Thank you so much for doing this with me Y/N” Jimin beamed at you. You smiled as you relaxed, “no problem Jimin. Are you ready?” Tae smiled as he watched you slightly shake your hands hoping that the air would help dry them of more quickly.

Jungkook: You knew what you were signing up for when you said yes to being jungkooks girlfriend. You knew about the fans, the long days and nights away from him, the tours, the fan meets, the sleepless nights, him not eating much, him being gone most of the time, hi wanting to record you and have you help him out with songs and his Golden Closet Productions. You knew that he was adventurous and spontaneous, but you never took him for someone who would be down for bungee jumping. You shouldve seen it coming and you shouldve known that eventually he would want to go bungee jumping, but he never mentioned it, never even hinted at it, but now here you are, in the car with the rest of the boys, on your way to go bungee jumping. You, Jin, and Hobi were talking about how scared you guys were and how yall really didnt wanna do this, while Jungkook and Tae were talking about how much they wanted to do this and couldnt wait to arrived at the place. Jimin and Namjoon were indifferent about it. They werent scared or excited. They didnt know how to feel, honestly. Yoongi, was sleeping, as usual. On car rides he’d rather catchup on some much needed sleep. As the car pulled up to the area where you’d be jumping to your death you took in a sharp breathe and got out of the car. You walked with Hobi on your right while kookie was on your left. Once you walked up to the instructor you look down over the cliff. At least theres water so if the cord breaks youll have water to land in versus the cold hard ground. “Whatcha thinkin ‘bout hun?” Jungkook asked from behind you making you jump. “Just thanking the higher gods above that theres water underneath this bridge.”Jungkook laughed as he grabbed your hand. “No, please dont hold my hand.” You whispered as you tried to take your hand back. “Why?” Jungkook looked at you with so much confusion. “Im so nervous that my hands are sweating uncontrollably and i dont want you to hold my hand cause thats gross and you shouldnt have to hold my sweaty hands.” “I’m your boyfriend, and one of the best perks of dating you is getting to hold your hands so thats exactly what im going to do. Hold your hand. Sweat or no sweat. I love you. No lets go bungee jumping. I really wanna see you scream your heart out.” Jungkook laughed while pulling you over to the instructor so you can get all ready to go up and jump. “Uhh, i have a question before i go up there. Can i jump with my boyfriend?” The instructor thought about it for a minute. “Sure, why not?” and with that he let Jungkook on the platform with you.

[icharchivist]

Thinking of siblings t/rauma (and considering i no longer have th/erapies to talk about it so gotta find a way to put it into words since it seriously makes me spiral down everytime someone talk about “real siblings dynamic”) I see them enough to try to see why it makes me that uncomfortable.

For the longest time i thought about it being the abandon issues; And i think it’s partially true.

My eldest sister ran away from home when I was 7, I barely have any memories of her, which is extremely frustrating because i know she was the person i was the closest to back then. My mom was always neglectful, my father was never here and always so.... him, hateable, and my other sister was jealous of me and always shut me down. (we have family videos that show it a lot, like my parents trying to capture me in video when i was a kid and my sister barging in and trying to take all the focus, this sort of things). My sister also told me later that one thing that killed her was that i was this close to our eldest, in a way she wasn’t, and she took it against me.

I have no memory of the person i was the closest to before I turned 7. She left around my 7th birthday and in between two times my mom was in the hospital bc of a cancer.

And it left... such a sour ambiance at home. My mother was already neglectful but from that point on, rightfully so though, she ended up in a major depression. My dad was an asshole and was mocking it all the time, probably not helping that he’s probably the reason she left to start with. And my sister felt so betrayed she pushed away everyone. It alligned with when i started to get bullied at school. And worse of all, I was 7, so no one took the time to tell me what’s going on. I originally thought she left for my grandmother’s house for months, when they told me my sister did a judicial procedure to be officially under my grandma’s care with a restrincting order on my parents I’ve heard it ways later bc my mom was crying that my sister was trying to put them in prison, without giving me any context. And then without warning, the trials ended, and my sister left the country with my grandmother never to be seen again- and it took them months to tell me that.

It’s the usual isn’t it with this family. They do horrible things that have horrible consequences but they never say anything about it and you have to deal with it. Shame i had to do it when I was 7.

Unhelpful either too is that i inherited my sister’s room when she left. I was surrounded by all of hers without even seeing her again. And I barely even remember why we were closer. I just know the few memories I have of her were loving and close, and I know my sister told me about it more, that I was copying my eldest all the time and it made her so happy and i have no memory of that.

The next year I think, my other sister got deadly sick and had to be hospitalized. My mom freaked out, not wanting to lose another daughter this soon, and stayed by her side all the time. During the 3 months she was at the hospital i was left alone with my dad who was, and still is, an asshole, who would drop me off at a mom’s friend’s house bc it was a bother taking care of me, and again i was having problems at school and I was barely told what was going on.

My sister told me that she believes she got sick because in a way, she felt my mom’s neglect this way. She feels like her body responded to all that tr/auma. The result though is that my sister ended up with a fragile health and my mom kept overprotecting her, being here all the time for her. But never for me. Who cares anyway.

The thing is that, we both lived my eldest sister’s departure badly, both my sister and I. And we were fighting all the time. Like “real siblings do” according to online popularity. We were seriously always fighting and bickering and it was vile. My sister was never nice to me, always shutting me out, always venomous, hating when i was trying to be around her, hating if i was even around when her friends were over. But there was nothing fun in all of that. Even playing together was always vile, with my sister constantly making me regret it. There is nothing from that time period I look foundly at. Because I had a loving sister before I guess, because we both had. And we were both lost, both abandonned, both with different memories to hold on to, and my sister coped by clinging to her friends and rejecting me, and i did while people were rejecting me everywhere by trying to cling to my sister and being constantly pushed away.

And I was all the more frustrated that my mom was covering her with attention but barely looked in my direction at all time. A thing i’ve felt back then and had to talk to to my family as i grew up and they all ended up agreeing that it totally happened. I used to hear “you just believe that because you’re the youngest and isn’t used to not having the attention on you” but nowadays if you ask either my sister or my mom they know it’s true.

A couple of years after my eldest sister left, my other sister managed to contact her again. They talked for a few weeks, and my sister didn’t tell me before a few weeks, where she told me we should never tell mom because our eldest still resented her. When I asked if i could talk to her, my sister told me not yet, that she was trying to arrange it but that for now our Eldest needed time to think about messaging me back.

All was ruined bc my mom discovered it and took my sister’s mail account to beg my eldest to come back. We have never known what exactly went on in that, except that my eldest blocked my sister and sent a letter back home, saying she never wanted to have anything to do with any of us ever again. We have never heard of her personally after that. A missed chance.

When I was around 13, my parents divorced.It was vile, it still is, it was a disaster, my father ruined my mom’s life to a poitn she had no future staying there anymore. And because she recontacted a childhood sweetheart she fell in love with again back then, she decided to move away on the Reunion Island.

My sister and I had a choice. To stay with my father, or to leave with my mom.

I was bullied badly at school and was never close to my father. I took the chance as a fresh new start. My sister though had a good life, good friends, she was one year away from finishing high school, she had a boyfriend, a stable life. She refused to leave and stayed with my father.

The last few months before we left were the weirdest. It’s when my sister started to open up to me a little more. We were doing more sibling things like watching TV shows until late in her room, discussing together, sneaking up food. I think it was when we realized that we weren’t going to see each other again for a while. It was a weird time.

When we finally left with my mom, my sister ceased all contact with us. Mainly, because she felt abandonned; Because she wished we wouldn’t have left. Because she had been abandonned before and we wer eputting her through that again. So on my side, i also felt abandonned. Even if our relationship was weird with my sister, we were there. It was different than to have your sister ignoring your mails. Not after havign dealt with the total absence of the eldest one.

It lasted about a year. In that year, I came to visit for the summer holidays and my sister came to visit for the winter holidays. In between them, we barely talked. Aside from those two times, we never talked.

My uncle is a musician- in summer, we celebrated my sister’s birthday, and my uncle insisted that i sing a song for my sister when I was there. I picked a song half in french half in english, a duet. The english part resents the french part for having left, for not trying to make the relationship work, while the french parts talks about “if it’s too late to come back, i would come back in time and of all that i’m made of, i would give it back to you, even if we have to learn it all again/I wish i would have given you all about myself, instead of leaving, make everything anew between us again, instead of lying talking about our differences- loving you in another way than backward.” I still cry when i hear this song. So does my sister. She came running into my arms crying that day telling me how unfair it was to make your sister cry on her birthday.

Things got worse for my sister when we were away. my father kicked her out of the house as soon as she turned 18. She had a hard time adjusting to her new life, and she took mom being away even harder.

On my side, i was still bullied at school, had to deal with the step family, ahd to deal with my father being an asshole, and had my mom collapse on me completely because she “lost two daughters” as my sister didn’t talk to her anymore. I had to deal with my mom’s depression all that time. and mine that started to settle in. It was a bad time.

For a time, my mom managed to contact back her mother. It was a weird time. They echanged mails a few time. My grandmother as diagnosticked with a cancert so she wanted to contact back the daughter she had lost in all of that. But, as i mentioned before- my eldest sister left to live with my grandmother. My mom cherished this newfound bound with her mom to try to discover what became of my eldest sister. My grandma always shut her down though.

My mom got another divorce (which she subtlely blamed on me for mentioning i wanted to come back in France for my highschool) and..... She asked my grandmother if they could go live where they lived, on another island. It would have made us in contact with the Eldest again. My mom wanted my sister to come and join us. My grandma first accepted but refused to let us talk to my eldest sister for a while. We organized moving away to that island to live back with them, and it was.... so stressful. My sister hadn’t been answering to us since the plan had happened, i still didn’t know what i want, and i was terrified about meeting my eldest sister i have almost forgotten everything about then.

A couple of weeks before we officially had to put our stuff on the boat to that island, my grandmother called to tell us not to come close; That my eldest sister didn’t want to see us ever again, that she was furious it was even made without her accord, and that we weren’t welcomed. At the last minute, we had to reschedule the whole moving away thing to France back again. With my mom more destroyed than ever for having that hope this close and it being crushed.

I don’t even remember how i felt back then. I started developping a deadly skin disease because of stress, and this sickness still follows me to that day. So i guess I really didn’t take it well. I reached my breaking point.  (it took months for my parents to actually start worrying about the fact my skin was falling apart and i was screaming in pain lmao. It took months. When I finally got to see a doctor about it i got yelled at because I was close from being worth being hospitalized because of how bad it became.)

Came back in France, troubles with my father got worse, as history knows, and my mom was crushed. My sister on the other end... well we moved back to the city she lived. But my mom was clinging to her, was quite and still is suffocating to her. And my sister never liked it. So she put on barriers, took her distances, which made my mom be worse in worse.

For what it’s worth, even if we didn’t see each other a lot, we saw each other fairly often. And my relationship with my sister had definitly changed since.

Since I came back, we are closer than we ever were. My sister isn’t someone i really have a lot in common with- not at all, and when it comes to advice, my sister tends to give some of the worst advice, or neglect how i feel, and put me into mess of situations. She doesn’t consider how i feel all that much or insist that i’m blowing things out of proportion. Yet despite this, when we are together, we smile, we laugh, we joke, we tease, we hug, we watch stuff, we have fun.

It’s far from perfect. Sometimes we have fights. sometimes they’re petty and still loving, in a way our fights weren’t before. Sometimes they are full blown fights. One of those i remember pushed me to a full blown panic attack.

But there are a lot of differences. of my sister sometimes wanting me around more, of her wanting me to meet her friends, to know her universe, things she never did before. And we get along well for two people as different as we are.

And we talked a lot about our common tr/auma. Of how we both dealt about our eldest sister, about our parents.

But with all of this, the fights we have with my sister are never things i look endearingly at thinking “yup that’s what siblings are like”. This is things that pushes me to cry and collapse because “why are we doing this again haven’t we been through enough”.

Everytime i read about “what normal siblings do”, “how normal siblings behave”, “how eldest sister are oppressed”/”if you’re a youngest child you don’t know anything about the suffering of the eldest”, this sort of posts, I spiral down exactly in all of that i just mentioned. All of that starts to haunt my mind again until i collapse crying and desperate.

My family ruined my life in every single aspect.I cannot blame my eldest sister for having ran away from it. I’m glad she did. But the abandon that came out of it destroyed me, and destroyed any relationship in this family. And even if i look more lovingly to the relationship i have with my other sister, as we are closer than before, she is still... terrible at times. In a way that I don’t think most people can relate to. Because of our family, because of our history.

And all of this mess? Even if i’m sure there’s more to it, and well, this post focuses on siblings but anyone who knows me know my relationship with my mom and father (and step families) extend all sort of stresses and things worth being depressed about. Adding the bullying and my abusive r/elationship on top of that and the fact i didn’t have proper friends before high school, and you have someone who can barely rely on people.

It ruined my mental health. I’m just symptoms over symptoms at this point. My only good personality trait is my overobsession on stuff but that’s because it’s the only way i manage to forget that this is the mess i come from. I can only define myself to  what my depression and family left me. To all that tr/auma; And it’s haunting. It stops me from sleeping every night. It pushes me to the most horrible thoughts.

All while knowing I cannot change anything about it. Thinking of a future is bleak. This is all too much of a burden to think about.Even if now i’m lucky to have friends who care and love me. I don’t even know what can be the path for recovery from that point on. All I know is that the first step will be to get away from this family in one way or another, but i’m far from being able to take this step. And i’m left with my memories.

I mentioned f.rozen and how i hate how ppl bash the sibling dynamic in it in my other post and i think i can continue my point here: i don’t relate to the relationship of Elsa and Anna, but I wish i could. This is the ultimate fantasy for me. In a way my depression defines me too much, my panic attacks, all of that. But i know what it’s like to be shut away, to be abandonned for a long part of our life, to have lost controle of it, most likely because of bad advices from your parents. In a way, F.rozen talks to me because it’s the ultimate fantasy of a broken disfunctional family where the siblings eventually make it out okay and tries to mend what was broken, to try to understand why it happened, to reach out when the other is freaking out. That’s something i can never have and never will, and will never work with the types of siblings that i have. But the simple fantasy of it being something people can achieve in a fantasy world in which you can escape for 1h40? I’m so glad it exist. I love l.ilo and stiches,and i love the sibling relationship in it, but it’s not comparable. It’s more realistic, more grounded in reality. And it’s exactly what i’m running away from. The sibling conflict is nothing alike the F.rozen’s one. I hate when people pit those two movies against each other as “one being the supperior sisters movie” like apparently there’s only one way to portray siblings into movies and straying away from it is a mistake.

I’m just babbling now i have a headache from having cried the whole time i typed that.

it’s been a while i posted a T/rauma time on my tumblr.

But this is what i mean everytime i say i get mad at “sibling cultures” posts. This is what gets through my mind the whole time.

I just wish it wasn’t.

*sighs* i’ll go back to watch my movie now if you excuse me.

[rottenwoodandwiltedsunflowers]

Waffle how was your birthday trip? Did you get any birthday tea from Matron?

I did get tea with the Matron! My birthday show was weird but not in a bad way. Kae flew home before I woke up that morning to check on our toddler and I am an extreme introvert so I probably would have just stayed in my hotel room all day reviewing party pics and videos and maybe wallowing. Luckily, I have the best of friends who invited me out so I spent the afternoon at The Met (which I haven’t been to in ages) before we all hit up Ovest for dinner pre-show. They are the best! Instead of wallowing alone in my hotel room, I was able to wallow a bit in my thoughts at a museum with friends. It was certainly preferable!

When we got to the show, there was a happy hour in the Manderley (due to it being that magical week where they have to set up the lodge for the winter) so we didn’t have to wait in line which is always nice. Birdie got me a birthday cookie because the staff there are simply THE BEST!

The show was a bit weird but honestly, I have spent a few birthdays there and it tends to be. It’s me, not the show. I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about loss and causation and regret. The hotel gives me the room to do that and the fabulous mask to hide the fact that I may be doing that. I think because I had such I nice day with friends, I decided to give myself a loop right off the bat with one of my favorite characters, Sexy Witch. I was in a good mindset and I afforded myself a loop of a guilty pleasure. Kae often likes to make fun of me when I follow Sexy out of the ballroom because it happens often and it used to happen even more often! I just really enjoy the loop. Her loop is one of the most fun in the building. The character, by design, is set up to be a fun and flirty character. Besides her post-rave break, there are really no moments of sadness or pain. It is unlike most of the other residents in that way. Even in the moments where she is inflicting harm on Porter or Lady Macduff, she is having a good time herself. I also think she has some of the BEST dances overall in a loop. Her couch duet with Banquo is one of my absolute favorites. Even if I don’t intend to follow Sexy witch for a full loop, I will almost always watch that dance. It’s beautiful and usually not super crowded 1st loop. Her duet with Fulton is amazing. Her duet with Speakeasy is amazing. Her bartop solo is amazing. Then you also get to see a lot of the major scenes, witches 1, ballroom, banquet, and the rave.

The fact that Kelly Todd was in the role was a no-brainer on how to start my night. I am so glad Kelly is back in the hotel. I have so much respect and admiration for her dancing and acting. She was clearly having a GREAT time that night. Audibly laughing her way up the back staircase and at points during the Banquo duet. During witches 1 when they are all by the hotel desk, Sexy leans back and extends her arms across the desk. I was standing behind another girl near the lights and guestbook. As she leaned back she smiled at the girl and whispered “Hi” before returning to the choreography. It was one of those small moments that was amazing to watch. I doubt many people even caught it. Ugh! Have I said how pleased I am that we all get to watch Kelly’s amazing performances again! After she wrapped her Speakeasy duet, she was off to high street before she stopped abruptly outside Malcolm’s office and took my hand. The phone rang and I was given a stern warning. After I hung up, she looked in my eyes for several seconds before taking my face in her hands and giving me a soft kiss on my mask. Then she was gone.

I am glad I afforded myself a loop of fun and flirtiness before I decided to head up to five because that is where I spent much of the remainder of my show. I did a bit of wandering and set admiring and wallowing. I watched the Matron for about an hour because I arrived toward the end of the chalking scene. I watched Stephanie Jean Lane do a lot of reading and writing. I think I saw her give 5 1:1′s. I watched the mirror dance which is about the point that my emotional stability started to crumble. I spent a lot of time outside the hut with my thoughts and feelings.

By the last time she opened the window before the next chalking scene, I had been there about 50 minutes or so which I didn’t know because it is impossible to keep track of time in the forest. She looked out into the forest and then looked down at me. She stared at me for several moments then reached her hand out the window to me. I took her hand as she continued to stare then she squeezed my hand and gave me a small, sad smile. This is not an interaction I had ever seen a Matron do so when she let go of my hand and started to fuss with her furniture I realized that I had been there a full loop and it was likely chalking time again. It then dawned on me that this was probably the international Sleep No More sign for “I see you, Iknow you are there, don’t go anywhere”. Sure enough, she locked up her hut and was off into the woods. It was a very slow walk. I think it always is but it seemed slower somehow. By the time we got to the chalkboard, there were silent tears running down my face. We had reached the emotional point of no return.

The 5th floor has always been a place that has attracted me. I don’t remember much of my first show. They tend to be a blur for most people. One thing I do remember is doing a lot of set exploration. It’s hard not to get drawn into the elaborate sets the designers have built. I ended up on the 5th floor, probably around the area with the laundry and I got really scared and nervous. The setting was too real and immersive and I remember getting a bit panicked and really wanting to leave the floor. It seems now so easy to navigate. The doors are on either end but I imagine I went from that middle area across to the room with the tubs. I saw the forest and (luckily) didn’t know how to get in. I went through the area with the beds. I didn’t realize there was a staircase around the corner and I think I eventually found my way back to the long hallway that leads to the stairs. I think it took me two shows after that to set foot on the floor again.

As I reflected back later on why that floor gave me such strong emotions, I connected it to a fear of hospitals and especially psychiatric wards. My last memory (which I am 90% sure is a real memory) of my aunt was going to visit her when she was committed to a psychiatric ward in the 1980′s. We went as a family. it was a nice day. We had a nice lunch with her. I was happy to see her. I was 5 and she lived with my family for a while when I was a kid. I remember the waiting area when we got there though and that was, in my kid memory, a very sterile, cold place. That was the summer or fall before my 6th birthday and the last time I ever saw my aunt. I later learned that she suffered from Schizophrenia and on my 6th birthday, while committed to a psychiatric ward, she hung herself. I don’t think it was a coincidence. I also don’t think it was my fault but it took me a long time to get there. When you are six, you can’t understand mental illness or the way it may impact someone’s perception of reality but it still affects me to this day.

Walking through those woods I felt that loss. I knew what was coming. The phrase “Who will hang them why the honest men” is ” is often assumed to be a question followed by a question. Who will hang them? Why the honest men? If you look at Macbeth, the quote comes from the text. It is a scene between Lady Macduff and her son. The son asks if his father was a traitor and Lady Macduff answers that he was and traitors must be hung. The son asks her, “Who must hang them?” and she replies, “Why the honest men.” The son then replies that if most men are liars and therefore traitors, they are also fools because they clearly outnumber the honest men so they would be fools to let themselves be hung. I’m not sure what exactly it is that resonates with me about those lines in relation to the story. Perhaps it’s the reality that we are all flawed, traitors at times. Perhaps it’s the fact of the matter that a child is quizzing his mother about his father’s flaws. Perhaps it’s the subject of death and hanging in general. Probably it’s a combination of them all with the additional layer of the Matron being an isolated (often sad) character that I relate to.

Needless to say, I am watching that scene with countless other audience members standing within arm’s length silently crying an overprocessing. We get back to the hut and the scene unfolds leaving a despondent looking Matron standing in the doorway looking out. She reached around another audience member to pull me in for tea time. God bless Stephanie Jean Lane. I often wonder what performers are thinking when people do odd things in the show and I have spent enough time creeping through the hole in the Matron’s hut to know, definitively, that crying during the 1:1 is not normal. God bless her for not flinching when I was on the verge of ugly crying. I am not a cryer. I don’t really cry in public for sure. I never cry in front of strangers. I have had a few moments in Sleep No More where I have been moved to a tear or two. I had one weird moment where Kae though it was Virginia’s Matron crying during the finale when I got her walk-out but it was me sobbing over how much I was going to miss the show going into our parenting stage of life. Then there is my birthday where I generally cry a bit but by myself in the set. NOT IN A 1:1. She was lovely. If I freaked her out, she didn’t show it.

I finished my ugly cry in the woods before returning to the bar to get a drink and regroup for a moment. It was the 3rd loop so I decided to go back in for the final 25 minutes. I briefly considered finishing the show with Lady Macduff then decided I really didn’t need to do that to myself so I decided to head back to the place I resonated with. If I want a walk-out, I usually want it to be with a character/actor that I spent a substantial amount of time with. It always makes it mean a bit more when you can really thank a performer for their performance. This show, that was obviously Matron. I was hoping I didn’t totally come off as a psychopath and that Stephanie would pick me for the walk-out. Could go either way! I knew I had to hustle to make it to the upper floors seeing as how they close first so I hurried to the concrete stairs. Already closed off. So I hustled back through the Manderley, through the lobby, and up the stairs to 3. Success! I cut across the floor and almost ran straight into the Nurse and Matron who were just entering the 3rd floor. I watched them solemnly tidy up the Macbeth’s quarters and then Matron came over and took my hand. We got to the mezzanine and it was so crowded that after about 3 attempts, Stephanie just ended up positioning me behind another girl who was short. It was the ending to the night I needed.

Hope that answered your question and thanks for the question that basically forced me to write a recap! Hahaha!!!