#i just often find it condescending seeing ppl make it and then tell everyone else they're just not doing a good enough job of being positiv

[official-lucifers-child]

This is kinda random but like. I’m genderfluid. And even when I’m apathetic to or rarely feel like my agab, I still can’t stand when my family refer to me as the wrong pronouns. I’ve come out to my family, they knOW I’m genderfluid, but they still see me as a girl, no matter what I do. I don’t tell them when my pronouns change, bcus I’m pretty okay with they/them most of the time if not all the time, and I know you gotta take things slow with The Cis. That sounds rlly condescending but it has taken them months of knowing I use they/them and they still haven’t switched to it. I don’t think they could deal with switching between multiple sets consistently. They only correct themselves for a couple sentences and only when I correct them first. They introduce me as a girl and refer to me as a girl and lump me in with girls and only stop for like a little while when I’ve specifically told them to. Ik it seems complainy, but it just sucks. They see me as a girl. I know it. Some of them don’t even TRY. My nana knows damn well I use they/them and she doesn’t even pretend to care. The only one who’s doing good at it is my sister, who is the real mvp love her. Everyone else though just can’t really seem to do it. My mom says she’s trying, but it doesn’t feel like it when she refers to me like she would a girl more often than not. Ik it can take time for some ppl, but they’ve known for months. I changed my name and they switched no problem. I KNOW they can switch things. They can mistake a dog for a girl and when they find out it’s a boy they never misgender it again. They can change names at the drop of a hat. Why can’t they just use they/them for me? I know it sounds whiny, and I’m sorry, it just bothers me. My mom has bought me some pride stuff, and talks about how much she accepts me, but it doesn’t feel like it. I know that’s mean, and I’m trying to give them time, but every time I talk to them I’m called a girl a million times and referred to like an enby like once. I’m lucky to get this when so many don’t even get this acceptance, but it feels less like acceptance and more like toleration. I don’t know what to really do. I’ve tried to help them by giving them tips for switching with pronouns and examples and everything, but they just see me as a girl. They do it automatically, for hours and days on end, before they correct it like once and then repeat. I almost wish I hadn’t come out. It somehow hurts worse when they KNOW. They know I’m not a girl. But they don’t believe it. It hurts worse when they call me a girl because I feel like no matter what I do or say I can’t change it. They know who I am and who I want to be. But they call me a girl anyways. And it just hurts, man.

keep correcting them. do not allow them to go days, weeks, months with the wrong pronouns. they will not ever change or get used to your correct pronouns if you allow them to be wrong for that long. constantly correct them. if someone says “my daughter”, correct them. “she’s over there” correct them. do not let them be comfortable with using the wrong pronouns and terms for you. make them feel uncomfortable, make them EXPECT for you to correct them, so eventually they think before they speak and don’t misgender you.

let them know how much it hurts you. make sure they know that it doesn’t feel like they even care. make them know how hard it is for you. make them know you don’t think they’re trying.

do not give them any room for “comfort”, not until they correctly gender you.

[leearosa]

DAY 105

i miss the freedom. when i’m in nj, i’m caged and shut down. i don’t even know how i came to be like that. it’s just like somewhere along the way while living in nj for about 18 years, i became small and chained down. then the summer of 2016 happened. i went to a place where i could be myself. isn’t that crazy?! for so long i’ve been living as someone else but it wasn’t me.. and then after 18 freaking years i was set free by being sent into one specific place far away and i tasted the joy of freedom. just the thought of how f***n crazy that is… how the change from one state to another could be so drastic. how during that summer i started to see glimpses of my true self. for the first time in my life… isn’t that ridiculous? in georgia, i wasn’t some stupid laughing stock that just played it off because i was “cool with it”. yes, like always, most ppl in georgia did make fun of me a lot. but it was different. it wasn’t condescending. it wasn’t mockery. it wasn’t disrespect. it wasn’t anything that held me down or scarred me. i was made fun of because they said i was “easy to get along with and someone special that stood out.” i was someone “whose presence brought joy to the whole group”. i was someone who “attracted people that are often closed off and cold hearted”. that’s who God made me to be… but God, why am i living in a place where there’s none of that? in a place where i want to cut off all connection. in a place where my eyes have a hard time seeing hope. what’s Your reason? i guess it makes the true freedom that much more special. God, i’m sure You have many other reasons.. but i’m stuck. i went back to school after the summer refreshed and free and i thought i could pour out onto others. i thought it was possible. i tried to seek You through it all. but God, i’m left bitter and angry again. there’s a truth in my heart that i don’t like to say out loud. it sounds immature, selfish and narrow-minded. and i probably am, but you already know my heart and honestly i can’t help what i feel. so.. yeah. i hate this place i’m in. i don’t know if it’s the north or i don’t know if it’s my school. or i don’t know if it’s my specific friend group and community. but i really don’t know if i care anymore. just like sodom and gomorrah was destroyed, i just want it to end and i want to walk away. i’m sick of all the pharisees blabbering. i’m sick of all the stupid distractions. just shut up and get over your damn selves. i’m sick of finding myself becoming like them. i catch myself becoming like them and i start to hate myself. God, show me… do you have bigger plans that my ignorance can’t see? show me your plans.. if you are going to destroy the place, tell me to drop it and leave… or tell me to do what you want me to do and tell me that i can leave soon. the past year, i’ve been trying to see this in a positive light, but this is way too extreme. the story of sodom and gomorrah keeps showing up in my QTs and p.e. first mentioned it a year ago. i doubted it thinking that it was a bit extreme, but i’m starting to really believe it’s over in this place. i hope not but God, whatever the truth is, reveal it to me so that i may follow Your word.

anyways, my point is that i’m suppressed and i can’t do anything. i have a lot of joy that i want to share, but i can’t because that joy is gone again. i have a lot of ideas to grow as brothers and sisters, but i can’t because i can’t really find people that are on board. i want to grow and become more like Christ, but i can’t because my anger and bitterness keeps growing. i want to fix my eyes on God, but i can’t because i’m fearful and i can’t move. my vision is blurred and my ignorance is expanding.

i remember when i was in georgia, one of the first things people constantly kept saying to me was “it’s so weird how well you fit in with us. it’s as if you were always here.” i took it with a grain of salt. they’re probably being nice and it’s probably just because this place is very open and unified. then God started to show me that’s not exactly what they meant. after i was new to the church/community, a few other new people came, and it wasn’t the same as when i came. i started to see the gift God planted in me. the gift of unifying people and bringing rich joy and laughter. i thought the church was pretty unified already, but it turns out that wasn’t what i was seeing. the people around me really let me know that i unified people that have never really talked before. the few “colder” people in the community would show interest (not in that way lol) in me when they usually don’t open up to anyone. JS?! i didn’t even know he was distant from the church/community until people told me because he was so nice and friendly to me. even to this day, he reaches out to me here and there. he freaking gave me a birthday present. he drove me multiple times to the airport… he’s not one to do that.. apparently.

also p.dan told me before i left that he usually doesn’t like it when people stay over his place for long periods of time, but he said for me it’s okay. he said he’s gonna miss me and that i’m always welcome to come back.. he even sternly and 100% seriously tried to convince me to move in GA. he said that i have a gift of making people happy and comfortable. he said that he thinks i’m a person that would be liked by most people anywhere i go. and a few times he told me that he usually doesn’t troll or joke around with people, but for some reason when he sees me, he just wants to make fun of me and joke…. wow i was so touched by everything he said because i especially know he doesn’t just say things for the hell of it.. you know what, i’ve accepted the fact that wherever i go, literally almost everyone will make fun of me. it’s totally fine in georgia. i’m honestly so glad people can laugh and feel comfortable around me. like, thank the Lord that people become UNIFIED through that. but in nj it’s a ffffin problem to the community and to me. i think everyone fails to realize that yeah i don’t really get offended at one or two jokes. like i’m originally not a sensitive person, but when you walk around and everyone jokes about you like you’re a stupid kid with no feelings, it ruins you. i have a hard time remembering that my existence is not a joke. when everyone treats you a certain way, it’s hard not to believe it.

there’s p.e., who really values me and loves me and takes care of me so much and i really see that. p.dan, someone who usually doesn’t, has said so many genuine and nice things to me. hansol became one of my best friends after a few months of meeting each other. she freaking pursued me. she actually thought i was cool and tried hard to become my friend. who would’ve thought anyone would pursue me. i made so many good memories with 2 of my loving unnis carol and cindy. they opened up about really vulnerable stuff that only their best friends know about.. what?? that requires a lot of trust. cindy threw me a birthday surprise and got me gifts. life group got me more gifts. they actually got me a curry shirt because i was fanning during the 2016 finals. literally everyone bought me food at least once. who does that? who buys so many things for someone cold and closed off.. someone they just met a month ago..? when i was leaving GA, i got so many goodbye gifts… ??? who does that?!? i’m still good friends with d ahn. he teaches me a lot about nba. we keep in touch a lot. picked me up from the airport. bought me food. and so much more…. so many oppas that are nice to me. so many unnis that i really really look up to.

even though i was so cold to everyone at first, they welcomed me and loved on me. God’s grace… my goodness… nobody can ever understand the uncommon amount of love i received… like i was sooo loved like never before..

when i first started to grasp this concept of everything people were saying to me, i felt uncomfortable, i’m not used to hearing such good news and compliments. but in the midst of the burden of awkwardly accepting the love, i started to heal and i started to understand and find my identity.

i don’t think i’ll really share this in front of other people because it just comes off weird. sounds like bragging and it must sound weird. rather than blowing up pride, i think just remembering the impact of my presence in GA strengthens me and reminds me that God worked through me and that i am not useless.

my last sunday in GA, i was brought up to be prayed for. aight i hate crying in front of people, but that day, i was sobbing in front of like a hundred people. i was so embarrassed and ugly. i miss them so much.. everyone.. even the people i barely talked to. i miss them so much it’s not funny…. but here i am, back to stone-hearted anna…

sigh. well anyways, this post is definitely unorganized and messy because there’s way too much that’s just running through my mind, but the reason i’m even writing this is because i’m starting to become numb and forget. i want to fight to remember the miracles you’ve given me, God. there is always hope. thank You so much for georgia.. my heart is heavy. heal me Lord. renew my mind. humble me.