#i just love with dnd we arent limited

[captainofswisscheese]

Something I think a lot of people forget in regards to immortality and DND when it comes to Astarion is that, vamperism is not the only way people become immortal. In fact, a lot of classes in DND are or essentially are immortal by level 20. Some will age some won't. But for you Halsin and blood weave shippers, just know that between the implied adventuring they do after (thanks to Astarions spawn dialogue at Wither's party) and the chosen classes, they likely end up a level twenty character. Meaning Astarion has a good chance of not dying alone or being alone.

Not to mention there is this very beautiful spell called the wish spell, which would essentially allow any spell caster to just use the cloning hack and essentially body jump, or any other appropriate ninth level spell. And if you have a fighter, someone can use the wish spell on them. And there are some planes of existence that aging is weird. And there are probably several other species and class features I'm probably forgetting

And we know that in BG3, 1. Jaheira debates a spell that would make her immortal - you can find the spell in her little hideout, meaning she has literal access to it, as would any older/experienced druid. 2. That weird lil elephant man? With the wing ears who I can't remember his name because I'm half awake? He's related to angels and his whole race is weird about aging. And of course the demigod that we fight along side with the big beautiful wings? She's immortal. There are tons of ways you can be beyond becoming an avatar of death, some even in the game and can be applied to other players. Not to mention the astral sea which again does some weird stuff to age if memory serves.

So if you ever just want to have comfort in your head about Astarion, remember, if they wanted to there are ways they could stay together if you wanted. They just need powerful magic, which with their track record is completely plausible if you want it to be.

((also if you are a super dorky person like me and love necromancy, liches! Which you'd probably be borrowing from grim hallow at that point but like... The game only shows up to lvl 12 and it's just for fun in your head so why not?))

Point is, if you want some basic comfort or basic ideas for art or ff on how our beloved little spawn can sleep well (or rather transe well) in the day, there are plenty of ways to play around with immortality for the lovely couple. Which I think could make for some cool stories. Maybe it's how do they get to essentially lvl 20? Or another magic that lets them? Do they break up and come back together? Open relationship after thousands of years? Hell you could even put them in settings further in time and have them have lil immortal adventures. The possibilities are endless which is what I love about DND as DND based things.

[elisacaleisa]

I wrote this in my discord server and then posted on twitter. Time to annoy here as well, HEEHOO!

Jax's Personality Swap AU!

DAMN PIPELINE: Kody > Huxley > Gavin > Damien > Lasko > Kody

NOTE: Since this is a personality swap, these characters are gonna be out of character, but Huxley will still remained as a supporting character, while Kody is still not (only personality change, not roles)! Typing this just to avoid confusion!

Damien > Lasko:

Tired Air Elemental:

- he is tired

- looks older than he actually is, its the wrinkles and white hair

- bro doesnt sleep

- not really mean, he just sounds really monotone and had the same expression

- "you all are idiots, why do i hang out with you"

- "you have 99/100. you can do it next time"

- he has trust issues and has hard time opening up

- he means well when you get to know him

- "i try to push you to your limits, because i believe you can surpass them... i'm sorry, i didnt mean to break your boundaries"

- still a dnd nerd but more of a dungeon master with ton of research for his homebrew campaign

——————

Gavin > Damien:

Daring Fire Elemental:

- more of a risk taker in a rebellious bad boy way? Outside of the academy

- night walks

- "are you lost, precious?"

- smiles all the time in a warm way

- "well, look at you, what a snack. are you cold? i can warm you up."

- very smart but doubts himself

- awkward with physical contact

- tries to be seen as overly attractive and an attention seeker to hide his emotional vulnerability

- he and his mom kinda argue so he left,,, whoops

- "arent you a doll, freelancer. heh... alright, we will hug. maybe even kiss?"

——————

Kody > Huxley:

Distant Earth Elemental:

- is not very friendly in the beginning

- trust issues! My favorite /j

- he can be a meanie :(

- "why do we keep bumping into each other?"

- freelancer does not give up

- "i can take care of myself, i am not that stupid" he sounded hurt...

- he misses his moms,,,

- he wants to fit in, but since people think he is stupid because he is an earth elemental, he decided to do the opposite and be alone by himself

- the only friend he had was Lasko but they fought they last time they saw each other

- "you actually like me, didnt you? what am i doing, why do i wanna hurt you so bad? im supposed to be your friend" - spinel from steven universe the movie

——————

Huxley > Gavin:

Oblivious Incubus:

- he is so lonely

- his only friend was Caelum, who is kinda a spoiled brat but nice only to Gav (slowly to FL)

- FL comes up

- "youre so pretty..."

- shit he said that out loud

- PANIC

- "ISAIDWELCOMEMYNAMEISGAVIN-"

- very friendly

- poor orientation skills. he has to walk with freelancer to get them to the academy

- loves physical touch

- gives fl a keychain for free!

- the keychain says big gulp. FL giggles

- "huh? Whats so funny?" ... "oh... Ohhh haha! Haha, i didnt even realize! Youre so smart"

——————

Lasko > Kody

Bashful Water Elemental:

- he is so innocent!

- he is trying to be helpful

- "a-are you okay?"

- freelancer says its okay

- "i struggle with my powers, i-im so sorry"

- kody is following them.... ok?

- kody, personal space pls

- he is trying to also help freelancer, since he knows the struggle of being useless

- kody is being very pushy...

- "well, in this book, it says that we should bridge if we want to maximize our potential in our elemental. w-what do you say?"

- kody is a creep again GOD DAMMIT!

[jerreeeeeee]

i also read the suffering game graphic novel. here's praises and criticisms. this one is also more negatives than positives unfortunately, i tried to be fair and thoughtful but i did not like it very much

things i liked:

-lucretia prologue establishing that she went to wonderland + talking abt missing the crew. fun & mysterious

-hi mavis and mookie :) they are cute

-HI BARRY sometimes i forget he stalked merle’s family outing. i love that freak

-magnus and angus scene!! fisher showing angus the statue drawing!! ango detective subplot!! this is a nice and natural addition since we know he was sleuthing around the BOB

-merle teasing taako about his date is kinda cute actually love seeing them be friends

-thank god they got rid of the chimera. idk if this is a hot take or anything but its probably my least favorite fight in the podcast its so out of place and unnecessary. there are lots of fights that didnt really matter in the beginning like all the gerblins and the slime swamp in rockport but they were still like getting their bearings and the show was more like a real dnd campaign than a typical actual play, but by the time you get to the suffering game there’s more interesting things to do and you're like god why are we still doing random forest encounters just get to wonderland already

-not a positive per se but i’m not that upset about sterling and his party being cut. i feel like an adaptation would’ve had an opportunity to make that little c-plot matter more, and that would’ve been awesome, but as is in the podcast, i never felt particularly strongly about it? not enough to miss it. idk like magnus and merle were already for ‘trust’ even if it were strangers and taako never seems all that regretful about it (which like. fair. he’s the pragmatist and that’s how the prisoner’s dilemma works. he played the game right because he couldn’t afford to lose, knowing they hurt some slightly-less-strangers doesn’t really change that).

-i dont remember which of the boys discovered it in the podcast but merle noticing the smoke thing is good. he actually is competent and especially in an arc that’s meant to make him feel useless that’s a good little reminder

-i do like that the liches say the bell is very powerful & is threatening to destroy them like both keeping in theme with the rest of the relics and an introduction to the idea that sharing an incredible and dangerous power between two people makes it easier to keep your sanity, similar to lichdom

-griffin getting cut off with the hunger is awesome finally we’re taking advantage of the medium. nothing more to say that choice rules

-posts on tumblr hyped me up for taako recognizing barry’s dick but unfortunately that’s not really what happened and now i’m disappointed. but the graphic novels arent canon so i’ll just have to continue with my barry/taako awkward past one night stand agenda despite it all

-i dont quite know how to feel about the umbrastaff leaping to barry to replace the “love barry, trust barry” moment. on the one hand, having lup actually speak to taako wouldn’t work super well in graphic novel form, not to mention the whole band of projected thought thing was kinda convoluted and they are clearly very limited on time, and taako choosing to trust the umbrastaff in this way is a creative way to get that same effect. on the other hand, its so unclear what even happened or why it changes taako’s mind without podcast context. that’s one of my big gripes, you’re expected to be familiar with the story already, but if you’re familiar with the story, the graphic novels are… worse in every way. also, i really really liked the original scene so even though it doesn’t work, i miss it. this isn’t as effective—we don’t find out there’s a person missing from taako’s memory, his heart doesn't swell at the sound of her voice, he doesn’t know with certainty that she’s someone dear to him. it's just like, another instance of the umbrastaff acting weird. maybe you put together that 'LUP' is a person but you don't have any indication until the moment of remembering how important she is. all of that would be really difficult to get across in a visual medium anyway, but still, yknow, it doesn’t hit as hard.

-ango!! his mage hand is coming along so well!! although. why is his wand just like a stick. did he pick it up off the ground. taako needs to take better care of his boy this reflects badly on him as a teacher lmao

-i felt this way about the eleventh hour too but there’s so many little details of taako and merle’s friendship i feel like they have little asides and jokes together a lot and i love that

-the looming dread of the hunger is done pretty well (as well as it can be with such time restraints)

-merle trying to commune with pan and seeing john instead is good. very ominous and intriguing for new readers and exciting for podcast listeners

-really liked the panel of barry in the red robe against the stars and the bond engine’s white ring as he’s remembering. very cool very cinematic

-i actually also really like the framing as taako remembers, filling in the memories we’d seen previously and clearing out the static while he looks so broken, and merle asking him what he’s remembering, and then finally speaking his sister’s name. its framed very powerfully. i wish he and lup didn’t look awful so i could actually feel something at that part. like they are my favorite characters ever their story makes me so emotional and i just. they’re unrecognizable. the character designs are terrible and taako has spent 6 books now being mischaracterized and flattened to hell so i just can’t muster any emotion. maybe i'll redraw that page someday though because the panelling is genuinely very good

-the ending lucretia monologue is good she's the narrator she's the main character she's everything. love the portraits staticking out and mirroring and changing, and ending on the beach painting is great. very cinematic and a natural way to phase into the stolen century

things i didn’t like:

-i dont think taako’s deepest desire is his own brand of fashion forward athleisure wear if i’m being quite honest. these little things irk me

-why is liches get stitches all the way in the beginning… ill portent for how the rest of this book will go

-i think they shouldve introduced the flaming raging poisoning sword of doom way earlier. the payoff isnt nearly as good without the setup of having been magnus’ white whale for like fifty episodes. maybe they did mention it in earlier books and i just forgot though

-^ i hate his stupid ugly oversexualized stereotyped ass so fucking much its unreal

-why are edward and lydia ugly :( —(they're not ugly because they're chubby they're ugly because their color schemes and outfits are fucking awful) (fr though why are all their colors so muted and dingy?? why are their outfits boring?? at least their heart attack looks are fun)

-oh so there’s just no trust or forsake at all. yeah i don’t like that. in the end no great loss since i don't think it really says anything about thb's characters that hasn't already been said, but so much of thb's characters and arcs have been cut from the gns already

-i get that they’re low on time trying to fit in reunion tour but like come on part of the suffering of the suffering game is how long and painful it is cutting it down really just. makes it not matter as much

-magnus looks no different after aging LMAO he gets like 2 gray hairs and that’s it

-edward and lydia’s lich forms are also boring unfortunately

-no tasha’s hideous laughter on the heart attack mannequin? lame. although i have for the first time realized that dnd shows kinda have a thing for characters uninterested in romance being forced by mysterious powers to be haunted by creepy puppet-like “romance partners” huh

-magnus doesn’t forget kalen?? why cut that out? i guess because there was never closure for it in the original story?

-no boss rush?? that was fun :(

-magnus and taako aren’t surprised merle has kids??? did they know???

-dupree looks terrible but i guess props to carey for giving him feathers even though it looks bad

-just axed the liches’ backstory?? that was kind of important?? the fact that they turned to necromancy out of love for their family & powered themselves with positive emotions too? that like, has relevance later…

-NO BAD LUCK FOR ARMS OUTSTRETCHED? COME ON

-the framing of magnus’ soul being removed is so anticlimactic in general like the POINT of a VISUAL adaptation is to have interesting & cinematic VISUALS its just so messy

-all of arms outstretched didnt look very good in general sorry. its just such a big important moment and to make it so mid… a tragedy

-“i guess we still needed each other after all” doesnt work anymore because they removed all of edward and lydia’s backstory and character but it was an interesting line to me that i wish had been kept. hammering in that liches need anchors is, again, pretty relevant later on, getting rid of that foreshadowing sucks, and it also humanizes these villains in an interesting way that really highlights their powerlust as their downfall rather than just, like, cruelty for evil’s sake. like yes they torture people and find it fun because they’re so distanced from their own humanity but they also truly believed it was necessary for their own safety and seemingly only became sadistic after they desensitized themselves. i wrote a post about this a while ago but idk if i’ll ever post it

-not a fan of barry killing lydia either. idk why, its not like he hasn’t killed other people to protect the boys before. but that’s earlier in the show before we know he’s not just a villain and is in fact meant to introduce him as a villain. now he’s a friend so idk if you can just go back to having him murder people? again its not a wrong choice but it feels like messy storytelling. also like i think seeing a lich grieving her anchor and a sister grieving her brother would pull some heartstrings for him. it would maybe remind him of some people he loves and garner some sympathy and give him some pause. and i liked that in the podcast even though lydia was so distanced from the idea of positive anchors, killing edward just immediately undoes her, fits in with the themes and the way we understand liches to work, another powerful example of what bonds can do, and that's kinda lost here

-magnus’ answer to the bell sucks so badddd lmao when these books NEED context they’re devoid of it but when they actually have the necessary plot points/character arc established for the reader to put something together they have to go and spell it out like the audience is stupid. there was something so raw and powerful about magnus’ original “i’d hate it. shut the fuck up.” like just shutting it down and not even considering it. that’s completely lost when he has to be like “recap time! my wife, julia,” eugh just didnt like that. there are so many powerful lines from balance that i don’t hate on principal that they’ve changed, but there was no good reason to change, and so the new version just falls flat and there was no reason not to include the original lines verbatim? i get not wanting to just deliver a podcast highlight reel and have the gns be their own story or w/e but if you’re gonna do that you have to do it well, and they just keep being worse unfortunately

-they don’t get the chance to go off the grid themselves and choose to trust barry?? come the fuck ON that is IMPORTANT to the STORY

-this may or may not be an unpopular opinion but i’m not a fan of barry’s design either. i don’t like the hair and he’s not fat enough. less egregious than others but its still another instance of being like who tf is that

-barry’s little coin monologue was kinda fun and dramatic and i (finally) liked the visuals of him falling from the sky/silhouette of the starblaster against faerun’s single sun. but i wish they’d kept more of the original. add drama that’s fine but the point of it is to humanize him after we’ve spent so long thinking of him as a villain and a ghost and a force of the story and now it turns out he’s barry bluejeans. he’s just a guy. he loves his mom. he’s allergic to dairy. he’s afraid of the dark.

-especially not a fan of cutting out the “love that defined and redeemed you” and “dull weight in your chest” in barry’s coin monologue. those are important parts of his character. whether you interpret the love and the weight to be for lup or for the whole crew, you need to know that the red robe has lost people, and that everything he does is to try to get them back. he’s the lover and he’s grief personified. his mission is to save the world AND recover his family. thats like. kinda important for his character and role in the story. if you ask me.

-again the “we’ll get em next time” magnus flashback is not BAD but it could’ve looked so much better? carey definitely has strengths as an artist but her fight scenes and character design tends to be very weak so its unfortunate that this is an adaptation of a dnd podcast where those 2 things are like, the most important. idk i feel like i should be articulating what i mean better but i’m not sure how. the fights just are often really cluttered and framed in an odd way that doesn’t look very good or dramatic or dynamic. i don’t want to say carey is a bad artist, i really don’t think she is! but i think she was not the right artist for this project. the magic of a visual medium is, well. the visuals. when they’re mid the whole story suffers.

-taako and merle not just saying magnus is dead is sorta unnecessarily confusing since everyone like assumes he’s dead anyway? idk i don’t understand that choice. kinda fucks with his moment with carey. not a big deal in the end but it does seem unnecessary

-MAGNUS DOESN’T GO SEE FISHER?? the mannequin dies in fantasy costco??? what about johann???

-“you stole half of my fucking heart” i know a lot of people loved this line but it genuinely baffles me. Why Only Half. not only referencing one of the most heartwarming (and heartbreaking) lines in the original show with no context for why its meaningful at all yet—but also minimizing it? why soften that blow? why detract from the raw intensity of that grief? why reduce a very powerful sentiment? an adaptation of balance that doesn’t allow itself to be earnest and wholehearted (ha) about its platonic bonds is not a good adaptation, straight up. maybe its not that deep but it is To Me. maybe it has no real import and i’m just being stupid but like they made that choice to write half instead of just “my heart.” Why, genuinely

-hey what the fuck happened to johann for real though. that was a really important part of the story. hey. hey. what about johann. like are we just ignoring johann. am i insane. how has no one mentioned this. what’s up with johann

-

so all in all, again, rushed pacing, axing of a lot of very important plot points, shoddy visuals.

it did not make me relive the emotional journey of the suffering game and reunion tour. it inspired a vague nostalgia for the first time i experienced reunion tour, reminded me of how much i love the original show, and made me want to listen to the podcast again. especially reunion tour good god i love reunion tour. and it made me desperately wish for a good adaptation. i would do fucking anything for a good adaptation. the longing is making me sick. at least we always have podcast reunion tour.

the graphic novels are just so empty and soulless compared to the original show. i wouldn’t have an issue with changes, except that the changes, at every turn, gut the emotional core of the story that makes it so special, and ruin the strong themes throughout the story. they fundamentally misunderstand what is so good about balance. and also, like, basic storytelling. they’re poorly designed and poorly written, so they don’t even stand on their own as a different story. i'm not expecting an exact replica, but i am expecting good writing, good changes when necessary, and respect for the original beloved story. without those, the soul is gone, the spark of what makes balance so compelling and emotional.

i am dreading the story and song graphic novel. i don’t think it will be any good. the themes and character arcs and plot of the show have been mangled beyond belief so nothing is really meaningful anymore. can we go back to the johann thing for a moment—

[annonniiiiieeeee]

I think one of my question just got eathen by tumblr-

Anyways how or what are going to be the kids nimpos? like example Kaida has fire- /imagine the chaos of that/ or smt like that when do their nimpos unlock? ect. /u dont have to answer complety but im curius since you know Ume and Sakura arent related to the Hamatos even tho it isnt neseceraly to be biological but since they are from Usagi word/

.... Now i have a mental image of Kaida nimpo being fire- and boy aint pretty hjshdjkshdjshdsjhdsk

Sorry friend I’m behind something g force with my responses. I’ll get to them all but life is crazy right now.

All the Hamato clan members get nimpos. It is the power of the families love for one another. Bio kids and adopted kids all get powers (even in-laws might get power) as long as the clan accepts you your good.

I am still planing some of the powers out for characters. I know the twins for sure.

Sakura

Her nimpo is a pastel pink

Her’s is based of of the spells sunbeam or sunburst in dnd with my own flare.

She glows. As she gets control she can determine the brightness and also manipulate other light sources.

When she is young they are blinding flashes of light that blinds the people around her.

She learns how to control her glow. She can limit it to certain parts of her body (glowing eyes) and she will act as a walking glow stick in dark areas.

Later she learns how to manipulate other light sources, such as fire embers into dancing shapes. Sparkles of light dancing around. She used this to enhance dance performances but also to distract enemies.

She thought it was a little lame when she was younger but grew to really love her power. She plays with light all the time bending the shape and creating colors.

It will be fun to play with this as both a combats power and a defensive power.

Ume

Her nimpo is a pastel orange

She actually has two abilities.

The fist is invisibility. This makes her the opposite of her twin. Where Sakura glows Ume disappears. I think she often feels in her out going twins shadow and their powers show that dynamic.

Eventually Ume comes into her own. Her ability is super helpful on missions and Sakura often used her light to distract from where her twin is.

The second power is astral projection. Her spirit appears as a pastel orange version of her. She can move around unknoticed at first but as she gets more practice her projection can have a caporal form as well.

She is the spy of the group.

Jotaro and Kaida

I am still debating these two.

You suggested fire for Kaida but I already have some fire plans for someone else.

But it did make me think of ice and fire for them but as stated I have fire planed for someone else.

I will let you know when I have the two of them figured out.

(Though Kaida with fire reminds me of a dnd campaign I did with my friends. I got chese/blessed with fire powers. I tried to make a flame in my palm to light up a cave for my companions but I failed the roll and set myself on fire. My dm tried to give me damage and I argued back that I was Tiefling and was fire resistant. They agreed that I took no damage and oh boy was that a mistake. I lit myself on fire all the time from then on. We need light? I’m on fire. We need to intimidate an enemy? Fire. Poor sales man doesn’t discount items? I set myself on fire and threaten to burn down the store. Needless to say fire abilities and me do not mix well.)

[voidimp]

im embarrassed to say but i dont know what kind of setting oli and cameron are in. is it like dnd or modern times? are vampires and necromancers publicly known or a secret?

OKAY SO

technically they belong to a few different settings, one of them is modern but i dont do much w that one anymore, theres the games they originally came from (oli was my first character in sunless sea & cameron was from a game of blades in the dark that never really made it off the ground), sometimes other miscellaneous things. BUT we are not here to talk about those. we are here to talk about lor.

if youve seen any of my posts about some kind of victorian cyberpunk nonsense, thats lor. (if you havent, dw, i dont mention it super frequently.) its not The Most Accurate description, but it gets the point across well enough — basically a cyberpunk setting with a victorian(ish) aesthetic. i say "ish" bc like... really the architecture is where its the most accurate, but even thats a little loose. in terms of fashion,

some of it is more edwardian, some of it is like that fake victorian vampire aesthetic, theres some influence from ouji/lolita styles to some degree... and then blend that in with some more typical cyberpunk stuff, from the fashion to the technology to the neon signs... its kind of a weird combination & im still trying to find the right balance with a lot of stuff lmao.

in-universe, lor got its start as a kind of trading hub, since its sort of in the middle of the map in relation to the other continents. the cultures in any given part of the continent have a lot of variance, largely influenced by the cultures of whichever other continent is nearest. the main sort of country (yet unnamed) of the story with cameron & oli mostly takes influence from the us (bc of my personal familiarity) & the uk (bc of the settings they originally came from), but theres still a bit of a mix. id love to get more into developing the rest of the world eventually, but i gotta focus on whats immediately relevant first.

as for vampires, demons, etc... its the kind of thing everyone Knows About but doesnt Talk About. its not a secret that they exist, but its mostly discussed in hushed tones, and people arent gonna just out themselves. theres definitely some prejudice at play against people who are inhuman (or "manufactured" humans, but thats like. a whole separate thing), and secret identities are a pretty big part of the story as a whole. this is actually pretty central to the main city (also yet unnamed lmao), which has a second sort of underground city within it. everyone knows its there, most people frequent it, but theres a sort of unspoken rule that you dont speak about what goes on there. its very common for people to wear disguises, particularly masks. undercuts became a popular hairstyle because someone tying their hair up, in combination with wearing a mask and perhaps a hood or hat, can help to obscure their identity. maybe not to the point of being totally unrecognizable, but at least to the point of causing uncertainty. (this is definitely not bc i just like undercuts & wanted some sort of reason to justify so many characters having them.) even if you do recognize someone, you pretend you dont. of course, sometimes tarnishing your own reputation just a bit can be worth it for the sake of blackmail or rumors... people do love a bit of drama.

magic & such has less of a stigma around it, mostly because it tends to not be very strong. its rare for humans to be capable of magic; its more something people are born with than something they learn, so no like. wizards walking around with spellbooks or anything like that. generally someone capable of magic will have one small thing they specialize in, & while they can hone their skills, theres really not much of a way to learn more. even demons, who are much more in tune with magic, have limits; camerons influence over weather, for example, is fairly weak (since theyre only a half demon), but even their fathers magic doesnt go beyond the scope of weather manipulation. its also harder to prove — are they psychic or are they just observant? did they really infuse that drink with magic or was that just the natural effect of the ingredients? did they actually bring someone back from the dead or— well, that one is best not mentioned.

anyway i think. thats about it for the... basics? maybe this went beyond the basics a bit lmao. i think ive said enough for one ask but if u have any more questions tho feel free to ask!!

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I already wrote this post, but I’m coming backk up to the top to put a cut bc it’s p long.

my brother is singing falsettos out loud & I’ve already had a stressful day bc I’ve done nothing (lack of structure & lack of productivity gives me really bad anxiety) & he’s either singing out of key & out of time, or it just sounds really bad without the music. He’s the only one who can hear the music bc HeadPhones. & also the falsettos is probably really bad for my mom bc she’s mad that dad left her, esp bc the house is a mess & stressing her out & she needs to go grocery shopping & he used to do that “but now he doesn’t because he stopped loving [her]”, so my bro singing fucking falsettos is really bad. I can’t cook supper bc I don’t have a recipe & the stuff is still frozen & idk what kind of dough I should make & besides the kitchen is a mess & he won’t fucking clean it. I mean it’s also partially my fault bc I’m a lazy adhd mofo, but it’s his job today & my job to cook. I need to get into the kitchen & cook before mom & my OTHER brother get home from shopping but I can’t bc he’s just drawing & singing & the singing is so annoying- I was trying to listen to a thing but I couldn’t fricking hear it bc adhd auditory processing disorders, it didn’t have fucking subtitles or anything & it was not great audio quality & I couldn’t differentiate between the words he was singing, & I couldn’t hear the quiet parts when they overlapped with his singing. I wasn’t going to write all of this I was just going to say that his singing makes me want to cut myself, but apparently there’s a lot more to it. also I don’t want to end up cooking while mom is home bc I don’t have any drawings on my arm & mom is fucking nosy & wants to see my scars so I have to work extra hard at hiding them but even with ppl who arent nosy, like my little bro I don’t like them out, but the longer my older bro sits there fucking yelling out of key, the longer I’m delayed & I won’t be able to cook. By this point, I won’t even be able to cook the meal I was planning on, I have so much shit to do I’ve missed so much & I’m so behind, but I’m so incapable of doing anything like i can’t do chores bc I use the excuse I have homework but I never fucking do my homework so I’m also behind in school & even with the stuff I like like dnd & writing & violin I can’t do, & I skipped online kung fu & I’ve been slacking off under so many excuses but I’m just being lazy & anxious & I also gained so much weight & it makes my body feel so bad & i know this isn’t my body’s happy weight & being fat makes my boobs bigger & I’m fucking trans & I hate them I even tried cutting them off myself & ended up waiting 15 hours to go to the hospital so that I wouldn’t make mom suspicious (& they put me through triage really fast bc apparently I did a lot of dammage- I was planning on giving myself stitches, but my icepack melted & I couldn’t numb my body anymore so they’re lucky I even went to the hospital, it was bad bc I had to walk 20 minutes either way weighted down with a fucking toolbox & I waited outside in the cold bc my phone died & thus:) mom found out anyways so I lied to her about going to buy drugs bc obv /that’s/ a better idea than telling her I went to the hospital & SHUT UP UNNAMED OLDER BROTHER ok he’s between songs now. If I told mom I went to the hospital she would ask why & be like “y didn’t u tell me” & “r u cutting urself again” & like yeah bitch I have been for a while ik the social worker said I should tell you a codeword, but I don’t do that bc u blame yourself or cry or want to talk about & I yes I fucking cut myself what of it? Yeah I tried fucking removing my own left breast, bc u arent’ supportive of medical transitioning, at least not when they’re ur kids. Ur mad at dad bc he got a tattoo bc it’s  body modification & thus uncatholic, but u’ll support ur catholic university friends gettin gtheir eldest daughter a reduction bc her boobs are big & painful- bitch what’s so different about me? I went so far as to try giving myself a reduction, you say you’re concerned about me mutilating my body & making bad decisions, but, you know what? because of this I have legitimately mutilated my body, & made a dangerous & bad decision. isn’t autosurgery proof that I need top surgery bc it’s a danger to my life if I don’t get it? The government is able to pay for it I think & bc it’s a danger to my health (& i get pain & I can’t work out & I get back pain & my skin pulls & hurts & if I jump my tissues yank my skin & it hurts & it puts so much strain on my back, & binding gives me pain, so I need a reduction as much as your catholic university friends’ daughter does) I should be abe to qualify. Even if I don’t qualify yet & have to wait two years, at least that would be the start of two years now instead of in a long time, I mean, mum, you say you want me to talk about it & you’re afraid I’m rushing into it? guess what? They are too! the healthcare system will make me do a bunch of shit to qualify, & tbh, I think that they are better qualified to talk to me about surgery & what I really want than you.  Fucking finally, I hope my brother is done his play & finally shuts up. TA MA DE FUCK NO HE’S STARTING AGAIN CROWS DAMN IT CROWS CROWS CROWS & MAGGOTS I”m not even gonna be able to make anythiung for supper & i have no ideas besides the long one which I don’t have time for anymore. fine. whatever. I’ll go SH in my room. I won’t even work on fanfic bc I’m too fucking adhd & broken. I fucking hate it when ppl say “we;re all a bit adhd” like no bitch shut the fuck up, we all struggle with the things adhd ppl struggle with sometimes, but adhd is a neurological condition that makes those struggles so commonplace & intense that it affects our everyday lives. & no. adhd does not mean we’re more creative. Even if we do have more likeliihood of coming up with funky ideas, most of us struggle to articulate them or understand them, or we forget them as soon as they come. you’re not adhd bc you’re a little more creative, youre just an ableist asshole & fuck you. adhd isn’t creativity its’ a fucking disability. I’m directing this at those fucking parents who have the lovely nd daughter who gave me a hug, but you two are motherfuckers. Yeah I get thaat adhd, once you learn how to mannage it, can be useful, & I understand that part of the reason this disability is so hard is bc society isn’t designed for it (like a lefty using right hand scissors), but ot’s still fuxking REAL & if you can’t deal with it yet, it 100% is a disanbility. OK? Ok. I had smth I was going to say earlier, but I got distracted by smth else that made me mad, so I never got around to it. Youo know what I love? I fucking love how tumblr has next to no character limit so I can just type as much as I want. You know what I don’t like? I’ll probably get deactivated by some SJW maggot-eaten crow-fucker who thinks that my rant& mentioning my failed ed & my self harm (oh fuck shut up, my brother is chanting “dumb”) so anyways some fucking sjw fuck-hole will report this post & my blog & I’ll be deactivated for simply getting angry on tumblr. It’s fucking tumblr! You used to be able to say whatever you needed to say! But now, esp us ppl w EDs, have no safe place to talk about our issues (at least, not w/o fear of gettin gterminated for “encouraging” EDs, when we’re just trying to help ourselves). Anywasy, sorry for all the swears & go se, I swear when I’m mad. I’m gonna go do smth, idk what. Can’t be anything productive, Can’t even be unproductive stuff I like, like watching youtubem, or smth cathartic like playing fiddle. I might just go & bleed a bit & ignore everything for a while. I nkow that the world will still be stressful when I get back, & I’ll still have to cook, & I’ll still be behind in school, & mom will still be broken-hearted over dad, but I’m feeling calmer just thinking about it so that’s what I’ll do.