#i have zero recollection of all of this happening last year

[pixeltwix]

-Fiddleford Missing His Family-

To me, one of the most heartbreaking details of Gravity Falls is just..everything McGucket related, but specifically him before he starts even getting his family back after Weirdmageddon

Because he spent the entire series and probably the last thirty years trying to recreate his family

It speaks volumes to me that despite a shunning son and a divorce on his pallet, and zero memory or how any of this even happened, that he’s desperately trying to recreate a life he doesn’t even remember but knows he at least had at one point and wants again

Obviously we know he did have a wife and son, hell he’s introduced as a father first and foremost in the story and I think most people forget that, but through and through he is inherently a family man

I myself struggle to understand this mindset, and most do as well, but some people genuinely want to have a family. Like that’s genuinely their dream and their goal in life alongside their occupational dreams, and Fiddleford completely comes off as that kinda guy. I think he just struggled to balance himself thinking he couldn’t do fifty fifty and instead put one hundred percent into things separately and fell short in both categories here and there

Regardless, we know Tate, and even though season one never planned on making McGucket anything other than a comedic side character we know that changed with season two in the shows new direction

All that really does is complicate things for why Tate is here. Obviously we can fill in the blanks with the lore later given last minute, maybe he wanted to see if his father was actually up in Gravity Falls, maybe he wanted to see if he could get through to him and it ‘wasn’t as bad’ as what he had heard or assumed, but that’s not relevant in this post at the moment

What I’m focusing on instead is the fact that just because Fiddleford can’t bridge the gap and connect with his actual son, because he has zero clue what it is he’s done, it doesn’t stop him from being in the community and playing roles that a ‘normal father’ would be doing for his kids

Ie reading town history to local kids (even if he just wound up eating the books after) it’s usually still an important thing parents tend to want to do with their kids (the teaching aspect)

Being there as a chaperone on a first date (I know it’s not the first for Gideon & Mabel, but the point is still there) as most ‘normal’ parents want to be active in their kids lives and make sure they’re being safe, & making good choices in the world

Being at the Sev’Ral Times concert (later seen crowd surfing, which honestly still cracks me up) but nevertheless he shows up out of the blue to be vocally supportive of the girls excitement for the concert and their plans

Yknow, as a parent ought to be when taking their kid to their favorite bands concert

Annnd then of course, far less subtle to anything else mentioned before regarding an image to general parenthood, we have raccoon wife

Again, there’s nothing subtle about this, it’s raccoon wife and it is bizarre that no one in town questions this. “Crazy local coot thinks he’s married to a raccoon? Yeah, makes sense.” (Though tbf there’s a local man married to a woodpecker, so ig it’s whatever for everyone)

Again x2 I’m not sure what to add on here because it feels pretty blatant what bro is shooting for mental wise here, it just makes me wonder wHAt about a raccoon reminds him of Emma May?

Maybe it’s just the pale round face, dark eyes, and brown hair that makes it click in his head

Regardless I still think it’s sweet that even when he’s gotten some recollection of himself back he’s still concerned for the raccoons in the apocalypse

Anywho, call me an emotional loser if you want, but the concept of this old man wanting his family back for some thirty odd years and not knowing how to get them back so he substitutes it with other things is horribly depressing

I can at least rest easy knowing his relationship with Tate has improved after Weirdmageddon :)

[butt-puncher]

I wish that I was more

[explorevenus]

something permanent ♡ yandere!leon kennedy x reader

nsfw (18+) - minors pls dni i will scream

this is a dark fic for a multitude of reasons. if any of the following bothers/triggers you, do not read: yandere!leon, stalking, kidnapping, drugging, corruption/training, forced daddy kink, noncon, forced breeding, body horror, gore, & blood

in other words-- DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT.

ahem. now that that’s over.

word count - 4.4k

description - nothing in leon’s life was ever permanent and his life circumstances made sure of that. over the years he was beaten down from a bright-eyed rookie police officer to a weary and angry shell of his former self. when a chance meeting brought you into his life, he knew what he had to do. he knew you had to be something permanent.

tags/warnings - yandere!leon, dark!leon, leon being patronizing and condescending and sickly sweet, fem/afab!reader, stalking, kidnapping, drugging, corruption/training, forced daddy kink, pet names (doll, sweetheart, princess, baby, puppy, etc.), noncon, forced breeding, housewife kink, body horror (spoiler alert he rips your IUD out with his bare hands), slight gore, blood, noncon, stockholm syndrome if u squint, dollification if u squint, descriptions of vomiting, no use of (Y/N)

a/n - ok i genuinely don’t know if anyone even wants this but i personally find it egregious how little yandere!leon content exists out there in this world because listen. i know a lot of people consider leon submissive and breedable but personally i believe this broken angry man just wants a sweet little thing to dote on and take care of to make him forget about the horrors of his life and he will stop at nothing to make that happen ♡ anyways. enjoy. and if it’s not ur cup of tea idc keep scrolling :^)

p.s. this is obviously a very canon-deviant, borderline crack fic so it’s not really established which leon this is outside of referring to the events of re2 being a long time ago, so go wild with your interpretation of that to read this as whichever leon is ur favorite ♡ i personally like to imagine post-re4 or infinite darkness leon !! ;w;

read part 2 here !! ♡

my masterlist ♡

my ao3 ♡

fic under the cut, thanks so much for reading and i hope u enjoy ♡

-venus ♡

You were slow to wake, which wasn't particularly unusual... as of late, but your body felt so heavy, like your muscles had dissolved into mush overnight. Consciousness gradually took its hold of you, and as it did, you began to realize that something seemed off. Different. Wrong, even. You peeked your eyes open, vision blurry with sleep, but you could see you were beneath your pink comforter, a plush of yours held closely to your chest, all normal so far...

But your walls aren't navy blue, they're white... They're supposed to be white--

You jolted wide awake, panic coursing through your weak body as you struggled to even sit up. That's when you noticed an unfamiliar, muscular arm draped over your waist, and that dialed up your anxiety about tenfold. It was hard to move, but you were able to turn your head enough to catch a look at the man it belonged to.

Strong, blond, maybe a bit tired in the eyes... maybe a bit familiar looking... but you were crying now, blurring your sight all over again.

"Shh, shh... you're okay, sweetheart, you're safe now," He hushed, holding you closely to him as you struggled. Smooching the top of your head, he spoke into your messy hair, "I've got you. I've got you, princess."

But... how? The last thing you remembered was tucking into your own bed, in your own apartment, and falling asleep there, how could you have possibly wound up in a stranger's bed with zero recollection of ever leaving yours? Your head spun as you tried and failed to fend off the unwanted affection with weak arms. His hold on you didn't dare budge as he continued to coo softly into your ear, to reassure you that you were safe, that he wouldn't let anyone, or anything, hurt you.

The anxiety stewing within you finally reached a tipping point, twisting your stomach into tight knots, and that's when you spoke your first words since you'd awoken. "I-I'm gonna throw up," You wept, clawing weakly at the covers and, well, at him, for freedom. 

Thankfully he was quick to act, scooping you into his arms as he sat up and rose from the bed, carrying you to the adjoined bathroom. When he turned the light on, you managed to get a better look at his face as you passed by the mirror, and it took you a second to recognize him, partly due to your state of delirium, but primarily because you only knew him very vaguely. You had only met him once at work many months ago, when he'd sparked up a conversation with you as you made him his coffee. After that, he became a regular at the café you worked at-- you remembered his name was Leon.

So why were you waking up in his bed, with your belongings lying around like you'd lived here the whole time?

Your knees hit the tile and you began retching immediately, flinching as he reached forward to collect your hair away from your face. Puking on an empty stomach is never a fun time, but your nerves were alight with panic and every time you reminded yourself of your predicament, a new wave of nausea would crash over you. He rubbed your back sweetly, but it didn't help.

Once the vomiting eventually subsided, an awful, hollow pain took place of it. Your thoughts were running at a thousand miles per hour. You didn't have the time to acknowledge it, let alone nurse it, outside of clutching your shirt at the waist. 

"Let me get you some water, babe," Leon said as he hesitantly stood from your side, eyeing you worriedly like you'd just fall to pieces if he let you out of his sight. "You poor thing..."

But all you could think about was getting out of here. "N-No, no, what time is it? I have to get to work--"

"I don't think so, sweetheart," He interrupted. "You're sick, you should be in bed."

"I'm fine," Much to the protest of your jellied legs, you pushed yourself up from the floor and fought through the head rush in an attempt to slip past him, but he simply caught you at the waist and brought you to a halt. Your ears were ringing, the room spinning around you, and you still weren't sure how to interpret what was even going on here. "L-Let go of me!" You cried out.

He simply hushed you, holding you tightly to his chest and petting your hair as you writhed, failing miserably to get him off of you. "Don't worry about work, okay? Just rest up and get better. I'll call them for you."

Your stomach sank even further-- what the fuck is happening right now? 

Despite your thrashing he managed to lead you back to the bed as gently as one would fine china, scooping you up into his arms so he could lay you down exactly where you'd awoken earlier. Your chest heaved with sobs as you shrank into yourself in an effort to get away from him.

His eyes left you for just a moment as he reached for the covers, no doubt to tuck you in-- in a split second decision, you seized that time to scramble out of his bed and break for the door. Sadly, as perhaps you should have seen coming, he was more than strong and fast enough to catch up to you, even caught off guard. As soon as your shaking hand made contact with the cool metal doorknob, he halted you where you stood with a bruising grip on your bicep.

You cried out, trying in vain to peel yourself away from him, but it was no use.

"Come on, silly baby, you heard me," He tsked, dragging you back toward the bed. "No need to be running off anywhere, especially on a sour stomach."

"P-Please--" You gasped through tears.

"I'm sorry, little one, but that's final," Leon hummed with a patronizing but oddly sweet tone. It was as if he were scolding a temperamental child.

He basically wrestled you back into the bed, enveloping you tightly in his arms as he laid down beside you. You struggled against his grasp, but again, it was absolutely no use. He simply pet your hair and pressed soft kisses along your cheek and jaw, attempting to soothe you with restraint and unwanted affection. 

You sucked in a labored breath, hiccupping, "Don't do this to me, please don't do this to me... I-I just wa-wanna go home, jus' wanna go h-home... Leon please--"

"Shh... oh, good heavens. You are home, princess," He mused, brushing away a stream of your hot tears with his thumb. "You'll see. Just relax and let me take care of you."

Nothing in Leon's life was ever permanent.

All he'd ever wanted was the American dream, to serve his community and meet a pretty girl to share his life with, to settle down in a big house with a fenced yard and two or three little Kennedys running around, maybe a dog. What he wouldn't give to come home at the end of a long day to his beautiful wife, belly swollen with his children, preparing dinner in the kitchen while the existing little ones play with their toys in the other room.

He would enter, slipping off his shoes with a relaxed sigh and a "Honey, I'm home!" to which the aforementioned little ones would rush to the door to hug him at his knees. He'd put one up on his shoulders while the other tugged at his hand, turning into the kitchen to give his beautiful wife a kiss. She would ask of his day and he would say it was good, but better now that he's home with her. With his free hand he would cradle her belly and ask "What's for dinner, you two?" to which she would reply "Your favorite," and as he smiled and thanked her with a kiss he would be silently plotting to thank her properly after the kids are asleep by fucking her full of his cum.

That was all he'd ever wanted. But, day after day after god forsaken day, the chance grew slimmer and slimmer until it had shriveled into something molecular. He didn't even get through his first day at the police station before everything went to shit.

Because of this, Leon began to lose himself over the years. He was no longer the bright-eyed rookie officer looking forward to his even brighter future. He was a broken man, worn down to the bone by years of death, plague, losing everyone he'd ever loved in one way or another-- Leon couldn't take the loss anymore. He wanted-- no, needed-- something permanent, something to give him even the slightest taste of that dream he once had.

When he met you, it wasn't even a question anymore. He knew you were the one. One way or another, he would have you.

He couldn't court you in the traditional way, of course-- it was too dangerous for you to be seen with him. After all, everything he'd ever touched had a way of turning to shit. So, it began with following you home after work so he'd know where you lived. Soon after that he would let himself in when you weren't home-- you weren't smart enough not to keep your key under the mat, furthering how sure he felt that you needed him to take care of you-- he would take little things of yours home with him just to have your scent around.

At first it was just little things like near-empty bottles of shampoo and stray pairs of panties from your laundry basket. Then it was sweaters from your closet, chewed gum and used flossers from your trash can. He'd pay close attention to your grocery lists and what you kept in your pantry so he'd know what kind of food you liked. 

When you did come home, he would sneak out quietly and watch you through your windows, familiarizing himself with your routine. The first thing you'd do when you came home from a long day of work was kick off your heels and change into something comfortable to do your yoga. After a while, you'd pull yourself up from the pink mat and cook dinner. After you'd eat, you'd relax with a book or a video game for a bit before taking a shower and changing into pajamas. Then, you'd brew yourself a mug of tea and retire to the bedroom for the evening where you'd watch documentaries or put on white noise until you eventually fell asleep.

At 7:00 a.m., you'd wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

All he could think about was what he'd do when he finally had you all to himself. Under his roof, you would never have to work another day in your life. Gone would be the days of pouring coffee and baking pastries for random idiots who treated you like shit. All you would ever have to worry about is being pampered, having your entire day to yourself, waiting for him to come home, spending all the money on his credit cards.

And carrying his children, of course.

So, as he held you tightly in his arms while you sobbed and begged to go back to that tiny apartment, all he could think about now was how to fix this. How to convince you he really loved you, how to make you feel truly at home.

The first few weeks were hard for him. Really, really hard.

You were refusing to eat, laying wide awake at night, swinging rapidly between sobbing, screaming and complete apathy. Sometimes he would come into the bedroom and catch you fiddling with the window, or attempting to circumvent the lock on the door by stuffing the mechanism with tissue. You would hit him, kick at him and spit in his face, even as you grew weaker and weaker with malnourishment, not that you really stood a chance before that anyway.

Still, it was hard to watch you shrink in your clothes. It was hard to see your cheeks hollowing by the day. It was hard to hold back your brittle hair while you'd vomit from the nerves, still trying to fight him off of you. It was hard to watch your body tense every time he entered the room.

Just when he'd began to lose hope, he discovered a neat little tool to help you behave. In some countries it was called "devil's breath." The slightest bit of powder could be sprinkled into your water, or over your food, or even into your clothes-- it absorbs through the skin-- and within minutes it would render you quite pliable. Leon didn't want to drug you, of course-- he liked you better when you were lucid-- but it certainly felt like a good place to start, a helpful tool to train you.

When he'd give you a dose, you would let him coddle you without incident. You would lay limp on his chest while he played with your hair and felt your soft skin beneath your shirt. You would allow him to spoon food or tip water into your mouth. You would let him dress you up like his perfect little dolly. You would blush and whimper and whine, and more importantly, not fight him, while he fucked you full of his cum, just like his dream.

There was just one problem-- after about two months of trying daily, it would seem his seed wasn't taking.

Your heart pounded in your ears as the sound of Leon's footsteps nearing the bedroom door grew louder. You glanced over at the clock-- it was 6:15. He was off work for the evening and you knew what that meant.

The lock clicked quietly before the door creaked open, revealing your captor.

"Honey, I'm home!" He smiled excitedly, approaching the bed with a glass of water in hand.

You knew it was for you. You knew he had done something to it. You also knew you didn't intend to drink it.

"W-Welcome home, daddy," You said in a near whisper, forcing a half-smile. While you had definitely lost the majority of the fight in you, that didn't mean it didn't nauseate you to comply with his wishes. "Did you have a good day?"

Tucking your hair behind your ear, he offered you the glass of water while he replied as he always did, "My day was fine, but it's so much better now that I'm home with you, princess."

You smiled at him like it was the first time he'd ever said it, taking the glass with a shaking hand. You stared at it for a moment before mustering up the courage to say, "D-Daddy, I don't want the medicine anymore. I don't think I need it, and it doesn't make me feel good."

"You don't want your medicine anymore, baby?" He asked, tipping your chin up to look at him. You shook your head, rounding your eyes to convince him that much more. "Well, alright, but you have to promise to behave for me."

Now you were nodding, a little bit too eagerly. It was sort of humiliating. "I promise, daddy, I'll behave! I don't want the medicine anymore. I promise I'll be good."

With a proud grin he took the glass from your hand and set it on the nightstand, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "That's what I like to hear, babydoll. You know, good little girls get rewarded..." His large hand spread over your thigh, inching up toward the hem of your baggy shirt.

You stiffened, but didn't push him away. He smirked, dipping his head down to kiss at your neck, large hand sliding up your shirt until he nudged it up enough to pull it off. You were bare for him now, save for panties, and given your experience with him you knew it wouldn't be long until those were discarded somewhere across the room. With a gentle hand at your shoulder he pushed you onto your back, your legs hanging off the side of the bed, and you were curious where he was going with that until he sank to his knees in front of you and began pulling your panties down.

Your eyes screwed shut, thankful that he couldn't see your face as he spread your thighs and greeted your cunt with a slow lick up the length of you. You gripped the sheets with white knuckles, pretty much holding your breath to keep yourself from kicking him away from you. His fingertips buried into the plush skin of your thighs to hold you apart as he began to eat you out more passionately, suckling your clit up into his mouth and lapping at your hole like he was starving.

If there was one thing you would give him credit for, it would be his skilled tongue. Perhaps he was crazy and obsessed, but he certainly knew how to translate that obsession into something that benefitted you both. You wouldn't have succumbed to it so willingly if he weren't at least good at it.

Still, it was hard to feel any enthusiasm. His attention might have felt good physically, but it certainly didn't feel good mentally. 

You flinched when you felt a fingertip prodding at your cunt. He pulled away just far enough to tsk, "Relax and let me make you feel good, puppy. You said you would behave for me."

"Y-Yes, daddy," You muttered, continuing to clutch the sheets as you tried to control your breathing.

His thick index finger sank into you down to the knuckle, almost immediately curling up to brush against the spongy spot within you that made you see stars. As much as you tried to fight it you gasped, quickly bringing a hand up to cover your mouth, but the sound you'd made hadn't slipped past Leon. You felt him smirk against your skin as he pressed sloppy kisses to your thigh, reaching up with his free hand to force yours away from your face.

"Don't be shy, princess," He spoke against the inside of your thigh, trailing kisses up to your clit. "I want to hear just how good it feels."

You whimpered, hips squirming into his affection, and he chuckled approvingly, bringing his mouth back to you fully to continue eating you out while he fucked his finger into you. Soon after his index finger was joined by his middle, and you keened as he reached more deeply into you than he possibly ever had.

He pumped his fingers in and out for a moment, alternating between lapping at your cunt and kissing your thighs, and just as the coil inside began to tighten he suddenly... stopped?

You waited for a second, catching your breath, expecting him to continue any minute. But he didn't. Instead, he took on a tone that froze your blood as he asked, "Sweetheart, what is this?"

Then, you felt a sharp tug at your insides that made you yelp.

"Leon!" You shouted at him in a break of character, attempting to scoot away from him, but he grabbed your hips to still you. "That hurt!"

Another tug. You cried out, trying as you might to snap your thighs shut and push him away, but he wasn't budging.

"You never told me you had an IUD."

"Well, I do, so stop yanking on it! It hurts--"

The next words out of his mouth truly fucking broke you.

"That just won't do. It's no wonder you're not pregnant yet."

You sat up immediately. "Pregnant?"

He ignored you, tugging at it again. You screamed.

"L-Leon, don't! I can get it taken out by a doctor, I swear, I'll get it taken out!"

He shook his head. "And wait even longer to knock you up, pretty girl? Not happening. It's coming out now."

You screamed again, thrashing in his hold. He withdrew from inside you for just a moment, pinning you to the bed by your hip while he reached for your panties on the floor and shoved them into your mouth to silence you.

"There, there, angel. It'll be over before you know it, like ripping off a band-aid," He hummed, pressing a kiss to your forehead as you screeched through the cotton. "I'm gonna give you my babies, I promise. Gonna make you a mommy, and we’ll be so happy."

Before you could properly react he forced his fingers back inside you, yanking at the device until you felt a sickening tear and the unmistakable heat of blood rushing out of you. You curled into yourself, wailing, gasping for breath through the panties in your mouth as he withdrew his blood-soaked fingers, holding up the gory IUD in the light.

"There you are, princess. All better," He smiled contently, discarding the device on the bedside table. "You did so good. You were so brave for me."

You were bawling, shrieking through your gag as your vision blurred into white. Leon kissed up your thighs before standing to unbuckle his belt, and he didn't get much further than that before the panic and agonizing pain got to you and you lost consciousness.

You woke up the next morning with your thighs sore and sticky with blood. You lifted the comforter to see a deep red pool seeping out from between your legs, and the more you started to wake up, the more aware you became of the pain. You were cramping terribly, sweating buckets, your ears were ringing and you felt weak. Leon had left for work already, so it was up to you to get yourself to the bathroom.

Your entire body was trembling as you stumbled out of the bed, dripping blood in a trail behind you as you dragged yourself to the bathroom and crawled into the bathtub. You peeled off your pajama shorts and panties, watching in horror as a mixture of thick blood and cum spilled out of you and ran slowly toward the drain. Once again, you began to cry. Obviously he'd had his way with you after you passed out, buckets of blood be damned.

Even with your foggy, staticky brain, you couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about the fact that he had no intention of taking you to a hospital, so there was really no telling what might happen with your profusely painful and bleeding sex. Thinking about how fucking screwed you were now without your IUD, your best defense against falling pregnant with your captor's child. Thinking about the fact that if he wouldn't even take you to a doctor for this, he must be expecting a home birth if you were to become pregnant, which you doubted he was qualified to handle and therefore had a very good chance to result in your slow, painful death.

You couldn't stand the shivering anymore, so you filled the bathtub with hot water. It felt nice, though it was rather gross that the water was stained a glassy rose color with your own blood, not that you really had the strength to care in the moment.

In fact, you didn't have much strength at all. It wasn't long before you found yourself losing consciousness once again.

"Fuck, princess, can you hear me?"

You were trying to open your eyes, to twitch a finger, anything, but it was so hard.

"Shit. Stay right here, babydoll, I'm gonna get you some help, okay? I promise. I never meant to hurt you... shit...”

You heard some shuffling, pacing and possibly Leon talking to himself in the other room. You figured he was trying to decide whether or not to take you to a hospital. Part of you hoped he would and the other part of you hoped he would just let you die there. More than anything, you just wished you would have let him drug you in the first place so maybe you wouldn't be in this level of pain.

After what could have very well been 20 seconds or 20 minutes, Leon kneeled beside the tub and draped a cold washcloth over your forehead, reaching into the bloodied water to pull the drain. With what little control you had over your own movement you managed to crack your eyes open, which seemed to please him.

"Oh thank god... thank god, baby. I almost thought I lost you there," He huffed, voice shaking. "Listen to me closely, princess. Stay with me. I'm going to take you to a doctor but you have to be a good girl, okay? You have to be good for me and go along with what I say, even if it isn't true. I'm just doing what's best for you so you can get all better, okay?"

You nodded weakly. You weren't in any position to put up a fight, and all you really wanted was an end to the pain. Besides, he couldn't supervise you constantly at the hospital. There had to be at least some opportunity to tell someone what he'd done to you.

He somehow managed to dress you in some comfortable clothes of his, a soft black t-shirt that hung halfway down your thighs and a pair of black shorts with some little socks of yours to protect your feet. Then, he carried you princess-style out to the car where he bundled you up in the passenger seat and buckled you in.

As he pulled hurriedly out of the driveway, he made a phone call to someone.

"Hey, it's me... I need the best people we have in the infirmary, stat. I'm on my way now," He spoke sternly into the phone, white knuckling the wheel. "I'm fine, it's not for me, it's my girlfriend. It's a long story that I'll tell you when I get there, but she's bleeding pretty bad. I found her unconscious when I came home... I appreciate it, thanks. See you in 10."

Leon reached over the center console to squeeze your thigh in reassurance.

"You're gonna be just fine, princess. I'm gonna make sure they make you all better, okay?"

Your stomach sank. He obviously wasn't taking you to a hospital. From the sounds of it he was taking you somewhere he had a good amount of leverage, somewhere everyone knew him, held him in high regard and wouldn't dare challenge his word, let alone take yours over his. You slumped to the side, resting your head on the cool window with a quiet bonk. Leon was quick to ask if you were okay but you couldn't muster up a response. Your ears began ringing again and the world around you collapsed into tunnel vision.

part 2 !!

[vampireknight-analysis]

Yuki's Evolution of Feelings toward Zero [Pt5]

Vampire Knight, Ch 89 - 93.

"What would we have been like?"

After the masquerade, Yuki contends with the plan she has formulated in her mind. What she feels she must do, and her ending in all of this. For a moment, she confides in Zero her deeper feelings. She anguishes over the "what ifs", fantasizing of a life where they were all simply human, living out their normal lives together.

Yuki exposes to Zero the desires she holds for them: being given the chance to naturally form her love and attachment to him, as a regular high school student. This moment also clearly conveys to the reader Yuki's wish. A life free of this oppression, free of species differences, and one where all of them—Kaname included—could all live happily and in peace.

"Zero... Zero... Zero..."

Knowing what she is about to do, what she is about to take from Zero, she reaches for him, touching him all over in a poignant moment of true agony.

"I can't go on unless I do this."

Yuki forcefully erases Zero's memories of her, believing that it will truly set him free. Free of his bloodlust and give him an ability to live his life, to the fullest he is able, if he has no recollection of her in his memories.

She knows that she cannot leave Zero in perpetual hunger for her just as equally as she knows that she must save Kaname by sacrificing herself to turn him human. This is the fate she must take.

Tears stream down her face in the aftermath, showcasing how difficult a burden taking Zero's memories of her away it is for her to bear.

"He's here..."

Yuki, now back with Kaname, sits curled up in the bed, turmoil in her heart as she senses Zero now in the vicinity. She doesn't want to have to face him again. It's difficult for her to face the reality of what she's done.

"We... aren't worthy of his company."

When Kaname forcefully brings Yuki to see Zero, Yuki admits that she believes neither she nor Kaname are worthy of Zero anymore. She feels they have hurt him beyond repair and sees them both as corrupt, responsible for Zero's pain and suffering.

"We can never go back..."

As Kaname continues to test the limits of Yuki's erasure of Zero's memories, Yuki grows angry and upset with Kaname's blatant disregard for Zero. She tells Kaname the truth she has already accepted—that things can never return to how they were. The peaceful past of just a few years ago is now shattered beyond repair.

"Have you... remembered?"

For a moment, Yuki looks on in complete horror at the possibility of Zero remembering her and all her plans falling apart. When Kaname was about to turn her human and erase her memories of him, she reveals in that crucial moment how guilty she feels in all of this and that the last thing she wants to do is run away. Not after everything she's done, not after everything that has happened. She can no longer live with herself.

"If... I hadn't been born... if I hadn't existed... everything would have turned out differently for you!"

Just as Yuki believes that all of Zero's suffering and pain are her fault, she also feels responsible for Kaname's tragedy. She feels hopeless, believing she has completely destroyed the two people who mean the most to her.

"Only before this thirst turns me to dust... tell me you will."

Sometime after Kaname gives his heart to the furnace, Zero comes to Yuki to tell her to consider Kaname's words. To forgive herself and allow herself to be in a relationship with him.

However, Yuki is far too broken. She is completely shattered in the aftermath of everything that has happened to her and losing Kaname.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls- Season 2, Episode 22 (Last Episode of the Season). "I Can't Get Started" Part 1

This episode may just be the ultimate game of memory roulette, because I remember nothing. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. except these two things:

I am told this episode involves a Lorelai-Crusty hookup and I have no recollection of that whatsoever. The mind has a way of bleaching itself sometimes. Can't wait to be retraumatized! The episode begins with Sookie playing wedding music choices for her coworkers and everyone falls asleep listening to the depressing songs she picked. Leave my girl Sookie and her emo music alone. She lives in Stars Hollow, of course she can relate to songs about pain, depression and misery.

Emily the Strange, seen on Rory's cast.

My conflicting emotions as I think about how Season 3 brings Jess to the forefront (that's good) but he rarely knows a moment's peace (that's bad) and in the blink of an eye we lose him to the California Wormhole (that's bad) but it also temporarily sidelines Dean (that's good) but it brings Crusty back (that's bad) but there's the debut of Dave Rygalski (that's good) but in the blink of an eye we also lose Dave Rygalski to the California Wormhole (that's bad) then we meet Alex who is cool and also hot (that's good) but then he disappears forever (wormhole?) and Max briefly returns from the California Wormhole (meh?) When Michel complains about the drudgery of wedding preparations, Lorelai reminds him she's in Sookie's wedding party so he has to oversee the entire wedding by himself, which is something he's never done before. Excuse me? Why don't you hire some more staff Lorelai, you fucking cheapskate. (We also learn later on that Sookie's catering her own wedding. WHAT? I know Sookie is a perfectionist when it comes to food but that's fucking bonkers). Rory offers to brainstorm with Lane to come up with wedding songs for Sookie and she agrees to let them do it because letting teenagers pick the music for the most important day of your life is a smart idea. This is where I realized I have no idea what kind of music Rory is actually into except that she has expressed she doesn't like the pop music/boybands of the day, which is fine. I just hope Rory wasn't one of those super annoying kids in school who were always coming up to me saying things like "You know, the Backstreet Boys don't play their own instruments." I was well aware. Anyway, Lane was definitely one of those types, as we see it happen on the show frequently, but as for Rory, that one is maybe up for debate.

Sookie asks Lorelai if she wants to invite Emily and Richard to the wedding. Uhh, may I ask why? Just 5 episodes ago, Emily was meddling in the wedding planning and blew up Sookie's budget and Lorelai had to intervene so she wouldn't go bankrupt. That's about the extent of any significant interaction between the Gilmore Grands and Sookie. After that mess, why would Sookie want her there? Sookie's all "Ah, that ol "almost bankrupted me" thing. She was so thoughtful to help me with the planning! Even though it was nothing more than a passive aggressive scheme to stick it to you for never getting married. She made me realize I love the color pink!" And then she giggles away the deep seated pain that anyone so relentlessly cheerful and forgiving has to be holding deep inside. Something historic just happened: I watched the Intro, instead of skipping it, which is something I haven't done in years. Let it be known I have nothing against the intro nor the song, and they're very nice and heartwarming, but I'm just not an intro girl. But I've been pretty down in the dumps and the theme song is like a warm cup of cocoa. It might behoove me to watch the opening credits once in a while so I know when to expect Dean, Crusty and other creatures from the deep.

More fine work from the Gilmore Girls fake food designer. Looks delish. She's still wearing that fucking quarter on a string, god damn. Rory is pestering Butthead to trade his pancakes for her fruit and egg platter.

You know, sometimes I start writing a joke, then realize it was funny, but it didn't make any sense and I have to scrap it, which makes me sad. Sometimes I don't even notice it after I've already posted and have to do a quick deletion (it just happened with LGD, in fact). Today, you're in for a treat because I'm going to give you one of my bloopers. Rory is incessantly asking Dean for his opinion on the pancakes. I decided she had poisoned them and she was monitoring his reactions, like when his breathing would start to become labored, or if he started to foam at the mouth, or if he would say something like that "huh, these pancakes taste kinda metallic." and then he would keel over. But then I remember they are at Luke's and she didn't cook the pancakes. But she could have sprinkled some rat poison on top of it when he had his back turned. I'm 100% convinced Lindsay had tried unsuccessfully to poison his meatloaf.

Oh no, they traded breakfasts. Eat AROUND the poison sprinkles, Rory. Rory and Buttzilla are observing someone who is repeatedly walking back and forth in front of the diner without coming in. *Sniffs the air* I smell unhealthy boundaries. It must be Lorelai.

I actually forgot that Luke and Lorelai were still "fighting". In fact, I just realized there was no Luke whatsoever in the previous episode. Okay, okay! I plum forgot about Luke completely! Anyway, can we please resolve this nonsense before season 3? How is Lorelai hooking up with Crusty going to end this stalemate?

Ya'll, she really blurted out "Dean don't leave me", not "Don't leave me, guys" or "Rory don't leave me." I CAN’T! I'm dying! Poor Rory, shows where she really ranks on the list of her mother's priorities. Anyways, sucks to suck Lorelai, good luck with solving this fucking mess completely of your own making.

lolbye

That's a wild under-exaggeration for how you acted after that car crash. Just wild.

There is no quicker way to get Lorelai’s goat than to act Pleasant Neutral towards her and not entertain her quirkiness! it is aggravating her to no end that Luke isn’t entertaining her stupid doughnut jokes! Hahahahaha! He isn’t groveling at her feet over her half baked fake bullshit apologies either. Sucks to suck Lore! Luke being so indifferent to Lorelai's bullshit is glorious, no one has ever deserved it more.

Meanwhile, Paris is running for student council president. Her campaign promises include mandatory recycling, clearly gendered bathrooms and gluten free options in the cafeteria (hey, as long as Rory can still order her favorite Chilton lunch, The Prison Special, two slices of white bread with nothing in the middle). After Madeline and Louise poll 150 students in the span of about 1 minute, the results are in: While the People think she would make a competent politican, nobody actually likes her. So she strong arms a very reluctant Rory into becoming her running mate. Paris feels Rory's nice girl image will soften her own. She puts the fear of God into Rory that she will end up going to Connecticut State instead of Harvard if she doesn't take this opportunity to pad her college resume with school politics. I mean, she's not wrong. Rory is still pitifully lacking in extra cirricular activities. Until they showed Rory writing in the audience, I had completely forgotten she was already on the school newspaper because it hasn't been mentioned in ages. And now I just remembered that horrid school newspaper storyline in s3 is approaching. The one with the redheaded mean girl, Francie. Ugh! S3 is going to be such a rollercoaster. Wait, isn't Connecticut State where Dean was considering going to school? Heheh.

Out of context Gilmore Girls.

Hmmm.

You know who else AmyShermanPalladino said this about?

AmyShermanPalladino wrote Paris to adore Rory as much she adores Milo, I'm just saying. Rory is getting her cast off.

Emily Strange again...

SECURITY!!!! No, but what kind of medical office is this where anyone can just barge in to a child’s appointment and be like "it's okay I'm the Dad" and the Dr is like “sure I believe you have a seat”. Not like Crusty is ever around that the doctor would recognize him. He drove down all the way from Boston to watch Rory have her cast cut off but can't be present for anything important? Alright. Anything to get into Lore’s pants I guess.

Yeah. Love is in the air at their child’s medical appointment.

Their nauseating attraction clouded their minds enough that they both resisted the urge to get in one last jab about Jess being the cause of Rory's injury. Miraculous.

Hur hur hur! You're so funny! Drink drain cleaner.

Honestly? They deserve each other. R: “If I become vice president, I'll have to spend my summer at some junior leadership program in Washington."

Oh, you would HATE That.

[eldritchsurveys]

1262.

Did you cry when you first watched Titanic? >> I don’t even remember watching Titanic. I know I did at some point, but I have very little recollection of the film itself. I am definitely not interested enough to watch it now, I'm more likely to yawn than cry.

What was the last thing you did before doing this quiz? >> Aside from looking for a survey to take? I made a post on tumblr. Or checked my bsky. I don't remember which one I did most recently.

What would your parents do if you came home with a tattoo? .

Ever purposely broken your iPod/phone just for a new one? >> I fail to see how that would benefit me in any way. Maybe that's something people with money do?

Ever kissed someone with a tongue piercing? >> I have.

Gotten high in the past 24 hours? >> I actually took a hit -- one solitary hit -- earlier today, before laying down with Can Calah. But before that the last time I got high was like a week and a half ago. Which is wild, but since The Event occurred, THC just doesn't do much of anything useful anymore. Using it today was really just an experiment to see if there was any point at all (spoiler: not really). Has a friend ever made you extremely angry? >> It has happened.

Are your parents divorced? .

If you got kicked out, where would you go? >> If we both got evicted, I assume we would go to Sparrow's parents' house. If something suddenly and weirdly cataclysmic happened in our arrangement and Sparrow kicked me out, I would go to a place like Dégagé or Mel Trotter or one of the other missions and see what my options were. If any of your friends got kicked out, would your parents let them stay with you? .

You’re locked in a room with the last person who hurt you, what happens? .

Injured someone in the last week? >> I have not.

Do you like Pokemon? >> The creatures themselves? Absolutely, I think they're adorable and fun. I don't have much interest in the games, though. I keep saying that if they invented a Pokémon game where the whole point was to catch Pokémon and then keep them on a farm and take care of them and learn about them and stuff, then yeah, I'd play that. But the fighting stuff (which, as far as I can tell, is the entire point of the franchise) is mega boring to me.

Would you get your feet tattooed? >> That doesn't interest me much.

Have you kissed more than ten people this year? >> I have kissed zero physical beings this year. Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it? >> I have not.

What was the last thing you and your mom talked about? .

Do you know people that smoke weed? >> Of course I do.

What was the most boring thing you did today? >> Took a shower, I guess. That's pretty boring. Last kiss drunk or sober? .

How do you feel right now? >> Neutral.

What were you doing last night at midnight? >> Sleeping, or trying to get back to sleep.

You think that stars are people we lost? >> I don't think that, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with thinking that if you wish to. What are your plans for tonight? >> It is currently tonight. I had no plans, I'm just doing whatever.

Is there any band/artist you would love to see right now? .

What is/was your worst subject in school? >> I think I got the worst overall grades in English. Which is kind of ironic, but it does make sense.

When’s the last time you cried? >> Hmm... maybe a few days ago?

Would it be more likely of you to fail science or math? . Do you find it rude when people text when they’re talking to you? >> I would prefer that people not check and answer texts whilst in conversation with me. If you were having a time-sensitive text exchange before we started conversing, then at least tell me so I know what's going on.

Do you tell your parents everything? . Do people say you look like a certain celebrity? >> Someone compared me to Harold Perrineau once and I’ll tell that story until I die, because it was extremely flattering to me. Who do you think you look like? >> I don’t think I look like any celebrity. Some of them have similar traits to me, but that's just to be expected.

Name a flaw that you think you have: >> I don’t use “flaw” to describe any of my traits. Name something that you like about yourself: >> My endless curiosity.

What’s a word that you overuse? >> I can't think of one right now, I usually only think about it when I'm in the middle of using the word.

Had a blast from the past recently? >> Katrina posted the "what in the knick knack paddy whack cracker jack biofeedback" etc etc meme the other day and boy if that didn't take me all the way the fuck back. We used to say that shit all the time.

Ever seen a pregnant woman smoking/drinking? >> Yeah, I had a friend who drank and smoked whilst she was pregnant. Not nearly as much as she did when she wasn't pregnant, but. What’s something you want for your next birthday? >> Friends, to throw me a fun (not big, just fun) party. It's an experience I've never had. Do you hate when people talk to you about their relationships? >> Not as a rule. I'm sure there would be exceptions, but in general this is fine. What’s the last thing you said out loud? .

Don’t you hate when you get hit on by creepers? >> I’m sure I would hate it, but this doesn't happen to me.

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? >> My wardrobe doors are always open, just because they're kind of a pain in the ass otherwise.

Do your parents use coupons a lot? .

Do you ever count your steps when you walk? >> I do not. What are you doing right now? >> This survey. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10. .

Do you always seem to lose your bobby pins & hair ties? .

Have you ever clogged a public toilet? >> I have. Have you ever been followed by a stranger when walking home? >> Not to my knowledge.

Do you have any jewelry on currently that came from someone special? .

Have you ever saw someone get run over? >> Not run over. Clipped by a taxi.

Is it currently cold where you live? >> It is, but not as cold as it usually would be at this time of year.

Do you put pepper on almost everything you eat? >> Some kind of pepper (black, white, chili) or seasoning with pepper in it, yeah.

Do you own more then 50 different colored eye shadows? >> I do not. Do you always feel like people are staring at you in public places? >> I used to feel like this all the time in NYC, but not so much here. I think it's more common in actual big cities, because I kind of got that feeling in Chicago too, and in really rural places (being Black and gender-ambiguous and alternative). What’s one of your biggest fears? >> Incarceration.

Is there currently any food crumbs on your bed? >> Probably. They eventually manifest no matter how careful I think I'm being.

Have you ever watched the show Banana in Pajamas when you were young? >> I did not.

Do you ever get any compliments on your eye lashes? >> Not that I can recall. Do you own a pair of converse? >> I do not. Sparrow does.

Would you rather be unhappy being single or unhappy being with someone? . What is something obvious about you that everyone notices? >> I don't know, man.

[kaijuposting]

Ghost Drifting: Does it exist in the Pacific Rim film?

Now some of you might read the title of this post and think, "well of course it does, it was in the novelization and in that Tales From The Drift comic." Thing is though, canon and continuity within the Pacific Rim franchise has always been a bit of a mess, full of inconsistencies and contradictions. It's never really safe to assume anything. So, the concept of ghost drifting goes all the way back to the Pacific Rim draft script written by Travis Beacham, and it appears as he originally intended it in both the Tales From The Drift and the Tales From Year Zero comics, both of which he wrote. One could argue that it even appears in Pacific Rim: Uprising and in Pacific Rim: The Black, in the sense of human characters becoming part of the kaiju hivemind, although this is most definitely not what he originally had in mind with the idea.

So where does the original movie stand? Does it exist here? And if so, in what sense?

I would say that there is circumstantial evidence that it exists.

One piece of circumstantial evidence actually comes from very early on in the film. You can hear Yancy scream after Trespasser rips him out of the jaeger. Later on, Raleigh tells Pentecost that he was still connected to Yancy when he died. Because Yancy was ripped clean out of the jaeger before he died, he could not have been connected to the pons system. This would suggest that Yancy and Raleigh were actually ghost drifting when Yancy died.

On the other hand, five years have passed since Yancy's death, and it's extremely likely that Raleigh does not have a clear recollection of the event, and is remembering incorrectly.

After Mako and Raleigh's first drift, we see them get the same food in the mess hall, which could suggest that they are somehow synced or linked:

But while this is clearly meant to be significant somehow, there's no specific indication that this is caused by ghost drifting. They could have just swapped food preferences or cravings in the drift.

Another thing that could suggest its existence is how easily Otachi finds Newt. Like, when you're a giant monster there's not a whole lot to distinguish one guy from an entire crowd, and yet, Otachi finds him in a kaiju bunker anyway. One might argue that Otachi was tracking him by scent and/or taste, having a general idea of what Newt smells and tastes like from his memories of how things in the k-sci lab smell and taste. And one thing about Otachi is, she's the only kaiju with actual nostrils, and there's definitely something special going on with her tongue.

On the other hand, the novelization does have Newt experience "drift hangover" with the Anteverse, and with Otachi specifically. But of course, the novelization also says that Hermann is blond, so we can't assume that anything the novel says also applies to the movie. So does Newt experience ghost drift here, or is it all down to Otachi's nose and tongue? At this moment, it's a tossup.

One last thing that could maybe, possibly suggest ghost drifting is Stacker Pentecost's strange line toward the end of the film before he dies: "I will always be here for you. You can always find me in the drift."

This line could just be trying to convey a sentiment similar to "I'll always be here, because I'll live on in your heart." But that's not what Pentecost says, and what he does say implies a different kind of continued existence - one that's perhaps a bit more metaphysical. Though I do have to admit, it's not much. It really could've just been trying to convey something similar to "I'll live on in your heart." Looking at the movie from a writer's POV, I feel like if ghost drifting was actually intended to exist in this story, it would've been made more explicit. On the other hand, it feels to me like this story doesn't quite want to rule it out, either. In particular, the mess hall scene actually made me think ghost drifting was happening when Raleigh's voice started talking before switching to the scene in which he was actually talking. It's only just speculation, but I think it almost feels like foreshadowing for an actual appearance of ghost drifting in a sequel that never manifested.

[james-p-sullivan]

so i think things have been doing better in terms of recovery from the tbi i had last year. reading and writing is still nowhere near where id like but i also don’t want to ignore the progress ive made over these past few months. i still have a lot of trouble reading large pieces of text at a time if im unfamiliar with it, but i think writing has helped me get used to prose and new story lines again (which is good because there is SO much fan fiction in my tbr pile that ive been dying to sink my teeth into)

i still have no memory of the accident itself or even the days surrounding it in general. there’s pretty much an entire week that results in a 404 error in my brain when i try to think about it. every so often someone will say something and im like ‘OH YEAH’ or have zero recollection so there definitely are things that ive forgotten. im trying to be forgiving about this but having amnesia was one of my biggest fears and then it freaking happened so yeahhhhh 😬

but all in all, i can slowly feel my creativity coming back. im having sudden bursts of inspiration and ive been crocheting and brainstorming personal projects, it’s been so much fun! there’s a novel plot ive been kicking around since 2019 that im actually starting to develop now and im super excited about it (you guys will start to hear about it soon hehe)

[veliseraptor]

2022 Writing Stats

it's time for Fun With Numbers: Lise's Hobbies Edition, 2022!

So I keep a daily word count writing tracker so I can monitor my own writing pace/patterns, and sometimes it's fun to see what comes out of it at the end of a year. This data does not include writing I do on this blog answering asks/writing meta/etc.; it only includes any fiction I write (original or otherwise) and more serious/structured essay works. For the most part this tracker is meant to serve as a descriptive, not a prescriptive, tool - I use it to record rather than to set goals.

And now: the charts.

To start with, the basic graph of my daily word count in 2022:

This one looks pretty similar to graphs for previous years, though it did trend a little lower than historically. However, the big outlier there in October is the highest single-day word count I've had since 2019, apparently. I wrote 5.2k on October 24th, which (looking back), wasn't even a travel day, just a random Monday, so I have no idea what was happening there. My best guess was that I was hit with a whale of an inspiration boost for some reason, but I have no recollection of what it was about.

A quick look at data distribution shows that there were 56 days in 2022 with a word count of 0 (i.e. 56 days where I wrote literally nothing; actually fewer than I expected, and fewer than in 2021 when there were 67 zero word days). Altogether I wrote 388,095 words in 2022, an increase over 2021's historic annual word count low of 386,721. (I am making fun of myself here.) My average word count per day in 2022 was 1,063 words, which is roughly on par with last year's (more on comparative daily averages later).

Looking more broadly at the patterns month over month:

Obviously something happened in July and October where I lost my mind somehow, but I don't really know how to explain that. Neither beat out September 2021 as one of my most insane writing months on record (over 60k) or even approaching my all time high in November 2017 (63k), but still. They were probably the main factors in pulling the ultimate monthly average to just above 32,442 words, given the lows in June, November, and December. June was particularly dismal this year; it's the lowest word count in a month since I started tracking this in August 2016.

June was rough, you guys.

Now to compare 2022's final total word count to previous years overall...

While continuing to track lower than earlier data (2017 and 2018 in particular), the trend for 2022 held close to 2021 and within a reasonable range of 2019 and 2020. 2020's boost likely came from the several weeks of unemployment there in the middle, tbqh, so I think I'm looking at what's probably an approximate of my "typical" output in a year at this point in my life (hovering around the 370-420k mark). The overall yearly average for these past six years is 454,899 words in a year; for the past three it's 409,647 words. All told, between 2017-2022 I recorded having written 2,729,334 words.

To look at seasonality I graphed out the month-by-month word count total, graphed by year (this one's probably hard to read):

But I failed to note any significant deviation based on any particular month year over year. Total word count per month hovers around a median of 38,726 words per month.

Breaking it down more particularly to average daily word count per year, to see how my average pace day to day changed (or didn't) from year to year:

As seen with the overall totals for the year, the daily average roughly lines up, with 2019, 2021, and 2022 forming a cohort of similar range after the apparent outliers of 2017 and 2018. (It does make me curious what data would look like, had I been gathering it, for earlier years, particularly when I was in college.)

Finally, for a completely unreadable chart that shows the daily word count graphed for every year, including a line for the average across all years:

gorgeous. absolutely illegible, I love it. But it does arguably illustrate what I started this project to prove, which is the remarkably consistent up-and-down nature of my writing pace. Peaks and lows, at a slightly varying pace and with different levels for how high or how often those peaks show up, but it does tend to come back around.

You can see this more clearly when I cut the graph down to just show the line that averages out all six years:

Now if only I could internalize that better and stop panicking about how I've lost the ability to write every time I spend a few days feeling sticky and slow. It's a goal, anyway.

That's all I've got. Thank you and I'm sorry I'm like this.

[4d-hypermoth]

Nintendo Direct 9/14/2023

This Direct is pretty much what I expected from the Switch at this stage in its life. One potentially interesting new game, plus a bunch of remakes and third-party/indie titles, as well as wrapping up the DLC content for all their games.

Another Code: Recollection was honestly the highlight of the direct for me, and I don't even plan on getting it. Maybe I should. In a sea of remakes of games that your average Nintendo fan my age already owns, seeing an obscure duology from the DS and Wii get another chance at life is great, especially with one of the games being Japan-exclusive previously. A genuinely nice little surprise.

Princess Peach: Showtime! looks like it's going to be Nintendo's last actual new game on the Switch. I'm not even sure what genre this game is supposed to be, but the outfits look snazzy as hell and I'm keen to learn more. Big win for the lesbians.

Splatoon 3 - Side Order is interesting, and I hope it impresses to a similar degree as Octo Expansion. Not much else to say right now.

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door rightfully had people screaming. This, combined with Super Mario RPG's remake, gives me the slightest bit of hope that Nintendo might one day produce a new Mario RPG that everyone can agree is good. Hopefully this game has some new features over the original.

WarioWare: Move It! looks like a great game for parties and families. I'm very glad Nintendo still makes WarioWare, even though they don't sell very well.

Mario vs. Donkey Kong looks nice, but I've never had much interest in this series, and neither has the Nintendo fandom at large from what I've seen. At least this one's not centered around the Mini Marios. I'd be down to try it for the right price, which is most likely not going to happen with Nintendo. Very happy for any fans of the GBA original. Sad for all the Donkey Kong Country fans who got their hopes up.

Luigi's Mansion 2 HD is... yet another remaster. Except unlike the other ones from today, this one just looks like an upscaled 3DS game. I'm always up for new ways to play old games, especially ones that released on unique hardware like the 3DS, but with Nintendo's pricing this one's going to be very hard to justify.

Detective Pikachu Returns is at least a new game. I don't think I've met anyone who played the original. If you're into this sort of game, fantastic. While I'm glad there's finally a game where you can creep on people with Luxray, I'll have to pass.

F-Zero 99 just makes me sad. Another battle royale gimmick game that's going to disappear, just like Super Mario Bros. 99. Except this time it's with a series that's been dead for 20 years. Even without Pyoro's leak baiting us, this is a massive letdown, regardless of the quality of the actual game.

For the rest, everyone I know loves Dave the Diver, I just haven't gotten around to it. I'm surprised Riot announced Bandle Story here, but it looks nice. Contra: Operation Galuga looks kind of ugly tbh, and I don't know what to think about Tomb Raider I-III Remastered's graphics as someone who never played the originals. Unicorn Overlord is something I might look into, and I really need to play Wargroove so I can know whether or not to be excited for the sequel.

Something something trombone, something something amogus. The Funky Kong is real. 7/10 Direct. Some nice surprises, but remake fatigue is very real. For the final stretch of the Switch's lifespan, it's about as good as I could have realistically expected, if not slightly better.

[jaynnie-jane]

Full fucking circle.

I know I started watching crappy childhood fairy a while back and I also know I sent a message to him that was along the lines of "holy shit, apparently I did have a crappy childhood"… But amongst the bullshit I somehow forgot that realisation and fuck me do I feel like a dumb arse.

So, Crappy Childhood Fairy talks a LOT about C-PTSD. All this time I have been caught in this Narcissist pondering and she does this really great video on parallels between NPD and CPTSD. I'm watching it and nodding along and thinking yeah, that makes sense and something she said made me do a quick google search which brought me to this page:

And the following lines made my heart fall "This is the definition of trauma. The failure to integrate a disturbing event into your internal narrative of reality. It doesn’t matter if 99% of that reality is happy and supportive." "It’s cliché, but many people who experience childhood trauma have parents with their own unresolved childhood trauma. And if they’ve made it to adulthood without resolving that trauma, they had to find a way to live with it. One of the most common ways of coping with trauma long-term is denial… and when their children are upset, they teach them that denial."

Not only does that first part explain how I feel about watching the fights in my family it also explains why when Mum and I were filling out a form for me for my queried Autism thingo, that I had ZERO recollection of my behaviour during a repeated (I can't even ADMIT the next word!) traumatic event (like holy hell, with all my knowledge and understanding of psych stuff I can't even say to myself, yes that was traumatic yet if a friend told me about it I would say yes, that would probably be pretty traumatic!). She told me how as an 8 to 16 year old, I would ALWAYS seek out my brother (he's five years older) and console him and make sure he was okay and validate him and just be there for him. According to Mum, this would happen at least once a week. All I remember from those events is their basic format: My brother would do something dumb that dad would get annoyed with and dad would yell, mum would intervene. Then randomly a few days later dad would give my brother an insane task as punishment for the dumb thing. My brother would complete the insane task without complaint and mum would get shitty with dad for giving my brother the insane task. When I think about my childhood my brain tells me that happened maybe every six months and I only have snippets of memory from one of them. Thinking about it now, and witnessing my parents and their relationship over the last few years I KNOW that for two or three days a week I would have been able to -feel- that tension in the house. As a full grown adult with a bit more self awareness (I was going to say much more but apparently that isn't the case), I still feel that tension between my parents at times and it makes my skin crawl.

The second part of that is also devastating to me because I look at my mums childhood and think "holllyyyy heeeck!". She's never 'dealt' with it. I think it's only been the last five years that I have watched her become more aware. It's often only through me biting back when she tries to control the way I dress or the very harmless ways my dad copes with life that SHE has started to shift her mentality. It's been the strangest thing for me to watch my mum wear baggy clothing. I don't know if it's coincidental but I went off at her a while ago when she was being critical of how I was dressed. I said to her very plainly "Just stop. Stop trying to dictate how I should look just because you are so insecure about the way that YOU present to the world".

Even now, as an adult going through the year I have had, through no initial fault of my own, it's almost impossible for me to actually ask for help because every time I do my mum tries to use it as a teaching moment for her type of resilience which is "you gotta be able to do it on your own, don't rely on anyone, you just CAN NOT EVER become dependent on others".

As a result I think I ricochet between the two extremes. I DO become highly dependent on others because I don't seek help before I absolutely have to. Usually by that point, no one CAN help me.

And now I am just so heavily filled with regret over my relationship. We both asked impossible things of each other, hell I didn't even ask. I don't know if I didn't ask because I was afraid of being told no or to just "suck it up" or if it's because I, like my mother pride myself on fucking STRUGGLING with my mental health alone because no one has been able to help me. I have known for MONTHS that if Josh and I broke up I would regret it. I KNOW I am capable of so much more. I KNOW that with the right support and environment I could be unstoppable. I knew, in my gut that who he was asking me to be, for the most part is who I think I want to be any way. But every second spent in a relationship where what my partner needed, I was incapabale of providing; was destroying us both. I knew I was failing him again and again and I was so terrified I couldn't be what he wanted, the only thing I could focus on was that and trying to make that feeling of hopeless worthlessness go away. Because I was holding onto this all consuming panic and anxiety over not being good enough for my partner, I didn't have space to take on the anxiety and panic that I experience around work.

And I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. You were not stonewalling, you were just exhausted. You were not dismissing me you were just flooded. And both of our crappy coping skills that we have both tried so hard to unlearn kicked in. Neither of us could risk asking for what we truly needed because we knew the answer was some version of "I can't give you that".

I wish we had found a therapist 8 months ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Regret, despair, shame, grief, embarrassed, foolish, disconnected, heartbroken, self contempt and self betrayal.

[xiadz]

When I was in highschool, art class was my favorite with computer class being a close second. In 9th grade I was so excited to be able to spend an entire hour dedicated only to art. My teacher didn't like me, I don't really know why cause I wasn't an asshole kid and was mostly just quiet. I suspect it was because I wore death metal band shirts and she was heavily christian, but I don't know. Every single project I did and turned in, it was an instant fail. I mean every one, not even a D mark, everything was a failing grade. I began to think maybe I just fucking suck at this but still, it was the only class all throughout highschool where I didn't miss a single assignment. The kid that sat next to me that year thought it was bullshit and even he asked her about it and she said I just simply didn't meet the required expectations. That solidified it, I'm just terrible at this. Until one day, the same dude - suggested we switched projects for the turnin and see what happens. I thought it was dumb and it would just ruin his grade but I agreed, and the exact same thing happened. Teacher marked "my" project with an F and marked "his" with an A. I couldn't believe it, I still don't believe it. That someone in a position of power like that would just fuck with a kid for zero reason other than disliking them. I wish I could tell you that I was motivated to continue art out of spite, but something about it really ruined every aspect of it for me. Despite our little experiment of swapping projects, that year ruined every perception I had of my capabilities. I stopped drawing completely, I barely painted, and anything I created I kept to myself. The idea that I would ever show anyone else things I was working on was insane, so I kept it to myself for the next 15 years. Every great once in a while I'll maybe post what I consider a shitpost equivalent of something I made, but for the most part everything else is destined to live covered in dust away from the world. & Having any piece that is associated with me and not just some random weirdo on the internet? Not happening ever. I'm trying to change that about myself, in some sort of symbolic sacrifice I took this final project we made in that very same class, which mine was a large ceramic pumpkin, and about a year ago I walked outside and just fucking smashed it against the ground. I saved it all these years sitting in my closet but I fucking resented it. I hated associating with it, I hated that teacher for making me feel that way. I hated even more that I thought about her while she probably has no recollection of who I even am. I'm still kind of unsure about publicly showing off things I've made that can be associated with me. But for the last 2 years I've been creating, and I've been enjoying it. I've been showing some friends my poster designs, I've sent a few discord strangers my works in progress, I even entered a competition a while back. I didn't win, but it isn't the point. I'm just kind of mad at myself for spending all those years doing almost nothing at all, but I'm over it. I bought a new notebook a few months ago and it almost never leaves my side. A step forward is a step forward, no matter what cunts try to block your path.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Last Straws

You know that feeling when one of your friends is a self-absorbed little shit and you know they’re a self-absorbed little shit but their self-absorption and little shit-ness just hit one button too many and you just want to slap them? It’s the weirdest damn feeling because it can be the smallest thing to set it off after years of arguably bigger issues.

This is concerning an old RP friend, who I still follow on Facebook. Now, he was an issue generator for quite awhile when I used to see him in person. I honestly have zero recollection of how we met, but he joined my Mage group when I ran in meatspace, and a few other games as well. He was problematic in all of them, frankly, with a bit of Main Character Syndrome and that thing that goes, “I have to be a hero in this game because I need validation of the type I don’t get in real life”. Also ... okay, y’all know I have zero issue with anyone on the spectrum, but I do have issues when someone doesn’t try. Fucking hell, I try - every day I try, and it’s not easy, so I am totally understanding when people slip up. But I tripped over a post of his that basically went, “Hey, I think I’m going to write up a guide to how to communicate with me and hand it to everyone I know”, and he was not joking. Not sure he ever actually did it, but his answer to, “I have communication issues” was not “I should work harder at ensuring that we all understand each other as best we can”, but “I will tell everyone how to talk to me so that I don’t melt down, and thus put the entire responsibility for the success of our communication into their hands because I can’t be bothered to moderate my own behaviour”.

I largely stopped engaging him after that, at least in part because I was a little disturbed at his overriding need for a girlfriend. I swear, it was all he talked about for quite some time. Of course, see above re: his communication skills, so that probably wasn’t happening. But he said something today that I just wanted to slap him over. He was whining about “I can’t buy the Toby Daye series or the InCryptid books because they’re not out on Kindle! Why are they not out on Kindle? WOE!” At which point I looked at my two shelves of paperback involving both those series and went, “Hang on; what now?!?” Then I engaged.

I should not have engaged. I mean, my first thing was flagging up that honestly, I don’t know if the author asked for there to be a gap between those books getting published and those books hitting Kindle, but I wouldn’t blame her if she had. McGuire is hugely outspoken about how book piracy can destroy an author’s career, particularly when dealing with a series. Book 1 sells well, but if Book 2 (or 3, or 4, or whatever) gets pirated more than it gets purchased, the publisher will decide that the series isn’t worth it and bin the whole thing. Now, I imagine you can pirate a book that hasn’t made it to ereader yet, but it’s a lot harder and a lot messier, and it still might not end up legible. So I started with the first bit of that - I mean, they’re her biggest and longest-running series and I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting the Kindle versions to float around for a good long while.

He said, “But if I can’t buy it, wouldn’t that make me more liable to pirate it? Which I don’t want to do because I do want to support her, but...” Like he had no choice - like it was either Kindle or nothing.

I looked at my two shelves of paperback again at that point and decided I wanted to throttle him, not slap him. So I flagged up the second part of that statement above - how a pirated copy of a book that hasn’t come out for ereader is likely to be messy and barely legible and there are other ways to buy a book than getting the Kindle version - like the local library, or ... you know, buying the paperback. I asked him to at least please not be disingenuous; to acknowledge that it wasn’t that he couldn’t buy it but that he couldn’t have it in his desired format.

Apparently he doesn’t have a local library, but he did at least subside a bit with, “But I see your point. I guess I’ll just wait”. Given the earlier replies, I can’t help but read that with a tinge of sulk.

Maybe it’s just the one straw that broke the camel’s back. But after awhile, you get tired of someone insisting they should have things entirely their own way without having to compromise or consider the situations or feelings of others, and then sulking when they have it proven that the world doesn’t work that way. I distanced him when he whined to me that he had to be the hero in my game because it gave him the kind of validation he lacked in his real life; I distanced him further when he whined about not being able to get a girlfriend. I’m about ready to just block him entirely over this one. Not because this is that bad - although it is that bad, since I’ve read time and time again how pirating books can destroy a series and an author’s career - but because it’s one more bit of proof that he has to have everything entirely his own way and will sulk if he doesn’t get it. My life is too short and too stressful to deal with people like this.

I mean, I don’t have anything against people who prefer Kindle to dead tree. But someone whining that they can’t buy it at all when what they mean is, “I can’t have my preference”? Miss me with that. If I want to support my favourite author and read the continuation of the story I’ve invested so much time and feels in over the years, and I can’t have it on Kindle? Just put down the paperback and back away slowly. Gods, he’s even whingeing about Be The Serpent and that’s not even out in paperback yet.

[angria]

I've been listening to a song that I associate with hellhole (good ol' sabotage) and I just remembered something mother said the last time my parents came to the city, back in April. And I don't think I ever wrote about it.

I told her about the AG report being released and how there were six known abusive priests at hellhole in its history, one of the largest amounts listed in the report. I also mentioned how it was messing with my head so much because I don't remember huge chunks of time from when I was younger and at hellhole. So I don't remember if anything (described in the report) happened to me. And I was obsessing over whether something did happen, spending hours online trying to find anything about hellhole while I was there.

Then she almost said to herself how she didn't pick up on the signs of bullying/abuse while I was at hellhole. I told her I stopped saying anything around 4th grade, following one incident in 3rd grade when no one believed me and gaslighted me into silence (including mother). I could tell she was trying to connect things in her mind. Which is when she mentioned something when I was in 4th grade. It was the end of the school year and mother sent a thank you note and some gift to my classroom teacher. Apparently I became really upset with her at the time, a stronger reaction than I normally exhibited. That I asked why would she do that, but I didn't explain why I was upset.

I just stared at her. Zero recollection of that happening. Zero. I can barely visualize my teacher from that time and I only know her name due to later research. 4th to early 7th grade were the worst years, particularly 4th and 5th grade. Everything is just a fog, blocked. The only things I (barely) remember are from flashbacks and nightmares. From that, I came to learn of one incident involving that teacher and main abuser. And how awful the following weeks were because of that incident.

It terrifies me how much I don't remember. Why it is so blocked. I know it is all tied to her. Her holds that time-period. Which is probably why I am too petrified to go near her. That and the pure hatred I have towards her.

Plus...do I even want to remember?

[kngyeosn]

hi again :) so i watched ocean waves before i went to bed last night, and… i’m ready to discuss 🎤 this. this might be long.

first off… honestly, visually speaking, i didn’t expect anything less from a ghibli film ? the shots were gorgeously animated and colored, and i loved how it was shot in almost … i’d say documentary style ? definitely not how the other ghibli films i’ve seen were structured, so i appreciate the versatility !! i loved the white cropped scenes, too … and because there was a voice over, it felt like a recollection made by the character himself and not just given to me through a screen ! so i really liked that a lot.

character wise …. i hope we can both agree that the supposed main couple has zero foundation to build a romantic connection on … 😭 maybe it’s because i’m so used to progressiveness and eventual budding romance presented to me through your typical format, but watching him get deceived and put into all sorts of scenarios because of her just ticked me off immediately. like is that all her character was for ? i was thinking about it this morning when i woke up, too… if i’m being honest, i wished the film focused more on the relationship between the two male ‘interests’ rather than the weird ,, love triangle ,, of sorts ,, ?? i wish we got to see more of what happened in the years where they stopped talking, or more scenes like the one at the water where they ‘talked for an hour’ off screen ….. got me invested in such a interesting way for a friendship to start only to not give me anything 😭⁉️

i’ve got a little more to say but i don’t want to accidentally overwhelm you, so … i’ll leave it here for now. thank you for the recommendation ! thoughts aside, i really liked it. :)

hello to you too. <3 i agree on the visual wise. the character wise.. i feel like i can also write a whole thesis on it. i agree, they had zero chemistry as well. at first, i honestly thought it was a love story between him and his friend considering his attachment towards the friend but as i slowly progressed through it, it made me really irritated, honestly. i feel like it would have worked out if only they communicated (him and his friend). but also, i do feel like every character had a reasoning on why they were the way they are. but that might just be me. of course, im glad you enjoyed it. <3

[crazybigredlove]

6th November 2013 

Dear Pete, 

Amazing things are happening. Glanced in the mirror of a public restroom (desperate times) and saw muscle. On my own body. Yes! Muscle! Without any assistance from my carefully selected, specially enhanced, perfectly angled bedroom lighting. The only reason I even noticed was because when I was sitting down in my favourite cafe sipping on a long espresso (boring), a man approached me and gestured to indicate that he'd like to sit down. Body tensing at the thought, I smiled weakly and prayed that he wasn't the type to lack the insight to decipher my 'please leave now' vibe. Cute or not, strangers are icky. 

"So, I see you here quite a bit." Oh! Brighten instantly but it's short-lived as I remember that no one has ever escaped my attention in this cafe, let alone a cute man and I have zero recollection of ever seeing him before. 

"Mmm?" An eyebrow raises unenthusiastically. "Hard at work this morning?" He casts his arm towards the grotty, old workout gear I'm currently wearing (and that is in desperate need of replacing). "Was. But now I'm just trying to get some work done." Pointing at the laptop open in front of me I smile at him and return to typing. "What did you do this morning? Zumba?" 

Shots. Fired. 

Eyes narrowing I lock him in my line of sight. Time for takedown. "I'm sorry?" He laughs at his own joke. "Isn't that what all women your age do?" 

Shoulders are now tensed and ready for battle. "My age? No. That's not all that women my age do, and if you knew even the slightest thing about women, particularly those my age, you would know that." 

Turn back to laptop and type aggressively so that he has to be aware of how obnoxious he is and how completely uninterested I am. "Sorry, didn't mean to offend. A friend of mine recently started powerlifting. A woman. What sort of woman lifts weights?" He starts chuckling to himself. "There's not a man on the planet who'd be attracted to a woman like that. She'll look like a man soon." Aggression is not only an option, it's completely justified. "Given your completely naive and narrow idea of what women should and shouldn't do, you can leave now. This woman doesn't Zumba, but she does lift weights; so I guess you aren't going to fall madly in love with me like I've so been hoping you would for these last two minutes. What a shame. Good day, Sir." 

If he blushed or looked apologetic I have no idea. He left soon after and I didn't bother glancing after him. These are the sort of men that hit on me, the type that insult you or other women in an attempt to get your attention. 

Screw him. Not figuratively. 

So yes, I did notice the definition in my arms and I am proud of it. Even if Prince Harry, I mean Charming, isn't noticing it yet and even if strange men in cafes are warning me off weight training. Seriously, what has the universe done for me lately? Why should I listen to its strange cryptic signs? I am a master of my own destiny! Or something. 

Besides, I bet Dan Bailey (the CrossFit guy, not the football player) loves women who can lift. Maybe I'll ask Santa to bring me him this year... 

Liv x