#i have an anxiety disorder (diagnosed) and I'm fucking PANICKING

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I used to somewhat frequently get really bad chronic physical anxiety symptoms, like I’d mentally feel not that bad but I’d still feel dizzy and lightheaded and feel like throwing up and a bit numb everywhere and my chest would hurt, and then of course I’d worry that this means I’m dying so then I would start to feel anxious, and that would make it worse. I even went to the emergency room a couple of times when these feelings were accompanied by particularly severe chest pains. They hooked me up to machines and did all kinds of tests and eventually said it’s just that I’ve got so much anxiety happening so chronically that it’s causing physical symptoms to also happen chronically. That or there was some physical cause that they missed with all their EKG tests and breathing tests and blood tests and other things, which would be quite a coincidence, if I had my several different anxiety disorder diagnoses and also a different thing that caused all the same symptoms. I don't know. They did find my blood pressure runs low and tell me to eat more salt, and someone said something about a thyroid being a possibility but never followed it up. Maybe I should follow that up.

But these were weird and extra scary because they weren’t just happening during a panic attack, or while I was freaking out about something and I could make them go away by calming down. They’d come on with seemingly no warning and they wouldn’t go away and I hated it so much. There have been a few years in my life where this has happened regularly, most days, and I’ve generally had to make some major life change to get it to stop.

Outside of those few years, this has been something that happens occasionally, and it freaks me out, but I try to remind myself that I’ve had it before and it’ll pass, and it usually does within a few days. As of now I actually hadn’t had it for quite a while – not in that way where the physical symptoms just come on with no obvious warning or antecedent, that is. And yet it’s been happening all day today. I feel fucking terrible and I’m writing this post because of course I hope it’s just that again, but I can’t really know.

It’s really frustrating, because I’ve just gone three weeks without drinking for the first time in many years. And I’m pleased about that. But I’m always hearing and reading people saying that when they stopped drinking they felt so much better and healthier physically and psychologically, and I’ve had the opposite pretty much from the start, and it doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon my plan to cut back but it does seem unfair. To my justice-obsessed brain, if I have to live without doing that thing I really enjoy, which is drinking whiskey and watching old comedy videos every weekend, I’m supposed to feel better in exchange, not have my anxiety levels ramp up to the point where I’m dizzy and almost throwing up and a bunch of other physical symptoms that I could get from alcohol too, but at least if I got them from drinking then I’d have fun in he process. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night convinced the world was going to spin off its axis and I was dizzy and I couldn’t get back to sleep for two hours. That’s what’s supposed to happen during a drunk/hungover sleep, as a price I pay for having fun drinking. It’s not supposed to happen when I haven’t had a drink in three weeks.

I don't really know why any of this is happening because things are actually going relatively well right now, maybe it's low blood pressure. I'd just like to say, I feel cheated. I know that not drinking is still a good idea and it's what people should do and everything and it's what I'm doing, but I was promised that this would feel better in at least one way and I feel cheated because I'm still waking up in the middle of the night panicking and I'm still dizzy and lightheaded. It would sure be great if these symptoms would slow down before I have to go to work on Monday. This is exactly the sort of thing that I'm afraid of when I worry that I'm not functional enough to keep a fulltime in-person job longterm, that this sort of thing will happen when I'm working. Hasn't really happened since I started working in person last year, but it is now, so that's good. I'm living in a friend's house at, as the British say, mate's rates, but I still do have some rent to pay.

[nathank77]

4/20/24

3:36 a.m edited/added to 3:50 a.m

So I took that shower, and shaved my head and face once I stopped having sporadic heart palpitations. I really think I'm going to be diagnosed by a cardiologist with panic attacks and I'm worried it'll affect my insomnia prescription.

They give you antidepressants for it sometimes and I'll straight up refuse. I'm ommitting psychosis but antidepressants are always pushed. Of course they could perscribe me .25 of xanax for panic attacks intermittently. Idk I'm just afraid it'll make me lose my current script so I started panicking about that.

Then I started panicking about my report for Kristen bc of the freedom of Information act. People will see I'm lying about psychosis but I mean you can't tell I have hallucinations... so I mean if I say I got better and I act like I have been, how can you prove it? But can my Doctors see it when I submit it? Can anyone look it up like say a motor vehicle ticket or a court case? Cause that's concerning if anyone could look it up including my current Dr's.

I tried to look up complaints ingeneral in ct against therapists and doctors and I couldn't find a site with any information. Either way Mike was right about it and it was making me panic and have palpitations as I read about it bc I don't want this label anymore but Kristen needs to go fucking down. She needs to be stripped of her license. She's fucking negligent.

When I stopped reading and said as for right now the report isn't finished. Also I can say I refuse to take antidepressants and I can ask if I get a psychiatrist from my cardiologist, if getting a benzodiazepine script will stop my current script from my PCP bc at that point it isn't worth it. But it could be a heart condition but I think I got diagnosed at the ER for anxiety for a reason....

Once I stopped reading everything and thinking about it they stopped. However I think Kristen is the source of the problem... I can't stand that she is getting paid as a negligent therapist for months at a time while I suffer and she couldn't even say she's sorry when I'll never hear the wind in the trees again without hearing an auditory hallucination. When I'll never have silence again. She's getting paid and my life is ruined and constant chatter is necessary and it makes my life intolerable.

I had some palpitations out of the shower but I guess I'm just developing panic disorder I don't have to treat it with antidepressants right? As for Kristen I'm worried anyone including say my PCP will be able to read it and see NATHAN IS GOING TO LIE TO EVERYONE TO GET TREATED AS A HUMAN. That's my concern. Kristen still deserves to lose her license. Mike gave me real anxiety but he wasn't wrong. I just don't know how you find the information.

Anyways this is my head:

I wish I had lotion. That wasn't like extreme lotion for my hands that fall apart from washing them.. as a bald guy I should know better than to shave more than once every 4 or 5 days. I forgot when I used to shave every other day my skin got mad. That's why I started buzzing it with no gaurd instead.

Anyways I'm a warrior for fighting all these mental health issues and doing everything I do, it's hard and I feel like a warrior with an arrow in my knee or something but I'm still fighting, blood stained and partially dead, but more alive than I've ever been cause I love this guy and he is worth fighting for:

Silverstein is my vice atm. Silverstein is becoming my favorite band tbh. I like, like 50 of their songs lol idk if they top linkin park but it's fucking close.

[shewrites24742]

On The Edge 🥺❤

Hello, hello, anybody out there? Cause I don't hear a sound, alone, I don't really know where the world is, but I miss it now, I'm out ON THE EDGE and I'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs, sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright, but its never enough, cause my echo, is the only voice coming back and shadow is the only friend that I have. Listen I would take a whisper if that is all you had to give, but it isn't, is it? You could come and save me, and try to chase the crazy right out of my head!

So it's me here, life looks easy but it wasn't bitch. From childhood, I had suffered a lot, always being sick. When I was 7years old my doctor said to my parents that I'm suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention deficit disorder, general anxiety disorder, and possibly bipolar disorder. My mom started crying when she got to know about my problems and I was looking at her saying in my mind, " Bitch tell me what does it mean?" But they didn't tell me what it is. At the age of learning basic things, I was eating medicines. I don't remember much between the ages of 8 to 12. Just that the world moves fast and my brain moves slow. And every now and then, if I focused too closely on the way I breathed, I'd die. Until every second of every day, you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety, and quite frankly my mom asked me " What's wrong honey?" I just replied to her "I'm just fucking exhausted." And at some point, you have to make a choice about who you are and what you want.

And there I have more problems with everything I couldn't focus on anything. When I try to focus I just failed up. So on my grades felled down. My dad and even my mom lost hope. Sometimes I never knew which day it is. I lost my mind I lost everything I was feeling that way. And the habit of eating too heavy doses of medicine makes me feel like im just dreaming things. Not in the real world. I had good friends too but I wasn't even bothering that they even with me or fucking someone new. So as im saying the world is moving so fast and my brain wasn't. I was dumb enough. And the next thing we got knew about my dad. He was diagnosed with cancer. My family's main pillar was sick. But I was not in the real world.

Or to be honest, anyone capable of giving an iota of good fucking advice and I know it all seems sad but guess what? I didn't build this system, nor did I fuck it up. But because of my mom telling me all the time about my dad being diagnosed with things. I was coming to the real world like yes my dad, he's sick we have to help him out. I used to give him medicines all day on time. We used to laugh a lot, crack jokes and watch tv shows. Our favorite shows which we had. But when my dad slept once. I don't know what comes to my mind. I just took his pills from the bottle I put down in my mouth. I was not conscious so just I forget about him and did the fucking shit which I wanted. I don't know what kind of dose the pill has. But when I took I knew I was addicted to it. And so on I slept with my dad. The next day we got to know that my dad was no more in the world. We all got panicked. And we all don't know what happened just. What happens that night. People were saying shit about us. But we didn't care. So we move on. And so I am too. But when I try to remember that night what happened I got to know something weird. My dad was calling my name out but I took the pills so I didn't wake up. He wanted to drink water he try to wake me up. But I didn't. Then he tried to get up from the bed but he fell so hard and he lost it. This happens in front of my eyes but I was not in the real world.

When I remember it. I looked at my room and stayed there. I took the bottle of my mom's pills and start eating them when I wanted. It was not in my control to stop it. But I was addicted to it so I didn't stop. And remembering all the memory I had with my dad and crying out loud cause it's me who was drugged and faint that time and who let my dad die. I never wanted this pain in my heart to be so big and I didn't realize that what I have now. I just try to be alone away from the world. I was ready to run away from my house. But my mom woke up so I didn't. I took the pills and slept again in my other world. I was living in the real world but I wasn't feeling it anyway. So I let myself be in the other world which is so cool, blur as the memories I have. I felt like my soul is standing ON THE EDGE of the cliff where life and death intertwined waiting for its pain to rest. I can't feel the morning on my face ain't a pill that I didn't take, just alive trying. Cause it's been a long day, cause I'm in sleep when I RIP. I lost the hope that I have. I'm not able to stop taking pills. And there I was depressed in my thoughts being in the other world feels good to me.

After some weeks I went to school again, and the same shit happened. People were talking about me a lot and that thing I never bothered I bought some pills I went to the toilet and drop 2 pills on the flusher tank. I don't know what I was doing but that thing of wanting the dose. So I drop 2 pills on it took the ID card out tap on the pills and make them crush like a powder and took the shit in my nose. And there I felt peace. That peace which I wanted always. I don't know how it works but it felt so good when I took it. After a few days, one of my classmates throws a party at his home so all were invited even me. So at the night, I joined my besties to go to the party. When reach I just saw one guy selling something in the tiny little bags. So as usual I asked him what it is. He gave the shit to me as free. I don't know why he did but he gave. So I went to the toilet made it as ashes and took the shit in my nose. And then it happens, that moment when your breath starts slow, and every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen that you have. And everything stops your heart, your lungs, then finally your brain. And everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks and suddenly you give it air again, give it life again, I remembered the first time that happen to me, I got so scared want to call 101. Go to the hospital and be kept alive from the machines and apple juice. But I didn't want to look like an idiot and didn't want to fuck up everyone's night and then overtimes it's all I wanted those two seconds of nothingness. I was in addiction and I went to the guy who had given me those pills I just kept my head on his shoulder he took me inside of my classmate's home. And we were on the sofa where I slept on the lap of a drug dealer and there he touched my!

......to be continued 😶

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

I might finally be able to sleep, but tonight I had to drive a former student of mine to the ER.

She was literally having a seizure in my roommate's arms and trying to indicate that she had to go to the ER in Reno instead of here in town because our (privately-owned) hospital doesn't take her insurance. I had to reassure her that if it's an emergency, yes, Medicaid will pay the hospital. Everything became very clear at that point, and I instructed the roommate to try and gain her attention when possible. She wasn't always lucid, but giving her a familiar voice to focus on helped. Roommate was panicking badly.

I then had to take all of her vitals, record all of her symptoms, and ascertain what she'd taken medication-wise today, because I'm a semi-trained former medical professional and my roommate was having a panic attack and my student was seizing and neither of us could actually go into the ER with her because Donald fucking Trump fucked around and found out, so the ERs are all on lockdown.

Anyone know how to get a pulse oximeter cheap? Or an iron testing kit? Because she couldn't breathe but her throat wasn't swollen and there was no fluid in her lungs and they diagnosed her with anxiety even though she was a step away from a fucking grand mal seizure when she hasn't had one of those in 15 years. Oh and maybe? A bad reaction to the steroidal anti-inflammatory she was prescribed by her heart doctor. Despite the fact that she's been feeling off and leading up to this for waaaay longer than the three days leading up to this. Sure, the Prednisone may have exacerbated a condition, but it definitely didn't cause it.

Anyway, that was my night. I've been trying to come down ever since. Even trying to get Pietro off my fucking animal crossing island didn't help, because he actively stresses me out. Fuck that character in particular. *sigh*

The nature of my anxiety disorder is that if something is going down in my own personal life, I'll shut down and have a nervous breakdown. But if it's not directly me being affected, I go very calm and collected and begin taking care of shit. Mom friend override on overdrive. This is good, of course, because I have the knowledge and ability to literally save lives, among other things.

The cost is that when the emergency has passed, I have an even worse nervous breakdown. The little voice at the back of my head going, "Don't worry! You can freak out later!" suddenly shuts up and there's nothing left to fill the silence. Klonopin and my nighttime meds helped exactly not at all. I finally put music on and it calmed me down.

Of course, it's now almost time to take my daytime meds. Yaaaay.

[to-calm-anxiety]

I can't believe myself

I can't believe how far I've come.

you have no idea.

first of all I'm happy most of the time, I'm dating the guy I talked about before (not officially but it's super close to get official) so I will have a real boyfriend in a few weeks I feel. He's amazing, although I do have a few doubts but I don't want my insecurities to get the best of me. But it's like, I'm doing so well that I'm able to make out with him without remembering my trauma (which is crazyyyy). Like I hadn't been able to French kiss with anyone before without panicking.

my psychologist is so proud of me and I'm so proud of myself.

I've been trying to not give a fuck about things that aren't as important or I cannot change, and that's been working great for me.

I'm a total different person than I was last year.

I'm happy, more confident, I'm dating somebody (which all my friends and sisters met), patients and nurses love me at work (and they trust me more than the other doctor), I go to the gym, I'm a total different person.

I went to the psychiatrist today, she started lowering the dosis of the medications she prescribed (which is good)

And I'm happy although I've noticed that my mood depends a lot on the guy I'm seeing. Like when I'm not with him I miss him and when he's out with friends I get all worried but when I'm with him I'm just happy.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me at first with Panic Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder with anxiety symptoms.

she also said, that I might have a generalized anxiety disorder but it might be covered with the symptoms of my trauma.