#i have always known that if i got pregnant i would get an abortion

[mbat]

im thinking about the post again that shows what a fetus/embryo REALLY looks like until the 10th week. its poetic to me in a weird way, cause i keep comparing it mentally to every image ive seen from anti-choicers who insist that babies basically always look like babies from week 1 to week 40.

i remember the first time i was introduced to this issue, to make it short, it was summer 2016 and i was a 13 year old kid on a trip to washington dc with my grandparents, and in front of the white house was anti-choice protestors with their signs showing that typical image of a red blob in the shape of a baby laying on someones fingers.

and honestly, despite taking the side of being pro-choice the moment i understood the issue after that point, that image was still one that always played in my mind. that ugly little red blob. nothing and no one had ever combatted that image until a few weeks/months ago when i finally saw the truth.

its just insane to me, is all. people hide the truth or straight up lie about reproductive issues all the time, and its disgusting that people cant just be normal about half the populations bodies, but the one thing we all experience in some way or another, and its one of the most wide-spread lies ever. we were all in the womb once... we were all that clump of cells. and yes, i do mean clump of cells.

say what you will about the website this is from but thats not the point here, the article and images are. just a pre-warning, the images are a little gross, but not too bad imo.

[alexiroflife]

Hello! May I request an angsty toji fic where reader finds out she's pregnant (post megumi) and she knows toji doesn't want anymore children so she just kinda leaves with little to no explanation? Maybe just a small note saying things aren't working out. It's up to you if it will be a hurt/comfort. Idk you don't have to do this request I don't want to overload you! I seriously love your writing. The way you right the character just warms my heart. I especially love ur hiding an Injury fic it was SO SO SO GOOD. 🩶🤍🖤

“promise”

toji fushiguro x reader

Synopsis: see above

to sum it up: you think it’s better to run away than to be the one to get hurt

WC: 5,668

Warning(s): angst, suggestive themes, yelling, pregnancy, mentions of abortion

You stare down at the plastic tube clutched in your trembling hands in awe, eyes blown with shocked grief as you peer closer to get a better look, as though those two bright pink lines could have been a trick of your vision.

Unfortunately, however, your vision remains just as crystal clear as it always has been. As you stand in your cramped apartment bathroom, illuminated by a flickering fluorescent gaze shining down from above, horror befalls you.

You’re pregnant.

You should have known sooner when you began feeling queasy every morning, taking trips to either your or Toji’s toilet to hurl out the contents of whatever swam inside your stomach. You always tried to be silent if Toji was around, for he slept like a dog that could not be woken even if a meteor struck earth, and you had been remarkably exhausted. You aren’t even sure if there is a word to describe how sluggish your entire mind and body had been feeling, but you wanted to rule out the very obvious answer to your problems before exploring it.

You begin to panic, your heart pounding in your ears and throat and every inch of your body you could feel the pulse, eyes blurry over the positive test. You’re conflicted. You don’t know how to feel. On the one hand, you would have been jumping for joy to learn that you are starting a new life with your boyfriend, to step into a new chapter of your lives and to provide his children with another sibling.

But hell, the celebration is far too naive and implausible to be had. The sage eyed man has told you time and time again that he does not wish to have anymore kids, that the ones he has are enough and he is not equipped financially or mentally to care for another brat. In honor of those wishes, you’re on the pill, and consequently, Toji has taken the opportunity to plow his load inside of you time after time after time.

And you really, truly should have known that with Toji’s uniquely abled body, what was meant to serve as a barrier and a means of contraception did not work.

You feel like throwing up. What would Toji say? What would he do? What are you supposed to do? Should you tell him, fill him in on what’s going on to risk rejection and abandonment, a nasty habit that Toji had to work to rid himself of when he met you? Would he even care? Would he listen?

You know Toji to be a very tough man, despite the softened interior he attempts to hide in others’ company that is only displayed for you and for his kids. If he has always been adamant about one thing, it’s been to never have kids again, to focus on where he fucked up before and to pour his attention into the little family he’s grown, the one that he has now.

His voice echoes through your head like the gong of a church bell striking upon the ear’s of a sinner.

“Hell, I already got my hands full tryna get Megumi through his teenage years. What the hell is another child gonna do for us?”

“That shit’s fuckin’ expensive. Not to mention, I’d have to baby proof the house again. That’s another expense.”

“If I was capable of givin’ you y’er own, I would, doll. But I ain’t cut out for it. You know that.”

You don’t even know why he would stress the matter so often. You suppose he’s caught the way your eyes linger on a mother tossing their giggling baby up and down into the air, innocent pools of joy beaming down at her each time it reaches the air and lands in her secure hold. Or maybe he’s seen the way you care so deeply for Toji’s kids as though they are your own, despite telling you when you first got involved with each other that he did not expect you to step into their lives in anyway - and yet, you have done that and more. You know how the kids must struggle each day with the trauma of losing their mother so early on, and you never wanted them to think that you were trying to step in as her replacement, but you love them so clearly, as much as you love the man who created them.

Which leads you to your next concern. How would the kids react?

It’s one thing for you, as their father’s girlfriend, to wander into their lives and help navigate them their teenage hood alongside the dark haired man, but to introduce an entire other child only leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

They may be crushed. They me turn to hate you, to despise how you have contaminated the life they have worked so hard to rebuild after numerous tragedies. And would Toji agree with them? Would he turn his nose up to you, that scowl of his melting over his harsh features as he shuns you just as he shunned every other woman who came after his wife and before you. Would he leave you? Would he kick you out of the world that has become your own because you failed to live up to your promise, though it technically isn’t your fault that you are pregnant now but it feels as though it is?

You can not stand the thought, of the man you love turning his once loving gaze stone upon the sight of you, of him pushing you further away, permanently, in the same manner that he tried to when he realized that he was falling in love with you, of watching Megumi and Tsumiki turn their backs to you as though the past four years of your lives had never happened, banning you from their acceptance forever more.

Tears well in your gaze, interfering with your vision. This can not be happening, you think to yourself, everything has been going so well, and now this? This is going to ruin your relationship with Toji for good. Even if you were not in a committed relationship with him, you assume that the idea of any woman getting impregnated by Toji would have been thrown away. You would be thrown away, just like all the others who gave Toji their bodies but not their hearts.

Not the way you have.

Your heart clenches thinking of just how much you love Toji and the kids, of how you would be willing to lay down your own life for the sake of them as Toji swears that he would for you all in return. Even so, despite the commitment to you that a man who swore never to be committed to accustomed, this would be going too far.

…You’re not even sure if he would love you anymore.

Now that you’re pregnant with his child, a child he never meant to have with you, you assume you will mean nothing to him any longer. In his eyes, you will simply become the slut that he took a chance on by a whim, carrying something he would never call his own. You believe the old Toji will resurface, the one who claimed not to care, the one who shoved women out of his bedroom before the sun rose in the sky, the one who often failed to remember to pick his kids up from school, the one who would no longer meet you at eye level but look down upon you, frown upon you for being so clumsy.

You know Toji is the one who did this, but this still feels like it is your doing. Like somehow, you trapped him and he now has no choice but to break free from the steel cage you have barred around him with your conception.

Your fingers clutch over the plastic, your eyes scrunching closed to release a fresh set of tears that cascade over your cheeks and onto the test. You can feel yourself mourning your relationship already, you can feel it slipping through your fingers, see it fading in the distance until it becomes nothing but a bittersweet memory that you can not determine as reality or a figment of your imagination any longer.

You tilt your head, bringing the test to your forehead as you think, grieve, cry. You mull over your options; you could hide this from Toji, get an abortion and never think of it again or you could tell Toji and lose him forever.

You open your bleary eyes, lashes decked with dewy tears, as another idea dawns upon you. You could leave, leave before Toji and the kids have a chance to leave you.

It’s a cruel thought, you think, especially abandoning those children without any proper explanation for them, but what else are you meant to do? You’d be doing them all a favor if anything by taking your leave without them having to be plagued by the knowledge of your unplanned pregnancy, of what they may view as a scheme to destroy their family in your new baby’s wake.

The thought kills you to even entertain. You had promised those kids that you weren’t going anywhere, that you’d stay with them for as long as they allowed you… but this is different. This is not what any of you had in your cards, how you believed your futures to go. Toji wants simplicity at home while he works through chaos through his occupation. He wants security, warmth, safety for you, Megumi, Tsumiki, and no one else. He would never welcome another child. You believe he’d be caught dead before approving of your pregnancy.

And therefore, you know what you have to do.

After taking a few more tests to ensure that the readings are accurate, which they are, you pledge to walk away. You pledge to leave the only man you’ve ever truly loved, the strongest family you’ve known, and the slim possibility that despite Toji’s wishes, he may accept you.

But you don’t want to take that chance and risk the humiliation and unplanned heartbreak. You’d much rather take matters into your own hands, and plan the shattering of your soul yourself.

You don’t sleep all night, for you’re too busy drafting about twenty different letters to Toji. Crumpled loosleaf paper litters the floor beside your bed as you try to think of how to best write down everything you want to say. You go through pages and pages until you are finally satisfied with the result, and the next morning, you slip the envelope into his mail slot and prepare to pack your life away.

It is late Sunday morning when Toji rises from his slumber. The first thing he does is lean over the sheets and drape his arm toward his nightstand to read your daily good morning text - only he finds there isn’t one. With pinched brows, he takes his phone to unlock it and visit your contact. Nothing.

The time reads 12:35 pm. Normally, you’re up and at it or even banging down his door by then to wake him. Maybe you’re just sleeping in?

He goes to give your cell a call, but nothing. Not only that, but your phone is also on do not disturb mode. His gut immediately swells with the suspicion that something is wrong. The dark haired assassin supposes he’s going to pay you a visit this afternoon as soon as he checks on the kids to ensure that they are alright.

His bedroom door opens with a creak, and he calls out to the teens gruffly through a yawn. When they don’t respond, he’s truly growing concerned.

He rounds the corner to prepare to head for their rooms when he finds Tsumiki and Megumi at the dining table. His brows furrow, his pace slowing as he takes in their faces. Tsumiki’s lips are pressed together tightly and the muscles in her face are scrunched as though she is about to cry, while Megumi stares ahead with empty eyes and a hardened exterior.

Toji frowns with quirked brows, approaching his kids. “What’s wrong with you two?”

His brunette daughter looks up at him with glassy eyes and wrinkled chin, lashes fluttering while Megumi does not bother to look at his father. Instead, he brings Toji’s attention to a torn envelope and a thick packet of papers pressed beneath the sixteen year old’s palm. Wordlessly, Megumi slides it toward him, brows slanting.

Toji, perplexed, looks between the papers and his children’s troubled faces. What is this letter? Overdue taxes? An eviction notice? That can’t be possible, because you had ensured that Toji and the kids’ place was secure long ago.

He crunches the papers in his hands and picks them up to read. The first thing that catches his eye is your scribbling handwriting, and the following words that send his heart plummeting to his ass:

This isn’t working out.

Toji whips his head up, baffled, and when he meets Megumi’s gaze again, his eyes are ablaze with resentment.

“What the hell did you do?” he growls.

The green eyed man is not even thinking before he’s dialing Shiu’s number, asking him to watch the kids for the next hour or so, and running out of the apartment after throwing rather unconvincing words of assurance over his shoulder to his kids, who are still with disbelief - Tsumiki with devastation and Megumi with rage, for surely his father pushed you away.

Toji does not bother finding a ride, electing to run to your place which is only a few blocks away. You two were just discussing moving in with one another, combining households, and this is what you spring onto him? Not even for him to stumble across first, but his kids who look up to you and love you like their own mother?

Oh, he’s fuming, a rush of emotions taking over his mind as it fuels his speed. The letter you wrote is still crunched in his fist, whipping through the air as he makes his way to you.

Dear Toji,

This is not working out.

But before you rampage and get angry with me, please let me explain. Let me explain how much I love you, how much those kids mean to me, and how every day I wake up I want to be greeted by all of your smiling faces. For the rest of time, forever. You are undoubtedly the only man for me, and I truly believe that. I know you may think I’m bullshitting because of how the beginning of this letter contradicts what im saying now, but it’s true. I have never loved another person the way I love you, and while it scared me at first when you were so stubborn and full of anger that you misdirected onto me, I stayed and I waited and I helped you and I’ve loved you through every single moment, ever week, every month, and every year. You brought purpose back into my life, and I can picture you scoffing because you’d say the same, but I mean it. You, Tsumiki, and Megumi are the best things that have ever happened to me. I love you all so much.

But in this case, that love is not enough.

I hate to be doing this to you, to the kids, but I have no other choice. Things aren’t going the way they used to, and it’s not your fault but mine. I’m the reason. And it is tearing me apart to know that and simultaneously know what I have to do in order to keep you and the kids happy. Stable. I wish I could explain to you more why I am doing this, but I can’t. Not just because I am dying to picture you reading this, but because I truly can not say. I do not want to ruin you guys’ image of me. While I think that’s a selfish thing to say because who knows how me leaving is going to hurt you all, you would not understand even if you knew the reason behind this.

By the time you are done reading this, I will be gone. I’m going away because as long as I am not with you all, I can’t stay here anymore. I am staying with my mother while I get my travel plans arranged, because I know how you worry when you do not know where I am or if im safe. I should be gone by Friday.

Please do not come see me. I have made my decision, and you will only be hurting us more by trying to stop me. I won’t be stopped.

Kiss and hug and apologize to Megumi and Tsumiki for me. I hope you find someone who fills the role of their mother, someone who knows how Megumi likes to do his homework in the silence of his room with no music or anything, completely isolated so he can focus. Someone who knows how to fix Tsumiki’s eggs properly - to add extra butter to the sides when you fry them so the edges get crispier. Someone who won’t try to feed Gumi’a demidogs because he hates when people assume they can coddle up to them upon first introduction. Someone who cares for the wholly the way I do and always will.

And you. I know how stubborn you are. I know how angry you probably are at me right now, and I will miss that about you, but please do not let that interfere with the possibility of falling in love again. Beneath the layers of grit, standoffishness, and indifference, you are a man with a big heart. For me. For your kids. For those you love and seek to protect.

You say you aren’t a good man, and while that may be true to you, you are an amazing partner and you’ve already become an amazing parent. I’ve seen you grow, and I am so in love with you and so proud of you. I know you’ll be okay without me. It maybe take some time, but you’ll adjust to what’s best. I promise.

With all the love that could possibly be harbored in this world, you are everything to me and that is why I have to go. I wish you every happiness this planet can offer you, and I know that without me, you can begin to find joy again.

Love,

Your doll

You had believed to time this perfectly, for you know that Toji usually does not wake until one, so soon as you are finishing up packing, you are trudging down the stairs to the leasing office to inform them that you will be moving.

You push open the door to the first floor, the breeze hitting you gently, and you round the corner only to be blocked by the last person you wanted to run into during this time.

Your eyes widen as you look up, the burly figure you have grown oh so familiar with over the years heaving as though enraged, ivy eyes crowding over slim pupils as Toji glares down at you, an image of indescribable fury.

Your heart drops and your words die in your throat. “T-Toji?” you whisper, horrified of an outburst. You are rattled by fear, having been so unprepared to walk into this. You did not put it past him to chase you down. But you figured that you’d be at your parents by the time he woke. Then, you could have at least told them to tell him off at the door.

But no. Instead, here he is, six feet and then some of bulking mass as he takes quick, deep breaths that expand the entirety of his chest.

You shift. “What are you doing here-“

“What the fuck is this?”

Toji swiftly, yet aggressively, lifts the papers in his hands, now damaged by his travels and his grip, shaking it firmly with the question. You gulp, lowering your eyes.

“Toji, I told you not to come…”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he swears firmly, and you jump, looking to see if anyone is around to hear you, as the two of you are standing outside your complex.

“We shouldn’t be- let’s just go inside,” you go to grab his arm, but he tears it away. He stares at you as though you have burned him, singed the heart in his chest from the inside out, and he is so unforgiving. So unforgiving before he hears directly from your mouth what this is about.

“I’m not doin’ shit until you tell me what the fuck this is, (Y/n),” he demands, his hand moving the papers about passionately with his speech, and you feel your heart hammering again. This is not how things were supposed to go. You are not supposed to be seeing him right now. “Cause I refuse- I fuckin’ refuse to believe that you’re breaking up with me.”

Your eyes gloss over as you look down at your feet, unsure of what to do or how to handle this confrontation. You can’t do this. You can’t, it’s too much. It’s too hard.

“…I am,” you mumble.

Toji steps forward, leaning down to get a peek of your face, his expression so angry that it worries you. “What?”

“I said… I am.”

“Uh uh, you better say that shit with your chest if you can write a whole damn letter about it,” he growls, fucking further as you continue to turn away. “Look at me,” he barks, and you cringe.

“Toji, don’t yell at me!” you shout back.

“What else do’ya want me to do, huh?” he throws his hands up. “How else do you expect me to react to this bullshit?! You’re leavin’ me? After everythin’ we been through, after everythin’ you and the kids’ve been through, you’re leavin? Are you fuckin’ serious?”

He takes a swift glance at the papers, the very sight sending him into a spiral, before he’s heatedly looking back down at you.

“I don’t buy this shit for one second. No. You’re not leavin’. Not in this world, or the next.”

“I am, Toji, the quicker you accept that, the easier it’ll be for everyone!”

“Easy?” he winces as though the prospect pains him. “You call this shit easy? You call up and tryin’ to abandon me easy? You call the kids waking up to your letter and reading it at the table before I saw it easy?”

Your face falls. “…what?”

“Yeah. You fuckin’ heard me,” he sneers. “Megumi and Tsumiki read this shit first. First thing in the morning, they see a letter about how the woman they love is leavin’ ‘em, just like their mom did, and for what?”

You close your eyes, his words stinging you as they cut through. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not? It’s true, ain’t it? Y’er leavin’ us, (Y/n), and you didn’t even have the decency to say why!”

Guilt crowds you, like a blanket of darkness consuming you from overhead, and as Toji stands before you completely torn apart by your letter, you see the fear in his eyes, the sadness, the unspoken plea for you not to go.

You try your best to keep your composure as you turn away again. “I told you, I can’t tell you.”

“Fuck that,” he lifts the letter and tosses it to the ground with a thud. You gasp, watching it slam to the concrete pavement.

“Toji!” you exclaim.

“You think you can just leave without me comin’ to hunt you down and see your face so I can figure out what the hell is goin’ on? You must not know me at all.”

“Why do you always have to be so aggressive about everything?!”

“Of all fuckin’ things, (Y/n), I think I got a right to be aggressive about this. You were gonna leave without sayin’ goodbye!” he tosses his arm out to the side with the exclamation, brows twisting and teeth bearing. “Is that what our relationship means t’ya? You think you can just toss us aside?”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” you beg, a lump forming in your throat as the two of you stand face to face, arguing without a car about who will see you.

“Then tell me,” he shouts. “Cause you’re not givin’ me shit to go off of!”

“I told you already, I can’t,” your lips quiver.

“Then our relationship is nothing to you.”

“No, Toji.”

“Clearly it ain’t, cause I’d think it’d be worth an explanation if you’re runnin’ away!” you frown and shake your head, turning to walk back into the complex when Toji cuts you off, moving in your way. “You don’t think I know you? You don’t think I see it all over your face that somethin’s got you scared, and y’re takin’ off because of it? You think I don’t know what that looks like, (Y/n)? I did that shit. I did it all the damn time before I met you, and hell, I tried to run then but you wouldn’t let me, so what the hell makes you think I’m gonna let you now?”

“This is different,” you say shortly, afraid to reveal the tremble of your voice to the man before you. You keep your gaze down as you try to go around him again, but to no avail. He steps in your path. “Stop!”

“I ain’t stoppin’,” he says gravely, keeping his eyes to yours though you try to avoid contact with them. “Not until you spit it out. I’ll be damned if I got another broken home cause y’re fuckin’ scared.”

“I said stop!” you try to find some bass in your voice, but against your will, it falters when you yell. Toji eyes you carefully, reaching his hand out to grip your shoulder and steady you into place.

You scoff, attempting to pull away, but it’s no use. The dark haired man is everywhere, keeping you from walking away.

“You talk to me like the grown ass woman you are,” he tells you sternly, stepping in. “You use that voice I know you have, and don’t you ever let me catch you writin’ a letter to me about how you wanna break up instead of comin’ to talk to me. Y’understand?”

You exhale shakily, lips pressing together and brows curling. “I can’t.”

“Y’re still not tellin’ me why you think that.”

“Because I can’t, Toji. I can’t tell you. It’ll- it’ll fuck up everything!” you break, and Toji feels the pit in his stomach shift as he looks over your aggrieved expression, depicting the same exact things he feels.

“(Y/n),” he calls your name firmly, the sound of it on his tongue only inspiring the urge to cry more. You continue to shake your head though Toji isn’t exactly speaking, and his green eyes wander you with frustrated concern. “Y’scared of what I’ll do if you tell me?”

You freeze, slowly peeling your eyes to look at his, his face tense with grief. You stare at him for a moment, mouth gaping like a fish as all of your insecurities that talked you toward this ledge run through your mind once more.

“Don’t look surprised,” he says. “I know you like the back of my hand, and I know that you knew I’d be over here to stop ya.”

Your frown deepens, and this time as you look at him, you see every second of your future that you were quick to stomp dow. You see the unbridled, unfiltered love he holds for you as well as the blood curdling fear of letting you go.

“You have to understand,” you whimper. “I know how you’ll react, I- I can’t do this to you. You have to let me go.”

“What the hell could be so horrifyin’ in that head of yours to make you think that I won’t stick with ya through hell and high water?” he grits out, searching your swollen hues of (e/c) hesitation. “You’d do the same for me.”

“I know, but-“

“There’s nothin’ else to say. I ain’t leavin’ until you spill, and when you do, y’re comin’ with me.”

You look at him, pained. It’s a trap, you think. If Toji only knew, he’d be running for the hills instead of trying to track you down.

“Out with it, now.”

You can’t. You can’t tell him. He’ll leave you, he’ll reject you, he’ll turn you away, he’ll never let you see the kids again.

“(Y/n)!”

“I’m pregnant!”

The earth seems to freeze and time seems to slow. You scrunch your eyes, anticipating the worst to come as Toji takes in your words, his tensed expression melting slowly.

You don’t open your eyes to see his reaction. You keep your head ducked and your fists closed as the white noise of nature flutters into relevance. You’re trembling, terrified, and Toji can not move but instead proceeds to stare at you, stunned.

His words about not wanting any more kids run through your mind again as you await his response, and the suspense kills you as you do. You can feel his grip on your shoulder slacken before tightening again, and you are terrified.

He’s going to leave you.

You are quick to step away when the sentiment arises once more, Toji’s hand falling from you arm. “I’m sorry,” you whisper, still unable to look at him. “I’m sorry, I know that you don’t want any more kids. I know, an I thought we were being careful, but- I took five tests. They’re all positive.”

“You’re pregnant?” he echoes, and you still. You knew it. You knew this would happen.

“I told you, Toji,” you exhale. “I told you that I couldn’t tell you, and now everything’s a mess.”

He twitches. “Hold on-“

“Don’t tell me all of a sudden you want kids,” you snap. “I know how strongly you feel about it.”

“So instead of talkin’ to me, you were gonna leave? Knocked up? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What other choice do I have?!” you cry. “You don’t want more kids, and if I kept it, it would only be a nuisance to you. And Megumi and Tsumiki?”

He scrunches his face. “What about ‘em?”

“How do you think they’d feel if the woman you’re dating after their mother died surprised them with a new baby? They’d be crushed!” you say shakily as salty tears well in your eyes again. “I can’t overstep your boundaries. I just can’t. It’s easier for me to go.”

“And do what, (Y/n)? Raise a kid on your own without any help?”

“I can’t bare you leaving me!” you suddenly confess, tear striking past your cheek.

Toji examines you and frowns. “What are y’talkin’ about? You’re tryin’ to leave me!”

“So I can prevent the inevitable from happening,” you huff. “I’m okay with it. I’ve made peace with everything. That’s why you need to just let me go-“

“After everythin’, you think I’d throw you away because you’re pregnant with my kid?” Toji says incredulously. You falter, for you had been so sure of his reaction before. “You think that low of me?”

“No, but I want you to have what you want.”

“What I want is you, you fuckin’ idiot,” he hisses. “All I ever wanted was you, and I can’t fuckin’ believe you’re tryin’ to take that away from me.”

You furrow your brows, confused. “…You’re not mad?”

“Girl, I’m livid,” he scowls. “Not about the damn kid, but because you assumed what I would say before comin’ to me.”

“Toji, you have to understand that I was trying to look out for you.”

“There’s not lookin’ out for me or those kids or makin’ them happy if you’re gone, (Y/n),” he bites. “Who th’fuck put that idea in your head?”

You stammer, tears proceeding to flow down your face as you reel in the reality of the situation. “I… I just thought-“

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

Before you can respond, his hand is gripping your wrist and he’s tugging you toward him into his chest. You shake when you fall into him, listening to the pace of his heart rapidly beating against your ear as he breaths quickly against you. Large palms smooth over your head and down to your waist as he holds you tightly, and you notice how desperate his grip is. He’s holding you like he’s afraid you’ll disappear, as though you’ll fly away if his hold is not tight enough.

He tucks his head into your neck, fingers grasping into your shirt, and suddenly the animosity of the moment prior is gone. You’re still trembling, leading Toji to hold you tighter to him.

“Can’t believe you tried to leave,” he murmurs into your hair. “Christ, (Y/n) you’re tryin’ to gimme a heart attack. The fuck is goin’ on with you.”

“I’m sorry,” you mumble into his chest, looking off sadly. “I thought you’d be upset about it. I didn’t want you to know.”

“I should know about any and every single thing that’s goin’ on with you, y’hear me? This ain’t no exception.”

A weight flutters from your shoulders as you sink into Toji’s head, silent tears streaming for the life you almost sacrificed. “What are we gonna do?”

“I dunno,” he mumbles. “But we’ll figure it out. As a team. Alright?”

You nod meekly. “Okay.”

He groans, pressing himself impossibly further to you. “That letter… fuck, don’t do that shit. Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that. Without you, I ain’t shit- pregnant or not. And those kids would adore another sibling if you were bringing it into this world. Don’t say that shit about them again either. They need ya. We need ya.”

“I’m sorry,” you whine again, Toji’s hand stroking over your back soothingly.

“It’s okay,” he grumbles. “We’ll figure it out.”

[crossingthedreams]

medication — gregory house x f!reader

a/n: posting this late, as always, for @angstober day 06 — medication. this is inspired by a real life scenario that happened with someone I know. please, if you’re suffering through any sort of violence, reach the authorities. I am not, nor will ever be, specialized help, but I am available to listen in my dm’s should anyone need to vent. always, always, always put your safety and well being first. 

summary: you meet your former lover once more, but in the worst possible scenario. 

word count: 584

warnings: domestic violence. angst. horrible relationship dynamics. mentions of family death. abortion. mentions of past relationships. reader is injured. 

TRIGGER WARNING. Domestic violence. Abortion. Please proceed with care. 

“You should leave him”.

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at the man at the door. Instead, you kept your gaze fixed on the medication falling in small drops from the transparent package into your veins. 

Hospital rooms had such a surreal vibe to them. Nothing seemed real, as if the words you uttered in there weren’t important and would have no impact on your actual day-to-day life. 

It was why you brought yourself to say, still not taking your eyes from the clear medication. “I wish I could”. 

You heard his steps approaching, hitting the floor rhythmically with his cane. 

His staff must have been so confused when he decided to be the attending doctor on your case. It was almost funny imagining the reactions, even though you never met the three young doctors working under his wing. 

You weren’t a mystery, and your case was just boring. You fell down the stairs and broke a couple of ribs, and got a black eye in the process. Nothing much, right? 

Wrong. And Gregory House saw right through you. 

He knew very well you didn’t fall, and he knew that black eye was a result of a very specific injury. 

In all the years he’d known your family, he never would have imagined you would lie for a man who was hurting you. 

The thing is, he didn’t know the whole story. The nuances, the finances. The reasons why you couldn’t just get up and leave. You didn’t deserve to leave.

You turned your face towards him. He was close enough now, so much so you could see the specks of light green in the baby blue of his eyes. He put a folder carefully on the movable table in front of you, and seemed to ponder on what to say next. 

You didn’t want to hear it. “There’s a lot of strings attached”, you simply said, hoping this would end the matter once and for all. “You knew my father and you are a smart guy, you can figure it out”.

“You’re pregnant.”

“No, I’m not.”

He tilted his head. “Sorry, who is the doctor here again?”

You shook your head, as if the motion itself could stop reality. Your eyes filled with tears, but you didn’t want to cry. Not here, not in front of him.

“You don’t have to go through with this. And I mean both the pregnancy and whatever hell you are living back home”, he said in the sweetest way he knew how. He took a small bottle from his coat and held it out in front of you. “Take one pill, and he’ll never know. Doctor-patient confidentiality”.

You smiled a little, mostly because of his tone. House never tried to be funny, but at least he was trying to lighten the mood.

“Your father was a terrible man, and I hated him almost as much as he hated me. Of course, he didn’t sleep with my daughter, so there’s that”.

You rolled your eyes, which hurt due to the bruises. But still, the small smile lingered. House brought up the torrid affair you two shared before your father passed very rarely, and never without a motive.

“You should leave him, kid”, he repeated. Your smile faded, and your face showed only pain. “If you ever need anything, you have my number, my work address and my home address. Call me”. 

He left the bottle of medication on the table before leaving. Confidently for once, you took it. 

[lees-chaotic-brain]

How would jjk men react to reader being pregnant with quadruplets?

Feat. Gojo, Yuta, Inumaki, Nanami, Megumi, Itadori (all characters are aged up)

Note: I did headcanons for this request because there were so many characters I wanted to include, and it would get a little boring to write the same scenario out in a full fledged fic like seven times. However, if there are one or two that you want me to turn into proper fics lmk!! I had to do research on pregnancy for this bc it's been awhile since my high school health class

CW: pregnancy, implied thoughts of abortion ig, mentions of fear regarding labor, AFAB reader bc, yk, pregnancy, one singular swear word

Word Count: 1.2k

JJK Masterlist | Blog Navigation

Gojo

I feel like Gojo would think you were joking at first, and wouldn’t believe you until you got frustrated and he finally realized you were being for real. He would have mixed emotions. On one hand, he was excited to have a big family and a house full of laughter and love. On the other hand, he was afraid, because more babies meant more defenseless mini-people for him to protect.

He had only known that he was going to be a father of quadruplets a few minutes ago, but he already knew that it would destroy him if he ever lost one of them. That he would gladly give his life for them. And then there was the matter of you. He already knew that childbirth was difficult for women, but quadruplets?? Childbirth was something that even he couldn’t protect you from and that terrified him. 

After a serious discussion in which he made sure you were okay with the added risks and you continuously reassured him that this was what you wanted, he settled down and began imagining a future for your family. Until he realized that he would have to share your love with four little gremlins who would surely take after their clingy father. Then it suddenly seemed less appealing.

Yuta

Baby boy would be shooketh. Because he’s sorry please don’t be mad at him and oh you’re not mad at him and the two of you are having quadruplets well technically you are but he’s the dad and oh god what if he’s not good at being a dad and-

You would have to calm him down as he fell into a downward spiral. Once you had properly reassured him, and he had fully absorbed the information he was ecstatic. He has always wanted a big family, and together the two of you were making that dream come true. Cuddling up to you he would thank you for loving him and gifting him with the many kids he had always dreamed of having.

He for sure would be the type to rub your stomach and whisper sweet nothings to the growing babies in your womb, telling them how much daddy loves them and how excited he is to meet them.

He would also start baby-proofing every square inch of your house before you had even started your second trimester.

Inumaki

He would be in shock. Because he put- wait how many??? babies in you. There was no way he heard you right. There was no way that you were pregnant with quadruplets. Because, wait, he didn't sign up for this! Yeah, he wanted tons of kids, but four babies at a time was a lot. And the strain it would have on your body was concerning as well. 

After he stopped opening and closing his mouth as he gaped at you, he managed to organize his thoughts. First he wanted to make sure you even wanted that many kids because, well, it wouldn’t be easy to give birth to or take care of that many. Once you had reassured him that you were, in fact, sure that you wanted to go through with the pregnancy and that you were prepared for whatever the future held for your not-so-little family he took a moment to process his own emotions.

At first he was conflicted. Sure he was excited, but he held his own private reservations. What if something went wrong during labor? What if he wasn’t cut out to be the parent of one kid, let alone four. But as the months sped by and your stomach grew, the anticipation grew, until one day he let go of any and all trepidation and allowed himself to be optimistic.

He also bought tons of matching onesies for the whole family.

Nanami

Ever the responsible adult and caring husband, first he sat you down and had a serious discussion about the pros and cons of having quadruplets, and whether or not the risks were worth it. Deep down he was thrilled, but he wanted to make sure the two of you were on the same page and understood what continuing meant.

Once the two of you had established you were going to see this through, and it was something the two of you wanted his planning would begin. First came the research. He thoroughly educated himself on everything regarding pregnancy, learning everything he needed to do to ensure your comfort and the healthy birth of his children.

Expect a special diet plan that fulfills the needs of you and your unborn children in the healthiest way possible, essential oil massages, weekly check-ups starting your second trimester, vitamin gummies and more.

He also would begin saving up because raising four children would be expensive. Would for sure have a whole financial plan set up and college savings accounts set up for each of his children within a week of his learning.

Megumi

Honestly, he wouldn’t have super strong feelings about it. He wanted to be a dad, but he didn’t care if it was one, four, or one hundred. He just wanted to have kids with you, and beyond that as long as you were happy he was too. 

So when you told him, his only response was asking you what you thought about it. When you told him you were excited, he was excited too. He had wanted to build his own family for as long as he could remember, and you were helping him reach his dream. What more could he ask for? The only other thing that mattered to him was that his children had siblings. As a kid he had resented Tsumiki, but as an adult he couldn’t imagine the loneliness he would have experienced growing up without her. So yeah. If you were happy, and his children would have siblings so they would never have to walk through life alone, he was content.

There was nothing more he wanted in life than your love and a family with you.

Itadori

Kids!!! He had wanted a ton of kids, so this was perfect! You were happy with it, so even better! He sees it as a four-in-one deal, and is over the moon. His golden retriever personality becomes even worse when you’re pregnant. Like, this man is at your side 24/7.

Constantly following you around, looking at you with big pleading eyes as he begs to cuddle in bed with you so he can talk to your stomach.

Oh my god talking to your stomach. This man would talk to your stomach more than he talks to you. Asking what your kids want to be named. Telling your unborn babies about his day. That he loves them and can’t wait to meet them. Describes all the fun things the six of you are going to do once they’re born. Definitely tries cuddling your stomach because he ‘wants to know what it feels like to hold his children.’

Also is a little shit that constantly asks ‘are they coming yet? Why not??’

[requinoesis]

do the sharks in your universe go through parthenogenesis? if they do, do they have control over the pregnancy or does it happen at random?

That's a very interesting question! I thought about it and yes, parthenogenesis happens to the sharks in my universe. One of the characters, the zebra shark called Aria, is the fruit of parthenogenesis.

As for the cause, even for our science today, it is still unknown how this works or whether the female shark has control over it in any way. It is not known whether the females trigger the phenomenon or whether it happens spontaneously. I haven't found much information either; it's something very new to us. Recently, a stingray in captivity became pregnant by parthenogenesis, for example. Stingrays belong to the same family as sharks.

As there are few answers at the moment, I decided to take inspiration from a fantasy idea about this. What I'm going to tell you now is a fictional vision of the origin of parthenogenesis:

My shark people theorize that parthenogenesis is a kind of "Shadow of Decline", an ancestral ability inherited by female sharks that withstood mass extinction events in the primordial ages of the planet.

They theorize that there were probably times when the male shark population declined, so the females who were able to adapt to create "backups" of their genes through cloned daughters prevailed, while those who lacked this adaptation became extinct.

In short, they theorize that females, in situations of stress and prolonged absence of male sharks, trigger a clone as a type of genetic reserve. As she gets older, she transfers the responsibility to her cloned daughter, who may have a better chance of finding a partner to pass on her genes and ensure the survival of the species.

In the context of civilization, the conditions for parthenogenesis to take place are still unknown. But my sharks link the phenomenon to a stress response and prolonged life without producing offspring.

Maybe it's not a good comparison, but it would be a kind of menstrual cycle that instead of happening monthly, happens randomly between 10~20 years after sexual maturity. (I used as inspiration a female blacktip reef shark that developed a fetus in her uterus after 10 years of living in an aquarium without the presence of males).

Modern shark society offers full support to females who don't want to go ahead with parthenogenesis and are given full assistance to carry out abortions. But there are also many females who choose to accept the phenomenon, go ahead with the pregnancy and become the mothers of these children, while some females give birth but hand the newborn over to "kindergartens", which act like orphanages/schools/universities that provide full support for the child to grow up and become independent or be adopted.

A reminder that children born from parthenogenesis will always be girls and with identical genes to their mother. Because of this, some females are afraid to go ahead with parthenogenesis, as they fear that their daughters will suffer from the same physical or mental health problems as their mothers.

In the case of zebra shark Aria, her mother has a neurodivergence and she feared that her daughter would suffer as much as she did, but she decided to go ahead with her daughter's parthenogenesis. Despite having the same neurodivergence, she views it with a completely different approach to her mother, which gives her hope and support.

That's it! I'm sorry if I've written too much or if my English is strange, I got carried away, maybe I'm missing more details, but that's what I've thought so far. Any other ideas to enrich this would be welcome!

It's a very interesting creative exercise to imagine how parthenogenesis would be viewed in a civilized society like ours.

[caplanbuckybarnes]

CheaterCheaterBestFriendEater

Summary: After you'd gotten drunk with Tony one night when Steve was away on a mission, you never expected to be heartbroken I the morning.

Warnings: cheating, an abortion (not descriptive, just a brief mention of one), cheater!reader, pisse!steve (honestly, he should have been way more raged lol)

Word Count: 879

@saiilorstars sent in a GIF for a drabble. I'm going to do the Bucky one as well. Sorry, it's late, LOL.

Read on Ao3!

---

You knew from the look in his eyes that he was pissed. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to see that. You’d accidentally sent a text message to him that was meant entirely for someone else. Which, in retrospect, shouldn’t have been a problem. Expect that the text message revealed that you were pregnant.

And it couldn’t have been Steve’s. 

He had been on a mission with the Avengers and Guardians, tracking down half-devoured worlds to help restore them. He had been gone for over two months when you texted him this revealing information.

You felt lonely. You felt depressed. You were alone in the compound with Tony and Bucky. All it took was one lonely and drunk night to find yourself waltzing into Tony’s room first and seducing him, to promise that you wouldn’t tell a soul about your little escapades that night. But little had you known of the consequences. You could have sworn you took your birth control pill that morning. 

But as you looked at the tablet, the day’s previous one was still sealed shut. You waited several days before texting Tony while he ran errands with Bucky before letting him know. But of course, you had clicked on Steve’s pinned message on your phone without thinking before typing the message:

How the fuck am I supposed to fucking tell Steve, who is my goddamn BOYFRIEND, that I slept with one of his best friends and got pregnant? What the actual fuck, Tony?

It was with horror that you realised you’d sent the message to the wrong pinned message. You knew Steve would be arriving home shortly, so you’d been waiting for him on the house porch the four of you shared for bonding.

As he approached you, you stood up, swallowing the vomit that wanted to splatter all over the ground in front of you. “Do you have something you need to get off your chest, Y/N?”

“I’m glad to see you back, Steve,” you smiled at him shyly, not knowing what he was thinking. You always hated it when he was angered. He almost almost shut down his emotions when he was enraged. 

“Is Tony here? Bucky?” He asked, looking past you into the open door, down the house's hallway.

“They’re out getting dinner for all of us,” you swallowed the vomit down once again. You wished he’d just \look\ at you, for fuck’s sake. “Steve, I-”

“Save it,” he demanded, staring at you with pure disgust. “I’ll talk with Tony and see what he says, and I swear to god, if this was a mutual event, you’re not going to like the person I become.” Before you could say a single word in reply, he stormed past you, almost knocking into your shoulder as he leapt up the stairs in one motion.

--

Later that night, you stayed in the bed you shared with Steve, glancing at his empty side every few seconds. He and Tony had gone on a car ride hours earlier, leaving you and Bucky alone in the house. You knew you had fucked up. You knew you were in the wrong. You only hoped that Steve wouldn’t hurt Tony in the process.

Unable to sleep, even hours later, you finally decided to leave the bed and roam into the kitchen downstairs, only to find Tony sitting at the table with an empty beer bottle cradled in between his clasped hands.

“Tony?” you spoke, causing him to lift his head and stare at you. “Where’s Steve?”

“Out in the back chopping wood, I think,” he answered, surprisingly sober. “I told him you promised me you’d abort the damn thing. It was the only way to save both of our asses. It was a drunken mistake, and it never should have happened.” 

“Tony-”

“I’m calling T’challa in the morning to see about transporting you to Wakanda for a few days. Steve had the idea, not me, so don’t yell at me over it. I suggest you go pack about a week’s worth of clothes.”

“It’s the middle of the night, Tony,” you made to go to the back door before Tony stood up to block your way. “He needs sleep, Tony, and so do you and me. I can’t let him keep doing this.”

“Why not?” he replied. "We need the wood for the fireplace anyway. He didn’t kill me, so I think we’re both winning in this situation. Now go pack. I'll have Bucky drive you to the airport in the morning. Shuri will be picking you up from there."

There was no use in arguing with the man. Upstairs, you went to grab a large bag from your closet before going into the closet again and grabbing several outfits for the time you'll be staying in Wakanda.

--

You stayed in Wakanda for almost two months before Steve finally reached out to you with apologies and a desire to return home. He'd said he was deeply upset at your mistrust and still loved you. All you wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms again.

Another few days passed before you were woken up from your sleep to see Steve standing before your bed, holding a bouquet of your favourite flowers.

"It's time to go home, Y/N."

[sanjisblackasswife]

hiii! I saw that you already did dad headcanons, but I was wondering how you think those same boys would react to hearing the news about their s/o being pregnant. And how would they break it to the crew?

A/N: OP Boys As Daddies Here! Enjoy!

Next part will have Cora and Law <3

Monster Trio React to Their S/O Being Pregnant (SFW)

Cw: VERY SLIGHT mentions of abortion

Black Fem Reader in Mind

Ft., Luffy, Zoro, Sanji

Sanji

I mean it was bound to happen.

Not saying Sanji has a breeding kink, but he has a breeding kink. He got with you and just didn’t know wtf pull out meant.

Plus he does not believe in condoms.

But none the less Sanji would be a treat to tell

It was after dinner and you and Sanji were talking as he cleaned and you wanted to let him know gently because he was a very dramatic man.

“Ji… how do you feel about kids?”

He answers you with glee, he loves kids, he always wanted to have a little family of his own with you once you all achieve your goals. It actually ends up calming the nerves you began to have.

You kept asking baby questions and eventually he turned around and caught on.

“Y/N…”

“Hm?”

“Y/n….what are you trynna tell me…”

“….”

“…”

“I am pr—-“

The words didn’t even come out of your mouth yet his eyes lit up like a light and he grabbed you tightly crying on your shoulder not even believing you at first until you brought him the pregnancy test.

He still has it btw.

Sanji somehow had a suspicion you were pregnant. He knows your body better than yourself, so even though he cried a little he was happy that his assumptions were correct.

You both didn’t even sleep that night, you just kept talking about your future. You had to hold him to keep him still he just couldnt stop jumping around

As for how you both announced the pregnancy he wanted to tell everybody at breakfast so he made a feast. When Robin asked what the occasion was he grabbed you by the hand and told everyone.

“Y/N and I….are pregnant.” :)

Luffy: Men can’t get pregnant…

“LUFFY!”

None the less it was super sweet and honestly you becoming pregnant changed him in a pleather of ways.

He became more mature, protective, vigilant, calm, and even slowed down on his simping for other women. Because now that you have his baby inside you

You both are his only focus now.

Zoro

He didn’t believe you but Chopper was the one to tell you both actually which was really cute because they both nearly fainted.

Also He actually doesn’t understand how you could have gotten pregnant

“UM???? YOU CUM IN ME EACH TIME?!”

“Yeah, but i thought after you take a shower it all comes out.”

Bless him

Though his reaction is a bit …delayed best believe he does become happy.

Shocked, but happy.

He will respect your decision whether you want to keep the baby or not but deep inside he hopes you keep it

But thank God you do!

You actually caught him doing that and teased him all day.

He becomes a damn menace though.

He steals parenting books from the library and reads them after training. Even though he acts like having a baby isnt a big deal he is internally panicking.

He wants the best for both you and the baby and it shows in the most annoying way though.

He doesnt even tell the crew yet because he believes them knowing would stress you out

However Zoro is doing that all alone himself

“What are you doing?”

“I cant get up?”

“Its not good for the baby!”

“….i have to pee….AND IM LIKE 2 WEEKS PREGNANT AND IT IS???”

The crew found out because Zoro was upset

You and Zo are known for drinking together alot but of course you stopped and plenty of people began to notice everytime you turned down a drink.

You were sitting on Zo’s lap by the fire with everyone and even Luffy was drinking except you.

“Y/N are you sick? Why arent you drinking?”

“She cant.”

“Why?”

“Because i said so, Luffy.”

“Youre not the boss of Y/N she can drink if she wanna—“

“SHE CAN’T IT’S NOT GOOD FOR THE BABY!”

Cue in the dramatics.

Zoro to this day slaps his head thinking about how harshly he made sure YOU and Chopper won’t spill but he ended up doing it himself.

But his worries were diminished realizing the amount of well support you both got from the crew since then.

Zoro puts your safety above his every single time and actually gets mad when you don’t listen.

He takes more care of hisself and he isn’t too reckless when he is fighting. For the first time in his life he knew his life was worth taking care of for his future family.

Luffy

Doesn’t get it, but he is a good sport

When you and Chopper tell him he just can’t understand???

“Who’s baby is it?”

“YOURS OBVIOUSLY!?”

“I thought you said if i pull out you wouldn’t get—“

“PULLING OUT BEFORE You ejaculate not AFTER—“

Not until you’re about 2 maybe 3 months and showing is when he finally registers he is going to be a dad.

Every month up until then he looks at you and wonders why you don’t drink, fight, or any thing that you usually do until FINALLY Law explains it to him like he’s 5.

Now that he is up to speed about you being pregnant he suddenly becomes pregnant?

You got cravings? So do Luffy.

You want cake and tacos at 2am

Bless Sanji heart because Luffy do too

He actually ends up gaining a little bit of weight but it wasn’t even noticeable really, he trains too the rubber man really just bulked up

Luffy was showing his concern of being a father to Robin alot. He didn’t want to worry you in thinking he didn’t want the kid especially if you were willing to rid of the baby if he suggested.

Overrall during pregnancy he intrust the crew to watch over you when he leaves. He has complete trust to make sure you are okay and well and healthy.

A few cute things is he will have some moments where he stretches out his belly to bump yours, talk to the baby, sing to it, and even place his hat on your tummy always reminding him or her that their daddy will be the king of the pirates.

You honestly believe you having this baby has matured him in ways you didn’t think was possible.

[starlightsuffered]

Bad Father

Info - unplanned pregnancy, abandonment, argument, angst, mention of abortion, curvy reader, light

“Timothée, can you come here please?” I asked softly. I was scared. I knew he wasn’t going to be happy. I felt awful, in fact, that I was happy. I was joyous even. I thought I’d be able to give this dream up, but I guessed I was wrong.

“Hey baby,” he said and pulled me in for a long kiss. His hands drifted down to my love handles which had become more supple lately.

He moaned into my lips as he massaged my skin. I knew that he liked my curves already, I wondered if he’d be even more addicted to my body now? Maybe I could use that to my advantage.

“Fuck baby, you wanna maybe go upstairs?” He asked breathily. His hands were on my ass now. He was squeezing. It was almost absentmindedly as if he could resist me.

“And do what?” I asked, playing dumb.

“Oh I think you know baby girl,” he chuckled.

“I need to talk to you first,” I said steadily.

“Oh,” he said, noting the serious tone of voice I used. He straightened his posture, though the bulge in his pants was obvious.

“I need you to sit down.”

He did what I asked. His brow was furrowed and he held my hands.

“I’m started to get scared,” he said with an awkward chuckle.

“Well, you likely should be,” I trailed off. His eyes grew large and soft.

“Y/n?” He asked.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted. I gulped at his expression. He’d completely paled. He looked as if I’d told him I was terminally ill. Silence yawned before us as his expression looked more and more horrified.

“T-Timmy?” I asked.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” he hissed. I lurched back like he’d slapped me.

“You promised me we wouldn’t- no, this is okay. Abortions are available,” he soothed himself.

“I-I don’t want to have an abortion,” I said slowly.

“You-You-“ he broke off and frustrated tears fell from his eyes.

“Timothée,” I said weakly. “C-can’t you be happy? We’re married and we’re having a baby. You’re going to be a dad.”

He flinched. He backed off slowly. He was walking backwards and then he turned and tan completely. I didn’t even have time to call out before he grabbed the keys and bolted out the door.

I felt tears fill my eyes. I sat on the couch and just bawled. I wanted my Timmy to hold me, but, he wasn’t here. He stayed away for days.

I went through different emotions in a cycle over and over. I’d get wildly angry. In these moments I’d text him and tell him he was being ridiculous. I would message people and announce my pregnancy so he knew he wasn’t getting out of this. I would smash things. Then, I would get sad. I would sob for hours and hours. I would look at our wedding vows and old pictures. It was true he’d said he would like to be child free and I’d begrudgingly went along, but I hadn’t known a child would mean he just ran away. We hadn’t even discussed anything.

Then there was the numbness. I would just sit and stare at the wall. I would be stuck in my imagination. I would think of the impossible, of him coming back and everything being perfect. Then, I would think of the worst case scenario.I would imagine raising my baby all alone. I pictured him not wanting anything to do with his child. I knew I’d be completely left and lonely and longing.

It was the fifth day he’d been radio silent and away from the house. I’d gone to my first doctors appointment alone. I had felt so desperately stupid and alone in that moment. I needed to change my doctor because he had made me feel like shit.

“Hi,” said my husband tentatively as he entered the living room. I ignored him, like how he had ignored me.

“Baby, y/n,” he said desperately. He got onto his knees in front of me. He was biting his bottom lip. He hadn’t shaved and he had some scruff. His hair was messy. He looked gorgeous as always, but tired and like he’d been through a lot.

I resented him in that moment. I should be the one who looked haggard. I had told my husband I was pregnant and he’d run out and abandoned me.

“I’m so, so sorry. I can not believe I was such an ass. You didn’t deserve any of that,” he whispered and tried to take my hand. I snatched my hands away.

“Mon amour,” he said with a shakily voice. I knew he was crying. I had to pretend not to care.

“You don’t have to say anything, but can you just listen to me? I have something to say and I want you to know it. Can you do that? Can you just listen?” He asked.

I nodded once, but I didn’t meet his gaze. I paused the tv show I was watching. I kept my eyes on the wall.

“While I was away I stayed at a hotel. I didn’t cheat, if you were ever worried about that. I went to a couple therapy sessions. I didn’t know why I was so upset. I thought at first I felt like you’d betrayed me but that isn’t it. I realised I didn’t feel any anger or resentment towards you. Through therapy, I realised I had secretly really wanted to give you what you wanted. I wanted to give you a baby.”

“You have a funny way of showing it,” I snapped. He let out a small sigh. He must’ve been relieved I was at least talking.

“I know. Y/n, oh baby, I was scared. I was so scared,” he whispered. “I-I realised I don’t believe I’ll be a good father. I think I’ll ruin a child.”

“What?” I asked, finally turning to him.

“I think I’m going to be awful,” he sniffled. It turned into a full blown melt down. He was weeping openly. He never had been ashamed of crying, but he looked it now. He was doing the type of crying where you couldn’t catch your breath.

I held him then. He was shaking. His shoulders shuddered. He was still sniffling as he calmed down.

“My love,” I said as a whisper in his ear. “I have all the confidence that you will be an amazing father. You have the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. You are gentle, smart, funny, protective, vulnerable, and patient.”

“You mean that?”

“I do. I mean every word,” I promised him.

A watery smile covered his face. He grabbed me to him. He kissed down my cheeks, then to my neck, and down my neck and to my stomach.

“Hello little baby,” he whispered. “I’m going to try my best for you. I hope you have the patience of your mother.”

It turned out I was right. When little Adonis was born he was a complete daddy’s boy. He even looked like his father which I loved. People were constantly telling Timothée what a good dad he was. I would always rub the small of his back when they said this. He always tended to get teary eyed.

“Good night baby boy,” Timothée cooed as he helped me boy Adonis to bed. “I love you with my whole heart.”

“Dada,” Adonis said slowly.

“Oh my goodness!” Timothée said In complete shock. “That’s, that’s his first word! Holy fuck.”

“Dada!” Giggled Adonis as the bright smile on his father’s face.

“Yes, yes,” Timothée beamed as he swooped his baby into his arms. He cuddled him against his chest. Both of us were in tears.

“I told you, you’re amazing,” I said.

“Thank you.”

[jungmeowz]

⋆˚࿔ in every timeline; i love you 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

summary: in each timeline you’re always going to love park sunghoon, but in each timeline does he love you too?

pairing: park sunghoon x y/n;

slight mentions of IVE members; Wonyoung and Gaeul

genre: heavy angst, angst, angst; no fluff at all

tw; pregnancy , miscarriage, death jokes, depression, mental health, etc… I might miss some, to be warned!

wc: 5.6k!

⋆˚࿔ in every timeline; i love you 𝜗𝜚˚⋆ masterlist

° ᡣ𐭩 . ° ᴇɴʜʏᴘᴇɴ ᴍᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ ° ᡣ𐭩 . °

a/n; please let it be known, this is a very heavy topic, please do not interact if you do not feel comfortable reading these kinds of things, this is one route to the series.

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pls read prologue in order to understand this route

prologue

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Secrets that I hold on too; I’m sorry

To be quite frank, after your break up with Sunghoon, that’s where everything started to go downhill, everyday you cried, and it didn’t help that you were pregnant either, your hormones were definitely fucking you up. When you and Sunghoon ended things, you never told anyone and quite frankly, you never told anyone you were pregnant. It’s not like you were keeping secrets from your friends and didn’t trust them, but it was more like when you and Sunghoon agreed to date again, you both swore not to tell anyone because you wanted to keep this relationship between you guys and didn’t want to tell anyone your guys business, but both of you felt like your friends would disapprove this decision because it was basically like the third or fourth time you guys getting back together. So the both of you decided to keep it as a secret to see how things would go before telling anyone. 

When the both of you guys broke up, you felt so trapped and felt like you had no one to talk to about this whole situation, your break up and your pregnancy and not even your parents knew. A part of you wanted to tell someone about it, but for some reason you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything to anyone. 

In the end you decided to keep the baby without telling anyone, despite not having a plan, you really didn’t want to abort it, nor did you want to give it away. You went to these daily check-ups alone. The first time you went back for your check-up, Dr.Choi asked if you had a discussion with your significant other, you lied and told him that you guys did, but decided to end things with each other. He didn’t look happy, but understood and didn’t ask more about it. He was the only one who knew about the situation, and he did the best he could to help you out, and you were always thankful for that. 

Despite being pregnant, you were still trying to act normal, and still continued to go to school. You were planning to go to school until you couldn’t hide it anymore and that’s when you would decide to leave. At this point you were about ten weeks pregnant, it was a normal morning routine, you would wake up, eat breakfast and then would drive over to school.

 On your way to school, you felt a small slight pain in your belly, but you didn’t think much of it. As you arrived at school, you would take your belongings and head over to class for your lecture. Seeing your friends in class, you walked over and greeted them and sat down in the empty seat. They greeted you and continued talking about the latest gossip, you would sit there and hear them gossip as you pulled out our belongings. There was still a slight pain in your belly but the pain was tolerable for you to ignore. As time passed the pain started to become more noticeable, you were starting to wonder if something was going on with your baby, as the lecture ended you put away your belongings and sat up from your chair, and as you got up your friends gasped.

“y/n, are you on your period? You’re leaking! You need to go to the bathroom!” Wonyoung said. 

You quickly looked down on your chair, and turned around to look at your pants to see blood all over your pants. You quickly panicked and thanked Wonyoung, as you grabbed your belongings and rushed to your car. Quickly trying to call Dr.Choi, he picks up and asks you what’s wrong. 

“I’m bleeding, I don’t know what’s happening to me, there’s slight pain in my stomach, please help me,” You cried. 

“Okay, stay calm. Please head over here right now so we can check,” He replies. 

“I’m on my way over right now,” 

“Okay, I’ll have a room ready for you,” 

He hangs up the phone, at this point you’re worried and hysterically crying as you’re driving. Obviously it wasn’t your period, Dr. Choi has mentioned spotting and you’ve had spotting before but it wasn’t too serious, and you’ve never bled like this. As you arrived, you immediately ran into the building looking for Dr. Choi, he spotted you and guided you over to the room. He turns on the machine and guides you over to have you lie down, he puts the ultrasonic transducer on the area and scans for the fetus… his face drops and he looks as you and puts the ultrasonic transducer down and turns off the machine, you look at him and your face drops and tears are forming again. 

“I’m sorry…” Dr. Choi trails off. 

“This can’t be,” You cried. 

“There’s no heartbeat, I’m sorry, they’re gone,”

“But why, just a couple of days ago, you told me everything was fine, how could this happen,” 

“I’m sorry, sometimes our body reacts differently and anything can happen,” 

He grabs a box of tissues and gives them to you, he watches you pull the tissues out of the box as you’re crying. He walks over and pats your back in trying to comfort you, and all you can do is cry, and cry. You felt like everything was your fault, you wondered if maybe the moment you felt slight pain you should’ve checked on it, you shouldn’t have ignored it. You felt so stupid and dumb. It didn’t matter how many weeks you were in, it didn’t matter if you weren’t ready for the baby, but it mattered to you that it was your baby, and that there was a living person inside of you, but it was just any baby, it was your baby with Sunghoon. Even if he didn’t know about it, it was still your baby with him, and it was going to be your whole world and life. 

Dr. Choi lets you cry in the room for a couple of minutes, it’s not until you “finish” crying that he speaks up about the situation. 

“I’m going to prescribe medication to you, it’s going to help reduce the pain in the stomach, but you will still experience some more slight bleeding since your body is trying to recover from the situation,” He says. 

You nodded at him and wiped away your remaining tears, he hands you the prescription and guides you to the door, you walk out of the room and bow to him and thank him for all he’s done for you. He smiles at you and tells you that if you need anything, it’s to give him a call. You nodded and walked towards your car, feeling defeated and lost, the worst part was it’s not like you could tell anyone about this, you were in on this alone. It is the pain you bear alone, a secret that you are holding on too. 

Three months timeskip…

After you lost the baby, you started to spiral even harder, you would skip classes and wouldn’t attend them, you were close to failing the majority of your classes, you wouldn’t talk to any of your friends, and the worst part was you were becoming an alcoholic. You didn’t know how to cope with your feelings, and you would always drink, wanting to run away from the feelings and mend your broken heart, because not only were you broken hearted about the baby, you were still hung up on Sunghoon. Your friends started to get concerned for you as you stopped showing up and they would occasionally see you drink more than often. They would try asking you what’s wrong but you would brush them off telling them you were fine, when you were perfectly not. You were always careful not to talk about these things with your friends, because you felt like they would judge you and walk out on you. It wasn’t until there was a day your friends invited you out to drink. 

When they invited you out to drink, you didn’t really think much of it, to you it was a perfect excuse to drink and mend your broken heart, deep down you knew this wasn’t healthy of you, and you knew better, but you really couldn’t care less and wanted to spiral, feeling as if there was nothing better to do. You were at least like seven to eight shots in already, as your friends are laughing and talking, you’re sitting there watching them enjoy themselves as you're drinking. 

“y/n, I think that’s enough, you’ve had a lot in you already,” Wonyoung said. 

“I’m fine,” You replied. 

“No you’re not. You’ve been skipping classes for these past three months, all you do is drink, and you won’t even talk to us or hangout with us, unless it’s drinking. We’re all tired of it, we just want to know what’s going on. We know you’re not a talker when it comes to your feelings but enough is enough! We’re trying to be there for you. We are your friends!” Gaeul said.

You look at them, and then you look away taking another shot. They all glare their eyes on you, and at this point you don’t know what to do or to say. You stay silent, not replying to them. To be quite honest, you didn’t know how to tell them about your situation, it’s not like you felt shameful, it was more like you couldn’t accept it. You were afraid the moment you said it out loud, that was your moment of reality check, that everything that has happened so far, it’s reality check and it actually happened to you. You were in denial and too scared to face it because you knew that you would end up crying more and more about it. 

“Listen, we just care about you, so please tell us,” Wonyoung said.

“I… I just don’t know how to tell you guys…” You trailed off. 

“What do you mean? We’re your friends, you can tell us anything,” She said. 

You couldn’t even bring yourself to say it out loud, tears started to form and you couldn’t stop sobbing, the girls were looking at you and hovered over you trying to comfort you, putting your hands to your face and hysterically crying because you felt so defeated and hurt. 

“I… I lost my baby,” You cried. 

The girls pulled back and looked at you and their faces dropped. 

“What do you mean you lost your baby,” Gaeul asked. 

“I had a miscarriage,” You sobbed. 

“You mean the day you were leaking, that wasn’t your period… that was…” Wonyoung trailed off. 

“Yeah, it was that day, I lost it,” You cried. 

“Pause, that was three months ago, you kept this away from us for three months?” Gaeul asked. “Who’s the father? Who was the father?” 

“Sunghoon,,,” You cried. 

“That bastard, was this a one night stand or what?” Wonyoung asked. 

“No… we were together and then we broke up and I never told him,” 

“And why didn’t you! Why didn’t you tell us you guys were together! Why didn’t you tell us anything? Do you think lowly of us ?” Gaeul questioned. 

“No… When Sunghoon and I got back together, we both agreed not to tell anyone. We didn’t want anyone in our business and wanted to keep it lowkey, but he broke up with me because I kept shutting him out. I found out I was pregnant and couldn’t bear to tell him. He sounded so thankful when I lied to him, telling him I wasn’t pregnant, how I was suppose to tell him I was. I didn’t want to ruin his life!” You yelled. 

“But you were carrying his baby! You should’ve told him, he should’ve taken responsibility, how could he break up with you, he should’ve stuck it through,” Gauel said. 

“It’s my fault, I pushed him away, I kept pushing him away, it makes sense why he wouldn’t want to be with me, it was for the best anyways,” 

“I’m upset that you didn’t tell us anything, but I’m more sad that you had to deal with this by yourself. You know we’re here for you, and we’re your friends. It hurts me that you had to deal with this by yourself, let alone not tell us anything,” Wonyoung said as tears were forming. 

You looked Wonyoung and saw her teary eyes and started to cry even more. You pulled her in for a hug and apologized for everything. Gaeul looked at the both of you crying and she came in for a hug and she started crying. 

“I’m sorry guys, I just… I really thought I could handle this on my own, and I felt like you guys would be upset if you guys found out about Sunghoon and I,” You said. 

“I mean we are upset, but we’re just both really sad about you keeping all of this in. It must've been hard for you for the past three months,” Wonyoung said. 

“Yeah,” You sobbed. “I really wanted to tell you guys, but I didn’t know how to. I was too in denial and didn’t want to face it either. Knowing that I lost my baby, it was going to be my world and I was going to love them with my whole heart,” “I’m so sorry my love. So… Sunghoon doesn’t know anything about this?” Gaeul asked. 

“No… and I don't really plan on telling him…” You trailed off. 

“It’s best if you don’t…” Wonyoung trailed off. “It seems like he’s with someone else already,” 

Your heart dropped and it shattered, wow he was already over you… after three months he’s already over you, whereas you’re still broken hearted over him. You felt pathetic, you felt like a loser for still being in love with him, whereas he’s already moved on and is now dating someone else. 

“What do you mean he’s with someone else. How could he do this to y/n. I know he doesn’t know about the pregnancy, and the baby, but how could he move on so fast?” Gaeul said angrily. 

“It’s for the best anyways…” You trailed off, “He deserves someone better than me,” 

“Stop that, stop saying that,” Wonyoung said angrily. “You never give yourself enough credit. You love him, I know you love him, you’re still in love with him. I can tell from your tone and face and for the many years that I’ve known you. You love him so much that you’re willing to do anything for this man, and I hate that. Because I know he has no idea how much you love him, he has no idea how much you’re willing to do everything for him. He doesn’t deserve better, if anything you deserve better. You deserve the whole wide world, I hate how you think you don’t deserve anything, I hate how you always put yourself down, it’s not right and it’s not healthy,” 

“Wonyoung is right, you’re always putting yourself down, you deserve the whole wide world, and you deserve the love that you received. Let yourself feel the love, let yourself be loved,” Gaeul said. 

“I just don’t know how too. I think about all the issues I have, and I think about how I'm not cut out for dating and believe that I’m better off alone, and it gets to me, and I start to believe it’s true. Sunghoon doesn’t need to be with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate, he shouldn’t be with someone who’s depressed and suicidal,”

“But you can’t decide that for him, he chose you because he wanted to, not because you forced him, he went back to you, willing to try again, if not three times already. He loves you, he really wanted to be with you, because he was willing to try again,” Wonyoung said. 

“And maybe you’re right, but now it’s too late. He’s already with someone else and I don’t want to interfere. It’s probably better off this way, I don’t plan on telling him about this, and I would hope you guys wouldn’t speak of it either,” You said. 

“But don’t you think he deserves to know about this?” Gaeul asked. “Even if you were going to have his baby, were you ever going to tell him?” 

“No, I honestly was never going to tell him. I was going to keep it and run away,” You replied. 

“y/n,,, although I don’t agree with your decisions, I understand where you’re coming from. If you don’t want to tell him okay fine, both Gaeul and I won’t say anything either. But I would like for you to tell us when you’re not okay, and would like for you to come to us for any comfort or support. We’re here for you, so please don’t shut us out,” Wonyoung said. 

Three years later…

Ever since the conversation with Wonyoung and Gaeul, your friendship with the girls has been stronger than ever, and they have been there for you for everything. Which also means, it’s been about three years since you and Sunghoon broke up. You would be lying to say you were over him, but you weren’t, but it’s not like you were trying to go out of your way to get over him, it was more like you were trying to ignore relationships and not pay attention to romance and dating. There was still much love for Sunghoon, but it’s not like you could tell him, or express it to him. After all, he was already in a relationship and you thought it would be disrespectful to his significant other to just confess to him. All you cared about was his happiness, and it seemed like she made him happy, even if you wished it was you who could make him happy, it didn’t matter. As long as Sunghoon was happy, it’s all that matters to you. 

You always tried your best to avoid Sunghoon, you would try to avoid his favorite places whether it would be places to eat, drink, and shop, you would try to avoid them so you wouldn’t be able to run into him. Occasionally you would go to places that he likes to eat and drink just because they were also your favorite places as well, but everytime you went, you would pray and hope you wouldn’t run into him. In all honesty you were still too scared to face Sunghoon, and you didn’t know how to talk to him. You don’t necessarily think the way you and Sunghoon ended things was good, but it wasn’t necessarily bad, but it could’ve been better for sure. Let alone, you didn’t know how to act if he was with his girlfriend, but you knew someday maybe you had to face him once more. 

Sometimes you and the girls would talk about Sunghoon and they would try to help you figure out what you wanted to do with the situation and they would try to help you figure out about how you felt. The consistent topic that was always brought up was your miscarriage, the girls really wanted you to talk to him about it, but your decision till this day was you were going to keep it as a secret and it was something he shouldn’t know about. You thought about it multiple times over and over, debating if this was a right decision, but no matter what, the conclusion you always came up with was that it was better if he didn’t know. Simply for the sake it’s too late to do anything about it, and that he is now seeing someone else and you don’t want to ruin that for him and the girl. 

Despite loving Sunghoon so much this was the only secret you wanted to keep from him, a secret you were going to hold on to forever. In this timeline, it’s the timeline you’re not with him, but just because you’re not with him, it never meant you stopped loving him. Maybe in this timeline he was suppose to love someone else and although it didn’t sit right, you weren’t going to do anything about it. You had many years to think about how you felt about Sunghoon, he’s always going to be your first love, he’s always going to hold a special place in your heart, you have a lot of love for him, and would do anything for him, and what it came down to was, as long as he was happy, that’s all that matters, even if it wasn’t with you. 

You were on your way to grab some coffee, you really didn’t think much of running into Sunghoon, as you know he’s not the type of person to buy coffee in the early morning, but you also wanted to hit the coffee shop to get some work done. As you were walking into the coffee shop, and opening the door, feeling caught off guard, there he was standing by the waiting counter grabbing his drink. You froze for a fat second feeling caught off guard, and as he grabs his drink he sees you by the door, you panic and try to turn around and leave but he calls your name and your heart feels heavy and it’s sinking. 

“y/n! It’s been a while!” Sunghoon said. 

You stand there frozen, looking down at the floor not being able to say anything, not even wanting to turn around and look at him because you don’t know how too, so it’s silent and then he speaks again. 

“Listen, I’ve been meaning to talk to you, can we please talk. I didn’t like how things ended between us, and even though it’s been years, I still wanted to clear the air between us,” He says. 

You hear your heart beating fast and anxiety is rising, you would’ve never thought Sunghoon wanted to talk to you, if anything you thought he was done with you and that he hated you, especially for how things ended between you guys years ago, you thought he wanted nothing to do with you. Quite frankly, it’s not like you didn’t have anything to say to Sunghoon, it was more like you couldn’t say anything to him, especially all these things you were feeling for him, it wouldn’t be fair to the girl he was seeing. If you were to talk to Sunghoon, you would have to talk to him as if you weren’t in love with him anymore, and that you had to talk about your guy's love in past tense, and you weren't sure if you were ready for it. Even if it wasn’t something you weren’t ready for, you knew deep down it was something you had to face, and whether you liked it or not, you had to face it, because as years passed you learned that you never know what’s going to happen next. So you turn around and face him and look at him and give him a faint smile and agree. 

“Okay, let’s talk,” You agreed.

“Great! Let’s find a table!” He smiles. 

He looks around the cafe and spots an empty table, he points at the table and walks over, you follow right behind him without saying anything. He takes a seat and gestures to you to take a seat. 

“How have you’ve been?” Sunghoon asked. 

“I’m doing o-okay,” You stuttered. “And you?”

“Me too! I’m doing good! Shall I start? Or did you want to start?” He asked. 

“You can go first,” You replied. 

“Okay, to start things off, I wanted to apologize to you, and how things ended. I didn’t like how things ended, and I felt like it was my fault how things ended. I didn’t know what to do, and I think I was getting stressed and worried for you. It was hard watching you spiral without knowing anything. I ended up taking my anger out on you in some ways and I felt bad and guilty about it. To this day I feel bad and guilty about how things ended between us. To be honest, I think after our break up, I really thought you hated me and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. So, I’m really glad you're giving me the chance to talk,” 

You tried holding your tears back, this was the only time you didn’t want him to see you cry, because then he could see right through you, and for this time only you wished he couldn’t and he wouldn’t. 

“Sunghoon, I have never once hated you. If anything I have so much love for you, it’s crazy. I want to apologize also, for the way I acted with you and how this relationship ended. It didn’t sit right with me either, but I was emotionally numb, and it’s no excuse, and I’m sorry. I should’ve handled the situation better and communicated, it was never your fault to begin with, so don’t apologize, you did the best you could. I honestly understand where you’re coming from. I would feel hurt and stressed out if I saw you like that and you kept pushing me away. To be honest, I hold a lot of resentment towards myself and how I acted when we were together, and there were so many things I could’ve done better but didn’t. I blame myself a lot for our fallout and if anything, I thought you hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. Especially for the way I treated you,”

“Like you said, there’s no way I could hate you either. Listen, I have a lot of love for you, and I’m always going to have a lot of love for you. We have so much history together, we’re each other highschool sweethearts, we’re each other's first for a lot of things. You mean so much to me, but please do not fully blame yourself for our fallout. I don’t think it was completely your fault. I thought about this for the last three years and I want to put it past us. I just want you to be happy, and find someone who’s able to give you the world. I feel like I couldn’t and it was hard for me to accept that, but now I’m okay. I just want you to be happy and feel the love that you deserve,” 

You were still trying really hard to hold in your tears, as everything Sunghoon said to you hurt but also it warmed your heart. It was true that you always felt like he hated you after you guys broke up, it’s true that you felt like he didn’t care about you and wanted nothing to do with you, but to hear those words out of his mouth, it felt so bittersweet, because you can tell that he’s really moved on, and you know that in time you have to move on. 

“I am also the same way… I just want you to be happy, you deserve the whole wide world, and happiness, and to be loved, and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give that to you, despite trying many times,” 

“y/n, don’t say that… I can’t express this enough to you, but being loved by you, it’s one of the most powerful things, because I know you mean it with your heart. So trust me, I know, because I’ve been loved by you, and it really is one of the most powerful things a person could feel and have,” He says. “I don’t regret any of this, and I don’t regret being with you at all, if anything, I’m glad that we were together all three times,” 

You can’t fight the tears anymore, and your eyes become watery and it's dripping down your face, he looks at you and frowns, you wipe away your tears and look down at the table. 

“I… I never once regret being with you either. I’m just really sorry for how I treated you during this situation… I really wanted to give you the world, but I couldn’t and I’m really mad at myself for not being able to. You gave me so much love, and support and I’m sorry if I ever made it feel like it wasn’t enough. It was always enough, being loved by you always felt amazing, your love was also powerful,” You cried while wiping tears out of your eyes. 

He smiles at you and nods, he waits for you to finish wiping your tears before he starts speaking again. 

“y/n, listen to me, I really hope you forgive yourself, because I’ve forgiven myself, and I’ve forgiven you, so you should too. It’s all in the past now and I want the both of us to move on forward and not dwell on this anymore. It’s been years, so let’s smile and move on,” 

“You know me,” You chuckle. “It’s not that simple for me, but I’m working on it, but thank you Sunghoon, what you said really means alot to me,” 

“Of course, I can tell that both of us have a lot of love for each other, not romantically obviously but platonically! So please, be gentle on yourself,” 

“I’ll try…” You replied. 

When you heard Sunghoon say those words to you, it hurt you alot, but there was nothing you could do or say because you really didn’t want him to know, but it also let you know that he wasn’t really aware of how you felt. If only he knew that you were still in love with him.

“So now that everythings been cleared up… How are you?” He asked. 

“I’m doing okay, and you?” You replied. 

“Everything is great,” He smiled. “I’m actually engaged now,”

Your heart dropped, but you forced a smile on your face and looked at him in shock. 

“You’re engaged?!” You replied. “Congratulations! Who’s the lucky girl?”

You watch him and he’s glowing, he rubs the back of his neck and smiles shyly, and your heart keeps breaking. 

“Thank you, she’s someone you don’t know. Funny enough we met randomly on a hike trail, and somehow we hit it off, and we’ve been together for almost three years now,” He smiles.

“Well, I’m happy for you! I’m glad you found someone that makes you happy and loved. After all, you deserve it!”

“I hope you find someone too. You deserve someone as well, and I know you’ll find someone,” 

“Maybe, but not right now. Dating isn’t really my priority,” You lied. 

“Okay, whatever you say,” He laughed. “There was also one thing I wanted to ask you, and you’re more than welcome to say no, I completely understand,” 

“What is it?” 

“If I invited you to the wedding, would you come? I know we just reconciled, but the wedding won’t be for a while, and you’re really important to me, and so I was wondering if you would like to be there?” 

There was a slight hesitation in your answer, you felt so sad and yet a little bit happy that he thought of you? And wanted you to be there for his big day. I mean it still hurt you, because you really had to let him go but were you in the position to be there? Were you in the position to handle seeing him getting married to some girl who isn’t you? Your answers to all of these questions were no, but for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to say yes either.

“Is your fiance okay with it? Are you sure she’s okay with me being there?” I asked. 

“I’m not sure. I have yet to ask her, I figured I would ask you right now since we’re right here, and that if you decided to say no, I would understand but then there would be no need to tell or ask her,” He replied. 

“I think you should talk to her first before I reply. I don’t want to disrespect her and make her feel bad. I also will not go if she doesn’t want me too, and don’t argue about it. If she doesn’t want me to come, it’s okay. Respect her Sunghoon, there are no hard feelings if she doesn’t want me there. It’s very understandable.” 

“But what if I really want you there? You’re really important to me,” 

“Yeah, but it’s not worth getting into an argument with her over this,” You smiled. “It’s okay Sunghoon, I’ll always be cheering you on whether I’m there or not, you of all people should know that I’m always rooting for you and I’m there for you,” 

“Okay… if that’s what you want, but if she says yes, I better see you there!” He smiled.

“We’ll see,”

“Okay, well I have to go now and meet up with her. Thank you again for giving me the chance to talk things out with you, it really means alot to me,” “Thank you for reaching out and trying. It also really means alot to me that we were able to clear the air, and congratulations again, I’m really happy for you,” 

“Thank you,” He smiles

Sunghoon gets up from his chair and walks towards the door, you watch him leave and he turns around and looks at you and waves goodbye and smiles. You try really hard to smile and wave goodbye, and once he leaves, you let it all out. You let all the sobs out and you sit there crying. In this timeline; you love him with your whole heart with secrets that you hold, but with  this timeline he loves you but just not the way that you want it to be, and he’ll never know your secret.

a/n: if you made it this far... really thank you for reading!! I think this is one of the longest writings that I've ever written. I thought about doing a series, but I think having routes is enough! I apologize if your heart broke LOL but again thank you!! The other will be posted sometime... maybe soon?

° ᡣ𐭩 . ° ᴇɴʜʏᴘᴇɴ ᴍᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ ° ᡣ𐭩 . °

[postroesociety]

hi

I'm a trans minor w/ a uterus. I've seen a few posts saying to delete all period tracking apps/devices/services etc. and paper track. Is there any reason why? I use the free version of the period tracker "Stardust", because it also has the moon cycles. I'm not sure how well known it is.

So is there any reason why we should start paper tracking? Is it that there is actually a possible threat of people checking through your period apps? For what purposes?

Tysm. I think we're all struggling rn. I hope you're doing well <333

We'll get through this, I know we will.

-B

Hi!!! first of all, thank you for asking and second congrats on being the very first ask I got!

The main reason why people are saying we should delete period tracker apps is that these period tracker apps will often keep your data and if you were to get into trouble for receiving an abortion, then law enforcement would request your data regardless of its "anonymized" status or not. They would still be able to track it back to you and your identity.

Although there is always that reason there's a lot more. for example:

Most of these apps are considered lifestyle apps, which aren't protected by HIPPA laws.

companies can buy and use your private information

there is no legislation protecting you and your data

Stardust, however, does have an encryption code system that they use. Stardust said this in the caption of their most recent Instagram post:

"We keep your data safe by storing your contact information with third parties and storing your health data against a random account ID. This means that we do not link your health data to your real-world identity."

I personally use Stardust but I am still wary of using it and I'm not exactly sure if it would still be completely safe if you live in a state like Texas or Georgia, which has incredibly restrictive laws.

The reason people are urging others to go back to the brick-and-mortar calendar method is because of concerns about data leaks that could be used against you. More specifically, the data of your last period, your last ovulation cycle, among all the other aspects of your cycle can be studied to determine whether or not you may have been pregnant and received an abortion.

At the end of the day, it's gonna be up to you if you trust Stardust, but my advice would be to only use it if you're in a blue state with access to abortion, confident you will not get pregnant from a sexual partner (SA still can happen so be wary), and finally if you decide you can trust Stardust.

For anyone interested in how to track your period via the calendar method, I suggest you consult this article from Planned Parenthood..

And to B, thank you for asking this question, it's greatly appreciated. If you (or anyone else) have questions, concerns, or needs support, please don't hesitate to reach out to me in my dm's or through asks.

Sincerely,

Post Roe Society.

[brunette-barbie4562]

Uncharted (Duff McKagan X OC)

Summary: Unsure of her next steps in life, Carreen Joy "CJ" Thompson finds herself taking a job working under the Guns N' Roses bassist Duff McKagan during the Not in the Lifetime... Tour. She faces the fast-paced and foreign world of rock n' roll, touring, and groupies, as well as blossoming taboo feelings for her boss.

-

Trigger warnings: Sexual themes, mentions of abortion & drug use.

-

Note: Sorry for the late update on this one. The end of the semester happened quicker than I thought it would 😅 I’m going to really try to commit to updates every other week, unless there are special circumstances with school stuff, but I will let everyone know if that is the case. I am a bit of a perfectionist with editing and I like to do at least ten pages of content before I post, so sometimes that slows me down too. Thanks for the patience 💕

10

March 2018

The Farm / Redding, CA

CJ couldn’t help but check her phone every 2 seconds after sending the text to Jess. She didn’t know how Jess would respond, or if she would respond at all. Work picked back up which was a nice distractor, but CJ was drawn back to her phone.

“Hey, you mind grabbing lunch?” Mindy poked her head in the doorway. CJ looked up from her phone.

“Ya, no problem,” said CJ, “Where from?”

“I’m placing an order at Maxwell’s, what do you want?”

“I’ll take a chicken pesto sandwich,” said CJ. Mindy nodded and disappeared from the doorway. CJ leaned back in her chair, listening to Mindy place the order over the phone in the other room. Her phone made a pinging noise from her desk, and she quickly sat up, grabbing it. She had a new message. Holding her breath, she opened the notification to see Jess’ response.

Long time no talk.

CJ quickly texted back as she heard Mindy finish her call.

Can I call you in 10?

Yes.

CJ felt her nerves creep into her stomach. She walked into Mindy’s office and grabbed her wallet and the car keys off the front table.

“Should be ready, or almost ready when you get over there,” said Mindy. CJ nodded, eager to get to the car. She said a few quick hellos to some coworkers on her way out. When she got in Mindy’s car, she immediately put her phone on Bluetooth, placing the call to Jess. The phone rang several times, feeling like an eternity. By the time Jess picked up, CJ had pulled out of the parking lot. The other end was silent.

“Hey,” said CJ.

“Hey,” said Jess. There was an awkward moment of silence.

“I’m sorry,” said CJ, “I know you’ve been trying to reach out, I just- A lot has happened. I know it’s not an excuse, and I’m sorry I didn’t at least tell you I was alive.”

“I was really worried,” said Jess, sounding slightly exasperated. “I don’t have your aunt’s number, so I couldn’t call to ask what was wrong.”

“I know,” said CJ, “I’m sorry. I understand if you don’t want to hear me explain things, but I’d really like a chance too.”

“Ya,” said Jess, “Please do, I was so worried for so long.” CJ didn’t know where to start. Jess had known about she and Duff’s relationship, how deeply she had felt about him, and how they were trying to plan how to continue their relationship once the tour ended. Jess was one of the few people who had been aware of it. She was also the only person who had warned her about going all in with the relationship. Jess had always been blunt with her. She didn’t pull any punches. She could hear Jess’ words in her head from when she had first told her about Duff; Just be careful. 80’s rockstars don’t have the best track records with relationships. She had waved away Jess’ concerns at the time, but she had been right. She figured she’d get straight to the point. Jess deserved that after worrying for so long.

“I’m pregnant,” she said. There was shocked silence from the other side. “About 15 weeks pregnant.”

“Holy shit,” said Jess.

“Ya,” said CJ, sounding more nonchalant than she felt, “Crazy right? I didn’t know until a couple of weeks ago myself.”

“Wait, what have you been doing? Where are you? In California or Seattle?”

“I’m in Redding,” said CJ. She paused for a moment. “Things did not work out the way I thought they would.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask,” said Jess, “Whose baby is it?”

“I know you already know,” said CJ, not wanting to say his name out loud. Her emotions were mounting, and she was afraid if she said his name she’d dissolve into tears.

“So, are you keeping it?” asked Jess.

“Yes,” said CJ, “I thought about it. I even went to an appointment to have it aborted. I can’t do it. I want to keep it, even if it means struggling for a bit. I can’t describe it, but I’m already in love.”

“Hold up,” said Jess, “You’re going to have this baby, and you’re not demanding child support? That man is rich as fuck, take him for everything he has. You could be in a mansion tomorrow. That child support would be fucking loaded. You are in a great position here, even if it may not feel that way.”

“I don’t want him to know,” said CJ.

“Why?” asked Jess. “Fuck him, take him for everything. He has more money than he knows what to do with.”

“It’s complicated, there’s a lot to explain,” said CJ, as she pulled into the parking lot of Maxwell’s. “Can I call you back in a minute? I have to run into this restaurant and grab lunch. Mindy is waiting back at the office.”

“Honestly, I think this conversation would be better in person,” said Jess. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“Nothing,” said CJ.

“Great,” said Jess. “I’m coming down there tonight.” CJ felt her heart leap in surprise and excitement at the thought of her friend visiting.

“Are you sure? I can come there. I know it’s a six-hour drive,” said CJ.

“No, you stay put,” said Jess, “It’s not a big deal. I have Monday off so I can leave Monday morning. I get off early today, in about an hour. So, I’ll go home and pack and get on the road.”

“That would be amazing!” said CJ. “Just be quiet about it around my aunt, she doesn’t know…. yet.”

“Don’t worry,” said Jess, “I’ll keep quiet.”

When they ended their call, CJ sat for a moment, reflecting and feeling grateful to have such a loyal friend.

When she got back to the office, she found Mindy bent over her desk, reviewing some paperwork. She placed her to-go bag down in front of her.

“Thanks,” said Mindy, not looking up.

“Jess is coming to visit this weekend; she’ll be here tonight.” Mindy looked up in surprise.

“Oh?”

“Ya, I haven’t seen her in awhile, we’ve been texting back and forth a bit.”

“Good, you need to go out and have some fun,” said Mindy.

-

By the time Jess arrived it was 8:30 at night. CJ had dimmed the lights and sat down at the kitchen table after dinner, taking a moment to herself. She could hear the low drone of the television from the living room where Michelle and Mindy sat watching. It was a cold night, and the heat was blasting through the floor vents near where she sat. She shuffled her feet over the grate, enjoying the heat, having always been chronically cold in the winter. The glare of car headlights flashed through the window and washed down the wall, illuminating the room. She stood up, her heart pounding as she saw Jess’ Subaru Outback pull in.

CJ pulled open the front door, ignoring the cold on her skin and bare feet as she hurried out. Jess got up out of the driver’s seat and CJ met her with a tight hug. Tears welled up in her eyes and her voice cracked as she spoke.

“I’m so happy you’re here.”

“Me too,” said Jess, muffled by CJ’s sweatshirt. They pulled away from each other and Jess looked down at CJ’s cast arm. “What happened with that?”

“It’s part of the whole story,” said CJ, walking over to the trunk of Jess’ car. “Let me get your stuff.” Jess shooed her away and opened the trunk herself.

“No, no lifting for you.” She pulled her duffle bag out and slammed the trunk shut.

When the two girls got inside, CJ got a better look at Jess. She looked the same; a stocky but athletic build, about 5’4”, black and wavy mid-length hair that was up in a messy bun, and bright blue eyes. The only difference was her once green striped hair was now streaked with purple. She was dressed in her usual comfy outfit, a pair of sweatpants, slippers, and a hoodie.

Mindy and Michelle appeared from the living room.

“Hey Jess,” said Mindy, “Good to see you!”

“It’s good to see you guys too,” said Jess, “It’s been a minute.”

“It has,” said Mindy, “How was the drive?”

“Not bad,” said Jess.

“Did you get anything to eat?” asked Michelle, moving towards the fridge.

“Ya, I got a burger on the drive,” said Jess.

“Well, if you need anything feel free to help yourself,” said Michelle. CJ could see Mindy gearing up to ask Jess a million questions. And CJ was eager to catch up with Jess too, but right now she wanted to get her alone. As Mindy started to talk, CJ interjected.

“I was thinking, how about tomorrow night we all go out somewhere to eat and catch up?”

“Oh,” said Mindy, “Ya, that sounds great! You guys think of a place, and we’ll do it.”

“I thought we’d head to bed early and do something in the morning,” said CJ, looking over at Jess, who looked back at her cluelessly. She quickly picked up CJ’s nonverbal hint.

“Oh ya, that sounds great,” said Jess. After saying their goodnights, CJ took Jess’ hand and gently pulled her into the hallway, down towards the bedroom. She quickly shut her bedroom door as Jess put her bag down. She pulled her sweatshirt off, her T-shirt briefly riding up to expose her stomach. She turned to face Jess whose gaze was focused on her midsection.

“You don’t even look pregnant, not even a little bit,” said Jess.

“Ya and I need it to stay that way,” said CJ, “At least until I can get some things figured out.” Jess sat down on CJ’s bed and patted the spot on the bed next to her. CJ sank down onto the bed and pulled her knees to her chest, taking a deep breath.

“So, what the fuck happened,” said Jess.

“I’m not completely sure myself,” said CJ. “He just left. The night after the last show, before we were supposed to go out and talk about me moving in. He just cut things off, didn’t say why, didn’t want to talk about it. It was like night and day.” Jess was looking down at her feet, not saying anything.

“You can say it,” said CJ, “You can say I told you so.”

“No,” said Jess softly, “You’re going through enough.”

“I should’ve listened to you.”

“Well hindsight,” said Jess, “And it’s hard to take a step back and view things objectively when you have strong feelings.”

“That’s why it was so hard the past few months,” said CJ, her voice cracking as she tried to hold it together. “I was so depressed about it I couldn’t get myself to do anything. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.” A few tears escaped her eyes, and it quickly turned into an uncontrollable waterfall of sobs. Jess gently snaked an arm around CJ’s shoulders and pulled her close into a hug. CJ tried to be quiet, not wanting Mindy or Michelle to hear her. After a few minutes, she managed to gain control and took a deep breath, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

“I tried to go out and do things,” CJ continued. “I went snowboarding but broke my wrist. That’s actually how I found out about being pregnant, when I was in the emergency room. Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to figure it out if I hadn’t.”

“Did you not get your period?”

“I wasn’t really thinking about it,” said CJ, “It’s gone away from stress before, so I thought that was it.”

“And you’re definitely keeping it?” asked Jess.

“Yes,” said CJ. “I know it sounds weird, especially since there’s not really anything to see, on the outside at least, but I’m already in love.” She placed a hand on her still flat stomach. “Maybe it’s the hormones talking.”

“Just don’t let the hormones talk you out of getting child support,” said Jess.

“I don’t want his money,” said CJ, “He wouldn’t want this baby anyway.”

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t owed support, CJ. He made the decision to lay down just the same as you, so fuck him. Your kid deserves the same support as his other kids,” said Jess.

“You know what he told me.” said CJ with a laugh of disgust. “He told me he got a vasectomy right after his last daughter was born. That’s why I wasn’t worried about it. I thought I was being careful, but now I think he lied.” CJ paused thoughtfully for a moment longer. “I don’t know, maybe I didn’t fit in with his lifestyle. He didn’t seem like the type to care about that kind of thing. But he was always surrounded by such glamorous places and people, glamorous women. And who am I compared to all that?”

“Well either way, he should be giving you a monthly payment,” said Jess, “Doesn’t matter who you are or where you are from.”

“I don’t need him,” said CJ, “I can do this on my own.”

“When are you going to tell your aunt?” asked Jess.

“I need to find a place to live first,” said CJ, “I want to have my own place and support myself.”

“You don’t think she’ll let you stay?” asked Jess.

“I know she would,” said CJ, “and I know she’ll love any children that I have, but it’s not fair of me to bring an infant here. She did her part when she raised me. She didn’t have to do that either, but she did.”

-

June 1989

Los Angeles General Medical Center / Los Angeles, CA

Mindy did not think she’d ever see the inside of the maternity wing at a hospital, never mind be present for a birth. But there she was, standing at her sister’s head, letting her grip her hand tightly as she pushed her niece into the world.

The last nine months had been a whirlwind. Heather had gone into rehab quietly and stayed put, which had surprised Mindy. Things went smoothly for the first few months and Heather told Mindy she was working on getting the adoption process rolling.

Then, one day, Mindy received a call from a pissed off Heather. She remembered the first words Heather had said to her before she could even say hello. Can you believe they don’t give you money for putting your kid up for adoption? Mindy could only laugh at her sister’s selfishness and told her that of course they don’t pay you, that would be trafficking. Her initial suspicions were correct about her sister’s motivations being monetary.

Heather had gone on to rant some more about the fact it was too late for her to terminate, and then declared that she’d be keeping the baby. Mindy went from being amused to horrified. She then spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince Heather to go through with the adoption process, but to no avail. She remembered asking Heather, why keep it if you don’t want it? Her response had been, Tax breaks, benefits. Mindy had pleaded, telling her that was no reason to have a baby. She didn’t even have a job to get tax breaks on. But Heather wouldn’t listen.

On a positive note, Heather had gotten clean, stuck to plan, and the pregnancy had progressed typically with no health issues. CPS had been alerted but since she was actively in rehab and had tested clean for the past several months, there were no plans in place to remove the baby. With that, Mindy had been scrambling to get her own shit together. The idea of living with her sister long term was highly irritating. But she couldn’t put her out with a new baby, and she honestly didn’t trust Heather to care for the baby properly alone, especially if her only attachment to it was based on money. She didn’t know if Heather could stay clean. It felt unrealistic to hope for, but if Mindy let her stay and pushed her to get a job and a place of her own, maybe this would be what completely and permanently turned Heather around. She wasn’t hopeful and in the back of her mind she was contemplating back-up plans. She had never planned on being a mother or having a baby. But if she had to, she’d take Heather’s child in. She couldn’t see her niece or nephew go to foster care, no matter how inconvenient or derailing it was for her life.

Mindy had set up a crib and bought all the basic things she would need, preparing for the birth and for Heather to leave rehab and bring the baby home to the apartment. It had cost her a chunk of her savings and she had to remind herself it was for the baby, not for Heather.

Laying in the bed, Heather gripped Mindy’s hand painfully tight and let out a loud yell as she gave one last push. A moment later a sharp cry pierced the air. Time seemed to move slowly as the nurse held the baby and Mindy got a clear look at it.

“It’s a girl,” said the nurse. The baby was chunky and healthy looking, with a thick head of dark brown hair, and a good set of lungs on her as she loudly cried. They moved to clean her off and examine her. Mindy looked at Heather who was sitting there, still trying to catch her breath and looking exhausted.

“You did so good!” said Mindy with excitement. Heather didn’t respond or react to Mindy and just put her head back against the pillow. A moment later, the nurse carried the baby over to them and gently placed her on Heather’s chest. “She’s so beautiful Heather, look at her!”

Heather looked down at the baby, her face expressionless. Instead of holding her closer, she picked her up and held her out to Mindy wordlessly.

“You’re not going to hold her?” asked Mindy confused.

“No,” said Heather. After handing the baby over, she turned away from them. Mindy felt a deep sadness as the baby began to cry louder. A nurse, having seen the entire interaction came over and quietly offered Mindy a bottle of formula.

“If you want to sit here,” she said, gesturing to a cushioned armchair, “and do skin to skin.” Mindy handed the baby back to the nurse while she removed her shirt. The nurse laid the baby on Mindy’s chest and then covered them with a light blanket. Finally, the baby had stopped crying, her dark eyes cracked open and looking up at Mindy. She lightly ran a hand over the baby’s thick head of hair.

“Hey sweet girl,” she said softly to the baby, “Everything is going to be ok. I promise.” Mindy looked back over at Heather, who was still turned away.

-

May 2017

Somewhere over Spain

The feeling of being unsettled had permeated Duff’s day. The morning had gone as usual, other than the groupie leaving his room at 5:30 A.M., prior to there being a risk of anyone else being awake to see her go. He had seen the same woman in the lobby of the hotel just before leaving to drive to the airport. With sexual release came the buildup of his internal emotional tension. The post-hook up crash had him in his head. Being the intuitive and empathetic person that she had revealed herself to be, CJ had picked up on it immediately and asked him if he was ok or needed anything. He had told her he was fine, just tired.

She sat next to him on the plane, focused on updating his social media accounts with pictures and videos from the show the night before. She had been quieter than he was used to her being and he thought maybe he should be the one asking her if everything was ok.

The flight attendant came around with snacks and he wordlessly slid her over a bag of chips. She glanced at it and said a quick thanks before continuing with what she was doing on the computer.

“Hey, you good kiddo?”

“Hm?” she said, looking up.

“You’re just kind of quiet,” he said.

“Oh ya, sorry,” she said absent-mindedly, turning back to her work.

“Hey,” he said, slightly amused at her reaction. “You don’t need to apologize; I was wondering if anything is wrong.” She met his gaze, looking like she had something to say.

“I just don’t like what happened last night,” she said. Duff felt a rush of panic. How did she know. “I shouldn’t have said what I said.” His panic immediately subsided when he realized she was talking about their conversation in the SUV, on the way back from the show.

“Oh,” he said, his relief making him slightly dismissive, “I forgot about that.” His statement made her frown deepen.

“Well, I haven’t,” she said, “I feel awful.”

“Relax,” he said, opening his bag of chips. “Like I said, you couldn’t have known. I’m not worried about it. You’re over worrying.” She didn’t say anything more to him but continued to look concerned as he stuffed a few chips in his mouth.

“Maybe you’re under-worrying,” she said, giving him sass. He laughed at her attitude and decided to change the subject.

“Sick of airplanes yet?” he asked. “Cause if you aren’t yet, you will be soon.”

“No, not yet,” said CJ.

“When we get to the North America leg in July, we use tour buses a lot more to get around, unless we’re going from one side of the country to the other. You might like that more. Sometimes we leave right after a show and drive overnight to the next city.”

“I’d be with you for that? Or on a different bus?” she asked.

“Ya, of course,” he said. As the words left his mouth, he realized he hadn’t put much thought into the subject. His previous assistant had traveled with him on the same bus. But it had been different, since his previous assistant had been a man. He had never dealt with having to travel with a female assistant. There were three beds on his bus, one in the master bedroom, which he slept in, one pullout couch, and one over cab loft bed. Despite it being a large luxury RV, he didn’t know if it would be appropriate to share such a close space with her. He didn’t know if he could share such a close space with her. The thought of it made his head spin. He couldn’t think about it now, he had over a month to think about it. He could make decisions later.  

-

Upon landing in Lisbon, CJ received a barrage of texts, her phone pinging several times rapidly. They were all texts from Jess.

Where are you!?!?

What band is that!?

How are you on stage!?

Smiling to herself, she typed back.

This is my summer job, and maybe for longer than that.

A moment later her phone began to ring. They were still taxiing on the tarmac and CJ rejected the call and texted.

Hold on, about to head to the hotel, I’ll call in 30.

Jess quickly responded.

Ugggghhh you’re such a tease.

-

Duff and Mark made plans to meet for lunch after they had settled everything in their hotel rooms. It would be good to catch up a bit during a time when they weren’t backstage and preparing for a show. They planned to walk over together, but Mark got caught up with some business-related matters, and told Duff to go on ahead and get a table. Duff sat on the second-floor balcony of a little café they had chosen on the water. It was a quiet afternoon with only a few other patrons. The weather was breezy and warm, solidifying the relaxed and laidback atmosphere of the place.

When Mark arrived 15 minutes later, he had a look of discomfort on his face. He oddly sat down without saying anything.

“What?” said Duff.

“Have you been online lately?” asked Mark.

“No? not really,” said Duff. “Not since this morning.” Mark pulled out his phone and unlocked it and slid it across the table face up. Duff looked at it and was briefly confused at what he was seeing. It was a Twitter post, posted only an hour ago by what looked like a GNR fan account. It was a picture of him and CJ. It appeared to be from last night’s show, right before GNR had taken the stage. It was taken from somewhere down in the pit. It was a blurry shot of the moment he had bent down from behind the stage riser to hear CJ’s comment about Mark’s performance. CJ was slightly leaning over the back of her chair, her head tilted back. It made her cleavage in the red top she had been wearing look nearly pornographic. His face was turned inward to her ear so he could speak closely enough for her to hear him over the music. But the way that the picture was angled made it look as if he had his face buried in her neck and she was enjoying it and leaning back into it. The caption was short and read: ‘Duff’s new gf?’

-

By the time CJ got to her hotel room and was able to take her phone back out Jess had figured it out. A text from 20 minutes ago read,

It’s Guns N’ Roses, isn’t it.

The phone only rang once before Jess picked up.

“What the hell Thompson,” said Jess, “How are you backstage at a Guns N’ Roses concert and I’m not there!?”

“I can get you tickets,” said CJ, “Pick a date, any date, anywhere.”

“Did your aunt reconnect with Axl Rose?” Jess knew Mindy had been old friends with Axl. It had been brought up a few times during their time in college.

“Apparently they never disconnected,” said CJ, “He offered me a job as a personal assistant on their current tour.”

“You’re Axl Rose’s personal assistant!?” exclaimed Jess loudly.

“No,” said CJ, “I’m Duff McKagan’s personal assistant.”

“The bass player?” asked Jess.

“Ya, that’s the one,” said CJ, walking over the hotel window and looking out over the city.

“You have got to get me tickets!!” said Jess, “Where are you now?”

“Europe until mid-July,” said CJ, “Then we start in the U.S.”

“I’m pulling up the dates now,” said Jess. CJ glanced at the clock on the wall to see that it was 11:00 A.M. She counted the hours in her head.

“Wait a minute, what time is it there? Isn’t it like 3 in the morning?” asked CJ.

“It is,” said Jess, “I was headed to bed, but now I’m too excited to sleep.”

“Well go to bed,” said CJ, with a laugh. “I can get you tickets any time, pick a date and just let me know. I can probably get you backstage with me too.” There was a knock on her door, which distracted her away from Jess’ excitement.

“Hey, I gotta go,” said CJ, “I’ll text you; someone is at my door.”

“You’re killing me,” said Jess, “TEXT ME!”

“I will!” said CJ.

She ended the call and quickly made her way to the door, expecting it to be Duff. Instead, Tate was standing there.

“Hey,” he said, “You busy?” She was caught off guard by his presence.

“Oh, no, not at the moment.”

“There’s a gelato stand just outside the hotel. I was headed down to get some and then grab lunch with some of the others if you’re interested?” CJ had nothing else planned for the afternoon. Maybe the gym in the evening, right before dinner. But it wouldn’t hurt to get some fresh air for a bit. It also wouldn’t hurt to be social and maybe try to make some friends with the people she’d be alongside for the next several months and possibly more.

“Sure,” she said, stepping out and shutting the door behind her.

[poetessinthepit]

I've always been pro-choice but before Roe V Wade was overturned, I honestly never considered how extreme abortion bans would affect miscarriage care and women who want to be pregnant. One of my best friends lives in Texas. She and her husband are considering moving. They want to have kids, and she's terrified that if something goes wrong, she won't get the care she needs in an emergency. She's also concerned about general access to pre-natal care with OB-GYN shortages. She's always wanted kids for as long as I've known her, and she's got the perfect partner, but she's afraid to even try, and I can't blame her. I would be, too. To me, it goes to show that these laws are really all about controlling women. It had nothing to do with protecting life. They don't care about women dying in pregnancy.

[away-ward]

What do you think would have happened if Emmy got pregnant in highschool. I always wonder about this since Will lowkey has a breeding kink.

Will would have been surprised but also excited. Never too early to start his life with Emory, since he "knew" it was always meant to be them. Is he ready to be a dad? No. But he's ready for any adventure with Emmy. Even better, she has no excuses now. They'll be forever tied together. He can afford a baby (with mommy and daddy's money). They can still go to school and do all the normal stuff; they'll just do it together and with a little one. Since he's his parent's favorite, they'll be disappointed but not for too long. Especially not after they see how cute the little baby is.

Emory would probably be devastated; would seriously consider abortion, or never telling Will and leaving Thunder Bay. Her fears of trapping him in her hellscape all coming true. If Will did find out despite her efforts, he would play the "I'm a part of this too" card, and try to convince her to stay and rely on him, which she would struggle with.

Most surprising would be Martin. Because Emory's fears would be that Martin would be angry to find out about her and Will, and that would lead to him hurting her or the both of them. However, Martin said he would have loved it because it would be a access point for him. Whether that's true or not, or if he would have snapped on impulse in the moment, isn't really known. I'll be honest, this is the part I've thought about the most, since nothing that Martin says can be trusted. If Martin was being truthful and that would have been his natural reaction, I think it would have actually given Emory more of a reason to run. It would be one thing to bring Martin's physical abuse to light. It would be an something else entirely to give him a way to manipulate the Grayson's through their grandchild.

I would love to think that the Grayson's would have saved Emory. And knowing A.P., I doubt it would be any skin of his back to make Martin disappear from Emory's life. It would be a matter of getting Emory to let them do it.

Very interesting question. I wonder what other headcanons are out there?

[rjalker]

Random parts from my dream:

Part.....2?

The mom: Oh, yeah, I've known who your soulmate was since you were 13, lol, you just didn't notice the message written in the clouds.

[the person who's just met their soulmate for the first time paraphrasded in the ether: and you didn't bother to tell me???]

The husband, cheerfully: Yeah, I think he'll have something to tell you that I forgot.

[the person who just met their soulmate paraphrased in the ether: Why aren't you upset about this????]

[the husband paraphrased in the ether: because we chose to get married and I know we actually love eachother. a soulmate bond can't even try to compete with that.]

It was a world where soulmates were a thing and forever ago before written history people had figured out that you could easily break a soulmate bond by just. aborting the baby it produced. and then the Magic Eugenics God™ would go ewwwwwwwwww you had a misscariage you're unfit to be in my breeding program get outta here!!!

and then in the future they invented medicine you could just take to simulate an abortion/miscarriage so no one actually had to get pregnant. If you found your soulmate you could just take the meds and instantly break the bond before any bullshit happened.

___

then there was stuff about Flatland I mostly forget...I think A Sphere and A Square went on a picnic...

___

Part...1?

there were 3 rings that were used to create portals to three other worlds. One was called White As Death and had a symbol of a bone. It opened a portal to The Death Zone. Another one was...okay I just forgot what it was called but it was red and had a symbol of a cloud. It went to The Twilight Realm. The last one I didn't learn the name, but it was green and had a symbol of a snake that looked like the number 2. I have no clue where it went.

The Death Zone was where ghosts and other souls of the living went after death. The Twilight Realm was I think an endless dungeon thing. if you ever found the sky it was always pink and purple and cloudy which is where it got its name.

To open a portal, you had to have all three rings, worn by three different people, and you had to use them to trace the same shape in the air that would become the portal. Whichever ring you used last would determine your destination.

The portal making thing wasn't going well because the people were failing to communicate properly and the first time thy made the portal too small for anyone to actually fit through. Then they got in a tent and made the portal by tracing along the doorway. Then they all grabbed the tent and ran through the portal, which flipped it inside out and....successfully closed the portal behind them???

very weird.

___

And then there was this guy, Riowolf, or to his friends, Rioruff. A trans man who was kidnapped by the government and experimented on in a secret evil lab into a partially-transformed werecatwolf (the government wanted 'the best traits of cats and wolves combined with Human Intellect™') before they tossed him back out onto the street. A common problem in this setting, with varying results. The government has not suceeded in making a full werecatwolf (or werecat, or werewolf) yet but they don't care how many people they have to torture to make one.

being bitten by one does not let you become one. yet.

His ear normally stands fully upright but I made the canvas too short. this is supposed to be expressionless since it's just a character reference.

[ID: A simple digital drawing of an original character. In the center top of the image is his face, in the lower left and right are a very simply drawn version of his full body, flipped to show his front and back. The left half of his face (which is on his right) is light pink, with darker red-pink burn marks on his forehead, over his eye, and his mouth, with this eye closed, drooping to the left. His mouth also droops to the left. The other half of his face is covered in black fur, with a tall pointed ear, a grey nose, and whiskers. His eye on this side has dark sclera, a large round pupil, and a red iris. The black fur continues down half of his body and includes a long tail, with a red double-spike at the end. On his wrists and ankles are grey, red, and grey stripes. He wears no clothes,and the human half of his body is simple pink blobs in the shape of an arm and leg. On the werecatwolf side, he has a digitigrade leg and a paw, both with sharp claws. End ID.]

with extra text and also his clothes

[ID: The same drawing above, but now Riowolf is wearing a red short-sleeved shirt under a denim jacket with tattered edges, and grey jeans with ripped edges. On the werecatwolf side, the jeans have been cut at the knee. The front of the jacket is covered in many small black pins, with text reading, "assorted other pins", "he/him pronoun pin (trans man). On the back is a black symbold of scratches left by claws. An arrow points at his closed eye, labeling it, "blind in this eye". Smaller text above his angled ear on the face closeup reads, "not mad the canvas is just too short". In the upper left corner, text reads, "July 22 2024, public domain, Riowolf or to friends Rioruff". End ID.]

He's a punk anarchist. He lives in a time when there's either nuclear winter, or just on a completely separate planet where there's constant cloud cover making it "permenant night". Cities are enclosed and kept heated by some sort of thing with wind. certain parts of the city would always have lights on for visitors from other cities, others would switch on and off to simulate day and night cycles.

Here's what the end of his tail looks like. Not really sure what you call this shape.

[ID: an MS Paint scribble of Riowolf's tail, which is solid black except for the end, where there is a large red double-spike, like a flattened bolt of lightning, or the letter N mirrored onto itself. End ID.]

I think they were transforming people by dunking them into giant chemical vats. It wasn't very clear though.

You can see the speedpaint of me drawing him, as long as the HD versions of the art above to download here on the Internet Archive:

[yoitsmano]

Tabloids

Keeping Jade’s name out of the headlines had been easy enough before. But now that she was pregnant, her name seemed to be everywhere.

West Heiress Unmarried, Unmated, and Pregnant?

Who’s the sire? Does her father know?

Robert West’s Daughter Pregnant!

Who’s the Daddy? What does Robert have to say about it?

Jade West Secretly Married? Expecting baby soon?

Who’s the lucky guy or gal?

Jade West spotted with baby bump!

Does Robert approve of the sire?

It was starting to get annoying that these people thought they knew anything about her life without even so much as a sit down with her. Not that she would accept, her private life is her private life. She’s never been one to want to be in the spotlight. The only attention she needed now was from Tori, who had just returned from the store to grab her favorite snacks and some oils to rub her feet with.

Carrying her child was taking a toll on Jades ankles. Babies were heavy. But Tori was ever the doting alpha and wouldn’t let her do any unnecessary tasks.

But the photos on the covers of those magazines were when she went out with her brother to buy new maternity dresses, while Tori was at work. It seemed she grew two sizes overnight.

Tori’s job had been changed from Pool Cleaner to mucking out the stables. Robert was being petty but she was still earning a paycheck, so she wasn’t mad about it. He wasn’t thrilled about Tori getting his daughter pregnant. But even he could admit that violating her HIPAA rights and trying to force an abortion on his daughter was wrong. So he didn’t outright fire the insolent alpha pup. The young Vega seemed to genuinely love his daughter, and was not just acting out of territorial alpha instinct. It didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.

Robert was startled from his thoughts by a magazine being slammed into his desk. He looked up to see his son standing in front of him. “What’s all this?”

“Your daughter’s name being dragged through the mud. Absolutely non of these headlines should say unmarried. Tori’s already got her a ring and proposed to her twice.

Robert didn’t say anything, instead pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

“Why won’t you get your head out of your ass for once and let Jade marry Tori? Give them your blessing.”

“The stable hand has no business marrying a woman of such high status.”

“She’s only the stable hand because you put her there.”

“Exactly! She should be lucky she still has a job. Both she and her father.”

“She doesn’t need a job, Dad. We’ve known the Vega’s since before I could walk. Since before Jade was even born. You know as well as I that Tori could take care of Jade without you. They may not be Billionaires, but they come from money. The only reason Tori is still putting up with your literal shit is because she thinks you will eventually come around and give her your blessing.”

“She’s already done enough without my blessing.”

“You should know at your age that Tori wasn’t the only one involved. It takes two to tango.”

“Oh I’m not the only one who knows. My entire staff were taking bets on how long it would take me to find out. They even defiled my study.”

“Oh I know, I was the one who found them. Did you ever stop to think why they were starting to go to places that you could easily find them? Jade has been trying to get your attention for years. But you’re always off on your business trips. It’s no wonder she fell in love with the one person who wasn’t afraid to give her the love and attention she craved from you. You treat her like an object to throw money at, when all she wants is her father to see her as a person and to love her.”

“She’s my only daughter, of course I love her.”

“Don’t tell me that, tell her.”

“I shouldn’t have to say it.”

“You do to Jade.”

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

i’m a dreamer, but i’m from nowhere, who am i to dream?

AO3

lone·li·ness

(noun)

1. sadness because one has no friends or company.

2. (of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation.

Debbie has always been alone.

She was a lonely child, no mother, practically no father, no friends, no money, no nothing. Just a bunch of siblings who never favored her.

She tried to fill the gaping hole that this loneliness had created in her heart. She read books, made artwork, earned money, flirted with boys, had sex, and eventually, got pregnant. No matter how many things she had tried to do to distract herself from the loneliness, it was still there. Maybe when she had sex, for a second, the feeling of dread and sorrow in the bottom of her stomach would leave, but it always returned. Nothing and nobody in her life ever returned but her loneliness.

She’s always wanted to be a mother; she thought that once she had a baby, she would never feel alone.

That has been proven to be incorrect.

She’s currently lying in a hospital bed, her baby, Frances, next to her in the bassinet the hospital gave her, but she’s still lonely. Nurses have been coming into the room frequently to check on Debbie and the baby, mostly the baby. She had a lactation come in and she managed to get Franny to latch and eat.

She’s a mother now. She shouldn’t feel alone.

Frances is beautiful. Her eyes are blue, resembling her grandfathers, who she was named after (who also had just happened to leave Debbie. In fact, he left when she was in labor), and her hair is bright red, resembling her mother and uncle. She looks nothing like Derek. It’s bittersweet.

She hasn’t had any visitors yet. Granted, it’s only been a couple of hours, but still. She refused to let Fiona come as Fiona had been voicing her opinions about Debbie’s pregnancy for months, but a part of Debbie still wants Fiona to come. She wants to show Fiona how Franny eats, and she wants to prove that she can really be a mother.

Can she be a mother?

What is a mother?

Debbie’s not stupid. She was always the top of her class, she’s always known everything and she’s always been prepared for everything. With motherhood, she had just assumed that she knew everything. She assumed that she’d get the hang of it and that she’s had enough practice with Liam and with her daycare experience.

For the first time in her life, Debbie feels clueless, lost, and young. She’s still young, she turned fifteen a week ago. She spent so much time yearning for adulthood and for a mother that she has only just now realized that she missed out on childhood completely. Maybe being “mature for her age” and an “adult in a child’s body” wasn’t a good thing.

When she had first held Franny in her arms, she felt a connection. Of course, there was a connection. Franny had literally been connected to her for nine months, Franny grew inside of her, Franny was, in a way, Debbie. Even if she now yearns for childhood and company, she would never leave this baby. She could have never aborted this baby.

It would take Franny doing something really horrible for Debbie ro leave. But even then, she wouldn't. In fifteen years, when Franny is Debbie’s age now, she could get pregnant and Debbie would still love her.

So why doesn’t Fiona still love Debbie? Why did Monica leave Debbie? To an extent, Debbie understands Fiona was a mother purely because of circumstance, but she was still a mother. Had Fiona felt that connection with Lip, Ian, Carl, or Liam? Had Monica? Had everybody else connected, but was Debbie the black sheep?

She considers asking the doctor to do some sort of neurological examination on her brain. She wants to know if maybe she has some sort of rare disease that makes her so off-putting. Maybe there’s some wires in her brain that don’t quite work right, so she can’t form a connection with anybody. There has to be something there. She’s clearly the problem, but maybe that can be fixed. Maybe she can get some sort of confirmation about why everybody leaves.

Her phone is on the table next to her bed and Franny’s bed. She reaches over and grabs it, and without thinking, she calls Fiona.

The number rings and rings, until eventually,

“Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging syst-”

She hangs up and slams her phone down irritated, and that makes the baby wake up and cry.

Debbie sighs, sitting up (which is much more painful than she had anticipated, because of her age, the damn doctors refused to give her the good drugs) and grabbing her daughter. She cradles her in her arm and shushes her. No matter what she says or does to try to end the cries, the baby ignores her. Wow. She’s known her for only a few hours and already the effect that Debbie seems to have on people has rubbed off on her.

She’s never felt more alone.