#i hate myself jesus christ
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Ping-ponging back and forth between wanting to have a healthy relationship with food and my body and then absolutely destroying any kind of progress I've made within the past 5 years
#this is great#this is exactly how i wanted my semester here to go#feels good#feels organic#just what i needed after feeling way too good and secure about my eating habits and being more or less content with my body#let's just#destroy that#why wouldn't i#void screams#i hate myself jesus christ#why am i doing this and why can't i just stop lmao#tw eating issues
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just remembered that asscreed underworld exists and i am baffled once again. how does this book claim ethan frye to be a good dad when all you need to do is take one look at evie and jacob separate and together to realize no, what the fuck, he absolutely wasnt, not anywhere close
#im exaggerating but like#the book is incredibly stupid#i loved some parts of it! i think the thing with henry and freddy was pretty neat#but like#ethan??#?????#i heard abt the book supposedly being more canon than the game but like fuck that. absolutely fucked if true#i hate ubisoft why am i emotionally invested in a ubisoft game why do i do this to myself#ac syndicate#assassin's creed: syndicate#ethan frye#evie frye#jacob frye#like jesus christ what sort of dad tells his kids to supress their emotions#not a good one!!!
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Fuck Paramount. Seriously. I'm literally incoherent with anger right now.
#john oliver#the daily show#the daily show with jon stewart#the colbert report#stephen colbert#jon stewart#mtv news#paramount#fuck paramount#this is such bullshit#I'm gonna throw myself through a door#just jesus christ#i hate corporations keeping art from consumers because ???#i don't even know#time to join the going merry
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congrats to toshiro for being the first male victim of fandom misogyny
#i just saw someone tell that they hate him bc he is in the way of f_rcille. goodbye im killing myself#LIKE.....HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE ANY PROBLEM WITH THATTT#ARE YOU STUPIDDD#IDGAF THAT YOU LIKE YOUR WHITE SHIP DONT FUCKING GO BE RACIST TO HIM WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU#but errmmm its okay bc he a MAN!!!! and a CREEP and a mysoginyst!!! he manic pixie dream girl'd falin!!!! <- SARCASM#can you pls not hate on my autistic asian guy. bc of white ppl#dunmeshi#fandom racism#also if you hate him AT LEAST USE HIS NAME. HIS REAL NAME!!! TOSHIRO!!! GOOODDDDDD#'he owned slaves' THATS HIS DAD. HIS FATHER. AN AUTHORITATIVE FIGURE. HE CANT SPEAK UP ITS A NUANCE BC YOU CANNOT SPEAK BACK TO YUR PARENTT#and also the fact that hes the eldest so i sympathize with him sm. as an eldest sibling#jesus christ. im so tired of this fandom i dont think i can ever fucking interact with it. i hate this.#im reusing this joke fuck you#rant#dungeon meshi#toshiro nakamoto
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Ya no se si me gusta pero..... Hm... Nature.
#moral orel#orel puppington#moral orel fanart#clay puppington#angela puppington#my art#Yeah it's “Mama” by MCR... I can't help myself man#fun fact my grandma from my dad's side is named “Angela” too so#yep#I'm so DAMN tired shoot me#I'd like to take this moment to thank my girlfriend Marn for helping me with art tips#aka letting me copy her beautiful art hacks I lov you honeyy#💙💙💙💙💙💙#I'm going to EAT this brush and texture AUGHGJJDOIRORJ B RJ rips my face off#speaking of which#I miss you sm.....#all you need is love !!!1!! all you need is loveeeee#jesus christ sorry I'm annoying I'm in love guys <3333#mcr lyrics#also I'm looking at you you know who who said something about his stance 😭😭😭#okay shutting up#only for my girl te amo !1!!!1#bro's mom turned into a chicken 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#yeah in spanish it sounds more romantic JAJAJAJJAjwkkeoeio4j3nneeio4i4k#moral orel makes me 😄🔫#I HATE CLAY'S HAIRLINE ❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️
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Illymation: Don't be a dick to fat people.
The internet: EWWWW SHE'S GLORIFYING OBESITY LET'S DOX HER!!!!!!!
#illymation#doxxing#like jesus fucking christ#I felt so bad for her#all she did was make a video about her experiences#bitches hate nuance#At least I found out about a cool new youtuber#noah samsen#he's the goat#yes I know he's been doing youtube for years but I JUST found out about him now#anyways I hope Illy's doing okay#she doesn't deserve this#like probecita she had to move states#I'd probably kill myself if I was in her shoes#hope she's doing good#it was her video on her abusive ex that help me realize I was groomed and encouraged me to get psychological help#I'm not saying she's a saint but no one deserves to be doxxed and harrassed the way she was#also fuck tbys#he can suck my dick#man need to get a life
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Never let your parents know you have a hobby they will always ruin it for you
#Im so fucking exhausted i hate that they can make me feel guilty about doing something that i love#Apparently my art isnt good enough to be my main hobby im wasting my time. Jesus christ#I just wanted to draw tonight!! After i finished all my schoolwork!!#Now im sitting here feeling bad about myself for doing the thing i love most. God#Ruby illness
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i cannot stop thinking about anissa and marky though [COMIC SPOILERS]
how did he react when he learned what his mother did? just like mark, he lived a lie. he thought his mother was kind and nice — the only thing that is true is that she loved him, but now, he has no idea if he should believe it
and. you've grown up being conditioned to believe that violence is peace, and that kindness is a lie and a weakness. you hurt people. by hurting a person, by destroying him irreparably, you found the boy you love most: your son. and you don't regret it. you hope one day, once he sees him, he'll get it. but you still don't regret it. you can't say you're sorry
marky will grow up without his biological father, because when mark hugs him he can only remember his mother and what she did to him. your father can't love you the way your mom did. you can't love your mother the way your father loved his
the worst part is, that it she hadn't done it, you wouldn't have existed. you wouldn't be here. your father will grow to love you. you will grow to accept each other. but you tend to wonder — if he never sees you as anything else other than your mother's son, then who will you have when everyone else you know dies?
#i hate anissa but also her character was done so well#like i hate her#fuck her#but jesus christ.#wow#i feel so bad for marky honestly#when anissa said “i don't regret it. tell him. tell him he'll understand when he sees him”#that shit hurt me#that was the WORST time for you to die girl#i was like “idc about anissa thank fuck she died” but then#i put myself in marky's place. and WOWWW#you gotta be strong to deam with that#YOU GOTTA BE STRONG TO BE ANY INVINCIBLE TBH#LIKE WOW.#thinking about mark now#imagine learning that the person who hurt you the most is a better person now#and that means she regrets kt#but then you learn right after her death that she does not regret it at all#you don't even get to hear an “i'm sorry”. not that you'd have listened to it#then you learn she had a son. with you. named AFTER YOU#honestly i can't blame him for allowing things to be THAT awkward w marky#i am so glad the reconciled tho I don't think I'd be able to live if mark's son hated him#tw sa mention#invincible#invincible comic#comic spoilers#marky grayson#anissa invincible#mark grayson#b4 anyone gets this wrong: I DO NOT SUPPORT WHAT ANISSA DID. it's just that marky's relationship w her is smth i would love to see explored
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sometimes i get nishiki i really do
#snap chats#like from an outsider perspective it is utterly hilarious watching everything go wrong for him#BUT GIRL NOT ME STOP HAVING THIGNS GO WRONG FOR MEEEEEE WHAT IS ALL THIS#this month its actually one thing after another if i start wearing white everyone needs to be concerned#you guys remember my bullshit roommates yeah well TLDR im getting fined for their messes im going to SCREAM#I HATE IT HEERRRREEE I KNOW IM EVIL BUT CMON#literally had such a silly night last night and now everything sucks again is this life is this what life is#its not its not what life is im just hearing my mom bitching in the other room and im letting her vibes ruin mine#everything going to be ok this is just a hiccup .... a small pinprick in the tapestry of life ....#i am incredibly annoyed though cause this is one of those situations where youve done nothing wrong but youre being shot for it#its just unfair but whatever we ball ..... im putting the hair gel away guys im not slicking my hair back just yet ....#i got a new friend last night so maybe ill just hang with them later and ill remember life is beautiful ..#heh ... jk ... i can remind myself life is beautiful right now ... im gonna go eat some tiramisu ...#jesus christ i really do love italian food what the fuck. pasta / calamari / tiramisu#i dont think calamari is italian but i got it from an italian place w/e we get the picture#its not my fault that italy has good food ... i would just never go there .....#ok bye ima go eat and drink water now. water will remind me how beautiful life is ...
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cdnfweek 2023, 16/08 — worship/devotion
Haven't had a dream in a long time / See, the life I've had can make a good man bad / So, for once in my life, let me get what I want / Lord knows it would be the first time
#jesus christ this gave me a headache#BUT I DID IT TODAYYY and with only like 30 minutes left#i will hate myself so much tomorrow because i need to wake up early BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER !#myart#cdnf#cdnfweek#c!dnf
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Just saw the F1 (Brad Pitt) movie trailer thanks I hate it
#one of the worst thing I have seen in a while#the title is...is nothing. NOTHING. Jesus I am not saying come up with the best title ever but 'F1' is not a movie title.#it's an abbreviation of the name of the sport#hell Rush wasn't a brilliant titoe either but it was something at least#'who said anything about safe' jesus christ I know I myself am a relatively new fan but I have to ask#does Brad Pitt know anything about this sport#is someone going to explain to him that hurting oneself/dying in a car crash doesn't make you cooler#that it IS important that a car is safe when the sport is already so dangerous in itself#I will only pirate this movie for the cameos (Gunther and Max are who I saw for now)#but God it already looks like a shitshow#and the song...I love Queen but it really looks like they wanted to put a generic ass popular rythmic song#it's like they put the same effort in choosing the song that they put in choosing the title#the bare minimum#I swear I didn't watch the trailer wanting to hate it. I swear. The disappointment is just that much.#f1#formula 1#f1 movie#brad pitt#Edit: WRONG there are more drivers in the movie which simultaneously makes me happier and sadder
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Posting some mini art tutorials while I work on some bigger projects.
First we have Darceus Alamastern, created by @toothpastecanyon in Unto Dust
And last (but not least) we have Nxlar the Antithetical, made by @gnomewithalaptop in Transcendence AU dash simulator and also appeared in The Comfort of Agony chapter 8
#transcendence au#my art#how to draw#mine#Nxlar the Antithetical#Darceus Alamastern#combined these took an hour to make#still proud though#I don’t really know how to make the glitch effect work#also I use procreate#Jesus Christ I just realized how much of my time these fics have been taking up#and how I probably seem a little deranged from obsession#I need a nap#but I hate naps#HEEEELLP WHY DOES DARCEUS’S EYES LOOK LIKE THAT#oh yeah and if u want u can add spider details on Nxlar’s eyes#I planned a n doing lineart for the bigger projects this event by#so that I can color on a plane tomorrow#but I only want to do the sketching 😭😭😭#and I don’t want to half-ass the pictures bc I’m really excited about them#I’ll make myself do them after dinner
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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I've been seeing a lot of posts going around lately about how lesbianism needs to be more heavily policed, if you feel in any way discriminated against by other lesbians it's because you're not actually a real lesbian, you're lesbophobic, etc etc, and I really am fucking tired of it I have to be honest. You are not lesbophobic for being a complicated human being. I thought we were fucking aware by now that heavily policing lesbian identities was never cute, we had it with the fucking gold star lesbian bullshit, with the fucking political lesbian bullshit, etc etc. If you are so woke to the idea that society pressures women to be sexually attracted to men, why are you not woke to the idea that that can affect someone's psyche and how they perceive their own sexuality? Sexuality is complicated, gender is complicated, and idk why y'all are incapable of believing that can make identifying as any strict label complicated?? Acting like people haven't had it out for non-binary lesbians, for trans lesbians, for lesbians who used to id as bi and vice versa, for literally everyone who doesn't fit the cis gold star lesbian attracted to other cis gold star lesbian mold, and every time I see one of these posts I have to always check the notes for terfs because you are literally spouting off the same shit as them word for goddamn word. I was in an abusive relationship with a man for 3.5 years and identified as bisexual, and then after I got out of that relationship, I lost interest in men/realized I never had any (??? SHIT IS COMPLICATED), I haven't been with a man in 5 years but I still feel like I need to be paranoid about labeling myself as a lesbian and I can't talk about my past because sometimes I'm not sure if I still feel attraction to men and it's just suppressed because of trauma, or if I only think that I'm feeling attraction to men because of heteronormativity, etc and it's scary to even mention right now bc y'all are literally incapable of acknowledging that sexuality is complicated sometimes?? Like legit! If you are woke to heteronormativity how can you not understand that makes shit complicated. I know 40 year old lesbians who had threesomes with a man and it doesn't matter to them because they know who they are and what they are about. Also, other queer people using labels that make themselves feel comfortable is not somehow discrimination against you. Other queer people are not your fucking enemies and you need to stop treating them like your enemies, because it is not cute. You are not protecting lesbianism, you are just making people with complex and nuanced experiences feel unsafe. Get some fucking solidarity. I am tired. I am tired.
#if somebody tells me i have to identify as bisexual because of complicated and unclear feelings i keep to myself#im stealing something out your house!!#why tf is anybody's identity any of your goddamn business anyways jesus christ#just let people be themselves holy fuck. it literally does not hurt you#honestly preparing myself for hate over this but i just feel like its important to say#bc i know how negatively this affects people who dont fit the pristine cookie cutter idea of a label#but like bitch most people don't. life is complicated.#i talk
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me: fuck what a day
the clock: 1:07pm
#that was. a very difficult two hours.#i do not do well dealing with uncertainty#and there is. so much of it to go around rn.#and seeing my mom in so much pain is so hard.#because some of it really is her fault. but a lot of it really isn’t.#and either way it sucks.#and either way the only things i could do about it would involve great personal sacrifice#and everything in my gut says Fix It Figure It Out Do Whatever It Takes To Save Her#but . it wouldn’t be fair to me.#but it’s also not fair to her.#and i hate it i hate it i hate it#i hate having to choose myself.#i hate having to not choose her.#and that’s so fucked up. and the guilt alone is proof that I Cannot Do It. it would cost me too much. but Jesus fucking Christ.#i hope she’s right. i hope she does win the lottery.#izzy.txt
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