#i had to make this set because i feel extremely close to a mental breakdown when i think about it

[radialarch]

episode 5 // episode 6

jo yeong slipping out of formal speech

[juiceyobsessionist]

My first contribution to this fandom is this six page essay i wrote on gloxinias morality for ethics class.

More under the cut

Gloxinia of Repose is a character from the Netflix show The Seven Deadly Sins, and ultimately one of the more interesting characters within the show. Gloxinia’s morality is a warped and twisted version of consequentialism. Gloxinia serves as a minor antagonist through the series, though in the end he ends up as something akin to a ‘hero’. However, due to the nicheness of the show itself, some background information is vital to understanding Gloxinia’s complexly twisted morality.

The setting of The Seven Deadly Sins is a vaguely medieval time period, with a fantasy genre. Gloxinia is part of a gang labeled The Ten Commandments whose goal is to take over the land of Britannia. Opposing The Ten Commandments is a group called The Seven Deadly Sins.

It’s a rather simple ‘good versus evil’ fight, with The Ten Commandments generally having some twisted morality and a dislike for most of the other races.

However, Gloxinia was something of an odd character. He was not outright bloodthirsty. He was sadistic and childishly cruel, yes. He seemed to prioritize fun over actually doing his job properly, and was willing to put on a big performance rather than fighting with all his might. Most notably, Gloxinia had a particularly pessimistic view of the world and seemed to have some sort of grudge against humans. He even went so far as to call them a “Vial repugnant race”. To add to this, he also was shown to be rather lazy and self centered. The only person he was actively nice to was his friend Drole. Every other person who allied with the humans, he attempted to kill in the most fun way possible and was shown to get rather annoyed when people strayed from his little ‘game’.

Then, he did a quick switch up. He stopped being awful after he helped to kill his ex friend, Meliodas. All through the fight scene with Meliodas, Gloxinia could be seen actively feeling bad. This scene is extremely important, because it proves that Gloxinia is not sociopathic. He does have some sort of twisted morality behind him.

Then, after that, he switches and decides to help out The Seven Deadly Sins, giving Harlequin and Diane a large portion of his own power to do so. He discovers his dead sister was still alive, and ends up sacrificing himself in order to let The Sins escape from the demon Chandler, and to attempt to make up for all of his wrong doings. He ends up dying rather quickly, but he seems content with his choices, as he did die with a smile on his face.

Through all of this, he also has his friend Drole right by his side. The two even end up dying together. Drole and his sister were his favorite people, and Gloxinia was not ever shy in showing that. He would heal Drole with a very limited healing ability, and the loss of his sister incited a 3,000 year long mental breakdown. This mental breakdown is where his crueler persona developed, and it’s what caused Gloxinia to join The Ten Commandments to begin with.

Yet, despite his clear adoration for his friends, he did not extend the same kindness to Meliodas. He actively helped kill Meliodas, and while Gloxinia clearly felt bad for Meliodas that did not stop his horrible actions. So the question is: Why? Why was Gloxinia willing to pick and choose which of his friends he killed off? Why was he willing to heal Drole, and go on a warpath for his sister Gerheade, yet he could not even find it in himself to spare his other friend? They all seemed just as close from the few interactions we saw. So what on Earth made Gloxinia willing to pick and choose between his friends? Well, the answer is simple. Gloxinia is a consequentialist, and he believed killing Meliodas was for the greater good.

According to Russ Shafer, author of The Fundamentals of Ethics, fifth edition, “If you have a choice between two options and the first is less good than the second, then the first can’t possibly be right.” This is a good way to sum up the entire thought process of consequentialism. The whole moral theory is based upon doing whatever good possible (Shafer-Landau). It is about minimizing damage and picking the best option from the wreckage, even in a bad situation (Shafer-Landau).

However, consequentialism is not without its issues. It is a rather easy morality to sway if you have the wrong ideals. As put by Alvin I. Goldman, author of RELIABILISM, VERITISM, AND EPISTEMIC CONSEQUENTIALISM, “Consider Judith Thomson's (1976) example of a transplant surgeon who encounters a patient during a routine check-up and decides to chop him up, take his organs, and transplant them in five other patients, each in need of one of those organs. From a teleological point of view, this action is good, perhaps even right. Greater overall happiness will be promoted by this action than by simply attending to the original patient and letting those in need of organ transplants die (Goldman).” As Goldman puts it in this quotation, prioritizing the needs of the many is not always necessarily ethical.

Now, this relates to Gloxinia and his moralities quite easily. He felt Meliodas was a threat. Meliodas had been branded a traitor to the demon race and The Ten Commandments were supposed to kill Meliodas and free the rest of the demon race from the seal.

Gloxinia had always been the type to weigh his options carefully. To try and choose the least harmful path, or the path that did the most good, as consequentialists tend to do. It is important to note that after being betrayed by a group of humans, Gloxinia saw humans as evil at this point. This is absolutely integral to his character, and the choices he makes. He chooses to try and kill Meliodas, one of his oldest and only friends, because Meliodas sided with the humans.

To Gloxinia, killing off all of the evil humans who tried to kill his sister was a good thing. Humans were a disgusting race which he despised. It only made sense for him to try for genocide. Meliodas was an obstacle to him at that point, and Gloxinia, in the truest consequentialist fashion, chose to help kill Meliodas. Gloxinia was clearly not happy about it, indicating that this decision was not one chosen lightly. This was something that made him consider his own moralities, and ultimately choose to attempt to do something that felt less wrong to him. Which is where helping Harlequin and Diane came into play.

He ended up helping them figure out how to be more powerful, while also informing them on the events that led the demon race to be sealed to begin with, as well as the events that led him to ultimately become a Commandment.

It would be a crime to speak on all of this, and leave out the most important event of Gloxinia’s life. An event that he based his entire morality off of, and the one that led Gloxinia to being a Commandment. His sister's death.

This whole event happened because he trusted a group of humans. The humans ended up betraying him and cutting off his sister's legs, her eye, and half of her wings. One human defected from the group and tried to save Gerheade, but Gloxinia spotted the human holding what he assumed was her mangled corpse and murdered the human. Then, Gloxinia went on to continue killing humans. As many as he could find. Zeldris found him and offered to let him join The Ten Commandments.

This was the greatest showing of his consequentialist nature showing through. To Gloxinia, killing off humans was for the greater good. The action may not have been fun, but it was something that had to be done. Or the humans may go around doing the same to others. While Gloxinia certainly did have fun with it, he still was doing it willingly.

What Gloxinia experiences when he changes sides and decides to kill humans is actually referred to as moral disengagement. Which, according to Helet Botha, author of Existentialist Perspectives on the Problem and Prevention of Moral Disengagement is “ Moral disengagement was originally conceived of as a psychological process—a set of cognitive mechanisms—whereby an individual becomes capable of dissociating with their internal moral standards and thus behaving unethically without feeling distress (see also Newman et al., 2020) (Botha).” This is how Gloxinia was able to do such a quick switch from liking humans to hating them.

Some people may attempt to argue that his morality could possibly be psychological egoism. A good way to sum it up is by Di Carlo Emiliano, author of Antecedents of Deviant Behavior: Psychological and Non-Psychological Factors and Ethical Justifications, “According to the homo economicus assumption, the human being is a self-serving individual only interested in maximizing its utility function (Jensen & Meckling, 1976) (Carlo Emiliano).” In other words, humans are selfish. They put themselves first, for better or worse. And considering how Gloxinia attempts to commit genocide against humans due to his own trauma, it may certainly see that way.

There’s no denying that everything Gloxinia did was tinged with a bit of selfishness. He killed, he separated families. Broke apart entire generations all because he decided he hated something. His sister turned out to be alive after all, and he apparently just left her there. He certainly thought she was dead, but that does not change the fact that it was selfish. Not only that, but a lot of Gloxinia’s dialogue would lead you to believe that he truely and genuinely believes that all humans are selfish. And he absolutely does. Which is why he goes out and kills the humans he’s killed.

“Is it appropriate to sacrifice one person to save many?” Is the question asked by Yoshiyuki Takimoto, author of Verification of the Japanese Version of Greene’s Moral Dilemma Task’s Validity and Reliability. This question is a great example of consequentialism, and Gloxinia’s overall mortality. He is willing to sacrifice one person to save many. And in the end, he sacrificed himself to try and slow down the demon Chandler. He lost and died. It was his way of bringing good out of all of the bad he had caused. The ultimate sacrifice.

So, with all of this being said, it’s quite clear that Gloxinia of Repose from the Netflix show The Seven Deadly Sins had a consequentialist morality. He constantly weighed the pros and cons of his own actions, was deliberate in the way he approached things, and consistently did his best to try and bring true goodness. Even though it was a very flawed and scary stance to take- genocide just really isn’t the correct answer for most problems. He still took this stance with the idea that what he was doing was absolutely and entirely good. And in the end, in an attempt to make things right, he sacrificed his own life. He died for his morality, his viewpoints, and to protect the very friends he tried to kill.

Bibliography

Shafer-Landau, R. (n.d.). The Fundamentals of Ethics (5th ed.). Oxford University Press.

Goldman, A. I. (2015). RELIABILISM, VERITISM, AND EPISTEMIC CONSEQUENTIALISM. Episteme,

.10th Anniversary of Episteme, 12(2), 131-143.

https://doi.org/10.1017/epi.2015.25

Di, C. E. (2022). Antecedents of Deviant Behavior: Psychological and Non-Psychological Factors and Ethical Justifications. Employee Responsibilities and Rights Journal, 34(2), 169-191. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10672-021-09387-x

Di, C. E. (2022). Antecedents of Deviant Behavior: Psychological and Non-Psychological Factors and Ethical Justifications. Employee Responsibilities and Rights Journal, 34(2), 169-191. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10672-021-09387-x

Takimoto, Y., & Yasumura, A. (2023). Verification of the Japanese Version of Greene’s Moral Dilemma Task’s Validity and Reliability. Psych, 5(1), 224. https://doi.org/10.3390/psych5010017

[daniclaytcn]

hi! I know you like s5 so I was curious to ask what you think are the good parts about it? As I’ve been rewatching I’m really seeing how there is a big drop off in buddie in 5 and 6, and it’s making me like both seasons less. I feel like Eddie’s breakdown is the only good part of 5 and everyone else is just sad and out of character 😅 not trying to be a hater, I’m genuinely looking for a positive perspective!

hm, i'm not really sure where you're getting the 'out of character' thing xD everything that the characters were going through in s5 was the direct consequence of everything that the end of s4 set up. eddie's getting shot was the catalyst of the resurgence of his PTSD. maddie's ppd was set up right from the beginning of s4 if you look closely enough. everything going on with the grant-nashes was the consequence of the end of s3 + the added factor of harry getting kidnapped. chimney was understandably under a severe amount of mental strain due to his fear for maddie. buck was dealing with the guilt of maddie & chim leaving + not knowing how to help eddie—and also being in an unhappy relationship (again, all set up in s4). you get the point. it's not like the events of s5 came out of nowhere, the show had been building up to them for A While. if it makes you feel uncomfortable and sad...that's kinda the point? 5A is not supposed to be happy! it's meant to be extremely dark and stressful! that's why the payoff in 5B feels so good, otherwise it would have been completely unearned.

also, if you felt s5 was lacking on the buddie front...that's your personal opinion and you're entitled to it, obviously, but i have to disagree. they had a very strong and coherent arc all the way through and quite a few major episodes. i think people tend to dismiss it just because buck was in a relationship with taylor at the time, but it was an extremely important part of their development all the same.

so..yeah! s5 is obviously not perfect and made choices i wasn't happy with, but i could also recognize where some of those choices came from BTS issues as well. idk. yes, it is a depressing season, especially 5A...but i like that kind of thing, to be honest, i liked the high stakes. it never left me bored. and in my opinion, the worst thing a piece of media can do is bore its viewers. (this is something 6A did quite a bit)

[reddogf13]

What headcannons/trivia do you have on Val?

slightly depends on the story I'm going for.

i think for the most part though, loosely to follow canon:

childhood/ family-ish

- Val has a bit more education then many of Knoths followers. Very likely by someone close, like her parents. Which prob did help her rise the ladder of deconhood.

- I believe she was born into the cult, but perhaps her grandparents + young adult parents joined.

- when she was young, by choice, she became an eunuch. (castrated.) or a sort of, based on actual history, a *castrado/ crastradi.

kinda some canon stuff around it, or left on the cutting floor(heh) by redbarrels. Art of Val with bloody lower parts possibly by self mutilation. Its mentioned in letters she cant have kids, which makes sense if deacons weren't allowed to have children as it'd be a distraction from church duty's. But also that despite her revolt, you'd think she'd be obsessed about making kids herself afterwards (if it wasn't a physical limitation). Being the parent of the Antichrist with easily acceptable/ consenting followers on her side of the river etc etc.

*a castrado/ crastradi was a very young boy (like 7yo - 9yo) who performed in opera, but before passing puberty was castrated. The point was to stop puberty in order to retain their higher pitched immature voices to preserve their opera careers. This procedure was illegal, aside from opera it also involved churches. This affected them in many other physical ways such as bone structure, lack of facial hair and having womanly figures to the point others assumed they were women until having personal interactions with them.

A castrado/ crastradi is different from a eunuch in that the early is before puberty while the other is after.

Very fascinating to read about. :v/

many people pass, in general vals self mutilation, off story wise because it “cant be done.” from blood loss to infection, etc etc. but they did do it years ago with above in very similar conditions. Kids were handed a bottle of heavy alcohol to knock out, get castrated, and wake up days later to a “good luck with your extreme pain” and no modern medicine. Some doctors who did it tried to be more merciful and kept the kids heavily drunk for DAYS after. (if we can have a nanobot swarm and experiments running around, Val surviving a castration can get a pass.)

anywhooo, I like placing Val on the cusp of castrado/ crastradi and eunuch to “explain” her physical “oddities.” where she was castrated maybe close to/ very beginning of puberty, but not quite in it. (and in some other story's I just made her a hermaphrodite, but I prefer the other idea.)

Adult life

- before the Murkoff tower went haywire and Knoth ordered her kids dead. she was stern, but a lot softer in an actual motherly way. Being a deacon was all about managing the community and kind of like a manager position. Planning events, setting up for church assembly's, seeing to peoples spiritual needs. Enough so that she got a following of her own to split away with later. Being charming and a good listening ear would have added onto that and I imagine Knoth may have rarely taken advice or suggestions. Even if she subtly fed it to him in a -make it his idea- way.

- her relationship with Marta I take as coworker friends of convenience. They hang out around work/ on break, but nothing past that. So when Val eventually broke off, Marta didn't care for or miss her.

- When things broke down/ child cull it was a horrible combo that lead her down, probably a few mental breakdowns as well, the most anti-god path she could go. It may have even started in a drug addiction like way. Feeling major freedom to energized before the bigger issues of addiction showed.

Because she interacts with the radio signals differently it may have given her an energy buzz that physically felt nice in more ways then one. And leaned into it, because there was obviously a lot going on in her life. To be away from it meant she had to face herself and her own children's blood on her hands. With absolutely no one there to help her, she was more so the advice giver as head deacon. Not the other way around. The only other person for that would've been Knoth, and we know he probably guilted, blamed and shrugged what traumas she had going on.

Leading into the radio towers being faulty, she got the courage to start those secret meetings. And going against Knoths teachings more freely.

Such as the note of a lady telling Knoth that Val was trying to have her go someplace secret. Suggesting “something sexual.” but also interesting was them noting Val's behavior as odd in comparison (doesn't define what). Which could be taken two ways- Val was a nightmare before and the offer is even more terrifying or that their personality has done a 180, and not acting like her normal self.

Not knowing what it was, she could only go with it being a god like power or a watchful being of some sort. She knew something/ someone was THERE, just not where. As if attempting to grab onto fog because she didn't have all the pieces to connect the tower/ Murkoff and so such.

over time the addiction issues came out like nightmares/ hallucinations/ physically ill etc. by the time she may have noticed things going poorly, she had no way to back out as the signals got worse. Feeding into it certainly had not helped.

Making this whole separate personality that over took her life and even made her forget what was going on. like with Blake going through the school, but hers would have been the children's cull as its based off of ones inner guilt. Feeling repeated waves of guilt + revived hatred would have easily lead her down a dark road to cause as much misery as possible to Knoth/ his followers. Adding on the sexual thrill crossing into violent killings the radio waves cause as well and its all the more a mess.

This whole part really requires its own novel length dissection and break down its worsening progress. from its beginnings to really get the meat of the massive shift of personality's. If you consider all the mentioned notes dates happening within a year. Then the children's cull happened in early March. Then a few months later started the heretics in June. then four (seven from the cull) months later Blake and Lynn crash into Temple Gate in October. You can see how fast Temple Gate really began to break down under the faulty tower despite existing for 40 years. Weather or not the experiment began only recently and not alongside its establish date.

[floralcavern]

Talking about my OCs bc I love them

Today I’m specifically talking about: how they feel about sex with their partner because I like to talk about topics like that in my stories and it can tell you a lot about them as a character. Only the ocs who are above 18, of course. 

Dusty

Due to his aggressive attitude and love for violence, he seems like he’d be rough in bed. No. He fucking hates that. Due to living a life where he was forced to go through brutal fights every day in order to make money and appease to his ‘friends’, plus him never being shown proper love and affection, the idea of sex also feeling like a battleground is something he cannot stand. 

When he and Foley did it for the first time, Foley assumed Dusty would want the experience rough, which led to Dusty having a mental breakdown. They got a lot better at discussing what they’re comfortable with after that. 

Foley

Foley doesn’t believe in the idea of unconditional love. So when Dusty goes off on how sex should only be something they should do if Foley truly loves him entirely, he was hesitant. 

Because of his hesitance on the idea of love, he and Dusty are just figuring it all out together. Foley is the top in their relationship, but he’s really only doing it all how Dusty wants, since Foley has no idea how any of this is really supposed to work. Unlike Dusty, he never had an idealized version of love. He just knows he wants Dusty to be comfortable and happy. 

~~~~ 

Bethany

Bethany had a boyfriend in the living world she wants to make it back to. So she hasn’t made any lovers in The In Between. She’s dead set on staying completely loyal to him. So despite being a Pirate Captain with many crew mates who try to win her over, she just tells them to knock it off and get back to work. 

~~~~

Jovita

Jovita doesn’t feel sexual attraction, but she’s willing to do it for Connie. She will never admit it, but she would do anything for her. She was the one who first recommended that they have sex, which genuinely surprised Connie. She doesn’t dislike the act, but she really love it either. She just likes the closeness she has with her girlfriend. 

Jovita comes from a life of perfection, needing to make things perfect upon their first time, which caused her stress. Connie had to encourage her to loosen up and just go with it. 

Connie

Connie was genuinely shocked when Jovita offered for them to make love the first time. She had been avoiding asking her, knowing Jovita was on the ace spectrum, so she was scared to make her uncomfortable. But she was happy to take up her offer. She even made a playlist for them to help them ‘get in the mood’ (even though Jovita doesn’t really ‘get in the mood’)

When she saw Jovita stressing over their first time, she played her a silly little song on her guitar to make her feel a little calmer and soothe her nerves. 

~~~~

Barry

After Barry lost their first love, Hannah, they threw themselves into multiple sexual scenarios just to feel something. In reality, they were miserable. 

And Jay could tell they were miserable and called them out on it. They were so surprised someone actually noticed their miserableness, but also hated being called out on it, so they developed some form of annoyance with Jay, but were also desperately attracted to him, loving how Jay was so emotionally aware, which is something they desperately want in a partner, but they’re too prideful to ever tell him that. 

Jay

Jay is very no nonsense. Which is why Barry’s indecisiveness pissed him off, especially since he’s a very forward person. Him and Barry are in an on and off relationship, Jay just wanting Barry to be all in rather than unsure. 

All of that is the reason they have yet to have a sexual experience. Jay refuses to have sex with Barry until Barry makes up their mind and is honest with him about their feelings. And Barry, being someone who is used to just throwing themselves into hookups and one night stands, finds it extremely frustrating that Jay won’t let this just happen. 

All in all, their romantic life is extremely messy, and Jay, being an avid hater of one night stands and sex without love, leads to them having a nonexistent sexual life

~~~~

Matthew and Iwan

Matthew is a sex repulsed asexual, so him and Iwan don’t have a sex life. They do do things like makeout, but Matt gets really frustrated because Iwan has a habit of biting or losing control of his fire magic due to excitement and accidentally burning him. But Iwan really can’t help it. It’s how he shows his affection

~~~~

Louise

Louise loves his husband, Aaron, very much, but my gosh, he hates when Aaron is the top. And since Louise believes in healthy communication, he gently gave Aaron the news. Very, very gently. But Aaron is very dramatic and sulked about the revelation for a few days before coming to accept it. They came up with a compromise to just be switches. 

Louise doesn’t like outside forces being involved in love making. He’s very vanilla and he’s not embarrassed about it, knowing there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Honestly, his favorite part of love making is just the cuddles afterwards. 

Aaron

He’s an over dramatic bitch, but he means well. He has a bit of a temper, but Louise manages to help him overcome that, which is probably why he likes being the top. He feels like it’s the perfect time for him to truly show Louise that he can be gentle and caring, even if he’s just.. bad at being the top lol

He may have been sulky when Louise told him this, but in reality, he was just sad when he realized he didn’t please Louise very well. He was so happy when they came up with a compromise, though. 

~~~~

Amarist

Amarist is very, very straightforward and comes off very cold. So when she and Lake were a long while into their relationship, she walked over to him with a straight, neutral face and said “I wanna have sex.” 

She’s rather efficient in the bedroom. She is a big planner, keeping tight schedules. She can make love making go on for less than 10 minutes and get back to work. Which.. does kind of frustrate Lake. 

Lake

Lake is happy to let Amarist be the dominant one. He used to a misogynistic asshole, but after she kicked the shit out of him, he’s been happy to listen to anything she may tell him to do, extremely loyal and hopelessly devoted to her. 

He is kind of frustrated that she only sees lovemaking as another thing to squeeze into her schedule and he’s desperately trying to help her focus a little less on work and more on her free time and their relationship. (Though he does find her efficiency rather attractive)

[queer-polyam-emperor-penguin]

I had a really hard therapy session yesterday, so hard that afterwards I was not okay.

I broke, terribly, the full force of absolutely everything my family had ever done just hit me and broke me.

And my very sweet boyfriend was here and we went and got coffee and drove and he let me put on my rage playlist and scream along... and I said to him eventually, I just feel like I need to scream but I'm not allowed to.

And normally I get the 'I know the feeling' from people around me.

But he just glanced over and said 'You're absolutely allowed to, you're not the first person to scream in this car and you won't be the last, you can scream. Thank you for the warning tho.'

And my brain broke because I am not used to be allowed to express myself ever, especially not like that and my response was that I need to process the fact I'm actually allowed to and that I might if my brain and body could actually overcome the years of training to not do that.

And eventually, we hit a song that brought up everything that happened and everything that I was suppressing and I screamed. It was high pitched af to both of our surprise. Amazingly didn't damage my vocal cords because my theatre training paid off. And I cried a lot, enough that I was genuinely shocked that I hadn't cried off my makeup.

And we went to my cousins who I'm moving in with next year and I found some calm before coming home.

But this man makes me feel so safe, genuinely more safe than I ever thought was possible, to the point where I knew and trusted him with the part of me no one has ever seen willing before. Because I know me, I could have, despite how close to breaking I was, shoved that scream down and hid my genuine emotional response to the extreme levels of pain I was experiencing and shoved all my fidgets and emotions in a box and pretended to be okay enough, just angry. Not the extreme levels of betrayal, heartbreak, rage, fear, frustration, confusion, horror, hatred, contempt, grief and guilt and all the other complexities of emotion that come with 23 years of trauma combined into a flurry of flashbacks and memories and realisations that yesterday was.

And I don't ever show that willingly, never have. Because I never believe anyone when they say that they can handle that part of me (maybe my cousin, he's very similar to me in a lot of ways, he just masks a fuckton less) but this time, with him, I did. I absolutely believed him when he said that I was safe.

And he didn't even flinch, he continued driving straight and when I was done reached over and offered me his hand and told me he was proud of me and it was okay for me to break and continue breaking, that he had me and he was glad that I was letting myself feel things and express them finally.

This morning we had the most amazing and intimate and sweet morning, and unfortunately I ended up having a panic attack at one point.

And I just turned around and held him. Because my brain went back in time to the physical and mental feeling of turning around and being betrayed by someone I had loved who was intentionally and consciously hurting me. And all I needed, all I really needed, was to just hold him and reassure myself and my brain that I was here and now. That the person next to me was my best friend and partner who loves and adores me and would never ever hurt me intentionally and works so hard to ensure my safety and comfort and happiness. I just needed to hold him and look at his face and reassure each other that I was safe and okay and unharmed.

He is my safety and my peace and my home in a way that I have never truly experienced before.

Because I love and adore my QPP, but we're both ND and traumatised and my trauma sets off hers and my screams and breakdowns would not be sensory or emotionally safe for her to hold space to like that.

They are both different kinds of home, but they're both home. And I am so so happy and emotional and feeling incredibly grateful and loved.

Polyamory is amazing because I get this kind of love. A combination of love and met wants and needs so perfect for me it feels like a dream come true.

Just, damn I love him and I'm so fucking lucky.

[journalofkate]

11/04/2024

TW: toxic relationships, drug abuse, financial abuse, alcoholism, homelessness, dysphoria, suicide and suicidal thoughts, mental illness

It's been a... very long time since I posted on this blog, and even longer since I've made a long form post. To be honest I had forgotten this blog existed. So much has happened in my life these past few years, so much has changed. For the sake of my mind I felt I should make a new entry, and hopefully it can reach someone who's been through similar things.

In my first post on this blog I took substantial time talking about my identity as a trans woman and my experience of living with parents who were extremely bigoted and feeling like I could never be out and proud of who I am. Much has changed regarding that, some for worse and some for better.

In the summer of 2022, a few short months after my original post, my sister was attacked and kicked out of the house by our mom. This caused a massive rift between me and my parents, a rift that would only grow wider with time. I have always been extremely protective of my sisters because of the abuse I and some of my sisters faced with my biological mother, but more than that I was sad to lose the only person in my home whom I could be honest with. She supported me and at that time she was one of a small group of people who knew my identity. Over the next year I became aware of my parents stealing a lot of money from me, little by little, adding up to thousands of dollars. It became evident that I could no longer stay in this house with the family I had known for years. I do not know why my parents stole that much money from me, they were drug addicts when I was a young kid and it's possible they relapsed but they were also generally bad with money and had gotten themselves into a lot of debt.

In January of 2023 I made the decision that I would leave, and it was only a decision of where I would go. My close friend at the time, whom I will call Gwen, suggested I come to stay with her in Oklahoma. I did not like this idea as I had gone through much effort to leave Oklahoma just two years earlier. Against my better judgement I accepted her offer so in summer of 2023 I began my long road trip from beautiful Olympia, WA to the Midwestern wasteland known as Oklahoma City. There was, however, a problem with my plan. Shortly before I was to set out my friend Gwen got evicted and had to move into her sister's house, which has no room for me. By this point there was no option to stay with my parents any longer. Bridges had been burned, and even if they hadn't it would have killed me to stay in that house any longer with people who had lied and stolen from me and attacked my sister. I had to leave. I. Had. To. Leave. And so I left. I had a decent paying job lined up and I was content to live in my car until I found an apartment of my own. And so... I... Left...

In the time between my sister getting kicked out and me leaving I had started seeing a psychiatrist in an attempt to avoid a full psychological breakdown. In this time I learned that I have bipolar disorder, in retrospect many of the events that follow seem to be a result of my mood swings and are situations that are far too common for those of us with bipolar disorder.

For 3 long, hot months I living in a Walmart parking lot in my car waking up at 6am every day to work a job that was much harder in my body and mind than I had anticipated. One day Gwen approached me about a woman she had met, whom I will call Michelle, who wanted to meet me. I met with Michelle and learned that she had been told all about my situation and wanted to help me and Gwen get into an apartment. During this time I was experiencing a depression worse than any I had experienced before and Gwen, perhaps believing my job was the cause of this convinced me to quit, saying that she would financially support me until the apartment we had found was ready for us to move in. When Michelle discovered this she insisted that I stay with her in the meantime. I was grateful that she took me into her home, if even for a few weeks. So grateful that I cooked her dinner every night I stayed there. For some reason that I cannot fully recall, or perhaps never fully knew, Gwen ended up staying there as well, she also quit her job around this same time so we were both fully financially relying on Michelle. During our stay there was a strange tension in the air at all times between Gwen and Michelle. I do not know if this was because we were unemployed, or because I was invited there and she was not. During my time in Oklahoma up to this point I had been in such a deep depression that I began to lose touch with reality. I was simply following the path I was already on and hoping I would not end up homeless again or crawling back to my parents whom I never wanted to see again.

In September of 2023 Gwen and I moved into our apartment. Michelle came by a few days after we moved in and delivered each of us a check for $4000 each. I do not remember the details exactly, but I remember her making it very clear that she wanted us to live off this money while we looked for jobs so that we would be financially independent of her. I had to deposit my check into Gwen's bank account because my bank would not allow me to deposit the check, so Gwen had full control of all $8000. A few days later Gwen came home with a car full of groceries and a crate of various bottles of alcohol. Gwen was a bartender, it was a job she was very passionate about and she wanted to continue practicing her skills while she was looking for a job. Over the next few months Gwen spent increasing amounts of money on expensive groceries from the highest end grocery stores, something I was fully against. By this point I knew the money had run low, I knew I had made a mistake by giving her control of the money, but I was not in my normal state of mind and I had fully lost touch with reality. I began drinking, heavily, something I had never done before. I quit taking my medication because I could no longer afford to have it refilled, so I drank more. All of my bills fell behind, most crucially our rent, my car payments, and my payments for my storage unit in Washington that had almost every single thing I owned. I could not find a job no matter how hard I tried, the economy had gotten worse and it was getting harder to find jobs. No matter how many jobs I interviewed for none of them called me back. I began delivering food for doordash just to keep food in the apartment. I did not want to ask Michelle for more money because it had been very clear that we had taken a financial toll on her and it was clear that she wouldn't be able to give us any more money after the checks. Gwen found a job, and things were finally starting to look up. Unfortunately I had fallen into a very heavy drinking binge as had Gwen, and we began arguing constantly.

A week after Gwen found a job Michelle knocked on our apartment door. Unknown to me Gwen had been in contact with her, the things they discussed I do not know, but she found me in a drunken state, depressed and out of touch with reality. We had a conversation about how we would get our finances back in track and it seemed that everything went well. The next day when I woke up Gwen and all of her belongings were gone. I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned, and I felt alone. At this point I could no longer contact either Gwen nor Michelle. I did not fully understand what happened. I still don't fully understand what happened. I used the last of my funds to get some food from the cheapest grocery store I could find. The next day my car was repossessed. I stopped drinking. I found out some time later that Gwen had lied to Michelle and said that I had full control of the finances and spent all the money, on what she did not know. I found out 6 months later that Gwen was still, seemingly fully, financially relying on Michelle.

In the months that followed I faced mental distress like I had not felt since my childhood. I got into contact with my older sister and she gave me some money when she could so that I could keep the lights on and keep some food around. She offered to let me come stay with her in Texas but she ended up extremely reluctant to actually let me go there. In the following months I spent my days endlessly searching for jobs within walking distance. I felt hunger like I had never felt before. Some days all I would eat was a small bowl of rice. Some days I ate nothing at all. I was convinced I would die there, starved to death in an apartment i couldn't afford in a city I hated. This did not happen.

In January of this year, 2024, I found a job in a sandwich shop a mile from my apartment, an acceptable walking distance. I began paying back my debts. During the first few weeks at this job I remained haunted by everything I had experienced the past year, I fell into another terrible depression. I became completely detached from reality, all I knew was that I was in pain and I wanted it to end.

TW: suicide

In February of this year I began to see clearly through the fog of my mind a way to end the pain I was feeling. I had decided to kill myself. I knew how I would do it, I knew what my final words would be, and I knew what my final meal would be. I couldn't focus on work, I couldn't focus on fun, I couldn't even sleep. All I could think about was ending my life. I sat down one night in silence with my final meal, a meal which thankfully I do not remember, and began to eat while thinking exactly how I would word my note. Suddenly my phone buzzed with a notification. I was not expecting any messages that night. The message was from a close friend of mine from high school who I had been talking to almost daily for years. In the message he asked me if I was okay, a question I had never heard him ask. He said I seemed withdrawn and said he knew I wasn't doing well and he wanted to check in. For some reason this message snapped me out of my fog completely. I told him I was fine and just really tired from work. I finished my meal and went to sleep. He did not know it at the time but he saved my life that night.

I no longer saw suicide as an option out of my situation, despite the pain I couldn't let it all end. In a strange sort of way it felt like if I killed myself I would be giving gwen, and my parents, as much control over my death as they had over my life. I began making friends at work. I grew very close to a woman who I will call Allison and a woman who I will call Heather. I was awkward, I had just gotten out of a series of severe mental health crises and aside from that I was never very good at interacting with people. I came out to Heather and Allison a month or two later, and accepted me with zero hesitation.

Heather and I grew closer, after a few months of being friends I started to think I had a crush on her and I began to wonder if she felt the same way. Eventually I confessed to her and learned she felt the same way. We've now been dating for almost 6 months.

Unfortunately despite finding a job, the pay wasn't enough to cover the debts I had accrued and in June of this year I was evicted from my apartment. Since then I have been living in an extended stay motel paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet. I almost fell into another suicidal episode but the thought of the people close to me having to grieve me has kept me from even considering that as an option. Though I did not accept my drinking problem last year, I now understand I truly have a problem with alcohol. It's easy for me to not drink at all, but it's hard to stop once I start... So I simply do not drink at all. Though I am not out to my coworkers, in my every day life I live openly as a woman, something I never thought would happen. I have been looking at apartments lately and I believe I will be in one soon and once I am it will be easier to live a normal life.

Two years ago I couldn't imagine myself without my family, I couldn't imagine myself living a genuine life. I was stuck. I don't know what my parents have been up to since I left, and honestly I do not want to know, but sometimes it feels like it would've been easier if we were estranged because of my identity.

I still have mood episodes, I'll probably always have mood episodes. I am not currently medicated because I still cannot afford to have a psychiatrist but once I have an apartment and a little bit of money to be able to spend on that sort of thing it's my first priority. I haven't had a serious episode since February. I don't always know when I'm having episodes but my partner is getting good at recognizing when I'm having one. When she says she thinks I'm having an episode it lets me know that I should be very careful about any actions or decisions I make. She has helped me considerably through all of this, I don't know if I can ever truly show her how grateful I am for how much she helps me, but I can still try.

That's all I have for today

-Kathryn F.

03/03/2022

Content Warning: detailed descriptions of gender dysphoria, transphobia, internalized transphobia, homophobia, internalized homophobia, biphobia, internalized biphobia, sex (not abusive), and brief mentions of abuse.

Today was a particularly bad day for my dysphoria, but in a strange way it brought me some clarity. I realized that the bulk of my dysphoria comes from knowing that the people around me won't accept me as a woman if I came out.

I always see people on social media, blogs, and articles talking about how to come out or why you should come out but I haven't really come across anything about what to do when you really don't think you CAN come out. On this topic, I'd like to share my history of how I figured out I was trans, why I feel I can't come out, and what solutions I have come up with. Strap in because this may be a long story.

Though my memory can be foggy at times, I do distinctly remember having this feeling that I wasn't really a boy when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I never expressed these emotions to my family members except for on one occasion after I learned what a 'tomboy' was I told my parents that I wanted to be a "tomgirl", to which my father replied "you can't be a tomgirl, that's not a thing".

When I was about 10 or 11 puberty was fast approaching, and I began to become vaguely aware of the existence of trans and intersex people. By this point I had started having this intense feeling that I really, really was supposed to be a girl. I began having this consistent fantasy that despite having been born with male genitalia, I would develop female secondary sex characteristics. Soon after my voice dropped, and I began to grow hair on my face and body. It was starting to appear that my fantasy would not become reality. At age 12 my mother* told her husband to teach me how to shave my face. Though for most people this would have been a bonding experience with their stepfather, it left me deeply uncomfortable. I couldn't stand to look in the mirror and see hair on my face, and then have to interact with that hair just to get rid of it. I stayed clean shaven for most of jr high and high school.

*the woman I refer to as 'mother' and the woman I will in the future refer to as 'mom' are two different people. My mother is the woman who birthed me, and then went on to abuse me and my sisters. My mom is my biological father's wife who has cared for me as her own since I moved in with her.

At age 13 I thought I was gay. I started a romantic relationship with one of my friends who I had known for years, his name was Joseph. Around this same time I had gained a better understanding of what transgender meant, and had even made some trans friends. I had begun to wonder if maybe I was transgender, before this time my only window into these communities was movies and television, in which trans people are often seen as freaks of nature or the punchline to a joke, but now I knew actual trans people and being trans didn't seem like such a shameful thing. A few months into our relationship I asked Joseph "would you still date me if I was a girl?" To which he replied "it doesn't really matter, because you aren't a girl." I never brought up this possibility to him again. About 4 months into this relationship I decided to come out to my mother, she was surprisingly accepting however in the months that followed there was a tension that wasn't there before and an unspoken idea that I would grow out of it.

When I was 14 I broke up with Joseph because he had become abusive. To be in an abusive relationship this young is a devastating thing, but it is a story for another entry. I began to distance myself from my gay and trans friends because most of them were mutual friends. At some point I, very consciously, decided to prove my mother right as I receded back into the closet. It was unspoken, but as far as anybody else was concerned I was actually straight. Progress is not a straight line. I began to reject my attraction to men, as well as any feeling of being the wrong gender. The next 2 years are the darkest years of my life. I got a girlfriend, we broke up and made up every few months. I was horrible to her, and she was horrible to me, it may have been the most toxic relationship I've been in. I lost my virginity. I told myself that all cis men wanted to be women. I started to adopt extremely conservative views. My depression spiraled out of control. I began to think horrible things about trans people, things I will not repeat. These 2 years are the years I remember the least.

When I was 16 I left my mother's house to live with my father. Around this same time I slept with a man for the first time, but all my internalized bigotry made me push him away when he wanted a relationship. The next year of my life was the beginning of a major shift in my life. I finally was able to be free, and go and explore my place in the world. I joined theatre, made friends, and eventually started a romantic relationship with a trans man. I was beginning to actually live my life. I began to move from town to town every few months or every year. Each time I moved the amount I was open about my sexuality changed. I never came out to my parents.

At 19 I gained enough financial independence to live on my own. I started a relationship with a woman who ended up using me for her own financial stability. After she left, I felt extremely lost. After a few months I was in the store and found myself just standing in the makeup section. I bought some makeup and went home and tried to learn how to do makeup. It looked horrible, but it felt good. I came to the realization that I could buy whatever I wanted, so I began buying women's clothes, and I loved them. At that time I thought it was just crossdressing, I thought maybe it was a sexual thing. After a few months I began to seriously question if I was trans. I confided in an old friend and she told me I should explore the possibility, I still wonder if she remembers that conversation. Eventually life got hectic, and my exploration of my gender fell low on my list of priorities for some time.

In 2020 the COVID-19 pandemic started, and my life kind of grinded to a halt. A few months after lockdown began I decided to move back in with my parents. Because I never felt comfortable coming out to them I had to throw away my clothes and makeup, I didn't realize what effect this would have on me. A few more months into the pandemic I began to experience severe gender dysphoria, and with no outlet it just got worse. On a phone call with a very close friend I suddenly blurted out "I'm trans" - and that shocked me. I did not expect those words to come out of my mouth, and definitely not in that moment. My friend told me that she's also trans and she was waiting for the right time to tell me. Over the next year I began to use social media to cope with my dysphoria, people didn't see me as a woman in real life but they respected my gender online. I developed a social media addiction.

In 2021 I made the decision to move to a different state with my parents. They believed I just wanted to live somewhere more beautiful and near the sea, but in truth I wanted to live somewhere that was more accepting.

Now it is 2022, I still live with my parents and I don't make enough money to live alone. I moved to one of the most progressive states in the US, but I still feel like I can't be myself. Thought my mom and dad have cared for me more than my birth mother, they are still extremely bigoted. They are racist in a very disgusting, casual way. My father is homophobic openly. My mom tries to respect the pronouns of trans people she meets, but she has said they aren't really their gender. I financially depend on them, I can't risk losing my apartment. I simply can't come out to my family, which means I'm forced to wear this disguise of a man. I go to work and I use a gender neutral name instead of Kathryn because I don't want to be ostracized from my workplace. Everything I did over the past few years has been to improve my life, but it doesn't feel like it has improved at all. I'm scared to lose my family. I'm scared to lose my job. I'm scared to lose my apartment. I have to live in the closet. I sleep in the closet, eat in the closet, I carry the closet on my back through my daily life. It's gotten to the point where I feel I'm living a double life, and I have a dysphoria induced panic attack every couple days.

This is the story of my life, the story of discovering myself. I must solve these problems I'm faced with because who could live like this forever? I've been saving money, I plan to move to another country in the next few years. If I put enough distance between me and my family it may become easier to come out. I'm going to get my own apartment soon so that I can begin to live free again. Despite the fear I feel, I will begin to leave the house presenting as the woman I am. I've also been working on my social media addiction, I no longer scroll I only post, and I only post once a day. I'm at the point in my life where I've realized the only way for me to live free is for me to live as though I am alone.

This is my first online journal entry. I'll be back with another tomorrow, hopefully not a long sad story.

- Kathryn F.

[kaeyazuha]

𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 (𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞)

❝ May I request Kazuha, Scara and Xiao with an s/o that's very visibly tired? ❞ + ❝ Reader is constantly feeling tired and overwhelmed by everything. Because of this, they eventually have a mental breakdown and start crying uncontrollably. ___ comes along and comforts them.❞

; Combined these two requests, thank you for being so patient with me!

; 11/4/22

; Hurt/Comfort

; CW: mentions of poor self-care and mental health, physical touch

𝗦𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗰𝗵𝗲 '𝗞𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗸𝘂𝘇𝘂𝘀𝗵𝗶'

✧ Scaramouche is extremely good at pushing people’s buttons. Why? Because he has a knack for gauging reactions. By the twitch of their eyebrow, the slight grimace on their lips, the way their jaw tenses when they bite their tongue, even the slightest twitch of an eye gives it away. Due to this, he catches onto your poor mental health rather quickly. By the bags forming under your eyes, the slight blanching and discoloration of your skin, and the tired look in your eyes that practically begged for a break. However, despite him catching on quickly, he doesn’t have a clue what to do about it. 

✧ He’d try to beat around the bush, hoping you tell him what’s wrong. Lingering within five feet of you, staring at you expectedly at random moments, rarely striking conversations-- though unfortunately, it comes off to you as him being wary if not suspicious. And it terrifies you, only leading you to become further exhausted and overwhelmed. At this point does he step in, guiding you to his office and bluntly asking what’s wrong with you. Way to go, now they’re crying, he’d berate himself while inwardly panicking. He didn’t mean it that way, he’s just genuinely concerned about what’s happened.

✧ Eventually, he does manage to properly ask what’s wrong, and he’s surprisingly patient about listening to your slow, tired, and confused responses. If you trail off in the middle, not wanting to talk anymore, he’d quietly reassure you before bringing you close to his chest and covering your eyes with his hand, attempting to help you close your eyes. His way of comforting you is choppy, strange, and haphazard, but it’s the best he can do for now and that thought alone is enough to reassure you. He’s trying, he really is, and he’s trying for you.

- ✧ -

If you weren’t half-asleep hovering over your work, the sound of his blunt fingernails tapping against the desk might’ve driven you insane. It’s deliberate, you can tell. The glint in those indigo eyes as he increases the pressure in which he presses his nails into the wooden desk, increases the speed in hopes of making you snap and say something, anything to him. Truthfully, he’s trying to induce a breakdown. When he reaches your state of mind, nothing feels better than letting it out in the form of aggression. A scream, a cry, a punch or two, and he’s all good. Yet, he finds that maybe this isn’t the best idea as he watches you stare at the papers without a hint of a reaction.

“C’mon, don’t make me ask.” Scaramouche sighed, setting his hat down on his desk before walking over to you and leaning on the desk, staring down at you from above. 

“What do you mean?” He simply scoffed, crossing his arms and tilting his head to the side.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He inwardly panics at the grimace forming on your face, and rushes to reword his question. “You look sick, what’s wrong?” If possible, you curl further in on yourself, not yet ready to face the wave of exhaustion taunting what little energy you had left. 

You sigh, looking up at him and finding comfort in the mellow concern of those usually dull yet illuminated eyes. “‘m just tired. Really,” A bitter laugh and a prick of tears at your eyes. “-really tired. An’ I really don’t wanna do this.” Your words slurred together as your voice broke, you attempted to stave off the oncoming breakdown. You didn’t have enough energy for this right now. Scaramouche clicked his tongue, mind swirling with questions that died on his tongue, and he scooted closer to you. Stacking the papers and shoving them to the side, he sat on the desk in front of you, legs parting to pull you close to his chest. It was strange, really, watching him be so affectionate, but neither of you complained.

The tears burned your eyes, the frustration with yourself only growing at the sticky feeling of hot tears sticking to your cheeks. “m sorry, ‘m really sor-” Thin fingers gripped the back of your head before he loosened his grip, now guiding you to rest your head over where his heart would be. There was no heartbeat, only the sound of flowing blood that occupied his chest. 

Even without a heart, he bled like you.

“Quit apologizing, there’s nothing to be sorry for. Just rest, okay?” He mumbled, eyes locked onto random objects in the room in hopes of helping you feel less pressured. That, and he was still awkward about things like this, not yet used to confronting emotions with welcoming arms instead of a bottle. Your hands twitched limply at your sides, the throbbing headache refusing to subside while you cried into his sheer shirt. A moment passed of his silence, maybe two of your own, before you wrapped your arms around his waist as his own enveloped your shoulders. 

He was warm, the permeating scent of japanese incense and rosewood lulling you into a sense of security when he held you close like this. “This is okay?” You questioned, not wanting to force him to do something he doesn’t want to. At this, he rested his chin atop your head to keep you from going anywhere, and to stop you from seeing the saddened yet peaceful expression on his face.

“Yeah.” He hummed, his next words being mumbled almost shyly. “Take as long as you need, we can talk about this whenever you’re ready.”

𝗫𝗶𝗮𝗼 '𝗔𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘂𝘀'

✧ Similar to Scaramouche, he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. Worse? He doesn’t even know something’s wrong. He’s trained in reading atmospheres, situations, sensing danger before it strikes-- what he’s not used to is non-verbal cues. However, he’s not blind, and does see that you’re more tired and sluggish than usual. He takes this as you being tired from a restless night, and simply encourages you to sleep more and leaves it at that. Yet, he finds himself feeling uneasy, like that wasn’t all there was to the situation and boy was he right. Xiao finds himself darting over to you in the middle of the night to hurriedly ask you if anything’s wrong, if he’s missing something. If you insist nothing’s wrong, he simply takes a seat on your bed with a stubborn frown and crossed arms, you’d laugh at his childish expression if it weren’t for the crushing dread in your chest.

✧ He’s surprisingly easy to open up to once that’s out of the way. He’s a secure presence, one that makes you feel like you could fall off a ledge and he’d catch you with his eyes closed- one that makes you want to spill every secret, from that one time you drew on the wall as a kid to your deepest insecurities. He listens quietly, a saddened look in his eyes; not pity, just sadness. He fights every day to protect your smile, he hates the feeling of not being able to protect you from yourself. If at some point you start being bitter and sarcastic about your pain, laughing dryly at it, you’ll quickly notice him grab your hand and give you a look that’s comprised mostly of concern and understanding, and you can’t help but fully break down in his arms.

✧ He’s awkward at first, per usual, but quickly envelops you in his arms while rubbing soothing circles into the small of your back. He lets you cry for as long as you want, encourages you to let everything out while ignoring the growing wetness on his shoulder and the way your nails dug into his shirt uncomfortably. Xiao quietly reminds and helps you to breathe when the sobbing gets too much, and he sways you gently while your sobs dwindle down to sniffles. He sits there in comfortable silence, allowing the wind to do the talking. After the matter, he encourages you to take a nap; he’d watch over you if you choose to head to bed, and he’d hold you closer if you decided to fall asleep in his arms. Either way, he takes extra care of you from that day on. Whether it’s watching over your mental health more earnestly, or checking in more often to ensure you’re caring for yourself properly.

- ✧ -

“Are you…okay?” You wanted to laugh at his innocent question, the way he looked at you like a curious child as you resisted the urge to slam your head into your desk. Okay? Are you? Hell no. Your eyes blurred and unfocused every few seconds from sheer exhaustion, your skin had dulled from a lack of caring for yourself, the bags under your eyes were dark enough to look unnatural, almost painted on. Yet you persevered for reasons you don’t even know.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You muttered bitterly, staring into open air with a blank stare. Unable to see him, Xiao let his confusion show through his face. He almost looked frustrated, staring holes through you as he tried to isolate the cause of your issues. Was it because you haven’t been sleeping right? Why haven’t you been sleeping right? Maybe because you’ve been overworking. But why have you been overworking? Each question led to more questions, and he ultimately grew fed up with this.

A faint whooshing sound and the smell of smoke cloaked the air, and you whipped your head around to see lingering black bits and dark smoke where your lover once stood. Tears filled your eyes, the idea of him leaving just to avoid you pierced a hole through your heart, you curled in on yourself and stared at the floor while staving off overdue tears. Before your thoughts could overrun your mind again, the previous whooshing sound occurred once more, this time right beside you. Cautiously turning your head, you saw Xiao standing sheepishly with a cup of tea in his hand.

He cleared his throat, averting his gaze with a grumble. “Smiley Yanxiao said this helps him when he’s stressed.” Looking at the cup, and then at his expression, you couldn’t help but smile before the prickling, burning feeling returned to your eyes. Sniffling, you turned back around and Xiao set down the cup before turning your chair around to face him again. “What’s wrong?” He asked simply, and you bitterly mumbled-

“What isn’t?” He sighed, pulling you up by your arm with ease before guiding you to the bed, forcibly plopping you down onto it before sitting in the chair you previously occupied. 

“Speak.” He crossed his arms, staring at you intently. “Or if you’d rather, rest. You’re clearly upset and unwell, I don’t want to leave you like this.” Golden eyes pierced through your façade, and your chest heaved with a crushing pain at the sight of his genuine concern. Going limp, you flopped backwards onto the bed with your arm outstretched to him. After a moment, gloved fingers intertwined with yours and his free hand stroked your cheek, brushing away the tears dripping uncomfortably down your nose from your eye.

With a sad smile, you looked up at him while he pulled the covers up to your shoulders. “Can you just stay here? Please?” Your voice was quiet, tired, and so very sad- it broke his heart not that he’d admit it. He nods, biting his tongue in thought.

“Will you tell me what’s going on?” He asked with no malice, but a slight sense of urgency. Xiao's expression contorts from worry, to anger, to nonchalance, and then back to worry once more- you could practically see each thought that crossed his mind. Despite his cold demeanor, Xiao is possibly the most expressive person you know, and the thought brings a glimmer to your eye while you watch him fret over you.

You nod, the pillow soft against your cheek. “I will. Just…give me some time?” He contemplates this for a moment, but ultimately agrees. He kept his hand over yours, a reminder of his existence when your eyes fluttered shut. 

“I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

𝗞𝗮𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮 𝗞𝗮𝘇𝘂𝗵𝗮

✧ Kazuha is incredibly perceptive of the things around him. The slightest movement in the distance alerts him, he can distinguish a bird by its chirp, even shifts in the weather don’t go unnoticed by the wandering samurai. Of course, he pays extra attention to you, so he catches onto your exhaustion faster than you do. At first he doesn't bring it up, instead opting to try and help you avoid it. He takes tiny things off your workload, encourages frequent breaks and adequate rest, cooks meals for you and always puts more ice in your water after it melts, anything he can without directly confronting the issue(s).

✧ However, he knows he needs to step in when he watches you drop a plate and immediately tear up, glaring at nothing in particular but he could practically hear the way you mentally cursed at yourself. Kazuha’s a sweet man, with you always at the forefront of his mind and your comfort as his top priority. He’d simply pick the plate up, surprisingly unbroken, and cradle you in his arms. If you’re standing, he guides you to the floor so he can hold you close. If you’re already on the ground, he guides you into his lap if you feel comfortable enough. Kazuha would rock both of you back and forth gently, ruby eyes closed while he held you.  

✧ He waits until you break down to speak up. As the dam breaks, he gives you a reassuring smile while whispering words of praise and encouragement, his hand rubbing up and down your back while you press yourself into the crook of his neck. Kazuha is a poet, he speaks in flowers and moves with grace, everything about him is just so peaceful. With just his sweet whispers and comforting touches, you find yourself lost in his embrace and gripping onto his shirt with an iron hold. Even after you stop crying, and you’re left with a throbbing headache and runny nose, he doesn’t let go. You don’t see it, but there’s tears in his eyes too. The saddest of smiles and the look in his eyes nearly made you cry all over again. He spoke more softly than usual, cupping your cheek before mumbling--

- ✧  - 

“--I’m so sorry.” Sorry? Seriously? All the apologies breaking through your warbled cries weren’t enough for him, for all the burdens you’ve felt you’ve put on him, yet he’s apologizing? You opened your mouth to speak, but he interrupted with a pleading whisper. “Wait, please, allow me to explain.” Wordlessly, you nodded. “I’m sorry that you’re hurt this badly. I’m aware it’s not my fault, but nor is it yours. The burden is ours to share, but it does not belong to either of us.” He smiled kindly, tilting his head while he brought you to rest your own on his shoulder.

“This isn’t your fault.” With that, you bit back another wave of tears and instead clenched your eyes shut while burying your face into his shirt. “You’ve worked so hard, surely you can’t blame this on yourself. This workload is unreasonable and we both know it, a break is long overdue.”

“It’s not that easy,” You mutter through gritted teeth, knuckles paling from your grip on nothing in particular. “I can’t just quit, there’s so much to do, I can’t just stop-” before you spiral, Kazuha hums and interjects again. 

“But you can.” Your eyebrows pinch together in confusion, curious of his implication. “The world won’t implode if you take a break, you have time. Deadlines ultimately cannot hurt you, but this can.” He vaguely motions to you, your fragile state, and then rests his hands on your face to guide it upwards. A warm gaze greeted you, the sight of his gentle smile bringing one of your own to your bitten lips. “Please, take some time off. We can stay home and rest, or perhaps do something you’ve wanted to do, anything. But first, you need to rest.” 

You scoffed, and then laughed bitterly. “I…can’t. I don’t even think I know how.” A sigh, and then a grimace when you spoke again. “I’m just so tired.” Your head went limp in his hands, cheek squishing into his palm as his thumb stroked your skin. Leaning closer, Kazuha tentatively pressed a kiss to the crown of your head.

“Imagine this, my dear.” He proposes, tone lighthearted. “We switch roles. Instead, I am the one overwhelmed and stricken with anxiety, and you’re the one comforting me. You’re forced to watch me wither more and more each day, like a flower without sunlight, and all you can do is watch as your beloved hurts more and more.” He smiles sadly, cocking his head to the side to get a better look at you. “If you won’t do this for yourself, do it for me. At least for now. I want you to focus on yourself a bit more, and be more selfish in your desires.”

“Can I really do that?” Came your feeble question, and he nodded.

“You can. It may take awhile, but resting is a start. Even just for an hour or so, close your eyes and dream of something beautiful, something you want to do, something you deserve. You’ve worked so hard, and I’m so proud of you.” 

Unable to hide your watery eyes, you bury your face in his chest once again, and revel in his touch; his hands and fingers stroked shapes along your back, tender lips pressed to the crown of your head. 

“That’s it, let it out. You’re going to be okay.”

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚✧˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

Word Count: 3003

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚✧˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

- Ky♡♡

[h0neypjm]

Confident 02 | jjk

↳ Summary: After giving Jungkook the best suck of his life he’s left wondering if what you said was true. Was it really your first time? ‘Cause Jungkook thinks you might’ve lied.

↳ Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

↳ Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, college au, fuckboy! jk, our fav cheeky virgin reader!

↳ Rating: 18+

↳ Word count: 8.8k

↳ Warnings: swearing, mentions of past toxic relationship, mentions of being pressured into sex, mentions of body image, mentions of stds, Jungkook being very confused, no smut in this part

↳ a/n: here it is !!! thank you for all the love for the first part, i hope you enjoy this part ! please feel free to leave any feedback <3 

↳ Series: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04

Previously...

“She said it's her first time.” He pauses, looking up at his friends' concerned faces. “I think she might’ve lied.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Jungkook groans, cradling his head before banging it on the table. The utensils on the table rattle and clang, bringing unwanted attention to his mini breakdown. Taehyung is quick to place his hand under Jungkook's forehead just as he goes in for another blow. “Ok, Jungkook- Jungkook!” Jimin giggles beside him. “Fucking stop, people are staring.”

Jungkook pauses and subtly peeks out of his long bangs, checking to see that Taehyung’s words were indeed true. He breathes out and sits up in his chair, fixing his shirt to play off that he wasn’t just having a mental meltdown.

Jimin rolls his eyes, “soooo are you gonna talk now, cause’ I have a horrible headache and you’re really not helping.”

Jungkook nods opening his mouth to speak. “Alright so uh, I met a girl last night and-”

“I thought you went home?” Taehyung shoves Jimin’s shoulder and Jungkook glares, “yeah, well that clearly didn’t happen.” He rubs his temples, “could you do me a favour and let me speak first, and then you can ask the questions. Ok?”

The two boys nod, settling into their seats as Jungkook delves back into his story.

“Alright so anyways, I saw this girl and like, I haven’t ever seen her before? She was literally perfect”. He exhales looking at nothing at particular as he continues. “Gorgeous face, prettiest lips and oh! speaking of her lips, God the way she sucked-”

Despite what Jungkook said earlier, Taehyung feels the need to intervene. “Ok as much as I love a good suck myself, I need you to stop here, we don’t need the graphics.” Jimin nods in agreement even though it’s clear he’s not paying an ounce of attention. Jungkook smirks at the memory, but it soon drops as he remembers one tiny detail. He places his hands on the table, total seriousness etched onto his face. “But here’s the kicker, she said it was her first time.”

Confusion. 

“So did you or did you not take her virginity?”Jungkook crosses his arms. “No, after that she just up and left.” “Wait, fuck”, Jungkook suddenly realises, “I didn’t even make her cum”, he groans and Taehyung bursts into laughter. This finally garners Jimin’s attention, his dazed eyes squinting. “Who’s the girl?” Jungkook sighs, “if you were listening before you would’ve heard me say that I don’t know her.” Jimin leans forward,“well can you at least describe her? I pretty much know everyone who attended the party”

Jungkook doesn’t have to think that hard. “She was wearing this plaid skirt and like a white top-” Jimin’s eyes widen, “Holy shit, Y/N?! Man, Jin’s gonna kill you.” This makes Jungkook pause, thoughts running back to the text he had received from Jin. “Wait, they’re not a thing are they?” Jimin chokes, “God no, they’ve been family friends since like forever, Jin’s practically her protective older brother.”

That explained his text earlier. Jungkook furrows his brows, more questions beginning to arise and spill out of his mouth. “How come I’ve never met her and if she’s a virgin, then how- how did-”, Taehyung cuts in, “dude she’s done other things before.” More confusion. “And how would you know that?” Taehyung smirks, shrugging as he gets up out of his chair. “I'm gonna get a drink, Jimin, you want anything?” God, his head is spinning. “Sure, you know my usual.”

It was the way Taehyung spoke too casually, like your lifestyle choices were common knowledge. How the fuck hasn’t he met you, yet his friends seem to be well acquainted with your existence? “What the fuck was that look?” He focuses on Taehyung from where he orders his drinks. “Did you see it Jimin? Kinda sus.”

Jimin remains nonchalant, blowing a strand of hair out of his sight before answering one of Jungkook’s urgent queries. “Jin never introduced you to her because well…” He looks Jungkook up and down with an unimpressed look. “You would get your grimy hands on her immediately. And Then after that, It’s like she never existed ” Jungkook opens his mouth, rebuttal on the tip of his tongue. “Don’t argue with me boy, the second you met her, you already wanted her on your dick, did you not?”

Jungkook is shocked to say the least, jaw hanging open as Taehyung makes his way back to the table, drinks in hand. “Oh God, what did you tell him?” Jungkook slams his fist on the table, yet again grabbing the attention of people around them. “That is not true! I have standards, and what about you two. You guys are just as bad.” He points accusingly at the bruises peeking out of Taehyung’s loose shirt, “Look at Tae! Those hickies are probably a combination of the three girls he fucked last week!”

Jimin doesn’t want to get kicked out of the cafe, so he attempts to calm down a soon to be raging Jungkook. “Look, to put it nicely, you’re a heartbreaker, you lead girls on whereas Tae and I actually tell people we’re not interested in anything more than a hookup.”

Jungkook seems to understand where he’s coming from. He can admit, he does have quite the reputation if the amount of times he’s been slapped in the face says anything. But now, with this newfound information, he can also admit that you’ve certainly intrigued him, that was for sure.

Jungkook wants to see you again.

Not for a rump in the sheets, but rather a friendly conversation. 

It was just his luck that he had heard through the grapevine that you had been invited to one of Jin’s small pool party get togethers. If Jungkook was being honest, he’s quite excited to be within your vicinity again but he knows he needs to keep his cool. Especially after the series of death threats and slaps on the neck from Jin. He shudders at the memory.

And so, Jungkook prepares himself more than he usually does. He wants to do it right this time. No flirty teasing, just friendly innocent conversation. He makes sure to carefully pick out the right swim shorts that display the thickness of his thighs. Not for any sexual gain, more so to show off the hours spent at the gym in hopes that maybe he can get you to become more interested in him as he is to you. He sounds desperate, and he’s sure you’re not that materialistic, but he has this nagging want to impress you somehow. He huffs and does a few pushups, for extra measure of course.

He’s not sure as to why his brain decided to make him act this way. You’re more or less a stranger to him. However, when Jungkook begins his short journey to Jin’s house he really lets himself think, which usually isn't a good idea. 

Jungkook doesn’t know you, but you’ve definitely left an imprint in his mind which makes you all the more fascinating. It’s news to him that you seem to be very close to his small circle of friends which is probably thanks to your deeply rooted friendship with Jin. That new piece of information had been bugging him since the day he met up with Taehyung and Jimin. Surely his reputation couldn’t be the only reason why you’ve never met him. Right?

Parking his car in Jin’s enormous driveway, he makes his way up to the grand front door. Sometimes he wishes he could live a life like Jin. He grew up being fed with a silver spoon his whole life. Having everything paid for instead of rolling in the miseries of college student debt.

Once Jungkook makes his way into the large house, he sets down the drinks he had brought onto the kitchen counter and watches his best friends goof around and enjoy the summer sun with a warm grin. He chuckles quietly when Jin pushes Jimin and his perfectly styled hair into the pool. Jimin screams a slur of curses while Jin quickly runs beside a sleeping Yoongi for protection.

Slipping out of his loose oversized shirt, Jungkook scans the entirety of Jin’s backyard, looking for the face that has been haunting him since that fateful night. She’s not here. He reexamines the pool seeing nothing but the chaotic mess of his favourite people, and he sighs. Just as he prepares to step out into the blazing sun, the sound of his stomach growling stops him in his tracks. 

Thinking about you made him nervous. So nervous that his stomach couldn’t bear the thought of breakfast. However, after the realisation that you hadn’t arrived just yet, makes him do a full one eighty, long strides taking him to Jin’s expensive fridge.

His head is already deep into the fridge when he hears the sound of the sliding door opening, revealing a dripping Jin with a small scowl on his face. It seems Jimin finally got his revenge. “I’m starving you got any leftovers?” Jungkook queries, his head popping out from the cool air of the fridge.

Jin grabs a fresh towel and whacks it against Jungkook’s naked back. “What’s the point of even asking when you’re already going through my damn fridge!” Jungkook flashes Jin an innocent grin and glows when he discovers a small bowl of Chinese takeout. 

It very quickly dawns on Jungkook that in order to enjoy a nice warm meal, he would need to heat it up. His stomach all but roars, not used to the lack of food in its system and Jungkook wants to cry. He wants to cry and it's not from the angry hunger pains, but rather something extremely laughable. He has to use a fucking microwave. 

You’re running late, there’s sweat running down your brow and you feel like your arms will fall off any second. The weight of snacks and alcohol you had brought making you stagger as you finally enter Jin’s enormous home.

The one and only thing that’s on your mind is the refreshing feeling of slipping into Jin’s pool while sipping on an iced beverage. This motivates you enough to put all the strength left in your exhausted being to speedily walk into the kitchen and throw everything onto the counter. 

“AHH FUCK!” You flinch at the sudden scream, hugging your body protectively. Jungkook slowly pops out from behind the other side of the counter, his doe eyes big and wide. “You fucking scared me Jesus!” He exclaims, running a hand through sweaty bangs.

The air had escaped your lungs long before you could utter your next sentence as the sight before you has you freezing. There he was, Jeon Jungkook in all his glory. Tanned skin and taut muscle sculpted by the Gods. You didn’t mean to stare, but how could you not! Your eyes had a mind of their own. He’s glorious, every single part of him, and you’re not even afraid to admit it. Your eyes are quick to eat him up, tracing the art staining the whole of his right arm and you wonder what every swirl of ink means to him.

Jungkook coughs awkwardly, going in to scratch at his neck. You imagined he would tease you about your obvious ogling, but it never came. Strange. “Why were you hiding?” You ask, dropping your gaze from his body in order to arrange the snacks into neat piles, using it as an excuse to slowly step closer to him. “Oh! Uh-”, he scratches his head, looking down at his feet before jumping five feet into the air, a startled gasp leaving his lips when the timer of the microwave goes off. 

You burst into laughter and Jungkook flushes in embarrassment. Jin had told you about Jungkook’s embarrassing fear of microwaves but you never thought you would see it first hand. You hold in the laughs that tickle your throat and try to settle him down by lightly touching his shoulder. He flinches at your touch.

“Are you okay?” You’re really close to him now. Your chest is practically pressed up against his and Jungkook gulps. How was it possible that you could look even more stunning than the last time he saw you? Your cheeks are glowing from the soft golden rays of the afternoon sun and the way you look up at him, your soft smile curling makes his head spin.

“Yeah, I’m good”, he breaks eye contact in embarrassment. “Sorry, just uh, microwaves are scary you know?” You giggle up at him. Is this really Jungkook? The Jungkook you’ve seen flaunting a new girl every week just to abruptly break her heart when he can’t promise anything more than sex? 

You’re not complaining, he’s quite adorable like this.

You’re not too sure why his personality has the sudden switch up. It could possibly be the fact that he’s with his closest friends and doesn’t feel the need to put up his playboy persona. Although, the way he blushes when he looks at you plays a different story. Do you make him nervous? Surely not, if the memories of that heated night are anything to go by.

“So uh, are you gonna head into the pool?” His empty stomach is long forgotten as he gestures to the large backyard, you nod up at him excitedly. It’s then Jin decides to bust back into the kitchen, a stern gaze set on his face. “Y/N, can I speak with you for a minute?” Jungkook cautiously takes a step away from you, your bodies no longer close to each other and you notice this with a small frown.

“Yeah, sure”, you relent walking over to Jin who places a protective arm around your shoulders. Unknowingly to you, Jin traps Jungkook down with a hard stare and signals Jungkook to go outside, to which he accepts with a nod.

“I know what you’re gonna say, and no I do not see him like that”, you cross your arms defensively. Jin sighs, “I just don’t wanna see you get hurt again.” He places his hands on your shoulders, full lecture mode on. “Let’s face it, you’re a hopeless romantic, I can’t trust that you won’t do something stupid, but you and Jungkook… You’re both important friends of mine and-” 

You’ve heard his overprotective brotherly speech plenty of times, “I know, and I’m so thankful that you’re looking out for me. I just don’t see the harm in befriending him, you’ve never let me speak to him before.” Jin releases his hold on your shoulders to fix the mess of his wet hair, “and there's a reason for that.”

Why was he so damn hard-headed. Jin loves Jungkook like he loves his family. It just didn't make any sense to you that Jin could approve of their friendship but when it comes to you, he completely shields you away from any interactions with the so called playboy. 

“When are you going to stop protecting me from boys?” Jin senses your frustration immediately. “I may be younger than you, but I’m also an adult just like you. An adult that can make her own choices.” You exhale slowly, “You’ve let me befriend your whole group and they’ve been nothing but wonderful to me, I don’t see the wrong in getting to know Jungkook.” 

Jin lets his guard down. You do have a point, maybe he was being a little too overprotective. He gives you a soft smile, you look away. 

“You’re right, I am in no position to dictate your decisions and who you choose to hang around with, it was wrong of me to treat you like that. Jin looks out into the pool, watching Jungkook tackle Taehyung. “I’m sorry I was a bit too harsh, Jungkook’s a good kid, he just got into the wrong crowd at first. Although, you gotta promise to tell me if he hurts you, cause he knows I’ll beat his ass.” 

You laugh accepting his apology, “are you sure about that? He’s a literal muscle pig.” You both begin to make your way outside and Jin shoves you slightly, “hey! You know I’m right.” Jin shakes his head and brings you into a comforting hug. “Yeah, yeah whatever.” He rolls his eyes, you beam up at him and together you walk out into the warm sunlight.

It hadn’t even been a second since you stepped outside, and already Yoongi’s long term girlfriend, Jieun is squealing your way. “Y/N! I’m so happy you're finally here, the amount of testosterone out here was starting to make me feel faint.” You giggle at her exasperated tone, pulling her into a tight hug. 

Nonchalantly you peel off your flowy sundress, it’s stickiness from your sweat making you cringe. “I missed you last week, why didn’t you come to class?” Jiuen pouts, “I'm sorry bub, I somehow caught a cold, but I trust you have some notes for me.” 

The way Jieun flutters her lashes at you innocently forces a roll from your eyes. Slathering sunscreen onto your arms, you reprimand her, “I swear you’re only using me for my notes, you literally never listen in class! Can you get my back please?”

She hums while you turn around, her small hands kneading sunscreen from your shoulder bones to the small dip in your back. Jieun continues to blabber on about the joys of life, not even checking if you’re listening to a single word she says. Instead your eyes are zeroed in on a certain someone.

Your staring is blatantly obvious but you don’t care. It’s only when Taehyung spots your burning gaze with a small smirk does he signal Jungkook to turn around to meet your flirty grin.  

Holy shit

The sun does a real great job of highlighting the gorgeous curves of your body adorned in quite possibly the smallest baby blue bikini he’s seen on a woman. Your breasts practically spill out of the tiny triangle cups and the pretty colour compliments your skin beautifully. 

Whilst Jungkook can admit you have one of the hottest bodies he’s seen in a while, his eyes surprisingly don't linger on your delicious curves for too long. Instead, he finds himself utterly enamoured by the way your eyes crinkle slightly when you smile prettily at him, your cheeks glowing with it. 

It suddenly dawns on him that you are the first girl that has truly enchanted him, and no, your ridiculously gorgeous body had little to do with it. 

Jungkook does not mind this change one bit. 

So, instead of staring at you like a gaping goldfish, he matches your flirtatious body language with a boyish grin and a small wave. His previous nerves dissipating only to be replaced by confidence and polished charm. He doesn’t want to scare you off with his sudden look of epiphany just yet, but the new unfamiliar feeling you give him is surely doing exactly that.

“My, my, Yoongi wasn’t lying.” Jieun stifles a giggle when she notices how Jungkook’s attention has steered towards you and only you. You’re quick to turn around, brows furrowed. “What are you on about?” 

“Oh you know… You and Jungkook”

You grimace, tired of the repeated topic of conversation. “Just because I sucked his dick once does not mean we're a thing” 

“Oh really? He’s asked me an awful lot of questions about you I was beginning to think otherwise”

“Wait, really?”

Jieun has the widest cheshire grin plastered on her face, it's starting to look quite unsettling.

“Really.”

You’re thoroughly shocked to say the least. You thought your fast, fleeting blowjob, sort of, was nothing special. A usual escapade to get his daily fill. Ordinary. Unmemorable.

However, it seems to be quite the opposite.

Jieun grabs your hand and swings it back and forth, exactly like a mother would do, although she’s merely two years older than you. “I know Jin’s been up your ass about Jungkook and frankly I don’t blame him he’s still a little shit from time to time but, he’s actually quite fun to be around and honestly I think his playboy tendencies seemed to dial down a bit since he met us.” The two of you giggle quietly amongst each other, quick feet making your way closer to the pool to avoid the scorching pavement.

Your toes are the first to dip into the pool and you practically moan at the cold water melting away the blistering haze that sticks onto your skin. The water is icy at your waist and you love it. “So my advice would be not to worry about him, instead it's his little army of plastic bimbos that you should watch out for.” 

“Ahh, internalised misogyny. We love to see it.” 

Jieun acknowledges you with a hum as the two of you float around the calming abyss. She then swims closer to you, nodding her head into the direction of a lonely Jungkook, who lazily stares at your alluring form. “I think your loverboy over there wants to talk to you.”

Jieun swims away before you can protest, leaving you to face the handsome man before you. His eyes are round and docile, yet his stare is tantalising, it pulls you in as if he’s slowly reeling you in with a rope. 

The water delicately ripples around your body when you approach him and you internally sigh in awe at the striking features of his stunning face. You want to use this opportunity to finally get to know him, and perhaps form a new friendship. 

You take note of the lack of Jin’s hawk-like eyes or for better the lack of any eyes on the two of you. You’re alone, huddled into one of the far corners of the pool, your conversation private, just for two pairs of ears. 

You open your mouth to speak, “So-”

“I-”

An uncomfortable silence stills the air and you both halt your words to giggle quietly amongst yourselves. God, this is awkward. 

“You go first”, You offer, tucking a wet strand of hair behind your ear. Jungkook follows the subtle movement of your fingers before taking a deep breath. 

“I feel like we should discuss the elephant in the room”

You're stunned. “Huh?”

“You know… That Friday night?”

Of course you knew what he was referring too, yet you wondered why as you honestly didn’t think that night had much impact on the man. 

With a raised brow you ask, “What about it?”

“I’ve just had a lot of... thoughts”

You scratch your head feeling puzzled. You’re sure Jungkook has had better blowjobs in his lifetime. Hell, Jungkook did most of the work that night. “Do you usually discuss the past hookups you have, or am I just lucky today?”

You’re teasing him, nevertheless Jungkook tilts his head back towards the sky. All he wants is clarification, only this conversation is heading down an awkward path, so he decides to spit out what’s been bothering him for the past few days.

“Okay listen, I know this is odd to say, but ever since that night, It’s like I can’t get you out of my head.”

Your ego inflates at his statement and you smirk. You knew you could suck dick well, but according to Jungkook you seem to have quite the talent.

You smile proudly, “damn, look at me go, I can’t believe I have the campus playboy wrapped around my finger.”

Jungkook scoffs, both in annoyance and embarrassment because shit, he could have worded that differently, now he sounds like the clingy girls he fucks.

“Yeah, yeah let’s not pretend like I was the only one enjoying myself here. Weren’t you the one practically begging to be touched?” 

You’re amused. “Weren’t you the one who couldn’t make me cum. Yet came from their own handjob?”

Jungkook tongues his cheek and looks away. The way you speak so casually intimidates him. No girl has ever spoken to him this way, in fact, Jungkook’s the one who usually likes to tease. He can slowly feel the creeping heat alighting his cheeks and God does he hope you don’t notice.

You patiently wait for Jungkook’s reply, a sly grin adorned on your pretty face. However, Jungkook doesn’t say anything, rather he frowns and immaturely splashes water at your face. 

“Jungkook!” You sputter, wiping at your face to rid of the chlorine in your eyes. “What the fuck was that for?”

He shrugs, “sorry my hand must’ve slipped”

You don’t take that for an answer, your petty nature crawling out as you splash him back harder than he had done. “Hand slipped, my ass.”

You cross your arms smugly, a small laugh blossoming out of your mouth when Jungkook cutely rubs at his eyes. 

It’s after a minute when you realise Jungkook hasn’t stopped furiously rubbing his eyes. The circular motions of his hand move so intensely that it begins to look painful and irritating. “Fuck, it stings”, he exclaims in agony.

Shit, you inwardly curse, gently touching his wrist, concern lacing your features because you didn’t think getting chlorinated water in one's eye would sting that much. You analyse his facial expressions closely and you wince at the redness surrounding his eyes from his harsh rubbing. 

On the contrary, Jungkook knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s competitive and won’t back down from a fight, even if it’s just fun banter, so he continues his little scheme just for the fun of it and hides his small grin under his large hands.

You’re now slightly panicked, “fuck, Jungkook I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit the water that hard I-”

Jungkook cracks.

Ever so slowly, he peeps his eyes out at you and watches with a mischievous smirk as your face morphs from alarmed to annoyed in less than a millisecond.

You tighten your grip on his wrist and attempt to slap his hard chest with your free hand, however Jungkook’s reflexes are fast and he grasps your hand tightly, a teasing glint in his eye. 

“You little shit-”

All of a sudden a loud holler is heard from the front door, rousing a relaxed Jin out of his chair as he sprints while simultaneously yelling at the ruckus being made. It’s then a stampede of both familiar and unfamiliar faces come crashing in. Some jump straight into the pool to cool off from the blazing sun while others rush to the table of assorted alcohol, desperate to get an ounce of it in their system.

Word seemed to go around about Jin’s supposed small get-together unbelievably fast, causing the once tranquil Kim Seokjin into a raging volcano. 

You’re pressed right up against Jungkook’s solid chest and he surprisingly pays you no mind, even though your perky tits are deliciously pushed up perfectly against his body. Jungkook’s eyes are not settled on them, rather he pays close attention to the amount of people dangerously plunging into the pool at a fast rate.

Jungkook protectively hugs your shoulders to shield you from the rowdy party goers who definitely do not understand the definition of personal space. Your heart swells when he then delicately places your head in the crook of his neck and wraps an arm around your fairly exposed body, essentially guarding you from frantic wet limbs and ignorant individuals.

You feel comfortable and safe, so comfortable that you wouldn’t mind staying like this for a while if it weren’t for the throng of college students delving into the cooling water. 

Jin’s house begins to fill with unexpected guests very quickly and you wonder how Jin is handling the situation. You suppose not very well when you see him whipping people with towels, red ears making an appearance and his booming voice following him.

Jungkook wants to get out and he’s sure you feel the same way which is why he smoothly slots his hand into your own, long fingers wrapping around your hand to carefully pull you through the growing crowd of people in the pool.

Whilst pushing past a variety of college students you are met with many stares, even worse, numerous envious eyes and whispers of possible gossip. You try your best to avoid their gazes, the hard stares reminding you of the last time Jungkook held your hand to push through groups of people. 

Water drips down the curves of your body and lands in little pools around you when you step out of the pool. At this point you’ve garnered even more turning heads that examine every inch of your skin closely. Their stares itch your skin and you feel akin to an animal kept in a zoo enclosure, curious eyes breaking down your confidence, you want to hide. 

You usually like to pride yourself on your confidence because you know you’re hot and you know your worth. It had taken many failed relationships to build up your self love and nourish the scars and memories of questioning if you’re good enough. 

You fight on and squeeze Jungkook’s hand, mostly for some sort of reassurance. It shocks you when he astonishingly squeezes back and softly rubs his thumb over the back of your hand. It’s almost as if he knows how you’re feeling. 

You glance up at him shyly. Jungkook keeps his eyes straight ahead. He smiles a different kind of smile than the one he had directed to you a few hours ago. His lips are in a permanent smug smirk. His usual playboy smile. He flashes it at everyone as if he’s asking for their approval and even goes in to high-five a few people who are unrecognisable to you. You soon realise that this is what Jungkook thrives on. People, validation and his notorious reputation he’s created for himself.

Jungkook lights up at the presence of crowds, flirty smiles and people calling his name, whereas you want to crawl into your skin and run away because from the perspective of outsiders it looks like you’re just another one of Jungkook’s flings that will soon be forgotten by next week.

Well, you hope you won’t turn out to be one of them.

At last you find yourself away from the heart of the party, your dress in hand but your body still wet nonetheless. Jungkook is in the same state as yourself, droplets of water dribbling from his dark hair and onto the timber flooring. He leans into your ear, “I’ll go get us some towels, stay here.”

He’s gone before you can reply, making small conversation when he passes by various people, his boisterous laugh echoing down the halls. 

You’re alone now, and defenceless at that. There’s not many people you know here, besides the few odd people you share a class with and some sleazy frat boys that hold a similar reputation to Jungkook. You want to find Jieun so you can hug her or maybe ask her if she can take you home, but she is nowhere to be found.

Fuck, You remember leaving your bag on the kitchen table, unsupervised with many personal belongings stowed away inside. Using your dress to cover the most of your exposed skin like a blanket, you stride over to the kitchen and sigh in relief when you find your bag untouched and in perfect condition.

Snatching up your bag, you grab your phone and immediately text Jieun to find out where the fuck she’s hiding, but there’s a part of you that knows she’s probably fucking Yoongi somewhere. Traitor.

Jungkook finds you to be in a completely different part of the house than where he asked you, one towel wrapped around his neck and the other draped over his arm. You haven’t noticed him yet, your frantic fingers texting a treacherous Jieun, “princess, didn’t I tell you to stay put?”

You’re startled. Switching your phone off you stick your arm out, waiting for Jungkook to pass you the towel but he doesn't. Jungkook gently pushes your shoulders so that you turn away from him and carefully wraps the towel around your body like a cape. You hold the edges of the fabric to help him hug the towel around yourself, keeping it tighter to your body.

Your voice is quiet, “thank you.”

Jungkook leans down to meet your face, “What was that?”

Even though Jungkook had been in the pool longer than you, his cologne still sticks to his skin and you kind of want to breathe more of it in, but that would be weird.

“Oh, I said thank you.”

You’re close to him again, although this time he towers over you with a look almost identical to a predator meeting its prey.

Jungkook’s eyes flirt around your face and descend. He shamelessly drinks up the swell of your breasts and whatever skin is visible amidst the fluffy towel around you. It’s strange. You had noticed Jungkook doing the exact same thing when you were alone with him. The difference though was that his looks were cursory as if he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Now, It's like a new persona had taken over him and he was ready to pounce at any sign of a green light. 

He’s stuck in a trance, fuckboy tinted glasses fogging his vision.

You force out a giggle and playfully shove his shoulder, “my eyes are up here, you know.” 

His reply comes lighting fast, he’s definitely been in this position before. “I know, just admiring them.”

Jungkook wants to hit himself the second his reply spewed out of his mouth. He desperately wants to reassure your unimpressed (though also very cute) face, because goddammit he wanted to be respectful. Jungkook knows he has a tendency to slip into a new personality when the right amount of people hyped him. Call it being two faced, he knows it's one of his fatal flaws. 

“I'm sorry.” 

He says it genuinely. 

Jungkook only just got to properly meet you, he doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression! He can admit, your first ever official meeting (moreso hookup) wasn’t ideal, yet the way Jin dragged him through the mud undoubtedly made him understand that you weren’t the type of woman that should ever undergo the treatment he puts his hookups through. Scratch that, any woman shouldn’t be treated the way Jungkook treats them.

You're now fully covered under the towel, not a sliver of skin on display. You don’t know if his apology was genuine. “It’s ok I guess, I expected nothing less from you anyways.”

“Right.” He’s messed up.

You clear your throat, “I’m gonna go get changed, maybe look for Jieun unless-”

Jungkook finishes your sentence, “-she’s fucking Yoongi.”

You exhale, “yeah.”

“Jeon Jungkook!”

The voice makes you halt at its familiar tone. Jungkook doesn’t notice your growing panic as he too freezes in his spot. 

No, it can’t be.

The world plays in slow motion when he walks into your line of vision. His assertive stride, smug smile and sharp eyes.

Jeong Suho.

His name explodes inside of you like a blistering fire yet your heart feels ice cold. He is the very man you have spent weeks trying to avoid and even more trying to get out of your head.

The world plays at a normal speed when he approaches Jungkook. Their facial expressions are the same, the way they greet each other is the same. They’re practically the same breed of fuckboy, born from the same mother.

“Been awhile since I’ve seen you around.”

Jeong Suho was a person that Jungkook didn’t really mind, In fact there was a point in Jungkook’s life where he would’ve considered Suho to be one of his closest friends. They were two peas in a pod freshmen year of college. Never giving a fuck about their education and always present for any opportunity to get completely wasted with as many girls they could possibly seduce. Nowadays, Jungkook would rather keep his distance from him.

On the contrary, you were one of the many girls that had fallen deeply for Suho’s alluring charm. You fell so hard, you thought that maybe just maybe there was a possibility that you could secure a future with him. Obviously that was not the case.

You thank your lucky stars that Jungkook was there to distract Suho while you make your haste escape. All you need to do now is somehow locate an unoccupied bathroom, preferably without having to walk in on someone getting it on, and then you could get the hell out of there.

You must admit, you look quite ridiculous right now. Navy blue towel wrapped tightly around your body, your small head peeking through. You could probably pass as some form of E.T cosplay right now. You don’t care if you look rude, pushing and shoving whoever stands in your way. You only have one goal and you’re so so close to succeeding-

“Wait, Y/N! Is that you?”

Fuck.

Do you run? Maybe duck behind some poor innocent student looking for a good time? You huff, you're already sticking out like a sore thumb, there’s no use in trying to hide when the enemy has already spotted you. Even worse Jungkook motions you over with a wide gleaming smile. If only he knew how much you’re dreading this interaction.

Grudgingly, you walk over, looking like an irritated gremlin with your towel still firmly secured around you. Jungkook makes matters worse by pushing the towel off your head, releasing your scruffy ball of hair. You grimace. 

“I didn’t know you knew Y/N?”

Suho sends a smirk your way. You however, glower.

“Yeah we go way back, don’t we baby?”

You force a tight lipped smile, howbeit you look as if you have a mild case of constipation. 

“Sure.” It comes out rough through gritted teeth.

Suho notes your frustration, a sly grin carving onto his punchable face. He turns towards Jungkook, seemingly blocking you from their conversation, yet you know Suho wants you to hear what he has to say.

“You know it’s a shame. Y/N’s gorgeous, ten outta ten body, knows how to put it to good use, however she never let me fuck her. Don’t you think that’s weird?”

Jungkook stays silent for a minute, eyeing your shaking fists and angry eyebrows. Jungkook may be dumb, but he sure knows how to read a room, thus leading him to the conclusion that your relationship with Suho isn’t something you’re very fond of and that he should probably get you out of here.

“Uhhh no, that’s not weird at all actually. What I think is weird is the fact that you think you have this sick claim on every girl you’ve defiled and even worse, you’ve always had this strange need to chase after every virgin you see like some perverted cherry picker. Yeah, that’s weird.”

Suho laughs right in his face, spit grossly tickling his skin. “That’s rich coming from you Jeon, weren't you quite the cherry picker in your freshman days, no?”

Jungkook doesn’t know what he expected from this conversation. It definitely wasn’t this.

It's obvious that Jungkook isn’t a saint, he really fucking far from it. Although, one thing's for sure, it’s his absolute hatred for the way his brain was wired in his freshman year of college. Yes, Jungkook still remains as one of the standing campus fuckboys but he’s gained a few more brain cells since then. 

Jungkook opens his mouth to retort, only to be met with Suho’s back as he turns his attention towards you.

“Y/N, darling if I were you i’d make a run for it, ya know keep your chastity intact or whatever.” His smile is saccharine sweet, though his words are sickly sour.

The months of pent up anger stored within your being bubbles and overflows like a bad science experiment. You’ve quickly decided that now’s that time to expose the shitty excuse of a man, and quite frankly you don’t care that you have an audience. Actually, an audience would make this all the better.

Your finger is strong, pointing accusingly at his broad chest. “You know what you stupid motherfucker? Don’t waltz in here with that dumb smile of yours when you know you have some disgusting cheesy infection growing down there.”

Suho’s eyes widen slightly. It was no secret he was a walking STD, just about infecting every girl that was naive enough to sit on his dick. 

Everyone at the party has definitely stopped to listen to what you have to say. You even spot Jin from the corner of your eye sending you a proud smile. “And while we're on the topic of cheese, Learn how to wash your fucking dick!”

You don’t let him have a moment to speak, grabbing Jungkook’s hand and pulling him out of the house.

A few people applaud, some girls praise you on your way out. You give them no mind, you’ve had enough for tonight.   

Jungkook starts his car, no questions asked. It’s obvious to him that there’s bad blood between you and Suho. What you don’t know is that Jungkook can also relate. 

Technically there was no bad blood between them, moreso the hurtful memories and manipulation Suho put him through. To put it simply, Suho was probably the worst influence Jungkook could ever have as a vunerable freshman. 

The crunch of gravel and soft melodies that spill out of Jungkook’s radio converse with eachother and fill the defeaning silence that sits between you and Jungkook. 

Jungkook doesn’t even know where he’s going, he just drives. 

Every so often he checks up on you from the corner of his eye. Your knees stick tightly together and point away from him. Your fingers curl and uncurl, leaving cresent moons in your skin. And to finish it off, your face remains still, hostility completely washing over your features. If Jungkook didn’t know any better he would think you’d jump out of his car and make a run for it at the chance of him stopping the car.

It’s seven sniffles later when Jungkook decides he knows where he should take you.

The night sky is clear and the stars burn brightly to accompany the full round moon. It’s the perfect setting for release and maybe a screaming session if you’re up for it.

Jungkook makes a stop behind a forest of tall trees and a dirt path. You sit up immediately. 

“Where are we?” Your eyes are rimmed with tears, “I want to go home.”

Jungkook shuts the engine off, “you never told me where you live.”

“Well you never asked!”

Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled because from the looks of it, Jungkook just wants to help you out and clearly you’re not being the friendliest right now. 

You curl back into yourself, “sorry”, another sniffle.

Jungkook brings your fists into his hands and warmly opens them up. You refuse to look at him, it doesn’t deter Jungkook one bit.

Tenderly he brings a finger under your chin, gradually bringing your eyes up to his. Jungkook takes his time with you, careful to not set you off until you’re face to face with his warm eyes. 

“I brought you here because it’s apparent we both need let out some pent up steam.” He drags his fingers delicately across the curve of your chin and back into his lap. His touch is fleeting, you miss it already. “I just thought you may want to vent or just shout out into the void, it’s up to you.” You nod, fully trusting Jungkook’s intentions. “And at any time you feel like going home just say the word and I’ll take you there, okay?” 

Your heart swells in adoration at his caring nature, though you can’t help but wonder how he can have such a sudden change in personality depending on where he is and who he’s with. It’s unnerving. 

Jungkook clicks his seatbelt off and heads out the car, “put your dress back on princess, I’ll be out here waiting for you.” You mutter your confirmation and do as he asks.

The cool summer air kisses your skin and runs through your hair as you step out of the car. Jungkook is already by your side dressed in an oversize hoodie with another in his hand as well as a fuzzy blanket. 

Jungkook steps closer to you, holding the hem of his hoodie to slip over your body. Without a second thought you raise your hands causing Jungkook to chuckle at how cute you look dwarfed in his clothes.

The same cologne you smelled on his skin earlier lingers on every fibre of fabric around you. His scent is everywhere, swirling around your head, instantly calming down your anxieties. You smile at him, “Lead the way Jungkook.”

Jungkook leads you up a small hill and you notice the trees opening up to display a lush field of grass. However, the sight before you leaves you in absolute wonder. You stand completely still and take it all in. 

The night sky is dark but the city below illuminates is beautifully. Your gaze bounces over all the buildings, skyscrapers and their dazzling bright lights. It’s peaceful up here, you decide as you take a glimpse of the hundreds of tall structures looking so tiny, so ant-like.

Jungkook is settled behind you, his legs comfortably folded underneath himself. He remembers what it was like the first time he saw the view, which is why he doesn’t blame your stunned silence and glazed eyes. 

“How did you find this place?”

You find your way towards Jungkook and plant yourself right beside him. “I don’t know, I was just driving aimlessly one night and found it, It’s nice right.”

You hum, “it’s beautiful.”

Jungkook murmurs in agreement as you lie down on the woolly blanket beneath you. The stars twinkle and glimmer amongst the deep blue sky, creating a serene experience. You shut your eyes.

“I hate him.”

Jungkook looks down at you, you don’t see him though. “Suho?”

“Yeah”, you exhale deeply, “I can’t believe I had to see him again.”

Although Jungkook knows you can’t see him, he swivels his body around to face you properly. “Did you guys date or something?”

You scoff, “pffft you know Suho doesn’t date anyone.” You open your eyes, meeting a pair of round docile ones. You continue, “Suho was the first guy who every gave me an ounce of attention. Before him guys never looked my way. Jungkook remains silent, letting you pour out what’s on your mind.

“Suho had me fooled, I thought I was special to him, thought he saw something in me that was different from the others. Turns out that was his game after all”

You speak so animatedly, your hands wave around in the air, your eyebrows scrunch when the memories come back to you. “It’s stupid really, how I used to gush to him about finding the one person in the universe that was created just for me. I guess he used this as my weak point.” 

Inhale, exhale. 

“He made me believe he was that special person for me, used it as an excuse to pressure me into sex.” A tear rolls down the side of your face, falling perfectly in a straight line. “I almost gave in, but something just felt so wrong. Every time I said no he would call me terrible names, tell me that no one would want me if I never gave them what they wanted. And I believed him.”

Another tear escapes your wet orbs, Jungkook is there to wipe it this time.

“I broke it off after I found out he fucked my roommate and gave her some disease.” You chuckle, “I guess I’m lucky I never let him fuck me huh?” 

Jungkook’s heart breaks at your saddened eyes and the way Suho treated you, he sweeps a stray hair out of you face. “I think you dodged a bullet there princess, what he did to you was pure evil, no one, and especially you don’t deserve that”

You sit up, wiping remaining tears and thanking him as you go, “It’s your turn now.” You pat his thigh, “tell me why Suho got you so riled up tonight.”

Jungkook shuffles in his spot, “It’s actually kind of similar to you.”

You gasp sarcastically, “no way he pressured you into sex too?”

He laughs, eyes squeezing shut, “No, no, nothing like that.”

You lean closer to Jungkook, giving him the same attention he had given you. “My father left when my mother found out she was pregnant with me, so growing up I had no male figure present in my life. My mother stopped at nothing to give me that to the point that almost every week I’d wake up and see a new man drinking out of my favourite mug. I didn’t mind it because I was only a child and some part of me always hoped they would stay, but they never did.”

“My mom was a hopeless romantic. She held so much sentimental and idealistic views on love that it stuck to me. She always told me that there was someone special out there just for me.” You smile at the similar belief, Jungkook sighs. 

“Cut to college, Suho was the first friend I made. I had no experience with girls whatsoever, and I still held on to my mother’s faith. Whenever I talked to Suho about it he would always shut me down or make fun of me.”

“He told me that all my feelings are bullshit, and that I only felt that way because I’ve never hooked up with anyone before. Next thing I knew we were going to parties every week getting absolutely shitfaced and fucking every girl I laid eyes on.”

You nod, listening intently. “And tonight, he hit a nerve. What he said made me realise that I’m just as bad as him. He moulded me into this person and now I have a reputation.”

Jungkook’s eyes drop, “he broke my concept of love before I even got to experience it.”

You never knew Jungkook was in a place like this. You always thought he was like Suho, built to break hearts and show no emotion when it came to love. Jungkook was nothing like that. His heart was truly big, desperately longing for someone.

Placing your hand on top of his own you comfort him as best as you can, “oh, Jungkook, trust me when I tell you this, the love in your heart is not broken. Think about it, most people you’ve met have been through college right?” He nods, “there are so many other people out there that you’ve never met, soon you’ll be able to find that someone and learn how to love. I know you present yourself as this emotionless playboy, but once you let that part of you go it’ll feel so freeing.”

Jungkook stares deeply into your eyes, he’s so thankful that he decided to bring you here, he can’t contain his happiness. 

“Can I like, hug you?” Jungkook asks shyly. You smile, and it’s so big and bright Jungkook might as well be staring at the sun. Before he knows it, you’re tackling him into the most wholesome hug he’s ever had. You’re warm and you smell like vanilla, It feels like home.

“Get up”, he says abruptly, extending his arm to pull up your confused self.

“What-”, Jungkook cuts you off, “have you ever just let yourself scream?”

Jungkook has intertwined your hands together, and your heart pounds at the realisation of how well they fit together. “Well, no but I assume that’s what we’re about to do right now.”

He pulls you closer to the edge of the small hill, the view of the city sparkles right in front of you. “On the count of three, one- two- three!”

You scream, you let it all out and God does it feel refreshing.

The two of you sound utterly insane, but none you give a single fuck. You scream until your lungs burn and your throat itches you to stop.

The volume of both of your voices ring out into the night sky only for the moon, stars and yourselves. The night is still young but Jungkook wouldn’t have it any other way.

With you he lets go of everything, all the past mistakes, all the hurt because at this moment he feels like he could fly, soar into the clouds. 

He feels infinite.

Taglist <3 

@zibermuda @uskookie @jeonscandies @melaninkpops @apollukee @hollowtree10 @liliskies @madygswich @pjmochii @eggbutnotyolk @gyukult @yukiehyukie @purplepearl07 (couldn’t tag) @tae165 @youurkryptonite @94ser0da @french-myfries @zippytheshark37 (couldn’t tag) @we8joon @tearvantae​ @emrysts @inspinkyring​​

[mammonshuman92]

- It Takes Two - Pt. 2

(Mammon x Gn!MC)

Genre: angst to fluff (the fluff is coming I promise lol)

Warnings: cheating, not proof read , if i missed any TW’s I apologize

“We’re a little busy right now.” A familiar voice, biting and arrogant, came from his lap. His eyes widened, whipping his head around to look at you in his lap. Except it wasn’t you. It was her. His heartbeat accelerated as panic began to set in.

“No, no, no, no, no.” He chanted, standing up in an instant, causing the succubus to fall to the floor with a thud and a few profanities. As events began to unfold and the puzzle pieces started fitting together; when it was already too late, he realized what he’d done. A hard lump instantaneously forming in his throat. He turned to you, eyes wide with terror, hands on either side of his head tangling in his hair.

“MC..I..I-It’s not wh- I thought-” He choked out.

He followed your line of sight, which was glued to his undone pants and obvious arousal. With shaky hands and fingers unwilling to cooperate, he fumbled with his zipper, struggling to get it up. Arms from behind snaked around his middle, gently clawing at his chest. 

“Shall we finish what we started?” She hummed seductively, staring daggers directly at you.

You shook your head, a sob escaping your lips as a fresh wave of tears streamed down your cheeks. You brushed past Asmo, disappearing out the doorway.

What’s goin’ on..? ...This can’t be happenin’..

He shoved the girl’s arms off of him without saying a word, a scowl spreading across her face. He made a beeline for the door, Asmo quickly stepping in front of him to block his way. “Don’t. You’ve done enough..” With venom lacing his tone, he looked the succubus up and down. He turned his glare on his brother for just a moment, the utter disgust they held was evident, before running out the door after you. As his figure disappeared, Mammon could feel the reality, the weight of the situation setting in.

His heart was pounding against his ribcage, breathing becoming erratic. The lump in his throat was unwavering, choking him as tears streamed down his cheeks. The gravity of it all bringing him to his knees.

“How moving.” The voice behind him scoffed, reminding him of her presence, “It almost seems like you love them.”

His head whipped around to see her, lounging casually on the sofa as if nothing had happened.

“You.” He growled, harshly wiping his face with the back of his hand as he stood up.

 “Stay the fuck away from me!” He snarled.

She laughed lightly as she stood from the couch, crossing the floor until she was right in front of him. “Don’t be like that. Ten minutes ago you were ready to nail me on that couch.” She purred, her finger trailing down his chest, quickly moving lower. Like a flash, he grabbed her wrists and held her hands up in the air in front of her.

“Let me make one thing very clear to you right now. I don’t want ya. I only made out with you and shit because I thought ya were MC. I would never willingly do anything to hurt them.” He glared at her, making sure she caught that emphasis, before dropping her hands. “Your jealousy bullshit, and making moves on me while I’m drunk just made me lose the one thing that has ever been good about me..” He trailed off, releasing his grip in her.

She rolled her eyes, “Why are you getting so worked up over a human? There’s nothing special about-”

“Excuse me?” He growled. 

Mammon has always been the level-headed one when it comes to altercations, believe it or not. He never usually lets his anger get the best of him. After thousands of years of being the scummy brother, the thief, the loser, he got used to just letting people’s words fall upon deaf ears, so to say. But, that was not the case this time. You see, anyone could say whatever they wanted to about him, he didn’t care. He could handle whatever was thrown at him. 

You, on the other hand? Well, you’re flawless. In every miniscule way, you were perfect. That’s not saying that you don’t make mistakes, or drive him crazy sometimes, but to him there was absolutely not a thing about you he would change. Everything you did, everything you were, was absolutely immaculate.

Rage bubbled in his gut.

Leaning in closely, he towered over her, radiating ire. “I’m not gonna sit here and discuss why you’re wrong, seein’ as how it’d take all day, but what I am gonna to say is for a lesser demon, ya might wanna reconsider who you’re talking to. He spat, “Say one more thing about MC, and it’ll be the last time ya speak..” He whispered, glaring at her for a moment before taking a step back.

“Stay away from me and MC.” He warned once more, daggers in his eyes as he turned and bolted through the door.

If he had any shred of hope left, it was that you would talk to him and let him explain everything. He knew it was shitty, after everything that just went down, to even consider the possibility of you forgiving him, but he held onto that little shred of hope. Had he been in the right state of mind, had she not taken advantage of the situation and the state he was in, he would’ve never even stayed in the same room with that girl, much less go as far as he had.

He felt awful. Whether he was so drunk he was convinced it was you on his lap or not, he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. After seeing the horror, the heartbreak on your face; the tears that stained your cheeks because of something he’d done, he kinda didn’t want you to forgive him. He didn’t want to lose you, couldn’t imagine continuing on without you in his life, by his side. But if you hated him now, he wouldn’t blame you. He deserved it. And he would live with it for the rest of his existence, knowing that he messed up his only chance at true happiness; at spending his life with his soulmate.

-

You bobbed and weaved as quickly as you could through the crowd of club patrons, needing to get far away from here as fast as you could, as your impending breakdown was sure to be a sight to see.

You were already so out of it; physically present but mentally, your brain had already shut off. Not quite sure how to handle the current situation. All the faces in the club were just a blur; you could feel the bass of the music reverberating inside your chest, but you couldn’t hear anything. Kind of like when you’re somewhere so quiet, the absence of sound feels so heavy, deafening.

You had to get out of here. Heart hammering wildly, you felt as if you couldn’t breathe; like the walls were closing in on you. A panic attack was setting in. Finally free of the sea of people, you darted out the front door of the establishment, running as fast as your legs would take you back to the House of Lamentation. Hoping that no one else would be home to see you; becoming witness to your unraveling.

-

*bing*

*bing, bing* *bing*

Your D.D.D. continued going off with near constant notifications well into the night. You could’ve just put it on silent, but you just couldn’t seem to move, frozen by heartbreak. Apparently several pictures were going viral on Devilgram, leaking this rumor and that regarding the second born and the succubus. Further making you look and feel like a complete fool.

Mammon had also been blowing up your phone since you made it back to the HOL. He had even come by your room in an attempt to talk to you but once he realized the door was locked, which had never happened the entire time you’ve lived here, he sat outside the door begging you to open it as loud sobs escaped him. As much as you wanted to, you didn’t budge.

Of course you still love him. How could you not? Hearing his desperate pleas and heartbroken sobs was almost too much for you. Although you were the one who had been betrayed, you wanted nothing more than to fling the door open, latch yourself onto him and never let go. But you couldn’t. Cheating is a dealbreaker. It’d happened before, in previous relationships, but shit this one hurt so bad, worse than any other heartbreak you’d had.

He had his faults, much like everyone, but he was so perfect for you, and treated you like you’d always dreamed. This couldn’t really be the end could it? Over, just like that? Completely smitten and in love two days ago, to heartbroken, crying on the bathroom floor. 

How are you supposed to move on from this? He’s your best friend. Or, was. How are you supposed to pass him in the hall, or eat dinner, or have House movie nights in the common room? How are you supposed to act like you're not still in love with him..?

-

The next week was pretty rough, to say the least.

You stayed locked away in your room when you weren’t at RAD; replaying the moment you saw them together, crying until the tears no longer fell; effectively torturing yourself. They’d all come knocking at your door countless times, trying their best to make you feel better. And while you appreciated it wholly, it didn’t help.

Avoiding Mammon was probably one of the hardest things you’d ever done, seeing as how you kinda live together. While it was extremely hard not to just run up to him and latch onto him like you always did, it seemed harder to just avoid him in general. 

During the first few days, he left small presents outside your door, had a couple of his brothers slip you notes, and waited for you after class a few times. After using every ounce of your willpower to avoid him, he left you alone. He still messaged you several times a day though, apologizing profusely, begging you to talk to him.

But, it was better this way right? Like ripping off a band-aid? 

That’s what you’d always heard anyway. Instead of asking questions and demanding answers as to why someone else chose to hurt you, you just cut it off right there, ghosting them; removing yourself completely from their life. Because if they truly cared, really loved you, they wouldn’t make the conscious decision to do something that they know would hurt you, that stepped outside the boundaries of your relationship. Their reasoning doesn’t matter. Aside from living in the same house and attending the same school, you had pretty much ghosted him.

In public anyway. In the privacy of your room, where you could feel everything to its fullest, you’d spend hours going through pictures, skimming Devilgram for any new gossip about the two of them. Re-reading your old text messages, finger hovering over the send button of the text you’d typed out a hundred times before deleting it and tossing your phone, a new wave of tears pricking your eyes.

-

Unable to sleep, he’d tossed and turned in his bed so much that his body ached and one of the corners of his sheet had popped off the bed. With a heavy sigh, he rolled over and grabbed his D.D.D. off the nightstand. Squinting his eyes harshly when he unlocked the phone.

“3:41am” He groaned, tossing the phone back onto the nightstand. He turned back over, facing the empty side of his bed. Sure, he didn’t often share it before you, but once you started sleeping together, he wasn’t sure how he’d ever slept before you came along. It just felt right. Your body molded against his, sleeping peacefully in his arms.

His hand trailed down the cold, empty sheets; the slight disruption releasing your smell. A hard lump formed in his throat as tears pooled behind his lash line. He sat up quickly, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palms. With a heavy sigh, he stood up and grabbed a pair of pajama pants, making his way to the door. If he had any hope of being able to fall asleep again, he’d need some help drowning his thoughts.

He quietly made his way to the kitchen, fully intending to turn up the bottle of Demonus Lucifer kept hidden in the dark recesses of the pantry. As soon as he stepped foot in the kitchen, he froze.

It had only been seven days, but it felt like a lifetime. Seven days without being in the same room as you for more than just a moment before you ran in any direction as long as it was away from him. Not that he could blame you. He wanted to run away from himself..

Which is exactly what he was determined to do with Demonus, had he not stumbled upon you sitting with your back to the fridge, crying into a half eaten container of chocolate frosting. 

Immediately alerted to the figure in the doorway, you jumped up, attempting to wipe at your face as you muttered an apology, but paled when you saw who it was that disturbed you. You slowly sat the container on the counter, keeping your eyes fixed on the man in the doorway.

What was left of his heart, shattered at the sight of you. Your eyes were puffy and red with dark bags underneath them. The same eyes that looked at him with such deep burning love, were now dull and lifeless as you stared at him. You were visibly broken, anyone could see that. He was the reason you looked like this; like an abandoned puppy, beaten and abused. He hated it. Hated himself.

He moved out of the doorway and into the kitchen, freeing up the only way out in case you wanted to run. Not that he blamed you. If he could run from himself right now, he would.

But, now you were in the same room together for the first time in a week and he didn’t want to waste the opportunity. Maybe if he just started talking you would listen, even just a tiny bit to what he had to say.

“MC, I-”

“Don’t.” Your voice trembled slightly as your eyes began to sting.

“Please, just hear me-”

“And what are you going to say, hm? That you’re sorry? Sorry you did it, or sorry you got caught?” You hissed with tears in your eyes. Mammon slightly recoiled from the tone of your voice, a tone he’d never heard from you. You hated being this way; angry and bitter, wanting him to hurt like you did. It was surely petty, but you didn’t care.

“MC, listen, I swear I didn’t do anythin’, okay? I was still goin’ strong from an all night drinkin’ binge, an-and she just showed up in the VIP lounge. I told her to fuck off but she didn’t listen. I was already pretty out of it when things started happenin’ and I thought it was you. I thought it was you the whole time! I-I didn’t know it was her till I heard you and Asmo and realized what happened! She took advantage of the situation, of me bein’ way too drunk..” He was talking so fast, trying to get out the words he’d been wanting to say to you. 

Narrowing your eyes, you stared at him suspiciously.

What if he really didn’t do it on purpose..? If all of that is true, it would explain why he looks so rough..

Having barely stayed in the same room as one another for several days and not wanting to look at him, wanting to remain strong and now cry in front of everyone, you hadn’t noticed but how awful he looked as well. He clearly hasn’t been sleeping well, judging by the giant bags under his eyes. Not to mention that he is also currently awake at 4am, looking just as much like shit as you did.

“Then why is it all over Devilgram that it’s been an ongoing fling?” You questioned, a few tears escaping.

“I would never do anythin’ like that, MC! She’s just jealous or somethin’, I don’t know what her issue is.. But, I-I love ya, more than anythin’ in the three realms. Even Goldie!”

You could feel yourself caving in with every word he said. It made sense, judging by how she’d randomly confronted you after school that day after whispering about you with her friends all day, it seemed like jealousy could be plausible. But what proof did you have? It was his word against what you saw with your own eyes. Not to mention everything on Devilgram.

“Funny, from where I was standing, it sure looked like I was the last thing on your mind.” You hissed, causing him to flinch; but he wasn’t backing down yet.

“Just let me prove it to ya, okay? I-I’ll do whatever I gotta do. Please, MC?” His deep, sapphire blue eyes bore deep into yours; the sorrow, the agony they held was immense. The crack in your armour deepened.

He could see that you were wavering, but that you were hesitant, scared to believe him; to trust him. He couldn’t blame you. If he were on the other side of all this, he wouldn’t believe his words either. He didn’t expect you to just hear him out then jump into his arms and ride away into the sunset. He knew better. He knew he’d have to prove it. He was more than willing to do whatever it would take for you to trust him again, to believe that he’d never hurt you intentionally.

He took a step toward you, careful and anxious, as if you would bolt if he moved too suddenly. He reached out for your hand slowly, reluctant at first but upon realizing how much you’d missed his touch as his warm, much larger hand enveloped yours, you caved so easily.

He squeezed your hand lightly, looking down at your entwined fingers, gently rubbing the side of your thumb. You felt something wet hit your hand a couple times, realizing quickly that they were tears, you attempted to swallow the lump in your throat that was quickly forming.

“Please? I’m miserable without ya..” He asked, voice cracking slightly.

Even after everything that’s happened the last week, you couldn’t stand to see him in such pain; miserable and broken. Just like you.

Sure, he was always stand-offish about his feelings and the like before you got together, but once it was all official, that was it; the walls came down. There had never been a single time that he lied to you or went behind your back with anything. He lasted exactly twelve minutes after buying your birthday present before he couldn’t take it anymore and spilled the beans. 

He’s always a goofball, sometimes has bad timing and isn’t always the best with words, but he’s never given you a reason not to trust him before; he’s never been anything but an amazing boyfriend that genuinely tries his hardest to make you happy.

“One.” You whispered, barely audible. His head snapped up, deep blue eyes scanning yours. You closed your eyes, taking a deep, yet shaky breath.

“One chance. That’s it.”

No sooner than the words left your lips, Mammon was pulling you flush to his chest in a bone crushing hug. Had you not been utterly craving his touch, to be held by him, you would’ve pushed him away. That’s what you told yourself anyway.

“I won’t make ya regret it, MC.” He earnestly swore, squeezing you gently.

For the sake of your heart, you hoped he was right.

~ taglist ~

@ithinkimdekubutreallyimdenki

@maybe-nott

@bandaged-despair

@bokuto7stan

@aliackerman

- part three coming soon -

[msookyspooky]

Random Headcanon's for the Scream Character's

Billy really was a normal sweet kid and a good boyfriend before his mom left. Everyone paints him as always being crazy and his mom just triggered him but I honestly don't think that's true. Sidney and her parents would not have been okay with her dating a bad boy from Sophomore year onward. Sure it happens and maybe she saw past it but If Sidney would have seen how Billy acted with Randy in the videostore; instant break up imo. He could not have hid that side of himself for two years straight. Remember, they were dating a whole year prior to Maureen cheating. My theory is he may or may not have had a 'side' to him or other undiagnosed disorder in his gene pool (Mrs Loomis snapping too.) but Billy's psychotic breakdown was mostly situational + groomed by Roman and there were other things in his life that probably were boiling over and Debbie leaving him completely broke him. So, he was in an extremely vulnerable state when Roman came around and molded him. THAT is why Sidney trusted him so much in Scream before the phone incident and even somewhat after. Because Billy was a good boyfriend before her mom's murder and she would have never suspected it. Now how her or no one else could see him tumbling into madness or at least deep depression before Roman sank his talons in is beyond me. Maybe she did and he shrugged her off? Either way, the situation made him shut down all empathy towards other people and changed him. His empathy is towards his mom, possibly his dad since Hank never died and that is it. He has symptoms of a psychopath and even though that is usually genetic I 100% think a psychotic breakdown could do it as well.(Don't come for me bitch I'm not trained in any of this just using what I know from research 🧍‍♀️) If his mom never left and Roman didn't come along; Billy would have never been a killer

Contrary to Billy's situational psychological crazyness. Stu was always going to kill. I don't even think it's is he a sociopath vs a psychopath argument as much as he is just disconnected from reality. (Though he would most likely be a Sociopath if he was bc of his lack of boundaries as well impulsive behavior. Thinking killing was a game.) Stu possibly suffered abuse as a child. He was terrified of his parents more than the law. Either A. They abused him and permanently terrified him. Or B. He really has a stunted mentality and thinks of killing as a game and fears his parents more than the law bc the consequences are just not clicking LIKE A KID. He's like a giant little kid with no sense of how things work. He still could have been abused and that is what stunted his growth mentally. However, his violent tendacies were always there. Never preplanned just urgent anger or sadistic glee he couldn't control. Billy just suggested the killings and he was instantly down. Like, hell yeah cool. Most ppl no matter what mental illness they have or how severe are not that easy to convince. Whose to say he hadn't killed before or was planning to? My theory is he is so disconnected from reality that killing really is a giant fun game to him and he would have eventually murdered someone even without Billy.

Idk why this isn't more thought of throughout the fandom. Billy and Stu did not rape Maureen bc the evidence would have pointed to someone other than the guy they were framing. Cotton Weary had sex with Maureen, left, Billy and Stu taunted her on the phone and lured her away, they killed her, police suspected rape bc A. they didn't know about the affairs. B. Cotton's semen or her discharge or bruising being there. They naturally assumed it was rape but in actuality no one raped her. Cotton's dna from their affair incriminated him even more. Not saying that Billy and Stu would think of rape as morally wrong enough not to do in their book BUT it would have been stupid on their part and made it obvious there were other suspects besides Cotton.

Stu isn't a lapdog. Stu literally revealed on the phone he was going to throw Billy under the bus. He hesitated giving him the knife. Stu is like a kid. He most likely suffered trauma that regressed his mental age. He's eager to please, desperate for attention and most likely fawns over people he feels close to in an obsessive way. He could have even been in love with Billy and vice versa which is why he was so eager to please him. However, he was not nearly as stupid or a lapdog as much as the fandom makes him out to be. I think Randy saying it in the videostore sealed the deal for people even though he was only acting like that bc he was helping Billy too and covering their tracks. Billy was the one with the plan. Stu just tagged along out of the urge to kill. But he 100% had his own plan to kill and bail if needed. My mind is made up on that.

There was a third killer in Scream and it wasn't a teen or Roman. You're telling me two 17-18 yr old guys could come up with every detail? Roman only told Billy the basics. How did they get tactical police shoes? How did they get to the houses so fast and leave just as quickly? How did they both take down and restrain Steve or Neil by themselves enough to tie them up? Sure, Stu was deranged and tall but these two lanky teens were able to take on a football player with muscles and a grown man? Possible but stil meh to me. Their plan was too thorough for two teen boys to come up with on their own. Both crazy. One completely unhinged and disconnected from reality and the other so blinded by revenge he was stupid at times. (Fucking stabbing yourselves before killing Neil and Sidney. Not even thinking to AT LEAST tie Sidney up as well...Really? Jill was smarter in 4 in that respect tbh.) I truly think their was an adult involved in Scream helping them or guiding them. I would say Roman if it wasn't for him going back to Hollywood. But Billy and Stu had help DURING the killings 100%.

Randy is not this mecha survival final boy like the fandom thinks. The kid watched one too many horror movies and based them on real life. Scream itself is making fun of slasher movies and Randy was supposed to be the narrator setting most of the dumb rules up into play. Everyone is like "omg that's so out of character how he died in 2" no its not. If the rules work then him losing his virginity did him in. He was drinking, he was pissed off and not thinking. Plus Mrs. Loomis attacked in broad daylight, something no one thought of. (And the whole debate how a middle aged woman could pull him in. LOOK. Randy is a fucking small guy and she grabbed him backwards, using momentum to haul him back into the van. PLUS she was enraged at what he said about Billy. Adrenaline is a hell of a super drug as far as testing the bodies limits. I have seen tiny girls become the hulk when they are pissed I'm jus sayin) Point is, Randy was just a teen boy that loved horror movies. He was not some survival guide especially since it showed him even on the couch not aware of Ghostface behind him. He was a giant satire showing how even he didn't always follow the rules of slasher movies and how dumb the rules are.

Tatum loved Sidney and had more chemistry with her than Billy. I am not saying they weren't just BFF's and I don't want to ruin female friendship with constantly thinking "omg they are gay together" any time two women are close. BUT it is strange that it was only those two as friends especially since Sidney didn't fit into Tatum's popular social circle. It's like Tatum went out of her way to be friends with Sidney. Maybe they were childhood friends and that's why? But I think it's entirely possible that just like it's speculated that Stu and Billy were secretly in love; Tatum possibly was at least bi and in love with Sidney.

[goddess-pan]

Ore Hybrid!Reader x Dream SMP

Dsmp x reader prompt; Ore hybrid!Reader in the Dream SMP. Credit would be appreciated so more people can find this and make their own things based on it.

Requested from my idea list by @smolbox-png, if you would like to request something, you are still able to.

Mostly fluff and crack type prompt, but could be used for angst at some parts.

TW! Manipulation for one bit, and what could be a non-descriptive panic attack in another with it marked in bold (both the start and the end) for people to skip and remains as coherent piece with either or both removed/skipped. Also slight talk of blood, but non-descriptively in few places.

---------------

Let's start of with the reader being an ore hybrid in general and then later move on to the specifics of the ore types if there are any unique features related to that ore specifically.

The reader's skin has a greyish tint to it and is covered in veins of the ore they are a hybrid of. The veins as well as their nails are made of their ore type. In some cases were they are more ore than human their bones are also made of the ore and their blood is a molten version of that ore. Most are at least slightly fire resistant, but not necessarily resistant to lava.

If the reader's ore can be made into armour they naturally have half of the protection wearing that armour type would provide. If their ore type doesn't have an armour set they only have slightly stronger skin, but still harder than a regular humans.

The reader would feel most at home either under or in the ground around the y-level the ore of their hybrid spawns at, and in the right dimension. So they would most likely have an underground base, whether that base is actually in a cave, a mine, an abandoned mineshaft, inside a mountain or a hill depends on preference and what’s available.

I think among the other people on the server who would have natural affinity to them depending on their ore type;

For Phil it would instinctually be any ore hybrid whose ore is shiny, in this case; Iron, gold, diamond and emerald. Plus redstone, but only if it's activated, and netherite, but only if the gold parts of them are visible.

For Techno it would instinctually be gold and netherite.

For Foolish it would be instinctually be gold and emerald.

For Fundy it would be instinctually be emerald, but only by a slight margin.

Some ore specific things that some of the different version can do;

Netherite hybrid wouldn't have the grey tint to their skin due to not only being a refined ore (an alloy, more specifically) but also due to not being based from an overworld ore. If one looked closely they could see tiny specs and streaks of gold in the veins. They are also the only one immune/resistant to lava and fire.

Gold hybrid passively pacifies piglins similarly to wearing gold armour. The only ore hybrid whose skin could be tinted grey or red, depending on whether they are overworld or nether based. Their favourite biome would be either the badlands (the mesa) if overworld based and the nether in general if nether based.

Iron hybrid would be able to use themselves to set things on fire if they have a piece of flint. They would also feel a weird kinship towards iron golems.

Redstone hybrid would emit a light if they get hit or tapped due to getting activated that way.The light lasting for about a minute before stopping. The redstone in them gets activated by active redstone like redstone torches and blocks of redstone.

Lapis lazuli hybrid would need one less piece of lapis lazuli to enchant since they can just use their nails to write or coat the enchantments on whatever they are enchanting. Their blood dyes anything it touches very easily and it's almost impossible to wash off.

Coal hybrid would have strange affinity to wither skeletons that they don't quite understand. They can light their fingers on fire and use them as an impromptu torch. Probably the only one who could make their base on the surface overworld and still be comfortable.

Emerald hybrid tends to get a lot of discounts from any villagers they trade with. Their favourite biome or most specifically the one they are most comfortable in would be the mountains/extreme hills.

Now on to some small scenarios of them interacting with others on the server or the other way around;

Tubbo definitely wanted to perform some experiments with them to test their powers/abilities similar to the way he did to Ranboo when they found about his silk touch hands.

TW! Panic Attack Ranboo having a mental breakdown, because he wanted to make the reader some gifts with their specific ore type (for ex. having a piece of it as the center piece of jewelry he made) but now that he thinks about it he isn’t sure of whether they would be delighted or horrified that he technically used their kin to make things that he would gift them. Aaand now he’s facing the moral dilemma of whether this is ethical or not. Techno ends up finding him spiraling and goes to try and calm him down, but then Ranboo ends up telling him about it. Techno starts to think about the times he’s not only gifted them things, but also about the times he ended up using the ore without even thinking with them in the same room as him. And now they are both spiraling. When Phil finally finds them both, he had to call the reader on the comms to ask them about it so that they would have definitive answer and calm down. TW! End

Several people have made the joke “Could this be considered blood money?” when the reader has bought something using their ore type (since it technically could be).

Ranboo has on few occasions while sleepwalking picked the reader up and moved them to another place. Should the reader try to move away while he’s still around he would end up getting agitated, but still move them back. So in short; they have to wait for Ranboo to either leave the area or wake up. This would end up happening to the emerald hybrid most often due to their veins’ colour reminding him of grass blocks.

All of the people on the list of people who had an affinity for a certain ore type; Phil, Techno, Foolish and Fundy, have on multiple occasions walked straight into something or tripped due to them staring at the reader. Primal brain go brrr when they see them, especially if it’s unexpected, and then they forget to watch where they are going. Phil is the prime offender and he gets so very easily distracted by a person sized shiny thing before crashing straight into something. Foolish’s brain goes “Shiny! Kin?” and ends up staring longer than he thought, it ending up with him walking straight into a tree with him laughing it off. Fundy’s thoughts go more on the lines of “Ooh, want! Take? Steal? Wait, no, no, no! They’re a person, bad brain, bad brain.” and while he is scolding his thoughts he ends up walking straight into a wall. And Technoblade, well uhhh, here’s the funny thing... if the reader is a gold hybrid he might just stare at them at first, but after few seconds if he didn’t end up walking into something or tripping, he’s barreling straight towards them. If the reader’s holding onto someone or the other way around they just get a bunch of jealous snorts coming the other person’s way. However if no one is in contact with the reader or they are alone he is going to pick them up and carry them until he either; snaps out of it or he has stored them safely in his home.

TW! Manipulation. Both Technoblade and Dream were very interested on if one could use the reader’s blood with molds to make resources out of them. This would be possible if the reader’s blood was the molten variety of their ore, but if the reader was a very human ore hybrid it would be less so. While both of them are interested in the prospects of it they have very different ways of going about it. Techno would ask the reader about it and if they were okay with trying it. If they said no to it he would sulk for a bit, but then accept it, only theorizing about it without experiments. While Dream would go down one of three routes; Route one being budding up to the reader and guilt tripping them if they said no when he asked, Route two being acquiring a favor from the reader and cashing it in to try it, and Route three being kidnapping them and doing it anyway (whether it would be him that did the kidnapping or someone he convinced to do it for him is up for debate). TW! Ends.

Once Quackity has gotten Las Nevadas set up enough he might hire them as “eye-candy” for the casinos. The reasons for that being; that he would have noticed that they get stared at by some of the other people on the server if they were any of the hybrids that a person had an affinity over, their hybridization being eye catching in general and of course the obvious connection people’s mind makes from seeing ore; wealth. The position reader would have as their actual job title would depend on what he think they would most likely accept whether that be; a dealer, the entertainment, a bartender, a server or a security guard. After all not that many people like to be hired for their looks.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Laito Dark [Prologue]

ー The scene starts in the forest

Yui: ( ...I made it to the Demon World, but what should I do now...? )

( They always escorted me to their castle in the past, so I don’t know the way either... )

( Running away was the only thing on my mind, so I came here without giving it a second thought, but perhaps I made the wrong choice after all... )

ーー Guess I have no other choice but to proceed for now.

*Rustle*

Yui: !?

( Don’t tell me Wolves have made it this far...!? )

ー She starts running

Yui: Haah, haah...

( ...Seems like they’re not coming after me...Thank god... )

Haah...I’m kind of tired...

( Perhaps I should find shelter somewhere and wait for the sun to rise...Then I’ll continue my search for the castle once it’s light ouーー )

( Ah, but...But if I recall correctly, the nights here last much longer than those in the human world... )

What now...?

( For now, I’ll find a safe space to rest. There’s no point in aimlessly running around... )

ー The scene shifts to a cave

Yui: Haah...What should I do next?

( I wonder if I should just head back? Even if I continue to wander around here... )

( However, that’s where those Wolves are... )

Uu...

( It’s no use. I can’t come up with any good ideas while mentally exhausted... )

( ...I’ll rest up a little. )

Haah...I wonder what Laito-kun’s doing right now...?

ー Yui closes her eyes

*TIMESKIP*

???: Kukukuku...How lovely...Honestly...Why is a girl’s lonely expression just soーー

ーー irresistibly sexy, I wonder? I can’t get enough of it.

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: Nn...

*Rustle*

Yui: Nn...Stop...

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: It tickles...

( ーー Wait...!? )

( Something is...feeling me up...!? )

ー She opens her eyes

Yui: Kyaaaaah....!!!

???: Uwah...!?

*Thud*

Yui: ...!! Eh...!?

Laito: Owowow...How could you suddenly jump up like that, Bitch-chan...? You meanie...

Yui: L-Laito-kun...!?

Laito: I took a heavy blow right to the face as a result...

Yui: I...I’m sorry. Are you alright?

Laito: Uuu...I’m fine...

Yui: Haah, thank god...

Laito: I know I’ve only got myself to blame for trying to assault you in your sleep but...

Even so, your headbutt was nothing to scoff at.

Yui: ...Sorry. I was surprised when I felt something touch my body...

More importantly, when did you get here?

Laito: Eh? Quite some time ago?

Yui: Eh!? No way...You should have woken me up then.

Laito: I mean, that would have been a missed opportunity, no~?

Yui: A missed opportunity? Wait, how so?

Laito: This situation, obviously! Nfu~

Yui: ...!?

Laito: My cute Bitch-chan finds herself in unknown territory...

With nobody to come to her rescue, she has to spend a night full of insecurities all by herself.

Just the thought of that gives me the shivers! Don’t you feel the same?

Yui: I-I don’t...! I was really scared, you know...!?

Laito: Oh dear~? Are you mad at me?

Yui: W...Well...

( For as lonely as I felt by myself, seeing Laito-kun still be his usual self makes me feel extremely relieved. )

( I could never get upset at him... )

I’m not angry.

Laito: Fufu...Of course you aren’t~ You just love me after all.

Yui: ...How about you?

Laito: What about me?

Yui: ...Do you also...?

Laito: What’s this? You want to confirm it? I’ve said it plenty of times before, haven’t I?

Yui: Butーー

Laito: Nfu...You’re uncertain, aren’t you? ...I can tell...Nn.

*Smooch*

Yui: ( Laito-kun... )

Laito: Of course ーー I love you. (1) A lot, okay?

Feeling reassured now? Nfu~

Yui: Yeah...Thank you.

Laito: Haah, I thought we were going to be apart for a while but...Our reunion came quicker than I expected...

Yui: I’m sorry for coming here on a whim. The Wolves made it to the manor...

Laito: Oh no, Bitch-chan. This is what you should say instead.

‘I missed you so much, I couldn’t stand being apart...So while I was thinking of you...

I subconsciously found myself opening the gate to the Demon World.’ ...Something like that?

ーー Say, tell me. I know we weren’t apart for long, but while you were by yourself...You thought of me, didn’t you?

Yui: Well, of course...

Laito: Did you let your imagination run wild during those times?

Yui: Well...

Laito: You didn’t?

Yui: ...I-I didn’t have the time to...

Laito: Really?

Yui: I don’t lie...

Laito: Fufu...Bitch-chan, no point in hiding it~

I can tell. The fact that your face is flushed as red as a strawberry right now proves my point.

You see...While feeling sad from noticing how my scent slowly faded from your own body.

Your feelings for me should have only grown stronger...

...Just like mine did...Haah...

ー He takes in her scent

Yui: Laito-kun, that tickles...

Laito: You don’t like it?

Yui: Uu...

Laito: Say, Bitch-chan? Should I not put myself at ease by taking in your scent like this?

Yui: ( He really sees right through me... )

Laito: Kukuku....A prisoner of love, you’re completely in my grasp, aren’t you?

ーー I don’t think I have to say this...But you have me in your grasp as well.

The truth is, I was worried you might just follow me here, so I’ve been keeping an eye on you.

Yui: Eh...!? T-Then...You’ve been watching me ever since I set foot inside this world...?

Laito: Exactly. I was watching over you.

I figured you’d come. You can no longer bear being away from me after all.

Yui: ...

Laito: Having trouble proving me wrong because I hit the nail on the head?

Yui: Yup.

Laito: ...Why the haphazard response?

I bet you want to try and defend your case, but you find it too much trouble, don’t you?

Yui: Uu...I-I mean, no matter what kind of response I give, I can’t talk my way out... (2)

Laito: Nfufu~ You seem to know me very well, Bitch-chan.

As to be expected of my Yui-chan~!

Yui: ( ...He seems very happy... )

( I guess I can take this as him genuinely accepting my feelings? )

( In that case, I’m happy too... )

Laito: Bitch-chan, are you listening?

Yui: Ah, yeah. I am.

Laito: Really? I hope soーー

*HOOOOWL*

Laito: Whoops...It’d be troublesome if those Wolves were to show up...

Come on. Let’s go.

Yui: Yeah!

( I really am glad Laito-kun came for me. Now I can rest assured, right? )

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the living room of the Sakamaki manor

Yui: ーー Wait...W-Why? We came back.

Laito: Nfu~ Exactly. That was my plan all along after all.

Yui: Is this...okay?

Laito: Hmー Let me think.

What if you’re attacked by those Wolves like Ayato-kun was...?

Laito: Well, I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it...?

Yui: Laito-kun!

Laito: Just kidding~ It was a joke.

But you know, I might just prefer being roughened up by those Wolves over having to stay at that castle.

ーー I’d rather not have to stay there for an extended period of time.

Yui: ...

Laito: Say, you feel the same way, don’t you? Rather than being stuck at that castle crawling with Vampires...

...you’d much rather indulge in some sweet private time with me here, don’t you?

ー He steps closer

Yui: ( He’s trying to beg the question. )

( I guess he really must not want to stay at that castle... )

Right. Let’s do that then?

Laito: Nfu~ You’re good at matching someone’s vibe, aren’t you? I don’t hate that, you know?

*Rustle*

Yui: Laito-kun...

Laito: Yes?

Yui: I like you.

Laito: Fufu... ーー So do I...Nn.

*Smooch*

Yui: ...

Laito: Yui-chan...

*Rustle*

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to Yui’s room

Laito: ーー That being said, this place sure has known better times...The whole manor has been turned upside down...

I think Reiji would have a mental breakdown if he saw this. Nfu~

Yui: We have to try and tidy things up step by step, otherwise we won’t be able to properly live here.

Laito: Good point. However, I don’t dislike the thought of living in this mess of a manor.

Yui: Eeh!? W-What makes you say that!?

Laito: Just try imagining it! What it would feel like to ‘have some fun’ (3) in a room which has been turned upside down~ 

As you find yourself amidst not-so-ideal circumstances, you suddenly experience a strong desire for carnal pleasure and you eagerlyーー

Yui: S-Stop right there! I’ve heard enough!

Laito: Eeh? I was just about to get to the juicy part though?

Yui: M-More importantly, I wonder if those Wolves won’t come here anymore?

Laito: I’m sure we’ll be fine for a while. However, if we stay here too long, they might find us eventually.

Yui: Right...

Laito: So, I had a great idea.

All of the Vampires who live around this area have retreated back to the Demon World.

In other words, their manor is currently uninhabited, right? So why don’t we go live there?

Yui: You mean we could go to the manor of the Mukami’s, for example?

Laito: Nfu~ Exactly!

We stay here for a bit first, then go to the Mukami’s place after. Honestly, I wouldn’t even mind returning to your childhood home for a bit.

Yui: I see...If we go from one place to another, it’d be more difficult for them to track us down.

Laito: I think it’s an almost disgustingly good idea, if I may say so myself.

Yui: However, are we sure we can just invite ourselves in...?

Laito: It kind of gets me all excited! It’s like we’re eloping together. Nfufu~ 

Yui: ( He’s not listening at all. )

( We don’t know when the Wolves will make their move, so we have to stay on guard as long as we don’t know what exactly they’re after. )

( I can only pray life will be back to normal soon... )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) This might just be a stylistic choice, but when Laito says 愛してる or ‘aishiteru’, it isn’t written in kanji as it is in all other routes, but in Katakana. This is quite odd/uncommon because usually Katakana is used for foreign words or words borrowed from another language.

I’m sure there are other people who could do a better analysis of this, but I do think it’s written like this because Laito saying those words is also somewhat surreal in itself? So by writing the word in Katakana, it reflects that sense of ‘strangeness’. 

(2) Literally she says that she can’t escape his ‘pace’. 

(3) もつれ合う or ‘motsue-au’ literally means ‘to get entangled’. I mostly found it in context of tangled vines, etc. but I think we all know what Laito implies here. :p

<- [ Prologue ] [ Dark 01 ] ->

[lucysarah-c]

Little ramble about Chapter 14 and the love square

While I prepare myself for tomorrow's memes and gifs out of context👀​. I wanted to ramble a bit about this chapter, in particular about love square or love triangle (some people don't count Petra's crush as part of the romantic deal).

I wanted to do that if you take Erwin's actions and dialogues to a side without the context, they do not appear "mean" or "angry". The bad connotation conversations between Y/N and Erwin have is purely set up by her mood and perspective. I do believe the only thing in common these two have from that relationship is that Y/N look at Erwin doe-eyed saying "how could you do this to me? Do you see how bad I'm doing, it's all your fault" and, it appears, that Erwin actually thinks "this is all my fault". While I didn't write Erwin's perspective from the party, how he describes it at the end is kind of "How could I hurt someone who I care about so much? she looks so much healthy and happy when I'm not around" Which is not a nice mental state, Erwin knows he fucked up but he just doesn't know how to fix it. Every single time he tries to talk to her, she's so defensive and offended that's practically impossible. We see Erwin waving the white flag multiple times or letting her get away with the last word. But at the same time, he can't help it that he loves Marie way more. A funny fact to point out, everybody is saying "Lucky Levi that Erwin is too busy to notice" because I feel like Y/N has always been (in everybody's eyes) Erwin's girl even before dating. And... let's say that Erwin himself has considered that too. What I am trying to say is that Erwin had never had to "worry about securing" Y/N because there was this implicit rule that she was already his. He doesn't expect anyone to persuade her or Y/N to give space to another man because let's be honest 🤷​ Y/N hasn't shown interest in any other man. I feel Levi's position is "easier" somehow, he doesn't have to forget another lover. He's hurt but is not on a romantic level and that's why it's so much easier for him to unconsciously take a decision or position. He has feelings for Y/N and, even if he doesn't truly accept them or understand them, Levi doesn't really have anyone else at the moment he's close. So for Levi, a person who is protective by nature, feels like taking care of Y/n is just what he has to do. Plus, I do believe not only that Levi's love language is acts of service but Levi in his mentality taking care of your girl is basically what a man does (or at least what during the period of time that the fic takes place seems likely). It's like Levi says "Look at me, I'm so much better at taking care, spoiling you and protecting you that he had ever been". Also haha I do feel Levi is secretly extremely possessive; his crush and his crush's ex-boyfriend spending the day together away from him? Nah uh, he had to mark territory even if it's indirect. The coat isn't only nice and tender considering that she's not feeling well, it's also Levi saying "hang offs! she's mine now!" Y/N... oh my poor poor Y/N. She's a mess, from suffering a mental breakdown to having to reconsider her entire morals and upbrings. But also she has her heart divided in two and that conflicts her even further. She's on bad terms with Erwin but she hasn't forgotten him yet which makes Levi's moves even harder for her. I had this thought while writing her:

"She's scared of being the Erwin's for Levi" Basically, she's scared of moving on with Levi but not forgetting Erwin completely and making Levi play her role in the relationship. The role of the person who just has to accept that they love a person who loves someone else more.

However, she starts to realise that her relationship with Erwin was really idyllic, platonic, and apotheosize. It's like "she was in love with the idea that Erwin fit into her childhood ideal of a man" than actually "in love with the real Erwin". Does that make sense? Petra, while I try to do that Petra's comments about Levi are quite accurate, her love for Levi is how Y/N's love for Erwin was. It's not real, it's just crush. She's in love with the idea of Levi, not Levi. Also, Petra as the youngest of the four is the "third wheel" you may say of the group. Nifa and Nana are "more friends" of Y/N than they are of Petra. So it's natural that they favour Y/N. Plus, it's quite obvious that Y/N is losing patience over Petra's crush because guess what? Y/N is deeply insecure about herself recently and, while she's not sure about her feelings for Levi, she feels like anyone is a competition for keeping him (including her friend) even when it's quite obvious that Levi seems to only be fancying Y/N.

[luckgods]

Why all the white guys in whump?

I got Inspired by a post asking that question, and here we are. Warning: long post ahead.

I think it’s due to a combination of factors, as things frequently are.

The preference for / prevalence of white male characters in fandom is well-known and has been examined pretty thoroughly by people already.

What’s worth noting for discussing this tendency in whump in particular is that the ‘whump fandom’ itself is not a ‘fandom’ in the traditional sense of being made of fans of one single source narrative (or source setting, like a particular comics fandom, or the Star Wars extended universe) with pre-existing characters. Although subsets of traditional fandoms certainly exist within the larger whump fandom, a lot of whump is based on original, ‘fan’-created characters.

So, given the tendency of ‘traditional’ fandoms to create stories disproportionately centered on white male characters due to the source material itself being centered on white male characters (and giving more narrative weight to them, characterizing them better, etc), if we say hypothetically that the whump fandom is split say 50/50 between ‘traditional’ fandom works and original whump works, you’d expect to see a higher number of works focused on white men than the demographics of the ‘traditional’ fandom’s source work would predict, but not as extreme of a divergence between the source material & the fanworks as the one you’d see if whump fandom were 100% based on popular media.

However, that doesn’t quite seem to be the case. Whump stories and art remain focused on overwhelmingly male and frequently white characters, which means that the tendency of the fandom to create stories disproportionately centered on white male characters cannot be ONLY explained by the source material itself being centered on white male characters (and giving more narrative weight to them, characterizing them better, etc).

And, having established the fact that whump writers & artists presumably have MORE control over the design of their characters than writers & artists in ‘traditional’ fandoms, we have to wonder why the proportions remain biased towards men, & white men in particular.

—

The race thing is pretty simple in my opinion. Mostly, it’s just another extension of the fanbase’s tendency to reflect the (predominantly US-American, on tumblr) culture it exists in, which means that, in a white-centric culture, people make artworks featuring white people.

There’s also the issue of artists being hesitant to write works that dwell heavily on violence towards people of color due to the (US-American) history of people of color being violently mistreated. I’ve actually seen a couple of posts arguing that white people SHOULDN’T write whump of nonwhite characters (particularly Black characters) because of the history of actual violence against Black bodies being used as entertainment, which means that fictional violence against Black people, written by white people, for a (presumed) white audience, still feels exploitative and demeaning.

I'm not going to get into all my thoughts on this discussion here but suffice to say that there's probably an impact on the demographics of whump works from authors of color who simply... don't want to see violence against people of color, even non-explicitly-racialized violence, and then another impact from white authors who choose not to write non-white characters either due to the reasons stated above, or simply due to their personal discomfort with how to go about writing non-white characters in a genre that is heavily focused on interpersonal violence.

Interestingly enough, there’s also a decent proportion of Japanese manga & anime being used as source material for whump, and manga-styled original works being created. The particular relationship between US-American and Japanese pop culture could take up a whole essay just by itself so I’ll just say, there’s a long history of US-Japanese cultural exchange which means that this tendency is also not all that surprising.

—

GENDER though. If someone had the time and the energy they could make a fucking CAREER out of examining gender in whump, gender dynamics in whump, and why there seems to be a fandom-wide preference for male whumpees that cannot be fully explained by the emphasis on male characters in the source text.

I have several different theories about factors which impact gender preference in whump, and anyone who has other theories (or disagrees with mine) is free to jump in and add on.

THEORY 1: AUTHOR GENDER AND PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
 Fandom in general is predominantly female, although these days it might be more accurate to say that fandom is predominantly composed of cis women and trans people of all genders. However, pretty much everyone who isn't a cis man has had to contend with the specter of gendered violence in their real personal life. Thus, if we posit whump (and fandom more generally) as a sort of escapist setup, it's not hard to see why whump authors & artists might willfully eschew writing female whumpees (especially in the case of inflicted whump), because (as in the discussion of people of color in whump above), even violence towards women that is explicitly non-gender-based may still hit too close to home for people whose lives have been saturated with the awareness of gender-based violence.

THEORY 2: SICK OF SEXY SUFFERING.
 Something of an addendum to theory 1, it's worth noting that depictions of female suffering in popular media are extremely gendered (in that they specifically reflect real-life gender-based violence, and that said real-life violence is almost exclusively referenced in relation to female characters) and frequently sexualized as well. There's only so many times you can see female characters having their clothes Strategically Ripped while they're held captive, being sexually menaced (overtly or implicitly) to demonstrate How Evil the villain is, or just getting outright sexually assaulted for the Drama of it all before it gets exhausting, especially when the narratives typically either brush any consequences under the rug, or dwell on them in a way that feels more voyeuristic and gratuitous than realistic and meaningful. All this may result in authors who, given the chance to write their own depictions of suffering, may decide simply to remove the possibility of gendered violence by removing the female gender.

THEORY 3: AUTHOR ATTRACTION. 
I'll admit that this one is more a matter of conjecture, as I haven't seen any good demographic breakdowns of attraction in general fandom or whump fandom. That said, my own experience talking to fellow whump fans does indicate that attraction to the characters (whether whumpers, or whumpees) is part of the draw of whump for some people. This one partially ties into theory 1 as well, in that people who are attracted to multiple genders may not derive the same enjoyment out of seeing a female character in a whumpy situation as they might seeing a male character in that situation, simply because of the experience of gendered violence in their lives.

THEORY 4: ACCEPTABLE TARGETS.
 The female history of fandom means that there's been a lot more discussion of the impacts of depicting pain & suffering (especially female suffering) for personal amusement. Thus, in some ways, you could say that there is a mild taboo on putting female characters through suffering if you can't "justify" it as meaningful to the narrative, not just titillating, which whump fandom rarely tries or requires anyone to do. This fan-cultural 'rule' may impact whump writers' and artists' decisions in choosing the gender of their characters.

THEORY 5: AN ALTERNATIVE TO MAINSTREAM MASCULINITY.
 Whump fandom may like whumping men because by and large, mainstream/pop culture doesn't let men be vulnerable, doesn't let them cry, doesn't let them have long-term health issues due to constantly getting beat up even when they really SHOULD, doesn't let them have mental health issues period. Female characters, as discussed in theory 2, get to ("get to") go through suffering and be affected by it (however poorly written those effects are), but typically, male characters' suffering is treated as a temporary problem, minimized, and sublimated into anger if at all possible. (For an example, see: every scene in a movie where something terrible happens and the male lead character screams instead of crying). So, as nature abhors a vacuum, whump fandom "over-produces" whump of men so as to fill in that gap in content.

THEORY 6: AMPLIFIED BIAS.
 While it's true that whump fandom doesn't have a source text, it's also true that whump fans frequently find their way into the fandom via other 'traditional' fandoms, and continue participating in 'traditional' fandoms as part of their whump fandom activity. Bias begets bias; fandom as a whole has a massive problem with focusing on white male characters, and fans who are used to the bias towards certain types of characters in derivative works absolutely reproduce that bias in their own original whump works.

—

I honestly think that there is greater bias in the whump fandom than anyone would like to admit. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems as though whump fans avoid introspection and discussion of the issue by bringing up the points I talked about in my previous theories, particularly discomfort with depictions of female suffering for amusement.

However, I think that, as artists, we owe it to ourselves and one another to engage in at least a small amount of self-interrogation over our preferences, and see what unconscious or unacknowledged biases we possess. It's a little absurd to argue that depictions of women as whumpees are universally too distressing to even discuss when a male character in the exact same position would be fine and even gratifying to the person making that argument; while obviously, people have a right to their own boundaries, those boundaries should not be used to shut down discussion of any topics, even sensitive ones.

Furthermore, engaging in personal reflection allows artists to make more deliberate (and meaningful) art. For people whose goal is simply to have fun, that may not seem all that appealing, but having greater understanding of one's own preferences can be very helpful towards deciding what works to create, what to focus on when creating, and what works to seek out.

—

GENDER ADDENDUM: NONBINARY CHARACTERS, NONBINARY AUTHORS. 
Of course, this whole discussion so far has been exclusively based on a male-female binary, which is reductive. (I will note, though, that many binary people do effectively sort all nonbinary people they know of into 'female-aligned' and 'male-aligned' categories and then proceed to treat the nonbinary people and characters they have categorized a 'female-aligned' the same way as they treat people & characters who are actually female, and ditto for 'male-aligned'. That tendency is very frustrating for me, as a nonbinary person whose gender has NOTHING to do with any part of the binary, and reveals that even 'progressive' fandom culture has quite a ways to go in its understanding of gender.)

Anyways, nonbinary characters in whump are still VERY rare and typically written by nonbinary authors. (I have no clue whether nonbinary whump fans have, as a demographic group, different gender preferences than binary fans, but I'd be interested in seeing that data.)

As noted above with female characters, it's similarly difficult to have a discussion about representation and treatment of nonbinary characters in whump fandom, and frankly in fandom in general. Frequently, people regard attempts to open discussions on difficult topics as a call for conflict. This defensive stance once again reveals the distaste for requests of meaningful self-examination that is so frequent in fandom spaces, and online more generally.

—

TL;DR: Whump is not immune to the same gender & racial biases that are prevalent in fandom and (US-American) culture. If you enjoy whump: ask yourself why you dislike the things you dislike— the answer may surprise you. If you create whump: ask yourself whose stories you tell, and what stories you refuse to tell— then ask yourself why.

[rosiehunterwolf]

And the Walls Kept Tumbling Down

Prompts: Trust and Breakdown

Word Count: 3,706

Characters: Pixal and Lloyd

Timeline: right before season 8

Trigger Warnings: Mental Breakdown/Panic Attack, Lack of Self-Worth

Summary: Pixal has been Samurai X for awhile, now- a role that allows her to be herself, to be happy. But it’s also... incredibly lonely. Luckily, she’s not the only one alone- Lloyd has been left in the city while his friends go after Master Wu, and his presence is comforting. But as they struggle with a mysterious biker gang, Pixal can’t help feeling the want to be part of something more.

Link to read on FanFiction.Net:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13897921/1/And-the-Walls-Kept-Tumbling-Down

“Master Lloyd, maybe you should go get that checked at the hospital.”

“Pix, I’m fine, it’s just a scratch,” Lloyd mumbled through the gauze as he snapped it with his teeth, winding the last several inches around his forearm. “And I thought I told you to stop calling me that.”

“Why? You are our master now, aren’t you?”

Lloyd snorted, tentatively testing his arm as he moved it back and forth. “I’m no master. I can’t even keep our team together.”

Pixal stared at him, shocked. “We all agreed on this, Lloyd. It is the most efficient plan to find Master Wu.”

“Yeah, and whose plan was that?” Lloyd’s voice was suddenly sharp.

“I believe it was Zane’s, but-”

“Exactly! It was Zane’s plan, not mine. I did nothing. And now, they’re off searching for Master Wu, and I’m sitting here, doing nothing.”

An unfamiliar sensation squeezed at Pixal’s chest, one that felt hot and fierce and miserable all at the same time, before she had to remind herself that no, she didn’t have a body, didn’t have a chest to feel pain in, and that she was just speaking to Lloyd over the monitors.

At least, in the moment, she was.

“Zane trusted me to watch over this city,” she insisted, her voice unstable- which it shouldn’t be, she was a nindroid, not affected by such things- “He trusted us.”

Lloyd flinched visibly, looking away from the computer they were using to talk. “Pix, I didn’t mean- look, I’m sure Zane much would’ve rather had you come along with him, but instead you got stuck babysitting me.”

“Normally, I would object, but I think you’ve already proven your own point,” she commented, shooting a pointed glare at his bandaged arm.

Lloyd gritted his teeth, letting out a slow breath. “I get it, Pixal, I’ll be more careful next time.”

“A doctor’s visit couldn’t hurt, Lloyd.”

“Will you drop it already?”

She frowned. “I wish you wouldn’t grow cross with me, Master Lloyd. I am only trying to look out for you-”

Lloyd stood up sharply. “I get it, okay? I’m incompetant. You don’t need to keep calling me ‘master’ out of pity, I know I’ll never be able to live up to my unc- Master Wu.”

Pixal blinked at him, stunned. “Lloyd, I never-”

“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it!” And then he was reaching forward, slamming down the laptop’s lid, and Pixal’s world went dark.

He knew how much she hated that, when he turned her off or walked away without her consent, like she was some sort of object.

He hadn’t meant it- she had learned a lot about Lloyd in their past year alone together, and he often became impulsive when he was angry in order to cover up his sensitive, insecure side. It would probably only be a matter of hours before he came running back, apologizing repeatedly, and sobbing over what a horrible friend he was as Pixal patiently waited for him to calm down. But she had grown to like and respect Lloyd, and it still stung when he snapped at her, even though the logical part of her mind knew that it wasn’t really her that was the problem.

What bothered her even more so, though, was the things he said about himself. It had been abrupt, this time, but she hadn’t missed the times he had slipped it in more subtly into conversation. It made her angry, how he refused to appreciate himself.

And now, stuck in this stupid form, she couldn’t go after him.

Well. Technically, she could.

The Samurai X suit had been up and operational for a few months since her last major upgrade- the one that had finally given her her own, independent body, separate from just the mech itself.

But she was nervous to remove herself from the computer entirely. She was aware that she was so incredibly useful as a program, with instant access to all sorts of technology and data. She had become an asset to her team.

She liked feeling important, feeling like she was part of the group.

But being the samurai allowed her to physically be there. In these last few months, she felt like she had really grown to know and trust Lloyd- even if he didn’t know it was her beneath the samurai mask. She wanted to get to know the others fully, too- she was already fairly close to Zane, but she liked the rest of the team, too- Cole, Jay, Kai, and especially Nya, Pixal felt intrigued by. She had spent some time connecting similarities between them- there were a lot of differences, too, but she felt like they could be friends. A physical form would allow her to bond with them, like a human. She was well aware she wasn’t one, but she wanted to understand.

But she was afraid, too. Except for Zane, and maybe Lloyd, now, seeing the others again felt daunting. They had never been particularly close before she had been scrapped. What if they thought she was infringing on their team? The six of them had been close for so long. It would make sense if she wasn’t wanted there.

She just wasn’t ready, not yet. Communicating with Lloyd through the monitors would just have to do for now. It was difficult, though- it didn’t seem like he took her as seriously this way.

For now, though, they had bigger problems. Lloyd’s injury hadn’t been too severe, from what she could tell, and would heal quickly. But it had been a sizable wound, and could leave some pretty severe scarring, if he wasn’t careful with it- she knew he wouldn’t be, which was why she had to keep him in line- but the point was, these were no common thieves going around, dealing this kind of damage. This gang- whoever they were- were something bigger, more dangerous than their day-to-day threats. Pixal wasn’t sure if it was severe enough to start calling the others back- she didn’t want to interrupt their search for Master Wu. But she would certainly have to keep a closer eye on Lloyd from now on, to make sure he didn’t get in over his head.

She should probably start playing a more active role as Samurai X. Although the ninja had a tentative relationship with her mysterious persona, she wasn’t about to send Lloyd against this gang alone again.

She just hoped he would have her.

---

The next call came in much sooner than Pixal had anticipated. At the unappealing hour of four in the morning, Lloyd hauled himself out of bed and stumbled drearily out the door at Pixal’s report of a prison breach alarm coming from Kryptarium. With the rush, there was no time to talk to him, and the drive to the prison was awkward and silent.

When they arrived, it turned out the alarm had been triggered by accident. The good news was there were no criminals to stop, the bad news was that they had woken up at four am for no reason.

Not that Pixal particularly minded- sleep was inconsequential to a nindroid, but Lloyd was less than pleased.

“I mean, if you’re going to have an alarm system that immediately pages the city’s ninja team and makes them stop everything they’re doing to rush over there, it should at least be heavily guarded. How do you even accidentally set off an emergency alarm? I thought these guys were supposed to be professionals!”

Pixal stifled a laugh as he paused, taking a sip of the iced coffee he had picked up as they had headed back. He had told her, “If I’m already up and ready, I might as well spend some time in the city for a little while. Y’know, in case they trigger any other ‘alarms’ that I need to go rushing off to.”

“Perhaps they need a lesson from the ninja,” Pixal suggested.

“I’ll say,” he grumbled. “I don’t know how this city ever survived before we showed up.”

“Well, experience is the best teacher, and you guys have triggered enough traps and alarms to last a lifetime.”

“Wait, what?” Lloyd spluttered. “No, we haven’t! We’re highly trained ninja, we’re better than that.”

“Oh, really? I seem to remember quite a few in the Tournament of Elements, or the time with the technoblades, or when General Cryptor tracked you- shall I go on?”

“Shut up,” Lloyd snorted, trying to hide his grin. “You don’t know nothin’.”

“You’re right, I don’t. I was only with you for a short time before I was uploaded into Zane’s head, and after that, my view of your adventures was extremely limited. I can’t imagine how much more trouble you got into when I wasn’t there.”

“I hate you,” he said, attempting to scowl and failing miserably, the look on his face was too comedic for Pixal to bite back her laugh this time. It wasn’t long before Lloyd joined her, and soon, he was bent over, clutching his stomach, and he had to sit down for a moment to catch his breath. Pixal felt warm inside as she watched him take a long sip from his coffee. She enjoyed seeing him like this. He had been far too tense over the last few weeks, and she missed the more childlike, carefree side of him.

After a moment, though, the expression on his face fell solemn, and he turned to the tablet they were using to communicate to look her directly in the eyes. “Pix, I’m really sorry for yelling at you last night. I was being a brat.”

She paused carefully, both relieved and nervous that they were finally addressing this. “Lloyd, I know you were hurting. I am only trying to look out for you.”

He put his hands behind his head. “Yeah, I know, I need to work harder-”

“Lloyd,” she interrupted firmly. “That’s the other thing. I need you to stop saying things like that about yourself.”

He cocked his head at her. “Like what?”

Good grief, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. “Talking down on yourself. I called you ‘master’ because that’s what you are now. You’ve earned this title, Lloyd. Just like you’ve earned everything else in your life, and more. It was not my intention to say you would take your uncle’s place, but say that you can be just as great of a leader as he was.”

Lloyd suddenly found the cracks in the concrete to be very interesting. “See, people keep saying that, but- it’s just so hard. I feel like I always mess everything up. Something always goes wrong, or worse, someone gets hurt-”

“Lloyd, you’re one person. You can’t expect to be successful all the time. You may be a ninja, yes, but your job is very difficult and dangerous, something most people wouldn’t even dream of tackling. You’re part of a team for a reason, and I’m sorry they’re not here right now, but until they return, you’re going to have to give yourself a little credit.”

Lloyd’s breathing hitched, and he scrubbed at his suspiciously wet eyes. His next words were so quiet, Pixal could barely hear them. “I just miss them. Everyone… everyone always leaves, and I’m tired of being alone all the time.”

Pixal was struggling to breathe herself- even though she was a nindroid, didn’t need to breathe- the sensation was still there.

She could remember when she had been alone too. Those nights after Zane had… had died, had been some of the worst times of her life. The emptiness had only made it sting worse, but when Lloyd had reached out to her, she had refused him.

She had been scared, scared to let anyone else into her life in case she lost them too, but now she realized that he had been hurting just as much as she had. She knew his friends had gone off on their own like she had, leaving him just as alone as the rest of them. She had been the cause of that, she had only hurt him more when he was already going through so much.

When she spoke again, it wasn’t just for the situation at present.

“I’m sorry, Lloyd. I’m so sorry.”

He looked up at the screen, his watery green eyes staring into hers, then raised an arm, his fingers ghosting the screen, before falling back to his side. He looked away, swallowing.

“What is it?”

“I just… I wish I could hug you. I wish you were here. Like, actually.”

“I am much more useful in the computer, Lloyd.”

“Yeah, but you’re not… you’re not here. I don’t care about how useful you are.”

Pixal let out a trembling breath, but Lloyd hardly seemed to notice, already beginning to stand up. “Sorry about being such a downer. I better get back to the Bounty, I’m sure the police have something for me to do.”

“Lloyd?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I just… they’ll be back soon. I know they aren’t like… other people. They’re going to come back. And besides, until then, I’ve got you, right?” He gave her a shy smile.

Pixal froze. This was it. He was extending- a metaphorical- hand to her. Offering her to be part of something that she had been wanting for a long time.

But it felt wrong. She wasn’t a ninja. She wasn’t one of his teammates. What if she was assuming wrong? What if he wasn’t really asking that?

“I’m not one of the ninja, Lloyd. I can’t help you the way they can.”

“No, you’re whoever you want to be, Pix. But you’re still my friend.”

Friend. Pixal felt a sudden urge to correct him, to tell him he was mistaken. “I’m not part of your team. I… I can’t be.”

“Trust me, Pix- in every sense that matters- you are one of us.”

---

“Pixal, I need my car! Now!”

The nindroid’s voice came out slightly crackly from the radio. “Your coordinates, Master Lloyd?”

“I’m somewhere around… well, you know how to find me.”

The cable he was gripping onto slowed to a stop, then quickly began to swing back down. Squeezing his eyes shut, Lloyd prayed that Pixal knew what she was doing, and let go.

Air whipped past him as he fell freely, the fall feeling both agonizingly slow and alarmingly quick at the same time, but before he had time to question what the hell he was doing, a blur of green darted out from a nearby alleyway, and Lloyd fell into his car.

He quickly pulled himself up and took over the controls. “Impeccable timing, Pix! You’re getting good at that.”

“I have to do something while you’re busy fighting crime, don’t I?”

“Speaking of which…” Lloyd cut off, gritting his teeth as he wove in between cars on the busy street, chasing after the biker. “Who is this person? Anything you can tell me about them?”

“They appear to be affiliated with the same criminal biker gang we have been having trouble with over the last few weeks. I am afraid I cannot tell you anything other than that. They have been keeping a very low profile.”

“Well, whoever they are, they’re good. I’ll keep you posted.” Gritting his teeth, he pushed on the gas and shot through the streets after the mysterious biker. They were a skilled driver, but Lloyd wasn’t lacking in that department either, and soon, he had caught up to the biker. The person’s eyes glowed an eerie red through their mask, their expression emotionless, and Lloyd forced his gaze away for a moment to examine the object in the back of his bike- presumably the stolen item. It was a red mask, with an ugly, beast-like face patterned over the top, complete with a mouth of crooked, yellowing teeth, and deep, glowering eyes. It looked like nothing more than a costume. Lloyd wondered what they could possibly want with it.

Putting on another burst of speed, he pulled in front of the biker, making them screech to a halt to avoid a collision. The two of them stared each other down, only a short stretch of road between them.

The criminal revved his engine, and suddenly, was racing towards Lloyd. Lloyd began to do the same, and just when he thought the biker was about to hit him head-on, mechanical arms extended from the bike, driving into the road, and sending the biker flying over his head. Lloyd slammed to a halt and jumped out of the car, running over to the bridge as the biker went over the edge. He yanked something near his chest, and all of a sudden, a big sheet was billowing out from his back, gray and black and red-

Lloyd’s breath caught in his throat as the parachute unfolded fully, revealing the emblem of a face that Lloyd had never thought he would see again.

No, no, no. Lloyd stumbled back from the railing, his breath hitching in his chest as he tried desperately to draw it in. This doesn’t mean anything. Perhaps they just are a fan of Garmadon, it doesn’t mean he’s here-

But it wasn’t working. His body just wasn’t listening to him, his heart beating too fast, his breath trembling and shallow, and his head-

“Lloyd!” A voice came from seemingly out of nowhere, and in his panicked state, he couldn’t, he couldn’t-

“Lloyd, it’s Pixal. What’s happened, why aren’t you responding?”

Oh. It was Pixal, on… on the radio. With trembling fingers, he reached down and switched on his mic. “...Pix?”

“Lloyd, don’t scare me like that, what’s wrong?”

“Pixal… Pixal, I don’t know…” Oh gosh, he was spiraling, spiraling hard, panic swamped his brain as images of his father flashed before his eyes, first running off with the golden weapons, then trying to kill him when the Overlord had taken over, then when he had submerged under the ocean, down, down, down with the Preeminent-

No! Lloyd’s eyes snapped open, scattering the images. He couldn’t be thinking about this now, not- not when-

Oh gosh. His father couldn’t be involved with this gang, he couldn’t. He was gone, gone for good. He missed him, so, so much, but nothing with his father was ever that simple. Something always went wrong, and Lloyd was just beginning to get over his last death, he couldn’t- couldn’t live through the pain again-

“Lloyd, Lloyd listen to me, just try to breathe-”

He could barely hear her. His legs had stopped working, and he sunk to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest, trying to remember to breathe. The last thing he needed was to pass out from lack of oxygen.

He buried his face between his knees, gulping through the sobs. Dammit, why was he like this, he hadn’t had an episode this bad since Morro-

And now he was thinking about that part of his life, one he had so desperately hoped to forget- it had been years, why was still not over that, he had gotten good at suppressing those feelings long ago, but when he got like this, he couldn’t control anything-

He hated when he got like this, it was so terrifying, he just wanted to go home, he just wanted Kai to be here, why was he always all alone-

Suddenly, firm, cool arms were wrapping around him, pulling him close. Lloyd gasped, his eyes flying open sharply.

A pair of glowing green eyes stared back at him, shadowed with fear. “Hey,” she whispered, her metallic jaw moving with the words, “I’m here now. You’re going to be okay.”

He had lost it, he was hallucinating, how was- how was she here-

“Pixal?!”

“Yeah,” her voice was quiet, rubbing her fingers across his palm. “It’s me. I’m here.”

“How?”

“I’m Samurai X, Lloyd.”

“Oh.” Vaguely, a part of his mind told him he should be more surprised by that piece of information, but he was just tired. His mind was already on overdrive, he couldn’t afford to take in anything else.

“Lloyd.” Pixal’s voice was scared, and he realized he was trembling in her grip. “Please, what has happened to you?”

“It’s- it’s…” Lloyd gasped for breath. “My dad, he- the biker, he was- he had-” and those words alone were too much. Everything was breaking, splintering apart right in front of his eyes, and he clutched onto Pixal like she was his lifeline- in a way, she was. She felt different from Kai’s warm, soft touch- harder and cooler- but sturdier and stronger, too. And right now, Lloyd could use a bit of strength.

But most of all, she was here.

“Why did you tell me?” He managed to get out. “Out of everyone, you told me first? Not Zane?”

Pixal was silent for a moment. “I know what it’s like. I mean, not exactly- I can’t feel what you are feeling right now. But… feeling emotions has been hard. Draining. You, out of all people, seem to know that. But you’re still so strong through everything. I just… you helped me to see how to heal. How to get better.” She paused, looking down at her hands. “But I guess it doesn’t always work out that way. I figured it was about time I helped you back.”

He leaned his head into her lap, examining her long, silver fingers, brushing them gently. “I like you like this. You’re pretty.”

He wasn’t looking at her face, but he could almost feel her smile. “Thank you. I worked hard to make this. I wanted to make sure… that I was better, this time. I still have some modifications to make, but…”

Lloyd winced, feeling a pang of guilt. “I’m sorry I made you show me before you were ready.”

“Lloyd,” she said firmly. “This was my choice. Not yours.” She took one hand and turned his chin so their gazes met, green on green. “I trust you. I always have.”

Lloyd felt his lip tremble. “I-”

Pixal stopped him. “It’s okay, Lloyd. You don’t have to say it. I know.”

Lloyd curled into her side and wept.