#i had to do one research for this fic lamao

[randomoranges]

this is an old idea from last year. i always meant to write it but then there was always some Right Now fic that needed to be written. sometimes, i feel like i need to write things in real time even though that’s a really bizarre thought to have.

finally sat down and wrote the thing. so here we go; in case anyone [lol] wondered what the heckaroonie ét was doing and why he can just magically take time off to not work lol

Absence

January 2nd 2022

 It’s a blessed quiet Sunday after a nondescript New Year’s. Sure, there weren’t any restrictions here in Edmonton – or at least, a lot less than back home, but Edward had kept things on the down low regardless. New Year’s Eve had been quiet as well, what with the cancelled fireworks, but they had gone out for a stroll after dinner and had celebrated the New Year outside in Edward’s backyard. Calvin had made special cocktails and Étienne had found a stream of live fireworks from some other location to watch. Yesterday had been much of the same, but still nice. Calvin had made a roast, Edith had stopped by, and they’d all had an earlier supper together.

 Today is for recovering and taking it easy. And so, Edward has spent the better part of the last hour lounging on his couch, reading a book, while Étienne wormed his way nearby, using his chest as a makeshift pillow, while he perused his phone. It’s quiet and easy and somewhere along the way, Edward’s hand finds Étienne’s hair and starts playing with it.

 He’s convinced Étienne has fallen asleep, but when he puts his book down, Étienne is still awake, seemingly lost in thought, his phone out of sight.

 “Hey, what time d’you have class at tomorrow?” Edward’s unsure whether or not school starts again so soon after New Year’s and he can’t remember if there’d been a change in Étienne’s schedule either, but he asks out of curiosity.

 “I don’t,” He answers simply.

 “Kay, what time d’you start on the day after?” It’s not that he wants to pry – Edward simply wants to know what his boyfriend’s schedule is in order to plan his day accordingly. He’ll be off to work in the morning and he’d hate to wake up Étienne for nothing if he doesn’t need to get ready for his own day.

 “I don’t either.”

 Edward bites his tongue from saying something scathing. Étienne is being vague with his answers and he has a funny feeling that he’ll make no progress at this rate.

 “Pray do tell, when do you go back to work and at what time will you be starting on that day,” He finally says. If he sounds a little short, he isn’t about to apologise for it. Étienne has a way of pushing his buttons at times.

 Étienne is quiet for a moment and Edward wonders why his boyfriend is being so cagey about it. Finally, he shifts and Edward watches him tap away at his phone for a moment, before he hands it to him.

 Intrigued, Edward takes the device and looks at it. It’s a photo of a note, it seems, and upon a second reading, Edward notices the logo of a hospital with the name of a doctor underneath. The note in itself is semi-illegible, but he does pick up on the words “congé” and “médical”.

 “Étienne?” He asks, eyes still on his boyfriend’s phone, “What is this?” He tries, really he does, to keep the mounting edge of worry out of his voice, but Étienne must pick up on it, for he sighs and shifts about, so that his head is turned towards him, even though Edward still can’t see his face.

 “It’s a medical note. I’m on sick leave. I’m not going back to work.” Étienne tells him quietly.

 Edward stills at the news and takes a moment to reel in his surprise and shock. There are so many questions he wants to ask and so many comments he wants to make, but he knows that this is a delicate situation and he does not want to make it worse by souring Étienne’s mood over an insensitivity even if he does really mean well.

 “How come? Is everything okay?” Edward’s aware of Étienne’s mental hurdles and knows that the past year and a half have been really hard on him. However, Étienne had spent most of that year and a half living with him and he can’t recall a defining moment that could have set him back to the point of getting a medical note from his doctor. Had he missed something? Did something more sinister happen?

 Étienne shrugs and fiddles with the sleeves of his sweater, twirling them around his thumbs. “Same old, really. Nothing new. I’m fine. I’m just – tired. Of everything.” He stops there and Edward waits for him to go on. He still has so many questions and this answer has barely clarified anything. “The pandemic set me back. I tried to trudge through, really, but it was hard. My motivation was shot. Is still shot. It feels like someone’s turned off the lights and everything is just – grey. All the time or – most of the time.”

 Étienne speaks quietly, as if confessing to some great sin, and he keeps avoiding Edward’s gaze. He admits to his crimes to the coffee table and Edward remains still, afraid to move and miss some part of the tale. “Teaching online was terrible. And I tried. I really did. And I don’t know if it’s the new batch of students or if it’s me, but I got tired of it and I wasn’t enjoying myself. I always try to make my classes interesting, but even when we went back in person this past term – I wasn’t there mentally. Getting up in the morning was hard and I didn’t want to be there. So I saw the doctor, got my paper, and survived the semester. Now I’m done.”

 “Why didn’t you tell me…” He hates that Étienne had kept quiet on the matter for so long, but he hates it even more that his boyfriend had seemingly suffered in silence and hadn’t felt comfortable sharing the news with him.

 Again, Étienne is quiet and he picks at a piece of lint off the sofa. “I don’t know. I didn’t want to bother you with the news.”

 “Who said you’re a bother?” Edward asks, semi-indignant. The mere idea that Étienne would even think that he’d find him bothersome over something serious like this leaves him speechless. “You’re not a bother. For the record, you do not bother me. Not with these types of things.” He adds for emphasis, in case Étienne would get that idea.

 He sighs and shifts them both so that Étienne is at level with him and so that he can finally look at Étienne and attempt to read the change of emotions on his face. “I wish you would have told me about this, Bouclé.” He murmurs, placing a soft kiss to his forehead. “I would’ve done what I could to help…”

 Étienne squirms and would have preferred if he didn’t have to be subjected to Edward’s worried gaze. He hates it with a burning passion, especially when it’s directed at him. He doesn’t want to worry Edward and he always feels bad when he does. “I didn’t know how to tell you,” He admits. It always felt weird to throw in casually in the middle of a conversation. Plus, there was always the part that talking to Edward did improve his mood a bit and so, he didn’t want to be a downer by bringing it up. On top of that, if Edward was in a good mood or telling him about something nice that had happened, he didn’t want to steer the conversation back to something depressing.

 “Didn’t want to burden you with my shitty mood or take up your time if you were busy with something.”

 “Étienne; that’s not how this works.” Edward admonishes lightly. Even if I was busy, we could have talked about this at another time. I would have made time for you – for this. I always make time for you. You’re important to me!”

 This is why he’d kept quiet. Edward is being concerned and slightly hurt – or something and he can’t deal with the disappointment or the emotion hiding behind Edward’s words. Étienne wishes he could be anywhere else at the moment, even if Edward’s arms are warm. He wants to lock himself up in the guestroom until he gets his stupid emotions in check and then brush this conversation off. Pretend it never happened. Move on. Move past.

 Instead, he looks at Edward and he feels whatever resolve is still in him break a little more. “I don’t want you to think that I’m broken. Or an incompetent. Or weak. Or that – I’m someone you always need to look out for because I can’t take care of myself.” He admits in a whisper; a big, dark secret he’s kept to himself for so long finally out there.

 It’s easier to stay quiet about these things. Easier this way in order not to disappoint those who have expectations of him. Easier to pretend, really. He’s supposed to be fine anyways. He’s been worse, if anything. This is just a setback.

 “Sweetheart, I’d never think those things of you, ever. At least, not in the way you mean them.” He holds on to Étienne a little tighter, willing him to understand what it is he’s telling him. “And even if you didn’t have your own mental health challenges, I’d still worry about you, because I worry about the people I care about.”

 Étienne looks up to him, incredulous look etched upon his face.

 “I worry for those I care about even when they’re okay. It might be a different type of worry, but I want them to remain all right, so I check up on them – to make sure they’re okay. And I do that with you, not because I think you can’t manage on your own, but because it’s my way of showing I care.” He’s not sure if he’s making any sense and he’d hate to sound patronising.

 He’s very well aware that there was a long period of time during which Étienne had not been able to take care of himself and he’d hate for Étienne to think that he still sees him as that person who’d needed so much help at the time. He knows that Étienne’s done a lot of progress over the years, even if it isn’t always easy, and he’d hate to make him think he’s diminishing his efforts and progress.

 He must have said something right, for Étienne’s face scrunches up into a wet half smile, before his boyfriend furrows his face in his chest. Edward holds him close and caresses his back. The last thing he wants is for Étienne to feel alone at a time like this.

 It takes him a moment, but eventually, Étienne resurfaces and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and part of the sleeve of his sweater. He sniffles and mumbles out an apology, before he resettles himself. For a long while, they go back to the way they were before; Edward plays with his hair and Étienne gets lost in Edward’s rhythmic breathing.

 “What are you going to do now?” Edward eventually asks, breaking the spell that had been upon them. He has work obligations and for as much as he’d love to spend his days with Étienne, he also knows that he can’t drop everything either.

 “Don’t worry; I’ll keep busy and I’ll help around the house. It’s the least I can do.” He starts off as if afraid Edward’s going to accuse him of taking advantage of his generosity. “I might attempt to restructure my classes, but I’m not sure. I feel like I’m done with teaching for a while. I want to do something different – maybe. We’ll see. It’s like – I’m bored of it. It doesn’t inspire or motivate me like before and it just saps everything out of me…” He trails off with his thought, seemingly lost in his own head again and Edward tries hard not to make any comparisons with their relationship, but he does wonder. Will there ever come a time when Étienne will get bored of him? He shakes his head; now is not the time to ponder such things.

 “Just – don’t push me away, please?” He asks. He doesn’t care what Étienne will or won’t do, so long as he gets to be part of it, he realises. He wants to be there for him and support him whichever way he can. Even if it means being woken at an ungodly hour of the night to hear Étienne’s latest plan. It wouldn’t be the first time.

 Étienne offers him a small smile and this time, at least, it looks a little bit more sincere, even if it is too many shades apologetic. “It’s not that I want to push you away, honest. And I’ll try real hard to keep you informed, but I can’t guarantee that I won’t accidentally re-convince myself that you’ll only end up seeing me as bothersome and not worth your while…”

 “Then, in that case, I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t feel that way.” As if to prove his point, he pulls Étienne close, wrapping him in his arms, and Étienne makes himself small in his embrace.

 FIN