#i guess it’s what they’d call being hysterical

[reaperseal-archive]

okay i feel better now i ate some crackers and watched the songbirds hopping around my front yard

[tiredfox64]

Bi-han x confessing to a person who's been making ice puns at him since day 1 (+ him asking his brothers for guidance on doing so). He's so embarrassed to be in love with anyone and even more embarrassed that it's THEM, the lame pun guy/girl. Tomas and Kuai are literally howling with laughter at this whole situation. Their emotionally constipated brother and the person that thinks “underwhere/underwear” wordplay jokes are clever. The added dimension of hilarity added to Bi-han openly cringing at their jokes by the fact that Bihan wants to marry this person sends his brothers into borderline hysterics laughing everytime. Everytime they greet him with “*ICE* to see you again! :D ” it pushes bihans eventual confession back 2 days.

Love at Frost Sight

Yip notes: Yeah but this is the man who said "Freeze where you stand" before throwing ice. He has the tiniest funny bone in his body.

Pairing: Bi-Han x Gn reader

Warnings‼️: Bad puns, not proofread I’m tired (fixed it a little cause I can’t sleep)

You made an impression the first day you joined the Lin Kuei. You were a skilled fighter who had the potential to be greater, even Bi-Han could see that. He needs people like you. Naturally skilled with a boost to perfection. You acted like the perfect candidate…

Until he allowed you in.

It was like shaking a poor sinner’s hand. Bi-Han had no clue what was about to hit him. Your true nature was exposed the moment he gave you your uniform as a sign that you were part of the clan.

“ICY that you like me.” You joked.

His eyes immediately widened in confusion, “…what?”

“Nothing. I’ll start getting ready. I’ll see you later.” You walked off quickly to put your uniform on and start your new beginning.

Poor Bi-Han, he sure will have a hail of a time.

══💤══╡°˖✧🦊✧˖°╞══💤══

Bi-Han learned quickly that you were quite the jester. You made every serious situation into a comedy skit.

You know how hard it is for the others to keep a straight face when they are being lectured and you decide to tell Bi-Han to “chill out”. The once quiet room that echoed your grandmaster’s voice was now disturbed by sharp exhales and snorts. It didn’t help that he’d go silent and everyone would try to figure out if he was mad or you actually made him shut the fuck up. The answer was there were so many thoughts running through his mind that if he tried to speak he would stutter.

You always have an ice joke ready for him. In every situation, you’ve managed to put anything ice into your sentence. If it’s not ice it’s cool, icy, or hail. How do you fit all those jokes into your head while focusing on your training? It’s almost mystical.

So why, WHY he screams. Why does he have feelings towards you? You’re so lame but he wants you. Heavens help him, he’s fallen in love with a loser.

The worst part is that his brothers are starting to catch on. They can see that Bi-Han is different now. He’s frustrated with his emotions. They’d hear him grumble to himself even when things were going well. He’d whisper under his breath about something being so idiotic and foolish. Not to mention he was daydreaming more. Blank stares, fist clenching, slow blinks, and cringing. Yes, cringing. He’d take a deep breath, give a little ‘eh’, and walk off. It’s clearly not serious if he’s acting like that.

Kuai Liang and Tomas discussed how they were gonna approach the situation. Clearly, Bi-Han doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. He never does. But this is different. He is reacting to something he has never felt before. That’s why he’s acting out.

Out of all the emotions they ran through they would have never guessed it was love. Bi-Han is supposed to be too cold for love. So when Bi-Han came to them in a tense mood they were shocked by his question.

“Kuai Liang, I know you have experience with…infatuation of a person.”

“I have never-“

“Do not play dumb we all know you like Harumi ever since you were a child.”

Kuai Liang put his head down slightly after being called out like that. Tomas was already thinking a million things. He caught onto what Bi-Han was going to ask. He slammed his hands down and blurted out a question.

“Who is it?!”

Bi-Han glared at his adopted brother for asking the obvious. He wanted to deny that he was interested in anyone, let alone you. But he came to them for a reason. He has no idea how to portray his feelings. He’s been stuck being this uptight, serious, cold-hearted person for a long time. You introduce a warm and tingly feeling and he doesn’t melt, he crumples like an iceberg. So if he wants a genuine he has to be honest and tell them who it is.

“The person is the one who gives me the most headaches.” He said quietly.

The reaction he got did not ease his awkwardness and embarrassment. Kuai Liang and Tomas were looking at him like he had grown a tail. Their eyes shifted as they tried to calculate the right words to say.

“Interesting…” Kuai Liang said in the most enthusiastic voice he could produce.

“Wow, I mean you two sure would make a lovely-“Tomas stopped himself when he snorted and had to cover his mouth.

Bi-Han immediately turned his back on his brothers and tried to walk out. Kuai Liang jumped out of his seat to catch his brother and let him know there was no shame in falling in love.

“Please, brother, we do not mean to offend you. We are simply surprised that it’s them.”

“Please, please, it’s fine.” Tomas was responding in a higher pitch as he tried his hardest to contain himself.

Kuai Liang was staring down Tomas and was mouthing to him to stop already. This is a moment in history, Bi-Han is in love! He’s in love with a person they would never expect. Tomas immediately contained himself and suppressed any giddiness he was feeling.

“Bi-Han, there is nothing wrong with your feelings. It would help if you sit down with us and tell us why you might like them.” Kuai Liang advised him.

“That is the problem. I have no reason to like them when they tell those horrible jokes.” Bi-Han’s anger was boiling up just thinking about his silly crush.

“Maybe you haven’t thought about it enough. You should take time to think about it and not be confused all the time.” Tomas genuinely wanted to help his brother figure this out. He even pulled out a chair for Bi-Han to sit in.

This feels more like an intervention than what Bi-Han originally came here for. He might as well put in the effort to figure it out. He hates leaving this a mystery even when it comes to emotions. Fine, he’ll bite, but they can’t laugh.

Tomas, hold it together for your own sake.

══💤══╡°˖✧🦊✧˖°╞══💤══

It may have taken 3 hours but they got a coherent answer from Bi-Han. His reasons are, well, reasonable.

As mentioned before you are a skilled fighter who has a lot of potential. You are graceful in your movements both in kombat and in general.

It’s not all jokes and lollygagging with you. You can sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone. You could take things serious, you choose not to unless it’s life or death. Even when you get a little silly it’s cute. The joy on your face when you make people laugh or smile can melt your grandmaster’s frozen heart. Not fully, don’t toot your horn.

It’s the jokes that kill him. The puns, fucking hail, they are so corny and cheesy. They are always directed towards him. A pile of ice puns just waiting to be thrown at him. That’s why he’s so embarrassed that it’s you. You have great qualities but puns are not your forte in his mind.

According to his brothers he shouldn’t change that about you. It’s your charm. It’s also the reason he noticed you more. So could he really say it’s a bad quality when it brought him closer to you?

“So you do want them to be your partner?” Tomas reiterated.

“Yes, yes, for the thousandth time. Are you imbeciles going to help me or not?”

“We will help. The real question is if you can confess. It seems like their jokes knock you off balance.” Kuai Liang had this smug tone to his voice because he knows what he speaks in the truth.

That struck a nerve. Bi-Han feels like he’s being called a chicken. If Kuai Liang were not his younger brother he’d be dead by dinner time.

Bi-Han’s hands clenched into fist that slowly turned to ice. He has to keep his calm to prove he can confess to someone like a normal human being.

“Tell me, tell me how to confess someone. I will do it today.”

“It is simple, brother. Just tell them what we discussed. Tell them about the qualities that you like about them and ask them to be your partner. It should not be hard for you.” Because who in their right mind would deny their grandmaster. That’s a death wish.

With that answer Bi-Han was already out the door, trying to find you. Ten seconds later he returned.

“I will do it tomorrow.” He said as he gritted his teeth.

Tomas’ jaw dropped as Kuai Liang rolled his eyes.

“Why did you change your mind?” He sounded so exhausted.

Bi-Han didn’t have to say anything. He just flung the door open and there you were with a shit-eating grin. You looked so giddy as you bit your bottom lip and looked up at Bi-Han. Anyone could see the sparkle in your eyes.

Bi-Han signaled for you to repeat what you just said to him. He needs his brothers to hear the shit he deals with every day.

“I was just saying how it was ICE to see him again!” Look at that proud smile on your face.

Tomas immediately let out a laugh before covering his mouth. He did not mean for it to be that loud but his mouth was already open. It was a chain reaction because Kuai Liang struggled to keep a straight face. He lowered his head and used his hands as a visor to prevent anyone from seeing his lips twitch. His heavy breathing gave away the fact that he was close to laughing. Bi-Han…he’s not entertaining. He was pinching the bridge of his nose and grimaced as the pun replayed in his head over and over again. It’s nothing new but it makes him react the same way every day you tell it to him.

“Aw, don’t be so COLD with me, grandmaster.”

Kuai Liang smacked the table as a plead for mercy. Don’t make another joke he might combust. Tomas could only produce a wheeze in his effort to stop a laugh. The best part, they were imagining the same things which didn’t help their laughter.

Picture this:

It’s you and Bi-Han’s wedding. It’s a beautiful winter wedding and you are ready to marry the man of your dream who was once your grandmaster. You both stand before the Lin Kuei and the ceremony goes on. You are both asked if you take each other’s hand in marriage. What is your response.

“Uh duh, I’m head over HAILS for him.”

The mind can create such funny things even from men who are assassins.

Yeah, no, Bi-Han can’t do this today. He grabbed your shoulders and turned you the other way. He ignored how you were raising your eyebrows continuously as a weird way of asking if he gets it. He pushed your back lightly and that was your sign to walk away. He does that often you know what he means. He closed the door and looked back at his brothers who looked like they were hanging on for dear life.

“As I said, tomorrow.” He emphasized.

They nodded their heads as they understood their brother’s reason. Tomorrow…yeah right.

══💤══╡°˖✧🦊✧˖°╞══💤══

Tomorrow came and passed. Then another passed. Then another. Another. Ah, he didn’t confess. But Kuai Liang and Tomas were sure having a hoot.

Their poor brother, why must you throw a pun at him just because he is a cyromancer?! He just wants to admit that he is in love with your lame ass. Every day when he gets the motivation to confess to you, you make another joke. He has a moment of clarity and walks away. In the morning that man is in need of you.

Do you realize the effect you have on that man? He can’t live without you or your pun. There was one day where you didn’t feel too well. You had a major headache that prevented you from thinking straight. When you saw Bi-Han and didn’t say anything he wanted to clutch his nonexistent pearls. He actually ask you if you were dying. You reassured him that it was just a headache and you’d be fine soon. Yeah, he knew you were fine when you told him “Boy, that sure was a HAIL of a headache.”

You’re gonna give me a headache. Please, have mercy.

Maybe today will be different. He’ll tire you out and catch you off guard to prevent you from saying anything. It doesn’t matter at this point he just needs to get this off his chest without walking out of the room. He went around, looking for you to bring you somewhere more private. You were just coming around the corner when you saw Bi-Han. Gosh, you were like a devious fly the way you rubbed your hands in preparation for your pun.

“Hello grandmaster! It’s ic-“

“No.” He replied bluntly as he covered your mouth.

You were actually shocked since this was the first time he’s tried to stop you. It was successful, all he needed to do was cover your mouth. He was quick to redirect you to one of the training rooms. Yes, his genius plan is to tire you out by fighting. Can’t speak when you’re too busy trying not to get your ass beat.

To his dismay his brothers were in the room. He wanted to tell them to leave but any sentence he constructs will give fuel to the pun flame. He grumbled before pushing you in.

“Today, I want us to spar. I need to see how you’ve improved.” He removed his hand from your mouth and distance himself from you.

He went into his usual fighting stance and was hoping on a star that you would follow along. His brothers were watching you both. They were watching like hawks. For once, you didn’t say anything. You got into your fighting stance, making sure you were properly balanced. But…

“Before we start I just have to say…”

Oh, oh no

“That you’re gonna need to take it ICE and easy. I fell yesterday and it hurt like HAIL. The way ICY it, it would be unfair to fight me at full force when I’m injured.”

…

…

…

“You ready for some more COOL puns?”

That’s a new face Bi-Han was making. He was wincing as if your puns physically hurt him. It hurt his soul. His eyes narrowed. His arms dropped. Today’s not the day. Tomorrow won’t be the day. This week won’t be the week. He needs to recover from all of that.

“Why do I like you?” He questioned out loud.

That was the breaking point for Kuai Liang and Tomas. They haven’t laughed like that since they were children. Tomas was on his hands and knees, dying of laughter. He sounded like a hyena. Kuai Liang was clutching his stomach. His body is not used to laugher so it’s a mixture of joy and pain. He was going in between laughter and coughing. He really wanted to support his brother, he did, but Bi-Han’s reaction was too good.

The tips of Bi-Han’s ears started to burn and turn a shade of pink. That color traveled to his cheeks. This was too embarrassing, especially because he knew you heard what he said. He had to walk away from this failure.

What did you do? Well you clearly joked around since you thought that would make him feel better.

“Wait FREEZE don’t go! Did you mean that?! We can make it work! I’ll fight tooth and HAIL to make this work between us! ICY that you like me a lot! It’s as clear as ice.”

“THAT IS ENOUGH FOR TODAY!”

Bi-Han’s words bounced off the hallway walls before he walked to his bedroom and slammed the door. All the clan members looked around to see what all that ruckus was about. All they found was you with a dopey smile on your face, Tomas cackling, and Kuai Liang coughing up a storm.

Well, I hope you are happy. You just drove your future husband crazy. I don’t know why he’s so mad. He should let loose and enjoy the ICE of life.

Yap notes: Sorry if the second half is a little messy, I don’t have my laptop with me. So I went swimming for a bit that was nice. I went into the 10 feet end like a dumbass but it was nice. Now I must rest and forget about my life. Adiós!

[querenciasturniolo]

missing you ⮕ c.s.

word count: 822

warnings: swearing

summary: chris is back in boston from chicago, and you decide that you were sick of missing him

a/n: i’m just in the mood to write for chris, lately. also a two word title ? crazy concept.

everything written is completely fictional. the people i write for are written with characteristics and mannerisms that i made for them, this is in no way depicting what would actually happen in real life.

“Just come over.”

You rolled your eyes and rolled over in your bed. Chris’ request sounded almost impossible as you pulled your comforter over your shoulders.

“I’m exhausted, I wouldn’t dare getting out of my bed.” You whined, Chris chuckling and shaking his head. He’d facetimed you only moments before, aimlessly walking around and making way too much noise.

“I’m surprised Mary-Lou hasn’t told you to quiet down.” You teased, Chris pulling a face and looking down at you on his screen.

“She’s at the store, so I’m free to be as loud as I want.” He said. You snickered and finally pushed yourself up.

“No, you aren’t. Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to take a nap in here.” Nick’s voice rang through your speaker, Chris whipping around with wide eyes just as you heard Nick’s bedroom door slam shut.

“We just picked him up from the airport—needless to say, he didn’t appreciate us messing up his room and not cleaning it.” Chris said, his voice significantly quieter than before. He wasn’t looking at the camera anymore, but you didn’t care.

Facetiming Chris was either him rambling about something he thought of for a solid three hours, or it was just sitting in silence as he went about his daily routine. You didn’t mind, you knew it was just because he wanted your company, even if you weren’t there.

“How are you?” You asked. It’d been a while since you’d last seen him, considering they’d just gotten back to Boston from Chicago. He glanced down at the screen for a moment and shrugged, his eyes going back to whatever he was doing.

“Oh you know, the usual. Seeing Skies was fucking awesome, but it’s good to be home. Missing you.” He said. He paused, pulled a face and shook his head. “That was corny, ignore that.”

You laughed. “I’m telling everyone, I’m gonna completely ruin your street cred.” You teased, Chris mocking you playfully as it sank in that you really did miss him. Even talking to him had your heart constricting in yearning. It had been too long since you’d seen him.

“I’m gonna take a shower, I’ll call you back after, okay?” You said, Chris humming and nodding his head. “Alright, I love you.”

“I love you too.” He said before you finally hung up, jumped out of your bed and headed to your bathroom. You decided about halfway through your shower that you were going to see Chris.

You got dressed and ready before grabbing your keys and heading towards the door. You could feel your phone vibrating in your pocket, most likely being a text from Chris joking about how long your showers take.

The drive to their house was almost routine, each turn and stop being done on autopilot until you pulled into the driveway. You stepped out of your car and shut the door lightly, pulling your phone out and shooting a text to Matt to let you in.

Before you reached the door, it was swinging open and Matt was looking at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Why didn’t you text Chris?”

You shrugged and stepped into the house, turning to face Matt when he shut the door. “I told Chris I wasn’t coming over, and I realized I wanted to, so it’s kind of a surprise, I guess.” You said, Matt nodding and following you up the stairs.

“He’s in his room, I think.” He said. You followed him and went up the stairs after him, walking past him to get to Chris’ room. The door was open, Chris laying on his bed with his back facing the door. You smiled and tiptoed across his room, reaching his bed and deciding at the last second to jump. You hit the mattress, Chris shouting and whipping around to see you curled in on yourself laughing hysterically.

“Jesus Christ, Y/n! You gave me a fucking heart attack.” He said, his own laughter consuming him as he turned to face you. Tears were rolling down your cheeks, your stomach aching as you tried your best to calm yourself.

“You should have seen your face!” You squeaked, your hands wiping your cheeks roughly as Chris rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around you.

“Well, yeah. I thought I was under attack, or something.” He said, his smile wide. He pulled you close, your laughter finally subsiding as you relaxed into him, your cheeks sore from how hard you were laughing.

“So what changed your mind?” He asked. You hummed and closed your eyes.

“I just figured I could lay in your bed with you instead of in mine alone. Also, missing you was getting old.” You teased, Chris rolling his eyes and pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m never gonna live that down, huh?” He said. You smiled and turned your head, leaning up to press a chaste kiss to his lips.

“Never.”

[thelaughtercafe]

Soul Eater Ler Headcanons

Tea Type: Brown Sugar Boba

Potential Triggers: N/A

Pairing: Soul/F! Reader, Death the Kid/F! Reader, Black Star/F! Reader, Maka/F! Reader. Tsubaki/F! Reader, Liz/F! Reader, Patty/F! Reader, Stein/F! Reader

Length: 1.5k+

Summary: N/A

Soul Eater Evans:

Soul is very casual most of the time and I feel like tickling someone to pieces wouldn’t be any different. 

Like Maka, takes it in complete stride which his Lee likely wouldn’t expect if they’d hidden it from him out of fear for any length of time. 

He finds this hysterical and incredibly endearing at the same time, leading to him laughing at you good-naturedly. 

“Damn, you went that long without something you wanted out of some misguided sense of feeling weird? You could’ve just told me, ya know. I tickle Blackstar and Maka all the time, Hell you’ve seen me do it. You had to know I wouldn’t mind.”

When you fumbled to explain it was different he sighed and rubbed his head. 

“Man, you’re hopeless. Least now I know why you ran away all those times. Must’ve been really embarrassing for you, huh?”

He grinned, wiggling his fingers at you eagerly as he cornered you.  

“Welp, guess all we can do is make up for lost time huh? C'mere so I can help you experience what you’ve wanted so bad first hand!”

He’s not a chaser, prefers for you and him to be more stationary. 

Admittedly gets a kick at seeing you try to hold your arms up or not struggle too much, even though a cool guy like him could totally overpower you.  

Reassures you in his own way too, bringing it up casually after wrecking you after you both had a stressful test that day. 

“Y'know, the others won’t mind tickling you either. Even on the fraction of a chance they’re not willing to- they wouldn’t make fun of you for it. Even if they did, they’d have me to deal with!”

He flashed a shark-toothed grin your way. 

“You like being tickled. So what? C'mon, say it. I know you can!”

Messes with you for a few days and sessions until you finally spit the words out. 

He doesn’t tickle you directly till you get it out- only giving a quick poke or huff of air along your neck or ears to make you jump, around the others that prick-until you crack. 

He’s kind’ve mean about it, honestly, but he does it to help you not hide who you are from the others. It’s all out of love in the end. 

Rubs it in your face so hard when he ends up right. Doesn’t let you live it down ever. 

Expect group tickle sessions for a while too just to be extra sure you got the message it’s not a big deal. 

Maka Albarn:

Maka is really intuned with everyone around her and that translates to when she Ler’s too. 

She senses the little things- the way someone leans into her touch when they like a spot. 

She’s kind too- not the type to call you out and tease you for it like Soul or Stein, and if she does it’s playful and she’ll immediately admit she liked it just as much as you.  

She loves to make others happy, and this is no exception. She views it as perfectly natural and normal and just about Maka-Chop’s you anytime you put yourself down. 

You learn to accept your little quirk with her and the rest of your friends help. 

Black Star:

God Blackstar is a rough one. 

Good luck, the second he finds out you’re ticklish I hope you like it because he’s gonna use it to mess with you constantly. 

Getting out of things, making you forgive him for small mistakes, you name it he’ll implement tickling somehow if it fits. 

And when Tsubaki finally spells it out for him that you like it? 

Even training isn’t safe then and he is merciless in that environment when he’s focused so trust- you both do and don’t wanna be caught by him. 

He’s loud when he teases so you have to be direct and tell him not in public, and remind him if it bothers you fairly often otherwise the whole damn school is gonna know. 

Speaking of teasing, KING of teases.

I’m blushing just thinking about it. 

“Wow, is this really all you can handle? I know it’s a tall order because you’re up against a big star like me, but I’ll have to help you build up your stamina and endurance.”

“You’re lucky there’s no Kishin who tickle their victims; otherwise you’d be a goner for sure! Luckily you have the great Blackstar to help you as a failsafe precaution! Aren’t you lucky?”

300% uses his Ninja skills to fuck with you.  

Sorry I don’t make the rules. 

You called his bluff when he was just starting out and assumed he was loud and obnoxious with no other mode and boy did that backfire on you horribly. 

After finding out you like being tickled, guess who now has a way to show you just how well he can sneak up on people whenever and wherever he wants?

Uses tickles as a reward/motivation too, to keep you training with him just that little bit longer than you usually would. 

Tsubaki:

Gosh she’s so flustering as a Ler without even trying. 

It’s because she’s so sincere and gentle. 

It makes her amusement and sweet teases all the more effective. 

“Aww you’re so precious like this! I’ve gotta do this more often!”

She’s one of the easiest Lers to go to, especially if you want relaxing tickles. 

She’s so gentle technique wise, really only using spidering and stroking but it still tickles like Hell. 

The only one who can reign Blackstar in with either tickling him or just talking sense.  

Death the Kid:

Kid is generally very put together and that translates to when he lers. 

Of course, he has to tickle symmetrically which means his poor Lee will have to put up with either both his hands or two tools at once. 

The only good thing is that means you know the sensations are predictable. 

Unless he has Liz and Patty help. Then? Then they’re really in trouble, because they’ll do the same, but as long as they keep the same technique? Kid’s fine letting them have variety from him. Predictability neutralized. 

Unintentionally so flustering, holy shit. 

Kid is naturally very logical and serious, and has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. That man’s smirk is lethal. 

Absolutely uses this to his advantage. After all, he has to make both of your cheeks the same pretty shade of red, and what better way to do that then make it cover your whole face~?

“Oh come now, surely it can’t tickle that badly? You’re flattering me.”

Can’t stop at an uneven time- works together with his Lee to get to 88 minutes for perfect symmetry. 

He’ll stop before that if needed of course, but it’s typically best when the numbers match. 

Patty:

Brings out of her Lee’s childish natures with her own. 

Tends to giggle happily along with her Lee and is one of the Lers most often to start tickle fights and the like. 

Adores how much fun it is to make her friends, family and s/o’s laugh omg. 

It’s why she does it so often. 

Most think she’s not smart but really, she’s quite aware. She just chooses to embrace her more childish side openly. 

Loves to tease her Lee’s and pouts when she has to stop or gets pulled away by Liz. 

“Aww but why? They’re so cute like this!!”

“Yes Patty but you kind of need them alive to tickle them more yeah? Let ‘em breathe, k?”

She salutes her sister all cute-like.

“K!!”

Switches spots often and has to get reminded by Kid to be more symmetrical if they’re Ler'ing someone together because she forgets a lot and it always makes her Lee jump in their grip. 

Liz:

Queen of self-care/self-comfort tickles, for both her Lee and herself. 

Compliments galore she’s so damn nice.

“Your laugh is so pretty, I swear. I’m so jealous!”

“Oh my God your nails are so cute!! You have to paint them for me later! Maybe if you agree to I’ll stop~”

Her teases are like that, mixed with her genuine compliments. 

The most merciful between her sister and Kid. 

Kid tends to get lost in the symmetry while tickling his Lee so if she’s helping or knows he’s gonna be Ler'ing someone she always reminds him to set an alarm so the poor Lee isn’t stuck there for 3 hours.

Definitely hasn’t happened more than once, nope. 

Not that the Lee was complaining-

Absolutely loves using her nails as a tickle tool. It’s her go-to method and she is good.

Stein:

Unsurprisingly, the scientist who loves to experiment, also does so when tickling. It’s just his nature. 

In addition to that he’s perceptive as Hell so good luck hiding your reactions. 

In all likelihood, he knows instinctively if a Lee enjoys it thanks to seeing their Soul and being able to sense their nature better than most. 

Let’s face it; Stein’s a complete sadist- and not only that- he’s very open about that fact. 

Which means if it gets to you that he’s like that he’ll absolutely call you out and mess with you with it, switching between his typically playful and analytical self and his more cruel side. 

Knows every tool out there, and relishes testing more unconventional ones too like back scratchers, combs and the like. 

That goes for enhancement methods too. Everything from oil, sensory deprivation, and bondage. Whatever he can think of, really. 

[wistfulrat]

・❥・lesbian wangxian reccs ・❥・

ao3topships poll gate made me realize there are hundreds nay thousands of u who dont know abt lesbian wangxian ?? that’s so sad can i proselytize u real quick

mimilamp cinematic universe (the ppl’s mcu) sorry for starting this list with a whole author catalog. as if it's my fault!! these gave me covid. no listen mimilamp fics have feverish lesbian angst levels of hot horny despair that could paralyze a large forest animal. and on a sentence level it's just stunning. messy dykes fumbling toward love confessions while making emotionally insane choices and the sex scenes fuckn bang ??? god is real

good, good - 13.5k E Wei Ying has two broken wrists and now she needs Lan Zhan to help her do stuff (jerk off)

here’s a story - 46k E Wei Ying reluctantly joins her recently-dumped best friend, Lan Zhan, on a couples' holiday retreat. Snow! Drinks! Truth or dare! There's a s-s-s-single bed! You'll never guess what happens next.

out of your system - 20k E “Maybe you should get me out of your system,” Wei Ying blurts. “Maybe that’ll help.” // Wei Ying finds out her best friend Lan Zhan is in love with her and offers a really super solution.

exposure therapy - 14k E Wei Ying clambered up from the floor, put the joint on the corner of the night stand, announced, “Exposure therapy,” and got into Lan Zhan’s bed. // Lan Zhan doesn't like to be touched, Wei Ying likes to touch.

know no one else - 20k E Lan Zhan moves out, Wei Ying's boyfriend moves in. Six months later, Lan Zhan visits, they go to a party, and Wei Ying has something to tell her.

74243 this author should be studied in a lab bc these 2 fics ruined my life. a pulitzer prize short fic with immaculate tone followed by the fuck nastiest shit you will ever read. "wei ying swipes right" still a top 3 bar of all time re: fic summaries. like people died.

chef’s kiss - 6.5k E Wei Ying said, “You know, in some ways I’m kind of depressed. I took your biggest dick on my first try. Now I don’t have anything to build up to.” “There are bigger ones available,” Lan Zhan said lazily. “I can pay for express shipping.” // (Lan Zhan works the late shift.)

pull out game weak - 22.7k E Wei Ying swipes right.

plonk this is the only fic in many ways. dyke nmj's mustache academy award winning breakout role. possessive hot dyke lwj. the sentence "don't knot her you freak." have u ever seen a group chat get rabies in real time. the slut rot breached containment. it was a public health crisis. it brought back horny cinema. cultural reset.

good friends - 11.5k E “I could invite her over for when the game’s done,” Nie Mingjue offers. Lan Zhan hums, considering it. They do that sometimes. Take omegas down together.

occultings will i ever get tired of -wwx thinks she's straight and wants to practice being gay with sadsack lwj who is like sure im in love with u and this will cause me psychic damage but mayhaps that's the cost of being homiesexual--? no i dont get tired of the classics it's called taste

give me one good honest kiss - 25k E The text keeps flashing over and over in Lan Zhan's head like the bulb lights on a marquee. They’d been talking about homework directly before that, swapping notes on music theory in the baroque period. Then, like a fork of lightning out of a clear blue sky: wanna practice kissing? 😚 // Wei Ying suggests an arrangement. Lan Zhan, in love, deals.

saltyfeathers ok so like sure it's ill advised to get your cartilage pierced at claire's but if you wanted the experience of participating in deranged hysteric behavior that kinda bangs in a badgood way? well then.

the mall that has it all - 8k E She introduced herself in the food court, breathless after sprinting across it in Lan Zhan’s direction and vaulting over a table only to crash into the seat across from her, ask, “Can I have a sip?”, spring forward with both elbows on the table to wrap her burgundy lips around Lan Zhan’s smoothie straw, wrinkle her nose, and say, “What is that, kale? Not really my thing, as like, a mall goth. Oh!” A pleased, chaotic exhale. “My name’s Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan said, after taking a moment to fully process the last forty-five seconds, “What?” or; mall goth au

[moominsuki]

✎ᝰ SHINICHIRO SANO ; — in every single lifetime, it would always be you.

࿄ ! warnings — major spoilers for tokyo rev manga!! depression, angsty themes, but cute and sweet at the end. / note. i love shin so much.

before shinichiro was able to leap through time, his life being shit was merely a pathetic understatement. with his youngest brother practically unresponsive, the rest of his immediate family passing on and of course, the pushing away of his close friends, he was lonely. whatever words could be to describe an empty bitter loneliness could describe shinichiro sano.

shinichiro was moping around his bike shop as per usual when he wasn’t watching mikey; barely fixing the runes of his dusted old bikes when wakasa and you come in, arms looped in with each other. it was inevitable, you and wakasa being together even though shin had known you for longer. it was somewhat laughable - a cruel joke that shin sometimes thought and dream of having the chance to be with you, to hold you and to love you. but right now, he’s barely a shell of a human being and well, you’re you: gorgeous, kind, beautiful, funny: everything that he’s ever wanted. there’s no way you would’ve passed up the chance to date his friend, who was the exact antithesis of shinichiro. it’s why wakasa is so popular with the ladies and shin has had dates with himself, the four walls of his bedroom and his playboy magazines to pass the painful passage of time.

“hey, shin. just seeing how you’re holding up. you don’t look so good,” you say to him, through a pity-filled smile. shin feels like puking and kissing you at all once at the fact you care and think about him but wakasa slices through and shoves his friend in jest.

“you need to take care of yourself, shin. y/n was kind enough to make you something to eat since you’re basically starving yourself,” scolds wakasa, with y/n chastising wakasa for being ‘too harsh’ - all the while shin rolls his deep sunken eyes.

“yeah… yeah, thanks. thanks y/n, you didn’t have to do this,” replies shinichiro, taking the lunchbox and your fingers brush a little and shinichiro inhales a little at the touch.

“well, we’re gonna head off. got a date downtown. i’ll be back to check on ya, though, so don’t kill yourself in the process,” yells wakasa as he grabs y/n’s hand and exits and you turn to say a hasty goodbye.

“bye, shin! see you later! take care of yourself!”

ding.

just shin and his lonesome self. what he wouldn’t give to be able to live a normal life where mikey was fine, his family was okay and you were by his side. what if, huh?

ᝰᝰᝰᝰᝰ

the moment he realised that his family were okay was akin to a miracle to him. he almost collapsed at the sight of mikey running around the living room, like how a 9 year old should.

“shin? why are you crying?” asks mikey and shin couldn’t articulate himself if he tried.

“he’s been hysterical all day,” says their grandfather and they all sigh at their not so little and much older crybaby brother.

“yeah, well, you should clean yourself up. the gang are coming down to the shop today. they’d call you a pussy if they saw you like this,” says mikey plainly and emma slaps him across the head for being so crude.

shinichiro, after a powernap, wet tissues and soggy hugs, heads down to his bike shop. sanzu is there, along with wakasa and benkei and a few other kids. he hasn’t felt this happy - this lucky in a long time.

ding.

“oi, y/n, no girls allowed!” yells a young sanzu and y/n scrunches her face at him and brushes at the boy’s hair. shinichiro’s head shoots up at your name and you’re… still everything that he’s ever wanted just from looking at you in your cute little sundress. you’re just as gorgeous as he remembered. just as kind too. you’re even nice with the brutish kids who linger around his shop like a magnet.

“you’re so cute when you try to be all scary, sanzu. but, i guess you don’t want what i cooked for you,” you sigh, all fake-sad and sanzu and draken jump up at the prospect of food.

“you shouldn’t spoil them so much, y/n. you’re making them soft like shin does,” wakasa points out in a disappointed tone but he jumps to fight the kids for the plate of food. shin comes over to the group standing by the front desk of his shop and you jokingly punch wakasa and to shin, it’s a little strange. why aren’t you all over him? aren’t you both dating?

“and that’s why they like shin more than you. me included,” you wink and you make eye contact with shinichiro as you say this and a striking grin takes over your face. shin doesn’t think he’s seen you so bright and excited to see anyone… to see him?

“you’re not gonna say hello to me?” you pout, skipping over to a dungaree-clad shinichiro and shinichiro rubs his sweaty greasy hands on the denim sitting on his legs.

“hey, y/n.” he says tentatively, like he’s trying to test the waters but this just causes your pout to deepen and shin has the urge to kiss it right off your face.

“what’s up with you today?” you ask curiously, jumping over to circle your arms around shin’s neck and mikey pipes up, with his face stuffed with food:

“he’s been acting like a weirdo and crying all day. but at least he’s not kissing all over your face like he always does in front of us. yuck,” shudders his younger brother and shinichiro’s eyes widen like saucers at his words. he’s already stiff at you touching him so casually but mikey confirms, in his own roundabout way, what the nature of your relationship with shin is-

“i would gladly kiss all over your face if you want, mikey, no need to be jealous of shinny,” you laugh, breaking shinichiro out of the ongoing battle in his mind and the young boys yell out in disgust and indignance but shin is still staring at you in disbelief. amongst all the noise, you look at him again and place a hand on his cheek and he leans subconsciously into your soft touch.

“you good, baby? you wanna go somewhere private?” you whisper to him and shin tests the waters by pulling you close by the waist.

“n-no, it’s just… you look beautiful today. have i told you that before?” shin asks and to you, he’s just being complimentary and silly but he’s genuinely asking - he wants to know how good he is to you. if he treats you like the princess you are.

“i think you’ve told me a few times,” you giggle and you pull his face down with both your hands to kiss his nose and he lets you kiss him all over his face till he emotionally can’t take it anymore, wrapping his arms around you and presses his lips deeply onto yours.

kissing you feels exactly like how he expected it - to you, this was one of many kisses you’ve had together but it was shinichiro’s first time kissing - not just anyone, but you. you taste of your pear and apple chapstick and you smell exactly how you did the last night he saw you.

tears run down his face before he can stop them and you pull back when you feel streams of salty tears hit your cheeks and you softly tap your own face then his before looking at your boyfriend all quizzical and somewhat accusatory.

“shinny? what’s with you today? is there something i should know? did you cheat on me?” you spitfire at him in a mix of shock and worry and shinichiro shakes his head fiercely.

“fuck, no, of course not, would never - it’s just-just that ‘m so lucky to have you. don’ deserve you,” he grunts, sniffling a little and you smile but raise a brow.

“where’s all this coming from? are you sure you didn’t do anything?”

“would kill myself if i did,” and you laugh at the earnest honesty in his words and he pulls you in, kissing all over you face - holding you so tight he’s afraid this might be a dream.

“he’s crying again,” laughs inupi and the young boys look at the couple with comical disgust.

“keep that shit away from us when we’re trying to eat,” grumbles wakasa and you stick your tongue at them and turn to face shinichiro again and you bonk his head slightly with your own.

“you sure you’re okay?” you make sure to ask at least one more time, knowing how dramatic your boyfriend could be. if only you knew what was really going in his head. but you didn’t need to. not when he already has you now.

“promise. just - stay with me… today? please?” shinichiro pleads. stay with me forever. you pretend to contemplate, tapping a finger on your chin before nodding and looking at him with so much love he can’t believe it’s reserved for only him.

“can never say no to you,” you kiss into the corner of his mouth and shinichiro takes you by the hand to where he was working originally before you gracefully torpedoed into his new found life.

as you plop yourself into his lap and point out the motor he was working, smiling proudly at your boyfriend, shinichiro knew that if there was another world, another existence, another lifetime; that he would still find his way back to you every time.

࿄ ! — all rights reserved © moominsuki. please do not copy, translate, repost nor recommend my work outside of tumblr. this is strictly prohibited.

[treason-and-plot]

‘Downstairs’ is what a real estate agent would describe as a ‘teenage retreat’ with a comfortable leather couch and beanbags, several gaming consoles, a state of the art foosball table, and a huge TV screen. As Connor promised, there is also a fridge containing a bottle of vodka. He pours them each a glass and adds a generous amount of ice cubes. He sits down on the couch and sips his vodka while Saffron continues to look around.

“Are you going to sit down?” he asks her. She sits down and takes a couple of prim little sips from her glass.

“Shall I start?” he says.

She shrugs.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“What is something you’re glad your parents don’t know about you?”

That I’ve been having sex with a married teacher for the past nine months?

“Hmmmm,” she says. “Probably that I used to regularly take money from their wallets to buy cigarettes. And drugs.”

“Drugs?” he says.

“Party drugs. You know, like white llamas and stuff. I used to spend nearly every weekend clubbing with Syb a couple of years ago. Before…” Before she met Josh and he replaced me as the most important person in her life. “...before I realised I had to get serious about studying if I wanted to get into Law School.”

“Syb? She’s your step-sister, right?” he says. “I remember you two used to be inseparable.”

“I guess,” says Saffron, taking another swig of vodka. “Okay, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” says Connor.

“What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” Saffron asks him. After a few moments spent squinting into his glass he finally answers.

“I faked being sick to get attention from my parents,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“I was about eleven or twelve, and I was just feeling sad and lonely because they’d left me again with some random babysitter to go to some fundraiser or something, and I faked being sick so they had to come home. I was pretending I had excruciating stomach pains except I faked it a bit too well and the babysitter called an ambulance. I remember crying for real because I was so scared of what I’d done. My mother turned up to the hospital absolutely hysterical. Dad was pretty shaken too. They were running tests on me for two days. Must've cost my parents an absolute fortune."

"Woah," says Saffron. "That's pretty wild. And they never found out you were faking?"

"Nope," says Connor. "Okay, my turn. Truth or dare?"

"Truth," says Saffron, taking another deep gulp from her vodka glass.

"Where did you meet the fuck buddy dude?" says Connor.

[nhasablogg]

The longing never bared aches to be revealed

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Characters: Derek/Spencer

Summary: Spencer tries to explain to Derek why he likes tickling.

A/N: Look at me resurrecting my ‘verse! I guess you can read this independently, but it does reference this fic and takes place in that universe. I hope you enjoy!

Words: 1.5k

(Read it on ao3)

Sometimes, when they’d both fallen quiet, or if they’d steered their conversation toward an especially vulnerable topic, Derek would notice Spencer’s reluctance to meet his eyes. It was cute to see him become so shy. Not discomfort or even awkwardness, but simply shyness, something Spencer rarely displayed before, well, everything. The case had forced out embarrassment, and while Derek enjoyed seeing the way his blush spread out across his face, it was different when he was just feeling shy as opposed to being embarrassed. Embarrassment came without consent. The case, the capture, the inevitable discussions about tickling and what it meant to him: that had embarrassed him.

But now? The pinkening of his cheeks and the avoidance of eye contact only spoke of timidness, and Derek was in love with it. The shyness that came because he allowed himself to be put in a vulnerable position and trusting Derek enough to not take advantage of it in the wrong way.

“Look at me.” He placed his fingertips on Spencer’s chin, tapping it gently to get him to look up. He knew it tickled him. He knew he would jerk away with a panicked giggle each time, and yet Spencer never asked him to stop doing it. Derek had briefly wondered if he avoided his gaze just for him to do it, but while the notion was incredibly endearing he had a feeling it wasn’t the only reason.

“I’m looking,” Spencer said now, having of course let out that laugh Derek had been waiting for.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You’re pretty.”

“Hmm.”

“Don’t believe me?”

“You say it a lot.”

“Because it’s always true.”

Spencer looked away again, eyes downcast, a smile finding his lips that made Derek’s heart skip a beat.

“Hey.” Another tap to his chin, relishing in how Spencer scrunched up his shoulders instinctively. “Don’t get shy on me now. Look at me.”

“Stop teasing me.”

“Oh, I would never.”

It was a Tuesday. They should be asleep, technically, but the hotel room was anything but soundproof and they could hear everything from cars outside to people walking down the hallway. It was the only reason Derek hadn’t tickled Spencer more properly, afraid to alert the whole world. Minnesota was cold this time of year, but the room was warm. Some might call it cozy. Spencer had called it crowded.

“I could ask for a separate room,” Derek had instantly offered, knowing how he was with space sometimes, but Spencer had grabbed him and refused to let him go until Derek promised to never make a threat like that again. Derek had laughed, maybe slightly hysterically, still unused to Spencer verbalizing (if that even counted as verbalizing) his feelings for him. “So you do like me,” he’d said, and that was when Spencer had gotten shy, a ridiculous yet adorable reaction.

“It’s late,” Spencer said now, maybe changing the topic, maybe simply making an observation.

“It is.”

“We should sleep.”

“Should we?” Derek grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer. “There’s nothing else you’d rather do right now?”

Spencer tilted his head. “Well, I would like to look at the case file one more time.”

Derek curled his fingers over his belly, making him double over with a yelp. “You’re impossible.”

“Oh, did you have other ideas?” he asked innocently, blinking up at him.

“As a matter of fact, I think I just wanna sleep now.”

“Okay, well, I can read while you do that.”

“Uh, no.” Derek suddenly picked him up bridal style, crossing the room while Spencer protested. “You’re stuck with me, I’m afraid.”

Spencer laughed as Derek threw him onto the bed. “Oh, whatever shall I do.”

“You’re so lucky these walls are paper thin and people would think I’m murdering you if I tickled you.” Derek smirked. “Or maybe you’re unlucky.”

Spencer huffed and looked away, a blush finding his cheeks. “Shut up.”

“Mmm, no. I quite like it when you get shy.”

Spencer didn’t reply, if him groaning counted as a no-reply that was. 

Derek grabbed his pant legs, janking at them lightly. “Want help undressing?”

“No.” Spencer suddenly grinned up at him, something bold replacing his timidness. “I forgot to bring pajamas.”

“Oh, and what shall we do about that?”

“I guess you’ll have to cuddle me all night to keep me warm.”

“Uh huh.”

“You know, it only seems right. You probably distracted me so that I forgot them.”

“Always so quick to blame me.” Derek climbed over him, poking at his ribs a couple of times in accusation. “But you’re probably right.”

“I usually am.”

“Don’t get cocky now, pretty boy.”

Spencer flushed again, although this time he seemed perfectly fine with it.

They sat up, not yet getting ready for bed. Derek felt like he wasn’t ready for the day to end yet, and so they sat on the bed, both of them leaning against the headboard without speaking.

“Maybe this isn’t the right place to ask this,” Derek started when the silence had stretched out enough that it had filled the entire room. “But. Well. You once said you’d explain it to me.”

Spencer didn’t seem to have to ask what he meant. “I did.”

“You don’t have to now, but- I’d still like to understand. I mean, I’ve done my own research of course, but it seems to be personal enough that it’s different for everyone in some way.”

“It is.”

Derek caught the moment Spencer’s shyness melted into embarrassment. It made him nearly want to drop the subject. “I’m sorry.”

Spencer looked at him. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said, reaching out to touch his knee, albeit briefly. “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t prepared for it to happen now.”

“I can wait,” Derek scrambled to say. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Spencer pursed his lips, eyes darting from Derek to their laps and back to Derek. “I think I’m ready now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Take your time.”

Spencer took that literally, sitting in silence for over two minutes until Derek thought he’d changed his mind when he suddenly said: “How did it start?”

“Sorry?”

“I keep asking myself that, because I can’t really remember. Maybe it never really started but simply evolved from something that was always there. My mother was very affectionate with me before her illness took that from us. She then used other things to express her love. And as you might have noticed I’m not the most touchy person. So I ask myself, why this?”

Derek remained quiet as he spoke. He didn’t mention that he thought his avoidance of touch probably was a coping mechanism more than anything, but who was he to know all that was going on in that genius head of his.

“It’s not even necessarily that I’ve always wanted it for myself,” he continued, cheeks pinkening. “You’re one of the first who does it, but I guess I figured out that it went deeper than just flustered emotions during college.”

“Why college?”

“I, uh, had a friend do it quite often.” Derek decided it wasn’t the time to get jealous of said ‘friend’. “That’s when I looked it up for the first time, although the internet wasn’t the best back then. I found lots of uncomfortable things, but I also learnt a lot. It’s not inherently sexual for me, but- it makes me feel things I can’t explain.”

“You like it.” 

It was an unnecessary clarification from Derek’s part, but Spencer nodded nearly eagerly. “I do. And for a long time I didn’t know what to do with that.”

“I get that.”

“Fortunately it wasn’t the case that brought it back up, but I’d slowly been exploring it. Not physically,” he added, flushing to his roots. “But, just, in my mind I guess.”

“Well, I’m glad for that at least.” Derek stroked Spencer’s knuckles with his thumb. “What is it about it that you like? The sensation?”

“Partly. It’s very unbearable, don’t get me wrong, but I like that it’s such a playful thing that it turns into a chase. It’s fun.”

“That’s cute.”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry. Please keep going.”

“I like that there’s trust in it. That it’s vulnerable.”

“I like seeing you flustered while still trusting me.”

“You see? You do get it.”

“I guess I do.” Derek grinned and Spencer looked away. “Hey, don’t shut me out now.” He spidered his fingers up Spencer’s thigh, laughing when his leg jerked away. “God, I would tickle you to pieces if we were at home.”

“Soon,” Spencer said without protesting. “We have to catch the UnSub first.”

“Stupid UnSub tickle blocking us.”

Spencer let out a laugh and finally looked back at him. “He really is stupid, huh.”

“Very.”

“So you agree I should look at the case file one more time before bed?”

“Pretty boy, I will lie on you if you mention the case file one more time.”

Spencer pouted and Derek kissed him, fingers trailing over the nape of his neck until Spencer had to pull away from the touch as he got too close to his ear. Fuckin’ adorable.

[tanoraqui]

S&D Tier fic inspired by this video. unedited.

“Kiddo, we need to talk about something,” Alex said, and thought, Oh god, I’m turning onto my father. Parenthood was a mistake. I should scrap this all right now and pretend it never happened.

But Hawk was already abandoning its legos and scurrying over to where Alex stood in its bedroom doorway, looking up at them all expectant and a little nervous. (It didn’t project except deliberately; Alex had given themself zeranid-specific telepathy during the space war, for army-directing purposes, and only ever partly turned it off because being able to read your kid’s moods was really helpful in parenting, especially when your kid was an insectoid war machine that didn’t visibly emote like a human).

(Yeah, it was way too late to scrap this all and pretend it’d never happened. It’d pretty much been too late since Morgan first phrased “keep an eye on my core hivemind war machine” as “babysitting.”)

Hawk had scrambled up their body to perch on their head and peer down at them through bent eyestalks. It loved doing that with Alex, because most people couldn’t hold forty pounds of chitin and lethal claws on their head without wobbling.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re adorable.”

Alex patted it on the shell, then walked over to its bed, gently pried its claws out of their hair, and set it on the skateboard-patterned duvet beside them.

“Now, I know you were eavesdropping on my call with Diego earlier—”

I wasn’t! Hawk insisted, projecting innocence and injury.

“I’m an expert eavesdropper and I saw one of your spy drones in the vent,” Alex retorted. “Learn to spy better if you don’t want to get caught!”

Hawk drew its limbs in a couple inches, sulking. Alex scratched the base of its eyestalks reassuringly. This was why they planned on leaving this sort of Real Conversation With Our Kid mostly to Morgan—Morgan was better at reassuring! But obviously, Morgan couldn’t take this Real Conversation…

“I’m guessing you didn’t hear what Diego was saying too much, though?”

They kept scratching as Hawk begrudgingly shook its head.

I could hear her being angry. Do I still get to play with Ducky today?

Alright, time rip off the bandaid.

“Yes,” Alex promised. “But— Listen, you know how Morgan woke up screaming in the middle of the night last…7am today?” Which was like midnight for Morgan; even parenthood hadn’t changed that.

Uh-huh, said Hawk.

“And you know how you showed them that cool trick with the squirrel a couple days ago, you know, the one you told me about over dinner?” While Morgan looked faintly queasy and didn’t finish their food, man, Alex was kicking themself now; at the time they’d been too busy laughing and enthusing at the gory details and the little dance Hawk did to show how it had puppetted the squirrel corpse.

Yeah! Hawk’s limbs stretched back out and its eyestalks waved excitedly. I’m going to show Ducky at our playdate! I’m going to make one do the Macarena. That’s Ducky’s favorite dance.

“That’s hysterical,” Alex informed it. “Okay, but here’s the thing: you can’t let Ducky’s parents know, and you need to pay attention to if Ducky is getting scared while you show him—you remember what people are like when they’re scared?”

Hawk rolled their eyes both internally and externally. They smell nicer and I want to kill them more slowly.

“Hel– heck yeah,” said Alex. “So, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if Ducky is getting scared, you should stop your super cool squirrel trick. Even if you haven’t made it dance yet. Because otherwise, Ducky might be the next one waking up with screaming nightmares, and then Diego really would cancel your next playdate, instead of just talking sh– trash.”

What?! Hawk reared up in dismay and affront, hissing in the way quadrillions of people on thousands of worlds had learned to fear. Why?

But it was a smart kid, so it immediately connected the dots—the really important dots in this conversation; no offense, Ducky. It curled back in on itself unhappily. Did I make Morgan have a nightmare?

“Yeah,” Alex said bluntly. “And Morgan is never, ever going to admit it, because they love you so, so much, and they’d literally rather die rather than make you feel bad about anything you can do or want to do.”

Don’t kill Morgan’s parents, they reminded themself reflexively, to counter the other reflexive thoughts. Do not kill Morgan’s parents, do not kill Morgan’s parents, do not—

They gathered Hawk onto their lap and booped it just above the mandibles, to remind it that it was cute and loveable and to make sure they had its full attention.

“Morgan is stubborn like that, but Morgan is also squeamish,” they explained, in terms suited to a six-year-old. “Literally and morally. That means that when they see too much blood or wiggling internal organs or corpses used as toys or…any sort of killing, really… If they see that stuff up close, they start to feel sick. It’s very lame, I know it’s very lame, but that’s just how they are. So, because we love Morgan, there are rules of thumb—rules of claw, for you, I guess.”

Hawk projected rapt attention. Alex had noticed at some point years ago that every random monster they manifested now—not a power they used often, but it could be fun, eg, for space armies—instinctively adored Morgan as a default feature of their existence. It wasn’t a feature they felt any need to change.

They enumerated on their fingers.

“One, try not to take more than about fifteen seconds to kill a single living creature in front of Morgan, and no more than a minute for a group. If you want to take longer than that, or if it seems like you need to take longer than that, either drag your victim out of sight or drag Morgan away and come back later.

“Two, don’t play with or otherwise weaponize corpses for more than, like, casually throwing them at your enemies, in front of Morgan. Otherwise it’s fine! And Morgan doesn’t even mind if they’re watching you fight on tv. It’s just when they have to see it up close that they start to feel sick.”

I don’t want to make Morgan feel sick. Hawk wasn’t quite at the stage where a human child would be in tears—they were a ruthless killing machine, albeit one who was functionally a six-year-old with an increasingly healthy upbringing with loving parents. But it radiated distress, and hid its face in Alex’s midriff like Alex could shield it from every possible bad thing in the world. Which Alex could, obviously.

Can’t you just make them not get sick?

“Believe me, I’ve thought about it.” Alex sighed, and scratched it gently between the eyestalks again. “But then they wouldn’t be Morgan, you know?”

No! said Hawk, confused and annoyed.

“You will when you’re older,” Alex promised, with another mark on the Turning Into My Parents list.

Hawk critter-grumbled against Alex’s stomach. And Ducky will get sick, too?

“He might, he might not,” Alex said truthfully. “He’s pretty young, so he probably can’t conceptualize that you’re killing people yet, defiling their corpses, all that stuff. In which case, it’s way better to show him now, so he’ll get used to it early!”

Hawk sat back on Alex’s lap with a thoughtful twist of its eyestalks. And I can still show you, right?

“Oh fuck yeah!” said Alex. “I can’t believe you haven’t shown me yet! I love flesh puppets! No matter how your playdate with Ducky goes, you and I are going to the park again tomorrow so you can kill as many squirrels as you want.”

Hawk brightened even to the non–zeranid-telepathic eye. It mentally ran through the list of people who were in on the secret of their identity.

Can I show Barnaby and Ohio?

“Totally,” said Alex. “I want to watch you show Barnaby and Ohio. Please let me be there.”

Okay.

“Okay!” said Alex. He scratched the base of Hawk’s eyestalks again, briskly. “Good talk, champ.” Oh god, that was a pure Mom-ism. “By the way, Rule Three is all bets are off if you or Morgan, or Ducky, is in real danger. Then you should kill whoever and however you want until you’re safe—and full! No skipping meals!”

Hawk both telepathically projected and physically dramatized the rolling of eyes again. Alex and Morgan were raising one sarcastic kid. To be fair, the idea of skipping and not skipping meals did come up a lot in their household.

Speaking of…

“Speaking of, you’d better eat lunch before you go to Ducky’s, or Diego won’t get you guys ice cream at the park.” Alex scooped Hawk up in their arms and headed toward the kitchen. “How’s raw hamburger sound?”

Hawk chittered. With the blood of my enemies!

“Absolutely not,” said Alex. “And don’t try to tell me Morgan lets you drink that stuff—even they wouldn’t give Red Bull to a six-year-old.” Plain coffee, maybe, but not that monstrosity.

Yes they do! Hawk insisted.

“No they don’t.”

Yes they do!

“No they— This is a stupid argument.” They planted Hawk on the kitchen counter and spoke firmly. “You can have chocolate sauce on your hamburger, but no caffeine until you’re older.”

Okay! Hawk wasn’t the least bit dismayed by this result. In fact, it was outright satisfied.

Alex hid their proud grin by turning toward the fridge, wherein lay meat and chocolate sauce both. Their intuitive talent for slaughter and Morgan’s cunning—even if its best friend was a baby hero, their kid was going to fuck up so much shit!

[jaymendell]

‘Favored’ was perhaps a strong word, but Cal was willing to stretch the truth in this instance.

“And you think he will protect you?” the Knight spat, rage causing her sword to shake.

Cal tilted their head back just a little further, not quite trusting her restraint.

“I think you don’t want to find out.”

Neither did Cal, honestly, so this better fucking work, or they would be in some real trouble.

She let out a harsh, aching breath, and finally pulled back, sheathing her sword in a rough motion.

“You are a coward, and a murderer,” she said, the anger overwriting her features into something dark and cold. “And you will deserve everything you get.”

“A coward, I can accept,” Cal said, taking a few careful steps back, just in case she suddenly changed her mind. “But I’m not a murderer. You’ve got the wrong Acoylte, if you’re looking for someone like that.”

The Knight let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head. “You say you are not a murderer, yet you walk among Nightmares? You call yourself an Acolyte of the Dark, and dare to deny any part in it? If you truly believe that, you are only fooling yourself. But you shall not fool me.”

“Believe what you like,” Cal said, unbothered. This was hardly the first time such accusations were thrown in their face, and it would not be the last. “So long as my head remains attached, I don’t much care, Sir Knight.”

“Of course you don’t,” she sneered, and finally turned to walk away, fists still clenched by her sides. “Your kind never do. Not until you face the hangman’s noose. Only then do you begin to beg.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” Cal muttered, and when the Knight stiffened with reborn fury, they hastily scurried away, ducking into the underbrush and putting some distance between the two of them.

Running as quickly as they dared with stealth still on the mind, they fumbled through their pockets, digging out their mirror.

“Come on, come on,” they hissed, tapping frantically at the small hand-mirror’s surface.

It took several minutes of harried cursing, but eventually, a face appeared on the other side.

“What is it?” the Lord of Nightmares, his Holy Dark Himself, said as he answered the call, his words broken halfway through by a yawn.

“I nearly just got my head taken off by a Knight of the Order, that’s what!” Cal hissed, feeling the hysteria of the day finally catching up with them. “What’s going on? I didn’t stick around to ask her any questions, but that’s not the kinda thing that happens unprovoked!”

His Holiness blinked, slowly, all three sets of eyes just slightly out of sync.

“…Which Order was this?”

“The Royal Order!” Cal replied, rather disbelieving that this was something they had to explain. “You know, the foremost authority in the entire Kingdom?”

“Oh, them. I see the problem.” He yawned again, lifting a hand to politely block his fangs from view. “I put their commander into a coma where he’d be haunted by his worst nightmares in a never-ending cycle until he dies, probably of dehydration if I’m being honest. I can see why they’d be mad.”

This was affectionately referred to as the Nightmare Vortex, and was one of the Lord’s favorite party tricks.

“Why?!” Cal asked, only slightly hysteric.

“Got bored.” His Holiness shrugged. “You can go wake him up, I guess, if it means that much to you.”

Yes, keeping their head was rather a priority in life, believe it or not.

“Must I always be stuck cleaning up your messes?” Cal muttered, only for their Lord to grin in return.

“What other reason do I have for keeping you around?” He laughed.

Cal resisted the urge to run back to that Knight and impale themself on her sword. That would probably be easier than dealing with this.

“May your will be done, my Lord,” they said mournfully. The torment never ended.

“You will die by my hand!”

“I am favored by the god of nightmares. You touch me and you will never know peace again.”

[lubdubsworld]

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is. 

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I’d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy  to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.  

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely.  She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while.  We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.  

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong.  She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.  

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements  and you have to have  a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth  always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and  I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have  a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is  give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice.  You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

 Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You’re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook  knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..”  She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.  

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone,  simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “  All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It’s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to. 

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg. 

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it. 

[hellishtrickster]

Orianna ran to the next street on the right, and turned down it. She pulled up her hood and facial covering. She then found a nondescript building no one would be watching too carefully, and scaled it. Orianna knew her city better than most, and the rooftops were hers. They had been her safety net as a child, and they were the best method of travel now.

Orianna ran, jumping from rooftop to rooftop until she was on the building next to the real estate agency. She watched the front of the building carefully, waiting for Delilah and Ben to exit. She would case the building after they’d left because she needed to be certain Delilah was safely away from danger.

When she saw them exit the building, Orianna immediately turned her attention to the agency. Two stories, store front at the bottom and owner’s office at the top. She knew Delilah’s boss would be on the lower floor. She guessed that would be her first stop. Scaling down the building, Orianna came to a window on the side of the building and soundlessly opened it.

She entered the building carefully and silently. Orianna was cautious as she moved through the building, grabbing a handful of silencing powder from the pouch on her belt. When she found the manager’s office, she stepped through the door; quickly closing it and magically spreading the silencing powder. She turned to the manager, who already looked like he was a split second away from wetting his pants. Orianna pulled down her face covering and flashed him a fang-filled, dangerous smile.

“I’d ask for your name darling, but I don’t particularly give a fuck. Now what I want is an explanation.”

Ori unsheathed a dagger and casually twirled it around her fingers as she stalked closer to the human man.

“You see, my sibling and I were put through an assassination attempt with some life altering consequences. One of the assassins let slip that this agency sent the assassins. Care to offer an explanation?”

“We-w-well…I…I…”

Orianna placed her spare hand on the chair arm and placed her dagger against the manager’s throat.

“Speak up, darling. I don’t have all day.”

“F-fuck you! You and that fucking hairball freak have it coming! The owners agreed!”

She pressed the dagger harder against the manager’s neck, but her expression remained the same with a threatening smile on her face.

“Oh…and why do the owners care about that? They were taking my money for years, were they not?”

The manager laughed hysterically.

“Except you murdered their brother.”

Orianna’s smile vanished and her expression became more serious but remained threatening. She quirked an eyebrow at him.

“And who was he exactly? I’m an adventurer you see. There have been plenty of people who thought trying to kill me was a good idea.”

“Ulfgar!” He spat.

Orianna felt her blood turn to fire in her veins. She stared into the man’s eyes and took a good look at him. It had been years since she’d gone to Mintarn to free the kids being enslaved by Ulfgar but she recognised this man’s face. He was the guard who ran away. She growled, and in a split second decision she slit his throat.

Orianna straightened, watching the life drain from his eyes. When he was gone, she magically called the silencing powder back to its pouch. She pulled up her face covering and grabbed a quill. Orianna began writing her explanation for Ben as she waited for them to arrive.

She simultaneously listened for occupants of the building moving around. In her note, Orianna explained who owned the building, and that Ulfgar had been the former owner of the assassins guild she’d been a part of. She explained that he had unbeknownst to her and the other assassins, kidnapped and enslaved children. She explained that she had killed Ulfgar, and then freed the children. Orianna explained that she killed the manager because he’d been one of the guards keeping the children on the island of Mintarn.

As she wrote it all down, it sunk in that all of this was her fault. Orianna could only hope that Ben could forgive her. She paused and asked them to forgive her in her note as well.

Orianna paused, and thought through the options. The best option was to get Delilah out of there altogether. She’s a civilian who would be defenceless if things got ugly. Given what happened, it just might.

Orianna didn’t want to take any chances with Delilah’s safety. The most important thing was to ensure she’d go home to her family safe and sound.

“Get her out of there. I’ll go up onto the rooftops. You’re getting her out of there will be my signal to go deal with the higher ups and get some proper answers. Sound good?”

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

All Men Have Limits - X

Character: Dick Grayson x Reader x Bruce Wayne

Summary: A certain bat believes that Y/N is in way over her head, that she’s too naive to act in her best interest. So, whether she wants it or not, the vigilante family is going to help and protect her before she gets herself killed.

Word Count: 4,100+

Previously on…

The next three days were one of the darkest periods of Dick Grayson’s life. 

He was thrown back into the past to the moments after his parents were murdered. This felt the same but somehow worse. Because he was convinced he had the power to stop it, to keep Y/N safe.

Why did everyone he love have to die?

Was he cursed?

Was he responsible for their deaths?

He hadn’t even been able to tell Y/N how he really felt. He’d been holding back all this time, terrified that his truth would just push her away and make her decide to close off from him.

Now Dick wished he could go back in time and confess everything to her. If she had pushed him away, he would found his way back to her somehow. He sees that now – now that it’s too late.

He looked at Y/N sleeping peacefully in her bed at the manor.

Is it a miracle if conjuring was used to fight back at fate?

Dick doesn’t even remember what he said when he contacted Zatanna. He must’ve sounded hysterical and utterly desperate. His vision had been blurred from the tears he couldn’t control. 

He already blacked the whole thing out.

Zatanna told them that Y/N would sleep for a few days. Even if her magic saved her life and Y/N wouldn’t even have a scar to prove she had died, her body was still exhausted from the trauma of it all.

But even with Zatanna’s reassurance, Dick hadn’t left Y/N’s side, absolutely terrified that she was still in danger, that she could still leave them forever.

When Y/N started to shift, Dick sat up straighter in the chair that he’d pulled close to her bed.

Y/N winced before her eyes fluttered open.

Dick didn’t want to overwhelm her, so he just waited for her to fully wake up.

Y/N seemed confused when she realized that she was back in her room at the manor.

Then her gaze moved to Dick.

“Bruce, is he–”

“He’s fine,” Dick cut her off before she could get herself into a panic.

Her entire body relaxed and she let out the breath she was holding in without realizing it.

“He has a concussion and he’s a little beat up. But he’s had worse,” Dick elaborated.

She raised a brow. “You tend to say that a lot.”

Dick shrugged.

But it was true: Bruce had been in much worse condition.

“You saved his life, Y/N.”

She seemed uncomfortable hearing that and didn’t meet his gaze.

“I did what anyone would’ve done,” Y/N mumbled.

“Not everyone would be that brave.”

A silence settled between them for a few moments.

“How am I here?” Y/N finally asked Dick quietly.

But they both knew she was really asking, ‘How am I alive?’

“I’m not sure you really want to know all the details…” Dick had been dreading this conversation.

“I’m assuming you called in another favor with your magic friend,” Y/N thought aloud.

“Zatanna,” Dick confirmed. “And, yes. Something like that.”

Y/N gave him a look that told him she wasn’t going to let it go so easily.

“She used a spell that reversed your injuries. She…” Dick had to pause and clear his throat and get rid of his emotions that were threatening to spill. “She used your blood to write a spell, making it far stronger than most she’s cast. It saved your life.”

Y/N watched him for a moment.

“That must’ve been scary,” she whispered, truly understanding what she had put him through.

She simply could not imagine had it been the other way around. The idea of watching Dick die was something she hoped to never live through.

“He hadn’t left your side until Alfred basically secretly drugged him and scared him to get his own bedroom.”

Y/N moved to get out of bed.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Dick panicked as she stood up to stop her.

“I feel…” she thought about it for a moment.

“Like you were stabbed to death?” Dick offered darkly.

“No. I feel…I feel fine.”

He could tell she was telling the truth.

“Perks of magically being healed?” She offered innocently.

“Guess so.”

She moved out of the bed and realized she was wearing cotton shorts and a baggy t-shirt that she most definitely didn’t die in.

What had happened while she was asleep? How long was she dead?

Y/N went to the window and looked out at the grounds of Wayne Manor.

“What happened when the cops showed up?” She asked quietly, almost in a daze.

“You’d have to ask Tim for details. I was preoccupied with…” Dick’s words died out.

Y/N turned away from the window to look at him.

She may have survived, but that was never going to make talking about that night any easier for him.

Luckily, she understood what Dick couldn’t put into words.

Dick took in a deep breath and crossed his arms, “We got them, Y/N.”

It almost seemed to good to be true. They’d been at this for months. It took them weeks just to plan their final blow.

Y/N didn’t realize how hard it would be to believe that it was truly over.

It didn’t help that there was no returning to her old life. Too much had changed.

“With the evidence you gave the FBI, there’s not a lawyer in the world that can save them. Even if a member’s hands aren’t dirty, the public shame will be enough to neutralize them for good,” Dick added with a bit of optimism.

But he could tell by Y/N’s face that she was having trouble accepting the truth.

He took a step toward her. 

“If there’s members of The Court that slipped out from underneath us, if any of them try to come after you, it’ll just prove to the world that The Court of Owls is still operating. And exposing that will be the last thing they’ll want.”

She tried to force a small smile and nod, but it was unconvincing.

Dick closed the space between them and grabbed her hands.

“Y/N, you did it.”

“It’s really over,” she whispered, staring into his deep blue eyes.

He gave her a reassuring smile and nodded.

Then Dick’s focus shifted. He looked her up and down. “Y/N, you should really get some rest. You’ve been through a lot.”

Y/N sighed. “I think I’m gonna take a shower.” She smirked, “Get all that death off me.”

Dick frowned. “Not funny.”

“Jason would think it’s funny,” Y/N teased as she walked to the bathroom.

He playfully glared at her. “I’ll give you some space. But I’ll be down in the cave if you need me.”

Dick only got a few steps before Y/N called his name as if she’d forgotten something and rushed to him.

He looked at her expectantly.

Y/N stepped forward and locked her arms around Dick and buried her face into his shoulder. She closed her eyes and tried to control her breathing.

“Thank you,” she mumbled as his hands rubbed her back soothingly and he pulled her closer.

Dick wanted to tell Y/N that she didn’t have to thank him. He saved her life and he would do it again and again and again, and he would never expect gratitude for it. Because Dick knew that it was just as much for him as it was for her.

So instead he just held her in silence and felt the warmth from her body – the same body that had been ice cold and lifeless just days before.

When they finally pulled away, Dick was studying her face to make sure she was alright to be left alone.

He gave her one last look before leaving her.

Y/N took her time in the shower, making the water as hot as her skin would allow without giving it burns. There wasn’t a single bruise or cut on her. Her fingers traced over the place on her abdomen where the katana had been shoved through. 

There was nothing.

She wondered if there was a price to pay for such magic. Would she be held accountable? Or would it be Dick’s friend who faced the consequences?

Y/N didn’t know how long she’d been showering, but when she finally walked out, the bathroom was filled with too much steam.

She quickly put on sweatpants and a t-shirt when her stomach started growling. She couldn’t even remember when her last meal had been.

Y/N moved to her door after deciding that going straight to the kitchen was quite necessary.

But she stopped as she heard footsteps walking past her room in the hall.

She froze, thinking it was Bruce.

What would she say to him? Would he be angry with her? Would he not react at all to her resurrection? What would hurt her more between the two?

But it wasn’t Bruce. 

Tim and Damian were walking down the hallway.

“How much longer do you think he’ll stay?” She heard Damian ask.

“I don’t know. I heard the Titans have been bugging him to come back,” Tim answered. “I’m sure Kori misses him and has been texting.”

Damian just hummed in acknowledgment.

Y/N realized her hand was suspended over the doorknob.

And she had a realization: she was safe to leave.

But more importantly, she wasn’t the only one that could return to their “normal” life: so could Dick, so could everyone else in the family.

Soon, Tim would go back to his condo in the city. Jason would stop working so closely with the family he tried to disown and he’d probably stop coming around manor so often – if ever. And Bruce…Bruce would move on to new cases and return to the usual patrolling.  

Y/N turned and looked at the bedroom that had become her new home in the past few months. Her personality was nowhere to be found inside. It wasn't actually hers. She was just one of its many visitors. 

Y/N grabbed her duffle bag from underneath the queen-sized bed and started throwing her belongings into it.

Ten minutes later, Y/N had her jacket and shows on, and all of her belongings were packed in her bag. 

She still had to deal with all her equipment that was sitting in the cave. But that was a problem for another day. Right now, she didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it. She needed to leave – before she changed her mind.

-

Y/N was just yards from the front door when she heard his voice.

“Y/N?” Dick asked just loud enough to catch her.

She froze in place.

While her back was still to him, she closed her eyes in grievance from the failure of being spotted.

She slowly turned around.

“You trying to sneak out of here?” Dick asked.

It was meant to sound teasing, but she heard his disappointment loud and clear.

“It’s about time I get out of your hair.” 

“We’re not exactly kicking you out…” Dick tried to joke.

“You said so yourself: it’s safe for me now.” She sighed and walked closer to him. “Look, I just…I need some time alone.”

Dick took it a bit too personally. Were they really that exhausting to be around? He thought she had started to see them as her own family. He thought things were OK.

“At least let me drive you,” he offered quietly.

“I called a cab. It’s waiting for me outside.”

Before Dick could say anything else, she quickly turned and made her escape.

Y/N knew what she was scared of. She was scared he’d tell her he was leaving Gotham now that the case had been solved. But she was even more scared that he’d tell her he was staying. 

She wasn’t ready to deal with either scenario.

So, Y/N did what she did best: she ran.

————————

Y/N stared at the wall of her safe house.

The silence that she had once grown used to long ago was now irritating.

Y/N hadn’t realized how accustomed she had become to the chaos of Wayne Manor until she had torn herself away from it. Even when it was quiet there, she could feel the presence of everyone.

Now she was left only to her thoughts.

And just she was about to escape the silence and go grab food at a nearby diner, there was a knock on the door.

Y/N knew for a fact that this safe-house hadn’t be blown yet – and that included with the Wayne family. It was exactly why she chose to come here instead of the one where Bruce first found her and dragged her to Wayne Manor for her own safety.

Which was why Y/N grabbed one of her guns and checked to make sure it was loaded and the safety was off before she tiptoed to the door.

She looked through the peep hole and her stomach twisted when she saw Bruce Wayne was on the other side.

She knew he could sense her presence on the other side, and there was no hiding. So she opened the door quickly.

Bruce eyed the gun in her hand. “This has become a habit of yours.”

Y/N ignored his comment, uncocked the gun, and carefully placed it on a table near the door.

When she was finally able to take Bruce in, she noted that his face was covered in bruises and small cuts. To be honest, Y/N expected more damage after being a witness to his near-death beating. 

“May I come in?” Bruce asked softly.

She blinked rapidly, realizing she had yet to invite him inside.

This was all reminiscent of that night.

And Y/N didn’t appreciate the memories and feelings Bruce was stirring up.

An awkward silence settled between them. The silence of her apartment was doing nothing to help.

“Are you okay?”

Y/N knew the question was sincere, but Bruce still managed to ask it without showing any ounce of emotion – as if he wasn’t personally invested in the matter. 

“I’m fine,” she answered quickly. Her eyes softened. “Are you okay?”

He simply nodded.

Silence again.

“You can never do that again,” Bruce declared.

“Do what?”

“You risked your life to save mine. The boys refused to tell me what happened, but I saw the footage. You threw yourself in front of me.”

Y/N remained calm as she said, “You did the same for me.”

Bruce shook his head. Because they both knew it wasn’t the same thing.

The truth was that Bruce woke up to find Dick crying over Y/N’s dead body. And then a few minutes he had watched as Dick begged Zatanna to help him.

And Bruce? Bruce had been unconscious when Y/N had needed him the most.

He had protected her all these months – with his own family and his own home – just to be useless in her final moment of need.

When Bruce finally woke up recovered to find out that Y/N had fled the manor, he knew he needed to go to her. He needed to make sure she never did something so stupid as risking her life to save him.

But now Bruce stood before her and he knew he needed to tell her so much more than just that.

“What are you doing here, Bruce? Did you just plan on lecturing me again?”

But Bruce wasn’t realized he couldn’t use any words tonight.

Ever so slowly, he stepped into her space, putting less and less space between their bodies. Y/N could feel the heat coming from him. And she sucked in a gasp from his proximity. She breathed in his cologne that she’d grown to love so much that it instantly relaxed her.

Her heart beat faster and faster as his eyes shifted down to her lips, hesitating in a way that was excruciating to Y/N. But it gave her time to resist, to allow her to shut this down before it could continue.

But Y/N didn’t want to do that.

Bruce brushed her hair away from her face, then his hands shifted slightly to cup her face. His touch wasn’t soft, but insistent.

He pressed his lips to Y/Ns. Brisk and determined. 

The tension finally snapped and pushed them to a passionate kiss that was long overdo.

Was this only going to cause them both more pain in the future?

Or was this what they should’ve done long ago?

Bruce pushed Y/N against a wall.

And then everything became a blur.

Bruce picked Y/N up and wrapped her legs around his waist for her, silently instructing her. 

Clothes were unzipped and unbuttoned, and thrown around the apartment without thought.

Their breathing was heavy and reactive to the way their hands raced across each other’s now naked skin. 

For never being at this particular safe house, Bruce found his way to the bed with ease.

From the movement of their bodies and obvious desire for one another, one thing became clear: they were never meant to only share one night together.

————

Y/N had tried with all her might to stay awake – even if that meant pulling an all-nighter.

She was trying to break the pattern. And even though Bruce had exhausted her body to no end, she didn’t want to wake up to find his side of the bed empty.

But she was shocked to open her eyes and find not only that Bruce was still in her bed, but that she had been sleeping on his bare chest with his arms wrapped tightly around her.

Y/N could feel that he was awake. Apparently he was much more disciplined than her.

Little did she know Bruce hadn’t slept at all, not wanting to miss the feeling of her against him. 

Y/N slowly lifted her head, “Hi.”

He smirked at the sleepiness in her voice.

“Hi."

“Didn’t expect you to be here still,” she admitted quietly.

“I can leave if you want.” And he meant it, even though it would hurt.

“No,” she scolded him in a breathy gasp.

The tension in his body released. 

Y/N shifted off of his chest

“And where do you think you’re going?” Bruce questioned.

She shifted so she was no longer resting on his chest, but laying on her side beside him so she could see his face.

“I just wanted to look at you,” she whispered innocently.

Bruce smirked at her answer.

Y/N made sure the bed sheet was successfully covering her nudity.

Bruce seemed amused with her sudden modesty, but said nothing of it.

“How did you find me here?” Y/N asked him.

It had been the first thing she’d wanted to ask when he showed up to her door last night. But Bruce hadn’t exactly given her a lot of space to speak last night.

Bruce’s jaw tightened, which was a message in its own. 

“Bruceeeee,” Y/N pushed back with irritation.

“You aren’t going to like the answer.”

She glared at him. “Did you put a fucking tracker on me, Bruce Wayne?”

“Your phone.”

“When?” She asked.

“After you tried to turn yourself in to the Talons.”

Y/N sighed, clearly annoyed by the answer.

They both knew she could easily disable it now that she knew about it. Even if he hadn’t confessed it, she would’ve figured it out on her own eventually.

“You’re upset,” Bruce observed.  

“How would you feel if I did the same to you? But it’s…you. And I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Need I remind you that we only met because you blackmailed me and threatened to expose my identity to the world?”

“You know that wasn’t the same,” she shot back as she rolled her eyes. 

“You’re right.” Bruce sighed. “I promise I will deactivate it.”

“No,” Y/N surprised him by saying. “But I will make you a deal…you can always know where I am if I can know the same for you.”

Bruce knew this was a test. Because Y/N expected him to immediately shoot down such an offer. Couldn’t such information be used against Batman?

“Deal,” he agreed.

Y/N was so shocked by his compliance that her overwhelming emotions forced her to lean into him and capture his lips in a kiss.

“Should I make us breakfast?” She whispered to him after barely pulling away from his lips. 

She lightly bumped her nose against his. 

Bruce nodded with a grin.

But before Y/N could ask what he wanted, a knock at the door interrupted them.

Her heart raced at the thought of another intrusion – and a less welcomed one.  

Bruce frowned, but remained calm.

“Stay here,” he warned before placing a light kiss on her bare shoulder.

Before she could argue, he slipped out of bed.

He put his boxer briefs on, but didn’t bother with a shirt or pants.

Even though Bruce told Y/N to stay put, she still figured a mysterious knock on the door was a sign to put clothes on.

She practically threw on her underwear, but couldn’t find a single piece of clothing she had on yesterday. Yet somehow she found Bruce’s white button down and quickly buttoned on to give herself some semblance of decency.

Bruce looked through the peephole. 

He held his breath.

Bruce would’ve rather it been an attempted attack on Y/N than…this.

“Y/N, I know you’re there,” Dick called from the other side of the door.

Bruce knew she couldn’t hear him. But he knew there was no other choice than to open the door.

Bruce looked apathetic as he faced his first protégé.

But Dick knew Bruce well enough to see that there was guilt hidden underneath.

He took in Bruce’s attire – or really, the lack there of.

Dick huffed out a laugh, “Of course. I should’ve known better.”

He shook his head and turned to leave.

Bruce slammed the door shut and rubbed his face in distress.

Before he could even think of something to say to Y/N, she rushed past him and threw the door open again.

“Dick! Wait!” Y/N called to him and caught him in the hallway.

By some miracle, Dick stopped and turned to her.

He looked her up and down, lingering far too long on the white button down she was wearing that so clearly belonged to Bruce.

“Needed some time alone, huh?” 

Throwing Y/N’s own words back at her was meant to come out harsh and cold. But it ended up sounding heartbroken and betrayed.

And, honestly, that was worse to Y/N.

She have any idea what to say to him.

What would even make him feel better?

So, Y/N just watched Dick slowly walk away.

She stepped back into the safe house with tears in her eyes.

Bruce immediately moved to her. 

“Y/N–”

But Y/N shook her head, stopping him from saying anything more.

“I should go,” Bruce told her. 

He couldn’t help himself as he reached to wipe her tears away.

“I should probably give you your shirt back,” she said between sniffles.

Had the situation been different, it would’ve sounded funny. 

But there was no humor here. 

Bruce’s innocent touch of wiping her tears away made it hard for Y/N to concentrate.

So she escaped into the bedroom and quickly changed into her own clothes.

When she walked back out, she had all of Bruce’s stuff in her arms.

Once Bruce was in his clothes again, he didn’t know what to do or say next.

It was hard for Bruce to leave Y/N when she was so visibly upset. Dick wasn’t here to make Y/N feel better this time...and that was all Bruce’s fault.

“I’m not used to saying bye to you,” Y/N finally broke the tension.

Bruce’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

A sad look flashed across her face as she processed her thoughts. “Usually I wake up…and you’re gone. You don’t even give me a chance to.”

Bruce bowed his head in shame. “I shouldn’t have done that to you,” he finally admitted to her.

Y/N nodded slowly, agreeing with him.

“But you did,” she whispered. 

Her voice sounded congested from all the tears she just shed. 

“And all this time, I let myself think it was OK or even that I was the one who had messed it all up.”

Bruce quickly shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Y/N.”

Her eyes darkened. “Why did you have to make it so hard to stay away from you, Bruce?”

An he knew he deserved that. “I’ve been selfish,” he confessed.

Bruce hesitated before giving her a slow kiss on the cheek.

It was the first time Y/N had ever seen him unsure of himself.

Without saying anything more, he turned and left.

“Goodbye, Bruce.” Y/N whispered long after he could still hear her.

----------------------------------------

Part XI

Did I ruin your life? Let me know 😂

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Day 9: Nose Kisses

"Teddy!" Harry called as he opened the door to Andromeda's, long past the formality of knocking before entering. "It's your favorite uncle!" he called.

"Unca Draco!" shrieked the little voice as the toddler came running to the door, giggles pealing out of his mouth.

Harry shook his head at the little boy whose hair had turned itself black before he'd even entered the room, giving away his fun. "Uncle Draco?" Harry asked with mock outrage. "Uncle Draco?!" He scooped up the giggling boy, tickling him until he burst into shrieking, hysterical giggles.

After a moment he set the boy back on his feet and said, "Well, I guess if Uncle Draco's your favorite, I'll save this," he said, dangling a little sweet he'd picked up on the way, "for my own favorite nephew."

His eyes went wide and he smiled at Harry, that big, innocent smile that made Harry breathless and somehow sad all at once. "Just joking," he informed Harry. "You're both my favorite."

Harry pretended to consider that for a moment, then caved. "Alright," he said, "I guess you're my favorite, too," he added with a wink, handing over the treat. "Go ask nana if it's okay for you to have it now."

"Nana," he bellowed, racing away once more.

Harry shook his head.

"He always eventually caves and says I'm his favorite when I bring him a treat," a voice informed him. Not just a voice, Harry supposed, that voice. The voice that found its way into dreams, that he found interrupting his thoughts during the day.

(More below the cut)

Harry stood up quickly, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed that they'd had an audience. "Yes, well," he replied, mouth a bit dry suddenly as he took in Draco's appearance; tight jeans and a loose (yet somehow flattering) tshirt that left part of his collarbones exposed. He was barefoot, shoes and socks abandoned completely, his ankles peaking out just below the cuff of his jeans. There was something about Draco barefoot that made Harry ache with longing.

"Admitting defeat so easily?" Draco asked, smirking.

"You know," Harry said, forcing his brain and his mouth to start working once more, "You could be nicer to me, at least today."

"And why would that be?" the other man teased, his smile warm in a way Harry never would have imagined it could be when they were younger.

"It is my birthday," Harry replied.

Draco took another step toward him, "Is it really? I had no idea. Is that why you bought Teddy a present?"

He rolled his eyes, "Well I wasn't going to buy myself a present." he replied.

"Why not?" he asked. "I always buy myself a birthday present. Birthday presents are important."

"What did you get me then? If birthday presents are so important?" he teased, refusing to think about all of the times he'd tried to tell himself just the opposite as a child and teenager.

Draco just grinned at him, "I guess you'll have to wait and see."

Andromeda called them a few moments later, telling them to come to dinner. Dinner was light and fun, full of good natured teasing and a bit of bickering. Andromeda made his favorites and Teddy filled all of the silent spaces, filled all of the holes and sadness that Harry still struggled with sometimes.

There was cake and then presents; Teddy gave him a lovely (messy) painting of the two of them holding hands and Harry knew he was going to frame it to bring to work to hang on his wall. Andromeda gave him a new pair of gloves to wear when he went out flying. Then last came a package that Draco handed over a bit shyly.

Harry smiled in spite of himself, "You didn't have to-"

"I wanted to," Draco assured him before he could finish that thought.

He peeled back the brown paper to find a candle within the wrappings. Harry opened the lid and sniffed; it smelled like fresh air and sunshine, like the handle of a broom stick, like the pages of magic books, and just a little like strawberries. A memory of taking Teddy out flying one afternoon with Draco sprang to mind.

"I made it myself," Draco said before Harry could get the full memory to play out so he could figure out why it made him think of Draco.

"It's such an interesting smell," Harry said, smiling faintly as he held it up to sniff it again. "What is it?"

Draco shrugged one irritatingly elegant shoulder, "You tell me."

"I hate tests," he said before sniffing and saying, "It smells like summer. Like open windows and sunshine. It smells like the handle of a freshly polished broom. A bit like books," he added. "Maybe a little bit like freshly picked strawberries?"

The other man's brow furrowed, "Interesting," he said.

"What was it supposed to smell like?"

Draco said nothing, but pulled a notebook out of his pocket to jot down Harry's answers.

"Alright, young man," Andromeda said and Harry jumped to attention before realizing she was talking to Teddy. "It's past your bed time."

Teddy groaned, "Just a little longer?"

"Not one moment more," she replied steadily.

"Can Unca Harry and Unca Draco come up?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, pressing a kiss to his hair.

Harry followed after Teddy and Draco followed after him. They'd done this before, many times at this point, in fact. They had the routine down; Draco got out his pajamas while Harry helped him brush his teeth, then Harry picked out a book while Draco helped him change into pajamas, Harry read a book while Draco dimmed the lights, then Draco sang him a song.

It went perfectly smoothly, as though they'd been doing this for years. And in fairness, they had been, Harry supposed. When they finished with everything Teddy held out his arms to Draco, "Huggie and nose kissies."

Draco obliged him, "Good night, Teddy."

"Nigh-Night," he replied, before reaching for Harry.

Harry bent over him and gave him a hug and brushed his nose back and forth across Teddy's a few times. "Good night, sweetpea, Uncle Harry loves you," he whispered.

"Love you," Teddy replied. "Happy Birthday."

"Thank you," Harry replied, feeling a little misty eyed as he pulled back. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? We'll go have lunch at the park."

"Unca Draco, too?" he asked.

"Yeah, Uncle Draco, too, if he's free."

"Oh, I suppose I could squeeze you two in," he replied, giving Harry's arm a gentle tug toward the door.

"Sleep tight, bug," Harry called, casting a few floating baubles of dim light over Teddy's bed before following Draco out of the room.

They headed downstairs and Harry said, "Well, sorry I can't stay to chat. I'm supposed to meet Ron and Hermione for a celebratory pint. Ginny's over at theirs, hanging out in case Rose wakes up."

"Yes," Draco said, "And I've still got some work to finish up at home."

"Oh," Harry said, frowning at him, "I was going to see if you wanted to join us."

He shook his head, "Weasley doesn't really-"

"But it's my birthday," Harry interrupted.

"It is," Andromeda agreed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Draco you should go out. You're too entrenched in your work." She kissed his cheek too, "You boys get out and enjoy yourselves."

"I'll walk you out," Draco offered and Harry really wished he'd change his mind.

When they got outside onto the top step, Draco hummed, "Well, Happy Birthday, Harry."

"Thanks," he said, "Are you sure you can't-"

"Did the candle remind you of anyone?" Draco asked suddenly, interrupting Harry's thoughts.

Harry frowned, "Only you," he said. He looked up, catching Draco's gaze, he repeated, "I only thought of you."

Draco stepped forward suddenly, crowding into Harry's personal space to place a hasty kiss on Harry's lips. He backpedaled quickly and started do the stairs.

Harry only barely caught him before he got away down the steps.

"Where are you-? What do you-?" Harry managed, unable to form a coherent thought, before he pulled Draco back into him and returned the kiss. "Don't run," Harry whispered before pressing his lips to Draco's again.

"Harry," the other man murmured, melting against him and wrapping his arms around Harry's shoulders.

They kissed for a long moment and Harry was flying, lighter and freer than he could remember being in years. He pressed Draco back against the wall and stroked his hands slowly up and down his sides. At this point, Harry never wanted the kiss to end.

But the couldn't kiss forever and Draco pulled back eventually and said, "You should know I cheated."

"Sorry?" Harry asked, still far more focused on the way Draco's lips had felt on his and on the way Draco's lips turned cherry red when they'd been kissed.

"The candle," he elabroated. "There's a little bit of amortentia in it, so it-"

"Smells like the person I love," Harry finished.

Draco flushed but nodded.

Harry thought about this for a moment, wondering if he should be mad but unable to feel anything except giddy that the other man had kissed him. "If you didn't love me too, I'd be pissed."

The other man leaned in close and brushed his nose over Harry's, "I had to be sure," he whispered.

"I'm sure," Harry assured, pulling Draco in to kiss him once more.

He was late to meet Ron and Hermione at the pub, but the hand he clasped tightly in his was more than worth the teasing he got for being late.

Day 8: Chickens | Day 10: The Beach

[teddy06writes]

Some unspoken thing

Karl Jacobs x Reader 

requested: no

Trigger warnings: mentions of covid, mild descriptions of a panic attack

premise: You and Karl have been friends, for years now, and now even your friends are starting to see that unspoken thing between you

“---” talking

‘---’ talking through a call

(y/s/n) -  your screen name

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’d known Karl since you were at least 10, and you both agreed that you’d been together forever, through thick and thin it was always you and Karl against the world. You and your unspoken thing.

When he’d first spoken of moving away from Portland you weren’t too sure, mostly because of college, but still, you found yourself here, sprawled across a couch, exhausted from hauling boxes up to your apartment. 

“Why did we bring so much stuff?” You groaned as Karl picked up your legs long enough to sit down, then letting them drop into his lap. 

He sighed, “Don’t quote me on this, but it was you who couldn’t pack your stuff into less than 20 boxes.” 

“Yah okay Mr. ‘I can’t be bothered to even clean this laundry before I pack it up to leave’.” You scoffed.  

“That's not true! I washed most of it...” Karl trailed off pulling out his phone, “Pizza?” 

“Obviously.” 

Soon the pizza arrived and as Karl went to the door to grab it, you went and grabbed two monsters from the fridge, sitting back down in front of the couch as Karl came back with the pizza. 

“Ey I gotta pizza here!” He exclaimed, setting it down. 

“Eyyyyyyy!” You handed him one of the monsters, opening your own as he sat down, already starting to pull up an old episode of survivor. 

Once the pizza had been finished, and the left overs put away you ended up half cuddled together on the couch, your fingers softly carding through his hair. 

^^

“Hey! I’m back!” You called, looking around the seemingly empty apartment, confused, “Karl?” 

It had been a few months since, you’d moved out to North Carolina, and so far online school hadn’t been too bad even when corona hit, not with Karl and streaming to distract you from the reality of the world around you.

You went back to looking around for your friend, calling, “Hey, Karl where’d you go?” 

Sighing you followed the soft, muffled sobs to Karl’s room, knocking on the door softly, “Honey, are you in there?” 

There was silence, then a muffled, “un uh.” 

You pushed open the door gently, blinking into the mild darkness and turning to see Karl sitting on his bed, half curled into the wall and wrapped in a sweater he’d stolen from your closest a few weeks ago. 

Immediately  you crossed the room, climbing onto the bed next to him and pulling him into your arms, “Hey, hey, what’s wrong? What happened?” 

His arms drifted around your waist, burying his into your chest, “They all hate me.” He murmured. 

“Who do you think hates you?” You cooed. 

“Dream and Sapnap and everyone.”

“They don’t hate you, no one on the smp hates you.” You pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “What happened?” 

“I said somethin stupid, (y/n), I messed everything up.” 

You knew not to push any further, instead just doing your best to hold him closer, whispering, “They don’t hate you, they’d never hate you okay? It’ll all blow over and everything will be okay. I promise.” 

“What if it doesn’t (y/n)? What if I messed it up forever?” 

“You didn’t baby, you didn’t. It’s gonna be alright, I promise.” 

^^

“Ahhhhhh leave me alone!” You half shrieked, running away from Sapnap and Quackity on the dream SMP. 

‘Imposter! Imposter!’ They chanted. 

“I’m just supposed to be babysitting the chat!” You yelled, “I didn’t sign up to bully on a twitch stream! If I wanted that I would’ve been on my own stream!”

Sapnap laughed, ‘Oof! That's sad.’ 

“I know,” You said dramatically, “No one has any respect for (y/s/n), not you, not my chat, not even Karl!” 

‘We all know thats not true.’ Quackity scoffed. 

You half turned, giggling as Karl, came back into the room, “Debatable.” 

“What’s uh, whats going on?” He asked. 

“I’m being bullied, that's what's going on,” The chat started to fill with hearts and ‘(y/s/n) support.’, “Also I’ve decided since your chat likes me more than mine, so this is my stream now, I’m taking over.” 

Karl just half sighed, grabbing the chair from your desk on the other side of the office, and wheeling it over, sitting down next to you, propping his legs in your lap. 

‘(y/n) the world wants to know, how does it feel to now fill the void where Karl Jacobs once sat?’ Quackity asked, through a voice filter. 

“Well, since my dear friend Karl died,” 

“I’m not dead!” He interjected.

You sniffed, “Sometimes I can still hear his voice.”

“Dear friend?” Sapnap scoffed, “Al- Quackity look at the stream and tell me if they look like ‘dear friends’.” 

You face started to grow red, as both Nick and Alex began to catcall at you two, Karl, clearly getting confused as you ducked your head, face entirely red. 

“Whats the matter (y/n)? You got a crush?” Nick teased. 

Half covering your mouth you muttered, “Just some unspoken thing.” 

^^

“If I were to tell you that I kinda sorta didn’t listen to you, and forgot to buy more cereal, what would you say?” Karl asked, shrugging off his backpack as he came into the apartment. 

When he got no real response, he started to look around, finding you a minute later, laying on his bed, “Did’ja hear me?” 

“ehhhh... I don’t really care.” 

His brow furrowed upon hearing your monotonous, “You okay? What’s up?” 

You were still staring up at the ceiling “Grey, ‘s all grey.”

Sighing he came and sat down on the bed next to you, taking one of your hands in his, “Grey?” 

“Sad brain makes everything grey.” 

Karl fiddled with your fingers a moment, before raising them to his lips and softly pressing a kiss to your knuckles, “I’ll go make you tea.” 

He headed out of the room, leaving you to sit up and stare at the ceiling wondering what you’d done to deserve someone like him. 

He headed out of the room, leaving you to sit up and stare at the ceiling wondering what you’d done to deserve someone like him. 

A few minuets later he came back with a mug, handing it to you before he sat down behind you, wrapping his arms around you, “Is there a reason for sad brain today?” 

“Everything's just- blah. I’m just tired.” 

He didn’t need to ask to understand you didn’t mean physically, so instead he just pulled you gently to lean against his chest, pressing a gentle kiss to the edge of your jaw, “Okay?”

You knew Karl had a hard time with words sometimes, and you had long since learned how to listen for the meanings between simple phrases, and especially the weight of certain words, “Okay.” 

^^

‘So what is with you and Karl?’ Niki asked. 

You sighed, “I do not even know where to begin to answer that question.”

You were sitting in a discord call with her, originally trying to plan a joint stream but the conversation had switched.

‘I mean, if you don’t mind me saying so, it seems like your dating.’ 

“Well...” You considered it for a moment, you knew that your feelings for Karl were more than platonic, and had been for a long time, to you, it almost seemed like a fact of the world, the sky is blue, the earth is round, you loved Karl. 

“We've never talked about it, but- I suppose we- uhhh, you know what we’ll just say a little bit.” You quickly changed what you were going to say to be more ambiguous as Karl entered the room yelling, “Hi Niki!” 

‘I know you can’t hear me but hi Karl!’ She yelled back. 

You laughed, turning in your chair, “Niki says hi!” 

Karl grinned, leaning on the back of your chair, “Oh, yeah, dinners ready.”  and Niki raised her eyebrows, smirking at you.

“Don’t look at me like that.” You laughed, feeling Karl’s chin coming to rest on the top of your head. 

‘I’m not looking at anything.’ she insisted, ‘you would be a cute couple.’

Your face started to turn red, “Shut up!” 

‘It was a compliment!’ Niki laughed. 

“I know!” 

Karl’s face grew confused, “What?”

“It’s nothing. Niki I’ve gotta go, we’ll see about the stream tomorrow, okay?” 

‘yeah, bye!’ 

“Bye!” 

You disconnected from the call, “Dinner?” 

“Yeah! I managed not to burn the chicken!” 

You couldn’t help but grin, “Awesome!” 

^^

“I swear- either there both oblivious or there just really good at keeping it just hidden enough!” Dream exclaimed. 

“I mean if we don’t find out for another two weeks, I get a hundred dollars, so by all means let it drag out.” Quackity laughed. 

Sapnap groaned, “Actually its more like three hundred now, Hbomb, Skeppy and Wilbur all put in more money.” 

“Well I asked the other day,” Niki began, “and they only said, ‘a little bit’, What does that even mean?” 

“Maybe they are dating and that's (y/n)s way of dismissing it.” Tubbo said. 

You were listening to the discord call, trying not to laugh, as Tommy suggested, “Well it’s possible they are dating but like, haven’t realized it?” 

Everyone began to laugh, “Wait- wait hear me out! Hear me out! Like- you know when on like romcoms and shit where two bestfriends end up like there dating even when they technically aren’t and then they accidently kiss!” 

George scoffed, “That's not a thing.” 

“Well still!” Tommy tried to argue. 

“Not even in movies though.” Niki said. 

“Your right,” You laughed, unmuting, “We haven’t kissed yet, so it must not be a thing.” 

The vc went deadly silent as Tommy began to laugh hysterically, “Were you here the whole time?” 

“Maybe.” You laughed. 

“Wait- so are you and Karl together or not?” Dream questioned. 

“Uhhh, let you know when I find out? Do I get the money if I figure it out?” 

“Oh my god (y/n).” Tubbo was trying not to laugh himself as Tommy continued to lose his shit. 

“Yeah,” You looked over to where Karl was half asleep, leaning against you, “I’ve said it before, and I guess I’ll say it again, it’s just some unspoken thing.” 

^^

Music filled the apartment when you entered, some old song by Sinatra, and Karl was dancing around the living room as you pulled off your coat and mask. 

“Are you listening to Sinatra?” You questioned, setting the rest of your things down. 

“Come dance with me!” He giggled. 

You rolled your eyes, still smiling as you grabbed his hand, letting the other come to rest on his shoulder, “God, it’s been so long since I’ve dance.” 

“Come on, you remember don’t you?” 

You chuckled, “Back, side, forward, back. Technically this isn’t a waltzing song though.” 

“You can waltz to anything if you try hard enough,” Karl insisted, “Ready, and- one two three, one two three...” 

You fell into step, quietly humming along to the song as you moved in a slow arc around the room.

“..And- spin out...” Karl murmured, gently spinning you out to the side, and you paused for a a moment before he tugged on you arm, causing you to spin back in, finding yourself, face to face with him. 

You laughed nervously, suddenly blushing at the feeling of his arms around you. 

“What are we?” Karl asked softly, “Like, what is- this?” 

“Some unspoken thing.” Your voice was just as low, suddenly the weight of the hand resting on your lower back seeming to double.

He looked at your lips, then back at your eyes, and you nodded softly, leaning in and pressing your lips together. 

Your arms drifted around his waist as he pulled you closer, before you separated, smiling. 

“Does that mean it’s spoken now?” Karl asked. 

You grinned, “Course.” 

Later, after spending the rest of the night like any other you were cuddled up together on the couch, watching the newest episode of survivor, and you pretended not to notice as he gushed to someone through text. 

Your phone began to buzz with  venmo notifications, and Karl looked at you confused, “(y/n), why is everyone paying you?” 

You chuckled, “Reaping the benefits of our friends conspiring in a discord call that was left open.” 

After the kiss you had sent one text to a group chat; ‘I figured it out: pay up bitches.’

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: BRIDGERTON SEASON 2

Oscar season is OVER! Now it’s back to trashy TV! The absolute trashiest show I watch (and that’s staying a lot!) is back: BRIDGERTON!!!! This season is all about eldest brother Anthony, some new love interests, definitely NOT THE DUKE, and also and most importantly: FRAN BRIDGERTON! Much like my review of last season, I will be mainly focusing on the most mysterious member of the Bridgerton family, Francesca, who left for about 98% of last season to learn the pianoforte AND I WISHED I WAS WITH HER. Now she’s back (OR IS SHE?) oh and there are also some wigs. Let’s discuss.

EPISODE 1 - Capital R Rake

OMG LOOK IT’S FRAN!!!!! Right up in front! FRAN! YES! The Bridgertons have (mainly) all gathered for something very exciting on the other side of a door. This show is all about eavesdropping and familial togetherhood so this feels fair. Missing, of course, is Colin who is abroad somewhere and THE DUKE who was banished from this season for being too hot but Disney Daphne is there in a wig that can only be described as “Stockholm Syndrome Era Belle.” Also absent is Demi Moore Bridgerton (Eloise!) because that is what they’re all looking at...

DEMI MOORE IS A DEB YOU GUYS! Dressed as a Toulouse-Lautrec painting minus the absinthe, Demi Moore looks about as pleased as anyone would look if their entire family gathered together to see a giant feather on top of her head. Demi is outtttt this season which means the family is gonna try to marry her off but who are we kidding? This is ANTHONY Bridgerton’s season and Demi isn’t getting hitched anytime soon. BUT WHO WILL ANTHONY MARRY?!?!

THIS HORSE GIRL!!! Her name is Kate Sharma, she LOVES HORSES, hates men, has a backstory of questionable lineage, and a wig of ever changing lengths. ANTHONY IS TOTALLY MARRYING THIS BITCH. I’m here for it and honestly this braided wig isn’t bad.

However, Kate’s wig changes lengths constantly whether in a braid, some tendrils, or an updo. Anyway, she just wants to get her wide-eyed (and very Disneyfied) sister married off (hello love triangle!). Edwina Sharma is basically an Indian DD but without the upsetting bangs? She is very sweet and will 100% have her heart broken somehow. They’re staying with my favorite badass, Lady Danbury, and brought their corgi along with them without asking which is a power move made by absolute kweens. 

Lady Danbury, who always has some long grift going, sees that Kate is definitely onto some con and yes - she is! I guess Kate’s long lost aristocratic grandparents (who will definitely show up later and be totally horrible) have said they’d un-disown them if Edwina marries a gentleman (HM WHAT WILL HAPPEN). Kate obvs doesn’t tell her sister this and Lady Danbury correctly thinks that’s a bad idea. Side note: WHERE DO THESE BITCHES KEEP ALL THESE TIARAS?!

Anyway, Anthony claims he’ll marry whoever the queen’s “diamond” is and of course it’s Edwina and then Kate conveniently overhears him telling his disgusting dude friends who I hope I never see again about how he’s just gonna marry whatever rando whatever who cares and Kate is all HOW DARE YOU!! It is so hysterically obvious that this is all based on The Taming of The Shrew even down to the names and you guys, I can’t. These two assholes are for sure falling in love and adopting like 1000 horses duh. 

FRAN WATCH: THE MOST FRAN EVER YOU GUYS!!! Not only is Fran around for Demi’s big feather reveal but she also accompanies the family to the season debut with the queen or whatever it’s called which Demi gets to skip due to Lady Whistledown existing again. Fran then ACTUALLY PLAYS THE PIANOFORTE so that Demi can learn to dance and I love that this show is trying to make it seem like it was worth it for Fran to miss DD’s wedding to learn a musical instrument but like sure?

EPISODE 2 - Off to the Races

I fully didn’t talk about Pen last episode! I love Pen. She is my Derry Girl and she needs to get more respect from everyone around her when not using her, well, PEN to be Lady Whistedown. But more importantly, Derry Girl needs a better wig!! The budget clearly is improved for season 2 but somehow this wig is just worse!!! HOW IS ANYONE EXPECTED TO THINK THIS IS HAIR?!?!?! Everything about it screams off-brand Merida from Brave and truly she deserves better. Oh also, her entire family (the Cinderella Clan) has a new ruler who absolutely sucks - he’s pompous, selfish, and annoying aka he fits in perfectly. Also her sister now gets to get married. Mazel?

Also! Colin is back to the delight of basically no one except Derry Girl and the younger Bridgertons and yes THAT INCLUDES FRAN. Now that all the Bridgertons have reassembled, it’s time to immediately go to the races as if this wasn’t something they had planned on doing forever. Edwina is paired with some rando dude who seems nice enough and sure maybe marry him and not Anthony. Kate is paired with some dude who has heard of India so they talk about how awful English tea is or something. Both Sharma girls’ wigs are definitely the best of the season. Anthony shows up and is a complete asshole who demands lemonade and it’s discovered that Kate’s date was just a ruse for him to get closer to Edwina. RUDE! Kate is mad but also wins at all the horse races because she knows so much about horses. Also this entire scene is basically straight out of that one scene in My Fair Lady and/or Pretty Woman depending.

Also when all the Bridgerton boys get together they......fence? Seems legit. The creative one (Benedict) still claims to NOT be gay but like sure honey. Also Colin is so insufferable talking about his trip abroad like that one friend you had who studied in Paris and refuses to stop wearing berets. He also is still paying games with Derry Girls’ heart by saying his trip made him realize he was in love with....HIMSELF? Yeah that adds up. Derry Girl, you can do better! 

Meanwhile, Derry Girl is almost found out by her best friend Demi who really is being a detectress about the Lady Whistledown type setting and truly: I wish this show was all about fonts? Anyway...Derry Girl goes to some poor people market to get a new type key and throw Demi off her trail and of course is spotted by everyone’s favorite dress maker, Madame Delacroix!!! To be fair, Derry Girl (using an Irish accent! YES!) is wearing the most RIDICULOUSLY CONSPICUOUS BLUE CAPE TO THIS MARKET! She’s legit dressed like OG Cinderella’s fairy godmother and is like: wait how did I get spotted amongst the unwashed in this very fancy baby blue satin cape?!?! CHOICES PEOPLE.

Speaking of important life choices through fashion, Demi wore THIS HAT to the races! CAN YOU EVEN?!?!?! WHAT CENTURY IS IT?? I also really don’t understand what they’re doing with this wig which is just sitting there and would never be allowed but Demi doesn’t know what she’s doing either because she goes to the printing press to try to uncover Lady Whistledown and is super rude to a printing dude there who is also a lowgrade suffragist and wow these two are definitely gonna bone. 

FRAN WATCH: NEVER ENOUGH FRAN!! Despite being semi excited to see Colin, Fran was not featured enough in this episode. I DEMAND MORE PIANOFORTE! EARN IT GIRL!

EPISODE 3 - A Bee In Your Bonnet

We begin with a decade old flashblack! Anthony is a teenager and has...REDDISH HIGHLIGHTS?!?! I don’t know what games this hair is trying to play with my heart but this flashback is playing with all our hearts because it shows how Viscount Bridgerton died and do you remember crying at My Girl? WELL. Get yourself an epipen and stay away from the bees, y’all! 

Back in present times, DD and HER BABY are back but definitely NOT THE DUKE NEVER THE DUKE. FRAN IS THERE!! She tells Eloise to hold DD’s baby! Eloise does not want to! FRAN LOVES THE BABY! YAY FOR FRAN! Boo for DD’s weird bangs still.

The whole Bridgerton family is off to their country estate and if you’re wondering why they don’t live here ALL THE TIME the answer is definitely: BEE GHOSTS. Anthony is HAUNTED through this episode by his dad’s bee death and sadder still his mom’s depression and near death during childbirth which was somehow left up to him as teenage viscount. Olde Times were ROUGH you guys. Also rough? DEMI’S WIG!! I don’t know why this is a wig (the actress’s hair is similar) or why it’s allowed to be down or why anything but whatever - let’s all play some really intense version of croquet?

This episode spends A LOT of time explaining the rules of Pall Mall which is like croquet but EXTREME and the Bridgertons are totally that family who would play extreme frisbee or whatever if they were around now. Sporty families, man. UGH. DD is there SANS THE DUKE and her wig is as unacceptable as his absence. The Sharma girls remain with the best wigs of the season. Also of course, Kate’s pall mall ball goes into the forest and she and Antony basically take a mud bath which is the second most erotic secret forest mud bath this side of The Power of the Dog. It’s all sexy until they uncover Anthony’s dad’s grave. BEE GHOSTS GET YOU EVERY TIME. 

I really lost track of how many times these assholes almost kissed in this episode but the most insane one was when Kate gets stung by a bee and Anthony has a panic attack about it (MAKES SENSE!) and then she puts his hand on her heaving breast and you guys...THIS SHOW. They still haven’t kissed. And Anthony still hasn’t explained how he got rid of his teenage red highlights.

Meanwhile, the creative one wants to go to art school (SURE HENNY!) and in a series of scenes in which this show attempts to be...”funny” (???) he takes mushroom (?) tea supplied by Colin’s stupid overseas travels and trips his balls off and everyone is just like SHRUG that’s our creative brother for you! AND THIS CHARACTER IS HIGH ON TEA AND YOU’RE TELLING ME HE’S NOT GAY?!?!? He got into art school though so let’s see where this goes.

ANYWAY! Derry Girl and Madame Delacroix, now aware of all the Lady Whistledown secrets, form a super cool business lady club where they help each other and I’ve never been so excited about business lady specials since Romy & Michele you guys. 

FRAN WATCH: STILL NOT ENOUGH FRAN! Sure, she’s excited to be an auntie to a very cute baby and shame Demi for not liking children but WHY COULDN’T SHE PLAY PALL MALL?!?!?! JUSTICE FOR FRAN!

EPISODE 4 - Victory

I really haven’t spoken enough about how awful the Cinderella Clan’s wigs are ALWAYS but honestly all of their red wigs hurt my eyes so I’d rather see and discuss them as little as possible. But their current situation is: POVERTY! And by that I mean: they have but ONE servant. Peasants!! In order to improve their situation, mama Featherington has decided to marry her non-Derry Girl daughter off to THEIR COUSIN WHO LIVES WITH THEM. Complicating matters is of course: CRESSIDA! Cressida who ALWAYS has a stink face. Cressida who always has a wig that looks like a Maury episode of weave wars. Cressida who will ALWAYS be the other woman. Cressida who has the audacity to be named CRESSIDA. MAY SHE NEVER CHANGE.

MEANWHILE, the Bridgertons are now hosting like all of London at their fancy countryside mansion which is definitely still haunted by BEE GHOSTS. All the dudes get to go on a cool hunting expedition and of course, horse girl Kate wants in on the action. The patriarchy says NO but then kind of shrug I guess AS LONG AS YOU BRING YOUR LADYMAID WHO CANNOT WALK THROUGH A FOREST. Obviously, this leads to ample opportunities for Kate and Anthony to almost kiss but more importantly leads to Kate wearing the SHIT OUT OF THIS HAT.

Whilst in the country, Colin decides to pay a visit on his long lost secret ex-fiance that he is still pining after: Marina who is now a fancy aristocrat with a nice husband and TWINS. Mazel! When her husband comes home, he and Colin literally start talking about OLIVE TREES just like two insufferable Euro bros would and this gives Colin the opportunity to tell Marina he’s still not over her. Marina, who you may recall came to this show pregnant, then had to live with the awful Cinderella Clan who almost married her off to the worst dudes in London, then her lover died, then she almost had to marry Colin and then was last minute married to her lover’s brother has honestly DONE PRETTY WELL FOR HERSELF CONSIDERING has ZERO time for Colin’s fee-fees. GOOD FOR YOU, MARINA!! LITERALLY GET OVER YOURSELF COLIN AND GO BACK TO GREECE NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOU HERE!!!!

Well I guess except Derry Girl who is still pining over this loser and still has the worst wig on this show. Truly: get this chick a better wig!!! ALSO WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO DANCE WITH HER?!?! Demi is forced to dance with some rando who she burns immediately but I guess no one is dancing with her because of her terrible family’s plan to marry her sister off with her cousin. Which actually turns into an engagement of nonsense in an ORANGERIE!!! I want all bad marriage proposals to happen near citrus fruit because at least no one will get scurvy. Joke is definitely on the Cinderella Clan because the cousin is actually poor and needed Cressida’s weave war money but oh well: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ORANGERIE DOESN’T STAY IN THE ORANGERIE. D’oops!

Back on the dance floor, these assholes STILL. HAVE. NOT. KISSED. I really don’t know what games they are playing with us but Kate’s wig is definitely getting the tendril treatment and despite being one of the better wigs on this series, still is all over the place with how long it wants us to think her real hair is. After the ball, Anthony confides to Kate about all the BEE GHOSTS and her hair is in this messy braid that is definitely 50% longer than the wig above would lead us to believe. More unbelievable: THEY STILL HAVEN’T KISSED AND SHE’S LIKE JUST MARRY MY SISTER. Disaster!

The episode ends with an actual proposal! Kate’s face says it all: THIS IS SO STUPID!! Also her wig is looking not that great here but I think this wig realizes just how dumb this proposal is.

FRAN WATCH: ZERO FRANS!!!!! Even with the entire Bridgerton clan (INCLUDING DD) on the front steps as this stupid engagement happens. WHERE IS FRAN?!?!! FRAN KNOWS HOW STUPID THIS ALL IS! TAKE ME WITH YOU, FRAN!

EPISODE 5 - An Unthinkable Fate

I realize that I haven’t talked about the queen’s insane wigs at all. This is because we know them to be wigs within the narrative of the show and I am only concerned with wigs trying to pass themselves off as real hair. Still, these wigs are elaborate and fabulous (THERE IS EVEN A BLUE ONE YOU GUYS) and befitting a real queen (drag or otherwise). Clearly the entire wig budget went to her and honestly: spare some $$ for Derry Girl please!

I mean spare some money for any of the Cinderella Clan? No really: they need money and not just for wigs! Due to the orangerie proposal, they are now moving forward with just marrying this sister off to her cousin so they can keep their house but have NO MONEY FOR UGLY DRESSES. It should be noted that the cousin is also a ruby con artist (SURE!) and their plot this week involves deciding to pass off fake rubies to make some coin and nothing has ever been more on brand for these idiots. ALSO! We meet the cake-hungry jeweler who is terrible at overhearing all of Kate and Anthony’s discussion of engagements because FREE CAKE (and truly: priorities). 

Meanwhile, in other money making schemes: the boxer from last season has now retired into...owning a gentleman’s club? That caters specifically to artsy bros aka Colin and Benedict Bridgerton? I mean: get that money, honey but this feels absolutely not sustainable in just decanter fees alone.

As for the creative Bridgerton, he has begun art school and it is SO NOT HOMOSEXUAL ENOUGH. Despite wearing the most insane ascots, he is titillated by, well, tits and begins a really boring romance with the FEMALE nude model for the school who is also a budding art student herself. I realize that he had sex with women last season (Madame Delacroix!) but I am super disappointed in how not gay this storyline is. BOO!

In other boring cisgender romance storylines, Demi might have found herself a boyfriend!! As foretold in the episode where she is guided by typekey fonts, she goes to a suffrage meeting with that printer guy!!! He is very cute and this is 100% the same as the Downton Abbey season where Sybil falls in love with Tom and I really hope this doesn’t end with anyone getting preeclampsia. It does so far end with Demi lying to Derry Girl about her whereabouts but to be fair, Derry Girl has been lying to Demi this entire time about not being Lady Whistledown. SECRETS DON’T MAKE FRIENDS!

AAaaanyway, over at some boat races or whatever, Kate and Anthony get into some quarrel that ends with ANTHONY IN A WET TSHIRT JUST LIKE COLIN FIRTH IN BOTH PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ALSO BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY. EMERGENCY YOU GUYS THIS IS THE ONLY IMPORTANT TRIBUTE THIS SHOW HAS EVER MADE. Excellent work!!

Oh wait there’s actually more of this episode!! Kate’s long grift this entire season has been to get a secret dowry from her horrible grandparents who disinherited her father long ago BUT they said she could only get some coin if Edwina married a gentleman. She obvs didn’t tell her sister any of this despite all of Lady Danbury’s warnings and then they come to dinner and it’s as awful as you might imagine. The grandad is played by the dude who also plays an asshole in Ted Lasso and *chef’s kiss* casting, you guys. Of course, they tell everyone about the whole dowry requirement and Anthony defends Edwina and despite this being a PERFECT OUT of this whole stupid engagement (AND ALSO BECAUSE THEY FINALLY ADMIT THEY ARE HOT FOR EACH OTHER WITHOUT ACTUALLY KISSING), Kate (in her messy long braid wig!) tells Anthony (and some horses) that he must marry Edwina so that she won’t be heartbroken. QUICK GET EDWINA ANOTHER DUDE STAT! DISASTER! 

FRAN WATCH: NO FRANS!!! WHERE IS FRAN?!?!?!

EPISODE 6 - The Choice

Welp...here we are guys! Wedding of the season! The Queen has some new wigs, some new peacocks, and A TON OF COCAINE. What could go wrong?!?!? The Bridgertons and Sharmas are just going along as if this farce of a wedding is actually going to happen and oy vey. The only voice of reason comes in the form of DD (SANS DUKE EVEN AT A FAMILY WEDDING ARE YOU KIDDING ME). DD and her stupid bangs tell Anthony to follow his heart just moments before the wedding. WHAT IS HE GONNG DO? Meanwhile, Kate (in a braid honestly too close to the scalp) offers Edwina (in a pretty nice wig!) some bracelets owned by her mother and Edwina is all: no you keep them! Her fate is now sealed forever because we all know that JEWELRY WILL CURSE YOU FOREVER.

The jewelry curse is in effect basically IMMEDIATELY when Kate drops one of the bracelets, Anthony fetches it for her, and Edwina is FINALLY all: WAIT MY SISTER AND MY FIANCE ARE IN LOVE? ON THE ALTER YOU GUYS! She storms out, the wedding guests are shook, literal fireworks go off, and society and this tv show both simultaneously implode. 

The Queen, who has bought herself MATCHING WIGS WITH HER LADIES IN WAITING is PISSED. Mama Bridgerton, Mama Sharma, And Lady Danbury have no clue what to do and everyone just sort of lets Edwina decide if she should get married which is definitely the ONLY TIME A WOMAN HAS DECIDED HER MARITAL FATE ON THIS SHOW. In what should probably have taken 5 minutes, the rest of this episode descends into madness while Edwina takes HOURS to make this choice. Meanwhile, Anthony stares into the middle distance, likely haunted by BEE GHOSTS and Kate cries IN A PUNCH BOWL CLOSET I’M NOT KIDDING!!! Legit question: did I miss a writers’ strike because it really felt like NO ONE WROTE THIS EPISODE.

The wedding guests at some point decide to leave the church and wander indeterminably around the palace gardens, avoiding peacocks and allowing society to crumble around them. Was there an actual wedding planner besides the queen? Will some bitch with a clipboard ever tell them the wedding is still on or nah? Everyone is just losing their minds: Mama Featherington and the new Lord Featherington are FLIRTING despite him being betrothed to her daughter, being mean to that wrestler dude, and trying to pass fake jewels to rich assholes! Cressida has a new and insane weave! Colin is drinking champagne and being nice to Derry Girl (TOO LATE DUDE!) Anthony’s shitty friends are back! And most insultingly, Demi betrays her own Bechdel Test by ONLY talking about that printing press dude who I will now be referring to as NEWSIE based on my love of the movie Newsies and not his actual profession. Demi wisely leaves with her bangs AND TENDRILS (huh?!) to see if Newsie is in LIKE with her and yes he is because he gave her some dusty old books and these two are as good as married now.

JK JK no one is getting married! Or are they?!?! Time still doesn’t exist and neither do wedding rules: THEY START SERVING WEDDING CAKE DESPITE NO WEDDING! WTF!! I tried to use this as a hint that our favorite cake-hungry jeweler would show up and save the day by suggesting that if Kate and Edwina have the same ring size, they probably have the same dress size so just: SWITCH DRESSES AND LET’S HAVE A WEDDING! (This did not happen). I’d like to point out that in 50% of screwball comedies (see: The Philadelphia Story), messed up weddings are usually fixed by interchangeable brides and grooms because wasting a wedding is stupid. BUT SO IS THIS SHOW! And it is far from a screwball comedy - it is just an endless tragedy and even Mama Bridgerton and Lady Danbury, racked with guilt and updos, don’t know what to do but just laugh LAUGH AND LAUGH (YES REALLY WHAT IS HAPPENING!)

Edwina finally decides not to marry Anthony (DUH) and NO ONE POINTS OUT THAT KATE SHOULD JUST MARRY HIM INSTEAD! THEY ARE SERIOUSLY WASTING A WEDDING! THESE TWO ASSHOLES WILL GET HITCHED ANYWAY! THE WASTE AND THE DECADENCE I CAN’T!! Everyone just sort of shrugs and leaves including Mama Bridgerton and DD and her insufferable bangs!

Inside the church, these two assholes FINALLY KISS while society as we know it crumbles outside. WHATEVER!!!

FRAN WATCH: NO FRIGGIN FRANS!! AT HER BROTHER’S WEDDING! I finally actually googled what is going on with this and apparently the chick who plays Fran actually had another tv gig and is only in the first 3 episodes. This will not stop me from 1) bemoaning her absence and 2) bemoaning the fact that this show had the audacity to not even excuse her absence with some lame pianoforte sabbatical! There legit must have been a writers’ strike I missed, right??!?!

EPISODE 7 - Harmony

Well the world is continuing to spin even though everyone just ruined 1) Edwina’s heart and 2) a perfectly good wedding. There is some really dodgy footage of Kate and Anthony definitely masturbating to the idea of once kissing and yuck!!!

And then! The Bridgertons are all sitting around (SANS FRAN) and decide the only reasonable thing to do is: PROMENADE!!! And the promenade proves that the Sharmas and the Bridgertons are complete social outcasts. Now the Sharmas, Lady Danbury, and the Bridgertons are all just hanging out like: WHAT DO WE DO NOW TO MAINTAIN SOCIETY?? Kate’s wig is like...meh whatever but her dog suddenly is into Anthony! And Edwina is all: WHOA YOU GUYS ARE IN LOVE PLEASE DON’T MAKE OUT LITERALLY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!

Meanwhile, the gay one who is NOT GAY is I guess just super bougie? AND ALSO HAS A DRUG PROBLEM MAYBE?!?!! Anthony DOES NOT APPROVE and hard same but like the Bridgertons can only handle one scandal at a time? Oh except now Colin might invest in the Cinderella Clan’s fake ruby mines (OF COURSE UGH COLIN) and the Queen essentially told Demi that she’s going to murder her if she doesn’t admit she’s Lady Whistledown oh and also everyone hates the Bridgertons because of the failed wedding. DISASTER!

My two very favorite businessladies meet next to the coziest fireplace this side of Yellowjackets and talk about what they’re gonna do about the whole Queen threatening Demi thing. Madame Delacroix in ringlets too magical to be true suggests that Derry Girl print something bad about Demi that she would never say about herself (excellent idea, awful consequences!) Derry Girls’ wig has smoothed out in a way that is really trying to be The Little Mermaid and bitch knows what she has to do: DESTROY DEMI!!! 

Meanwhile, the Sharmas, Bridgertons and Lady Danbury (who I’m just gonna call Eartha Kitt now - I mean come on) decide the way to fix their societal issues is to: THROW A BALL!!! THE THEME IS LITERALLY HARMONY AND NO I’M NOT KIDDING!! No one shows up because the one thing people like more than wasting a perfectly good wedding is wasting a perfectly good ball. And then Anthony solves everything by just DANCING!!! It has come to my attention that Jonathan Bailey is actually gay (HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS) and clearly took a lesson from the Rupert Everett school: there may not be love, there might not be sex....BUT BY GOD THERE WILL BE DANCING!!!! It is all a total hodown until Lady Whistledown publishes that Demi is a trashy minx who is carrying on UNCHAPERONED! MY PEARLS!!! 

SPEAKING OF UNCHAPERONED!! Kate and Anthony meet undera Wisteria laden, candlelit, throw pillowed sex gazebo....and....THEY. HAVE. SEX. 

IN AN OPEN AIR SEX GAZEBO!

YOU GUYS!! THE FEATHERINGTON BITCH GOT ENGAGED JUST FOR BEING IN AN ORANGERIE SOMEWHAT NEAR HER COUSIN.

THIS SHOW IS BANANAS!!!!!!

AND THEN! Anthony wakes up in the same sex gazebo (HE SLEPT THERE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!) to obviously find NO KATE because, well, she has common sense?!

Take it back - she has common sense UNTIL she decides to punish (?) herself for premarital gazebo sex by riding her horse in the rain and then Anthony chases after her and then HER HORSE THROWS HER! IN THE RAIN! I know this show is trying to be Pride and Prejudice but now it’s trying to be Sense and Sensibility too? 

FRAN WATCH: NO FRIGGIN FRANS!!! This show had the common decency to tell us that DD’s son “had a cough” thus why she and the Duke had to miss the Harmony Ball but WHERE IS FRAN’S EXCUSE?! Hyacinth was forced to play the pianoforte instead! THE HELL, FRAN?!?!?!

EPISODE 8 - The Viscount Who Loved Me

HERE WE ARE! THE LAST EPISODE! We did it! And so did Kate and Anthony and now Kate is in a coma out of sex gazebo horse girl guilt. And truly: EXCUSE HER GLAMOUR. As in: there is absolutely no excuse for the gorgeous glamour of this woman whilst in an actual coma. HOW DARE SHE. Her glorious locks have never looked better. A week goes by, Anthony doesn’t visit her out of moral obligations (?) and finally Edwina just kind of talks her out of the coma and she comes to with absolutely no visible wounds or neurological damage and literally the first thing she asks is: DID ANTHONY VISIT ME. The answer is no so FUCK HIM!!!! He does then visit her with tulips (TULIPS!!!) and asks her to marry her but she says no because she thinks it’s out of obligation and OMG YOU GUYS WE’RE ON THE FINAL EPISODE GET IT TOGETHER.

Ok they get it together kind of immediately because the Cinderella Clan are having a ball to celebrate their fake ruby pyramid scheme and Edwina and Kate make up and dance together because screw society!!! I love how much dancing just sort of fixes everything in this show the last two episodes. The hair on these two is...fine? Anyway, Kate and Anthony then dance and everyone is like SCANDAL but then the Queen says she likes the pairing so everyone falls in line. She also suggests Edwina marry her nephew the prince (remember him?) and I approve of this pairing of two sorta boring but nice people. 

OH AND CRESSIDA is in her most extreme weave war to date. LOOK AT THIS WIG!!!! HOW IS THIS LEGAL?!?! Also not legal: that whole ruby pyramid scheme which Colin points out to everyone thanks to the intel he got from that boxer dude and the whole Cinderella Clan go into crisis mode.

The stupid new Lord Featherington tells Mama Featherington, in a wig that can only be described as Hello, Dolly! meets Marie Antoinette that they should run away to the Americas together and in the first (and I’m sure last) time I will ever respect her, Mama Featherington is like: NOPE BYE I CHOOSE MY DAUGHTERS AND NOT YOU BUT GIVE ME SOME MONEY BYEEEEE. Well played. And goodbye forever, Lord Featherington. We hardly knew ye, and yet that was still too long.

In far more heartbreaking Cinderella Clan news, Derry Girl and Demi have a fight!!!! Derry Girl had warned Demi about seeing Newsie because of the SCANDAL of it all (and also to hide her identity as Lady Whistledown) but then decides to basically clue her in to how much she knows about gossip! Demi is catching on and all I can think about is Derry Girl’s new wig which is somehow in a braided CHINGON as if she’s eating Breakfast at Tiffanys and WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART WITH THIS WIG?!

Many more games are played with our heart with these two and it’s kind of the only breakup I’ve ever cared about in this show. Demi discovers all of Derry Girl’s secret floorboard gossip columns and they hiss at each other and it’s all really sad. So is Demi’s wig!! Unacceptable!

Meanwhile we have 10 minutes left in the show and the pace of loose ends is running at breakneck speed because we wasted so much time on that stupid slow moving wedding episode and now THERE. IS. TOO. MUCH. HAPPENING. Everyone goes outside because Mama Featherington promised them a surprise. Derry Girl is all excited to maybe have Colin FINALLY profess his love to her but of course, Anthony’s smarmy friends reemerge and she overhears him telling them that he could never love her. I HATE YOU, COLIN! YOU CAN DO BETTER, DERRY GIRL! 

Meanwhile, Benedict is wearing the most insane ascot/neckerchief and still claiming to not be gay (SURE!) and is pissed at Anthony for paying his way into art school and is gonna quit which is the biggest waste of money since that wasted ball and that wasted wedding both in this season. DECADENCE! The decadence keeps coming in the form of FIREWORKS mere seconds after Kate and Anthony FINALLY ADMIT THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER AND BECOME BETROTHED. PHEW!

Also Colin vaguely redeems himself by bringing all the smarmy bros to the boxer dude’s gentlemen’s club which is a great solid since he did save everyone from financial ruby ruin but now he has to serve drinks to total assholes. I guess it’s a living! 

In the end, these two assholes have sex and we see some lady parts and they’re married and LATE to a family game of PALL MALL (THIS STUPID GAME!) and Kate has a really intense french braid which isn’t as intense as the PDA they display in front of BOTH OF THEIR FAMILIES! OK? HAPPILY EVER AFTER JUST WATCH OUT FOR THE BEE GHOSTS.

FRAN WATCH: NO FRANS. ZERO FRANS. ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO FRANS!!!!! The Duke is also not there, though his kid is walking and DD is around to play pall mall. BUT WHO WILL PLAY THE PIANOFORTE FOR ANYONE!! I DEMAND MORE FRANS NEXT SEASON! HARRUMPH!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ