#i guess i could just be exploring my gender expression

[butchgodot]

im having. thoughts.

[algae-tm]

PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS

Max Verstappen x anthropologist! Reader

Author’s note : this smau has a special place in my heart, if you haven’t noticed I’m not Caucasian, but was born and raised in Nigeria and a lot of my university life has been centred around studies of the black diaspora. My masters research is on homosexuality and Afro-syncretic religions, so have been trying to figure out how to incorporate it so thought I’d go full send and thus this was borne.

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peopleplacesthings just posted

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peopleplacesthings: I spent three years (give or take) with the people of the Bahia state in Brasil, researching the afro-syncretic religion of Candomblé. My research paper on the gender roles within Candomblé (how men express masculinity, and the role of women as spiritual leaders) will be published online where everyone will be able to access it. Can’t wait to see where the world takes me next!! 🌎🇧🇷

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yourbsfuser: y/n baby I love you and your big brain, but please take a sabbatical 😭. stay in the UK for a while.

— peopleplacesthings: what’s in it for me? 🤨

— yourbsfuser: seeing your family and friends???

— peopleplacesthings: sorry gotta blast, the world is waiting 🏃🏿‍♀️

user10: your masters research on the linguistic appropriation of AAVE was vital for me completing my dissertation! Thank you so much

— peopleplacesthings: passing down knowledge is the key to preserving culture! I love when I get comments like this, well done my love.

lewishamilton: so you’re free now?

— peopleplacesthings: until my next adventure

— lewishamilton: good to know

— user10: not SIR LEWIS HAMILTON in my old TA’s comment section

— user7: IK 😭 she was a guest lecturer at my uni like one month ago! Really my two worlds colliding 😭😭

— user8: how do they know eachother???

— user9: I’m guessing they must have met one of the times Lewis was in Brazil??

— peopleplacesthings: he is my cousin! he’s much older and way less attractive than me so that’s probs why you couldn’t see the family resemblance🙂🙂

yoursisteruser: 2 back to back research papers… you could use a break from work

— peopleplacesthings: it’s not work if you love what you do 🤗🤗

— user17: 2 research papers??? How old is she?

— user19: she’s actually done 3! One for her masters which was only 15,000 words and then 2 more, her 2nd was for her PhD and she’s published her last two as books. She’s 28 if I’m not mistaken. I’m not a stalker just obsessed with her work!

— user17: oh so she’s SMART smart

— user19: bro she’s DOCTORATE OF ANTHROPOLOGY smart

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peopleplacesthings just posted

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peopleplacesthings: I can check getting papped reading in the park off my bucket list… maybe I should start a book club! Anyways everything is a learning opportunity so I am currently reading Nervous Conditions by Tsitsi Dangarembga. Don’t be so surprised that I read fiction! Nervous Conditions is a valuable case study in cultural anthropology due to its rich exploration of themes related to post-colonial identity, gender, and cultural conflict. If you take my post-colonial anthropology module in September, this will definitely be on the further reading list. Come read with me! 📚 📚

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user1: are we sure this is the woman max is dating…

— user3: I was just wondering that, so out of left field 😭 😭

— user4: I mean what do they even have to talk about? She just lectures him all day?

lewishamilton: how can I take your class if I’m not enrolled in the university?? 🤨🤨

— peopleplacesthings: you can’t! Hope this helps

— user5: jeez she’s so rude…

— user9: who does she think she is????

— peopleplacesthings: Dr. Y/n Y/ln that’s who I know I am

user11: so is anthropology all she talks about, or does she have hobbies…

— peopleplacesthings: I happen to think my field of anthropology; the study of societies, people and culture, is quite interesting. But no I am a person I contain multitudes anthropology is not all I talk about.

user6: not y’all invalidating a woman with a literal doctorate just because she MIGHT be dating your fav… pls touch grass

— user13: that’s what I’m saying! If anything she’s WAY out of Max’s league, hasn’t he only ever read like 2 books?? (liked by danielricciardo)

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peopleplacesthings just posted

liked by maxverstappen1, danielricciardo, lewishamilton and 100,00 others

peopleplacesthings: We DTR’ed!!

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lewishamilton: DTR?

— peopleplacesthings: Define the Relationship apparently

— lewishamilton: my how the tables have turned, miss I don’t date drivers.

— peopleplacesthings: DR* I don’t date drivers. And what can I say my commitment issues are no match for Max Verstappen

danielricciardo: you’re welcome!

— user4: what could you possible have done

— danielricciardo: I told max to grow some balls that’s what! I’m the architect of this relationship

— peopleplacesthings: you and Lewis can fight over that title

maxverstappen1: WE DTR’ED!!!!

— peopleplacesthings: hell yeah we did!

maxverstappen1: I love you schat ❤️💙

— peopleplacesthings: 🥹 I love you too

you doofus

maxverstappen1 just posted

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maxverstappen1: Did it hurt when you fell from your culture’s dogmatic view of an afterlife?

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peopleplacesthings: I think that’s the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me

— maxverstappen1: there’s more where that came from

— peopleplacesthings: oh shucks not in public maxie

— danielricciardo: this is the weirdest foreplay I’ve ever witnessed

user14: how did a man that drives in circles manage to bag my anthro professor??

— user16: shouldn’t that be the other way round???

— user14: if you ever attended one of her lectures and saw her in action you would know the answer to that question is absolutely not (liked by maxverstappen1)

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[a-bit-of-a-queer-one]

I loved Wild Blue Yonder, I thought it was a great episode. But if I see one more person proclaiming that the Doctor saying Isaac Newton was "hot" made the character "finally queer", I'm gonna set fire to sth.

For one thing, since they changed into a woman, the Doctor has, depending on one's definition, been canonically genderfluid/trans/nonbinary/genderqueer. That was made even more explicit last week in Star Beast. So saying that the Doctor as played by a man and using he/him pronouns calling a man "hot" somehow made the character queer is stupid in and of itself.

And secondly, the Doctor has long been regarded as aro and ace-coded by people of those communities and guess what? Aro and ace people really do exist and we are queer. And it would be lovely if other queer people could stop excluding us by saying that characters who provide what little, mostly accidental and incidental representation we get "become queer" by expressing same-sex attraction. It happened with Good Omens and it seems to be happening again with Doctor Who and I am so fucking tired of it

Edit (6th Dec 2023): Several people have pointed out in the notes that there have been quite a few instances of the Doctor ambiguously or indeed unambiguously expressing 'same-sex' attraction and exploring their gender identity/identities in the past, both in the show and in extended media. I just wanted to be absolutely clear on the fact that I was in way trying to diminish the importance of those moments by emphasing the aspect of asexuality and aromanticism in my post. That is not to say that I think anyone was implying that I was doing that, in fact everyone's been lovely (which is why I also wanted to thank everyone for their input, I learnt a lot, especially about the novels!!)

Of course, as an asexual, aromantic and agender/nonbinary person, that is the lens through which I watch the show and relate to the character of the Doctor. This does not make my reading of them any more or less valid than anyone else's. In fact, I absolutely love the fact that the Doctor is a character who speaks to people of so many different queer identities and I am so happy that RTD is exploring their queerness more explicitly, building on what he and so many other writers and also the actors have already established. I just hope that the fandom will respect the aro and ace aspects of the Doctor's queerness the same way they do their gender identities and other sexual and romantic orientations. Part of the reason I was initially quite worried about this was because of my experiences in the Good Omens fandom, particularly post series 2, as indicated in my original post. The other is that I doubt the show will explore the aro and ace aspects of the character as much as they may other queer identities - unfortunately aspecs have a history of being left behind in this regard...

But we will see, maybe I'll be proved wrong! For the time being, I just hope the queer community can celebrate all the different facets of the Doctor's undeniable queerness, including the aspec ones. And as the reactions to this post have been overwhelmingly supportive (I don't think I've seen a single outright negative response), I think this hope is far from unfounded.

(Sorry, this edit turned out to be longer than the original post...)

[plaidos]

Same anon here. I guess overall i just wish i could not have a gender and not ever be associated with a gender but thats not really possible so the closest thing seems like not adressing it? I think the main thing was just... i wasnt sure if it made sense to say im dysphoric about never being able to just kinda not ever be perceived as a gender when that just seems like.. a fact of life? Like, you cant pass as not having a gender, so there isnt an end goal

But also thanks, you gave me a bunch to think about, truly. I think maybe its worth it to explore it a bit more, even if just online

i need you to know that you can absolutely modify your gender expression in a way that gives “i don’t have a gender”. you can’t control how people perceive you beyond the things you can change about yourself (like for example your name, pronouns, clothes, HRT etc)

“not addressing it” is literally the only thing that could keep you the furthest away from realising that.

what you’re describing is repressing. could you imagine how tragic it would be if ten years ago my journey ended with deciding i should just not think about my gender, that it would just be easier to be a normal cis guy? do you think i would be happy now? do you think i would even be here?

my DMs are open to talk about this. i have other suggestions & solutions, but i don’t know how meaningful or helpful they would be to you whilst putting you on blast over anon iygm

[stormblessed95]

So I just had some thoughts about the minimoni exchange that I really needed to share - their relationship is so cute. There was one thing that I'm confused about and I wanted to know if it was just me lol, and that's the narrative Jimin was telling about how Muse came about. That Pdogg asked him what his thoughts are, and Jimin said he's been feeling a lot of apathy lately (I'm paraphrasing here cause I can't remember the words!).

Then he went straight into talking about how the album is about having a crush, but he said he can't remember the last time he had a crush. And he had to have help from a younger producer to talk about what a crush was like. He didn't really go into why he wrote an album about having a crush when he said he can't remember the last time, just that he's been feeling not much excitement lately. He even explained this albums emotions as "vague." If I could go into depth about it, my interpretation (could be completely wrong) is that it's an explanation of coming to terms with his sexuality, that the expectation that he fall in love with women but no matter how many relationships with women he's had he just can't find the one. Until JK comes along....

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place 😂😂. I just wanted to know if someone also found it confusing or it's just my ADHD brain!

Hello my love! I'm probably going to use your ask to talk about Muse as a whole I think. Hope that's okay ❤️ I'll make other posts for the songs individually if I have more I want to say in depth about specific songs.... Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and theories too! I love them!

My thoughts and feelings about Muse as a whole below the photo 💜 disclaimer that these are just my thoughts and opinions. I am in no way claiming this as fact or truth and unless I'm quoting something, these are all my own words. Everyone is entitled to agree or disagree as they see fit.

This will be a longer post.... So strap in I guess!

SO! To start, Pdogg shared with us that Jimins album/SMGB was in part inspired by the Beatles conceptual album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." He said, and I quote:

"It was inspired by a conceptual album like the Beatles' 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.' And I tried to incorporate the excitement I felt when thinking of Muse into the songs. The flow of emotions is directly reflected in the track order, so it will be more fun if you focus on that."

Intro: Rebirth and Interlude: Showtime is what gives that connection and crossover from FACE, with its sound and chorus use, into the new concept and album I believe. Which Jimin has explicitly stated that Muse is not connected with FACE really at all. But that does give its connection and crossover from those first 2 songs. So you could EASILY listen to them back to back and find it flows smoothly from one sound into another!

Face is clearly about introspection, facing oneself, that vulnerability and overcoming that pain. It's about freeing yourself. Muse seems to be conceptually about finally feeling free enough to pursue that prospect of love and being open to those feelings. It was brought up by Minseong Kim, his performance director, in VMagazine that (I'm paraphrasing) they basically were focusing more on his masculine side and expressions for Who and in Muse. While in Face, Jimin showcased more of his vulnerabilities and his more feminine side and expressions. Specifically seeking out that contrast. Full interview here:

Now I don't know about you ... But it's giving gender. And I love that. It's not something new for Jimin, he leans into that contrast within himself alot. It's really giving gender fluidity. And I think that's on purpose. Jimin doesn't do things by accident. He thinks through everything and Jimin is in charge at the end for his projects. And considering how OFTEN this concept of *both*, of feminine and masculine, comes up in Jimins personal projects/stages, it's clearly something important to him that he wants to be highlighted.

Jimin absolutely had full control over the stories he wanted to tell in each song, even Who, where he didn't have full writing credits. He explained the thoughts, feelings and ideas he was wanting to express. We saw him in the behind scenes of things having direct input on his songs, the MV, and creating his own choreo. The Talent 😍 we were specifically told that Jimin "directly explained to them what he wanted to convey and the direction he wanted to take for this album and each song. This allowed us to put together tracks that are more musically diverse, but still feel right for him." Quote comes from an interview article from the Clash here

Similarly shared in another article, Pdogg said "We made it with Jon Bellion in New York. I remember Jimin personally explaining to him what story he wanted to tell, and he was really embarrassed/shy. I met Jimmy Fallon by chance in the studio next door. We played the song for him for the first time after we finished working on it. In fact After finishing work on the 'FACE' album, we went straight into the production of 'MUSE' and I thought, 'He's working this hard before his military enlistment?' Thanks to Jimin's hard work, you'll be able to see his musical journey, which has grown even more." From here

Okay, now that we got all those interview snippets out of the way from Jimins team.... We can get into more of Jimins words and my own thoughts/theories here too.... 😏🥰 But we like to work theories off facts, so we gotta get our base line!

Jimin finished recording his album in June of 2023.

Jimin stated in MMM that the first 5 songs in his album were basically the emotions related to having a crush and confessing your feelings. That would be:

Intro: Rebirth

Interlude: Showtime

SGMB

Slow Dance

Be Mine

And then the 6th track, Who, he takes it all back and is like no, that's not really true. Where he also lets us know that there really isn't a connection to FACE in the grand scheme of things.

To start with the title too.... Who are the Muses? The Greek Goddesses of artistic inspiration. Jimin has been drawing from Greek Mythology a lot recently, with Apollo and Artemis featuring in his photofolio too. Now while the basics premise of a Muse is and can be very romantic in nature, it isn't always. Jimins album Muse is inherently full of romantic songs, but I also think it's clear from his talk on MMM that this album is not JUST about looking for your run of the mill, romantic relationship and love.... But being in search of your passion, your heart and your desires. It's the expression of yearning. Yearning for love, for life, for his music, his work, his Identity as a person and an artist, to feel excited over something and look forward to something. He specially says to RM during MMM that he isn't sure if he will ever be satisfied with himself as an artist or find a version of himself that he is fully satisfied with (I'm paraphrasing). It's the idea that this search for his Muse (that satisfaction in himself and as an artist) is ongoing and probably will FOREVER be ongoing. Hence why in the end of the Who MV, after all that back and forth with so many people.... He is still alone. That search is still happening. Hence also why this desperate search of who his heart is waiting for is at the end of the album, not opening it up. He still hasn't found her, the Muses. His satisfaction. The yearning that is driving him forward to grow and learn and adapt and dig deeper into his art, is still there.

Jimin has a lot of control over his projects. His albums, songs, and performances. As he should. But it's important for everyone to remember that this album starts and finishes with JIMIN. And what he wants to say and express, this is his art, his emotions and his ideas, regardless of if he has help writing lyrics or not. To bring this back to my last paragraph above.... Passion as an artist is something plenty of people can relate to, but not everyone. Romance on the other hand is something *almost* everyone CAN relate to. And bringing those feelings of yearning and desire for passion and excitement and translating that into feelings of crushes, first love, romantic connect. Brings that full circle and is the outward Expression he chose to help represent the emotions and feelings he was trying to express through this album. I think it's also important to note that while Jimin expressed his desire for excitement and passion and how he is still looking for that.... He made sure to make it clear that he is happy and content with where he is at and who he is currently. These things can coexist!

Who in general could have some takes and theories about sexuality and what not, like anon said, I've definitely seen a variety of theories out there. I do think Jimin has long since come to terms with his sexuality though, but that doesn't mean that the inspiration from that couldn't still be drawn on. I can talk about that more in a post I make specifically only for Who. Soooo many things could be said for Who! Lol and if you've read this far, look forward to my post for Who and thank you for making it through my ramblings!!

[deadboydetectives-confessions]

My personal gripe in payneland fic is people writing Charles as only being attracted to Edwin and no other man ever, the whole “he was never into men but he was in love with Edwin” thing. It makes me so sad lmao, like if Edwin was a woman he’d be able to love him more, or like Charles loves him in spite of his gender.

I know for some people it’s probably very romantic—the idea that you could love someone even if they aren’t the gender you’re attracted to, but as a bi person in a queer relationship it makes me sad. I love my partner because of who they are, not in spite of it. I also think it’s a lot more common for people to be romantically and sexually repressed due to the culture they’re raised in than it is for them to genuinely only be attracted to one singular person of the same gender. And Charles is like, the aids crisis poster boy. That in and of itself opens him up for so much interesting interpretation.

I’m also a slut for repression and pining and slow burn and I guess I feel like a lot of fics totally bypass some of my favorite tropes just to get to them being together. No hate to anyone who writes fic like that I just would love to see some more of Charles coming to terms with his sexuality.

Also also, I think there’s so much room to expand on their relationship prior to the start of the show. Even room to explore Charles’ character before he died. I really love the idea that Charles may have initially felt something (though he didn’t fully comprehend what it was) toward Edwin but realized very quickly that Edwin was guarded and shied away from conversations about romance and intimacy, so he dropped it—no need to address his emotions if there’s no chance in hell there would ever be any reason to express them. But then there’s Portownsend, and something tightens in Charles’ chest every time he thinks about the Cat King, and at first Charles thinks it’s just that he doesn’t like the smarmy prick, but it happens again with Monty, who’s a little rude to him but doesn’t seem DANGEROUS. And then there’s the staircase, and maybe Charles isn’t in capitol L love with Edwin, but he’s in SOMETHING with him, and maybe he does need to think a little bit more about that time he kissed a boy playing spin the bottle at a party and it made his stomach flip. Maybe he needs to consider why he liked the movie Labyrinth so much, even though he as a little too old for it when it came out. Maybe he needs to confront the fact that he’s always reaching for Edwin, that he wants to hug him or hold his hands or slide an arm across his shoulders.

I’m not sure how to end this I just think it would be cool to see more of that. Shout-out bisexual people.

.

[snarkythewoecrow]

I’m not even sure why it feels relevant or important to say this, as I don’t really know if it even matters to anyone outside of maybe my own need just to put it out there, but I'm gonna tell you a little bit about me

So, I’m in my forties now and so that means when I was a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, I didn’t have things that my own kids do now, not in the same way, meaning that there wasn’t the exposure and access to resources and information and representation for all things queer (no connection to the world at our fingertips)

Now, I got along okay, quietly exploring and experimenting with other girls a bit as a teen in my tiny town in the middle of nowhere, but being bisexual isn’t really the thing on my mind rn, more just a footnote

See, I had a strained relationship with my gender from so early on, yet I didn’t have any of the words to express this at the time, and it wasn’t until after trying my damnedest to be a woman, doing the shit that women were supposed to do, and then still having this sort of disconnect that I began to wonder what it was that didn’t fit within the puzzle—it became clear that the pieces I had might not all be from the same picture, after all, and it started me thinking

Spoiler alert, I’m still thinking, and it’s been years since that revelation, but that’s okay with me

Anyway, long story short, I was kid from a time without access to information and resources about gender and sexuality and all things queer or different--things that some want to silence and remove access to--and you know what? not being exposed to people from different walks of life, not having access to information and resources about what being trans is and could be, not having those discussions, and not having the words to describe and understand my own experiences as I had them, well, let's just say that not having all those things didn’t change my reality or help me in the least

Though, most importantly, it didn’t make me less trans, it just made me a depressed and confused little kid, instead, one that, looking back, needed a fucking hug and something or someone to turn to for information or validation

See, there was a moment that stands out now, when I was pretty young, maybe around ten or so, the discussion of breast cancer had become a big thing at the time, lots of media attention highlighting the subject, and there was this daring commercial they'd started airing

It had these women standing in a row, all topless and proud without breasts, a testament to survival, and you know, the only thing I can remember thinking at the time was, “oh, maybe that could happen to me,” except, it wasn’t said in fear, but rather hope along with a dash of confusion and guilt, cuz until that moment, I’d never thought something like removing your breasts possible

So, yeah, guess I’m saying that erasing the resources and sources of care and support, knowledge and representation--just cuz it makes you uncomfy--won’t stop those things and people you dislike from existing

Because we were always here, there aren’t suddenly more trans kids, pretty sure there are about the same amount as always, just back then, when I was growing up, we didn’t have the words to describe ourselves or a place to look for help, but that doesn't mean we weren't there

[thelostgirl21]

I wish there was a way to clearly say:

I'm personally comfortable being called a "woman", only because I have the sexual dimorphism typically associated with a female of the human species, and that's how other people see me as when they look at my physical appearance; nothing more.

While making 100% sure not to accidentally bring any harm to the trans community, or making it sound like one's gender identity should always match their physical appearance, when that's far from being the case.

Because, until very recently, I'd always been calling myself "a girl", or "a woman" exclusively based on how I physically look.

To me, defining myself as "a woman", has always been the equivalent of describing an external characteristic of my body that others are able to see.

- I'm a woman.

- I'm 5'7''.

- I have brown eyes.

- etc.

It's always been exactly the same to me. It's what you can physically see, not who I am.

Somehow, it's like I completely forgot to develop a sense of personal identity tied to "being a woman" while I was growing up.

I could wake up tomorrow with a body that has the sexual dimorphism of a male of my species instead, have everyone call me a man and suddenly have to live my life as one, and I'd have only ONE problem with it.

Just the one.

My partner is a heterosexual man, so that would be a challenge.

But otherwise, I think I'd just be really curious to explore the physiological differences between my prior body and my new body, and then move on with my life without changing a single thing to the things I like, my behavior in general, personal interests, probably the way I like to dress, too, etc.

I'd just be "looking more masculine" while doing it.

It would be like having blonde short hair instead of my current brown long hair.

The rest of the world would treat me differently as a man, sure! But that wouldn't reflect how I identify or feel inside about who I am.

Just how others now see me as and choose to socially treat me.

My gender, to me, is something that's always existed outside of myself.

I have no personal use for it, nor is it a part of my personality.

I guess I've often been gender-non-conforming, too, not because I was attempting to rebel against my own gender, felt a need to distance myself from the binary, or anything... But just because I've never seen the point of it.

I've had boyfriends telling me that it was like I wanted to be the "man in the relationship", and being upset that I wasn't letting them play their role at times (that hasn't really been an issue with women, oddly enough); and I broke up with them without looking back, because what the fuck was that even supposed to mean?

I wasn't trying to behave like a man or a woman, I was just being myself, and adopting the social roles and behaviors I'm comfortable with. If you can't love me as I am, then what am I supposed to do?

Younger, I've had little boys back at school telling me that "it was weird for a girl to like certain things or express herself a certain way", and my response has always pretty much been to shrug, go "guess I'm a weird girl then", and then continue doing things my way.

(Yes, I'm aware that I've been very privileged to live in a world where I've merely been occasionally bullied or suffered verbal micro-agressions for ignoring the social standards set for "little girls"... Then again, I've probably embraced some of them!

I loved playing with my "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe set", or walking around with a lightsaber pretending to be Luke Skywalker... But I was cool with "My Little Poney" (the originals) and "Rainbow Bright", too!

Like I said, I wasn't trying to be "non-conforming", I just liked whatever I liked!

I was also lucky enough that my parents fully allowed me to go for what I enjoyed in terms of toys, games, activities, playmates, etc., regardless of gender.

And my physical appearance as a child occasionally had people mistaking me for a boy. So, perhaps, the other adults that saw me behave as one in public assumed I was one, and thus put less pressure on me to behave in a way that would have been deemed more "feminine" than "masculine".

By the point I really started looking more "feminine" (like I do now), I guess I'd moved past caring about it, and/or had reached a point where it made no sense to me that it would suddenly have been upsetting that I occasionally behaved "as a boy" or enjoyed "boy things" now when, until then, it had always been perfectly fine and well accepted that I did!

I guess there's something to be said about the influence of early socialisation, and how adults in the social environment of a child respond to a young child's gender, in the level of importance they might instinctively give to it later on.)

Like, I'm pretty sure that, if I were to ask you to determine my gender based on my looks alone (while fully giving you permission to do it), especially when I'm performing on stage wearing makeup, you'd go "you're a woman!" with a fair level of confidence!

But that's just it! To me that's just the way I look. A stylistic choice based on the way my body chose to develop, if you will.

What drives me nuts, though, is that I have zero problem empathizing with the trans community and their need to express their own gender identity, because I know what it feels like to need to be seen and respected as one's authentic self!

You tell me you identify as a woman, a man, agender, genderfae, etc., and/or feel a need to express it? Be yourself, and rock that gender! It is who you are, and it is your right to own it!

The fact that I feel like I don't have any particular use or need for gender doesn't mean that it can't be important for others, and that they don't have a use or need for it themselves.

Just because I don't intimately understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that I can't support, and actively advocate for proper gender recognition and respect in schools and other public places.

I "get it" without "getting it", if you will.

The problem, however, is that I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea that, if I identify as a "woman", people will assume that it means more to me than "I physically look female".

That it will be assumed that I emotionally and psychologically connect with my gender, and feel a need to express it, or a sense of attachment and belonging to the woman gender.

After having called the way my physical body "looks" to others on the outside "being a woman" for decades, it's hard for me to suddenly go "being a woman is not the same as passing for a woman, it's about the gender you identify with inside..." and stop calling myself a woman, because I feel like I've no gender identity inside of myself.

But "agender" doesn't quite feel right to me, either, because I'd never had any problem with the idea of being a woman, until I learned that I was supposed to give a damn about being a woman, and personally connect with my gender, that is.

And "gender non-conforming" doesn't sound quite right, either, because I'm not trying to avoid conforming to the woman gender, or expressing a different gender than the one that was assigned to me at birth.

They basically gave me a gender based on my genitalia when I was born, and I went "Yeah, sure! I guess I can look the part... Why not?"; while ignoring the whole social instructions booklet and guidelines that went with it.

So lately, every time someone has asked me what my gender is, or what gender I identify with, I've had a tendency to freeze, panic, and mentally go:

Like the idea of my having a gender makes no internal sense to me. It's not something I can relate to, "vibe with", or identify with.

Is there a way to respectfully say "I'm calling myself a woman for convenience's sake, because that's the gender traditionally associated with the way I look, and I'm okay with having grown into a feminine appearance by default? But please, don't assume it means anything to me beyond that, or expect me to behave, dress, or do anything according to the woman gender."

I've been using "gender apathetic" in an attempt to convey it, but is that really what it means, and how most people understand it?

Basically, I feel like my answers to these questions would be:

- What physical look do you most resemble? Woman / feminine / female.

- What gender do you identify with? None.

- Do you feel comfortable being called a woman, and her / she pronouns, based on the way you look? Yes.

How do you freaking call or define that?

Non-internalized cisgenderism?

[malk1ns]

tell us abt your girl sid wip 🥺🤲

WIP tag game :)

GIRL SID.

ok i may have made a post about this one before BUT i enjoy talking and thinking about it so here we are.

a lot of the rule 63 fics in this fandom deal with gender in a sort of...sid or geno or whoever it is is more androgynous; maybe they don't shave, they don't wear makeup, they dress in baggy athletic clothes—they're 'butch', i guess you could call it. whether it's who they always are or a defense mechanism from being surrounded by gross male athletes all the time, that's who they are. and i love those fics! there are so many really good ones.

but for me...that's not ever how i react to insecurity. when i'm in situations like that, where i'm one of the only women around, my instinctive response is essentially the opposite—i go hyperfemme. dresses, more (and sultrier!) makeup, i even raise the pitch of my voice sometimes. my gender defense is becoming more girly, not less, i guess. i'm sure i'm using all the wrong vocabulary for this but it's a complicated topic so please forgive me if i say something wrong.

anyway, what if a girl sid reacts THAT way as the only woman in the nhl? she's ultra-talented, of course, but she's still viewed a little bit as a token, as a charity case. she was drafted first overall because duh, but she's had to work three times as hard as everyone else to get recognition once she was actually in the league. the penguins front office gave her an A, but it feels like a PR stunt. geno wears the C for this team, and he's a good leader, but everyone in the room knows it really should be sid. she knows it too.

so what if her reaction was, whenever she's up for postgame media, she showers and spends time doing her makeup and straightening her hair first? what if she dresses 'like a girl' all the time when she's in public, and widens her eyes and talks sweet and nice to the reporters, and lets socially-appropriate non-threatening men take her to events so that it's clear she's taken and not being a slut in the locker room? what if that's how she copes with the pressure and the expectations and the misogyny, by retreating into femininity and using it as a shield to protect her more vulnerable parts?

and what happens when geno falls in love with her despite knowing just how badly it could hurt her reputation? what do they do?

idk i may never write this one as a real fic but i take a lot of notes on it, it's one i go back to when i just want to sort of have ideas onto a page. part of why i like writing m/m fics is they let me explore gender roles and sexual expression at a remove, with a layer between my actual self and the feelings and issues i'm writing about. making sid a girl removes that protection, and i'm not sure i'd be able to truly write a fic about it! maybe one day, though.

[orkbutch]

sound like terf talking points ngl. just say you don’t think trans women are women and go :/

I'm assuming this ask is referring to this post, otherwise idk what it'd be about That post was made in response to me first noticing trans men talking about "transmisandry". An element of whats being called transmisandry is the exact experience I described in that post, and I was giving my opinion on that change in gender perception and how battling against that is pretty futile. As I said in the post, this wariness toward masculinity and cis men - I'm just going to call this 'Man Wariness' for short - is also something the vast majority of trans women have internalised. (I only say "vast majority" because I guess there could be The Exception? but really I just think All women have that wariness lmao.)

I became aware of this discussion because trans women that I follow on twitter have been pushing back on the misogyny and transmisogyny that's been expressed by the people championing the existence of transmisandry the hardest. I've been witnessing a lot of conversations trans women are having about the trans/misogyny they've experienced specifically from trans men. They (accurately imo) identify this as a threat to the integrity of feminism, particularly within transgender thought/politics, because misandry is not a real oppressive framework that exists. Pro-transmisandrists have been arguing that misandry is real and harms trans women as well, because The Man Wariness - non-men having learned to be guarded and fearful of masculinity & (what their brain associates subconsciously with) cis men - can also be directed at trans women, and results in transphobia toward those women.

The trans women disagreeing resent the framing of this as a 'misandry' issue because, of course, trans women are women. The people that hate trans women, even the ones that call them men to abuse them, don't actually see them as Men. In the eye of the transphobe, terf or GC, trans women are something else entirely, an inherently deviant third thing. Pushing back against "misandry", a supposed systemic oppressive hatred of manhood and men, does absolutely nothing to protect women from oppression. Trans women are oppressed, attacked, assaulted and abused mostly viciously and routinely by cis men. Labelling a description and discussion of Man Wariness as "TERF talking points" is just... deeply, deeply unhelpful imo. Man Wariness is just real. Thats just how a LOT of people operate in the world, trans women included. Obviously this learned wariness ends up impacting how many trans women are viewed and treated, and I understand being skeptical of me defending Man Wariness because of that. I was talking about it in the context of trans men/mascs' experiences specifically. Honestly... I don't really have helpful, thorough thoughts on how Man Wariness impacts trans women/fems and how that should be tackled. Its a bit of a wicked problem, I'm not trans fem and I haven't seen much discussion about this specifically. I assume because its a touchy subject thats kind of avoided. On the one hand, I believe deeply that trans women shouldn't need to perform/achieve a certain level of femininity in order to be safe, happy and acknowledged by society as women. On the other hand, Man Wariness is an uncontrollable response that is very deeply internalised, often directly connected to traumatic experiences, and I don't think its something that can be explored and addressed unless we can talk about it openly and frankly. Your response to this is very counter-productive imo. It just shuts down any possibility of a nuanced, open discussion. Maybe it'd be helpful if I was a terf, but I'm not lol. Which is obvious if you've known me or followed my work for any significant amount of time. Its the kind of response that shames someone for having Man Wariness, and feeling shame about an uncontrollable emotional response is toxic. Thats going to make that person feel they're irredeemably transphobic in some deeply embedded way that makes them reluctant to interact with trans women. And if theres anything that I think would break down someone's Man Wariness reaction to trans women, it would be having more familiarity with trans women because they'd pretty quickly internalise that trans women are not a threat and are women. OR of course that shame makes them feel rejected and alienated from trans friendly sphears, and they then turn toward TERF & GC sphears where they can be reassured their Man Wariness is fine, and are then vulnerable to being radicalised. But you know in my opinion no matter where that discussion went, no matter how immovable Man Wariness could be proven to be, that will NEVER invalidate that trans people have a right to safety, health, happiness and acceptance within society as the gender we know we are. That's actually just fact. These discussions are simply figuring out How that should come to be, and what our vision of a better, trans accepting society might look like.

[velvetvexations]

Just read that t4t masc4fem (?) kind of article everyone is speaking of, and sure... Being a trans man in the nonbinary lesbian kind of way myself, I kind of understand gnc or queer transfem ppl feeling repulsed since it just feels like too much gender roles...

I can't deal with cis nor trans men who'd approach me like this, not because I see it as predatory but because it's just not my cup of tea. It's not hurting me to get flowers. Or if a femme person is interested in a way that expects an overtly 'manly' role of me etc., again I am not harmed by them expressing such interest.

Initiation isn't coercion, it's where you can either give or not give consent. That's how people find people to date or flirt with. No shit.

Also... There are trans people into those dynamics described in the article. Trans people who wish they could just go on a kind of a stereotypical straight people date. Even a bit old-fashioned flowers and stuff. I think people forget how magical that can be to trans people who, by default, are not expected to be able to experience it.

I'll respect trans folk who find this type of thing gender-affirming. I've seen t4t straight or masc/fem couples like these, as well as butch/femme lesbian couples like this. This is normal trans and/or queer people stuff.

The way people read into the article as inherently rapey or predatory or incelish seem wild to me. Have they ever read anything written by an actual incel...? Because I'll tell you. Incels describe everything a woman says as manipulation. Incels view every interaction with women as a power game. Incels encourage deception, emotional abuse, manipulation and coercion.

None of the above is implied in the article. It's cheesily written for sure, but says something about society how cishets can have their cheesy romantic straight people things but when trans people do, it's gross and bad...?

Trans people are... * checks notes * attracted to or interested in relationships with literally ANYONE and are inherently seen as predators. That's fucked up. I feel like this could even be internalized shame in some of these transfems esp. if terfs have demonized transfem lesbians a lot so it's like. Seeing a trans guy into fem people be masculine and cheesily romantic feels like a taboo, I guess? Could that be it?

Ughh. Also. The part about "exploring sexuality unconventionally" or whatever, being equated to cis guys' tgirl fetishes... Like. People commenting this stuff do not know anything about trans men's sexualities or complex relationships to our bodies. To me that immediately read as;

"Another trans person will understand that the sexual roles or acts we may prefer may not be stereotypical to what people automatically assume about our anatomies."

Allocishet people have an infamously poor grasp of the idea. Trans people on the other hand... May be a liiiiittle better about taking dysphoria to account and not reducing people to specific sexual roles based on their anatomy.

Also they really have decided to view trans men as these hypersexual predatory monsters who can't even be attracted to someone without being a fucking predator. Idk that hurts to read. I wonder if it's again some internalized stuff from how TERFs predatorjacket and shame transfeminine people's sexualities. So they feel instinctively angry, because of shame, when seeing anoter trans person be a sexual being.

Also I wish more people understood not everything other people are into sexually or romantically is about them, nor has to be their cup of tea.

Yeah, it is like, at worst kinna retrograde humor but even on that level it's...not a big deal, and the outrage is especially galling because this is right in the midst of egg drama where it is vitally important we still be allowed to stereotype trans girls.

I wish I had more to add to what you've said here anon but you really laid it out.

[butchlesbianmike]

Tower Tarot System Headcanons (Mike & his system)

Under the cut are my detailed headcanons for mike, his backstory, and details about his alters. Note that i've changed some 'canon' stuff and added a few new alters.

TW: There will be mentions of Parental Abuse such as neglect and implied physical and emotional violence. There will be mentions of Sexual Abuse relating to Mike & Vito.

Keeper

• System Aware • One of the main Gatekeepers. More of a state of consciousness than an alter. Not sure how to explain it even as a system myself but basically more of a concept and a fragment? It is not really an alter that another alter could just come up to or interact with. • Was created by the horrid neglect and abuse endured at the end of the system's mother which from a young age made clear they would not be able to function without amnesic barriers separating states of consciousness/ego states.

Lucia:

• 5 - she/her - System Unaware, became dormant until Mike went to therapy. She then became system aware. • Alter i created for their system. Sarah is a child alter and technically the first host the system had but quickly became a rarely fronting part due to varying traumatic events between the ages of 3 and 5. Her age got frozen around 5 years old. She also stopped being host at that age after a harshly traumatic event. • System is unsure if there are other parts younger than her, she is the youngest identifiable host.

Chester:

• 56 - He/Him - System Aware - One of the gatekeepers • Split off around 4. • Introject of their grandpa on their mom side. Very important to Sarah and was very kind and took good care of the system.Their mom was incredibly neglectful and their grandpa is basically who raised them. Their mom cut contact with their grandpa after a fight between them. • Losing their grandpa alongside the constant abuse now worsening from being around their mother more did lead to a split. • Chester appears very grumpy because they found it funny whenever he would go on rambles and complain about silly things to them but also because they were hardly ever allowed to express negative emotions or frustration around their mother and so Chester became a part that held a lot of those negative emotions they didnt feel safe expressing.

Svetlana (Went by Lucia) :

• She/They - Ages with body - not quite system aware, notices things but very much normalizes them. Becomes system aware once Mike gets a girlfriend and also starts exploring gender. • Split off around 7 when their mom started signing them up for competitive gymnastics. (They were already doing gymnastics before, but competitive only started at 7). • Main cohost for a long time. Helped Sarah and Lola with learning gymnastics and handled competitions due to their mother being incredibly abusive during tournaments and competitions. • She wasnt really aware she was cohost, she felt like this was her life but she kinda saw it as like.. "oh i just feel more like myself in my element! Gymnastics is just really important to me and its where i thrive everybody say they have masks depending on if theyre at school or at home or with friends!! I guess my mask just comes off when im doing gymnastics :D". • She thought that the Russian accent was just a bit she was very dedicated to and what helped her 'get in character' for competitions. That it was just her trying hard to be like those russian gymnasts they really like on TV to feel more confident. • She always felt uncomfortable with being infantilized and felt much older, but everyone around them would say they have an old soul so she assumed that must by why. • She discovers she's a lesbian around when the body's age is 14. • She is one of the alters alongside Vito who causes Mike to realize something isn't adding up and reach out to try and get therapy. • Did not like Mike's girlfriend and actually really disliked being referred to as a guy. This was actually a main source of conflict between her and Mike and another reason Mike started feeling something was wrong because he realized that the dysphoria he got seeming more masculine or being perceived as more masculine didn't feel like it was Actually Him. • She often would be very distant and even cold to their girlfriend because she realized that they were a system and that she wasn't Mike and that actually his girlfriend was hurting them. • After therapy and system work and being acknowledged as her own alter, her relationship with Mike got a lot better and they agreed on keeping some feminine stuff for her to wear whenever she's front. • Actually really likes Zoey and tries really hard to hint that she also likes her. She and Zoey actually start dating too.

Lola (Went by Lucia):

• She/her - 10 - system unaware until she stopped being host. She became system aware when the body was 12 and that she got yonked and became more of an internal alter and very very rarely ever fronted again. She was under the care of Manitoba and Chester in the headspace. • Another system kid and previous host, she handled life from 6 to 12. • She and Svetlana were really fronting together almost all the time and switching between eachother frequently, although rarely experiencing blackouts more than greyouts. • While she was a host from ages 6 to 12, she stopped aging in the headspace at 10. • A huge part of this was due to how rocky elementary school was. They were changing schools left and right and it was really hard to keep up with all the constant changes. Around 10 she lost one of the only friends she had managed to make and due to their already fragile state, this was distressing enough to halt her development as an alter in itself. Svetlana mostly started being the main host from 10 to 12 although Lola was still there and at least cofront a majority of the time. • Starts fronting a bit more after Mike starts doing system work (Body age around 17).

Mike:

• He/They - Ages with body - First Host to become system aware. • Split off around 12 due to stress bcuz the system moved in with their dad because their mom no longer wanted to be responsible for them nor pay for their highschool necessities. • He became host because he didnt carry much of the traumatic memories related to their mom, didn't have system awareness, and was fairly functional with school and with their dad. • At first he had it a lot better than previous hosts and was one of the most stable host for a short while which made it that switching didn't frequently occur except here and there or when triggered due to x y z. • That changed about 8 months after him being host. A month before turning 13 he started figuring out that he had a crush on a girl and might be a lesbian. • Not only that but also started getting a lot of gender dysphoria, even feeling uncomfortable with a lot of his clothes and even pictures of him in his gymnastic outfits and competitions. • Nothing much came out of the crush except heartbreak which did kind of shake things up for the system. Mike felt things very profoundly and the heartbreaks of feeling like he would never find love because he likes girls destabilized the system a bit which led to more frequent switches- especially at school to continue functioning with the classmate mike had a crush on. • Around 14 Mike finds out more about things identity wise and starts thinking he might be a transmasculine butch lesbian, but isn't sure of himself because he feels his identity is very shaky and constantly changing so he settles on being genderfluid. (This confusion is mostly caused by Svetlana who also is discovering she's a lesbian btw). • At 15 is when the big bad happens for Mike. He gets his first girlfriend who happens to be older and more experienced than him. She sees him as a trans guy, even though he tries to explain he isn't. She is very forward and sexual to him, which freaks him out. She is constantly trying to see his chest and fetishize him especially when he's binding. • At 17 after a long time seeing a therapist due to the previous events, he found out he was a system and has been doing system work with his therapist for a year now. This is the same year he signs up for total drama.

Manitoba 'Jones':

• He/Him - 21 - System Aware • Split off around 13. • Introject of Henry 'Indiana' Jones from specifically 'The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles'. • Chose the name Manitoba to distance himself from his source, although he finds high comfort in it. • System Historian / Internal Helper. He also frequently takes care of the syskids and takes them on adventures in the headspace. • Very rare for him to fully front but he likes to come sit around front whenever anyone watches action movies. • Is actually the one that handled breaking up with Mike & Vito's girlfriend because neither of them felt like they could and when he figured out what was going on he got very protective.

Vito:

• He/Him but later on uses any - 18 - System Aware • Split off around 15 because of Mike's girlfriend of the time. • Split off as a sexual protector and hypersexuality symptoms holder. • Sexualizes himself a lot because it makes him feel in control and desired. Feels like because 'hes a guy' it means he has to like and enjoy it bcuz thats what a real man would feel. • Gets triggered front everytime anyone in the system loses their shirt because of it creating dysphoria and PTSD. • Was actually the most heartbroken when they broke up with their shitty ex girlfriend. He loved her a lot and saw himself as her boyfriend more than Mike did, even if he knew deep down she wasn't good to them. • Is the alter that, alongside Svetlana, made Mike realize something wasn't adding up and start talking to a psychologist and getting therapy. • Started unpacking a lot of his relationship but still holds a lot of the system's hypersexuality symptoms and has a weird relationship to gender as he feels like his 'gender' as a 'guy' is affirmed through having withstood their ex' abuse and 'enjoying' it. • He is actually nonbinary but it takes him a while to figure that out and only really figures it out AFTER total drama.

Mal:

• He/She/It - Ages With Body - System Aware • Persecutor/Misguided Protector. Split off during total drama all stars. • Mal split off with the belief that to win the game you have to be selfish and self preserving and manipulative. • He feels that Mike is "Too soft" and "Too kind" to survive let alone win the game. So he decides to play it by 'their rules'. A rule that Mal perceives to be the only way to make it through. • Due to splitting off with the belief of needing to replace Mike, she actually looks very similar to him in the headspace and while she doesn't like it she finds it very easy to imitate him and sees it as a way to protect the system by imitating Mike to win the show and get everyone away. • She thinks Mike is too 'naive' and 'trusting' and Mal sees that as a weakness others in the show will exploit and abuse so he decides to distrust everyone including the people who the rest of the system feel are safe like Zoey and Cameron. • It doesn't come from a serious place of malice more than a maladaptive coping strategy where Mal is in constant survival mode and unwilling to let his guard down in case the system gets hurt and he KNOWS that its bound to happen being part of total drama. • This is reinforced by the fact that Mal split off with memories concerning their ex girlfriend and knows how deceiving people can be, especially seeing how some of the people on the show have tons of red flags that reminds her of Mike & Vito's ex. • He tries to protect the system by constantly trying to force herself front and by betraying people and playing 'the villain' so that no one will hurt them and that they have more chances to win if they're the one to strike first and he lashes out and gets angry when the system calls him out for it because he doesn't understand why they dont see what he sees. • After a lot of therapy and help from the system and Zoey and Cameron, Mal unpacks and unlearns a lot of the harmful ideas she split off with and also starts exploring herself outside of 'Total Drama'. A lot of her identity is tied as 'Mike's only hope to survive total drama' and its a lot for her to work through. • She gets on much better terms with Zoey later on, but it does take a very long time to build up that trust between them even if Zoey understands where Mal was coming from.

[benegesseritofficial]

Pushing Daisies has immediately struck me as extraordinarily queer coded. Enjoy my rant.

This show came out in 2007 and yet Ned is an extremely gentle man in every aspect of his characterization. He was emotionally wounded as a child, a fact we linger on and explore at length. He drives people away but in an incredibly passive way. He isn't interested at all in the hot woman throwing herself at him. The only person he's interested in was his childhood best friend. The man is passive, sweet, and a romantic; not someone who would chase you but a prize to be won.

Chuck is literally named Chuck. Sure her name is Charlotte but when we first meet her she's in a dinosaur costume and her name is Chuck. No one's called her Chuck since Ned, and when he does again she only wants him to call her Chuck. Almost immediately everyone calls her Chuck. Also... Charolette Charles? Charolette is the feminine form of Charles. Gender fuckery is afoot from square one. And she's assertive. She has no trouble talking over Ned, or any other man for that matter. She cares deeply about feelings and emotions and her perceptions of right and wrong, and she will steamroll anyone who tries to contradict her. She kisses Ned first. She figures out how she can safely kiss Ned. They both wanted it but she's the one who starts problem solving. Now, her actress Anna Friel is slender, her hair is long, and she is dressed exclusively like a 1950s fashion model. She's 5'5", but dwarfed by Lee Pace's 6'5". But what if she wasn't? What if she was opposite a man who wasn't a fucking tree? What if these lines and actions were given to a woman who wasn't a size 2? What if Anna Friel wore jeans for even one scene while Chuck interrupts and problem solves and takes action? Well, the audience might start to notice that the character isn't very feminine at all. Chuck is all character and very little gender. She could really be played by anyone.

And finally, Olive. Dear, sweet, Olive, longing after a man who shuts down one half her advances and doesn't seem to notice the other half. Olive, who is bold and brash and catty and fun and (apparently, by the costuming department's choices) obsessed with '70s fashion. It's 2007. A gay writer cannot express his struggles longing after a straight man who will never care for him. Not in so many words. But he could write most of that character. He could just swap a few little details and pronouns. By the time a minuscule, high voiced actress is reading Olive's lines, the average straight viewer would never even guess. But there Olive is; a readymade gay icon, over the top and feminine and unapologetically attracted to men. Everything a more feminine gay man wishes he could be out in the open. Olive can tell gay men's stories when they couldn't use their own voices. Relatedly, once you see her and Chuck's aunts as drag queens, you just can't unsee it. When Olive first meets those two, they take her under their wing as a kindred spirit. In the course of telling a story, it's not a trope or action that makes much sense for straight women. Younger women don't seek out and value the advice of old women. Not on TV, not in the cultural wisdom of 2007 or today. Gay men on the other hand. Drag queens on the other hand. If you were in the culture, you understood to value your elders when they bestowed wisdom.

And none of that addressing the situation. Ned absolutely cannot touch the person he's in love with. He and Chuck kiss in (I think) the third episode. Chuck isn't a love interest, she is arguably his girlfriend for most of the series. And yet, a forced wall must remain between them. Chuck has to remain in disguise when they're in public. They are together, but still feel they have to restrain themselves. There is no clear future for their relationship, no matter how in love they are. Much like a gay couple might feel, years before widespread societal acceptance and legal recognition of their relationship. It isn't safe, and only a few close friends can know.

[ramblingandwritings]

The Best Gotham Has To Offer

Contents: Flirting, pining, fluff, gender neutral reader, reader is from this world, reader knows Bruce Wayne is Batman

Words: 650

Bruce cautiously follows the sound of thumping coming from down the hall. He's unsure if Alfred is the one making that noise or if someone was actually dumb enough to break into Wayne Manor first thing in the morning to loot the place.

Drawing closer to the stairs he realizes the sound is coming from the first floor. He proceeds down the stairs and steps into the Grand Hall. The sound seems to be coming from his right, from the bathroom. He quietly approaches the door and knocks.

"Huh?"

The tension leaves his body as he hears your voice, "You alright in there?"

"Oh! Yeah! Sorry for the noise. The sink had a small leak so I'm fixing it."

He turns the knob and walks into the bathroom to see you with a screwdriver in hand twisting a screw back into place on the cold water knob. He leans beside you against the sink cabinet, "You know I can just have Alfred call a plumber for that, right?"

"I know." You pop the little cap with a capital C back into place on the knob, "But I don't wanna just sit here and do nothing after all you've offered to do for me. I want to be useful around here." You respond, turning to face him. He gets a stunned look. You've noticed he's more expressive with the cowl off but you're still not used to it.

"Usefulness isn't necessary."

"It is to me." You say with a serious expression.

He studies your expression for a moment before smiling and standing straight up, "Where is Alfred anyway?" He asks, trying to change the subject.

"He said he was gonna dust the parlor then make breakfast." You drop the screwdriver back into the toolbox and close it, "I was gonna help him with that too once I got done here." You mention while turning the water on to wash your hands.

He lets out a small chuckle, "Aiming to put him out of the job, huh?" He jokes. Something else you're not used to yet.

"Of course not, I just want to help. You're helping me after all, so I want to return the favor."

He smiles again. He steps aside to let you out of the bathroom and follows behind you, "We could go out for breakfast instead." He suggests, "My treat." 

"You don't have to do that Bruce," You stop and turn to him and he stops too, "You're already doing enough for me by letting me stay here while we try to figure out how to get me back to my own universe."

"It's fine really. I'd like you to experience everything Gotham has to offer while you're here."

"I think I already experienced that last night with the whole clown abduction thing."

His smile quickly deflates, "Don't let Joker define how you look at this city. It's got a problem, but there's still good people here."

"I know. I'm looking at one of them." You smile at him this time. You could swear there's a hint of a pink to his cheeks. His smile returns.

"Gotham is a little calmer in the daytime. I know a good restaurant that's in the heart of the city. We could explore downtown too."

"I… guess that doesn't sound so bad. I probably should leave the manor every now and then or I'll go stir-crazy."

"I'll let Alfred know to only make breakfast for him and Dick." He says walking past you.

"He isn't driving us there?" You follow along behind him this time.

"I can drive too."

"I know, but-"

"I think he'll be fine letting me out of his sight for a day." He jokes. You smile and hold in a laugh this time.

"You sure about that? Batman might not need supervision but Bruce Wayne might." You tease.

"Maybe a little." He looks back at you with a grin.

[hearthouses]

top 4 works of 2023

I was tagged by @nameslikeguns and also @preseriesdean was an inspiration, but I modified it to four because I'm not super proud of any of my edits this year and I wasn't able to squeeze out another fic before the end of the year, so we're going with top four! I am also not going to rank them, but list them in chronological order from their posting date.

This year was a better year than the last two in terms of writing output, I had a rough 2021 and posted nothing, and only posted one fic in 2022, so four is a massive improvement, even if it feels miniscule compared of other people's outputs. The Fall was when I was most productive and I am very proud of what I wrote then, exploring concepts I was particularly interested in, even if it's not the most popular and putting myslf out there regardless.

I think I would have continued that streak had I not gotten covid, then 2+ months of complications from covid, but I am trying to drag myself out of that funk. I am hoping to write more in 2024 as I have so many WIPs I want to get to and finish.

Anyway, here's the list:

1. when you're smiling and astride me

This was the first work I posted this year. It felt good to write it, but it also came with some challenges because I wrote it for an exchange and I was very nervous with some of the concepts and how they would go over. But the exchange itself was based on the idea of freeing your id and going wild, so I eventually just went with it and this was the result. I really love exploring Dean's feelings about his body and gender expression, and how Sam helps with it, and my only regret is I wish it was longer.

2. you say, go fast (i say, hold on tight)

This was written in a haze of early Fall because of another exchange that created a level of freedom that unlocked something in my brain that kept me from second guessing myself. It sprang from a concept fanvid and I came up with the idea wholesale from some mental images and let the story happen. I'm very fond of the result, even if it feels saccharine and too sweet and romantic for some. I really love the vibes and the imagery, plus how in love Sam and Dean are.

3. the landscape after cruelty

The process for this fic was grueling. No idea was working the way I wanted, so I needed to come up with a new idea altogether and at times, I almost didn't finish this fic. I have no playlist because I needed quiet to work on this. None of my usual preparations for writing fic worked for this one. The subject matter was daunting and I'm still unsure if I accomplished what I set out to, but I am proud of it. It's not very popular and I wonder if I hit the wrong notes often, but I'm also very protective of it. It's a weird fic that I'm not sure how I feel about the end result 100%, but I had to at least try and explore my feelings around the subject matter.

4. we could live forever in each other’s faces

This fic was written during the height of my illness. It wasn't supposed to be the fic I wrote because I had bigger plans (longer, more complicated fics), so I needed to scale them down to something more managable. How I did that was I chose to write the scenes in a series of drabbles, double drabbles, and triple drabbles, so I could focus on the preciseness of the word count. While this style of writing might feels limiting, it helps me to focus. I really love the dreamy, fairytale-like result of this. I still want to write a longer fic about these themes, but I am glad I wrote this all the same.

[devilsskettle]

x novelization by tim waggoner thoughts below:

okay the interesting thing about the x novelization is that by virtue of writing a novelization, there is some editorializing of the movie by the author (because it’s like a translation of the story into a different medium which necessitates interpreting what’s happening in the movie for the reader — which may be a different interpretation than what the reader would’ve had as a viewer of the movie) and more of the characters’ thoughts/internal monologue. so i think the author actually does a pretty good job of capturing the tone of the characters’ voices even in the third person limited narration through each character’s perspective. but it also results in different impressions of the characters between page and screen in a way that sometimes feels questionable. for example, the author writes lorraine’s worry about rj’s disappearance as both being worried that she hurt his feelings (explicitly stated by her dialogue in the movie) + thinking immediately that she made a mistake by doing a scene in the movie they’re making (NOT necessarily the part she has regrets about, sort of antithetical to her character arc in the movie, retroactively negates her moment of asserting her agency). there’s so much more focus on rj’s feelings about the scene than hers also, and he even writes bobby-lynne as feeling bad for him in her internal monologue lol like she would NOT feel bad for his crybaby ass imo and she certainly never expresses as much in the movie. and that interpretation of that scene and that character and how much more empathy he writes for rj….. idk reading that was like OH i think we experienced that part of the movie very differently and i do think those differences are very gendered

i also think part of what makes the x novelization and maxxxine tricky is that maxine is a hard character to pin down in terms of characterization, she doesn’t have a strong distinctive personality, she actually doesn’t have that much dialogue, and her defining characteristic is something that is by nature not definable — “x factor.” much of why her character works in x is because of how mia goth plays her. when we start to get more of her internal monologue as this author writes it, it often becomes much more hokey than what’s happening in the movie lol. there’s a part that made me really truly roll my eyes where, right after maxine wakes up and realizes pearl is in her bed touching her, she does some coke and goes to find the others. this guy writes that she thinks to herself “popeye has his spinach, i have my coke.” like hello??? shut the fuck up. why would she be thinking that right after experiencing a complete violation of personal boundaries lmao. even down to very simple details added for more “texture” their characterization like i love the detail that maxine loves hot summer weather, that totally fits with her personality to me, but then he writes that she only smokes before going onstage or filming a scene (really? why?) and she loves laying in bed listening to thunderstorms (okay that’s a common thing that people enjoy but doesn’t seem like something she’d particularly love more than anything else in the world? i guess? idk it just seems kind of shoehorned in there for no reason other than to be like see? we’re adding depth to these characters artificially! lol). even like attributing the part where she’s exploring the farm to her calming her mind before filming is like. she’s not nervous though? idk i have different thoughts about what that scene could be meant to show about her character (beyond just for foreshadowing the gator attack lol) but i think part of her “x factor” is this easy confidence and comfort in her own body that she has, and i don’t feel like that part of the movie is meant to undermine that by making her nervous? obviously she gets rattled by pearl throughout the movie but she always stays fairly levelheaded. anyway this is getting so nitpicky but like the cumulative effect to me is just being like. okay our interpretations of how this character thinks and navigates the world is different

also though i think his writing for pearl and howard is sooo excellent, especially deepening pearl’s motivations and feelings. i think it’s a lot easier to read about her than to watch her in the movie actually lol probably also because my least favorite part of the viewing experience is the old person makeup to be so honest it doesn’t really work for me. but also because this author will also be writing the pearl novelization and readers know the plot of that movie now, i feel like he did a good job of incorporating some of her characterization in pearl into her characterization in x. i think that’s probably the strongest aspect of the book. i also think his descriptions of the action in the story are really well done, and the pacing translates well, and with the exception of those moments of lorraine and maxine that i already talked about, i think the tone of the book/the characters’ internal voices are matched well to the movie while bringing forward the pathos of the story. it’s a quick read and i did enjoy it so i’m not trying to totally bash it, and in fact i do plan on reading both pearl and maxxxine — i actually think i will enjoy the book version of maxxxine more than the movie based on my experience watching that movie and reading this book. i am a little bit more skeptical about pearl simply because i do love that movie but i like how he wrote pearl here so i am optimistic. as always though it’s just interesting to see movie vs book