#i guess i Could respond to thirst traps and post desperate single posts in dating subreddits?

[mejomonster]

i have no idea how to meet single people so i feel a decently heavy weight of 'well i'm single because i lack the skills to run into single people' and then i get that you know, insistent urge to try and improve that about myself, then i proceed to feel very miserable as i meet 1000 Ethically Non Monogamous couples on dating apps who did not read that I'm only looking for a monogamous relationship, and 500 people looking for hookups when I mention that I'm demiromantic and demisexual and just am looking for love because banging is boring and pointless to me without that so hookups with no relationship are not something I want, and then maybe 2 people who are one or both of those categories but actually messaged me or responded to a message from me (probably to be friends since there's no dating possibility) and then fished for compliments and once they got that just responded 'lol. cool. yeah' and then never responded again. so even the incompatible enm and hookup matches mostly don't want to meet anyone. and then I feel extra extra hopeless, consider 'what if I try meeting people in person again' but 1. I'm chronically ill and can barely work the full 40 hours most weeks, and then barely got spoons left to feed myself, I try to ration my spoons to see family and friends on occassion, so I know weeks I pick a social event I don't get to see friends (or friends must come with me but then single people are less likely to want to engage with me).

And then of course, i remember the 3 years pre covid when I was Healthy and had energy, and went to 3 social clubs per week and special events on weekends, and every single person I met was in a relationship. And I worked in customer service back then, so I ran into strangers daily, and every single person even marginally compatible who I spoke to was in a relationship. Which was what drove me to try social clubs, which also had no single people, and then dating apps, where no one wanted to go on a date whether I messaged everyone first and planned things Or whether I just engaged with only people who liked me enough to bother messaging first. I met people on dating apps like 6 years ago, but people also acted different on them back then: people messaged back to meet ppl not just get compliments, people actually wanted to meet up for dates and either make a friend/hookup/have a relationship, and you could meet at least a marginally compatible person willing to meet up in like 3 months or less. Usually in a few days to a week if the bar was 'just willing to message you back and meet.' I know part of it is that dating apps over time have become designed worse, I read recently Hinge actually hides potential matches from you if a lot of people match you because it wants to make them Pay money before they will get shown to you... meaning many people who'd probably like to match, cannot match for free. As for in person, well if I was healthy maybe that'd be an option to meet people and the last time period I just had incredibly bad luck, but I'm not gonna get healthier. It's just not happening. I wish. I'm not bedridden anymore though, and that's already eons better than I could be.

Fact is it's just hard for me to go to any events now, I am gonna feel worse the new several days, and I budget it for events I'm willing to be in a flare up afterward for. I still just wish I had more spoons for fucking... grocery shopping, painting while sitting up, or just for owning a dog but I'm frankly not sure I can stand for 5-10 minute periods multiple times a day Every Day, or for seeing my family more. Or going out with friends, because we do okay if they're at my house for only a few hours, but I get exhausted fast if we go out anywhere. I know some people are willing to date someone chronically ill, I have friends like me who are dating or married, it can happen. But dang lol, that initial 'how do I meet the single people.' that's the thing lol. I am thinking 'well maybe it's time to suck it up and try a dating app again, and maybe feel more hopeless, and just say first thing on the profile 'not looking for casual hookups, or polyamory, or ENM, only looking for potential long term relationship.' but i had 90% of that on my last profile and that still didn't help.

I obviously just feel really pessimistic and I know it doesn't help. I know the advice is "love comes when you aren't looking" but lol. I also didn't look for years, and love didn't come. I DID look for years, and didn't find love. In college I found short relationships, which of course was in part that it's easier to meet potential dates when many people are single and you see thousands of strangers your age daily and hundreds on a speaking basis, and back then dating app users mostly Did want to meet up in person to see if there was any connection. In high school i was such a little optimist and thought love was guaranteed and easy to find, and my first love ever 'liked me back' and I thought I'd marry them aw naive baby mejo, and of course it was somewhat abusive and messy because teenagers don't always understand boundaries or needs yet and when it ended it was for the best. Then I stayed optimistic.

But post college wow has it been like a desert. I tried raising the bar to look for only people with At Least 1 thing in common (so we have something to talk about or do together we both enjoy) and some basic values in common (like I probably shouldn't date someone who thinks it's okay to scream at and punch their partner and friends, I probably shouldn't date someone who wants many kids when I want zero, I probably shouldn't date someone who thinks sick people should just 'get better' and don't deserve healthcare since they'll probably dump me quick, I probably shouldn't date someone who does not want to care about their lover or be their friend in any way - I want a lover who's fun to be around and cares about me as that's how I'd feel about them), and to be single. Then that was just a dead zone of meeting no one, and I tried lowering it to 'will talk to me or respond to me' and 'not violent' and 'single or not single' and 'has nothing in common with me' and still out of hundreds of people only 1 wanted to go on a date and we had nothing in common so never met again (which lol of course - we had nothing in common, of course we weren't gonna click).

It's really hard not to be pessimistic. I say to myself 'well maybe i'll be lucky some day and just happen to meet some single compatible person online or something.' But like. I like to be proactive. I like to make my situation better by doing something. And I already talk to people online, that never worked out to meeting a single compatible person yet. So my brain says 'well is there anything MORE you can do so you're meeting more single people online? huh???' and I tell you what. I don't know the answer. Maybe respond to thirst trap photos??? I guess I could do that??? And 1% higher chance of talking to a single person, even if they may just want compliments or a hookup or have zero in common with me, is probably better than my current chances. Maybe post about being single more? Maybe go on some dating subreddits on reddit and just message a ton? I don't fucking know. Agh. My brain says 'well you sure need to do more, because whatever you've been doing clearly wasn't enough to improve the odds to even meeting 1 single person a Year.' I did meet 1 single person this year... my coupled friend introduced us, because she's insistent on setting people up, and he is a straight guy who had zero interest in dating a nonbinary person like me and so we became friends and now he tells me about his new gf who's more compatible with him and I'm happy for him. He's a nice dude but not someone I had any chance with, even without considering if I could have even liked him or not.