#i feel so so alone. im too depressed to contact my friends.

[justsomerandomfanfic]

Hi! Can i request a romantic matchup for star wars, hp marauders and DC? :3 (sorry if i make any mistakes english is not my first language :3) Anyways, about me: I'm bisexual and demisexual. She/her pronouns but neutrals are fine. Infj 4w3, big 3 are; gemini sun, taurus moon, sag rising. I have short dark hair and I loveeee to style it like marilyn monroe (I'm obsessed with old hollywood) I have olive pale skin and dark brown eyes, I'm 5'7 and skinny but not too much mostly because I'm a figure skater! idk i think im really pretty! Mexican with italian and native family. Older sister that basically took raised her little brother and depressed mom (damn.)I love my family and basically love human interactions lmao. Extrovert (? idk) my friends describe me as likeable, charismatic, clumsy, witty, confident, idealistic, caring and nice. I love making people feel comfortable and welcome. People that don't like me may describe me as argumentative, annoying, stubborn, greedy, with ego or even mean and i'm not going to deny anything of that tbh. I loveeee feeling pretty and I'm a girly nerd girl, champagne colors, black and pink are def my thing. I love political science, neuropsychology, literature, women history and pyshics. My specials interests are: old hollywood, star wars (mostly obi-wan kenobi lol) manifestation, barbie and Sylvia plath. And yes, I'm autistic but I work with it really well. I love to perform and all that stuff, I was in a band, playing guitar and singing, musicals, figure skating, ballet etc. I don't talk about my problems to anyone, i just write them down because i don't really like to worry people and i know it's not healthy but idc. I always manage to be optimistic but realistic. I'm a perfectionist and I reaaaaally hate doing something wrong so that's mostly when I have my mental breakdowns lmao. Quite touchy with people i really like, hugs, touching faces, playing with hair, toying with hands, but I always make sure that they're okay with it! Also i'm quite bubbly and flirty but I'm not really interested on someone(mostly because now relationships are really weird, help.), I'm really specific with what i want and i have high standards. I hate: thunderstorms(im really scared of them) crowded places were i'm alone, really negative people, pick me's, pumpkins, immature people, facists, last minute surprise, people with horrible communication skills. Sand and the beach. Maps and driving, unfair stuff, sexism and men being stupid. I love: summer and spring, animals, makeup, any kind of music but my favs are: mcr, britney spears, fiona apple, the cardigans, marina, lana del rey, ariana grande, nine inch nails, the cure and bikini kill. Stawberrys, gossip girl, mexican soap operas (I LOVE RUBI AND TERESA!!!) comics and nerdy stuff (It all started because i wanted to prove a boy that I hated that I knew more about star wars than him and I ended up watching all the movies, series and reading all prequels books lmao)playing legos with my little brother, baking and having debates with my literature teacher.

Hello! I'm sorry this has taken so long to get posted! I hope you like it nonetheless! (I also love old hollywood! I love marilyn, audrey hepburn, and cary grant!) Enjoy! <33333

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(Romantic);

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Star Wars;

Obi-Wan Kenobi:

🌙 You met Obi-Wan on a random planet that he was visiting for some undisclosed reasons; you were walking with your friends past him, and as you both passed each other, you made eye contact - the world seemed to slow down, your eyes locked on one another - love at first sight

🌙 You didn't see Obi-Wan until when you and your friends we drinking in the nearby cantina; your friends gestured to the mysterious man across the bar, and you followed their line of sight - seeing the man that you had passed earlier that day, your friends hyped you up to go over and talk to him

🌙 The conversation floooowed, and I mean flowed, the instant connection that you had with this man was undeniable and intoxicating - you couldn't get enough of his voice and how his words seemed to grapple and pull you right in; it wasn't until later in the night that you found out his name, Obi-Wan Kenobi

🌙 Months later, Obi-Wan, trapped in the Jedi Laws, tried to hide how much he enjoyed your presence, but it was difficult, in the end - risking his Jedi life and duty - he confessed who he truly was, but you still loved him all the same

🌙 Your and Obi's relationship was kept a secret, even from most of your friends, though Anakin quickly figured it out - you and Obi were a perfect match, always there for each other, always understanding and caring towards one another; you both loved each other to the moons and back... And then some

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Harry Potter (Marauders);

James Potter:

✨ You met James at Hogwarts, and you instantly felt a connection between the two of you - it wasn't long until the both of you were flirting with one another, joking around, having a few laughs; the feelings you had for each other were unspoken, but understood

✨ You and James were inseparable, whenever you could, you'd be together, joined at the hip, no matter the time of day - and you were always touching each other in some way, holding hands, playing with his hair, his arms around you; you'd often squish his cheeks together, James would always blush at the contact

✨ When spending nights together - either just cuddling or talking about your favorite music, comics, or your love for strawberries - and a thunderstorm arises, he is always there for you, distracting you or covering your ears while holding you; if a storm is coming, it's like a sixth sense

✨ During the summer, you and James meet up as much as possible - you get the opportunity to show him your favorite music, movies, and shows - sometimes if you're lucky, James let's you do his makeup

✨ James and your little bro would probably get along beautifully as well, and I would bet that James would love to play with Legos with you and your brother - even though he has no idea what they are in the beginning XD

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DC;

Harley Quinn:

♥ You met Harley at one of her roller derby games - being a figure skater, you enjoyed seeing people roller skate - you immediately caught her eyes as she raced around the track; your Marilyn Monroe styled hair was amazing to say the least

♥ She had to tell you how much she loved your hair, and she did after winner her match, meeting you out in the parking lot before you and your friends left; she made sure to compliment you (a lot), and even gave you her card, which you took with a smile

♥ Her card didn't have any number or address, so you believed that it was going to be difficult to find her, but you were surprisingly wrong - small world, even if it was Gotham - you met her at this small convenience store, where you found her waiting for a breakfast sandwich

♥ You and her decided to walk around Gotham together, but the outing was short lived as she was getting chased by like ten people - you didn't see Harley for a long while, but when you did, she had a Hyena and a kid (and a nice car)

♥ You joined Harley and Cassandra (and Bruce) on their adventures, stealing marshmallows from stores, going around town causing slight chaos, and just having a grand ol' time together

---

[akindplace]

Can you help me? I dont have friends. I have been going through some stuff a few years and had severe depression and then covid came and basically I lost touch with everyone. I also moved cities the same time so like I cant actually find a way to hang out with my old friends and since I kinda just cut off people I cant really go back

See now the issue is im in a new place but i have so much social anxiety i barely talk to ppl. I sometimes think I can do life by myself but I realized that I dont even have an emergency contact? Like I know a couple of my neighbors but thats pretty much it. I just know them. I also work from home and its not really a job which needs talking

Help me, how do I make friends? I am in my late 20s and I used to be someone who had so many people but now I am just so alone and scared it will never change.

Im honestly a big fan of just messaging people I think are cool on their dms, it’s a a good way of chatting people and talk about interests, so if their stories show them in a concert, I can just go “wow I love this band, xyz also has a similar sound, have you heard xyz”. There are apps for making friends or so they say, but I don’t know if they work. There are also group activities you can join depending on your interests, like book clubs, film clubs, churches, volunteer groups, and courses since the frequent proximity helps friendships to happen.

I think the scary thing about friendships is the vulnerability aspect of it, because you need people to connect with but that connection means they’ll see you in ways you can’t really control. And when we get really anxious it’s hard to do things without panicking and being afraid the other person is judging you. You’ll probably have to talk to others while still being anxious, but it will get a bit easier with time. And if you’re still feeling too anxious, maybe try therapy, if it’s a possible option of course. We all want to have friends but I think we’re all more lonely than we show, so it might help to think of someone else as a person who is just as lonely as you are.

Edit: hey is someone has more information to help anon please say so in the reply section of the post, please?

[thec0untry]

Its like

I completely emptied my life out a few times in the past few years

People possessions passions. New places new jobs new everything

And i never want to do that again

And now it's been a long time since i last did that

And I knew when this time in the mountains started last October and i felt more alone than i think i had ever felt before that what i would be forced to confront in the coming months was this exact loneliness, feel the consequence of enforcing artificial scarcity on everything i know

Life is artless

Life is spilling coffee at the cafe and using my shirt to clean it up before anyone notices

And now october was forever ago but i'm forced to be in the same place. And when i leave this place later this year im going somewhere else i'm going to chicago and i'm going to be really alone there too. all of the people i love are in one place but I can't go back there really i just don't want to go back there. There are people here but they arent mine.

Every day i end up accidentally asking myself: 'why does my life feel so empty?'

Because i emptied it.

But that was a long time ago. Now my life isnt so empty, i've figured out how to not feel so alone and get through every day feeling ok. I talk on the phone a lot. Hours a day.I try not to drink too much.

But i look around at my apartment. Im grateful for this apartment. but it isnt beautiful and i don't own very many things that bring me joy--reading poetics of space--all of the urban limitation of space, none of the urban crush, there is no rhythm...there are bears outside...but these problems are things that naturally evaporate as u continue being alive, no? Like i was seeing this girl and even though she just moved here and was leaving really soon she had a car she loved, and people, and clothes, and decorations. she could bring her place around with her as if turtle. she had a family who she loved. and she hadnt destroyed everything.

It's also really weird being 22 and 0 parent contact no people like that anymore. like fasho everyones on their own by this age but like...people bring parents up a lot. i believe this provides some sort of psychic floor.

not new problems--that is the thing. if i made time line in october 2023: 'what will emotional world be for next year'

october-depressed no money

november-really really depressed. Try to set apartment up.

december- i have money, i m more settled. I m alone. i bought lalique encre noire

january-new year. New air. the obsolescence of the forms that developed by the end of the previous year will be made known. i need new clothes all i Do is work: A few uniqlo orders.

february - What am i doing. i'm ok now but what am i doing. I really want a girilfriend. Everyone is having fun here, i just drive the bus and listen to bladee read books kinda work friends but everyone just talks about skiing idk about any of it. Bored it's cold out

march - Ok i got a girlfriend............wwoooaaahhhhhhh ... springtime(?)

April-my new girlfriend is leaving town FUCK!!!! Everyone is leaving town but i'm not because i need more moneyh to move to chicago.

may-ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what am i doing. O yea that's right saving money. however, what else

june-what the FUCK am i doing! If im working allthe time i should buy some clothes.

july-Everyone says june july big summer months in this town. A million times from some: "Nick, we're going to get you outside." like ok fasho sitting on rubber things floating on water drinking beer maybe once. Trying not to be antisocial but damn these bruhs are boring

august-probably still alone...maybe visit Las VEgas and see everyone again.

september--i'm leaving...everything is transparent...every wall is pure white...

any i would have been exactly correct!

it is strange to have nothing to look forward to. i think about moving to chicago, it is abstract but also like i think about it: i get there, i get job figured out , i have some apartment with reddit peo[le. there's money again so i don't need to worry too much. But the feeling is not like how i felt moving to nyc: stomach buzz. Because i was doing that with someone. with number 1. but this is just me. undifferentiated sea of me. but i am 22: a young man. there are many people. does anyone have feeling like having people lifetime connections u know will be with u forever cuz theyve already seen u thru crazy? and then the thought of building new friendships of same gravity seems insane? like not even impossible just like...the .last person who entered my life and became a fundamental part of my world was spring2022. so like i just move to chicago and exist there whateva that means and eventually i meet more people who i cant imagine living without? Do it all over again? Because like more banal friendships low key do not interest very much. LIike its love only. But also im older i have less to figure out. a lot less: gratitude! but like now that im fine most of the time what is the fabric of a friendship if it isnt founded on some very basic fractured element of your respective psyches?

But also solitude has revealed many things. one: thinking, hypothesizing about all life is futile. every form takes another form and impermanence is truth. When things actually happen they never feel anything like you expect them to.

i need to keep this sapphire of social life in my mind: be the realest bruh anyone has ever met and everything else will iron itself out.

[therianhelp]

help how do i talk to people online. (context, i found a therian buddy in my area on tiktok and im trying to strike up a friendship. I know there a minor and close to my age, so no worries for groomers/pedos and such, only about three years apart.Ive had friends in this range so its not much a worry for me. We've started chatting through discord and im trying to keep up conversation but ive always had diffulculty keeping conversation in private dms.)

thanks for the Ask! it sounds like you struggle to keep in contact even when you want to - by no means do I have it all figured out, but as an Autistic person I can relate, so maybe I can offer some advice:

1. It might help maintain the relationship through periods of low or no contact if you explain to them ahead of time that you tend to do that due to [whatever reason it may be - Autism, depression, life circumstances, etc] but that you do in fact wanna stay friends even if you can’t talk for a while

2. assuming you’ve established some level of friendship, and especially if you’ve explained the above, it’s okay to message them out of the blue after a few days, a week, or even multiple weeks of silence. for me, it feels less and less possible to restart communication the more time goes on, but if you both wanna be friends they’ll just be glad to hear from you

3. you don’t have to have a good reason to message them - while a life update like “I aced my test last friday” is perfectly valid, you don’t need to wait for something like that to happen to text about. just send them memes/tiktoks/etc, even out of context, or with a “thought you’d like this” or something. you can also ask them how they’re doing, especially if you can remember something specific to ask about (like “how was your trip to the zoo?”), or even just say “hey I’d like to talk but I’ve been having a really hard time getting myself to send this, is there anything you wanna talk about?”

4. you also don’t have to apologise every time you message for not having messaged sooner. I know it feels bad to not be able to keep up frequent communication, but ime it’s less harmful to the relationship if you kinda just pick up where you left off like no time has passed

I do feel obligated to be the boring nagging adult for a second though: please do be careful with trusting people based on assumptions, eg. “they’re my age, so they can’t be a pedo.” of course it’s perfectly possible (arguably even most likely) that they are just a normal therian kid tryna make friends, but especially if you haven’t seen them in live video, they could also be a grown perv just telling you they’re your age to lower your defences. plus, kids your age can be dangerous too, especially if you meet up in person (since you said they’re in your area); they could turn out to be a not-great person or come with an adult who has bad intentions. I’m just saying, keep an eye out for red flags regardless of categories (like, just because someone’s female, for example, doesn’t mean they’re safe to meet alone). practice standard safety things like telling trusted people in your life about this person, and especially if you do meet up irl, tell people where you’re going and when you’ll be back, only meet in very public places, etc

but hopefully (and odds are that) they’re just another kid you can share cool quadrobics videos with. wishing you the best of luck in making and keeping good friends!

[meltotheany]

hi hi friends! i hope you’re all doing well. june was a little bit of a whirlwind for me, but i was still able to read six things that i can’t wait to talk about with you! june is also my army anniversary with bts, and this year was the fifth! which feels very insane to type! but jimin also dropped a song the exact day, so the month for sure is ending on a happy note! but let’s get into the six books i read this month! 💜 ✨ Jujutsu Kaisen, Vol. 04 by Gege Akutami ⭐⭐⭐ ➛ vol. 1 ★★★★ ➛ vol. 2 ★★★ ➛ vol. 3 ★★★ i really am loving every itadori and sukuna interaction/moment. honestly, sukuna was my favorite character in this fourth installment, and im not sure what that says about me, but here we are. my heart @ junpei, fully and utterly. mahito, after my fave scene with sukuna, thinks up a new mission to steal some remaining cursed fingers of sukuna. but besides that, we get to see the start of the good year event, which is a team battle of different schools, where the most exorcisms win. but obviously, itadori is a target all on his own. so, so, so excited to continue on, probably extra because of the cliffhanger ending feeling of this, too! trigger + content warnings: fighting / battle, violence, blood, gore, death, talk of bullying ✨ One Perfect Couple by Ruth Ware ⭐⭐ i feel like i really can’t talk about this book without getting into a little spoilery territory, so please skip over this review if you wish to know nothing about this thriller! (and i do say thriller and not thriller mystery because there really isn’t much mystery to this story whatsoever, which is also probably a reason i didn’t enjoy it as much!) but i picked this up because 1) i have enjoyed ruth ware in the past and 2) the girls were saying survivor meets love island and i will always be here for that set up! But instead of love island and survivor, we get lord of the flies and men’s rights activists. our main character, lyla, reluctantly agrees to go on a reality tv dating show, set on a secluded island, because her boyfriend is an actor and really begs her to do it because it could be very good for his career. lyla’s lab contract is up next month, and the funding renewal isn’t looking too good, so she also agrees under the condition that she can work on her paper and that she can only be on the island for two weeks. but after filming for only 24 hours, a big storm comes that is not only deadly but has completely made the people on the island not be able to contact anyone to come save them. And then she and the rest of the people are trying to survive while… red pill lord of the flies ensues. i really do respect making the villain who it was, and i respect the talk of the manosphere and the following these mens right activities accumulate on youtube and other platforms that also leads to the perpetuation of violence against women. but oh my god, i just hated reading about this man with all the sum of hate i have in my body. after that storm, that man would have been GONE by me and me alone and i would not have… done what they did at the end (even though that’s an important discussion too, and it does make sense, but again – i just hated reading about it!) i hope if you pick this one up, you have more fun reading it than i did, friends! trigger + content warnings (these will content some plot spoilers so please use caution or do not read if you do not need to know any tw/cws): extremely bad storms, talk of fear of water, extremely abusive relationships, blood, death, drowning, talk of loss of parent in past (one sentence), suicide mentions, not having the insulin that you need, grief, depression, loss of partner, grooming in past, and discussion of men’s rights activists throughout (always in a negative light but it is a lot) ✨ Heir of Fire (Throne of Glass, #3) by Sarah J. Maas (reread) ⭐⭐⭐⭐ “You cannot pick and choose what parts of her to love.” listen, 2015 melanie gave this two stars and i am 99% sure that was just because i shipped celaena...

[her-name-is-suicide]

The worst thing about it all is that everything i worried would happen and kept telling myself "no its just bad thoughts you're gonna be fine" ended up coming true.

I was so afraid of being alone, i didnt even see how lonely i am when i had him because he distracted me and i always had someone's to talk to endlessly...even when i didnt want to talk to him and treated him kinda bad and distant i still had him. And i was so scared of being compliant alone.. convinced myself i wont be so alone and well ... I am.

I have no one to talk to, none of my friends are real friends, i can have short talks and sometimes vent but i can't just bother them all day.. if i wont call or text no one will probably talk to me all day.

And of course no one is to blame by myself, im not good in keeping friends i was never normal enough always either too heavy or too much "adhd" or whatever u know. And im just fucking lonely. And i don't know if i miss him or if i just miss having someone... I feel like i miss him terribly but when i remember our conversations and time spent together im like ugh shut up ..

Also last week when he came over for sex he was just kind of annoying and i was like ugh, but then i cried .. everything is so confusing, heartbreak is fucking hard even when you chose it, the sadness is so deep i seriously haven't felt this depressed since i literally had depression at my teenage years (it was bad like suicide bad).

And everyday i feel the sadness again and in like fuck.... I just can't feel this anymore... And i have mental image flashes of hurting myself like i used to, and i was such a bad student this semester and now its exams season and im fucked, and i smoke like a fucking drug addict, and im just sad every single day, no days off, its exhausting. And I have to function become if I won't i will fall even deeper but man do i just want to fucking lose it the fuck up like i want to fucking lose it and runaway..

And i want to talk to him about this and i cant... Because it's not fair.. and i already broke no contact and that lead to this traumatic sad and crazy sex with the ex, so I can't anymore .

but i do have the house the myself in July so i kinda want it again but fuck it was fucking heart shattering ..

Anyways good thing i still have this user and i can use it a diary no one see.

[sti11dreaming]

October 10 2019

“I thought I’d die if I ran like crazy. It left me breathless and it was painful but I didn’t die. People don’t die so easily.” - pieta in the toilet 

It seems like certain behaviors hold a monopoly over mental illness. If you don’t act in the way that mainstream media portrays anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness you’re not suffering, and therefore aren’t worthy enough to receive the support you so desperately need. In my experience, mental illness is supposed to be loud and obvious, not silent and deceiving. This creates a complex dilemma for someone like me. I’ve learned to cry in quiet corners, and hide anxiety behind delayed deadlines and minimal human contact. Some days, it takes me an extra 30 minutes to get out of bed, because my depression is telling me there’s no point in doing so. Other days, my anxiety tells me that if I get up I’m going to ruin some major aspect of my life anyway, so it’s safer to stay under the covers. When these two come together it feels like a brick trying to break its way through my chest.

I can recall a time when my grievances were easier to read from an outsider’s perspective.

I had endured similar conversations before, but it was in that moment where I learned my feelings could be interpreted as a nuisance or even a threat to those who were supposed to be helping me. If I wanted to be taken seriously, or have my feelings deemed valid, I’d have to fight like hell for it. Fifteen-year-old me didn’t have the energy for that. And sixteen-year-old me not only doesn’t have the time but is keenly aware that she shouldn’t have to fight for same basic human decency that is so easily given to other girls; girls who are viewed as more fragile, and more deserving of that extra care. Somehow their mental illness is more legitimate than mine because it can be heard from miles.

Mine is quieter and unsure of itself, not sure if what im going through is an actual affront to my health or if the problem is too much of an anomaly to garner attention, or worse, it could make people think i’ve fabricated the whole thing. That is why I tend to keep my feelings to myself now. I don’t want to go through the humiliation of justifying my emotions to someone again. Sometimes, I am okay with this. Considering that I feel ok being alone, and I usually prefer to be left alone.

Let's say that I know I am not a...easy person. Sometimes I don't talk for days, and when I talk it's just to argue over my existence and I don't care about anyone.I just want people to understand that I’m not a happy person. I’m sad most of the time. Sadly hopeful, sadly peaceful, sadly in love and sadly alive but I’m not really broken, yet. Sometimes I feel that I am damaged, but I really am not. I’ve recreated myself into this person, and I’m okay with what I see. Sometimes I see me when someone says something nice for something I wrote, or sometimes I see me when my mother is happy, or my brother talks with me, but I’ve never seen myself in anyone else’s eyes and feel like I’m going to be sadly okay for the rest of my life. That’s kind of what love is for me.

However, I still don’t believe my silence makes my mental illness any less severe than someone who’s more vocal about theirs.The other day my sister asked me why I always act so anxious. She said I need to stop. I wanted to tell her that it's not how it is. But I ended up crying silently because no one would believe the reasons why my brain starts shutting down all of sudden. It's a lengthy process. She maybe too thinks that I've been fabricating things all the way down there and maybe,I no longer want to fight against their words.But when it hurts ; I know it's real.

The way my depression manifests itself is the why I still check on my friends, even when it seems like they’re fine. Mental illness doesn’t look the same for everyone. You can’t always gauge how bad someone’s situation is by how angry or happy they “look.”Anxiety isn’t always someone shaking or not being able to breathe, and depression isn’t restricted to someone sobbing in the middle of the street. These things can look detached, it can be taking an hour or four to reply back to a text. I know I have trouble with asking for help, and that makes it difficult for the people who care about me to give me the support I need. They don't understand anyway. I’m trying really hard but I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt when it really does.

I don’t like writing anymore. I’m tired. I have empathy for everyone but me.

Yet, I’m allowing myself to feel my sadness and anger. It’s supposed to heal me they said, I’ve never been in so much pain. My brain feels like it’s failing me. It doesn’t work. I wish people didn’t die. My mind is full of “I wish”s and “what if”s. That’s probably why I’m so anxious.

The past ten months have been rough. Of course I’m depressed , devastated and deranged .I’m still trying to figure out how everything went wrong so fast. I just sit in my room, and stare at the wall, and I can see myself getting worse day by day, and I’m just so freaking exhausted. I don’t even know if I'm breathing. I feel as if I'm lying under a trash pile. I am the garbage everyone wants out. Nothing is alright anymore.i feel so fucking alone and disgusting .It’s OK to be sad. But I can’t let go of the guilt I’ve attached to it. I fight with myself a lot. My life is going really well despite everything that’s happened. My depression is selfish. At least that’s what my brain is telling me. That’s what makes me so upset.

People tell me all of the time that suicide is a long term solution to a temporary problem. The only issue I have with this is that my mind isnt temporary.

I do not really know whether I have survived. My inner self has shut itself up more and more. As though to protect itself, it has become inaccessible to me.

Writing this is not as cathartic as I want it to be. After not being able to cope up with anything for months, you’d think I’d have something interesting to say. I can’t hear or see any of my accomplishments. Everything is really flat at the moment. I’m not miserable, but I don’t feel like I’m here in the world. is the world even for me? I ask this question every hour because I progressively feel less safe as each day passes .

I’ve been dealing with some really weird problem for almost three years now, and every time I tried to talk with my family they’d brush it off as an exaggeration. I never got to see a kind and competent person who took all of my complaints seriously and did everything in their power to figure out what the problem was. No one who quelled my fears and let me know that what I’m going through isn’t anywhere near fatal or serious, but I need to take better care of myself.That kept changing my attitude immensely towards my family increasing the distance , and I think I'm tired of being with them. I value human Human connection before anything. I don't care if it's the blood.

I've started feeling more claustrophobic than ever. At some point, I want to isolate myself from everyone.i want to run away from everything as my anxiety has never been extinguished, my mental health that's never been looked after. On top of that I'm already having some really odd symptoms, carrying around this fear of having some serious disappointment issues which was keeping from getting so much stuff done. I wish I could bring myself to happy.

I’ve been living in my own bubble for the past few weeks, trying as hard as I can to focus on my schoolwork because I’m constantly worrying that I won’t pass my exams. This worry intensified when I got my mock results and I got an F. I am still trying somehow.

When in actuality, I feel like I’m dying inside constantly and I only look serious because I don’t feel comfortable around most of my peers.They are always looking down on me for a certain reason.The girls who talk with me sometimes act like I'm an extra person who's ruining their mood at lunch time. I saw them making disgusting faces at my self harm scars . Probably thinking something embarrassing and unrelated to me. I told them it's cat scratches and laughed loudly. I was the only one laughing in the room.So I have decided to wander alone at the lunch hour. I feel like a fool.I sit in the back of the class. Mostly, alone. It has never been because I don't know what I'm doing. Even if that's true. It has never been cause I'm a bad student. Whether or not I am, it has only been cause I don't want to be seen. I don't want their glares to consume me. It's been already so much painful. I cry like rain in the spring so they evaporate into the sleepy mistake easily. That's why I'm in the back of the class, behind everyone cause every single task I try to do, every second of reading chemical revolution and for every math I should be solving faster; I'm sorry I'm struggling. I feel so much self pity at most of the point that I just want to end myself and end it all. I wish they could know that my favourite movie is Willy Wonka chocolate factory but they prejudge me so I guess they’ll continue to assume that I’m so serious that sometimes I feel like no one is real. Lately I've realized that it's always a better option, instead of telling someone how tragic I feel, I put in headphones and load myself with studies and try to keep away from crying. But that made me cry even more. I always had snitches and had a hard time trying to keep a secret that- I'm hurt, I'm depressed, so I read my global studies loud ; but in the end all I want to do is to burn this pages , take off this painting of pretending and tell every single person I met that, I am not alright.

Crying doesn't release the burden from my chest anymore. If I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me.

My face melts away a little more each time I pass a mirror. I’m scared of the day I’ll look at it and see nothing staring back. I’ve remembered how to cry again, but now I just do it because I’m scared. The scar on my left arm, a muffled chord progression, the bottle of antiseptic under my be - I know I didn’t make them up, I wouldn’t know how to. But they’re gone all the same and I don’t want my mind to paint itself a liar. It scares me every time I search the pages just to find new holes torn in them. If my mother didn’t say that, why do those words ache? If I’ve never heard that story, why do I know the ending? I’m trying to commit myself to memory before both my mind and body complete their vanishing act. I need to know that even if I forget a little more of myself every day, that someone will think of me. Tell me I’m funny, crazy, anything - have an opinion of me so I can cry a little bit every time about having succeeded in the act of being here. I’ve learned that you can’t disappear if people love you, so I’ll do anything for anyone. I break bits off of myself and give them to whoever needs me most. No matter how exhausting they are to take care of. People with rarity and broken hearts ; they can keep my memories far safer than anyone can.

I was in battle with my mind during all of my final exams. Sometimes, with a song that just wouldn’t get out of my head as I tried to focus on the VERY important task at hand. Other times, it was trying to stop the intrusive thoughts that screamed horrible things in my head. During my math final, I couldn’t figure out something very simple and my brain decided to remind me that these are the grades colleges look at. I started panicking about not getting into any college at all, which caused me to have to take a break to prevent myself from crying. Which caused me to have less time to finish the test. Which made me panic even more.

Finals week has pushed me to the absolute limit. I am not a test score, and from now on I’m not going to treat myself like one.

I hope one day I'll stop mourning about my past and myself.I hope I'll be able to let go the guilt of being a person no one wanted me to be. But does this make any sense yet?

My god, what an absolutely...shattering experience it’s been. It’s left me with such profoundly stupid questions like...who the fuck am I? Why does this hurt so much? How can I make it stop? And the best question of all, does it even fucking matter? ”

[bisognamorire]

Dear A.,

You wrote that this recent contact has been really hard for you. I agree, it has been for me too. Yet I wanted to bear it, if it meant we could come out more peacefully at the other side of the tunnel.

It pains me to think that I am not allowed to ever send you a postcard or a letter again and that this last message you had sent me, will be your last words to me until we go into our graves. I would’ve liked to hear your voice say it, because the voice in my head makes it sound very apathetic and robotic, even though iI think you were trying your utmost to restrict your emotions as to not incite mine (but they’re always incited anyway). The thought, that this is how we take this state of affairs into our graves, makes me feel doomed, unable to change my fate.

I wonder if thats how Bosie felt, after Oscar had died and he was unable to reconcile with him for the rest of his life. His poem resonates with me.

The Wastes of Time

If you came back, perhaps you would not find

The old enchantment, nor again discern

The altered face of love. The wheels yet turn

That clocked the wasted hours, the spirit’s wind

Still fans the embers in the hidden mind.

But if I cried to you, “Return! return!”

How could you come? How could you ever learn

The old ways you have left so far behind?

How sweetly, forged in sleep, come dreams that make

Swift wings and ships that sail the estranging sea,

Less roughly than blown rose-leaves in a bowl,

To harboured bliss. But oh! the pain to wake

In empty night seeking what may not be

Till the dead flesh set free the living soul.

Even if I am not supposed to contact you, perhaps you could bear to send me something in a while? A postcard from a vacation maybe. A little ‘im thinking of you’, a little ‘i miss you’, just please don’t never ever speak to me again for the rest of our lives.

Last week, in order to somehow soothe myself, I went to the city and just walked around aimlessly, mindlessly, I wasn’t in my body, I felt the world was unreal and I was moving through cotton. My mind was reeling with everything.

I blew the rest of this month’s money on a game I had wanted to get for some time, it is called Lies of P, the main character is this twinky malnourished victorian guy. But the game is really difficult and frustrating to play. When I am not at work these days (I work three different shifts), or sleep to recover from changing shifts at work, I try to play it to distract myself from entering an anxiety spiral about everything between us. Last summer, when dad died, I was very preoccupied because my family came together and we were doing little activities every day. So I was able to battle my depression by filling my days with life. I would’ve fallen apart had I not had that in this time. Too much had happened in the first six months of the year, it was simply too much.

But things have gone back to normal and I’m just constantly alone. Even though I do try to make friends. I sometimes attend a local tolkien fan club, but most people there already have gray hair. I try to not be so suspicious of people. Yet still, it seems like everybody is just upset with me being a mental trainwreck. Sharon visited me upstairs a few days ago and gave me a one hour lecture of why I cant continue like this and that I am not trying hard enough to not be depressed etc. i felt like I don’t want to exist anymore after that. I try my best everywhere and with everyone but its still not enough. I do everything wrong and hurt the people around me, without meaning to.

It is all very dismal and disheartening, I realise, when I write this.

All my love, your insane

Sabo

[vociferans]

so uh. Funny stuff kinda been happenin. apparently a couple friends admitted that i was basically rizzing everyone around me simply by existing ever since the first day of school ?????

and then a close friend told me (as well as the opinions of several others since the first day of school AND LIKE. SMTH I PERSONALLY NOTICED AS WELL) is that he naturally just excudes a lot of charm and charisma

BUT WHEN. WE'RE IN THE SAME PLACE FACING EACH OTHER ALL THAT RIZZ GOES OUT THE WINDOW. LIKE WE'RE FINE WHEN ONE IS TURNED AWAY. BUT THE MOMENT EYE CONTACT IS ESTABLISHED BOOM.

RIZZLESS. SUDDENLY FORGETS HOW TO SAY ANYTHING EVER AND CANT EVEN BE NORMAL FOR A SIMPLE SECOND

both sides have thought that the other was a player since we've both been confessed to by other ppl and we p much had the same responses to those, ignoring and/or dodging, because we dont rlly wanna address those stuff, AND WHENEVER ONE OF US GETS CLOSE TO THE OTHER, THE OTHER PERSON ENDS UP DRAWING AWAY AND ITS JUST DHAJDHJJSH LOWKEY TERRIBLE

both of us have felt incredibly ecstatic and broken hearted and depressed and jealous and erratic and ridiculous based on how we interact with others, and how we've both thought that the other was interested in someone else, or that the other person was just leading them on, or that we were just playing with each other's feelings. No we're just confusing as hell LOL

cause our classroom and i think ppl from other sections have known and/or are starting to know that He has a crush on someone in class, and that *I* very obviously had one as well but have gotten more lowkey about it, however they dont know who exactly we were crushing on, which meant we were unintentionally giving mixed signals to everyone we accidentally glanced at while lookin for each other HHSAHS

SO ANYWAY I KINDA ADMITTED SMTH TODAY AFTER I SMACKED HIM WITH A CLEAR FOLDER OVER HIS HEAD (but i made sure he wasnt actually hurt) AND THEN IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZED FOR IT

and i said. "it's not that i don't like you" LIKE WHAT KINDA TSUNDERE ASS VBDIQNHEKW FIRST I PUNCHED HIM OUT OF EXCITEMENT AFTER OUR INTRAMS DANCE WHILE HE WAS WAITING FOR ME WHEN WE EXITED, AND THEN YESTERDAY WHEN WE WERE ALMOST ALONE TOGETHER (there were two other ppl unfortunately which made me feel INCREDIBLY AWKWARD) I JUST. SMACKED HIM. WITH MY FOLDER OF NOTES. WHY

AND THEN APOLOGIZED WITH *THAT* LINE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL YHINGS LJKE AJEKQOQHRQODHOWWJQODJKE

what kind of damn tropey ass. romance series is this like. Several people have described all this painful pining and longing as like some kinda kdrama or rlly cheesy ass fanfic BC LIKE. THERES ALSO THE INTERPERSONAL DRAMA BETWEEN THE FACT THAT SEVERAL PPL HAVE CRUSHES ON BOTH OF US SEPARATELY. AND THERES SEVERAL OF EM THAT ARE IN OUR OWN CLASS SO ITS LIKE

THAT WAS LITERALLY THE REASON WHY NEITHER HIM OR I PROPERLY MADE A MOVE BC WE KNEW OUR FRIENDS OR ACQUAINTANCES LIKED THE OTHER PERSON AND WE DIDNT WANNA IMPOSE BUT NOW I THINK WE'VE BOTH DISREGARDED THAT ENTIRELY LIKE

we both dont care abt what others have to say anymore we just wanna be togetehfbwjbrje2nr

BUT WE HAVE HORRIBLE TIMING TOO BC JUST TODAY THERE WAS A SCHOOL ANNOUNCEMENT ABT BEING STRICTLY AGAINST PDA WHICH MEANT. NO HOLDING HANDS AND NO KISSING AND LIKE. DAMN. DAMNIT. IM LITERALLY LIKE VERY AFFECTIONATE WITH MY FRIENDS

its to the point where ppl often mistake me for a lesbian or bi or Something bc im very close and hug my friends often and hold their hands n all and been told SEVERAL TIMES THAT I LOOKED LIKE MY FRIENDS' BOYFRIEND LOL

SO ANYWAYS. THE ANNOUCEMENT SAID THAT, "TRUE LOVE WAITS" AND I LITERALLY WJWKABSU when that was announced in class i had Such an obvious WHAT reaction and kept joking abt it for the rest of the day whenever i hung out with my friends and when i first read it in amusement and Lowkey like. Disappointment? He was there watching my expression and his friends teased him abt it too

ajgsjqhajsj i would talk abt all the similarities we have with each other and how he planned somethin that we've both been rlly lookin forward to but i havwnt eaten dinner yet bc when i went home i just fell asleep IMMEDIATELY and im hungry LOL

anyway i hope he asks me out tomorrow otherwise ill just be the one who'll do it directly on friday even if its while everyone else is in class bc i absolutely REFUSE to end this week without any weekend plans or confirmed date i absolute refuse and both of us have been anxiously lookin forward to one, and both of us have been incredibly restless about it for like several weeks so it HAS to happen, like both of our respective friend groups and the ones we share have literally been tryin SO hard to give us several opportunities to show off the other person and like get the other to confess OR LIKE FOR US TO PROPERLY TALK SO AHDMAHRPQHEPQHROQBRKQK

[floral-hex]

I don’t know why I’m writing this.

My hearing has kind of gone out again. By “out” I mean I am overwhelmed by tinnitus, dead air, distorted hearing. My hearing aids don’t help, they just make the muddle louder. I’m in a bad place. I feel sick. I’m having a hard time eating. I’m sleeping too much. It’s not just hearing loss, there’s a mental component to it. I feel closed off. I feel so alone. I haven’t been this depressed in awhile. I shouldn’t have stopped antidepressants and now I’m scared to start again because starting them is always the worst, and, well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few days. I can’t see myself living with this for long. I’m scared. I’m alone. Even around others, I feel alone because I can’t understand them and I hate forcing myself and my problems on them. My mother asked how my hearing was today and I broke down in front of her. She’s not my therapist, I hate putting my problems on her, but I couldn’t hold it. I’ve been so desperate for some human contact, for someone to vent to, that I just started weeping. I told her I’m scared about how I’ll live, that I’m falling apart and have been thinking about ending things. We talked for a bit and she said she’d help me make some appointments tomorrow since I can’t really hear right now. I hate this. I hate making her worry. Telling your mom you want to kill yourself… fucking sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. She said she’d take me to the hospital at any hour, if I needed it. She doesn’t deserve that pain. Im not going to do anything harmful. I haven’t reached that point. I’d never want to hurt my family like that. I couldn’t imagine leaving my little brothers. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

I wish I could move to some deaf commune like from Sound of Metal. I wish there was a place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Just give me a simple job, a small room, 3 meals a day, and that’s all I want. I’m so lost. I have no friends. No prospects. I miss my dad. I miss being small and having someone else in control. I miss having a partner there, just someone next to me in bed, some other warm body to hold on to when I need physical comfort. I’m sitting in the kitchen right now because I can’t be in my room right now. It feels like a tomb. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. I hate that I’ve been sleeping all day. I have no where to go and I feel alone. I cancelled my gym membership. Too much money and I didn’t have the transportation. They used to be 24 hours before covid. When I first moved back to Arkansas, I was depressed like this. I’d go to the gym at about this time of night while I was depressed. I miss that. Some place to go when my mind needed distracting. Now I have nowhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to keep writing because I need this distraction. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t know if I want them to. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have friends online anymore. Mutuals keep deleting. All my old friends have moved on. I’m bad at chatting with new friends because I have nothing to talk about. I have such a nothing life. I feel ashamed when people ask about me, about my life.

You want to know about me? I’m… fuck, I don’t remember how old I am. Fuck, I’m 34. I’m 34 and unemployed. I dropped out of college. I can’t hold a job. I was excited about trying to get a job, I thought my hearing had been holding up, I was going to send out applications, I swear, but this present problem has just made me feel hopeless. I can’t make friends because I’m 34, unemployed, live with my family, and have no hobbies besides sleeping and just surviving. I’m sorry. I want to be your friend. I want people to be my friend. I don’t want to die and be forgotten. I put out albums in my 20s! I had a cooking show in high school! I had friends, I went to concerts, I’ve had so many cats. I’m going to be forgotten. My bandcamp will never get visited. I have albums worth of instrumentals I wrote in my early 20s that no one will ever hear. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for years, but I’ve never sat down to actually write. My own family won’t know about these things. I’m going to be forgotten and that feels worse than death. I need my family and friends to know how much I love them. I love them so much. They’re the only reason I don’t want to go. I want to see my brothers grow up. Im so scared. I’m scared for them and I can’t help them. I have nothing to offer them. The world is too heavy. And they’ll be off to college soon enough and I’ll never see them. They’re at that age where they go straight to their room, they don’t talk to me much. I miss watching movies with my little brother. I miss playing video games with them. Talking with them. I just want to hold them and tell them I love them. That they saved my life. That I’ll be here for them as long as I can so please, please don’t shut me out. Please just sit and watch a dumb movie with me and be with me for a little bit because I need to be with them, in that moment, while they’re young, so I can remember this. They’re going to go off to college, they’re going to go live their lives, and I’ll still be here and I know they’ll still love me but I won’t matter as much. I’m worried about my mom. She’s sick all the time. She can’t work anymore. Life is crushing down on us. I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to leave us. I don’t want her to leave her teenage sons. That’s not fair. They need their mom. Their dad already ran off. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want them to be 20 and scared and miss their mom. I wish I could be there for them. I told her I was worried about losing her, and she said she could live another 10 years. That sounds like no time at all. 10 years, if we’re lucky. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want my brothers to lose her.

All I see is everything’s expiration date. I’m so focused on the end. I want to be here, now, but I’m so scared. I’m wasting it. It’s 2:40 in the morning and the world feels dead. I feel like I’m on a dead planet and I’m just sitting here, rotting and postponing the end. It could just end right now, tonight. I know it would be scary, but when it happens, it’s just dark and nothing. Once I passes out giving blood. It was just dizziness, nausea, and then nothing. When I came to, I was surprised how… nothing, it was. It just happened and it was nothingness. No dreams, just gone. I know it’s not the same, but it also kind of is. I’m scared. I don’t want that. I don’t want nothing. I want life. I want to be happy. Please, I need something, I need to be happy, I need a life. I need friends and I need a job and my family and I need my hearing to just fucking figure itself out. I can’t do this “one month of good hearings, one month of bad hearing, repeat.” If I can just survive a little while, I know it’s bad right now. It gets bad.

I have to be positive. I have to be. So tomorrow I’m going to make some appointments, or my mom will if I can’t hear, and I’m going to try to get on some antidepressants, even though I’m scared about how I’ll feel, and I’m going to beg for something like Xanax to help give me immediate relief for these ever increasing moments of massive anxiety and hopelessness. I’m going to try to demand ear tubes. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I’m lost. I’m desperate. Please, just do this small unnecessary surgery so I can feel like I’m doing something. I think I’m going to go back to therapy. I haven’t been in years. I wish weed was legal here, because god knows I need it, but it’s not like I could afford it if I could buy it. I need money. I need to go out. I feel so closed off. I need to go to the movies or bowling or even just back to a gym. Please please let my hearing clear up so I can get a simple job and have some kind of pay check. I shouldn’t be this old and feel this lost.

So now it’s 2:45. I’m in the kitchen. I drank some coffee because I needed the caffeine and sugar to hopefully give me a dopamine boost. I don’t know if it did. I’ve just been crying this whole time, so I don’t know. I slept all day. I need to be awake during the day, so I shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but I think soon I’m going to take some Benadryl, take a shower, and try to sleep until the sun comes up. I feel sick. I’ve been sleeping too much. I have no appetite so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but it’s all tasteless and hard to swallow. I’ve been here before. I know it can get better. I don’t know how, I mean, everything else seems to be collapsing inward on my family right now, but… I have to believe things can get better. I feel like I’m choking right now. I feel trapped and suffocating. I’m so nauseas and sick and scared. I just want someone to walk in and say “hey, can I sit with you awhile?” I’ll keep going, but this is…

AND I can’t fucking use this app because it eats my battery and overheats my phone! What the hell.

Okay, 3 a.m. 3:05. What am I doing

I ran out of space for tags. This is too long. No one is going to read any of this. Why would you? You shouldn’t. It’s like a really long sad sad rant. Aaaaaaaa I’m losing it. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Half tempted to join a cult so I can just live with a group of people that control my life for me. I know that’s a shitty joke and cults are terrible, but also my brain is so bad and I feel so hopeless that when I say I’m half joking, I really do mean I’m partially serious. Sure sure, you’re God, dude, that’s cool, I’ll believe that, just give me a bed, 3 meals, and I’m in. Aaaahh ughhhh 3:15. What am I doing? How many followers will I lose for this? Why do I even have this blog? I’ve been on here for, I don’t know… I want to guess 15 years. Maybe more, maybe less. I don’t know why. It’s some connection to the outside world. No one talks to me on here. Sometimes they do. Some years they do, some years I just “exist” on here with very few interactions. It’s sad. I need real friends. I need a job so my coworkers can be friends. I need money to go out. I need self confidence and money and a job so I can join some dumb dating or friendship app, but right now… okay, I can’t go back down that road right now. Just scroll back up and reread my whining.

3:20. Distract myself. Keep writing. Distract. I can’t write forever. Okay. I need to go. I’ll be okay. I’ll try to be. If you read some of this, I’m sorry, but maybe thank you. I don’t deserve you. This world is so scary and lonely. Thank you for being here. Really. I appreciate you.

[whatwewishwesaidandothersecrets]

hey. I know you don’t really update this blog, but I really needed to get something off my chest and I’m not comfortable saying it with someone I’m friends with online or in real life.

I read one of your posts about your own experiences with sexual assault and they were a bit similar so I understand completely if you don’t want to read this. Please don’t if you would feel uncomfortable with it in any way.

I was also sexually assaulted as a kid, when I was twelve, by my drama teacher. This happened to a few other girls in my class as well. Typically, he would feel me up and occasionally ask me to take my bra off. I was an early bloomer, so my chest was bigger than the other girls’, which made me particularly subject to this kind of treatment. Once, he put his hand down my pants.

I had depression that year. I cut my legs up. He encouraged me, for whatever sick reason. I was on the brink of suicide. I never got help or told anyone. Finally, one of the newer girls reported him for touching her breasts during rehearsal. He was fired, but never jailed. It took me a few years to recover, but I still have depressive episodes and self harmed still during college for a few months, while I was grieving. I’ve still never told anyone about it, not even my girlfriend. I’m scared. It’s been too long. If I tell anyone they’ll think i don’t trust them because I neglected reporting it for so long. I could get therapy to help me, but im impatient and I barely would have the funds anyway. I’m going to try and tell my girlfriend tomorrow. She, like me, has difficulty expressing feelings and being serious, so she might not be the best person to tell first, but I love her more than anything and I don’t know who else to turn to. Wish me luck, I guess.

First of all let me say I am so so sorry. No one deserves that shit. Thank you for trusting me and telling me. I'm not sure what to say, but know that you are never alone, and whether you're on anon or not, you will always have my support. I hope that the people around you understand, this is always a hard topic. If you want to take action, would you be able to contact the other girls who were assaulted? You do not have to do anything if you don't want to, it's your life to do as you chose. I can find many resources if you need therapy but can't afford it, or we could even start a fundraiser. No one should EVER go through that. I am so proud of you for surviving <3 It takes a toll, but I am so glad you're alive. Good luck, I'm here for you, please let me know how you go. I have faith in you <33

[walkingdaryls]

what i honestly think it would be like to date loki

btw to those who have sent me requests...i see you! i promise. i’ve just been a bit unmotivated at the moment. so here’s this for now i guess LMAO

lemme just say right now...actually getting to the point of dating loki would take a long time

a LONG TIME

the enemies (but not rlly enemies) to allies to friends w tension to yearning / crushing on each other to lovers type thing

i mean have u seen how loki grew up??? he has major trust issues and doesn’t get close to people

i think it’d take a few years of extreme slowburn, arguing, and yearning w one another until feelings actually start to show

loki wouldn’t be afraid of staring - or eye contact, tbh

you’d just be sitting at one of tony’s famous parties, feeling slightly out of place while standing amidst a group of people avidly telling their own stories (let’s be real...it’s mainly tony talking)

and for just a quick second you let out a small comment that earns a couple grins and chuckles from the people around you

the conversation moves on, but you can’t help but feel loki’s intense gaze on you

and he doesn’t look away for a good ten seconds

or maybe you’ll just be eating dinner and loki will carefully watch you with soft eyes from across the table

he analyzes everything about you...

the way you raise a quizzical eyebrow, the way you avert your gaze away from him when his flirty comments make you nervous

the way you flip the pages of your book gently

the way your body just naturally leans into his touch

he notices everything.

everything.

loki most definitely is not a PDA person in my opinion . like at all

but the one thing he ALWAYS does. like ALWAYS, is have one hand placed gently on the small of your back

as a way to always somehow be touching you, and letting you know he’s there

(and ofc letting everyone else know)

but when alone, i honestly do think that touch is one of loki’s main love languages

he’s always touching your mf NECK

you don’t know why, and neither does he

but he’ll just come behind you and gently brush any hair to the side, and run his chilly fingers down your neck

or he’ll place a gentle kiss on your neck’s sweet spot after anything (after a heated make out session, after saying good morning, after dinner, ANYTHING)

he’s a neck guy ok i’ve decided

i also feel like loki is the type to act all macho and tough but he’ll be like

“actually, my dove, i guess you could paint my nails. i guess we could match. only green, though”

also this is a lil NSFW but loki is 100% INDEED A GOD NOT ONLY IN THE STREETS, BUT IN THE SHEETS AS WELL

he puts his powers to good use if ya know what i mean

seriously though, he worships you. WORSHIPS YOU. not only your body, but your mind, heart, and soul as well

anything intimate he goes into with pure passion because he believes it intertwines your souls together even more

ALSO i literally believe that loki, in the late hours of the night, while you two are sleepy in each other’s arms under the dim moonlight, will braid your hair gently

he’s quite good with his fingers

in more ways than one

after kissing you, loki likes poking you gently with his nose, then completely leaning into you, and pulling you into a tight embrace

i don’t see him as a huge cuddler while sleeping, but he ALWAYS is either holding your hand or having his arm/hand on you SOMEWHERE at least

always touching u!

now i know this is kind of depressing, but there would definitely be fights occasionally between you and loki

sometimes loki cant watch his tongue, and you end up storming out of the room in tears

or even if it’s something about him going out on missions and doing reckless shit and you’re TIRED OF IT

and he gets too defensive and you both end up stressed out and w raised voices, so you just storm out

but he never. EVER goes to sleep mad at you. he did it once and woke up feeling terrible and vowed to never let you two go to bed angry

by the end of the night, he’s kissed you wherever you’ve got tears falling, and whispers “im sorry, my dove” “forgive me, please”

you guys kiss a lot

like a lot

loki loves going on walks with you. it’s just something you’ve both normalized in your day to day routine together

you like to call loki “shakespeare” bc mf can be so dramatic sometimes and recite goddamn poems to you out of nowhere

but you honestly love it

LMAO sometimes i feel like during a make out session loki will just softly bite your ear for no reason

the first time u were like??? but you’re into it

you and loki out in public literally look exactly like that one picture of natalia dyer and charlie heaton

ya know...the one of them walking hand in hand on the streets, resting bitch faces, dressed all in black, big ass sunglasses, sharing earbuds

you guys truly are that couple

i feel like “mirrors” by justin timberlake just fits the relationship vibe. do u know what i mean?

BATHS TOGETHER. ALL THE MF TIME. he just loves skin on skin

loki loves you so much

like loki iS SO reserved around people (other than you) but if someone asks about you he will literally spill his heart out, talking about how you are truly an angel sent from heaven for him

he only has eyes for you. forever and always

soulmates

[absolutelyfizzing]

angels and demons

warren worthington x reader fluff

@shuckfaced-fangirl Hi! can I request a warren worthington x female mutant reader where her powers are shadow summoning? So I guess everyone in the school kind of views her as some sort of demon? With a lot of fluff? Thank you!!

Description - Y/N is a shadow summoner and is isolated from her peers. Warren helps her see that not everyone fears her and that she is worthy of affection.

warnings - its so fluffy. fem pronouns. some angsty stuff (isolation, depression, sadness), one innuendo, devastating fluff, warren being an angel. i tried to make it POC inclusive, please let me know if it feels restricting or excluding and i will edit it.

word count - 3700, i got carried away

A/N - im so sorry this took so long, i took a break from writing while i am working on moving to college. i will still be spotty for the next few weeks but hopefully, i will post a few more things in that time and then get back on a normal schedule. also, thanks so much for this request, i had a lot of fun writing it and i hope it is something you enjoy reading!

MASTERLIST

You walked through the halls with a lowered head. You knew that you made others uncomfortable and so you chose to try to make yourself as small and unthreatening as possible. You had been 'gifted' powers with which you could manipulate and create darkness. You were a shadow summoner. That wasn't a name that many found reassuring or comforting.

There were a few who could see past it and who was close to being what you might call friends but those people were few and far between. There were overwhelmingly more people who believed that you must have been a scary and mean person, that you were some sort of demon. This couldn't have been further from the truth if one were to look past appearances. Your shadow was larger and darker than that of your peers and it trailed behind you with a mind of its own, moving and growing without you even meaning for it to happen. Your hands were constantly covered in something darker and dustier than the rest of your skin, a deep and pure black. It trailed from the tips of your fingers and faded on your forearm so it looked as though you had just dipped your arms into a chimney or that shadows were crawling up your arms.

When you first got them, you thought they were sort of cool. They made you look sort of goth and that was fun. That feeling quickly faded when you saw how others, even your family, reacted. They said it was a curse from hell. You were barely convinced otherwise.

You sat away from others at the school during free periods. During lunch you sat alone and in the sun when you could, you hoped it might make others be less scared of you as it might make you look brighter but your shadow, dark and ominous, maintained a spot near you. You wore clothes that made you look more approachable to try to maintain that you weren't scary. Your brightly colored outfit didn't ever seem to work though, no matter how hard you tried.

You looked down at the food in your hands, the sandwich only half-eaten, and you noted your hands. They were so normal looking, your nails were well kept and you thought they were a good size. That they might even be a good size for someone to hold. The only thing was the unnaturally colored dust that seemed to cover them. It was a cool black, it glistened and sparkled in the sun when your fingers moved. It never moved or transferred to anything else, always stuck securely to your skin. You were distracted by the way your fingers seemed to shine when a shadow came near yours, wings outlined in it. You looked up to see a tall blond boy above you with curly hair and bags under his eyes. He nodded to a spot on the grass near you.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

You shook your head and even scooted away from the spot to give him more space despite the fact that you were in a large field.

"Do you want me to move?" You asked gently, wondering if maybe he wanted this particular spot and you took it from him unknowingly.

"I mean, I think that would sort of take away the whole point of me trying to sit with you." He smirked and you felt blood rush to your cheeks. "I like your hands" He hummed and you looked at him in shock. When his eyes met yours you tilted your head a bit.

"They don't bother you?" You tried to speak softly.

"No, I think they're awesome. They make you look punk." He smiled and you felt the corners of your mouth tug up a bit too.

"I like your wings." You almost mumbled as you allowed your gaze to move to the large feathery wings behind him. They moved in the wind and you found yourself wanting to run your fingers through them. "They make you look like an angel." You smiled and he groaned dramatically.

"I'm trying to look grunge." He pouted and you giggled a bit. At the sound, he looked up at you and blushed a bit. "Maybe we should trade."

"If I could trade you I would. Everyone is scared of how I look." You gazed back at the grass.

"I'm not." His simple statement made butterflies erupt in your stomach and you smiled a bit. You looked back at him and made eye contact for a moment.

"What's your name?" You asked and he maintained his gaze into your eyes. It was the most contact or conversation with someone else you'd had in a long time.

"I'm Warren." He smiled a bit and stuck a hand out to you to shake. You looked at his hand in shock. Nobody ever voluntarily touched your hands. Most of them worried that whatever was on them would spread. You hesitantly brought your hand to his, purposefully giving him plenty of time to remove his hand if he felt uncomfortable. But he didn't. Instead, your hand reached his and he shook it before letting go as if it was no big deal.

"I'm Y/N." You smiled a bit more and you felt a giggle come out of you from the joy of realizing this wasn't a dream, that someone was trying to talk to you and they weren't afraid.

"Is my name that funny?" He teased.

"No, I just-" you paused to think, "it's been so long since anyone has done this with me."

"Talked to you?" He questioned, obviously expecting you to say no and explain what you meant. Instead, you just nodded and his heart clenched for a moment. "Well, you can stick with me then."

"I don't know if you want your reputation to take a hit like that."

"My reputation is 'the angry and damaged kid', I'm sure it can handle the breaking news of me talking to a nice and pretty girl." He reassured before he even realized what he was saying. You could have cried at the feeling that rose up in your chest.

After that day, you stuck to his side like glue and he took no issue with it. The more you got to know him the more you appreciated the fact that he had taken you in. With his help, over the coming months, he helped you develop a stable friend group. That group included people like Ororo and Jane who had heard rumors about you and never bothered to check and see if they were real. They apologized profusely, especially Jean as she felt like she could have easily found out that you were kinder than she thought with her abilities but just had never done so, and you gladly accepted, just happy to be within a group.

You and Warren had developed a reputation. He was overly protective and gruff while you were overly nice and empathetic. You balanced each other well and if you were honest, you were in love with him. That always felt weird to say, you'd never been in love with anyone before but every second you spent with him made you more and more sure of your feelings.  

When you and Warren were together, you would daydream about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. Being held by him and wrapped in his wings. Getting to play with his unkempt hair. Holding his hand.

Sometimes he would try to encourage you to hold his hand. He would hold it out to you when he was helping you jump down from somewhere high. He would ask you to hand him things and then make decisive contact as he took it from you. He knew that it meant a lot to you, you practically gasped and blushed every time he did it. He had never met anyone so touch starved. He wanted to give you all the affection that you craved.

Unfortunately, Warren was rather oblivious, especially towards things like feelings and emotions. He had no clue that you had any interest in him, even though he hoped you did every day. If he wasn't so attached to your friendship, he might ask you out. Instead, he tried to maintain a friendly distance so he didn't cross any lines while also being as affectionate with you as he could be. You followed a similar path.

The person caught in the middle of this was poor Jean Gray. she had watched you pine over each other since you met and had heard every thought that went through both of your heads. She knew you would never complain or ask for help about anything so she liked to keep tabs on your thoughts every once in a while to make sure you were okay. Still, she tried her best to not listen very often or when you were thinking about anything very personal, she honestly did. But she was a romantic. All she wanted was for you two idiots to get together but you were both oblivious. She decided, probably 3 months into you becoming friends, that she had to do something about it.

She was sitting on your bed while you sat across your bedroom on your small couch. She fiddled with her thumbs while she tried to ignore your constant thoughts about Warren, his hands, his wings, his smile. She was exhausted. she took a small breath while she planned how she would try to say this to you.

"Do you want to know what I heard today?" She called and you looked up at her from the book you were pretending to read.

"Do you mean heard or 'heard'?" You laughed and she rolled her eyes.

"Either." Then she tilted her head. "Both."

"Yeah, I wanna know! What's it about?" You asked while leaning forward in your seat. Jean always had the best gossip to tell because she could literally hear it.

"Warren." She stated simply and watched your reaction. You flushed and stopped breathing for a moment.

"Wha-" you stuttered, "what about him?"

"That he has a thing for you." she winked and you flushed even more.

"You're lying." You assured, a questioning look on your face.

"I'm not and I'm tired of watching you two longing after one another while the rest of the school watches." She smiled and your heart picked up.

"I thought I told you not to look in my head!" You scolded but you weren't actually all that upset. You knew that it was very hard for her to control.

"I cant help it! Both of you think so loud. And I wouldn't have to anyway, Ororo mentioned it to me the other day and she definitely cants read minds." She giggled and you smiled a bit.

"Does he actually like me?" You almost whispered in disbelief.

"Yes! He's been obsessed with you since you started talking."

"But like he would want to actually go-"

"Y/N, I swear to god. If you don't go and talk to him right now I'm going to have a fit." She laughed and you glared at her.

"Okay okay fine, I'm going," you grumbled as you stood and walked toward your door. "If you are wrong I'm gonna be so upset with you."

She just laughed again and you started to walk down the hallway. You thought he might be in his room or outside. You decided to check his room first.

You knocked on his door but you were met with silence. You tried the handle and it moved.

"Warren?" you paused, "I'm coming in," you warned and pushed the door open. When you looked inside, he wasn't there. You took a moment to gaze around his room, it wasn't the first time you had been in there but every time was a bit exciting as you got to see all of the things he had that represented him. He had a boombox and a CD collection on his dresser. Some of his clothes were thrown around his room haphazardly and some of his drawers were open. You looked at the wall next to you where he kept photos that you took. You would carry around a camera or take pictures on your phone of everyone around campus. He always asked for them and then printed them out so he could hang them up. He had even managed to get a couple of you. You smiled a bit before heading back into the hallway, closing the door behind you.

You instead moved towards the door to get out onto the lawn where you thought he would probably be. He often sat under the big oak trees or on the roof if he wanted to get away from people. When you made it outside, you looked around for him.

"Y/N!" you heard him shout. You turned to look for him and saw his silhouette flying from the roof. You paused to admire him and his wings. He always looked so angelic to you. So powerful. You thought about how your power emanated darkness. That you would never appear angelic to someone and would more likely look like a demon. You looked down at your hands for a second, a habit you had when you were thinking about your powers. They sparkled a bit in the sun but it did little to quell the distaste in your mouth.

Suddenly there was a shadow in front of you that was not part of the darkness that surrounded you.

"Y/N?" he asked gently. "Are you okay?" he tried not to startle you. Being empathetic wasn't something that came naturally to him, but he tried extra hard around you. he noticed the way you were staring at your hands. The growth of your shadow as you thought about your powers more. He moved to touch one of your hands but you flinched back a bit. He brought his hand back and looked at you with concern. "Whats wrong, angel?" He asked lightly and you looked up at the pet name. He had started calling you that soon after you became friends. You thought it was out of irony but he really was convinced that you were some sort of angel. He also loved the way that your eyes would light up when he said it. You stared at him for a moment in silence.

"Do I scare you?" You asked quietly and your voice shook. He looked surprised by your question and you were surprised too. You didn't know why you were suddenly getting emotional. Why this was now all you could think about. Why it had to come up now when you were trying to express your feelings for him. Instead of responding he reached out to your hand, holding onto it when you let him, despite flinching away slightly. He started to walk, leading you toward the same tree you had met under. Once you both reached it he sat down and looked up at you, waiting for you to sit down too. You did, maybe a bit farther away from him than you needed to be.

"Do you think you scare me?" he asked genuinely and you took a second to think, looking back down at your hands which were now pulled back into your lap.

"I scare me," you stated simply and paused.

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't know." You mumbled. "I think I freak everyone out. Including you I guess." Your voice was quieter than you meant it to be. you really hadn't thought about it in a little while. It had been on your mind plenty when you first started talking to him. You were extra conscious of not pushing him to be around you or near your shadow. You knew that he would move away if he needed to but you also had so many memories of everyone around you fearing you, running from you, telling you that you were a curse. Instead of responding he held his hand out in between the two of you, palm up. You knew that he was inviting you to take it but that he wouldn't push you to. Instead of taking it, you placed your hand near his on the ground and he left his next to yours, not trying to take it if you didn't want him to.

"You don't." He let out, sounding sure of himself and slightly pained. "You don't scare me." You looked at each other. He had tears in his eyes. He was never one to get emotional so you were surprised. "Do I scare you?" he questioned, already knowing your answer but trying to prove a point.

"Of course not." You sighed.

"You have a lot more reason to be afraid of me than I have to be afraid of you." he looked at your hand again. "I'm the one who has a rough history, I'm the one who is angry and has a reputation of being aggressive."

"But, Warren, your mutation is-"

"Mutation has nothing to do with it, Y/N." he sighed. "You have control over your abilities, I have control over mine. The only difference between us is our personalities and I have never had any reason to fear you or dislike you. You're the kindest person I know and everyone in your life who has let you think that there was something wrong with you was terrible. And that was on them."

Your hand reached for his and you laced your fingers together. He squeezed your hand and ran his thumb over the back of it.

"I love you." The words came out of your mouth faster than you could think and you sucked in a breath, almost hoping he didn't hear you. When you glanced up at him he had a gentle smile on his face. He brought the back of your hand up to his face and kissed it before placing it against his cheek.

"I love you too, Y/N" He reached out for your waist and pulled you toward his lap, giving you plenty of time to give him a sign that you were uncomfortable. Instead, you put your leg over his waist so you were straddling his thighs. You held one of his hands in between you and fiddled with his fingers, admiring how your hands contrasted with his. Somehow, him holding your hand made it seem less out of place. You almost felt pride.

You were suddenly surrounded by warmth and shadow, the sounds of the quad around you becoming muted. You looked up around you and his wings were wrapped around the two of you, closing you off into your own little world. You felt the urge to reach out to them but you had never asked. You had never seen him let anyone touch them and you didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

"Go ahead." your eyes snapped to his in shock.

"Warren, you never let any-"

"I want you to," he admitted and it was true. He had thought many times about asking you to run your fingers through his wings. He would never complain about it but they were a little high maintenance and also sensitive. He never let anyone touch them because most people weren't gentle or he didn't trust them. He knew though that you were the gentlest person on Earth and that he could count on you to be careful.

At his reassurance, you smiled a bit. You reached a hand out to the part of his wing next to his shoulder. You both gasped a bit when your fingers made contact. Warren was a bit surprised at how sensitive they were to your touch and it had been a long time since anyone but himself had touched them. You were entranced by how soft they were. The feathers were delicate and there were so many. You were very careful in how you moved your hand along his wing, looking at him often to see if he was uncomfortable. As you were carding your fingers through his feathers, one came out. You gasped slightly horrified that you had hurt him.

"Hey, it's okay!" he rushed out as he saw your panic. "They just sort of... shed sometimes." He almost seemed embarrassed. Feathers would come off occasionally and he would often have to brush through them himself to release all of the loose feathers, sort of like brushing your hair. He reached to pick up the feather and held it in front of you for you to take. You gladly did and you twirled it in your fingers. "Maybe sometime, if you wouldn't mind, of course, you could help me brush through them?" he asked quietly and you smiled.

"Yeah of course. They seem like they might be a lot of work." you were touched that he trusted you to do that and you thought about how hard it must be to take care of them by himself when they were so big and most of his wings were behind him.

"You should see what it's like to shower with them," he grumbled and then his eyes widened at what he had said. He hadn't meant it to be an innuendo but now he was worried he offended you. Instead, he looked into your eyes and you fell into a fit of giggles.

"I might have to take you up on that offer." Your gentle gaze made him blush. He had never felt this comfortable with anyone. This safe. He decided right then that he would do anything you ever asked of him.

After that day, you and Warren became the cutest couple at the school. You were opposites in multiple ways and your relationship was more wholesome than any of your friends could handle. You got more confident in yourself and your abilities and he allowed himself to be more vulnerable. everyone agreed that you were a match made in heaven.

[cheesuscrustastic]

Basically a diary entry, but I’m feeling very emotional. Please feel free to skip this post.

Bad relationships happen

I get over it

But something I just can’t seem to forget

Is all the pain I went through with my ex

Let me correct myself: FOR my ex

I had a seemingly endless fight with depression for him, all for that 1% of happiness. I still don’t know if the happiness was genuine. It’s like a false feeling of satisfaction that I desperately needed. Depression made me fight all sorts of things in my life. My grades, my family, and especially him, which I think either was the root of it, or the giant container of gas that fueled it beyond comprehension too overwhelming for any living being to bear. It ruined my sanity. First at home, then at school, even my workplace. Of course it wasn’t healthy. But I was stupid enough to want more. I needed that 1%. Suicide was contemplated almost to the point of being a daily routine. I wanted to do it so badly that I practically begged my friend, bear, to get me help before I lost my mind and chopped my whole arm off with my x-acto blade during the passing period between classes at school.

72 hours in the psychiatric ward was the bare minimum amount of time for me to prove that I had my shit together and I was feeling well enough to be discharged in order to prevent another few thousand dollars being added with the already insanely high medical bills.

It hurts. Remembering what he did to me. A lot. My chest stings with every memory I recall.

But none of that will be happening any more. I have a new love. A true love. And I can tell that he won’t do the same to me that the last one did. I can tell he actually cares about me. That he actually loves me. Because he tells me. He shows me. Every hour that passes. And I will never get sick of it. I will cherish and treasure my future husband’s love with every bit of my heart until the day I die. I’ve lost track of how many times he’s had to lay with me in a bed and comfort me whenever these emotions begin acting up again. He’s so patient, even when I’m crying for hours about a boy he hates. He makes me feel better when I have these bad memories. When I sob so hard I can barely breathe and I soak the pillow with tears at 4:30 in the morning. He holds my hand as i calm down, falling into a snooze peacefully as I type this whole passage on my phone one handed with my non-dominant hand.

He means so much to me.

I am so grateful for him.

He helps the storm pass.

Sweet dreams, my perfect Nik Wind.

[actualbird]

fic where aaron is on vacation and luke needs to find mission injury first aid elsewhere

content warnings: violence, blood, injury, vomiting. luke pearce has a fun life, thats for sure!

wc: 1.2k

i want aaron to go on vacation with his wife (i think he needs a break, pls, surgeons do so much work and need to rest and also i think aaron needs some time to (lovingly) recharge from supporting the shitass mental health of stellis' most depressed detective) and it's a long one, i want him gone for a month doing stupidly romantic and relaxing activities with mrs. yishmir off in a wonderful beautiful location because aaron deserves time off and mrs. yishmir deserves her hot hot husband to shower her in attention

but also luke now doesnt have a doctor he go to when he gets injured

and like LUKE OFC TRIES TO JUST HANDLE EVERYTHING HIMSELF. oh he got stabbed tailing that one person? he'll do the stitches!! got his shoulder dislocated? easy peasy, he'll pop it back in the socket himself!! rib fracture? ehhhhh, so long as the bone didnt pierce his lungs, it's not too bad, honestly

aaron, from his vacation location: .....he's being stupid, i can feel it

mrs. yishmir: hes not your problem right now!!!

but yea luke tries to keep it under wraps but there are some injuries a person cant take care of on their own. luke is maybe just bleeding out in some alley and the pain of having a profusely bleeding wound is NOTHING to the emotional agony of him having to go thru his contacts and figure out whose day he needs to ruin

luke, in a phonecall: hey uh. are you busy? if you are, thats okay, i'll hang up. actually, im hanging up now! bye! im SO SORRY FOR CALLING I'LL---

artem, grumbling: where are you?

artem finds him and is FRIGGING AGHAST AND HORRIFIED and luke explains NO HOSPITALS bc the cases hes on this month are vaguely NSB-adjacent and need to stay off the record for a bit and artem is very very conflicted because Damn It Luke, He's An Attorney, Not A Doctor! but he helps luke out anyway because luke mentioned on that call to bring a roll of duct tape and so he did and luke makes grabby hands for the tape and just

tapes the wound shut

luke: there we go, all better!

artem: NO IT'S NOT

but it works to keep the bleeding at bay until they get to luke's place and luke can do some actual stitches. artem hovers from corner to corner, handing luke everything he needs worriedly and trying not to think about how luke's blood is on his hands (and the floor, and the bedsheets, and---)

once luke is done, he sighs and flops down onto the bed.

luke: thank you so much for helping, artem. im good now, so you can go.

artem: im not going

luke: WHAT.

artem is NOT GOING!!! luke was on death's doorstep an hour ago and artem legit wouldnt be able to fall asleep if he left luke alone right now (actually, hes probably not gonna be able to fall asleep very well for the next month, what with how hes seen not just his friend injured but how hes seen that friend patch himself up with such practiced motions that it's clear to artem that this happens a lot. and that luke always deals with it on his own).

cue luke trying to shoo artem away, his guilt increasing by the second, and artem just refuting all of his arguments and settling on luke's beanbag. luke cant even get artem to take the bed because artem is like "IT'S COVERED IN YOUR BLOOD" and luke is like "okay, fair point" so artem stays

the next morning, luke groggily wakes up to artem making an iron rich breakfast in the kitchen

and also i want this to happen to the other boys in the nxx too

luke gets non lethally poison darted one night and needs to get somewhere he can scream and vomit in safety and the closest place is not his own apartment but marius' art studio. luke has the audacity to kNOCK POLITELY ON THE DOOR and

marius: hey---jesus CHRIST you look like shit

luke: im fiiiine. one sec tho //turns to throw up on the grass

marius: OH MY GOD, GET IN HERE YOU IDIOT

marius stays with luke all throughout the effects of the poison and it's mostly just sitting by luke as he shivers and hurls stomach acid into the toilet. marius keeps things lighthearted by comparing it all to how marius took care of drunk friends back in undergrad and even though luke is dry heaving every other second, marius' words still make him laugh.

once it's over, marius does Not let luke leave. he just pulls out the sofa bed and plops luke onto it and says "if you even TRY to get up im telling miss lawyer and then youre life will be over" and so luke stays and rests

luke HOPED that he'd never have to bother vyn bc usually all his dumbass injuries happen in the dead of the night and vyn Is Asleep but fuck you luke pearce, everybody gets a turn to bandage your wounds fondly and call you an idiot (or something adjacent).

so vyn gets home in the afternoon from his classes and goes to check on his garden and finds an unmoving body in the rose bushes and when he gets closer, he sees it's luke. worryingly unconscious but vyn checks his pulse and sighs with relief. then vyn sees the little note in luke's hand and it says

"hi, vyn! im so sorry! mission stuff happened and i got hit with something thats putting me to sleep and your place was the closest so just let me chill here for a few hours and"

the note cuts off there, the writing turning into unintelligible noodles

vyn sighs, this time not in relief but in "is he serious?" vyn might not be the nicest person but hes not going to leave his friend out cold in the BUSHES (no matter how lovely those bushes are, thank you very much). so vyn has to lug luke's body ("how...are you so heavy...") into his living room and he sets luke onto the couch. luke doesnt seem to be injured anywhere, but the expression on his face is one of distress.

vyn switches on his record player and plays a vinyl. slow and calm music. something that'll hopefully let luke sleep easier.

as the notes play in the air, luke calms, and so vyn calms and just starts doing his work in the living room to watch over him

luke wakes up HOURS later and apologizes profusely and vyn is like "none of your apologies are accepted also stop talking so loud im going to bed. i made you dinner, by the way, it's on the dining table in a plastic container, do not let it go to waste."

luke takes the dinner home and he finds a note in the container. "stop apologizing for needing help." it's curt and to the point but luke wants to cry a little bit at it because he can tell when vyn is showing kindness

by the way, ALL the boys tell mc what happened and she gets worried ofc but also shes just glad luke went to people he trusted. she hopes that one day, he'll trust her too. he'll trust her enough to let her take care of him

but until then, there are people in luke's corner always willing to help

[failed-apple]

about me

im ari/apple and this is my vent/mental illness/ed tumblr

disclaimer: im currently not active since im recovered :)

im very much pro recovery, dni if you post pro ana content on here, dont have an ed or if youre younger than 14.

don’t report, just block me if you get triggerd/uncomfortable. this blog is not meant to promote eds/unhealhy behaviours. i just made it to have a place to vent, talk about my ed and feel less alone

if you wanna be friends just dm me just know that im really bad at keeping in contact through just texting so if you want just ask for my discord so we can talk in a vc. also if youre on 🥞 dm me please:]

im transmasc and ace. pronouns: he/it and neos, for example xey/xem, ze/zer, etc:]

TW: eating disorders, self harm, substance abuse, talk/jokes about suiside, derealization, other mental health releated topics (plus swearing and occasional nsfw stuff)

ive got autism, ✨cronic depression✨, anxiety disorder (gad), adhd?, an ed (undiagnosed tho), tourettes and chronic pain

and also im dyslexic so dont fucking correct my spelling i dont care how youre supposed to spell shit :]

dni if you dont have an ed, if youre a terf, transmedicalist, rasist, homophobic, transphobic, abelist, map/pedo, support/post thinspo, fatspo, meanspo or any kind or "ana motivation", (this is not the place, there are forums for that), or if youre in any way mean or creepy on here

Dont reblog my posts with ed tags

remember that its never too late or too early to recover, if youre considering to start recovery please do it and aks for help, i belive in you(:

and please send me asks(:

my carrd just incase i get t-worded:https://failed-apple.carrd.co/

my backup: @failed-rat

my tags:

#apple rants: my posts

#apple asks: answered asks

#apples gender stuff: trans posts

#apples so called art: what it says

#i hate it here: basically a /neg for my life shit (slight tw for abuse and transphobia and stuff)

#apples autism is showing: autism stuff

i try to not post too triggering stuff and i put tws for unreality, sui, sh (and other shit that might be triggering, eg substance abuse) but not for ed thoughts cause this is and ed account so dont follow if that triggers you. i dont post numbers, bodychecks or any -spo.

[active on and off]