#i feel like im about to pass away
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honestly guys im ngmi...
#i feel like im about to pass away#im kinda worried i have covid? i tested neg but ive been masking jic
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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Seeing Viktor’s heaving vulnerable face as he looks up to Jayce through his lashes on his final death throes with radiohead playing the the bg show up on my feed every 4 videos is kind of like getting viciously punched in the nuts while winding down from previously getting viscously punched in the nuts
#arcane season 2 act 2 spoilers#arcane viktor#arcane jayce#jayvik#he looks so helpless and fucking confused im#the way he just STARES at Jayce like he’s trying and failing to understand why his friend would hurt him#unable to feel hateful or betrayed#it’s the way that this hextech influenced viktor cannot. in that moment. physically understand the source of cruelty#(it’s love)#Jayce loves his family and friends he loves piltover he loves the people—so. he has to do what he must#I think Viktor helpless confusion is something immediately and instinctively gut wrenching because#beyond the act of cruelty itself it is in the moment the utter failure to understand *why* something has happened to you#whether it’s abuse; someone close to passing away; a natural disaster; it is that lack of understanding that guts you every time#I do think that not all heinous acts are motivated by love I think that’s a very empathetic way to look about things especially when#a situation is complicated which it usually is but#arcane is exceptionally relationship oriented but id argue that there is also a large number of people who are very self oriented
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i got stuff from the csp asset store and i wanted to play with it so this is a mess but i did have fun and i kinda dig the vibes
#andreil#aftg#the foxhole court#all for the game#i just thought the lil computer window borders were so cute#also okay listen my vision:#lmao i just wrote college au and completely forgot the canon story is in college pls#but like alt where neil does the photos bc he gets a camera#art majors????#idk what's going on my vision is gone i am blind now#it was like a we pass each other on campus and a double take with warning signs is happening#i just thought the warning signs looked kinda cool#i also wanted the wavey thing to be a heartbeat w a skippy in it but i didnt know how to make it look nice it wasn't cooperating#and honestly i was getting tired of trying to figure out what should go in the space#i am not an aesthetic person idk how people do the fancy lil edits all the time#i draw i dont do graphic design i dont have the frog within necessary#myart#anyway im running away now bc idk how i feel about this bye
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molten/molted/molded
also yes i do actually have a flamingo mug thats sorta chipped, and it is a little ugly, here it is :
its not super chipped, but i was still devastated when i found out
#HI. WILL YOU GUYS LET ME POST PRETENTIOUS POETRY#idk i was just thinking about how im doing a lot better than before and. being sympathetic to the zoned-out escapism i did to survive then#im not that person anymore and feels weird to be in her body? but im glad shes passed away#i dont knowwwww. it feels like im a lizard shedding my skin every year and occasionally ill look at my old molts and be like wow#i used to fit in that thing. i used BE that thing. but now im not#dont take this too seriously i mean its not a vent its just me thinkin about how im doing great and little louie was not HAHAHA#im really proud of this actually i like how the glass effect came out and i like the colors and the poem.... i cooked !!!#this is also practice for lineless/painted art and its not too bad for a beginner#anyways. i like poetry and more ppl should make it casually this is poetry propaganda#uhhh what do i tag this as#poetry#art#artists on tumblr#????? i never know how to tag non-fandom art#anyways thats it :]
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Starting to lose my Whit Young kinnie status in that way that i gaf
#im crying my eyes out for the first time in years and i dont get why my body is reacting this way#i dont know why i care about people suddenly#i dont know why anyone would ever want to be selfish with me while im weak#i dont know why i feel so horrible about some things#i dont like this#get this away#my body is weird#im not equipped to deal with something i have never experienced#im supposed to laugh at people who fuck up and go to hospital#im supposed to stare blankly at passed out people#im supposed to just be able to#not WORRY for someone or feel JEALOUS about someone else or care about more than one person#or CRY CRY CRY aboht losing a friend#sghhhh#idkont know how to navigate this#i didnt feel emotions for years man#im a wreck#i need to give this to whit young actually for a second itd be funny if my (ex?) kinnie suffered the same fate#whit young#drdt#danganronpa despair time
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wait like... do some ppl actually check all the blogs of people that interact with them? to vet out all the ones they dont want around? bc if so that sounds. exhausting?? how do people have time for that??
#i feel like ive seen the occasional mention that seems like some people do this and im like. HUH??? O.o#unless im misreading ???#like... if someone does then like. why do you care that much???#it seems like a huge waste of time??#and like. if ur that uncomfortable with just the idea that someone of [whatever it is youre vetting for] happens to just. like your post#i feel like... social media may not be for you#surely this must just be ppl that have like... less than a hundred followers or smthn#bc idk how someone would manage doinf this with amount of daily notifs i get#and im not even a huge huge blog#i just look at comments/tags/follows/asks when i go thru my notes#and if i find a comment/tag/ask that indicates theyre awful or saying something that makes me uncomfortable ill block#and on occasion i may check a follower just to give a quick once over to ensure theyre not a bot or something#but otherwise like.... why do ppl care so much about smaller interactions like a like/reblog#its like a person passing by you on the street#you shouldnt care if theyre something you disapprove of that badly just let them pass on#just let them say ''hey nice shirt'' and walk away
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#thinking of dinosaurs and troodontids were my favorite dinosaurs as a child#when younger i had a real full troodontid tooth fossil that meant a lot to me#for a time we lived within a few kilometers of hadrosaur sites and troodontid sites#while wider general area had many sites of recovery for the big celebrities like tyrannosaur and multiple dromaeosaurs#at that time troodontids were kinda infamous for i think the depiction in some childrens field guides and dino books#which depicted like a fantasy speculative humanoid troodontid based on 1980s model at Canadian Museum of Nature in ottawa#anyway would visit a small local paleo center a lot and woman in her 70s or 80s ran the counter of their center and rock shop#one day she asked me what my fave dino was and i said troodon so she pulled out the tooth and just gifted it to me#in little black case size of ring box with padding and transparent plastic viewing cover kinda like laminate for displaying a trading card#tooth got stolen from out my vehicle while giving some people a ride while at university before i got too poor for tuition#later during first year of pandemic owner of my storage unit died and new property owners threw away everything i ever owned#i was homeless anyway lost job due to early pandemic closures and had to allocate any money to insulin and other prescrip meds#but wouldve found a way to save my things if the new owners had contacted me#they threw out photoalbums y backpacking gear y books y musical instruments y clothes y artwork y camera y all family keepsakes#and all childhood treasures like souvenirs and gifts and school awards and writing portfolios and all the little memories#which i was always sentimental about as child#from earliest age my room looked like a natural history museum with plants and maps and library of field guides#and rocks and field trip keepsakes and all kinds of little animal figurines and mother had painted room in forest greens and browns#to feel like a forest and among the succulent plants and a globe sat the troodon tooth#parents passed when i was a child#never near any family and were always moving never got to settle into proper stable place then father passed after long sad illness#and mother put in so much effort but she passed few years later and i could not take care of myself or my remaining material possessions#and so im still quite hurt having nothing whatsoever remaining of my childhood or school friends or mother or life generally#and when trying to process grief my thoughts often come back to the troodontid tooth as a focal point a distillation of what was lost#even when young i knew it was advised not to become too connected to material physical possessions#but still there are some small little trinkets in our lives that seem to hold so much meaning and i tortured myself for losing that tooth#thinking about troodon reminds me of childhood
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i’m not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest don’t get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives
#sorry not to get on this bullshit i just saw a related post when i opened this app lmao#and by some people i don’t mean anyone in particular im not vagueing anyone or any specific post#and i especially don’t mean any transfem calling out transmisogynistic transmascs either#but yeah i see a lot of implication that trans men are like. somehow significantly privileged over cis women#and ofc i don’t mean that transmascs are incapable of being misogynistic to cis women bc that’s far from the case#but i need someone to name a transmasc with significant political or social or financial power that’s working to set back women’s rights#versus the amount of cis women with any of the aforementioned privileges working to take away the rights of trans people#bc i can think of 4 of the latter just off the top of my head without trying really hard#and the only day to day instance i can think of where trans men would hold significant power over a cis woman is like..#a workplace environment where he completely passes as cis and absolutely no one knows he’s trans at all or even suspects it#but then again most if not all of that privilege would be stripped away the second anyone there found out he was trans#but yeah i really do think some people need to grapple with how they conceptualize gendered privilege and their own power in these dynamics#and how that’s reflected in the way they think about/interact with transmascs#are you disgusted with this random transmasc on tumblr because he’s a man (or vaguely adjacent) or because he’s trans. ykwim#and again i hate the whole transandrophobia thing i think it’s stupid as shit and redundant to put it lightly and briefly but#idk why transmascs that believe in it have become the new face of anti-feminism and MRA movements#and not like. the cis men who started both of those things and contribute to the vast majority of that type of rhetoric in every way#and also hold enough power to leverage those beliefs over both women and also transmascs tbh#i think some people are just repulsed by the idea of anyone willingly wanting to be a man bc they see it as the same as becoming a cis man#in terms of privilege. when in reality by being trans you’re knocked down in terms of power and privilege from all cis people anyways#but also. some people also need to realize that transmascs can also have trauma and complicated feelings about being a man and patriarchy#and more often than not we ARE traumatized by the way cis men (and women!!) have treated us#and grapple with our place in the world as a result. it’s not just as simple as becoming a cis man over night tbh!!#and again i’m not talking about transfems with any of this because the vast Vast majority of transfems understand this more than anyone#i’m mostly talking about cis women both irl and also just in the terminally online leftist sphere#and i also think i should be allowed to vent my grievances with the power cis women often do wield over me without being accused of being a#raging misogynist or MRA or whatever
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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ARSENTROPOLIS FANART WOO
(the cat (alcatraz) and the protagonist belongs to my fellow comrade @fizzzyz (the drawing on the top left) GO SUPPORT HER WORK PLS ITS SO GOOD!!!! also that was a christmas gift, you're welcome)
(meanwhile the emo creature named N and the black and white sneasel called La Creatura belongs to my buttlercheeks you're welcome)
I dont usually share oc art but since i got too much into ArsenTropolis, i decided to draw my character in it's style! (even though i fainted 20 times from looking at it /j)
(dont mind the long names... its just emo)
(i just realised that i draw in so many different styles what-)
#Arsentropolis#slendytubbies#pokemon#art#ignore everything that i have written it is not supposed to be there#i love men with long hair that can end me#KITTYYYYYYYYYYYYY SLAY ALCATRAZ#smash the protagonist /j#ngl i feel like they all would have a good bond#I DONT SHARE OC ART MUCH BUT MY FRIEND WAS ABOUT TO START WORSHIPPING SO I ACTED QUICK AHAHAHAHAHA#fanart#pokemon sneasel#sneasel#slendytubbies 3#slendytubbies oc#slendytubbies 2#slendytubbies fanart#IM BACK IN THAT SLENDYTUBBIES ERA AND I CANT LEAVE WAAHAAAA#ey smth that isnt rlly pokemon related but here catch💥💥💥💥#this man has such smashable prosthetic legs that i would pass away#emo men are my favourite gender#i wish emo men were real💔💔💔
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Literally woke up from my alarm. Snooze. Falls asleep for ten minutes and dreams about getting ready for work. Wakes up and I'm not ready for work . Evil
#the sky speaks#ive laid here and watched time go by. at this point even if i was ready and left right now id be late#might fake illness#i mean i do feel vaguely nauseous but thats not abnormal esp in thr morning#either i text someone and say im gonna be late . or i email boss and take off today ..#my dad's gonna give me shit for it tho aughhhh#hes always like You wont hqve such a laid back job forwvwr where you can just take off on a whim !! and hes RIGHT but . bbbut. sleeoy :(#like im trying to get this fulltime job at a university and ahit like this wont slide for sure#but also. the little devil on my shoulder adds. why not take advantage of current jobs chill way about it for now hmmmmmm????#even more time has passed now damn#yrah im not going in today#but i need to like do chores today tho. must vacuum and put away laundry i folded yesterday. to make up for not going to work in my mind lol
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why the fuck did i write about birds this fucking sucks. i just found out birds only sleep for a few minutes at a time, hundreds of times a day. do you know what this is going to do to my structure? the logistics of their road trip? this is already like three days late and i've been fighting for my life to get A Plot Like Any Plot That Makes Sense out and now the birds fucking sleep for 5 minutes at a time.
#i should've just bailed and written another story when i had the chance#i'm not joking i've never fought a fiction piece this hard before. usually because i'm not writing for specific deadlines#and not a piece so big. and not one that's gonna be workshopped. i wanna blow them away but if things keep going the way they are everyone'#gonna tell me the pacing sucks and it feels pointless and the characters feel really confused. I KNOW. I KNOW THAT. FUCKK#i'm the type to do about 15 passes before i let someone see my 'first draft' and i'm just not gonna be able to do that if i want to get it#in time for a workshop. every day i delay is making things harder for my classmates y'know?? but i've been writing like 1k words a day#and it's still not done. GUHH#I DON'T LIKE WRITING THESE CHARACTERS THAT MUCH THEY'RE NOT FUNNY OR ENDEARING AND THAT'S MY LIKE.#MAIN SKILL AND VIBE WITH SHORT STORY DUOS. BUT NOOOO I HAD TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT CUZ I WAS SICK OF DOING#THE SAME DYNAMIC OVER AND OVER. BITCH THIS IS YOUR FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRIED AND TRUE GETS THE BLUE (RIBBON)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head#going to work on it some more. fuckk#the voices aren't consistent and i'm trying to make it clear that this is toxic bird yuri and not a mother/daughter thing but the maternal#themes are kind of fucking with that but they're important and i don't wanna get rid of them but it feels forced cuz im forcing it#sigh. i'm gonna have to cut the yuri. these two don't work romantically at all. what a waste of time.#i watched the entirety of mnthly girls' nozaki-kun in the past two days while avoiding writing. did you know that? the lengths to which i'l#go? anyway it was fun i appreciate fellow creative agony and i uh never knew how they did screen tones and wasn't expecting that somehow#so i learned something new (hooray). anyway back to. fucking. bird story stuff#i'm so mad i hate these two (<- lying. just pissy) i hate this story (<- mostly exaggerating. throwing a tantrum)#eughhhhhh i just wanna lie on the floor and cryyyyyyyyyy (<- completely deadpan irl. not That upset just kind of sick of shit)#i'm so burnt out and it's only gonna get worse. ughh#why can't someone just come in and write it for meeeeeeeeeeheheuhhh (<- would hate that)
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hmmmm i know going up to banff on the friday of the long weekend is probably a bad idea, but also what if i went to banff on my birthday?
#i want to do a hike i think#thought about a cave tour but i don't think im feeling that adventurous yet#but a hike would be good...and there are lots right near banff#and then i could chill in banff for a while before heading home#also my aunt and i were supposed to go up to banff earlier this year but had to cancel bc she had to work + there was a nasty snowstorm#sooooooo like. not excited to deal with the traffic but it could be a cool little solo trip#and then i have family/friend plans the next 2 days#or maybe ill just go to kananaskis so i don't have to deal with driving in town..HIGH SPEED RAIL WHEN#anyway. gotta stop kowtowing to my anxiety bc if i don't get out and do stuff i apparently have meltdowns and literally run away from work#i still don't wanna go too far out into the wilderness on a solo hike though cause im not like the Greatest outdoorsman yet#sooooo banff? canmore? i could get real freaky and go across the border or down through crowsnest pass...#it really is only like 3 hours to radium...#ANYWAY THESE TAGS GOT OUT OF HAND#THE POINT IS I NEED TO PICK A TOWN + HIKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY#AND I NEED TO BUY A BEAR BELL
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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