#i feel as though i am waiting for something new and strange which will burn the unburnt side of my soul

[aalyre]

me but the glass is filled with knowledge

[misseviehyde]

SIX

SIX MINUTES

It's been six minutes since I drank the Elixir. Six minutes since the delicious pink liquid flowed down my throat and I felt my body begin to change into a better one.

How can I describe the transformation?

Well - it feels strange to feel your bones shift and pop inside your body as your skin tightens and your genitalia shrink to nothing. Even the lengthened hair on my head and the longer feminine nails I now have on my tiny hands feel strange. My cute hairless body is smoother, softer and far more appealing than it used to be. I'm a girl now.

No... not just a girl... a pretty girl. True I'm still wearing my blue hoodie and I don't have any make up on, but even in these clothes, I look beautiful. I can feel the jealous stares of my mates.

True I gave them a bit of a show a moment ago as I lost control of myself whilst I changed. My friends had to watch in shocked fascination as I touched my body and moaned in pleasure. They could never understand how fucking good it felt to have tits growing on my chest and a pussy opening between my legs.

I wasn't embarassed about moaning like a slut - in fact I'm still not embarassed now. I've never felt more confident - the Elixir has made me feel so good. I can't believe I'm no longer a boy - but it's like I don't even care.

The others were all too chicken shit to try it. We found the instructions in an old book at my friend Daniel's house. His girlfriend was out - and me and the other lads were round for a curry, so we cooked up the Elixir and I agreed to try it.

With amazing success.

Acording to the book the transformation lasts just over six hours. I better not waste anytime then...

SIX HOURS

It's amazing how much more feminine wearing the right clothes and doing my hair and makeup, make me look and feel now I'm a girl.

Due to my lack of experience - I just decided to tie my hair up, put on a tiny bit of mascara and lipstick and wear something feminine - but kinda simple. When I learn more about being a girl, I can start to really have fun - but right now it's baby steps.

Daniel's girlfriend was luckily about the same size as I was... petite and a 34D bra size and I was able to help myself to things from her room to complete my new look. I'll have to get my own things eventually, but for now I'll steal what I can from her.

Daniel is still here, but the other guys went home, I think probably to jerk off thinking about turning into a hot girl themselves. They promised not to tell anyone about our little experiment. I don't trust them of course, which is why I burned the pages of the book when no one was watching. Now the only record of how to make the Elixir exists in a password protected encrypted file I just uploaded to the cloud.

I can imagine them all cock in hand stroking it off as they imagine coming back tomorrow to make more Elixir and getting to become a hot girl. I can't wait to see their faces when they realise this power is now mine alone.

Mmmmh, all those boys jerking off. I don't blame them. Boy am I fucking horny too. Horny in a way that I've never been before. My new body has needs and Daniel is looking kinda hot to me right now.

I like the way his eyes follow me... it makes me feel powerful. I have so much control over him now I'm pretty. He's desperate to please me - even though he has a girlfriend.

I walk over to Daniel and kiss him. He is surprised at first, perhaps confused... but as he leans into my body and tastes my sweet pink lips, his inhibitions fade.

"It's not really cheating Dan," I whisper. "It's not like I'm a real girl. She'll never know. I don't have long and I just need to know what it feels like..."

His hungry hands are soon all over my body, and I have his stiffening cock in my tiny hands.

I've never held another guys cock in my hands before. Daniel's is bigger than mine... well bigger than mine when I actually have one.

It's hard and enticing, so I lick the tip and taste his precum. Then - like it's the most natural thing in the world I pop it into my mouth and begin to suck.

I never thought I'd be sucking a cock, but now I'm female it doesn't bother me like it would. I'm a little clumsy at first (guess I'll need more practice) but after a few minutes of sucking and slurping I hear Daniel cry out and he cums in my mouth.

His load is salty, not unpleasant, so I swallow it all.

I think we are finished but then he then asks me if I want him to eat me out. Turns out I do.

Soon I am lying back on his bed with his eager tongue lapping at my pink pussy. I play with my tits as he tongue fucks me and soon I am having my first female orgasm.

"Ohhhhhh fuckkkkk," I gasp in my sexy girls voice as stars swim in front of my eyes and I shake and convulse helplessly. "That's mmmmh soooo fucking good."

My horniness is abated for now - Daniel looks a little disappointed when I put my clothes back on - perhaps he was hoping I'd fuck him. He is also clearly stricken with guilt.

"Don't worry - I won't say anything to her," I giggle.

That's enough for one day. I can feel the Elixir starting to wear off. My hair is shortening and my body becoming masculine again.

It's been the best six hours of my life and I know I now need more.

SIX DAYS

It's been six days since I first took the Elixir and my journey into femininity continues to be the greatest experience of my life.

After turning back into my male self earlier this week - I was left with a feeling of emptiness, shame and fear. Male me was shocked and upset by what I'd done as a girl and worried about what I might do again.

He and Daniel could barely talk to each other. Stupid boys - what's a little dick sucking between friends? It's not like his girlfriend would ever know.

Despite his reluctance - the urge to try the Elixir again was too strong so it was only a matter of time before I drank it again and transformed into this superior version of me.

I say superior because I AM superior. As a man, I'm almost a nobody - but female me gets all the love and attention a hot pretty girl deserves. I'm smarter, more confident and less naive as a girl. I understand the way the world really works.

I had unlocked something in myself that needed time to play out. I and now I was going to have to live two lives. That would not be easy. So I invented a story.

Only my friends and Daniel knew the real story - but to everyone else I would tell a lie that my male half had been struck by a terrible illness that kept me confined to the house. My female alter-ego would masquerade as my 'sister' come home to help look after me. Luckily I live alone.

It was not a perfect cover story and there were plenty of gaps but it would hopefully allow me to keep taking the Elixir.

My male half works from home anyway, so I was able to keep earning - but for the present time I would only go out as my female half.

I took some vacation time - and this allowed me to get used to being female.

I spent six hours a day as a girl, using the Elixir to transform. Each time the change was quicker and I felt instantly more ME. It was like switching between two channels on a TV.

I decorated a room to be MY bedroom and began to immerse myself in girl culture. I had a lot of catching up to do - what I really needed was some female friends to learn from.

Daniel was shocked when I demanded he introduce me to his girlfriend. He wanted to refuse and I actually had to blackmail him into agreeing. I also gave him another blowjob... this time he came even harder.

With carrot and stick deployed, Daniel gave in and told Lucy I was his mates sister new in town and I didn't know anyone. She was only too happy to help the new girl.

Lucy and I hit it off straight away. She introduced me to her friends and soon through networking, I was one of the girls.

Six days in and I was already bossing it as a girl. I now had a room, a growing collection of clothing and makeup, a convicing cover story and best of all a group of girlfriends.

I am good at getting what I wanted from others. It makes me all tingly to think about how easily I am playing everyone.

Manipulating people is kind of fun.

SIX WEEKS

My tight black designer dress drew the stares and attention of all the men in the hotel as I walked to the counter to check out. I fucking loved the attention - I could tell they all wanted me.

Upstairs in the room Daniel was still lying on the bed, spent by our hours of lovemaking. He had fucked me like a slut and we had finished with me grinding on top of him and in control - just as I liked it.

Looking down into his eyes I had made him tell me he loved me as I slid his cock up and down into my tight pussy.

He was all mine now.

But he meant nothing to me at the same time. In fact whilst Daniel had moaned and grunted beneath my thrusting hips... his cock deep inside my pussy - I'd even had time to Whatsapp Lucy and arrange to meet her later.

It was strange to think that only six weeks ago Daniel and I had an entirely platonic relationship. Now he was having an affair with me whilst his girlfriend believed me to be her new bestie.

I knew that sooner or later the truth would probably come out - but I didn't care. Lucy was starting to bore me anyway. I'd learned all I could from her and her insipid friends.

As for Daniel. He was hopelessly addicted to me - but I had no intention of fucking him for much longer anyway. He was just a training exercise - helping me to learn how to fuck a man right. Now I knew how to use my pussy as a weapon - there were richer and hotter guys in my sights.

I wanted bigger dick. Maybe a black guy? A rich black guy who could make me his trophy slut.

It had begun to occur to me that I was not a very nice person. In fact I was actually a fucking bitch. My male half sure seemed to think so anyway. He kept leaving me tormented messages begging me to stop ruining Daniel's life, manipulating people and acquiring material possessions.

I actually got turned on listening how nasty I was and I rubbed my clit till I came.

Being evil felt so fucking hot.

In return to my alter ego, I left him messages calling him a loser and telling him if he hated me so much to stop taking the Elixir. I knew he wouldn't. He was addicted to being me. It was just too bad I didn't have a way to get rid of him. Unlike him - I'd take it.

Yes - if only there was a way I could be rid of the fucking loser and take complete control of this life. I had noticed that after six weeks of use, my transformations would now sometimes last eight to ten hours. Maybe with further use I would gain more and more time?

I just need to keep on taking the Elixir and enjoying every minute of being a hot blonde spoiled mean bitch. In fact I need to get worse.

Eventually there would only be me... my victory was inevitable.

No one is going to get in my way.

SIX MONTHS

It was a shame what happened to Daniel. I wonder if he'll ever wake up?

Hit and runs happen all the time, but they never did find the driver who left him in a coma and it seemed almost targeted.

It was about the same time my new hotter boyfriend bought me a brand new car. He was a rapper with plenty of cash to spare and he even arranged for my old car to be scrapped for me.

Of course his mental state had become rather unhinged. He had taken our breakup badly... he seemed to blame me for Lucy leaving him and he kept threatening to tell everyone about the Elixir and 'expose me.'

Then sadly he had his accident.

My new boyfriend never did ask about the dents in the bonnet of my old car or why I asked his guys to threaten and shake down all of Daniel's old friends.

Of course my new man knew nothing about my 'condition'. If he ever asked why I seemed to shave my legs more than other girls and took a vial of pink liquid daily - he never asked.

I'm sure he had some suspicions, but I was his bitch and he sure didn't care when his big black dick was stretching my tight pussy out. As he came inside me again and again he whispered the words 'I love you' again and again to me and I knew I owned his soul now.

In fact the bastard had nearly got control the night I followed Daniel and...

After six months of constant use I now had total control of my body and mind. I could stil feel male me in there somewhere, but he was subdued.

Still all it would take is one day when I forgot to drink Elixir and he might fight back.

Well best not to think about that in case it brought him to the surface.

I was still confident that eventually he would cease to be a problem entirely... it just needed a little time.

SIX YEARS

My husband tells me I don't look a day older than when he first met me six years ago, but then again with the amount of work I can have done - staying young looking won't be an issue.

Not that I need it yet. Even though I've given birth twice (although neither Chantelle or Dior were difficult births) I DO look great.

Here I am again at Paris fashion week - my own line of clothes being modelled on the runway.

Much has changed in six years. For a start I haven't taken the Elixir for over a year now. That chapter of my life ended long ago.

Daniel never woke up. They switched him off eventually and I sent a condolence card to his family. Lucy and I made up though - I convinced her it was him who seduced me. We still keep in touch from time to time.

I'm now a celebrity. I got my break through the leaked sex-tapes I 'accidentally' leaked online of me fucking my famous husband.

Now I'm a social media darling and a fashionista. I'm a ruthless heartless bitch, so the media world suits me. No one dares get on my bad side and I ALWAYS get what I want.

I'm rich, bitchy and pretty and I feel pretty fucking good about it.

Anyway my new line of clothing is bound to be a great success. I named it after my favourite number. It's become something of a lucky charm for me.

Can you guess what number?

Yeah - you guessed it. Of course... it's six.

THE END

[bravetimetravellingaussie]

And it feels like home

Chapter 2

Summary: Peter Parker makes a friend

Warnings: foul language, mention of injury? Not graphic or anything though

Again, possible spoilers for Spider-man: No Way Home

Days blur together when each day is the same, when there is no one you can share those days with, but unlike his coworker, who'd been stuck in a loop of shock, Peter's brain was finally knocked out of the loop.

For the past couple of months all that had really brought Peter joy was getting into bed and enjoying his few hours of peace, any inner turmoil didn't have a chance to keep him up at night when he was a second away from nodding off at all time. He'd been walking around a zombie for a while now, avoiding everything by filling his time and pushing himself to the limit and beyond, but now he felt something different, something good, even if it was just the itch of curiosity in the back of his head.

It was something.

This strange man with the weird costume and the many, many wounds, which he seemed completely unperturbed by, was a walking question mark, a puzzle to solve. Peter had forgotten how much he loved a good puzzle, how good it felt to scratch that itch of curiosity by getting answers.

When Peter put on his suit that night, he didn't even think about the possibility of throwing some punches, all he could think about was how he was going to find the man in red.

The temporary lack of bone deep emotional anguish and the replacement of exhaustion with excitement should have been enough warning for Peter that something was going to go wrong.

Peter had barely just swung out of his apartment when he ran out of web. A street light broke his fall. It also broke one of his ribs.

All of a sudden he was lying on his back staring at a starless sky and wishing he could stay like that forever. He couldn't hold his breathe forever though, and even though he tried to move as slowly as possible he felt a stab of pain in his chest.

Shit.

Peter gritted his teeth and felt his eyes welling with tears. Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic. Every part of him was tense with burning hot rage. I am motherfucking spider-man, I have a job to do and-

The anger faded and all that was left was pain and tears. I am Peter Parker and I want answers. Peter sobbed quietly as he felt the pain, the pain he'd been feeling a long time now. There are so many answers I will never get but goddammit I am going to get this answer if it fucking kills me.

Peter took a deep breath, a mistake really. He waited a minute for the pain to die down before slowly getting up on his feet. He leaned against the lamppost and held out an arm to hail a taxi.

Once inside Peter slumped in his seat.

"Where to-" The driver glanced back at his new passenger.

"Take me to [insert street name here] or I'll-"

"No need for that! I'm a big fan of your work, spider-man," the taxi driver said with a smile, offering Peter a handshake, an offer Peter accepted. "My name is Dopinder."

"Nice to meet you, Dopinder." Peter felt a surge of something other than pain in his chest. It felt good.

"I'm happy to offer my services as an amateur mercenary to you any time, Mr spider-man, but I have to ask, why are we going to a high school?" Dopinder asked as he drove away from the curb.

"I uh," Peter hesitated for a second before giving up with the scepticism, he was too tired and lonely to refuse a chance to talk to someone. God knows it had been too long since the last time he'd had an honest conversation with someone. "I borrow their lab supplies sometimes. To make my web fluid."

"Ohh, so you don't make it naturally?"

"I mean I don't, I used to know a guy who did though."

"Right."

Dopinder tapped the steering wheel in time with the music playing on the radio.

"So what inspired the spider theme?"

"I got bit by a spider?"

"Oh." Dopinder was quiet for a bit, as if in thought. "My cousin got bitten by a spider once. It was one of the happiest days of my life."

"O-oh, okay."

The rest of the drive was quiet and Peter felt only mildly awkward.

"We are here, that'll be-"

"Yeah, I have no money."

Dopinder nodded.

"Somebody needs to start giving superheroes decent pockets in their super suits," he said with the tired tone of someone who encountered this problem frequently.

"No, I just- I wish I could pay you but I literally don't have any money." A little sheepishly, Peter added, "I was going to threaten you to take me here, and then run off."

Dopinder shifted in his seat to look at Peter. "I've always wanted to know what it feels like to fly."

"I'm a bit injured right now, but next time I see you I'll give you a ride spider-man style, does that sound good?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it was nice meeting you, Dopinder." Peter carefully got out of the car, wincing slightly at the movement.

"Anything else I can help you with? I've always wanted to break into a building under the cover of darkness."

"I'll be alright, thanks." Peter chuckled slightly. "Unless of course you know a guy who wears red leather and seems to be immune to pain."

"Oh. You mean Mr Pool?"

[phoeebsbuffay]

Imagine you were Anakin’s first love and he was yours. You loved him deeply and had so much to tell him, but life always got in the way. Eventually years separated you, though, until the moment fate plays a trick on you in an unexpected reunion and he is not the man you once knew.

Warnings: light smut, unburnt Vader, angst, DRAMA. No twins in this universe…yet.

Warnings 2: fluffy ending bc that’s how I roll.

Warnings 3: sorry for the lack of new stories, been suffering with writer’s block.

Recommendations: “Could It Be Any Harder?” , “For You” and “Your Hope” by “The Calling”.

***

Intro: Padawan days.

You were going through a difficult moment in your life. Being the Padawan of Master Y/C often required you abilities that you struggled to master. In your worse days, you envied your long time friend Anakin Skywalker for how easy he made things.

And that day was one of those. You were snorted at, scoffed by Master Y/C for letting emotions placate you again. When Anakin went after you, having just recently returned from his last trainings before his trials, he found you about to burst in tears in the secret spot you two shared whenever something upset you.

“Hey, Y/Nickname”, he was startled at seeing you like this. Often cheerful and confidant, rarely did you not mask your insecurities to him. “What’s wrong with you?”

Your eyes went wide when you were discovered. Usually the type of “suffering alone”, you’d quick try to conceal your sentiments. But Anakin knew you well enough to guess your next moves, so he stepped forward and took your hands into his, clasping them together.

“Don’t. Don’t run away from me. You think I don’t see how you keep your issues to yourself? Don’t drown them, it only harms you.” And then he softened as he pushed you into him. “Please talk to me.”

And that was how you clanged unto him as you burst into tears. Anakin embraced you, arms protectively wrapped around your small frame. As you rested your head against his chest, he felt your pain, your angst, your frustrations. Sentiment that, whether he cared to admit or not, mirrored his own, specially after he found out what happened to his mother—and you were there to console him, fighting his fears and wiping away his tears.

“Is Master Y/C being hard on you again? I swear I will punch his face next time I see him.”

At which you chuckled lightly.

“Don’t do that”, you told him, though your voice was muffled by the cloth of his Jedi robes against which your face remained buried. “You know violence is not the Jedi way.”

Anakin gently lifted your face so you’d meet his loving gaze searching for yours.

“Not even to defend you, little one?”

You smiled and he too, specially when seeing the heat that painted your cheeks pink.

“Ani…”

There was so much to be said and he could read well into you. His hands reluctantly let go of yours only to cup your face. You started leaning right into him when…

“Anakin!”

You both heard Obi-Wan Kenobi calling for him. You sighed heavily and so did Anakin.

“You should go”, you told him, despite a bad feeling rising suddenly into your heart.

Anakin continued to touch your face, fingers running to your hair before resting on your shoulders, so he pulled you for another embrace.

“He can wait.”

“Anakin, if he finds out where you’d been, he will be displeased.” You realized what you said and your face reddened again. “I mean. Though we are friends, Master Kenobi might not look well into this…”

“Friendship, eh?” When he parted from you, you were baffled to see a hurt behind his eyes. “Am I just a friend for you, Y/N?”

You sighed frantically, detesting how bad you were with words. Both of you heard Obi-Wan’s mutterings, not too far from where you’d been.

“You know I love you”, you felt yourself burning but an instinct, so strange to you, compelled you to speak out your heart’s desires. “Should I make it more obvious?”

But before Anakin could respond, Obi-Wan found the two of you.

“Ah there you are!” He breathed relieved. Clearly the spot was no more secretive. “Greetings miss Y/N. I believe your master has been looking for you… Now, Anakin.”

And that was how it was. Anakin did not look at you and neither did you. You already felt the weight on your shoulders when you left. Had you turned your head, you’d see Anakin’s blue irises painfully staring at you, wishing you’d know he loved you, wishing you’d not go.

Don’t fade away, Y/N.

But that was the last time you saw each other ever again.

***

Nowadays.

Your POV.

For some reason your instinct forces you to go into hiding. You try to contact your former master with no success, you attempt to reach out for your fellow Jedis—specially Anakin, although since you’ve heard he espoused Senator Padmé Amidala, you and him barely met again.

He would laugh cynically at me for contacting him after all these years, but despair times demand despair measures.

He is also gone. It is when it comes to your knowledge that the Order Jedi is no more. It fell. The Order 66 knocked down every Jedi after the knighthood was condemned for treason. Republic fell too.

Now, like a fugitive, you live in the dark. Solitude is your best defense: you think best not too look for other Jedis so neither would risk being exposed to the Empire.

What resistance can we offer when we are outnumbered?

In truth, you’d been more like a ghost of yourself since before the fall of Republic, and not rarely your master would place the fault in his harsh trainings for earning you the nickname of Phantom. You took a little too far the avoidance of forming bonds, you were emotionally distant and you often preferred your own company.

Once the old Grand Master Yoda told you:

“Perceived to few your shadows are. Tricky to your Force they can be if carelessness is the path you choose. Mindful, Jedi, must you be.”

Words that still cut you to the core of your heart. At times you know you flirt deliberately with darkness, but when it summons you, you resist. Could a broken heart have damaged you so?

Such are the thoughts that bend you to yourself, making you cry to sleep, being the cause of your daily anxieties before night gives way to rise. You are now living into the depths of the planet Y/C, trying to keep yourself a dust in the old books of history, a memory that few would recollect.

However, trouble does not take long before finding you. Somehow the region where you are is involved in a deadly prosecution of these Jedi-hunters known as Inquisitors. And worse is that, the very day you decide to go to market and try to live a normal life, your undercover is no more.

“Oh shit.”

That is when the chase begins. Because there are two of them, they split and one runs after you. You can sense the Inquisitor—an individual with red eyes and predatory behavior—is about to blast you. Your instinct is quick in movement and by making use of your saber, you expose yourself via your signature. Your silver hair drops from the hood in a long braid and you smirk as you begin to fight amongst witnesses in leather clothes.

“I thought the Jedis are dead!”

“Not sure if I am a Jedi”, you reply one of the curious. “But I might die as one.”

***

Vader’s POV.

How he breathes in the cold air sounds mechanical to a man who, although a survival for what happened in Mustafar, feels is more inclined to a machine than anything.

Tangled in a dark web woven by his doings, he who was once praised as the chosen one is something so much more than that. Or perhaps not as great as he himself thought to perceive.

Drowning in the waters of self hatred, haunted by ghosts who never left the path of blood his saber forged, this Sith Lord finds to lose the grasp of an unending self suffocating—didn’t he tell Obi-Wan Kenobi that there is no more Anakin Skywalker?—when the Force shows him the vision of a woman whom his heart never truly blacked out.

His eyes go wide before a mix of visions that blurry his understanding. At first there is the young you crying yourself to sleep.

“The pressures Master Y/C put you through…” Vader speaks with despise and anger boils in the core of his heart, remembering he was there to console you.

It changes to you and him, fooling around. Pranks here, pranks there, laughters that make almost unbearable for him to hear. Specially because he senses of what comes next.

The goodbye. I could never tell her I loved her too. Damn it. Why didn’t you come back to me, Y/N?

Vader watches as the day one last tear rolls in your y/c eyes, the moment you find out he is married. Then comes the Clonic Wars—a reminder of his growing frustration because he could never reach out for you. Vader remembers the sleepless nights, thinking about you, wondering where you were, what you were doing, whether you got hurt. But then other matters came and…

And it matters little to remember his conflict with Obi-Wan the moment he sees you, now a grown woman, becoming a fugitive. When the Order 66 executed your friends, the family you’ve known. Vader, as much as he tries to, cannot dissociate from the vision.

The Force makes him watch your tormented, lonely nights. The fighting for survival. The ghost you’ve become…

Now I see why they called you Phantom.

And now… in the present, where could you possibly be?

It is when his thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an opening door. The metallic noise barely scratched and Vader turns his head abruptly only to see how badly injured you look.

You did put them a fight.

It only angers the Sith Lord. Vader yells something about bringing you unharmed. So long these two inquisitors barely leave alive and yet you survive his burst of anger.

I never stopped loving you, Y/N.

Is it too late to notice it, though?

***

Your POV.

When you open your eyes, regaining the lost conscience never felt so difficult as it is now. You struggle to breathe, your lungs are burning and you feel as if you are about to suffocate. Air is thin and inhaling it aches.

Yet, here you are. There is darkness around you, and it confuses your brain once you find yourself unable to identify where you are now.

“Y/N”, a husky voice startles you.

As a survivor of countless expositions to trauma events, you scream and jump to the point you roll out of bed and fall on the ground. It hurts, waking the pain there is in your body, every bruise that is like a super cut of you.

For you disassociated from yourself long time ago.

So you try to flee, but the Force prevents you to. You could fight if you like, but somehow…feels good being pulled. As if darkness is seducing you.

However, the moment you see a masked man dressed in black leather, you are breathless.

It feels as if I am standing before the face of death.

“Y/N”, he tells you, your name barely leaving his greeted teeth. You can’t see him, you can barely identify him, but the moment he pulls you closer, the one time his gloved fingers touch your shoulders, you know who he is.

“A-Anakin?” Your voice betrays you. And then suddenly there is light. But it matters little where you are. “Anakin, is that you? What have you become?”

The masked man clenches his jaw and you feel his grip around you tightening. You don’t need much to understand what had led him to his downfall.

It is as if I stare a waterfall. I try to swim against the river and yet the magnitude of how it flows leads me to the eventual catastrophe.

Could it be avoided, though?

“Are you well? Are you all right?”

You see through it. You just do. And you break from his tight grasp only to involve him in your arms. He is taken aback, unsure how to respond to this unexpected gesture.

“I am. All the better because you are here.”

This simply changes everything, does it not?

***

Vader’s POV.

He holds his breath. Static as he is, this Sith Lord is emptied into himself, stuck in a void where the evil within is frozen all the whilst the good that remains struggles to get to the surface. The emptiness only lasts momentarily, though.

If love is a sin, he is a sinner. Vader holds to it as he finally puts away the mask. He watches as you react in perplexity when realizing he is the man you once knew. Not that you expected differently, but Vader understands you did come to think he was more a machine than man.

However, when your hands move to his face, your warmth providing a contrast to his cold features, humanity comes outward, woven in a complexity of characteristics that neither could acknowledge it, less so to name them.

“You should have not left… Phantom”, there is despise in the form his tongue carries out the sobriquet attributed to you before the fall of Republic, but there is also pain in how he pronounces it.

The same pain that paints the y/c irises of yours.

“What option did I have?” And he never before felt cold when you drop your hands and stand one step behind, eyeing him with furrow brows. “You chose her. I would never stand in the way for your happiness.”

“I only chose her because you left me”, Vader growls under his breath.

You look pale and for a moment he is concerned you might weaken again. He steps forward in order to short the distance between you two. Vader wraps his hands around your neck as he draws you closer to him.

“What?” It’s all you say.

Vader studies you. He can hear the amount of mess that are much like screams in endless echos . Despair could have turned you into a mad woman, but in truth it is more a mechanism of surviving.

“You heard me well”, he responds, gentler this time. His gloved hands begin to caress your hair, untying it, eyes transfixed in the mess that your curls drop to your waist. Longer than once was, he observes.

“Anakin…”

The one hand that remains around your neck ties the trip to it, but not hard enough so you suffocate.

“It’s Vader, dear one”, he reminds you.

You close your eyes, too tired to ask questions. Curiously enough, his mere presence awakes that part of your heart that has always ached for him. Living in the shadows is not good for you.

Vader’s lips twitch in a small, sly smirk when capturing these thoughts. He reads you well. The dynamics between the two of you haven’t really changed.

“This is who I really am now”, he adds, eyeing the shade of silver that colors your hair. Almost an angel, an elf that looks too divine to grasp. Yet, to break through the sacred your Jedi aura gives away, Vader intends to corrupt you by taking what has always been his by right: your heart.

And he does so by kissing your lips.

***

Your POV.

You still struggle to the new routine your life is. Following Vader everywhere he goes, you, however, resist the dark impulses he tempts you.

“Am I your prisoner? Someone you can toy with?”, you are not afraid of speaking your mind to him.

You don’t fear him. Your boldness is, in fact, the trait he’s always admired in you, perhaps playing a part in those days where he encouraged you in developing it.

Vader’s features struggle against amusement as you snort at him, frustrated for being unable to leave the room. The harder you tried, the blocked you were. Eventually, he turns his head at you and moves to where you are.

“If you believed it to be true, would you be alive to come to these terms? You resist it because you miss your liberty, but in truth haven’t you been slaved to fear and seclusion?” It is only when you stop before him that he takes your face in his hands and his old self emerges to say: “You know I cannot and will not say goodbye to you. Not anymore. This is not a mistake I intend to do again.”

“In truth, Ani”, your voice breaks in a whisper, resting your head against his, eyes closed. “I am scared. I fear the abandonment and the problem is…What if you leave me to die?”

“All this power I have in me will not set us apart. Haven’t I showed you…”

He is bewildered when you shush his words, kissing his lips fervently. If there was reluctance in being with him, in joining his side, this dissipates. You let darkness flows in you, but only because you finally realize it’s always been there—it is part of who you are. Like the sun who needs the moon, your light needs darkness.

And Vader feels your balance when his lips are pressed against yours. It’s delightfully tempting, one of the kind he cannot—and will not—resist.

“Be mine”, you urge him desperately as your hands do not content themselves with playing with his curly hair or stroking his face, but demove him off his robes.

Vader smirks as you scoff underneath your breath before he pins you against the wall and forces you to look at him when he is now shirtless.

“Are you mine?”, he wraps one hand around your neck again and he is aroused by how you lean into it, enjoying to submit to him. “Uh? Say it, Y/N!”

You gasp for air before saying:

“I am yours. As long as you are mine.”

How earnest is to devour each other’s souls when emerging the fleshes into a deeper bond once clothed are tossed aside. There is nothing—no light, no dark; no Jedi, no Sith—to stand between the two of you as he kisses your exposed neck, hands now moving up and down your back, with his fingertips digging into your skin as he leaves traces of bruises all over your neck to your shoulders.

Famine for his affection, you are fed with his devotion. Vader wants you and greedy is his touch when pursuing you. He feels the weight of it pulsing against the leather, but your hands are soon there and to his surprise, you are quick to take a sweet hold of it.

Somewhere in between, your eyes are locked in one flaming gaze, though filled with the deep, intense affection one feels for the other.

And it was right there as he lifts your legs to be wrapped in between, ready to slide inside you, you hear of his voice the desperation that once broke you in the past:

“I love you, Y/N.”

And by saying so, he kisses you tenderly. And you correspond happily.

[missmultipleaffairs]

Undisclosed thoughts about each Taylor Swift album, with my top five from each. I recently re-listened to a couple albums and I now have some regrets.

Debut: Fetus Taylor is my kryptonite I swear to god. I find it funny that I say this because I'm barely older than her when she initially released the album. Anyway, I'm a country fan as far as all goes. With that said, I love Debut, its so fun and cute. Besides Picture to Burn, she goes fucking feral in that. Hearing adult Taylor sing that in an acoustic setting feels so strange. Again, anyway, I love this album. I love all her albums, even my least favorite still stands as pretty good in my mind.

Should've Said No

Picture to Burn

I'm Only Me When I'm With You

Our Song

Stay Beautiful

Fearless (TV): This is one I re-listened to the other day. It's not bad, the songs that are good are amazing and the songs that aren't good have their reasons for not being good. An example of this is how out of place Keith Urban sounds in That's When. Like, I'm sorry, but who is this? Keith Urban sounded like Keith Urban, but he's not built for a Taylor Swift song or sound structure. Idk, he sounds weird.

Forever and Always

You Belong With Me

Fearless (my favorite title track ever)

Hey Stephen (underrated as FUCK, why are we overlooking this one?)

Tell Me Why

Speak Now (TV): MY BELOVED. Speak Now and Folklore are her two best written albums, thank you and goodnight. It's so beautiful, every song has so much passion and love put into it. Dear everything, it's enough to hurt you if you're not careful

Timeless

I Can See You

Sparks Fly

Mine

Better Than Revenge

Red (TV): oh boy did I speak controversial words last time I talked about this one. I'm sorry Red fans I really am. I bad mouthed this one into the fucking dust. I'm sorry for the pain I put you through 😭. It's not a bad album, I think I was just being unfair.

Treacherous

Message in a Bottle

I Knew You Were Trouble

The Very First Night

The Last Time

1989 (TV): MY OTHER BELOVED. She really pulled this one out of almost nowhere and it fucking slayed. I have child hood nostalgia to associate with this one. Since it was the first full Taylor Swift album I ever listened to. Obviously I'd heard songs from others, but never a full album until 1989. Gorgeous, fun, stunning, slayed the house boots down.

Style

I Know Places

New Romantics

Wildest Dreams

Bad Blood

Reputation: CAN WE HAVE REP TV PLEASE. I'm going to lose my shit in about five seconds the longer I wait for the announcement. I feel like I'm losing my mind at this point just waiting for it. That Rep body suit will be the only thing in my life that's consistent unless she comes out in a green version for that announcement that I hope comes in Vienna or London. This is easily the best comeback album ever created. No argument. None. Don't try. My only negative note on it is that Endgame is the worst song in her entire catalog and it's existence is a burden on my soul. Taylor was not thinking when she brought in friends. I need a single version of this, maybe that'll do it justice.

I Did Something Bad

Call it What You Want

This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Ready For it

Don't Blame Me

Lover: I feel like I should say this again, I don't dislike Lover. I do, however, give her some unfair treatment for the objectively TERRIBLE songs on the record. I'm not saying which ones are bad because I'll have a storm of Swifties at my door with their torches. I usually don't come at Taylor for bad songs. Sometimes you gotta though. There's a difference between boring and bad. Lover has songs... that are just bad. I'm sorry. I've tried giving one of those songs a chance because it's a fan favorite, but I have remained on record in saying it's still bad. Sorry Taylor.

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

I Think He Knows

Lover

Cruel Summer

Afterglow

Folklore: I made the mistake of slandering Folklore on her birthday. Swifties, I'm sorry. That won't happen again. I will forever go on record saying this is her best written album, but it's also boring as hell. Most of them anyway. Also, FUCK JAMES. Betty has way more tolerance than I ever would. If James showed up to my party I'd fucking attack him. The police would have to be called. Fuck you James.

Invisible String

My Tears Ricochet

Mirrorball

The Last Great American Dynasty

The 1

Evermore: UNDER-FUCKING-RATED ALBUM. I will love Evermore for my entire life and I do not tolerate the slander towards her. I cannot believe just how botched the Folkmore sets got when merging them to make room for the TTPD era.

No Body, No Crime

Champagne Problems

Right Where You Left Me

Willow

Long Story Short

Midnights: This albums actually not as bad, just meh. I don't have much to say about it. I really don't.

Midnight Rain

Lavender Haze

The Great War

Vigilante Shit

Hits Different

TTPD: MY FAVEEE. You don't have to like every song for it to be your favorite. I wanna say that now. Although it's not the point. This album is amazing. I will forever adore it

So High School

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

Down Bad

The Prophecy

Cassandra

Thats it for me. I'll still be around 🫡

[chemicallywrit]

It’s Audio Drama Sunday and this week was full of bangers! This list is not comprehensive but it is what stuck out this week. Let’s goooooooo

🔥 The Heart Pyre continuously leaves me with the perfect impression of being in middle school reading under my desk. It’s so good it feels like I’m getting away with something. Maybe it’s because Rena is such a relatable protagonist. She’s just a normal girl! She’s just a little teen! What is she supposed to do! And that makes her even more heroic. As always, the choice this week was impossible and I can’t wait to see how it shakes out. Also, Logan And Finn Should Kiss 2k24. @theheartpyre

🗡️ SIDEQUESTING 😭 This episode is so SWEET. I love when Rion grows a little—Sidequesting is episodic and doesn’t lend itself to like, substantial character development. That is fine; it’s not the point of the show. It makes the moments Rion does grow, though, stand out like little jewels. This episode shone. @sidequestingpod

🗝️ Palimpsest is doing its slow burn thing, referencing itself over again as its name suggests it will do, and in this story, I am Very Concerned About That Man Lenore Married. He is condescending and dismissive and he is isolating her, and I DO NOT TRUST HIM.

📼 Within the Wires—oh my gosh, I literally screamed when the canned noises stopped. What is your game, Tony? What do you want with Brian?

🅿️ Podcube was short this week—Podcube is always short—but this episode had me cracking up at work. I love that this team manages to find new conflicts somehow. Man vs man, but they’re assassins and one of them is convinced the other is in love with the target. Why does this work? Why is this so funny? Please listen to Podcube. @podcube

🩸 Hemophobia continues to make my skin crawl. This episode reveals that the characters are Church of Christ, which, for those who don’t know, means they have a really specific set of beliefs about baptism that I KNOW are going to be perfect fodder for the Horrors. And yet it’s all so normal so far. Creepy. Oh, another thing this episode does is portray with perfect gut-wrenching clarity how strange and awful it us to be a devout teenager, and in like, four different ways. Incredible work.

🎣 Eeler’s Choice has some FANTASTIC sound design this episode as Ran comes into their own as a storm chanter—FRICK. I am worried about them. And their new ship. Please be careful and don’t get eaten by fungus. @eelerschoice

✨ Stories from Ylelmore is brand new and SO GOOD, oh my gosh, I am in love with the earnest delivery, the characters who are absolute BABIES, the genuine fascinating mystery. I can’t wait for more. @storiesfromylelmore

🍔 Midnight Burger’s THREE HOUR FINALE brought us home with Clementine. It wasn’t what I expected, and I think that’s kind of Midnight Burger’s MO. The fact that the tone of the dialogue, that the characters themselves, are so cynical and hard—it will trick you into believing that it’s a cynical show. Maybe it is! But it also fights over and over again for the idea that things can be fixed, that love matters, that you can save people and you have to try, you always have to try. And sometimes you win. And that’s how the universe is meant to work. It kills me every time. Also, shoutout to Alan Burgon, always the best, who I love to hear doing his actual accent. @midnightburgr

🐦‍⬛ Leaving Corvat. Oh my word. It’s a wellness cult. Sleeper’s in a wellness cult. I am really pleased with the development his character’s showing, being decisive and brave.

🍵 Gastronaut is going some places and I am OBSESSED. The relationship between Oscar and Polity is everything to me, and the fact that Oscar has gotten to the point where he refuses to ignore his responsibilities, he refuses to leave people behind—he is sometimes stupid, but he is trying and I’m proud of him.

🧟‍♂️ We are getting to the final episode of Precious Cargo in the Dead and y’all….it’s gonna get juicy. I’m not exaggerating, one of the zombie actors used watermelon to get things sounding juuuuust right. Our next story might be even better, too, I can’t wait to show you.

Thank you for reading! If you like what I do, buy me a ko-fi!

[bababaka]

I didn't know (I was always at your mercy) - Cade x reader

A/n -> This fic was requested by @darthrue17. Hope you like it!

Here is his request.

Warnings: Some foul language bc Jade, threats and lil bit of violence bc Jade. And... Pining :)

Summary: Somehow, you and Jade are ensnared by little Cat. And somehow, you do nothing about it. That is, until, she is asked to a date by someone who was not you. Or your girlfriend.

You and Jade had history. You had known each other for years, and had been dating for years as well. You were happy. Jade's brash, intimidating and rude manner in public fell apart when it was just the two of you in her room. In your own world.

You understood each other and that understanding, companionship, was something you wouldn't trade for anything.

You and Cat also had history.

Cat, unlike you and, especially Jade, was extremely kind and innocent. And somehow, somewhere along the way, you and Jade became the little redhead's guardians.

Was there someone bothering Cat? Jade subtly stood behind the little girl. Quickly, everyone ran in the opposite direction.

Had some idiot broken the redhead's heart? You made yourself available, hugging her and whispering comforts in her ear.

"It' his lost. You are amazing. Everyone would be lucky to have you."

"It's gonna be okay. I'm here."

“He's an idiot. You deserve better.”

And, on one of those occasions, you simply hugged the little redhead, and welcomed her, again, comforting her.

"He doesn't deserve your tears."

"It's gonna be okay. I'm here."

“He's an idiot. You deserve better.”

And as you embrace her, scurying your fingers through her hair, brushing away her tears. You look at her. Eyes and nose red, messy hair, lips puckered. You feel the grasp of tiny hands around your heart, squeezing it.

A thought comes to you, unbidden, free, genuine.

I can be better.

This strucks you like a lightning. You didn't expect, it seemed like something that came from a hidden place, though, it didn't feel new. You felt like it was a sentiment that was there, all the time, just waiting to resurface and make itself seen, known, felt.

And this old, new feeling became present.

All. Of. The. Time.

You could only think about Cat, and how you would love to take her on dates, do cheesy and romantic things that she would certainly love and squeal adorably.

That's to say, you were acting strangely. And Jade obviously noticed.

Cat just left Jade's car and entered her house. And as soon as the red head is out of sight, Jade turns to the passenger seat in which you were seated in. She has scowl in her face.

Shit.

"Okay. Spit it out. What's wrong with you?"

You stammer and try to back up, but your girlfriend was having none of it.

Eventually, you just give up.

Nervous, biting your lip, you tell her.

"I might have a little crush on Cat."

"What?"

Jade's face darkens and something dangerous burns in her eyes.

"Uh, what about we have this conversation somewh-"

"We're having this fucking conversation now!"

And she crosses her arms, and you prepare yourself for what is coming.

"What the fuck do you mean you have a crush on Cat? Do you not love me anymore? Do you want to break up with me? Did you cheat on me? Is that fucking it??"

You try to talk but Jade was in a roll, so you just let her tire herself out.

"You trading me for Cat? Is that it? You were just trying to find an excuse to finish things and that's the best you came up with? I can't fucking believe you! How dare you? What? Is it because she is prettier than me? Sweeter- Fucking say something!"

You hold you hands up, and make your voice as non-threatening and soft as you can manage.

"I am not cheating on you neither trading you for Cat or some other girl. I could never. I love you, Jade, and that will never change. You are amazing, darling. And I am so lucky you are my girlfriend." Jade tries to talk back, but you continue. She had her turn, it was yours now. "I… like Cat. Yes. But that doesn't diminish the love I have for you. I doubt anything could."

Her offensive posture deflates then.

"So you won't break up with me?"

You smile softly, take her hand and kiss it.

"I'm afraid you're stuck with me for a long time, if you'll have me."

She melts into you and quietly says:

"Good." she kisses you.

After, as she drives you home, and says goodbye. She all but whispers.

"I guess Cat is cute."

"Hey, Jade! Look! My new unicorn!"

"Another one?"

"Yeah! This one is called Mr. Pointy. Say hi to him."

"…Hi, Mr. Pointy…"

Cat giggles.

"He likes you. He said you are really pretty."

Jade feels her chest squeezing.

Fuck.

A week later, Jades opens your bedroom door abruptly and simply spews out the words “I’m in love with Cat.”

You look up from your homework, and burst into laughter.

Jade pouts and you try to stop yourself from laughing and apologize to your girlfriend. And fails.

After a while, you manage to say something, between chuckles.

"I'm sorry. It was so sudden I couldn't help myself."

She averts her eyes and crosses her arms, you hear a little huff.

After a few moments of silence, you stop laughing while Jade is irritated, turning her face away from you (it's cute. And it quickly reminded you of Cat. Maybe you have a type).

When she realizes you (mostly) get back to normal, she turns to you.

"So, what do we do now?"

You shake off the last remnants of your laughter and frown, confused.

"What do you mean, 'what do we do now'?"

"About Cat and... Our infatuation for her.

"...We do nothing really. What can we do?"

"But-"

You walk over to Jade, grabbing her hands and intertwining them with yours.

"Jade, we don't even know how she would react to this, to our feelings for her. Much less if she would agree to a relationship with the two of us..."

You see Jade's expression conforming. And sighs, sadly.

"Sorry. Let's just wait, okay? And we'll see what we do later."

Jade just nods and softly says "ok."

You pull her into your embrace and kiss her.

"I love you." you murmur against her lips.

"I love you too."

Saying and doing are different things, though. And you and Jade notice that in the following weeks. Doing nothing was harder than it seemed.

At every moment, every little thing, every detail and word that came out of Cat's mouth, every movement, every dance and spin, only made you two love her more.

You guys probably looked like idiots interacting with Cat. Completely smitten with the tiny girl. Jade, however, could maintain a posture, you not so much.

You were at lunch, with your group of friends, when Cat interrups the conversation.

"I want bibbles."

The entire table turns to her.

"Cat, you know you can't eat that."  Jade says.

Cat pouts and puts her hands together.

"But it'll be just a tiny itty bitty bibble. Please?"

And, where lesser beings would cave, Jade stood her ground.

"No."

And that was the end of it. You hear Cat murmuring "damn it".

Later, at night, with a tiny bag full of bibbles, you find Cat.

"Look, i won't tell if you don't"

She smiles happily, hugs you, almost hanging from your neck and takes the bag in your hands.

And as you turn to leave her to savour her treat, she calls your name. 

"Eat it with me?"

You weren't really a fan bibbles, but damn it all, Cat just has those eyes, and little smile and her voice. She has you wrapped around her little finger.

You sit besides her, faking shock, and putting a hand to your chest.

"Wow. Sharing with me? You truly are a changed woman."

She shrugged as she took a bite of the bibble in her hand.

"You took care of me when things were bad." she looks up at you. "So i guess you deserve my bibbles."

You smothered a chuckle.

"Thanks, Cat."

The downsides of doing nothing, though, are that someone can just hop in and do something. 

And you just had you to blame really.

You were with Jade and Cat, in the hallways, chatting away about some horror movie, when a boy you never cared to learn the name walks in your direction, no, Cat's direction, and asks to pull her aside to "talk". 

You're not dumb, and neither is Jade. You knew the boy was into your little redhead. He was slightly familiar. And as you locked eyes with Jade, you were sure he was going to ask her out. 

Sometimes, you wish you weren't right. 

As Cat comes back to you and Jade, she tells you what happened. 

"Brian" that's his name. You were sure you'd forget soon. "Asked me on a date this saturday. Should I accept?" 

You furrow your brows, and look at where Cat was before, and sure enough there was Breno, tapping his feet, biting his lips, looking over to them, waiting for an answer.

Why was she asking you and Jade?

She cares about your opinion, you'd knew that. And you sense the power flowing through you. You had a chance to ruin Bernado's plans, make her refuse him and keep Cat all to you and Jade.  

That is not fair though. Because she wasn't yours, was she? You had no right to manipulate her into saying no.

You sigh.

And as you are opening your mouth to say something, your beautiful, impatient, a little violent, cranky girlfriend was faster than you to respond. 

Her green eyes flew to Barb, appraising him and shooting him a disdainful look. 

"He looks dumb, i should drop my hot coffee on him and scisso-

You cough loudly, and talk over Jade.

"If you want to, you should go. Right, Jade?" 

She glares at you, and you glare right back. Until she gives in.

"Yeah. Whatever. Do whatever the fuck you want." 

The redhead seems uncomfortable, brows furrowed, looking at you two. But at the end, she goes back to Bernardo, and by the big, stupid smile on the boy's face, you understand what she did.

Cat agreed to go out with him.

You hear the coffee cup being crushed and thrown in the trash by Jade, who storms out.

You remain. And you feel your heart crack slightly.

It's gonna be okay.

On the the damn day of the date, you and Jade are at home, watching sad movies and commiserating over the fact that Cat was in someone else's arms and not yours.

Later, you hear your phone ring, it was Cat, crying. Instantly you jump to your feet and become alert, ready to run out to Cat and kill someone.

She says little, just asking if you were with Jade, and then asking the two to pick her up.

She was at Noobu's.

You and Jade immediately go to meet her. Jade, after you told her what happened, had her muscles tense, ready for action, to kill the kid who hurt the tiny girl.

Your redhead.

And as much as you wanted to, you couldn't say you were different. But, you tried to calm down, purely for Cat's benefit, you knew that the redhead didn't like violence, the pure, hot, visceral anger that flowed through your veins.

When you get at the restaurant, you see her on the sidewalk, sitting, wearing a pink and fluffy dress, her head lowered, but her eyes, you notice when you get closer, are swollen.

When she sees you, she all but leaps at you. and she starts crying profusely.

She tries to say something, but everything becomes gibberish and you don't understand anything.

Deciding it would be best to take her to Jade's house, you go to the car, and accompany Cat in the backseat, murmuring words of comfort, while Jade drove, stealing a few glances in the rearview mirror.

"It's gonna be okay. We are here."

When you get home, you go out to the kitchen and get a glass of water and return to the living room, the scene you come across is one that you would love to see more often, in different circumstances.

Cat was on Jade's lap, her red head buried in her neck, and her arms wrapped around your girlfriend, who was holding the tiny girl tightly in a protective, possessive way.

You sit on the couch, and docilely offer the water to Cat. She slowly unwraps herself from Jade, but remains on her lap, with Jade's arms around her.

She drinks the water quickly. She seemed calmer now. No more crying, just traces of tears in her cheeks.

You place an arm around her leg for comfort, more for you than for the redhead.

"Do you want to take a shower?" you ask in a low tone.

Cat sniffs, and nods.

"Yeah." her voice cracks.

You and Jade get up, to get everything ready for Cat.

And as she gets in the bathroom, you and Jade sit on her bed. Both of you silent.

Just trying to get your mind right and processing what happened.

"We shouldn't have let her go on this stupid date. You shouldn't have stopped me."

You sigh.

"She has to decide for herself."

"She got hurt, she was crying the whole fucking drive!"

You shush Jade.

"I know. I was there. Let's hear what happened first, we decide later what we do."

At this Jade gets quiet, then murmurs.

"I'm gonna kill that fucking idiot Monday."

"I'll help you bury the body."

Jade gives you a tiny smile and looks at you.

"Good."

It doesn't take much longer after this for Cat to be done and step into the room.

And when she comes back, you feel your heart expand. She looked so cute in Jade's clothes, a style completely opposite to hers and much larger to her small frame.

You get out of your head as she sits on the bed, in the middle of you. Silent.

Jade can't stand it and asks what Bruno did in a nervous and angry voice, but it wasn't directed at Cat. It never was.

Cat, contrary to what you think, doesn't withdraw, just smiles slightly and shakes her head.

"So what was it?" you ask in a softer voice.

Her eyes fill with tears, and she stutters a few times until she breathes and then speaks.

"The date was great, he's cute, affectionate, funny, but something was missing. A-and when he tried to kiss me, I couldn't, I couldn't. I just ran. I can't do this anymore. I can't try to give my heart away when it already belongs to you two."

Your eyes widen. You freeze. Your heart stops for a moment to begin try beating it's way out of chest.

What the fuck?

Jade is the one who recovers faster.

"What?"

Cat sniffles, and straightens up, head lifting and eyes sharp, serious, but still sweet. Everything about Cat was sweet.

"I like you guys. I don't want to ruin your relationship, or our friendship, but I can't deny it anymore, I have to say. I… I love you two. You always look out for me, and you make a point of making me comfortable, you make me laugh. And I feel this strange and pleasant way around you that I can't, won't feel with anyone else."

Seconds of silence pass, until Jade surprisingly - maybe not - kisses Cat and whispers:

"I've been waiting to do this."

Coming out of you frozen state, you touch Cat's chin and gently turn her face towards you, slowly, giving the redhead space and time to deny it. But no, she lets herself be guided and kissed. Brief. Just a move of lips.

So, you let her go, smile, and say.

"We've always been here for you."

Jade adds.

"And we always will be."

"Oh so you're saying you were waiting for us to make a move?" Jade turns to you, with the smuggest face you've ever seen. "So we shouldn't have done nothing? Uh."

You groan.

"I was wrong, okay? I'm sorry."

"There is nothing sweeter than being right."

"Not even Cat?"

You both turn to the red head, Whose's ducking her head.

"Okay. You're right. She's sweeter."

And as Cat blushes, Jade smiles and pulls her in for a kiss.

And, right after, you pull Cat for a kiss and murmur against her lips.

"Definitely sweet."

[feelingliketheworst]

..I am finally writing something..I have not written in a long time, and it is late. But short peek?

Hoofs clacked against the stone, and Adam held tight onto the rope which was burning in his hand. The majestic animal next to him snorting anxious, he could feel her muscles tightening by every noise echoing between the walls.

She was the newest addition to the stables of his father, a strong Friesian horse, imported merely a week ago from overseas. But as strong as she was, her temperament had been giving his family and the stable staff quite the hardship.

Even his own father, who was well-known for his experienced riding had almost lost his balance on her. His son hoped to find a connection with the mare, though his sore body betrayed it would be a long way to go. Adam winced when the horse abruptly lifted her head, the rope pulled roughly over his palm. He quickly switched hands to check on his skin. Which was burning red.

“You shouldn’t grasp the rope so tight” a voice came from one the stalls, slow and almost monotonous, with a hint of a scoff.

Adam followed its advice, leaving the rope to hang loosely in his other hand. He stared into the shadows, attempting to make something out of the dark. A young man, roughly his own age, was busy with spreading new bedding for the horses.

His sister Martha had mentioned about a new stableboy joining the forces of their staff. Most of the staff were respectful against the young master, their voices dripping with fake admiration. This new boy however carried along a type of attitude mismatching what Adam had grown up to hear from the lower classes.

“Do you need me to lead her to her stall?” The same voice brought him out of his thoughts again, suddenly the stableboy had emerged from the shadows. The first detail Adam noticed was the tall height, secondly the dark short wavy hair, and thirdly the deep brown eyes similar to a dog, staring at him.

“Euh, it is fine, I can do it myself” Adam almost stumbled over his own words, unable to tear his gaze from those watching eyes.

The stableboy just nodded. He leaned against the pitchfork, in a nonchalant manner. Adam felt insulted by the behavior; he did not understand how this boy simply dared to act like that near him.

And strangely enough to add, he also could not help but feel some type of adoration for the rebellious trait in this stableboy. It was almost refreshing to experience. Despite those mixed emotions regarding the new staff, he decided to play it polite from his side. Perhaps even more so than his own father would ask from his only son.

“My name is Adam, might I inquire about yours?”

He believed to spot a glimpse of a smile on the boy’s face, who straightened himself up. He ignored the hand waiting to be shaken.

“Jenkins, young master”

[clawbehavior]

Hi and happy new year 🌺🌺🌺

For the wip game:

I'm really intrigued to know more about these : 3,8 and 13 (sorry for being greedy 😅)

Please

happy new year anon!

not only do i love that you asked about more than one WIP (i am greedy with you), i loooove these choices because i just updated the work that is #3, so i'm knee deep in it emotionally. it's 'everything everywhere all at once', my money lender au! i have 5-10 drafts going at any time for this story because writing a new chapter helps me simplify the plot. then i have to write that down and cross reference against the clues i already published.

eeaao is very dear to my heart because it was my second foray into fanfic writing after more than a decade and my first multi chapter work. i get a unique thrill from reader engagement with it. finishing it is going to be a life accomplishment for me because of the amount of time i've spent on it (a year) and the very real plans i made in september to discontinue it. we're all good now though, with things finally falling into place for the remaining 1.5 chaps.

i'm posting a snippet from y's take on things which is his version of eeao, made unique by the context he brings to their interactions. i love this scene so much that i actually use it as a treat, telling myself i can publish it only if i finish the main work lmao. so i'm THRILLED you asked about it anon, thank you 🥰🥰

i will reply to the other WIPs in your asks shortly but for now, enjoy the snippet under the break.

after the breakup, yohan has wet dreams like never before. he dreams of gaon. of laying him on the bed with reverant hands and tying him to it so he can't leave. of ravishing him while gaon moans and cries and begs for more. of releasing gaon at the end, only for him to climb into yohan's lap greedy for kisses and with whispered promises that he'll never leave, that he'll stay by yohan's side no matter what. because he loves yohan.

the dreams are incomprehensible without a structured timeline or form. he cooks for gaon and feeds him with his hands in some. he binds gaon's wrists together under the younger man's besotted gaze in another. they drive down an endless road at night, gaon curled into the passenger seat, his forever companion. 

only once does yohan dream something so terrible that he does something unbelievably cruel in real life to offset the feeling and leads a man to believe his family is burning alive in their home to prove a point. and the thing he dreams of is raising a family with gaon. 

he wakes up thrashing, in sweat stippled sheets twisted around his waist and legs. stumbles out of bed and into clothes and away from a home saturated with gaon's presence. for two whole weeks after that, he avoids his house. isaac picks up on this strange energy within the first week, becomes downright meddlesome by the third. yohan rebuffs his well-intentioned efforts and throws himself into his work, into the hunt, the remaining stronghold of his life because it's where gaon cannot be found. 

or so he thinks. he's just wrapped up a successful negotiation that gives him significant editorial oversight over a prominent but heavily indebted news company, and is leaving the VIP section of the club when he sees him. gaon's on the lower floor, sound and strobing lights separating him from yohan. he's sitting on a bar stool, talking to another man. being propositioned, it's obvious. the man has his hands jammed in his pockets but has leaned close, eagerly making a point and staring at gaon with a desire yohan knows well. 

how could he not? gaon looks lovely, even though he's tied up in a suit while everyone around him is in clubbing clothes. he's swirling his drink one handedly and listening with his head cocked to the side, inviting but not reciprocating. 

from his vantage point on the upper floor, yohan catalogues all this in the brief look he allows himself. then he walks straight out of the bar and to his waiting car. he'd let gaon so could live his life. without yohan. ergo, with someone else. 

yohan's many things, but what he's not is unselfaware. so he doesn't bother berating himself in the time it takes to switch his attire for a different kind of hunting outfit, black sweats and a hoodie. 

gaon's place looks the same, yohan notes from where he's hidden by the shadows across the street. it's also dark. 

which doesn't mean anything, he tells himself with a faint tinge of desperation. gaon could've gone bar hopping. but yohan remembers the closed line of his body even as let the man come too close, how gaon's wrists were concealed by two layers when he bared his skin willingly for yohan. 

maybe yohan wasn't as self aware as he told himself.

this line of thought is immediately blown apart when gaon rounds the bend with his friend, cheeks flushed by alcohol and the cold. yohan crushes his cigarette under his sneaker and stares hungrily. gaon catches yoon soohyun when she stumbles -- a show, yohan thinks meanly, given how sturdy her boots are -- and pulls her into an affectionate one-armed hug, tugging her up the stairs and into his apartment. 

soohyun is my oldest and closest friend, yohan recalls as he watches the house. the bedroom light turns on. we're not romantically involved, nor have we ever been. 

platonic, yohan reminds himself. but a platonic friend could fill a sexual need just fine, albeit insufficiently. this is good, he decides. it means gaon's moving on. somewhat. and not with the stranger from the bar.

he's not fooling himself that the thought of gaon pushed up against his kitchen counter by someone else, for someone else to undo his tie inbetween laughing kisses and mess up his carefully styled hair, tug his shirt out of his trousers filled yohan with sick violence. it was the sex, but it was more than that. it was knowing how unselfconscious and uninhibited gaon was during sex. the experience opened him up in such a way that a part of him sunk into his surroundings, including the body of his lover. yohan felt it every time he left gaon, that gaon had deposited a piece of himself in yohan's hands, permanently changing them both in the process.

the lights in the bedroom go out. 

yohan swallows. 

a moment later, the living room lights turn on, a lithe frame passing near the windows before everything goes dark again. it means he hasn't moved on yet, yohan thinks, drawing his armor around himself again. but the hurt comes from deep within, a feeling breaking him apart like a tree root piercing concrete. 

yohan should've pushed him away earlier. before he got attached. he slinks into the alley and heads home, feeling worse than better.

and then one day, just as chaotically as gaon walked out of yohan's life, he walks back in.

[darth-jess-book-reviews]

REVIEW: The Hurricane Wars by Thea Guanzon

Summary (Provided by Goodreads)

The heart is a battlefield.

All Talasyn has ever known is the Hurricane Wars. Growing up an orphan in a nation under siege by the ruthless Night Emperor, Talasyn has found her family among the soldiers who fight for freedom. But she is hiding a deadly secret: light magic courses through her veins, a blazing power believed to have been wiped out years ago that can cut through the Night Empire's shadows. 

Prince Alaric, the emperor's only son and heir, has been forged into a weapon by his father. Tasked with obliterating any threats to the Night Empire's rule with the strength of his armies and mighty Shadow magic, Alaric has never been bested. That is until he sees Talasyn burning brightly on the battlefield with the magic that killed his grandfather, turned his father into a monster, and ignited the Hurricane Wars. In a clash of light and dark, their powers merge and create a force the likes of which has never been seen. 

Talasyn and Alaric both know this war can only end with them. But a greater threat is coming, and the strange new magic they can create together could be the only way to overcome it. Thrust into an uneasy alliance, they will confront the secrets at the heart of the war and find, in each other, a searing passion--one that could save their world...or destroy it. 

An exquisite fantasy brimming with unforgettable characters, sizzling enemies-to-lovers romance, and richly drawn worlds, The Hurricane Wars marks the breathtaking debut of an extraordinary new writer.

My Review: 3/5 Stars

I really enjoyed reading this book, and going into it knowing it was romantasy (romance first, then fantasy) really helped me enjoy it more. I loved the relationship between Talasyn and Alaric, and how their relationship grows. I also love the whole enemies to lovers vibe, and the writing was overall wonderful! The world building was also great.

However, this book definitely could've been 4 stars for me, but there are three reasons why it wasn't.

First, the entire first third of the book was kind of boring. If it weren't for my best friend telling me that it gets really good, I probably would've stopped reading it.

Second, I did not care AT ALL about the Sardovians. The main character struggles with her feelings for Alaric, the Night Emperor, because of her loyalties to the Sardovians, and I felt like I was SUPPOSED to care about them, but I didn't one bit. The Night Empire could've killed them all and I wouldn't have minded, in fact I would've honestly preferred that. The author built up no emotional connection to these people even though she focused on Talasyn's time with them for the first 3rd of the book.

Finally, some of the dialogue felt off. Like Talasyn and Alaric would be having some kind of petty banter, and I LOVE petty banter, but then Talasyn would cut it off with a "shut up" or something and it came off as rude and sort of out of character for the specific scenario. I think some of the dialogue was stilted, and also some of the interactions between Talasyn and Alaric could've been written better.

It did make it harder for me knowing that originally, this book was a Star Wars fanfic of enemies to lovers between Rey and Kylo Ren, and if you don’t know me then I’ll tell you right now that I am not a fan of Rey as a character at all. So I think I may have been biased toward the main character Talasyn, knowing she was originally “supposed” to be Rey.

Overall, I really enjoyed this book and I can't wait to read the next one! I hope the author improves the things I mentioned, but even if she doesn't, I'm still excited for book 2 of the Hurricane Wars.

[iamvegorott]

Meeting A Magical Man Pt. 4

Part 1: Link Prev: Link Next: Link

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Marvin liked to use magic for most everyday tasks and more, but when it came to his tea, he was old-school with it. It never tasted right if he used magic with it. The only time his magic and tea would connect was at the end of the experience when the tea was gone and drank up, leaving behind some leaves on the bottom. As a magic user, he could read them much differently than non-ones trying it. It was always fun to see what he could get from new people. Sometimes he can line it up so that his tea leaves connect with the other person’s, a little peek at how said person would affect Marvin. He’s thrown out men several times before because his leaves did not show anything good about keeping them around. 

“Honey?”

“What’s up?” Chase perked up in his seat and got Marvin to laugh a bit. 

“I was asking if you wanted honey in your tea.” Marvin held up the little container. 

“O-Oh yeah-I-uh-yes, please.” Chase’s face was pink, and he picked at his fingers. 

He was adorable. 

“I guess I am fairly heavy-handed on my pet names.” Marvin giggled, stirring the honey into Chase’s tea. “Not shocking that you got a little mixed up.” 

“Yep, that’s-that’s what caused it.” Chase cleared his throat.

“Now, this is still pretty hot, so be careful. I’m supposed to be helping you, not burning you.” Marvin placed a teacup in front of Chase on the kitchen table. “Unless you ask me to, of course.” He added with a wink before sitting in the chair across from him. Marvin could tell Chase was about to ask what he meant before it clicked, and the pink on his face turned red. 

Again, so adorable.

“So, while we’re waiting for your clothes to dry, I’m going to get a better look at your aura,” Marvin said. “First thing first, are you comfortable right now? I know you’re just in a pair of my spare pants, but you need to be at an even level for this to be as accurate as possible.” He took a little sip of his tea. 

Marvin himself was dressed in a pair of black stretchy pants. They were soft, comfortable, and easy to move around in, plus they made his ass look perfect. He also wore a simple purple crop top, but the slits on the side and down his chest had the top barely covering his torso, but it was his favorite, so he wore it around the house a lot. 

“I’m comfy. They’re actually a little big. I wasn’t expecting that.” Chase chuckled, unaware that ‘Marvin’s spare pants’ were his ex’s pants he had left behind, which is why they fit the way they did. Marvin wasn’t about to tell Chase that, though. 

“I thrive on being a good host.” Marvin hummed and took another sip. He watched Chase finally pick up his cup and sniff it. 

Just like a puppy with something new. 

“Earthy.” Chase smiled when he noticed Marvin watching him, and he took a sip, letting out a hum of his own. “That’s pretty good.” 

“It’s because I made it. Make sure you drink it all up. I’ll need it empty to help me with this job.” 

“Okay.” Chase’s smile only grew, tilting his head in curiosity, but just going with it and having another sip. 

“You shouldn’t feel anything since I’m just reading you, but if you feel tingling, just ignore it. This won’t cause any harm.” Marvin softly chuckled when Chase only nodded in understanding this time and continued working on his tea. Chase liked tea a lot more than he ever thought he would. “Just breathe and relax,” Marvin said, waiting for the final nod before taking in a deep breath of his own, closing his eyes, and when he reopened them, they went from their usual blue to a bright green, glowing and casting a bit of a hue on his white mask. 

Chase couldn’t see what Marvin could, only waiting as Marvin’s eyes focused on him. It was strange…being studied like this. He’s heard of auras before but didn’t know anything about it. There was a good chance that whatever he thought he knew was wrong. He was nowhere near the world of magic users, having discovered them only a few years ago because of frantic, delusional-induced research in hopes of reversing something that could not be done. Well…technically, it could, but he wouldn’t be able to, and too much time had passed for it to happen if he had found someone who could. 

“Interesting.” Marvin finally spoke, eyes returning to their natural state. “I should easily be able to work with that.” 

“That’s good?” 

“Very. Sadly, most of the ingredients I’d need to make the potion in mind I don’t have, so it’ll be some time before it’s made, but we have a start.” Marvin took a lot of pride in his work, a little puff to his chest as he spoke about it. “What I have might be able to help a little, it won’t make you sleep, but you’d be able to relax. Better than nothing while you wait.” 

“Sounds perfect. Thank you, Marvin. I know you’re going out of your way for this cause of Henrik, but it’s still really nice of you to help me.” Chase’s smile was so soft and tender. Marvin felt that same warmth in his chest that he got the first time they had kissed. Apparently, he was really into the whole…whatever Chase had going for him. Probably a kink of some sort but nothing more. He didn’t really do the whole ‘feelings’ thing. When he had tried, it always screwed him over, and he was done with it. 

“Don’t get too sappy on me, or I’ll be making us have to take another shower~” Marvin playfully purred, seeing Chase was done with his tea and was blushing again. He would end up permanently like this if he kept this up. “You can get your clothes now. They should be all dried and ready.” He reached over and took Chase’s cup. 

“You sure you don’t mind me moving around your place?” Chase asked as he got up from the table. 

“If I didn’t, I would have tied you down by now. But that’s something we can try on a different night.” Marvin winked and worked on drinking his tea, wanting to finish it before Chase returned. 

“I-uh-we-uh-’kay.” Chase just fumbled out some gibberish and headed off. Marvin chuckled and quickly finished the rest of his tea.

“Alright, let’s see what we have going here,” Marvin spoke to himself and stood, setting the two cups next to each other. 

He studied the collection of tea leaves that rested on the bottom of them. Looking at their placements, the shapes they took, and how they matched or didn’t match the other. 

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

Marvin felt his throat tighten and flipped the cups over, pressing his hands against the tops and leaning over. Maybe if he messed up the leaves and ruined their patterns, it wouldn’t be true. It wasn’t allowed to be true. That can’t happen. It can’t. 

“Marvin?” Chase’s voice pulled Marvin’s thought back to the present. He needed to get the energy back to where it should be, get back on the level that he was safe and comfortable at. 

“Checking out my ass~” Marvin’s giggle sounded forced, but he knew Chase wouldn’t notice as he wiggled his hips. The sputtering Chase let out told him it had easily worked. “Can’t blame you. These pants are great at their job.” 

“No-I mean-I wasn’t-but like-maybe-maybe a little and-uh-sorry.” Chase rubbed his blushing face. 

“Get everything okay?” Marvin asked, seeing that Chase was now fully dressed.

“Y-Yeah. I should-I should head out. I need to get ready for work.” Chase awkwardly rubbed his neck. 

“I’ll see you at Henrik’s tonight,” Marvin said. 

“I’ll see ya.” Chase shot finger guns as he gathered his keys, phone, and wallet and left the house. 

As soon as Chase was gone, Marvin sighed and went over to some flowers, looking at the planted rose Chase had given him. He gently ran a hand over the rose’s petals and muttered to himself.

“The leaves can be wrong, and they are.”

----------

Tags: @brokentimewatch @bookwormscififan @d-structive

[transingthoseformers]

Sorry for another long one. I am basically planning this out while gushing about it. Now into some more juicy SG Autobot dynamics.

Goldbug is definitely jealous of the "new baby". He has been undisputedly Tarn's favorite (he reminds him of Glitch) and it is clear to everyone that Amp is special. Goldbug does not take this well and complains to the others in the squad about it. 

Mainly, Thunderclash who is using him as a shield from Rodimus who won't stop making doe eyes at him. Not that Thunderclash recognizes it. Tarn said everyone had to spar to help work out some tensions and Rodimus went for him and Thunderclash managed to catch and pin him. He's thoroughly convinced that Rodimus wants him dead. But it's well known he cannot stand Goldbug.

Everyone else is well aware Rodimus wants him distinctly not dead and thoroughly somewhere else because a.) Rodimus likes big bots (see Ultra Magnus and that brief flirtation with Optimus), b.) Rodimus is definitely trying to get close to one of Tarn's and potentially manipulate them, and c.) Rodimus is under the mistaken impression that Thunderclash, no name loser Goldbug thinks with almost fondness, has a crush on him because Thunders is always unfailingly polite and helped Rodimus up and brushed him off and strictly follows Tarn's "Proper Manners" to a T. So basically Thunderclash acted like a perfect gentleman which was high above Roddie's minimal standards. Rodimus clearly wants an ego boost and is going for it and the more he is denied the more he wants.

Goldbug despairs for Thunders intellect and his Spark when Rodimus gets a hold of him.

Jazz though is listening and Jazz likes to start stuff and is testing out Tarn's boundaries and has a good idea on Goldbug and Amp's personalities. So he encourages Goldbug to do something about it. Thunderclash is very distrustful and Goldbug feels vindicated.

Goldbug hunts Amp down, sneaking into that side of the base, and finds him reading over poetry. Goldbug decided to test him out and is startled to find he is recognized on sight. Amp beams at him and mentions that Tarn had told him about his team and he couldn't wait to meet them.

Goldbug invites him on a Hunt and the bubbly Amp agrees.

They are hunting down a traitor named Doubledealer. Upon hearing this Amp speaks very coldly for the first time and says "Traitors should be punished." Goldbug jerks because it sounds like Tarn. They work together somewhat clumsily and Amp ends up saving Goldbug who gets caught up and knocked unconscious. Goldbug wakes up to Doubledealer dead allegedly from being electrocuted by the building wires of the apartment he collapsed on them and Amp caring for Goldbug.

Goldbug and Amp bond and Goldbug becomes protective of his "delicate" friend and when they come back he notes strange burns on Doubledealer's wrists but doesn't think much of it.

Amp meanwhile goes back home humming and pleased with himself. Tarn has been very careful teaching him about loyalty and Decepticons and Jazz has been covering loyalty and getting information. Amp has found he has a knack for information and has been stalking all of the Seekers and making profiles about them and hacking Blaster’s feeds and the communication system. Killing was uncomfortable but he remembered what Tarn taught him and that he needed to protect Goldbug (his new friend!) and managed it.

Amp was totally playing Goldbug but now Goldbug has decided they are friends and will be introducing him to the others. Jazz notes him sneaking in and teases him about "collecting bugs with honey". Jazz has taken to Amp as well and made some comments about mentoring himself, which had terrified Prowl. Amp is training with both of them under Tarn's protective instructions.

Amp is determined to make his mentor proud and happily brings him Doubledealer's body and looks up for praise. Optimus is there and watches Tarn praise Amp with a strange look before hesitating and patting Amp's head and telling him he did well. Amp is thrilled because his other pseudo mentor is much more distant usually.

Goldbug is 100% way so jealous.

The idea of sg Thunderclash clinging to Goldbug as sg Roddie repellant is hilarious, even more hilarious that sg Rodimus is down bad.

Thunderclash i don't think Roddie wants your head, at leat not the one you think he wants

SG Rodimus playing minigames with himself

oh sg thunderclash you're trying and what that has gotten you is a stalker

Jazz: shitstirrer extraordinaire

Ohhhoh? Goldbug and Amp rivals (at least a one sided rivalry on Goldie's part) to friends?

...hm. interesting, amp, interesting.

Dear fuck Amp is gonna get terrifying quick isn't he

.... a penny for Optimus's thoughts? Because he's either slightly afraid (unusual) or jealous of his pet Lord's mentee (more likely, has severe consequences)

[fragileswift1313]

Mrs Maisel Musings!

Kia ora, friends!

Alright, here it is folks, the moment maybe some, maybe none of you have been waiting for: my thoughts on the The Marvellous Mrs Maisel final season. I did it, I finally got it done. I think the reason it took me so long, aside from previously mentioned mental health issues, is that writing stuff like this for five hundred and sixteen minutes of television is hard! It’s really hard. I would love to hear what you all think of this, and if you want to discuss what I’ve written here, or even just about the show or season in general, please hit me up! I would love to talk about it with you.

Now enough with the delays and the stalling - please enjoy my review (??) of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel season 5, the final season.

So, I really liked the first few seasons of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel. Even though it’s a bit cheesy and dopey at times. Rachel Brosnahan is a joy to watch on-screen, and a lot of the other actors here do a really great job with the script they were given... such as it is. On a recent rewatch, though, I started to see the strings a little bit - things that I liked the first time around just didn’t quite hit the same. I got through most of it, all the important parts, and then I started the new season. It’s been a couple weeks or so since I finished it, and I’m not as down on it now as I was when I started, but y’all, I am about to have some opinions.

This the final Mrs Maisel season really feels like creator Amy Sherman-Palladino probably wanted to do at least one more season after this, but someone at Jeff’s Website Studios said no, so she simply decided to burn the show to the ground.

Now as I wrote in the subtitle, I am about to spoil things here, so this is your final warning: if you don’t want to be spoiled for season five of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel, get out now.

Also: foul language ahead! 🤬

The entire point of this season seems to be leaning into how much of a piece of shit Miriam Weissman is. We get glimpses of her in “current day” 1962 juxtaposed with scenes set in 1972 and 1982, and a couple of other random years, where we skip around and see all sorts of wild stuff - Midge is rich and famous, her kids Ethan and Esther are all grown up, Joel is in prison, and there are some bonkers and hilariously bad facial prosthetics.

Now, aside from the hilariously stupid idea that Midge as a stand-up comic somehow got insanely rich, there are some cool ideas here. The first episode opens with Esther in a psychiatrists office in 1981, searching through a backpack for something and seeming very annoyed. On first watch, I didn’t like that this is something that’s shown at all, but the more I thought about it the more I warmed to the idea. In previous seasons, The Marvellous Mrs Maisel has at times made a point of showing Midge being a terrible and/or absent mother, usually for comedic effect, but I think it’s interesting that they took this idea and bore it out, to show that mid-20’s Midge’s actions had consequences. In a later episode we also see Ethan as an adult, with Midge annoyingly landing in a helicopter nearby and upsetting everyone - this wasn’t as interesting to me, but it was still a good glimpse into how little regard Midge appears to have for anyone but herself, Joel, Susie, or Lenny Bruce.

Speaking of Lenny Bruce, I want to talk about his appearances in the final season. If you know anything about him from real life, you might know how his life ended, and where. The very first episode of season five has Midge bumping into him randomly at the airport when he is about to board a plane to Los Angeles. This made me so. Fucking. Mad. IRL Lenny Bruce was found dead in his home in Hollywood Hills in 1966, which lead me to believe that the very last time Midge will ever see him was this scene at the airport. Midge walks away from the interaction with Lenny with a strange look on her face, as if she somehow knows that this will be the last time she ever sees him alive, and it is my humble opinion that that fucking sucks. Lenny Bruce is one of the best characters on this show, with a ton of great appearances and lines and jokes, and Luke Kirby does a phenomenal job of capturing the real Lenny’s energy - it’s not 1:1, but it’s a great depiction, and I simply cannot believe Amy S-P would do my boy like this. The only other time we see Lenny in this season is years later, performing in front of a fairly disinterested crowd as he mumbles and rambles about this thing and that, and it’s so fucking depressing. This season, the show never outright mentions his drug use, but it’s heavily implied, and there’s a moment in a back room where he is talking to Susie and appears to be unable to stand up. On the one hand, I’m kind of pleased that they didn’t depict his death at all, but it really bothered me that these two scenes were all we got of him before the show stops referencing him at all.

The part of this season that really shines the most to me is a scene from episode eight, with Abe in a dimly-lit restaurant with Gabe, his boss, and a couple of colleagues. The scene begins with Abe checking his coat and coming over to sit where Gabe etcetera are already seated around a table and chatting. They order some wine. There’s a cut here to a few minutes later where the wine has arrived and been poured, and Abe sits silently, swirling his drink and clearly deep in thought while the others talk amongst themselves. Eventually, Gabe interrupts Abe’s thoughts, telling him that he had been raving to the others about his conversational skills. Abe apologises. “It’s just… the whole goddamn world, you know,” he says, clearly depressed about something. “Only that?” chimes in one of the other men at the table. Then ensues a conversation about the state of the world, about progress, about gender inequality and mental health, even, which was surprising to me. This scene is heartbreaking, and might be some of the best writing in the entire series. I cried watching this scene the first time around, and again just now rewatching it. It’s really sad that Abe never got the kind of character development shown here earlier, I would have liked to see that.

Episode six is an interesting sort of experiment; beginning with Midge on stage, in 1985, talking about her relationship with Susie, it then transitions into a roast for an indifferent and grumpy Susie in 1990, which is basically a device for a bunch of famous people you’ve seen in other things to come together as characters never seen before or again and tell stories about Susie’s rise to fame as one of the biggest talent managers in the United States. Here we get an explanation for why Joel is in prison, and a bunch of seemingly randomly selected stories about what Susie has been up to since 1962. As with the portrayal of Esther in episode one, this was another thing about this season that really bothered me at first, because it felt like it lacks focus, but as I thought about it more, it started to grow on me. This collection of tales about Susie’s exploits make sense for her character, and help to define who she is.

Overall, this season really fell down for me when I realised that a lot of really interesting moments never truly pay off. We jump around a lot between different years and perspectives, and we see a lot of things that could have been great story arcs, but they simply end and are never mentioned again. I really do feel like this season was supposed to be two or more, and Jeff’s Studio said no, so Amy Sherman-Palladino lit it all on fire. I think that if hyou like this show, it might still be worth it to catch the final season, but personally I feel like it should never have been made - at least not in this form. I would much rather have seen this stretched out more, over at least one more season. It tries to give the viewer some closure in the very last scene of the very last episode, but for me it falls flat. I don’t think I’ll ever watch this again.

Thanks so much for reading! What did you think? Once again, please feel free to hit me up in the comments, on the socials, or send me an email. And as always, if you want to read more stuff by me, you can check out my Letterboxd reviews - I recently reviewed The Craft (1996), Eradication (2022), and The Sand (2015)!

I hope y’all are staying safe out there! Have a great week and I’ll talk to you again soon. Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

Rebecca

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[theratandcatshow]

Episode 3: Catch The Rainbow

You had shown yourself to the Smillimng Critters and thus fulfilled the first mission. However... You are now being Followed by Bubba Bubbaphant. This not only brings problems, but also a new perspective on the whole situation.

---

Ta-Daaaaaa: A new chapter! Have fun reading!

---

Being chased is not what you imagined. In a dark alley on a winter's night, cold wind hitting every open skin of yours and of course the human slowly swinging up behind you, making every cell of your body scream out of fear and panic.

But here? No, you never expected this. The bright fields, overflowing with the rays of light streaming from the false sky and the fresh air wafting past you. Hills, trees and a lush landscape are all in your sight...but not in your ears.

You heard him, Bubba Bubbaphant. The fine vibrations on the ground, you almost missed them, but you heard it. How the Fine Grass helmets buckle on the ground and a blunt, large footprint burns the flat.

Do rats have good hearing?  Why do I hear him even though he's further away?

But I'm not a rat, am I?

I am...

What am I?

No, you shouldn't be thinking about that right now. After all, you're being chased by one of the Damned Smilling Critters, the smartest of them all, Bubba Bubbaphant. You are still running across the fields, but you have an idea.

In 40 meters there is a large stone wall right next to CatNap's house. You saw it on the map, a big purple house on top of a cat tree. That wasn't important at first, the stone wall was important. If you tightened your fingers, you could use your claws, even better, it was the perfect way to win a confrontation. You could get close to Bubba and, if in doubt, end it all.

At the same time, you still have the big backpack on your back, and Bubba has probably seen it. Maybe it's not a bad idea to attack him, you could just say he's lost or something.

Of course you wouldn't tell them, you won't show your face for the time being and you'll watch everything from afar. You first need to know how much they know about all this.

I'm not allowed to turn around, that would be far too suspicious.

Your legs feel heavier than before, even though you are still running through the great grasses. But in a few steps you'll be there, and you'll win the first confrontation with Bubba.

Genius? You are nothing.

You would definitely win in a fight. Not just because it's a one-on-one fight. You're faster, more agile and more adaptable than Bubba. He might be better in terms of pure body strength, but even if he's wider, it wouldn't do him any good. A long cut on his belly with your claws and he would have already lost.

There you were, the huge house of CatNap and the stone wall on your left. You had about thirty seconds until Bubba was within five meters of you. Until then, you still had...

What?

You notice it immediately, even if you are still standing in the grass.

The scales on the map were wrong.

The stone wall was further away from the house, and therefore an extra distance without cover from Bubba's eyes. He would certainly see you if you went as far as the stone wall, even more so if you went around the corner. You have to act, faster than ever before.

What should I do? It'll take too long to get to the stone wall, he'll see me. It would be risky at CatNap's house, I would leave traces.

You decide, CatNap's house.

A small jump to the left, a sprint and another jump. Tighten your fingers on both hands so that you can literally feel the claws. Then you stand cross-legged, keeping your left leg on the ground while you slightly raise your right leg into the air. Take a look at the purple wall of CatNap's house and you know which area you can claw at. Now, push off once with your feet, keep your eyes up and you're stuck to the wall, the strange fabric feeling funny against your claws.

Where is the Fat Blue Elephant?

You wait.

10 seconds.

15 seconds.

20-

That's when you heard it. Damn quiet, but you heard it.

It was him, Bubba Bubbaphant. The way he quietly and carefully put one leg in front of the other and ran on. His blue form didn't stand out as much in the green grass as you thought, but he also ran crouched to make it better.

Then something happened that you hadn't expected.

He stood directly beneath you against the wall of CatNap's house.

He took a camera out of a bag that you only now notice. Small and silver, it's even shiny, reflecting a tiny bit of light as it leaves his pouch. He angles his body harder against the wall, and you quickly and precisely yank your claws out of position, stand a little higher, and quietly ram them back into the purple wall.

"Damn, he just disappeared behind the stone wall...I have to tell the others...Who knows how much he knows"

He's right below you, standing there, camera in hand and talking to himself.

This is the last time that you'll be able to come within 2 meters of me... Come near me again and I'll rip you apart.

You would do it, for sure.

Tighten your claws and end his life with a horizontal cut through his belly. If that's what you were asked to do, you would do it. You would kill him and none of his friends can do anything about it.

"Fuck-fuck-fuck...I need to take a better look at the footprints"

What?

Bubba moves away from the wall, stands in the middle of the grass and holds out the camera. You continue to watch him as he stands there and takes pictures of your prints in the tall grass.

He has a camera? From where? But that doesn't make any sense? A camera but nothing else digital like a cell phone or something? Or did he assemble the camera himself? No, he won't be that clever.

Click

Ah, an analog camera.

Click

Shit, he takes so many pictures of my footprints so he can compare them.

Then you remember.

Shit! I didn't cover my tracks on the way from the Dark Forest to the picnic table.

If he was really as obsessed as you thought, he'd probably search all of Critter Valley. Just to make sense of your appearance, this guy is crazy.

Damn him... To think that one of the Smilling Critters is so obsessed with finding out everything about me!

In contrast to CatNap and DogDay, Bubba ended up in first place. First place in the sense of critters that you should definitely avoid, and in the event that something goes wrong, kill directly.

You would win the fight, it might weigh more, but as long as the fight doesn't take place in a small room, you would win. Lure it out into the meadow once, tighten your claws and you would only need a few seconds.

With that he disappeared. He walked along the grass, his head on the ground and his camera on the prints in the grass.

And with that you start to think, still with your claws on CatNap's house wall, hanging over several meters.

Bubba Bubbaphant, the brains of the group. He's not physically superior to me, nor mentally. He would never hurt anyone, not even kill them if in doubt.

[ "Bubba Bubbaphant is the brains of the critters. Bright and attentive, he keeps his friends steady and always steers them to make smart choices, that way they all might grow up to be bright and brilliant, each in their own right." ]

If he always suggests better choices to the others, it means he is almost always with them. This makes it harder, he's already on your back and is always with the other Smilling Critters.

Spying on the others while he is always with them will be difficult.

You decided this encounter for yourself. And you will do so again.

---

So you were back in the forest, leaning against a tree with your notebook in your hand.

Let me correct you, you weren't just leaning against a tree, you were climbing up. Fingers tensed, claws along the tree bark and one leg against the other. With every vertical step you took up the giant tree, you thought your claws were about to break off and you would fall to your certain death.

And now you were here. At the very top of the second largest tree in the Great Forest, which was also just before the Dark Forest. You were sitting on a branch, ten meters long and really stable. So stable that you had your rucksack right behind your bent feet.

It is already late, the sun is slowly falling and the whole valley is shrouded in darkness. From a distance you can see the whole landscape, mostly just meadows, hills and the huge forest that surrounds everything. However, in some places you can also see the houses of the Smilling Critters, but from a distance they are just small specks in your view along the Victory.

However, questions always arise in your mind.

Who am I really?

Why exactly am I being sent here?

Who are the people in the lab coats?

Why are so many resources being poured into this false world?

Was I once...a human being?

Did the Smilling Critters used to be people? Or maybe even children?

You didn't even notice it, the page where you wanted to document the whole day, you drew on it. A rat with a long tail filled with metal pieces. The tail was lying motionless on the ground behind the figure and was actually just being dragged along. The rat is not particularly large, not particularly wide and doesn't look particularly good, brown fur that looks as if it has been partially burnt off and no grin on its face like the Smilling Critters. An outsider.

That was you. Nothing more and nothing less.

But you can't think about that now, one day you'll really find out who you are, until then you do your job and write the documentation.

Today is the first day of my observation.

That's where you start writing.

As agreed, I made an appearance at the Smilling Critters, today was the picnic like every Thursday. DogDay and CatNap most probably have a relationship-

No.

What was that pinch in your brain?

Shouldn't you put it in your report?

It's not really any of the people out there's business, is it?

You cross it out and carry on writing.

All the Smilling Critters were there, none of them behaved in any way conspicuously or suspiciously. I'm sticking to my assignment, starting tomorrow I'll be watching DogDay and Bubba in particular and will include my findings in the report.

So you stop writing, your writing was big and spidery, filling the whole page. Why should you actually write on a sheet of paper? Why not write in some digital device, send the data directly and then you wouldn't have to go into the dark forest every day to hand in your report.

What did stalkers do before the internet?

Would you really spend every single day hiding in the shadows just to track, watch and, if in doubt, kill the Smilling Critters?

That was your life now, come to terms with it.

You are about to tear the page out of the notebook, but then you have a better idea.

You tighten the fingers of your right hand and with a quick clean cut along the book you have the page in your hand. Your claws are incredibly sharp and confirm your suspicions, which you have been thinking about all along.

I can easily get through the skin of other Smilling Critters with my claws.

At the same time, it's also a problem. Your claws are visible. They are your greatest strength and at the same time your greatest weakness.

You drop the cut-out side from the tree and watch it glide slowly through the air before it hits the ground. You climb back down from the tree, leave the rucksack on the stable branch and don't look up again. The tree was about 15 meters high and you only need one minute, claw in, step down, claw out, aim low, claw in and repeat.

You look around, the already darkened valley is somehow...Beautiful. Aside from the fact that this world was created for Eight creatures who have no idea about the real world, this world is beautiful. No wonder they don't worry about the Smilling Critter escaping, who would voluntarily leave a world like this?

Then you see something, it lies just before the forest goes completely dark. Just before you bring your report into the dark forest you look at it, it is lying on the ground, an object, not as big as a child's arm.

Gloves.

You step closer and bend down towards her.

Mid-forearm-length gloves in a warm, golden yellow tone.

They looked like an autumn leaf that had fallen and was not moved by the wind. Or ripe grain that would make a damn good loaf of bread...

You were hungry

What do rats eat?

No . What am I thinking? I am a human being...

Right?

You can worry about that later, but first you have to do your duty.

The gloves fit you perfectly, as if they were made for you. The fabric is soft and the length extends to your wrist. The most important thing: you can't see it when you use your claws, they were the ideal protection.

You take steps into the now dark surroundings. You can't see anything, at least until you pick up the small flashlight from the ground and clear the path in front of you.

Why was the flashlight here at the beginning of the Dark Forest and not in your rucksack?

Quite simply, you had left them right here. Even if one of the critters found your backpack, they wouldn't make it through the Dark Forest. How bad would that be? To know that someone around you is giving their life to watch you and you can't do anything about it? You can't leave this fake world, and you don't have protection from the person...the rat, either.

So you were there, still in thought, but you had arrived in the physical world. The door was there, closed and barely recognizable even in the light. You take a step closer, place the notebook page on the floor in front of it and turn around. But then-

Clack

You turned around faster than ever before.

But there was nothing, apart from the fact that your report was gone. It had been replaced by something else... a tin of food. It was just there, placed on the floor in the dark. You walk closer and look at it. A small tin with nothing on it, no label, no picture, just nothing. A silver tin.

You pick it up. The can is light and not really big, but it fills your hand when you stand upright.

Hand surface? Or rather paw surface?

No, you are a human being!

You are...

No matter.

You grip the flashlight a little harder and walk back through the dark forest. The way back is longer and more boring in a way. You hardly think, although there is an objection to that. Who were you? What exactly were you? Did you have a family? Were you alone?

Did you work for the people in the lab coats?

There you were again, the tall tree with the claw marks on the tree bark. You waste no time, drop your flashlight and start climbing up the tree. You open your mouth and bite into the edge of the silver can, so it wouldn't fall off, while you need both hands to climb up.

So you sat again, with the can in your hand and your legs on the bag as a couch. The can had a small tab, but you had claws, so it wasn't a problem. Inside the can was...meat? As far as you could tell, it was some kind of meat-like pieces in a brown sauce. Did you have a spoon? No. Did you have a fork? No.

You lift the can to your lower lip and then drink slowly. The first sip is strange, it's neither cold nor warm, but at the same time it doesn't have a strong taste. It tastes like a sauce thickener or some kind of cream and the meat? It's a complete disappointment, it tastes like nothing. But it's no wonder, as if you were worth real meat. You're a rat.

You're about to start drinking/eating again. But then...

It starts to rain.

The view is perfect. The whole valley beneath your feet, you were far above everything else. The drops of water were full and dark blue, they fell incredibly fast and colored everything they touched dark.

Then you notice it.

The rain didn't hit you.

It's not that the tree really protects you...

The rain is everywhere except right above you.

The Sound of the Rain changed.

Is that the sign that the report was good?

Yes, one look down into the valley and you knew you were right. Everything was drenched in rain, the Smilling Critters will be careful from now on and won't do anything stupid that could put them in difficult situations. And they only have you to thank for that.

So you want to uncover this conspiracy?

Then "Catch The Rainbow".

[axl-ul]

Flickering Lights Always Watch Those Who Are About to Drown

(A short story as a small thank you and a celebration for 100 followers which happened some while ago. I know, I'm late, hehe. Again, thanks a lot!)

Ulfrika slowly made her way through the narrow street filled with litter and flickering street lamps. The old newspapers, used napkins, even reeking clothes not only constantly posed themselves in the doctor’s way, they also gave the street its distinct smell. Sour, humid, dirty. One that makes a person bend forward and throw up between the two blue garbage cans with suspicious rustling coming from inside.

Despite her narrow nose being quite proficient, she did not mind the circumstances. In fact, she came to tolerate, no, she came to respect the gloomy atmosphere of the path to her flat once her work shift at the hospital ended. Certainly, she could easily take the tram and be at home much faster. But walking was something that offered more freedom for her thoughts to rise from under the hardened crust of her mind.

The first quarter of the moon watched the concrete sentinels as the strict mask of the daytime city began to unravel in the pure chaos. Silver threads of the light equally shone on Ulfrika’s lanky shoulders and thick brown hair she let slither by the sides of her sunken cheeks. A pleasant tickling for sure. So much different from the cold freezers she worked with but still not as quite right as the fur of her loyal companion. A deep sigh. Oh, how much she missed her dearest friends!

The dry skin of her fingers easily matched the colour of the distant celestial body. Those fingers, so long and unnaturally thin, hold the cigarette firmly as if she were still wielding a scalpel instead.

She took another puff and snorted. A bad habit for a person, even worse for a doctor and yet she couldn’t bring herself to care less. After all, her only patients were corpses waiting for a trustworthy autopsy.

She thought further as she finally walked out of the uncertain shadows and quickly crossed the road before another moron didn’t stick with the speed limit.

Her lips moved in silence, all the words she thought were only painted in her deep eyes,“I suppose those cadavers have to be just as patient as I am every month so I can see my paycheck…“

Somebody honked the horn behind her back. Yet, she did not turn. Her legs were as if on an autopilot, always driving forward, never back. Shiny shop windows cast white and yellow, rarely orange, light on the pavement where her feet briskly but inaudibly trod. The further she went, new colours, signs, bars, shops, kiosks and other wonders emerged from the dull background. More and more people, demons and spirits were passing by her. The mass of strangers drowning in ecstasy of a late evening moved like a wild river.

It was all so strange, familiar, distant and close, too fast and still so slow for her to ignore. What was that ‘it’, though? She herself didn’t know the answer. The feeling, the smells mixing in the air of the colourful street, the goosebumps on her skin while the warmth underneath the long jacket with a hood persisted… Or was it the noise ringing, drumming on her eardrums, the smoke pleasantly burning her lungs, one of the few things that had made her feel something, anything, these last few months. Or was it years? Again, the doctor was unsure. Ulfrika stopped counting a long time ago.

Even though the majority of people around were heavily intoxicated, laughing and chatting or vomiting by the corner, a small crew standing by the staircase of a pub let their gaze linger on the half-breed for too long. A woman no more than twenty five narrowed her eyes and focused on Ulfrika’s distant face. Immediately, those eyes widened in horror as the woman turned to her friends. When her trembling index poked back to the spot, the pale doctor was no longer there.

Ulfrika quickened her pace and threw the dark hood over her head so the shadows could consume her once more. The gesture wasn’t done by her out of fear. Thick eyebrows furrowed, although beneath them her abysmal eyes, so deep and dark and eternal, kept their emptiness as if the outer world could not possibly penetrate the stone visage.

The day’s been hard. Too many traffic accidents have occurred lately. The memory of a proper lunch was too hazy. Her back was arched the whole time and her hands in a constant cautious motion. Not to mention all the paperwork. What was worse, the smouldering end of her cigarette is now slowly dying. Unnecessary trouble was the last thing she needed at that moment, though they were not more than flies buzzing around her ear.

At last, she saw a corner with a convenience store. The sign in the shape of a smiling cartoon dog, a colourful portrait of the owner’s pet friend, flickered then came back. Snacks and drinks were gazing into the quiet part of the quarter and also right into Ulfrika’s growling stomach.

She turned to the left around the corner and continued. The low dike with a pavement created a border between the sleepy street and a slowly flowing river. Its river bed was small, not much of a threat to the citizens. Only to the crickets on the opposite shore which were hiding in the thick bushes and whose chirps were on par with the river’s humming. The waves licked the protruding stones and rocks, the water teeth bit into the floating logs and twigs.

The strange cradle created by the nearby nature as well as the city rocked Ulfrika’s sleepy mind. The doctor was adamant to reach her home, her bed with a simple pillow where her pets would snuggle close to her side. Brisk steps went quicker and quicker. Her inhales were deep and exhales powerful. Small clouds of breathed out autumn air surrounded her nose.

Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks. Her ears pricked up.

A whimper. A weak, silent whimper carried by the soft breeze. It sounded sorrowful, frightened. But where was the source of it?

Ulfrika followed the sound. In a matter of a few minutes she noticed a small paper box from shoes stuck in the shallow waters as she leaned over the old handrail, its metal surface matching the coldness of her own skin upon the touch. She put down her hood and listened further. Truly, the drenched box was making those noises. Or whatever that was inside.

She had a guess, though.

She hung her warm jacket over the metal tube with a flaked colour and jumped over the barrier. Carefully sliding down the hill, Ulfrika landed right beside the rock formation. The cardboard box was now floating in the cold water only a short distance away. A distance she could easily overcome by four long steps.

The street lamp’s light didn’t quite reach her but the moon was bright, the sky cloudless and her sight eerily sharp. Ulfrika carefully entered the cold stream. Her steps were slow as she didn’t wish to experience a hard fall on the slippery surface. Only when she was waist deep in the freezing stream did she manage to reach her goal. Picking up the item, she smelt it while returning to the shore. Wet fur.

Long nails found no obstacle in the duct tape around. She ripped open the upper part and curiously peeked inside.

In the corner, a tiny shivering and yowling puppy was looking back at her. Its fearful dark eyes were gazing up from under the large floppy ears. The muzzle was covered in deep scars, the upper lip carried a deep cut which revealed a set of teeth and swollen gums. There were several places on the pup’s neck where its caramel brown fur was missing. The black back was no different with the bald spots and the lifted paw marked a rough fate as well.

“Poor baby…“ Ulfrika sighed as her brows furrowed all the while a web of wrinkles emerged on her pale forehead.

The little puppy whined once again, demanding safety far away from the cold flowing abyss where it had been thrown.

“Let’s get you out of here, alright?“ She slowly returned to the shore and climbed up. Finally, after reaching a safe spot under the white light of the street lamp, she carefully took out the puppy. At first, the defenceless creature snapped its miniature jaw in hopes of biting the doctor. Ulfrika didn’t mind though. The only thing she dropped was the old cardboard. Her deep soothing voice reached out,“Hush, little one. You’re safe now. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you. But you just need to trust me a bit. I understand it’s a tough decision. But you have to try. Can you do that?“

The dog in her hand went silent and tilted the head as if it really understood the gentle words, although there was always the mark of undying untrust in the creature’s look.

The doctor wrapped the puppy in her jacket and approached the nearby convenience store while the wind rose up and harshly hit her from behind. Dark hair floated as the whipping tongues of the autumn glided by her. Her head resembled a wretched beast from the darkest abyss.

Clink! The cracked door opened, though the hinges creaked and squeaked. The wind fought its way inside, too. The force of it made the several hanging posters swing, but fortunately it wasn’t strong enough and everything stayed at its place once the doctor slammed the door behind.

Many of the items in the six thickly supplied rows shook from the impact. The glass bottles and cans clinked against the hardwood. A few plastic toys even fell to the ground, though they didn’t break. 

The sound and the sudden chill made the tiny sleeping man with thick glasses jump in his high seat behind the counter. Soon, his eyes brightened up. “Doc! Thought you ain’t coming tonight. The usual stuff? Or you finally quit the cigs?“

“I wish you a good evening, as well, friend,“ the woman bowed her head while a faint hint of a smile crossed her face. “No, I still haven’t lost interest. Yet, tonight I’m going to need some dog treats. Preferably, something really tasty. Do you happen to have some, please?“

He laughed,“Don’t tell me you’re going to spoil your dog…“

“A wolf.“

“...a wolf sooner this month. Did she learn how to speak?“

“Not yet, Mr Moore. I need them for this little silly.“ She carefully showed the old man the found puppy in her arms. The cub was beginning to doze off, however, the lamp with its orange light woke up the little one.

“What an adorable find! Even cuter than our Jimmy! Too bad the scars are so deep. Whoever was the owner had to be one terrible son of a bitch, let me tell you that.“ The man’s round cheeks puffed like pillows while he admired the creature. His sausage-like fingers went to pet the little head but he quickly retracted as the dog barked. Of course, the tremble from cold, poor treatment as well as the young age didn’t make the puppy the most dangerous looking. Mr Moore, a simple man with hair as white as snow and a warm heart, encouraged the puppy’s confidence and played along. “What a fierce guy! Once he grows up, he’ll make a terrific companion!“

“Mr Moore, please, could you find those treats? Tiru and Krabat are waiting at home for me.“ Her deep voice bounced against the cracked walls. No harshness or impatience was there. Only concern and fatigue.

“Oh, sure thing, doc!“ His short legs began to move and within a few seconds he vanished behind a thick purple curtain in the back of the room. Unlike his physical presence, his chatty personality didn’t go away. “Tiru and Krabat… Doc, I always wanted to ask ya this. How in the hell did you name those pets?! The strangest names I’ve ever heard, ain’t gonna lie to you,“ he screamed.

“Old tradition, sir. Nothing more.“

“You sure? Just like keeping a wolf and a raven? I’d expect a hamster or a turtle. Though, these guys suit your style more, I guess.“

“Excuse me, Mr Moore?“

“Oh, don’t mind me!“ The old man heartily laughed. “So, are ya keeping the little guy?“

“I’m not so sure. Would you be interested in the adoption, sir? Jimmy could use some friend now.“ Ulfrika tapped her chin. Something was missing in that eerily quiet environment. Then,it hit her. “May I ask? Where’s Jimmy?“ She looked around in hopes to find a joyful drooling head of a bulldog.

“The poor bastard’s with my wife upstairs. She hasn’t been feeling well so he sticks around. What can I add? This bloody weather ain’t good for anyone.“

“Sure. As you say.“ Ulfrika once again politely bowed, the thin but numerous strands of hair slipped to her almost black eyes.

A box of dog treats landed on the green counter. “Here you go, youngster. It’ll be…“ Mr Moore widened his eyes when thirty dollars landed beside the box.

“Please, keep the change, Mr Moore. If I may ask, please, say hello to Mrs Moore and Jimmy. I wish you a nice evening.“

“Miss Výtaušeimová! This is too much! I can’t let you go off easily!“

The gaunt doctor stopped in front of the door - a puppy in one hand, a colourful box under the other armpit. “I said keep the change, sir.“

“I…thank you, doc.“

“No. I thank you, Mr Moore. Good night.“

Checking the late night hour at the old-fashioned wall clock, she was prepared to open the door with her elbow when the shop owner called behind her for the last time. “By the way, there was a strange guy today. He didn’t buy anything. Just went straight to me and asked about you.“

“Name?“

“Said no actual name. Just that he’s your neighbour and didn’t manage to catch up to you in the morning.“

“What did he look like?“

“Sorry, doc,“ Mr Moore shrugged and pouted,“he was wearing a hoodie and kept his face down. I couldn’t see an inch of his face. But he sounded young. The youngster could be no more than eighteen or twenty. But that’s just a guess.“

“Anything else?“

“Just that he’ll try to wait for you here tomorrow in case he misses you again.“

Ulfrika paused in thought. Soon, she bowed her head and a low grunt escaped from her throat once the rabid wind hit her face.

The puppy was whining the whole way and Ulfrika did her best to soothe him. It’s been a long while since she was taking care of someone.

As if it weren’t enough, a downpour visited the dirty city for the fourth time that week. Water from deep puddles splashed around whenever a car or a bike passed by. By the end of their common way, Ulfrika’s jeans were soaking wet. Strangely, she didn’t utter a word nor did she make a sound. The only time an eerie mix of hiss and growl spread around was when her keys stuck in the damaged door. Under her shallow breath, she spat curses on the caretaker.

When she finally barged in, she gave the miniature unkempt entrance room a meaningful look. There, in the dark corner, hiding by the large leaves of a dried palm, was a lanky man in his forties sleeping tightly on a chair. Another wooden chair was just by his right with an ashtray and a dying out cigarette stuck in one of its grooves. An empty bottle was rolling beneath it.

Upon such a disappointing view, Ulfrika puffed out her chest and ran her hand through the ruffled hair.

“I wish you a pleasant evening, sir,“ she uttered in a low voice as she made her way to the rusted lift cage of an elevator. Though she didn’t scream, it was still enough to yank the caretaker from his slumber.

“Miss Výtaušeimová, you didn’t pay your rent again.“

“Are you sure, sir?“ The only feature which changed on her poker face was a raised left eyebrow. Still, she didn’t offer him a single look and kept on waiting for the lift while showing the man her lean back.

“Yeah, I’m.“

“Then check your records because I paid in advance. Again.“ Only then she turned around in the rhythm of the thrumming machine. The slow motion of her body as well as her deep ice-cold voice made the man lose his frown and calmly walk to the nearby stall. He took out the book from the small safe and checked. After a small hesitation, he looked back with uncertainty painted in his suddenly pale face. “Sure, Miss. Everything’s alright. By the way, I wanted to tell you that a young boy-“ He furrowed his thin black eyebrows until deep cracks appeared on his wide forehead. “Is that a dog?“

Ulfrika answered only when she got into the lift and pushed the right button,“Yes.“

“I allowed you only those two dirty beasts.“

“So? You invite various other filthy man-eaters from the street nearly every night and nobody bats an eye. Is it a case of a social cohesion you feel towards your fellow specimen, perhaps?“

The door on the lift started to close. The sound of the tiny wheels moving in the rusty rails echoed throughout the dusty space. It was loud, yet the caretaker’s last words were more powerful. “Watch your mouth, doctor. There’s a lot of people in the streets who’d gladly take your spot here. Be careful what you say to me, you impudent bitch!“

“I’m not impudent. Only observing a certain natural behaviour of local species. Good night, sir. Hopefully the fleas won’t bite you so you can get some better sleep and stop being this rabid for no reason.“

As the rusty door closed and the lift started to move upwards, the reddened face of the man vanished among the quick images of changing levels.

A loud bang marked the endpoint of the long way to the highest level. The lightbulb inside the cabin as well as the one in the long corridor flickered once the doctor stepped out. Yet both decided to keep shining in the gloomy hallway. Although, the light from the street could be otherwise enough, thickly painted glass of a big window at the end of the corridor didn’t allow better lighting. The atmosphere mirrored on the dried palm which now more resembled a scarecrow than a healthy plant. The three doors were no different. Their peeled brown colour and varnish exposed the naked wood and the cracks in the form of a web in it.

Ulfrika nonchalantly walked by the first door with a mop leaned against it. The item gave away to her that the caretaker still didn’t change the location of the second storeroom in the building and that the reeking smell was still residing in the locked room.

The second door, an abandoned flat, was directly facing hers. She was prepared to prop against the entrance when a sudden noise made her look behind and pause in thought while the poor puppy woke up from its light slumber and whimpered.

The noise of something falling was coming from inside the abandoned apartment.

“Come on!“ Ulfrika grunted and quickly turned on her heel. She pushed the entrance door and as fast as she could she jumped into the safety of her flat. The dust whirled behind her but she no longer cared.

Behind the locked door and in a joyful howling of a large wolf with thick grey fur and yellow blazing eyes she let out a relieved sigh.

Her eyes suddenly brightened up, a perfect contrast to the dark abyss which she showed to the outer world.

“Tiru! Hello, my dearest friend! How was your day?“

A loud howl and a waggling tail provided an answer.

“Yes, I understand. Don’t worry. The dinner will be soon. Where’s Krabat, though?“

Another bark.

“Oh, I see. I shouldn’t worry you that much next time. Hopefully, he’s going to return soon. By the way, here’s our new little friend, Tiru. Please, take care of…“ She wanted to say the name of the puppy when a realisation struck her once again.

She carefully raised the trembling puppy over her head and checked the crotch.

“Little one, you came here by a river, nearly drowning in it. I’m sure you have fleas. But I also bet you might be an excellent hunter. You seem to display a great will and maybe…“

As she let the puppy down and saw how quickly he turned back to lick her foot, Ulfrika finished her sentence,“...loyalty.“ The doctor lightly tapped on her chin. Soon, the hybrid widely smiled as she proudly announced,“Argos. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?“

The harehound happily barked and let himself be licked by gentle gentle Tiru. Ulfrika used this sudden distraction. Neatly putting her clothes in its place in a simple wardrobe, she ventured into a tiny kitchen where the before-hand prepared dough was awaiting her.

While she was preparing the pork stuffing, a sharp pale beak knocked on the kitchen window. The doctor didn’t need to turn around to know who was waiting behind. Stretching out her long arm she let the raven inside. The black feathers whizzed and the bird obediently landed on the hybrid’s shoulder.

A little peck here and there caused Ulfrika to look at him. She was ready to scold him for coming home so late but once she saw a banknote in Krabat’s beak, she let out a bark. Her laughter startled out only the small puppy who in the meanwhile made himself most comfortable under the wolf’s chin.

“Who did you steal from this time?“

No matter how much she asked him, the raven refused to let out any sign. He let go of the piece of paper and let himself be petted.

The dish was finally in the oven, roasting until it was deliciously crunchy. The smell of dough and spiced meat with onion filled the whole apartment. To use the free time, Ulfrika with a curious Krabat went over to Argos. Before taking the final step, the eager and overly curious raven flew down from her shoulder and started observing every detail of the puppy. Every scar, every bald spot in his dark caramel fur, his cropped ear. The view made Krabat let out a loud caw. Argos drew himself nearer to Tiru and whimpered.

“Krabat, be careful around our little boy. I doubt he’s seen much of the outside world. Is that right, little pup?“ She gently smiled and petted the puppy. “Tiru, please, watch over him for a while. Krabat, you take care of the oven. I’ll go and prepare the sink. Little Argos needs a bath.“

Once she said the last word, the puppy squeaked and desperately barked. Though, after the reassuring nudge of the she-wolf and a tender look from his new, much caring owner, he stopped. “Don’t worry, sweetie. This time, there won’t be any freezing water or anything else that would hurt you. Ever. I promise, alright?“

Ulfrika quickly made her way to the light bathroom and began preparing all the things she needed. A shampoo, a wide sink full of warm water, an old brush she no longer used. Everything was prepared and laying still under the gaze of two lightbulbs installed in the corners of the bathroom. Only a towel was missing. Ulfrika sighed when she realised it. Another walk through her flat was the last thing on her mind. The strength was slowly leaving her and the tiredness was taking over the lanky body. But remembering the innocent creature, she sighed and walked over to an antique looking wardrobe in the entrance room. Despite her light body weight, the wooden floor squeaked.

Her eye ominously looked up from under silky hair. The single light bulb which was there. The flashing immediately stopped. The space was once again flooded by a white light.

Ulfrika carefully slid out a yellow towel from a neatly stored pile. She turned around on her heel and wanted to venture to the kitchen where Argos finally began to happily bark and play with his new friends.

But she didn’t go there.

The bell on the front door rang.

Before she walked over and gazed through the peephole, she puffed, completely annoyed. Yet, she didn’t have any choice. The sounds from inside as well as the light sneaking under the door gave away instantly that somebody was at last home.

It wouldn’t be Ulfrika, however, if she didn’t rush her companions into the closet in her bedroom and told them to be as quiet as possible. Only then she sneaked back to the front door and looked through the old peephole.

A person with a dark green hood over their head was waiting there and impatiently pressing the bell. Their face could be barely recognisable under the layer of clothing. Not to mention they were arching over.

Warily placing her hand on the cold handle and preparing her sharp claws and fangs as sharp as a needle, she finally answered the constant ringing.

The person jumped up in surprise when a gust rose and a blunt force threw them against the wall behind. They didn’t even manage to let out a scream. Ulfrika’s cold and unnervingly calm eyes shut them up for good.

She placed her nails close to the person’s hairy neck and whispered, never letting her eyes off of them. “Who are you? Why do you keep asking for me? What do you-?“

Her grip on the hoodie’s collar loosened and she let out the boy’s feet fully touch the floor. “You?!“

A pair of daring brown eyes, lighter than her own and of a strange shape, looked back from under the hood. The boy of no more than eighteen with a freckled face and fangs smiled back. “Sup, auntie!“

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Taglist (let me know if you'd like to be added): @vanessaroades-author @rubywrite @aohendo @rbbess110 @jgmartin @outpost51 @athenswrites

[intubatedangel]

Code Red : Chapter 7

Getting close to the end now, only one or two more chapters to go depending on how the writing process goes. I hope everyone enjoys this one.

Story Index  

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

* * *

Anna was still there, in that sightless, soundless void. She knew she'd been shocked twice, the all-encompassing flashes were impossible to ignore. But that was it. There hadn't been a flash in a while.

I'm asystolic. There's nothing to shock. My heart isn't even twitching.

She didn't know exactly how long it had been since then, she barely even had a sense of time. She knew it was passing though. She could still feel the persistent chest caving compressions. Knowing the team that was giving them to her, Anna was certain they were being delivered 100 times a minute. It didn't help her figure out the passage of time though. Every time she tried to count them the number slipped through her grasp.

Am I starting to fade away?

The thought scared her. Which was an odd feeling without it being joined by her heart speeding up in response. Before she let it grip her completely she felt something new. Her mouth was pulled open, a cold metallic object sliding into her throat.

Laryngoscope. I'm being intubated.

Less than a week ago the idea would have thrilled her. She had been desperate for it. She was desperate for it now, for entirely different reasons. As much as she'd always felt the burning desire to be laid out on a trauma bed with so many people fighting to resuscitate her, she didn't want to die.

Except that's what's happening. I'm dying.

No. Clinically I'm already dead. My mind just hasn't caught up yet.

She felt the tube push into her trachea, quickly followed by a lung swelling breath. It had an immediate effect. Coupled with the blood that must be flowing into her body, she felt... It was hard to put into words. How do you describe feeling like you're fading back in? Becoming more present perhaps? Ultimately it may not matter. With the boost in clarity, Anna understood that if they didn't get her heart beating soon the fading would return. Would progress. Until there was nothing left.

A poke in her neck, and a second in her wrist, drew her away from thoughts of her own demise. More lines. Her meagre senses gave her flushes of hot and cold pulsing throughout her body, drugs and fluids coursing through her system. Throughout it all, she felt the constant squeezing of her chest as someone beat upon her sternum.

Is it Carl? She wondered.

She knew it wasn't him the moment she felt a hand brush her hair. Tenderly. Lovingly. The soft kiss on her forehead confirmed it. And it terrified her. If he was openly kissing her while she laid there in full cardiac arrest...

Are they calling it? Am I dead?

Her panic doubled when she felt the splash of a tear on her face. It trebled when the rhythmic crushing sensation stopped.

No! No! I'm sorry Carl! I'm sorry I couldn't hold on long enough!

I'm so sorry my love.

An intensely sharp sensation smashed through her panic. It cut across her belly, from centre to side. The panic faded into hope. There must be a surgeon there, and they were not waiting around. As hands plunged inside her she felt it all. It wasn't painful, pain still didn't register to her. If it had done, she expected it would have been excruciating. Instead, it just felt a strange mix of weird, wrong. And fascinating.

Not the time!

The surgeon dug around inside her for a short while, then stopped. Even with Anna's ineffective sense of time, she could tell it wasn't long enough to fix her mutilated insides. But they weren't giving up. The compressions had restarted while she was distracted, and they were still going.

A new sensation appeared on her chest, next to the savage thrusts. It was wet and slimy, spreading across her ribs and rolling over her breast. The crushing sensations stopped.

Another scalpel began to cut into her.

* * *

Carl hadn't wanted to consider it. The desperation it embodied. The sheer traumatic brutality of what he was thinking to do. And yet. Anna was losing blood as fast as they could pump it into her. Even with four lines from a rapid infuser. It was quite literally a do or die moment. He either did it, or the love of his life certainly died. It was extreme. A last-ditch hail-mary. It was the only thing left to try. As soon as it became clear to him that this was the only option, he knew there was not a person on earth that could stop him from trying it.

"Trish." He said, his voice carrying across the trauma room easily, despite the whining monitor, the slurping suction and the clinking of the trauma bed as Lucy compressed Anna's chest. "Prepare for a left side thoracotomy. I'm going to cross clamp the descending aorta. It should limit the bleeding and give preferential perfusion to her heart and brain."

He didn't wait for an acknowledgement, he simply spun on his heels and went to the cupboards at the side of the room, pulling out the sterile sealed thoracotomy tray, dumping it on a trolley before taking out a gelatinous block. He tore off his gloves, barely noticing the open fingertips where his nails had sliced through the latex from clenching his hands so hard. He ripped the plastic wrapping from a gelatinous puck, mashing the antiseptic substance between his hands, forcing it into every crevice and joint, spreading it up his arms to the elbow. A messy but acceptable replacement for properly scrubbing in, when time was of the utmost essence. And right then, it was. Anna had been in cardiac arrest for 16 minutes. At this point, single seconds mattered.

He double layered his gloves, put on a mask and plastic glasses, then made his way back to the bed. Anna's arm had been pulled out to a right angle, dangling limply from the side of the bed. Trish had cast away the shiny orange defib pad and coated the left side of Anna's chest with iodine, spreading it from her collar bone, all the way down across her breast and ribs, down to the previously sterilised area from the abdominal incision. She pulled apart the packaging of the tray then stood out of the way.

Carl didn't say anything. Neither did anyone else. His body language, even with his face hidden by the PPE, was all too clear. He picked up the scalpel, using his other hand to landmark each rib as he counted up the ribs to the fourth intercostal space. He didn't need to take a deep breath for this. His decision was made, his determination stronger than diamond. Lucy stopped her compressions and Carl lowered the blade.

The scalpel cut through her skin and flesh easily in a long line from her sternum to her side. He followed it with a couple more careful and deeper cuts, then dropped the scalpel back on the tray, picking up the surgical scissors. His fingers pushed into the pleural cavity with a tactile pop, pushing her lung gently out of the way as he inserted the scissors, cutting through flesh and muscle to create the opening.

A few moments later the scissors joined the scalpel and Carl took up the rib spreaders. As he cranked the handle he heard the slight pooping as the cartilage connecting Anna's ribs to her sternum, already weakened by the extended bout of savage compressions, gave way.

He wrenched the spreader further and further, creating a gaping hole that allowed him to ease her left lung out of the way, revealing it. His target. The most important thing to him. Not just in this moment, but for the past few weeks, physically and emotionally.

Anna's heart.

* * *

It lay there, unmoving. He'd listened to its thumping beats often ever since they’d discovered their shared interest. Watched its electrical rhythm on a screen. That wonderful little organ had pumped away for 26 years, day in and day out.

Until 17 minutes ago.

With such a low blood volume the chambers of Anna's heart looked pale and sunken. Without more blood it couldn't beat on its own. That was Carl's first task.

He took a cross clamp from the tray in his left hand, while his right slid underneath her heart and gently lifted it. Other than a few traces from the incision, there was very little free blood in Anna's chest. It made the aorta easy to identify and he carefully worked the clamp around the thick blood vessel. The clamp pinched the aorta, but he didn't put too much pressure on it. While they needed to reduce the blood loss, completely blocking the artery would make it difficult for Edwards to actually find the bleeders. You can't see what’s bleeding without any blood flowing. Besides, it could be tightened if needed.

With the clamp in place, it was time. He needed to provide that blood flow, for the surgeons and for Anna's brain. With her heart still resting in his right palm, he brought his left hand over to envelope it. Anna's heart was literally in his hands. He squeezed his hands together, palms first, pushing inwards and upwards from the apex of her heart. Squeezing blood from the muscles chambers, into her circulatory system. With the clamp limiting the flow to Anna's abdomen most of the blood was pushed towards her arms, brain, lungs and  through the coronary arteries to her heart itself.

The rapid infuser was still pushing blood into her veins at an incredible rate. Between the new products and the artificially limited circulation, Carl could actively feel the chambers between his hands filling. The monitor chimed, drawing his gaze. He could compress Anna's heart by feel alone. The trace of the A-line that had previously shown only small bumps with the external compressions was now showing big powerful spikes. The numerical display also showed an improvement, with two numbers present now. It was only 70 over 20; but having a palpable blood pressure was infinitely better than the state Anna had been in just minutes before.

"That's it Anna." He said, looking towards her face. Her head was leaning to one side, dragged by the ambu bag and the tube it was connected too, the blue holder pulling at the corner of her mouth as it kept the tube secure. Sara was shining a light across Anna's eyes. She stifled a sob.

"F...fixed and dilated." She whined.

Carl shook his head, staring down at Anna's half lidded eyes, seeing the chestnut ring around the wide dark pools. "No. No, that's just the epi." He said. It was true that epinephrine caused the pupils to dilate. And she'd had several rounds already.

She'd also been in cardiac arrest for nearly 20 minutes.

"I need you to get your heart beating now baby." He didn't care that he was saying it aloud. Everyone knew of their relationship. Everyone had their own friendships with her. They were all invested, all desperate for her to live. "You hear me. Just beat your heart."

He wasn't religious. But he prayed to the universe that she would hear him. In the meantime, his hands continued their rolling motion, compressing her heart between his palms.

* * *

Edwards poked about inside Anna's belly as Carl went to work on her chest, but still couldn't find the source of the major bleeding. As Carl worked, with compressions stopped, Edwards watched the blood clear away thanks to the suction. She examined organs and blood vessels, trying to find the source, but with no blood pumping it was difficult. She found some damage to upper edge of the small intestine, but there wasn't enough to cause that much bleeding. She investigated deeper, pushing the intestines out of the way.

Carl got the clamp on and started the direct internal compressions. Blood began to spill out, but much more limited. Edwards directed the suction to the right spot, clearing it as she explored deeper. She was totally focused on her task, ignoring the events at the head of the bed. Finally she found the source of the bleeding.

"There's a big nick in the aorta!" She groaned. "It's going to be tough but I think I can repair it." She said, finally looking up at the others. The nurse at the head of the bed had tears in her eyes and Carl was frowning.

He looked at her. "Do it. Quickly." He commanded, squeezing Anna's heart with determination.

"Put a bit more pressure on the clamp." Edwards told Zach, Jessica's single suction tube could manage for a moment, and Carl was busy giving the compressions that were sending much needed blood to Anna's brain. The bleeding from the crucial blood vessel eased further, until it was little enough to allow her to work. "Good, now hand me 3-0 prolene." She kept a finger in the spot, feeling the small dribble of blood from the sliced vessel. The knife had cut through almost a third of the artery. The repair would have to be strong.

No one spoke as Edwards took a synthetic graft and began suturing it around the damaged section. She worked quickly, fingers steady and dextrous as they manipulated the hooked needle.

* * *

Carl kept up his compressions, squeezing Anna's heart between his hands. He could feel the chambers filling with blood, which his palms pushed out as they worked the muscle. It was encouraging. Without the active bleeding her pressure was coming back up. Blood was perfusing through the parts of her body that weren't clamped off. They were making progress, Anna's heart just needed to start beating.

"Push another epi into that central line." Carl ordered, Trish moving around to comply as Mark exchanged the blood bags again. Over a dozen empty bags now sat dumped on a counter. Carl had barely noticed when the sheepish blood tech came back with the second order.

"Ok, that should hold the aorta. Zach, ease that clamp off." Edwards called out. Carl watched as the trainee surgeon worked the clamp, glancing over at Edwards. She nodded along as if counting to herself, while her fingers carefully squeezed Anna's aorta just beneath the repair. "Yeah, we've got some perfusion and the repair is holding. I can see some other bleeding but no major haemorrhaging. We can keep the clamp at that and fix the rest later. I'm going to try and reconnect the renal artery now."

More good news.

It still didn't outweigh the fact that Anna's heart remained unmoving between his hands.

"Come on baby. You've got everything you need. It's time to come back to me." He whispered, staring down at her face, so slack and lifeless, eyes still half open, her grey tinged lips hidden behind the tube holder. Was there a little more colour to them?

He continued squeezing her heart, willing it to beat with each pump of his hands. Then he felt it.

He didn't need the sudden change of the monitors alarm to tell him what was happening in his hands. The persistent whine had switched to the familiar two tone as Anna's heart quivered and trembled in his grasp.

"She's fibrillating! Get them internal paddles charged to 30 joules!" He shouted, continuing to compress the shivering organ.

It was Trish again who leapt into motion, quickly taking the internal paddles from a drawer and connecting them to the defibrillator. She turned the dial and initiated the charging sequence. As she did, Carl looked at the clock. 4:06. Anna had been down for 23 minutes. There was still hope.

"They're charged." Trish said, holding the paddle out beside Carl, trying not to look at her friend’s heart as it squirmed between Carl's crushing hands. He pressed on the ventricles twice more before dropping Anna's heart, quickly grabbing the paddles. He placed the spoon shaped ends on either side, pushing them together to give some extra compressions as he lined them up in the correct position and waited for the surgeons to clear. Then he pressed them in hard, pining the shuddering mass between them. He pushed the buttons.

* * *

Anna's heart jumped as the shock blasted directly through it. She seemed to pull inwards ever so slightly as other muscles were also triggered. Her heart stopped dead for the briefest of moments, then returned to the uncoordinated quivering.

"No change, go again at 30!" Carl ordered, using the paddles again to squeeze Anna's heart. It wasn't as effective as his hands, but it was better than nothing for the few seconds needed to charge the small shock. "This time Anna. Come on now."

"Charged." Trish called again.

The second shock caused the same reaction. Anna chest twitched slightly. Her jumped and stilled. Then it resumed squirming.

"Damn it." Carl hissed, pulling out the paddles and handing them back to Trish. "Another epi, push it up to 40 for the next shock in one minute!"

His hands dove back into Anna's chest resuming the internal compressions. On one hand they were gentler than external compressions. Her sternum wasn't being crushed in, shaking her whole body and forcing the whole trauma bed to clink in rhythm. On the other hand, they were far more brutal. He was practically crushing her heart between his palms each time he pushed blood up and out and through her body.

He kept it up for a minute, ensuring oxygen was delivered around Anna's system, then he grabbed the paddles again. He scooped her heart between them and delivered the shock.

 Anna twitched.

.

Her heart jumped.

 .

It fell still.

 .

It stayed still.

 .

The monitor began to whine once more.

 "Dr Teague!" An angry voice shouted from the doors to Trauma 3 as they burst open.