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#i dont want to torture him like that brain. dont even EXPOSE him to those things!
millin21 · 5 months
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Seeing freckles on Chilchucks younger self (encountering a minic for the first time) its so cute seeing younger Chilchuck with freckles. It makes him look so much younger.
... Kinda reminds me of Kohaku-
*remembers what happened to Kohaku.*
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secretsniper3 · 3 years
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Part 2: Wet..
I wake, rolling over my alarm says 08:00, my day starts now. Blinking and drinking in my surroundings im surprised that im not bound anymore, Master probably released me from my situation before he too went to sleep, makes sense since I still have my morning routine to do. Spreading my thighs my hand creeps under the sheets and massages my clit, moisture instantly wetting my fingers as i rub up and down, fingers dancing expertly over my throbbing clit, being denied for so long my reaction is second nature now as my back arches up off my bed as my hand continues its assault on my senses. 1 edge moments later my mind abuzz with desire. Another edge, 3 to go and my morning can really begin. On and on my fingers go, dancing circles around my needy clit. Stopping just shy of another orgasm, 3 edges down. Pushing a finger and then another into my wet pussy I rub the walls and pull out seconds later. 4 edges down, returning my fingers to my box as my other hand clutches my breast, back still arched high, I slams down to the bed and thrusts my hands to my pillow. 5 edges done.
Climbing out of bed I go and brush my hair and then my teeth. A outfit is already laid out by my Master. A latex sleeveless shirt and matching pants, black high heels and a corset. My day will clearly be a tough one for me. Looking around I cannot find anything even resembling underwear. Knowing my punishment would be beyond measure if I were to dress my pussy myself I don my latex outfit for the day. Shirt, then the pants, sliding easily up my smooth legs as my juices made for handy lubricant. Pressing the latex on my pussy I pause. A simple deep breath removes my hand from what I know is forbidden to me now my morning edges are complete. Sitting on the bedside I clip my heels on so it doesnt fall off and put on my corset, only being able to loosly cinche it without help.
With great care, I walk out my bedroom door, slow paces in my high heels, my pussy rubbing against the latex with every step sending chills down my spine making my mind drift to my little buzzer throbbing away relentlessly. down the stairs, Master was waiting for me. Standing before him I assume my position on my knees, legs open palms up, head down.
“Good morning Master” I say keeping my head low.
“Morning my dear, sleep well i hope, i have a few fun things for you to enjoy today” my Master sounds eager.. its a little unsettling.
Standing up at his command I follow him to the dining room. Breakfast is already served. Im stunned, something is going on and Im concerned by what this means, my Master has almost never made breakfast for me. Heading to my seat I spot it. A large dildo, right where my pulsing pussy would lay, with my Masters guiding hand I ease down onto the large toy. The latex over my pussy parting at the intrusion! how could I not notice that gap when I put it on?? sliding down the thick cock my pussy serving to lubricate it all the way to the base. With a wet shlop Im completely full and I havnt even touched my bacon and eggs! perhaps a drink to calm my nerves, as I take a large gulp I feel warm.. a little too warm. Looking to my Master, he confirms my suspicions by raising his own glass. My pussy now spasming around the dildo as the aphrodisiac runs its course as I lean forward and stifle a moan.
My Master laughs at my situation. “Eat up my dear, your going to need your strength.” he says sending a flurry of chills down my spine leading right to my throbbing womanhood! gasping for air I raise a shaking hand to my fork and eat my food, likely spiked as well.. yes, its spiked. With each piece I swallow I feel the heat burn hotter, like a raging inferno my body craving the 1 thing my mind knows it must never have without consent! finishing my drugged meal my Master takes me by the hand and raises me up. Stopping several times to prevent a unauthorised orgasm. Leading me to the play room I see a device I have never seen before but it scares the hell out of me.
Standing, or lying in the middle of the room is a series of Stock restraints circling a large padded seat, leading me over to it, my Master lays me down flat. locking my wrists in their own personal Stock holders, followed by my ankles. Breathing faster at this development and my need constantly rising im hoisted in the air by the cushion im laying on, my restraints following suit. Standing beside me my Master reveals more holes in my latex, a hole per nipple with which he inserts a suction cup with a wire and covering it with the latex again, leaving just the wire exposed. moving down to my clit he reveals a suction cup, its thin and long and now, attached to my maddening, throbbing buzzer, he begins pumping. My eyes fly open in a combination of fear and arousal as my clit starts to get sucked into the tube, further and further its pulled from its hood till I feel it. Something hard is touching my clit, looking down Im greeted with a wire, pressing the tip of my isolated clit with the means to make me thrash around were I not restrained already. My drug ridden mind flooding with thoughts of my soon to be, hellish day that started too calmly as my Master slides a thick metal cock into my ass. I cant see it but I can bet theres a wire attached to it as well.
Moving to my head Master puts a dildo gag in my mouth and a latex hood over my head, my long red hair pulled through the back and the hood sealed tight. I cant see, I can barely hear and I can only weakly moan around this toy in my mouth, and as my thoughts go to the toy in my mouth, it expands, and again, and again! My mouth now completely full with cock my pleas and moans now a dull grunt, barely audible to those outside my hood. My pussy feels cold air, Master has moved the latex away from my drooling slit, heat radiating off my hungry hole, I breathe deep as Master presses his tongue against my slick folds. If I could scream, I would have. instead my legs tremble uncontrollably and my arms spasm, locked in my restraints thats all I really can do. Master licks again and again drawing more fluid from me. My breathing now very audible as air rushes in and out through my nose, Then I feel it. its coming, shit IM CUMMING! and then.. pure agony. My nipples cop it first, but only by microseconds, as they light up with electricity, followed by my ass and worst of all, my throbbing clit. My eyes shoot up into my skull as Im torn down from the plateau I was cresting mere moments ago! My pussy spasms in need as my Masters tongue only redoubles its assault knowing he has me, right where he wants me.
A full hour passes, and Masters Tongue leaves my pussy as another orgasm is slammed away by the electricity as this setup is designed to deny, not reward so I scream into my inflated cock gag. A few moments pass by idle as Im left to stew in my burning need, electricity occasionally zapping my nipples to make sure im denied release from my drug fuelled arousal. I hear Master say something outside my latex hood, I cant make out the words but he seems to know that I was only moments from cumming just now and thats led his to this pause to let me calm down, if that were possible with the drugs coursing through my veins and the intoxicating latex still coating my body and head Im swimming in a sea of arousal and Im not allowed to cum even a little even in my intense exhaustion im allowed only this peace of not being dragged kicking and screaming to more denial! A familiar sensation returns as Masters tongue reaffixes itself to my Labia and once again im lit of with electricity as another orgasm is beaten back, Round 2 begins.
2 Whole hours of torturous orgasm denial at Masters hands and tongue pass as im finally lowered to the ground, it only took a minute to unlock my limbs from the hellish devices that held me down, and another minute to free my ass, nipples and clit from their own hellish devices. A flick to the clit confirms Im still conscious. My Master picks me up and carries me to the nearby lounge, there he removes my hood and gag, and rests my head on his lap and runs his fingers through my sweat soaked hair. Stripping me of my latex suit, leaving only my heels on he continues my massage, as I regain my senses slowly.
“Master.. Thank you for training this slave to serve” I say weakly, as he cups my cheek with his tender hand, I roll over and fish out his throbbing cock and begin sucking, after all that pain and denial i need something I love, i need Masters cum in my mouth to savour the taste then swallow like the Good Slave I am. Eventually im rewarded with a mouthful as i drink every drop im given and swallow, it really is delicious to me now, I cant go back to a normal life, I belong to my Master.
Taking me to the loungeroom Master instructs me to edge for my lunch. A simple task but as he turns to leave he gives me the number. 30 edges.. My pussy pulses again and the flood gates reopen, I still havnt had that orgasm my body just remembered it was desperate for. oh god could I really do 30 in a row without stopping or spilling over? My Master seems to think so. Already days into my denial and with drugs wracking my brain I begin my edges. It only took a hour but I finally got them all. Another dose of drugged lunch and Im back to normal, if horny out of my mind is normal. The rest of my day is fairly standard compared to my morning training, part of me wants to do it again but not any time soon.
Pleasuring my Masters cock I polish his shoes after that in my favourite maid outfit, remembering to always bend at the waist, never the knees, my Master loves a good show. My daily chores complete Im taken to the shower and cleaned by my Master, taking great care not to rub over my pussy too hard. A lovely steak for dinner with some wine, I could hardly taste the drug in that wine, but my pussy sure felt it. My Master, eager to set me to bed attaches a chastity belt tightly to my pussy. I dont see the point as I would never touch without permission.. right?
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secretsniper2 · 3 years
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Part 2: Wet..
I wake, rolling over my alarm says 08:00, my day starts now. Blinking and drinking in my surroundings im surprised that im not bound anymore, Master probably released me from my situation before he too went to sleep, makes sense since I still have my morning routine to do. Spreading my thighs my hand creeps under the sheets and massages my clit, moisture instantly wetting my fingers as i rub up and down, fingers dancing expertly over my throbbing clit, being denied for so long my reaction is second nature now as my back arches up off my bed as my hand continues its assault on my senses. 1 edge moments later my mind abuzz with desire. Another edge, 3 to go and my morning can really begin. On and on my fingers go, dancing circles around my needy clit. Stopping just shy of another orgasm, 3 edges down. Pushing a finger and then another into my wet pussy I rub the walls and pull out seconds later. 4 edges down, returning my fingers to my box as my other hand clutches my breast, back still arched high, I slams down to the bed and thrusts my hands to my pillow. 5 edges done.
Climbing out of bed I go and brush my hair and then my teeth. A outfit is already laid out by my Master. A latex sleeveless shirt and matching pants, black high heels and a corset. My day will clearly be a tough one for me. Looking around I cannot find anything even resembling underwear. Knowing my punishment would be beyond measure if I were to dress my pussy myself I don my latex outfit for the day. Shirt, then the pants, sliding easily up my smooth legs as my juices made for handy lubricant. Pressing the latex on my pussy I pause. A simple deep breath removes my hand from what I know is forbidden to me now my morning edges are complete. Sitting on the bedside I clip my heels on so it doesn't fall off and put on my corset, only being able to loosely cinch it without help.
With great care, I walk out my bedroom door, slow paces in my high heels, my pussy rubbing against the latex with every step sending chills down my spine making my mind drift to my little buzzer throbbing away relentlessly. down the stairs, Master was waiting for me. Standing before him I assume my position on my knees, legs open palms up, head down.
“Good morning Master” I say keeping my head low.
“Morning my dear, sleep well i hope, i have a few fun things for you to enjoy today” my Master sounds eager.. its a little unsettling.
Standing up at his command I follow him to the dining room. Breakfast is already served. Im stunned, something is going on and Im concerned by what this means, my Master has almost never made breakfast for me. Heading to my seat I spot it. A large dildo, right where my pulsing pussy would lay, with my Masters guiding hand I ease down onto the large toy. The latex over my pussy parting at the intrusion! how could I not notice that gap when I put it on?? sliding down the thick cock my pussy serving to lubricate it all the way to the base. With a wet shlop Im completely full and I havnt even touched my bacon and eggs! perhaps a drink to calm my nerves, as I take a large gulp I feel warm.. a little too warm. Looking to my Master, he confirms my suspicions by raising his own glass. My pussy now spasming around the dildo as the aphrodisiac runs its course as I lean forward and stifle a moan.
My Master laughs at my situation. “Eat up my dear, your going to need your strength.” he says sending a flurry of chills down my spine leading right to my throbbing womanhood! gasping for air I raise a shaking hand to my fork and eat my food, likely spiked as well.. yes, its spiked. With each piece I swallow I feel the heat burn hotter, like a raging inferno my body craving the 1 thing my mind knows it must never have without consent! finishing my drugged meal my Master takes me by the hand and raises me up. Stopping several times to prevent a unauthorised orgasm. Leading me to the play room I see a device I have never seen before but it scares the hell out of me.
Standing, or lying in the middle of the room is a series of Stock restraints circling a large padded seat, leading me over to it, my Master lays me down flat. locking my wrists in their own personal Stock holders, followed by my ankles. Breathing faster at this development and my need constantly rising im hoisted in the air by the cushion im laying on, my restraints following suit. Standing beside me my Master reveals more holes in my latex, a hole per nipple with which he inserts a suction cup with a wire and covering it with the latex again, leaving just the wire exposed. moving down to my clit he reveals a suction cup, its thin and long and now, attached to my maddening, throbbing buzzer, he begins pumping. My eyes fly open in a combination of fear and arousal as my clit starts to get sucked into the tube, further and further its pulled from its hood till I feel it. Something hard is touching my clit, looking down Im greeted with a wire, pressing the tip of my isolated clit with the means to make me thrash around were I not restrained already. My drug ridden mind flooding with thoughts of my soon to be, hellish day that started too calmly as my Master slides a thick metal cock into my ass. I cant see it but I can bet theres a wire attached to it as well.
Moving to my head Master puts a dildo gag in my mouth and a latex hood over my head, my long red hair pulled through the back and the hood sealed tight. I cant see, I can barely hear and I can only weakly moan around this toy in my mouth, and as my thoughts go to the toy in my mouth, it expands, and again, and again! My mouth now completely full with cock my pleas and moans now a dull grunt, barely audible to those outside my hood. My pussy feels cold air, Master has moved the latex away from my drooling slit, heat radiating off my hungry hole, I breathe deep as Master presses his tongue against my slick folds. If I could scream, I would have. instead my legs tremble uncontrollably and my arms spasm, locked in my restraints thats all I really can do. Master licks again and again drawing more fluid from me. My breathing now very audible as air rushes in and out through my nose, Then I feel it. its coming, shit IM CUMMING! and then.. pure agony. My nipples cop it first, but only by microseconds, as they light up with electricity, followed by my ass and worst of all, my throbbing clit. My eyes shoot up into my skull as Im torn down from the plateau I was cresting mere moments ago! My pussy spasms in need as my Masters tongue only redoubles its assault knowing he has me, right where he wants me.
A full hour passes, and Masters Tongue leaves my pussy as another orgasm is slammed away by the electricity as this setup is designed to deny, not reward so I scream into my inflated cock gag. A few moments pass by idle as Im left to stew in my burning need, electricity occasionally zapping my nipples to make sure im denied release from my drug fuelled arousal. I hear Master say something outside my latex hood, I cant make out the words but he seems to know that I was only moments from cumming just now and thats led his to this pause to let me calm down, if that were possible with the drugs coursing through my veins and the intoxicating latex still coating my body and head Im swimming in a sea of arousal and Im not allowed to cum even a little even in my intense exhaustion im allowed only this peace of not being dragged kicking and screaming to more denial! A familiar sensation returns as Masters tongue reaffixes itself to my Labia and once again im lit of with electricity as another orgasm is beaten back, Round 2 begins.
2 Whole hours of torturous orgasm denial at Masters hands and tongue pass as im finally lowered to the ground, it only took a minute to unlock my limbs from the hellish devices that held me down, and another minute to free my ass, nipples and clit from their own hellish devices. A flick to the clit confirms Im still conscious. My Master picks me up and carries me to the nearby lounge, there he removes my hood and gag, and rests my head on his lap and runs his fingers through my sweat soaked hair. Stripping me of my latex suit, leaving only my heels on he continues my massage, as I regain my senses slowly.
“Master.. Thank you for training this slave to serve” I say weakly, as he cups my cheek with his tender hand, I roll over and fish out his throbbing cock and begin sucking, after all that pain and denial i need something I love, i need Masters cum in my mouth to savour the taste then swallow like the Good Slave I am. Eventually im rewarded with a mouthful as i drink every drop im given and swallow, it really is delicious to me now, I cant go back to a normal life, I belong to my Master.
Taking me to the loungeroom Master instructs me to edge for my lunch. A simple task but as he turns to leave he gives me the number. 30 edges.. My pussy pulses again and the flood gates reopen, I still havnt had that orgasm my body just remembered it was desperate for. oh god could I really do 30 in a row without stopping or spilling over? My Master seems to think so. Already days into my denial and with drugs wracking my brain I begin my edges. It only took a hour but I finally got them all. Another dose of drugged lunch and Im back to normal, if horny out of my mind is normal. The rest of my day is fairly standard compared to my morning training, part of me wants to do it again but not any time soon.
Pleasuring my Masters cock I polish his shoes after that in my favourite maid outfit, remembering to always bend at the waist, never the knees, my Master loves a good show. My daily chores complete Im taken to the shower and cleaned by my Master, taking great care not to rub over my pussy too hard. A lovely steak for dinner with some wine, I could hardly taste the drug in that wine, but my pussy sure felt it. My Master, eager to set me to bed attaches a chastity belt tightly to my pussy. I dont see the point as I would never touch without permission.. right?
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pasta-and-hedgehogs · 2 years
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I had a good day today. I made myself a large breakfast and I ate it it was filling and its the first time in a while that feeling full hasnt made me feel bad I was content. I tried yoga again in the morning my knees complained very audibly I felt grounded and connected to myself I tried positive affirmations again this time they didnt feel cheesy or untrue. I sat in the park just before I built up this whole thing in my head that Owen was annoyed with me but again this is just me makeing shit up in my head and believeing it because mental illness and overthinking and anxiety. I was suprisingly ok when I went in his house it felt weird because me memmories of it are seeped with vodka and regret but I think I was able to enjoy myself(me jessie and owen went to the woods) My obsession was subdued and not in full force I think I was actually able to spend time with him as a friend and not wonder if he could like me or chose to love me it was nice to live in reality with him for once does this mean Im over him not fully like I was able to release the hope from my heart and I know we are just friends or maybe we aren't fully but thats not the end of the world. However its the thoughts that are my biggest hurdle at this point like it isnt always fully intense but I am always thinking about you and its nothing in perticular its just like a vibrational frequency in my head like the vibe of you hovering in my brain constantly there craving your presence and I just cant get rid of it theres no distraction in the world that can scrub this feeling out of my head its almost torture like I'm doing my best to get over this but some version of you is buried in my brain like a parasitic worm a tumor pulsating its presence is always known. Somehow we were talking about jesus or ⛪ from my older posts and we got on to the whole me being obsessive and how I made a playlist called "I baked you cookies how could you kiss her" and then I made a joke saying oh I dont really remember how I felt I can check my tumblr posts if you really want to know and then somehow I was reading out exerpts from some posts and it was quite scary to do tbh and I felt quite exposed and vulnerable but yea I think it was fun I didnt feel like I had to play a character or fit in a role I was being me. Well Mr Owen wanted to see my tumblr and I said no for reasons that are quite obvious because he doesnt even know that I had a crush on him (to my knowledge) let alone that I am this level of insane; he made jokes about reblogging on his tumblr and he made jokes about searching tumblr for it and if it was anyone other than those two (jessie and owen)who have been written about in the tumblr honestly part of me wants to know what he would say and think like if he saw the posts about him because most of them are when im in the trying to hate my obsession to get over them but it never works.
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starboyholland · 7 years
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Small Steps| Kylo Ren One Shot
Requested: no Rating: PG-13, mild cursing, torture/interrogation kinda?? It’s not super graphic Summary: Kylo’s only job for today was to interrogate the newest prisoner, so why does he suddenly feel like the one exposed.
(The one where YN gets into Kylo Ren’s head more than he gets into hers).
•••
The room was cold, dim and smelled of metal and hash cleaning chemicals. YN didn’t want to think about what those chemicals were used to clean up.
She was strapped down to a chair, if you could call it that. She was strapped to a chair that felt more like a table, nearly flat except for slight shape to accommodate the natural curve of her body. How thoughtful of the First Order to think of my comfort. YN thought to herself, trying to mentally prepare herself for whatever was going to walk through those doors that she could see only by turning her had as far to the side as possible and straining her eyes.
Almost on cue, who she assumed to be the infamous Kylo Ren walked through the silver sliding doors. He only had to take a few strides until her was in front of YN, eyeing her up and down silently. YN knew that this was meant to phase her and tried not to let his behavior affect her this early in their meeting. He spoke suddenly:
“I know who you are, YN. Do you know who I am?”
Even through the filter of the masked helmet, his tone was com descending. YN didn’t know if she could trust he own voice to sound strong so she just nodded slightly, trying to seem at ease in he surroundings. Kylo raised his had in a sort of nod and spoke again. “Do you know why you’re here?”
YN decided to try and delay what she feared was to come within their meeting and shook her head to signal she did not. Kylo tilted his covered head slightly again, this time to the side to indicate that he had little trust in her answer and inhaled, YN could hear every inhale and exhale he processed due to the mask, she wondered if he relied on it to breathe or if it was more of a fashion accessory.
Once again, it was almost on u that Kylo responded to he thought process, slowing removing his helmet from his head. YN hadn’t expected to see such a young face beneath the mask, he couldn’t have been much older than her. She hoped that revealing his face to her didn’t mean that he intended to kill her before she left this room. A million thoughts were running through her mind at once.
“Relax, little one,” he stepped casually close to her. “I don’t want to hurt you- at least that isn’t my sole reason for our visit today, as I’m sure you’ve guessed- you’re smart. I can tell.” YN’s heart was going a million miles a minuet, she flinched as Kylo placed his gloved hand over her chest, right above where her heart was positioned.
He held it there for only a second, long enough to feel her heartbeat. All the while maintaining eye contact with YN. He never broke this eye contact while taking off his gloves, but finally his eyes left hers to walk behind YN, placing the gloves near his helmet on a shelf that protruded from a far wall.
YN’s mind started to construct a joke about how Kylo Ren was giving her a strip tease in her head, but he nerves kept jumbling the beginning and end together so there was no real punchline.
Her heart picked up yet again when she felt his breath on the back of the chair, barred slightly by the back of the chair she was still bound to.
“Are you ready?”
She tried harder to calm her racing mind and concentrate on disassociating from any pain she was about to experience. She tried to focus on derailing Kylo’s train of thought, gently prodding at his mind, finding herself at the forefront of his thoughts.
Pushing past that, she found herself slipping into the thoughts of her enemy. How his actions were guided by strong currents of fear, loneliness. She hadn’t meant to pity him.
Suddenly, his hand was around her neck, applying pressure. “That’s a pretty damn dangerous game to be playing with me, little one. you don’t know how good I am at this game.”
She had struck a nerve, she could feel him beginning his invasion on her mind and blocked out his advances as best she could, throwing her favorite music and poems to the front of her brain, and her family, who didn’t live anywhere near the base. The love in her family. She began focusing on getting further into his head than he could get into her own.
“You should really just give up- you know that I have every advantage over you right now, I can see any and every thing inside your head that I want to.”
So then why are you so scared of me?“
Her inquiry was simple but it clearly struck another nerve with her captor. "I’d shut the hell up if I was you- none of your Jedi friends are coming to your aid.”
She just stared back at him, his hand tightening on her throat so that her breathing became more labored, but still possible. She looked deeper into his mind- hating the feeling of invading into his private feelings and thoughts, but he would do the same to her- was doing the same to her.
Finally, she hit something that felt significant, she relaxed and spoke out loud, feeling his hand clench around he throat to try and stop he speech.
“You dont have to be alone.” her voice was cut off abruptly by his hand clenching tight enough to choke her. Her hands pulled at her restraints to try and remove his hands but failed, her body beginning to panic at the lack of oxygen- spasming. “That was a cute trick,” he paused. “But now it’s my turn to do some digging in here,” He tapped her head with a finger from his hand that wasnt constricting around her throat. His hand finally released her thoat after what felt like ages. YN sputtered and Kylo began to speak.
“All I need from you is to tell me where the new rebel base is- can you do that for me, pet?” YN tried to shake her head to say no, but was preoccupied with regaining her breath, head falling forward due to it not being held up by restraints lie the rest of her body. YN could feel her neck begin to bruise, eyes hot and glistening.
“I think you can, I can almost see the location in your mind now. I can see your friends- do they know where you are? Will they ever forgive you after you tell me everything I need to know?” YN shook her head quickly now- breathing heavily still. “Get out” she murmured, focusing all her energy on pushing him from your head. “Not yet, little one- you’re strong, but not invincible.” he taunted, forehead almost touching YN’s. "You’re the same way,” YN replied quietly, cringing as Kylo’s eyes opened to meet hers, breaking his state of concentration. YN feared that this interaction would result in another bruise, or worse, Kylo’s hand wrapped back around her throat.
It didn’t.
Kylo sighed and closed his eyes again, brushing hand over YN’s forehead as if it would open her mind more quickly to his prying mind’s eye. It didn’t, thankfully for YN. The time had come for Kylo to take a break again. YN took this opportunity to scan his brain again, focusing on the force. Again, she could sense layers upon layers of shame and anger and fear, with one overarching feeling of loneliness. She wondered why Kylo didn’t block her more from prodding through his mind. At this point she was able to see some of his fondest memories, using the force to suggest them to the forefront of his mind. A family, a pet dog and then all of a sudden incredible tension- YN had guessed she had found the memory of when that period of Kylo’s life had come to a close, maybe when he’d joined the First Order. YN watched as the pleasant memories cause Kylo’s face to relax, shoulders softening a bit, before contorting into an expression of conflict.
“Why do you stay here?” She didn’t mean to ask it aloud, but there her words were, sitting in the air between them. Kylo, who had found a spot to sit in front of YN looked up. “Because the First Order allows me to use my full powers.” Kylo looked exhausted. “This is your full potential?” YN questioned again, feeling slightly more confident.
Kylo stared up at her, unsure of what to say. He settled for “you haven’t seen my full potential- and you don’t want to. You wouldn’t survive it.” He put on a face of confidence, but YN was still in his head enough to know that this was just a front.
“Have you tried to use your powers the way the Jedi do?” This flared Kylo’s anger to a flaming rage, his face grew hot and YN barely had time to process before his face was once again almost touching hers, hand tightening again around her throat.
“The Jedi tried to take advantage of me the way they are you. If only you could see how much more powerful you would be with the First Order- and not those fools in robes,” he hissed, but unclenched his hand from her neck, letting his head bend down and be held by one hand.
“But they don’t love you here, we would love you, Kylo.” His head snapped up again and YN flinched.
“No you wouldn’t.”
“How do you know?”
“They tried- I failed and they would never forgive me” Kylo’s voice tapered off at the end of his statement, it sounded easily rehearsed- either something he’d been told over and over or something he’d repeated to himself. YN remembered the family she’d seen in Kylo’s head.
She recognized who she assumed was his mother- she knew Leia had lost a son.
“Do you want to hear about how your family is doing? Your mother?” YN wasn’t sure this would work, but was willing to try.
“No. They’d only make me weaker.” He didn’t sound like he believed what he was saying. YN decided to take her chances.
“Your mother is a general, she’s very well liked and people respect her. She misses you though, she spends extra time in her quarters after somebody mentions you,” YN paused to gauge Kylo’s reaction. She couldn’t read his face and his mind was such a fast moving whirl of emotion that it was hard for even him to know what he was feeling.
“You could come back, forget all of this shit and start over- you could be with your family-”
“Shut up!” Kylo let out a scream to silence YN. It worked, she shrank back into the chair as far as she could. “Don’t you get it? They don’t want me back- even if they did,” he paused again. “I can’t leave- not now and not ever this is my life now.”
YN found herself in his head again. It was so conflicted. Kylo wanted to hear everything about his family- his parents. He wanted to go back home and forget he’d ever come to the First Order. But how could he be sure- he thought this was what he wanted, to connect with his grandfather and become the strongest warrior in the galaxy. His family wouldn’t even want to see him, he told himself. He was a murderer.
Kylo could feel YN in his head- she had a warm aura, he was in her head too. He could feel her pity and sympathy, she could feel that he was tired. He could feel that she truly believed he could come home.
“Small steps, Ben. Nobody is forcing you to change overnight. Just take small steps to change.”
He hadn’t heard that name spoken so softly- so kindly and compassionately- in a long time. A voice in his head- one that was all his own, told him that maybe he could get used to that.
Maybe he should try. “How, you know who I am and what I do- hell, what I’ve done to you just in one day- why would you even try and help me- or bring me home. How do you know I won’t just go with you and then destroy the base?”
“Will you do any of that?” Kylo looked at her for a moment. “You’d just believe me?” YN half smiled, mostly tired and glad to be having an almost normal, calm conversation.
“I can see in your head, Ben. I know that this is a tough choice, but I also know that there’s more people than you know who still want you to come home.”
“Small steps,” he muttered to himself. YN nodded- well as best she could while restrained.
“You could let me out, we could leave this ship and you could think things over, sleep- we both need it.” YN suggested gently. He was still unpredictable, it was nearly impossible to tell if her statements would be met by Ben or Kylo. They were the same person, but his fits of rage showed more conflict between the two than he’d care to admit. YN didn’t even have time to process what was happening before Kylo presses a button and her restraints were immediately lifted.
She began to fall, feeling exhausted, when she was shocked to feel two metal-clad arms grasp her, breaking her fall. “Let’s just go back to my quarters for now. Please do not try anything it’s not safe here and I can’t vouch for any shit you pull okay?” YN was too stunned to do anything but nod. “Alright, stay close to me,” he said, opening the door and grabbing his helmet and gloves, slipping them back on. His voice anything but malicious, the change in demeanor so drastic that it felt like this was a whole new person- one that was working to fight the darkness, one small step at a time.
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