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dragaoel · 5 years ago

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Jun'ichirō, aka Jun (- Silverdell)

the volume of the radio slowly dwindles down and only static noise is left to be heard

"those are dangerous words"

"not for him " Anja replies, her head laying on her outstretched arm that's on the table , her whole posture the embodiment of laziness. "loved ones always have it easier here"

"Not always" Jun says grimly and glances out of the window" it's because he's an outsider that he's allowed more freedom than any of us"

"aren't you a loved one too?"

Jun sighs deeply and turns towards the albino girl. For a second ,pain , frustration and a hint of panic can be seen in his eyes before it vanishes. He lets out a bitter laugh.

"and you saw where that lead me to,half dead in a ditch"

INTRODUCTION JUN :

half japanese half black

has waist long black thick hair and brown skin

has a ‘’prince in anguish’’ aura but masks it with him being over the top ridiculous and dramatic

is 5′11

born 12th october (libra)

‘‘the risk i took was calculated, but man, am i bad at math’‘

Jun is my favourite character, i made him on a whim as a side character in a old story and then i started using him more and more as a background character until i realized the potential he had. He's also one of the character whom i put into a lot of different aus, the most favourite one was where he was a vampire who loved laying in the garden and eat roses all day

Rukiya (-Though the god’s have left)

‘‘i have dreams about them’‘ Rukiya says and plucks a string on her bass. The deep note rumbles through the room and her short curls moves along as she drops her head lower

‘‘i'm high in the sky, looking down onto a land that seems oh so familiar, with people screaming at me asking me to help them’‘

‘’do you understand them? ‘’ a band member asks

‘‘weirdly i do’‘ Rukiya answers ‘‘ it seems to be in my native language but also not, as if it was way before everything happened, you know, the ancient time’‘

INTRODUCTION RUKIYA :

Out of the both of them Rukiya is the older twin by 4 minutes

she’s also the artsy one than her sister whos into sports

wears black literally 24/7 and has dark circles despite sleeping enough

is 5′9

is black (kenyan)

mole on the left side of her cheek

fluent in her native tongue kiswahili

Majors in Film

loves anything that has to do with space nd aliens

born 24th january (aquarius)

has a sweet tooth

*cocks gun* ‘’basements haunted’’

i like the idea of twins that are completely the opposite of each other. Rukiya just like Imara have a big chunk of my personality in them, it's just that i lean more towards Rukiya than Imara.

Akiho (-Though the god’s have left)

Kneeling down, she cocks her head to the side, her eyes cold and her lips pressed into a thin line ‘’ dont think your actions won't have consequences’’ she sneers ‘’ the next time i see you harassing another girl again i'll make you wish you were never born’’

Akiho dusts herself , picks up the bat , glances one last time at the boy laying on the floor and walks away, the echoes of her shoes the only noise to be heard

INTRODUCTION AKIHO :

is 5′4

majors in theater

her fashion style is y2k

is the other one of the dumbass duo

has freckles on her nose

is japanese

doesn't like sweet things usually eats traditional sweets made by her mom or things that are sour/bitter, but salty food has to be spicy asf

born, 14th april (aries)

her side teeth are really pointy

has long peach colored straight hair

‘‘I’d sell you to satan for one corn chip’‘

Akiho comes from a family of 3, she's the youngest sibling and she has that energy. She likes to play with her oldest brother children, doesn't want any on her own though. will fight anyone who is disrespectful, esp towards women

Hyunjin (-Though the god’s have left)

The tall girl slumps her body onto her girlfriend shoulder, watching her fry the fish in the pan into charcoal. Hyunjin wrinkles her nose in a attempt to push the glasses up without having to actually touch them, before she sighs deeply.

‘‘Just-’‘ she starts and softly takes ‘‘let me do it, otherwise you'll burn the kitchen down like last time’‘

Praveena puffs her cheeks up ‘’that actually wasn't my fault, it was the gasherd-’’

‘‘i know i know’‘ Hyunjin chuckles and kisses her cheek ‘‘but i have a exam tomorrow and i would like not not have an indigestion’‘ she frowns and flips the fish over and sighs. It seems the fish can’t be saved anymore.

INTRODUCTION HYUNJIN :

korean

has short dyed blue hair, but the back part is longer than the front part.

is ‘5′10

majors in engineering technology

born 14th may (taurus)

has literally no sense of style and wears glasses cause she has a slight astigmatism that you can't really see

has a mole next to her right eye

‘‘a financially unstable mess but at the liquor store they call me ma’am’‘

honestly out of all the characters i draw hyunjin the most. In the beginning she had shoulder length but then i shortened it because i liked it more. She's an only child and her mother runs a bakery while her father works in a office. She's the calm type that's constantly tired because she never sleeps

Praveena (-Though the god’s have left)

She shuffles the cards and lays them out on the table. The customers sees the fool, the moon and the star. Praveena touches them with her fingertips ‘’ you seem to be either at the beginning or at the end of a new journey ’’ she pauses and thinks ‘’but either way you're prepared for what is to come’’

The customers nods ‘’i'm soon moving away from this city’’

‘‘I see’‘ Praveena counters and points at the next card ‘‘the moon indicates that you’re hesitant and fearful in your decision, there might be something from the past that is holding you back and influencing you in the present and possibly the future

the customer tenses up, her eyes fixed on the card and her lips tight

‘‘though’‘ Praveena continues ‘‘at the end you’ll be at peace and glad that you pushed through all the turbulences

INTRODUCTION PRAVEENA :

tamil ,dark skin with long wavy violet dyed hair

Hyunjin’s girlfriend

has calm energy but is also very erratic

loves astrology & tarot

majors in psychology

5′5

born 20 july (cancer)

has droopy eyes

‘‘god cant help you now’‘

i made praveena cause i wanted a harmonious wlw couple, that have that ‘’old married pair’’ plus out of all the ocs those two are the ones that i drew first. Praveena has the tendency to blow things up how though is a mystery and hyunjin always has to clean up everything.

Imara (-Though the god’s have left)

‘‘no listen, it doesn't make sense why would you wear a bra and some tight ass pants knowing you’re about to fight people who have knives and GUNS?’’ Imara asks perturbed.

‘‘Cause men are horny’‘ Rukiya retorts and raises an eyebrow

‘‘still doesn't make sense like wow!, some fucking boobs, like really? really? is that what gets you going? just some breast pressed up in a bra that is too damn tight and a flat stomach on a skinny ass girl that has absolute no muscles despite the training she went through?

Rukiya sighs ‘’ is this about-’’

‘‘lara croft yes’‘ Imara interrupts and slams her finger on the table ‘‘and im going to die on this hill that men shouldn't be allowed to create games!’‘

INTRODUCTION IMARA:

plays games a lot, esp the loz series

has curly dyed blonde hair that's mostly tied in a ponytail or a bun because she cant be bothered with it, though rukiya helps her all the time cause she never really learned how to deal with curly hair.

Is on a baseball sponsorship because she's that good (she's a pitcher)

is totally tone deaf unlike her twin

isnt good with crows ie: strangers crowding around her after her team won a game

is kenyan

5′9

has a mole next to her upper lips on the left side

loves 90's rnb & hip hop music

‘‘he proclaimed his undying love and asked me to do the same, i had to overcome my desire to laugh’‘

Imara does have a slight complex about being a twin because she feels like Rukiya is the cooler one despite people loving her too. She's loud and boisterous basically a chad, but better. She's dorky and literally spends her free time gaming but she doesn't just play any game shes v specific when it comes to that. Her mom always has a headache because of her but thats okay but in the end her mom loves her to death.

Ava (-Though the god’s have left)

‘’do you you know how much it's sucks that at the end of all of this , i'm the one waiting for them?’’ Ava exclaims ‘’that i'm the one who will have to watch them go through the door to be evaluated? that i'm ultimately the end?

‘‘you’re not all alone-’‘

‘‘you don't understand’’ Ava interrupts, as she points at the short girl ‘’ i will have to watch my mom, my family that raised me go through that door and know that that will be the last time i will see them in that body!’’

INTRODUCTION AVA:

She’s haitian

keeps her hair in a short chin length dark blue bob

majors in sociology

she and akiho are the ‘’comedy duo’’ of the group

is 5′6

born 4th november (scorpio)

‘‘my only crime was that i was down to clown’‘

When i make akiho i felt like she needed a companion so i made ava, both of them were inspired by the early 2000 shows characters. Although Ava likes to goof around she's also very studious and serious about her future. She comes from a family of 6 and she’s the second oldest. She and her older sister fight constantly

Nïrnaya (Dawn over the horizon)

‘‘Magic’‘ the elf stars, her tall stature hunched over the herbs ‘’ is in the nature we’re surrounded in, in the mountains that stand high and the rivers that flow into the deep sea’’

she straightens up and walks over to Nïrnaya ‘’ we might lose everything.’’ She pokes the girl on the forehead ‘’but magic will forever stay with you because its the core of your being‘’

INTRODUCTION NÏRNAYA :

shes a mischievous 15 year old

has black curly long hair that are mostly braided

does not want to do this whole adventure thing because of how it reminds her too much of the ‘’chosen one trope’’ and thats too much responsibilities

born during the year of the earth dragon

‘‘snacking between meals is the least, but tastiest, of my problems’‘

i came up with this story and character because i wanted a book where a black girl for once was the main character, where she could experience the same thing as other mc (ie eragon etc) basically i wanted black representation in a medieval-esque world but with my own spin because the world itself is not very western like

#writeblr #character introduction #original character #writer #hua's word #writers on tumblr #writeblr community #character intro post #oc moodboard

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swampgallows · 6 years ago

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it’s becoming harder and harder for me to find solace in places. the guilt inside me is becoming heavy. i know that if i want something, i need to make it happen, but i am so exhausted of having to do everything myself. and the things i do get help with i feel grateful, of course, but then so guilty that i’m needing to be helped that it’s incapacitating. i’m just so late in the game to everything. i’m so outside of life and what other people are doing. i’ve always felt that way, though. i’m never gonna snap into place like they want me to.

i need to pick a career and stuff. i just have to like shot in the dark pick something at this point because there isn’t going to be some divine calling, my pittance from art commissions is not gonna be enough to sustain me (and i dont think i can get to a point where it will), im just so bogged down knowing that everybody is fuckin poor.

part of me wishes i could wake up and just ‘be normal’. that i could throw away all the weird stupid shit in my life. the trashy little kid bracelets, the clown clothes, the nerdy interests, the ugly monsters (what on earth is an ‘orc’?), the hundreds of heavy and just plain weird records that are sooo boring and irritating and repetitive and loud and obnoxious. all the shit i’ve internalized about stuff i am beyond passionate about, the only fuel that keeps me alive and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. i read once about brain trauma, that someone suffered an injury and when they woke up, all of their interests changed completely. they were a classically-trained musician, iirc, and ended up just selling all of their instruments and getting rid of all their books etc because it had absolutely no value to them anymore. they were completely changed. i dont remember what their new interests became, but... the thought of that has haunted me for over a decade. maybe someone will hit me in the head just right until i wake up and be a normal person who cares about normal, accessible things instead of all this fringe and abrasive fantasy bullshit. what if i woke up one day and became a devout christian? i roll over and my room is foreign to me, along with everything in it, and then i just throw it all away? i start over, stripped clean. tabula rasa. i get good interests instead. relatable adult things, like gourmet food and backpacking. i titter with the girls at the office and wear pencil skirts and focus on landing me a tall dark and handsome.

the thought of becoming that thing is heartwrenching. painful. but it’s all obvious, of course, why i would ever have that masochistic fantasy of completely disowning my worthless oblong self. a me that isn’t ‘ruined’.

i went through my kandi stash the other day trying to find all my kandi with bells on it (I could have sworn i had more). and going through a lot of it was a flood of memories. high school, college, raver days. when i was in high school, all by my lonesome, the only candy kid or rave-associated ANYTHING in my 4000+ fellow students, i had to wear a lot of my own kandi. and i did so as a beacon, a lighthouse, hoping that i could be a beaming signal to any other candy kids who might be in hiding. and i got so dizzy and self-consuming with my repressed interest that i became a zealot about it, being extremely rude and elitist about my interests because i felt a need to protect them. i felt the pressure of them looking to be watered down or erased. i was the same with warcraft.

ten years later i’m not as rude about it, but i feel exactly the same way. in high school i had to wear my own kandi, would have it ripped off of my arms in big fistfuls by those who ostracized me, and had to be tongue-in-cheek and submissive about my passion, my very real and non-ironic DEVOTION to this. thank god on tumblr i can write 4000 word dissertations about garrosh hellscream and some of you crazy fucks actually bother to read it, but sometimes i still feel like that kind of pariah for having a very niche and very specific fixation.

even people who played warcraft when i was in high school told me i took it too seriously because i roleplayed; and even roleplayers in the game told me i took it too seriously because i didnt want to sit around for 6 hours pretending to drink alcohol and trying to get laid, except as an elf. the fact that i really wanted to discuss the lore and delve into the story and the universe of azeroth, of how it would feel to be in that place, to live that life, ostracized me even from the people who claim to feel the same way. but roleplay was never about focusing on how our veins dont surge anymore as undead, how your digestive organs need to be removed post-undeath so they dont explode and rupture and hang out of your bowels like the abominations in the Undercity, how the undead are technically still the same citizens of Loraderon but are being ousted by their living counterparts in neighboring kingdoms. it was just “haha im a funny dead pirate man and i’m going to womanize 12 blood elf women at once behind all of their backs.”

in trying to become a gabber dj too, i felt like i had to take it upon myself because nobody else plays the music that i like. but alll of these things... it feels like i’m just building a house by myself. i feel like nobody truly, at the core, appreciates the intersection of interests that i have, or can only smile and nod at my fervor but not really understand it. and it’s nobody’s fault, nobody is obligated to feel what i feel.

i’m glad people enjoy the garrosh posts and art that i make. and i’m glad that my friends make kandi with me now and encourage me to play gabber. i’m happy when i get some really good RP, even if i have to be the one to walk up every time. i’m glad that people want me to “do the thing”. i just feel like... there is no payoff once it’s done. everyone gets glad that it’s finished, and they enjoy it then, but then it dissolves. nobody is invested in it but me.

i know the solution is to be more accessible, but i can’t seem to imagine anything other than swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction. like, all or nothing. either you take all of my german expressionism with the warcraft meta and the rave shit, or you get nothing. i dont know how to dilute myself and that’s part of what was killing me at my job. i felt like a novelty. a doll. but it wasn’t their fault.. they couldnt relate to what i was talking about and passionate about, and it’s not their fault. they liked me because i was well-spoken and funny and a diligent worker, which are all nice and accessible things, but when nobody can cathect with me, really empathize with me, i feel like a jester. a consumable.

my college roommates would tell me that they loved me because i was so funny. and that’s it. i existed as entertainment, but anything human about me—my passions, my interests, my insights, my memories—meant nothing. even my family will ask me a question and then cut me off in the middle of my sentence, expressing more of just their disbelief or confusion about something than actually seeking information. it’s why i stopped answering customers when they’d ask “how did you dye your hair?” and, like an idiot, i attempted to explain the process to them, thinking they actually wanted to know. but a few words in and their eyes glazed over, probably because they weren’t expecting a “real answer”. i began to accept that any questions directed toward me were closer to passive acknowledgements of me just standing there and existing in their field of vision than any sort of actual desired input from me. it’s like when people ask “how are you?” and you are obligated to say “fine” because it is the rote response. if you actually start talking about how you are doing, you are violating the socially agreed upon script of pleasantries.

i cant do small talk. i cant do scripts. i dont get it. it doesnt make sense to me. and i think retail killed me because of that. i wasn’t a person. i wasn’t even an NPC. i was just a doll. an actor. a pull-string action figure with 5 fun phrases. i was so wacky and weird with my green hair and my silly bracelets and funny observations. ho ho what fun it is to work here with our personal jester to tell us funny stories about her cuh-razy antics she gets up to!

like how nate said “the craziest thing of someone’s year will be seeing someone play the legend of zelda theme on an accordion at a convention and for us that’s just like a walk down the street”.

my feet straddle two divergent worlds and i cant pick just one but im about to fall in the crevice.

man i fuckin love ratatouille man. i fuckin love that film. i cant choose between two halves of myself. even when the halves want the other half dead.

i need a liaison. where’s MY linguini????

#blathering

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curiouser-and-curiouser-fics · 7 years ago

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Imagine Thorin falling in love with you at first sight

https://youtu.be/v_Jcnv9BDy8

Above is the link to a video of Master Zhang Xue Chao and his student Jen Dart performing in the art of swordplay using the well-respected Wudang sword. I had to do quite a bit of research for this, so that I would be able to represent and portray the beautiful history of the sword and techniques correctly, so I hope you all enjoy!

When the sparring scene comes along, it will be very similar to the video, so be sure to watch it!

It had been nearly four years since the kingdom of Erebor had been successfully reclaimed, the sons of Durin thankfully making it through. Thorin had been coronated, finally elevated to his rightful position as King under the mountain. The only thing he was missing was a Queen to rule by his side.

The problem with this was, he didn't really want one. Not that he was stingy with his power, but that no dwarrowdam residing in the Iron Hills, Blue Mountains, nor Erebor was acceptable, much less worthy.

Thorin had hosted several balls and galas, as a way of meeting as many dams as possible, but every single one of them seemed attracted to him only for his looks or power. Quite distasteful. Besides all that, he didn’t feel a connection to any of them as his One.

So, the King had given up on a search for a bride.

He discussed his frustration with his confidant and best friend, Dwalin, knowing that the warrior would not ridicule him for what he would bring to his attention.

“In all honesty, my King,” Dwalin said with a smirk, ”perhaps you should search for your One outside of the kingdom.”

Thorin merely shook his head, a heavy frown on his face.

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You had fallen into Tolkien’s world a couple years ago, after simply tripping over the root of an old tree in the park. You’d landed in the middle of nowhere, and had had to wander around until you found civilization.

The rebuilt city of Dale was where you ended up, and you immediately went to searching for someone who could tell you where you were, where you could get food and shelter, things like that. The curiosity that was you ended up drawing the attention of King Bard, previously Bard the bowman.

He had felt a sting of pity towards you, as you were in obvious need of help, and you reminded him of his daughters, particularly his eldest. Sigrid was only a few years younger than you, so the two of you bonded pretty quickly.

Bard took you in, and helped you get work at a small kiosk in Dale’s market. Everything was great for a while, but you constantly felt like something was missing. You were used to a boring 9-5 job and not having much else to look forward to but for many years you had had sword fighting lessons.

Your teacher, Master Zhang Xue Chao, had taught you the ways of the Wudang sword for 10+ years, and you had quickly mastered the art. Your daily practicing was something you missed greatly, and eventually you asked Bard to help you forge the weapon you loved so much. He did, and made one for himself as well, and you decided to teach him how to swordfight the way you knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thorin strolled along the plains outside Dale, Dwalin right by his side as his bodyguard, should anything happen. They exchanged a few words here and there, but they kept it to a minimum so that Thorin could have time and silence to think about how he would deal with the absence of a queen.

The King under the mountain looked up across the span of ground to see two figures, a woman in a red dress with a strange looking sword, and a figure who was farther away, walking towards her on the light dusting of snow.

“’S that Bard?” Dwalin grunted, and Thorin nodded.

“I think so.”

Bard finally met the woman toe to toe, and they began to spar, their feet moving in the most beautiful dance of swordsmanship either of the dwarf warriors had ever seen. Every movement was fluid, precise, and calculated.

After a while of fighting, Bard managed to disarm the woman, her sword clattering to the ground. He walked off, and she slowly bent to pick up her sword, walking off in the opposite direction towards Dale.

“Who is that woman?” Thorin asked incredulously, his eyes trained on her flowing (h/c) hair.

Dwalin shrugged, “Why don’t you find out?” He figured this mystery woman was Thorin’s One, as he had never in his life seen his best friend look at anyone the way he was looking at her now.

Thorin nodded, and briskly took off in the receding woman’s direction, hoping with all of his soul that he might be able to meet her.

He caught up to her once the both of them entered the city of Dale, and attempted to tap her shoulder without startling her. “Excuse me, miss?”

Surprisingly enough, she didn't whip around or jump or squeal, but merely turned back towards him. “Yes?”

“I uh…I..um-” For once in his life, Thorin Oakenshield had no words. The beauty of the woman up close was absolutely breathtaking, like nothing he had ever seen, in neither elf nor dwarrowdam.

“Is there something you’d like to say or are you just going to stare at me like I have three eyes, Your Majesty?” she asked saucily with a hint of a smirk on her cherry red lips.

Thorin blinked and found his ability to speak once more. “My apologies, madam, I was..simply taken aback by your astounding beauty.”

The audacious statement caused a heated blush to rise up her cheeks, and she lowered her head with a smile. “Well I must say, that is very flattering of you, Your Highness,” she murmured.

Thorin grinned; it was nice to see his words were having a positive affect on her. “I also wish to tell you that your swordsmanship is incredible, unlike anything I have ever seen,” he continued, much calmer now.

“Well, thank you,” she looked up again, and put her hand on Thorin’s, which was still rested on her shoulder. “Nice to know I have an admirer…even if it is from across an empty field, watching me spar.”

They both busted out into laughter, and began to walk throughout the market together, talking and getting to know each other.

Many months went by, and Thorin finally worked up the courage to tell her that she was his One. (Y/n) pounced on the opportunity to tell him that she felt the same way, and they immediately put in courting braids and beads.

Not three months later the couple married, and (Y/n) became the Queen under the mountain, never once regretting her decision.

I guess happy ever after does exist after all.

#the hobbit #the hobbit imagines #hobbit imagines #the hobbit fanfiction #thorin #thorin oakenshield #thorin x reader #thorin oakenshield x reader #bard #bard the bowman #swordfighting #Wudang sword

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storiesofelvenisland · 5 years ago

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The story so far, Part 8 (4/10/14 - 5/9/16) [INFINITE HIATUS]

The Chief gathered up Ciel, Rashel and Angela and raised his hands up towards the sky. His booming voice carried across the large crowd. "I proudly introduce our honored guests; Angela, Ciel, and Rashel. Please welcome them kindly." He dropped his hands and the crowd began clapping politely and that signaled the beginning of the feast. Rashel looked at Ciel and quickly looked away. She briskly walked over to Angela and said softly, "You can sit next to me if you'd like."

Angela paused. "I.. I don't want to intrude or anything." She said, looking towards Rashel's parents. "I think I'll just sit next to Ciel. Besides, I'd feel awkward if he were alone, you know?" She concluded.

Rashel thought that Ciel deserved it for...for what exactly? He wasn't her possession and he could do whatever with whomever. Why did this bother her so much? The thoughts stirred small flutters in her belly and she pursed her lips and gave Angela a stiff nod. "That's okay, I understand." And she proceeded to walk over to her parents and sit with them. There was one long table for only her parents, Ciel and Angela, The chief and his wife and son, and a couple very well-respected people of the village. The rest of the elves roamed about or sat on tree trunks to eat or took some food home. Lanterns hanging on thick vines illuminated the meal and Rashel tried to not glance at Ciel every second.

Ciel tried to eat his food in silence, but felt a strange feeling start to sink in. He felt extremely awkward, like he never wanted to speak to Rashel again, as it would be too strange. He didn't know how to explain what had happened to her.

Isaac looked weary and he mumbled something to his mother. His mother was an odd woman. She had a different hair color than the other Nature elves. It was a type of dirty blonde that was smooth and straight. It cascaded over her shoulders like a shimmery waterfall and her skin was fair yet emitted a type of shine like gold. Her eyes were a bright green, the same color as Isaac's right eye. She wore glittering jewelry and had a gentle voice. "Your name is Angela, correct?" She raised her thin eyebrows and held up her goblet towards the powerless angel. Angela's attention turned from nothing in particular to Isaac's mother. She simply replied, "Yes, I am Angela. It's a pleasure to meet you... What's your name?" She asked.

"Valerie Windfall. The pleasure is all mine." She beckoned for the angel to clink her glass against her own. "You were the one to sacrifice your own angelic qualities and abilities for a city and it's people...very noble indeed." She nodded and smiled. Isaac picked up his goblet and raised it towards the prophets. "A toast all together for the prophets?" He suggested, a glimmer of mischief in his eye.The Chief, Rashel, Jek, Nani and the respected members each raised their glass.

Angela smiles and clinks her glass against Valerie's. "Yes... Thank you very much." She says. Angela raises her glass to Isaac's toast. Ciel wondered what Isaac was doing. He sighed slightly, hesitantly raising his glass to match the pose of those around him.

Isaac nods and everyone clinks glasses with those closest to them. Isaac takes a sip from his goblet and freezes Ciel's drink over.

Ciel looked to his drink, and then to Isaac. He gave Isaac a very stern expression which basically said "That didn't do anything" as he un-froze the drink and took a sip from it, glaring at Isaac.

Valerie and Timn engage in conversation, oblivious to their son's actions. Isaac shrugged and rolled his eyes. Rashel pushed a brightly colored bowl of fruit over to Angela. Timn whispered into Valerie's ear and she nodded, a stern look crossing her features briefly. "Can I just say that my theory is-" Isaac was cut off by Falcon coming up and grabbing Ciel's goblet and hastily drinking it. "Where have you been?" Chief Windfall asked, his voice holding a tone of disapproval. "Forest." Falcon simply sputtered, sending flecks of liquid over Ciel and Angela. He finished the drink and Rashel was studying his robes. They were a bit more tattered than before and even a little damp on the ends.

Ciel stopped glaring at Isaac, and looked off into the surrounding forest. Leaves were rustling, and Falcon emerged, walking towards him. When Falcon picked up Ciel's glass, the only word that Ciel got out was "Hey!" before it was gone. Angela eyed the bowl of fruit, not knowing what to choose. She grabbed some grapes, an apple and an odd-looking fruit called a durian. The durian smelled strange, but tasted wonderful, as did the grapes and apple. "Food... food is a really amazing thing" she said to Rashel and Ciel.

Ciel saw the durian, and asked "Don't those only grow in tropical areas?"

His words caught Valerie's interest and she looked at him, stopping conversation with her husband. The sky was getting a bit darker so the lights strung over them became more efficient. "We do trade every now and then. I'm an advantage when it comes to trading with the so-called isolated Spirit elves." She stabbed a piece of broccoli with her fork and smiled slightly. Isaac ate his food and cast looks between Ciel and Angela.

Angela finished eating a grape and looked towards Isaac, who appeared to be looking towards her. She looked back at him, putting the other grape that she had picked up back onto her plate. She put her arms by her side as she stared at Isaac for a few seconds. She looked towards Valerie, and asked, "What do you mean you're an advantage?"

Isaac met her eyes and held them for as long as Angela looked away. He smirked and then looked at Ciel. Valerie noticed and smacked his arm. He rubbed his arm and grumbled under his breath. She looked at Angela and smiled, "I'm a Spirit elf myself." Rashel gaped and then finished chewing the rest of the chicken in her mouth. "What?" She tilted her head slightly.

Angela was surprised by this new information, and said "Oh." Ciel asked "Spirit elves are.. Spirit elves can marry Nature elves?" He said. "That just.. it doesn't seem like it would be well- recieved." Angela looked back towards Isaac and noticed that he was rubbing his arm. She laughed quietly and mouthed the words, "I win"

"Are you two dating?" Isaac blurted before Valerie could reply. He waved his hand over in the direction of Ciel and Angela. Valerie sighed softly and Chief Windfall was on the verge of reaching over and smacking his own son across the head. Rashel choked on her drink.

Angela looked to Ciel, then back at Isaac. Ciel simply shook his head no while Angela said, "Why would I date? I am an angel." She said. "I don't know why you would even think that."

"Well you're human now. Humans have feelings. Romantic feelings. It would only be natural." Isaac leaned back, his plate full of chicken bones and uneaten veggies.

"Well I haven't noticed any feelings of romance yet." She said. She lost interest in Isaac and looked away.

Valerie's mouth formed into a straight line and her eyes looked up at the sky briefly. She leaned over to her husband and he nodded and Valerie stood up, raising her tinkling voice so it could reach over chatter among the table. "I apologize but I must excuse myself. There is work to be done before the night becomes too ripe." She waves a graceful goodbye, picking up her intricate and delicately woven robes. She turns and Chief Windfall leans on the table with his elbows. "About sending people to defend Snowlight, I think this topic should be discussed now instead of later. the sooner the better, don't you agree?" He raised one eyebrow. Rashel didn't agree yet said nothing and resumed talking with her parents about her survival story.

Angela looked in the Chief's direction. "Yes, sooner is preferable but before we discuss that, if you dont mind, i have one problem.. the sky." as soon as Angela said it, Ciel noticed it too. His eyes widened slightly. Angela continued. "Why is it getting dark so suddenly? Nightfall shouldnt be for a few more hours."

The Chief looked up and stood up so fast, the chair knocked backwards. Issac swiftly moved, stepping towards his father. "Dad-" Isaac got out before the Chief held up his hand. "It's a dragon from the mainland. It's ventured far, whether accidentally or purposely, I do not know."

Rashel stood up slowly. "What should we do?" She asked, a fierce tone in her voice.

Her parents began standing up as well, ready to run at any moment if needed.

Angela felt a sinking feeling in her chest, a feeling of fear that made her limbs heavy. Usually, with her powers, she could easily outmatch a dragon. But without them? She wasn't so sure. Ciel looked towards the abnormally darkened sky, and said, "Do you hear that? it sounds.... it sounds like screeching."Ciel's words quivered slightly. He had never seen a dragon, but if the stories were true... "We can either run... or fight."

Screams ripped throughout the village. "I need to get Valerie, but I'll round up the men. The main focus is protecting the village. Protecting the crops and praying that the dragon doesn't breath it's fire among us. Dragons shouldn't venture this far from the mainland." Windfall's lips drew downwards slightly and Isaac cussed under his breath. "I'll round up some of the men. Then I'll try and get everyone under control." Rashel looked at Isaac like he was a three headed snake. "That's impossible. We need to fight back. We need to scare a dragon away." She looked at Ciel for support.

Isaac scowled at her momentarily and then scoffed once she finished talking. "Now /that/ sounds utterly ridiculous. Scare a dragon? What the hell do you think it's scared of?"

Chief Windfall had already made his way to the main tent, he was already in the process of securing things and he needed his wife's help to do so. Falcon stood motionless, his arms crossed over his chest. He looked amused.

Ciel said "I dont fully understand what's going on, but... How would we scare a dragon?!" Angela shook her head. "If only I still had my powers... I could kill it easily. Isaac, to kill a dragon you need a weapon rubbed with the ashes of burned dragon scales OR a weapon blessed by a spirit angel OR angelic abilities. Unless you have one of these, we cannot kill it. Rashel is right. We may be able to scare it off.." (continued in next post)

Angela continued. "There is a potion.. if dragon takes it in, its mind goes into a state of shock, and it will flee from any flames it sees. We need to make a large fire, and we need to gather ingredients for the potion. But.. there is one large downside to this plan... and i wish we had other options..."

Rashel waited for Angela to continue. Isaac was displeased by the difficult task of slaying a dragon but what did he expect? Its a fucking dragon.

"This potion is a creation of spirit, and the thing is.. in order for it to work.. we need a sacrifice." She concluded with a sorry expression. Ciel's jaw dropped open.

"A sacrifice of? Something specific?" Rashel urged on. Isaac rolled his eyes. Falcon smirked slightly.

"It can be either a human or an elf." She said.

Rashel fell silent and Isaac had nothing to add.

"Someone drinks the potion... we have to hang them high in the air, and when the dragon devours them, it gets affected by the potion and flies away..."

Rashel's parents were out of sight, making way to their crops and taking cover, trying to calm as many people as they could along the way.

Ciel stepped closer to Angela. "I.. I'll do it." He said. Angela shook her head.."You are not.. pure. You are of a mutant race. It won't work."

Ciel heard the screeching get closer. "We have to do something, we have to think and do it fast!" He shouted.

"No one is going to want to do it. Angela. How thick can you be?" Falcon rolled his eyes.

Angela responded to Falcon. "I was just voicing an idea. Do you have any ideas?" she asked him sternly.

"I don't mean to sound to harsh but we should really think about sacrificing a sickly elf." His expression became hard and Rashel's face fell. Isaac looked at the ground, sadness clouding his expression.

Angela asked the nature angel, "Do you have anyone specific in mind?"

Falcon shrugged. "Does it honestly matter? One of us can go and pluck a body, their fate is doomed either way." Falcon adjusted his robes. Rashel's palms became sweaty and she anxiously looked around. Isaac looked up towards the sky, contemplating the options laid out before him. Time was running and it didn't wait.

The screeching echoed loudly and large ball of fire appeared from the sky, burning part of the village. "Theres no time to think about it, just do it Falcon!" Ciel said. Shrieks of people who were hit by the flames could be heard in the background.

Isaac put on a calm face and straightened his shoulders. "I need to round up my men and help the wounded. I need to help the village to the best of my abilities." Without waiting for an answer, he turned and left.

Ciel's words snapped Rashel back to reality. "Lets go." Falcon twitched his hands, grabbing and unclenching the robes. "Rashel comes with me. We will be back in 15 minutes. Ciel and Angela should gather ingredients."

Angela nodded. "Let's make haste." She said as she pulled Ciel along into the nearby woods. It took them maybe ten minutes to gather the needed barries, leaves and herbs. They came back to the place where rashel and falcon had told them to wait. Angela took the ingredients from ciel and mixed them in a glass jar.

Rashel and Falcon walked quickly, Rashels dress dragging in the mud. She tried to hold it up but it was no use and eventually, she let it go. Falcon was murmuring to himself. "Sick. Sick. Sacrifice the sick. Sacrifice-sick-sacrifice." Rashel paid no mind to his words but she glanced at the state of his colorful to robes. "Where were you, really?" Rashel spoke, clear and confident. There were frantic screams, crying toddlers and worry stricken mothers. Falcon was quiet for a moment, thinking about how to answer. Another fire began a couple huts away. Rashel could feel the heat emitted and smell the burning of leaves. "Forest. Trees. They were buzzing- but not the buzzing any Nature Elf could hear. It's forgotten language. Forgotten. Buzzing. I tried to decipher. Decode. Forgotten code. It was a warning." Falcon's hands were wringing his robes, pulling and stretching. His jaw was set in a stern form.

They knew time was running out. Just a little less than ten minutes left.

Falcon and Rashel followed the path to the sickly. It smelled like urine and fecal matter. Blood was also a strong odor.

Angela mashed and mixed the ingredients together with a sort of stick in the jar. Ciel stood around feeling useless watching Angela mix in the ingredients. Ciel handed her a few of the deep purple berries she had picked. Ciel silently wished rashel and falcon would arrive soon as the dragon's roars grew louder and closer. Angela souted, "finished!" As she closed the jar so it wouldnt be contaminated and waited for the others to arrive.

Upon entering the sickly section, it was like entering a whole new world of wrong and doom. Rashel felt pressure on her chest. What if she became sick? What if one of these viruses wiggled its way into her body and contaminated everything? The thought scared her and she wondered how she could be in a hero prophecy if she was such a coward...Falcon glanced at her and then scanned the crowd. Bodies were leaning against each other. The sickly helping the sickly. Falcon couldn't pity them, he was an angel of Nature and sickness and death were a natural happening. He tuned into his powers, searching for an ill elf with not much long to life. Falcon squinted his eyes, focusing.

He guessed that the others would like someone educated on the fact that they were going to die unless sacrificed. A tingling sensation was at the back of his mind. It was difficult deciphering it but he realized that it was guiding him. Real hallucinations or not, he followed. Rashel followed, not sure about what she should be looking for.

Falcon face scrunched up and he scoffed, mumbling to himself. Couldn't Nature just use words?

The directions and odd hallucinations stopped, oddly, at a young and thin body. The body of a child whose skin was paper white.

Rashel sucked in a sharp breathe. The child was missing sections of hair and it wasn't as black as the healthy nature elves. It was a dull gray color and his lips were chapped and his skin bruised. It was one of the saddest things Rashel could see.

Falcon tilted his head. "Hello, Wya." The child's head shook as it looked up at Falcon. One eye was cloudy white and it was unfocused. Rashel felt awkward and tried to look away but couldn't. "How'd you know my name?" The child mumbled. "I'm an angel." Falcon sat down in a dirt covered stool. The boys voice held a to e of defeat. "An angel? Visiting me?" His frail body was clothed in thin cotton and his collarbones stuck out of one of the holes. "You're wise, aren't you?" Falcon kindly smiled. The boy smiled back and nodded. The angel held out his hand. "Would you like to see the world?" Wya smiled wider, and Rashel could see missing teeth.

She didn't agree with Falcon and his decision but she couldn't waste anymore time arguing. When Wya placed his clammy palm upon Falcons, Falcon bonded with Wya. He spoke in Wyas mind, telling him the mission and its important purpose.

They made their way back to the meeting place. Many had tried to flee but being on an island with a thousand trees it was fairly difficult. It was as if they had to wait for their doom. The child held onto Falcon's multi-colored, tattered robes and Rashel stood beside them, looking miserable.

Ciel walked next to Rashel. He looked at her but didn't say anything, didn't need to. There was enough going on around them that he figured anything he said would be drowned out, lost amongst the current events. He just stood next to her, letting her know he was there, and that she wasn't alone. Angela looked at the child, and then at Falcon. "Here," she said, handing Falcon the potion. "Help me get him ready."

Falcon nodded and he kneel on the ground. Wya didn't let go of the robes. Falcon gave a reassuring smile and handed the potion to the child. Rashel cast a glance beside her and a faint smile crossed her features. She found the strength to push the worry out of her body. She needed to believe they were going to defeat this thing. Wya wrapped thin, bony fingers around the bottle. He drank, his expression twisting. Falcon read the boys thoughts. "A bit like nasty medicine...?". Wya nodded as he handed the empty container to Falcon. Falcon set it on the ground and thanked the boy silently.

Angela looked at Wya, and motioned to a wooden post nearby. "We can tie him to that and hoist him up like a flag." She said. The dragon's roars seemed to be even closer now and she saw a ball of flame destroy a nearby cabin. "Oh shit!" Ciel yelled as the trees near the cabin started to catch fire. He held his hand out and was able to stop the fire with ice. Angela lead the boy Wya to the post and knelt down, securing him to it. "I'm so sorry..." She said quietly.

Wya only smiled. "Don't be sad. I'll be okay." Rashel's hands reached up and covered her mouth. She had to avert her eyes from the heart wrenching scene. All the while this was happening, Isaac was busy trying to direct groups of people away from where the most chaos was. He commanded the other soldiers to help the villagers instead of trying to fight. Many were outraged, saying that fighting was helping. Isaac used a stern tone as he told them to trust him. He was, after all, their leader. Falcon shut his eyes, murmuring small prayers.

Angela smiled sadly at the child and looked towards Falcon with a pained expression. When he saw that the fire was put out, his attention returned to what was happening with Wya. He felt sorry that they had to do this and wished desperately that there was another way, but he could think of no other. Somewhere far off in another tribe, a young man was preparing for his first summoning. Everyone gathered around as he began to swing his staff around ceremonially.

Rashel instinctively began to back away, her head turned away. Falcon followed but let his gaze remain on the scene that was about to happen. The dragon swooped lower and lower. The strong winds from the dragons wings fed the fires more. They grew and Rashel screamed to Angela. "Run!"

Angela got up from her kneeling position and ran toward where Rashel, Ciel, and Falcon were standing. The dragon screeched as it came closer to the top of the trees. It passed the threshold of the trees and Angela could see a blur of dark blue and Wya was gone and time seemed to freeze. The dragon looked down and saw the smoke. Frightened and under the effects of the potion, it flew away.

Rashel had her eyes closed and her face was tilted away. She couldn't bare looking at what they all agreed to do and what Nature had helped with. What kind of thing could Nature be if they had helped kill? Falcon didnt flinch and instead whispered another prayer.

Angela walked over to where Wya used to be and held out her arms in a small prayer to emotion. "Please, save him." Angela said in her mind to Emotion. Because her powers were gone, she was unsure of whether or not it would reach Emotion but figured it was worth a try. Ciel looked away from what happened, hoping to spare himself the feelings of sickness that would surely come with such an event.

A few hours passed and things were finally calm. The Chief had called for a tribe gathering at high noon tomorrow, in front of the tent that Rashel and the others had previously gathered in. There were elves lending space in their homes to other elves, the fires had been extinguished, and the soldiers had begun to clean up any messes but the Chief said that all would have to be continued dawn the next day.

As the sun lowered, the sky was blackening and Rashel pulled up her dress so she could walk without tripping over the fabric. She was quiet, absorbed into her own thoughts. Her parents flanked her, murmuring about where to begin with tomorrow and how they could possibly sleep.

Falcon had gone back into the thick forest, bidding them all a good night's rest. Isaac had smeared ash on him and was preoccupied in his plans for tomorrow. He didn't speak to anyone but his father. Chief went over what was to be discussed tomorrow at the meeting and Valerie was safe at their home, waiting for her son and husband.

Angela and Ciel walked together, following behind Rashel and her parentd. In the almost-too-sudden absence of the flames, the air around them seemed cool and crisp. Tiny flakes of ash still danced around them, swept up into the air with every movement they made.

"Rashel," Ciel called to the elf, "I'm going back to the cabin for the night." The day's events had utterly drained him yet again. Angela yawned and said that she was rather tired as well. On the way to the cabin, Ciel and Angela walked past a medical tent which seemed to be full of coughing elves. Ciel saw an elf with burnt skin being rushed into the tent before he lost interest and decided to keep looking forward.

When they got in the cabin, Ciel plopped down on the couch. "You can take the bed Angela, it's my turn to take the couch anyway, isn't it?" Angel sighed "I really don't care..."

It took Ciel around a half hour to fall asleep, but angela stayed awake for what felt like forever, remembering all of the innocent lives that were hurt or even ended by the dragon. Through the haze of her tired mind she could hear a faint whisper as she finally fell asleep.

Rashel had shut her eyes, but had not slept. She could still hear the crackling of flames and smell the smoke as it had nestled in the strands of her hair. The morning felt like it came too soon and Rashel's eyes opened at the first glow of the rising sun. Her body was sore and she realized she hadn't dressed out of the dress her mother let her borrow. Her expression turned into a grimace as she smelled more of the smoke and saw ash staining the fabric. She found her parents were already up, their voices a low hum in the kitchen. Rashel moved sluggishly to the bathroom of the hut, preparing a bath.

Angela awoke as light creeped into the small cabin's window. She could still smell the ash in the air and looked down at her clothes, and realized that they were covered in the substance, which she had not noticed the night before. She looked to her left and saw a clock on a stand next to her. "10:32" the clock said. She could hear Ciel's steady breaths on the couch nearby, and knew he was still asleep. When she got up, some of the ash from her clothes fell off and covered the room in the smell, even more strongly than before. Ciel started coughing and woke up. "Ugh... what time is it?" He called to Angela. "10:30." Angela replied as she looked through the room's closet. There were a lot of clothes in the closet, so she picked out a dark-gray t-shirt and black pants, and also a jacket made of hide, and hoped that the tribe wouldn't mind. Ciel sat up on the couch and yawned. He called out to Angela, "I'll be outside if you need me." He walked out the door and sat in a wooden chair in front of the cabin, observing the damage that had been done by the dragon.

As her bath came to an end, so did her far away thoughts. A shaky sigh of relief left her lips as she emerged from the bathroom, leaving behind the ash and memories of last night...despite how difficult it was. She had a mission to do, and the dragon attack wouldn't hold her back. She tied her hair up, high and sleek. She dressed in plain slacks and a baggy tunic. She walked through the kitchen, her parents strapping small knives to their biceps. Her mother didn't wear the bright colors she had first worn, and instead wore a dull dark green. Her father had the same color. He saw her observation and a sad smile appeared on his face. "It's not exactly a day for showing off." Rashel gave a small nod and studied both of them. Her parents...after years of being on her own- she could finally see her parents. She rushed to her father, wrapping arms around his large torso. As much as she tried, she failed to hold tears back. "What if I lost you?" She shuddered. "Rashel, you can't think that way...Look forward. Not back." Jek gently pat her back. Nani placed a hand over her heart and shook her head. "This is only a step to greater things. We need to go...or the Chief might be a little disappointed in the prophet and her family." Nani swiftly planted a kiss on top of Rashel's head and Jek gave a hearty pat. The elf nodded and wiped her tears away, keeping her chin high and heading towards the tent with her family. The trees were eerily more quiet than yesterday and it sent a shiver down her spine. Approaching the village, she could already see the crowd...wearing dull colors that gave a sad contrast to the bright trees around them. The smell of ash still hung heavily around them and the charred homes were a painful sight. But still, she kept her chin high as she walked with her parents through the crowd which cleared a path for her.

Angela stepped out onto the porch and stretched her arms. "There's a gathering over at the Chief's tent. We should attend," She said to Ciel. Ciel breathed a heavy sigh. "I know. It's just..." He remembered Rashel. "It's going to be so awkward... Rashel's pissed at me for no reason." Angela shook her head. "That's not true. There has to be a reason." She looked him in the eyes. "Whatever it is... You both need to work it out soon. In the end, emotion and friendship are fragile things that must be tended to." Her gaze then returned to the bright-blue sky, a contrast to the deep green leaves of the trees and ash-covered ground near the scorched buildings. She began walking down the path to the tent. "I'm going, with or without you." Ciel got up and called out to the angel, "W-Wait up!" He ran until he caught up to her, and matched her pace until they reached the crowd around the Chief's tent. "Excuse us," Ciel said, and the crowd parted, allowing them to enter.

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swampgallows · 6 years ago

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therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her.

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose.

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it.

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it.

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating. it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

#blathering

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