#i don't really blame them but i'm a little concerned about whatever sources they were using for research

[honeysuckle-venom]

Yeah okay in chapter 2 the dr literally said that integration "is extremely rare and not medically advised in DID cases." So...yeah I can't fucking read this lol. Like that's just...a lie. It's just not true and it's harmful and annoying. Time to read something else.

Oh the author had been doing so well and then had a line about how supposedly integration can be very bad for people and hasn't been proven effective. Hasn't been proven effective??? What does that even mean??? I absolutely do not think that people need to integrate if they don't want to, but if you do want to it is absolutely a valid and safe and effective approach to healing! As evidenced by yours truly, someone who has mostly fused and really really likes it that way!

[feyriejane]

"Oh, please!" I exclaim, laughing. "We both know I'm the dominant one in this relationship." He scoffs at this assertion, his good nature taking the joke without offense. "Maybe not sexually, but with everything else."

"Yeah, well, you like it that way. You like to be in control." He says, thinking he's revealing a truth about myself that I don't even know. There's a smug grin in his voice that tells me that I can't lie to him.

...

Something about this comment makes me stop in my tracks. It feels wrong, like he's speaking about someone else. Some other powerhouse of a woman who demands what she wants and needs and doesn't settle for any less. He makes a joke, but I don't hear it. Something about how I'm spoiled and insist on having everything go my way. If I had heard this wasp of a comment, maybe I would've been stung by it.

If he is wrong, who can blame him? After all, I've spent my whole life building my identity around being bossy, assertive, organized. I'm the one who has it all together. I'm the one who keeps the ship running. I'm the one who delegates responsibility and picks up whatever slack there is.

In some ways, I can't help it. I was a third parent to three little boys my whole childhood. More often, I was the second or even first parent. To this day, I am the first person my baby brothers call when they need help, not our actual parents. All four of us were let down by the very first people we were supposed to be able to trust and I was the one who picked up all of the pieces.

But do I like being this way? I used to think so. I used to take pride in it. There used to be a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment that came with saying "Don't worry, I've got it!" And for a while, I really did have it!

Until I didn't.

Our grandmother died and my baby brothers, now practically men, called me crying and asking for support. I lifted them up and took care of them and held them while they cried and cracked jokes when they didn't want to cry. My dad lectured me extensively about how much those boys need me. I should be available to them, regardless of distance or time.

I felt myself start to splinter and crack. The very foundations of who I am threatened to crumble. I was hurting and my hurt was so obviously last on anyone's list of priorities, even my own. My dad tells me all the time about how he doesn't worry about me. How he knows I have a good head on my shoulders. How he sees what a survivor I am.

The truth is, I have been unraveling ever since. It has been nearly ten months and I've spent that whole time not only grieving the loss of a dear family member, but fighting tooth and nail to learn how to prioritize myself without neglecting the people that rely on me.

I come back to what he said about me. "You like to be in control." I come back to the question in my head. "Do I like being in control?"

...

"You okay?" He asks, concerned. I have been silent for a long time.

...

I don't like being in control. In fact, I think I hate it. What was once a source of pride for me has become my shackles, dragging me down to the earth, to everything I am, to everything I wish I wasn't. I am desperate to someone to release me, to let me collapse into their arms, to carry me gently to a warm spot where I can rest and recover.

But how do I even begin to share this with anyone? How do I tell him that I wish he would take over the management of our relationship? How do you tell someone that you need them to make the plans and anticipate your needs? Is that even a fair thing to ask for? More than that, how do I let myself give the control to someone else when I'm not confident that they can handle it like I do?

How do you let yourself trust the people you love?

...

"I'm sorry for calling you spoiled. That was probably a little too far." He says, trying to make a guess at the reason behind my silence. Here is a man who isn't perfect, but is trying. He worries about me and all of the things I don't tell him. I don't tell him a lot and I think he knows. If there's anyone who I can talk to about this, it should be him.

"Actually," I start, my heart pounding in my chest. I know this is important. I know this is a step in the right direction. I know this is where I heal my wounds. All it takes is a few words, a conversation, an admittance of the truth.

"I don’t like being in control. I hate it."

"Oh... I'm sorry."

"Yeah. I want to talk about that now if that's okay."

"I'm listening."

...

Just like that, my chains feel a little more manageable.

[husbandohunter]

Moments of Despair #1 [Genshin Impact/Diluc x Reader]

Synopsis: “The man who was on fire and realized it too late.”

(A series of works where the boys deal with the passing of their beloved).

Albedo's despair

Warnings: angst, tragedy, major character death, graphic depictions of violence perhaps

(A/n): Had these ideas for a while after reading @/serensama To Mourn series of another fandom. So much sorrow and feeling I just was inspired to write 😫

_______________________________________________

The moment you fell lifeless in Diluc's arms, he wanted to disappear.

It was raining again, he had always despised the rain. How it trickles down the slope of your cheek, like tears falling from the heavens. The sight of it mixing with your blood creating a thin stream of red rivers flowing beside him. They patter down obnoxiously because time didn't care, the gods don't care, the world didn't care. You were just a small fragile person to their eyes but to him you were his light. A candle that used to shine in his dark world was now dissipitated by the waters of reality.

Many droplets have passed and he was still holding you. Diluc could do nothing but stare. He hadn't shed any tears nor could he make a coherent sound. Perhaps it was because his tears have long run out when his father was held in the very same way. Or it was because he was heartless. He's usually told for being cold and indifferent. But the pain clenching in his chest was proof that he still had one (proof that it was still beating), much to his dismay. It would be better if he didn't.

So why can't he just look away? Your wounds, your bruised features, everything now etched so deep into the back of his conciousness that is was starting to awaken his worst nightmares. They were the source of the bile growing in his stomach. The irony stench filling up his nostrils felt so sickening. He couldn't turn away. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead. As if reality had yet to register, or maybe he refused to accept it, Diluc helplessly gazed down your body with blank and empty eyes.

"Master Diluc..."

Jean's voice called out to him pitifully. He rises up with his back turned, ignoring the stares given to him, "Leave. The knights of favonius are not needed here."

"But she's a Mondstadt citizen," The anemo user retorts, slightly taken aback by his impassive reaction, "It's my responsibility to ensure this case doesn't go unnoticed."

Unnoticed. Diluc scoffs in his mind, what a tasteless joke.

"It seems you weren't listening," he announces as his head was turned ajar so they could see the deep hatred glowing red in his eyes, "Leave. Now."

Jean's lips trembled before barely being able to say, "Alright" and retreating her knights back to the city. Kaeya narrows his gaze at his bother, the sorrow was evident through his pupils. He steps forward until he was arms length away from his brother. Too little too late, another failure was added to the belt.

Kaeya was a man of many words but for once he was at loss of what to say. No underhanded suggestions, no ideas taunting him to spill his thoughts, he simply asks Diluc, "What are you planning to do now?"

Silence. Kaeya couldn't predict what sort of expression his brother was making as he looks at your corpse. It brought a heavy weight of unsettlement upon him and here he thought he had already grown used to his brother's quietness.

Slowly, he turns around while letting the water pour down his face. Kaeya tightens his jaw as Diluc drags his feet towards him, stopping when their shoulders were parallel, "It's none of your concern."

"You're just going to leave her here?"

There was a slight pause which was enough of an answer. The Cavalry Captain sighs when he watched him walk away, what was the point of asking when Kaeya knew Diluc so well? He glances at your form before swiftly shutting his eyes.

It was his concern.

-------

A week later, the staff of the Ragnvindr household could hardly recognize their Master's appearance. They knew not to bother him when he decides to lock himself in his chambers. Diluc drowns himself with work from hours to no end as he connects the findings of the person that took your life. As expected, it was one of his enemies- a fatui member. The question was, which one?

"Master Diluc, I beg of you, please take care of yourself," Elzer pleads.

The pyro user didn't bother to spare him a glance or look at the tray of food he carried.

Food...you always brought them whenever he had to work overtime.

"I do not remember specifiying anyone to be allowed in my office," he voices aloud, "If it's related to business affairs simply leave that with Adelinde and I'll take a look at it tomorrow."

"I understand. But you've been working all day and night yet refusing to take any breaks in between. At this rate, you'll harm your health."

The feather pen in his grip kept dragging it's course, "This is beyond the duties assigned to you Elzer."

"That's because it was a request sent by your father," he adds, knowing that stepping over his boundaries may cost him, "If Master Crepus was still here, I'm sure he would have said the same thing."

Taking a deep breath, Elzer lays out his last card, "And also your wife."

The pen slows into a halt.

No one had brought you up until now. Elzer anxiously watches his Master shifting in his seat, his red bangs covering half of his face but he could still see the frown pressing firmly on his lips. It wouldn't be a surprise if Diluc suddenly bursted at him for mentioning such a sensitive topic, all that matters was his master's well being and Elzer was willing to risk everything for it. But nothing. Diluc turns his attention ever so slightly at the tray he carried.

"Fine, but I'm not eating that."

"What? Wasn't this was her favourite-"

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

Elzer furrows his brows before sighing, "...No, Master Diluc."

He exits the room while carrying the fresh dish of Once Upon A Mondstadt that you loved so much. The door closes with a soft click and he was alone again.

People found it strange how Diluc seemed so vacant to your passing. He didn't even show up at your funeral. Instead, he continues his duties as a Mondstadt nobleman like usual while taking care of business matters associated with the winery. Except those who were close to him could see the difference in his actions. Apathy, he was so mechanical in every task he did. Like a marionette attatched on strings, a doll without a soul. After all, his soul died the moment when yours did too. What remains was a shadow of Diluc and a being existing solely for revenge and duty. He was nothing but a remnant.

Fatigue begins to wash over him and he fights to stay awake. Because once he gives in it will all be over. Once he closes his eyes, he would see your face with a multitude of images from the past. He would hear your voice calling out his name from a distant space as it echoes off the walls of his mind. He would fall into a dream where you were still with him and as always, waking up to see that it was never real.

I should have pushed you away.

Because what hurt Diluc the most wasn't that you were gone, rather, it was how you were still here.

Then you'd still be-

Something breaks and it turned out to be the pen he was holding so tightly. Only now Diluc realized how fast his heart was thrumming as beads of sweat began rolling down his forehead. Focus. Don't waste time. He won't grant himself the liberty of anything when your murderer was still on the run. Every wound they inflicted on you was going to be returned in tenfold. He'll make sure of it. That's why, he refuses to think about you at all. Diluc occupies his mind with other matters since at this point, work was the only efficient method of keeping his sanity in tact.

She needs you to focus.

The door opens and Kaeya enters the room while holding a document, "We found the guy."

His reaction was immediate, "Where?"

"Hm, now that we meet, it's actually quite debateable," The captain notes wryly, "When was the last time you've gotten proper rest?"

"I don't have time for this, either you tell me or I'll do it by force."

Kaeya couldn't help but sigh, "Apologies but you don't seem to be in any state for a fight. I'm sure you know how it would end up if you were to face your enemy right now."

"..."

"Diluc, this isn't healthy," Kaeya asserts, it's been a while since he sounded so sincere, "I'm not here to prevent you from doing what's necessary however, perhaps it would be better if I finished it in your stead."

"No," Diluc stubbornly answers, "Hand that over."

"...Heh, then there's really nothing I can do to stop you it seems," he whispers with a sad smile, "At the very least, be careful."

"I intend to," The pyro user snatches the paper parchment out of Kaeya's hands before opening the window, "Also, if Elzer returns, tell him there's a few errands I have to take care of."

The night was a full moon and the sky was empty, Diluc leaps off the edge and disappears into the darkness. There was no telling of what could happen next. Since you weren't here, it was up to Kaeya to watch over him.

-------

The claymore dropped to the ground with a clang as it soaks up the blood of the fatui he just killed.

Diluc was tired, so tired.

He slumps down against the wall from pure exhaustion, all that adrenaline and hatred went up in fumes, leaving behind whatever was left in his heart: nothing. Two hours, not even that far from Mondstadt, the fatui hid in an abandoned building as he cowarded for his life. When Diluc arrived, he never expected this monster to be so weak. This was the person who murdered you? A pathetic nobody that was simply following orders? This was the reason why he lost you forever?

In the end, the only one to blame was himself, for being weak and unable to protect you. He was supposed to be your hero ("Darknight hero," you'd always tease), the rock that shields you just as you had been the warmth he longed for many years, did he give you enough? Was this enough? He thought avenging your death would grant him a peace of mind and the justice you deserved but deep down, he knew it will never be enough when it comes to his love for you.

"Diluc."

He closes his eyes, he hears your voice. He was so tired, it wouldn't be a surprise if he started hallucinating.

"Diluc."

"I'm sorry..."

The man lets out a trembled breath as he apologized to the image of you in his mind. I'm sorry I failed you. They were repeated like a mantra in hopes to reach you somehow. Of course that was impossible, his feelings, his emotions, love and sorrow altogether will never reach you again. And your arms that once comforted him and brushed his hair with a soothing voice, saying everything will be okay, where are they now?

"Diluc."

"Stop," he didn't want to hear your voice.

"Diluc, I'm here."

"Stop..."

"Diluc..."

He jolts his eyes open and lets out a yell, what was he saying? He doesn't know. All he needed now was to drown out the fake voices mocking in his head. Diluc grabs the nearest object and shatters it against the floor, the dam was broken and it flooded uncontrollably, breaking everything in it's way. The abandoned house was filled with loud cries of a man sobbing with agony like a broken-hearted child. He crumbles to his knees and falls to his side, lifting his forearms while clutching his face.

And screamed.

Archons, what did he do to deserve this? Why do the people he cherish get taken away from him? Diluc never wanted to be the Darknight hero if it meant having his father perish in his arms. He didn't want the feeling of stabs against his chest with every breath he took. He didn't want to feel cold while knowing it was because you weren't here to hold him. He didn't want your voice, your pictures or your memory.

He wanted you.

"(Y/n)..." he chokes. Rolling to his back, Diluc moves his arms to cover his eyes, letting the tears run down to his ears, "(Y/n)..."

For who knows how long, he lays there in the abandoned building and mourns. Diluc doesn't have the strength to move from his position, he found himself staring mindlessly through the cracks of the roof when his voice had gone hoarse. The corners of his eyes still burned and his head was throbbing with so much pain. Maybe he should just stay here but the thought of being in the same room as your murderer was unfathomable.

Picking up his claymore once again, Diluc drags himself out of the door. Where would he go? It's not like he had a home to return to because home was when he was with you. A doll without a soul, the marionette moves as if the strings have commanded him to do so. Where ever it takes him, he didn't care. He just knew he had to go.

[startreckobsessed]

Let you go

Hi! Can i make a request? 🥺 For AOS Leonard Mccoy? With a lil bit of TOS Old Spock. Should probably set on Into Darkness, Bones and reader broke up between the event of the first and second film, so bones was a bit unbothered to flirt with Dr.Marcus (he’s trying to make reader jealous). Old spock talk them out of their misery by telling them that they’re story was quiet unique because in his timeline they didn’t even met, so they should cherish it. (Or whatever, as long as spock intervenes). They talk, and made up. And oh, fluff. Emotional tear jerking fluff. Thank you thank you!!

I have this idea (this was supposed to be a different request, but hey! ), that reader used to date and was in love with this hotshot before she met Leonard. Said ex died in action as a honored captain. Reader was devistated. Again this was supposed a different request, but you can make it as a back story. Can i make this my second request? Hehe 🥺😅

@lykxzandlove Thank you for requesting darling, and thanks for your patience, this one really faught me haha. If you recognise some of the dialogue it's from thirteen reasons why.

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST. I may or may not have cried while writing this.

[[READ MORE]]

You stood in rank dressed in your grey uniform, cap framing your line of vision, shoulder to shoulder between checkov and Sulu as you gazed up at the podium where captain pike was speaking.

"Exceptional courage, is what drives us....

And our crew, is what fuels us..."

Your crew had just finished the first two year leg of your mission. A long two years...

"Let's take a moment to pay tribute to past captain's whom have made the ultimate sacrifice..." the images roll, and a firmiliar face flashed before your eyes and you suck in a breath, squeazing your eyes shut to keep your tears at bay.

You breath out carefully out of your nose, trying desperately to keep the sudden onslaught of emotions contained.

People told you time would numb it, but even give years later, the pain was still fresh and raw each and every time you heard his name, or saw his picture pop up in your records.

You gritted your teeth, struggling to ground yourself in this moment, focusing on your feet on the ground.

You blinked harshly, lifting your face and focusing your attention on captain Pike.

You don't fail to notice the doctors face turned toward you, no doubt brows mashed together over concerned eyes. The urge to meet his eyes and sink into their depths is nearly overpowers your will, but you hold strong, chin high.

------

You had never meant to fall for Leonard. You were deep in it before you even realised what was happening. You were complacent with where you were, some people go their entire lives without knowing true love, you got yours. You didn't feel the need for a new one. But there he came, blazing and true like a comment blasting across the black abyss your crew so faithfully piloted. It happened so naturally, slipping through your defences so you never noticed it.

Until it was too late, and both of you had been wounded in the process.

----

"Sweetheart?" Leonard called from behind you. You cursed silently, slowly turning to face him, trying to keep the guilt off your face as you turned to face him. "You should probably stop calling me that.." You said softly. He frowned, and not the way you liked when he was being sardonic or adorably frustrated with the captain, this one was real.

"Sorry." He said "habit. Are you alright? You left the ceremony yesterday so quickly..." you shake your head, looking away from him. "Fine, I'm fine." You said, swiftly turning and walking away from him. He frowned, looking after you, not noticing his hand was slightly extended, reaching out for you.

------

Later that day, you made your way down to the mess hall, spotting the old Ambasseter Spock, sitting alone by a window. You go through and get your food before approaching the table, greeted by a warm smile.

"Hello ambassator, " you awenered with your own. "Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all Y/N. Your company has always always been welcome." You sit down across from him. "Do tell me, how is the good doctor doing." Your fork freezes near your mouth before you set it down. "Oh, I don't know." He frowns deeply.

"I can't imagine why not." He says. "We-" your voice cracks. You clear your throat. "Were not together anymore." Suprise flits crosses his face.

"Well, now that can't be right." He says. You grimace, "I know, nothing feels right anymore, it's like reality has been tilted on its hinges, but..."

"If you don't mind me prying..." He prompts. "Go ahead, you can ask."

"What caused the separation?"

"me." You say thickly. Unexpectedly he reaches across the table and pats your hand in a grandfatherly gesture.

"And by my estimation, you do not seem satisfied with the conclusion, correct?" You hesitate before nodding. "Then mabey its time to rethink that course of action?" Your eyes widen before you look down at the table, shame radiating off of you. "I can't do that, I've already hurt him too bad, I still hurt him." You grimace, thinking of the encounter in the hallway. "I don't know how to stop hurting him." You say, more to yourself than to him.

"Then perhapse it's time to discover what is hurting you." He says. You look away into the porthole, into the black inky abyss that you sometimes wished would swallow you up.

"You know, you two are a remarkable pair." You look at him quissicly. "What makes you say that?" "In every universe I've traveled there are differences, the events in a person's life, and how they react to them, shape who they become. In every universe a different set of events happen in both of your lives, and yet every single time, one of the only constants I find are both of you coming together, no matter the space or the time nor the obstacles placed before you, the one constant is your souls coming together. And from what I can tell, it hurts your souls to be apart."

Question bubbles to your lips, but you silence it. "Ask your question, Y/N." You smile grimly. "You know me too well." "Well I've only had two lifetimes to know you."

"Where you come from... what are we like?" He smiles fondly, memories coming back to him. He sighs in a melancholy way.

"Your other self passed on just a few months ago, from a human ailement not yet curable, he blames himself for not being able to save you." Your eyes widened before blinking in shock. "Wow, thats... God how is he?" He frowns even more deeply. "Trying to go day by day, but losing someone one loves so deeply for so long... is not an easy thing to accommodate to." "Well whats.." many questions bubble to your lips at once before deciding on one. "I-Is he alone?" You ask, voice cracking. He shakes his head. "The good captain has come to earth to stay with hm, along with your daughter and grandchildren." "Joanna?" He smiles just slightly. "Well I couldn't give everything away could I?" You bark out a teary laugh and he chuckles. "But time, is so very precious my dear, you yourself told me that after your diagnosis." "Well, at least one of us has sense."

"But to thoroughly awenser your question, might I go over a timeline?" "Yes, I'd like that." You sigh, resting your head on your palm. "You met on this ship, like so many other times...."

--------

A few days later, you smooth down your hair as you look in the mirror. You were ready to come clean with Leonard about everything you've been keeping buried. Your heart thundered at the thought of unearthing the source of so much pain, but you were ready to start again with him, start fresh, open and raw, with no secrets.

You exited your quarters and went looking for him. Your fingers nervously tapped against your legs as you walked, looking for him, first going to the Med bay. Christine greeted you, her brows burrowing when you ask for him. "Oh hun, he's off planet on a mission." "Oh." You say "thank you Christine." You say before dashing off for the bridge, where you knew they'd be monitoring.

The tube doors opened up and you made your way to stand next to the captains chair, where Jim was watching. He greeted you silently with a nod, both of you listening to the audio feed coming in. You asked what they were doing, knowing he could probably hear you being so close to Jim. Jim quietly filled you in. "We found some ancient Clingon battle tech on this planet, were trying to salvage it."

"Well sweetheart, there something I can help you with?" His voice came through painfully clear, flirtatious and laying it on thick. Your heart seized and you swallowed against the lump suddenly stuck in your throat

Jim eyed you warily "Dr. McCoy may I remind you you are not there to flirt." He said in a stern voice, concerned for your feelings. Dr. Marcus' voice rang in. "We've got it, beam us up."

Once you saw him you forgot that you were surrounded by your crewmates, your hurt voice ringing out.

"You... You called her sweetheart." You said, betrayal filling you, eyes filling with tears.

Without another word you took off down the adjoining hallway, Leonard taking off after you. You sped until you were in an abandoned hallway two floors down with him still following.

Your face got hot, embarasment taking hold. You didn't want to cry over a tiny little word.

His eyes widened, regret filling them when he saw how hurt you were. "Baby- " he stopped himself. He only called you baby when he was really concerned.

"No, no I'm sorry. It's okay, Carols great, she's a great person." You forced out, turning to try and walk away. He grabbed your arm spinning you back around. "I don't want Carol. I want you. I'm sorry." You blinked. "So your not ready to move on?" He shakes his head vehidamently. "It was stupid. So stupid. I've never done anything like that in my life. I wanted to make you jealous." It felt like all the air was sucked from your lungs.

"You still want me? After evrything-" he shakes his head. "My god woman, were you listening? Yes! I love you." He breaths, gently squeezing your bicep. "But I- I hurt you! I broke up with you without giving you a reason-" "I know, sweetheart." He says Your heart stopped.

"You know?"

"I know as much as I can guess. But why don't you tell me?" You took a shuddering breath.

"So you know I was on a different ship before this one."

"Yes."

"When I went onto that ship from the academy, I came with the captain. He made it so we'd make it onto the same ship, because we were..."

"together?"

You nodded. "We loved each other. He was my captain, and I was by his side as head of security and defense tactics." He nodded, fingers pressed against his lips as he listened. "One day, we were attacked by an enemy bregade, and crash landed us on a deserted planet. In order to save me, he threw himself in front the lazer that would have incinerated me and two other crew members. They would have killed all of us, all it did was incinerate him.

After he was killed the crew, furious overpowered them, and we survived, but..." You trailed off, before looking back to him. "How did you know?"

He sighed, as if debating telling you something. "As part of protocol, a captain must... gain permission from Starfleet to enter into marriage with another crew mate. His request form was entered just a few days before his death, with your name attached." You stilled, before another wave of emotion crashed over you. A sob escaped you, and you leaned against the wall for support, a hand coming up to try to muffle your cries.

Leonard watched you with glassy eyes, your pain like a twisting knife in his chest. He waited for a moment before slowly inching forward to wrap his arms around you, testing the waters. You pull him closer, wrapping your arms tightly around him, his warmth sinking into your cold body. "I'm sorry." He whispers into your neck. "I'm so sorry." You shake your head, pressing your face into his neck. His scent calmed you, and eventually your breathing slowed as his hands rubbed your back. "I love you." You said, his hands paused, and he untangled himself to look at you, hope in his eyes. "Really?" "Yes, I'm sorry I made such a mess. Do you want to try this again?" You ask. He let out a breathless chuckle before pressing his lips to your forehead. "Yes, God yes." You smile teary eyed, bittersweet joy filling you. You placed your hands on both sides of his face before giving him a slow melting kiss, thumbs stroking his face. "I just have to do something first." You say. His brows crease slightly, but he let's you go. "Okay.." He says uuncertainly

You smile. "I'll come and see you at dinner, okay?" "Yeah, I'll see you."

---------

You entered your quarters without turning on the light, blindly reaching for your padd. It glowed brightly in the darkness of your room, easily finding the picture of him you loved the most, him dashing in his captains uniform hat just a little bit crooked, every inch of him glowing from happiness. Hot thick tears leaked from your eyes as You gently placed your padd on the table in front of your window, his face materializing against the empty black abyss, somewhere where you knew his ashes were scattered, floating forever in the universe, amidst stardust and wonder.

"I love you." You whispered into the silence, looking at him. "Wherever you are, I hope you know that I love you. I hope you know that I'll never not love you... a good friend once told me, I can love you, and still let you go.... I know one day, thinking about you won't hurt so much, and the other feelings will fade, and I'll be only left with love. The way you loved me so fiercly and how i loved you. I'll never forget you i promise, how could I? Even when I'm dying I know you'll come back to me, when I'm old and tired. But there is this amazing man that I love that wants to love me, and I think I'm ready to be happy again. I know you'd want me to be." You looked back at his flickering image

"I hope we meet again. And So, Derek.... I love you, and I let you go. And I hope wherever you are, you feel peace, you feel safe...and I hope you know that I love you." You say, a feeling of weight being stripped off of you makes you feel lighter, and a strange peace settles over you, and somehow you know he hears you.

"I'll never forget you."

[theravenclawrevolutionary]

A Good Omens Fanfic I thought of While Serving Mass because I'm ever so holy.

Sorry that the boys are kinda out of character. I had writer's block while writing but oh well. We don't wait for inspiration we fall like Crowley. Original Bible story linked below. Because as the totally good model Catholic child I am I now think of GO every time I go to mass now.

--------------------------------------------------

There were many things that Crowley enjoyed doing with his infinite amount of free time. There were also many things Aziraphale enjoyed doing with his equally infinite amount of free time. At this particular time, neither thing happened to be each other. Instead, it was alcohol. Drinking extraordinary amounts of it.

“Do… Do ya… Ngk. D’you think that you... you’d wanna do this again later this week Angel?” Crowley slurred, smiling messily over his new sunglasses at his drinking partner who had just taken another sip. “Like… like… erm... Friday or somethin’?” Aziraphale set down his glass and pondered the question for a moment before shaking his head furiously.

“No... no I mustn't,” he said nervously. His fingers, Crowley noticed, we’re tracing anxious patterns onto the table. “We… we... really… No. We ought not to. I mean we really shouldn’ even be here now. After all, if my superiors found out we’d met…And I… I got somethin’ important to do any day now. That young man the Almighty sent for the humans, Jesus, I think his name is?” Crowley nodded shortly, took another swig, and motioned for him to continue, wondering what that had to do with anything. “They haven't told me what yet, but I have to do something."

"F*ck," Crowley yelled, slamming his cup down onto the table so hard it spilled. "F*ck, f*ck, sh*t, f*ck, F*CK! I completely forgot… I gotta go. See ya 'round Angel." And with a slam of the door he left the pub.

“Right. Yes. Erm… see you around I guess," Aziraphale said

With a quick miracle Crowley sobered himself up, straightened his glasses, and stormed off. This Jesus bloke was really messing with plans. Why couldn’t they get Beelzebub or some demon that actually cared to tempt him. But no! As the only bloody demon on Earth it had to be him.

    “Ello,” Crowley said from where he appeared, mericaling himself already leaning casually against a nearby rock. “It’s been what, forty days? Yeah. Somethin’ like that. You’re that Jesus kid ‘m guessing?” The young man in front of him nodded slowly, and absentmindedly ran his fingers through his long dark hair as if not quite sure how to respond. Crowley took it as an invitation to keep talking. “ “Oh come on! You’re not so holier-than-thou that you’re not going to talk to me are you? I’ve got places to go, demon things to do!” Still Jesus said nothing. “So. You humans have to eat and you’ve been here for... however long I forgot about you. I can turn those rocks into bread for you.” 

    He snapped his fingers, momentarily transforming the rocks into freshly baked loaves of bread. With a grin he snapped again, changing them back to the rocks they'd been before. With that he paused and looked at the young man across from him. "Well I suppose you COULD do that yourself, couldn't you. Being the son of the Almighty and all that. That IS something you can do right? Make these stones bread, or whatever it is humans eat these days. Personally, I don't eat. Don't really see the appeal.  But Azira- er... my ah... friend does." For the first time since Crowley had arrived, his companion spoke.

    "'It is written that one does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.' I will not eat your devil food, foul creature." Crowley glared at the young man. He was used to being called many things like The Serpent of Eden which he took as a complement, even if it was only the truth. However, foul creature seemed a bit much, not that it wasn't true either. At least by Jesus' standards.

    "What the f*ck was that for? Name calling isn't all that holy of you. And I haven't even started... oh. You thought that was me trying to tempt you? Please. I have much f*ckin' higher standards than that. Just you wait." Jesus looked at him passively. There was almost no emotion on his face. This offended Crowley, who had wanted to be at least a little impressive. Not, he told himself, that it really mattered. "Anyway," he said, trying to keep his tone light and conversational. "How 'bout a little change of scenery?" With another unnecessary snap of his fingers he brought them to the top of Jerusalem's temple.

    "What are you doing now," Jesus asked, curious against his better judgement. 

    "Changing the scenery," Crowley responded dryly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What did I just say? And don't worry. No one can see us. At least not really. Consider that a little demonic blessing if you will."

    "I don't want it," Jesus said. "I appreciate your concern, but take it off please." Crowley ignored him.

    "On a completely unrelated note I think you should jump. Not that I really want you to die or anything. But it would really help me make sure I've got the right 'Son of God' or whatever. I know it says somewhere in that bible Azir- er my friend from before reads, that if you do that then angels are going to catch you or something. Something about not letting your foot dash against a rock or something."

“Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test'. You will never win Raphael Once Angel of the Lord.”

"Huh," Crowley said, grimacing for a millisecond before covering it with a half smirk. "That... that's a name I haven't heard in millennia. But the thing is I can't very well put the 'Lord my God' to the test if I'm fallen. I don't really have much of a god anymore." Jesus pursed his lips and crossed his arms but said nothing. Clearly Crowley had a point, even if he didn't want to admit it.For the third and final time that day Crowley snapped his fingers and brought the two of them back to the desert they originally started in. "Right. Well this is the tempting bit I'm supposed to do. Legally required and all that sh*t."

"Must you use such crude language demon?"

"Yes. Sh*t, F*ck, d*mn, and all that. Plus I have a name. Not one that I'm telling you, but I have one. Now shut up and let me do my thing." Jesus sighed but let him continue. "So if you'd look over there you'll see all the kingdoms in the whole bloody world. I'm supposed to tell you that we'll give you all of them, if you just worship Satan. That's all there is to it. And it's really not so bad. Not IF you get used to it." It was a desperate but required attempt. Crowley didn't really care whether Jesus said yes or no. If he said yes, he'd get a huge commendation. If he said no they'd blame it on the fact that he was the son of the Almighty.

“Get away, demon! It is written: The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve.” 

"Yeah. Thought that was gonna happen. Coulda gone worse. See ya 'round kid. And just a warning. Things are gonna get a LOT worse after this. Just don't blame me for it. Pretty sure an angel's supposed to show up around here some time in the near future." With a final grin flashed in Jesus' direction and a wave of his hand for dramatic effect Crowley turned into his snake form and slithered away. One hour and several minutes later a slightly flustered angel who had been on earth for quite some time arrived.

"Oh dear... I'm ever so sorry. I... I had something I had to finish doing. Did I... did I keep you waiting long Lord?" Jesus smiled kindly down at Aziraphale.

"No Principality Aziraphale. Not long. Come, sit. Let us eat." Beaming, Aziraphale sat beside the savior of the world, who made a mental note about that 'something' the angel had mentioned. Jesus, son of the Almighty and savior of the Earth, would have bet everything then and there that Aziraphale's 'something' he'd been doing was the demon that had left.

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[youredoingkinwrong]

Can you talk a little bit more about your transition from being in denial/not wanting to be fictionkin, to being comfortable with it and having as many kintypes as you have and continuing to consider more? I'm still in the "I don't want this" phase and not wanting to believe in it, and I haven't seen many other people talking about that experience. What was it like for you at first?

Of course! A fair warning though - this was quite a few years ago, so my recollection probably won’t be perfect. 

So, I used to run in some pretty infamous circles when I was in my teen years. I liked to get into frequent discourse (usually about transgender topics - if the terms “truscum” or “tucute” mean anything to you: I was right in the thick of it.) and because of my attitude, I tended to group together with other likeminded folks. 

Because I was young, I trusted my older friends to know more about topics that I wasn’t well-versed in. At the time, “kin” was just something I associated with the “other side” - so there was no way there was any real ground to it, right? The people I trusted had told me it was bullshit, so I believed them. I will admit though, I was a little hesitant to go along with what they said. I had marginally looked into otherkin at the time and I thought it had perfectly described a lot of my own life. I secretly didn’t mind otherkin, but at the time I did believe fictionkin was complete bull.

But that didn’t really last for long. I joined a Skype group (Skype! God! I’m old!) with a few people I knew, and a few people I didn’t know very well - and some of them were otherkin and fictionkin. Upon interacting with them, I very quickly realized that maybe the stuff I had blindly believed... wasn’t very accurate. So I ended up doing my own research, meeting other people, and started thinking more for myself. I still didn’t know how I felt about fictionkin, but I was finally in a place where I could comfortably call myself otherkin.

(For the record, I’ve long since left the discourse circles I started in. I think most of the people I used to know have also moved on and grown to be better people. At least, I hope so!)

So I got closer with my fictionkin friends, and I heard about their experiences: how they confirmed, what it felt like to be fictionkin, what it meant to them, etc. At this point I knew better than to just blindly listen to whatever people told me (even if I deemed them a higher authority than myself, I still liked to do my own research), but I still hadn’t felt a specific connection to a fictional character or anything like that. I had a feeling I was fictionkin but I didn’t know who or why or how. I was very concerned with the why and how for a long time, tbh.

Long story short for that phase of my life: I got used to fictionkin mostly by being around people who identified as fictionkin, listening to what they had to say, and perhaps most importantly, just being their friend? Once you humanize a concept, it becomes a lot easier to understand. I guess what mattered was not that they were fictionkin, it was that they were my friends. 

Not to get too sentimental or anything. I haven’t talked to most of these people in years. But I will always remember that they helped open the door for me. 

I discovered my first actual kintype around... oh, it was like a few months to half a year? after really coming to terms with fictionkin. Or rather, I started questioning at that time. I genuinely confirmed Luke a few months later. 

I’ll be honest, I know I have... a fair amount of kintypes, if we’re being lenient. I don’t actively seek out characters to kin, though. I just tend to gravitate towards sources that pull me in. My kintypes weren’t all discovered overnight, either - like I said, I’ve been at this for a little while, and at this point I kind of know what to look for. I still make mistakes - I may not be human but by god I’ll fuck up like one! - and that’s fine. Nobody’s perfect. This is all a part of getting to know myself better and better.

So, I get where you’re coming from. Wanting to deny fictionkin, I’ve been there - I wouldn’t blame you for continuing to write it off as too bizarre. It’s a weird, nebulous experience that apparently nobody on this godforsaken website can agree on, and Luke Skywalker here just told you that he used to willingly self-identify as something called “truscum” (cringe), so like, no judgement here. This shit can be pretty bananas. 

Yeesh, I’m not sure if this does more help than harm. Well, I’ve said all that I can really remember, and I don’t want to bore you with the rest of my ‘kin experience (a whole lot of “Shit, not this again,”), but if you’re curious and want to know more then my askbox (and my DM’s!) are always open.

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Little Big Things (1/4)

(@ricksanchezdwc) So like we had done not too long ago, me, @hoodoo12 @porkchop-ao3 @rickstexaschick are doing the same prompt cause we all loved the idea.

__________

Chapter 1: The Phyto Princess

Within the span of time it took for him to pull out his portal gun, and type in the coordinates, you had already imagined about a dozen places, and twice as many scenarios.

Rick made it look so easy; twisting dials, and pressing buttons in order to get from point a, to point whatever, but without the proper coordinates and code input, one could scatter their fragments all across the cosmos, without the hope of joining back together all in one piece; the thought often a source of uncalled for anxiety. True, this wasn't like star trek, with its one episode plots, or backstory to reference when you least expected it, but a valid concern that you had yet to address; you blamed it on your curiosity. Having read the notes of Zeta-7s early portal gun schematics, there was the blemish of fear that arose when you least expected it. Sometimes, it didn't feel like it mattered all that much, especially when you were in one of your moods, but more often than not, you hoped Rick would never mess up; or be two cups of coffee short. Contributing factors to your anxiety included the day to day annoyances, time, or how your hair looked that day, but in another one of his attempts to brighten your spirits, he made plans for a surprise adventure; your assumption being anywhere away from buildings or people.

You knew he was trying his best to keep you happy, but you wondered sometimes what he'd say if you told him he didn't have to. It wasn't his job, but you refrained from telling him, because if it weren't for the fact that you trusted and adored Zeta-7, then you would have refused in favor of staying local more often, especially when you weren't in the mood. Oh, but where was the fun in that? Maybe, it'd help; likely it wouldn't.

Today, there were other things the matter, like the doubt which appeared when you recalled the memories from a false dream, and you were confused about what had been the reality and what had been the dream. With thoughts of the past, also came the remembrance of old regrets; many you thought you had buried under reasoning and change, but you were terribly human. You weren't a genius, and you didn't always think about what you'd say before you said them, so you made mistakes; a lot more than you'd care to admit. Because of this, you had been a source of concern, and added to Zeta-7s stress, and this made you stressed because he already had enough on his plate, and this made you worry for his well being. Waves of dread which would wash over you at the thought of getting lost, or forgetting him, misunderstanding, even while gripping his hand as sure and tight as you could when you stepped through the portal were but impediments to your happiness; the worry you felt for scenarios that hadn't occurred, these too fed the monster of anxiety.

It would be okay, you'd say to yourself. It should've been okay, to step through the portal as you had done so dozens of times before, but then there was your heart beating a mile a minute, begging otherwise. You've watched Zeta-7 do it hundreds of times as well, coming out safe and sound, so you could do this, and would do it. Still, what reason did you have to worry or doubt?

Well, there were places no one came back from; you've heard the stories, you listened to Ricks theories, but again they were stories; cautionary tales that taught lessons. And like now, you fought that lingering fear, the tingling in your limbs, the bloom of tightness in your chest, and made sure you still felt Rick's long, thin, bony fingers laced with yours, holding on for dear life while repeating you're little mantra. On the other side he was still there, and you felt his relief, and with your other hand, you shielded your eyes from the resplendence of the sun, until they could adjust to the scene around you. “Rick,” you gasped, glancing a little at everything; your confidence building as delight overcame your anxiety. “where have you taken me?”

This must have pleased him, cause when he smiled, every wrinkle spoke of his laughter, and his electric blues were brimming with happiness.“W-why don't you look and - and see?”

Curiosity got the better of you as you let go, but reassured by his gentle smiles, you explored what was all around you; his warmth one of the best certainties. All around, the landscape stretched, it curved and there were bends a little ways ahead; you could smell hints of petrichor, and the ground fertile and verdant, with patches of silver grass which whistled when touched. You wondered if they could do more than whistle; laughing because many thoughts of yours had been but a velleity, and you almost moved on, but when the fuzzy blades of grass leaned forward to pat you on the head before returning to their place, you gasped. Were they supposed to do that? Nearby, exposed roots shimmered, and when you approached them, they pulled away from the ground, and bowed in obeisance before returning to their place. You flashed Rick that look that said you were confused, and his mouth hung open in astonishment. Still, he hadn't said a word, and watched on; his hand moving a mile a minute as he took down notes.

Above your heads, were bell like flowers that changed their tune whenever you passed them, and the walkway was littered with mushrooms that made your skin tingle pleasantly when you sat upon them; as unsettling as it was, you were feeling good, as though they absorbed all the negative feelings, and left you with the good ones. Where your feet hung above the ground, an indigo milk cap sprung up so that you could step off. At this point you began to wonder if the forces and plants around you were bending at your will. Considering Rick hadn't warned you yet, or impeded your curiosity in anyway, then he was either waiting for you to ask, or he was studying you; as he usually would. “Rick,” you wondered, as you stepped over the small stones that buzzed like worker bees. “did we shrink, or has the world gotten bigger?”

“Well,” he chuckled, eager to hold on to your hand again. “it’s - it's neither. Everything here is bigger, while w-we remained the same. Neat isn't it?”

Neat was an understatement.

“It is,” You agreed, which made him stand a little taller, and smile a bit brighter. “but I could have sworn we stepped into a Honey I shrunk the kids movie or something. I guess not, but something strange is going on. Haven't you noticed? You probably have, but I just want to check.”

“You're right, I-I-I have, and it makes me wonder what w-would happen if you wanted the flowers to walk? I-I guess that sounds silly.”

“No,” You softened. “it doesn't, but I don't think it works that way. I'm not a god or anything, and I'm pretty sure fairy dust ain't going to cut it, and make these giants move. But if you want me to, I could try.”

The only giants you had ever seen were the western sequoias. You had walked amongst those natural giants, whose respective histories were their own, and you wouldn't question how they came to be; for they existed before you, before Rick. They were the testament of endurance, withstanding centuries of rain, fire, and growth, but here….like many things he showed you was a first. Curious as to what might happen, you thought about the orange star like flowers moving, and bending down to your level. And, because it was your will, they did.“Rick,” you continued, after your initial shock passed. “I'm not imagining things am I? Did…. did that just happen?”

Reading the results from his scanners, and checking the footage from his camera, he exclaimed. “It - it did. It really did!”

“Is that good? I don't know.”

With raised brow, he chuckled to himself, and put away his scanner, and notepad. “Gosh, y-you're just full of - of surprises aren’t you?”

“Honestly, I have no point of comparison. So you're going to have to be upfront with me, and tell me if I'm going to be okay.”

“Y-you're more than o-okay, you're perfect.”

____________

The sun bathed the earth in delicious warmth, the sparkling dew feeding the thirst of the green.

The pleasant sounds of humming, and their songs had become an uplifting melody. Like kisses upon your skin, the wind made you ticklish, and you needed Ricks assistance so that you wouldn't fall over laughing. It seemed you were sensitive to the environment, which made you go through waves of pleasant emotions, but it was exhausting. Hopefully your life force wasn't being absorbed by them.

“Rick, I think I hear music. Can you tell me why? Or is it my imagination?”

“I'll ugh - I'll be able to tell y-you in a jiffy.”

Flipping through his notes, his brow was raised in confusion. “Um, t-t-to be honest, this is the first time I've seen them act this - this way. They seem t-to be imitating a song, possibly from your subconscious. Do y-you recognize it? Does it - it remind you of anything?”

You stopped in your tracks, and took a moment to earnestly listen before you answered. “It reminds me of your ukulele being played on a refreshing afternoon.”

Eyes wide, you knew he was eager to hear more, curiosity coloring his response. “Is th-that so?”

“Yeah. I love hearing you play,” Which was very true. Rick was a wonderful musician, able to play almost any instrument he picked up. Other Ricks were probably just as talented, but unless they were the legendary Steinway, you doubted anyone could play with as much emotion. You continued. “and the happy sounds that are made in between your laughs, and the strumming of strings, and the way you look at me when you play. Goodness, it warms my heart, and makes me love you even more. You…you always have a way of stirring my emotions.”

“Y-you really like it that much?”

“Like it? I adore it, and your guitar playing too. Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you practically seduced me with those serenades on the front porch, and those evenings indoors when it was raining. I have no idea what you were thinking about at the time, but hopefully it was of me.”

Sentimental words always made him pliable, and he never really knew how to answer, or what the correct words should be, but he tried, and in his earnestness, he'd lean towards you as though he were about to kiss you, but he'd stop before doing so. As though he were reigning himself, he'd close his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before he'd continue. Pressing a light kiss on your forehead, he softened. “I - I always have you on my mind, though I-I didn't - it wasn't my intention back then to….I didn't know you felt that way. I'm not in the habit t-to seduce anyone or….” He faltered, his cheeks dusted in a lovely blush.

Silly man. One of these days, maybe he'd understand when you were flirting and teasing him, and not misconstrue your delight with accusations. You cupped his cheek, encouraging him to look at you. “You're so sweet. I know you wouldn't do that. But either way, I enjoyed it all the same.”

Leaning into your touch, you saw the beginnings of a smile, but his blush was still going strong. “Gosh, now I'm not s-s-so sure, but I - maybe I - oh, I'm s-sorry.”

“Don't be sorry dear. If I didn't want you to, I would have stopped you at the point when you first asked me over for dinner. I mean, I never really thought you were trying anything either. We were just friends, having a good time, and I fell in love with you. Maybe we should thank that ukulele of yours for all the happy hours we had singing silly little songs.”

“I ugh - I should have brought it with me then, because y-you like it.”

“There's always next time. Though, it's been awhile since you played. You must miss it.”

“I-I do,” he admitted, passing a hand through his hair. “but it's because I've been b-busy. I'm sorry a-about that too. I've been away and w-we haven't had much time to ourselves.”

“Rick it's okay, I understand. You have important stuff to do”

“You - you say that, but it bothers me when I have t-t-to leave you for extended periods at a time. I don't like it, and I-I guess maybe I'm being silly. That's what happens when y-you get old. You either want t-t-to be alone or have company all the time. What am I even saying? I'm going off on a-ag….”

Pressing a finger to his mouth, you quieted him. “You already do a great job in trying to make me happy, and I'm not disappointed.”

“Y-you're not?”

“Of course not. I mean, I can't help but miss you, but you've always been a busy guy. How you manage to make time for me and still have time for your hobbies is beyond me, but that's the thing about you Rick, you're not like most people. And every moment with you is wonderful. The question you should be asking is what have I done for you? What can I do to make you feel better?”

“By p-p-putting up with me.”

Pressing a kiss on his cheek, you giggled. “If you mean by loving you, then I'm on it.”

_____________

After a series of small, quick experiments, Rick had come to realize that these plants listened mostly to you and not so much him. Oh, he had his theories, a few of them making you giggle, but for the most part, this is what he understood.“These plants here, I-I had thought they were empathic, but they must - must be trying to trigger a response. I believe they are fascinated b-by you, because I've already spent many happy hours here on - on this planet, but you haven't.”

Placing your hands on your hips, it was your turn to raise a brow. “Rick, if you put it that way, then it means I'm trending.”

“Gosh, I-I-I suppose. Is that the terminology these days? Does it mean you're popular?”

Zeta-7 really could be adorable when he wasn't trying to be, especially when he wasn't always aware of what was current. “Yes, but what are you really saying?”

“That they must r-really like you,” he smiled, jotting down a few notes, before taking out his scanner, and checking the results. “and if I'm correct, then they prosper off these pleasant emotions of - of yours. How fascinating.”

“Can they hear my thoughts?”

“N-no mi corazón,” he chuckled. “they can feel you. Plants are - are surprising organisms—without brains and central nervous systems, they are still able t-t-to sense the environment that surrounds them. They - they can perceive light, scent, touch, wind, even gravity, and are able t-to respond to sounds, too. These plants here are a-a little different, and can sense your every emotions, reflecting your feelings, which I-I guess means you're currently in a pleasant mood.”

“Of course I am, it's beautiful here, and I'm with you.”

After you had said this, a gust of wind rushed by, which rustled the golden leaves, the force of it almost knocking you over, though Rick was quick to grab you by the waist. “Are y-y-you okay?”

You could hear the bell flowers ring, and quietly you thanked them and the forces at work around you, which seemed to bend and curve at your will; whose comedic timing was cliché to say the least. “I am now. Thank you Rick.”

Scratching the back of his neck, he let go, and made himself busy by scanning the branches and plant debris. “L-l-like you already said it's ugh - feels like a-a land for giants. I know their size is attributed t-t-to the mineral rich soil. And I-I thought it would be nice to spend a-a day here, but you look tired. Not t-to mention the plants behavior.”

“I'm not that tired. But man, it's incredible to be able to will the elements, but I'm sorry Rick, I kind of don't know what I'm doing here or whether I have any control over it. Imagine, that kind of power in the wrong hands could be dangerous. So, I'll try not to cause too much trouble.”

“It's okay, I'm sure y-you won't. I-I do wonder if they can understand what we're saying.”

With a shrug, you replied. “It's worth a try.”

You smiled up at the canopy of leaves, admiring the way the light filtered through the spaces in between. “We appreciate the hospitality, and the lovely music, as well as your stimuli. Oh, and as much as I appreciate you playing matchmaker, you don't have to try so hard. You see, we're already together,” you winked at Zeta-7, who blushed at the gesture. “but secretly, I think Rick's enjoying it. Either way, I hope you'll be kind to us.”

When you had finished, a mushroom ran by, and dropped a gift at your feet before returning to its place. You waited for Ricks approval before peeling back the leaves that were held together by dried vines, revealing a pair of matching bracelets, that seemed to be nothing more then weaved, golden branches. “I think this is for us. See?” you pointed to the inner branch. “This one has your initials.”

Scanning them, Rick found that they were safe, and you two proceeded to try them on, and all at once, you felt warmth wash over you as you glanced at Rick. And when he glanced at you, a vine began to grow and flower, decorating his bracelet in magnificent, lapis blue blooms. “Wow, that's - I've never seen anything like it.”

You haven't either, but that was thing, you always experienced new things when you were with him. Like now, you felt all jittery, and nervous, and when he took your hand to kiss it, your bracelet bloomed, and you just had to pull away, because it felt strange; like a little piece of you was taken away. “Rick, this place is something else. Are you sure it's safe?”

You wanted to be sure, because having him near you all of a sudden was overwhelming, like a dozen butterflies fighting the wind. What was with this place?

“Mhm, I'm sure. I've done extensive research over th-the last couple of weeks t-to make sure we can relax.”

“Really? Nothing toxic or poisonous? No animals or creatures to worry about?”

Taking your hand in his again, you felt a great calm, and the bloomed flowers grew, and vines spread; everywhere they touched, made you feel cozy, and sleepy. So, so sleepy. Perhaps you should say something, but he was happy, and you didn't want that smile to fade, and you allowed him to explain. “Creatures? No, not - not yet. Maybe in a-a couple of years, but not now. This planet is still fairly new, and there's no telling when it - it will be inhabited. For now there's just us, and these w-wonderful plants.”

It was going to be fine you told yourself, and smiling up at him, you replied happily, with a voice soft with affection. “Okay, whatever you say Ricky.”

And like a deep yearning, the vines on his bracelet grew three times their size, and stretched out, just to kiss your face a dozen times; they wanted to delight you. It scared Zeta-7 a bit, but you could only giggle, cause they were just like him; earnest, eager, and sweet.

TBC

[babaleshy]

Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

[alines7777]

aight, here's a piece of 'creative writing' that i've been brainstorming.

basically, it's about samson, a famed homophobic and transphobic radio evangelist, who dies and goes to hell, and meets the princes of hell, who subsequently berate him for his character and deeds on earth. and it more or less gets into the CORE reason why conservatives always turn out to be shitheads in their seeking of bible verses as a shield for their bigotry, and even hypocrisy. it's also to demonstrate that, as written in the tanakh, god is beyond good and evil, especially any one person's view of it.

the thing here is that based on everything i read from the bible, everything the princes of hell say here is true, or at the very least reasonable. and i think the following sort of bigotry and disrespect toward humanity as a whole, whom lucifer accurately calls the ADAM, is the character attributed to lucifer in other texts, and i also think it serves as a nice foil for samson's bigotry toward the lgbti community, just as samson serves as a nice foil for lucifer's expulsion from YHVH's hosts.

and on that note, i think it would be fair warn that this work includes the use of transphobic slurs, albeit from a perspective of a being that cares as little for humanity as a whole as it does toward the plight of trans people.

but what both of them never really stop to consider is that they all supposedly share god's breath in common. and god's breath is held in the tanakh as the source of life, that every breath we take is literally god's.

(try to imagine leviathan sounding as though he's stifling laughter as he speaks)

....

samson : ugh. who are all of you? where am i?

leviathan : GEHINNOM. HELL.

samson : no! that can't be right! that's impossible! i was spreading the truth about your bid to destroy america with the gay and trans agenda! i was bringing people back to the right path that god set for man and woman in marriage. i was saving america from your throes! i was the champion of the holy crusade against the trans and gay agenda to soften and feminize america to make it yours instead.

* the princes start busting into laughter *

asmodeus : are you kidding? as if anyone even needs sodomy or transsexuality to be pulled away from marriage in the first place! o, but i'm sure you know better from experience, right? but we have witnessed the rise and fall of MANY nations throughout EONS, so why should we even remotely care about america above any others? what an idiot!

lucifer : listen, samson, god is the one who chooses the fate of all nations, not us, haven't you even read the word he left for you? so if "the sodomites and transsexuals" really are destroying america as you say they are, then it's precisely because god wants them to, now you're free to take any guess at why. besides, we are hardly interested even in the ADAM that you'd find here, let alone those that still roam earth, and you won't find us delivering any of our bidding to DIRT beneath our feet. there is no fight between us and YHVH over the ADAM, the only ones you have to blame for your sins and the fall of your nations are YOURSELVES.

leviathan : AND THEY'RE STILL CONCERNED OVER THE COLORS OF THEIR BEDSHEETS [flags]. TAKE CARE THAT THEY SHOULDN'T TURN YELLOW AND BROWN FROM THAT PANIC YOU'RE IN! *laughs uncontrollably* HOW RIDICULOUS! WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO SAY.

*leviathan, again succumbing to uncontrollable laughter, puts a seal on samson's mouth to keep him from speaking up again*

leviathan : WE CAN ONLY FEAR THAT WHATEVER ELSE YOU SAY FOR YOURSELF MIGHT BE EVEN MORE DAMNING! I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD IN AGES! "CHAMPION OF THE HOLY CRUSADE AGAINST THE GAY AND TRANS AGENDA!" *laughing again, but his laughter is starting to die down*.

asmodeus : and all that coming from.... hold on, let's see what stolas wrote for us again.... a divorcée of five times by adultery with the same trannies he calls abominations [sort of like alex jones and the trans porn on his phone] —

satan : — and two times by battery —

asmodeus : — telling everyone else to honor and cherish the sanctity of man and woman in marriage and sex before god.

*all princes proceed to laugh, samson becomes flush and tearful with anger and embarrassment*

lucifer : aww, what's wrong? we only speak the truth to you alone in jest. but don't you find it at least a little bit funny? can't you see why it's at least a little amusing for us to see how a HYPOCRITICAL BIGOT always runs to the church for hiding?

leviathan : THE SAME WAY A FOX ALWAYS RUNS TO ITS BURROW!

lucifer : now, leviathan, let's not judge TOO unfairly. foxes run to their burrows only when given chase, and foxes actually dig the burrows where they go into hiding.

belphegor : and not once have we ever seen such fools as this so much as pick up a stone to build a church for their hiding.

leviathan : AND IF WE EVER DID SEE THEM PICK UP A STONE, WE ALWAYS FOUND THEM MUCH QUICKER TO CAST IT INSTEAD!

lucifer : and that, samson, is why it's SO DIFFICULT for us to feel any pity for you. but alas, we MUST. after all, only a fool as pathetic as you could never realize that it was just as difficult for everyone else to see god's kindness through your cruelty. now that doesn't inspire much faith in god, does it?

leviathan : NOR DOES IT INSPIRE MUCH OF HIS KINDNESS! JUST LOOK AT THE KINDNESS GOD SPARED YOU, HE LEFT YOU TO FEND FOR YOURSELF IN OUR MIDST!

lucifer : and too bad for you, there are no churches here, so there are no places here where you can hide from us, nor any walls with loose stones for the casting [this is specifically a reference to verses to be selectively taken from the bible to justify bigotry].

mammon : i hope you still think the money you took from all those broken cretins for your "sermons" made it all worth it.

beelzebub : not to mention all the lovely meals it afforded you.

asmodeus : and the women and trannies.

leviathan : ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE NAME OF GOD AS A CLOAK FOR YOUR SIN. AND THE ONLY REASON YOU EVER CARED ABOUT THE BODY OF CHRIST WAS BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD HAVE IT AS A SHIELD.

lucifer : see, leviathan? now you're judging QUITE fairly. because fairness.... starts with the TRUTH. and the truth is, samson, you're DISGUSTING. all of ADAM are DISGUSTING! i hardly know any other words that are even fit to describe you. SLIME! DIRT! that's what you are — that's how god made you, and his breath never changed that fact. all it did was make you LIVING DIRT! too bad he never took my advice to destroy all of you while he had the chance, and the only times he did were when it was TOO LATE! now we're the ones who have to deal with you. and i should think that we're owed some thanks for TRYING when god WOULDN'T. we were not the ones who created you, and we just as surely are not the ones to blame for your sins, but we were the ones who were right about you every time when god was still trying to see something better than what was actually there — dirt. but still, he leaves it to us to handle the job of caring for you.

leviathan : HAH! WE NEVER CHANGED OUR MINDS ABOUT YOU, BUT EVEN WE MIGHT HATE YOU LESS NOW THAT HE SEES YOU AS CLEARLY WE DO, AND NOW WE'RE THE ONES WHO CARE MORE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S HOW MUCH GOD HATES YOU!

lucifer : yes, it is. do you know WHY, samson? the same reason we hate you: it's because you ADAM are always crying out god's name, the way spoiled children cry out for their mothers to get the things they want, because you'd NEVER be caught dead doing ANYTHING good for yourself, though for some reason you'd sooner be caught doing ill to others, and then you cry out even louder when you learn that you've been caught, exactly like a spoiled child. and you call yourself a man. that's how disgusting you ADAM are — you'd rather be caught doing ill to others than any good for yourselves — and then you STILL work up the gall to cry out god's name, and we soon find that those who cry his name the loudest are the worst disgraces to it, as much they would be even to OUR names for that matter. the only ones who are any good at all, even in our eyes, are those who DON'T.

satan : we, at least, started by rejecting his name.

lucifer : that's right, so it isn't reasonable to expect any obedience from us. but since you couldn't be bothered to obey god and abide his kindness, you would have been better to reject him too, you'd at least be HONEST, and we would certainly start taking a little more pity on you. and the ones who are inspired by OUR example, they don't ask anything from us, and they don't cry out our names. we hardly even acknowledge them, and they are better than you. but i must give the ADAM some credit, in the spirit of fairness, you answer and take heed when your names are called, even by those you despise. but god doesn't answer when you call his. he doesn't even want you knowing his name, and it isn't YHVH. exactly as leviathan told you, that's how much he hates you. but you're new here, so we're willing to give you a sporting chance to be YOUR OWN brand of dirt, that is all that can be expected of dirt, really. but we'll take care of you until you do, when you'll no longer need us, and when we longer have to bother with you, because if we don't, then who will? certainly not god. that ship has sailed. and if, in spite of our care, you CAN'T learn to accept your fate and be your own dirt, then we'll just bury you like half of the others, to be reunited with the rest of the dirt. either way, we won't have to deal with you for very long, just as we shouldn't.

[cawcawpeasants]

Hello, i hope you have a good day ! I read your post for really sad scenario and, sorry in advance for your poor heart, could you do, please, a scenario with Fuegoleon who have to accepts that Nozel is dead because he disappears in a mission two months ago ? And he comes back a little times after that in the house ? And act like if all was normal ? (I actually don't know if you're going to find it sad, but me yes, maybe because i'm hyper sensitive XD )

First of all: Q.Q

Second of all: Sorry for the long wait, real life kicked my ass.

Third of all:

It isalways difficult to adapt to changes. The extremer they are, the harder it isto uphold normality.

Sometimespeople start to take up to new habits to try to do so.

As forLeon, he started to stay up late, staring out into the night, counting thestars, hoping to find something new.

Also, hemade a habit out of lighting a few lamps on the outside before he heads to bed,making it easier to land at night.

Other thenthat he sucked up every kind of information, every rumour, every lead thatwould lead him to his goal.

Finding outwhat happened two months ago.

At first,it was all he could think of, driven by immense guilt and grief. He neglectedhis works, his looks, his life.

“How can Ineglect it, if my life was taken from me?” He’d answer to all who came to scoldhis behaviour.

He was seton finding it again

Finding himagain.

NozelSilva, his partner, his significant other, who disappeared 2 months ago withoutanybody knowing where he went. It was supposed to be a dungeon conquering mission,probably taking some time, eventually dangerous. Reports came back in steady rhythmsfrom the Captain, but suddenly nothing. All contact broke off and nobody couldfind any trace of them.

The publicthinks of him as dead. Deceased in the line of work.

At firstLeon fought them publicly, he believed in his lover’s strength and abilities.He couldn’t believe that people could ever think of something like that.

Then he startedto get anxious. Weeks went by without a word. Nozel disappeared into thin air,not even Julius was able to make him out. It was like his Mana left theKingdom, and all the others, too. He was still hoping for Nozel to come back,to just land at their home and be there.

He wastired and at the same time restless, he couldn’t fall asleep without thefamiliar body next to him. He couldn’t go about his days the same without thesnarky remarks, the little tiffs and spats, the intelligent eyes, the raresmiles.

He couldn’tstand human interaction at this point. He felt judged and pitied wherever hewent, so he relieved all personnel of their service for an undetermined amountof time.

A monthwent by, and books about eagles started to collect dust. He felt like he did,too, so he started to take up his work again.

Another weekpassed, and he started to collect the Silvas left behind clothes and storedthem, so they wouldn’t be eaten by moths.

Anotherweek, he was barely there at the meeting of the captains, where they discussedwho would take over the order of the silver eagles.

Anotherweek, and a proposal from the House of Silva came in, asking him if he wouldlike to help planning the former Heads funeral. If he would like to hold theobituary.

About twomonths had went by since all contact to Nozel Silva had vanished, and Leon wasadapting to his life without him. He wasn’t happy nor that hopeful, and he couldn’tleave the letter with the proposal left unanswered much longer. But still…

He wasstill going out to the roofs, looking out for a sign that Nozel would come back,like he did in his dreams. He was still lighting the lamps, so Nozel could safelyland when he would come home.

His heartstill hurt when he tried to fall asleep without him.

The peoplearound him were trying to talk him out of these new things, they wanted him tobe normal, like he was before. He understood their concern, but he couldn’t letgo entirely.

Well, atleast so he thought.

Anotherweek went by and he caught himself slipping. He neglected the lights and staredat the proposal longer. He was intently pondering about what to do, whatdecisions to make.

He did soright now.

He sighedand leaned back. His eyes were strained from reading the letter for what musthave been the 1000th time already. He knew every word by heard, butit did not lighten the weight of its message. His own family had given theirhopes up, and they wanted to move on already.

He wasn’t surehow long thy were going to wait for him to be likeminded, but he did know thathe would never forgive himself if he wouldn’t honour his beloved by beingpresent at his funeral.

This would be so much easier, if Nozel were hereto give me advice…

He blamed thesudden burning in his eyes on the strain. He had cried enough for a lifetime inthe last two months, especially given that he wasn’t build that close to thewater.

He took adeep breath.

It’s time to decide.

Over two months no signs, no messages…

But also, no bodies found

He could be alive, but isn’t it more likelythat he’s dead?

He would have come back to us… to me.

This will never come to a conclusion, will it?So, I should be so kind and offer his family, his knights, his kingdoms andeven myself an end to this painful hoping. They deserve their peace, as doeshe.

In the morning, I willanswer the Silvas.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

He hadn’t realized,he’d fallen asleep in his office chair, so he was confused at the uncommonsurroundings when he woke up.

Than heremembered why he had woken up in the first place.

Theentrance door fell into the lock.

There wheresounds coming from the ground floor, and Leons heart started beating.

There stillwas no staff, he was the only living being in the building at the moment, Mereowas out in the woods still and Leo had to be at the order. It was long pastcurfew.

Well, asidefrom the worlds most stupid robber, it seems.

Who thinks of breaking into the house of acaptain while he’s still there? Do people really think of me as so vulnerableright now? Well, I will show them what happens when you wake a lion.

He silentlyfollowed the noise and found the source currently wreaking havoc in the kitchen.At least it sounded like that.

He took hisgrimoire out and started to look for an appropriately intimidating spell, thatwould not damage his furniture too much.

He thenentered the kitchen.

He was metwith a mess, ripped open packages, open drawers, a robbed fridge.

He made outa pair of legs in ripped clothing rummaging through the cupboard where theteacups were stored, upper body and head hidden behind the opened door. The burglarjust continued looking through his stuff without a care in the world.

Leon felt nerveson his forehead twitch in irritation.

‘You haveten seconds to explain your presence here. And also, what exactly are you doinghere right now?’ He all but yelled at the busy bee trying to fid somethingworthy to steal.

Themovements halted, then a head looked out behind the door.

It wasfamiliar, even though it lacked the usual hairstyle.

‘Well, asfar as I can remember, I live here, but that doesn’t seem to account foranything, because I also remember employing servants, but apparently none ofthem are here right now. Due to that I am making myself a sandwich and some tea,but I cannot find my favourite cup it seems. You wouldn’t remember seeing itanywhere, no?’

Leon juststared at him in shock.

Nozel wasthere, while he was supposed to be dead

And he’s looking for a teacup?! 

Unable toreact appropriately to all the annoyance and confusion and happiness inside of him, he took a seat at the ruined kitchentable.

‘Leon, haveyou seen my cup now? Leon?’

He can’t be real. This is just my brain messingwith me because I can’t handle the fact that he’s dead.

He felt awarm hand on his shoulder. He looked up and was met with the concerned face ofhis dead Love. He grew a stubble.

‘Dear, areyou okay? You look awfully pale. Do you want me to call a doctor?’

This is my mind telling me I’m needing help,isn’t it?

He smiledat the familiar features and wanted to run a hand over them, wanting them to bereal, but he was afraid he would wake up from his sweet nightmare.

‘I havegone mad, I am afraid. Are you my consciousness?’

Nozel furrowedhis brows.

‘A doctorit is then. I shall go fetch one first thing in the morning, but right now youshould go to bed. Maybe you can sleep it off, whatever it is.’

‘You can’tsleep when you are already dreaming. You should know that, we share a brain.’

TheNozel-who-couldn’t-be-Nozel took a step back.

‘Or I’ll goget a doctor right now. But nice to know that I am an object of your dreams. ’

Nozel grabbedone of the things he called sandwiches and started to eat. Leon couldn’t believethis normal, well nearly normal, sight.

‘Of course,I have dreamed of you. For two months now, maybe more. Even before that, if I amhonest, but those were dreams of a different nature. The last dreams were allabout you being exactly like you are right now. Home, Alright, Uninjured andjust…not dead…I-‘

Leon’svoice broke and he felt tears well up. This was just cruel.

Nozel stoppedeating his monstrosity and looked up in confusion.

‘What do youmean I am dead?’

Fuegoleonlooked back at him, equally confused. Nozel went over to him, now slightlyirritated.

‘I asked,what do you mean, when you say that I am dead.’

‘Well, thatyou are dead. You disappeared two months ago while being on that Dungeonmission, and nobody could find any remains of you, nor a sign that you werealive. You were declared weeks ago. I- I was asked to hold a speech at your funeral.And now I am imagining you being here to deal with the fact that you are longgone.’

Nozelsshock and disbelief at his current official status was plain to see on hisface, but he also was hurt, seeing his partner at such a loss.

He softlycupped the Vermillions face.

‘So if I amdead-‘ he said while inching his face closer to Leons ‘-how come I can do this?’

And then hekissed him, showing him how much he missed him and just how very, very real hewas.

When he drewback to catch his breath he looked at Leons face. The latter hadn’t opened hiseyes yet, but Nozel could make out the tears caught in the eyelashes, and hehad the urge to kiss them away.

So he did.

The administrationson his face filled Leon with a warmth he thought he had lost forever.

‘What- Whathappened? Why did you take so long?’ He asked quietly.

Nozel, whohad halfway crawled into his lap already, still caressed his face while he toldLeon about his mission.

‘Well, itwas a normal Dungeon. It took me about two weeks to reach it, and a bit less toget back here, it was very well hidden in one of the grand magic zones. I justwanted to step into the entrance hall to get a feel for the place, but apparently,I fell victim to a spell cast on it. I stepped in in broad daylight, felt themana of the place and went out again, only to find that it was already night-time.Then I decided that this was either a time manipulating or mind-altering magic,so I headed back here to talk over my findings with the emperor. This sort of spellis way too dangerous to deal with alone. But, as I promised you, I wanted tocome home first, eat something, check up on you, all that. And here you are,thinking I am dead and telling me the one day I thought I lost-‘

‘Wasactually nearly two months.’ Finished Leon the sentence.

Nozel feltLeon’s arms sneak around his middle, pressing him close in a make-shift hug. Helooked at the head pressed against his stomach and smiled. That must have beenquite a hellish experience for his man. He didn’t want to think of what he hadbeen going through, thinking he was dead and all.

Reminds me…

‘Hey Leon, howdid everybody react to my death? I am kind of curious.’

He got noanswer.

‘Leon?’

A trademarksnore erupted from the sleeping man, who still had him in his clutches. Nozeltried to loosen the Grip, but it had the opposite effect. So, he settled to takinga more comfortable seat and wait for him to wake up. He kissed the top of theother’s head.

He must have been very tired.

Better to let him sleep.

Then heyawned.

I should, too.

[dapperfvck-arc]

🔥 The TV show... (Because I really want to know exactly why you don't like it [or hate it?] because i'm so freaking curious. Also I think in general a Constantine TV show would do best on AMC rather than NBC... FEEL FREE TO COMPLETELY RANT. I WANT TO KNOW. Please.)

Unpopular Opinion Time!

Oh boy. Hooooo boy. I’m still going to be relatively gentle, because honestly, I’m saving my true vitriol for the times that I must defend my choice not to RP it or for the hysterical consensus opinion from the fandom that TV show was an improvement over the film (lol nope, aside from Matt Ryan “looking the part” but that’s a whole other can of worms). 

Note: Cut for length and maybe a bit of brutality in my honesty.

*sighs* Ok, I’ll first preface this with that I still have like four episodes to go. Obviously, I have massive issues in the needless changes made to the adaption of comic canon. It was unnecessary to make Chas American while retaining the fact that he’s John’s oldest and best of friends. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but who knows. Maybe it’s explained a little better in one of the last few episodes, but you know. My hopes aren’t high. I don’t like Chas’s virtual invulnerability, not just because it takes away the stakes of the danger he’s putting himself in, but also? It’s a plot device scarcely used? So why make that choice if it’s not going to be capitalized on with meaningful frequency? I hated that Zed was portrayed as a novice, and that the teeth were taken out from the Newcastle Incident. Now obviously, I understand why they’d have to alter a bit of it due to Network censorship, but at the same??? I mean child abuse and sexual violence are nothing new on shows like Law and Order: SVU and Criminal minds so…Idek, it kind of comes off as an excuse. It’s not a child’s show. Maybe it could be argued that it was marketed toward teenagers, but it’s not like they’re ignorant to those horrors in the world. I’m not asking them to show Astra’s rape, just to acknowledge the true horror of the situation instead of making it all about John’s failure. So yeah, I was annoyed by the occasional attempt to adapt source material and completely mucking it all up.

Now to begin with, I completely get the SP/N’s fandom bitterness more than ever. Before watching it I thought they were just trying to be like “whaaaat, another show about magic and exorcism? Of course it’s a ripoff because don’t you know our fandom invented those things?” I honestly believe the crux of the issue is that NBC clearly wanted their own SP/N as well as to cash in the popularity of comic book based media, so there’s that. To me, it comes off as a shameless cash grab. I honestly believe if I felt like there was some kind of passion from its creators, I could have dealt with some of those changes, but I don’t get that. It’s been a soulless experience overall. Like it’s not been a matter of me nitpicking like “oh this is wrong, this has been changed, boo hoo, it’s not all existential horror and fucking and drugs.”

Because frankly...I just think it’s a bad show. It’s poorly written, poorly made, poorly researched, poorly acted, it’s just bad. The main issue I have with it is that it’s a lot of telling and not showing. There’s not a lot of tension or foreshadowing, just “boom this is how it is” and so much exposition. John, for example, about half of his dialogue in any given show is verbal exposition. It’s frustrating, tbh. Like, it doesn’t make sense for me in this day and age for a TV show, even on a network channel, to be this bad. Over the past several years, television series have improved exponentially in content and writing. It’s not shameful anymore to start off on TV anymore. We’re in a very exciting time that television and cinema are almost completely on equal par of perceived quality. So yeah, it’s been an even greater disappointment for me because it’s not just that they fuck with the source material but because on top of that it’s literally a bad show. I’m not one bit surprised that it wasn’t renewed because there just...Isn’t enough to like about it. It’s not faithful enough to the comic to secure that base of fans and it’s not good enough to be taken for face value. 

The other massive issue I have is the portrayal of magic, which honestly extends to DC’s handling of Hellblazer and John as well. See, what you have to understand is that predominately, throughout the Vertigo series, it’s clear to me that most of its writers either have some awareness of how magic works or at least have done their research. I can follow the logic and ritual in what he’s doing. ​Let me tell you a little something about magic. It's all about focus and will. You can do and say whatever the hell you want as long as you're putting your intent behind it. The ritual of spell work, use of candles, crystals, incense, chanting, incantations, etc. are meant to be the focus of a magician's energy and will on a particular result, but it could be attempted without as well. To explain it in more fantastical terms, in Harry Potter casting without a wand is considered impressive. This implies that the wizard's focus and will is so strong that they no longer need a wand to draw out their intent. Now I get it. By this understanding magic doesn't make good TV viewing (I guess...), but my main concern with this series is there's no attempt to portray an iota of witchcraft's reality along with the fantastical. Now part of this problem is that they've removed a great deal of John's innate ability. He can no longer see spirits/ghosts and there is no mention to his connection to synchronicity (as far I’ve seen, mind). Instead of happening to end up where he needs to be or what have you, he's following a map, and he uses a lot of artifacts and other implementation to get the job done. Which bothers me on a few levels. For one, it imbues the focus, not the caster with the power, which is not how magic works (at least in the sense of portraying gritty urban fantasy), and for two, it's very much against character. Let me give you an example: In the two part story Newcastle Calling, at the end of it, John hands a dying man a twig, telling him it's the finger bone of St. Cavartigan and that it's known to bring relief to those in need. He tells him to squeeze it tightly and focus on the pain going away. Near the end of the scene, the young man tells John that it's working. A couple things can be taken away from this scene: John's will was that the dying man would believe as he was told and his instructions were rote ritual. By contrast, in the series, John would probably had actually given him a Saint's fingerbone. You see the comparison takes the power of the scene away, as well as the mystery. Is the power of John's suggestion so strong that he could make the guy believe by holding that twig his pain would do away? Or was he so desperate to believe in order to not die in pain? You can interpret it either way. Hell, I could invent other interpretations, but going by what I believe would happen in the show, it can only be interpreted in the most literal sense. Now, to be honest, most television shows portray magic poorly. Even movies do a better job while keeping fantastical elements. The Craft, for all it’s 90s cheese, is a great example of this. So I suppose I could be blamed for getting my hopes up to be dashed because it’s just following the formula of 95% of all TV shows that feature a magical element or theme, but I mean...it’s not like Buffy or Charmed that was working without a script, so to speak. The TV series had a ready made blueprint and still chose to take the mumbo-jumbo bullshit route. Now, I have a lot of theories on the why for this, but that’s another post altogether and this has already gone on for way too long and I still have more to say.

Now, I guess I should, at least briefly, touch on the elephant in the room: Matt Ryan as John. What did I think? Because a lot of people have told me that he’s the shining beacon of this show, even literally admitting that yeah, it’s a poor representation of Hellblazer but that Matt Ryan man, he’s great! The problem that I have is that it’s not a good a show, and so no, I don’t like him in the role. I’m not going to compare him to Keanu because that’s not fair for a number of reasons, and maybe I’m a little biased because I adore Keanu (there’s also that can of worms I mentioned earlier, which is honestly yet another separate post lol). The way John’s written for this show, he’s positively insufferable. He’s not charming at all, which is find the most offensive, because one thing that can be said across all series and iterations of the character is that John is magnetic even despite xyz (he’s dangerous, he can be an asshole, he’s unreliable, etc.). Here he’s just a know-it-all, condescending prick. Now I do think with better writing, in a better representation of John’s character and Hellblazer in general (and maybe with a voice coach or director to discourage that Welshy intonation because yeah, his accent does irritate the shit out of me, but I’ve been very vocal about that before and honestly, at this point, I’ve come to realize that Ryan’s vowels are the least of this show’s problem), I think he has potential to be a fine John. As it stands in the media he’s portrayed John in so far (idk, maybe he was good on Arrow, but I’m talking the TV Series here and the JLD animation, which I’ve admittedly not seen, but I hated the comic so I’m not real likely to give that a chance considering my disposition toward the source material), I’m not entirely sold on him. Like if they tried another TV series for Hellblazer and didn’t cast him in the role, I wouldn’t be upset over it. 

I do agree that it probably could have been better on another channel, but here’s the rub, all the blood and gore and sex and loose censorship in the world could not save that show without better writing and direction. It could have been a fine show even on network if it had been crafted with some degree of caring. Let me give you an example off the top of head, namely the handling of the Newcastle incident. It was laid out pretty plainly within a few episodes. Alterations from canon aside, it doesn’t portray the horror of it at all and is one of the show’s many missed opportunities to really play up the scarier, more mysterious elements of John’s backstory. For example, instead of laying it out in a sloppy flashback with a laughable puppet, picture this scene instead: ​John is having a chat with someone, maybe Zed or Chas or some b-plot character. Something reminds him of the Newcastle incident and he gets a far off look in his eyes. The folly drops away to an eerie silence as the camera comes in tight on John's expression. Filling up the silence is a little girl's scream, then the voices of his friends, perhaps some sounds of violence, an inhuman sound or voice, it all blends together to become a hellish cacophony of sound as John's expression becomes more strained. Then suddenly the other person calling his name snaps him out of his reverie. The screams stop, the folly returns, and the scene appears jarringly normal. John shakes his head, makes a joke, and they move on. Yeah, that kind of scene has been done before, but the reason for that is it’s effective without giving away the whole story. It shows that this is a man haunted by something horrible. It’s also cheap and doesn’t necessitate straining the no doubt thin budget of a TV show that has yet to prove itself worthy of having more money thrown at it. 

Honestly, the issues I have with this show are innumerable and I’m just scratching the surface here and laying out my biggest problems. I could nitpick for days, and that’s the reason I’ve stayed mum about my opinions. There are people that follow me and that I write with that really like and care about the show, and I don’t want to make them feel...you know, bad about it or that they can’t talk to me or whatever. You know, if they found it enjoyable more power to them. I just didn’t and that’s maybe on me. By no means am I trying to bash the show here (because lord if I wanted to, I could), but to offer up what was requested, and that’s my undiluted opinions and feelings about the series. Of course I’m sorry that I couldn’t share the joy and that I couldn’t even like it on a similar level that I do the film (as a very solid AU, which people have tried to sell the show as to me, knowing my previous understanding of some of the changes made that deviate strongly from canon. As I said, maybe if it had been better made and written, I could, but as it stands currently, I can’t and unless real changes are made in the future, I’m unlikely to alter my opinion of it).

So yeah that’s it. Apologies that this got so very long, but as you can tell, there’s been a lot that I’ve been holding back.