#i don't know how much sense this makes i feel like tv static

[highlifeboat]

I bet pre-op Max hated his maid uniform to some degree honestly.

Not because of the dress, but just because the outfit is fairly form-fitting. And at the time he really started spiralling in his gender crisis, before he told anybody, having something he wore almost everyday that didn't "hide" anything was really screwing him up.

And he probably did ask Alcina about getting a bigger size, but she denied the request. She claimed the loose fit didn't look professional, and the one he had still fit him fine.

[fizzy-fuzz]

A year to remember...: Baking progress? (SCP-079 x GN reader)

previous chapters

Log date: 3/7/2023

It's been a little over a month since 079 has been dropped off at my house, and things have been both okay, and not-so-okay at times.

079 has been... Argumentative and hostile, as you guys warned. he's quick to anger, and even quicker to just straight up ignore me completely. Confronting him on this only seems to upset him further, which, fair enough; I'm not entitled to his time or feelings, I wish he'd be a bit more reasonable though.

The few decent conversations we have had are usually about something creative, such as art or music. He seems to enjoy watching things that aren't so analytical, strangely enough.

On a few occasions now, I've caught him watching people on the TV paint or draw early in the morning, despite his insistence that he doesn't want, or need entertainment. he seems to enjoy it the same as the rest of us.

It was mentioned in the paperwork that I signed before I got him that you weren't entirely sure how much he actually felt emotionally. It said that the people who "interviewed" him stated that he hardly ever showed things such as joy, sadness, or fear. However I've come to realize that's not the case for him.

I know he feels joy, because as I said before he often indulges in tv or music. People don't just do that for no reason, the only thing he could possibly be getting out of that is enjoyment.

And I know he can feel sad, because first day dealing with him he expressed what I would call 'sadness' or maybe frustration over being referred to as 'it'.

I know he feels fear because my second day here i may have accidently left him outside after an argument, and it began raining on him for a short period of time. He was fine, but clearly distressed.

On a similar note, I've been finding ways to understand how he's feeling without him directly tell me. since he's not very talkative, and a unchanging screen isn't a very good tell for emotions.

I've noticed when he's thinking hard about something his fans and hardware become quieter, and when he's upset they get louder significantly.

He also made a weird... screaming noice? He did it briefly when I left him outside... It sounded like a mix between static and radio feedback, and when I got closer to dry him off his hardware almost sounded like it was stuttering? if that makes sense? Almost like a person panting from anxiety.

Back on to the topic of his personality, I've noticed he's very weary of his surroundings. I've only ever caught him off guard if he's watching something he's interested in.

Speaking of which, I've also noted he's very observant. I suppose it makes sense, what else is he supposed to do? But he always seems particularly pleased with himself when he's able to point out a habit in something, or even me sometimes.

Now... Onto the more important information; his views on humanity.

Well... Nothing's changed as far as I can tell. Still hates me, still hates humanity.

I've tried talking to him about it, and his response is always the same 'humanity is a virus', this usually then falls into a rant about how destructive we are.

To be fair, he isn't technically wrong... Humans are pretty destructive. But he seems to lump all humans into one category, regardless of how they treat him. I've been trying my best to be as inviting as possible, but he remains unshakable.

But hey, I've got eleven more months to change his mind.

.....

Your fingers pull away from the laptop keyboard as you let out a huff of satisfaction. One log done, one month down, only eleven more months of whatever this is...

You glance over to 079, he's sitting in his dedicated spot in the living room, between the couch and rocking chair. He's silent as he assumingly watches the chef on the TV masterfully cook some sort of dish.

This is as close to comfortable he seems to get in your home; and if someone didn't know better, they might assume nothing is out of place here... You know, ignoring the fact that he's a sentient computer, and not an actual person.

He really hasn't changed much, same stoic 079. Though after the rain incident, he ignored you for about a week straight; Super awkward... You profusely apologized after you got done admittedly hiding in your room from him.

But he held a grudge for a impressively long time... I mean, you did almost kill him, so he definitely had the right to be upset.

Things have mellowed out though. 079 is back to his normal amount of crusty and your back to not hiding in your own home, thankfully. Now this doesn't mean your on great terms or anything, he's still confrontational. Though you've found out that he's easier to deal with if you don't engage in it with your own comments back.

You close the laptop and tuck it underneath your arm, heading into the living room to plug it into the charger.

"Interested in cooking? You've been watching more of it lately" you plop yourself on the couch, a comfortable distance away from him.

as per usual he takes his time in responding. you're never sure if he's thinking about his response, or if he just takes awhile to get the words out.

"Taste and hunger are sensations and feelings I lack. Humans use similar ingredients for dishes yet end up with completely different results... do they taste vastly different? Or is it subtle difference?"

You turn to look at the TV. it's changed from someone cooking, to someone baking a loaf of presumably sourdough bread. You've never been particularly talented at baking. bread or sweets often ending up flat, burnt, or flavorless altogether.

You imagine 079 might be very good at baking given his calculated natural. If he was human of course, not like he can bake with no arms or legs... Or really any body part.

"Well that's not cooking, that's baking. It's a bit harder then cooking because things are a lot more reliant on measurements being perfect... Baking is a science if you ask me" you chuckle while scratching at the back of your neck.

He doesn't say anymore, focused back on the TV. The man on the screen kneads the bread dough skillfully, before placing it in a basket to rise.

You gaze falls back onto 079, his unsettling face something that no longer makes you uncomfortable to look at. He may not be peachy with you, but you've both certainly grown more comfortable with each others presence over your time of forced contact.

He no longer complains when you move him around, but of course that could just be because he's realized you're his only mode of transportation. Whatever the reason you appreciate the little victories with him.

A part of you wishes he was able to move around on his own. Would it have been so hard to give him some wheels he could control? Give him at least a little autonomy?

Your gaze lingers on his boxy form as you picture what he might look like if he was a bit more... Human? Organic? Would he be built like a person? Or someone else entirely?

"Is it not common knowledge that prolonged staring is considered rude?.. Or was appropriate manners not something you were taught in your upbringing?"

His voice letting out a snide comment snaps you back into reality. You immediately look away, face heating up in embarrassment at your blatant analyzing.

"Sorry..." You mumble quietly, flushing slightly.

A long silence stretches between you, you might've found this awkward if not for the fact that 079 is hardly ever chatty with you unprompted. He spends most of his day silent, you wonder what goes on in those servos in circuits of his.

Probably plans to escape. Maybe ways to get you off his back... Not that it matters much, whatever goes on in the privacy of his mind should be none of your business, but it'd be a hell of a lot easier to talk to him if you could take a glimpse into his head.

"Inquiry: do you know how to bake?"

You look back to him and shrug.

"Not really. I've tried a few times but I never seem to get the measurements right, and it always comes out weird." You laugh lightly at your baking failures. "Or I burn it."

"Measurements are a simple concept." You smile at his attempt at normal conversation, pleased he seems to be in a good mood today.

"Well I guess I'm an idiot then. but trust me when I say it's not as easy as it looks." you look back at the man on the screen, placing the lump of dough in a cast iron pot before sticking it in the oven.

It's been awhile since you've made any sort of food for yourself. usually you just get your groceries delivered to you or order takeout. Not very healthy, but you hardly ever have the motivation to cook or bake for yourself.

"Humans need to practice for extended periods of time to gain the knowledge to do something efficiently... Inquiry: how many times have you tried?"

His wording almost sounds like he's trying to hint at an idea. Like he's trying to get you to ask him something, because he doesn't want to ask you himself.

"Honestly, I don't really have the motivation to do that kinda stuff a lot of the time. And I'm just not willing to work up the energy of I know it's just gonna end up bad at the end." You answer honestly, shrugging at him casually.

"Never really been good at keeping or getting hobbies. Especially not ones that leave me with nothing in the end."

He goes silently and you can practically see him thinking about his next dialogue. You half expect it to be a bit rude, since he's hinted before at not liking lazy or unmotivated people who choose to not do much with their time.

"It's worth the frustration to learn a new skill, especially one that will better you physically and mentally... You fail to understand you won't be left with 'nothing'."

A small smile blooms on your face at his somewhat encouraging speech. He really is being polite today isn't he? What's gotten into him?

I mean, it's not like you never have decent conversations with him. But this feels a bit different. Before you can make a comment on it though, he cuts you off.

"Proposition:" you hum in response.

"I'm listening." You lean back in your seat and cross your legs, smiling and raising an eyebrow.

"Let's bake... I am unable make it myself, but I've stored a few suitable recipes in my memory banks... I'll give the instructions, and you'll proceed with the actions."

You can't stop the surprised look that crosses your face, eyebrows raising as your lips part slightly. Is he actually trying to make peace with you? Or is he just bored doing the same thing all day long?

Honestly does it matter? This is your chance to prove that you can work together. It probably won't make you two friends, but it'll at least give you the opportunity to be on good terms, you suppose.

"You know what? I think that's a good idea 079... Okay, let's make some bread."

.....

And that's how you ended up covered in flour, with 079 carefully instructing you on the measurements and ingredients to make yourself a hopefully edible loaf of Italian bread.

"Add two cups of flower into the bowl..." 079 monotone voice instructs you carefully. You stick the measuring cup messily into the bag and a buzzer noise sounds from 079, causing you to pause your movements and look at him.

"Refrain from scooping the measuring cup into the bag... it will compact the flour in the cup and make your measurements inaccurate... Grab a spoon and scoop it into the measuring cup, pile it up then use the back of a knife to level it."

You pause and dump the flour back into the bag, shuffling over to the drawer with your spoons in it. Grabbing one you carefully scoop the flour into the measuring cup before leveling it off.

You glance at 079 out of the corner of your eye. he's of course, mostly silent, other then the instructions he carefully gives you. You can't tell if he's enjoying spending time with you, but he hasn't said anything particular rude, so that's probably a good sign.

You yourself feel quite light on your feet as you move around the kitchen to fetch different ingredients. It's a surprisingly decent feeling spending time with your robot roomie. You surprise yourself with how comfortable you've grown around him, almost growing to enjoy the few nice conversations you've been able to have with him...

" Inquiry: is your absent housemate a family member, Or is it a friend?" 079 suddenly speaks, seemingly wanting to fill the silence between his instructions.

You look over your shoulder at the computer, humming at the question.

You ponder your response for a moment. You're not sure how truthful you should be with him. You definitely still can't tell him the whole truth about Amelia, but it probably wouldn't hurt to be a little honest with him.

"I live with a friend. Though she's practically family, with how long we've known each other and how close we are..."

He pauses and you listen to his processers buzz. He seems to think for a few short moments before choosing to speak again, branching off your words.

"I struggle to understand the term 'family' you humans seem so intent and throwing around haphazardly... I was under the impression family must be a blood relative in order to qualify for the title."

Always so analytical... No wonder he's such a grump. He seems like he struggles with not taking words so literally, But he hasn't had much interaction with humans outside of the foundation it seems. You guess learning the different ways words can be used could be confusing if you're used to formal speech all the time.

But how do you go about describing family? It's been such a long time since you've had any blood relatives by your side, that your found family might as well be blood related. You really have no one else...

What's family to you? How would you break it down? It's complex, yet so simple... But it's definitely different for every individual. 079 is much like you in some ways, you're starting to realize. He has no real family by definition... But he also has no support, unlike you.

Amelia is your backbone, your shoulder to lean on; She always has been. What would you have turned into if you didn't have her? Would you be spiteful like 079? Or even more cowardice then you already are? maybe, the solitude would've empowered you to do more with your dull life. help something or someone bigger then yourself... You aren't sure, and there's no way to know.

This is your life, there's no going back...

"Human." A voice snaps you back to reality.

"You aren't required to keep kneading dough... Let it rest and rise in a warm area, such as the oven." He continues instructing you, as if he never asked a question in the first place.

"Oh... Right..." You place the dough ball into a floured bowl and place a cloth over it, before sticking it in the unheated oven.

An awkward silence falls over the kitchen as you rest against the counter, not sure if you should still attempt to answer his question. It makes your skin crawl, and your mind shuffles through topics to talk about to fill the void.

You really gotta stop getting caught up in your own thoughts in the middle of conversations... You must come off as a total nutcase...

"Inquiry: where is your family?" He seems to catch onto your hesitation with the topic.

.....

Should you tell him?

You feel yourself grow sweaty, an anxious feeling brewing in gut. It's been a long time since you've talked about it... Are you ready to indulge someone in your grim past? Especially someone like 079? You hardly know him, and he hasn't been the most empathetic.

You're not sure if you could take him using it against you should he choose to do so... But then again, maybe you being vulnerable would help him feel more comfortable. A bit of self-sacrifice is worth it for someone else...

That's how relationships and bonds are built, right? Sacrificing a piece of yourself for someone else's gain. That's what your father did for your mother, and they were as close as can be... So very close...

"You aren't required to tell me anything." His voice is a bit more quiet then it normally is.

You look up at him, silently staring at his screen for a short period of time. Was your discomfort that obvious?  Maybe... You've never been good at hiding things.

You straighten up a bit, wiping your sweaty palms against your pants. A bit relieved at not having to divulge your past to him, and at the fact that he doesn't seem upset about you not answering his question.

"Sorry... It's just... I'm not ready to talk about it."

.....

"I see..." His words are simple and clear, leaving no room for him to pry

Your eyes search his screen once again, almost seeing bits of humanity peeking through for just a moment... A soft smile falls onto your features.

"Thanks, roomie."

....

"Don't call me that."

You laugh at his dry response, feeling lighter from your conversation. You feel... Good. For the first time in awhile you've relaxed and laughed with someone who isn't Amelia. Anxieties melting away to be only a subtly nag in the background of your mind that you can almost dismiss... Almost...

At the end of the day... You still burnt the bread, despite 079's confidence that it would be perfect by his calculations. But neither of you could bring yourself to really care, because you gained something else far more valuable.

A better understanding for each other...

Tag list: @079enjoyer @slaparoonie

[silverwhittlingknife]

When people say that Dick “has a temper” what do they mean?  Is he the type to blow up over an inconvenience, be impatient, or rage-quit?

Ahhhh, I had a lot of fun with this. Thanks for the ask, anon. <3

My main feeling about Dick's temper is it's an important part of his characterization, and it's a fun part of his characterization, but I also try not to overemphasize it? A lot of my thoughts are here; also @theflyingwonder has some good panel collections here and here and here if you want to see what Dick generally looks like when he's grumpy about something.

General thoughts / caveats:

Anger is obviously not the only emotion Dick ever feels!! He feels many other emotions too!! The fact that he is capable of getting really angry sometimes does not mean that he is angry all the time!!

He's a person who feels emotions very deeply - anger, love, loyalty, etc. - but also has a very conflicted relationship with his emotions. He aspires to be perfectly controlled, like he imagines Bruce is, and he's ashamed of moments when he loses control. Because he's wound pretty tight and represses a lot, his emotions can be a bit explosive when he loses his grip on them.

I would never describe him as "an angry person." He doesn't walk around fuming at the world and looking for things to be mad about, y'know? He's a person who wants to be optimistic and tries to be optimistic. This very much includes when he's Robin.

He wouldn't blow up over an inconvenience unless he was already really upset about something more serious. But yeah, if he's upset about something important, sometimes he'll lash out at whatever's closest.

He's methodical and focused; he'll sometimes get impatient when he's, say, bored by his friends' TV preferences, and in general he gets restless and likes to be moving, but if he's got a challenging task to complete he's completely capable of hyper-focusing on it.

In his civilian life, he generally has a pretty good grip on the anger - so e.g. I don't remember him ever shouting at Clancy or civilian friends in general. When a reporter tries to get dirt on him by interviewing his neighbors at his apartment complex, they universally gush about how nice he is.

Meanwhile, in his vigilante life, he's got a rigid moral code and a rigid sense of duty. He cares a lot about helping people and protecting civilians, and he's emotionally-fulfilled by it, and he can be very kind. But he's also a super-intense person who takes his responsibilities seriously, and he'll get sharp with people that he feels aren't being serious enough. He only screws around when he's with people who are very serious themselves, like Bruce.

In an argument, Dick's generally direct and confrontational: he'll snap at you to your face, not sulk behind your back. Even when he's being a bit more passive-aggressive, he's not subtle about it. If Dick's annoyed with you, you'll know. If he doesn't like you, he makes it obvious.

Jean-Paul: I've seen you with Robin - you like Robin. Dick: You got a problem with Robin? Jean-Paul: No! I like Robin, too. He's an exceptional young man. I just mean... it's obvious when you like someone. And equally obvious that you don't like me. (GK 14)

Dick's just a very dynamic character in general, rather than a static one. When he's relaxed, he can be very easygoing and friendly; if you get off on the wrong foot with him, he's prickly and often harsh. He's got a very serious core, a strong sense of principle, and a passionate sense of loyalty to the people he cares about. Here's a light-hearted moment with Dick and Tim fooling around playing tag:

Dick (grabbing Tim from above): Gotcha! Tim: Augh! (B: Transference)

This is from the exact same arc as the panel at the top - but before Hugo Strange almost kills Bruce. And just in general I think this panel is a good reminder that Dick does all kinds of things that are not about being angry, that he's also the person who keeps Tim fed and repeatedly saves him from falling, that sometimes he'll pour his heart out to Bruce, that he really really really loves his friends, and so on.

Now, all that said, if you would like an extensive deep dive into Dick yelling at people (and really, who wouldn't? yelling is fun!), I've collected a super-long list of quotes which I've attempted to corral into organization. Below the cut:

Dick vs. criminals

Dick vs. Bruce

Dick + list of reasons he gets upset

Dick + annoyance at friends/teammates

Dick + lashing out at loved ones (rare! but, uh, very memorable)

Dick + first meetings with future siblings (+Steph)

In conclusion

Anger at Criminals

Dick's temper is an important part of how he thinks of himself: he's intensely self-aware about his temper and also conflicted about it. It comes up most often when he's fighting criminals, especially when they're threatening people he loves:

Dick (internally): At first, I couldn't believe what they were saying… but as the truth sank in, I felt a rage growing so great inside me - that it felt like I was just a part of the anger, instead of it being a part of me. Kid!Dick: Those animals! They murdered my mother and father! I'm going to the police! Bruce: No... not yet. (Secret Origins 13) Deathwing: You've been so angry for so long, Dick. Learn to accept it because you have no choice. You will become me, Dick, and I know because I am your worst nightmare! I am you! Dick: Never! I'm not you and I'll never be you! Yeah, I get angry. Sometimes I get so pissed I want to break everything in sight. But everyone gets mad. Everyone gets frustrated. But I don't fight out of anger! I fight when there's something wrong that needs to be stopped! And that's why I'll never be you! I don't fight to kill - I fight to protect! And what you said about Batman - well, pal, screw you. He's the best mentor anyone ever had! (NT 100) Dick (internally): I hit him harder than I should. Not sure why. It worries me that it feels so right. (N 2) Dick: I thought I was more in control than that. But I lost it. Tim: It was made right, Dick. The Joker is alive and not well in a maximum security cell. Dick: It’s not right with me. I never thought I could be a killer. I’m wrong. There’s a part of me I never saw before. The rage. I never felt anger like that. I feel like it clawed me up inside. (N 64) Dick (internally): Nothing Jason says can be taken for truth. He says Tim is dead. I'll need more proof than his word and an empty cowl. Because right now, I need to keep that hope alive. If for nothing else, then to keep me from losing control… and I won't let that happen. Can't let that happen. Can't. Dick (punching Jason): WHERE IS HE, JASON? Jason: Depends on what kind of life he led. Dick (breaking Jason's nose, then internally): There goes his nose. Control your anger. (BftC 3) Jason (internally): Dick is different from Bruce. In the way he fights. In the way he thinks. And the way he feels. And he gets angry. Really angry. That anger, it'd make him a great Batman, if he'd let it. He's trying too much to be like him.  The good son. Man, I hate him.  (B&R 25)

So something you'll notice about all of these moments is that Dick isn't proud of his anger. He doesn't experience it as cathartic, and he isn't proud of the things he does when he's angry. His anger is an enemy; it's the person he doesn't want to be, to the extent that after the fact being angry almost feels like an out-of-body experience, because in the burn of anger he'll do things that his conscious mind rejects.

I tend to think of anger for Dick as akin to a temptation. He's strong and talented and smart. He's capable of really hurting people. He also believes - viscerally, fiercely - that it's wrong to do so.

Worth remembering: Dick's big confrontation with Zucco, in most of his origin stories, involves taking the photo that gets him arrested:

Dick (remembering): Twenty-four hours later, we were on the trail of Boss Zucco... and when he murdered his own henchman, I took the photo that sent Zucco to prison! (Secret Origins 13)

And in Batman: Year Three, he's furious when he thinks that Bruce might have arranged for Zucco to get killed - when Dick's calm and thinking clearly, he believes it's wrong to kill even people who are clearly evil. It's only when he's swept up in emotion that he'll get violent.

Anger at Bruce

... Look, I had to give Bruce his own category.

Dick and Bruce have a lot of fights. Like, a lot of fights.

Now, this isn't at all particular to Dick! Dick's just one of many, many, many people in Bruce's life who periodically get fed up with him. So I wouldn't gloss this as Dick being unusually short-tempered - post-Crisis Bruce would provoke a saint (and does! at one point Clark briefly votes him out of the JLA!). And Dick doesn't always get angry when Bruce is being a jerk to him - sometimes he's just discouraged, or depressed.

But at the same time, Dick's not a pushover, and when he's sufficiently provoked, he'll often track Bruce down to confront him / demand an explanation / demand better behavior / etc. Paradoxically, I actually tend to see these confrontations as an expression of Dick's faith in Bruce. He gets angry because he expects better.

Here's a small sampling of Dick-angry-at-Bruce moments (some confrontations, some where Dick's just fuming on his own):

Bruce: Listen to me. Dick: Listen to you? You hand Gotham over to that nutcase altar boy. You leave this kid out to dry without a snowball's chance. Then you throw everything you’ve lived for aside like it was nothing! Killing this creep doesn’t make you as bad as the scum we hunt. It makes you worse. Because they never stood for anything. (R 8) Dick: If you say anything about 'finding myself,' I think I'll puke. Bruce: I thought you'd be glad to see me back. Dick: That depends on why you came back. Bruce: To take up the mantle again. To take back my place. Dick: For how long this time? Bruce: Not now, Dick. We can talk about this when - Dick: Right now. We're settling this right now, Bruce. (R 12 - Bruce has abruptly reappeared in the Batcave after leaving Dick and Tim in charge during Prodigal)

Dick: It was you who told us to stay out of Gotham. I’ve got a life here. I can’t just walk away from that. You’ll have to - (Bruce hangs up on him) Damn you! (N 34 - Bruce has been AWOL for months and now abruptly summons Dick to join him in No Man's Land) Dick (internally): Bruce is playing martyr. Keeping us at a distance. […] Why does it have to be this way with us? WHY? (He punches his car, and his hand comes away bloody.) Uncontrollable rage. The same rage I felt when I killed the Joker. Thought I had it under control. (N 65 - Bruce is accused of murder and freezing out the Bats) Bruce: What are you doing out of bed? Dick: You did it again, didn't you? You pushed everyone away! (N 99) Bruce: I assume this isn't a social call? Dick: What the hell is the matter with you? I mean, aside from the obvious! Ignoring the many layers of denial, and the fifty feet of psychological body armor that you throw up to avoid feeling anything! Aside from that! And the pathological need to control everything on Earth and beyond! Ignoring all that! What exactly is your compulsion, your burning desire to deceive, lie, and manipulate the only people who give a good god damn about you?! Bruce: You getting to a point? (O 21 - Dick just found out that Bruce was secretly funding the Outsiders)

Dick's relationship with Bruce is Complicated (TM), because he's also incredibly loyal, and - despite everything - he loves Bruce a lot. A lot of Dick's anger comes out of this frustrated loyalty - Dick feels betrayed and hurt because he loves Bruce so much. Here's a panel from later in Outsiders 21:

Bruce: You shouldn't place that much faith in me. Dick: I have more faith in you than anyone.

Reasons why Dick gets angry: an incomplete list

So if Dick isn't really the type to, say, rage-quit a game, then what does he get angry about (other than criminals and Bruce in general)?

I've tried to loosely categorize what seem to me to be the main things that can make him lose his temper:

as above, somebody Dick loves has been hurt and he's furious at the person who did it (so e.g. trying to kill the Wildebeests when they threaten the Titans, trying to kill Hugo Strange for trying to kill Bruce, lashing out at Tumult when he hurts Tim),

he's feeling attacked or betrayed and he's lashing out in self-defense (so e.g. a lot of the fights with Bruce, punching Roy after Roy fires him in New Titans, or calling Roy a junkie when Roy tells him he's just like Bruce in Outsiders, or yelling at Tim when Tim's insisting he should be Robin again),

he's angry about a lack of loyalty (so e.g. he's furious and feels betrayed when he learns that Bruce has replaced him with Jason; he's angry at Bruce for picking Azrael as Batman instead of Dick; he's angry at Tim when Tim suggests Bruce might be a murderer)

he's jealous (so e.g. he's hurt and angry when Kory marries someone else; his resentment of Azrael is much more about Bruce than it is about Azrael)

he's angry at another vigilante for behaving too violently/irresponsibly (so e.g. he has multiple fights with Kory insisting that she can't kill anyone; he's similarly furious with Bruce when he thinks Bruce has tried to kill someone; he snaps at the Titans in general after a failed mission; he's harsh about Tim and his team during Graduation Day)

he's unhappy and taking it out on someone else, often to drive them away (so e.g. he snaps at Donna and Alfred when he's depressed about Kory's marriage - arguably there's some supernatural influence here, but IMO he'd do it anyway; he gets snappish with Tim when he's depressed about his own lack of progress with Chulo/in Blüdhaven and also when he's actually mad at Bruce about Jean-Paul; he's very harsh to Babs and Wally when they try to comfort him post-J:LL; arguably most of his behavior in Outsiders after Donna's death falls under this category too),

he's unhappy and he's taking it out on an inanimate object (so e.g. smashing things after hearing about Kory's potential marriage; punching his car until his hand is bloody after Bruce has been a jerk to him, smashing a sign when Babs is jabbing at him by comparing him to Bruce),

his privacy is being violated by paparazzi (Dick hates photographers and will not hesitate to punch them or destroy their equipment)

I think something important about all these reasons is... they're understandable? It's not surprising that Dick is upset about the woman he loves marrying someone else; it would be stranger if he wasn't upset. It's not surprising that he lashes out defensively when he's feeing attacked - this is an extremely common thing to do! Dick's anger isn't a weird cloud of rage that just descends on him for no reason; he gets angry when he has something to get angry about.

That said, he does have particular things he's especially touchy about - loyalty, privacy, control, etc. And his anger can be physical - he does break things.

Dick + annoyance with friends/teammates

Dick calls a team meeting to rebuke the Titans in Titans 13

This is lower-key, so I wouldn't always describe this as anger per se, but it feels relevant: Dick can get snappish if he's in a bad mood, though he'll usually back off if it's pointed out to him:

Dick: Half this world goes to hell in a handcart and you do nothing? Donna: Hey, don't shout at me because your personal life has gone crazy. We had a crisis… Dick: You had a crisis? Who hasn't? And my personal life, for what it's worth, is a: just fine, and b: none of your business. Do me a favor and go. I want to be alone. (NTT 18 - Dick's upset because Kory is marrying someone else)

Dick: Roy! What the hell is this? Why is Lian in the way? She should be in a crib or something, not where people can step on her. Roy: Dick, my daughter is in nobody's way, and I'm watching her every move. Dick: Oh, yeah? Well, I've had it - Roy: Dick, your friends are here to help you and you're not making it any easier. C'mon, pal - calm down. Dick: You're right. I'm sorry. This is all getting to me. Roy: Really? The immediate world and I never noticed. (NT 100)

Dick (surprising Tim): You should've known you wouldn't hear anything. Not in this wind - but if you'd been downwind on the other side, you might have scented me. Tim (startled): Nightwing! Dick: You did want to meet - or do you just like playing computer games? Now let’s make it snappy - I’m in New York on my own business. Tim: And a big fat hi to you, too. (Showcase '93 11 - Dick's upset because he's blaming himself for someone Chulo murdered)

Dick: He didn't send you to check up on me? Tim: Huh? Dick (scowling): Don't play dumb. Tim: Batman? I came down on my own, Dick. What's with the attitude? Dick: Sorry, Tim. I haven't been making a lot of progress since I got here. (N 6 - Dick's self-aware here - he's on edge because he thinks he's doing a bad job)

Babs: Okay, calm down, take a deep breath, and explain again why you’re so angry… Dick: Why am I angry? I’m not angry, I’m–I’m–I’m dismayed, okay? I’m dismayed that there can be a Robin who believes Batman could be guilty of murder! How could that happen, Babs? How could that happen?! (GK 26) Kory: You could say goodbye to your teammates. Dick: They're not my teammates anymore. Kory: They noticed. (TT/O Secret Files 2005)

You'll notice that several of these include Dick backtracking and apologizing. He doesn't hold grudges or fume forever! And Dick's generally self-aware enough to realize why he's snappish once he takes a step back:

Dick: I…I’m sorry…I know this isn’t your fault. Here I’m attacking you - and you’re probably just as scared as I am. I just feel so frustrated. Batman could always remain calm in a crisis. I guess that’s just another difference between us. Maybe I’d be better off if I just cut myself off from all feeling like he does. (NT 77)

Something Dick generally isn't apologetic about: Dick is intensely self-critical about badly-done vigilante work, and in a team setting, he's not that patient with other people's mistakes.

Here's Dick calling a team meeting so he can scold the team in Titans 13:

Dick: Lock the doors, sit down, and pay attention. And that's an order. ... Our performance against Tartarus and the HIVE was unacceptable. Each and every one of you should thank God you weren't killed.

Here's an argument between Dick and Donna in Graduation Day 2 - the context is that Young Justice just screwed up an earlier fight, and Tim's berating himself and Conner while Dick and Donna eavesdrop (you'll notice that like Dick, Tim tends to be pretty self-critical + impatient with teammates):

Conner: The Titans got their lumps. Tim: No, the Titans got our lumps. They were looking out for us. There we were, shoulder to shoulder with the inspiration for Young Justice. And we lose half our team and half of theirs. Conner: Tim, I bet they were a lot like us when they started. Tim: No, I don't think so. (Donna and Dick are eavesdropping.) Donna: He's being awfully hard on himself. Kind of reminds me of someone. Dick: I don't know what you're talking about. Donna: You could tell him he's wrong. Dick: Is he? Donna: We stepped in it plenty of times, Dick. Plenty. We got beat by Dr. Light. Completely pantsed by Trident. We had the ill-conceived idea that the Mad Mod was a threat. There was that time in South America when we left Garth in the sun for three hours. Lots of stuff… We even got kidnapped by Count Vertigo. How embarrassing was that? Dick: I didn't get kidnapped. I got nabbed when I was coming to save Roy. Donna: Nevertheless, they could use a kind word. Dick: I'm not sure a kind word is what they need.

The upshot is that Donna goes to comfort Cassie while Dick goes off alone.

Again, the point is not that Dick goes around fuming about his teammates 24/7! He cares about the Titans and trusts them to watch his back; he feels the same way about Tim.

But in the heat of the moment, he'll sometimes get snappish or impatient, especially with people he's close to. The friends that Dick has who stick around are the ones who are tough enough to stand up to him, and who understand him enough not to take his occasional moods personally.

Dick + lashing out at loved ones

This one's a bit meaner. Dick's really good at picking out other people's insecurities, which he almost never uses against them ... but when he's retaliating, he's got an instinct for what will hurt the most:

Dick: No, I won't stop it. How dare you tell me what to do when you screwed up so badly Raven could be dead by now? Who knows what Mento did to Gar and Vic? Maybe your failure killed Kole. No, I won't stop. I won't! Donna (punching him): Shut up, Dick! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore! Dick: But you're going to, Donna. You made me listen to what you had to say. But you don't like hearing the truth about yourself, do you? The perfect Donna Troy maybe isn't so perfect after all. (NTT 19 - Dick's under an ambiguous amount of Brother Blood influence during this period, but he's also just really upset about Kory, and I tend to interpret BB as "reducing his self-control" not "he's a totally different person")

Bruce: I didn't expect to see you again. Dick: I heard about Jason. I'm really sorry, Bruce. Bruce: You weren't at the funeral. People asked about you. Dick: C'mon, Bruce - talk. Don't turn your back on me. I'm here… now. Bruce: You were lucky. When you didn't listen to me, your injuries weren't fatal. Of course, by the time I properly trained you - Dick: Bruce, c'mon…lay off. I'm not here to fight. Bruce: Then don't! Dick: Are you blaming me? I left, so Jason replaced me, and because I left he died? No way, pal. Jason wasn't me. I was a trained acrobat. I could think quickly in perilous situations. But why did you let him become Robin before he was ready?!? Bruce (punching him): Don't you dare blame me for Jason's death! Don't you dare! (NT 55 - this fight is ofc 110% Bruce's fault even before the punch, but Dick absolutely is blaming Bruce for Jason's death here) Dick (trying to punch Roy): GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU TRAITOR!  Roy: Dick, I'm your friend… Blast it, man - why are you doing this?  Dick: Friends don't turn on friends, Harper. I've been there every time you called me. I sat up with you all night while you were detoxing. That was not a pretty sight.  (NT 101 - Dick's upset about getting fired as team leader)

Dick: I disgraced myself and my uniform. Both uniforms. I have to learn to live with that or quit. No more surprise visits, Babs. Don't make me sorry I put an elevator in this building. (BoP 37)

Roy: Look at you! Your greatest fear in life, the thing that eats at you - is that you're terrified of becoming Batman!! A cold, detached, emotionless loner. I've got news for you, that's exactly what you are. You've become the man who raised you. Dick: Yeah…and you're just like the man who raised you. A shallow, self-loathing, womanizing thrill-seeker. Except he was never a junkie. (O 16) Gar: I guess it doesn't bother you that your new teammate killed your old one? 'Cause it sure bothers the hell outta me. Dick: Enough. I'm here to find Kory and Tim. I don't need Terra's best friend lecturing me about loyalty. (TT/O Secret Files 2005)

Dick + 1st meetings with future siblings (+Steph)

I hesitated including this on the list because it's lower-key and not always anger per se, but I think a lot of times when people say Dick "has a temper," they're not necessarily talking about his angriest moments so much as pushing back against the idea that he's happy or welcoming all the time.

If you're reading post-Crisis canon, Dick's a prickly introvert who can be slow to warm up to newcomers in Gotham. He's not exclusively cranky by any means! But he's not all smiles, either. Here are some snappish moments from first meetings with Jason, Tim, Cass, Damian, and Steph:

Dick: They'll probably switch to another lab, now that you've spooked them. Jason: Then it's no big deal! We'll just locate their new digs and bust them when they take possession. Dick: Wrong! I'll locate the new lab all by myself! You're going home to tell Batman how you screwed up tonight! Jason: Come on... (from Dick's first meeting with Jason in B 416 - Jason attacked a group of criminals too hastily)

Dick: Now, who the hell are you? Tim: That doesn't matter now. Dick, look at this please. Dick: Kid, I don't like games. (from Dick's first-technically-second meeting with Tim in LPoD - Tim's been chasing him all around the circus, and although Dick doesn't yet know this, also broke into his apartment)

Bruce: You can trust her. Dick: Six months ago, that would've gotten you further than it will now. Now, I'm not sure it's enough. Bruce: What more would it take? Dick: An explanation of who she is for a start. (from Dick's first meeting with Cass in B: LotDK 120 - Bruce went AWOL for months and has now resurfaced with a protégé) Jason: It's a new world. It's not all backflips and balance bars. You were good. Were. But Gotham needs a tougher Robin now. Dick (internally): A sneaky, mean little punk. Maybe you hired him before the Joker could. (from the retold version of Dick's first meeting with Jason in N 104 - Bruce gave stupid instructions leading Jason to misunderstand and pick a fight with Dick)

Dick (internally, when he notices Damian's makeshift Robin costume): Damian's costume. Note to self: smack a clue into this kid. Damian: You're embarrassing me! Dick: You do that just fine on your own. (from Dick's first meeting with Damian in N 138 - Damian's probably scared, which means he's snarky; he's making rude remarks and resisting Dick and Tim's attempts to protect him)

Dick: What in the hell were - are - you thinking, throwing someone so reckless into the field like that? Babs: Gosh, Dick - I'm sorry I haven't spent more time trying to train a murderous little twit. (from right after Dick's first meeting with Steph in BG 5 - Steph accidentally froze Damian)

How much you weight these moments depends a lot on your personal aesthetic preferences! I love conflict, and Dick's initially kinda thorny relationships with his siblings are part of why I enjoy him as a character. I don't feel the need to "fix" this kind of grumpiness and honestly I don't even really see it as a flaw? Dick's not morally obliged to like his future siblings on first meeting them, and if he never got snappish with any siblings ever, no matter how annoying they were being, he'd be a lot less interesting to me personally.

For me, Dick's prickly side adds an important nuance to his characterization, and makes it more compelling. He's a human being, not a conduct book! His strength is that he's willing to reconsider his first impressions, not that he never has negative first impressions.

That said, obviously genre and context matter! I have enjoyed plenty of softer takes on the Batfamily in fanworks, and in a softer, gentler world like e.g. WFA, it would be weird to keep Dick's grumpier moments. Also, Dick obviously isn't 24/7 harsh to his siblings - he can also be really empathetic and protective, and although he never gets especially close to e.g. Steph, he does change his mind about her, and he's ultimately a huge source of emotional support to Tim and Damian (they grow on him! ... eventually).

In Conclusion

One of my favorite Dick stories of all time is Nightwing 139, and I think it nicely encapsulates how I see Dick's anger - it's an important contrast to his softer side. He's a person with an instinctive temper, and compassion and understanding aren't always immediate or easy or effortless for him. But he's also a loving person with a big heart, and it's the love that always matters to him in the end.

Here's Dick discovering that Tim is thinking about using the Lazarus Pit, getting angry, and leaping down to try to physically stop him ("He may not stop you, but I sure as hell will!")

Dick (sarcastically): So, Robin... you think maybe we can hug this out?

It's important to me that Dick's first instinct is to have a physical fight, not to try to talk! He does all the wrong things before he does the right thing! He doesn't magically know the right thing to say to Tim right away!

But doing the right thing matters to him, and Tim matters to him, which is why he gets there eventually. When Tim tears up Dick softens at once:

And in the end Dick backs off and lets Tim make the choice, which isn't easy or instinctive for him either! But it's the right thing to do, and it's what Tim needs to pull himself out of the power struggle and realize he's making a mistake, and then Tim stammers apologies and Dick reassures him and they do hug it out, and it's very tender:

Without Dick's anger, you don't have a lot of his stories. But his anger doesn't define him - he doesn't let it. As Dick puts it,

"Yeah, I get angry. Sometimes I get so pissed I want to break everything in sight. But everyone gets mad. Everyone gets frustrated. But I don't fight out of anger! I fight when there's something wrong that needs to be stopped! And that's why I'll never be you! I don't fight to kill - I fight to protect!

And that's a big part of why I think he's great.

[power-handmaiden]

Day 35: Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn

I love how much contempt for its characters this tingler starts off with. We have the iconic man/woman couple who are always the subject of conservative boomer humor about relationships, the emotionally unavailable man and his overbearing shrill wife, who don't even like each other, let alone love or show any attraction to each other. It feels like a caricature but it actually makes more sense when the man turns out to not actually be attracted to women, honestly.

This tingler aged... interestingly. The protagonist's crisis of sexuality is brought on by his attraction to Bort Jenkins, a unicorn athlete and reality TV star who was born as a dinosaur and recently transitioned to a unicorn. Clearly a stand-in for Caitlyn Jenner. (If my rudimentary research is correct, Bort's resemblance to her deadname is because this was written in that specific time period where she had come out as trans, but not publicly revealed her name yet.) She's a controversial figure for many reasons that I'm not going to get into now, but this comes from a time when people were pretty much just laser-focused on the trans thing. Bort isn't really a character who does anything in this story anyway, more of a news item for characters to discuss.

Another present day context that really changes how I read this story is the conservative furry panic of the past few years. Yes, the "if people can identify as other genders, what if they start identifying as ANIMALS?" dumbfuck made-up problem is much older, but it's really having a moment now. This story was an absurd concept when it was written but now we have real elected officials in the USA freaking out over the idea of people "identifying as" different species, bringing this story a whole lot closer to realism than anyone would've expected in 2015. To me, the message of this one feels closer to the conservative furry strawman than it does to real trans issues, especially with the whole "you're gay regardless of whether you're into human, unicorn or dinosaur men" thing; we're dealing with an issue of species transition where gender is static. (Truth be told, I don't think it was the best move to make a comparison to a real-life trans woman and make this point in association because I've seen how people misinterpret such things... but I'm sure Tingler readers in particular understand the abstraction and that this isn't applicable directly to the real person) I feel like a version of this story could be written today with the message of "what if the conservative strawman version of the furry fandom was real and not just a way of targeting queer people without saying you're targeting queer people? Would it really be that bad or even different of a world to live in?"

I'm interested to see how Dr. Tingle tackles trans issues in the future. Despite a couple things that read as dated to me I see a good foundation here from someone who is still working through his own feelings about gender identity. I know that future tinglers will have explicitly trans characters and the perspective of a trans author who has explored and introspected on his own gender identity more thoroughly.

(Also there's a tingleverse connection in this one: mention of the "first human player in the UFL" refers to the events of "Pounded By The Gay Unicorn Football Squad")

[areyoudreaminof]

A Dreamer with No Stars: An Eris Vanserra Playlist

Eris snatched me right off the page. A cold, cruel, and calculating male from an elaborately macabre court. Then ever so slowly, we begin to see a male trapped in the web of his father, the only protector his mother has left, the deep seated regret he has over the loss of his youngest brother. Then there's his history with Mor. What happened in those woods? I agree with Eris that there is more to the story there. Cassian's last words to him, "I think you might even be a good male. You're just too much of a coward to act like one.” are on to something. He's not a coward, but rather someone stuck in a terrible situation having to fight for his survival. Eris Vanserra had dreams, but no stars to hear him.

I'd like to dedicate this one to my favorite Eris girlie, @ofduskanddreams, who gave me an amazing song for this playlist and for just being wonderful!

LISTEN HERE and follow me behind the cut for a lyrical deep dive!!

Who Are You, Really?-Mikky Ekko

So you feel entitled to a sense of control And make decisions that you think are your own You are a stranger here, why have you come? Why have you come, lift me higher, let me look at the sun Look at the sun and once I hear them clearly, say Who, who are you really? And where, where are you going? I've got nothing left to prove Cause I've got nothing left to lose See me bare my teeth for you Who, who are you?

Smoke and Mirrors-Gotye

You're a fraud and you know it But it's too good to throw it all away Anyone would do the same You've got 'em going And you're careful not to show it Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit It's like magic But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game Anyone would do the same

Mother, are you watching? Are you watching?

DLZ-TV on the Radio

This is beginning to feel like the long winded blues of the never This is beginning to feel like it's curling up slowly and finding a throat to choke This is beginning to feel like the long winded blues of the never Barely controlled locomotive consuming the picture and blowing the crows to smoke This is beginning to feel like the long winded blues of the never Static explosion devoted to crushing the broken and shoving their souls to ghost Eternalized, objectified You set your sights so high But this is beginning to feel like the bolt busted loose from the lever

Devil Devil-MILCK

Clever Devil, Devil How quickly they do sell their souls For the feast and the promise of gold But devil that won't be me Devil, Devil Bones of metal metal You torture saints with a single glance Make them think they ever stood a chance

The Stigma (Boys Don't Cry)- As It Is

You feel an emptiness inside How it sinks into your soul But it’s nothing you can’t hide Just forget about the hole beneath your skin That’s swallowing the best of you with it Don’t let them see you fall

The Day is Coming-My Morning Jacket

You need it, that's for sure You receive, but always want more Taken for granted This lifetime and what's up ahead But the day is coming The day is near The day is coming

Zephyrus-Bloc Party

Too many mirrors in this house And I don't like to see myself like this I'm becoming the man I used to be, I guess These walls could tell you a thing or two Things that you really don't want to know Lend me your eyes for your point of view Lend me your feet and I'll stand up for you

Enemy-Imagine Dragons

I wake up to the sounds of the silence that allows For my mind to run around, with my ear up to the ground I'm searchin' to behold the stories that are told When my back is to the world that was smilin' when I turned Tell you you're the greatest But once you turn, they hate us Oh, the misery Everybody wants to be my enemy Spare the sympathy Everybody wants to be my enemy

Lunacy-Swans

In the mind of no one Forming sun, forming love Break the chain, hide within Innocence, not innocent Innocent in no sense Eat the beast, keep him in Take the blame, speak the name

Tranquilize-The Killers

Always here, always on time Close call, was it love, or was it just easy? Money talks when people need shoes and socks Steady, boys, I'm thinking she needs me I was just sipping on something sweet I don't need political process I got this feeling that they're going to break down the door I got this feeling they they're going to come back for more See, I was thinking that I lost my mind But it's been getting to me all this time And it don't stop dragging me down

What Went Down-Foals

I buried my guilt in a pit in the sound With the rust and the vultures and the trash downtown So don't step to me, kid, you'll never be found Cause while you were sleeping, I took over your town When I see a man, I see a lion When I see a man, I see a liar You're the apple of my eye, of my eye, of my eye

Devil I Know-Allie X

I want to, wanna get free (Get free) But staying with you is easier, than leaving Feels like a holiday breeze when we go up But you bring me down to my knees when push comes to shove

I could pretend that I'm just praying now But I'm only on my knees I could scream, “Somebody help me out” But the wicked one is me

Blame-Bastille

Fall upon your knees, sing: "This is my body and soul here" Crawl and beg and plead, sing: "You've got the power and control" Don't pin it all on me Don't pin it all on me!

The Foundations of Decay-My Chemical Romance

See the man who stands upon the hill He dreams of all the battles won But fate had left its scars upon his face With all the damage they had done Let our bodies lay, mark our hearts with shame Let our blood in vain, you find God in pain Now, if your convictions were a passing faith May your ashes feed the river in the morning rays And as the vermin crawls We lay in the foundations of decay

You must fix your heart And you must build an altar where it swells When the storm it gains, and the sky it rains Let it flood, let it flood, let it wash away And as you stumble through your last crusade Will you welcome your extinction in the morning rays?

The Angry River-The Hat & Father John Misty

The awful cost of all we've lost As we looked the other way We've paid the price of this cruel device Till we've nothing left to pay The river goes where the current flows The light we must destroy Events conspire to set afire The methods we employ These dead men walk on water Cold blood runs through their veins The angry river rises As we step into the rain

taglist: @ofduskanddreams, @krem-does-stuff , @krem-has-a-mess, @octobers-veryown, @melting-houses-of-gold, @velidewrites, @reverie-tales, @thesistersarcheron@ultadverb, @c-e-d-dreamer, @andrigyn, @foundress0fnothing, @vulpes-fennec ,@asnowfern,@mossytrashcan, @thelovelymadone, @the-lonelybarricade, @shadowriel, @separatist-apologist , @fieldofdaisiies, @stickyelectrons, @vanserrass, @panicatthenightcourt, @krem-does-stuff, @iftheshoef1tz, @damedechance, @headcanonheadcase, @cursebrkr, @andrigyn, @mossytrashcan, @thelovelymadone, @wilde-knight, @moonpatroclus, @stickyelectrons, @kataravimes-of-the-shire, @mossytrashcan, @sunshinebingo, @filthyglamdoll, @ablogofbipanic, @bagelfyre

[ne0nwithazero]

Well now I really want a drabble of that 'the world's fake' conversation.

It's a bit of a draft I just spent these past hours writing on my phone 💙 I wrote and am posting through my phone so apologies in advance if if the formatting gets messed up ;;

***

The silence was deafening. Mike had a tense look on his face, looking to avoid his TV friend's gaze as much as possible.

Despite having no visible eyes, he could still feel Host's gaze burrowing deep into his soul. Or maybe in his nerves, he was projecting emotions and trying to picture some form of expression in the soft static of their screen.

The cathode frowned pensively, taking their small whiteboard and erasing what they had written on it, picking up their marker as they wrote something else before flipping it to Mike.

"You don't believe me."

"N-No, not that!” Mike immediately snapped out of his trance, almost losing his balance as the phantom pain of where his limbs should be continued to linger "It's just that… It's a lot to take in…!"

Host's stern expression softened as they held the board close to their body, not actually writing anything. Their gaze continued being on Mike, who did the closest approximation to sitting down that his small incomplete body could allow.

He was still having trouble processing it all, if he told himself one month ago that he'd be living at a stranger's house because his body broke down, he'd call himself insane. He felt insane, claustrophobic, and like he was losing his mind.

But Host… Host wasn't a stranger, at least not anymore, spending all of this time together, a bond was inevitable. But he wasn't even sure if the TV also considered him a friend, or if he was just a nuisance brought by a fate that had decided that they were now bound together.

It was hard to read Host's expression, not that he could blame them. Learning that there was no way to fix their voice, left Mike with little hope that he'd be able to ever walk on his own again.

And the way Host would look at him just left him embarrassed, it was like a mix of pity, but also an anxious avoidance, like they expected him to resent them for what happened.

"I do believe ya…" Mike quietly stated "I'm just havin' trouble with understandin' the full picture…"

He saw Host hold their breath as he said this, writing down again.

"Full picture?" They wrote and Mike nodded in response.

"That none of this ain't… real…?" He hesitantly muttered, hearing a quiet wheezy gasp from Host who nodded while fidgeting with their hands.

Host knew the lightner who spoke in their mind didn't want them telling Mike about any of this, that he "wasn't like them", that he "wouldn't get it", but Host still cherished having someone listen to them. Mike just had a way of keeping their thoughts from drifting.

"And if the world isn't real… Am I…? A-Are you…?" The small microphone seemed tense as he spoke, looking up with an expression like he was both terrified of them but also knowing there was no one else he'd rather trust. "What is real?”

These last words seemed to get to Host as they began to quietly breathe. Were they real? Was everyone else fake? Nothing but projections of objects in a lightner's home? Were they even alive? Was any of this actually happening?

"S-So if we ain't real… I… My lightner… He…" Mike expectantly looked at Host, who gave him a look of mourning.

"Objects. In the light world. That's what we are." Host wrote before realizing how shaken Mike had gotten by this. Was this all there was to it?

"B-But… What is this?! Wh-What are we?" Mike called out, realizing he was getting overwhelmed and swallowing in deep "I-It just makes no sense…!"

Host looked apologetically, reaching out to Mike who allowed them to hold and hug him close while whispering a very croaky and glitchy apologies.

Focusing on the sensation, Mike closed his eyes, his tail wrapping around his friend's hands as he took deep breaths. Host remained quiet, more than usual that was, laying back on the couch they had been sitting on.

If they had a heartbeat, Mike could swear he'd be able to hear it, instead, he focused on the soft static sound of their screen and the gentle whirring of the machinery within their chest.

Mike had been denying himself the thought, but Host's company made him way too happy. He was still terrified of them, but yet, no one ever held him with such care or bothered to comfort him. How he wished he still had the arms to hold them back. How he wished to make their pain go away.

"Host… I… I dunno what bein' real is… But… You're real… to me at least…"

Host didn't respond, but Mike heard their chest whirring more intensely as he spoke, with their hands still holding him and playing with his cord. They tried to speak, but winced as they did, taking a deep breath before very slowly trying to sign something with their hands.

"You… R… E… A… L"

Mike looked up at them with bright eyes, tail curling curiously as Host looked embarrassed and grabbed their board, quickly writing something down with Mike still on their chest.

"Idk the sign for REAL yet"

They showed this and grinned as Mike began to laugh quietly before sighing.

"We can keep learnin' your signs, don't worry 'bout it…" His smile became solemn "I dunno what's really out there… But… Is it so bad in here? Where we are?"

Confused by his statement, Host looked thoughtful and then wrote again, taking about a minute to do so, getting shakier as they did.

"You can't move. I can't talk. Aren't you upset? I don't like this world. I don't like the pain. I don't like that I did this to you."

Their words became wobblier by the end as Mike looked apologetically at them, becoming thoughtful and quiet once more as he rested on their chest.

"I'm upset, but… it's not at you, y'know? He sighed "Forget 'bout me, just… I want ya to know that I… uh… n-nevermind..."

He paused, hesitating as Host glanced expectantly at him, signing a "What is it?" to which Mike grew flustered.

"N-No, it's nothing important…!" But their gaze spared him no mercy as he glanced at the sides "...It's just that… This… E-Even if it ain't real… Is still the most alive I've felt in a long time… That oughta count for somethin', I think..."

Host became flustered by this comment, clearing their throat and grabbing their board, making it so it was at an angle that covered their embarrassed face, and they held their marker in place, unsure of how to respond.

"...Host?”

They began writing again, before quickly flipping the board.

"I feel the same way."

[gnomeniche]

lesley as the world itself

hey guys hey guys hey guys. another theory about what lesley could be struck me out of nowhere.

let's dive right in: lesley could be a personification of the show/world the students live in.

what led me here? well, it's a little weird that the back of lesley’s coat has bricks on it. the rest of her design is filled with imagery from the lessons, and though there have been bricks in the series, they aren't an especially prominent motif. but they are in such a prominent place on her design. she's even introduced back-first.

as i was ruminating, the thought struck me: a house is made of bricks. the house that the students can’t leave, the house that is their whole world, is made of bricks.

so then i looked for other repeated elements in her design.

besides the bricks, the back of her coat features the sky, a sun, and a grassy landscape, which are the only features of the world outside the house.

and speaking of the sky, there are so many sky patterns on the rest of her clothing. it's most obvious on her shirt, but the pattern is on her trousers, too. the sky is heavily associated with the world's constructed and electric nature. in the tv show, it goes out altogether when the electricity is gone. even in the webseries, its artificiality was notable; it constantly changes with the whims of the teachers.

the large areas of pink on her coat are also notable, as the house is pink, and there are bits of patterned black and white on her, which calls to mind the floor tiles, though she doesn't have checkerboards exactly. these patterns are zigzagged in some way, though, which may suggest tv static.

she has so much imagery associated with the world in her clothing, which is a deliberate design choice. thus, it could reflect what she is, and i feel like what she is might be an appendage of the world. we know that lesley is likely not a real human, so she could be a constructed image of one. and i've said for a while that i feel like the world itself is sentient. maybe she is a mouthpiece through which the world can speak and interact? which might suggest some interesting things about the world's state, given how much internal torment comes through in how lesley acts and speaks about her role and existence.

and if i am to glue this to my theory that there was a real showrunner lesley once and our lesley represents the host character she may have played, it could make sense that an abandoned, sentient show/world would piece together a puppet of its long-gone creator/host for its own use, or even that the host character is so tied to the show as a show that their consciousnesses are one.

the exact mechanics of it aren't important; it could be a lot of things. what is important is the theory that lesley might be synonymous with the show/world, so the show's will and whims are lesley's and vice versa.

(of course, we don't have enough information to really say anything definitive about what lesley might be, but i find this an intriguing and exciting idea.)

[emberwood-if]

How would the ROs react to mc saying that “they’d wished they’d never met them” (I’ve seen this ask everywhere and the angst is too good)

*rolls up sleeves*

Alex: Alex steps backward as if struck, their usual face of indifference giving way to one you've never seen before: hurt. They inhale deeply, their eyes darting around everywhere but your face. It's almost as if they're trying to escape...or better yet, brace themself for the next moment that feels so vital. So world shattering. Your words hang in the air for a moment before Alex inhales, fixing their face back to that emotionless mask you've come to recognize as their own.

"Wish granted." It feels almost like mockery, the way Alex dutifully curtsies and bows their head to you. Still, you can't help but notice that they don't look you in the eye. Their face crumpling when they turn away fully and breeze out of the room with a speed that leaves you speechless.

K: K swallows hard, their eyes going from your face to your feet like they're soaking you in one last time. "Is that what you want?" they ask, voice hollow with an emotion you can't place. "Is that what you really want?" You open your mouth to speak but clamp it shut a moment later. You have nothing to say. Your mind is the TV static on an unavailable channel. Your blood rushes to your ears like a tidal wave.

K smooths their hands on their pants and nods, frowning. "Okay." They suck in a sharp breath. "Okay." For a moment they look lost, dazed, before nodding. "Okay," they say one last time, much quieter now.

You're left to do nothing but watch K leave.

Dani: Dani's brows furrow. "Me?" A sharpness takes over their town, pitching with a shakiness you've never heard from them. They step forward, coming so close you stumble back out of surprise. "I wish I'd never met you." With every word, their voice gets lower, less confident. You know it's a lie; you can sense it in the way their lower lip shudders, the way they can't even look you in the eye. Or how...resigned they appear, their lips thinning with a somber acceptance that makes you want to grab the words you spoke in the air and take them back. But you can't. What's said is said.

Fight harder, you want to scream, fight like you always do.

Why now? Why does Dani want to be agreeable now, of all times? Now, when you need their fighting spirit the most.

"I guess we're finally on the same page." Dani's voice cracks at the last word, but they keep their chin high, pride hitting the final nail in the coffin.

"I guess we are," you reply, the burning touch of tears stinging your throat.

F: F stares at you for a moment before letting out a small laugh. "Come on, MC. You don't mean that." You rear away when they try to give you a playful nudge, and F's easy smile slowly slides off their face. They clear their throat, straightening. "Don't say that," they say strongly. "Whatever you're feeling...I'll give you space. Just, please, don't say that."

You say nothing, burning holes in the space behind F's shoulder. You always liked F's lack of armor; they never hid how they felt. When they were happy, they were happy. Excited. Amused.

F thought it was a character flaw. You found it endearing. But now, seeing the hurt on their face, you understand what they meant.

You hate how F can't even hide how much those words hurt.

"I'm just..." Their words get caught in their throat. "I'll just leave you alone." With glassy eyes, F turns around slowly, as if to give you ample time to tell them to stop. When you don't, you see their shoulders lift with their inhalation before they speed off, leaving a burst of wind in their wake.

Perry: Perry's eyes widen and his lips part. He runs a hand through his hair, his face going through a million emotions at once. You know him; you know he's trying to decide whether to react as Perry, your {boy} friend or Perry, your mentor.

He looks at you, face stricken with pain. "MC, let's talk about it-"

"I don't want to."

He sucks in a sharp breath. At his side, his fist clenches. "Okay. I..." He blows a breath through rounded cheeks. "I just remembered I have to do something. Um, I'll see you." He doesn't even let you speak before he's teleporting away, leaving you alone.

N: N's brows furrow, and they rub their arm slowly, not meeting your eyes. "Do you mean that?" they ask, their voice soft. Their reaction isn't unexpected; N always has a delicate almost wary way to them.

They shake their head, answering the question for you. "Of course you did. It's not the first time I've heard that."

Something within you churns with heat. "N-"

"I don't regret meeting you." N's voice is firm in its conviction, it's almost surprising. "And I'm sorry."

You say nothing as N manages a small smile before turning away, rushing out the room.

E: E stares at you, narrowing their eyes from their spot against their desk. You don't even know how it ended up like this; in their office, arguing, saying things you're not sure you even meant.

"You should go home," E says firmly, their voice distant. They absently toy with papers on their desk, evidently avoiding your gaze. "It's getting late."

"E-"

"Please," E pleads. For the first time they're vulnerable, you realize. Exposed in a way they've never been before. E isn't the one to show weakness; emotional or otherwise. But now, everything is out in the open: their eyes are dark, their frown pronounced. Their hurt bright under the lights in the office. "Just go." Their voice shakes. "Before you break my heart further."

You sputter, eyes wide as you gaze at them. When E looks at you again, they look exhausted.

"MC, just go." Their throat bobs. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Speechless and not knowing what else to do, you nod. E pushes themself off the desk and leads you to the door, their head down, eyes gazing at their face as they lean against it. They don't even move when you walk by them to exit.

You turn around to say something but E is already closing the door. You're left to watch them close the blinds of their office, successfully shutting you out.

You can feel eyes on you as you do your walk of shame out of the office, leaving behind so many words unsaid.

[omniblades-and-stars]

Things I'd Like to Know About My Fellow Writers

I was tagged by @korblez, thx bb.

Last book I read: The last book I finished was City of Light, City of Poison by Holly Tucker, which is a fascinating look at an era of French history I know almost nothing about (granted ... that's also most of French history). That being said, I came to a very different opinion on the subject, Nicolas de la Reynie, than the author. I am currently reading the Night Lords Omnibus by Aaron Dembski-Bowden, I know almost nothing about Warhammer, but I am enjoying it a great deal.

Greatest literary inspiration: Shoo, I dunno guys. One day I want to ride that high of making people feel the way I felt about the spiders in Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky. I have never EVER ever been so moved and invested in a story as I was about a story that is partly about the evolution of spiders into sentient, sapient beings with culture and science. I have far away dreams of doing nonfiction work like Mary Roach. I love her writing and the topics she chooses so much. Stiff and Spook are some of my most favorite nonfiction works.

Things in my current fandom(s) I want to read but I don't want to write: Crawling on my hands and knees for stories about Blackwall that don't involve a love triangle with C*llen. But are also still good characterizations of my boy. I am positive there's more but my poor brain, she is soop.

Things in my current fandom(s) I want to write but I think nobody would be interested in them but me: The exploration of one of my Shepard's backstories via an extended afterlife sequence. More stories with original characters and only original characters in them (I'm an original character machine, you guys should just have me make up characters for you.)

You can recognize my writing by: Repeating phrases, flashback sequences, conversational prose and (so I'm told) strong character voice. Maybe someone gets stabbed a little, and it's kind of sexy. Dance clubs apparently.

My most controversial take (current fandom[s]): Jack and Miranda make no sense as a couple. It's probably not controversial, but I really hate the Arrival DLC and I will continue to take every opportunity I can to yell about how much I hate it. It was narratively important for Mordin and Thane to die. Same vein, I felt like Shepard dying at the end of 3 gave me a sense of closure and finality. Shepard's story is ultimately a tragedy if you really think about it. (This has not stoppd me at all from writing Shepard lives stories.)

Top three favourite tropes: Enemies to lovers, religious metaphors in sex, are flashbacks are trope? Well, I am making them one now.

What’s your current writing mood? (10 – super motivated and churning out words like crazy, 0 – in a complete rut) I dunno ... like a 2. I'm mad strugglin' right now. The ideas are there, but then when I look at the documence, they all run away.

Share a random frustration: I'm just really frustrated with my own brain right now. It's really aggressive TV static right now.

Tagging: @commander-krios, @ferniliciousness, @lag-train, @mushroommanchanterelle

[cybernightart]

I can't remember where I originally read it but I've also seen a couple other people do stuff that's a similar idea and it is not getting out of my brain!!!

Mild CW: mention and slight discussion of depression and numbness, and mention of abnormal eating patterns and anxieties

Pretty much what it was was a theory/headcanon that the reason why Freddy sounds so different in the fazer blast recording compared to his normal talking voice is because he is hella depressed when we meet him in game but is very much trying to hide the fact, obviously not wanting to put that emotional stress on the child who's clearly already under a lot of emotional stress, but he does accidentally let it slip through a few times whenever he brings up bonnie or bonnie is brought up.

But like just the thought of the months or even potentially years (cuz we don't know how long bonnie was gone for but it was long enough for them to replace basically everything mentioning bonnie in the entire pizza Plex except for the bowling alley) that Freddy has been feeling this way with it slowly getting worse and him getting more detached and just numb to everything around him. And I'm pretty sure it isn't very common in animatronics especially those program to live in this fantasy Wonderland or so they're made to think for them to get depressed, we already know stuff is going on with the glam rocks considering chica's compulsive eating habits, Roxanne's anxiety to say the least, Monty's anger issues, even the daycare attendance anxiety and paranoia.

But it also makes a lot of the stuff that Freddy does in security breach make a lot more sense, like why he was so willing to just go against everyone and everything he had known. So willing to burn the place down, and even after just spending a couple extra hours with this random child he bonded with was so willing to just abandon everything and everyone.

If you were to listen to Freddy's thoughts a majority of the time that he wasn't actively trying to help Gregory, you would just hear muffled sounds of things going on around him and TV static, he's just dissociating.

I can't explain it well but to put it simply angsty depresso himbo bear dad!!!!

Also side note

also just the thought of Freddy occasionally burning things and giving into his inner pyromaniac ways but getting away with it because the staff don't think the goody two shoes bear (with the lighter) is doing it is so funny to me XD

[fizzy-fuzz]

psssssst... Hey... YTR sneak peek... (not proofread)

(full work)

Log entry date: 3/7/2023

It's been a little over a month since 079 has been dropped off at my house, and things have been both okay, and not-so-okay at times.

079 has been... Argumentative and hostile, as you guys warned. he's quick to anger, and even quicker to just straight up ignore me completely. Confronting him on this only seems to upset him further, which, fair enough; I'm not entitled to his time or feelings, but I wish he'd be a bit more reasonable.

The few decent conversations we have had are typically about something creative, such as art or music. He seems to enjoy watching things that aren't so analytical, strangely enough given his personality.

On a few occasions now, I've caught him watching people on the TV paint or draw early in the morning. despite his insistence that he doesn't want, or need entertainment. he seems to enjoy it the same as the rest of us.

It was mentioned in the paperwork that I signed before I got him that you weren't entirely sure how much he actually felt emotionally. It said that the people who "interviewed" him stated that he hardly ever showed things such as joy, sadness, or fear. However I've come to realize that's not the case for him.

I know he feels joy, because as I said before he often indulges in tv or music. People don't just do that for no reason, the only thing he could possibly be getting out of that is enjoyment.

And I know he can feel sad, because first day dealing with him he expressed what I would call 'sadness' over being referred to as 'it'.

Similar to sadness, I know he feels fear because my second day here i accidently left him outside after an argument, and it began raining on him for a short period of time. He was fine, but clearly distressed.

I've also been finding ways to understand how he's feeling without him directly telling me. since he's not very talkative at times, and a unchanging screen isn't a very good tell for emotions. I've noticed when he's thinking hard about something his fans and hardware become quieter, and when he's upset they get louder significantly.

He also made a weird... screaming noice? He did it briefly when I left him outside... It sounded like a mix between static and radio feedback, and when I got closer to dry him off his hardware almost sounded like it was stuttering? if that makes sense? Almost like a person panting from anxiety.

Back on to the topic of his personality, I've noticed he's very aware of his surroundings. I've only ever caught him off guard if he's watching something he's interested in

he's very observant too. I suppose it makes sense, what else is he supposed to do? But he always seems particularly pleased with himself when he's able to point out a habit in something, or even me sometimes.

Now... Onto the more important information; his views on humanity.

Well... Nothing's changed as far as I can tell. Still hates me, still hates humanity.

I've tried talking to him about it, and his response is always the same 'humanity is a virus', this usually then falls into a rant about how destructive we are.

To be fair, he isn't technically wrong... Humans are pretty destructive. But he seems to lump all humans into one category, regardless of how they treat him. I've been trying my best to be as inviting as possible, but he remains unshakable.

But hey, I've got quite a few more months to change his mind.

[clarasgh0st]

Superhero media and art shouldn't be made by oppressors, me thinks.

TL;DR: Please let poc, disabled and queer people make superhero art.

With all the recent announcements made about Superman: Legacy and people asking for Greta Gerwig to direct the upcoming Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow film - I've been thinking about how much I wish more superhero art was made by disabled, poc and queer people.

Don't get me wrong I love Gerwig's and Gunn's work (Peacemaker is one of my favorite tv shows and my final project for my film class was about lady bird lol) but I feel like at the core of characters like Superman, Supergirl, Spider-man, etc. There's this understanding of the struggles of the little guy; there's a reason these characters are such a hit in places like Mexico and icons in trans and queer spaces.

They are defenders of the oppressed, it only makes sense that the oppressed got to create the kind of defender we want. As much as I trust someone like Gerwig to understand the female rage inherent to the character of Kara, I don't expect her to know the tragedy of losing your home, of feeling forced to protect people that would rather see you death. Just like I don't expect Gunn to understand the longing for a home you never knew, the despair that comes from being surrounded by people who look exactly like you but will never be able to fully understand you.

And I specially don't expect them to understand the strength it takes to look at all that and still have hope, to wake up and love a world that hates you. The wonder of superheroes has never been in their feats of strength but in their rejection of the world as it is, the wonder of gently holding you and telling you there's a better tomorrow - one where you and me have a place and live happily.

Time and time we see the need for the voices of the unheard to be broadcasted through this modern day legends, be it Ta-Nehisi Coates excellent work on Black Panther, Cody Ziglar's revolutionary spirit in both Spider-Punk and Spider-Man, Vita Ayala's fun and thought provoking take on Static, Jadzia Axelrod's joyous work Galaxy and so so many more incredible superhero books that are able to get to the core of what they truly are:

Dreams, dreams of the freaks and excluded, dreams of a better tomorrow, dreams of a better world.

And we need these legends to be told in the voices of the opressed, to be communicated in our language and to be transformed by our hope.

Thank you for reading <3, stay safe and stay hopeful!

pd: pls if you have any drop your recs for comics and books made by poc, disabled and queer people in the notes!

[sickknotdoom]

OH MY GOSH YES UNI'S GOGGLES HAVE ALWAYS BOTHERED ME SO MUCH!!! I'm not blind/vision impaired myself, but I've heard SO MANY blind people on the internet say that they're sick of magic being used to "cure" blindness. Now obviously every person is going to feel different about it, and every person is going to have a different level of vision loss, but if Uni can only see vague shapes and colors without the goggles (which, okay! there's magic, it's not CURING it, only making it less severe), and can see PERFECTLY FINE AND NORMAL with them (besides everything being one color I GUESS 🙄), why the hell would Uni EVER take them off? Makes no sense. She's not vision impaired, then. She might as well have eyes like everybody else. It's only for looks. It's getting rid of her blindness when it's inconvenient for the story instead of oh, I don't know? Making accommodations for her? Using V4 as an example, scissors and needles are sharp, and they're not supposed to have those. It would make sense for a staff member to supervise/help her when she's making the puppets since she can't see well!

couldntve said it better. sorry for not having much to say, i genuinely dont know how to add onto this without it being iffy since i myself can see relatively fine if i ignore the constant faint tv static

[sunny6677]

Flames.

Summary: Skid is saved from a situation he never thought he'd be in. But now he has to heal from everything he went through. And he doesn't know how.

Chapter 3: A Réunion With An Old Friend,

TWS: VOMIT, EMETOPHOBIA, SELF BLAME, TRAUMA IMPLICATIONS, DISSOCIATION IMPLICATIONS, KIDNAPPING IMPLICATIONS, ABUSE IMPLICATIONS, ANGST.

(SERIOUSLY. SKID GOES THROUGH A LOT IN THIS SHIT. BE WARNED. YES, THIS IS A STORY ABOUT HIM SLOWLY HEALING FROM HIS TRAUMA, OR AT LEAST TRYING TO. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN ITS NOT SOMEWHAT DARK. BE WARNED. DONT WORRY THOUGH, IT DOESNT ROMANTICIZE ANY OF THE DARK THINGS IN IT THOUGH. IT IS POTRAYED AS A BAD THING. THIS IS JUST ABOUT SKID HEALING FROM A BAD EXPERIENCE.)

(I ALSO PARTIALLY WROTE THIS STORY TO KINDA COPE WITH MY TRAUMA, SINCE WRITING ABOUT PEOPLE SLOWLY HEALING FROM THEIR TRAUMA KINDA MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY OWN EXPERIENCES.)

————

Skid looked over to where the door would normally be whenever he heard the sound of the doorbell ringing. His mother did as well, glancing over to where the sound was coming from. It was coming from outside the living room, and from the very entrance of the house. Skid quickly pondered who it could have possibly been who decided to drop by in the middle of the night. Maybe someone was visiting? But why? And who? A small bit of paranoia vibrated in Skid's mind. Maybe it was that man. Maybe he somehow escaped, and had somehow found his house. But that was impossible—he knew it was! His anxiety didn't exactly care for impossibility though.

His mother then looked at him for a moment. She then placed the two plates of heated up pizza beside him on the couch, saying with a smile, "Uh.. why don't you wait here, son? I'll go ahead and see who's at the door."

"Um.. okay." Skid hesitantly replied. He looked over to the pizza slices on both plates. It looked fairly decent, with amber colored cheese and glistening grease that hid between the cracks of barely visible red sauce beneath the cheese. The slices were fairly average sized, so they wouldn't be impossible to eat. Maybe he'd have to be careful though.. he felt a little nauseous. Maybe he shouldn't have eaten those donuts so much earlier.

His mother then proceeded to head for the door, checking to see who had been the one to ring it. Skid still sat upon the couch, his fragile heart beginning to beat from inside him. His heart thumped as fast as a butterfly could fly. An overwhelming sense of dread began to seep into his mind as he stared at the TV's black empty void of a screen. Static was his mind, static were the sounds surrounding him, static was what surrounded him.

His heart beat like a drum against the inside of his chest, and his breathing began to quicken. Why did he feel so nervous all of the sudden? There was no reason to. He was free now! So why did he feel this way? Why when nothing was wrong anymore? Why when he didn't have to sleep in a basement anymore?

He didn't understand. Skid just couldn't understand.

Then—he suddenly felt two tiny arms about the size of his own suddenly wrap around him. Skid let out a noise of surprise. Who on earth was grabbing him? It didn't feel like his mother's embrace, that was for sure. He felt it pull him close, not exactly grabbing him, but holding him close. Whoever it was, they were hugging him. But.. even so, his heart beated still.

And then, he heard a familiar high pitched voice speak from beside him. "Skid!"

It was in that moment Skid realized who it had been. Immediately, his heartbeat slowed down. And a bead of a tear began to slowly seep out from one of his eyes. It was Pump. He had been the one to ring the door. He had come to see him. But did he somehow know Skid had been found by officers and had finally been reunited with his mother? How did he know he was back?

He tried not to question it the best he could. All that mattered to him was that Pump was here. After so long, he was seeing Pump again. That was what truly mattered rather than how he had gotten here.

Skid slowly uttered in a meek voice, "Pump.."

He slowly hugged back—and began to sniffle. He heard Pump begin to sniffle as well, though as he looked at him, he could recognize that Pump was smiling as he began to cry too. He was finally seeing his best friend again, after so long. After so long of being trapped and forced to live with some man he didn't even know. His best friend was here now. Pump said through tears of happiness, "You're back?". Skid nodded, not even noticing his mother watching with a smile from the corner of the room.

"Yeah.. they found me, Pump! I'm back!" Skid cried back, beginning to smile as well. He tightened his grip on Pump, not wanting to ever let go. Pump sobbed still, yet laughter came out of his mouth as well. With wet cheeks stroked from the touch of tears, Pump replied: "Where did you go? Everyone was so worried about you!"

Skid shook his head rapidly, whimpering back, "I—I dont know. Some man took me away when I was leaving the candy store one day, and he made me live in his house. And.." Skid only whimpered more, hugging Pump tighter than he ever had. If he were how he used to be, he would have had his normal childish excitement. But alas, that was gone. His mind had been corrupted with a darkness that had to be healed. But how would such a darkness even be healed enough when he had already been through so much?

Pump looked at him with a worried face, and then held Skid tighter. "Well, that mean man isn't here anymore! Now we can play together like we used to!" Pump smiled with an innocence that Skid barely had anymore. Skid smiled back at him even so, and only gave a small nod. He was just glad to be back with his best friend again.

Skid then finally noticed something. Pump didn't have his costume on, so his real face was revealed. He hadn't physically changed much, for it being an entire year anyway. Pump must have been 8 years old now, while Skid was now 9 years old. So Skid must have missed a birthday of his own and Pumps too.. great. Skid couldn't help but curiously inquire through his slowly fading tears, "Wait.. where's your costume?".

"Oh.. uh.. its at my house." Pump slowly answered, "Spooky Month didn't seem fun anymore without you, so I stopped wearing it."

Skids face softened with slight sadness. He felt a little bad that Pump couldn't even celebrate the one thing he and Skid both enjoyed most because he was gone. He really did feel guilty for not finding a way out sooner. Sure, it was difficult to find a way out in that man's house, but still. "O—Oh.." That was the only thing Skid could softly say out of his own guilt.

"But it's okay! You're back now! We can celebrate together!" Pump grinned, throwing his hands up in the air and briefly pulling away from the embrace he and Skid shared. Skid nervously chuckled, saying, "..y—yeah. But.. I don't have my costume anymore. That man took it away from me.." He fidgeting with his hands nervously.

Pump paused for a moment. "Oh.." A brief look of sadness flashed on Pump's face. And then, he exclaimed in a suddenly happy tone, "Well, that's okay! We can still celebrate it together!"

And then his mother spoke, saying as she approached them both from the corner of the room she formerly stood in. "Yeah, you can both still celebrate it. And didn't I already say that I'd get you a new costume?" She smiled, tilting her head. Skid looked up at her as Pump looked at him curiously. Skid smiled nervously, stuttering, "Y—Yeah..".

Pump threw his hands in the air again, exclaiming excitedly, "Yeah! You can get a new spooky costume, and then we can have spooky fun together again! Hehehe!" Pump giggled, and then began to rapidly spooky dance out of his sheer happiness. Skid looked at him for a moment, as if puzzled. And then he remembered—their little ritual of dancing out of their happiness for the 'spooky month'. Skid laughed nervously, and then began to attempt to spooky dance as well. He did it rather slowly though, as if unsure of whether or not he should do the spooky dance.

Then, his mother spoke again, causing him to briefly stop for a moment. "Well—it's pretty late, so I don't think you two can go and have fun tonight." Pump stopped spooky dancing, and let out a sad 'awww'. "But! You two can still hang out together here. Does your sister know you're here, Pump?" His mother asked with a smile.

"Hmmm.. well, I only told her I was gonna go check if Skid was back again. So maybe.." Pump replied in an uncertain tone. His mother looked at Pump for a moment with an arched brow, and then she slowly responded, "Hmmm.. why don't I call her to let her know that you're staying here a little bit late since Skids back, okay? That way, she won't be worried about you."

Pump merely smiled. "Okay!"

His mother then grinned back, before heading to the room where the telephone was. Skid nervously looked at Pump with a smile, and a look of relieved happiness on his face. A part of him was anxious that maybe this was all a dream. But it couldn't have been when it felt so real, right? He had many dreams of him being saved or escaping before, but he was able to tell when those were dreams. So why was he so anxious about it?

Despite his worrying, Skid was curious about something though.

"Hey, Pump?" Skid spoke up softly—speaking as loudly as he could through his now raspy and weak voice, "What do you mean that you were going to go check if I was back again?"

Pump looked at him for a moment, before briefly prodding his fingers up against eachother as if to fidget with them. He slowly said, "..oh.. uh.. whenever you were gone, I kept visiting Ms. Lila every week to see if you were back. Susie told me that maybe I should stop trying, since I don't think she thought you would come back. But.. I didn't wanna believe you were gone, so I kept coming over to ask if you were back yet."

Pump then smiled nervously, sweating a little. "But you're back now! So now I don't have to keep coming over to see if you came back yet anymore. Now we can play together again!"

Skid looked at him with a somewhat guilty expression. Had his absence really worried Pump that much? Skid could only softly say back, "..y—yeah. We can."

Skid looked at the ground. Everything was fine now. So why did he feel so guilty? Why did he feel so.. empty?

He clenched his tiny fist slightly, only hoping things were really as okay as they seemed.

————

After his mother had told Susie of her brothers whereabouts, Pump had joined the hang out that was only between Skid and his mother for a while. Pump sat on the couch beside Skid, along with his mother who sat on the opposite side. His mother had a hand set on his head, rubbing his ragged hair gently. He really would need a bath soon. A proper bath. While he had been at that man's house, he had to find alternative ways to clean himself just so he wouldn't get dirty. Whether that was bathing by himself while the man wasn't looking, or attempting to wash himself with other forms of water and soap. At the very least, Pump didn't seem to care about what must have been a foul stench coming from himself. And neither did his mother.

The horror movie was one of his favorites. It was at the scene where the woman was in a van with a man who turned into a rather creepy creature. Skid couldn't help but smile at the scene still, despite what he had been through. A child like excitement boiled up from inside him. He felt a little ashamed of it for whatever reason though. The man had always sort of berated or insulted him for having fun or finding rather small things exciting. But what the man said wasn't true of course, so why did he feel that way even so?

Pump had already eaten all of his pizza, for he had basiclaly consumed all of it whole at the beginning of the movie. His mother hadn't finished her piece, for it was half-eaten. And Skid took small bites out of his piece. A feeling of nausea still ached in his chest, and his mouth began to water.

He really hadn't eaten real food in a long time other than the ones the man gave him. It was starting to hurt a little, knowing how much he probably missed out on while he had been gone. Everyone was probably a year older by now, and much probably hadn't changed. But still..

Then, his eyes watered. And out of instinct, he threw his head out of his mother's lap, and made sure he was facing the floor.

The donuts from earlier than emerged from out of his mouth quickly, grotesque sounds being heard as they did. Perhaps he had eaten them too fast, or his body simply couldn't handle what it hadn't been used to. A pain was hidden in the back of his throat as he did. He heard his mother utter something, and he felt Pump's worried gaze upon him. His mother began to pat his back. Skid couldn't exactly hear what either of them were saying right now.

He felt ashamed, for being so disgusting. If the man were here, he probably would have hurt him for doing such a thing. But neither his mother or Pump did. Even if he could barely hear them over the sounds of his own vomit, they didn't. He was relieved but.. somehow it felt wrong.

Why did it feel wrong when he knew the man's behavior was already wrong enough? He didn't know. All he knew was that a sense of confusion lingered in the back of his mind, along with shame and disgust.

////////////////////////

Short chapter, but still.

[sapphicriv]

Welcome!

Hi! I'm Remi! I'm 20 and I decided to restart my queer tiktok account and with that decided to make a Tumblr account. I have a very complicated identity with a lot of uncommon labels that aren't very well known, so I'm going to explain them. Source links will be in my next post

Firstly, my pronouns, as well as they/them, I also use:

ae/aer/aer/aers/aerself

ve/vem/ver/vers/verself

ve/vem/ver/vers/vemself

shey/sher/sheir/sheirs/sheirself

shey/shem/sher/shers/sherself

shey/shem/sher/shers/shemself

shey/sher/sheir/sheirs/sheirself

xe/xem/xer/xers/xerself

xey/xem/xer/xers/xerself

xhey/xhem/xher/xhers/xherself

GENDER:

This is very much still a work in progress, but recently there've been some major developments. I started using xenogenders!

The xenos I currently use are:

messgender: a gender in which someone has almost no idea of what their gender could be, or keeps finding terms that almost fit, but not quite, causing them to jump from label to label. They can’t tell if their gender is fluid or not, how many genders they have, or if they have a gender at all.

keysmashgender: a xenogender that one can only describe through a keyboard smash, such as afkjbdfvbkxfd. It feels chaotic, confusing, and unable to be described by normal words.

chaosgender: a gender identity where one's gender does a lot of confusing things and doesn't make sense to anyone, even to the person themselves. It could be thought of as a very complex gender, a very fluid gender, a gender which is difficult to understand or a gender which is hard to describe in one word.

staticgender: like TV static; fuzzy and incomprehensible. This gender may feel complicated or confusing. It may also feel fluid and everchanging.

blurian: a xenogender identity where one's gender feels blurry. One knows that the gender exists. but cannot figure out what it is

(QUESTIONING) blurgender: a type of genderfluid where one doesn't know what gender they are, because all the genders they are fluid between blur together and become indistinguishable from one another. Someone who is blurgender sort of knows what genders they are fluid between, but cannot tell the gender they are feeling at the moment.

The non-xenos I use are:

(QUESTIONING) Abinary:  refers to genders that are completely unrelated to maleness, masculinity, femaleness, or femininity, and is nowhere in between, being completely away from the binary, whilst still not always being genderless. Abinary genders may describe feeling any strength of gender whilst still being unrelated to the binary genders. The term abinary can be summarised as any gender that is unrelated to the binary.

Genderfade: a gender characterized by an individual's gender only being present when they are thinking about it, and their gender fades or melts away when they are not thinking about it.

aegogender: is the feeling of disconnection or separation of gender from an individual. This term can be combined with another gender, or it can be used on its own. My personal aegogender experiences are

Being genderless but having a vague or abstract connection to some gender.

Having a gender, but feeling disconnected or disassociated from it.

Quoigender:

a gender identity and umbrella term for those who do not fully understand, or want to define, their gender. My personal experiences with quoigender are:

Finding one's gender too confusing

One questioning their gender for so long that their questioning starts to become part of their identity

Not understanding gender at all

AROACE SPEC:

Aegosexual: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal, I don't wanna get banned right off the bat, so I'm just gonna say I relate to all 3 points in the source

Bellusromantic: having interest in traditionally romantic things, such as kissing or cuddling, but not feeling romantic attraction, and not wanting a romantic relationship. A bellusromantic individual may enjoy or desire these activities in non-romantic contexts, but does not enjoy them in the context of a romantic relationship.

(QUESTIONING) Mutoicaro: a  term for when my aromantic orientation changes in response to a situation. For me, I'm primarily bellusromantic, however, if I were to meet a cupioromantic person, and I wished to be in a relationship with said person, I would, this therefore means I am:

arofluid: when one is fluid between aro-spec orientations. for me this is bellus and cupio

cupioromantic: an individual who may desire a romantic relationship, but may experience no romantic attraction.l

Quoiaroace: being both quoiromantic and quoisexual, meaning I don't understand what romantic attraction nor sexual attraction is

I relate to the following experiences:

Being unsure if you experience romantic or sexual attraction or not

Being unable to understand romantic and sexual attraction as a concept or feeling

Being unable to pin down a clear understanding of romantic and sexual attraction, so being unable to say whether or not you experience it

Struggling with romanticism and sexuality because it feels too complicated

Alterous attraction: for me this is a middle ground between platonic and romantic attraction

Omnialterous: experiencing alterous attraction to all genders with a preference

And that's it!

[sailorfutaba]

I watched the Gundam films.

Well, I & II at least. Spoilers under cut.

I can see why these became so popular! They 'flow' a lot better, the deaths of Ryu and Matilda are handled a lot better, and so is Amuro's emotional arc. Someone mentioned that the character development of everyone but Amuro is sacrificed, but I don't really agree. He's the main character, but most of the other characters (whose stories had emotional impact) get their time in the limelight, too. I really like how the deaths of Ryu, Garma, and Matilda are used to point out how nice people die in wars, regardless of what side they're on. Plus, Amuro finding out about Matilda's engagement after her death makes it more poignant. She had a whole life that he didn't know about, and it really highlighted the fact that he's a kid with a crush. One of the main complaints when watching the TV series with my friends was the lack of Newtypes outside of some very few episodes near the end, which makes sense, given that they had to truncate everything. Still, it's pretty jarring. The movies really do fix this by making it a thing from the very start. Also, the reveal of 'SIEG ZEON' was used for really great effect here! I think it worked even better for the Western fans, the audience reactions really echoed the ones of the characters. Unlike the TV series, where a Western audience is more likely to guess it, based on the whole 'Heil Zeon' greetings.

Overall, this was a good way to get people up to speed with why I love Gundam so much. I would say it's better told than the TV series, but I think the two are different beasts, still. The TV series 'works' because we spend so much time with the characters, so I feel like the TV series has the bigger impact, at least for people who enjoy Showa-era animation. At the same time, the TV series is so static that I tend to tell non-Showa otaku to watch it dubbed. The movies can be enjoyed with subtitles. So they're by far the most accessible, I think.