#i don't Think there is because. someone probably woukd have said something by now ? the video is from december

[milkcrownonsonechka]

ok i'm not gonna keep rbing the post because it'll get long but. Hello ?

all i said was "they're more like girlfriends to me" ?

i've seen so many people ship them i Think ,,, unless i was imagining thag but. i don't think i was ???

[not-goldy]

Nah the way Jk whipped it in the parking lot and hit he brakes had me dying. He trying to give Jimin whiplash. Just eating the hell out of my popcorn and watching.

Jk: You're here. FINALLY Jm: I miss V. Jk: ?? okay lets call him. Jm: Should we call RM. Jk: Hi Taehyung Hyung, you're adorable, I love you. Jm: Lets call Suga. Jk: I miss members. Jm: I'm a member. Jk: ….

They really went to bed fighting & woke up fighting. Alexa Play, Pillowtalk by Zayn.

"So we'll piss off the neighbors. In the place that feels the tears. The place to lose your fears. Yeah, reckless behavior. A place that is so pure, so dirty and raw. In the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day. Fucking and fighting on. It's our paradise and it's our war zone."

Lmho

I think we saw different shows🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I nearly posted a meme about them going to bed but was saving it for my analysis on my other blog.

They didn't go to bed angry at all. Like I said, by evening Jungkook's anger had been dispelled.

He was literally singing the moment he saw that bed that night and exclaimed he "loved this" while rolling on the bed😭

Went on and slept passed out next to Jimin- probably the best night in a long time for him stress free with a warm sexy boy next to him��😩😩😩

Then he went out and made a stone flower for Jimin the next morning and prayed to it for him to get better. Called Jimin to come and pray for good health too. Again I don't know bout yall but that was sweet as fuck.

But for real, someone seemed excited to go to bed next to Jimin the previous night🤣🤣🤣🤣

Woke up well rested and in a good zen mood😌

And Jimin had to stink the room for sure but he was like don't mind me at all go poop it out I'll just lie here and sniff it all in🥴💀💀💀💀

And by the way he was the one who diagnosed Jimin with a stomach bug and said they had to get medicine the next day cos it must be a stomach bug.

I don't think they woukd have gotten drugs for Jimin at all because until Jungkook pointed out he needed to take something for it, the crew did nothing for JM even though they knew about it throughout the day when he would run off to use the loo every where they went to.

And he didn't tell JK about it earlier. Jk had to keep asking where Jimin was throughout the day when he would disappear out of the blue.

If he didn't care at all he wouldn't have been searching for him any time he disappeared. Even with V, he still asked where that man was when he wasn't coming.

Dude literally hopped and skipped away from Tae just to catch up with JM. And not to make this a competition but when JM said he regretted coming to be with JK JK said well its too late for that now 🤭

Meanwhile Tae said I shouldn't have come and he said go then. This is our show anyway 🥴

So I dont know why people are exaggerating his sass towards Jimin😩

To be frank, I would have fled the room if anyone was taking a dump three feet from where I slept I don't care if Jimin's shit smells like roses🥴

Jungkook just sniffed it all in if that's not love I don't know what is😩😩😩😩

[cartoonmadness2230]

One day in mid summer my foster parents, with who I was living with at the time had called over a medium (someone who works with the supernatural) to look at our house and to speak to deceased loved ones.

I, age 11 at the time had just lost my own mother not even 2 years back was slightly touched by this offer of getting to speak with my mother again, even if it was for one last time. But I however didn't like the fact about talking to a complete stranger about my mother's passing.

I hesitately sat on the front porch and watched as the medium stepped out of her car.

I don't remember much about her except she was drivering a black car that was probably give or take 6 maybe seven years old, it definitely wasn't new on any means. But I do remember she was wear a leather jacket and a wight button up top with blue skinny jeans and brown flats. I don't remember her face but she had gold ball earrings and blond neck length hair. I think it was dyed cause at the top it looked somewhat black or gray.

My foster parents weighted eagerly on the front porch for the medium to come up the 4 stairs up to the porch.

The medium sat down and smiled, she placed her bag on the side of her chair, readjusted her hair and sighed happily before asking names. (I'm not going to state names of the foster parents because of bad relations I had with them, but I'll call them mother and daughter since the were a family that had adopted me. Side note mother is 62 around this time and daughter is 27.) I didn't even get a chance to say my name or even speak before it was said for me.

I looked down slightly sadden by this and I think the medium could tell to but never said anything. (I can't remember what the mediums name is so I'm just going to call her the medium like I have been.) The medium goes on with speaking before asking about the house and us.

We had nothing strange or weird happen with the house so I don't know why my foster parents were so eager to talk about the house to see if anything was in the house with us. Maybe because the house was built in 1910, but so is the house I live in now.

The mother says that we just moved I that year and are making a garden in the back for my deceased mother. The daughter chimes in and says that they have been digging and going to plant flowers in the back right up against the fence.

This medium stops smiling and looks at the mother and daughter in fear, she glups and says.

**"Don't dig any deeper."**

Everyone goes silent and the daughter simply says "what?"

The medium swallow's hard and grabs her purse, putting it on her lap clutching it hard.

"Don't dig any deeper. For your own good I suggest stopping now unless you want to waken something."

All color drians from my face as the medium says this, my foster parents on the other hand just shrug it off and continue asking about their deceased loved ones. I don't even remember what happened next, I was so zoned put to even recall.

All I remember though is slowly sitting up " I'm going to my room." I say in a panicked voice as I hurry to my room. My foster parents don't say anything probably in assumption that I was going to my room because I was upset about talking about my dead mother.

I close the door and slowly look out the window to the ' garden ' we are making for my mother. As I stare at it my heart sinks and I feel this fear I never felt before. If I already didn't feel as scared as I was I would've been okay. But no, my head hurt, my stomach hurt. I didn't know what was going on, so I turned on my Playstation and turned on Spotify. I listened to some of my music to calm me down, but out of the corner of my eye I see my foster parents start to head to the backyard.

**They start digging**

Again my heats drops and I rush to the window, I can't tell them to stop, I would get in trouble for doing so, I woukd get grounded. I just stare at them as they start to dig, **they find something.**

They call my name and I run downstairs, sliding my flip-flops on and running out the back-door and into the yard.

" Hey Bailey check this out." The mother says " Daughter found some really old kids toys hidden in the ground. " I pause and look at the Daughter, in her hands she's holding a hand full of toys. Some rubber ducks, Donald duck toys, rubber bouncy balls and a singular jack.

I chuckle a bit at the singular jack, but I still feel uneasy. They head inside to wash the toys off.

The toys were so dirty, the must of been there for at least 2 to 3 decades.

It's bedtime and I get into bed, the uneqst feeling already had left me by now and I can sleep easy...

I wake up, room completely dark. My nightlight off, I go to sit up to turn it on, but I can't. I can't move, I'm completely pearlized to the bed. I can feel myself trying to move but no luck. I can still move my head slightly from side to side and up and down. I go to speak, nothing.

Nothing comes out, I look around. Nothing but a muffle. The same uneasiness coming back to me as I finally see it...see **her.**

I look right in front of me to see a girl hiding in the corner of my room, we're my shelf is, she reaches the top of my room. Her neck and upper back hitting the ceiling, the row of shape teeth, matted hair, dirty clothes, yellowed bloody teeth, dirty and brused skin, jetting out bones.

I go to scream, nothing. Tears form in my eyes as I look at her. She stares at me with a inhuman frown, her bones, her limbs. It's like her bones couldn't fit inside of her own body, like she was growing to fast.

Eventually I wake up, tears falling from my eyes as I just stare at the corner she was just in for 10 minutes straight before a name pops into my head.

Janedoe

Janedoe was the onky fitting name, since there was nothing on her to tell me who she was and what she wanted, but rest assured that I wasn't getting any sleep that night.

The next few dreams or nightmares I had with her were relatively the same, except she was now smiling. I had around maybe 3 more dreams over her in this house before we moved to a newer house.

I had around 4 dreams with Janedoe in them, the first at this new house playing out the exact same, the second one was the same but Janedoe slowly came closer to me and either bite my neck or head , i cant really tell. But I could tell in this dream when she bite me she had red eyes, the third dream...

I wake up, not in my own home, but my old home, in my old room. It's daylight outside and I look around confused, not knowing what's going on, the room looks nothing like I used to. Completely white walls, and dirty wood planks coming up from there floorboards.

The only things that were in the room were a bed and I mirror. The bed had lavender purple bedsheets on them with a singular pillow with nothing else. I turn to face the mirror, the wall around it cracking from age.

But when I look in the mirror it's not me, it's Janedoe. I look at her in the mirror, bones jetting out in disgusting ways that would make anyone puke, but she can somehow still stand.

This is when I realize I not me, I'm her. This is a memory of Janedoes.

I believe in the supernatural and withcraft and all that fun jazz since I'm an Atheist. And I'm more spiritual then anything, but this got to me since now I was 12.

She looks out the window pulling back the white curtains that have little embroidered lavender flowers on them, the backyard is filled with lavender flowers, two women in all wight dresses and big floppy hats stand in the yard talking to each other. Janedoe seems puzzled by this until banging can be heard, she goes to open the door but it's locked. She jiggles the doorknob but nothing happens.

This is when I get a good look at the door, I'm no longer in Janedoes point of view. The door is covered in lockes from the bottom to the top of the door, there was at least 30 or more different types of locks. Sliding locks, key locks, it didn't matter.

Soon a man can be heard yelling from downstairs, he stroms uo the stairs angerly with a bekt in his hand. He looks like a priest but everything that's black is white and everything that white is black except his shoes being brown. His hair is slicked back with a permanent cow lick.

Soft whimpering can be heard from inside the room, the man grunts in anger before unlocking all the locks.

" YOU STUPID LITTLE BITCH, YOUR GONNA GET IT NOW!" The man yells as he slams the door shut. Whipping noises can be heard along side with wails and screams.

I wake up, not in the middle of the night but around 10 in the morning. I start thinking about this dream I just had. I researche some of the things I saw in the dream and I now know that this dream most likely took place around 1950 to 1952. I also have a feeling, by how the man acts, and how Janedoe acts that she's most likely 12. She's still just a child. And from what I can make out from my dreams of her and the toys that were barred I the backyard of my old house. Janedoe really liked ducks and jacks.

The last dream I had with her played out like any other, but this time she was smiling a genuine smile at me while waving. Again I woke up in daylight and not in the middle of the night like the other dreams. But now I'm 15 and till this day I've never had another dream about Janedoe.

I think her sprite finally found peace, that she protects me in some way. I think that's a good thought to have dint you think?

Sorry this is so long, my coworker and I were talking and I brought up this. She said to write it into the CreepyPasta website/page. I don't know we're that is so im writing it here.

Here's a drawing of Janedoe

If you guys want to make fanart of her go ahead, just credit me and @ me so I can see your lovely creations! 😊

@t4t-hantunia @max-the-silly-guy @horrorartist23

[astroninaaa]

Hot take a talk about technoblade:

Okay look I've been part of this fandom since August(thank god cuz i watched it all live and it woukd be a nightmare to caatch up) I bring this up cuz i want to discuss my problem with technos character. I have watched every single techno livestream that he made on dream smp and believe it or not i used to be a techno sympathiser that is until doomsday. (By techno apologist standards i am qualified to talk about his character hooray..)

Now techno like every character is flawed if he wasn't he would be boring fandom. One of his biggest flaws is being a hypocrite. That is not something you realise until you compare what he says all the time so you need to look a little deeper to realise it and i don't blame people for not seeing it.

This wouldn't be that much of a problem because that is a character flaw among with many others but the problem that his character has faced is that he doesn't develop much.

Now i hear techno apologist jump at me every single time noooo he isn't a stagnant character he has developed a lot. I am not saying that he hasn't developed at all the problem is that he has developed very little especially when you consider everything.

His goals his ideas his perception of the world what he believes him everything that makes his character him hasn't changed much and that is not a good thing from a writing perspective. Now why do i bring this up. Firstly I'm not saying this to say techno is a bad writer far from it he can be very good when he puts his mind to it. The problem with keeping a character in this state is that it's very harmful for said character first and to the story and other characters second. Look even at yourselves i can guarantee that you aren't the exact same person you were like five years ago for example because during that time you made mistakes learned from them and you grew. Just like in real life you also can't stay stagnant in fiction.

Okay so that's the main problem with technos character that he is stagnant as a character. Now this wouldn't be as big of a problem if he didn't have the role that he has.

You see techno both c! and cc! are very good at the game basically. Now why do i bring this up. The reason why i bring this up is bc of where this places techno whuch is at the very top of the chain don't try and seny it. This means that he is one of the most powerful people on the server if you are going to try and go against this point just look at lmanberg guys that's living proof of how powerful and how terrifying he actually is. I know a lot of you are gonna say but every can get stacked or play the game but you guys forget that even if you are stacked you just don't have the skill and cc! Techno of the best people when it comes to that which bleeds into his character. Saying that is like looking at the upper class than looking at the lower class saying just get rich like it doesn't work like that.

Because of his role techno is literally the 1% by rl standards which means he can a lit of things free of consequences bc no one can give him said consequences. The butcher army was ig an attempt at that but they failed miserably let's be real here.

Because he is in the 1% is incredibly skilled at pvp and can do anything bc no one can challenge him this places him on a pedestal and creates a power imbalance a very big one at that.

And that leads to his biggest problem he has practically everything as said by Techno himself and is never challenged, but that's not an interesting character. An audience gets tired for a character that always wins or loses. Because if it happens repeatedly it just takes all the suspense oh he will win immediately. He will go and slaughter them problem solved. That's it every time. Something that techno himself confirmed is then when he has a problem he just stabs it (both of these were said during the egg stream).

And if you are going to bring the things he went through to say he's changed don't cuz as long as he doesn't act on it it means nothing. Like examples Red festival killed tubbo an ally. Traumatic experience right? This is a good moment to develop his character and give us more insight. What happens? Techno tries to dismiss it and shows us his anxiety and gives us insight on his character Great! Character development? Starting to question himself just a bit or any sign of that event having an effect on him? Nope! Why? Cuz he doesn't act on it instead he tries to hide the fact that ever happened and changes to a different topic bc there is no justification there and he knows it. Nov 16th c!technos pov he just got betrayed caused some damage wished death upon his former allies and left. Quite a dramatic scene. He feels betrayed time for some good old character development. Him thinking about himself and his actions. Reflecting on them. Great moment! Problem: literally everything that shows this is done off camera and now suddenly he's retired... Okay you know what fine it's alright he would probably expand upon and did a timeskip to explain the ling time he didn't stream. I see where it's comming from. The butcher army ge gets hunted down bc actions have consequences techno and you can't just run away like that not after doing that. Great point from the butcher army. Go give him some consequences his character needs it. And then he gets executed alright a bit too far but i guess that's how it goes in this server. Techno gets his life back immediately.. well that was a bit pointless but alright a cool scene for the animatic fair. Then he kills quackity.. the butcher army lost.. this.. what? But this was the moment of consequences... and quackity didn't get it back like techno the butcer aemy lost more than techno what? Moving along he teams up with tommy aannnd the 50 withers are up and ready of course you didn't fully retire what was i expecting. And now team up with tommy perfect way to learn about dream and give more insight on lmanberg and how dream is a tyrant and everything techno is supposed to stand against. The green festival tommy chooses tubbo over techno techno feels betrayed understandable.... and then he teams up with dream lmanberg is destroyed and the underdogs are beaten to the ground loose everything they ever worked for and are taught to be scared of the anarchists?!?!?!?!

Okay now hold up a sec I'll have to stop you right there. What. did. you. just. do. Cuz there is a limit to the amount of stuff you can let a character get away with. The line was crossed months ago this is not good at all.

Also what are yoi guys talking about consequences. Lives? All 3 home? Right there pets? The ones that died were the ones he brought expecting to not live he brought them there on purpose so they don't count. He is one of the most wealthy peoole on the server (no one beats ranboo lol) what did he exactly loose? Friendships? Was that all the hardships you guys have?

Lmanberg lost their home their lives their wealth their pets their friend everything they loved and lived for everything they stood for they lost a part of themselves in the end.

Look at the last 2 paragraphs and how imbalanced that is. How are you guys blind to this How?! And why did doomsday happen? Because the butcher army failed. And if anything techno proved them that they should have punished him harder with this.

So what was the lesson of doomsday?

That you shoukd obey the people on top and never go against them or you will loose everything you love.

Great lesson guys this is exactly the lesson the rich class and every single tyrant tried to teach society and this lesson is being told by the anarchist great job....

Do you see the problem now. This is the reason techno needs a consequence bc if he keeps going like this he will become a Mary Sue. And that is a horrible direction for a character that has a lot of potential. That potential is why i liked his character that much in the beginning but now it's almost non existent. Anyway I'll end this now cuz this went on for too long. That's basically my opinion on it feel free to share your thoughts.

okay. okay. i read this like three times bc. because look

i agree in some very specific points, but i disagree in very broad manners.

(this entire......... essay is all /rp and /nm!!!!)

anyways. send me hot takes!!!

i like c!techno. i personally think he's one of the most fun characters to watch because i enjoy the mess, the crazyness, the chaos of it all. watching doomsday through c!tommy's eyes was painful. watching doomsday through c!techno's eyes was just so fucking hilarious and exciting and fun. he's just a fun character to watch. he's just Funny. i am a fan. however

for starters: ctechno is, 100%, out of the park, an stagnant character. he has little to no development throughout the story. we see no changes in how he acts. that's not necessarily a bad thing, but considering the type of character he is, watching him develop (be it to an actually full-fledged villain or towards a redemption arc) would be ideal to keep him a character people can actually support.

i wouldn't say he's a hypocrite. c!techno has a very strict moral code and he follows it with no hesitation, with no doubts. the point is that his moral code is flawed and skewed. that doesn't make him a hypocrite, that makes him someone with bad morals.

calling c!techno "the 1%" is a stretch. for one- c!ranboo has as much resources, if not more, as c!techno does. he has dozens of totems, thousands of emeralds, and probably has one of the higher counts of diamond and netherite on the server. why is that never brought up? because it doesnt matter. c!foolish has so much gold and diamonds and netherite and just everything, really, and it's also never brought up/a reason for people to be afraid of him. the dream smp isn't a capitalist universe, there's no "1%". specially bc there's, like, i don't know, 20 players? that makes c!techno 1/20 OR 3/20 if we count c!ranboo and c!foolish. but that's not the point at all: the point is that ctechno is feared bc he's skilled and has a relevant personality, not bc he has resources. c!wilbur has no shit and he's still terrifying, there's no character willing to oppose him. not because of resources, but because of who he is. when c!techno first fled from l'manburg into "retirement" he had no shit either, it took him a while to be rich again. no one attacked him either way.

why, you ask? bc he fought against c!quackity with a fucking pickaxe and won. that's why. c!techno doesn't need resources to be feared. the power imbalance doesn't come from his resources, it comes from others’s fear. and they have a reason for that fear, bc c!techno hasn't been defeated yet. that has nothing to do with "upper class" and "lower class". because, one, not a capitalist system and class disparity isn't as simple as that, and two, even without his "riches" he still wins, bc he's got the skill. if you take out the skill, him being rich means nothing and he wouldve been easily killed by the butcher army or c!tommy or whoever decided to kill him. a good example is, once again, c!ranboo: if he wasn't friends with everyone and someone decided to actually fight him like was done with c!techno, he would've died. easily. being rich in the smp is relative.

c!techno will be challenged when we have a character strong enough to challenge him in a way that matters. it's important to be smart about it. that's why i'd love to see, out of everyone, c!philza turn against him, but that's a how other discussion (WHICH I'M WILLING TO TALK ABOUT.......... everytime i make these and i add little point i dont elaborate on and then say i'm willing to talk about them and no one ever asks me to <//3 PAIN /nm /lh).

i do think he's a character that just Always Win in narrative ways and that's very frustrating. he does need to get pulled a few notches down. again, that will only happen when we have a character that can step up to him and challenge him in a way that matters (woooo c!philza you want to hold c!techno accountable for his bullshit so bad woooo........)

now, onto c!techno's trauma. he doesn't need to show it. he- he doesn't. that's........ not how trauma works, and that's one of the points that make his trauma so forgettable for the viewers. c!techno is, from inside out, a character that hardly shows his emotions, but that doesn't mean he doesn't display symptons of trauma. he does, they're just a lot more subtle than other characters's. that doesn't mean he doesn't have any or that he isn't affect by it. c!techno is, in a lot of ways, a lot like c!tubbo: both of them don't mention the shit they've gone through and don't react to it and bc of that some of the viewers don't see how important some traumatic events were in their characterisation. that's why you analyse those characters's trauma through behavior, not through easily seen displays of trauma.

i do think it's taken a little too far with c!techno. the way he reacted to c!tommy's death was...... disappointing, to say the least. c!techno is an underwhelming character in many ways. as said before, it's because he's stagnant. that definitely needs to be worked on.

about the syndicate? yeah, no. theyre not teaching others to fear them. others just Do That bc of their history on the server, but they have literally talked about how they want to better their reputation, bc they don't want to be seen as murderers or oppressors in any way. are they flawed? yes, very much. they have no indicators of what is or isn't a government and they show no regard around the importance of a difference between an oppressive and a democratic government.

they had no right to show up at c!tubbo's door and interrogate him, because they can't appoint themselves as government police. for starters, that's not how anarchy works (they should've had everyone's permission for that. they obviously don't), but also it's just... stupid. it makes it seem that they're trying to boss everyone around so that they live like the syndicate wants them to, which goes directly against the syndicate's own ideals. however, c!techno thinks he has that right. he thinks this is what he's supposed to do. he's just following his moral code - his moral code is just deeply, deeply flawed. what he says and what he does contradict each other but not for him, not to his interpretation. to his interpretation, he's following his strict moral code.

what happened at doomsday was horrible and c!techno has to be held accountable for it, yes, but, again, no character knows how to work around c!techno enough to hold him accountable for it. that's not c!techno's fault.

l'manburg just deserved better, honestly, but to be fair c!techno has been taken advantage of time and time again (sometimes purposefully, sometimes not) and he's fucked up in the head, god bless LMAOOOOOOO

i agree that things need to change otherwise he's just gonna keep being a stagnant character who can get away with everything. i do think he has more to him than meets the eye, tho. meh idk that's still just analysis!!! we have no way of knowing the intent behind c!techno's characterisation, at least not for now. i hope for the best tho cc!techno don't let me down <3

[godstiel-coded]

Semi-coherent Dean-centric rambles

Okay so a lot of this is non sensical, tangential, and a lot is copy n pasted from my rants in hell so please join me in partaking in shrimp emotions in this dennys

Okay so first off I got thinking abt post purgatory 1.0 bc of a post you can see if you scroll a bit and I mean like its so entirely possible that Cas sat beside Dean while he slept on the ground and kept a hand on him while he slept fitfully (dean couldnt be On him that'd impede cas' defense if monsters arrived) and he probably couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in his dingy motel woth Cas' hand resting on his shoulder as he sots on the other side of the bed, deep in thought because Sammys a smart kid he'd know that Dean wouldn't let anyone else do that he'd know that Dean hadn't slept that well in years like??? He would feel vulnerable and therefore take it out on Cas but Cas would be confused y'know in Heaven he was a soldier so you watch over those who cant fight (none of them sleep but surely theyve been injured) so to him its no big deal of course if it was someone else he'd sit across the room but he hears Deans yearning as prayer and knows the tether to something familiar helps him sleep so of course he would sit beside him while he slept as he always did in purgatory!!

And like yknow from there I cant help thing about how so much of Destiel is "of course" Like its Such a destiel phrase and I can't stop thinking about it because like it almost seems like "I need you to take me for granted so at least I know I belong by your side" vibes. As long as its "of course" that means its recognised as intrinsic as necessary as expected not something they can discard Aaaaa!! *of course* I would do anything for you is permission to expect anything to be done its its this acknowledgement that they don't need to talk about it because the answer is always yes!!

Yknow *of course* cas woukd watch dean sleep after purgatory because thats what they do thats what they had been doing but Dean he'd feel so damn Exposed like anyone could see it on his face that he doesn't have an Excuse now he's topside but Cas he doesn't need an excuse because *of course* he would wait patiently for dean to wake because dean needs his sleep and cas needs dean on the top of his game and dean hates to sleep alone anyways what reason does he have to Not like obviously there is something he can do that is painless thst is easy that comforts and lulls Dean and ensures he is resting deeply (relative) and safely like Cas would watch the world burn for Dean *of course* he would sit on his shitty motel bed, calm and still, hand resting on Dean's shoulder so that the warmth can soothe his subconscious. A few hours is nothing to Cas nothing at all why would he not why would he expect such a strong rejection after everything they've been through this seems like an "of course" to him and he knows Dean he knows ot would help him sleep and Dean knows it too but be knows that if it was anyone else it'd hardly make a difference so he feels vulnerable aaah okay okay I'm talking myself on circles

And yknow what *of course* Dean would grieve like a widow for Cas because Cas deserves to not be forgotten not when no one else even knows him not when theyre the only ones who Can remember him except Sam is pretty much okay but Dean is drowning in the sorrow and Cas will never know that!! Cas will think Dean pushed through it like everything else and why would Dean tell him because *of course* he must know, Cas seems to know everything about him how could he ever think Dean would be okay without him

So naturally, *of course* Dean prays every night and *of course* Cas listens to every word because they have intricate gay rituals and all hell seems to break loose (sometimes literally) the more they deviate from them!!

It just breaks me inside because Mr. Repression and misery himself loves Cas like its the only viable option and even when he panics and rejects him or shuts down *of course* its not really how he feels and Cas loves Dean like he's the only thing worth loving (minus his son) because *of course* he is and Dean cant fathom that because hes one of trillions of humans and aaaahhhh what better success story could there have been than for Dean to learn not o lt that Cas loves him but to see in himself what Cas does and yeah we get a little bit of that in 15x19 but he deserved to Live that Truth with Cas right there beside him

And yknow through all of this its Sam who he's known for being most codependent with and that makes sense because Dean picks Sam first priority because he doesn't know who he is without being Sams Mommy big brother and he mourns Cas like That because without Cas he doesn't know who he wants to be and the MOC lecture about how when Dean destroys all the world Cas will be the one left to watch yknow the past and present have always been Sam but in the future he dares to hope for Sam is safe and sound marrying someone or something, living the life he wants but not unreachable and Cas is the one by his side so yeah he has to choose Sam bc Sam is the basis of who he thinks he is and he just simply can't give up on that part of himself or lose Sam and live knowing he failed him but losing Cas hits like a bag of bricks because he loses his best friend and feels he fails him but he also loses his hope for who he could be the people they could be together the life he craves when he dares to hope for the light at the end of the long series of progressively larger guns the tunnel

He deserved a success story damn it and what bigger success could there be than Dean learning that someone could choose to love him flaws and all I mean from 15x18 to 15x19 we saw Cas words hit home and he finally said he Is more than daddys blunt instrument and he said it to the one who created his fate and thats bc Cas like imagine what could come of a few years to decompress and to *live* the life they earned the life they could build together

They deserved it. We deserved it.

[Image description : colored banner reading "WINCEST/BIBROS FANS DNI"]

[zebra-warrior]

Five things I'm greatful for and then some.

1. My parents. I honestly couldn't ask for a better set of parents than I have. As a kid we didn't have much money. My parents wanted to purchase a nice house to raise me in so I had the best environment to grow up in possible but in choosing the home they did everyting else was very tight but they never made it feel that way. Back in the day when crafting and building things were less expensive than buying them (boy have things changed with crafting) if we didn't have someting they would make it. I remember a lot of my friends would have birthday parties at places like Chuck E. Cheese, Magic Mountain, the Zoo or a skating rink. My parants didn't really have the money to do that and what they had they would have rather spent on a nice present for me so my mom would decorate the house and my dad would go out and mow the grass really short. They would dig holes in the ground and put PVC pipe in the holes that my dad would get at work from the dumpster and turn our back yard into a put put course. They would put up a vollyball net and crochet set and we would use big workshop vice grip clamps and turn them upside down as putters. The house they bought already had a swing set and swimming pool so I would have pool parties and with magic mountain in my own back yard. It was a lot of work but not a lot of money even though to me it felt like they spent a fortune. Everyone always looked forward to my birthday parties as a kid. They were always a bit hit. Not to mentuon sidewalk chalk was someting they also would splurge on so setting up the driveway with lots of fun stuff was something my dad liked to do. He used to like drawing with chalk as much as I did. As I got older they always made things work. When I began getting bullied at school I was switched to a private home school coop. Which my great grandma who was also the best grandma ever paid for knowing my parents couldn't and she couldn't stand seeing me hurt the way I was but my mom would drive me 35 minutes to school, drive almost an hour to work then after work wound drive almost an hour to pick me up and then 35 minutes back home every day for 3 years until I got my driver's license. She was so excited for me to get my license she took me a month early for my T

temps. I told her it was too early and she said it wasn't and whan I got there they said come back next month lol. I never wanted to drive. I was always afraid but she couldn't get me to the BMV fast enough lol. My parents also taught me a lot about the value of money and work ethic and now say they taught me too well because I'm known to shop for several months for something more costly that I need like contact lenses in order to find the best price, all coupons and all rebates and sales available. I got my first job at age 11 and was able to buy my first car myself, pay for college myself without taking out one loan and buy my first home outright and as a foreclosure to remodel and fix up how I wanted it to look. My second car was the only thing I've ever taken out a loan on. When I got sick and OSU tried to put me in a nursing facility my parents offered to help me sell my house and take me back in with open arms so I could be cared for in their home instead of a long term care facility. They still help me to this day cooking for me, driving me to appointments when I can't use transportation services, cleaning and helping me bathe myself. I now pay them rent and utilities as well as half of groceries and personal needs of my dog and myself not because I think for a second they would dump me into a long term care faculty if I didnvt but because it's the right thing to do. This ties in with family but I'm so very greatful and thankful to still have my mom. She was on life support after having her liver cut into during a botched surgery which resulted in a full blown liver rupture. It was the hands down the scariest moment of my life. We weren't sure she would make it and her doctors couldnt even give us that reassurance but she did everyting ahead of schedule and all I had to hold on to was her promise that she wasn't going anywhere. She kept that promises and on the day she was released the nurse that called when she began crashing came into the room shocked she was alive and admitted that she was sure my mom wasn't going to make it and that was the end for her. She was completely amazed my mom was still here. My mom was caught in the battle of her life, a battle she should have never had to fight and now has PTSD because of the experience but she's alive. My mom is here. I know a lot of adults have already lost a parent and I can't imagine the pain. Having my parants bring really the only family members I have a close relationship with and being my caregivers, I don't know what I wouls do without them. I would probably be in some nursing home somewhere without them. With my dad has Autism, though he was able to work, my mom paid bills, did most of the shopping as my dad can't use a debit card. But my mom does most of the money, paperwork and phone call related stuff for him so I can't imagine how life would even be able to continue without her. Or my dad. They both have two totally different rolls and being disabled I need them more than ever so I couldn't be happier this is in the past but couldn't be more upset or had to happen to begin with. In Ohio doctors are protected against medical malpractice and though she almost lost her life and will have life long physical complications and likely somewhat shorter of a life due to these complications she will never get the revenge she deserves and the doctor didn't even get a slap on the hand for what he did to her body and with now having PTSD, her mind.

2. Maggie: This dog has rolled with the punches and adapted flawlessly. She's my best friend and fur daughter. She picked up cardiac alert from my last baby Sandy and took to training to be able to use that ability as a career line a champ. I have seen her blossom from the puppy from heck. (no offend Ma-mag) but she would literally rip wallpaper off the wall with her teeth, it took 8 months to housebreak her and there was no such thing as no in her dictionary. She got into everything but I've since learned that was only because she was so intelligent and always curious because once she began training she excelled and grew into the most trusting and obedient dog I've ever had. Not only that but she thrived on structure. When working she walks on the leash beside me just fine but when I put her on my lap at that point nothing can stop her. She sits up all straight, sticks her chest out and thinks her poop doesn't smell. My lap is her thrown. I don't mind because she can alert just as well up there as she can waking, if not better because she doesnt have to try as hard to get my attention in loud and busy places. Not only is she obedient but when she's not formally working, even at 8 years old she's still very playfil and silly, always doing things to make me laugh or my heart melt. She's a velcro dog so I've always got a snuggle buddy and someone to keep me warm and my face coated in a layer if dog spit lol. I got her the day before I got my first pacemaker and she was the first one to sit at my bedside when I came out if surgery for my second one. As I went from a much closer to healthy individual who would take her on long walks and when stuck in a terrible relationship I would walk she and Sandy some days for several hours a day, sitting around the pond eating snacks, going into every store in walking distance that allowed pets and exploring the neighborhood to much sicker, in a chair with her only real walks occurring when she worked outside the home and a much more stagnant lifestyle Maggie never loved me any less, if anyting she loved me more because to my surprise she fell in love with my wheelchair and head over hills for my powerchair. When I turn my power chair on it makes a chiming sound and whan she hears that sound she makes a mad dash for the room I'm in begging for a ride. In her mind these changes in my life had made me no less the mommy to her as I was before. She is one person (yes I will call her a person) who I can count on to always love me no matter what. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I woukd he here. This conditon has made me want to go to bed and not wake up more than once and she's saved me every time and I can't thank her enough for being such a good girl.

3. My neighbor Pam has been my neighbor since I was 5 years old so she's been in my life most of my life and much more than any family member outside my household has ever been. She's basically my aunt or a second mom to me. As a kid she helped in reaching me the value of money and hard work my giving me my first two jobs at age 11. She has me clean her primates cages and prepare food for them not only teaching me the values of good, hard work but further fostering my love for animals. She's always had the primates as well as dogs and cats I would take care of when she was out of town. I was the first kid I knew to have a real job even if it was part time. It wasn't much later that I began babysitting her grandson who even now that he's grown and I no longer talk to him, I think if him as a little brother to me. He was the most well behaved kid I ever babysat and boy was it an eye opener when I started babysitting a lot of other kids in the neighborhood and saw how some kids can really act lol. Pam has always been there for me and my family. She would take me on summer trips sometimes like I remeber a trip to Wyndot Lake that really was a blast and she has always treated me like family. We have a key to her house and she has one to ours. When I got to the age I could stay home alone I never woried too much about if I couldnt find my key or the screen door was locked because I always knew she was just a short walk away if I needed help. She watchs our houses and we watch hers contacting each other if we see anyone or anyting unusual. She comes over each year for Christmas dinner and will occasionally surprise my parents by bringing over a soup she made or some cookies she baked and last summer sent a Chimney Sweep to our house because she knew my mom needed a break and we like to have fires in the winter but haven't had our Chimney cleaned in a while. For my 16th birthday she took my awe dry car to her business at the airport to clear coat it with the same material used to clear coat jets and whan I got sick I didn't have to worry because she is always nearby. Before I got transportation services she was always willing to drive me to my medical appointments and with Corona, she helped with shopping. Over the summer we could pick anyone in our family to go on a trip to the zoo with us my dad's last year of work and we chose my neighbors and had a great time. We may not be family by blood but my neighbor is my family. Not many people are lucky enough to have a neighbor they get along with or even care for yet ours is closer than extended family and for that I'm thankful.

4. My home. I couldn't be more lucky when my parents bought this house. It's almost as if they knew that when I grew up I would be in a chair. We live in a one story floor plan with a kitchen. That has an island in the middle so if I have someting I hand its still easy to just grab the counter and zip around in a circle to any part of the kitchen I need to get to. Before the passing of my grandma, she used a walker and wheelchair so my dad had already installed a ramp in our garage so I went into this journey with access to my home. My home is also set up so my dad found easily set up a ramp onto the back porch. I have always had a large bedroom, bigger than most people I know. It's similar in size to a master bedroom and being in a chair, thats very much a necessity now. In a chair you need a lot more room to navigate an area efficiently. Of course my home is far from perfect. The bathrooms are much too small to be truly accessable so I have to make due with what I have and my bathroom. Needs despiratly to be remodeled. Unfortunatly the bath tub that was put into my bathroom could quite possibly be the most unexcwssable bathtub for someone in a wheelchair in existence. I don't have a pull down closet nor do I have pull down cabinets in the kitchen or appliances I can easily use. I don't have a stove that rises and lowers or countertops that are at my height it an elevating powerchair to be able to reach those areas. Even the microwave is a Hazzard but as far as manuverability we have that. I can access every too. In our home except our basement and one part of a bathroom we have. It would be easier to menuvour here if my parants didn't have so mucb stuff and such big bulky furniture it I think that's also part of living with my parents. They have more life experience and more stuff but it's doable. Not everyone is lucky enough. After becoming disabled to have a home that's usable or has porential. Many were forced to move after getting sick or disabled. I was forced to move out of my home but my parents home is usable and I can't be more happy for this home.

5. Doctor Joseph and his staff. I went 30 years of my life unable to get help for this condition slowely robbing more and more from my body. When I came across Dr Joseph they were something I had never seen in the medical community. This was all new to me. I entered into a facility of four of the most caring and compassionate individuals I've ever encountered. I finally found a doctor who specializes in my conditon and he was just over a half hour away. But only was he familliar with the disease but also the comorbidities, Misconceptions, PTSD we have all faced from others who hold some form of medical degree and how we likely have no one to advocate for us and we have been on our own literally fighting through the pain and suffering. For appropriate medical treatment to only be dealt more pain and suffering. When he took me on I was the sickest I've ever been in my life and I so much pain I frankly can't believe I hadn't taken my life much before even hearing about him not only did he take me on as a patient knowing how big of a project I would be after over 200 doctors in the past saw me and just pushed me off but he never gave up, hasn't given up and I don't see him giving up on me in the future. His staff has fought tooth and nail with insurance companies on my behalf, files formal complaints about hospital care for me, brought me in on days they were fully booked to try to help me and spent weekends and holidays on the phone with my mom and the hospital angerly fighting with them to do the right thing and provide appropriate care. They may have not listened to him, learned to hate him and failed me terribly but at least I can't say my doctor and his staff didn't try. His wife came in on her day off to fight with my insurance company and they have helped me find the right goverment officials to contact with problems. The goverment officials may not have done anything but again, at least I can say they tried and that says a lot about a doctor. I. Not on the best treatment and the battle still continues to get me into a surgeon, gst testing completed and fight for more than the fifth or sixth best medication. They treat me no different than they would treat their own family members and that is something I've never seen in a doctor. I have seen improvement. It may not be as much as they would like but every bit of improovment is because the continue to fight to me, continue to teach me to advocate for myself and refuse to give up on me just because I'm a complicated case. I couldn't thank his office more for what they have done and continue to do each day.

I know that's five but just to list a few, I'm thankful for my late dog Sandy, my late Great Grandma, nature and other non harmful animals that cross my path, my local church, my online friends and the availability of support groups, the internet, with the virus I'm thankful for the new door that has opened for those of us who are homebound with all of these vertual tours and other New online resources that open the world up to us from our beds and couches, that I still have my mind, my manual and powerchair as I would have no way to access anyting, including my own house without them, the nice days after the ground has dried up and I'm able to roll around my yard and around the garden. To re-establish a love for crafting. My cricut and sewing machine and mich more. So just because there are things I'm very upset with in this world doesn't mean there aren't things I'm thankful for.

#myEDSchallenge #myHSDchallenge