#i didn't post about the second cycle because i wasn't aware of it until it had already ended

[melodromacy]

ive been posting animal husbandry hot takes lately but here's a fandom hot take for you:

people need to stop caring about rusty so much (i.e. a lot of woobification and downplaying of how he really is) and treating him as if he's a positive character in venture bros. just because he has the venture name. because even now he is still functionally a deadbeat absent dad while also somehow still existing in his kids' lives who used to care more about unethical experimentation. and did things like kept backup clone slugs of his children. because he didn't care enough about them to even ATTEMPT to try and break the cycle and raise them with any semblance of love or care. and instead takes directly after his own father by abusing them via neglect and letting them die repeatedly because he felt no form of loving connection to them until later and even at that point it felt extremely forced. because i still feel even currently that he'd still rather let one of his kids take a bullet as long as it saved his own life.

yknow who we need to care about more? jonas jr.

a man who, functionally, was what everybody thought Jonas Sr. was. a man who was present in his family's life. a man who helped his wife escape an abusive situation. a man who loved his adopted child more than he probably loved himself. a man who cared so much about his disabled family member that he almost straight up killed the monarch and everybody in the flying cocoon for calling him a slur. a man who wanted nothing more than to commemorate his father that he never got to meet (even if he wasn't aware of how Jonas Sr. was behind closed doors). a man who wanted nothing more than to make the lives of himself and everybody around him easier, and better. a man who wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, a man who created the second Gargantua space station.

a man who sacrificed his own life, knowing he wouldn't get better, due to the rapidly spreading several forms of terminal cancer and organ failure he was beginning to suffer from. a man who realized how many people he could save if he let go - and went through with it anyway, because it would save people, people he loved, people he cared about, people he barely knew, and in some cases, people he hated. jonas jr was not perfect. sometimes, he'd work too much, and sometimes he'd neglect to keep forming and kindling his relationships because of his work. sometimes, he was stressed, and angry because he was stressed, and stressed because he was under pressure. but even then, he's better, and he's everything rusty ever wanted to be. and when JJ died, he willed everything in the Venture Techno Industries name to his brother. And he willed everything he could to his family he made so that they would never have to worry again. he willed his home, his livelihood, his LIFE'S WORK to Rusty. he trusted him.

[quietbluejay]

Sins of the Wreckers Relevant Background Information

so, if you've read Spotlight Kup and Last Stand of the Wreckers, what else is relevant information?

cracks knuckles

okay there's a lot here, you can skip it if you want but some of my commentary won't make as much sense

if you're only going to read 1 thing read the Arcee bit

also i guess, a lot of spoilers for comics that came out more than a decade ago

IDW1 Arcee:

TLDR on her personality is she is just here to attack people and she's having a great time...but also, she wants to know more about this thing called friendship Okay so...some of you may be familiar with her backstory, some may not. I'm not going to get into her entire deal but the basics that are relevant for Sins of the Wreckers are: 1. evil mad scientist named Jhiaxus experimented on her 2. she spent like 4 million years running around trying to find him leaving a trail of bodies in her wake 3. she did in fact find him except it was in a place where life and death went wonky so she spent an entire year just killing him and then he'd come back to life, repeat repeat repeat 4. after that she came to help save the universe and sort of hung around afterwards as a murder hobo who sometimes did stuff for Prowl but also did stuff like "knowing he was being mind controlled for months and not doing a thing about it until after everything around them was literally on fire because it gave her a good fight" and then being surprise pikachu face when they weren't besties after 5. she's bad at people okay, she does get better at people eventually, that's like her whole arc across the series 6. she's also currently an Autobot and went to Earth with Optimus when he went back after the universe nearly ended (again)

IDW1 Prowl:

The TLDR on his personality is he's the guy trying to get people to stop Leeroy Jenkinsing Okay, disclaimer, I'm a major IDW1 Prowl fan and I'm aware a lot of the fandom disagrees with me on this because they're wrong and most of them only read MTMTE. I am in fact fully capable of being objective about this guy, it's just that people make him out to be the Worst Ever so I'm a bit defensive. 1. so despite being a field agent Prowl is also basically second highest authority for the Autobots besides Optimus (or Bumblebee when he was leader) (well okay, depends on the author exactly how high an authority he is) 2. he got mind controlled for months as part of a plot to bring Megatron back and put the Decepticons in charge, this also resulted in his body getting modified against his will (which is less traumatic for transformers than it is for humans, but still not fun) and stuck in a mental group bond with a bunch of guys who a) did some real bad war crimes and b) thought he was the best ever and basically became his yes-men. 3. everyone immediately abandoned him post-mind control on account of the reveal that he ordered a sketchy guy's assassination before the mind control (which. to be clear. he did not order. he wasn't exactly sad that the guy died lmao but he didn't order it and it was a bit difficult for him politically) 4. why are the last two points relevant? because they played a major role in his worsening mental state and basically fed into his worst impulses which like no one noticed (and im still ??? that optimus PUT HIM IN CHARGE cmon man) until he hit rock bottom and tried to use the recently repaired spacebridge to destroy Iacon which contained a significant portion if not most of the remaining Cybertronians because he believed that they were always doomed to be stuck in the cycle of violence and killing each other and getting everyone else stuck in the crossfire so, kill everyone! Cybertronians don't deserve to exist! (it's been a hot minute since I read this comic, admittedly, and I'm leaving out a lot of details but that's the essence) 5. He got stopped, arrested and punched by Optimus after this but while he was lying on the ground a guy who was secretly working for him decided to show initiative and spirited him off. We don't actually know where he went after that. He's a wanted fugitive for the obvious reason of trying to kill everyone.

General Background stuff i.e. what happened between LSOTW and SOTW

Spoiler: Megatron wasn't dead, he was just in a coma for a few years, he came back, he let himself get captured by the Autobots who were hiding on Earth. The Autobots were about to head back to Cybertron because a guy named Galvatron was about to end the universe (on Cybertron). Megatron did this because his body had been transformed in a portal so once he was there he went portal mode and brought all the Decepticons back to Cybertron, where they ended up getting mind controlled by the ancient evil that Galvatron had released (except Megatron). Megatron fought his mind controlled troops alongside the Autobots (...sort of) while a group of Autobots went to try and stop Galvatron, they won and then Cybertron essentially reformatted itself back to a primitive age. THE WAR WAS OVER (in theory). It cost them the Matrix, which was their magical leader-choosing tool that could do all sorts of weird things. Optimus formally retired as Optimus Prime and went back to being Orion Pax because he was the symbol of the war and unpopular with the neutrals.

After this, the mind control thing with Prowl happened and the Decepticons attempted a takeover of Iacon and tried to destroy the Autobots for good, this did not end up reigniting the war but did manage to get Starscream (who had left the Decepticons) voted in as new leader and all the remaining Autobots AND Decepticons who still kept their badges thrown out of the city. meanwhile, elsewhere in the galaxy, Judge Tyrest who you may remember was the guy who judged the war crime trials in LSOTW, snapped after seeing all the war crimes and became racist and also thought he heard the voice of Robot God via self-harming, and he built a device to kill all the guys in the universe he was robot racist against so he could walk through a portal that only let you through if you didn't feel guilty. Needless to say he got stopped. Yes, this is in fact relevant.

LESS THAN 48 HOURS AFTER THE CITY WAS LITERALLY ON FIRE, Shockwave tried to end the universe. A LOT of stuff happened, you know what maybe I'll post Dark Cybertron one of these days because it's a TRIP and I have successfully explained it to multiple people. The TLDR is: - Bumblebee died - Shockwave is gone - Orion Pax became Optimus Prime again - Megatron did a complete turnaround and joined the Autobots (and also had a public trial) (he managed to get out of being convicted for his many war crimes on a technicality and went off into space to join a different comic series, and I'm not being snarky, this actually happened) - Soundwave led the last guys still calling themselves Decepticons and ran off to Earth and decided to start a hippie commune and I swear I'm not making that up either, it makes slightly more sense in context and yes it is in fact relevant to SOTW - annnd Optimus and a small group which included Arcee, Prowl, and Kup also headed off to Earth, Optimus and Prowl went back to Cybertron for an editorially mandated crossover event which was where the Prowl thing with attempted mass-murder-suicide (???) happened. At the beginning of SOTW, Optimus is still on Cybertron, iirc. Also yes Starscream is still in charge of Cybertron. Somehow it's not on fire. Okay recently it was but it wasn't his fault. Er. At least 75% of it wasn't his fault.

[starjxsung]

TW: minor, potential assault

Hey Star!

I'm glad I was doing a quick scroll when I saw your reply. In advance, thank you!

Like I said before, don't feel like you have to respond to this but I needed an outside opinion about an event that happened in the past (over 10 years ago so it's been a while).

To put it simply, when a friend of mine was a minor (around 10 years old), a family friend (he was in his teens) took her into a locked room and essentially got her to undo her clothes fastenings (so buttons, etc.) and lay down under the pretense of a game. They then kinda stood over her (her memories here at this point were very vague so she couldn't/didn't want to mention them) but she said someone had interrupted by knocking on the door. She doesn't know if it would've gone further.

As I mentioned, the memory is vague because she'd forgotten it until recently because she got herself into counselling (for things unrelated) and her first session just opened a can of worms. She mentioned the situation to me because she wasn't sure if it would classify as assault or not, especially because it didn't escalate, and she wasn't sure if it was worth bringing up in her sessions. She doesn't really care for reporting it because it was so long ago and she doesn't have full confidence in her memory of it but the thing that's bugging her is not knowing whether it'd be labelled as assault or not because it "feels like a grey area". I'm worried I might be too biased since I'm very close to her so I thought it might be better to get the take of someone removed from the situation though I did recommend mentioning it in counselling when she feels ready.

She has given permission for me to ask about it here so don't worry but if you also feel uncomfortable posting this on your page (highly understandable) but want to offer insight or want to say you've seen it, feel free to leave it as a comment under the previous ask post (where I asked if it would be okay). Don't feel obliged to reply whatsoever, please.

Even if you choose not to acknowledge or reply to this, I appreciate that you let me type this out.

Thanks Star and sorry for unloading this onto you.

TW below: minor, SA

Hi my lovely 🫶 I’m so sorry for the late response to this ! It’s been a super hectic week and I’m trying to keep my head above water here.

First off- I am so so sorry to hear that this has resurfaced for your friend. I’m so sorry this happened to her in the first place. It’s really brave of her to be upfront with the situation and to be able to acknowledge it for the seriousness it holds, and to reach out for help when she knows she’s in need of it. I’m glad she’s able to confide in you, and I’m so honored you’ve confided in me with this heavy topic. It means a lot that you have this level of trust ❤️

Second off- what happened to your friend is absolutely assault. Even if it didn’t go any further, it was absolutely unwanted contact of a sexual nature that your friend didn’t consent to, and she certainly wasn’t old enough to even able to understand the gravity of the situation. Assault can take so many different forms and they’re all equally as serious and should be treated as such. My suggestion is to reach out to a trusted family member who knows him and might be able to either question him or report it as needed. You can even make it an anonymous report or request that her identity isn’t revealed when the case is brought up to him. People who display that kind of behavior will do it again, and again, and as long as they don’t get caught or feel that what they’re doing is a “gray area”, the cycle will continue. I think other children are at risk around this person if this hasn’t been dealt with already.

Make sure she has a good support system and an outlet she’s able to confide in (like yourself- she’s really lucky to have you!) and even though it’s difficult, reporting it or at least making someone aware of it will be beneficial in the long run.

Sending all my love to you both- please remember that I’m always here if you need anything (also reached by discord if it’s more urgent!) and I understand how tough this whole situation is. I want you to do what’s best for you both, but also remember that you shouldn’t be forced into anything by pressure, and that even if it doesn’t “go all the way”, anything unwarranted and physical is still assault.

All my love. Your friend is very strong and I’m rooting for her ❤️🫶

[arenabreadandbiscuits]

Me rn because I accepted a writing commission that I will in fact finish but annoying me a bit because

1. My cycle decided to start so my mood is up and down

2. The story has been changed like three times right now (as of typing this...), mainly due to misunderstandings (most on my side I guess but my commission list LITERALLY has rules though after this commission I see I'll have to highlight things)

3. The story has a character that's supposed to be from a whole other fandom so basically this is a split fic which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that the other fandom is a manwha that I've NEVER heard of...

I know this really makes me seem like the one not prepared but this is why I have my posts, so that everyone can actually read through them and know what I'm all about. Bonus note: commissioner seems to be in a rush for the work though I mentioned that 10k words could at least take a week. At least. It's only been a day..

I'm having to continue off a story that was already started but not finished which I also wasn't expecting.. I don't mind finishing work other's started but let's just say that none of this was expected because I had assumed my commission post said everything it needed to. I'll have to make tweaks later...

One being that if you ask for a fandom that I DON'T have listed I will tell you to be just a bit more patient than someone who did pick off the list. I write commissions yes but ANY commission wasn't noted. Two being that I'm serious about taking in consideration my timing on posts, I don't like feeling rushed and I don't mind people checking on me but have mercy. I am still disabled and out of school for such with major levels of depression and mental health like that so not being rushed definitely helps me. I don't mind being checked on but breathing down my neck makes this harder for both of us.

Finally, I don't mind you ASKING about fandoms that's not in the list but just assume it'll be better if you just commission what's on the list.

Anyway, the list is HERE!.

Edit:

Hi! I'm pissed off! :3

So they said that basically what they asked for wasn't included in their story and decided to report me to PayPal. (I'll have to delete it because of course I don't have that money to give back.) PayPal isn't even letting me give my side of the story which was total bullshit.

You gave me a story that had already been started by someone else and based off of how you responded I can see why it wasn't finished. Especially if you were as needy for things as you were with me.

2 you ADDED A FANDOM IM NOT IN and though that's more on my I sent you a template! I asked you questions! And not once until up to the point of later in the story did you mention anything wrong with how it was going. I say in the original COMMISSIONS POST what fandoms I write for and though I'm nice enough to accept other fandoms I wasn't even aware that you were mentioning a second fandom until AFTER I had the money transaction with you.

You rushed me the first couple days which made me feel like I had to get everything done at a certain time.

I also didn't like your tone and I would have liked you to say something sooner if you weren't liking the story and no not things you prefer but instead things you WANT. It's like you've never done a writing commission before.

To this person I hope you have the day you deserve and I hope you're reading this rn even though I got your silly ass blocked. All I could think while working on your commission was how GRATEFUL id be once I got it done and over with and boy was I right. I mention my situation, I mention my case and the last thing you choose to do is be understanding. I have NEVER had an issue with a customer before you because the ones before you knew how to LISTEN.

Finally having you gone is the slightest my shoulders have been in a week, since the moment you showed up in my life and my dms. Thank you for finally leaving me alone. I don't even wish you any bad will or anything like that, I just wish you never came to me to begin with.

Edit2:

They made it a claim. I take back not wishing ill but ffs. Ugh this is why I if you want a commission to read the commission rules. I'm actually frustrated, I'm not dealing with this tonight. Imma go smoke and call it a day. 😒

[beacon-lamp]

excuse me but what is teh election. like, what is happening. i do not know, and am very confused.

ok so the mcytblr elections are a tradition that began on october 12, 2020. here's my original post detailing the events of that night if you wanna know more. but essentially it's just a fun event where tumblr users in mcytblr form their own "political party" and try to get elected. people are varying levels of invested in it, some just simply announcing their bid and others engaging in political drama roleplay. but at the end of the day it's all just lighthearted fun. you can check out @/mcytblr-elections-2021 for more updates on the ongoing 3rd election cycle.

also, i'm doing my best to tag any post related to the election as "mcytblr election" so if you don't want to see any of that content/don't care, you can always blacklist it.

[uglypastels]

Hey!!! I love your writing!! I was wondering if you could write like a headcanon of something with the reader dating eddie and being on her period or something?? 💝

Thank you!! I definitely needed to write this and a shoutout goes to all my fellow menstruating peeps <3 hope you feel better soon. (warning though, I don't know how to write headcanons, so I'm just doing my own thing here). [[i'm also going to be posting a longer fic this evening hopefully, and I'm sorry to not have worked more on the requests, so yes, I'm using this as a little bit of compensation]]

eddie requests always welcome!!! // taglist // support by reblogging!

Warning; (period) blood. Light swearing. Eddie being the sweetest mutherfucker there is.  maybe out of character stuff, bc i'm projecting

So, it being the 80s, being on your period was not very great. Like, it's still stigmatised, but nothing compares to a few decades ago. 

It was just not talked about. 

You've had a few boyfriends maybe, but never had even dared to utter the word around them. You didn't want to gross them out.

When it came around to that time of the month, you would just tell them you "didn't feel well" or something like that, which was true, but would drop the topic soon after. And not that it mattered a lot, the relationships never lasted for too long.

But then Eddie came along and your whole world changed. 

That man did not care about a single thing and he despises the patriarchy. Maybe he doesn't know how it all works, but he knows that periods exist. Like, he wasn't too great in science but it doesn't take a genius to know that it was a natural process. He might not know exactly when you are having your worse days, but he's aware you have them. He doesn't make shitty "is it that time of the month?" jokes or any other dumb comments about it if you ever get a bit emotional or don't feel too good. You are still not really comfortable talking about it openly, not because of Eddie specifically, but because of everyone else and how you grew up. But if you did ever slip up and mention something about your menstrual cycle, Eddie wouldn't act all grossed out. 

Maybe one day you stay over at his place and when you wake, you can already feel it. Just in your gut, before you pull the covers off, you just know. 

You lock yourself in the bathroom and try to clean up before he wakes up, but that man has like a radar when it comes to you. He wakes up as soon as you slam the bathroom door shut (though, maybe that had something to do with it) and is at your side (just that bathroom door still between you. 

'Baby? What's wrong?'

'Nothing!' you would shout from the bathroom. But Eddie isn't stupid.

'Baby?' He would just keep talking until you would properly talk to him. None of that "I'm fine" bullshit. The longer you would try to avoid it, the more ridiculous theories he would start to bring up. 

'All you're doing right now, is ensuring that I think an actual alien burst out of you.' 

'Fine I'm on my period!' you shout out, most likely for the entire trailer park to hear. 

'Now was that so hard?' 

You would have run to that bathroom in a state of panic, just wanting to clean the blood off, forgetting all your things. So, you ask Eddie to bring them over for you from your backpack. He had gone through your stuff a million times, just as you had gone through his, so he knew exactly where that little purse was where you kept your tampons and painkillers. A few seconds later he knocked softly on the bathroom door and handed you your things– little purse included as well as your spare change of clothes. You realise, however, that the shirt on top of the pile wasn't your shirt. It was his. He had especially pulled it out of the closet so you could wear it now.  

But you also realise that you only had one tampon left. Overall, not a big deal. You could just quickly head over to the drugstore.

That plan, however, became a bit more difficult when you stepped out of the bathroom. 

First, Eddie wasn't anywhere near the bathroom anymore. He was back in his room. You see him on the bed, cleaning up the bloodstain with a wet washcloth. 

'I'm so sorry.' The tears already stinging your eyes. Eddie looks up at you and rushes to you, pulling you into a hug. 

'Hey, hey, hey. Nothing to be sorry about. It happens. I can clean it up,' he makes you look at the bed, 'See? Almost gone.' It hadn't even been that big of a stain, but you still felt horrible. But Eddie wouldn't have any of that. He held you close, wiped off your tears and left kisses all over your face until you smiled. 

'It's really no big deal. Why don't you go sit on the couch while I finish this up? Then I can make us some breakfast?' Breakfast being something between choice A) Cereal or B) Fried eggs or C) Last night's leftovers. 

'Actually, I got to go to the drugstore.' You tell him, and Eddie immediately doesn't sound too happy with that. But not for the reasons you might have thought. 

'No way are you going out now. You got to rest.' 

'I can go to the store, Eddie.'

'I won't have it.' He's basically putting you on bed rest for the day, even if your cramps or other symptoms aren't showing up. He just wants to be sure you're comfortable. So, he heads out to the store himself after you tell him what it is you exactly need. You imagine he wouldn't be gone less than half an hour, but after two hours he still isn't back. A lot of reasons could have been the cause of it, so you try not to panic. Maybe there was a line at the drugstore, or he got hung up talking to someone? It was fine. The only problem is that you get hungry, and so, basically munch up the rest of the cereal that you found in the cupboard. 

Eddie comes through the door right as you finish the box. And the mystery of his long absence is immediately explained when you see the amount of things he brought with him. He immediately wants to show you the haul. 

'Right, so I got you your tampax,' he throws you the box. 

'Also went and got you some candy.' And with "some candy" he meant an entire bag full of snacks, all your favourites, of course. 

'And then I thought, we could just stay in for the day, so I went over to the video store and I tried to ask Robin what kind of movies you've borrowed because I wanted to pick something that you wouldn't hate, but she was being really difficult about it, so, unfortunately, in that battle, I lost the Reese's cups. BUT I got these,' he pulls out a stack of films that were most definitely in your customer history, at least a dozen times, 'And…really?' he laughs at your choices of favourite films. 

'They're classics!' 

'Whatever. Oh and I also got some more cereal because I knew you would eat them while I was away.' 

And you do spend the entire day cuddling, eating junk food and watching movies on the little tv. Eddie doesn't want to pry, but he does ask you questions just so he can know a bit more about how you're feeling and how he can help. Do you have any cravings? What can he do for you if your cramps ever get the worst of you? Would weed help with the pain? Do you want a lot of contact or do you need space? 

He would also be sure to stock up on everything you need at his trailer, just for emergencies. Maybe he would keep a tampon on him in his backpack at school. One day you would realise you had forgotten to repack your emergency stuff, but Eddie would just be like, I got you sweetheart, and hand you one. It would be at your locker, so someone would have seen it (Jason? Or some other jock) and, of course, they would make fun of him. Eddie would grab the opportunity immediately to reply back. 

'What do you need that for, Munson?'

'Well, usually I keep them around for your mom.' or something dumb like that. 

'You take that back, Freak!' 

'Fine! I won't provide your mother sanitary products!' He would yell it across the hallway as he made his way out of the building.

He would happily take the stigma over from you, making everyone uncomfortable by talking loudly, and proudly, over something that should have been normalised a long time ago, anyway.

Leave a review behind!

taglist: @spiderrrling @hellfire-state-of-mind @theglitterymess @dorianelizabeth @theletterhart @niyahwhoreworld @chatnoirfangirl1624 @fopdoodle1624 @pastel-abyss-x

[levis-little-nuggie]

How the brothers would react to catching f!MC riding a suction-cupped dildo on the communal HOL washing machine

I didn't think through how much I hate this idea, but I fuckin ran with it so here we are and I'm not apologizing. However the title is still a work in progress. I am accepting ideas.

This first one is Lucifer's reaction.

Warnings: little bit of blood (in a sexy way), he calls MC some vulgar names >:( but he apologizes so I guess it's okay, fem!MC because I was feeling self-indulgent.

Rating: explicit 😌

Word count (so far): 2,628

Carrying the weight of the hamper on her hip, MC closed the laundry room for behind her and padded over to the oversized washing machine. It was laundry day for her and living in a mansion with seven demon brothers didn't make this any easier. Their keen sense of smell had her on edge about keeping certain articles of clothing cleaner, washing them more frequently than when she lived in the human world.

She threw in her load of pajamas, towels, and underwear, including the pair she had been currently wearing, leaving her in an oversized shirt she'd "borrowed" from Beel. MC mixed in the detergent and fabric softener, and started the cycle. As the hot water started pouring into the bin, MC double-checked that the door was closed before pulling out the suction-cup dildo she'd hidden in the laundry bin and stuck it to the top of the washer. MC nudged the step stool closer to the machine, applied a generous amount of lube to the toy, clambered on top of the washer, and positioned herself over the dildo.

Thanks to previous instances in the laundry room, MC was fully aware of both the machine's durability to hold her weight comfortably, and its vigorous shaking when loads were unbalanced. Asmo had winked at her when she came running to him for help for taming the large appliance. "You could say, with a bit of creativity, it'd be the next best thing to sitting on my face, hon."

He'd been right. Unfortunately, this also meant that Asmo knew what laundry day meant to MC and she already felt mortified sharing this dirty secret with Asmo so MC tried her best to schedule her trip to the laundry room for whenever he wasn't home. Luckily enough, it seemed the rest of the brothers were completely unaware of her sinful indulgence and this activity quickly became addicting.

Having already been wet from the excitement, MC's fingers slid into her, pumping and scissoring to stretch herself open. She pressed the tip of the toy against her opening, biting her lip to stifle the noises she wanted to make as her fingers moved to circle over her clit, squeezing her eyes shut as her hips lowered onto the toy. Taking a few moments to breathe from the size of the dildo filling her up, MC maneuvered her legs to shift from her kneeling position sitting on the machine, toy fully sheathed inside, her ass against the lid, and legs hanging over the top.

Her hands trembled from both the excitement and the warmth that stirred in her lower abdomen as she reached for her phone; the machine would be still for awhile as the clothes soaked, but MC loved to fantasize she was cock-warming any one of the brothers until they both gave in and he fucked her mercilessly.

Lazily circling her hips to feel the toy move around inside her, MC mindlessly nibbled on her thumb while flicking thru Devilgram. Scrolling down the feed, she stopped to watch a video Mammon had posted, the audio flowing through the DDD's speakers a teaser for an upcoming song he was releasing. Turning up the volume on her device, MC let the video repeat as she felt herself getting hyped for the track to release. After double-tapping to like the post and leaving an energetic comment, MC opened the music app on her DDD and shuffled the playlist she made of the brothers' songs to stream while she opened a game on her phone to complete the daily task while waiting for the washer cycle to start.

The above set-up will be the same for all the brothers. Below this point will be Lucifer's reaction.

Another prank from the Lucifer You S*ck team left the eldest with some ruffled feathers and an ever-growing coffee stain on his RAD uniform. A vein pulsed on his forehead as he sauntered to the laundry room.

What he wasn't expecting, however, was to hear MC singing along to Satan's song behind the laundry room door. The eldest brother hesitated, his grip tightening on the doorknob as he debated waiting for her laundry to finish but found his brows furrowing as she stopped singing, the machine started its spin cycle, and the faintest of moans floated through the door.

"What in Diavolo's name-" Lucifer opened the door to investigate but halted as he took in the scene before him. MC's eyes had widened, staring directly at Lucifer in a way that perfectly explained the human idiom "like a deer stuck in the headlights." Her mouth was agape but quickly snapped shut as she tried to stifle her panting, legs crossing themselves in an attempt to look innocent, but her white-knuckle grip on the edge of the washer had him feeling alarmed.

"MC, what's going on? Are you feeling unwell?" The machine had started rocking as it began its spin cycle, but Lucifer couldn't figure out why MC was sitting on top of the washer. Was she feeling ill? Her forehead had a sheen of sweat, did she have a fever? Lucifer dropped his clean uniform and crossed the room so he was directly infront of MC, reaching out to feel her heated face, completely disregarding her feeble attempts to assure him she was fine.

'Lucifer! I'm fine, just doing some laundry' was what she wanted to say. However, with the machine rocking, the dildo was rubbing right up against her g-spot and she was fighting the urge to grind her hips. She managed to sound out the first half of his name, but the way his gorgeous, ruby eyes looked into hers with concern, his facial features that were carved by God himself, and a single thrust against that spot had her shivering, finishing the rest of his name in a sultry moan.

The Avatar of Pride blinked as the cogs in his brain stuttered trying to piece together what was happening, his hand froze in mid-air as he had been reaching out to feel the temperature of her skin. The machine continued to rock and MC couldn't find the strength to pretend she wasn't riding a dildo on the communal washing machine and felt her control starting to slip. MC couldn't read the expression on his face and averted her gaze, trying to deny that him watching her like this was turning her on even more.

Seeing his hand stretched out, MC leaned forward the small distance to press her cheek against his palm, biting her lip as she stole a glance at the demon. His eyes remained transfixed, dazed, but he didn't pull his hand away and MC was feeling a little more daring than usual. Tilting her head, she pressed his thumb against her lip, her eyes flickering again to his own for barely half a second, and closed her lips around the tip of his thumb, running her tongue along the seam of the leather. His lack of response coaxed MC on to keep going. Her tongue drew the digit in further, lips gliding over the leather, the material fueling new fantasies she'd previously overlooked.

As the dildo continued its steady rocking, MC felt her control melting away and frustration slowly started to build. Why hadn't he moved? Surely it'd be better if the eldest had scoffed in disgust and turned away than to have him just staring at her like this. She swirled her tongue around his thumb, lips hollowing as she sucked, trying to illicit some sort of response from the demon.

However, he remanded unmoving. MC felt an array of emotions ranging from frustration, shame, embarrassment, anger, all mixed with the sexual desire raging thru her, MC felt tears prick her eyes. She released the thumb from between her lips with an audible pop and faced Lucifer with a snarl; which he found endearing and as threatening as the chihuahua.

"I don't do live performances. Either touch me or leave." MC made a show or grabbing her breast from under her shirt, letting the pleasure from the toy fill her senses and began grounding her hips against the toy as the spin cycle picked up speed. Getting ready to bark at him again, MC yelped as the shirt was torn open and a pair of hands gripped her hips keeping her still but the dildo continued moving with the machine.

"I didn't realize our little human was such a naughty slut. Really. Sticking a toy on our washing machine? Are you that desperate to be fucked?" Nails bit into her flesh as his voice called out her sins, all traces of her bravado gone, replaced with an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame. MC tried hiding her face but he still saw the tears that threatened to spill over before crawl down her face and cooed.

"There's nothing to feel ashamed over, my dove. I apologize if I was too vulgar." Lucifer lifted her hips and she squirmed, not ready for him to see the full extent of the situation; the idea of the dildo coated in her juices waving about on top of the poor washing machine only intensified her embarrassment. However, before she could speak out, Lucifer dropped her hips causing her to slam herself back down on the toy. Stars erupted across her vision as the demon repeated the action, drinking in her reactions and felt his erection strain against his pants.

"This carnal desire is human nature. If anything, it's our own fault for not considering such a basic need." His fingers trailed along her neck, tapping against her pulse as if in thought. The hum of the washer broke through the moment and Lucifer clicked his tongue behind his teeth. He reached behind her to turn off the machine and lifted MC off the machine, and the dildo.

MC didn't get a chance to wince from the manhandling as her lips were immediately covered with his own and she felt him pulling her close to him, his hands urging her to wrap her legs around him. She couldn't match the fire he was pouring into her fast enough and he growled, simultaneously smacking her ass and grinding his erection against her folds. This new side of the prideful demon caught her off guard, but the smack brought her back with a fervor.

Her hands fumbled with the buttons on his collar and he kneaded where he spanked her, causing MC to mewl into the kiss. One of his hands moved up to hold the back of her neck as he walked to pin her against a wall. Her legs squeezed his hips tighter and he reached up to break open the collar of his shirt, shedding the clothing haphazardly somewhere else in the room. Meanwhile, MC moved to undo his pants, reaching into his trousers to palm his erection. Lucifer hissed and grabbed her wrists, pinning them to her stomach with one hand.

Releasing her lips, Lucifer latched onto her throat, biting down on the skin above her pulse and positioned himself at her entrance, hesitating for only a moment to allow her the chance to back out. Her nails dug into his shoulders as she braced herself, kissing the side of his head, and granting him permission with a soft, "please." Her voice turned into a wanton cry as he pushed himself into her. His tongue lapped at her throat, sucking against her skin as a feeble distraction to keep himself from fucking her before she was ready but the way her body was receiving him was making the demon tremble.

"Lu, please, I need you to fuck me," all shyness and mortification was gone and all that remained was the sexual desire and a sense of urgency.

"Do you know what you're asking of me, my dear? Do not underestimate me."

"Lucifer, fuck me or else I will invoke our pact and make you-" the rest of MC's threat was lost, replaced by a sob as Lucifer's restraint snapped and began thrusting wildly into MC. It didn't take long for him to readjust his position, turning them away from the wall. With his hands on her hips, the eldest brother moved her against his thrusts, bouncing her on his cock and slamming back into her. His rhythm would change randomly between fast and shallow to deep thrusts where he'd pull out to the tip and snap his hips to fully sheath himself. He'd felt her muscles constrict around him a few times, keeping a tally of how many orgasms he pulled from her, but he wanted her to make a mess and to make a mess of her.

Bending MC backwards, he continued drilling into her as he held her hips in-front of him. Her voice cried out in a scream as he relentlessly thrusted against that spot and she felt a wave building.

"Lu s-st, wait, I'm, you're gonna make, h-hold on-"

"I know MC, it's okay. Let go."

With Lucifer's words of encouragement, MC felt herself relax, giving in to the impending wave that continued to build. Reaching out, her hands found a shelf to stabilize herself, her mouth open in a silent scream as the dam broke and ecstasy filled her senses. The way she clamped down on his cock had Lucifer's hips stuttering through his own orgasm, filling her with his seed quicker than he had intended; the intensity of her orgasm having coaxed his to follow suit.

As the fog cleared in his mind, Lucifer's fingers twitched and he noticed the array of bruises littering her hips. MC lifted her head to look up at him, but the rest of her body was limp. She smiled sheepishly causing Lucifer to roll his eyes but his lips turned to shape a playful smile and MC giggled as he pulled her up. They winced as he pulled out of her, but she kissed his cheek and he brushed his nose against hers, humming as they basked in their afterglow together.

Lucifer grabbed a blanket to wrap around them and turned to leave the laundry room when he caught sight of the glittery purple dildo still mounted to the lid of the washing machine. He snorted and walked over to it. Having curled into the demon, MC had to turn to see why he'd stopped walking and groaned.

"Don't you dare."

"Hmm?

"You're going to say something really condescending and I don't want to hear it." MC snuggled closer into Lucifer's chest, pulling the blanket over her head in protest.

"I don't know about 'condescending,' but-"

"Lucifer, don't you fuckin do it."

"This had to been Asmo's idea."

"..."

"It just reeks of desperation and wanting to get caught."

"Lucifer!"

"Now if you had been a good human, and come to me with your situation sooner, all of this could have been avoided. But now, there's a big mess to clean up." Having lived with the demon brothers long enough and sitting thru many a famous Lucifer lecture, MC could hear the smirk in his voice. In retaliation, MC pinched the Avatar of Pride's nipple earning her a grunt and a thump on the back of her head. She hissed like a cat from behind the blanket and Lucifer sighed from the absurdity of the whole thing.

"Do you want to go get cleaned up?"

"....yes."

"Do you need me to keep carrying you?"

"...yes."

"Then be a good girl and hold this." MC pulled the blanket away from her head, curiosity having piqued her interest, but groaned when Lucifer handed her the aforementioned dildo. "I don't want the others seeing this in case the room isn't cleaned up by the time they come back from their classes."

Damn him for making perfect, logical sense.

"Besides, I might want to use it on you later."

"...I hate you."

"I know."

[iaintyourbro]

The Unknown Journey Continues

Part 1

I know it's been a while... but I've been going down a rabbit hole with @starlight-samurai regarding time loops, Jenova, Minerva, and more fun. So I figured I'd try to put it into one post to get the insanity out of my head. Everything in here is based on things we've found by either going through more obscure Ultimanias, learning more about Dirge of Cerberus and trying to decipher what the hell Jenova is by putting together various sources - including other Square Enix games - and how they handled freakishly similar scenarios.

Did you know there is a companion mobile game for it that was out on the good old flip phones? Did you know there was an online mode in Dirge of Cerberus only available in Japan, but had story elements that were not in the main game?

The sad part is, there's still so much to go through...

(I've also had various discussions with @ourfinalheaven, Manu, who doesn't have Tumblr, so here is her Twitter. and Somebody's Nightmare (here is her Twitter). So I wanted to tag them here, as it's much more fun to discuss these ideas as a group, since it'll only help you build on and strengthen your own ideas.)

Please be aware, there will be Spoilers for FFVII - Almost all Compilation titles, Xenogears, and NieR Automata throughout this.

So let's go on a journey where we explore what actually already exists in the compilation - including the idea of the whispers and timeloops - how Minerva may play into everything, and what exactly Jenova is capable of doing.

I asked Sesi if he'd ever played any of the NieR games, because he'd said something that made me wonder if they were going to take a similar approach. As a very, very quick high level summary: NieR Automata deals with a time loop type of idea. The androids will be rebooted and repeat the same things over and over again. This is broken when 2B is killed by A2 because she becomes infected with a virus. That being said, you have the option after Ending E to either erase all of your data and end the cycle OR you can try again. The Pods have a discussion, and one asks, "But won't they just do the same thing again?" and the other replies with "Maybe. But it could also be different this time."

Here's Sesi's message back to me when I asked him about this (cleaned up a bit since we were having a casual conversation over Discord):

Maybe I could just guess based comparatively on the Dirge storyline, because that was sort of SE's first flirtation with “robots and androids��� since they’re all programmed and locked behind like task managers and shit that can shut them down. The story of the online mode for DoC that came out in Japan, we never got to see it, you’re basically an Android OC and you have to get to “the end of the level” and then essentially die, and a new one takes its place. This keeps happening until Weiss is essentially freed from being able to be task managed by the guys who are suppose to be able to control them and I know from tons of years with Square games that they’re verrrrry bad at differentiating their narratives they tend to just keep “ripping themselves off” so is it anything close to that?

Cuz if so I think I kinda know what you’re saying and yeah, I agree, I think with CC bringing in its poetic symbolism and LOVELESS, and DoC bringing back the cyclic nature of the lore, whispers, premonitions and future visions, proto-Materia and the perversion of this next cycle since the planet can no longer cleanse and protect itself and its will is weakening lesser and lesser to the point where it’s fate is “in a true sense of jeopardy This time essentially it’s all tied in together and sort of played as though it's a fated track; a cycle of events and something has hitched it, thus the whispers manifesting and Sephiroth's higher implied control over his destiny. Of course, even all that is just their new red herring game, but it’s definitely a part of the lore they want to play with, in order to go back and reMAKE the OG with the comp inserted from inception. Also gut punch a lot.

Time Loops

I was somewhat surprised to find out that this concept is NOT new to FFVII's universe. It's discussed in Dirge of Cerberus... probably one of the least played and least understood of the compilation. (Trying to sell a third person shooter with terrible controls to a market of mostly people used to turn-based combat wasn't going to go well.)

On top of it, we didn't even get all of it, since online mode was never released outside of Japan, and the Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode was on Amp'd Mobile and Verizon flip phones back in 2006. Were you around for the cell phones in 2006? I had the ones on the list, and how somebody could play a game on those blows my mind.

Square has a tendency to reuse themes from their other titles. Probably one of the most blatant is the similarities between Xenogears and Final Fantasy VII. They were both being developed at the same time and a lot of ideas that didn't make it into FFVII ended up in Xenogears.

NieR

So how does this work? In NieR (both Replicant and Automata), you play the same path multiple times. Each time, it's slightly different depending on what side quests you did your first and second playthrough, but there's also other subtle differences throughout the story. In Automata, you get to play as 2B your first playthrough and 9S for your second. They follow the same path, but you get it from his perspective the second time and it reveals a bit more of what is going on. However, even with some slight differences, the main plot points stay the same and the ending result it also the same.

Then on your third playthrough, you wake up in the Bunker, and you're getting ready to go on a new mission. This time, though, 2B is killed and shit hits the fan. Things get crazy, you play as a new character: A2. In the end, pretty much everyone "dies", but you can choose to "reboot" and try again. You also can say you are done and let them all rest and delete your save data (the game gives you the option for both Automata and Replicant, and with Replicant, it actually leads to a new ending).

The striking thing for me is... There are certain events that will always happen, no matter what.

Fixed Points in Time

It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, but there was something that stuck with me, and that was the fixed points in time. You can read about all of them here, but here's the basics:

Now, of course Doctor Who goes into this with much more detail and it's a recurring theme. However, as you read through that page, you'll probably find many aspects that have been used in various JRPGs that you've played. And Doctor Who most likely pulled some of the idea from classic Science Fiction novels. Each story puts its own spin on it.

How does this relate to FFVII Remake? Well, when they say that the major plot points will stay the same, it reminds me of this. No matter what, Cloud must fall into the Sector 5 Church, the Sector 7 Plate must be dropped, Aerith and Zack both must die, and Meteor has to be summoned, to name a few. So, with a time loop, those things would still have to take place in order to prevent a complete collapse of reality (at least in how Doctor Who uses it).

Therefore, the Whispers are ensuring that the Will of the Planet is followed.

One of the major themes in FFVII is that of loss. People die and they do not come back. Yes, other FF games do allow this to happen (FFX, FFXIII, FFXV), but VII is not those games. It was written with that idea in mind, that once a person dies, they, just like in real life, are dead and cannot be brought back.

I've previously written that I think they'll make us believe we are able to change fate, but we will eventually be slammed with the reality that we can't. That is because the planet has determined that certain events are fixed points.

Xenogears

Xenogears takes a bit of a different approach to the loop idea. Instead of repeating the same time period over and over, it has the characters reincarnated, and the same outcome happens each time: Elly dies. However, each time it's different. After all, they're in various time periods, in some cases thousands of years apart.

In all of the lives of Fei (who will have a different name in each time period) and Elly (who is always Elly/Elhaym), Elly will end up dying trying to protect Fei and the others. In one life, she is a religious figure at a totally not Catholic church, in another she's the wife of a scientist who was working to create children from nanomachines due to mass infertility issues. But she is ALWAYS with Fei, even if his name changes.

In her Mother Elhaym time, this is when Lacan (Fei) finally snaps. Though he's not fully aware of his past lives, he becomes aware, the anger consumes him, and he becomes Grahf. Fei is then reborn into the time period you play the game in.

There's a lot to unpack with this, so I won't go into it. Grahf wants to destroy God (Deus) because he thinks if he does, then it'll stop the suffering (his suffering).

If you do want to read more about Grahf, you can do so here, but it probably won't make much sense unless you've played Xenogears up to that point... Since it's much later in the game that this is all explained.

Lacan's desire was to stop the cycle of Elly always sacrificing herself for his sake. Though Grahf is not a perfect existence - he's not fully "The Contact", he sacrifices himself in order to let Fei move forward, and hopefully stop the cycle, by destroying the Deus system. (Elly also tries to sacrifice herself here, but Fei goes after her and stops her.)

Now, some people may think I'm saying that Cloud or somebody is going to do this in order to save Aerith or Zack (or his village or mom), but in FFVII if they do the loop method, I don't think Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others are aware of it. Most likely, it's only 'Sephiroth' and Aerith who are aware of it.

How this Could Be used for Final Fantasy VII

I'm stressing could because there's so many different possibilities on how they use this (if they are using this), so please, don't take this as fact. This is based on speculation based on what we know.

A time loop is a great way to explain away the differences in the story that we've seen: Biggs being alive, Wedge living for longer than he should have, etc. Since these are not major plot changes, they can simply say that this time it'll be slightly different... but your fixed points (major plot points) will remain the same.

It's a way to pull in some of the more obscure themes from Dirge of Cerberus and also play with the LOVELESS lore.

It could all simply be a big red herring and it's really just a remake of OG, but with the compilation tied together nicely... since it works much better when it's combined and not in 50 different games, books, movies, etc.

I don't think it's a "sequel" per say, not in the way I generally perceive a sequel. It's more of a loop of the same thing. The question is, when is the loop started and what will cause it to end? When will the planet (if it even is the planet) determine that it's good enough to begin moving forward?

JENOVA, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Minerva - Oh My!

Let's be real... Genesis isn't exactly the most popular character in the FFVII Compilation... but what if they make him one of the most important to the story? //Ducks as various fruits and vegetable are thrown in my direction//

I think what Genesis is probably most known for is his love of LOVELESS. He has the entire thing memorized and randomly says lines from it throughout Crisis Core. LOVELESS lore is still something I'm trying to grasp, so I am not going to comment much on it. Once I understand it more, I'll update this.

...And then this happens. The secret ending for Dirge of Cerberus, where Genesis picks up Weiss. Weiss, who has now been introduced along with Nero in FFVII INTERmission and is an optional ridiculously hard boss in the Shinra battle simulator in chapter 17 of the main story. There is some lore associated with the battle sim - so if you don't plan on beating it or you just can't, you can look up the pre-battle and post-battle cut scenes on YouTube. They're very short, but interesting. (I beat this asshole last night - it's a hell of a fight.)

....To Be Continued because apparently Tumblr won't allow more than 10 images per post now.... Next will be more on JENOVA and Sephiroth along with Minerva.

[dandystones]

Yes means no.

***There are two parts to this long ass post because I didn't realise I had so much to say oops***

Setting boundaries, I recently learnt I've been terrible at that for most of my life.

I hate when people tell me what to do, to the point I'd do the exact opposite, but I always wanted validation. I sought it from everyone and their mothers because I never got it from myself.

The internet seems to talk a big game about how the universe will keep on sending you lessons in all it's glorious forms if we don't pick up on it; like how we always encounter the same toxic people and relationships, one after another.

It's funny when I recall them now.

***PART 1***

I like to think I've been very blessed when it came to friendship. All through my life, I've always felt that I made friends easily and had plenty of platonic support. However at different stages of my life, I've also noticed that despite all the good friends I surrounded myself with, I've always had that one person in my life who was just a little too self absorbed, borderline narcisstic and treaded way too close for comfort.

For reference, I'm going to list some people but not their whole names: my mum >> X >> O >> H >> C

The most coincidental thing I've come to realise is 1) that each person had a specific time in my life where they rose to prominence, or in other words, where they suffocated me the most 2) the end of each 'stage of prominence' was the start of the next. For example, when I thought I'd finally stepped out of my mum's narcissistic shadow, X stepped and morphed into that narcisstic figure until I'd decided it was time to cut ties. Around the same time, I met O and she slowly morphed into that person.

Continously, I realise I've always had that one presence in my life and each person would stay for many years until a breaking point, after which I would draw the line and keep my distance. As a rough estimate, I took about 25 years to understand that this exhausting cycle of going through toxic loved one after another is simply a lesson of setting boundaries.

I came to this realization in the past 6-12 months because I was having a particular hard time adjusting at work and it was really tough to master the art of stakeholder management. I won't say I'm an expert now, but I've gotten much better at putting my foot down and helping people to understand how their basic (read: brainless) actions are making my job unnecessarily difficult and defying my work ethics. I started to understand the importance of setting my own boundaries because we can never assume anyone would know them if we don't speak it.

Around the same time, I noticed the last person in this cycle, C had started to transition out of her role as the narcisstic shadow in my life entirely on her own. I've never had that happen to me without having to ruthlessly cut ties before. It's like something just clicked. On hindsight, the lesson just made sense and perhaps because I understand what it is now, there was no longer a need for the lesson to remain.

I always thought I was good at saying no to people, because I didn't care what they think which is true for the most part, I don't care what strangers think. What I came to realise about myself was that I needed help saying no to non strangers, people I care about, the people I need in my life.

***PART 2***

The word 'no' carried too much grief and associated history with abuse and neglect. My parents never made it easy for me growing up; affection was a competition between myself and both my younger sisters. My father could never find balance at work, so he overcompensated by trying to take control of everything at home. Nothing I said nor did could ever please him, he was always angry about the tiniest thing.

Everything was someone else's fault; between denying me any help with school work because I didn't go to a school of his choice and completely beating my self esteem down because I dare ask him for any help to a seemingly insignificant act like him accidentally stepping on my toes at the supermarket, he would twist and mold all my words until they made him looked like a hero in his own fantasy, that I was beneath him, and that everything bad that happened in his life was my fault and no one else's.

You couldn't fight him with reason even if you tried to, because he wasn't fighting for anything, he just wanted to win and he would say anything to wear you down. Every night would end in the same way, a disgustingly heated verbal mess between him, myself and my mom; abuse of any kind is simply the cheap power you get when you destroy people for the sake of your ego.

My mum was completely helpless in that regard, she stayed the hell out of his way whenever he had an outburst, even if it meant leaving me to fend for myself. I refused to back down from the injustice and his words dug its claws deeper in my gut, every quarrel we had made me sick with anger because no matter how hard I tried to defend myself, every takeaway was how each of his mistakes were the result of my failures even if it had nothing to do with it.

This went on for years. I knew I couldn't run away because I was underage, financially unstable and still needed a roof above my head. I felt absolutely helpless and remember crying myself to sleep all the time, praying to God to take me away - away from here, away from being the family's punching bag, away to another universe where parents actually protected their children, built them up and supported them.

Growing up in an environment where your survival thrived from avoiding all the stressors that could result in rage meant that I became extremely cautious in expressing my needs and opinions out of a fear of of displeasing my parents. Every subsequent outburst was a slap in the face, a painful reminder of how abandoned and unsupported I was in this family.

This led to a series of bad behaviors where I was desperate to please and longed for a life devoid of rejection. For the parts of myself who had endured so much neglect, I just couldn't bare the same devastation over again. Putting myself second and others first was easy as long as they were happy. I had this belief that if I accidently let myself be honest, people wouldn't accept me and I couldn't risk letting my guard down again.

Over time, I started saying yes to everything I wanted to say no to. Yes means no, no came with a '... but I'll do this for you instead' to overcompensate my fear. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted from pleasing people all the time. I said yes to social events I didn't care to be at, I patiently listened to every word of every person who needed me even if they didn't care to be there for me, I helped every toxic person who saw an opportunity to exploit my time and kindness. Without realizing, I was unnecessarily deriving a form of validation from being a yes-girl, I didn't know how to say no. Beyond that I'd lost my sense of self because I didn't know if anyone would care about me if I stopped doing all these things.

This obviously manifested in many unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly wanting to be alone because I felt that everyone around me wanted something from me I couldn't give. It became a toxic cycle of self harm, feeling absolutely hopeless and finding sick joy in dreaming about the many different ways to end my life. At age 17, I've never felt more alone.

Ive had to see a counsellor for prolonged periods of my life and thisemotional abuse was one of the key moments that contributed to it.

Recovery was one hella of a slippery slope and had relapsed so many times I've lost count. I was convinced my abuse had rewired my body's ability to understand what love was, all I felt was the fire of resentment, burning my insides with the anxiety of having to live out the rest of my life in a bubble of 'my mistakes'.

Through my counsellor, we had to un-learnt the act of being too harsh of myself, as a result of the years I spent projecting my dad's expectations on myself. Rewiring your brain to calm itself down when you're triggered is difficult but not impossible. There were many scenarios where I became aware of the fact that the voice in my head mimicked my dad's in giving all but bone crushing criticism, guilt tripping my every move and spiralling myself into depression again.

Re-learning the notion of 'giving myself to others' whilst being 'unapologetically myself' was interesting and refreshing. Mostly, my subconscious got better at unlearning the act of constantly censoring myself for the sake of others; how to live freely & become a more honest version of myself regardless of the people around me. Not in any manner that might be of harm to others though, just in a way that allows me to stop relying on other people’s validation to keep my spirits lifted.

Every relapse back then sunk me into my depression, harder. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't give up even though the chance was present and tempting every step of the way. Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier