#i did that yesterday and it sucked. i don't take breaks it's not healthy to grind at your desk for 8 straight hours

[asiananeurysm]

🙃

[theviceadmiralswife]

Taking care of Kizaru after Egghead Island

Salute recruits and soldiers to this warm Wensdday ⚓️🌊⚓️🌊⚓️🌊⚓️🌊⚓️🌊

Right I did my little rant yesterday so this post is all about saving our most pervy and adorable admiral Kizaru from the darkness that's breaking his heart. I want you 🫵 dear reader safe Kizaru from major depression and show him some much needed love. Sorry, this is a looong post.

Taking care of Kizaru after Egghead

• pick him up from his battleship, go straight to him, take his hand, and pull him along. It makes him crack a tiny smug smirk seeing you take so brazenly in charge

•pull him home , where you got everything prepared and ready to spoil the yellow admiral for an entire unforgettable weekend with all the things he loves and desires

•if he asks you what your up to ignore him , you know he doesn't like being ignored, just don't push that button too hard. Give him an occasional smile or blow him a kiss, it's worth keeping him in suspense a little bit, it makes the impact of your surprise at home much more significant to him.

• spa treatment at home. An all inclusive tailored hot bath and spa massage and pampering. Kizaru will love it when you dress in a sexy short kimono, and undress him admiring his exquisite physic. He's even more thrilled when you give him a guasha face massage or suck on his toes. This admiral will melt at your level of dedication to pampering his tired body

• a bottle of extravagant wine, after such a thorough spa treatment having a moment of silence and snuggles on the sofa and a glass of red wine 🍷 is another piece of heaven to Kizaru especially with your small body in his lap, curled up under a fluffy duvet, with candles spread out across the room and the fireplace going, you are sure to win another piece of this man's heart. Kizaru chuckles mischievously at you getting tipsy of the red wine it makes you too adorable to him.

* play his teasing game. Big plus if you play right into his hands with him teasing you, if it's his flirty words or if Kizaru nibbles innocently on your neck... just to bury his finger in your wet pussy.. followed by his trademark ~oooh~, and few lewd whispers like he has just discovered what a pussy is...fingering you fast ...or maybe one finger or 3 in your cunt... go along with it..let Kizaru tease you and be reactive as possible he loves that.

• cook a romantic dinner for him, present him with a selection of his favourite... Miso soup, as side dish a healthy apple fennel salad with ginger, while you tell him its your job to make sure he gets his daily 5. And a homemade banana ice cream with a hot chocolate sauce as dessert will have Kizaru drool at you, as much as he is drooling at the food with lust.

•while you two dine show off after a while your naughty side. Use your foot to rub his crotch under the table to arouse him. Wink at him, wiggle your shoulders at Kizaru showing your décolleté a bit. This is sure to guarantee Kizaru having a rock hard boner, it riles up his excitement and he hardly can wait until after eating he gets his fingers to grope you all over

• lure him to the bedroom with your body swaying and dancing and as soon as he sits at the edge of the bed perform a little striptease and lap dance. Bet you Kizaru sits there moaning "~ooh~ " cause he is so smitten with what you do for him. Have a luxurious smelling body oil ready and some other props such as a whip, smack your booty ,let Kizaru stare how you oil up your body and caress your sensitive spots. Let him in on that action, but fair warning if you bump your ass against him Kizaru will ram his cock in that tight butt hole of yours.

• oh while your lap dancing , grinding against his body and oil it up give Kizaru a full body massage with any part of your body, Kizaru especially loves your butt cheeks in his face..or your boobs squashing against his shoulders and don't forget to use your skilled hands to service your admirals throbbing cock

• tell Kizaru you have ditched your contraception place his hands on your womb and let him know your fertile and about to make him the happiest of daddy's, in every way...he loves it so much his smug lewd grin grows from ear to ear and he giggles like the kinky player he is, but he genuinely loves that idea of being a dad

• submit to Kizaru fully, Egghead Island was frustrating to him so he is inclined to take his anger out on you, an angry deep throat fuck will take the edge off for him, your gagging sounds an tears will quench his frustration off what happened on Egghead

• after taking off the edge Kizaru will return to his slow paced, teasing style of sex. For now! So best is to be ahead of him and surprise Kizaru with a basket of brand-new sextoys and the kamasutra book and a dice to play games. Trust me he will make sure to try every position with you that weekend , he be your loyal husband making love to you sweet as honey, your fiery passionate lover having sex with you to reach new heights and your master domineering you and to fuck you unapologetically.

• unwanted interruption... because Sakazuki wants a report he will call Kizaru on his transponder snail, and Kizaru aloof as he can be takes the while he fucks your dripping cunt and...he ain't stopping. Best course of action is to take that transponder snail and let Sakazuki hear how Kizaru currently ravishes your pussy, making loud squelchy noises and Kizaru coos in the background. Tell Sakazuki between moans , panting and your screams for Kizarus cock, that Sakazuki has to wait till Monday For his report or joins them for a threesome before chucking that transponder snail out of the open window, Kizaru will smack your ass for such sassy attitude and probably insert another toy into your second hole.( Kizaru leaves the window open on purpose so everyone in Marineford hears how he fucks you senseless)

[yurious-george]

@imminent-danger-came

#On the other: I think Wukong very much did abandon macaque first lol#But they abandoned each other (It's why MK and Mei not doing so is 👌👌👌👌👌)#And I think like. Why should Macaque have to bail Wukong out and put himself in danger with all of heaven because of what Wukong chose to d#This post almost has the opposite problem of ''Wukong is villainzied while Macaque is a baby boy'' like#Wukong wasn't a good person either (they both suck(ed))#But he changed#''We can't change who we were yesterday or in a past life or a hundred lifetimes ago! We live with the choices we've made for what-#-matters is the choices we make right now!''#Like yeah obviously Macaque was biased. (He says so himself: ''Everyone is the hero of their own story'')#But Macaque also steps in in s2 because Wukong LITERALLY abandoned MK chasing after another source of power.#SWK is making the same mistake he always has. And then MK in s2 is ALSO making that same mistake#And Macaque had to be a loser about it but it is very interesting to see it from his pov.#He steps in when MK is acting that little bit too much like Wukong in all the wrong ways. (2x07 4x09)#But maybe I think in general that ''antagonist'' is a better word to describe macaque rather than villain

ok, putting all this under the cut because I disagree with this assessment!

I think Wukong very much did abandon macaque first lol: Huh, i... do not agree. Yes, wukong stormed heaven for more power, but he was literally side by side with macaque. that's not... abandonment. that's literally not the definition of the word. the two relevant definitions of abandonment are a) cease to support or look after (someone); desert, and b) condemn someone or something to (a specified fate) by ceasing to take an interest in them. wukong only did the second half of definition b? mac wasn't condemned without him, and wukong fought with him until it was time to go toe to toe with the jade emperor. yes, wukong did let his priorities overcome his affections, but wukong didn't leave him. before the battle he even made a specific point to include & support macaque when the rest of the brotherhood didn't notice mac wasn't there, like, wukong did not abandon him. it wasn't healthy and wukong WAS getting worse but wukong did not abandon him. In a non-judgemental way, I genuinely don't understand where you're getting that from...?

I do agree that mac was not obligated to bail him out and didn't need to, no other comments there. it was literally impossible anyway, wukong was just taking it out on mac. 2/10 man could have handled that better

(I even think him saying "great! just what I wanted! A peach!" and then following with "aw, I really wanted that peach" as soon as mac leaves could not more clearly indicate that he didn't mean what he was saying, and was just angry. mac clearly did though... ouch. peach representing friendship… rejecting it in the heat of the moment… wanting it back as soon as it's ruined… you get the idea.)

#But Macaque also steps in in s2 because Wukong LITERALLY abandoned MK chasing after another source of power. Also... not exactly? under the previous definition a, yes, but abandon is a really harsh word. If he had actually abandoned mk, he wouldn't have tried to do the training astral projections for him! Of course, MK FEELS abandoned because wukong didn't tell him he was looking for a way to protect him. wukong doesn't communicate because he wants to protect people from the truth, and ends up hurting them worse than if he just told the truth. major character flaw spotted lol. Still, this is a lack of communication thing, not intent to abandon (and by the dictionary definition, you cannot abandon without intent). I think the word you're looking for is neglect: give less than the appropriate level of care to, rather than leave entirely.

Wukong is a deeply loyal character. He doesn't give up on anyone, (Even a smidge makes all the difference, anyone?) unless they break things off first (see the brotherhood). Or he has a really bad day. (F for macaque) Wukong thinks the world of his loved ones and would never abandon them, no matter how far (literally) he goes for them. But he has been neglectful of them and not given them the appropriate amount of attention or communication, especially in comparison to his own goals. It's a difference of synonyms, sure, but it truly means the world to me!

I guess at the end of it, you see mac and wukong as equal forces in causing the other pain, and I don't think that at all: wukong has genuinely good intentions that are NOT centered around himself, that are emphasized in the show. macaque absolutely does not lol. it may have been different in the past, but mac never showed interest in protecting anyone except wukong, to the point of not being interested in the rest of the brotherhood or the monkeys.

This gets more into a personal theory, but mac's whole trauma brain seems way more severe than just one friend breakup/murder, to the point where he appears to mostly look out for himself even in flashbacks. it could be just his personality, but part of me genuinely wonders if he was learning those lessons well before wukong. For a character that shows up in one chapter in jttw and has no backstory before wukong in lmk, i seriously implore you to consider this one... much to chew on!

((please note a lot of this topic intersects with my own pain and is highly personal. i will drop this conversation like a hot potato if it ends up upsetting me, just as a warning!))

[the-blog-of-a-bipolar-autistic]

I forgot to upload yesterday :P

4-6-2024

My boyfriend and I have been talking and he agrees that even if we have the money right now, I should wait to see what insurance can do with the walker. I highly doubt much will come from my upcoming appointment. I'm only 20 and my insurance is laughably awful at helping me. My insurance is only good for prescription prices. My abilify off of insurance is like-- 3,000 dollars apparently.. well every time I buy it it says I saved like 3,000 dollars so maybe I'm not getting it because a google search shows it can be up to 100 for a 30 day supply (I get a 90 day supply). I take lamatrogine and ariprizole (abilify) for my Bipolar. Lamatrogine is used to treat the depression aspect of bipolar (it's a medication also used for epilespy and seizures) and ariprizole is just.. well, for bipolar. Ariprizole is also an antipsychotic medication which for some reason has not helped with my delusions. Skip this next paragraph if your delusions/hallucinations are easily influenced. While I won't go into detail about what my delusions are for safety reasons I will explain one of them. Eyes and cameras. It has been going on since I was younger. I think there is constantly an audience watching me. Sometimes it's fine and I act like it's some dumb show but other times it can get incredibly overwhelming. I usually just ride it out until the feeling and paranoia goes away but sometimes it doesn't go away for days. My boyfriend does his best to help me, he tells me it isn't real and my life is too boring for anyone to watch anyways (I told him to tell me that in a past conversation) but it doesn't matter. My delusions make my life a slice of life show and it gets really irritating.

Delusion talk over for the rest of this post Random thought but I realized I am only ableist to myself. While others are allowed to need accommodations and take frequent breaks, I don't allow it for myself. I would rather stand in the kitchen cooking in agonizing pain then dare take a chair up to the stove while I cook. I don't understand why my brain refuses to let me accept these accommodations. I guess I just really hate the idea that my body is not as healthy as it used to be. I remember one time in middle school my friends and I went to the Rollerena (our roller skating place.) We decided to walk to McDonalds after which according to google is, at longest, a 22 minute mile long walk. In this memory I don't remember being in too much pain. It hurt a normal amount for someone who was just roller skating their little heart out then went on a half an hour mile long walk.

I don't know what happened. I don't have any memories of any accidents after wards? My legs have just been slowly getting worse and worse. My boyfriend is convinced that in my future I will be a partial wheelchair user. I wouldn't be opposed to it but it still sucks. I know there are people younger who are partial wheelchair users and that is completely valid and I am glad they have a support system where they are able to do that. When you see other people in wheelchairs you rarely ever think about being the one in the wheelchair. At least I never did but now it's happening and it's scary. I am losing the ability to walk without assistance. When I was younger and looking at American Girl dolls I wanted a "Truly Me", which I never got because American Girl Dolls were too expensive for our poverty-stricken family. I always had a weird way of wanting my doll, I wanted it to have braces, glasses, and a wheelchair? I joked in the past that my Truly Me doll was coming to life after I got braces then glasses, but now it's getting eerie. I imagine if younger me could design the doll using the website it would look something like this (+ a wheelchair)

My entire child hood I begged for that doll but my parents never understood why I wanted 3 things I didn't have at the time. I guess little me knew that somehow I would be needing them eventually. I always worried I would be in a wheelchair due to a broken leg but my fears are starting to subside with the realization of my diminishing leg health. Onto the topic of my mental health, it is also declining. My family is moving out of the house we have had for the past 10 or so years. I have to pack up a box of things I won't need for a while and sell some things so I have enough money to move out and, hopefully, stay at my boyfriend's family's house for a while. While doing so yesterday, I broke down sobbing in front of my boyfriend. I understand I am 20 and it's time to move out but it is coming so quick and uncontrollably. I was always imagining I would be moving out when I was ready, when I had a job and enough money to move out, but it seems that isn't the case. Yes I am 20 and do not have a job. I have never had a job. I am desperately searching for one but it is getting me no where. I got 1 interview in the past 2 years of me applying places. It sucks. They never called me back. I almost got an interview at the coffee shop up the road of my (soon to be old) house but I missed the interview window twice. Once because I was out of town and the other because my stupid phone never gave me a notification that the manager texted me back. On top of being unable to find a job I am worried about my ability to work a job. I am autistic and need people to bluntly explain what I am supposed to do and, like I have been rambling about for the past several paragraphs, my legs are shit. I am so scared of being in extreme pain while trying to work with customers.

Anyways, back to my family moving out. The reason they are moving is because my mom got a job in another city and over the past year due to a contract they have been paying for her apartment. Unfortunately for me, that contract only lasted a year. My mom wasn't even going to take the job due to it being so far away (2 1/5 hour drive) and us not having the money or notice to move out so suddenly. We even got the house reappraised because we were so accepting that we were going to be living in this house for longer. Unfortunately the company told my mom they would pay for her apartment in a year and my mom quickly accepted. While I'm happy for her, she is finally a manager at the store she has been working at since I was around 7, I am also really upset. We had made the plans to stay and over night I was being told that in a year we were selling the house and I would need to either move with them 2 1/2 hours away from a place I grew so accustomed to or move out entirely. I have been trying to downsize. Sell books, plushies, clothes, and other miscellaneous items. Throw away things that are unsalvageable. Figure out what to do with most of my items. I know it sounds easy but I have grown an attachment to most of my things. I am selling a whole trash bag of plushies including my long hello kitty plush and a my melody one. For clarification the hello kitty looks something like this. (My image)

My boyfriend hates it and I got it in 2020 so It lost it's funniness. The my melody also look like this (also my image)

I know it sucks because Sanrio is just a comfort for me but both are not my favourite characters (I prefer Cinnamoroll) and I need the money. I am planning on selling them soon along with several others. I am going to miss all of my plushies but I am keeping several. I am planning on selling them on Facebook market place, mainly because I don't want to deal with shipping so I'll sell to people in my area. I had to throw out my big hello kitty mermaid plush because it had a giant hole in the neck :( She was my favourite out of them all and now she is going to end up in some dumpster somewhere. I would've sewn her up and sold her but the hole was in such an inconvenient spot that it would tear in a single toss on the bed. I am having a conversation on what to do with my, I have them ironically I swear, body pillows. When I show you my biggest one you will understand that they are completely Ironic. I have decided to keep this one

Yes I have an Anthony Hopkins body pillow. My step-sibling got it for me as a joke Christmas gift. I think it's the best pillow I have ever owned. It's the funniest shit inviting friends over for the first time and seeing their reaction to a random old man on a pillow in my bed. ANYWAYS I broke down sobbing yesterday because I had to pack up things. Everything is moving so fast and everything is a lot. I have to go back today and do more but I am so scared. I know I'm going to cry more. It sucks. I don't like getting rid of things. Anyways I'll wrap this up here. I am kind of breaking down a bit just thinking of it. I am going to go over to my house soon and pack up my things.

[mish-tique]

Hii, Rose 🥺🌹's Part 15/Day 16 (??) live-ask

Can't believe I'm not reading this during charles's birthday, why o why did we have busy school that week, it sucks (at least now that i'm on a week break, i'm marathoning the missed kinktober days and all of chic fest)

Also, lyrics from nothing? brb, gonna play this one on repeat as i read this, especially as i see domestic bliss in the tags (this one's gonna make me feel all single and fluff, huh?)

SPOILERS below the rose line

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

• first, know that i'm always grateful for the fics, but please put yourself first if you need to rest!!! don't care for delays, kinktober can always extend • "Not when he’d like his plan to be a little bit of a surprise, even though it’s no grand plan." <- I can already feel the softness of the day • "It’s not like they spent the most time in their bedroom on the floor. They both prefer sex in bed." <- that took such a hard turn, i thought it would be about them being always away for races, but what did i expect, it's kinktober • "It’s not grand or extremely big, but Max made sure it would include all of Charles’ favorites." <- someone get me my own max • the whole waking up scene is just so cute i wanna die, what the fuck this is fluff overload and djshagidgf • "Neither of them minds the morning breath." <- that is true love right there • "there is a can of whipped cream too." <- *suggestively wiggles eyebrows* i've read a lot, i know where this is going, and it's kinktober, there's no other path for that whipped cream really • they have a playlist together for when they wake up 🥺🥺 • hihihi (i blushed at the mention of lorenzo) • i mean i always blush at the mention of any of the leclerc brothers • awww i love that you put in charles' family and his band of boys • you know that clip of charles jumping from his yacht all topless and sweaty? plus add the whipped cream, i want to lick him too, [and more redacted] • “You are going to be the death of me.” “Would be one hell of a day to die,” <- you two are gonna be the death of me • [redacted] bacause even that thought, i can't write it down, it's too much even for me • “Quite a tasty breakfast, if I say so myself,” <- though tbh, i really do hope max got a bite of some strawberries or something and that his breakfast did not only compose of whipped cream and charles, be healthy babes, and to all you anons and miss missha this is your psa to take care of yourselves

Aww this is too cute and domestic and hot, all of it straight in the feels and reading it while listening to nothing is very much 10/10 experience would very much recommend. aaaAAAAh just lovely lovely writing!!

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

-Rose 🥺🌹

Oohh you have fall break? My friends have it too, but no fall break for those who are just starting their job skghsd. Hope you enjoy it to the fullest!! And yes, nothing is such a good song, 10/10.

i knowww but i don't want to extend kinktober. I want to do something right for once ;-;

"but what did i expect, it's kinktober" -> not every fic has smut but I'm trying to keep it on brand skhgksdg

they're so incredible sweet and in love I'm jealous

"bacause even that thought, i can't write it down, it's too much even for me" -> skdghsdk ROSE

", i really do hope max got a bite of some strawberries or something and that his breakfast did not only compose of whipped cream and charles, be healthy babes, and to all you anons and miss missha this is your psa to take care of yourselves" -> I'm trying!! lot's of baked goods and fruits and protein food going in me. even managed to hit the gym after yesterday's first day omg.

So glad you liked it sweetheart <333

[kittyisaddicted]

Not ready

I have to get this of my chest. In the week between the holidays, about 3 weeks ago, I had this URGE, this absolute NEED of something to just get me off of thinking about my own life. I still don't know how it all happened, but I spent one whole afternoon watching malec vids on youtube. I dived head over heart into tumblr's tags. And all of that before even reading the books OR EVER HAVING WATCHED THE SHOW.

I read the first three books the following days. In less than 72 hours. I started watching the show on Netflix. I KNEW what was coming, more or less. I tried to extend the sad joy of watching it all together over the course of more than only a couple of days (after all, I have a life, somehow).

So, yesterday, I finally finished it. And yes, I cried in all the scenes you all cried when the show was still new and airing live on Freeform. Watched interviews along the way, read articles, binge heared the soundtrack. I squeezed all the years of fandom you people had in the course of THREE FRICKING WEEKS.

Can you imagine my emotional state right now? I can't let go of them. I can't face that I have to go on. Why is THIS show taking so much space in my heart, why do I dream of Malec, why do I fantasize about them – and not with any other show I liked or adored?? What string did they pull inside of me? Which part of me is responding to their problems, loves, worries, angst, joy and relationships? What do I miss so so much that I can't express my feelings on my own but only over crying over and over again about Alec breaking up with Magnus, Magnus going to Edom to save them all or Clary saying Goodbye to everyone? Why do I have "Bridges" on repeat, shuffeling with "War of Hearts", so I can finally cry for myself? And what is it I'm crying about?

I'm a mess right now. I feel so disconnected from my normal life, I can't concentrate on anything important. This hasn't happened in a very very long time. Really few movies did this to me. Supernatural did it, at one point. But never this intense, this sucking up level of venomlike infiltration in my brain and heart. It is not healthy, it's not helpful, but I can't let go.

I will forever be thankful for the this show. Back in the days, I was one to always stick to the book rather than the movie/show. I wanted it all to be exactly like the author imagined it. Nowadays, I really appreciate it when crazy talented screenwriters are able to see the essence of a story, the important arcs, and turn them into something of their own, but something still so familiar to readers, because of the effort they took to meet all the important points. Shadowhunters for me is the perfect example for this. They made a puzzle from the books, and then set the pieces together to a new picture where you can still see the original connections. Of course it has it's flaws, tiny holes and things that could have been done better, there always is. But now, in this moment, I just bow my head to everyone involved in the process and will forever be grateful that I could be, though late to the party, part of the fandom to appreciate this.

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

Summer Strong Daily Check In

Day 19 (8/6/21): reflect on this challenge. What did you learn from completing your habit every day?

I think I learned a couple things. First, I learned that I can apparently wax poetically about anything. Srsly I think my check ins the last few weeks could be compiled as a novella detailing my personal descent into insanity. Second, I learned that the physical exercise daily is really good for me and I'll probably continue trying to have at least 10 minutes of activity every day. But that the mental exercise is a bit more nebulous and the consistency is not necessarily to my benefit.

I mean I don't think that doing a short meditation or 10 breaths every day is going to hurt me, but if it's not what I need right now then I don't think I would put pressure on myself to do them. I've decided that "mental health exercise" is probably too vague to be successful. The coping mechanisms above are mental health exercises and they are easy to count. But things like having a hard conversation with your friends or family, doing the anxiety inducing thing you put off, doing some yoga, performing rituals, working through a craving instead of binging, even just practicing positive self talk are all things that make my anxiety go down and are good for my mental health but I don't feel like I checked my mental health exercise box when I do them. So I think a better goal would be "Check in with my mental health daily and take steps to improve it if needed". In some ways that's almost more vague, but it certainly serves me more and is more representative of how I am trying to grow right now. I'm very much in the "doing hard things that suck because they make you feel better" phase of growth and taking care of myself is such a chore. I think this kind of mindfulness will help me work smarter, not harder, on my personal growth

All in all, I have thoroughly enjoyed this challenge. As intended, this was an exercise in consistentcy and it really helped me get some of my habits in order during a difficult mental health period of my life. I'm definitely continuing these habits (albeit slightly modified) for the foreseeable future. And it had the added bonus of making me not only set goals, but reevaluate them after a few weeks and see what works. That's incredibly valuable and I hope everyone takes today as an opportunity to asses your needs and whether your habits are helping you reach your goals. That kind of introspection is how you grow and I think it definitely worked for me.

Goals yesterday: crushed again. The rain didn't let me walk but I still managed to squeeze in a yoga video on my lunch break. I also had a healthy balanced meal courtesy of my SO and it was glorious, I feel so much better today.

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

[katedrakeohd]

Christmas Love ~ Part Two

[A Very Valtorian Christmas Masterlist]

Rated: Mature for Adult Themes, Angst, talk of Depression and Emotional distress during pregnancy, otherwise this story is all fluff and good stuff.

(I suck at trigger warnings, so I apologize in advance)

A special shout out to @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria for the drake & kate in a bathtub story challenge. 😊

Tagging:

@jlpplays1 @walker7519 @drakesensworld @kimmiedoo5 @speedyoperarascalparty @furiousherringoperatortoad @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @jovialyouthmusic @samihatuli @kingliam2019

@fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @sirbeepsalot @dcbbw @desiree---1986 @emceesynonymroll @wickedgypsymoon @gardeningourmet @indiacater @bobasheebaby @loveellamae @rainbowsinthestorm @burnsoslow @mskaneko @bbrandy2002 @jessiembruno @emichelle @griselda1121 @msjpuddleduck @princess-andromeda-nazario @princess-geek @princessleac1 @addictedtodrakefanfic @janezillow @nikkis1983 @texaskitten30 @debramcg1106 @moonlightgem7 @be-still-my-aching-heart @walkerswhiskeygirl

..

With a sigh Drake looks around the bedroom. The bed clothes were wrecked from their play wrestling, and the girls in the laundry were going to fuss over the wrinkled sheets, but he had other concerns. Kate hadn't come back from the bathroom yet. Had he been too rough? He knew he got carried away sometimes, and today he had awoken Kate earlier than usual. Setting his phone and the bag of cookie treats on the bedside table, he walks over to the bathroom to check on her.

To his surprise the door is ajar and he hangs back for a moment to watch his wife. She was standing at the sink in her pale silk dressing gown dabbing at her face with a damp wash cloth. Her eyes looked sad as they met his in the mirror. Her gaze shifted back down to look at the water in the sink as he eased the door open and entered the bathroom.

“Kate?” he says in a low voice, his face softening with concern. Stepping up beside her he turns and leans against the marble counter, “Honey what's wrong?”

Still looking down at the sink Kate shrugs and then starts rambling, “I don't know, just feeling a little overwhelmed I guess. I was looking in the mirror at myself, standing in this gilded and fancy bathroom that belongs to a Duchess, and wondering what a nobody waitress from a New York dive bar was doing in such a place. A pregnant waitress, pretending to be a Duchess, who is going to birth a child that is destined to rule a country. It all seems so bizarre considering where my life was headed just a year ago. What do I know about running a Duchy, or about being a Mother to royalty?”

Drake reaches out and gently cups her cheeks in his hands, wiping away her tears with his thumbs and tilting her face up to look at him.

“Kate, our Duchy is fairly self sufficient, there isn't much you really need to do. And the Mother part… I’m going to be with you every step of the way, you aren’t ever going to be raising our child alone. We're both new at this and we'll figure this out together, and we've no shortage of help whether it's friendly advice from those who love us or the help of our Manor staff. There are healthcare professionals, counselors and support people to guide us in Parenting if we need it. There are political advisers and tons of community support to help us keep the Duchy running smoothly. There's nothing for you to worry about.”

Seeing the calm and loving expression on Drake's face, and knowing that he's making perfect sense, brings fresh tears of gratitude. His tone isn’t condescending or teasing just honest and full of love. Kate covers her face with her hands. “I'm so sorry. You must think I'm so foolish and crazy.”

Drake pulls her into his arms as she continues crying against his shoulder. “Sshh, you're not foolish or crazy. You're only human Kate, and I love you. You're growing a whole other human in that beautiful body of yours and you have every right to get emotional about it.”

The thin material of her robe offers little warmth and Drake realizes how cool her hands are as she cuddles into his chest. “My gosh, Kate you're freezing. We really need to find a way to heat this bathroom better. Let me draw you a warm bath, and then we can talk some more.”

Kate nods wiping at her puffy eyes and sniffing back her tears as she steps back. Drake grabs a bath sheet and wraps it around her shoulders, “Here hold onto this while I draw us a bath.”

“Us?” Kate asks quietly, wiping her nose on the corner of the towel.

Drake chuckles quietly, leaning over to turn on the taps on their large soaker tub. “Well who else is going to wash your back for you?”

“You're so sweet to me Drake, I bet other husbands don't do this for their wives.”

Drake fetches Kate's favorite shampoo and body wash out of the shower, “Well they should.”

As Kate watches, he places the shampoo and body wash on the side of the tub along with another bath towel for himself. Reaching into the bathwater he tests the temperature and then sits down on the edge of the tub to wait for it to fill.

Kate shifts from side to side, rubbing one cold foot against the other. How Drake could walk around naked in the chilly marble tiled bathroom and not shiver was baffling to her.

Drake glances down at her shuffling feet, “The floor does get cold in here doesn't it? I think we should invest in some infloor heating.”

Kate nods, “I suppose in the meantime I could get some slippers.”

Drake turns off the taps, and then walks over to Kate. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders he places a kiss on her temple. He grasps the edge of her towel in his fingers, “May I?”

Kate lets go of her towel and Drake pulls it away with a flourish, quickly folding it and placing it next to his. Untying her robe, he slips it down off of her shoulders and it melts into a puddle at her feet. Kate gasps and instinctually wraps her arms around his ribs to soak up some of his body heat.

Cradling her gently around the back he tilts his face down and closes his eyes, smiling against her lips as she tilts her face up to meet his. Their kisses are soft and unhurried, lips parting for each other under gentle pressure as they meet again and again. Once Kate feels warmed all over, she tips her head back and whispers, “Thank you, I needed that.”

Drake nods, “Mmhmm, I know. Ready for your bath?”

Kate nods and Drake steps back and then dips down to scoop her up in his arms. Kate holds onto his neck and shoulders as he turns and gently places her down into the warm water. Scooting forward a little she allows him room to climb in behind her. Drake settles down into the warm water with a sigh, drawing up his knees and Kate slides back to lean against his chest. Lifting his hand face up out of the water and resting it on his knee, Kate takes the silent hint and places her hand in his lacing their fingers together. Tugging his arm back to hug against her chest, she kisses the back of his hand. He dips his head down to kiss her shoulder. They sit quietly like this for a few minutes, watching the steam rise from the water. Kate breaks the silence first, “So what did Preston want?”

Drake presses more kisses against her shoulder and neck, working his way up to her ear. “He brought me my phone, that I'd left in the SUV yesterday, and for you he brought a special treat.”

Kate caresses up and down his thigh, raising her eyebrows with surprise, “Ooh, what kind of treat?”

Drake squeezes her hips gently with his thighs and kisses her on the cheek, “Oh, something round, sweet, green and Italian.”

Kate frowns in thought, “Sweet, green..and Italian?”

Drake sweeps her hair off to the side, kissing the back of her neck. “Remember the last time we visited Rome? We went into that sweet shop and you fell in love with the Pistachio Almond cookies on the sample tray?”

Kate gasps as she remembers, “You got me Peluso's Pistakì cookies?”

Drake smiles as he reaches for her bottle of body wash and the bath sponge. “Mmhmm, I asked Preston to enquire about them at the candy shop in town. I told him to tell them that they were your favorite cookie and asked if they could get them in stock.”

“Oh Drake, that's the best gift ever. Now I don't have to go all the way to Italy to find them. How did you know I was craving them?”

“I've watched you nibbling on bowls of mixed nuts and trail mix lately, and there always seemed to be almonds and pistachios mixed in along with your chocolate covered raisins and cranberries.”

Kate blushes as she gnaws on her bottom lip. “So you've caught onto my cravings for sweets then?”

Drake uncaps her body wash and squirts some on the sponge. “Uh huh. But you've seemed to keep it on the healthy side for the most part. As far as I can tell. So kudos to you.”

Kate thinks back to the cookies and milk and gum drops she was snacking on yesterday. Hana made sure to save as many green candies for Kate as possible. Kate nods, glad that Drake can't see the guilty expression on her face, “Yes, yes I try to.”

Drake knows she's lying but lets it slide. “Want to sit forward so I can wash your back and shoulders?”

Kate scoots forward in the tub, enjoying the scent of orange blossoms and vanilla as Drake washes her shoulders. Watching the creamy foam slide down over her breasts as they rise out of the water reminds her of ice cream. Breathing deeply and closing her eyes, Kate suddenly has a craving for an Orange Creamsicle.

Drake drags the sponge underneath the water and rubs Kate's back with it, bringing a moan of satisfaction to her lips. “Mmm, that feels so good. Why do you do so much for me?”

Drake wets down her hair with the sponge and then hands the sponge forward and reaches for her shampoo. “Cuz, it's my job.”

“I didn't know bath buddy was part of the Duke of Valtoria job description.” Kate giggles as Drake runs his fingers through her hair.

“No, but it's on page three of the husband and lover handbook.”

Kate bends her knees up and scrubs down her legs with her sponge. “That's funny. I've never seen that book in the library before.”

“It's in the special ‘Guys only’ section.”

Kate closes her eyes as Drake lathers up her hair, “So if bath duties are on page three, what's on page one and two?”

Drake smirks, as he scoops water up in his hands and rinses out her hair, “Sorry that's classified information.”

“Ok, point taken. So what other surprises should I expect on our first Christmas day?”

“I dunno, you'll have to wait and see. Oh just to clarify, you didn't really want a pony did you? Because we could always add one to the stables.”

Kate laughs, turning around in the tub to kneel between his thighs and lean in for a kiss. “No silly, you're my pony.”

Drake grins, sliding his hands down to cup her ass as she giggles between his kisses, “And what about the rockets and fireworks?”

Kate gasps with delight, wrapping her arms around his neck, “Ooh, could we really have fireworks?”

Drake squeezes her ass and teases butterfly kisses across her cheeks and nose, “Not for Christmas, but maybe for New Year's Eve.”

“Ooh, they would be so pretty to set off over the lake.”

Drake nods, “Sounds like a plan, consider it done.”

---

Later, all warm and cozy in flannel pjs and sitting cross legged on the bed, Kate opens up her package of cookies. “It's a shame I can't have a cup of coffee with these. I miss coffee.”

Drake wanders out of the closet dressed in a pair of track pants, “We could get some decaf sent up from the kitchen. Or maybe some tea. I know I could use a coffee too.”

Kate unwraps a cookie and bites into it, closing her eyes and savoring the sweet flavor, “Mmm, these are heavenly. Do you want one?”

Drake watches her lick the powdered sugar off her lip. “Maybe later. Don't eat too many of those we still have to make an appearance at breakfast.”

Kate pouts as she finishes off her cookie. “Oh fine, just one….or maybe two. One for me and one for Little One.” Kate rubs her belly affectionately as she reaches into the packaging for another cookie.

Drake walks over to the bedside to check his phone, there's a light flashing indicating messages. “Damn, it's almost dead.”

He opens the bedside drawer to fish out his charger. Sitting down on the edge of the bed he hears the rustle of another cookie being opened. He sighs and then glances over his shoulder at Kate. “I thought Little One, or whatever was only having one cookie.”

Kate looks away, brushing some pistachio crumbles off of her chest. “Sorry.”

Shaking his head, Drake rests his elbows on his knees and thumbs through the messages on his phone. “Seriously, save room for breakfast. Oh look.. it seems that Bertrand and Savannah won't be coming to our Christmas dinner after all.”

Kate raises her eyebrows, mumbling around a cheekfull of cookie, “Aww, why not?”

“Bartie's sick and they don't want to travel with him and get us sick too.”

Drake turns and snatches away the box of cookies, “You're gonna make yourself sick eating so many of these. Can't be good for Little One.”

Kate tears up a little at his gruff scolding, “Hey those are mine! We're hungry.” She rubs her belly and pouts.

Drake frowns rubbing at his forehead with his thumb and fingers, “Quit it already with the childishness. Besides using the nickname ‘Little One’ over and over again is bugging the hell out of me. We need to pick out baby names or something.”

Kate looks down at the bedspread as she picks at the crumbs around her, “Actually Hana helped me pick out names yesterday.”

Drake sighs with annoyance, tossing his phone down on the bed. “Hana helped you.”

Kate shrugs avoiding eye contact with Drake, “And Nicholas…I'm sorry, I know you wanted for us to do that together.”

Drake's nerves bristle at the mention of Nicholas helping pick names for his heir. He and Kate had been adamant that their baby was to be raised as they saw fit, and that the heir to the throne business shouldn't be a priority until it really needed to be. “You let him pick names instead of me?”

Kate tries to diffuse Drake's anger before it got any worse, “Not exactly. He just supervised as Hana and I researched names from Cordonian noble history. We were just throwing around the idea of reviving an old name that would help our child connect to the past.”

The idea of his child being named after some long dead stuffy noble grated on Drake's nerves even more. “So we could instill a sense of stuffy pretentiousness in our child from day one?! You've got to be kidding.”

Kate sighs, her stomach feeling queasy, and her baby moving about adding to her growing discomfort, “Look, it's just a list of names. It's not a binding contract or a damn yoke around our baby's neck. You have the right to veto any name you don't like or toss the whole list away and we can start a new one. I'm sorry Drake, really I am. I didn't realize you would get so upset.”

Drake's phone vibrated on the bed and he picked it up to check it. With a groan he runs his fingers through his hair, giving it a tug and then letting go. “Well Fuck, if that doesn't add insult to injury.”

Kate looks on with concern, “Now what?”

“Olivia has invited herself to dinner.”

..

[choerrypuffs]

AAAAAAAAAA I READ THE JENO FIC LIKE. 3 TIMES??? ALREADY??? AND HOLY FUCKING JHDJKNKJDSJDF

miss lana i am: speechless.

I LITERALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY?? LIKE I WOULD LEAVE A REVIEW BUT I LOVED EVERYTHING IN THE FIC SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH PARTS TO PINPOINT???

omg take rest!! was the pain too bad? :(

AHAHAH tbh most desis end up multilingual so it's really nothing special ;-; we generally end up knowing at least 3 languages (except maybe parts of north india since hindi is the regional language there) but south indians (like me), people from the west and the north east always end up knowing english, hindi + the regional language/our mothertongue

I REALLY WANNA LEARN MANDARIN OR CANTONESE OMG!!! i just really love the way those languages sound? like the intonations(?) and i love the script so much too!!

sigh i wish our school had therapy dogs LMAO the only thing we get is this monthly "motivational" talk that does nothing to motivate us, makes us feel worse about our grades and basically tells us that we need to study harder than we already are </3 seriously reconsidering taking science for my last two years of high school :/

but enough about that!! being an english major seems so fun ngl <3 because english is one of the subjects that i genuinely enjoy learning (along with bio and math) so it does feel like it'd be very interesting :D tbvh, bio is my comfort subject, like i always study it whenever i need a break from relatively harder subjects like physics or chem ;-; did you ever have a subject like that in high school? y'know, it makes you actually want to study instead of studying for the sake of it?

also idk if this is tmi or not but yesterday ccsa messaged me asking me if the inside of your ears could sweat and i needed to google it up for her 😭😭 sorry ccsa /j

~ samoyed <3

OMG I'M SO HAPPY YOU LIKED IT 🥺🥺🥺 THE FACT YOU READ IT IS ENOUGH FOR ME <333333333

yes braces pain is brutal 😭😭😭 it's almost a week and i still can't anything except soft, almost liquified foods 💔

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BEING TRILINGUAL IS SUPER SPECIAL??? IT'S AMAZING THAT MOST DESIS CAN SPEAK THREE LANGUAGES 🤩🤩🤩 the american school system sucks so bad omg why am i learning algebra when i could be learning 3 languages

YES OMG i can't read or write chinese characters but i can read pinyin, which just tells your which tone to use bc chinese has four main intonations and it's so helpful 😩 i took a chinese class in uni bc i wanted to learn how to read and write it and it was literally so hard?? my mom had to tutor me and i still did awful 💀 the only reason i passed with a good grade was bc 90% of the tests were speaking

my mom speaks cantonese too! she's so amazing she knows four languages 😌 i used to be able to understand it a little but now i'm totally clueless 💔

monthly motivational talk sounds brutal omfg 💀💀💀 no bc telling kids to study harder and stressing them out even more while giving them virtually no breaks is totally a healthy method of teaching 🥴 please make sure to take care of yourself, my love!! take hot baths and treat yourself to some really really good food 😤

yes being an english major is really fun!! i love reading classic books even if they're boring bc most of the time there's always a homoerotic subtext to them 😌 and it's really nice to see boomer profs get all flustered and uncomfortable when you bring it up during discussion 😩 i will say research paper season is BRUTAL though omg i had to write 40 pages worth of research papers in a month and it was awful

not me saying that like i didn't write a 22k fic in a week

i loved english in high school! idk if i loved it per se but i was really good at it and i loved the academic validation LMAO i also thought history was super interesting too! hated the tests though 💀 it was a college level course bc my high school offered dual enrollment classes for college credit so i actually had to study but i never did

omg wait a second. YOU ENJOYED MATH???? SAMOYED ANON WTF ARE YOU OKAY 😭😭😭 WHAT PART OF MATH DO YOU LIKE?? THE CRYING?? THE ERASER FLAKES ALL OVER THE PAPER BC YOU KEEP GETTING THE ANSWER WRONG?? THE RAGE???

wait i'm curious too do the inside of our ears sweat 😳

[spacexxvnicorn-blog]

You kind of wish I would have something interesting to share after disappearing for the entire weekend. Clearly I suck at this daily journaling task and would prefer if I call it, "Journaling whenever I feel like it." It takes so much preparation in my part "mentally" before I could sit down, open my laptop, edit a pretty photo to use as the intro to this post, and start pouring my heart out. And if there's anything else I suck the most, that's consistency in a lot of things.

I would be lying if I said that being being on Tumblr hasn't helped me in any way. I'm a pretty private person but I've allowed my posts to be available to anyone of those that follow me, either here or on Twitter. I'm not gonna go as far as broadcasting this on Instagram or Facebook. I don't intentionally want the attention, I just want to be myself.

If I'm gonna ask anyone who has coped with their anxiety, they'd pretty much give me the same advice I got from my counselor and Pinterest. Set a healthy daily routine, meditate, exercise, do yoga, journaling, take walks, eat healthy, get enough sleep, and all the other good stuff. Yeah I did my own research and stuff as I've been in this rut so many times I couldn't remember or didn't even bother to count. I considered this as a normal part of life, I pretty much let it define me as a person. Little did I know how unhealthy it got and how much it affects those I love and my work. So to properly start this off, and I apologize for the long intro, here's how the past few days go.

I can't seem to take off from the number 2 level of emotion, meaning I was still below what is acceptable to be labeled "okay". But you should all know that I've been trying so hard to get myself out of this state. I try to acknowledge the negativity and let it go as what I learned through meditation, but so far, I don't feel like I took a huge step to getting better. Little baby steps maybe, but I guess that's better than nothing at all. Maybe I was expecting a miracle recovery from being so somber for a long time. But here's one thing that helped me somehow out of all the attempts I've made to getting better. It's looking forward to something. I'm not sure if it's a healthy way to cope, but I find anything new that I could look forward to, or maybe something that would just bring a smile to my face like, getting myself Iced Coffee, making my version of a green smoothie, finding a new gym nearby that I could sign up for, and even writing this journal (when I feel like it). My morning walks was like yesterdays news and I stopped only because I plan to sign up for the gym.

Overall, today was pretty mundane. The weekend had a few events that didn't really got me through the roof but it was at least a little step out of being depressed.

I talked to my boyfriend last night and told him what really goes in my brain when I feel anxious. So I enumerated some of the most common things:

1. In a room full of people, I try to plan my conversations in my head before even engaging in one. This helps me prepare myself to make sure I don't say anything possibly stupid or may accidentally offend someone, or give them a bad impression of me.

2. After a socialize, which most cases becomes awkward, I replay the conversation in my head after and would think about what I could've said or if there was something I wanted to change or add. This would often go on for hours.

3. I feel immense pressure when I'm in a room with someone. It's mostly because I think about what I should say first to break the awkward silence, like what would be a great conversation starter and what responses I could give to make sure that the conversation continues and not just pause after we exchange 1 or 2 responses.

After sharing this to my boyfriend, he said he didn't know it was that bad. And I really didn't expect him to understand as he's always been comfortable in socializing with different people. He's a social chameleon, which is why after introducing him to my friend, my friends, and my friend's friends would immediately like him. It's just a surprise that we get a long so well.

So now for the labeling. If I was to label how I feel at the moment, well after all the typing, I'd give it a 3. But if it was before writing this post, it'd be a 2. See? I guess journaling does work. I just have to work on being more consistent in things.

[nerdytransgirl]

NSFW ask! those questions......... alllll of them.

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

Not sure. I tend to follow my gut when i meet people, so maybe there's some subconscious thoughts? But Personally, I’d say not, since I actively seek out thoughts on looks in order to change them by thinking “what if that was you?”. 

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes. Yes they are. I feel so good when I click with a group of people, but when I find that one I can spend 100% of my time/energy with, they are all i need.

3. Are you a virgin?

haha, whats that?

4. Are you in a relationship?

Not in any I like, thats for sure. (samy, shut up. you got your family/live under the same roof, i want mine.)

5. Are you in love?

yes.

6. Are you single this year?

yeah. ish. 

7. Can you commit to one person?

I can, and I have before. 

8. Describe your crush

Smart, funny, nerdy, loves to talk with me, but even the silence in eachothers company was amazing, seeing the stars/moon reminds me of her every night. 9. Describe your perfect mate

^up there.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

mmm, yes? people are people, and sometimes they just... click!

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes, but not for government benefits. For Love. 

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

No, not without a VERY good explanation with proof. 

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Yes. bitch, I know I ordered the salad, but I’d cheat on it with your burger anyday.

other than that, no.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Yes.

15. Do you have any piercings?

Yes. Yes I do. ;p

16. Do you have any tattoos?

yes. 27 if you count individual letters separately.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

If it’s someone I love, then the world can fuck off as I make out with them in the middle of the mall.

20. Do you shower every day?

I try to, but water conservation/depression sometimes get in the way.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Yup. I’m cute as heck, so unless you’re Ace, I assume you have feelings for me. 

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Probably. Do parents ever not think about their kid?

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Easily.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Well, I was engaged last year, so who knows! Maybe!

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

Yes, of course. I’m sick of my heart breaking tho.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes. I didn't think it would be that bad till I lost them.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

mmm, nope.

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Kinda? I’ve been lied to in the middle of a break with an understanding we would use the break to improve our relationship.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Never.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Yup. Besides the standard surgery, I want to modify my body with augmentable mechanical limbs!31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Every day.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yes.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Yup. Hated it.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Yup. Loved all of them. wait, no scratch that, still love them all even if our lives are going in two different directions now.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes. Yes I have. 

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Liked? LIKED??!?! I love her. RIP, Alex. I miss you.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yup. first gf. she was manipulative and my friends told me, but I wouldn't listen.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes. First time I met them I was scared shitless, but now I’m pretty sure that person would fight for me if someone was a big enough of a dick to me. 

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yes, everyday for two years now. 

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

haha, yes! but none of you’ll ever hear it!

41. Have you had sex so far this year?Yes, though not as much as my newfound horniness would like me to be having. 

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Umm, depends? Sometimes kissing doesn't start till after the wandering?

43. How long was your longest relationship?

3 years.

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Umm, I’ve dated a lot, but in terms of actual relationships? 5. 

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

Nobody. That’s when I was coming out of the closet to myself. 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

I had a partner then, so...

47. How old are you?

Im currently a Quarter of a century old. How about that?

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

“Awesome! go get that skan... Skilled tuba player, im assuming.” 

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

Currently not applicable. But I do like the intelligence and depth of conversation I’ve had with partners. 

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

No. That ship has sailed.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes. 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

A girl named Glenni. She told me she was Ace, but I will admit it took a little longer than that to stop pining for her. 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

A few people don’t like my on-again/off-again/complex relationship with a gal in Monterey.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Alex.

55. Share a relationship story.

Watching the sunset on the beach slowly turn into a hamburger because of the clouds. We also had a picnic and I made vegan cheese for her sandwich! Idk what happened, but sadly we are no longer together.

56. State 8 facts about your body

Soft, Squishy, blonde leg/arm hair that makes me look shaved even after 8 months, a scar on my nose, a scar on my arm, crazy strength, shit stamina, gets wet at the beach.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Fuck you for messing me up so badly that when I met the next person to make me feel even happier, I chickened out out of fear I’d lose them. 

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Food, Conversational compatibility, cuddles, Adventures, ability to enjoy eachothers company in silence.59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Here

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

7 years. that's the extreme I’m willing to date.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Eyes, usually. Not color or shape, but how they express themselves, if that makes sense.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I’d say something special that shows me how much they care for me. 

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Um, pretty much whatever you do with you and your partners genitals i guess?

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Seeing someone else in a relationship/sexual capacity without my knowledge. 

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

Teasing, followed by light touching.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

BDSM, Brat vs Dom. I’ll let you guess what role I like to play. ;p

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Lots of cuddling, movies, and food all at home followed by sexytimes maybe?

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Gay. women are just so hot. 

69. What turns you off?

Lots of things. but being mean is pretty high up there. 

70. What turns you on?

Cheezy romantic crap directed at me.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

Giving my partner complete (consensual and trusting with a safeword) control for them to do whatever they want with me. 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

... 

”Good girl.” 

>.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Take me out for fancy food.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Weight. I dont like too skinny or too heavy, but someone with a healthy looking amount of chub I can become immediately attracted to. 

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Flew out to visit me. We shared one kiss. 

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Idk, I like to think im pretty sweet to most people in general, but I don't know what the sweetest thing I’ve done for someone is. 

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

if you’re not in your teens, don't date a teen. Otherwise, keep it within a decade to minimize incompatibility brought about by slight differences in culture growing up, especially in this technological age where it seems every six months there’s a new generation influencing the world. My limit is 7 years.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

Ever sucked a girls dick on a beach under a new moon? I have. 

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

A few days ago. She’s just better than me in every way it seems. 

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

yesterday?

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Me, samy, rain, glenni, alex

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

um, my therapist. A new one that i can very easily open up too, and apparently the feelings I’ve shared with her made her want to hug me at the end of our session. 

83. Who was your first kiss with?

NOBODY. thats who. 

she ded 2 me.

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

I have no clue. I thought things were going well, but then she told me she wanted to end things romanticly. I accepted, because why not? I don't want to force someone to be with me that doesn't want to. But I do worry it was something i said, something I did. 

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

haha, how do you think i find gf’s?

[darlinlolli]

Broken Soul

My world is crashing down around me and idk what to about it, I felt like ending it all yesterday but that would be so drastic lol, don't wanna do something id regret in the afterlife now would I? I feel like venting to the void of Tumblr might help me overcome some of these feelings I have. 1. I'm back home from college and it feels like high school all over again, I don't like it 2. I have no friends here and no one to hang out with here either so I'm in this house all day bored doing shit like this. 3. My bf and I had a falling out and we are taking an unwanted break, he even deleted my name out his bio and pictures of me (drastic much?) 4. Then he goes to tell me his uncle passed away after I said all this stuff that wasn’t understanding and now I'm here feeling guilty crying feeling broken. I had an ex who did this same stuff and I'm scared I don't want him to turn into that ex... his parents don't trust me or him and the mom doesn't like me she thinks I'm chubby and not healthy like fuck her she can suck my fat ass. I really hope we can make it because I really like him a lot. The parents won't even let him visit me or anything like that. His parents wanted to meet me first before I even met him, like cmon now, what is that. who does that to teenagers we are supposed to date first and then the parents get involved, he has no plan for the future, he wants to be a fucking video game streamer, he makes amazing artwork and he's wasting his talent because one school turned him down. I just ugh guys mess me up so much to the point where all I know what to do is cry and beg for them to take me back or do something. I don't want to take a break, I don't want this to be the end of us. Jon and I are perfect together and I will do whatever it takes to save our secret relationship thingy we got going on.