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destielshippingnews · 3 years ago

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Edvard's Supernatural Rewatch & Review: 1x12 Faith

In this review and analysis, I will discuss Dean’s obvious trauma, survivor’s guilt, and suicidal ideations stemming from John's mistreatment of him; Sam’s possible autism; and atheism in America in Supernatural's twelfth episode. Spoilers up to the final episode of The Show.

1x12 Faith is one of the fans’ all-time favourite episodes, enjoying a rating on 8,8 on IMDb based on over 6,000 votes. Written by Sera Gamble and Raelle Tucker, this episode suggests that Gamble IS a good writer of individual episodes, though she dropped the ball as show-runner on series 6 and 7. However, Raelle Tucker’s solo episodes such as 2x20 What Is and What Should Never Be are standout performances, so I am not sure where the real credit belongs.

1x12 Faith presents a morally-ambiguous situation wherein an innocent person dies regardless of what happens. It is reminiscent of the Buffy episode 2x07 Lie to Me, wherein a character dying of brain cancer is willing to sacrifice dozens of innocents to avoid his fate. Faith is, however, unusual in Supernatural in that it shows an uncharacteristic depth of thought regarding its plot.

In addition to a stellar script and Jensen’s usual world-class performance (once more, I swear I am not paid to say things like that), Julie Benz also graced the screen with her presence in the role of Layla. Unless I am forgetting somebody, she is the third Buffyverse cast member to appear on the show, following Amy Acker in 1x03 Dead in the Water and, of course, Jeffrey Dean Morgan who appeared in an episode of Angel. While lovely to see familiar faces from similar genre shows appearing in Supernatural, it is a reminder of how precarious the show’s position was at first. They tried to draw in the audience they expected would enjoy the show by casting people from other shows the intended audience knew and enjoyed. It does not count as stunt acting coughSnookie cough Paris Hilton cough and their performances definitely stand up without distracting from the plot.

The plot is certainly one of the most interesting and challenging so far; no matter what happens, innocents are going to suffer and die. Do we want innocent Dean to live, or do we want innocent Layla to live? The plot will not allow both.

But the first year of this show is mainly focused on developing the brothers and their relationship to each other, so episodes such as 1x12 Faith stand out for having both brilliant plot and character development.

On to the episode, and the cold open begins right in the middle of the action. In medias res (a term meaning ‛starting in the middle of the action’) is a risky business. Writers want to get the viewer or reader interested in the story right away, and a fight scene or chase is theoretically a good way of going about this. It is risky because if the reader or viewer does not know the characters, the stakes, or even what is going on, it can be confusing and off-putting. Star Wars IV: A New Hope did this well in the opening shot AND the opening scene: the visuals of the tiny rebel starship and the overwhelming juggernaut of the Imperial battleship chasing it tells us everything we need to know to get started. The introduction of Darth Vader presents him immediately as a tyrannical threat. All of this is done with no backstory (except the opening crawl) and it is easy to follow the events.

The cold open of 1x12 Faith is in medias res done right: I know the characters and the world well enough that no explanation is necessary here. A shame, then, that The Show did not do this more often. I expect that by the time it had become two or three series long, they could not rely on all the viewership having watched all the episodes, knowing all the lore, or simply having the attention span to be able to follow without having their hand held. Perhaps this explains why the ‛Previously on’ eventually gets obnoxiously spoilery with all its unnecessary exposition for the idiots in the cheap seats.

What exactly a rawhead is never gets revealed, only that it eats children. A rawhead is referred to again in series 14, but only in passing. As such, I will skip over it to the important part of the cold open: Dean killing it with electric. The rawhead knocked Dean over into a puddle of water, and Dean wasted no time in electrocuting the rawhead with the stun gun. Unfortunately the rawhead was just barely standing in the water, so Dean got shocked as well. Upon my rewatch of the episode for this review, I realised Dean probably knew this was a risk. It could not have escaped his notice that he was wet and lying in a puddle, nor that playing with electricity had a high chance of damaging him. Did he accept the probability of his own death as an acceptable price in killing the rawhead and saving the children? Knowing Dean as well as I do, I have to conclude that he did, even without taking the rest of this episode into account.

Sticking with the cold open a while longer, let’s discuss Sam a bit here. It should not be news to anybody who has read this far that I am not here for Sam: I do not love Sam, I do not live for Sam, I generally do not care for Sam. I do understand, though, that some people get a lot out of Dean and Sam’s brotherhood, and enjoy a show about love that is not romantic. While I have my beef with some people in this contingent, the premise of a show focusing on men’s non-romantic bonds with other men definitely appeals to me for a variety of reasons. I first read Robert and Arvid in Vilhelm Moberg’s The Emigrants novels as a deeply intimate and important male friendship which they valued above other relationships, and I did not realise how much I needed that in my life until I read it. (That said, it is also equally valid to interpret Arvid and Robert as a same-sex couple, but that is another story).

Supernatural, however, made Dean and Sam’s relationship poisonous, manipulative, and abusive. Dean was the codependent abused and Sam the narcissistic abuser. While it gave us this dysfunctional horror show, the series seemed blissfully unaware of precisely what it was portraying. It expected the viewer to get behind the brothers’ relationship and root for them to value their brotherhood over everything and everybody else. This is not what I watch the show for, but Sam’s reaction to Dean’s apparent death in the cold open did give me a glimpse of what The Show and the brothers’ relationship could have been. Sam genuinely seemed terrified that Dean was dead, and the rest of the episode carries this on. I give Sam a lot of grief, but even I have to admit that in spite of all his crap, he does love Dean. This does not negate the bad behaviour, but at least when Dean needs him, Sam does his best to help. It is just a shame that Sam only shows his love when he is about to lose Dean.

It is also nice to be reminded of a time when Jared cared about acting on this show.

Moving swiftly on, after a nasty reminder of precisely how messed up the American medical insurance situation is, the viewer is presented with a scene which – without my trademark oversharing – is simply an entire mood. Panda-eyed, pale, and weak, Dean’s suicidal, fatalistic attitude is both tragic and 100% relatable.

I have stated elsewhere that when I watch Dean, I see exactly the kind of young man who is at an acute risk of dying by suicide. The responsibility he takes onto himself, his self-sacrifice, his lack of self-worth and self-esteem, his abusive, violent childhood (leaving your child alone in a motel for weeks IS abuse, whatever John’s apologists might say), his lack of support before he is in a crisis, his use of humour to cover up his real emotions, his desperation to be worthy of his dad’s love... I am no expert on suicide or suicide studies, but I cannot help recognising it in Dean (and The Show explicitly portrays him as suicidal on various occasions). Whether or not this was the intent is besides the point, and whether or not I am projecting is also beside the point; this is what I see.

One thing many people do not know or consider when thinking of suicide is that it is not always actively trying to die, but it can also mean not trying to stay alive. Dean makes it abundantly clear that he does not intend to keep living in this scene as soon as he brushes aside Sam’s comment of “I talked to your doctor”. He purposefully deflected with his remark about daytime telly being terrible (hilarious given Jensen’s career), signalling his desire to avoid that conversation.

Dean gets a lot of hate from some people who perceive his actions as entirely selfish: he brought Sam back into the hunting life in episode 1 because Dean did not want to be alone, some claim. Some also claim he did what he did at the end of series 2 because he could not live without Sam, even if it meant Sam had to watch him die. He restored Sam’s soul against Sam’s will in series 6. He helped ‛Ezekiel’ keep Sam alive in series 9, etc etc etc.

At risk of offending one or two of my seven readers, that reads to me like the limited perspective of the younger, immature sibling who does not see his/her older brother as an actual human, but rather a trope and a punchbag. That reads like Emo King Sam’s perspective, and it is so short-sighted and self-absorbed that it does not belong anywhere but in a teenager’s diary.

Dean believes he is worthless, but at the same time is entirely responsible and accountable for other people’s suffering. He does not try to help or save others because he wants to be the hero or wants to have control over their lives, but because he believes the only thing he is good for is getting hurt so other people do not have to. If that means sacrificing his life, then so be it: his life is worthless anyway, and even his dad never shows him anything resembling love.

Up until this point in the show, Dean’s mask has mostly stayed firmly on around Sam. He presents himself as a larger-than-life, unnaturally strong and charismatic hunter with a Devil may care attitude, but he does this because it is what others need of him. He has to make Sam believe Dean is stronger than he is and that Dean can protect him, because that was always his role. He must be seen to be capable (which of course he is), but to do this he must downplay and conceal any weakness to maintain the illusion. The reason for this is that any hint of weakness runs the risk of the people he loves seeing him as flawed, casting him aside, and replacing him.

I said in 1x09 Home that I will save most of my ire for John until a later date, and the later date is fast approaching. We see little direct evidence of John’s mistreatment of his sons, the elder in particular. However, the other side of Dean presented in 1x12 Faith is all the negative image we should need. His façade falls away to reveal a weak, small, broken, and very human man. His eyes are sunken, his skin is grey, his jokes fall flat, he sits like a sick man with breathing problems, and the viewer is forced to look at the man behind the mask. The choice of attire for Dean in this episode is also striking is its divergence from his usual garb: a hoodie and outer coat reminiscent of Tom Hanniger in My Bloody Valentine. This makes him look smaller, younger, and much more vulnerable.

This is the part of Dean he hates other to see. If they see him as weak, they see him as less capable, and less valuable. They see him as disposable. As his entire motivation is centred around being valuable to others, this is incredibly difficult and scary for him. Worse, perhaps, is the fact it was not a monster who did this to him, not really: it was an accident involving electricity. It was a reminder that simply being alive is a risk, and being alive is a threat to Dean’s usefulness.

His resistance to Sam’s offers of help also suggest a certain view of himself: that he truly is worthless and does not deserve to live if he is weak. Thanks, John.

All of these last few paragraphs seem to pass a huge number of viewers by, and I cannot for the life of me understand how. The show presents Dean as suffering suicidal ideations in a way which is blindingly obvious, but still people miss it. Some even say he wants to die fighting. It is true Dean says more than once in the fifteen years of the show something to the effect of ‛I want to die fighting’ and ‛The only way it ends for me is young and bloody’. Some people cite this as reasons why what happened in 15x20 is what Dean would have wanted, but I cannot even begin to agree.

He does not want to die like that, he simply does not see a happy ending for himself. He does not believe he could ever have anything resembling a happy ending, and all his actions are informed by this belief. He never hesitated for a second before electrocuting the rawhead in the cold open, for example, because he thought he would likely die soon anyway. This is why he willingly sacrifices himself over and over again, and this is precisely why the way he died in the ‛official’, ‛canonical’ ending to the show was a complete betrayal of the character, the actor, and the fans who saw a part of themselves in Dean. Misha and Jensen’s You Are Not Alone campaign raised money to start a suicide and crisis hotline, and spoiler alert spoiler alert having Dean die of a treatable wound because he accepted he was supposed to die young was a slap in the face and a wad of spit in the eye spoiler alert spoiler alert.

The show was so close to doing so many things right, but the last two episodes undid every chance they possibly had. Cas’s erasure shocked me, and the refusal to address Dean’s feelings about Cas’s confession was a kick in the nuts, but what happened to Dean took the biscuit.

This was not just another of my side-tracks, but necessary to ensure you are on the same page as me when I discuss this episode and its importance in Dean’s character development.

Dean has hitherto been a larger-than-life character, so it is shocking for him to be hospitalised and on the verge of a very human death. It is intensely unheroic and he fully believed Sam would leave him there to die.

If I had a heart left...

Moving on to the main plot of the episode, Sam’s refusal to let Dean die lead them to a faith healer in Nebraska, and the episode’s other main theme comes into play: belief in ‘good’ and faith in general.

It was not until my most recent viewing that I actually saw anything unusual about Dean’s lack of religious belief. Whether you want to call it agnosticism, atheism, deism, or whatever, he does not believe in ‘good’ forces, nor miracles, not apparently a life after death. As a British person living in northern Europe, this is par for the course. Most people in Britain are de facto atheists, and most people in the Nordic countries where I now live are atheist. Dean’s views would not in any way stand out

here or be considered noteworthy, and Sam’s would be regarded as naïve, sweet, and childish.

America (and Canada), however, is a different beast altogether. Belief in the Christian god is taken as a matter of course there, and atheists or even agnostics are seen as radical, dangerous, and even threatening. Dean’s lack of faith is therefore remarkable. Of course, given his history it would be hard for him to believe in the existence of good of any kind, and it took until 15x18 for anybody to tell him that he was good.

Which reminds me, as sweet as Layla was, her line If you’re going to have faith, you have to have faith when the miracles don’t happen’ was just a nice way of saying ‘If you don’t believe when things are going badly, you never really believed in the first place’. I understand religionists hold onto things like that as if it is is a noble position to hold, but to be quite honest it just sounds like denial to me. However, my own opinions on religious belief are not the issue here: the point is that Dean is in a nadir where his lack of belief is challenged by the apparent existence of miracles.

Before going into the tent, I would like to linger a moment on Dean and Sam’s conversation outside. Dean’s hesitance to enter the tent is clearly a product of his refusal to believe anything good can exist, and Sam’s question ‘If you know evil’s out there, why don’t you believe good’s out there too?’ is one a lot of viewers might be asking themselves.

My thoughts went instantly to Anne Rice’s novel Interview with the Vampire. In contrast to the film, the first 100 pages of the novel deal with Louis’s brother Paul’s illness and death. His illness was likely some variety of psychosis as he claimed to be hearing god. A local priest was convinced it was not the voice of god the boy was hearing, but rather Satan. A similar question is raised in this plot arc: why is it so much easier for us to believe in evil than to believe in good? Why did the priest not believe it was God talking to the brother?

The answer Louis gives to the interviewer is essentially the same as Dean’s justification: we see evil much more often than we see good, so it is no stretch of the imagination to come to conclusion that evil exists. It requires much more ‘imagination’ to conclude that good exists, too. In fact, the predominance of evil in everyday life makes it hard to see how good could exist.

The fact that Doubting Dean is chosen as the first person to be healed at his first time attending the faith healer’s service is indeed open to interpretation as divine intervention. As episode 4x18 The Monster at the End of This Book makes clear, God is indeed very much involved in the brothers’ lives (especially Dean’s, with whom he has a weird, perverted obsession), this is an interesting thought to entertain.

Putting that aside, it does not take long before Dean and Sam realise the miraculous healings are not blessings or any variety, but the result of serious dark magic which has bound a reaper to the healer’s wife. The wife in question – named Sue-Ann – sends the reaper to kill a person whom she deems morally reprehensible, and that person’s life force (or so I deduce, it is never made explicit) is transferred to the person the healer is ‘healing’.

The first person to die in this manner in this episode is a gay teacher, and it is this man who died so that Dean could live. I would like to draw the reader’s attention to three things here: it is specifically Dean’s heart which is failing, rather than any other organ, and that the person who died to ‘save’ him is both gay and a teacher. The teacher role is a good mirror of Dean. Teaching is a nurturing profession which requires a lot of dedication, care, and patience, as the teacher is imparting knowledge to others to help them succeed in various areas of life.

The teacher killed in this episode was a school teacher, raising children. This should be more than enough for the viewer to draw parallels between Dean and the teacher, since Dean was responsible for raising his own brother at the expense of his own childhood. The teacher died of heart failure, and Dean’s heart was healed with a gay man’s life force (read: Dean’s heart is a gay man’s heart). This is what the episode shows us, and is not an issue up for debate: while dying of heart failure, Dean was linked to a gay man who died of heart failure. From 1x12 Faith until the end of the show, Dean has a gay man’s heart. Make of that what you will.

The blind priest’s line about seeing Dean’s heart, and that he was a young man with an important purpose, should also cause people ears to prick up.

Ethically and morally, what Sue-Ann is doing is unquestionably bad. A young woman dying of inoperable brain cancer is tragic, but should somebody die to save her? Layla never knew the cost of the healer’s miracles, so was not wracked with survivor’s guilt, but Dean’s confusion as to why he was chosen and saved indeed does transform into full-blown survivor’s guilt. Having experienced survivor’s guilt, Dean’s journey in this episode is spot on – it is more than simply wondering ‘Why am I alive?’, and involves a feeling that I do not deserve to be alive, and that I should die. He wants to stop the ‘healing’ to prevent more people dying, but perhaps also hopes that in doing so he can end his own life and be free of both his burden and his guilt.

What makes things worse is that Layla is exactly the kind of person whom Dean would want to protect and save, and Dean clearly sees a lot of himself reflected in her mother’s dedication to helping her. That she was passed over in favour of him is a knife in the guts, but the true kicker comes in at the end of the episode when Dean finds out that Layla is to be healed, and Dean will be killed to save her.

This was peak dramaturgy and I must tip my hat to the writers for this. Dean certainly turned his charm up to 11 the moment he set eyes on her, but after that I sensed nothing sexual between them; rather he simply wanted to help and protect her from her death, but was unable to. He and Sam had to sacrifice her to save others, and that is true tragedy.

Her bravery at the end of the episode when she has her final scene with Dean shows a lot of personal strength. I am not religious so I cannot take any kind of comfort in believing a deity or divine something has a plan or will take care of me after I die, but I understand it is a source of comfort and strength for a lot of people. Layla has accepted her death, but she does not do so in a despairing manner, but rather with her back straight and head high. The point of this final scene was not simply to drive home to the viewer the fact that Layla WILL die within the next few months, but to compare and contrast her with Dean. Both were at death’s door in this episode, but ‘faithless’ Doubting Dean fell in to despair, whereas Layla refused to bend beneath her burden.

A nasty thought I had whilst writing this section was that the writers might have written Dean the way they did in this episode as a snide, underhanded comment on the cowardice and faithlessness of suicidal people. It was just a thought, and I cannot give it much credence given Raelle Tucker’s exploration of Dean in 2x20 What Is and What Should Never Be, yet Layla’s comment about having faith when miracles do not happen can easily be interpreted that way.

If the readers want my own thoughts on this – and if you have read all of my reviews up to this point, you probably do – I sympathise but cannot empathise with Layla’s position. Sure if you believe, you cannot just believe when things are going well, but my question is ‘Why would I believe in the first place?’ I lost a friend to suicide, and never once turned to any kind of deity for help or comfort. It would be nice to believe in some kind of afterlife and to hope for a reunion of some variety, but I had to look death right in the eye and accept it as the final end. Doing otherwise would feel like lying to myself to avoid an uncomfortable truth and ignoring the reality of his death.

As for the reaper in this episode, it would be fine if reapers never appeared again, but they do as early as 2x01 In My Time of Dying. The next reaper we see looks nothing like this reaper, nor reapers much later in the show. The reason for this is likely that the writers etc had not decided on exactly what reapers were in the Superverse, how they worked, or what they looked like. This is not a big problem, but slightly jarring: the reaper in 1x12 Faith looks like what we might think of as an agent of death: ill, old, ugly, creepy, but this is almost completely forgotten after this. The fact that clocks stop when a reaper is around is a nice touch, but never comes up ever again.

What is not forgotten is Dean’s relationship with death, and it makes a reprise at the very beginning of series 2. Dean is a Jesus figure, as Paula R. Stiles detailed in her own reviews of Supernatural. He takes responsibility for other people’s suffering, and takes their guilt unto himself to try to absolve them. He is also the character who challenges death the most, and who eventually becomes the arch-enemy of Death itself.

This episode begins this parallel, but also begins what some fans call a storyline which details Dean’s slow journey to faith. The theme istaken up again in 2x13 Houses of the Holyand coming to a conclusion in 4x01 Lazarus Rising when Cas appears and reveals the existence of angels, i.e. the ‘good’ which Dean did not believe exist. This is a plot I am not keen on: 2x13 ended with Dean believing in something because of a freak accident, and 4x01 is not about belief, but knowledge. Belief and knowledge are different, and if ones knows angels exist, one does not believe in them. One knows. This is a strange, incoherent end to this subplot, but I can see what they were perhaps trying to do with it. Maybe religious people will get something out of this, but not me.

At just over 4,500 words, I will move on from the big topics of the episode and cover some smaller points. I make no secret of my distaste for Sam, but it recently occurred to me that some of his bad behaviour could possible be explained by his being somewhere on the autistic spectrum. He has a few traits of Asperger’s, such as fixations (serial killers, magic lore) and saying awful, insensitive things which he might not actually realise are awful and insensitive, which suggest perhaps something is not quite usual about his brain.

However, some of the things he says to Dean seem too malicious to be explainable as ‘not realising what he was saying’. When Dean checks himself out of hospital and turns up at the motel looking like Death warmed up, Sam wastes no time in talking to him in an incredibly patronising manner. ‘This whole laughing-in-the-face-of-death thing, it’s crap. I can see right through it.’ While it is nice for Sam that he thinks he is an expert of psychoanalysis, it should be obvious to anybody that Dean’s attempts at humour is a coping mechanism, as gallows humour always is. It is not particularly clever to see through it, but it would have been wise to allow him that little fig leaf so he can deal with his death in the way he wants to, not in a way that comforts Sam.

Come to think of it, this is exactly the problem I have with series 3: rather than focusing on Dean’s own journey in coming to terms with his own impending death, the focus is on Sam and how he deal with it.

But back to 1x12 Faith: Sam is almost certainly not neurotypical, but he does a better job of hiding it than Dean. Dean functions well in certain situations, but 1x11 Scarecrow gave us a hint that he is not as socially fluent as he might appear to be. Sam, however, is better as interaction with people he does not know, indicating perhaps a greater capability of adapting himself to different situations. This would not have come about naturally in his childhood, as he was isolated, had few if any lasting friendships, and mostly interacted with Dean who is in no way a paragon of social interaction. He had nobody to learn this stuff from, so would have had to learn by observation and mimicry.

This does not in any excuse his bad behaviour, but could explain it. I do not think he would be anythingmore than a mild or borderline case of Asperger’s if he is autistic, and the traits I have seen do not add up much, but it is a possibility. These traits can also be explained by his having grown up in an abnormal environment, but the two are not mutually exclusive.

The policemen seemed unnecessarily rough in their treatment of Dean when Sue-Ann started shouting. They could see he was not doing anything, so I do not understand why they grabbed him bodily. I did get a laugh however, later in the episode when Dean taunted them by saying ‘You gonna put that fear of God in me?’ It does not take much to see the euphemism there. Typical Dean, sexualising himself in front of authority figures.

The DVD featured an alternate version of Dean’s healing scene which is intercut with the gay teacher being killed. I can understand why the clip might have beencut: it made it too obvious too early that the healing had serious consequences, and it also felt a little awkward. A nagging in the back of my mind wonders whether the unmissable link between Dean and the gay teacher might also have played a role in the scene being axed from the theatrical release.

Regarding the choice of song for the episode, whilst it is the song one would expect in an episode dealing with this topic, it is obvious. I am not a huge fan of it, and sometimes the soundtrack in series one and two can feel like 10 year old Eric Kripke’s mix-tapeof his favourite songs. That said, it worked well and added to the vibe. I always associate the song with Stephen King’s The Stand because the chorus appears as a quote at the beginning.

And one last thing: John did not respond to Sam’s telephone calls. His elder son was dying, and John could not drop whatever it was doing for long enough to even call back. I spent a while at the beginning of this review detailing the negative image of John’s treatment of his sons, particularly the elder one. The fact John could not even pick up the telephone, let alone ‘shag ass’ to see Dean one last time before he died, really should cement the idea that John does not love or value Dean. His apologists might claim that John was busy, in too much danger, or trying to keep danger away from his sons, but Dean was dying. What more danger could he have been in? Neither does he apologise at any point for this rejection or abandonment. This is unforgivable, and I do not care what John does ‘for Dean’ in 2x01: he left his son to die and could not even pick up the telephone to call him. No apologia can excuse that.

With that, it is time to draw this analysis to a close. This is definitely one of the finest episodes of series one, and indeed the entire show. The acting was stellar, the dramaturgy was excellent, and <3 I live for Dean in a hoodie <3. After having watched the whole show, I appreciated the fact that an episode about Dean’s mortality actually focused on Dean and his struggles. This is a stark contrast to series 3 of the show, wherein Dean is dying but the focus is on Sam and his coming to terms with the imminent death of his brother. That is an important aspect of the story, but since Dean’s own journey was side-lined, it felt inappropriate and self-absorbed.

Next time is one of the worst episodes of the whole show, so prepare for whiplash as I write about 500 words about 1x13 Route 666 and its racist monster truck, then go straight to 1x14 Nightmare.

And in case you missed it, <3 I live for Dean in a hoodie <3 Thank you to @emotionalsupportbees for discussing this episode with me. Your insights on this episode revealing Dean's human weakness were definitely valued.

#dean winchester #spn #supernatural #jensen ackles #1x12 faith #spn 1x12 #spn rewatch #spn meta #edvard's supernatural rewatch

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yaboylevi · 4 years ago

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Shingeki no Kyojin's Ending Interview (May 2021)

Translation commissioned by @goldsword07, DO NOT REPOST in full, always include credits and a link to this post if you use or share any parts of it.

Question: Congratulations on completing Shingeki no Kyojin’s serialization! How do you feel now that you have finished writing the final chapter?

Isayama: There’s still some work left to do when it comes to putting together the final manga volume*, so I don’t actually know how a “life without deadlines" feels like yet (laughs), but by publishing the final chapter, I feel like I can finally breathe again. However, there are still several things that need to be done.

(*Translator’s note: usually, putting together a volume includes: fixing drawing mistakes, sometimes even redrawing certain scenes if the author wasn’t satisfied with how they looked/their composition, fixing text (both wording or simply changing the Japanese characters used), drawing omake/extra pages, like the High School Caste fake previews, which usually take up 2 pages, and so on. So, of the 8 extra pages he mentions below, probably only 6 at max will be used to add new original story content.)

Q: What?! What else is there to be done?

Isayama: At first, the draft for the last page of the chapter was neatly divided into 5 panels, but I was feeling quite indecisive about it. At the time, that last page was a scene of 3 people running towards a tree on a hill. After having a meeting about that with Bakku-san and my other editors, I decided on a last-minute change, and I turned it into the one that is now published in Bessatsu Shonen Magazine. The limit for each printed chapter in Bessatsu Magazine was 51 pages, but since up to 8 extra pages can be added in manga volumes, I want to finish up everything that I couldn’t draw in the printed magazine and add it in the final manga volume.

Q: As for the serialization, which spanned 11 years and a half, have there been any changes about the way you think about mangas?

Isayama: Up until recently, I had drawn as if sexism wasn’t a thing, but when drawing the Marleyan military, which was comparatively more modern, if I had added, with no explanation whatsoever, female soldiers like I did for Paradis Island, it could’ve given the impression that Marley was quite a developed nation. It would’ve felt out of place. That’s why, as long as I was drawing a story set in an era of the past, I couldn’t draw female characters as part of the top brass of the military, because it would’ve meant acting as if there was no actual history of gender discrimination at the time.

It might be a story set in a fictitious world, but if you don’t connect it in some ways to the real world, it could end up becoming a story people cannot relate to.

Q: The unraveling of events that led to the final chapter has been quite shocking. Especially when it comes to Eren…

Isayama: I have been frenetically checking any and all reactions to that. There are as many honest opinions as there are people, and they’re all correct. With how I portrayed that part, it’s not so strange that it was interpreted as if Armin accepted the massacre. My portrayal was lacking. Armin didn’t approve of the despicable measures taken by Eren, but he ended up benefiting from the mass slaughter, regardless of his intentions. Armin, who couldn’t possibly understand Eren, faced their last farewell with a firm “Thank you for becoming a mass murderer for us”, essentially conveying how he himself was also an accomplice. He wanted to feel closer to Eren, even if just a little. I realized the final stage in particular had too difficult themes, and my portrayal was inadequate. I deeply regret that I wasn’t able to fully express them in the manga proper.

I’ve been drawing this manga for 11 years and a half, and when I completed the manuscript I truly believed that “everyone will be happy with this”. I was conceited. I apologize to those who have supported me until the end but have felt let down by the ending.

Q: During these 11 years and a half of serialization, have there been any memorable events?

Isayama: I’m happy that I could deepen the relationship with my assistants, as “manga friends”. When the serialization started, everyone was in their twenties, but now some of them are married and have even become parents, and we have become close family friends.

Q: Was the manga becoming an anime a memorable moment, too?

Isayama: The anime adaptation can certainly be considered another part of Shingeki no Kyojin. Lots of people got to know this story through watching the anime. Personally, it was refreshing for me too, as I could experience the story anew. In addition to that, the characters were taken out of my hands - in a good way - by the directors and voice actors, they began moving as independent “existences”. It was a first and interesting experience.

Q: Do you have a favorite scene?

Isayama: As far as drawings go, the scene I like the most is the one in chapter 104, “Victors”, when the Jaw Titan claws at the Attack Titan. Besides the fact that I feel like I can’t draw anything better than that, there also haven’t been that many action scenes with titans after chapter 104.

Q: Well then, what about your best chapter?

Isayama: One of them is chapter 71, “Bystander”. I feel like that chapter exceeded my abilities at the time. I like the way it doesn’t feel like “Shingeki no Kyojin”, as the spotlight was on the life of a single character who isn’t involved with the original story.

Q: Chapter 69, “Friends”, also depicts some characters’ personal life.

Isayama: I like that chapter, too! At the time of drawing its draft, I flattered myself with words such as “Uh? Aren’t I so mature?!”. Normally, I would draw the main story’s continuation, but in chapters 69 and 71’s case, it felt like I was drawing stories that were complete on their own.

Q: With the start of the Marley arc in chapter 91, “The other side of the ocean”, both titans and modern times’ weapons made an appearance in battle.

Isayama: That battle scene was the time I had the most fun while drawing mangas, I was in a state of total concentration and full energy.

Q: How has Shingeki no Kyojin been for you?

Isayama: It’s as if youth has come a bit late, a third of my life has been packed into this work. …Of course, there have been hard times, too, but it’s been a chapter of my life that normally you wouldn’t be able to experience and even now I struggle to think it was real. Although I’ve been spoiled by my readers, I had planned to draw all the while accepting even harsh opinions.

Q: Finally, a message to the readers, please!

Isayama: Through Shingeki no Kyojin, I could connect with an unfathomable number of people. I’ve been happy to share this time of my life with my readers, which is something that, if I had had a normal life, I would have never experienced.

Also, now that the serialization is over, I have been freed, so I want to stroll around a small city with a can of One Cup sake in one hand. That’s what I would call freedom.

#shingeki no kyojin #isayama hajime #armin arlert #eren yeager #snk official #snk translations #vivitranslates #snk spoilers

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hughiecampbelle · 3 years ago

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omg congrats on reaching 5k followers, enna!!! you absolutely deserve each and every one of them 💕

for your shipping event, could i get shipped with a guy from deadly class?? i started rewatching it this week and i just- my heart 🥺 anyway, i’m an isfp slytherin, and i think i’m an enneagram type 6 personality?? idk i’ve had some tests tell me 4, but the last one said 6.. i guess that just means i can’t be put in a box which is good because my individuality complex wouldn’t have it any other way lol. my hobbies include accidentally leaving people on read for 3 months at a time bc i forgot to hit send, popping every joint in my body at the worst possible times, squeezing toothpaste out from the center of the tube, and ghosting guys whenever they start to catch feelings bc i prefer them to be emotionally unavailable- ok but actually, if i ever have any free time on my hands, it’ll usually be spent doing something creative, like writing or drawing. i like to skateboard, too, but i don’t know any cool tricks :/ i have the attention span of a fruit fly, which makes finding new interests really hard because if i’m not absolutely smitten within the first fifteen minutes, i move on to the next thing. when i’m in the zone, though, time doesn’t exist. i’ll be working on something for hours only to check the clock and see it’s almost dinner time and i didn’t eat lunch. i’m almost always listening to music, but i couldn’t tell you a favorite band if my life depended on it. my playlists are all over the place, but they’re based on moods and very specific themes as opposed to genres, so it’s fine- one of my favorite songs at the moment is Love Today by MIKA and i have no idea why. it just scratches an itch in my brain i guess lol. i’m really bad at math, like, embarrassingly so, which is why i’m majoring in english. most of my friends are from out of state, so i spend the majority of my time alone but i actually kinda like it. i’m one of those people that has to recharge after socializing for an extended period of time, so i have plenty of opportunities for that lol. somewhere down the line, i think i accidentally picked up a bad bitch persona like idk where she came from but it means that based on looks alone, people usually get the wrong impression of me. like, me and my friend were talking about it the other day, and while she was complaining about being mistaken for innocent all the time, i, the innocent one, always gets mistaken for being the “bad girl” for whatever reason. she said it was because i just kinda give off that vibe, whatever that means. idk i’ve had people tell me that when they first saw me, they thought i was gonna be either really mean or really cool but that it ended up being the latter so i must be doing something right. i guess that makes me the scary dog privilege of my friend group?? who knows lol i sure dont bc i overthink everything. this isn’t to say i can’t be mean when i need to be, though. calling people out on their bullshit when things get out of hand and protecting my friends from creepy men are some of my specialties, but on most days, i’m the chaotic, funny one of the friend group. i love watching horror movies for the sake of making fun of them, but i’m also scared of almost everything, so there’s a really small grey safe area in the middle where i operate. like, gore doesn’t bother me too much unless it has to do with eyeballs. and clowns?? absolutely not. they’re the reason i don’t stick my feet off the end of the bed at night, even if it’s too hot. i’m not taking any chances 😤

wow. that was a lot lol. in case you can’t tell i also ramble a lot. for your ship, i ship you with either billy bennett or hear me out.. maría salazar. i don’t know what it is, but i’m definitely getting power couple vibes there. i feel like the two of you have very different personalities, but they balance out well.

What trope are you? New Girl In Town 💕

Marcus was the new kid. Everyone knew him for that, even if they didn't really know him. He was targeted because of it, still learning the social norms and rules of Kings. He stepped on toes, and made enemies, and put a target on his own back. For a while, he was convinced that's all he'd ever be known for. Sometimes he hoped a new kid would appear so the attention could be brought on them. Other times, he was sure he never wanted anyone going through what he was now. The hazing by the Legacies, the stupid rules put in place to "protect" them, all of it was BS. As thankful as he was for a place like this, a bed and a hot shower available at all times, he was sure the place was cursed. Or at least it had been until you showed up. Out of nowhere, his eyes met a new face in the cafeteria. Yours. Headphones in, scribbling in your notebook, lunch tray pushed aside. Whether you were writing or drawing, that was as good as any guess. All that mattered was somehow you'd cracked the code to this place. Flying under the radar. Not even Viktor or Chico had taken any notice. He needed to know who you were. Maybe it was the fact that you stick to yourself, maybe he was desperate. Marcus made it his mission to get to know you.

You did not make that easy. He wasn't the most subtle person in the world. You could feel his eyes on you in the lunch room, though you chose not to give him any attention. You hoped he'd get the hint. Of course, he didn't. It seemed like he was suddenly around every corner, in every doorway you were passing through. You knew who he was of course. Gossip traveled fast here and he liked to make problems for himself. Even his friends had something to say about his sparky comments or pessimistic attitude. Normally, that kind of attention, that kind of drama would have been a turn off. There was nothing worse than someone full of themselves. Hell, maybe he was exactly like everyone said. Or, maybe he wasn't. People had a habit of coming to quick conclusions about you, most of them wrong. That made you like him a little more, though it didn't stop you from dodging him every chance you could. You had your friends, your close group who wasn't front and center for others to target. That's all you needed. As far as you were concerned, a boy in your life would only mess that up, especially one like Marcus. Sure, he was cute, but you preferred to keep them at a distance. Nice to look at, but that's all. Once they got attached it was all over.

Finally, Marcus found his chance to talk to you, though of course it wasn't the ideal situation. Not even close. Viktor and his friends not only took over the dorms, but the school. Master Lin is nowhere to be found. All of them dressed up, wearing Halloween masks. From Frankenstein to zombies, they rule the dark halls with all kinds of weapons you know they're not allowed to use on other students. Still, it doesn't stop them from scaring you. Nowhere in the rules does it say scaring isn't allowed. You, like the rest, are aimlessly trying to get to your rooms, wanting to lock the doors and hide. You know it's behind you because of course it is: an idiot in a cloen mask. You want to question why, of all the things on this planet, it had to be a clown, but there's no time. You reach for the nearest doorknob, thankful it's unlocked, and slam it in their face. You don't realize until you've opened your eyes whose room you're standing in. You seriously consider going back out there, but you can feel them waiting. It's easier to face him. Marcus is more than welcomed to wait it out with you, jamming his desk door under the handle. You don't want to, but because there's nothing else to do, you get you know one another. You ease up a little when he shows you his own drawings, talking about the indie comics he loves, the music he cares so deeply about. You have a lot more in common than you imagined. You tease him for never seeing the classic horror movies, and he can't help but admit how lame it is. Hours you wait it out, taking effortlessly to one another company. He even promises to show you a few tricks on the skateboard, once you're able to get out. You hate to admit it, even to yourself, but maybe, just maybe, he isn't so bad after all. . . .

- Leela!!!! 1.) We are Major besties!!! English Mahors are superior no one will ever change my mind abt that ever :P 2.) Ahhh I hope you like it!!!! I really had to stop myself because ya'll would be so cute, I could write a book!!!! Don't mind me, I will be *sobbing* over both Billy and Maria!!! Omg she's gorgeous??? And perfect??? And me with her??? I'm head over heels in love!!!!! Thank you!!!!!! Xoxoxo 💜💖💜💖💜💖

#jammesbarnnes-ships #marcus lopez #ships are open!

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happymetalgirl · 4 years ago

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October 2020

Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed

I wrote a full-length review of this disaster of an album earlier in the month, and yeah, wow. Between the phoned-in performances from the instrumentalists who have proven themselves far above this joke of a band and the half-assed production this would have been a pretty crappy album even without Chris Barnes’ milk-aged vocals. But he’s here, and he’s managed to actually get worse too, gasping his way through the whole album and littering it with these ludicrous “high” squeals that would make Smeagol sound like a more competent death metal vocalist. It’s the worst thing I’ve heard all year, and what’s worse, I don’t think Six Feet Under is stopping.

1/10

With that out of the way, let’s cleanse the pallet right away with some really good shit.

Greg Puciato - Child Soldier: Creator of God

Ever reliable in his artistically integrity, explosive former Dillinger Escape Plan frontman, Greg Puciato, has been pretty sonically and artistically adventurous since the honorable dissolution of the iconic mathcore outfit, his most notable music project being the ethereal, synth-heavy The Black Queen. This year, however, Puciato has gone fully solo for a full-length project, and something told me to get ready for a wild ride, and boy was I right on that hunch. Borne out of an exponentiated process of songwriting that produced songs Puciato deemed unfitting for any of his current projects, what was planned as a small release to ship these songs out of the writing room eventually spiraled into a full-blown debut solo album clocking in at over an hour. A lot of solo projects play like clearly indulgent amateur hour sessions from an artist whose ego has been boosted pretty well from significant success from their main project, leading them to overconfidently try their hand at music they have no business trying it at. And it’s often approached under the understanding that it is a victory lap, more or less, and a satisfaction of creative impulses for the sake of it. Sometimes the resultant material is clearly inspired and showcases a side of an artist that certainly deserves some spotlight. Other times it feels like being trapped in an awkward situation with an acquaintance where they just show you all their newest pedals and production software and you’re just stuck there watching them fiddle around while you nod along and offer the occasional “wow, that’s pretty crazy” every now and then while they don’t pick up on the obvious cues that you are just waiting for them to finish playing with their toys. While Puciato was open about this album being borne from the very creatively borderless mindset that so often damns solo projects, Child Soldier: Creator of God is an actual realization of the type of grand, genre-spanning album that so many solo artists envision themselves making and set out to create, and it’s hardly a whimsical, amateurish crack at the styles within either. Puciato’s foray into sludge metal, industrial rock, harsh noise, darkwave, synthwave, and shoegaze, (1) makes for a hell of a dynamic and exciting track list, and (2) shows a much deeper than average respect for and relationship with the styles being played here. This isn’t some frontman thinking his charisma can carry him through a whole rap solo album; this is a well-rounded artist (also a hell of a frontman, no denying that) giving the most comprehensive look yet into his creative mind. The album leaps around in patches of different styles, strung together mostly by ambient connective tissue of various types, all with a great attention to detail paid to both texture and progression. We get early patches of smooth ambiance, but also aggressive industrial and sludge metal, eventually moving to more soothing and meditative synthy stuff around the middle, finishing with some serene, Have a Nice Life-esque shoegaze. But really there’s no way to sum up this album stylistically without breaking down every single song on here, and that would just ruin the fun and the experience. You really just have to experience it for yourself.

9/10

DevilDriver - Dealing with Demons I

Embarking on a conceptual double-album, Dez Fafara and DevilDriver’s first installment in the pair is a scoop of the, indeed, slightly above average, but unfortunately still plain and predictable modern groove metal they always offer up. I’ll give the band credit for keeping the pace up and clearly putting substantial energy into the performances on this album, while also trying to squeeze in a few shake-ups to their sound, like the clear Gojira-inspired riffage on the opening track. The album loses steam, unfortunately, as its punches lose their impact as it goes on.

6/10

Anaal Nathrakh - Endarkenment

While certainly cultivating a unique sound, Anaal Nathrakh’s unholy fusion of nasty modern blackened grindcore with sweeter metalcore and melodic death metal elements has its mixed results. And while that might at first sound like a relatively critical assessment of the Brits’ eleventh album, I’d say that there is actually a lot to enjoy and take in for at least the interesting mix of styles, most of which are hits rather than misses as well.

7/10

Enslaved - Utgard

Having been a fan of a good amount of their recent output, especially 2015’s In Times, I came out of Utgard moderately disappointed with how infrequently Enslaved galvanized their potent brand of Viking folky, progressive black metal effectively; the few moments the band do channel their strengths cohesively and purposefully left me wanting more rather than savoring those moments.

6/10

In Cauda Venenum - G.O.H.E.

It’s hard to, and indeed seems kind of in just to, sum up a heaping prog metal serving like G.O.H.E., comprised of two 22-minute halves, in a capsule review, but that is kind of the format my current busy circumstances have forced me into. French outfit In Cauda Venenum made a self-titled debut in similar two-long-track fashion back in 2015, and the band’s gothic and somewhat theatrical brand of atmospheric post-black-metal is continued on their sophomore effort here, drawing the obvious comparisons to Opeth and Katatonia, as well as Der Weg Einer Freiheit, Numenorean, and Sólstafir, and apart from the more frequent sample usage and extra drawn-out songs, there really isn’t that much to differentiate In Cauda Venenum stylistically. The band’s second album, unfortunately, resembles so many others in the field with big aspirations and the same inadequate means of getting there.

5/10

Apparition - Granular Transformation

A much more bite-sized early two-track offering, Apparition’s debut EP offers a more promising glimpse into a heady, atmospheric, yet still visceral manipulation of modern death metal that I would be curious to hear in a more long-form format. In a genre as extreme as death metal in recent years has been, finding artists effective at working with negative space can be difficult, but the two songs on Granular Transformation showcase a formidable dexterity from Apparition that I think can take them places.

6/10

Molasses - Through the Hollow

While indeed marred by some rough performances on songs with sometimes more desert to cross than water to make it there, there’s an undeniable occult hypnotism about the Dio-era-esque doom metal hollow that Molasses ritualize their way through.

7/10

Death Angel - Under Pressure

While certainly an odd choice on the surface, Death Angel’s acoustic EP and cover of the famous Queen song actually comes out pretty alright. The acoustic version of Act III’s “A Room with a View” comes off with the energy of something like Rush whenever they went acoustic, and the original acoustic cut, “Faded Remains” isn’t too bad either. The acoustic format did not, however, mask the drabness of “Revelation Song” from last year’s overall disappointment, Humanicide.

6/10

Necrophobic - Dawn of the Damned

The Swedes’ melodic brand of blackened death metal is nothing if not thorough on the quintet’s ninth full-length, Dawn of the Damned, covering all the ground that their fans expect their style to cover and doing so with more compositional and performative stamina than their average contemporary. While the band’s broader compositional approach is akin to the beating of a dead horse, I can’t deny it produces some tasty motifs in the process.

7/10

Bloodbather - Silence

After coming onto the blossoming metallic hardcore scene in 2018 with a standard, but potent enough 14-minute EP, Pressure, Bloodbather are back with another 14 minutes of similar, yet less promising material, doing little to set themselves apart from or on the same level of the likes of Jesus Piece, Vein, Knocked Loose, or Harm’s Way.

5/10

Infera Bruo - Rites of the Nameless

The Bostonians’ fourth full-length is, at the very least, a rather well-executed forty minutes of modern black metal a la Craft or Watain, but beneath the seams the band’s progressive tendencies twist what would otherwise be a fresh, but standard, slab of black metal into a more head-turning offering of the usual shrieks and blast beats.

7/10

Touché Amoré - Lament

While somewhat shaky in their compositional exploration in their fifth LP, the firmness of their emotive post-hardcore foundation allows for Touché Amoré to build upwards relatively steadily without losing that raw vulnerability that has made them so captivating to begin with.

7/10

Gargoyl - Gargoyl

This is the self-titled debut from Bostonian four-piece Gargoyl; a novel blend of dirty nineties grunge and gothic prog metal, Gargoyl come through with one of the more impressive genre fusions of the year, meeting the lofty sufficiency for dexterity with excessive vocal harmonies in a manner so uncanny that would make habe to Layne Stayley proud. While there is the expected room for improvement on the compositional end that many debut projects come with, Gargoyl have laid the groundwork for themselves fantastically and started off on a good foot.

7/10

Crippled Black Phoenix - Ellengæst

Through creative gothic flair and full-bodied guest vocal contributions that bolster the somber atmosphere beyond the typical post-metal album, the UK band’s most recent offering of “endtime ballads”, despite its few low points that undo its otherwise immersive atmosphere, serves as one of the more engaging releases under the broader post-metal umbrella of the past year.

7/10

Wayfarer - A Romance with Violence

The Denver-based quartet follow up 2018’s strong emotive case for the potential for evoking cathartic power of the atmospheric black metal which has so saturated the American scene to the point of numbness, their Americana-tinged third LP, World’s Blood, unfortunately, with a fourth LP whose compositional homogeneity and mere few intermittent bursts of enthralling atmospheric instrumentation more represent, rather than advocate the merit of, the saturation of the American atmospheric black metal scene.

6/10

Armored Saint - Punching the Sky

Though I think the structural homogeneity and John Bush’s similarly limited vocal delivery holds it back, with crunchy bangers like “Do Wrong to None” and “My Jurisdiction” alongside more tempered tracks the clearly grunge-influenced “Lone Wolf”, Bush and company provide a relatively stylistically diverse traditional heavy metal album for an age that could use more contemporary representation of classic styles (beyond the entire stoner metal genre LARPing as Black Sabbath too).

7/10

Spirit Adrift - Enlightened in Eternity

But it's not just the old guard representing their era of classic heavy metal robustly; a year and a half after their energetically melodic third album, Divided by Darkness, which took a triumphant melodic approach to classic heavy metal and doom metal similar to that of Khemmis on their excellent third album, Spirit Adrift ease up a bit on the hyper-soulful approach to guitar melody that had led me (and others I'm sure) to draw the comparison to Khemmis, and instead dive deeper into the headspace of the genre's earliest progenitors to achieve that unabashedly glorious rallying cry that is evoked by the very front cover of Enlightened in Eternity. While I am personally pretty partial to the very vulnerable and heartfelt melodic approach that characterized Divided by Darkness, the effectiveness with which Spirit Adrift are able to wield the sometimes Maiden-esque, sometimes Testament-esque sounds of the 80’s on this album is undeniably impressive.

8/10

Fever 333 - Wrong Generation

Providing the correction to this generation’s answer to Rage Against the Machine (after Prophets of Rage’s insufficient attempted revival) Fever 333 follow up last year’s debut of heavy, fired-up and modern take on rapcore with another 14 minutes of righteous anti-racist hardcore anger that’s attuned to the issues to a level that I wish more artists would at least express in their art. While the EP is 18 minutes long, the last two songs, “The Last Time” and “Supremacy”, don’t match the sonic energy of the first six tracks. The somber piano-led snippet-length ballad, “The Last Time”, should have been the conclusion of the album, but the closing track, “Supremacy”, while as conscious as the tracks before it, is basically a late-stage formulaic Linkin Park track that flatters neither of the two bands. Despite botching the landing though, Wrong Generation is a ripping batch of songs that well represent the current unrest and provide a positive hypothetical idea of what it might be like if Rage Against the Machine were in their prime and active today.

7/10

Mörk Gryning - Hinsides Vrede

The Swedes return from their 15-year disillusioned absence from the studio with a concise and clearly renewed enthusiasm for the energetic black metal that they put forth on Hinsides Vrede. Dynamically bolstered by folk-metal compositional tendencies and more than a dash of that famed Gothenburg melodicism (I know they’re from Stockholm and in fact their melodic approach often does heaven to that of their close neighbors from Uppsala, Watain), Mörk Gryning’s seamless return to music finds them jumping into the modern black metal scene’s advanced compositional rubric with relative ease.

7/10

Zeal & Ardor - Wake of a Nation

Having covered their output since their debut and being a big fan of Manuel Gagneux’ project, it pains me to say, especially given the noble pretext and occasional momentary flashes of sobering messaging, that this six-song mini release really doesn’t capture the unique sonic pallet that has made Zeal & Ardor such an interesting act to listen to for the past few years in the most flattering light. The title track is possibly the least of the offenders here, but all the songs here function by taking a little snippet of sound that samples Zeal & Ardor’s broader stylistic range, and drawing it out across these short, but all too minimally composed tracks in such a way that they lose their momentum very quickly. Like I said, I wholeheartedly appreciate, sympathize with, and support what Manuel Gagneux is doing to lend his band’s platform to the addressing of the dire issue of today’s racism through musical means with this project, and when its social motivation is at the forefront, it’s at its most potent, but musically, unfortunately, it’s just desperately underwritten in a way that doesn’t fairly represent how accomplished Zeal & Ardor really are with their sound.

5/10

Sevendust - Blood & Stone

The flashes of crushing grooves reminiscent of their earlier work on Blood & Stone that highlight how well Sevendust can harness nu/alternative metal to execute pummeling attacks with the right crunchy guitar tone, unfortunately, don’t come frequently enough on their twelfth LP to mirage the exhaustion that has come of the band’s writing process after such frequent, unrelenting output and the all too apparent desperate need for a recalibrating, refreshing break, which they certainly deserve for their tenacity.

5/10

Undeath - Lesions of a Different Kind

In one of those cases where the ridiculously gratuitous album cover actually represents the album’s sound quite well, Rochester, New York five-piece, Undeath mince neither words nor sounds on their debut LP in their 100% upfront, no-nonsense, and wonderfully nasty delivery of death metal. Eschewing even the slightest sense of snobbery or pretense for aimless ambition, the band simply compile the genre’s tried and true elements of bellowing growls, filthy riffs, mean-ass down-tuned chugging, and blood-pumping double-bass with blast beats into an addictive slab of raw, uncured death metal that serves as a testament to the merit of not overthinking shit.

8/10

Griffon - Ὸ Θεός Ὸ Βασιλεύς

On their sophomore LP, Parisian quintet Griffon channel the world innovative ethos that has become rather prominent in their scene into a somewhat short, but definitely sweet offering of modestly ambitious black metal that captures much more effectively than most albums of similar style and lesser imagination, the divine grandeur that the genre so often tries and fails to embody.

8/10

Bring Me the Horizon - Post-Human: Survival Horror

After taking the hard left into current pop music trends very transparently on their controversial, which was at least partially intentional on their part, and ultimately really patchy, but not wholly awful, 2019 album, amo, Oli Sykes and co. walk it back substantially for this smaller release here, back to That's the Spirit, even Sempiternal, a prospect that might get a lot of the band's more long-time, metalcore-centric fans excited, but I would suggest those fans temper their expectations of Post-Human: Survival Horror. The band reunite with the anthemic metalcore/deathcore that put them on the map for a good chunk of this album, and the intro track, "Dear Diary,", might even give some false hope of the prodigal sons returning home. But songs like the cookie-cutter single, "Teardrops", provide strong evidence that, while the band have re-embraced their old aesthetic, they have not kicked the pop vocal or compositional habits. And the project really does run out of energy in its final third because of this compositional homogeneity. I do want to highlight the song, "Kingslayer", which features a very in-form Babymetal (I loved their album last year), because their fun, not-so-serious approach to the crossing of J-pop and metal music in their feature on this track among the other songs around it provides a contrast to the more formulaic, disinterested radio pop swagger that Bring Me the Horizon have been trying to jam into their sound that could perhaps inform Bring Me the Horizon's artistic approach to integrating pop music if they really are so hellbent on doing so. Ultimately though, as much as they want to move into newer territory, this trajectory-revising release shows just how much more solid Bring Me the Horizon are in their metalcore territory than they were on amo. It had its predictable hiccups, but this thing wasn't too bad.

7/10

Pallbearer - Forgotten Days

With the slow, sludgy, down-tuned riffing of the menacing opening title track and the similar chug of “Vengeance & Ruination” being the sole exceptions, the remainder of Pallbearer’s fouth full-length largely sees them operating in the same niche they have in their three previous albums. And while this could invoke accusations of playing it safe, the brimming heartfelt sorrow and resistance to succumbing to despair across Forgotten Days is enough to wave that away, as Pallbearer showcase just how emotive doom metal can be.

8/10

Bleeding Out - Lifelong Death Fantasy

The very new act and fresh Profound Lore signing, Bleeding Out, certainly display more dynamic capability than your average local grindcore scene’s biggest names here on their 18-minute debut for the label, but as of now it is still just a glimpse of potential for more effective future implementation. It’s a good start, though, and I’ll be looking forward to a more long-form project from these guys.

6/10

Evildead - United States of Anarchy

Every year we get the resurrection of some long-inactive old-school band who seem to have found that missing spark at last; we’ve seen the return of smaller bands to the studio like Angel Witch or Sorcerer and long-awaited revivals of iconic acts like Possessed. This year, Los Angeles’ Evildead has seen fit to make their commentary on the massive ongoing sociopolitical upheaval. Despite my love for the 80’s thrash scene they were born out of, the combination of the utterly lame band name, logo, and covers for either their ‘89 or ‘91 albums never really made me want to check them out, but seeing the horridly cheesy and incoherent cover of United States of Anarchy (I mean how much more on-the-nose can you get), my morbid curiosity got the best of me. Maybe I’d be wrong to have judged them by their cover, plenty of my favorite 80’s albums have particularly goofy cover art. So what do we get from Evildead in 2020 with this fucking album? Well, it’s not as poorly performed as the past few Anvil albums I’ve had to review have been, but Jesus the lyricism is similarly cheesy 5th-grade-level stuff and smacks of silly political incoherence that essentially boils down to “enlightened centrism” with mix of that good ol’ Illuminati-conspiracy-theory belief that no political thrash album is apparently complete without. I mean there’s just basic acknowledgment of the prominent problems of the day and the fact that both major political parties are bad and that corruption is rampant all throughout DC, but Evildead not only barely scratch the surface, they apply the same level cynicism to the “both sides” they criticize with no substantiation to their criticism despite that mindset being a big reason for our being where we are right now, mixed in with the occasional conspiracy-paranoia about the shadowy underworld running everything, so no real solutions or even proper addressing of these problems. Like, the same level of criticism is levied at right-wingers and communists, like communists are at all why this country has gone to shit. And the generic Anthrax/Megadeth type of thrash instrumentation, while rumbly and mixed well to highlight its bass heaviness, doesn’t exactly make it easy to get past the commentary deficiencies on here.

4/10

Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou - May Our Chambers Be Full

Rounding off their year (at least I think), with a long-teased collaboration with Emma Ruth Rundle, Thou finally present their massive sludge-doom sound in a much more flattering light than the previous cover albums this year did. Thou's original material continues to highlight just why their relatively stiff sound is much more cut out for that, original material, than for trying to bend beyond its flexibility to tribute grunge songs. And while Thou being back in their more effective department, Emma Ruth Rundle's contributions, beyond just her gorgeous and ethereally haunting vocals, to the album's atmosphere, dynamic, and structuring really take the collaboration to the next level. Not to say that Thou are completely overshadowed and relegated to the background on this record or that they don't contribute to a fair share of the legwork here; the workload is shared pretty equally, and both collaborators have their moments of prominence, but Emma Ruth Rundle's ever-present gothic/folky influence really directs the music in a way that plays to Thou's strengths in a way I'm not sure they would have been able to on their own. It's great work from both of them, and I'd be eager to hear Thou find more collaborations like this in the future that push them into doing more interesting things with their crushing doom sound, as opposed to the rather tepid collaborations with The Body.

8/10

Auðn - Vökudraumsins Fangi

Sadly, three albums in, Auðn have only barely exceeded the bare minimum for naturalistic atmospheric black metal, with no signs of significant improvement to be found. The Icelandic band earn points for their earnest delivery, but they never seem to fully make it out of the rut that the genre’s many contemporary acts have dug.

5/10

Botanist - Photosynthesis

The black metal traditionalists might have had to accept that the floodgates to bright ambience and serene shoegaze in the genre have been opened and that there's no going back now, but even as an avid Deafheaven fan, I'm sometimes momentarily surprised at just how heavenly some black metal has gotten lately, and this new album from Botanist is one of those albums. And while it sometimes slips into some of the current wave's typical ruts, the sheer blindingly illuminating aura of this album when it reaches those high points (and it does so frequently) is enough to pull it out from those gutters and high into the cosmos. Yeah, another splendid offering of nature worship from Botanist.

8/10

Mr. Bungle - The Raging Wrath of the Easter Bunny Demo

Making their return after over a decade, Mike Patton recruits both Dave Lombardo and Scott Ian for the long-awaited fourth Mr. Bungle album, which is titled in homage to the first Mr. Bungle demo which it is comprised largely of much clearer re-recordings of. Ever impressive, Mike Patton balances aggression and eccentricity like a tightrope walker on this project too, while his bandmates do the same with thrash metal’s natural adrenaline rush while pushing the genre into new compositional and stylistic territory without sacrificing that crucial whiplash. It’s a great time, and definitely one of the year’s best thrash albums.

8/10

Carcass - Despicable

While they've been much less prolific since their reboot than they were prior, Liverpool's melodic death metal pioneers simply continue to demonstrate their excellence in this seemingly effortless four-track appetizer to next year's Torn Arteries. Anyone familiar with the band's brutal form of melodic death metal will certainly be pleased with the four quite sufficiently pulverizing cuts here; those who may only be familiar with some of the band's many less muscular imitators might be surprised, and pleasantly so, with the Englanders' ability to lay on the infectious guitar melody without sacrificing an ounce of force.

8/10

#metal #heavy metal #death metal #black metal #deathcore #sludge metal #post metal #new album #album review #new music #thrash metal #blackened death metal #blackgaze #experimental metal #mathcore #doom metal #stoner metal #groove metal

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radiofreeyurick · 3 years ago

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Thus The Man Continues to Fall

By Nick Yurick

20 years after the tragedy that shaped a generation now haunted by final days of the War that was spurred by it, and newly bereft of so many previously held sentiments, causes, or beliefs that felt so vital and true on that day, for many, all that remains is The Falling Man

Any adolescent on the verge of social awareness has to feel it coming. Though some may only be students of history out of obligation at that age, rather than genuine interest or concern, the patterns and shifts begin to take on palpable rhythms of causes and effects, ebbs and flows, and calms preceding storms. The moment when the News becomes a Documentary, replete with imagined underscoring, slow motion, and a dramatic voiceover. The moment when Life becomes History.

At 14 years of age I was already an aspiring multihyphenate. actor, artist, musician, perhaps educator, and on that day, and at this moment it seems, a journalist. Thus it remains a fitting coincidence that for me, Life became History when I was in second period school newspaper class. Much as my grandparents and parents had told me over the years of their “where were you” moments in experiencing the Bombing of Pearl Harbor and the Assassination of John F. Kennedy, mine took place as I struggled to upload photos of the first day of school from an already outdated late ‘90s digital camera. It is perhaps for this reason that, though my life and work since have spanned multiple fields and environments, from stage to screen to the classroom, it is still through the mind of a journalist that I revisit this day every year. Be it with my continued work as a student journalist in the years immediately following or later as one of millions of social media pundits in the years to come, I have felt compelled to revisit the facts of why and how every year. But as the History we’ve lived the past 20 years continues to make those answers more and more evasive, my fascination, and that of many others, has shifted to the actions of a different, and more functional, camera a thousand miles away. The camera held by a Pulitzer Prize winning Associated Press photographer named Richard Drew as he captured The Falling Man.

It is here that I must humble myself a bit, being well aware that the undying fascination with the image of this lone inverted figure has only increased in recent years. In a sardonic act of self-awareness I could just as well title this essay, “This 9/11, if You Read One Unqualified Take on ‘The Falling Man,’ Make it THIS one.” Day to day I am but one of millions who fight for stage and screen time, clicks, words, and any vague measure of digital real estate before taking a break to get back to my woodworking hobby. Thus I only ask that you read on with the knowledge that the History being lived by a 34 year old armchair philosopher as he chain smokes at his Chromebook is as real as the History being lived by the septuagenarian widower in the Oval Office. As it relates to The Falling Man though, for myself and many like me, today The Falling Man is all that remains of that day.

-Trajectories and Arrival Points

In analyzing any historical event, we are drawn to examine it in terms of the trajectory it puts us on and arrival point it leads us to. These consequences often take the forms of calls to action, causes to be taken up, or revelations about American society of the day. In any case, they tell us why the world we fell asleep in that evening, or that many didn’t live to, was different from the world in which we had awakened that morning. Pearl Harbor placed us on the trajectory of entering World War II, drawing the United States and its Allies into a global conflict of unprecedented scale and accelerating the end of the Great Depression, with the arrival point of the Nation’s emergence as a global leader and the establishment of “The American Dream” in the form of a higher standard of living than was previously accessible to many. The Assassination of John F. Kennedy placed us on the trajectory of increased escalation in Vietnam, leading to a new era of social unrest and mistrust in our institutions. Simultaneously the inspiration to carry forth what was considered the late President’s unfinished work, gave birth to heightened social activism and significant leaps forward in Civil Rights and Women’s Rights. This was largely seen through to the arrival points of our withdrawal from Vietnam, the Resignation of Nixon, and the dawn of “Morning in America” with the election of Ronald Reagan in 1980. Although every single historical event echoes eternally, in American Society we are accustomed to some feeling of victory or at least reprieve, as if the demons that emerged from these national tragedies have been temporarily vanquished in our day to day lives while we lick our collective finger to gingerly turn the page on the next chapter.

-The Curtain

It is, at this very moment, 12:26 PM on September the 7, 2021. It occurs to me that to write with such perceived urgency about another September Tuesday a score of years prior will hopefully become as passe and bland as any of the seemingly newfound conspiracies on Kennedy’s Assassination have now become. Yet I continue to do so, because as of now, the aforementioned page has yet to turn. In the previously mentioned epochs, though there were plenty who still saw through the folly of the “American Dream” and the falsehood of “Morning in America,” even an equitable specter to those has yet to emerge. The Election of Barack Obama seemed a fitting placeholder in 2008, but the quick return to the frustrations of petty political gridlock coupled with the now pyrrhic victory we found in the final defeat of Osama bin Laden, made immediately clear that this generation would be visited by no such specter. This absence may on the surface seem a failure on the part of the current proverbial page turners to do so, but is also a result of our increasingly short attention spans having already written so many of the remaining pages that there is no consensus on Which page we may now turn to, but only the widespread certainty that we can’t. Because one thing we have so much more of than those preceding generations, be it the Boomers post Pearl Harbor or the X-ers post Kennedy, is an inescapable curiosity about what may be written on them and more importantly a will to read it. Or in stronger terms, this generation now carries the burden of knowing that which may be on those pages could prove our only salvation, as none other has made itself apparent. Thus if historical events can be seen in terms of a curtain being pulled back and then drawn again while the stage is reset, now the curtain has gone up in flames.

This so-called Curtain can come in the form of where we as a society now place our faith, or more specifically, what entity we trust to lead us to the aforementioned arrival point. With most national tragedies our instinct is to place our trust in our leaders, imploring them to step up when our faith in our own security has crumbled. Alhough with 9/11 we became quickly aware that we lacked an FDR to guide us through the darkness through Fireside Chats, we still entertained the notion that we were to have some faith in the very idea of Leadership itself, however personally distasteful or incompetent we found that Leader to be. By 2004 however, the leadership of George W. Bush had not only failed to bring us a perceptible victory in our immediate cause in Afghanistan, but had begun an entirely new sideshow in Iraq the previous year. This was the beginning of what has fittingly been referred to as “The Forever War,” where battles are not simply initiated by belligerents and ended by victors, but fought on eternally, perverting the traditional goal of final victory as we previously knew it. And if there is an end, it will likely be celebrated by none, if any, who were present when it began. This Forever War began to be seen as such during the Presidency of Barack Obama. While a controversial election in 2000 had already lead many of my generation to view the failed leadership of his predecessor Bush as a clerical error of sorts, we also blamed the misfortune of Our Generation’s Moment having taken place before we had come of age to elect Our Generation’s President. And yet the Page remained unturned. The aforementioned killing of Osama bin Laden did little to quell the Forever War, and domestically we were afforded mere scraps in the form of slightly more accessible healthcare for the few capable of navigating a bureaucratic system now more inconsistent and Byzantine than ever. Meanwhile societal issues such as racial equity and LGBT+ rights only achieved progress as a result of the larger culture elevating them to the status of the baseline right thing to do, but only when it saw fit. All of that being the case, 2016 arrived with an all too ideal stage set for the rise of Donald Trump, or more fittingly the fall of Leadership and the sheer laughibility that it ever represented a concept worthy of a generation’s trust. Even with Trump’s replacement by Joe Biden after the bitterly contested 2020 election, the ensuing Insurrection of January 6, 2021 cemented the new reality: there is now no such thing as Leadership, but only who You choose to believe.

Thus the Man continues to Fall…

-The Meaning of We

Two months prior to this writing, our nation celebrated the 245th year of its independence with the usual bombast we’ve become accustomed to. However each year for many the “bombs bursting in air” referred to in song seem to ring more and more hollow, as does the song itself. The hollowness of these verses seems a far cry from the days of ubiquitous flag waving and the shared sense of national pride we experienced twenty years ago. An outside force having done our country such grievous harm, we were called upon to show that world that We, the victims, truly represented the way of right and justice, while They, the aggressors, were but barbarous heathens, lashing out against the world’s brightest beacon of Freedom. We sought to show that our National identity embodied the supreme ideal of the civilized and just world we should aspire to, and that our way of life, the American Way, was anathema to the ways of those who employed violence and terror as a means to achieve their interests. This has long been what we’ve been taught to believe of our Nation, especially when such destruction has been brought to our shores, as if to say, “We are not like them, We would never do this. We are America, and to be American is to be on the side of Good.” Alas, as the Curtain’s smoldering remnants now hang in tatters, through the lazily wafting smoke we have seen America’s failings writ large in the ashes. Not only those we would previously chalk up to “a different time,” or “another generation,” but those being carried out as we speak. Thus Patriotism, as a concept defined by a faith in the unfailing virtue of one’s country, has experienced a superficial rebirth in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, only to be followed by a slow death in the years since.

It is here that we must revisit those previously mentioned pages in our History which we failed to turn, those unread or forgotten chapters that may not have fit into the collective identity that we wished to cultivate. For the History we once read was often presented to us as in a sanitized narrative, compiled as a companion piece to the definition of Patriotism we were compelled to accept. The heroic vision we once held of America during World War II, as saviors from unprecedented evils on either side of the globe, has now been graffitied over in these pages with stories of her persecution and internment of Japanese-Americans, an injustice not even acknowledged for nearly fifty years after. On other pages, the names of millions of European Jews who were turned away from our shores early in the war, many to their deaths, are now scrawled hastily in desperation, as though hoping that someone, in some distant year, may someday bear witness and validate their humanity as our country, and even one of our most venerated Leaders personally, failed to in their lifetimes. Even still, the pages following the war, heralding the establishment of the American Dream, now contain detailed revelations of redlining, “white flight,” and the practices that excluded People of Color from being included in the idyllic America we were thought to have achieved during this period.

Indeed this alternate chapter continues through the 1960s and to this day, where the America that was thought to have humbly shown remorse and emerged as a global leader in Civil Rights, redressing the atrocities of Slavery and Jim Crow, is seen to have done so with the upmost reluctance. This America instead sought to bolster its image by now phasing out more blatant forms of discrimination in favor of practices more pervasive and insidious. Wage discrimation served to keep People of Color impoverished and desperate, effectively prohibiting them from moving to areas with better access to education and opportunities. With limited access to education, cycles of generational poverty continued this trend. In the face of poverty, those suffering were often forced to turn to the drug trade or other forms of criminal enterprise as a means of achieving even a glimmer of the prosperity that was supposed to define this chapter in American History or even to sustain the very lives of themselves and their families. And when “Morning in America” dawned in the 1980s, also did the rise of the “War on Drugs,” which further criminalized and demonized the only means of income that many already living in poverty had at their disposal. Meanwhile the introduction of crack cocaine to the inner cities provided a more abundant and addictive product to target, leading to harsher prison sentences for those peddling the substance and more debilitated addicts left in its wake.

But America watched as First Lady Nancy Reagan appeared on television's most popular sitcom of the day, Diff’rent Strokes. In the Very Special episode, Mrs. Reagan’s obliviously grandmotherly voice comforted the precocious and diminutive young protagonist Arnold, an African-American child of the same poverty the American Dream shunned, now in the care of a wealthy white benefactor (and played by Gary Coleman who himself later symbolized an exploitative and predatory entertainment industry), along along with millions of other wayward youths at risk of falling victim to the ongoing drug epidemic, ironically fueled and enabled by the same America that created it. Arnold, and any of those watching could always, “Just Say No.” As though it were a choice. As though any of it were ever a choice. As though choice wouldn’t soon prove to be as illusory as the American Dream was to so many others who experienced naught but cold dark nights during “Morning in America.” As though the concept of choice wouldn’t also be blamed for the plight of LGBTQ+ Americans whose lives were destroyed by the AIDS epidemic that was stigmatized and swept under the rug by this same administration during this period.

In the past twenty years, these undercurrents that eroded the notion of Patriotism in the fifty years prior now flow freely on the surface. Though these preceding chapters, ones that told of these racial, economic, and cultural struggles, were written on scraps of hotel paper or the backs of envelopes by those who lived them, now these stories grab headlines. Headlines that reveal now more than ever the long held role of the police in maintaining these systems of oppression, as well as the consistent biases ingrained in them against the communities they were sworn to protect. Though the Patriotism that flared so brightly after 9/11 was accompanied by an increased reverence toward law enforcement officers, many having lost their lives in those towers, the ensuing decades revealed their institution’s role in excluding so many from the justice and civility our Patriotic ideal was supposed to stand for, instead embroiling them in lives lived in terror from the violence the country was supposed to stand against. So now the iconic waving flag of stars and stripes turns on its side, as the stars fade and the stripes turn to the vertical walls of the doomed Twin Towers, split by one helpless, inverted figure.

Thus the Man continues to Fall…

-Truth, War, and the War on Truth

Last night as I readied myself for bed, I opened the News app on my iPhone one last time before turning in. Though my at times masochistic addiction to the news cycle had been in a remission of sorts after the emotional burnout of a pandemic filled year, it has experienced a brief relapse of late. I sometimes view it as a quest for positivity, a search for hope, and some indication, any indication, that things are getting better, but more often it’s simply to make sure I haven’t missed the last bad thing to have happened. Indeed such an addiction is far more possible now as the news is more accessible than ever. I’ve often thought that my generation’s predilection for ‘90s nostalgia wasn’t a mere longing for our childhood or for a pre-9/11 America, but a wish to return to a time when escaping the often horrific barrage of news stories was as simple as tossing a newspaper into the recycling bin or switching off the TV. But with more and more of our very existence taking place online, the news has become inextricably intertwined with it to the point that to disconnect would risk severing our ties with our work, our activities and our socialization. Perhaps too this nostalgia is linked to a time when the news by and large represented the truth, or at least the basic facts of the day. Though valid criticisms of media biases have long existed, widespread disdain for factual storytelling is at an all time high and consensus on any voice, even one voice, we can trust is nonexistent. My generation will likely be the last to even remember a reliably comforting presence like Peter Jennings reporting the events of 9/11, or our parents’ memories or Walter Cronkite tearfully informed us of the killing of Kennedy, or the multitude of trusted local radio announcers tasked with delivering the tragic news that broke on December 7, 1941. Much like the idea of Leadership, loss of faith in The Truth is another backdrop against which the Man continues to Fall…

What struck me though about the news story that appeared on the smudged touch screen of my iPhone yesterday evening was its similarity to one that may have appeared next to a coffee stained newspaper on our kitchen table any morning before I departed for 4th grade in 1996. Further, I tell you this was never where and when anyone who had lived through the past twenty-five years would still expect to see the headline: “Taliban Whip Women Protesting Interim Government.” This is what losing a War looks like.

It is for good reason that the Second World War has been referred to as “America’s Last Good War,” and that the War in Vietnam led to an all around loss of faith in war itself as an instrument of foreign policy and a means of progressing our causes. And with America’s participation in War taking on the form of quick and focused operations, isolated police actions, and distantly coordinated air strikes since then, the large scale mobilization against Afghanistan in the Fall of 2001 (rumored at the time to be leading to Congress’s first formal Declaration of War since 1941) cheered by vengeance seeking Patriots, perhaps now to be the Last Patriots, was equally as necessary and noble in beginning what was sure to become known as “America’s First Good War of the 21st Century?” For when, albeit not for ten years, American forces finally decimated Al Qaeda and killed Osama bin Laden, did America not cheer and celebrate throughout her streets, no doubt inspiring many a tear to trickle down the withered cheeks of those who recalled witnessing such on VJ Day in their much younger years, now assured safety in their homeland? For surely a further ten years mired in the unforgiving deserts and treacherous hillsides of the region, as thousands more of our soldiers shed their blood upon the land and return dismembered, traumatized, or not at all, surely that gained our country some unheralded boon to our interests, any strategic advantage, or the meanest notion of progress in the lives of our citizens or more importantly the people whose country we occupied for two decades? Why then, does America’s last plane departing from Kabul Airport nearly a score of years after the first of hers rained bombs not so far from it, instead truly feel like the final Fall of our long dying faith in War itself?

Because when I read a headline from Afghanistan last night, in high definition through the tired eyes of a young man feeling far older than he had earned any right to, and it remained (even after 20 years of frantically advancing and retreating soldiers, deafening blasts from bombs and improvised explosives, and so much more sanguine blood streaming from wounded flesh of all the colors of the world) so dissimilar from one that would have flashed onto a comparatively fuzzy television screen to meet the cheery eyes of an enthusiastically Patriotic Cub Scout, proud of the Leader his parents would take part in reelecting later that year (though, ironically, this Leader would himself have his own part to play in our collective loss of faith in Leadership), well...I simply could feel no other way. This is what losing a war looks like…

...and thus the Man continues to Fall.

And while our country losing its faith in War should be welcomed as a sign of progress and our collective evolution toward the civilization that was to serve as a cornerstone of our now-fallen Patriotism, it can only be truly welcomed when it is replaced instead by a renewed and sincere faith in Peace! And perhaps in global affairs, in a nominal and superficial sense, Peace is gaining some believers, though I can’t confidently believe all hold this faith sincerely as much as out of a cynically held tool of self-preservation until the war profiteers who pull their strings find new markets for their wares. But America’s faith in Violence is now stronger than ever. Carried out now by citizens on our streets rather than soldiers across the world, by police in squad cars rather than infantry in tanks, and now, perhaps imperceptibly, by viruses in our lungs spreading freely through uncovered orifi, violence is embraced by America as a whole in ways that make any notion that anyone this violent nation killed halfway across the world made us safer these last twenty years. In that same period, a new record for the deadliest mass shooting in modern American history has been set, first by a disturbed and alienated college student in Virginia, then by a would-be terrorist with a history of hate crimes at an LGBT+ nightclub in Orlando, and finally by his immediate usurper of this horrific distinction who just the following year rained bullets down from a modified assault rifle upon concertgoers in Las Vegas while perched far above them in his hotel room. Expanding our scope to the top five shootings, the other two on the list took place during just this past decade, the first carried out upon children by a mentally ill youth at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut, and the other at a church in Texas, by a resentful and misogynistic former spouse of one of the parishioners, a uniquely American demon consumed with wanting. In each instance the tired argument, dating back to the pre-9/11 massacre at Columbine and beyond, was made, that our government’s comparatively lax laws on gun ownership were to blame, but after the killings at Sandy Hook in 2012 changed nothing in that regard, that argument has felt increasingly futile. After all, when a country does fails to restrict such instruments of death after they’re used to murder 27 children, it doesn’t really want to. And to blame the mere presence of guns sidesteps the truth at the root of these shootings: modern America breeds killers, and more effective ones than ever.

But while Americans react to the violence perpetrated by mass shootings with condemnation and abhorrence, the violence carried out by an increasingly militarized police force breeds division and itself, violent rhetoric as the calls to find more peaceful solutions to making our streets safer are met with calls for more violence and diversions of blame to the victims themselves. This rash of violence was once countered with the statement that, “police brutality in America isn’t getting worse, it’s just getting filmed,” once again ignoring the forgotten chapters in our History in which we have now read that policing in America has played a part in targeting and criminalizing People of Color since its near inception. And as indeed everything is being filmed now, it permeates our culture to the point that it now builds upon itself influencing our every interaction, becoming a key talking point in the hate speech that now passes for political discourse. The result being the undeniable fact that the Fall of our Faith in War has not given way to the Rise of our Faith in Peace. Not in any meaningful way across the globe, and within our own borders it has shifted to a Rise in Faith in War upon Ourselves. And meanwhile…

...the Man continues to Fall…

-Tilling the Earth to Grow Softer Ground

...but where will he land?

In embarking on all of my writings, in contrast to the manner in which our country begins so many of its wars, I never do so without some intention of finding some source of hope or comfort, some path forward to progress, or, when setting out with the most optimistic of outlooks, perhaps a solution to the issues explored. While there was little to be had as I drafted the first few segments, it also became all the more necessary in the face of revisiting so much of the despair, confusion, and upheaval my fellow Americans and I have experienced these last twenty years as well as much of what those who came before did the decades examined prior. Thus it is fitting that while the preceding passages of this article were written in multiple sessions on my porch this week while the searing summer sun begins to give way to the first chilly autumn winds, I conclude this piece sitting on my bed as the first minutes of September the 11th, 2021 tick by. While many of the recent writings about Richard Drew’s iconic photograph have sought to confirm, or at investigate clues as to, the identity of its subject. In writing this piece I was reminded of so much of the American lives currently being lived now takes place in a culture where many are emboldened by the absence of names or faces. Thus to the notion that one would seek to identify this blurry, tragic figure, I retort: in a society where to be nameless and faceless can mean to be validated or even in some way seem enviable, what meaning could this man’s name and face possibly hold were it revealed to the masses? Instead it is perhaps better he continue his descent in anonymity and transubstantiate in our collective consciousness, and perhaps enjoy the comparative bliss felt only when one’s form shifts to that of a generational metaphor.

But as a now belabored metaphor, surely worn and windburned by his descent through my accountings of over a half-century’s worth of America’s broken promises, cheapened values, and hidden hatreds that were really in plain sight, he certainly deserves a softer place to land than the mattress that now serves as my roost, upon which I try to write one up for him. And from it I am reminded as well of the faiths that fell from our very homes, many of which we held our most steadfast trust. Our generation having now experienced the twin economic upheavals of the 2008 financial crisis and the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, faith in our dreams has fallen. And when the fall of this faith was begun by the shortsightedness and bad advice of those who first told us to believe in our dreams, we have to believe our dreams were always meant to decline. Thus many of us have embraced decline, with rates of depression, addiction, and other mental illness climbing in recent years. This is but one factor in the fall of our faith in the preceding generations, but this is in no way a textbook shifting of blame to our parents and grandparents, for they too have never lived in a world like this either. Instead, having spent so many of their younger years in a state of Not Knowing (while we ironically know nothing but this feeling) the brief length of time they spent in a state of Knowing, having been taught so well History’s patterns, shifts, palpable rhythms of causes and effects, ebbs and flows, and calms preceding storms that they weathered in the America they thought they knew, became their addiction as well, their perceived wisdom now the opiate of their uncertainty. For me personally, my late father was the one who taught me the most about the components, currents, and forces that moved History and how they had been maintained. Thus after his passing in early 2016, the loss was made all the more crushing upon the election of Donald Trump later that year, now that he, who for so much of my life could always point back to an equivalent trajectory America had placed upon and determine some possible arrival point, was no longer with us. But even having asked him so many times in my youth, “so what does this mean now, dad?” I recall now how many more times in the final decade of his life, he could answer with little more than, “I don’t know Nick.”

So perhaps I am also one of many for whom their faith in Wisdom has fallen as well. And since with the passing on of Wisdom our society traditionally passes on its culture, so with it has our Culture fallen as well. By now means in such a way that I would dare complain there has been a decline in the quality of our art, music, and films, but the notion of a shared culture of unassailable timeless classes has fallen. This may be for the best however, as the very subjective nature of art itself implies that any attempt to establish the undeniable supremacy of any work of art in such a way that spans generations, cultures, or life experiences serves to deny the validity of so many diverse tastes, sensibilities, and traditions as well as that of a work’s relevance when its purpose was only to encapsulate the cultural moment it was created in. So perhaps we should embrace the fact that our cultural landmarks are now determined more by individuals for themselves, and consist of niche classics, flavor of the day pop hits, and even tuneful inside jokes distributed across the vastness of the internet by among the varied enclaves of those who appreciate them. And even as part of a generation of young people who feel old, though many who had the luxury of experienced their brief stint in the state of Knowing will argue I haven’t earned that feeling, I remain a dedicated fan of the legendary musician Bruce Springsteen, it is perhaps fitting that his hopeful 2002 album “The Rising” would resonate far less in defining the musical outlook of the post-9/11 era than a 2003 release by his fellow New Jerseyans in the lesser-known punk band Thursday, titled “War All The Time.” Still with cultural moments all the more fleeting and tastes increasingly specific, one might say that each is now as obscure as the other, in contrast to the attention paid upon their initial release. The truth of course may be determined by which generation one comes from.

However this softer landing surface upon which our Man is to Land can only be created through generational cooperation, so let us finally unite in the experience of Not Knowing as we reluctantly celebrate the death of Wisdom, and perhaps even briefly entertain some illusion that the ground may yield when he reaches it, but bear each other through the realization we can instead only soften it by creating new institutions and redefining old ideas.

For the failing of Leadership need not truly be failure if we instead build our Leaders from the ground up. Rather than following those who present themselves on a bully pulpit as such, follow those who present themselves in the places we already needed them to be and allowed us to find them there. That is to say, on our own streets in the neighborhoods we live in, serving the communities in which they have built their lives while helping others to build theirs. Find them in our own offices and factories, working side by side while gaining an understanding of the labor and dedication that truly builds a nation, a dedication they wouldn’t dare exploit. And task these leaders with creating ideologies of which they themselves will someday no longer be irrelevant symbols, as ideologies must now be based not upon whom among these privileged few we choose to vote into power, but upon which of the many more helpless we choose to heal of their suffering.

Further I implore you not to mourn the death of our faith in Patriotism if our New Patriots can now redefine their love for their country as no longer being a love for the vague and faceless notions of Freedom or exclusionary definitions of “We” that were allowed to make that Freedom a luxury so few were truly afforded. And when harsh economic forces and the predatory and cynical motivations of those who were allowed to write the chapters upon which the Old Patriotism was written seek to restrict that Freedom even further, let us redistribute it to the no longer huddled masses so they may no longer thirst for it. For the New Patriotism will be based in understanding that to love one’s country means to love every human being who resides within it, no matter their origin or status. This Patriotism understands that America need not merely be the name of a long dead sailor, given by white men to stolen land that once bore so many varied, beautiful, and sacred names for the vast and diverse locales that comprise it, but that America by definition is collection of the hopes, dreams, fears, and needs of three-hundred thirty or more million souls upon whose very existence building a fair and equitable society depends.

And if our faith in War is to truly fail and give way to sincere dedication to faith in Peace. Let the only faith in War that remains be faith in the War upon War, and the destruction of our faith in violence of all kinds. And let the War upon War be a war upon ignorance and selfishness, and allow a generation whose defining tragedy’s only arrival point was a larger and more prolonged tragedy breathe easier, with hope that the virus that destroyed their dreams, and took vast numbers of the preceding generations who once comforted them with their experience in the state of Knowing, will no longer dominate their futures. And if this love that defines the New Patriotism can be the motivating factor in facing our challenges with genuine concern and care for the well being and prosperity of all three-hundred thirty or more million souls for whom the freedom to lives of health and safety, joy and fulfillment, will now be by this new definition their birthright.

At last, when this War upon War has ended, not with a dubious arrival point, but on a glorious and eternal new trajectory, let us harken back to the ways the ends of Wars were written of in scripture, for to bend the sword into plowshares now takes on a greater and renewed urgency, as the need to till the Earth is essential in the necessary task of growing softer ground upon which someday, somehow...

...this Man will Land.

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poloniumicecream · 4 years ago

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i was tagged by @starryeyedagony and @hashbrownteamcobrakai for this absurdly long list of personal questions <3 no one could possibly need to know this much about me, but let’s go

 1. what is the color of your hairbrush? i just... use my hand.... i keep my hair short, it curls and does its own thing

2. name a food you never eat:  idk i’ll eat what’s offered to me?? i buy what’s easy?? i have no strong food opinions at the moment

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i have this bird bone body like an ailing victorian child, anything under 70º and i’m freezing

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? was trying to be productive but instead found a good link to the blue lick horror house🙏 idk what’s so fascinating about this thing, but i can’t let it go. maybe bc i have nightmares that resemble this space?? anyway i live here now

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? reeses never lets me down

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game?  memories blocked, sports too boring to think about

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? i regret to admit i am reading this out loud as i go

8. what is your favorite ice cream? idk but the worst i ever had was peanut butter

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? some faintly bleachy tap water, delicious

10. do you like your wallet? i use a coin purse to hold cards and cash - it's a pretty recognizable bright colored mass produced one. a while back there was a popular celebrity on the periphery of my friend group (don’t ask pls) and one time at a bar or something i had my "wallet" out and from across the room they locked eyes with me and pulled the Same One out of their pocket. pretty sure it was weed tho. but imagine carrying ur weed in a normal bill-fold wallet. that would have been funnier :/

11. what is the last thing you ate?  lost in the turbine of my memory

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i did not but i just got a new desk lamp, genuinely v excited for that to arrive

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched?  i don't think this question applies to my experiences

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? popcorn smells are compelling but if i eat things that stick in my teeth i'll lose my entire mind. wait this is it, the answer to number 2

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? close inner circle group chat planning our surprise private island getaway. no but we’re making (safe!) halloween plans

16. ever been camping? not as often as usual this year but yes! see above

17. do you take vitamins?  those gummy ones like fruit snacks

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship?  nah

19. do you have a tan? i'm ghostly

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? i'm pickier about pizza. u can't go wrong with chinese

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? no...?

22. what color socks do you usually wear? mostly dark but i have some fluffy pastel ones specifically bc the contrast in my laundry is funny to me

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? i'm gay i don't drive

24. what terrifies you?  third date kind of question!

25. look to your left, what do you see? dying jade plants and beyond these, a cat's loving gaze

26. what chore do you hate most?  vacuuming. loud

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?  family

28. what’s your favorite soda?  dr pepper only. i don't really drink soda tho. i was raised by the kind of parents who put fruit juice in seltzer and sold me that lie. i guess it stuck

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? there are so many food questions in this list pls

30. what’s your favorite number?  secret information

31. who’s the last person you talked to?  my father. probably the person i've spoken with out loud the most this year

32. favorite meat? i no longer eat meat

33. last song you listened to? it’s been a war on drugs kind of week

34. last book you read?  i can't read

35. favorite day of the week?  something cool about a thursday, i can't explain it

36. can you say the alphabet backwards?  feeling very interrogated rn

37. how do you like your coffee? however it wants to be. i for real cannot supply food or beverage opinions like this on demand PLS

38. favorite pair of shoes?  generic black leather lace up boots

39. time you normally get up? i'm drawing my shades and peering suspiciously outside through a crack rn

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? ok when ur out somewhere with no artificial light and it makes the sky more dramatic and cool, either one is good

41. how many blankets are on your bed? not enough, season transitions are rough

42. describe your kitchen plates? ... grandma is that u?

43. describe your kitchen at the moment:  it's clean, it's fine, grandma get out of here

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?  among the friends i drink with, one is a skilled bartender and we let him surprise us with whatever obscure drink he thinks each person should have that night. i would trust him with my life. conversely i just remembered my very best friend is also a bartender but him i wouldn’t let serve me anything except straight from the bottle. hm. what i’m trying to say is, the company i keep is more important to me than what's in the glass. should i also clarify i made these friends before they pursued this work and i’m not, like, frequenting bars to harass the staff? this answer is a mess lol

45. do you play cards?  i don’t have a great attention span for learning or enduring things like that

46. what color is your car?  u know what's funny is how much junk mail i get with car insurance offers. i wonder what color they think the car i've never had is

47. can you change a tire? 100% no and that would not stop me trying. it won’t be my car so i have nothing to lose and all of myself (also nothing) to give

48. your favorite state or province? idk i feel like a stranger everywhere i go except nyc

49. favorite job you’ve had? ok, mr. fbi i think that's enough

😔 i have not kept track of who’s been tagged or done this already, and the links will kill my tags anyway. do u have shit u need help procrastinating on? here, try this

#yes i am avoiding tasks #come join #tag game #...formatting text is my passion🐸

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kayliemusing · 4 years ago

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1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? - If you're talking about aliens or ghosts, yes lol

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? - 3. I can manage but sometimes I get unnerved, especially if I'm alone in the dark outside

3. The person you would never want to meet? - Anyone who could hurt me

4. What is your favorite word? - Wonderstruck. I also like the word 'elegance' bc I like the way it sounds.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? - cherry blossom tree

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? - 'Ew'

7. What shirt are you wearing? - I'm wearing a blue sweater

8. What do you label yourself as? - A few things: a romantic, writer, daydreamer, perfectionist, etc

9. Bright room or dark room? - Bright

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? - Heading to bed

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? - I think I liked being seventeen, but I can't really remember

12. Who told you they loved you last? - My mom probably lol

13. Your worst enemy? - My sister's abusive ex

14. What is your current desktop picture? - A forest

15. Do you like someone? - No one in my real life, but I've developed a sudden crush on Evan Peters in the last 24 hrs lmao

16. The last song you listened to? - The Last Great American Dynasty by Taylor Swift, I think

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? - My sister's ex

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? - My sister's ex

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? - Idk if I'd have a slave tbh lol

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) - My hair, I guess

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? - I'd probably look like myself, but maybe taller and obviously more masculine. I don't know what I'd do. I don't think I'd be a writer, because maybe my experience would be different. So...not sure.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? - This is weird and if anyone asks me, I'll deny it, but I can make stomach grumbling noises without opening my mouth. Honestly not hard to do, but I think I'm really good at it lmao

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? - I don't really have a unique fear. I think what I'm afraid of is normal. I'm super afraid of failure, loss, and getting older bc I feel like growing old comes with loss. Terrified of spiders and most bugs. Deep water bc I can't swim well. So...Pretty basic I think.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. - A standard PB and J.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? - I'd probably just take it to the bank and put it in my bank account, which would most likely end up going towards makeup, books, skincare or clothes.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? - Maybe NYC? Or totally the opposite and going somewhere super quiet and beautiful, like a countryside in England or France lol.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? - I feel like an angel wouldn't offer me that, but maybe a dessert wine. I'm not really a fan of alcohol so Idk what else I'd choose lol.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? - Everyone listens and loves Taylor Swift, if not, you're going to jail

29. What is your favorite expletive? - 'bitch' I think lol

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? - My laptop

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? - Probably an embarrassing moment. I would want to erase traumas but then I feel like that would actually end up messing everything up. i.e., would lead to confusion or misunderstandings about love, etc.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! - Interesting. I'm not sure what the question is, but if I could move anywhere else in the world, I'd probably move to a big city like NYC, Vancouver, or LA OR I'd go the opposite and move to a super cozy cottage in a countryside somewhere.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? - My dad

34. What was your last dream about? - Last night I had this bizarre dream that I was camping with Matthias from YouTube and he was being super mean to me lmao. Then all of a sudden I was in Calgary with my sister and we were just like wandering around.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? - I feel like you're asking if I'm a good person, to which, I think yes.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? - No

37. Have you ever built a snowman? - Yes

38. What is the color of your socks? - I'm not wearing any, but they're usually white or black.

39. What type of music do you like? - Pop, Alternative/alternative pop, folk, country, country-pop, some 80s stuff, acoustic, etc. I span through a few genres, but I think I like something with a catchy melody and good songwriting.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? - Sunrises

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? - Vanilla, bc i'm basic

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) -I don't watch football oops

43. Do you have any scars? - A few. Mostly acne scars rip, but also a big scar on my elbow from when I fell off my bike when I was a kid. I have a few chickenpox scars on my forehead that like to peak out every now and again too.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? - I already graduated High School, but I just applied to college so the plan is to be a Copy Editor and a novelist on the side.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - That I had a flat stomach

46. Are you reliable? - Tbh no. I think I'm pretty flaky :/

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? - How did it turn out?

48. Do you hold grudges? - Yes, unfortunately

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? - Maybe like a bird and a chinchilla or a fox or something so it would be like this flying fox thing. Idk. I saw a fantasy drawing on pinterest of a bird/something-else and it was super cute.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? - I don't know actually lol

51. Are you a good liar? - No, because I get super nervous and can't make eye contact or I start smiling. Even worse, sometimes it's both.

52. How long could you go without talking? - I'm pretty quiet, so a long time. Maybe a day, but not two days lol.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? - I got a perm when I was in the sixth grade and everyone laughed at me so.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? - Yes

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? - Not well, but sometimes I like to butcher a British and Australian accent. Usually happens when I'm alone which is worse.

56. What do you like on your toast? - Usually I'll just put margarine on it or jam. If I feel like being fancy, I'll put brown sugar and cinnamon on it.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? - I probably doodled some hearts not too long ago

58. What would be you dream car? - Probably a red 1960-70s chevy convertible.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. - I talk to myself in the shower a lot which is weird but i'm just kinda processing my thoughts out loud lmao. Sometimes I'll sing or hum to myself.

60. Do you believe in aliens? - That would be a hard no.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? - No, unless it's in a fun meme like the signs as tv shows or something

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? - I have never thought about this before tbh. Maybe S? or R? or C? Idk

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? - Dragons

64. What do you think about babies? - Cute

#survey

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justfandomwritings · 5 years ago

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Urban Legends (Part One - Chris Beck)

Pairing: Chris Beck x Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: i don’t think any apply.

Summary: (Y/n) Watney was something of an urban legend at NASA. Commander of the Ares I mission, (Y/n) was the first human to set foot on another planet. She heard names like Neil Armstrong and smirked. She was on her way to being the most famous astronaut in history, and she was determined to bring her brother along for the ride. She recommended Mark to Vincent Kapoor. She helped him get on the Ares III mission to Mars.

Her brother was stuck on Mars because of her, and she was determined to bring him home.

After all, if he was the first human to die on another planet that would thoroughly steal her thunder; and she couldn’t have that.

Notes: This story is being simultaneously posted to AO3 as an OC story if you’d prefer to find that version. Also of note, Beck won’t be in the first few chapters, but I promise its coming.

There’s an urban legend about NASA.

In the 60s, the Soviet Union and the United States were deep into what is now called the Space Race. When the Soviets launched Sputnik 1, the first manmade satellite, Americans were wracked with panic. If the Soviet Union could launch a radio satellite into orbit around the Earth, who’s to say they couldn’t launch a gun?

The space program, NASA, became every Americans top priority. It was a nuclear deterrent, as well as a matter of national pride. If the Soviets had satellites in space hovering over American soil, then America needed satellites in space over Soviet soil. But America couldn’t just equal the Soviet Union; America needed to beat the Soviet Union.

When the first astronauts went into space, Soviet-born Yuri Gagarin beating out American-born Alan Shepard by less than a month for the honor of being the first man in space, they encountered a dilemma.

The ballpoint pen was pattented in the United Kingdom during 1938 as an alternative to the dip pen. It was a simple design. The new pen utilized a cartridge of ink attached to a metal ball over which the ink rolled out, allowing the user to write. There was only one problem. The ink was drawn down and fed out of the cartridge over the ball by nothing but the force of gravity. Meaning, in space, there was nothing to draw out the ink; leaving all modern pens effectively useless.

The United States invested $12 million of its funding into designing a pen that would function in zero gravity.

The Soviets just used pencils.

The truth isn’t quite as amusing as the legend, but it isn’t far off either.

When the United States realized that ballpoint pens were effectively rendered useless by zero gravity, they contracted a company called Tycam Engineering to order a set of 34 mechanical pencils for their next mission. Tycam Engineering charged NASA $4,382… for 34 mechanical pencils. After extensive criticism from the public and within their own departments about the wasteful spending, NASA canceled their order.

The Americans just used pencils.

Eventually, in the late 60s, a privately owned firm called Fisher Pen Company would indeed design a pen that worked in zero gravity. It became known as the Fisher Space Pen. The pen replaced the usual pull of gravity by installing a pressurized ink cartridge that functioned in any environment.

NASA paid $6 per pen for the privilege of writing in ink.

The Soviets paid $8.

(Y/n) tapped her Fisher Space Pen against the edge of her desk.

The amount of work that had been put into this moment, put into her sitting here now, was incalculable. Sure, she could add up the amount of hours she’d put in training. She could find out the amount of time she’d spent out on missions. She could factor in time doing research for her thesis or working on related projects. She could even calculate the opportunity cost of lost wages elsewhere in her field. None of it would give a definitive answer, though.

This moment was so much bigger than her effort and her work, and nothing symbolized that more than her pen. It had a history that went well past her, well past Alan Shepard, well past NASA. This pen spanned the Ares Mission, the International Space Station, Project Apollo, Project Gemini. Every astronaut before her had held one of these pens. The minds at Fisher Pen Company had put hundreds of hours and millions of dollars into designing it, and they had built their work on the minds that came before them.

The Fisher Pen Company could not have pressurized the pen cartridge if countless men and women before them had not perfected the cartridge pen’s design, if the Biro brothers who patented the first ballpoint pen in 1938 had not thought to innovate on the dip pen.

The giants of every field today rested on the shoulders of those who came before, and the Fisher Space Pen was no exception. (Y/n) was no exception.

It might be a bit of a stretch to call Fisher Space Pen a giant, but (Y/n) was self aware enough to know that she, in fact, was a giant.

(Y/n) twisted off the pen cap and set it aside with a deep breath. Eight years ago, in 2027, (Y/n) had picked up the very same pen and signed her name to a contract, and now she was doing it again. She couldn’t decide if she was more impressed that she was back in the chair or that she’d managed to keep track of one pen for eight years.

“You understand the full personal, professional, and legal ramifications of the contract you are about to sign, Miss Watney?”

(Y/n) looked up at NASA’s in-house attorney sitting across from her. He was a feeble man with a bald patch slightly to the right of center atop his head that perfectly matched the shape of the Tycho lunar crater, right down to the tiny tuft of hair that coincided with the peak at its center. They had only met once before, eight years ago, and understandably she didn’t remember him very well.

Back then, he had given her a full lecture, two hours long, about the document she was signing, the commitment it entailed. He’d clearly gone lax this time around. Perhaps he wrongly assumed she remembered any of what he’d said.

She couldn’t even recall his name when she first walked in the door minutes before. Back in 2027, she was practically shaking with the anticipation of putting her name on the dotted line. Back then, he was all that was standing between her and Mars. How could she be expected to pay attention.

“Don’t worry about me, Mr. Levinson.” (Y/n) falsely assured him. “I know what I’m getting myself into. I’ve been here before.”

“That you have,” Mr. Levinson wheezed out a laugh. “I was excited when they told me you would be leading this new program. It’s always good to see some familiar faces on the cover of my cereal box.”

(Y/n) chuckled to herself. Her brother had given her hell for those cereal boxes. Whenever NASA forwarded her inbox along to the Hermes, there were always a handful pictures of Mark with the cereal box strategically placed in various spots (Y/n) should have been.

Her birthday? He put it on the table with a cake in front of it. Family beach trip? He covered it in sunscreen and set it in the sand. Dad’s retirement party? He brought it along to a black tie event tucked under his arm. Mark somehow managed to talk some of the techies into letting him put the box in the seat next to him while he did his takeoff simulations. He even took the stupid thing as one of his personal items into his isolation chamber for 10 days.

Gem that he was, Mitch Henderson had sent along the video of Mark talking to the picture of her on the cereal box cover because, as Mark explained, ‘What? I got bored of talking to myself.’

(Y/n)’s eyes scanned over the contract. She wasn’t really reading it. Mr. Levinson knew that, but she needed to pretend for the sake of protocol. “The cereal box was all Annie. She thinks putting us out there in the public eye will increase awareness of NASA programs, and increased funding will follow.”

“It’s not a bad idea.” Mr. Levinson hedged. “It might be good for kids to have successful, intelligent role models for once.”

Role models. They’d certainly tried to make (Y/n) into one of those. Weeks upon weeks of PR training. It was worse than the actual astronaut program!

...That was probably an exaggeration, but it felt like it.

(Y/n) was the Commander of her mission, the face of the team. A face that was everywhere, and not just for the moment. A face that wouldn’t just be in history books, but would be on the covers of them.

A face that Annie refused to see dropping the f-bomb during any of the over 100 interviews (Y/n) had been expected to do before take off and certainly not during any of the countless hundred she had done since her return.

(Y/n)’s pen paused over the line she was supposed to sign, and a smirk tugged at her lips. “Wait, you were eating the kid’s cereal?”

Mr. Levinson spluttered for a moment, but his embarrassment was saved by the door bursting open.

“Mitch?” Mr. Levinson questioned.

(Y/n) turned when she heard Mr. Levinson say the name. The Hermes Flight Director stood in the office doorway looking absolutely terrified.

A cold chill ran up her spine. He didn’t need to say anything. Mitch’s eyes did all the talking, and she shoved away from Levinson’s desk, ignoring as the lawyer shouted, “Miss Watney, we’re not done here.”

Mitch led her through the halls down into the control room where the usually mild-mannered scientists were in frenzy.

(Y/n) didn’t frequent the NASA control room. Her eight years in the program had mostly been spent in training facilities or research labs, but she’d met the staff working the room before. She knew procedure well enough to know that this was unusual, and something was going very wrong.

“What’s going on, Mitch.” Her tone left no room for questioning.

“We had to scrap the mission earlier today. The winds got too strong. MAV was tipping.”

(Y/n) narrowed in on the readouts scrolling up the side of the screen. The wind speed was far too high. “Have they left the surface yet?”

“They haven’t yet, and the last updates from the communications system indicate the MAV was tilting too far. They were running out of…” Mitch never got to finish explaining the situation to (Y/n).

A crackly voice came over the loud speaker, indicating a transmission from Hermes to mission control. “Hermes, this is Commander Lewis. We have successfully docked the MAV and are beginning to route our return to Earth.”

(Y/n) felt intense relief fill her only to be washed away by sheer horror.

“Mark Watney was hit by debris en route to the MAV… He… He died on impact and didn’t make it to the MAV.”

A loud cry split the air, and (Y/n) only realized it had come from her when pain shot up her knees as they gave out and hit the ground.

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Next Time on... Part Two

Taglist:

Forever Taglist:

@maybe-a-fangurl / @libbymouse / @geeksareunique / @deathbyarabbit / @spilltheearlgrey

#chris beck x reader #chris beck #chris beck imagine #sebastian stan x reader #chris beck fanfiction #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan fanfiction #chris beck x you #chris beck fluff #the martian imagine #the martian fanfiction #chris beck drabble

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mattbrothersscriptwriter · 5 years ago

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My Top 20 Films of 2019 - Part Two

I don’t think I’ve had a year where my top ten jostled and shifted as much as this one did - these really are the best of the best and my personal favourites of 2019.

10. Toy Story 4

I think we can all agree that Toy Story 3 was a pretty much perfect conclusion to a perfect trilogy right? About as close as is likely to get, I’m sure. I shared the same trepidation when part four was announced, especially after some underwhelming sequels like Finding Dory and Cars 3 (though I do have a lot of time for Monsters University and Incredibles 2). So maybe it’s because the odds were so stacked against this being good but I thought it was wonderful. A truly existential nightmare of an epilogue that does away with Andy (and mostly kids altogether) to focus on the dreams and desires of the toys themselves - separate from their ‘duties’ as playthings to biological Gods. What is their purpose in life without an owner? Can they be their own person and carve their own path? In the case of breakout new character Forky (Tony Hale), what IS life? Big big questions for a cash grab kids films huh?

The animation is somehow yet another huge leap forward (that opening rainstorm!), Bo Peep’s return is excellently pitched and the series tradition of being unnervingly horrifying is back as well thanks to those creepy ventriloquist dolls! Keanu Reeves continues his ‘Keanuassaince‘ as the hilarious Duke Caboom and this time, hopefully, the ending at least feels finite. This series means so much to me: I think the first movie is possibly the tightest, most perfect script ever written, the third is one of my favourites of the decade and growing up with the franchise (I was 9 when the first came out, 13 for part two, 24 for part three and now 32 for this one), these characters are like old friends so of course it was great to see them again. All this film had to do was be good enough to justify its existence and while there are certainly those out there that don’t believe this one managed it, I think the fact that it went as far as it did showed that Pixar are still capable of pushing boundaries and exploring infinity and beyond when they really put their minds to it.

9. The Nightingale

Hoo boy. Already controversial with talk of mass walkouts (I witnessed a few when this screened at Sundance London), it’s not hard to see why but easy to understand. Jennifer Kent (The Babadook) is a truly fearless filmmaker following up her acclaimed suburban horror movie come grief allegory with a period revenge tale set in the Tasmanian wilderness during British colonial rule in the early 1800s. It’s rare to see the British depicted with the monstrous brutality for which they were known in the distant colonies and this unflinching drama sorely needed an Australian voice behind the camera to do it justice.

The film is front loaded with some genuinely upsetting, nasty scenes of cruel violence but its uncensored brutality and the almost casual nature of its depiction is entirely the point - this was normalised behaviour over there and by treating it so matter of factly, it doesn’t slip into gratuitous ‘movie violence’. It is what it is. And what it is is hard to watch. If anything, as Kent has often stated, it’s still toned down from the actual atrocities that occurred so it’s a delicate balance that I think Kent more than understands. Quoting from an excellent Vanity Fair interview she did about how she directs, Kent said “I think audiences have become very anaesthetised to violence on screen and it’s something I find disturbing... People say ‘these scenes are so shocking and disturbing’. Of course they are. We need to feel that. When we become so removed from violence on screen, this is a very irresponsible thing. So I wanted to put us right within the frame with that person experiencing the loss of everything they hold dear”.

Aisling Franciosi is next level here as a woman who has her whole life torn from her, leaving her as nothing but a raging husk out for vengeance. It would be so easy to fall into odd couple tropes once she teams up with reluctant native tracker Billy (an equally impressive newcomer, Baykali Ganambarr) but the film continues to stay true to the harsh racism of the era, unafraid to depict our heroine - our point of sympathy - as horrendously racist towards her own ally. Their partnership is not easily solidified but that makes it all the stronger when they star to trust each other. Sam Claflin is also career best here, weaponizing his usual charm into dangerous menace and even after cementing himself as the year’s most evil villain, he can still draw out the humanity in such a broken and corrupt man.

Gorgeously shot in the Academy ratio, the forest landscape here is oppressive and claustrophobic. Kent also steps back into her horror roots with some mesmerising, skin crawling dream scenes that amplify the woozy nightmarish tone and overbearing sense of dread. Once seen, never forgotten, this is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea (and that’s fine) but when cinema can affect you on such a visceral level and be this powerful, reflective and honest about our own past, it’s hard to ignore. Stunning.

8. The Irishman

Aka Martin Scorsese’s magnum opus, I did manage to see this one in a cinema before the Netflix drop and absolutely loved it. I’ve watched 85 minute long movies that felt longer than this - Marty’s mastery of pace, energy and knowing when to let things play out in agonising detail is second to none. This epic tale of the life of Frank Sheeran (Robert De Niro) really is the cinematic equivalent of having your cake and eating it too, allowing Scorsese to run through a greatest hits victory lap of mobster set pieces, alpha male arguments, a decades spanning life story and one (last?) truly great Joe Pesci performance before simply letting the story... continue... to a natural, depressing and tragic ending, reflecting the emptiness of a life built on violence and crime.

For a film this long, it’s impressive how much the smallest details make the biggest impacts. A stammering phone call from a man emotionally incapable of offering any sort of condolence. The cold refusal of forgiveness from a once loving daughter. A simple mirroring of a bowl of cereal or a door left slightly ajar. These are the parts of life that haunt us all and it’s what we notice the most in a deliberately lengthy biopic that shows how much these things matter when everything else is said and done. The violence explodes in sudden, sharp bursts, often capping off unbearably tense sequences filled with the everyday (a car ride, a conversation about fish, ice cream...) and this contrast between the whizz bang of classic Scorsese and the contemplative nature of Silence era Scorsese is what makes this film feel like such an accomplishment. De Niro is FINALLY back but it’s the memorably against type role for Pesci and an invigorated Al Pacino who steals this one, along with a roll call of fantastic cameos, with perhaps the most screentime given to the wonderfully petty Stephen Graham as Tony Pro, not to mention Anna Paquin’s near silent performance which says more than possibly anyone else.

Yes, the CG de-aging is misguided at best, distracting at worst (I never really knew how old anyone was meant to be at any given time... which is kinda a problem) but like how you get used to it really quickly when it’s used well, here I kinda got past it being bad in an equally fast amount of time and just went with it. Would it have been a different beast had they cast younger actors to play them in the past? Undoubtedly. But if this gives us over three hours of Hollywood’s finest giving it their all for the last real time together, then that’s a compromise I can live with.

7. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Wow. I was in love with this film from the moving first trailer but then the film itself surpassed all expectations. This is a true indie film success story, with lead actor Jimmie Fails developing the idea with director Joe Talbot for years before Kickstarting a proof of concept and eventually getting into Sundance with short film American Paradise, which led to the backing of this debut feature through Plan B and A24. The deeply personal and poetic drama follows a fictionalised version of Jimmie, trying to buy back an old Victorian town house he claims was built by his grandfather, in an act of rebellion against the increasingly gentrified San Francisco that both he and director Talbot call home.

The film is many things - a story of male friendship, of solidarity within our community, of how our cities can change right from underneath us - it moves to the beat of it’s own drum, with painterly cinematography full of gorgeous autumnal colours and my favourite score of the year from Emile Mosseri. The performances, mostly by newcomers or locals outside of brilliant turns from Jonathan Majors, Danny Glover and Thora Birch, are wonderful and the whole thing is such a beautiful love letter to the city that it makes you ache for a strong sense of place in your own home, even if your relationship with it is fractured or strained. As Jimmie says, “you’re not allowed to hate it unless you love it”.

For me, last year’s Blindspotting (my favourite film of the year) tackled gentrification within California more succinctly but this much more lyrical piece of work ebbs and flows through a number of themes like identity, family, memory and time. It’s a big film living inside a small, personal one and it is not to be overlooked.

6. Little Women

I had neither read the book nor seen any prior adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s 1868 novel so to me, this is by default the definitive telling of this story. If from what I hear, the non linear structure is Greta Gerwig’s addition, then it’s a total slam dunk. It works so well in breaking up the narrative and by jumping from past to present, her screenplay highlights certain moments and decisions with a palpable sense of irony, emotional weight or knowing wink. Getting to see a statement made with sincere conviction and then paid off within seconds, can be both a joy and a surefire recipe for tears. Whether it’s the devastating contrast between scenes centred around Beth’s illness or the juxtaposition of character’s attitudes to one another, it’s a massive triumph. Watching Amy angrily tell Laurie how she’s been in love with him all her life and then cutting back to her childishly making a plaster cast of her foot for him (’to remind him how small her feet are’) is so funny.

Gerwig and her impeccable cast bring an electric energy to the period setting, capturing the big, messy realities of family life with a mix of overwhelming cross-chatter and the smallest of intimate gestures. It’s a testament to the film that every sister feels fully serviced and represented, from Beth’s quiet strength to Amy’s unforgivable sibling rivalry. Chris Cooper’s turn as a stoic man suffering almost imperceptible grief is a personal heartbreaking favourite.

The book’s (I’m assuming) most sweeping romantic statements are wonderfully delivered, full of urgent passion and relatable heartache, from Marmie’s (Laura Dern) “I’m angry nearly every day of my life” moment to Jo’s (Saoirse Ronan) painful defiance of feminine attributes not being enough to cure her loneliness. The sheer amount of heart and warmth in this is just remarkable and I can easily see it being a film I return to again and again.

5. Booksmart

2019 has been a banner year for female directors, making their exclusion from some of the early awards conversations all the more damning. From this list alone, we have Lulu Wang, Jennifer Kent and Greta Gerwig. Not to mention Lorene Scafaria (Hustlers), Melina Matsoukas (Queen & Slim), Jocelyn DeBoer & Dawn Luebbe (Greener Grass), Sophie Hyde (Animals) and Rose Glass (Saint Maud - watch out for THIS one in 2020, it’s brilliant). Perhaps the most natural transition from in front of to behind the camera has been made by Olivia Wilde, who has created a borderline perfect teen comedy that can make you laugh till you cry, cry till you laugh and everything in-between.

Subverting the (usually male focused) ‘one last party before college’ tropes that fuel the likes of Superbad and it’s many inferior imitators, Booksmart follows two overachievers who, rather than go on a coming of age journey to get some booze or get laid, simply want to indulge in an insane night of teenage freedom after realising that all of the ‘cool kids’ who they assumed were dropouts, also managed to get a place in all of the big universities. It’s a subtly clever remix of an old favourite from the get go but the committed performances from Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein put you firmly in their shoes for the whole ride.

It’s a genuine blast, with big laughs and a bigger heart, portraying a supportive female friendship that doesn’t rely on hokey contrivances to tear them apart, meaning that when certain repressed feelings do come to the surface, the fallout is heartbreaking. As I stated in a twitter rave after first seeing it back in May, every single character, no matter how much they might appear to be simply representing a stock role or genre trope, gets their moment to be humanised. This is an impeccably cast ensemble of young unknowns who constantly surprise and the script is a marvel - a watertight structure without a beat out of place, callbacks and payoffs to throwaway gags circle back to be hugely important and most of all, the approach taken to sexuality and representation feels so natural. I really think it is destined to be looked back on and represent 2019 the way Heathers does ‘88, Clueless ‘95 or Easy A 2010. A new high benchmark for crowd pleasing, indie comedy - teen or otherwise.

4. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt is one of my favourite actors and one who, despite still being a huge A-lister even after 30 years in the game, never seems to get enough credit for the choices he makes, the movies he stars in and also the range of stories he helps produce through his company, Plan B. 2019 was something of a comeback year for Pitt as an actor with the insanely measured and controlled lead performance seen here in Ad Astra and the more charismatic and chaotic supporting role in Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood.

I love space movies, especially those that are more about broken people blasting themselves into the unknown to search for answers within themselves... which manages to sum up a lot of recent output in this weirdly specific sub-genre. First Man was a devastating look at grief characterised by a man who would rather go to a desolate rock than have to confront what he lost, all while being packaged as a heroic biopic with a stunning score. Gravity and The Martian both find their protagonists forced to rely on their own cunning and ingenuity to survive and Interstellar looked at the lengths we go to for those we love left behind. Smaller, arty character studies like High Life or Moon are also astounding. All of this is to say that Ad Astra takes these concepts and runs with them, challenging Pitt to cross the solar system to talk some sense into his long thought dead father (Tommy Lee Jones). But within all the ‘sad dad’ stuff, there’s another film in here just daring you to try and second guess it - one that kicks things off with a terrifying free fall from space, gives us a Mad Max style buggy chase on the moon and sidesteps into horror for one particular set-piece involving a rabid baboon in zero G! It manages to feel so completely nuts, so episodic in structure, that I understand why a lot of people were turned off - feeling that the overall film was too scattershot to land the drama or too pondering to have any fun with. I get the criticisms but for me, both elements worked in tandem, propelling Pitt on this (assumed) one way journey at a crazy pace whilst sitting back and languishing in the ‘bigger themes’ more associated with a Malik or Kubrick film. Something that Pitt can sell me on in his sleep by this point.

I loved the visuals from cinematographer Hoyte van Hoytema (Interstellar), loved the imagination and flair of the script from director James Gray and Ethan Gross and loved the score by Max Richter (with Lorne Balfe and Nils Frahm) but most of all, loved Pitt, proving that sometimes a lot less, is a lot more. The sting of hearing the one thing he surely knew (but hoped he wouldn’t) be destined to hear from his absent father, acted almost entirely in his eyes during a third act confrontation, summed up the movie’s brilliance for me - so much so that I can forgive some of the more outlandish ‘Mr Hyde’ moments of this thing’s alter ego... like, say, riding a piece of damaged hull like a surfboard through a meteor debris field!

3. Avengers: Endgame

It’s no secret that I think Marvel, the MCU in particular, have been going from strength to strength in recent years, slowly but surely taking bigger risks with filmmakers (the bonkers Taika Waititi, the indie darlings of Ryan Coogler, Cate Shortland and Chloe Zhao) whilst also carefully crafting an entertaining, interconnected universe of characters and stories. But what is the point of building up any movie ‘universe’ if you’re not going to pay it off and Endgame is perhaps the strongest conclusion to eleven years of movie sequels that fans could have possibly hoped for.

Going into this thing, the hype was off the charts (and for good reason, with it now being the highest grossing film of all time) but I remember souring on the first entry of this two-parter, Infinity War, during the time between initial release and Endgame’s premiere. That film had a game-changing climax, killing off half the heroes (and indeed the universe’s population) and letting the credits role on the villain having achieved his ultimate goal. It was daring, especially for a mammoth summer blockbuster but obviously, we all knew the deaths would never be permanent, especially with so many already-announced sequels for now ‘dusted’ characters. However, it wasn’t just the feeling that everything would inevitably be alright in the end. For me, the characters themselves felt hugely under-serviced, with arguably the franchise’s main goody two shoes Captain America being little more than a beardy bloke who showed up to fight a little bit. Basically what I’m getting at is that I felt Endgame, perhaps emboldened by the giant runtime, managed to not only address these character slights but ALSO managed to deliver the most action packed, comic booky, ‘bashing your toys together’ final fight as well.

It’s a film of three parts, each pretty much broken up into one hour sections. There’s the genuinely new and interesting initial section following our heroes dealing with the fact that they lost... and it stuck. Thor angrily kills Thanos within the first fifteen minutes but it’s a meaningless action by this point - empty revenge. Cutting to five years later, we get to see how defeat has affected them, for better or worse, trying to come to terms with grief and acceptance. Cap tries to help the everyman, Black Widow is out leading an intergalactic mop up squad and Thor is wallowing in a depressive black hole. It’s a shocking and vibrantly compelling deconstruction of the whole superhero thing and it gives the actors some real meat to chew on, especially Robert Downy Jr here who goes from being utterly broken to fighting within himself to do the right thing despite now having a daughter he doesn’t want to lose too. Part two is the trip down memory lane, fan service-y time heist which is possibly the most fun section of any of these movies, paying tribute to the franchise’s past whilst teetering on a knife’s edge trying to pull off a genuine ‘mission impossible’. And then it explodes into the extended finale which pays everyone off, demonstrates some brilliantly imaginative action and sticks the landing better than it had any right to. In a year which saw the ending of a handful of massive geek properties, from Game of Thrones to Star Wars, it’s a miracle even one of them got it right at all. That Endgame managed to get it SO right is an extraordinary accomplishment and if anything, I think Marvel may have shot themselves in the foot as it’s hard to imagine anything they can give us in the future having the intense emotional weight and momentum of this huge finale.

2. Knives Out

Rian Johnson has been having a ball leaping into genre sandpits and stirring shit up, from his teen spin on noir in Brick to his quirky con man caper with The Brothers Bloom, his time travel thriller Looper and even his approach to the Star Wars mythos in The Last Jedi. Turning his attention to the relatively dead ‘whodunnit’ genre, Knives Out is a perfect example of how to celebrate everything that excites you about a genre whilst weaponizing it’s tropes against your audience’s baggage and preconceptions.

An impeccable cast have the time of their lives here, revelling in playing self obsessed narcissists who scramble to punt the blame around when the family’s patriarch, a successful crime novelist (Christopher Plummer), winds up dead. Of course there’s something fishy going on so Daniel Craig’s brilliantly dry southern detective Benoit Blanc is called in to investigate.There are plenty of standouts here, from Don Johnson’s ignorant alpha wannabe Richard to Michael Shannon’s ferocious eldest son Walt to Chris Evan’s sweater wearing jock Ransom, full of unchecked, white privilege swagger. But the surprise was the wholly sympathetic, meek, vomit prone Marta, played brilliantly by Ana de Armas, cast against her usual type of sultry bombshell (Knock Knock, Blade Runner 2049), to spearhead the biggest shake up of the genre conventions. To go into more detail would begin to tread into spoiler territory but by flipping the audience’s engagement with the detective, we’re suddenly on the receiving end of the scrutiny and the tension derived from this switcheroo is genius and opens up the second act of the story immensely.

The whole thing is so lovingly crafted and the script is one of the tightest I’ve seen in years. The amount of setup and payoff here is staggering and never not hugely satisfying, especially as it heads into it’s final stretch. It really gives you some hope that you could have such a dense, plotty, character driven idea for a story and that it could survive the transition from page to screen intact and for the finished product to work as well as it does. I really hope Johnson returns to tell another Benoit Blanc mystery and judging by the roaring box office success (currently over $200 million worldwide for a non IP original), I certainly believe he will.

1. Eighth Grade

My film of the year is another example of the power of cinema to put us in other people’s shoes and to discover the traits, fears, joys and insecurities that we all share irregardless. It may shock you to learn this but I have never been a 13 year old teenage girl trying to get by in the modern world of social media peer pressure and ‘influencer’ culture whilst crippled with personal anxiety. My school days almost literally could not have looked more different than this (less Instagram, more POGs) and yet, this is a film about struggling with oneself, with loneliness, with wanting more but not knowing how to get it without changing yourself and the careless way we treat those with our best interests at heart in our selfish attempt to impress peers and fit in. That is understandable. That is universal. And as I’m sure I’ve said a bunch of times in this list, movies that present the most specific worldview whilst tapping into universal themes are the ones that inevitably resonate the most.

Youtuber and comedian Bo Burnham has crafted an impeccable debut feature, somehow portraying a generation of teens at least a couple of generations below his own, with such laser focused insight and intimate detail. It’s no accident that this film has often been called a sort of social-horror, with cringe levels off the charts and recognisable trappings of anxiety and depression in every frame. The film’s style services this feeling at every turn, from it’s long takes and nauseous handheld camerawork to the sensory overload in it’s score (take a bow Anna Meredith) and the naturalistic performances from all involved. Burnham struck gold when he found Elsie Fisher, delivering the most painful and effortlessly real portrayal of a tweenager in crisis as Kayla. The way she glances around skittishly, the way she is completely lost in her phone, the way she talks, even the way she breathes all feeds into the illusion - the film is oftentimes less a studio style teen comedy and more a fly on the wall documentary.

This is a film that could have coasted on being a distant, social media based cousin to more standard fare like Sex Drive or Superbad or even Easy A but it goes much deeper, unafraid to let you lower your guard and suddenly hit you with the most terrifying scene of casually attempted sexual aggression or let you watch this pure, kindhearted girl falter and question herself in ways she shouldn’t even have to worry about. And at it’s core, there is another beautiful father/daughter relationship, with Josh Hamilton stuck on the outside looking in, desperate to help Kayla with every fibre of his being but knowing there are certain things she has to figure out for herself. It absolutely had me and their scene around a backyard campfire is one of the year’s most touching.

This is a truly remarkable film that I think everyone should seek out but I’m especially excited for all the actual teenage girls who will get to watch this and feel seen. This isn’t about the popular kid, it isn’t about the dork who hangs out with his or her own band of misfits. This is about the true loner, that person trying everything to get noticed and still ending up invisible, that person trying to connect through the most disconnected means there is - the internet - and everything that comes with it. Learning that the version of yourself you ‘portray’ on a Youtube channel may act like they have all the answers but if you’re kidding yourself then how do you grow?

When I saw this in the cinema, I watched a mother take her seat with her two daughters, aged probably at around nine and twelve. Possibly a touch young for this, I thought, and I admit I cringed a bit on their behalf during some very adult trailers but in the end, I’m glad their mum decided they were mature enough to see this because a) they had a total blast and b) life simply IS R rated for the most part, especially during our school years, and those girls being able to see someone like Kayla have her story told on the big screen felt like a huge win. I honestly can’t wait to see what Burnham or Fisher decide to do next. 2019 has absolutely been their year... and it’s been a hell of a year.

#top 20 #films of the year #films of 2019 #10-1 #toy story 4 #the nightingale #the irishman #the last black man in san francisco #little women #booksmart #ad astra #avengers endgame #knives out #eighth grade

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doberbutts · 5 years ago

Text

Okay so this is going to get long and more than a little bit tmi but it’s a post summing up some strides I’ve made regarding my own transgender journey and I wanted a place to talk about it and maybe help some BabyTrans figure themselves out along the way so I’m putting it under the cut but it’ll go here >:V

Anyway long story short my insurance settlement from my car accident finally figured itself out and I found myself suddenly $30k richer and immediately spent about $10k of that digging myself out of a very deep debt hole I’ve been wallowing in for a while so now I have some actual financial stability plus have some money to throw at some things that would probably make my life a bit better.

And since I have the money to throw at some things, I bought myself a few new binders and also a packer. Binders because my old one was literally disintegrating- part of that is my fault, washing binders in an industrial machine on high heat plus throwing it in the dryer means your binder falls apart faster than it should. Remember I’m from the very end of Ye Olden Days of transmasc products, which means previously most binders lasted a year at most. My binder made it 2.5 years before giving up and becoming a sports bra instead. I’ve learned from my mistakes and treat my binder(s) much more gently now, plus I have more than one so I can rotate them out and not wear the same binder 8-12 hours daily for 2.5 years and kill it doing exactly the same shit.

For reference sake, I’m 5′10′’, 180lbs, 36C bust, and fit a XL from gc2b. Which is who I bought both my previous binder and my current set from. They are low cost, lightweight, well made, and LGBT-owned and operated which makes me super into buying from them instead of some of the other companies offering something similar.

Being that I am biracial and finding something my skintone is always somewhat... interesting... I followed the internet’s suggestion and went with PeeCock for the packer. I’d bought a zip binder from them a few years ago and actually found that to be the most comfortable binder I’ve ever used in the history of ever, but I will say the durability of zip binders is low compared to pull-over binders in my experience, as the zipper exploded one day when I bent down to pick up a small dropped item. I’d had the binder and was rotating its use with my pullover gc2b for about 6 months when this happened, and was in public when I went from flat chested to big uncontained tiddies in the span of seconds. Not great. I’ve been told that probably means it was a little too small for me, but PeeCock is a company based in Singapore, and their sizes like most East Asian clothing do run quite a bit small (I was a XXL in PeeCock sizes when I wore a size L gc2b binder) so there’s not really a lot of wiggle room for me to go up in size. Additionally their sizing taps out at XXXL so anyone who’s bigger than me in the chest/torso is a bit out of luck for their binders. A shame, because that zip binder was so comfortable I fell asleep in it forgetting I even had it on more than once.

Anyway. Since I did like that binder even though we had the wardrobe mishap, and the internet had pretty good reviews on the PeeCock packers because they are multifunctional and actually make correct skin tones for black dudes, I got one. Since money wasn’t an issue I did get the most recent model which was not cheap (~$300) and so far I like it a lot. I got so used to wearing it that when I take it off to clean it, it actually really bothers me. The weight of it is... comforting, in a way.

HOWEVER I did see a bunch of reviews about how I would be super likely to pee on myself the first time using it and then used it and went “wow I don’t have any idea what you guys are talking about this is easy” aaaaand... then peed on myself by accident. Gotta control your stream or things are going to overflow and you’re going to be really sad. And wet. And stinky. Thankfully I had the forethought to practice at home before actually doing this at work/public restrooms but be warned. Being that this is my first one I can’t say if this is common with all packers however I told several of my transmasc friends that do pack and use STP about this experience and they all assured me they did the exact same thing on and off for the first couple weeks and most of them do not have the same brand. We’ve yet to have a repeat at least?

Plus there’s a little attachment rod so I can use it for sexy times with the boyf and also feel what I’m doing to him so there’s that too. 10/10 A+ experience would recommend. The packaging warns you to be careful how you pack because of the way the silicone works, and your partner cannot be on top or ride you, so keep that in mind if you’re considering it. Cleaning is pretty straightforward however and packing feels correct and natural as long as you follow a few rules:

I’ve discovered that whatever size you consider a perfect fit? Unless you like really relaxed fit for your pants, you’ll need to go a size up. I wear tighter clothing and usually skinny jeans at that, and my exact perfect size has been 34/32 for some time now. When packing I need to go up to 36/32 because otherwise wow that crotch is way too tight. I can’t sit down in one of my pairs of jeans and I’m legit sad about it. I also can’t have anything in the pockets of a different pair of jeans or else I have the same tight crotch problem. I went up a size in underwear and that was more comfortable, so I ordered new pants from online and I’ll see if that helps as much as I’m expecting it too.

Speaking of underwear, ymmv, but I genuinely did not expect this. Jockstraps? Super comfy, super durable, and super convenient. Additionally unlike boxers or even briefs, I don’t need a special packing-specific design to be comfortable in one. I never wore one before and honestly this doesn’t even feel like wearing underwear. They’re really just a banana hammock anyway so that’s probably a large part of it, but honestly I would definitely recommend trying them if you haven’t yet. I do have a few pairs of packing briefs and boxers, as well as normal briefs and boxers, and I’ve been alternating between the various types of undies to see which ones I prefer, but I already know my decision so I bought several because I can. One word of advice, though... if your pants ride down understand that your entire butt will be out. I don’t wear low rise pants because they draw too much attention to my waistline and make me super dysphoric, but those that do, watch out.

Jockmail is highly rated and multiple transmasc websites recommend them for packing and I can absolutely see why. Usually the waistband of my underwear irritates my skin and so I was dubious because Jockmail stuff- being that it’s for athletic wear- has a minimum waistband of about 2in... but it’s actually more comfortable and less irritating, rather than the other way around. They also have briefs, boxers (more like short shorts), and boxer briefs, which I also have of the same brand, but... not as comfy. Once again Jockmail is a Hong Kong company so like all East Asian clothes, they run small. I’m a M in most men’s clothing sizes... I am XXL in Jockmail. I also had purchased a brief harness from PeeCock (goes by inches for waist) as well. (Also where I discovered you need to go a size up- I bought a 34in waist brief from PeeCock and it’s a tad tight. I bought a 36in waist brief from Jockmail and it’s perfect. I have been buying 34in waist things for the past few years now- I didn’t suddenly gain 2 inches at the waist, I did suddenly gain a need for a deeper crotch)

If you look down your body from above it will be super obvious that there is a dick there and you will go “oh god I look like I have an erection”. I have been reliably informed that it is actually not true and if you pack correctly a bulge will be there but not so obvious that it looks like you have a raging hardon the whole time. Better to look in the mirror, rather than down your tummy.

(Additionally I voiced my doubts to my boyf who immediately reminded me that most people don’t spend their time staring at someone’s crotch and as long as I wasn’t constantly messing with mine, no one was likely to notice even if I did have an obnoxiously obvious bulge. He then gave me some tips on how to let it hang if I wanted a “natural” look, and when we walked around while I had it on he made sure to check in on my mental health. He’s cute y’all.)

Some (cis) guys will have a specific leg they like to let things hang against. Some switch it up. Some are okay with it hanging straight down provided there’s not a lot of squish happening. Find what feel comfortable and needs the least amount of adjustment for you, and then stick with that. For me, I’ve found straight down or off to the left feels better- a friend of mine prefers off to the right, another straight down only, etc. Also can depend on the size- some (cis) guys I know are a bit smaller down below and are more comfortable with straight down than those with larger weiners.

If you pack you probably need to shave. I was very uncomfortable until I shaved. Now I feel much better packing. So trim that jungle or else you might feel a pinch every few minutes when a hair gets pulled.

And there you have me this morning before I got dressed. As you can see, both fit very nicely. I’m not particularly happy with my stomach or feminine hip set but eh, I cover those with layers and no one bats an eye.

At this point it’s figuring out the whole hormones thing, yelling at my insurance to cover certain surgeries, and... fixing some minor details with my wardrobe... and I’m feeling way more confident than I was a few years ago.

Anyway if anyone has questions feel free to hit me up

#text post #shut up jazi

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rpgsandbox · 5 years ago

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THIS BOOK IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS

This is no ordinary book. There are monsters inside! Yes, you got that right. Monsters exist and live with us. But don't be afraid, they aren't bad... at least not entirely.

Have you ever noticed that you might be missing socks or that you hear strange noises in the dead of night? You aren't absent-minded nor do the pipelines make noises. They're the Monsters of Darkness! But don't panic because there are brave detectives whose job is to catch them so they will stop bothering you. They are none other than the Monster Detectives.

What? Did I get that right? You want to be a detective too? Then this is your book! With Little Monster Detectives you can create a team with your friends and catch the monsters that scare you at night. Solve mysteries, get to know the Monsters of Darkness and prove how brave you are. But above all prepare to live a bunch of adventures and have a great time!

Welcome to the Monster Detectives Agency!

Little Monster Detectives is a Pen and Paper Roleplaying Game for kids. The game is about the Monster Detective Agency, children and grownups that investigate mysterious monster mischief. With simple and scalable rules and different game modes, Little Monster Detectives wishes to be the first roleplaying game for your kids.

The project's main goal is to obtain the necessary funds in order to print an English version and to share our excitement for this game with English-speaking kids and adults. Furthermore, this will be the first translation from the Spanish RPG publishing house Nosolorol. We want to share our game with players from all around the world.

Little Monster Detectives is a storytelling game. That is to say, it's a game where players create a story with their actions and the decisions they make during the game. When the game is over, the players will have created a new story where they have been the stars and creators. They choose the path to follow and what to do at every moment.

Just like other RPGs, this game encourages teamwork, there isn't a winner or loser, and you want to achieve the general well-being of the group. You learn to share, to respect others, to solve problems and to boost your imagination.

How to discover a monster!

Little Monster Detectives is a bestseller in Spain, with thousands of copies sold, and it has also been published in France as a huge success. Many roleplaying gamers of both countries are parents who love to play Little Monster Detectives with their children!

Little Monster Detectives is a game for children. Specifically, it’s a game to play with children. You love reading stories to your kids and you know how they like to question other aspects of the story and imagine different outcomes for the characters. They want to be involved in the story, change the ending and imagine what will happen next. Children are natural-born roleplaying gamers!

You can play Little Monster Detectives with children that are 5 or older. Of course, the game offers different rules and game mechanics to play with the youngest ones, who tend to have a short attention span and limited numeric comprehension. Older children, on the other hand, can take the role of Senior Detective (the Game Master of Little Monster Detectives) and guide their younger siblings and friends throughout the game.

This roleplaying game is mostly intended for children who are afraid of monsters that hide in houses. To help these children overcome their fears, we’ve created a game where they are the stars and they get to decide when and how they face these monsters.

Little Monster Detectives stimulates deductive thinking through the use of clues. Monsters always leave behind mischievous clues at the scene of the crime. Detectives must go there and investigate what happened. They will have to deduce which monster it is by finding clues and figure out the best way to catch the monster so it will stop causing trouble.

The use of star points and banners as a reward for good behavior and fair play (and of course, just for fun) is an aspect of the game that children love. These items are stickers that kids can put on their character sheets or wherever they want. This game promises we want to help with improve children's confidence and self-image.

The book itself is a guiding tool throughout the game. Little Detectives must look for monster information, tools and other information in the book and, this way, we can also work on their reading skills and encourage their love for books.

Little Monster Detectives is really easy to play, but the first times you play the game you might need a grownup’s help to play as senior detective.

You can see the sample pages by downloading the PDF of this link: http://bit.ly/LMD_Samples

What do you need?

3 six-sided dice

Detective contracts!

Monster tokens

A pencil and paper

Knickknacks and other stuff to dress up like a detective!

Are you the senior detective?

Then you are the Game Master in Little Monster Detectives. This is what you will have to do:

Help beginner detectives fill out their detective contract (Don’t worry, it’s really easy).

Choose the monster! You can create one with help from the book, choose one or roll 3 six-sided dice.

Read about the monster carefully (or define it) and think if you have to catch it, help it or find something it has lost. What could happen? If it’s a monster from the book, the pages will help you figure it out.

If you’re going to play sitting at a table, a map of the house might be a good idea. You can improvise one and draw it while the detectives explore it. If you’re not going to play at a table, you can direct it like a live action roleplaying game in your house or in any other safe location. The youngest detectives love to explore and run around!

Help the detectives by describing what is happening, about the clues they find or helping them solve situations. You will also have to set the pace of the game! And don’t forget about giving them a small scare.

Rolling the dice

When beginner detectives want to do something that has an uncertain outcome but is relevant to the storyline, they will have to roll 3 six-sided dice and take the average result, from lowest to highest. This depends on the situation, the help they are getting, the tools they have and if they are frightened. Normally, it’s enough to get a 4 or more.

Most children by age 3 won’t have trouble reading dice. From the age of 4, kids usually know how to order them and recognize which one is the lowest, the medium and the highest value. By the age of 5 they can read letters and a few syllables and by the age of 6 many can read the book and discover things about monsters on their own.

Fear-rate, Clues and Scares

As detectives find clues, they can solve them or link them to a little monster, which will help them avoid fear. If this isn’t so, the fear-rate will rise in the house and it will be easier for the detectives to be frightened when something strange happens. They can avoid fear by rolling the dice; it can be done with help from the rest of the group or Teddy the Super Stuffed Toy :)

Clues and scares are usually linked to the monsters. The Closet Monster has the habit of biting clothes, while the Attic and Basement Monster hides the broomsticks because he doesn’t like them one bit. With these clues and “The Book of the Monsters of Darkness”, detectives can figure out who is causing all this trouble!

Star points

Detectives will win banners related to their achievements, like the medal of courage, and stars that they can exchange for tools in the Agency. These will help them out in some situations!

Kickstarter campaign ends: Wed, October 23 2019 1:18 PM BST

Website: Nosolorol

#RPG #kickstarter #Little Monster Detectives #Nosolorol

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dailyaudiobible · 4 years ago

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12/02/2020 DAB Transcript

Daniel 9:1-11:1, 1 John 2:18-3:6, Psalms 121:1-8, Proverbs 28:27-28

Today is the 2nd day of December welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it’s great to be here with you today. Always remember this day would've been my father's birthday. I lost him a couple years before the Daily Audio Bible began, but I can assure you it's on his back that I stand. I don’t think that I would be able to do what I'm doing, I don’t think I would be able to do this had it not been for his guidance, his fathering me. So, yeah, happy birthday dad. And, so, we are moving through our new week and getting settled into our new month. And, so, let's put…put…put our foot forward and take the next step. We’re reading from the Christian Standard Bible this week. Today, Daniel chapter 9 verse 1 through 11 verse 1.

Commentary:

Okay. Let's talk about doubt for a second because that really is the…sort of the underpinning to what we read in first John in his letter today. People were falling away…were falling away from the church, walking away from their faith just kind of disappearing back into the fabric of the culture. This kind of thing doesn't usually happen without spiritual doubt preceding it. And where does that come from? Like, where does the dissonance come from that would lead us into doubt? Typically, it's…it's because we were expecting something that didn't happen that caused us to question and caused us to doubt in our faith, like expectations went unmet. We prayed, we believed, we stood on promises, we lived into something that we thought God was going to come through on and then somehow it's taken too long or it's not happening the way that we envisioned it and then we…well…we reveal to ourselves what our expectations were, but it also leads us to discontent and doubt and then we can be let into deception quite easily and pretty soon…pretty soon we’re…we’re stepping away, we’re disappearing into the wall work…we’re walking away. And sometimes when these things happen people are estranged from God. Like, they don’t just go, “well that didn't work.” They are angry at everyone who led them to God, and they are angry at God. They become anti-God or anti-Christ. This is what John is talking about. And I quote, “children. it is the last hour and as you have heard that antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come. By this we know that it is the last hour. They went out from us, but they did not belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; however, they went out so that it might be made clear that none of them belongs to us.” But why would they, whoever they are in…in this equation, why would they do that? Why would they depart? Why would they become anti-Christ? This is where we have to understand the context that we’re dealing with. The early church had an apocalyptic worldview and Jesus preached an apocalyptic message, as did Paul, as does the…basically the entire New Testament…have this apocalyptic worldview that everything is going somewhere, that…the world…that we are headed somewhere and that somewhere is ultimately good, but not before it's bad. So, an understanding that everything is headed somewhere but it's headed into a time of real turmoil and trouble upon the earth. Very, very difficult times. And then, as is the backdrop of the whole Bible, against all odds, then God comes through. It is only God that could save. It is only His mighty power. But this is what they're looking at. The thing about it is they're expecting this imminently. So, people come to faith as they are quickened and awakened by the Holy Spirit, they come to faith at the message of Jesus and they are told that His arrival and the restoration of all things and the establishment of the kingdom of God is imminent, this gonna happen very, very soon. So, people would come into the faith really understanding that they’re some of the first people to be in. This is like a…this is the ground floor opportunity in the kingdom of God, but instead of being respected and instead of things moving forward they instead received ridicule and they were persecuted and they were marginalized and it just…they didn't get what they were expecting when they were expecting it. And this is why John would say something like what he has. “They…they never really were with us. If they really ever had been with us they would've stayed.” And, so, John basically aims his pen at an essential truth. So, he’s trying to cut through all of the different arguments and all the different reasons for why people do the things they do, just cut to the chase and tells us who…who is the liar if not the one who denies that Jesus is the Christ. This one is the antichrist, the one who denies the Father and the Son. No one who denies the Son has the father. He who confesses the Son has the Father as well. So, John is clarifying this because some have fallen away and become antagonistic and become anti-Christ's, but also because some were falling away because…because there was a swirl, a cauldron of different kinds of teachings beginning to emerge. And John wants to speak to both of those things because the end result is the same, people falling away from their faith, falling away from what they had been taught at the beginning. And, so, John writes words that are very hopeful and very encouraging as we face doubt, as we face deception, as we face anything that would draw us away. He says, “I have written these things to you concerning those who are trying to deceive you. As for you, the anointing you received from Him remains in you, and you don't need anyone to teach you. Instead His anointing teaches you about all things and is true and is not a lie. Just as it has taught you, remain in Him.

Prayer:

Father, we certainly can find ourselves in some of these types of categories. We have been a person who has walked away into rebellion before. We have been people who have walked into doubt before in an unhealthy way. We have at times allowed ourselves to feel separation or estrangement from you because of unmet expectations, as if you owe us something. So, the letter that we are reading here may have come from a couple of thousand years ago and the recipients of this letter may have been from far back in history and perhaps we don't have the same culture that they did, but we…we certainly do find ourselves in the posture of heart that's being spoken of. And, so, we acknowledge. We owe you everything. There is no way to repay you for your goodness and for the gift of eternal life that you’ve bestowed upon us. And, so, we ask Holy Spirit that you would teach us, that you would lead us into all truth, that we would hold true to what we were taught from the beginning. We pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it’s the website, it’s where you find out what's going on around here.

And today…today I have my daughter China here in the studio to…to share some things that are going on around here, but just before we get to that. I want to play you something.

[China reading] This is the family history of Jesus Christ. He came from the family of David. David came from the family of Abraham. Abraham was the father of Isaac. Isaac was the father of Jacob. Jacob was the father of Judah and his brothers. Judah was the father of Perez and Sarah. Their mother was Tamar.

Brian - That is that is so profoundly sweet to me. That was more than half of China's life ago on her first day of reading the Bible out loud and recording it, the first day of Daily Audio Bible kids. So, it has been a year for the record books this year 2020 and sitting here with China and just talking about all of the transitions because it's been a hard year, but it's also been a really beautiful year and some…in…in the midst of it all some really, really beautiful things have happened in our family. Well China got married a couple of years ago but this year she finds herself like Mary, with child and she's laughing but she doesn't it want it to be on the mic

China – I can’t believe you just compared me to the virgin Mary.

Brian – Yeah, with child. You find yourself with child at this time of year. And, so, that's exciting because it’s Christmas time. But this coming spring it won’t be a pregnancy, it will be a baby, But without you having a baby, especially this being your first baby. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who are like not aware, this is baby girl

China – Yup.

Brain - This is a baby girl coming into our family and China was the only girl in a sea of boys growing up. And, so, to have another little girl running around in little dresses or whatever she's gonna run around in. I don't care check, She can run around in a diaper. That’ll be fine. But just to have her, that's gonna be new life in our family and I'm really excited. But you have been at this now since 2009.

China – Yeah

Brain - I remember we went to India together. I think it was in 2009 and you were just a little girl. I remember that. And coming out of that was an inspiration to do Daily Audio Bible kids, even launch that. That was your vision. That’s something that you felt led to do, even as a child. And, so, we did. So we started and more than half of your life now has been spent reading the Bible and recording it every day just like your dear old dad.

China – Yeah

Brain - And we’ve been like at this every day for all of these years. But it's unique for you because it really spans your childhood and you've been at this every single day. I don't know anybody else like you…

China – Yeah

Brain - …in that regard, and I'm proud of that and I'm proud of how wise you've become over those years. You…you let the Bible be a part of your childhood and your teenage years. Now you are with child with a husband and about to become a mother, which brings tremendous transition. And, so, we were talking a couple of months ago about those transitions and what they would be like and what you felt like you were going to need to live into motherhood well. And we talked about it then, but now we’re talking about it now. And, so, I feel like I'm doing all the talking here, but China is going to step away and take a breather from the Daily…and believe me…it is a big responsibility when you have a seven day a week thing that never ends. And she's been faithful to it, but in preparation for the new life in a whole new set of parameters that she…she's never experienced before, it’s just best for her to get ready for motherhood. And, so, as we and this year 2020, China will be stepping away from Daily Audio Bible Chronological and taking a break to be a mom and in her place will be Jill, China's moms goona kinda step into that that role and begin the daily broadcast for Daily Audio Bible Chronological, and I'm looking forward to seeing what that brings for her. But we wanted to honor you and we wanted to have you here. This is a good thing. We wanted to both be here saying this is…this is a good thing; this is what needs to happen. So, I just wonder, like 10 years, what’s it gonna be like the first day you don't have to do this.

China – Gosh, I don’t even know like what looks like because it is…it’s…when something becomes daily, when it’s your routine and a legit hard-core routine that isn’t just your 30-day routine that becomes over a decade

Brian - Right.

China - It’s like ingrained into you. You can’t even try to put your head on the pillow at night and be like we do something and needed to do today. Like like it had to of been done. And so thinking about not doing it is like wow that’s that’s like a on wiring almost.

Brian - Yeah

China - But really around Thanksgiving every year we’d be praying about the word for next year and what the word’s supposed to look like direction wise. And I heard the Lord say probably mid-June or July when you started asking what 2021 looks like. And I was like, oh that’s kind of a jump. And just felt like I was supposed to come to a halt. That’s all I kept hearing and I was very confused by it and sat with it for about a month, was praying on it was nervous about it. Like it’s a single word. We have never heard that before and then about a month later found out I was pregnant and kinda was like, “ah okay”. Yeah, the Lord was preparing me for that and so once we announced to my parents, you and mom, we’d been having that conversation. Really what it comes down to is you can’t do both well. And I have no idea, you know, what it’s like to be pregnant and I don’t know what it’s like to have a newborn and I don’t know that I could do both well. And, so, instead of sucking at one thing or both things I think…well…really the Lord knew what was needed was to take a step back. And I don’t really know…I know there’s probably some questions that the community might have and here’s the only one that I think…I think I can answer right now, is that I actually don’t know when I will come back. That is a pretty big question that the Lord hasn’t answered yet but as soon as that is made clear we will let you guys know.

Brain – Absolutely. Well, I mean, that was one of my first questions when we were having this conversation

China – Naturally

Brian - Just to…well…just to plan and pray into and understand what you’re thinking and just really did seem best to…why nail that down right this second. It's not necessary.

China – Yeah

Brian - This whole thing that we’ve been doing all of these years has been on faith basically

China – Yeah

Brian - Just being faithful every day, showing up every day. And, so, it's best that you show up for your daughter first…

China – Yeah

Brain - …as this gift and let mom kind of step into this role. She's equipped for it. It’s part of the rhythm of our family. And, so, super excited to see what that looks like and how that grows and morphs and becomes as…as she takes over for now.

China – Yeah

Brain - And then we’ll just…we’ll just see. The…the point is, you’re not gone.

China – Yeah. No. I have no intentions of like disappearing or vanishing where you hear that I'm pregnant and you never see or hear from me or been for our little one. It’s just necessary and this is I have to steward my family well in order to do that and not properly leave something every day. This is … This is the best and this is what the Lord has and it’s going to be good. So, it’s bittersweet and exciting. It’s all the things all the things.

Brain – Yeah. It's all of the things. And, so, we should all just sit with all the things. And, so, mainly I just wanted you to come on with me. We started like this.

China – Yeah

Brain - On day 1 all of those years ago, sitting together like this reading the very very first one when you were just a little girl with a sweet little voice. Now you're a grown woman and this has been the thread.

China – Yeah

Brian - Like since that day one you’ve never stopped. This has been the thread up until now. And, so, I want to honor that because I don't know anybody else in the world like that, that’s been able to, through their childhood, record the Bible and I…I think that's unique and a beautiful thing that has shaped your life. And, so, we’re just honoring you for all of these years and looking forward to years to come. I don't know whether you gonna have one baby and then come back or whether you’re gonna build a whole family…we don't know.

China – Yeah

Brian – and that's fine. We just don't know those things.

China – Yeah

Brian – And, so, we’re just gonna do what we've always done and just live by faith.

China – Yeah

Brian - And trust that any kind of major pivots that the Lord is gonna have us do, that He's not gonna thrust them upon us, he’s gonna tell us

China – Yeah

Brian - And lead us as He always has throughout this ministry. And, so, thank you China. You have no idea…I mean you get told it and I get told it. You have no idea the hundreds of thousands of people that know your voice that have traveled the Bible together with you over these years. And, so, I remember…I mean…I got…after you announced you were pregnant I got a letter or not a letter…it was an email of somebody that was…I told you about it…they were sending it to you and it was somebody who had grown up with you…

China – Yeah

Brian - …that was right around your same age and who remembered being a kid with you going through the Bible as a kid and they were still around and still a part of keeping the rhythm of the Bible in their lives. So, you have made a profound difference in so many lives and now there's one life, one life, your baby girl that you're going to make an irreversible difference in her life. And, so, we’re excited to send you off to do that knowing that you're…you’re just down the road.

China – Yeah

Brian - And you're not planning to be a stranger around here. And, so, when the babies born, we’re gonna hear about it and probably be able to hear about it right directly from you.

China – Yeah

Brain – And, so, we’re looking for to that. But we just wanted to make this announcement together, that this is…that this is the right thing.

China - Yeah

Brian - Transitions are always disruptive and not always easy but necessary

China – Yeah

Brain - And this is a necessary one so that you can focus on the things that really, really do need to be focused on because this is a first go around.

China – Yeah

Brian – And, so, super excited for that and super…super excited for the future, whatever that might be. We just want to honor and thank you for all of these years.

China - it’s a pleasure seriously such an honor and a pleasure to be in people’s headphones or cars or workplaces, schools, bedrooms, kitchens, all…all of that. You can’t take it lightly. If you did then you would be doing it for 10 years plus.

Brian – Yeah

China - so it’s a big deal.

Brian – Yeah

China - and I’m grateful

Brian – we’re all grateful and we thank you. And there are no goodbyes in the Daily Audio Bible. There's only until we meet again's. And with China you can be sure that you’ll meet her again down the path.

Prayer:

Father, we bless China today and we thank you for all that she has done to bring your spoken word to anyone who will listen to it anywhere on this planet any time of day or night, and to build community around that rhythm so that we know are not alone. That has been the mission you've given us and she has carried that mission with integrity and wisdom beyond her years the whole time. And, so, as we prepare to move into new seasons, we just pray your blessing upon her and Ben and upon this new baby girl that we just cannot wait to see. And I pray…pray over her from the Daily Audio Bible, I pray over her speaking for the community, but I pray over as her father that You would instruct her, that You would guide her, that you would protect her, that you would direct her and that she and Ben and their family be sealed in Christ all the days of their lives walking with you into the great unknown that is life and I pray this, we all pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

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eriisaam · 5 years ago

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Ten for Ten for Ten

AFKL:jafklasfjj I have been summoned by @arlithenerd

(Just kidding thank you, now here’s hoping I did this right haha)

My responses will be posted under the cut (cuz I’m a wall of text monster and don’t know how to do read mores mid-post), but in the spirit of the meme, I’ll move my own 10 questions up first, and the tags at the bottom of it.

Now let’s see what to ask, UUUH...

1) Is there a character you really, really like? Could be waifu/husbando, could be just someone you really resonate with.

2) How about OCs? Is there an OC you’re really fond and/or proud of?

3) What’s your most favorite character trope, and what’s your least favorite? (Example tropes: Jerk with a Heart of Gold, Beware the Nice Ones, Amnesiac Hero, etc)

4) Now what’s your most and least favorite plot trope? (Examples: Rags to Riches, Hurt & Comfort, specific AUs, etc)

5) To complete the Trope Trifecta: What tropes do you most or least like in terms of character design (Examples: Capes, futuristic or fantasy style, how practical they are, how complex or simple they are, etc)

6) What are you the most proud of? (Like, something you made or an achievement)

7) Who/What has been your biggest inspiration? (Like an artist or celebrity, a fandom, maybe something you read or watched growing up, etc)

8) When you want to relax, what’s your go-to way to chill? What immediately calms you?

9) Any favorite myths, legends, folklore or themes you really like? Or what kind of theme or element would immediately draw you in to a new series if they have it?

10) How merciful or evil will you be with your 10 questions you’re giving? (Heheheheh)

And now to subject all of you to these questions, but especially you: @mdzs-tgcf-svsss-fanblog @miss-laney @moanderfe @abenignsmile @okamiryuu @flowerytrashpotato @milli-and-chika819 @littlemissdash @grimastiddies @avistella (kidding, join in if you want, tag or no. Or don’t, even when tagged. It’s all cool, no pressure~ I have no idea who to tag and/or who is chill about being tagged for something like this, I’m sorry orz)

1) a personality trait that most people wouldn’t know about you (if you feel comfortable with sharing of course!)?

I’m kinda self-defeating. I tend to think of the worst about what I do as default and have to ease eventually to the idea what I did turned out at least ok afterwards. It’s still a mindset I’m learning to work on, though it trickles in from time to time.

2) what are you most passionate about?

Creating.

|’Dc Broad answer, I know, but more specifically, I love a lot of creative hobbies, and it’s hard to narrow it down to any specific one since I love them in different moods and different reasons. Things like writing, drawing(/spriting), textile things like sewing or crocheting or origami... It’s easier to say I like the core theme of knowing you made something, and it exists because of you, and “you did this” kind of feeling.

3) what is your favorite flavor profile? (sweet, spicy, sour, umami, bitter, etc)

Sweet! Depending on the food and my mood, I also like sour and spicy things, but I tend to gravitate more to sweetness with less fussiness of how so.

4) favorite series/franchise (from any medium) and favorite character within that series/franchise?

Oh gerd, there’s a bit, but in a vague attempt to narrow it down that let’s face it, I know I’ll fail, UUUH...

Fire Emblem (particularly Fates and Heroes) - I love both of them for just how easy it is to generate ideas for. It’s funny because I realize it’s admittedly taking a lot of things that frustrate or disappoint or leave me hanging with either games that I end up liking the two most by virtue for how many ideas it paves way for in terms of headcanons or fanworks or the like. I do like things on their own merits as well, but I think the “I wish things could’ve been better/elaborated on, and therefore I will create things based on that!” side to it was what made me appreciate them more (probably not exactly for the best reasons, but! It’s a thing.) In terms of favorite characters, there’s a ton inside and out of just these two games, but I’ll give the honorable mention to Summer Takumi specifically, because the paralogue he (among others) was released in came at a critical point in my personal life that had some effects on me that, tl;dr, led to me commiting to making this blog, and making more art in public, and eventually writing fanfics in public too.

Pokemon - Was basically my childhood and went a long way into starting the first spark of a lot of the kind of hobbies I end up growing up and obsessing over/enjoying. Things like giving me a massive interest in coding and programming along with glitches and unused beta elements, or how it’s where I got my start in art back when I was little and trying to figure out how to do pokemon fusion sprite edits. I’d probably say my favorite character is a tie between Missingno and Celebi (in case the former doesn’t really count), the former for just how varied it is and being the main part of why I love how game coding works while being a gateway to beta content interests, and the latter for sentimental reasons spanning all throughout the entire time I followed the fandom game-wise.

Animal Crossing - It got me through ups and downs, it made up a chunk of nostalgia since the first game up to New Leaf (no switch, so now New Horizons, oh wellz), and I had a lot of memories both fond and low-key terrifying otherwise all throughout. I got a lot of favorites among villagers and NPCs otherwise, but if I had to narrow it down to one each:

I love Whitney for being the only snooty-type villager back when I played Wild World who was surprisingly kind to me (and I’m sad I no longer have the original cart and imagine she long since moved out anyways probably), and so she gave me an experience pretty similar to Ai’s own experience with Whitney in the movie.

NPC-wise, I’m going to go with Sable (it was a really tough choice!) for the fact that in every game, she was among the first instances you can get to know a villager so closely that she was willing to explain to you more and more of her character. Usually in many of the games, once her arch is finished, she no longer elaborates on her life and goes right back to talking generally, but if it wasn’t enough that it was among the first times you see how her demeanor changes from ignoring or staying quiet with you, to going out of her way to find things to chat with you, it was also the memories she explained once you start befriending her.

5) how have your closest family members and/or friend(s) impacted your life?

I consider friends more as family than my actual family (to put it vaguely and/or kindly, my actual family did few to no favors for me). My closest friends have picked me up when I fell (multiple, multiple times), and they were much of why I’m still here, doing what I can. I owe the world to them...

6) if you could be anything (any job, other person, type of animal or beast, literally anything aside from what you are now) what would it be?

A multi-billionaire Maybe someone who shapeshifts. The possibilities with that are endless.

7) favorite beverage?

Coffee. There’s quite a lot of drinks I really love, but coffee is the most easily accessible for me.

8) i know this is a generic one but favorite subject/class you’ve taken?

Arts & Crafts and Computers, give or take. Pity they’re usually the least important for grades and also the shortest class semesters of the year.

9) early bird or night owl?

I’m heavily inclined to be a night owl, which is unfortunate, because I’m in a place constantly forcing me to be an early bird.

10) favorite meme?

I’m completely in love with memes of cat pictures where cats have expressions that are beyond words, yet represents big moods all the same. If I had to narrow it to one specific meme, however...

My heart will always be with Anfisa. Aka Angry Cat No Banana.

#Tag and ye shall receive #but srsly thanks #Also if you get tagged and don't want to do this then again no worries sorry

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