#i cannot keep everyone alive
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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hi fellow neurodivergent people
i hate to jump on the "i think i might have adhd" bandwagon, but if i think i might have adhd, how do i bring it up to my care team as a 28-year-old cis woman who was a massive overachiever until i couldn't keep up the ruse anymore?
#idk what happened when i got laid off it seriously is like my brain BROKE i cannot do anything#i have not done much of anything in a year. and i think it's bc my coping mechanisms were 1. self-medicate but ESPECIALLY do that while#2. overcommitting. because it kept me busy and distracted. i excelled in school because i could focus on it without it giving me anxiety#school was honestly almost the only thing that didn't give me anxiety as a kid. and i never felt quite Right like i didn't feel like i fit#in with my peers. i've always felt like a human being that isn't a person. like something's not quite right. i excel but i feel like i'm#doing it wrong because it's SO hard for me. i graduated my BA and BS programs with a 4.0#but it came with the cost of alienating all of my friends and family and becoming really reclusive and weird and distant and anxious#but i really just wanted to do well at the one thing i felt i was good at. which doesn't seem like something i should take note of#idk. my life feels like a claustrophobic box. i feel like i'm buried alive and i can't get myself out because i can't work#because i can't focus. but maybe i'm just stupid and lazy and want everyone to take care of me forever so i can continue laying around doin#fuck all. which i do a lot because i'm chronically ill. idk. like is there ground to stand on here. i literally have zero friends rn#and i feel so so so sos so anxious any time i am working because i worry i'm going to do something wrong or forget to do something or make#lots of mistakes that get me in trouble. i'm so scared of making mistakes it keeps me from doing anything at all. but i get so anxious bc#i'm not doing anything! i'm wasting time! and i can't focus on anything when i AM working because i have to get up and pace#like i HAVE to move around or i start to feel like i need to peel my skin off like i'm an orange#like. is it anything at all. or is this just me being someone who has Other Stuff going on
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#after a bus to a plane to a train to the underground to the room im staying in...im back in london#my calves are in their own personal layer of hell and my feet hate me but I HAD SO MUCH FUCKING FUNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also??? the guys i shared a hostel with???? were so fucking hot oh my god. there were 3 guys and me which i wasn't. expecting. BUT.#the one in the bunk above me was australian and he was nice enough to give me a usb port thing for my phone and i think#i think i fell in love with him he was so prettyyyyyyyyyyyy#never got his name. but ill remember him and his charger fondly#he even let me keep it which was super sweet#but my birthday is in 2 days and then next week is edinburgh and my TATTOO!!!!!!!!#cannot express how much is happening and how happy i am i genuinely dont think ive been this excited about life in. at least a decade.#i dont want this trip to end and i know i still have like 2 weeks but i dont want to GOOOOOO#but also i DOOOOO bc then i have BRASIL with my grandparents and im just FGBHJK<JHBGVBHNJ#sometimes i cannot believe this is my life but like then i remember the shell of a human being i was just a year ago and im like.#no ya know what i deserve this.#anyway yes im alive and now i need to go pass the fuck out. miss you all im sorry to everyone i still need to reply to. i havent forgotten.#and i will do it!!!!!!!!! but time is hard. for obvious reasons. hope you are all well and im sending everyone kisses ilyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!#personal
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thinking about a fantasy tonaegiri au where byakuya claims to be a descendant of dragons (but looks almost completely human) and kyoko looks human but is actually some kind of homunculus/artificially made being (has some funny things going on vis a vis her organs and internals) and makoto is a totally normal guy who thinks he has a totally normal boyfriend and girlfriend
#tonaegiri#byakuya togami#kyoko kirigiri#makoto naegi#my thoughts#this is the one where makoto enrolls into a school by chance and ends up in magic beast academy#but everyone looks almost like a normal human so he just accepts it and moves on#he thinks everyone is a chuunibyou when they try to explain it and they dont go into detail or correct him either so. its just like that#kyoko: i have no real blood inside. i cannot bleed. my heart is a furnace that eternally burns to keep me alive#byakuya: i have the blood of dragons in my veins and scales worth thousands of dollars#makoto: ahaha wow guys that's very cool :) youre so creative
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i think it fucks immensely that bk moon went out of his way to 1) establish rakiel wished to live a long life and eventually pass away of old age, 2) have him very briefly envy an immortal being only to be told very clearly to be careful what he wishes for by that very same person because living forever isn't all it's cracked up to be, 3) make the main antagonist be another immortal being who is so desperate to die he's willing to destroy the universe just to finally rest and 4) have said antagonist psychologically torture rakiel with the threat of making him live for a thousand years as everyone he loves and knows eventually grows old and dies and becomes nothing but forgotten memories.
only to then end the novel by making rakiel also immortal
like. god. it's so fucking good i love it. i'm not being sarcastic i genuinely think it fucks and it's one of the best ways bk moon could've wrapped up the plot.
it's a happy ending by all means but it has consequences and through the entire novel we've been shown and told over and over again just how heavy the consequences are and/or will be on rakiel.
he got his happy ending but it was at a price and by the last time we see him he's only just starting to pay for it.
it's great i love it
#i talk a lot <3#cpsm#cpsm spoilers#rakiel magentano#i also think it's funny that this puts bk moon in the very awkward position when it comes to his 'romance' with adeline#because either rakiel allows her to remain human and sees her grow old and eventually die just like acheros threatened him with#(and like he will do with absolutely everyone he loves anyway <3)#or he keeps her alive and frozen in time just like acheros wanted to do with him forcing her to be cut off from the world#in most ways that matter and see the people she loves grow old and die. again. just like acheros threatened to do with him :)#like. either way. the situations sucks for them <33#i do think it's cheap if he can make her immortal without it being a big deal. because. why wouldn't it be.#it would be absolutely broken if absolutes can just. make people immortal for funsies whenever they want. that would be bad writing.#but again i also think it's cheap that he made alicia an angel for no other reason than bc someone needed to remind us lloyd is married#to a woman actually. like. she doesn't even do anything why did you ruin the absolute tragedy that is being an immortal being surrounded#by very mortal humans just to make awful 'my wife is annoying' jokes. i hate you.#sigh. it's lose/lose when it comes to women with this man and his choices.#either they're fridged to make his male characters sad or they become the butt of misogynistic jokes. i cannot fucking win.#ANYWAY. do i think any of this was on purpose? maybe idk i certainly hope so and want to believe it is because otherwise it would be#too much of a coincidence but like. this is also the man who wrote a character very explicitly and clearly wishing to live a quiet life#with his family in his middle-of-nowhere estate where nothing ever happens with no contact at all with royalty and court#so he can laze about and do absolutely nothing. and then married him to a queen who cannot stand lazy people and squeezes the last bit#of talent of everyone around her. and he saw nothing wrong with this. so like. i genuinely cannot tell with this man sometimes 🙃🙃
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having shrimp emotions abt the end of shb again
#the nemesis speaks#swift plays ff14#ffxiv spoilers#for the tags i'm sure i'll say something spoiler-y here#anyways AAAHGUGH.... wailing sobbing etc...#the way you fight HADES and not emet-selch at the end...#the way it's a climactic epic clash and a battle over the right to history#but it's ALSO the two of you kicking and screaming against an end that seems inevitable#his facade falling away piece by piece bc it's been so long and he's so tired and WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO MUCH#AND WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET HIM WIN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE-#and he's so ANGRY at you for daring to 1) exist and 2) not side with him#the fact that he was friends with azem AND venat and they're both dead or functionally dead now#and you are alive and you carry their legacy and you DARE to keep defying him. (THEY keep defying him.)#it's best for everyone. he wants them back. why won't they let him fix it.#he's ssooooooo.#and then ardbert i could write a whole second fucking tag essay about HIM. everything to me.#anyway. i cannot in good conscience tell anyone to play shb bc you have to slog through a lot of ''just okay'' mmo content to get there#and also it spensive kinda#but WAUGH i wish ppl saw my VISION
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trying to focus on projects as much as I can
#because if I don't I'm going to bike yo the river at 3 am again and drown myself#everything is so fucking overwhelming 300% of the time#I'm done trying to be okay#I'm done pretending I don't want to kill myself 100% of the time on some level#I'm not okay. I've never been okay#I've wanted to die since I was like 12 and it's not ever going to go away#and I'm not going to stop cutting because honestly I like it. I like the blood and the pain#and trying to keep myself from doing it just ends in a big blowup where I shred every inch if our thighs and arm or cut too deep#sorry I'm an insane asshole and make everyone worry all the time but I cannot fucking keep trying to be better#like I can't keep pushing myself to be better. I have to focus on keeping us alive#sorry if it gets ugly again. it will happen again#but we'll survive
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started playing wakfu with bf and its so fun !! he's a little mechanical guy that uses clock magic or something, and i'm a bright orange were-hyena and so he buffs me and does ranged shenanigans and i do BIG WHAMMIES up close :33
#mrowr.txt#i can deny it no longer..... i play tanks#i cant STAND playing ranged clases like. ever#ive TRIED#i can manage melee dps things like rogues or whatnot#but i just cannot ranged. or heals tbh#im a close up bulky tank through and through. i wanna hack n slash#everyone else stay behind me and keep me alive :33
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no one has ever followed me for my ffxiv posts which amuses me a little. yeah i am definitely more normal about gintama & dragon age but i also have a lot more negative opinions about both. so that's funny
#i do have my negative opinions of ffxiv tho like the big thing theyre clearly working on that used to be really bad (societies)#its good theyre working on it but i wish arr could be rewritten in a way that keeps the story bits & makes everyone less um. racist#bc whoa doing arr quests now is like. what the fuck are all of you saying. why would you say that.#i also have writing decision criticisms. such as the many women who die when they really didnt have to#so many women just die after getting to be cool for one moment. girl bring ysayle back im not done with her yet#shes still alive. to me. yotsuyu as well. i cannot be swayed#welcome to my awesome women survive timeline sadly theyre not the only ones who survive but they do survive#dont worry about the ascians in the corner im reforming them
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anyone want to pull an edna pontellier with me
#we realize that we're alive individual people with agency and sensations we can pursue but are trapped by societal expectations (originally#Heavily gendered but this was also like 150 years ago) but we cannot give up our newfound selves for the sake of our children like we're#supposed to so we strip naked on a beah like a newborn animal bare before god for the first time and swim out and drown#spoilers for 'the awakening' i guess sorry#to put this is modern terms does anyone want to pull a brian david gilbert 'and now i am going to throw myself into the sea' with me but we#don't come jogging soggily up the beach towards the camera at the end we just actually drown#sorry to once again be sad on main i just. i cannot keep having the same breakdown every 3 months! every quarter i have to re-realize 'oh i#probably don't actually want to die i just cannot in any circumstances keep living like this' and then i keep living like this#i am so tired. i am so fucking tired of effort not meaning anything bc i try and try and try and i still can't turn anything in#finals posting#anyway edna and adèle should've kissed who's with me. adèle comes over and watches edna's kids while she's out gallivanting and recognizing#her personhood like a good little wife but she also is the first person to welcome edna im and like connect personally with her? edna is a#lesbian but she died before she realized that was an option. hot take.#whatever i hope everyone has a fun and safe st. paddy's#a post
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#why are things that are normal and easy for everyone else so hard for me? why can't i function like everyone else?#i know it's because of the mental disorder i take medication for and ive even gotten better but. i legitimately cannot keep living like thi#my life is objectively so wonderful. i have so many opportunities#but i can't persue any of them bc i have the brain of a rat being hunted by starving cats who can only focus on staying alive#trash posts
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Twitter is so depressing to look at rn. It's so wild to see so many people advocate for genocide while either being so fucking dumb or just genocidal
#like jesus christ#and its tweet after tweet of people i follow defending palestine quoting tweets from one of the most vile person alive#it just makes me so mad#i explained the conflict (to put it in a word bc its just colonialism and genocide) to my mom and she was like omg thats terrible#and she is not the mkst agreeable you know#so imagine what kind of person can get behind that#the propaganda is either too powerful. they just dont care. or they are just genocidal racists#and everyone just keeps saying ooh so youre antisemetic. like the fact you read israel as jewish people is on you (that is not true also)#ahdkahdka#cannot get in there i swear#talking tag#tw genocide#<- if its worth anything?#cw genocide#just realised hiw first world suffering this post is#oh twitter the app i can close on my phone is so bad bc people are dying :( when people are in fact dying#well
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currently having a hamilton moment .
#relistened to the full soundtrack. rewatched the proshot (not on D+ dw). im ill#yes its problematic dw I KNOW I KNOW. but it is my problematic fav and i will not lie to you and say i dont love this shit to my core#this shit makes me fucking batshit insane it is srsly a fucking masterpiece#dont get me started or i will talk about it for 5 trillion years. the fucking DETAILS MAN. IN EVERYTHING#THE MOTIFS IN THE MUSIC. THE VISUALS AND CHOREOGRAPHY AND BLOCKING. THE STORYTELLING#i cannot name a single other piece of media that is SO fucking cohesive in how everything relates to everything and everything#always comes back but changes in little ways and its all so circular and. GAHHHHHHHHHH im seriously goingto lose it#i feel like i notice something new every time its crazy. how did i never realize the emphasis on ''time'' when the full cast sings it in#the very beginning lined up directly parallels how they put emphasis on ''time'' in who lives who dies who tells your story#and dont get me fucking started on burr. oh my god. i could talk for YEARSSSSSS about his character and how well written he is and how#he and hamilton parallel each other and how their duel looms over the entire musical like its an unescapable prophecy.#''we keep meeting'' EVERYONE DIE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyways. sorry. i need to be put down. bye#serena.txt#also i can still remember the exact time phillip's heart stops in stay alive reprise despite it having been like 2 years#<- what does this say about society.
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thing is i dont even think zero would care if you were like ackshually I LOVED zen0s and he was my best friend you bitch She'd probably like okay. Don't care that doesn't explain anything to me. but well im already hitting people on the street with cinder blocks over it in a like Are we acting like the wol here would the wol say that
#i feel like since shb the wol has come alive and is running away from people's hands in ways I both like and dislike and this goes#for everyone too and we should just let it be. you cannot have a total grip on this creature forever in a story this long and linear#<- says this but will also be mad if they keep up with thee-s is your reason to adventure thing#but also i think holding your tongue in this specific instance and letting zero figure things out on her own is like#far less personal and more sensible
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kill the rapist not the baby
Kill the guilty not the innocent
My all time favorite protest sign
#Someone who cannot choose how to live#Be alive#It was only the rapists choice in that instance#Rape is hard#I do see why women wouldn't want their rapists baby#But#I would keep mine#Life is life#I'm not going to beat up on rape victims at all tho#But everyone is TOO flippant with unborn lives.#You don't own them.
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sigh
#call me stupid the way i want to believe people at their word and then find myself disappointed when suprise!!! it was all a bunch of talk#call me stupid the way i will do it over and over and over again and then wonder why im miserable!!!#oh boy!!!#fuck#this is my fault inevitably for getting my hopes over nothing every single time#i just want to die in a hole and never talk to anyone ever again#its not like anything i say will get through to them anyways#its not like anything i say fucking matters anyways ive learned that too many times over at this point#i just dont want to try anymore#im so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time to get crumbs#and then the moment im upset about anything is about how everyone else feels about that#like fuck off please let me have something#god#im so tired of being alive and no one cares and i am expected to keep living with that#like the way my ex does more to hangout with me than anyone else currently#i run errands. i go to work. i sleep. im alone most of the time. my roommates grace my presence when they arent dealing with their own shit#i watch youtube and cook dinner with them and then i dont see them unless theyre unconcious or leaving to go to work#i dont have any friends#people dont text me#when i text people they dont even respond#i am alone with my thoughts too often and then i just get to sit here and try to stop myself from spiraling and do something stupid#im always doing something stupid#like this this is fucking stupid and pointless and fuck just shut the fuck up already#rips my my fucking brain stem out god#i cannot be in this fucking house right now with myself
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