#i can’t explain how mad i am rn

[wondershopett]

my mother just wants me to hate her huh

[auras-moonstone]

Hii! Could you please write an ethan fic based off the ybwm music video but y/n and ethan are childhood bestfriends and but doesnt notice her until prom? ALSO IM LISTENING TO 1989 TV RN AND ITS SOOOO GOOD

been here all along — ethan landry

word count: 3,306

pairing: ethan landry x fem!reader

summary: ethan and y/n had been best friends since they were little, but y/n, unbeknownst to ethan, has always been i love with him. it isn’t until prom night that he finds out.

warnings: none!

Y/N WAS STUDYING ON HER DESK WHEN SHE SAW HER BEST FRIEND’S SILHOUETTE THROUGH HER WINDOW. Ethan threw himself to the bed, lying on his back as he tiredly rubbed his face with the hand that wasn’t holding his phone to his ear. He felt eyes on him, so he turned around and saw the girl staring at him with a worried expression. He smiled instantly and, after hanging up the phone, he went to grab a small board and a marker.

hey, creep, he showed her the careless handwriting with a smirk.

Y/N stuck her tongue out before grabbing her own board. you okay?

i’m fine, he replied with a shrug and a forced smile.

Y/N arched an eyebrow, i know you better than that.

His shoulders slumped, can i hang out with you for a while?

always. back door is open!

Less than five minutes later Ethan entered her room and plopped down on her bed, resting his head on his hand. Y/N noticed his eyes were a bit red and had dark bags under them, and yet he continued to be he most gorgeous human she had laid her eyes on.

“What’s wrong?” she asked softly, resisting the need to run her fingers through his wet brown hair.

“Coach killed us at practice today. My whole body hurts.” he mumbled.

“And…” she urged him to go on, knowing that was not it.

Ethan sighed. “I hate that you know me so well.” he groaned. “I fought with Mila.”

“Again.” she added, trying to hide her bitterness.

Mila and him had been dating for a couple of months, and she had managed to turn the ray of sunshine that Ethan used to be into a person who was always tired and in a gloomy mood. She had completely brought him down.

People at school loved the couple. And, on the outside, they seemed perfect. Ethan was the captain of the hockey team and the most good-looking boy at school, and Mila was the cheer captain and most good-looking girl at school—perfect pairing, right? On paper, yes.

But Y/N had the disgrace of witnessing most of their fights and the toxicity that filled the air whenever they were together. At the beginning, they had a normal relationship but eventually, the attention got the best of Mila and she turned into a controlling, jealous girlfriend who was also obsessed with painting the perfect image.

“Yeah… this time it was about prom.” he scoffed.

“What about it?”

“She came to practice and said we had to go buy her dress and my suit. Then she wants me to take fucking dancing classes because everything needs to be perfect and I can’t mess it up with my dance moves.”

“She’s going to have to buy tons of oil bottles for that. The Tin Man from Wizards of Oz can move better than you.”

Ethan laughed and threw her a pillow. “You’re such an asshole.”

Y/N smiled like the Cheshire cat. Ethan had no idea that his smile could practically light up the whole town, and it made her furious that Mila managed to take that away. Ever since they started dating, Ethan very rarely smiled around others.

“Anyways, the thing is I refused to do that. You know how tired I am after practice, and she got pissed and wouldn’t let me leave. I ended up holding back hockey practice and coach was furious.” he explained. “Then, after practice, she called and silly me thought—nice, she is going to apologize, but no. She wanted to see if I’d changed my mind. And that made me mad, so we started fighting about her interrupting practice and how furious she would be if I were to find her during cheer practice. Then she started yelling and I just hung up because my head fucking hurts.”

Y/N watched with sad eyes. What was he doing with a girl like that? She clearly didn’t care about him. “I’m sorry about your psycho of a girlfriend. You deserve better” she said, and he gave her a small smile. “There’s Tylenol on my drawer and the bottle is filled with water.”

“Thanks. You’re the best, did you know that? Being with you is lately the only thing that makes me feel at peace.”

“I love you, Eth, and I’ll always be here.”

The boy grabbed her hand and pulled her into his chest, hugging her tightly. “I love you, too.” he placed a kiss on the crown of her head. “Can I stay over?”

“Of course.”

Ethan fell asleep quickly, contrary to Y/N, whose thoughts kept her brain working like crazy. Ethan’s sweet words about her making him feel at peace should be heartwarming, but instead it made her heart hurt. Why couldn’t he see her the way she saw him? The way he saw Mila. Why couldn’t Ethan see that she was dying to be in Mila’s place and that he deserved so much better than her?

Ethan deserved to be with someone who treated him like he hung the moon, and instead he was settling for someone who overwhelmed him and brought him down, someone who cared more about what other people said than about his feelings and happiness. It made Y/N both sad and angry, and she prayed he would wake up and see he was worth more.

ETHAN ENTERED HIS ROOM AND DRAGGED HIS FEET TOWARDS HIS BED. He wanted to take a long nap and disconnect from the world, ignoring all the things that were overwhelming him lately. He wanted those feelings to be gone, he needed a good sleep and a good cry. And as if God had heard his prayers, the problems evaporated once his eyes caught sight of his best friend dancing around her room without a care in the world. He crossed his arms and watched with a smile, waiting for her to notice.

The girl stopped as soon as she felt eyes on her. Frowning, she quickly scribbled something on her blackboard.

i don’t do shows for free, quit looking

Laughing, he wrote back, what kind of shows do you do? i’m interested.

Y/N pretended to throw up and replied, i’m calling 911 pervert. And as he shook his head, she quickly wrote something else. you look stressed. wanna talk about it?

And as every afternoon, Ethan ended up sprawled on his best friend’s bed with her lying beside him. “First of all, I broke up with Mila.” he started, and Y/N’s heart stopped.

She tried her best not to smile at that, and managed to mutter “I’m sorry about that.”

Ethan shrugged, “It’s fine. We both know we weren’t really invested in that relationship. I’m stressed because she was furious, screaming something about ruining her chances of being prom queen and disappointing the school by our break-up.”

“And you feel bad about it.” Y/N stated, knowing him like the back of her hand.

“A little bit. I mean, I don’t get it, but prom is important to her for some reason. And now she needs to find another date.”

“That won’t be a problem, though. She’s literally the most gorgeous girl in school.”

“She’s not the most gorgeous girl in school.” he said, but quickly shook his head and moved on. “But it’s us who they want. Ethan and Mila, not Mila and some other guy.”

“Well, if it makes you feel so bad, you should go with her.” Y/N said out loud as her inner voice called her stupid in different languages.

Ethan frowned. “I don’t want to get back with her. And I thought you hated her.”

“I don’t hate her.” she argued.

“I heard you said you’d like her to recreate Regina George’s bus scene.” Ethan said, trying not to laugh at the guilty face she made.

“Look, everyone has intrusive thoughts.” she defended herself and Ethan bursted out laughing. “I’m not proud of it. But, moving on, I’m not telling you to get back with her, but just be her date to prom and then go your separate ways. We’re leaving for college soon, anyways.”

“I suppose you’re right.” he nodded. “That’s another reason why I’m stressed, college.”

“What about it?”

“I’m scared.” he confessed

“Why? Eth, you’re an stellar player. Lots of colleges already told you they’re interested.”

“I’m not scared of not getting into any college. I’m scared that we won’t end up in the same one.” he explained. And his eyes got glossy by just thinking about Y/N not being part of his every day life.

They had known each other since forever. They grew up together and it was in his plans to continue to grow alongside her. She was his person, and he knew he was her person too. She was his other half, he wasn’t complete without her. He rolled his eyes everytime he heard someone say that ‘we are our own person and it was wrong to believe someone complemented you’. He thought that was bullshit. Him and Y/N complemented each other and their lives wouldn’t be the same if they didn’t have each other. A part of them would be missing.

“I’m positive we will both end up on the same college. But even if that doesn’t happen, there’s absolutely no way that will be the end of our friendship, Eth. Come on, you really think our bond is not strong enough to handle a little distance?”

“You’re right.” he said, wiping his tears with the heel of his palm. “It still would suck not to have you there to annoy me every minute of the day.”

“Fuck you, Ethan.” she pinched his side, making him squirm. “And bold of you to assume I wouldn’t call you and text every one second.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you.” he hugged her tightly to his chest, breathing in the scent of her shampoo.

“Love you, too.” she whispered. She wanted to kiss him so badly she had to hide her face on his chest to die down the temptation.

“Hey, I never asked you. Who are you going to prom with?”

“With no one.”

Ethan frowned. “I can’t have that. We are going together.”

Her heart started beating faster. “You’re going with Mila.”

“I haven’t told her we can still go together. And I’m not going to, we are going together.”

“No.” she shook her head. The inner voices screaming at her again. “It’s important to her. I really couldn’t care less about prom. Don’t worry about it.”

“All of your friends have dates, Y/N/N. I know you don’t care about prom, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a good time.” Ethan said, and she shrugged. “I don’t understand, though. I heard, unfortunately, the guys talking in the locker room. A lot of them were planning to ask you.”

“And they did, I just said I was going alone.”

“But why?”

Because I don’t want anyone but you, and I just turned your offer down. “I just don’t want to. Really, don’t worry about me. I don’t like parties anyway, so I won’t stay long. You will have to dance with me at least once, though.”

“Obviously.” he replied softly as he run his fingers through her soft hair until he fell asleep.

Meanwhile, Y/N laid wide awake, picturing that moment. Him, looking like a daydream in a suit, with his big hands around her body and her head on his hard chest, listening to the beat of his heart, which clearly won’t be beating as fast as hers. Yes, she didn’t know how she was going to survive that.

ETHAN STOOD NEXT TO MILA AS THEY TALKED WITH THEIR FRIENDS. Well, Mila did the talking and he was just standing there, looking anxiously at the entrance door, waiting for his best friend to arrive. Ethan had offered to drive her, but she instantly turned him down because there’s no way she was going to share the confined space with Mila.

“Your break-up lasted less than I expected.” one of Mila’s friend said.

Sensing Mila’s intention of not denying the statement, Ethan spoke first. “We aren’t together, we came as friends.”

“We’re always breaking up and making up, we both know you’ll take me back in no time.” Mila laughed.

“Mila.” he sighed. “We talked about this. I told you that we can still be each other’s date, but as long as it was clear that we are over for real. Don’t make me regret it.”

“Wow.” Zach, Ethan’s friend, said. His eyes were wide and his jaw was practically on the floor. And following his gaze, he found out the reason behind his reaction.

Ethan’s body stiffened and felt the blood rushing to his cheeks. Y/N walked through the gym, making her way towards her friends. No one, expect for his group, was paying attention to her. Why was no one paying attention to her?

She looked absolutely beautiful. Breathtaking would be most accurate word, because she took Ethan’s ability to breath as soon as his eyes landed on her figure. She was wearing a long, satin green dress. Her hair was up in a tidy bun, making her look elegant. Fuck, he couldn’t get his eyes off her, nor did he want to.

“Green is not her color.” Mila said between gritted teeth.

Ethan frowned, but his brown eyes were still glued to the girl across the room. “Every color is her color.”

“I’m going to ask her to dance with me.” Zach said confidently.

“Dude, get a hint. She told you she didn’t want to come with you.” another of Ethan’s friend said.

With that, Ethan finally looked away and instead glared at his friend. “You asked her?”

“Well, yeah. Can you blame me?” No, he couldn’t. But still, for some reason, it bothered him. “I can’t believe she said no.”

“Oh, come on. It’s obvious she was going to reject every offer. Well, anyone but one.” Mila said, and the boys’ curious glances landed on her. “What?”

“What are you talking about?” Zach asked.

Mila rolled her eyes. “Really? Literally everyone figured it out”

“Figure out what?” Ethan asked impatiently.

“She’s been in love with the same person for years.”

Ethan’s fists clenched and he felt like his whole body was on fire. “No way, she would’ve told me. We tell each other everything.”

Mila laughed. “It’s you, dumbass. She’s always been in love with you.”

Ethan froze and shook his head. “No. I would’ve- she should’ve… No.”

“Yes, Ethan. Ask anyone. I swear boys are so oblivious” she rolled her eyes. “It’s obvious she didn’t tell you because she knew you’d reject her. I mean, she is out of your league and you’ve never given her any signs that you might feel the same.”

Well, in that she’s right. But only because he had never let his mind wonder about being more because he didn’t want to ruin anything. Besides, he hadn’t seen her signs either and he also started dating Mila. But now… he could see them together. Now he couldn’t understand how he hadn’t thought about it before. After all, Y/N had always been his person—the one that understood him unlike anyone else, the one that made him laugh harder than anyone else, the one he always wanted to have by his side, the one who he belong with.

“She’s not out of my league.” he said, glaring at Mila. “I’m the one out of her league, hell, I don’t think anyone is really deserving of her! You know, she was the one that suggested I still should bring you here, because it was important to you. I asked her to be my date, and she said no. Even though she probably wanted to say yes. She’s that amazing, and I never saw her. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

Before anyone could say anything, Ethan let his feet guide him towards her. Y/N saw his silhouette making his way to her and her mouth broke into a smile. He did look like a daydream and the smile she loved was present on his face, shinier than ever.

"Hi, Eth." she stood up to hug him.

How could he have been so blind to notice it? The way her cheeks turned a light shade of red, her shy smile and the sparks in her eyes. Y/N was in love with him. "Hi. You look... like a daydream."

That made her blush even more. "Thank you. You look very handsome." Ethan smiled like a little kid, which made Y/N laugh. "What is going on? You're acting odd."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know, you're looking different."

"Is that bad?" Ethan frowned.

"No, it's a good different. You look happy. But what is happening?" she laughed with uncertainty. Ethan shook his head, trying to wipe the smile off his face. "Come on, you're making me nervous."

my love was as cruel as the cities i lived in

"First we have to dance to your favorite song." Ethan said, grabbing her hand and guiding her to the dance floor.

Just like she had it pictured it in her mind, her best friend's arms were wrapped around her waist, her hands resting on his broad shoulders and her head lying on his chest. But, contrary to what she had thought, his heart was beating inexplicably fast.

i don't wanna look at anything else now that i saw you

"I love you, Y/N" Ethan whispered in her ear. He felt her shoulders tense and she slowly raised her head to look at him.

It wasn't like any other previous I love you's, there was something about the way he said it—so softly and vulnerable—that gave her the hope that there was another meaning, that it was another type of i love you.

"Ethan..."

been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night

"I do. I really do love you. I am in love with you, and I'm really sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

and now i see daylight, i only see daylight

"For not realizing it earlier. For not seeing how you really felt."

Y/N widened her eyes. He knew. "Ethan... don't."

"Don't what?"

"You're confused. You don't love me like that, I don't want your sympathy. You just think you love me because you don't want to reject me." she said. He opened his mouth to argue, but she cut him off. "I promise you that our friendship won't change. I've always known it wasn't reciprocated, and I've come in terms with it."

Ethan just smiled. "Are you done overthinking? Because you have two options—you can keep on trying to convince yourself I don't love you and that my heart hasn't been skipping since you walked into this room," he put her hand on his heart. "or you can accept the truth—that I love you and I want you more than anything in the world—and let me kiss you while your song is still playing." he tilted his head down, nose brushing hers. "What is it, Y/N? One or two?"

"Two" she whispered.

He smirked "Good girl."

The kiss stopped time. When they finally pulled away, they stared at each other completely awestruck. Taylor Swift wasn't playing anymore, and they truly didn't have a clue how much time they had spent tasting each other. What they did know is that nothing had ever felt more right.

"Okay, enough show. Let's get out of here, I want you all to myself." he said pressing kisses to her neck.

"I want ice cream first, then we can make out."

"Whatever my girlfriend wants, she gets." with one last kiss, they walked out of the room hand in hand. “By the way, I have always thought you were the most gorgeous girl in school.”

[sevenpoyo]

some brooklyn slang ik for all the ppl who wanna write for miles and kilometers‼️

feel free to add more idk everything but i i am originally from there and visit a lot this stuff i hear a lot and if you wanna add slang to ur writing this is a good place to start, not all of these brooklyn or ny exclusive but that’s where a lot of american slang starts and u prolly heard some of it b4. imma list it ne ways

don’t use like 8 of these in one sentence bc it will sound weird and i can’t really cover ny puerto rican slang or any puerto rican slang really bc my grandad is a bum so if you know some add it

the city is manhattan, not the other 4 burroughs, just manhattan, cus that’s where everything’s at

to cut ass is to roast tf out of someone , to get your ass cut is get tf roasted out of you

wyling/wilding is being outta pocket, something being absurd or crazy

yeah nah means no and nah yeah means yeah idk why they gotta make it complicated just look at the second word

good looks is like good looking out

it’s bout to be winter and i’m bout to see mad christmas fics and shit but do y’all know the proper way to describe cold ny winters?

if it’s cold as hell, it’s brick outside, not regular cold, ny winter is like nipples so hard i see em thru the bra cold

ex; “how it’s so brick outside i walk to the store wit my hair wet and it deadass got icicles in it” “yeah it’s fr brick outside today” “i’m not walkin wit u in this brick ass weather for a bacon egg and cheese?” (actual convo between my sister and me last winter break)

fronting seem kinda easy to me but is like acting or pretending i can’t explain it with out an example

“why you fronting like you wouldn’t die if they text you asking u to go out with them” “you can stop fronting like you like cars it cool if you don’t” “don’t sit there fronting like u don’t wanna dance wit me”

being tight over something is just being upset or annoyed

rj is so smart they said “We say tight bc you kinda huddle close to yourself when you tense/stressed or angry” i had no idea i just be saying it i aint know it had a reason💀 it make sm sense now.

“who got you tight like that this early in the morning?” “my momma came home tight yesterday for no reason, she threw a boot at me!” “i’m so tight this damn shift change has me working all closers this week”

jack is like claiming someone or something

i talk old as hell idk what the youths be jacking nowadays

cop is basically to get, used to be mostly 4 drugs back in the day my dad said (he don’t know why im asking him this)

“just copped me some retro 3’s” “bout to cop me a few percs in a minute”

speaking of a minute, mostly for my non americans bc that’s who get confused the most when i say this one. depending on the context this can mean a actual minute, a short time or a real long

“i’ll be back in a minute” is short “i ain’t seen y’all in a minute” is long. idk how to explain the difference besides context

bop is a good song, pretty easy but i see ppl on tiktok use it wrong

bangs/banger goes hard is kinda like bob for music but i be using it for anything fr

“this push pop is banging yo”

mad can be used normal like angry but it also means a lot or really kinda like hella ig? i usually uses hella when i would say mad so ppl can understand me easier up here

dumb also mean very in the same way

ex; “my english teacher give out mad homework for no reason.” “she be giving me mad shit over the smallest stuff” “i just had some mad good wings so i’m cooling rn” “this shit is mad spicy u sure you want some?” ''This shit got me dumb tight'' “you don’t need no jacket it’s dumb hot out here”

smacked is like high as fuck idk how to elaborate ur just high

lit is drunk

“Yuuuur!'' A signal, a greeting usually used to catch the attention of someone or something very fun greeting and very hated by schools, it’s weird anywhere outside of ny kinda at least to me.

being hollywood means u get a little fame and think ur all that or just that u got a little fame and they’re jokingly hating

ex; “i saw u on the news the other day, “the prowlers return” u must be real proud of yourself huh hollywood?” “and here comes hollywood wit his trending tiktoks”

real talk is when ur about confess something or say something serious in a not real serious setting or convo

“real talk we play a lot but i love you, my life would be boring with out you around” “real talk i’d never do that to you foreal”

go together is like go out kinda, y’all kinda match behavior cus y’all a couple, this one need a sentence 2 i think. (THIS ONE IS OLD AS HELL ONLY USE IT IF UR TRYING TO RIZZ MOMMA RIO)

“he want ur number? he don’t know we we go together or sum?” “why she wanna act like we go together, ion even know her?” “don’t we go together?”

i can’t even explain it with a sentence y’all just gotta figure this one out 💀

A bodega/deli is a convenience store ik most know this from the movie but some ppl think it’s all stores or all spanish stores when it’s just a corner store

the owners of the deli closest to my granddad house is muslim. and so we keep track of all muslim holidays when he’s closed

an ock is the bodega man, miles knows the man’s name at the deli we see him visit, but at any other store he’d call the guy ock

dipping on someone is changing ur mind last minute, usually canceling plans

ex “we was supposed to go get outfits together but they dipped on me last minute”

staticky is like wanting to fight or still being pissed after a fight

static is beef or on sight energy

you good can really be anything but imma list ones i can think of

it can mean like are you ok? or don’t worry about it, or how are you, or stop, or do you got a issue? or do you want an issue? it’s all in the tone of how it’s said fr

'Word of my moms/dads I saw/ did/did not *insert topic*'' Honest term, no lying present in statement i feel like (my cousins be putting anything on they momma fr risking shit on her for no reason)

'hold it down'' handle buisness / take care of someone or something. can also be in refrence to criminal who handles ''buisness''

NOW EVERYONE SAY THANK YOU TO @rashadisback BC HE CARRIED ME ON THIS‼️

i hope this helps any writers that don’t live here!

[romanarose]

Please Don’t Go?

Santiago Garcia x Gn!reader

Summary: You beg Santi not to leave for work.

Warnings: Extremely depressed reader, Santi worries they might be a danger to themself. Eating problems but not for weight loss, more appetite loss. References to concerns of self harm in some way. Proceed with caution.

Immersability: reader is gender neutral so you can imagine fem, masc, non binary etc. but I generally write fem so if I mess up on pronouns or something lmk. Santi can carry reader.

AN: Written on my phone bc I’m having a time rn and just wanna lay in bed and think of Santiago. Writing will probably sound worse than my usual bullshit.

*****************

Santi had been forced hit snooze 6 times already. You wouldn’t let him leave.

He knew you’d been struggling, and nothing he could do seemed to help. You didn’t respond to anything he tried. He couldn’t get you to go for a walk; the only time you went outside was when he picked you up and took you. Hell, he’d bought and assembled a porch swing just so that you could stay attached to him since you would not let go.

You weren’t eating. He tried cooking home made, he tried ordering your favorites, he even tried getting you desert for dinner just so you’d eat something. In the end he had to threaten to take you to the hospital if you didn’t at least choke down a few bites per meal; Santiago tried his best to make the most nutritious food he could. Soon enough he figured out you’d eat smoothies, and put all the powders, spinach, and super fruits he could get his hands on as well as nutrition shakes. It was better than nothing.

You only washed when he drew you a bath or showered with you.

You didn’t do any of your crafts you enjoyed.

You didn’t laugh at your shows or read books or listen to podcasts.

You weren’t you.

The benefit of consulting is he could do a lot of work at home, which he did so he could help care for you…. But there was another reason. He was scared to leave you alone.

He frequently texted, called when he could, and if you didn’t answer he asked Frankie Ben or Will to check in. They usually found you catatonically watching mindless TV in a daze.

It was getting worse.

“Hey baby, I need to get going, okay? I can get ready in the room if you want…” Santiago attempted to get up, but you caught his hand. With sad, already tearful eyes at 7 AM, you look up at him where he sat.

“Please don’t go?”

“Mi amor I have to… I have a presentation to do….”

He watched your lip quiver, letting go of his hand and sliding it back under the covers and look away from him, dejected.

“Okay.” You were closing off from him.

“I love you.” He said, again and again and again as he dressed, brushed his teeth, made breakfast and placed a breakfast sandwich in front of you, but only short responses. You weren’t mad. If you were mad, he could handle it… but your were sad, and that hurt him, so, so much. He’d hid all the sharp knives, razors, belts, anything he thinks might be a danger to you, but he didn’t feel right leaving. His gut told he couldn’t go…

Santiago called his boss, an old army pal of his. “Hey man… listen I uh… I’m not feeling good, can Will do the presentation? I can send him over the notes and-“

“No one knows it better than you, Pope. C’mon, you’ve been working on this for months, what’s wrong?”

“I just uhhh I have a cold, that’s all.”

“That’s not it, is it?”

Damn him. He knew Santi too well. “No, it’s not.” Santi explained it, how badly you were doing and how worried he was. That gut feeling.

His boss listened. “Do you think you can come in for just the presentation?”

“Yeah, yeah man I can do that.” Benny could come over for those two hours, keep you company.

“Okay, just come in at noon and then talk to me, we’ll see if we can’t get you some time off for this. After this project is done, me and Will can take on some of your duties.

“I appreciate it I do, but I don’t want you guys to have to-“

“Pope, your family is sick, it’s doesn’t matter that it’s mental. They need you. You’d do the same for us.”

*

When Santi came back into the room, he found you softly crying and promptly climbed back into bed after kicking off his shoes. Santiago pulled you into his arms and held you close as you cried… softly, he cried with you. He was worried, so fucking worried.

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart… it’ll be okay. I’m gonna take care of you. Whatever you need, I’m here… but baby?” With a gentle hand, Santi tilted your face up too look at him. He really was so, so handsome. Dark skin, sharp jaw, and normal steely eyes wet with worry. “We need to get you help, okay? We need to get you in with a psych. We can’t do this alone.”

You consider for a moment before burrying your head into his chest. “Okay.”

*******************

Idk I’m in a mood.

Started writing this, roommate came home and tried talking to me, I was already trying not to cry so she asked me if I was okay which naturally made me cry. I’ve never cried in front of her before so I think she was surprised but gave me a really nice hug.

No tag list bc I’m on my phone and tired but I’ll rb tomorrow with the tag list if I find the energy

Love y’all, please take care of yourselves.

[miraitenshi]

My bf said that if I’m so sad and depressed all the time then I should go find someone rich who can buy me stuff and take me out all the time cuz I always talk about how I wanna buy things and go out to places. He can’t afford to do that and I know and I never expect him to do anything knowing that but he just says that shit to me.

I just say things and talk about things I wanna buy (for the future) like things I’m interested in. I’m just a girl we say these things all the time but he takes it seriously and doesn’t understand that I am mentally ill. It’s so frustrating to have to explain myself all the fucking time. I feel like I’m ruining out relationship and that he should just be with someone who’s not sick.

He says I never consider his feelings and I just get mad at him for no reason but he doesn’t understand that I cannot control my emotions. I literally cannot do anything about it and him just saying those things and saying I’m selfish and what’s wrong with me constantly when I say I don’t wanna talk about it just makes me feel worse.

He thinks all I care about is money when I don’t. I just want to be successful and have a job cuz I’ve been struggling for the past few years and he knows that. I want to make money for myself and buy myself things to cheer me up but he thinks I just wanna blow money and want him to just work and buy me things when I don’t expect anything from him. I can do that for myself I don’t NEED him to things when I know he doesn’t want to.

I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to expect posting on here🥺I feel so stuck in my life rn. How can I be having a midlife crisis when my life as an adult hasn’t even started. Why doesn’t anyone understand that I’m not mentally well. I’m ruining things around me and I just don’t know what to do.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

My date with N. was....... great. 🤷‍♀️After what happened the last weeks and we didn’t see each other for that long, things went surprisingly well. But I must also admit that we did not talk about my short return to Daniel. Nico asked me, not to talk about the past weeks. He said, we weren’t together. Now that we got the chance to stay together for more months without him having to go back abroad, we should just start from scratch. I honestly thought that was a little strange. I wanted to explain to him, why I stayed with Daniel, but N. was against it. So I decided to listen to him, as long as we’re together.

N. also finally told his family about our Baby. His Mom wanted to see me, tomorrow.😳🙈 He asked me, if I wanted to spend the night with him, in his mother’s house. There’s no one there today. I agreed, but why didn’t he just invite me to his apartment?

Nico: I have to go to the house anyway. My dog is there, and if you accompany me, we’ll stay right there. We're alone.

Me: Okay. And your Mom’s coming home tomorrow? Where is she? And what exactly did you tell her?

Nico: Well, she'll be grama. 😬 And she’s with her partner tonight.

Me: Was she mad?

Nico: Ahm.... no. Rather surprised. She's in her mid forties. She feels too young for a grandchild.

Me: She’s 46! It’s much more embarrassing for my parents!! They’re only 41! 🤷‍♀️

Nico: Yea, but I didn’t tell her... you, were pregnant. She first thought.... Stephanie & I would have a Baby. But I told her it's NOT Steph!! She was relieved, but I didn’t tell her it was you, I wanted to surprise her.

Me: What??... Are you crazy N.?... Agh, why am I even asking. Of course you're crazy.

Nico: Don't worry, it'll be fine. It's just my mother! She always loved you.

Me: Yeah, that was before..... Philip & I got together. And please don’t tell her I’m still married, okay?

Nico: No one in my family needs to know. I leave it up to you.

Me: Maybe someday I’ll tell your Mom, but rn I don’t want anyone to know. Especially your sister must not find out about it.

Nico: Agh, screw Mel, she can’t say a bad word to you! Trust me, I won’t let that happen.

Me: I’m really scared of Melanie. I know that sounds stupid, but I can’t forget how mean she used to be.

Nico: You don’t have to see Melanie or talk to her. I’m not leaving you alone with her. First, she’ll have to apologize to you. Or she’ll never meet our Baby, I promise.

Me: Thank you..... ILY, N. Oh, and what about your Dad? I guess he doesn’t know yet, because you’re still not talking to him.

Nico: Yea. I don’t care what he thinks or what he has to say. I don’t give a shit. 🤷‍♀️... And no matter what he offers you, or our child, you say no! Clear?

Me: Yes! I understand! Your Dad’s still a red rag to us. 😬😕

Once arrived at N.'s House, we saw Fabienne, Philip's baby sister. 🙂

She was so excited to see Nico and me again. She started talking about Annabelle. P.'s little babygirl was visiting Fabienne. So Fabs invited N. and me to come by later.

How it went on with Fabienne and N.'s family for me, you'll see next time. My parents'll also join us.😬 Ahg yea, what a nice family reunion.😨

Previous/Next

[love-kurdt]

wip (what is poppin') wednesday

from chapter 2 of ntwdt >:) this fucking document is 37 pages long rn. to put that into perspective, the entirety of TIMT adds up to 37 pages. and i'm only on part 2 of 4. i think i've gone mad

“We’ve been here for, what,” I checked my watch, just to verify how long we’d been seated in the diner booth, “four and a half hours? And I still barely know anything about you!”

Matt chuckled. “Well, we’ve gotta finish the ten things about you, first!”

“Not my fault you keep distracting me.”

I could hear the grin spreading across his face as he teased, “I’m distracting, now, am I?”

“You are,” I admitted.

Matt narrowed his eyes and stroked his chin in feigned suspicion. “Interesting.”

“Okay,” I took a deep breath, pushing the conversation forward before I got too flustered and lost my train of thought once again. “So… Hawkins, Jonathan, D&D, books, my major, singing, alcohol, my father, Dustin–”

“Dustin doesn’t count,” Matt said.

“He does, too!” I insisted, letting a little bit of my inner child seep through the cracks.

“Fine,” Matt relented with a slight eye roll, “But only because I like you.”

Well, that was very forward of him. It wasn’t too out of pocket, given the fact that I’d literally made out with him not even ten minutes into knowing his name, but listening to a guy openly admitting his romantic feelings for me without any form of hesitation was something I had yet to get used to. I spent years hiding my own feelings, and Mike… fuck Mike. “I like you, too,” I heard myself say.

“… And that’s ten.”

“Wait really?” I shook my head in confusion. “What was ten?”

“That you’re into me.”

“Oh,” I said with a slight eye roll at my own stupidity, “Yeah. I guess that was ten things.”

“And that’s my number one. I like you,” he nudged my foot with his under the table with a smirk, “I have severe ADHD, I have a dog back home named Swayze— he’s a pomeranian. I’m a sophomore material studies major because I can’t make decisions to save my life. I have a passion for writing and have this dream of writing and illustrating my own stories someday–”

“Woah, wait, me too!” I interrupted, and Matt’s eyes lit up in surprise.

“Wait, you write as well?”

How to Explain The Status of Your Co-Writing Relationship with Your Ex-Best Friend Who You Were in Unrequited but Not Actually Unrequited Love With Without Mentioning His Name for Dummies would’ve been pretty useful right about now. “Well… no. I used to work on silly comic books with some of my old friends, but I only illustrated. Someone else did the writing.”

“Cool,” Matt nodded in approval.

“I have no idea what's gonna happen next. But, whatever it is, I... I think we should work together. I think it'll be easier if we're... we're a team. Friends. Best friends.”

“Cool.” 

“Cool.”

“So, uh—” Fuck, I hadn’t even realized I’d spaced out. “That was five, right?” Matt asked me, and I nodded, taking a sip of my Diet Coke. How long did I dissociate for? This hadn’t happened to me in months.

[dyke-pollinator]

I did something to my hip while dancing last night and can’t walk super far rn so yall get to hear about one of, if not the, most insane job I have ever heard about. I promise you this is 100% real as I met the human being who did this.

Im gonna go ahead and slap a tw for gore and animal death on this cause some of yall may not enjoy this story 

This occurred while I was working out in Montana near Glacier National Park.

Now for some context, Montana has a lot of land that is federally designated wilderness areas. If you’re unfamiliar with that that means, out side of a few very specific conditions, you are not allowed to bring anything more technologically advanced than hand tools out there. 

It adds a lot of complications to getting conservation work done out there. There was a time when we had to move an entire historic cabin like 500 feet without the use of any power tools. But that is a story for another day.

Working out there is also how I ended up getting to keep this dope ass sign but I digress

The Forest Services has many crews of people that work out in the wilderness areas for months at a time. Since you are not allowed to fly helicopters or supply planes over wilderness areas unless there is a fire, all of the supplies that needs to get out to those crews get packed in by horses and mules. 

Working with the folks who did that was really fun and its a really hard job so I have mad respect for the people responsible for running resupply routes. However, there are unfortunately times where accidents happen on those routes, a horse mule might get hurt and be unable to make it out of there.

When that happens, there is unfortunately nothing that can be done for the animal, and the best thing to do is to put it out of its misery since it would be impossible to get it to a location where it would be able to receive medical care and recover. This happens very rarely, but it does sometimes occur (luckily not while I was working there).

However this poses a very unique problem. Montana has the highest population of Grizzly Bears in the lower 48. There are quite a lot of them out there, and for the safety of both the bears and humans, it is important that they maintain their fear of humans, and are not encouraged to walk the trails in search of food. And a dead mule would be a massive meal to them. 

So the corpse cannot be left out on the trail. That begs the question, what the hell do we do with it. The mules can weigh anywhere between 400-600 pounds (180 - 270kg) so we’re not going to be moving it off the trail, much less carry it 10+ miles back using only hand tools.

Unfortunately there is only one option. Bring in the explosives expert. I am not joking. In order to prevent the deaths of Grizzly bears and to stop the corpse from rotting on the trail, an expert is brought out into the wilderness, lines the body with explosives, and blasts the corpse to a red mist.

I am very thankful that I never had to experience anything like that while I was out there, but this is still one of the most insane jobs I can imagine. How do you even explain that to someone if they ask you what you did at work? 

This was a few years back so it is entirely possible that this has changed. This is just what I was told when I asked about it while working with the coordinating officer of the Forest Service out there at the time. 

[icantspeakspanish]

I really like your writings! can you do oikawa, nishinoya and asahi with a fem s/o who's a smoker? But she's trying to stop so they help her (she's also the vb team manager pls)

Scenario: after a game that ended with their team losing they catch her outside of the gym smoking

Take your time:) thank you!!

a/n.: LMAO WHY DID I DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT😭 bro i’m so sorry that you needed to wait so long for this wtf

characters: oikawa, nishinoya, asahi

warnings: implied nsfw jokes because i have the humor of an 7th grade boy / language / mentions of smoking ??

masterlist.

oikawa, nishinoya and asahi with an s/o who tries to quit smoking

ᴛᴏᴏʀᴜ ᴏɪᴋᴀᴡᴀ

you know that one fucker who always cries out when a smoker pops up??

yeah that’s your guy

fucking dick

no i’m joking

am i tho

oikawa is aware of you smoking when y’all get together

he doesen’t mind but he doesn’t like it either😭

💯% cheers when you tell him you want to quit

like

if you’re out with friends who smoke?

he goes

„NO, THANK YOU!! my s/o is quitting smoking😏“

„nO pReSsUrE bAbY“

really praises you when you go without it AND is immediately there when you text him in need of distraction

ifykwim— SORRY

pretty boy ain’t completely brain dead iwa.exe is progressing

so oikawa understands that it’s really hard and he’s there if you need him

the lost game ✊🏻

it was just a bit much and maybe hit on top of something bad happening anyway

and you really couldn’t bear to cheer the team up without the smoke

so you went out and lit that mf up

bad timing why that pretty boy have to come out NOW😒👎🏻

youre already ready to drop some explainings

but he just goes „stahp✋🏻“

yeah he’s really not mad 😧

oikawa tells you it’s okay and that you should be taking tiny steps

he really tries to cheer you up🥹

then you ask him how he’s doing bc of the game and mf starts crying LMAO BYE

ᴀᴢᴜᴍᴀɴᴇ ᴀꜱᴀʜɪ

will invest in those things that promise to make quitting easier istg

even though they’re probably so bad😭

BUT HE'S TRYING

also probably will ask some friends who already quit for tips and immediately tells u

baby always tells you that you're doing good but will ask you if you wanna go out and do something‼️

after the entire game went down, he decides to go take a breath before getting dressed and stuff

he turns his head and sees you right when you light the cigarette

ngl hes kind of sad because you got so far, BUT asahi is so understanding!!

he’ll come over to you and maybe rub your shoulder

„we're just going to start over, you got this babe.“

JESUS CHRIST

conclusion: best one in comfort out of these three🦗🦗

ʏᴜᴜ ɴɪꜱʜɪɴᴏʏᴀ

I actually see him as someone who AT LEAST TWICE smoked to seem cool

am i getting canceled now

ngl i think he’d forget you do/did smoke and are quitting rn and be like „oh RIGHT—" 😭

and when he can’t find you after they lost the game, he remembers again that you’re currently quitting and probably upset

so he’s not really surprised to see ya outside🧍🏻‍♀️

noya won’t judge you tho dw babes🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️

he'll ask you if you feel like finishing that cig and just wait for you

HES OPTIMISTIC AS FUCK THOUGH

you be going on about how you’re frustrated with yourself and how you got weak again while he screams at you because YOU GONNA GET BACK ON TRACK!! 😤

like he’s really there and believes in you

bbys got you🫶🏻

[bonniebird]

Stiles Stilinski x Reader  

Requested by Anon​

Halloween event

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“It’s not that bad!” You insisted as you helped Stiles lift a table in front of one of the large floor-length windows. He scowled at you but didn’t say anything until he moved an armchair to block the table against the glass.

 "We’re in a cabin in the woods with a lunatic outside! I spent my whole life avoiding situations like this. You get me into one in under an hour." Stiles complained to you.

“You got Scott turned into a werewolf by dragging him out into the woods in the middle of the night. If anything it’s weird that I managed to get us into this situation.” You said quickly and raised your eyebrows. He rolled his eyes and nodded. 

“Ok, that’s fair. How, exactly, did you manage to get us into this situation?” Stiles asked.

“Oh! Well when you stopped to pay for the gas I spotted this guy acting weird and I warned this lady whose car he was lurking around and then I was like hah dude you’re acting like a serial killer.” You explained with rapid-fire quickness, punctuating each new problem with a quick awkward clap of your hand.

“He turned out to be an actual killer didn’t he?” Stiles asked.

“Yes. Very much so. Apparently, he’s wanted by the FBI and he cut our phone lines.” You answered and Stiles sighed.

“Well, we’ve dealt with worse right? I mean I was taken to another dimension and you… are friends with a lot of werewolves.” Stiles said quickly as he watched the blockade he made against the one wall shake.

“You can just say it. In this particular instant, I have no special skills. Although I’m good at jabbing.” You mimed jabbing at the air and Stiles quickly fetched you a fireplace poker.

“If we get murdered on Halloween I’m going to be so mad.” Stiles grumbled. You smiled and looked around.

“Yeah. I bet people will come here and try to summon our spirits… if we were murdered. Which we’re not going to be.” You said as Stiles gave you an irritated look.

“Just try to find a way we can sneak out. And stay away from the windows. You're just making him mad that he can’t get in here.” Stiles said as you looked out the window and it cracked as something thumped against it.

“He’s broken the wheels off the car.” You updated Stiles who groaned.

Stiles tags:

@lovelyy-moonlight @stellasblog @DeanWinchestersgirl87 @thekayarlene @linkpk88 @babypink224221 @lisainhell @spiderwebs-blog @gryffindorqueensworld @rockyrascal @twerp8999 @criesinlies @lovesanimals0000 @sairamccall11 @theletterhart @bluebear142077 @boardstomymood @big-galaxy-chaos @onyourgoddamnleft @greekktragedyy @ietss @alexxavicry @daughterofthenight117 @sarcasm-n-insomnia @multi-fandom5 @justice-for-the-kaldorei @favmeyou @kaylantus @ssa--holmes @skinny-bitch-juice @salemsnothere @supernatural-wolfie @yougottalovefandoms @sentimentalweasley @why-am-I-here-01 @maxineswritingcenter @babygrinchsblog @alwaysadreamingoptimist @love1deandra @wittiestrain184 @archaeologydigit @im-eating-rn @bucketbunny @multifandomwriter56 @littlefreakingfangirl @jayyeahthatsme @thebookisbtr @hardladyheart @gillybear17 @bluejaysaysstuff @lchufflepuffcorn @lucyqueenofthestars @fatherfigured @Kaitieskidmore1 @stupendousbelieverzombie @prettyplant0 @hardladyheart @bluejaysaysstuff @slxthxrxn-sxmp @jamie-c-bower-simp @readingbookelf @boardstomymood

[smoosnoom]

moon moon moon moon moon moon moon moon i dont think u understand i have butterflies rn i am so warm and happy and smiley and and snd amd and this is easily one of my favorite fics of yours i absolutely adore summer so so very much and . ohggg you wrote them so lovely and i literally can't stop smiling oh !!!! thank you for this fic and even including some things i mentioned i mean i bet a lot of people mentioned those tropes but aaa i am happy anyhow <3

also here r some of my fav quotes because . because this is my favorite thing in the universe

- “Are you okay?” 

Christ. Can’t a man fantasize about his best friend in peace?

THIS OS SO FUNYNYNYNY im obsessed w how u write mike i love him

- It’d be more terrifying than beautiful if Will weren’t here. 

maybe i will scream . i will becaud eohmmy9fods

- Will moves, again, their hands bumping, and it feels like they’re holding the sun in the space between.

THIS MAD EME . PAUSE AND JUST . OGGGHGGGGHGHG . i can only smile and keyboard smash moon i am so sorry 🙏😭

- “Everything, I guess,” he answers, because it’s true. Will is, kind of, everything, 

- “Me?” He questions, eyes wide, as if there could possibly be anyone else, as if Mike has ever even – looked at anyone else,

- and fingers sliding into Mike’s hair, and it’s everything, and Mike was right, he’s never doubting himself again, because Will is everything. 

I WIQLCOJWJ JSCKSJHD . i apologize but these part smake me sosoos !!*!&!<!!! i cant even explain . i am so in love w this fic moon i cnantng. okay .

also jsut . the ending. mike thinking of missing him and will going hey im right here OHGGGGG !!!!!!!! moon you are brilliant and so lovely and . this fic made me so incredibly happy i can't do this . today felt rlly like the first day of summer and this fic made me feel a million times warmer and than kyou thank you ohhggggg this fic is absolutely everything yo me i am so warm and giddy rn !!!!!!! ur fics especially make me love will so much more if that's even possible bc he is one of my favorite characters in any media ecer and getting to read him written by u . well it might be an honor . it definitely is . it makes me so happy i cant even describe it . so thank you thank you<3 i hope u have a good night moon and i hope your essay goes okay <3 remember to rest and take care of urself !!!!!!!!!<3<3<3

donnie byersverse hello !!!!!!!!!! every day is a good day to see u in my inbox !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohh im so happy u liked it oh my god ! i tried my absolute Best to make this fic something more like . fun and carefree or just something to cheer people up and im so glad it made u smile !!!! if i wasnt on a laptop id be spamming party hat emojis rn and yes !!!! i tried to include the things u specifically mentioned since u are always so kind to me in ur asks :D i thought uknow ! the least i could do !

LOL i love writing mike to be a little unhinged when hes in love with will <3 it just seems right

the keyboard smashing is so so real . expressing emotions no words can get across Thank u so much

NOO dont ever apologize i love seeing the parts u like the most !!!! especially then i can seee what i should do more often and what hits the hardest :D i am so happy u liked it so much omg

i am so honored to contribute to ur lovely summer day !! summer is such a fun season to write about and in, and im glad i got the very specific feeling of it across ! also ??? "ur fics especially make me love will so much more" finn what if i literally cry and di e and Explode into a million teeny tiny pieces . what then .

u are so entirely kind to me !!! im so happy u enjoyed reading it and that i did ur ideas justice :) and i love reading ur thoughts !! thank u so much !!!!!!!!

[eyenaku]

vent sorta because I don’t understand how like. Humans work and I’m super frustrated and I don’t have anyone to talk to rn but i need to like. say it somewhere if ykwim

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CANT JUST? TALK, like. WHy can't people behave in a straightforward way. It’s like there’s all these unwritten unspoken rules of social interaction and nobody tells you if they’re mad they just act different and I can’t tell if they’re mad at me or not or if they’re even acting upset?

It’s like social interaction is this super elaborate dance that I haven’t been taught and I don’t understand how to learn ? Why are there so many things and how come everyone understands it but I can’t?

I understand animals!! It’s so straightforward! I can read body language of animals get along with them easily but with people I just. I don’t understand and it’s so frustrating

I get along well with the elderly and with younger kids because they’re very? Simple? Or straightforward I guess is a better word because they don’t bother with all the extra stuff for the most part I just. Don’t get it. And people often say these demographics are very blunt! And it's like yea! That's easy to understand!! There's not 500 extra things that make no sense that I don't know what to say to keep up with everyone else!!

And it’s not something I can just? Learn either like. I try, I can pick up patterns in behavior and learn what people are feeling when they are behaving a certain way and how to like. Work around it but even then it’s really? Not good like I’m not good at it, it’s really weird feeling and usually ends up with people more upset because nobody SAYS ANYTHING if something is up?!?

I dunno I’m just really frustrated right now I don’t understand? How everything works and it’s really messing with me because Everyone Else Around Me Can Do It! I’m the outlier and it’s so weird because? It’s their behavior that seems irrational to me? Like it’s stuff that makes 0 sense so me because it has a straightforward solution or it’s just. Irrational I dunno? I don’t understand it and I can’t explain it it’s just. It weird

does this make sense to anyone else or am I like genuinely just not understanding something I should??? I don't understand anything and it's just AUHHH

hhdjchdjjd I’m so frustrated

[hunters-hairnoodle]

Hey

This is my first post ever and ig technically a rant post but idrc. None of you know who I am and that’s okay. I just occasionally have these days where my mind breaks. I survive each day and then it builds up until eventually there’s a night where I just burst. Tonight’s that night. I have no one to talk to this about. If I talk to my friends they won’t understand or won’t know what to do. My sister, maybe but unlikely. My mom is part of the issue and my dad would never understand. He’d just console me and act like that’s that, problem solved. Or he’d bring up fucking Jesus and make me pray over it, when I’m honestly fucking done with religion. 

The days themselves are fine, they’re fine ig. I mean little issues here and there but overall it’s fine. But i get to these nights and realize that it’s not all fine and that there’s a lot of fucking problems, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m a teenager, I don’t have money or can legally drive. Besides running away or suicide my options are limited. 

This is gonna sound so stupid to some people, and people will make fun of me for it cuz teenagers are demons who harvest on despair and anguish, but I’m just so worried that I can never be myself ever. At school it’s a facade. At home it’s a facade on who my mom wants me to be. I try to fit into it, but ik I’m fucking miserable. But whenever I am myself no one likes it. I become to weird or nerdy or annoying. And my mom hates it when I actually act like myself. I’ve broken free a little bit over the years, but overall I keep everything restrained. And she’s not a bad person, my mother, she’s just complicated. I can’t tell if she’s the issue or if I am. If I’m actually the bratty kid who’s complaining for no reason or if I have a legitimate reason to be upset. I can’t tell and I don’t know if I ever will be. 

On nights like these I go unnoticed by my family so I can wallow in pity alone. For some reason I can’t explain whenever anyone sees me crying or upset or having a panic attack or needing to rant I stop immediately. I listen through the walls as I cry to hear any movement. As soon as I hear any and hear my mother open her bedroom door to go to the bathroom i immediately stop and quiet myself. Just tonight while I was crying and breathing heavily and having a hard time thinking straight and acting normally I heard my mom talking to my sister. I stopped immediately and hid my phone since i knew she wouldn’t want me up. Just as I thought she walked into my room to say goodnight. I hid the crying sound from my voice as well as I could. For once she actually seemed concerned and asked if something was wrong. I was so tempted to tell her to be able to rant and cry to her, but I couldn’t. Because the problems are either her or me being gay and non-binary or just people at school. And whenever I share I’m always bad at it and don’t know how to describe it and get frustrated with myself. Guess I’m better at typing it all out then saying it. Then she always ends up getting mad at me for extending her help and I hate myself more. 

It’s not she’s a bad person she’s just hard. She yells curses in the car all the time at other drivers, which Ik isn’t a big deal but when you’ve been at school all day and just want some peace you’re hearing yelling. She’s also very judgemental of other people. She judged everyone by class and looks and their behavior. And it’s to an excessive degree. I think this may have caused me to feel the way I do about myself rn. She never says anything to me specially, but that’s when I act the right way. When I actually act like myself and wear what I want and look how I wish she judges me. Even if she doesn’t say anything directly I can tell by the way she looks and the way she responds with a tight voice. And the issue is whenever I vocalize any of these either what happens is above or she levels it down to me being a teenager and acting like a teen, therefore making my feelings not matter. That’s probably why I’m questioning if I have the right to be upset rn.

She’s also like a feminist which is a bad thing but it’s in a toxic way. Like every single man is bad boo. And then she’s hypocritical in the sense because she’ll hold men by the stereotypes but then changing her mind when it doesn’t benefit her. It’s hard to explain, but that’s the gist of it. For example we watched Hamilton together and she was complaining that there were no women in it (we hadn’t gotten to Schuyler sisters yet) she complained about how they have color blind casting and all that but why women couldn’t play these roles. I explained that it has to do with voice parts since usually AFAB and AMAB people have different sounding voices. She huffed and puffed at this. Throughout the thing she would make me stop so she could learn about the women involved in it and then would just kinda talk shit about the dudes the whole time and making it this whole thing when it’s just a fucking musical about a founding father. And I just have a complicated relationship with it since I’m AFAB and non-binary it’s just hard. Cuz I’m a feminist just not in my moms sense of it. And she’s hypocritical with it. Like when we watched the Oscar’s this lady won for this feminist movie and she did a whole feminism speech thing and my mom was all here for it. But later on when black Panther won something and the lady made a speech about black power she changes the channel! And Ik she would do the same shit if it was a speech about LGBTQ stuff.

With LGBTQ it’s so fucking hard being a gay non-binary teen. I live in the south and everyone here is fucking toxic christian who just say they don’t support it and move on. Or if they accept me they don’t really. Or they just tolerate it. Ig you would call it lesbian non-binary technically. That’s what I am. I have a they/them pin on my backpack and beanie. But no one calls me the right shit. I can’t correct them cuz then they’ll look at me and we’ll talk and they’ll just think it’s weird and not care enough. And being gay is the fucking worse. I’m the odd one out and yeah I can joke about it but it gets hard. I take a lot of shit letting people joke about it. Even with the f slur. But I can’t say anything. I’m still seen as weird for it, tho I am one of the more accepted ones for it probably cuz I don’t make a big deal about it. I haven’t really dated anyone. Ik if I did or actually talked about how I liked girl I’d be see as weird and looked at funny. Even with girls I’m friends with theyll just single me out for it. Like when we’re joking around and their being silly straight girls, and I’m not even trying to join in, they’ll be like “well not you cuz you’re gay and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.” And then whenever I actually try to share my opinion on gay shit and how it makes me feel it doesn’t even matter. What’s worst of all is one of my best friends doesn’t fucking accept me cuz she’s super Christian. I want to talk to her about it but I can’t I fucking can’t cuz she doesn’t agree. I get asked weird questions or I get asked why im like this. I just wanna be myself for fucks sake. Why can’t anyone get that?

Im out to the whole grade and im really starting to regret it. 

I forgot to mention that my parents are divorced. My dads basically a sex addict but pretends he’s not. He’s just weird with everything, I never know what to do around him. I don’t know exactly what happened to make me get where I am with him, but yeah. Oh and my parents hate each other and don’t hide it. I don’t mind it too much but I bet it has some affect on me. 

Ik if ever told my mom I was gay it wouldn’t go great. There are several possibilities for it. She would either tell me I’m not, tell me I don’t know yet, or pretend to accept me but not really and judge me for it. And the non-binary thing she would hate. She’d wonder why I don’t want to be a woman. She’d say I’m just a masculine girl. But Ik I’m not. I’ve thought for fucking months about that shit and being called a girl and SHE sounds weird and wrong and not me. If I told her my new name too she’d flip. She’d wonder what was wrong with the name she chose and why I don’t like it anymore. She’d take it as a personal offense. 

This just adds to the fact that I can never be myself. But I don’t even know if that’s a good thing. No one at school ever likes when I am. They talk down about the few times I was myself. But I don’t even know wtf that is. I think it’s a little bit of what I am now, but not fully. My mom doesn’t like when I act how I want to at all. And just so you know I’m not some rebellious teen trying to do drugs or something. I just want to vibe as myself fully and without bounds. Do the things I want to do and not hold back. Wear what I want, get my hair how I want. But I can’t. It’s not just them. I’m scared to. I’ve been told my whole life that this is what good successful people do and looking this way or that will get judged and people will think this about you (aka when my mom judges everyone on every little thing). And then if I can be myself maybe I’ll finally be happy. But Ik it won’t work cuz people at school will make fun of me behind my back. I don’t know why I have all these issues or if they’re even issues at all. Maybe I am just a bratty teen complaining about nothing. I feel as tho I should be happy cuz on the surface that’s what it should be. But I’m not. Cuz if this is what happiness is it’s shit. But I don’t even know what that feels like and idk if I ever will.

If you’ve come this far thanks for reading all this. You’ve indulged me for one of my annual “nights” where I break. Thanks. I hope you’re happy. 

[findingmysafespace]

I am tired. Tired of taking the punches. Feels like I am not allowed to be happy. Yes I make mistakes but there is no malice or ill intention to make someone angry or mad. I tried being transparent before and it didn’t work out. I got blamed and I had to apologize for sharing my feelings. I tell people I have an anxiety disorder and things get to me but again that was not given an another after thought. I am the way I am and that makes me sleep at night. I have a lot of issues and I know I have to live in this foreign country where I have limited set of people and how to not feel lonely. It’s hard to explain to people things I have to face internally. I am tired of explaining myself, tired of apologizing, tired of putting my emotions at the back to calm the other person in the fear of they don’t leave me. I did that before in my last relationship and still that person didn’t respect and left me. I wish I was strong to take my stand. To communicate when the other person hurt my feelings. I should also maybe be toxic and don’t reply to their texts for hours and not cut their calls and reply rudely. I am weak and I give in and let them roll over me completely. I don’t know what to do and how to be better. But it can’t go on like this. I am an empty vessel now and there is no feelings anymore. I am completely void of love I feel to give. I can’t doubt myself again and again everyday and feel bad and stop living my life. My work life is hell and my mind is too messy and exhausted to even think about it. Sometimes maybe I think getting fired will help me in the long run. This is a job I don’t like and I feel like a prisoner. One thing I ask is respect for my feelings. I am tired begging for it in every fight. Everyone likes to control me because they know I am not gonna fight back. I will be scared and they know how to manipulate my feelings. And that is true for every single one of them. Maybe not my parents. But everyone. They know my weak points and they know how to use me.

I hate fighting back. I hate giving back to people for bad karma. But all I know is my life is all shit rn and I don’t know what to resolve first. I am tired explaining and I am tired thinking. I hope I get the love I deserve but that’s wishful thinking. I just wish sometimes that I don’t wake up after a nice dream because the reality is too bleak. If I can just reset my mind to clear out all garbage, all doubts and fears that would be for the best. I can’t take back the mistakes I made to try not to hurt people wishing and hoping one day it will all get better. I am waiting for that day. But I still yet canr see the light in this tunnel. The journey is still dark and lonely.

May my life have one day this starry night filled with all the love I can get.

[happychappy]

She just told me that her course friend kept being fucking touchy today. Slapping her ass, cuddling her, kissing her fucking head. I can’t help but feel…RED. I feel so fucking possessive I’m so scared I might hurt her. It’s even worse because I used to be insecure about them together but she reassured me. Hearing that…I want to rip her friend’s head off fr. And then she told me that her friend wanted to hookup with her other friend? Like CLEARLY she’d want to get with MY fucking gf too. All those fucking signs and she still has the nerve to say “No ShE woUlD NeVeR hOoKuP wIth Me” ah FUCKARPPP don’t act dumb bro 🧍and then she says “also, her bf will be at the party” but like what the fuck is the difference if she said it about Kiyanou? Make it make fucking sense. All I can think about is claiming her in front of that whole fucking party now. Just fucking her right in front of her friend’s fucking face. Making eye contact with her friend while my fingers are inside her, her juices dripping from her pussy. Like fuck off bro. Don’t touch what’s not fucking yours you hoe motherfucker. I feel such a fucking rage right now I literally just wanted to rip my room apart. What the fuck. I HATE this feeling. Why can’t I be normal? I just want to put a leash on my gf. Give her hickies everywhere. Put handprints on her ass. I want to just mark her. She’s too fucking SEXY. WHY?! Why the fuck does she have to look so fucking good all the fucking time? Why does she have to draw everyone’s attention to her? Why can’t she be like me? My jealousy issues are a lot worse than I thought. It’s like literally any time she gets a smidge of attention from someone else, I shut down and fucking go cry baby. Like fuck up. Just accept that she was born like that and go on your merry way. She can’t control what other people fucking do bro. Oh that’s also why I’m mad. When she was explaining what she was doing when her friend was being a fucking whore, it didn’t seem genuine. Like she didn’t mind it. Where’s the “fuck off bro”? Where’s the getting angry and pushing her away and screaming? No. Just a “stop 😐” NOT ENOUGH FOR FUCKS SAKE. If you liked it then just fucking say that. She said she was into “nonconsensual consent” too 🧍 she’s right next to me and I miss her so much. But I still feel possessive and I don’t want to hurt her. I feel so empty rn bro. I want to cry HAHAHA after such a good night, it had to end like this. Sophia, if you’re fucking reading this…you’ve betrayed me 🧍 even knowing how my trust issues are. Don’t fucking do it again. I promise I’ll literally break up with you over this reason alone. This is a test of trust

So…I’ve been thinking for a pretty long time now. I was making myself more mad just thinking about it. Finding things to get more upset about, to the point where when I closed my eyes, I tried to think about what makes me truly happy and content. First it was my gf, but then I saw her and Amahre and got fucked off. Then I thought about killing Amahre…it felt good. So I started thinking about killing everyone else that ever even simply looked at my gf and I felt satisfied for a while. Then I started thinking…is this worth it? Is this really what our relationship should be like? My baby does so much for me, and I love her so much. Am I really gonna be upset at her about something she couldn’t control? She’s been working so fucking hard today to pull off her amazing performance, and then I end the day being a shitty gf. That’s not how I want it to be. My mood swings are getting too much for me, it’s fucking pissing me off. She doesn’t deserve that at all. I started thinking about all the things she’s said to me, when she’d reassure me or when she’d be there for me. No. She deserves the world and my fucking trust issues are getting in the way of that. I’m going to start trusting her now. If she hurts me, then she hurts me. And we’ll break up. But for now, I’ll trust her for real this time. She fucking belongs to me and no one else, I just have to understand that. I’m the one that gets to hold her, kiss her, love her, fuck her, grow with her, learn with her, experience life with her. I could not be any more lucky than this.

Also…I kept imagining fucking her and I’d say things like “When you cum, I want to hear my name come out of your slutty mouth. You’re gonna cum for me, and only me. Open your fucking mouth and say who you belong to.” And I’d imagine exactly how she’d sound…that made me happy for a while too. I’d also slap her ass and tell her that if anyone else fucking does that to her, you tell them to fuck off and think of me. “If anyone touches you, you think of this moment where I’m fucking you til you only know my name. My hands. My voice. Me.” I don’t know how my brain is so fucking good at talking, but I’m a quiet little bitch when it comes to real life 🧍 I swear in my head, I’m such a good talker. I’m just too insecure to say it out loud. BOOOORIIIINGGGG

[c-o-r-r-u-p-t]

Yesterday was so awful

I was still riding off the the hour of sleep I got after hoy w Tylee willie and Marianna and then we went out dancing again on top of that after brunch and drinking and walking all day

We get to her place at 11:30pm and there’s been tension all night bc I said at 6 I had no social battery left and at 7 I have an hour or two left in me max and she just didn’t care that we had plans and she wanted to stay out so she was like you can take my keys and go sleep at my apartment but I just wanted to fucking hang o ur w her

Whatever we get back and she explains that bc we’re not in a relationship she doesn’t owe it to me to come back with me or whatever and anyway we had the conversation about how we want different things and I again told her I can’t do that and I have to go and she immediately got mad and physically pushed me away and told me to leave

I packed my bag then asked why she’s mad if we both agreed that there was no other option

She got into the “you don’t like me I’m just pretty and interesting” argument again and I again had to sit there telling her al the things I like about her after she was just mean

She eventually starts talking about her ex and that’s why she doesn’t believe monogamy is real bc someone loved her and she still cheated on her and she can’t trust anyone and blah blah and I asked if we should just stop seeing each other for a little and she said she didn’t want to make any decisions rn so we stopped talking about it there so who tf knows what’s going on

Anyway slept for like 4 hours after that and got called into the vet and while dealing w that thought I remembered in about to walk into the room where rose died for the first time and also pick up her ashes and have to work all day w those thoughts too

Had a mental breakdown in the car, tried to get my shit togwyjwr at work and was kinda doing it until I got roses ashes and broke down in the room she died in.

Then this fucking woman came in

She made us euthanize her dog because it had vertigo. That would most likely fix itself in a few days. Because she didn’t want to hand feed or clean up after her for the few days she would need to

I advocated as hard as I could, I even got a little rude I’ll admit; but neither the doctor or I could convince her and she made us kill her gorgeous happy kind angelic dog because she’s a lazy bitch

I would have done anything for vertigo to be roses only problem.

So whatever there’s that and the new girl I have to train who is definitely on pills or something and that was annoying

Then I got my period

I just wanted to be with shabbi after work but she had a stressful day too so she needed alone time

I got home and started talking to my roommate and he just goes “you need some ketamine. You’re too wound up”

Gave me a bump and I had an interesting shower

Felt a little better

I cuddled my dogs urn in bed with me and cried while I watched Icarly until shabbi woke up and invited me over

I was so excited to finally get comforted but then she found out her boss is dissolving the company so she didn’t have the emotional availability to be there for me

Which I understand but :(

I need a hug so bad :(

:(

So I suck it up and wake up and go to work because it is just another day

And here I am