#i can already picture and god it'd be heartbreaking

[bisexualbrainrots]

If there's a fight scene between Buck and Tommy in 8b I'd love it if they let the actors improvise it.

I don't know how often they get to improvise dialogue in the show, but I am aware they can add their own details to their expressions or maybe a tiny sentence based on interviews.

Lou and Oliver are really good actors and it would be interesting to see how it could go if they had the chance to channel their emotions and show their skills to the max.

[bellysoupset]

Soup! Rn I would looooove to see Luke and sick Vince with Luke being the comforting force this time? Just wanna see those two beans talk and recheck how much they care about each other @writing-whump

Some sickific with heavy brotp, the chef's special.

-------------------

Wendy groaned, pressing her forehead to the cool surface of the chilled water bottle she was holding. She had the start of a headache, from stress, from the lack of rest, from heartbreak...

Vince had just plateau, after almost two whole days shaking with a high fever and throwing up everything he had ever eaten, he was finally sleeping and seemingly able to keep water down. Just when she had considered dragging his ass to the hospital.

Jonah had left early morning and now it was well into the evening, almost night, and Wendy knew she should be getting something to eat for them both... She was just so tired.

Her cellphone startled her and Wendy nearly dropped the water bottle, squealing as she caught it just before the hard plastic could hit her toe and then grabbing her phone before it could wake up Vince sleeping a room away.

Bella's pictured appeared on the screen, her sleeping with her head tilted back and a cowboy hat sitting upon wild curls and blocking most of her face.

Wendy rolled her eyes at the picture the ginger had assigned herself and picked up the call, "hello?"

"Hi Wen," Bella's voice was a touch too soft, but that was expected. Wendy had talked with Luke the day before and learned the ginger had also caught the flu, "how are you?"

"I think I should be asking you that," Wendy chuckled nervously, leaning against the sink of her kitchen and rubbing a hand over her face, "Luke mentioned you got sick as well."

"It'd take a lot more than the flu to knock me out," Bella scoffed, "I'm fine, I'm bored out of my mind and wondering if you wanna come over?"

Now!?

Wendy frowned, "I- what? Come again?" the question was so out of the blue and weird, given the circumstances, that Wendy wasn't sure what to make of it. Girls night while Bella had the rest of a stomach flu and Vince was down for the count in Wendy's bedroom?!

"Yeah, I'm- Luke, I'm telling her, would you wait-"

"Give me the phone-" Luke's voice travelled through the line and Wendy muffled a giggle as she heard them wrestling for the phone. Then it was Luke talking with her, instead of the ginger.

"Can I go over?" straight to the point. Wendy raised her eyebrows and nodded, before she remembered he couldn't see her.

"Yeah, Luke, of course-"

"Let's switch? You can handle my darling wife - stop pinching me, Isabella! - who's bored out of her mind and I can watch Vince?" Lucas' voice was breathless and Wendy's heart squeezed. She felt a weird sense of camaraderie with him, which was entirely misplaced, given Luke knew Vince would be leaving for weeks before Wendy did.

Water under the bridge, she knew it, since Vince was leaving and she was still dating him... But the resentment was still there. Resentment that she couldn't find in her when Lucas' was clearly out of his mind with worry over Vince.

It would be good, to have Luke come over and clear the air with Vince. Make things normal again, so Vince could stop looking like a kicked puppy all hours of the day... Besides, she could use the rest and Bella was already ahead of recovery than Vin was-

"Wendy?"

"Yeah, of course. Can I spend the night?"

"You're gonna end up catching this bug, Wen," Lucas said, sounding relieved, "yeah, we can trade places in the morning, how does that sound?"

"Honestly sounds heavenly..."

"See you in a bit then- Oh my god, Bella, give me the fucking remote and stop messing with my watchlist-"

Wendy chuckled as he hung up and she made her way back to the bedroom to pack an overnight bag. Vince was curled on his side, the empty bucket sitting on the ground next to his head, his black curls sticking out everywhere.

She put everything away inside a backpack, the dropped it by the door and climbed on the bed, combing her fingers through her boyfriend's hair.

He was still overly warm to the touch, a fever that just wouldn't break, and even in his sleep his brows were nearly meeting in a frown. Probably cramps, she thought sympathetically, feeling Vince's tummy growl since she was sitting on his side.

"Vin," she whispered, debating waking him up or not, "Honey...?"

She always forgot he was a light sleeper, because just with that small whisper Vince stirred on the bed and his eyes fluttered open. Drowsy and lost, he struggled to focus on her.

"Hey," Wendy rubbed his arm, "how are you feeling?"

"Gross," Vince groaned, curling up further, "what time is it?"

"Around seven," she stroked his cheek, "Luke and I are exchanging places, okay?"

Vince's dark eyes widened and he suddenly was a lot more alert, "Luke's coming here?"

"He's worried," Wendy shrugged, deciding not to tell Vince just how exhausted she was as well. This could be all pinned on Luke for all she cared, "and he misses you, honey."

"Well, he's the one not talking with me," Vince scoffed, before grimacing as his belly let out a growl. She pressed closer to it, kicking herself mentally for enjoying the sensation and sound when it clearly was making him feel like hell.

"So you'll be an adult and talk with him," she squeezed his bicep, "do you remember anything from the last days?"

"Nearly crushing you to death twice," Vince groaned, closing his eyes, "and barfing everything I ever ate."

She rolled her eyes, "worst is past now," Wendy promised, even if she wasn't so sure. His fever refused to break and he seemed to not be as nauseous, but the way his tummy was churning wasn't promising, "I want you to try some water again."

"It's just gonna come back up," Vince's face scrunched up and Wendy sighed, ignoring the complaint as she reached for the water bottle.

"Just a sip, Vin."

He was pouting as he obeyed, taking a small, tiny gulp, then a larger one when his stomach didn't immediately reject the previous one. He fell back against the pillow, wrapping a hand around her wrist and bringing it to his mouth, pressing a kiss to her pulse point.

"I'm sorry I'm being such a hassle, and right when I'm leaving as well--"

Wendy rolled her eyes, scratching at his scruff, "I don't mind taking care of you, I just wish we didn't spend our last days together with you feeling so wretched."

"I know," Vince pouted, "but I'll see you in five days and-"

There was a knock on the door and Wendy sighed, "hold that thought. I'm going to go, you'll be alright, okay? Text me if you want me to come back, I'll kick Luke out in a heartbeat."

Vince chuckled at that, "I can handle Lucas, he's an idiot, but I sadly love the guy."

She hated how sweet Vince was, it woke up a viciously protective part of her that Wendy didn't know what to do with. She leaned in, pressing a kiss to his brow, "I love you. Don't let Luke be a prick to you."

"I love you as well, have some fun with Bell. Catch some sleep, you look like you need it, honey."

"Uhm, I do," Wendy yawned, kissing his cheek and getting up.

Lucas was waiting in the hallway outside her apartment, with a backpack thrown over his shoulder and grocery bags in his hands. Unlike Wendy, who felt dead on her feet, he looked like he had chugged an energy drink.

"Hi," Lucas said, bouncing on his feet, "thanks for letting me come over-"

"If you make him cry I'm gonna have your liver," Wendy warned him and Lucas couldn't help but open a wide smile at that.

"I know," he nodded, "I swear I'm not here to fight... How is he?"

"Sleepy," Wendy yawned, rubbing her eyes, "watch out for the fever, it still hasn't broken and I'm a little worried about it."

"Yes, ma'am," Luke hit two fingers to his forehead in a salute, "get some rest, Wen."

"Yeah," she yawned again, "thanks for proposing this, I could catch a break... Have fun."

"Sooo much fun," Luke teased her and they crossed the hallway, Wendy leaving and him entering.

The house was fully silent, so Lucas dumped his backpack on the couch and then headed to the kitchen, putting away the multiple bottles of gatorade, the canned soup and all the medicine he had brought, just out of precaution.

There was a noise and he turned around just in time to see Vince slumping against the kitchen's threshold, with a blanket wrapped around his shoulder's like a king's fluffy cape.

"Hi," he said roughly, his voice all raspy, "nice of you to show up in time for my funeral."

Luke rolled his eyes, feeling something horrible settle in his stomach. Guilt, "dying of the flu is just sad."

"Uhm," Vince leaned against the wooden frame that separated Wendy's cramped kitchen from her dining room, pressing his forehead to the surface, "are we gonna talk about it or...?"

"Sure," Luke wrung his hands, quickly regretting even coming over. He wasn't sure how to put into words that he wasn't angry, he was just... Just sad, "I'm sorry. I've been a dick, ignoring you since graduation- Uhm, that wasn't cool."

Vince raised his eyebrows, letting out a bitter huff, his forehead still pressed to the wooden frame, "not cool indeed," he groaned, "why are- Why were you acting like that?"

"Because I don't want you to leave!" Luke blurted out, unable to keep the words in, "because I think you're- You're making a stupid decision and I don't want you to leave and- and I'm afraid you're gonna go and we won't be friends anymore and-"

"Jesus, Lucas," Vince interrupted with a groan, pinching his nose bridge and glaring at his best friend, "I could move to fucking Italy and we wouldn't stop being friends, you're the one who's being stupid. It's four hours, I don't know why you people keep acting as if I'm moving to a different country."

"It fucking sucks to be left behind, sorry," Luke exclaimed, bitterness he wasn't even aware he possessed coating his words, "everyone's got their shit together and big plans and I don't know what I'm doing and- And I thought you'd be here with me, but you won't be and I'm not sure of what to do with myself."

"Luke..." Vince sighed, rubbing his face, "man, you're making a much bigger deal out of this than it is. I'm not going to war, I'm going to teach 4 hours away from here. I'm coming back on the weekends. It's not the end of the world..."

A heavy silence settled over them and Vince turned around, so he could rest the back of his head against the kitchen threshold, instead of his forehead. He was really pale and gulping down...

"Do you want me to go?" Luke asked quietly.

Vince frowned, looking at him, "no, of course not."

More silence.

"I'm really sorry I haven't been there for you," Luke said, his voice even smaller and Vince's knees gave up on holding him up, so he crumpled down and fell on his ass, trying to make it look like he was purposefully lowering himself down.

If Luke noticed the farse, he didn't say much, only watched him intently, looking extremely out of place in Wendy's pink kitchen.

"I forgive you," Vince shrugged, leaning forward and resting his forehead to his knees, breathing through his mouth, "...Do you forgive me?"

"Nothing to forgive," without looking up Vince could hear the relief in his best friend's voice.

"Uhm- I don't feel good, Luke..." he finally voiced it. Part of him meant the past couple of weeks, though mostly he meant the current state of his body and its lack of cooperation.

The water Wendy had forced him to drink was churning in his belly and his head felt heavy.

"Wendy mentioned your fever didn't break," Lucas' voice suddenly was much closer, the other man crouching next to him and planting his cool hand to Vince's forehead. He instinctively leaned on the touch, letting out a breath.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Vince groaned, gulping down nervously when his mouth filled with salty saliva, "...I'm so tired of feeling shitty."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Luke whispered, grabbing his arm, "c'mon, back to bed."

Vince swayed as Luke pulled him up, fully leaning against his best friend and turning his face, burying his nose on Lucas' hoodie. He felt like crap... And better than he had been feeling in a long time.

"You're gonna get sick too," he warned and heard a small scoff, Luke's hand in the middle of his back rubbing in circles as they stumbled through the apartment.

"Definitely," Lucas agreed, but instead of pulling them apart, he pulled Vince closer.

[apsarareads]

PALACE OF ILLUSIONS BY CHITRA BANNERJEE DIVAKARUNI

So the book is about Mahabharat retelling but from Draupadi's POV which was interesting.

Tho Bheem only had only few lines it was really wholesome and comforting to know that he loved draupadi. The story about Mahabharata isn't a mystery to us. We all know what and how it happens........It felt peaceful when the story's title "The palace of Illusions" came into picture, even in the pov of draupadi she described living in this palace as the most peaceful time of her life and same goes for me i really liked the idea of having a palace that is alive and that can read your thoughts tho it kinda scary. This book felt really depressing for me. Having to listen to these men with full ego. Her own dad not loving her, her brother growing distant from her, Krishna becoming her best friend then growing distant, her having to marry Arjuna despite actually wishing for things destiny didn't allow her, kunti being cold to her and controlling her sons and treating draupadi horribly, draupadi having to marry all Five of the Pandavas, then bearing some more cold treatment from her mother in law then coming face to face with the reality that if Arjuna didn't had her all to himself then she'd just because a duty to him than love, and her husbands starting to have other wives. I wanted to scream!! Like i do want to know what happens next but at the same time i already freaking know so I'm dreading the time when her husband yudhishthir will put everything as a bet during the game including her which will lead to some really dire consequences, which the kauravas had it coming for them. And oh God i hate duryodhana so much despite him not having any lines in this book. Or maybe he did?

What I didn't like about this book

Kunti's character oh lord i hated it and also Krishna acting distant to draupadi tho i can understand this part. I hate Draupadi's dad on a whole another level. I hate duryodhana and I'll soon hate dusashan tho i already hate them but I'll hate them more after completing this book. Arjuna in this book acted too much like real men which made my head ache. I also hated how vyasa gave her boon of chastity. 💀🙄

I was really dreading over this book. If i should read it or not because of the some very negative and misleading comments but i decided that if the reviews are correct and it's misleading from what actually happened then I'll write one hell of a negative one myself to warn other's. But other than some fictional element (her crush on karna), it didn't stray from what actually happened in Mahabharata.

For me reading this book has become the hardest task of all. I do want to know draupadi's pov but at the same time reading this tragedy like story is really hard. Because I know what's coming and she's definitely gonna hate herself for it. But being pressured and giving in to her life's destiny it's so sad that when she's finally living her best life destiny once again came to her to destroy her. It's heartbreaking.

If there existed a real POV of draupadi then I'm sure it'd be similar to this book (except for the part, her crush on karna). But it's this book's fictional element and it was quite intriguing to imagine that draupadi sympathized with karna so much that her curiosity turned into a crush. Her heartbreak when having to insult him, her trying to redeem herself but not being able to because even unintentionally she scraped open a really deep wound which he had to bear his whole life. Her thought process had changed so much too in the middle half of the story. Kunti not being a lovable character, it was opposite to how I'm used to hear the stories about her. But well anyways after reading this I'm gonna love and respect draupadi even more. I've always sympathized with her, she tried her very best despite all the chaos going on around her.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Four because I can never love this story (Nevermind i actually loved this book. Specially the last chapter) no matter how much I try same goes for the actual Mahabharata. It's a good read and doesn't have any indecency (It does have some lines so.......but it's not bad) in it so anyone can read but don't take it literally. There were many things which contradicted to how I've been listening stories to, or reading about Mahabharata. Also I found The Narad muni enticing fights among people, mom would call me and my siblings Narad muni at such occasions when we did something similar and i always thought who it was mom was referring to. So...............I found you!!

Note : English is my second language and I'm unaware about a lot of things so be kind to me or I'll be rude to you as well!! 🙄🫢🤭💕

Also these pictures are not mine and were taken from Pinterest so if you're the owner of the picture do DM me for credits since i couldn't find who made these, Do also DM me for the removal of the post if you don't want me using your art.

Thank you~💕

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Ninth Letter

----------------

To: Kim Mingyu

From: Y/N

Dear Mingyu, are you doing well?

Well, we don't see each other often anymore so I'm always wondering that. We used to always bump into each other at the grocery store or the mall. Now, I don't even see you anywhere.

I don't blame you for it. Now that we've broken up, I can feel your love. The love that you gave me when we were together still lingers. I haven't forgotten about you yet. Do you know why? It's because I'm convinced. I still love you.

These days, even after breaking up with you, I still think back on our sweet moments. I stayed up late a few days ago, just thinking back on our relationship and how far in love we were.

Before I go to sleep, I always feel the empty space beside my bed for you. You came by to my dormitory whenever you had the chance and would sleep in my bed because you said you missed me. Thank God my dormitory allowed visitors because if it didn't, we would have seen each other even less.

Even if I was just working on school assignments on my laptop, you would crawl beside me and sleep. Sometimes, no, every time, I couldn't stop myself from messing up your soft hair. You didn't want to bother me and just wanted to be by me so you slept, right?

Well, you sleeping was just as big of a distraction.

I promised to tell you on your birthday when and why I fell for you. Today is your birthday. April 6th.

I'll tell you, in this letter.

It wasn't on the first day that I began working at the cafe with you that I fell for you. I started working at the cafe in the middle of summer break for more money and you were my senior. You know how hard it was for me. I needed money for living expenses and my father was hospitalized for cancer.

I'll get back to the subject. I started falling in love with you because...well, you were you. Your personality, just the way you were made me gradually fall for you. You made my heart flutter and race with your gentle and caring actions. You were also funny and kind and clumsily cute.

Before I met you, I was battling a small heartbreak. I lost one of my friends because I liked them romantically. I was going to push myself away from love because you know, loving me is like a curse. I didn't want to fall in love again but then you... I met you.

At first, I was growing a bit suspicious of you? I was starting to think that you liked me when you always hovered over me and lingered behind me. You also held my hand frequently to ‘help’ me.

I didn't think much of it until I saw your eyes and smile. I always thought that I fell in love way too easily but I don't know how I was able to resist you. That's when your indirect back hugs began to make my heart pound.

Summer break was almost over and I became sure of my feelings the more that I hung out with you. We would also coincidentally meet each other at the grocery store, food markets, and malls, and we were able to hang out together that way too. Shopping with you was fun and memorable.

Since summer break was coming to an end, I didn't want to go back to college with a lump in my chest. I just felt like I should tell you about my feelings while not expecting us to date.

So, that's how I asked you out.

I made sure that it was only us in the kitchen of the cafe. I was pretty confident that you liked me back but I still wanted to ask.

We were washing dishes when I said, “Mingyu, I like you. What do you think of me?”

“You? Of course, I like you too.”

I won't lie, the answer got me a bit disappointed at first, but then you kissed me softly on the lips afterward and made me realize otherwise.

I liked the romance we had. There was no one to tell us apart. At work, when we were alone, you would become all lovey-dovey with me, sneaking kisses and grabbing my hand. I liked it. It gave me this feeling of... Youthful romance?

With you, I was able to overcome everything hard. College was kicking me constantly but I was always excited to come to work. I was always excited for the weekend because we could just lay in each other's arms. We would go on classic dates, holding hands, walking. Mingyu, it was because of you that I was able to smile.

You even visited my father with me, bringing delicious foods that you made yourself. Do you know how grateful I am for that? I always thanked you but I am truly thankful. My dad liked you a lot and wanted to see you often. Seeing you two get along made me happy.

I was really happy but of course, the curse had to strike and everything we built had to come tumbling down.

We didn't last long enough to even celebrate your birthday, which is regretful. I actually already had a gift for you, a nice watch because you recently broke yours, but I guess I can't give it to you. Maybe I'll slip the watch in the envelope with this letter.

I know for you, it'd be hard to believe what I'm about to say but please, believe me. I was cowardly and because I didn't want to hurt you more in the future, I made that decision.

Mingyu, I know I still love you.

Maybe there was a chance that we would break through and not drift apart but to me, that's nothing but assumptions and I don't want to get ahead of myself.

College is tough and I'm sure you understand that. After I got fired from the cafe, I knew that I wouldn't be able to see you that much anymore. Plus, you also know that I started taking more part-time jobs to pay for my father's hospital bills and my own living. We both needed money just as much as we needed each other.

Maybe if I made the decision of ignoring that guy, I wouldn't have gotten fired; but I couldn't stand it. I saw you too, clenching your fist as you watched, I just got to the guy before you did. I mean, how could he so publicly harass one of the waitresses? I was so angry and got out of control, so I threw a milk bottle at him. I don't know if I should regret that choice.

I don't want you to think that you were nothing but filler, something to fill in my romance cravings amidst my hectic schedules. I truly loved you and I know that because I feel it. I can feel this strong desire to stay with you, see you smile, spend time with you...

And if you read this letter, you might ask, “Then why did you break up with me if you felt like that?”

Well, I didn't want to become a burden.

The day was already gloomy and the weather said it was going to rain. I asked to meet up and when you rushed over, I could tell that you already knew what was coming.

I don't have enough time for love. My weekends became bombarded with part-time jobs so I was rarely at the dormitory. My schedules became hectic and school just made it harder for us to see each other.

It was beginning to rain when I started talking.

“Mingyu, I think we should stop seeing each other; we don't even see each other often.”

“But it's fine, isn't it? Why would we...”

“You know how it is for me.”

“It'll be fine, Y/N. I'll be here for you no matter what.”

I shook my head.

“Let's just break up.”

I don't know what was going on in your head but I'm sure you were angry. I couldn't read your eyes and I couldn't tell what you were thinking because I was consistently repeating to myself in my head while holding back my tears, ‘I'm sorry’.

“Why? We can overcome this! I'm sure I can help your father get better. We can live together, we can help each other.”

“I'm sorry, Mingyu.”

I remember you took my hand when as I was turning to leave. I almost cried.

“Why?” You asked. “I know we can...”

“Mingyu... don't get ahead of yourself. I don't want to ruin our relationship because of my problems.”

It was painful for me to let you go. I just gave you my umbrella and boarded the bus. You were too late and started chasing it but didn't catch up. I began crying so much that I had to cover my face and mouth. I'm sure people were looking at me. With rain pattering the windows, my tears flowed.

I hope that somewhere, you have left a trace of me.

I have a feeling that somehow, I could have chosen a better solution for this problem. Now that I'm spending a few days back here at my house, I miss you more than usual. I dream every day that maybe, we'll meet again coincidentally and you had been waiting for me, but who am I to think that when I was the one who ended it?

You've stopped posting on your social media.

Yesterday night, I looked back on our pictures in my photo gallery and my heart ached so much. Just seeing your smile was enough to cheer me up but break me down at the same time.

I wanted to reach out to you today and wish you a happy birthday. I kept typing and erasing, typing and erasing, and in the end, I didn't send any sort of text. Your birthday is almost over and I haven't said anything nor have I given you my gift. I'm sorry. If I do send the gift, maybe we'll see each other again, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see you again.

Your puppy-like personality, your sweet words, your soft gestures, your smile that can light up my world, your everything that I loved, I miss it all. Will time do its work?

Maybe one day I will move on and forget you.

I don't think we have another chance.

You probably feel betrayed that I don't think our love was powerful enough to overcome my problems. Was I selfish? I think so. Now that I think about it, I didn't want to drag you into my problems but I didn't give you much chance to speak. I didn't want to hurt you but even then, I only thought about myself. I guess I didn't want the guilt of having you bear my problems with me. I was selfish and didn't consider anything else.

I couldn't think of any other solution.

If we did continue dating, would it have been better or worse for us? Would we have broken up with bigger scars or would we have continued our love with stronger hearts?

Yes, I was stupid. I'm a fool and I'm sorry. I won't be mad if you resent me because I'm just a cowardly fool. This letter makes me realize that now, belatedly.

All this time, I thought I was doing something right by not taking you into hell with me.

In the end, I still don't know if I chose the best choice for us.

Yours truly,

Y/N

-----------------

© serenityseventeen

7/2/21 - 3:17 pm

a/n: I have finally learned the chorus choreography to RTL. It's not as hard as Home or Getting Closer but it's also tiring lol. I need to work more on my posture and angles to make it look good. What should I learn next...?

[sparkleswritings]

Prompt 12 -> Cuddling by the fireplace + Kakashi Hatake

I think this might be one of my favourite works for him- But you guys can be the judge of that.

And yes, reader has some history with him, but what that consists of is up to your imagination ;)

Enjoy!

Word count: 959

Tags: Angst, fluff (?)

"Y/N," Kakashi's eyes widened upon seeing you, at his doorstep, looking rather dressed down considering the weather. "I have so many questions."

"I didn't think it'd snow and your place was the closest," you grumbled, not even bothering with the manners and pleasantries at this point. The cold can really make one snappy. "Now, are you going to let me in or what?"

"Well, I don't really want you freezing to death if I could help it," the door widened and he stepped to the side. 

You mumbled a thanks and rushed in, only to find that the interior was not as warm as you had thought.

"Kakashi- do you even turn on your heater?"

Said man shut the door behind him with a click before replying,"ah yeah, they're on. Is it not warm enough for you?"

"Not really…" you murmured, but you didn't exactly want to complain. Considering your vague relationship status with him, him letting you in was already something to be grateful for.

"Can I just, maybe, make tea for myself? Or anything you have really, I'll be out of your hair as soon as I'm warmed up."

And you meant it. You wanted to get out and come back home as fast as possible, but with the winds picking up and the snow falling faster and thicker, it doesn't look like you could anytime soon.

"You know, funny thing is I ran out of hot beverages. I would go out to buy some but," Kakashi gestured to the window then bent down to open a drawer. "Will warm water do?"

"Yes," you said, cupping your hands around your mouth and breathing into them. A minute longer out there and you'd surely turn into an icicle. This is why you need to read up on the weather report sometimes.

You could hear Kakashi rummage around for a glass, pouring some water into it, but other than that the room was silent. So silent it made you uncomfortable. But what were you expecting? Asking him about his plans for the holidays? Or even worse, asking him how his life was at the moment? Such small talk would've been possible if it weren't for-

"Here you go," your thoughts were interrupted by him handing you a steaming cup of water. 

"Thank you," you said, making sure your hands did not touch while he was passing the cup to you. The warmth instantly made you loosen up a little and for the first time since you got here, you took a good look around.

"Never knew you had a fireplace."

He was out of your sight, so you didn't know what he was doing or even where he was, but you assumed he was by the window where you saw a plain wooden chair had been.

"It's built in. I never use it though, except during Christmas day when the kids come to visit."

At that, a small smile tugged at your lips. Before you could stop yourself, you had asked yet another question.

"How are they? Naruto, and Sakura? And Sasuke?" 

You heard Kakashi let out a breathy chuckle,"Naruto's grown quite nicely, still as spritely as ever though. Sakura's in med school now as far as I'm concerned. And Sasuke's...well, the same as he's always been."

"I'm glad to hear that," you pulled the now empty cup close to your chest, its warmth cooling rapidly now that its heat source was gone. 

As if on cue, the doors and windows rattled slightly. The snow looked like it was getting worse. You shivered.

"I'll be right back," Kakashi said all of a sudden. You turned round and saw him getting up from that wooden chair you pictured him sitting in. Ah, he was reading that god awful book series. Was he still into that kind of thing? Thinking about just how much you missed made a pang of nostalgia echo from your chest to your ears, much like how the physical cold had made you feel. 

You shivered.

With all that was going on inside your head, you didn't notice him come back, but you were forced to notice when the fireplace blazed into life.

"You didn't...have to do that," you squirmed in your seat, now comfortably warmed by the roaring flames. Why did he have to be so caring? When you were the one who technically barged in unnoticed. 

Kakashi just shrugged, before sitting beside you with a distance in between, reopening that book you saw him reading earlier.

Silence again. And you couldn't bear it. This god be damned snow had brought you to face old memories you thought you forgot, but still deeply cared about. Curse it all. 

You were warm on the outside now. But why were you still feeling cold? Where was it that the flames couldn't reach?

"Kakashi."

Through your quickly blurring sights, you could see him turn to face you out of the corner of your eye. 

"You don't have to...and I-i'm being selfish but-" you struggled to say the words without quivering, tears that should have fallen a long time ago now falling down the sides of your cheeks. "Would you hold...me?"

It was a ridiculous request. And you wouldn't even be upset if he didn't comply, but as those oh so familiar strong arms wrap around you and the feeling of his head on your shoulder, the something that has been keeping all the hurt back broke. And you broke. But it was looking like it'll all be alright now, because he was here now.

Even if the heartbreak was your own fault, even if this relief was only temporary, you were glad he still embraces you like he did the first time.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-One [PT. 1]

A/N: Part 2 coming tomorrow.

Words:3k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of drug abuse, mentions of miscarriage, sexual situations

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NIKKI

I stare down at the small, black and white pictures of seemingly nothing except a tiny, tiny little blob, except for one picture which is marked with “4 months” on the back, February 14th, 1986, in white marker in Vivs’s handwriting, one picture out of seven, each with dates…she doesn’t say a word to me, and she didn’t before she handed them over. She just chunked them in my lap and went from there.

I don’t know what to ask, because I don’t know what to say.

“Are these…?” I finally get out, looking at her.

She’s got tears in her eyes, and it slowly starts sinking in.

These are fucking kids--well, tiny little embryo kids, or whatever.

“These are your’s?” I ask next and she nods.

When the hell was she ever fucking pregnant?

I check the dates again…

1983.

1984.

1984.

1985.

1986.

1986...the back of it says “twins.”

“Where was I when all of this was happening?” I ask her, and she licks her lips and breathes out.

“I don’t know, Nikki, where were you?” She replies lowly.

I look at her for a moment, trying to decide if she’s serious or not.

Then she digs in her purse and pulls out a paper, unfolding it before going through the list of dates assigned to each ultrasound image, reciting to me--in my own words from diaries--my whereabouts around the time she lost each one.

I take it that she’s already skimmed through a diary or two already.

I get angrier and angrier with each line, shaking by the time she starts on, “1986--you were unconscious while me and Andy McCoy were trying to resuscit--”

I throw the pictures and they all split from each other and scatter around her, cutting her short.

“None of this is my fault, Vivian!” I scream at her, my heart feeling as though it’s rotting behind my ribs. “I didn’t fucking know!”

“How could you fucking know when you were so damn hig--”

“You came home in ‘83, from that appointment and told me it was a false-positive test and you had just gained a little weight. I wasn’t on smack in July of 1983. In fact, I went a little while on just Tylenol and beer while I was tampering off my heavy meds the doctor prescribed for my shoulder. So you could have fucking told me then what the fuck was happening, instead of shutting down and shutting me out for three goddamn months!” I’m crying without realizing it until hot tears prick down my cheeks, my skin uncomfortable as my nerves singe from my boiling blood. “I loved you, I had just married you for Christ sake--I was happy and excited to be at that point with you and you fucking left me for three months! You’d barely let me touch you, you wouldn’t come out of our room, you wouldn’t wanna go out, I’d sleep on the fucking couch or crash at Robbins or Tommy’s because you’d tell me you just wanted to be alone, and all along I thought it was my fault because I went to that fucking party with Tommy instead of staying with you the night of our wedding and you were just making me pay...and then when you were put on medication I thought it was my fault, too, because I thought you’d figured out I was tampering with smack, and I just…” I’m up and pacing, hands in my hair…

Amber doesn’t say a word.

I think Viv broke her, too, because she looks like she’s trying to find the right thing to say.

Maybe she’s hoping we can talk this one out on our own.

But I don’t want to talk anything out.

Not right now.

“I didn’t tell you about them because I was scared you would cope with the pain the same way you’d coped with pain for years. I was afraid you’d drink and drug yourself and leave me to deal with it by myself, and I didn’t want to put that on you, so I just dealt with it myself.” Vivian admits, her voice cracking.

“Vivian, you haven’t dealt with it, though.” Amber quietly interjects, softly. “You haven’t dealt with it. You haven’t allowed yourself to heal.”

“When were you going to tell me about this?” I shakily ask, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.

“When you died.” She says next, honestly, her tone a dead giveaway that it’s not something she’s proud of, but it’s the truth. “I was just gonna bury the pictures with you, just in case you had random kids coming up to you in the next life, you’d know who they were, I guess.”

I feel sick to my stomach at the confession, my whole body repulsed with the fact that she’s managed to hide this the past four years.

“Nikki, if you need to take a break, we can,” Amber assures me.

I’m getting the fuck out of there as fast as I can, just desperate to get some air that Vivian isn’t breathing her demoness presence into, and the second I get free, I'm puking my guts up in the hallway. 

I know I had a reason to be angry with her, she hid that from me, like I'd hid so much from her. She thought she was protecting me, though, and I just didn't want her to leave me because I was a pussy and a piece of shit--and I knew it. 

I was more pissed at myself, though, because I knew I'd put her in the position to feel like she couldn't come to me and tell me she was pregnant, let alone had lost it, even before I was on smack. 

She knew how I handled shit--either drink, do whatever drug was accessible, or both. 

When heroin and crack entered the picture, that just cemented her will not to tell me about it. 

I think the biggest elephant in the room, though, despite her being pregnant with Duff's baby at that point, and me and my thing with Vanity and all the other women, and her hidden pregnancies, was the fact she never wanted to get married to me that fast, and I knew it. 

I knew it the day we got married that she didn't really want to, she was just trying to make me happy, and I fucking let her do it because I was so terrified that I was going to lose her if I didn't go as far as I could to secure her to me. 

The amount of unnecessary bullshit she could've bypassed had I just taken a step back and told her we didn't have to get married if she didn't want to...I often times think it would've saved her a lot of heartbreak. We could've broken up when shit hit the fan with smack in '84, I still would've lived through my bad OD in '87,  probably, and we could've gotten back together when I cleaned my shit up--that is if she would've waited for me...and that's why I didn't let up. Because "if she waited" wasn't good enough. I didn't want "if." 

I wanted her. 

So I married her, knowing she didn't want to, and instead of proving her wrong and giving her a relationship to question why she ever second guessed vowing an eternity together with me, I put her through hell, treated her like shit, abused her, endured her abuse, wasted each other's time, hurt each other, ruined each other more and more than what we were when we got into the relationship. 

And that was my first indiscretion against her. 

Marrying her knowing she wasn't ready.

By the time I finish puking, I'm leaning against the wall, taking deep breaths, hearing Vivian crying, still in Amber's office. 

I squeeze my eyes closed, my palms roughly wipe my stray tears. 

Despite being sober, the little fuck that is Sikki is trying to claw out of the box I've put him in for over a month, now. 

Just the faintest, "leave her," echoes in my mind. 

"Fuck you." I audibly tell him. 

"She never wanted to be with you in the first place. Why do you think her body refused to carry your fucking kids? Because she hates you so much that it'd be an abomination to have your little hell rats." 

"Fuck off." I argue, again. 

"And just think about it. The timing of this one she's got now...she was getting her brains screwed backwards right next door to you while you were keeling over. It was like she knew what was about to happen and she was celebrating the fact she wouldn't have to fucking deal with your shit ever again." He taunts, getting more and more of his scraggly hand out of the box, the lid cracking open to reveal his white, sallow skin and dark eyes. 

"Fuck off." I gritt out once more. 

"What's wrong? You don't think she'd do that? After all the times you've admitted she's an evil bitch from the pit fires of hell? Because I think she'd do it. In fact, I bet she'd stare your overdosing carcass in the eyes, screaming out his name in ecstasy, while dripping cum at the mere fact you were dying." 

I slam the lid of the box back down, crushing his boney, track riddled fingers, making him curse me. 

I refuse to listen to his bullshit anymore. 

Vivian loves me. She wants to be with me. She'd be gone by now if she didn't, and I wouldn't blame her. 

1 9 8 1

"Ummm…" I trail off, watching her closely, lickikg my lips, my hand grabbing at the curve of her hip over the comforter she's got pulled up to her chest, her head in the crook of my elbow, looking up at me, awaiting my answer. "...I don't know." I say, honestly. 

"As theological as you are and you can't tell me whether or not you think Aliens are real?" She asks and I roll my eyes. 

"I don't know, miss honor roll, you tell me." I counter and she grins. 

"I think the universe is too big for it to just be us." She informs me. 

"Ah, says the one who also believes a heaven and a God exists within the same wide range of universe." I reply and she hits my bare chest with the back of her hand, gently. 

"Shut up." She says, shaking her head a little. "Is it not reasonable to think there's more than just us?" 

I think about it for a moment. 

"I wouldn't be surprised if aliens are real, I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't." I admit, rubbing my eye for a second. 

"What about God?" She asks next and I try not to laugh in her face. 

"I'm almost one hundred percent sure that God doesn't exist." I state. 

"How do you know?" She says, blinking emerald greens at me, as if what I'm about to say about her imaginary friend she's been brainwashed into believing in, is going to make or break her.

"I'm not sure, baby, I just think...fine, tell you what, I wouldn't be surprised if God were real, and I wouldn't be surprised if he weren't real." I give her the benefit of the doubt. 

"I'd be surprised if he weren't." She tells me. 

"Yeah? Well, how do you know he is real?" I question her, next, a teasing smile on my lips. 

"I don't know, you can't see him or hear his voice audibly, but you can feel him." She explains the best she can and I raise my brows. 

"You can feel God?"

"Well, yeah." She replies, her finger tracing along the few bits of chest hair I've got and I lick my lips for a second before leaning down, kissing her. 

"What about now?" I ask, grinning as my hand pushes away at the covers over her to run against the smooth skin of her thigh and she smiles just a little before pressing her lips to mine, one of her hands threading in my hair with her other arm snakes around me, pulling me on top of her and I chuckle lowly, nestling between her legs while we get hot and heavy with our tongues and teeth.

Both of us let out satisfied breaths when I slide into her, her eyes fluttering closed, brows furrowed slightly, head leaning back as her nails bite into my arms. 

I pat myself on the back and trail hot, wet, sloppy kisses along her clavicle before pulling out of her again, a little shudder going up my back from the tight, soaking heat between her legs. 

When I start building a slow but hard rhythm, her legs are locking at the base of my spine, her arms hugging at my back, pulling me to her as, "Nikki," slips from her lips. 

"What about now?" I ask in her ear as I force myself as deep into her as her body will let me, and she whimpers out, "yes."

A sadistic little pat to my ego causes a pull at my lips, my hand wrapping around her throat as I stare down at her, her nails clawing down my back, tears in her eyes as I thrust back into her…

I kiss at her lips, her cheek, her jaw, moving my hand from her throat to kiss her neck and I swear I hear the faintest, barely inaudible whisper of, "I love you," but decide I'm just hearing things...

Present

I squeeze my eyes shut, the smell of my puke wafting in my face, making me take several steps back to catch my breath. 

It's hard to swallow the fact that I really let myself be convinced for so long that I'd let her fuck my life up, to the extent of blaming her for my life actually being fucked up.

"Fuck." I curse at myself, raking my hands down my face. 

How the fuck am I going to make this right with her? 

How the fuck is she going to make this right with me? 

She's pregnant, with Duff's kid or whatever, and then BAM! just drops this shit on me that she's actually been pregnant multiple times from me and never mentioned losing any of them to me. 

I know it's my fault that she didn't tell me. I know it is. Am I going to admit that to her? Fuck no. Am I hurt over her not telling me anyway? Yeah, I am. 

If I wasn't in sobriety penitentiary, I'd probably be out and about trying to find something to numb and distract me…

I don't know what to do. 

But I do know one thing for sure: I'm not in love with her anymore, but I love her, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same exact way about me...but it's not like we can't get back to that place we were in when we first got together, it's just gonna take some work...a lot of work.

I huff out a breath, taking a moment to get my shit together, mentally. 

Do I go back in there and finish out today or just try again next week? 

I think on it for a minute…

"Fuck it." I say out, shakily, weakly, tears break past my lash line once again, 

a far cry from that tough motherfucker I swore I was for years. "Just fuck it."

Fuck this.

Fuck her.

And fuck me.

[loth-wolffe]

oh. my. god.

this is amazing. I am lOVING THIS.

u know op when you said:

The scars on his face being a painful reminder of him ordering his Empire squad to brun his family alive.

when me and my sis watched the ep, she said "how hard will it be for the batch to see crosshair and know they did that to him," and is like. no. i mean. they will have to see him but, considering how unapologetic they're being, they'll be like "uh sorry, wasn't our fault!" and I said "fuck them. it'd be harder for crosshair having a permanent reminder not just about what he did to his brothers, but what he did for the empire. all those atrocities he committed will not only follow him in nightmares, but when he'll look in the mirror, they will be there too." and now listen, my sister hates crosshair, but that comment really made her sad.

aND YES IT IS SO SAD.

every time we talk about cross coming home, she says he'll be just like the good ol' crosshair, an asshole that secretly loves his bros. and I'm thinking, well mAYBE.

and op says that wants a brutal shift. and it's like. yeah. maybe. but filoni is an asshole too, so we probably won't be seeing much of that.

maybe a lil bit of sheepish crosshair looking at his bros as he mumbles a quiet apology, and coming from crosshair they know he really means it.

i picture the reunion like the typical reunion, right: crosshair at one side, without the chip, maybe with omega maybe not, and the others are on the other end, as soon as they see crosshair they aim and are ready. i mean ready to shoot him. hesitating just to see what he does because they always. always. wait for him to make the first move.

and cross is like, just standing, and he probably cracks a snarky remark that makes them know he's back.

I don't think Crosshair will lose himself that much, because then again he was already lost and he's gaining himself back once the chip is removed. maybe crack a few snarky jokes here and there, being a bit more quiet than before, heavy silences hanging around the marauder and tense talks with the guys, because every traumatic event takes from you and changes you, and you don't know how to act around those you hurt.

but aLSO, let's not forget that the batch trusts you when they decide you're trust worthy.

like echo in clone wars. at first they were all "uh, this guy is GOING to betray us" and that's literally all they said until echo proved them wrong.

was there any doubt? echo asks when he gets the job done.

and tech tells him that yes, there was, actually.

and with wrecker. right after they removed his chip they're all like "yay wrecker's back who cares if he tried to kill us all like, an hour ago!"

so I hope is the same with crosshair, maybe they walk around a lil bit, being cautious in hopes he won't snap and just. go back to the chip ways(? so maybe it's tense from both ways, and crosshair will prove that he is someone they can trust a few times until they warm up to him.

i think he knows. my boy cross. that he isn't a monster, that his actions were not his, much more when (hopefully) they explain to him how the chip works. I think he feels a bad person, because he did those things anyways.

I feel like his redemption will be very much like bucky barnes'??? where he's all emo trying to prove himself and that scene from civil war keeps popping in my head whenever I talk about crosshair's redemption arc. where steve says something like "whatever you did, it wasn't your fault, you didn't have a choice" and buck gives him this heartbreaking face, a sad smile and blue eyes filled with hurt, bc bucky himself knows this, and he says that he knows, but that's not the problem, it's not that either he believes if it wasn't or not his fault, it's that despite if it was or wasn't, he still did all those things.

and I feel like that's what's going to be with crosshair. mark my words. crosshair will be remorseful and will be all sad and emo like my boy bucks and probably someone (maybe omega) will tell him that it wasn't him, but he will say that "he still did those things". and crosshair or not crosshair. he still hunted them down, and shoot them, and almost killed them. and that's what will haunt him forever.

anyways, I don't know if I went off topic ?? with some things I said but yeah. op you did such a splendid break down and those lil moments you wrote of vulnerable!crosshair got right into my murder toothpick feels.

THE BAD BATCH THEORY

Some spoilers of ep1, ep2 and ep8

Also a TW later on (it’s notified so don’t worry)

I hate it, but I still think about what my bf told me a few days ago about Crosshair

Basically he told me “I’m sure he doesn’t have a chip and he’s willingly following the Empire”

And I was like “no because he reacted to Order 66, said the infamous ‘good soldiers follow orders’ and they showed a scene where he was tortured as they enhanced his chip so it could totally take control of him”

Seguir leyendo

[thelennystorm]

I love it! And that picture is /priceless/! If Izuku stays in the past, I think it'd be a good pairing. If he doesn't... it'd probably be heartbreaking? It wouldn't necessarily have to be, but it might be weird?? But it's a great plot even if there isn't any pairing at all! It could be totally platonic, if you're uncomfortable with that pair. I can imagine Izuku having a breakdown once he realizes it's younger All Might bc?? 'why is he so adorable? he's like a puppy??' Though, applying to U.A.?

Oh god. I cant write another heartbreaking bnha fic, someonelll cry again. Ill cry again.

Its not even that im uncomfortable with it, its more that im so used to creators being attacked for going outside normal limits and it scares me, because i still have memories of being told to kill myself over what i wrote when i was /thirteen/. Like, “don’t listen to the haters” is a great motto for healthy content creators, but it’s also really hard to put into practice when you’ve already been treated like shit multiple times.

(I actually love any interactions the midoriya family has with toshi, whether it be shipping or platonic, because they all deserve better than what they got)

(Yuuei means he can keep being a hero as well as keep a eye on this self-destructive labrador in human form)