#i am unwell and excited and soaring and screaming

[hellishfig]

hey @worldsbeyondpod !!!

this last episode was absolutely stunning. beautiful and heartwrenching and terrifying and glorious.

i lay in the back of my mom's car with my headphones in and cried while eursulon yelled and ame and suvi fought. a tear got in my ear (not comfortable fyi). i was fully wrecked.

every episode that you release, i listen and think, "there's no way they can top this one. it's too good. they've peaked." and then, two weeks later, you prove me wrong. every single time.

i still have so much to look forward to. whether suvi will divulge what she learned from her identify spell on herself (!!! absolutely incredible scene). if eursulon will start calling suvi by her name again instead of calling her sky (!!!!! BRILLIANT character move) and what he might say to her, considering his own feelings about the citadel and what morrow did to naram. what ame will do now that the majority of the coven has voted to join the stranger in black and she and indri have voted no (!!!!!!! i KNEW hakea would vote yes and i STILL love her the most out of the coven of elders [aside from ame]). the true motives of mirara and her king under stars (!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? they intrigue me). the story keeps expanding and keeps getting better.

aabria, lou, erika, brennan, and taylor, you have made a world and a story that has enchanted me entirely. if there is magic in this world, you have embodied it. thank you so much for what you create.

[a-butterfly-on-his-tummy]

Like Allie & Noah

Filling my pink polka dot mug with hot water, I stir in some lemon and honey, hoping it will soothe my sore throat. Every joint in my body aches so I attempt the least amount of movement, dragging my feet across the wood flooring from the kitchen and into the theater room down the hallway. Placing my tea on the side table, I switch on the baby monitor before I wrap myself in a blanket like a burrito, ready to hunker down and get cozy. Laying my head on the side of the sofa, I wiggle my body to get comfy.

My finger pushes the buttons on the remote slowly, finding the movie I want, pressing play. Reaching for my mug, I set it against my lips, sipping the hot liquid, wincing as it stings my sore swollen throat. The beautiful piano music from The Notebook flutters against my ears, cocooning my soul in a familiar wave of calm. This movie, our movie, always makes me feel better when I am unwell.

About 35 minutes into the movie, as Noah opens the door of his dream house, showing Allie the inside, the door to the entertainment room is opened. My eyes shift in that direction, landing on Harry as he casually leans against the door frame.

“The Notebook? Feeling poorly? Or did you just miss me?” He smiles, his eyes glued to the projection screen on the wall in front of me.

“Both.” My voice croaks; I pull the blanket closer to my face. Noah strips his shirt and so does Allie; they begin to kiss and come together as one on the floor.

“Allie reminds me of you during sex.” Harry chuckles. “Chatterboxing away. You are never quiet, especially during sex.” I can hear the smile in his voice as he teases me about my tendency to talk all day and night.

“Can you stop making fun and just hold me?” I ask.

“I’ll come hold you, but you know it’s true.” He chuckles as he makes his way towards the sofa. Toeing off his loafers, Harry plops on the couch, patting his lap twice. I switch my position, laying my head in his lap. There is something special about having your husband’s fingers run through your hair in the comforting way. I instantly feel a million times better. Safe. Protected. Cared for.

“Bug asleep?” My husband asks.

“Yes. About an hour ago. Went to sleep without a fight.” I share.

“Ah, must have known you weren’t feeling well.” He rubs his thumb across my cheek in comfort. “I’ll take her tonight.” I mumble a thank you, grateful at his willingness to help even though he has a long day of meetings tomorrow. I adjust my head on his lap pulling my attention back to the movie.

Allie swims in the ocean, throwing her arms wide, proclaiming she is a bird. Asking Noah to state he is one too. Harry’s hands stop moving as he speaks up. “I’ll be your bird.” His words are sweet and tender; his hands begin to move again. I don’t need to answer, he knows I’m his too.

I can feel his body tense as he quotes the movie with Allie and Noah. “It’s not in the cards for me.” “What am I going to do in New York?” “Be with me!” “Are you breaking up with me?” “I don’t know how this is going to work.” Allie screams at Noah to leave, and Harry’s hands hold his heart, as if he is feeling the pain with them.

“Ouch.” I say after the scene ends, tears flowing from my feverish eyes.

“They just stomped on my heart.” Harry rubs his hands down my side, giving me comfort in this heartbreak we just witnessed for the millionth time.

Lon comes into the movie and as he asks Allie on a date Harry lets out a small outburst that makes me giggle. “Don't do it, Allie. You love Noah! You know you do!” His heart and soul are invested, and it makes me smile.

The movie moves on and Lon proposes to Allie, crushing our hearts into a million pieces. “Look at that kiss, darling.” Harry points to the screen. “No passion whatsoever.” He lets out another sigh before yelling at the screen as if Allie can hear every word he is saying. “THERE IS A REASON NOAH'S FACE CAME TO YOUR MIND, ALLIE! NOAH IS THE ONE FOR YOU. YOU LOVE HIM. WE ALL KNOW IT. STOP LYING TO YOURSELF! LYING IS BAD.” I move my hand to his thigh, patting him softly, hoping it will calm his excitement.

“Want warm tea? I’m sure that’s gone cold.” My husband says as I lift the mug towards my lips. I take a sip and swallow the chilly liquid, realizing it doesn’t do much for my throat at this temperature.

“It’s okay.” I reply. Harry learns forward, grabbing the cup from my hands.

“Won’t take me long.” Standing from the couch, Harry exits the entertainment room, and my body feels lonely without him by my side.

Padding into the room in his socks Harry sits on the couch right as Allie pulls her car up to Noah’s house. “Oh I missed the part where she passes out. I like that part.” He chuckles, placing the warm cup smelling of fresh lemon and honey  in my hands.

“I saw your picture and was wondering if you were okay. So are you okay?”  “NO, HE IS NOT OKAY. YOU ARE WITH ANOTHER MAN, ALLIE. JESUS!” Harry holds the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath. “These two need to figure it out.” His comment makes me chuckle. His dedication to movies, especially sad chick flicks, makes my heart soar.

“It breaks my heart that she doesn’t remember them.” I say in reference to Noah and Allie’s children visiting them at the care center. “I can’t imagine losing my mind that way. Not being able to remember the ones you love the most.” My husband moves his hands along the top of the blanket, rubbing my body softly.

“Yes, but if that happens, know I’ll be there every day. Reminding you of our love. Because just like Noah said Allie is his home, Darling, you are my home.” I nuzzle my head deeper into his lap, allowing the tears to leak from my eyes and drip from my nose onto the fabric of his pants.

“You mean...you bring me home…” Harry chuckles at my sad attempt at singing a song from his debut album.

“Yes Darling, you always bring me home.” He leans over, kissing my temple, and then pulls the blanket up my body, making sure I’m warm.

“Can you imagine being out on the lake during a rainstorm like that? How crazy would that be….” I say.

“Shhhh.” Harry interrupts. “It’s my favorite part.” Adjusting his spot, I can feel him lean over slightly, watching the film intently. Ah yes, The rain storm. His favorite part. “This is when they see they are meant to be.” “It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” He quotes along with them. His heart could burst with happiness as the two characters kiss. “That was beautiful.” His hand moves into my hair again, brushing across my forehead. “You feel feverish, I’ll be back.”

Jumping up before I can comment, Harry runs to the medicine closet, coming back with two pills, handing them to me before settling back in, adjusting the blanket on my body. I take the medicine, placing my mug back on the table and snuggling my way back into his lap.

“I hate how she leaves aga…” Harry starts to complain.

“Shhh.” I interrupt. “This is my favorite part. Look! Here she comes! She is coming back for him!” My heart feels as if it might explode with happiness as they embrace. They are back in each other’s arms.

Harry sings along with the movie, bringing memories of the time that my husband and I danced in a field of poppies before sharing our first kiss.

“I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places That this heart of mine embraces All day and through In that small cafe The park across the way The children's carousel The chestnut trees The wishing well I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day In everything that's light and gay I'll always think of you that way.”

We both burst into tears as Allie’s memory slips away, causing her to forget who Noah is. My heart hurts for Noah as he tries to calm his wife who is unsure of who she is.

The movie ends, and we sniff together, allowing our emotions to sit between us through the credits. My husbands hand pats my head softly; I lift, allowing him to shift his body next to mine, pulling me close.

“Feel better?” Harry asks, kissing my temple softly.

“Yes. One of my favorites.” I nuzzle my head into his neck, his arms wrapping around me, bringing my body against his chest.

“Mmm, mine too.” Harry whispers. “My love for you is as strong as Noah’s love for Allie. I’ll be here even if you forget who I am.”

“Same, my love. Same.” I croak, my voice raspy due to my sore throat.

“Wanna take a bath? Might help with the fever that is starting to rise.” Harry asks, resting his cheek against my forehead. I nod my head and Harry gets off the couch, wrapping his arms around me, carrying me from the entertainment room into our bathroom. Taking care of me the way Noah always took care of Allie.

[anonsally]

Recent post-vaccine activities

For the past few weeks, my coworkers and I have been having a picnic lunch together once/week: in person and unmasked, but outdoors. It’s been great to socialise in person; we had gotten together outdoors a couple of times earlier in the pandemic, but not all four of us together and not regularly. 

But now that Wife is fully vaccinated, there are more options. This weekend was busy!

Friday, I started the day by taking my first indoor, in-person dance class. [The studio is limiting class size (there were 6 of us plus the teacher), checking temperature and symptoms, and having everyone keep their masks on for class. The windows were wide open. I am pretty sure that the people who are willing to come to class in person have all been vaccinated, though the studio is not enforcing a rule about that--but 75% of the county is at least partially vaccinated at this point (not counting kids), and it’s higher in the areas close to the studio.] I was pretty emotional--after 11 years of taking class there 3-5 times per week except when I was out of town or unwell (and before that, ~15 years of taking class there whenever I was in town visiting), I hadn’t been in that building in 14 months. It is a building with 60 years of love infused in the walls. It had been the primary element in my self-care ever since I moved back here. While Zoom dance classes were better than nothing, they weren’t the same. Dancing in that space again, in a room with other people, really fed my soul.

After that, I met 2 of my coworkers for our picnic lunch, which was great, and then I went onto campus to see if I could see the Campanile peregrine falcons. One of the chicks (the one named Fauci) had fledged the day before, and I was wondering if the others might be getting close. (As it turned out, one of the others, Kaknu, fledged yesterday, and Wek’-Wek’ fledged today!) But mostly, I was just hoping to see a falcon in my binoculars as I hadn’t seen one since I started using eBird, and I’m still collecting birds. I got to see both Fauci (still very clumsy at flying) and his mother Annie (soaring gracefully), and I heard Kaknu and Wek’-Wek’ screaming from the balcony where their nest is. Peregrine falcons are loud. (I wouldn’t have known who I was looking at, but there are trained volunteers as well as other bird enthusiasts hanging around there during fledging, ready to stage (or call for) a rescue if a chick ends up on the ground, and they informed me that Fauci was the one on the railing of the balcony and later that Annie was soaring around; I later saw Fauci fly a little.) I also heard and then saw a brown-headed cowbird, and later, a brown creeper pretty close up. 

We had a friend of Wife’s over for dinner, which was a novel experience. A person! In our house! No masks! We cooked dinner and drank wine (I got very tipsy on one glass; we have not been drinking for a while) and generally acted like people who knew how to interact with other people! A raging success all around!

Saturday, I went to a museum with one of my coworker-friends and her daughter! A museum! Inside! [Wife and I had gone to SFMOMA back in October during a dip in the pandemic, but only for a short time, and that was our only museum visit since... I guess probably since we were in Germany at the very beginning of January 2020.] This museum is owned by the university where I work, so it was free admission. It was great to look at some art! Of course we had to wear masks and avoid being too close to other visitors, but it still felt like a step toward normalcy.

Sunday I took the usual outdoor dance class! (Still masked, but there were a bunch of people there who I hadn’t seen in a long time!) It’s been a lifesaver, that outdoor class. For a while that was virtually all the socialising I was doing. In the evening, I went to my parents’ house for dinner and we watched the National Theatre Live production of A Comedy Of Errors on their TV. That was very fun and funny. They had one of the Antipholus-Dromio pairs speaking with Cockney accents and the other with Nigerian accents, which was a nice way to help the audience remember which was which.

Today was the long-awaited potluck family brunch. Now that we’re all vaccinated, my parents had everyone over to their house: Wife and me, my brother and his partners, my uncle, and also a cousin (who is a professor at the university and who we usually only see when her father (my dad’s brother) is in town) and her husband. I hadn’t seen this cousin in a few years (not since a Hamlet roulette performance, I think? which was over 4 years ago!), so it was nice to reconnect. I hadn’t seen my brother since Thanksgiving 2019, so I was super excited to give him a hug. His wife actually cried! For all of us, it was our first group gathering since the start of the quarantimes. As much as I had looked forward to it, I was still a little surprised by how much we actually enjoyed being with a group of other people! 

tl;dr: I’m feeling very, very grateful for the vaccines.