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theoncomingstrm · 7 years ago

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Sometimes it’s all you can do to not cry

So I’m an Apple girl. I have an iPad, I have a MacBook pro, I have an iPhone and have previously owned 2 apple watches (purchased 2, one for my ex (I know right? totally amazing gift that he absolutely hated) and one for me. One was my first Christmas gift from AtProperties, but previously I owning one, i knew it wasn’t my favorite, so I re-gifted it to my ex’s mother). After my ex ‘D’ used to talk down about apple, and how “stupid” its users were, because everything is so “dumbed down”, “simplistic” and propriatery, and nothing is “open source”, and only the Apple store can work on Apple products (actually not true. I have personally opened up MacBooks before and serviced them under the supervision of an IT professional). After every single window’s computer I have ever owned crashed on me causing me to lose hundreds of photos, songs, and just general data that I can never recover. I wanted and dreamed of a MacBook for years, But because he was an IT guy, he knew better with what “is best”, so that was never Apple in his eyes. I went for so long just going along with what he thought was best, I ignored what I wanted so desperately. So about 10 years ago I made the break from andriod which I would always fuck up the phones somehow and brick them. This will be my 3rd year with my MacBook Pro, MBP for short, and I love it. It has not crashed on me, I have had ZERO problems, and I don’t play games on my computer. So for photo editing, and everything I need, this computer is perfect. As much as I love new technology, and there have been times that I have thought about getting a Samsung edge, because that curve is just so damn sexy. I love my iPhone. Yes, I complain when it slows down, but I have always had wonderful photos that always came out amazing and when I can’t carry my real camera, this one is a pretty good substitute, I also have never had it just up and die on me. (I back my phone up regularly so in case that happens, I have it on my computer ready to put everything back the way that it was) Apple has its hooks DEEP in me (yeah this means I am highly considering the X). But I am really good with the Mac, and working in an office where I need to know both Mac and PC, this helps me in my day to day job. Being able to know how to fix really simple problems puts me ahead in my job (doesn't that mean I can take my iPhone x off on taxes? Because technically its research?)

My MacBook was my birthday present almost 3 years ago, and it’s been very good to me. I love the seamless synchronization that happens with my messages. I can message people on my MBP if my phone is dying. For me, it’s perfect, and though the reason for this blog is a stupid one, and honestly I shouldn't even be upset by this, I am. I’m upset because I don’t know how to tell my friend (that basically judged me because I am an apple person) that hardcore judgement and my experience with andriod and PCs in my personal life has made me love my MBP more. I’m not even going to bring up the fact that my ex basically bullied me to stay with PC and always talked down about the MAC users. Yes, it’s fixed programs, and yes I have virus protection and malware protection on my MBP, but that’s just more of a security blankie for me. No viruses, and no malware. (And let me tell you, that’s surprising for how many videos i watch....on youtube... yes on youtube! yup....youtube.... *clears history*, yup, only youtube.... lmao) Do I let it go? Or should I just let my friend gently know that it hurt my feelings, and that I just want to let them know that? Or am i being too sensitive? (sorry if things were redundant, or just don’t make sense, this was written while emotional)

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daddysliltoot · 7 years ago

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Day 20

30 DAYS OF JOURNAL WRITING FOR LITTLES

1. As a Dom/sub/switch do you have a little side?

This is fairly simple to answer, since this list is for littles ^.^ Yes! I have a little side and I love her! She’s been quiet lately and I miss her. That’s why I’m doing this challenge, so my Daddy and I can reconnect and rediscover our Daddy/little sides! 2. List your favorite little activities kinky or otherwise.

Video games, coloring, spankings, Daddy fussing, Daddy making my stuffies talk, shopping, dressing up all cute, ZOO DAYS, video games. Did I say video games?

….video gaaaames

3. What early experiences, looking back hinted at you being a little?

Daddy and I talk about this a lot, but I am having the worst fibro fog and can’t remember any specific examples. I’ve always loved stuffies and Disney movies and collected coloring books all the way through college. I’ve always been a little, but it wasn’t until I met my Daddy that she felt comfortable enough to come out and play. She belongs to Daddy through and through. Without Daddy, my little wouldn’t exist. <3

4. When did you realize that you were a little?

Ages and ages ago, Daddy and I started out as Mistress/slave. We were in an LDR and I flew out to spend a few weeks with them. One day, we went out and ran some errands and by the time we got back to their apartment, I was exhausted. So Daddy put me on the couch, wrapped me up in a blankie, and put on Wall-E for me to watch while they did a few chores. I was asleep within minutes. That was the first time we were DD/lg, though we didn’t know it. Fast forward to shortly after our wedding, and Daddy quietly asked me one night if I would call them Daddy. And that was it. They’ve been my Daddy ever since and that was about 8 years ago. 5. Do you have a Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? What do you/did you look for in one?

I answered this yesterday for another prompt, but I do have a Daddy, @tootsdaddy! I never looked for a Daddy, it was something we found after we got married, but I know I want someone to help me grow into a better person, to take care of me and who I can trust to take care of things so I’m free to be little.

6. What are your personal aftercare needs and are they being met by your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver?

The honest answer to this one is I don’t know. Partially because it’s been a long while since my last spanking (fibromyalgia diagnosis) and partially because I’m just not sure. Things I didn’t like in aftercare before (being held against Daddy’s chest (too hot and sensory overload), bright lights in the room, humming) may not bother me now that I’m getting the fibro under control. But I think, what sounds the most comforting to me, is me laying on my Teddy on my tummy, lights off, a fan blowing on my skin, while Daddy strokes my hair and back and feeds me grapes. Daddy held me and stroked my hair the other day while I was trying to rest and it was awesome. So I guess the answer to the second part is yes and no. I mean, how can my aftercare needs be met if I don’t even really know what they are? But when my booty owie heals (and we’re back in our own home), I think we’re going to try and get back to spankings and see how things go. Spanking are the only times I’d need aftercare, because I’m ace and my Daddy is super good about that <3. 7. How do you combat negative thinking/emotions?

Honestly, not very well. But when I feel them threatening to take over, I always tell my Daddy and they help distract me and cheer me up. Sometimes I vape to make it fade away, and that helps too. Coloring and getting lost in the design can help, but it’s also kinda dangerous because my form of self-harm is writing mean things on my skin with sharp pens until I bleed. Right now there are LOTS of bad thoughts in my head, but getting back into our home/away from judgey in-laws will help with that. One of our cats always seems to know when I’m having a bad brain day and he sticks close to take care of me until Daddy gets home. That cat literally saved my life when the negative thoughts were too much after I got some bad health news. 8. How have your needs and wants changed since you started exploring the lifestyle?

Oh Lord. Well, we entered into the lifestyle as Mistress/slave. Then it shifted to Sir/slave. Then we realized that I am super bad at slave and Daddy was super bad at Sir and Daddy asked if I would call them Daddy and it was perfect. Still is perfect. We’ve only been dipping our toes back into the lifestyle, since we’re still living with Daddy’s parents (WE MOVE HOME TONIGHT AAAAAAAAH), but even just that taste is everything we’ve been missing.

One thing that has really changed since the beginning of our Daddy/girlie journey is sex. In the beginning, our relationship was very sexual, partially because we spent a lot of time on Fetlife and that site is all about the sex. But over time we began to realize that we were having sex because it was The Thing To Do, not because we craved it. We delved a bit more and realized that I’ve never really enjoyed sex, it’s just always been something I did because it was expected of me. So I’m in my 30s and slowly embracing an ace identity, which Daddy 300% supports, which i am so grateful for.

So yeah, what I look for now is for my Daddy to care for me and protect me and spoil me, not for Daddy to fuck my brains out. I realized my favorite part of sex was the aftercare. I love spankings, but they just aren’t sexual anymore. I remember thinking “I wish I could dress up cute and bounce around and be super little without it leading to sex” and now it doesn’t. And my little feels safe and happy and free since we decided to take sex out of the equation. It seems strange, but it helped our marriage immensely. We’re both happier and that is all that matters. 9. How have your needs and wants changed within your current or previous relationship?

For me, the answer to this is pretty much the same as the answer to yesterday’s, because this is the only Daddy/little relationship I’ve had or ever will have. 10. How do you recover from the ending of a Big/lil relationship?

I’ve never had a Big/lil relationship en…wait. I have. I had an Uncle once. It was never an official thing and it was kept strictly online and Daddy approved of it, of course. I grew very, very attached to him and he helped me through a rough time in my life, but then he just…disappeared. And it broke my heart. But it wasn’t my primary relationship and I had my Daddy to help me work through the sadness. But it was hard to recover from, my little just didn’t understand. She still doesn’t and I don’t think she ever will. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think part of me will ever recover, unless he appears again with an explanation. 11. How do your Daddy/Mommy/Caregivers ethics/morals match or differ and how do you handle these differences? What would you do if you realized that they were drastically different?

We match on just about everything, thankfully. There are little things that we’ve disagreed about, like using the same TTC transfer twice (cheating the TTC out of a fare) or when I first wanted to become vegetarian, they still ate meat, but only for a week or two. But even those, we usually end up talking them out and coming to an agreement. If things were drastically different….I don’t know what I would do. If We hadn’t matched so well in the beginning, I probably would have ended things but now I’d probably just try to explain my point of view and try to understand theirs and once again find some middle ground. 12. What are some things that you would never do and do not want to even think about? This can be your hard limits or other aspects in your life.

The thing that first popped to my mind here is go back to work. If it became absolutely necessary for us to survive, obviously I would do it, but it’s no bueno. Daddy and I are both happier with me as a stay at home lil elephant. At least, I think they’re happier *anxieties*. Anyway, yeah. Between my illnesses (fibro,CFS, diabetes, anxiety, depression) and my littleness, work just isn’t good for me, I have a really hard time being little when I’m also holding down a job. And that’s okay. I don’t have to work to have worth. 13. How do you vet a Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver? Describe your process of checking them out before you meet or play with them, or any new or potential play partner.

I don’t. I’ve only had Daddy and Daddy became my Daddy after we were married. 14. Do you think that being in love with your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver will change the dynamic? For the better or worse?

I mean, of course it changes the dynamic, I can’t imagine being in a relationship like ours without love, though I know it’s done. But yeah, being in love with my Daddy is the bestest thing ever. 15. If you could clear up any misconceptions from the public about the relationship between littles and their caregivers, what would that be?

*stands up real tall so everyone in the back can hear me*

16. How has being part of this lifestyle helped improve your life?

How *hasn’t* it? Honestly, I don’t know if I’d be here without it. It’s obviously brought Daddy and I so much closer and it’s made it easier for me to accept that I can’t work. It’s made me feel safe and whole when I may not have otherwise. It’s made some of the care I need for my illnesses become less about my disabilities and more about Daddy taking care of their lil elephant. It brought the zoo into our life, which has had such an amazing impact. I honestly can’t think of any part of my life that being little *hasn’t* touched. Even my in laws, who know nothing about my little, tend to gravitate towards little things like stuffies or hair bows for me when Christmas comes around. It’s made me happier and calmer and a better me.

17. Is there any aspect of the lifestyle you are curious about or that you would like to try to learn more about?

To be really honest, we’ve been at this for nearly a decade now, everything we’ve been curious about, we’re tried. Now we’re just settling into our happy place and it’s awesome.

18. How does this type of relationship differ from a vanilla relationship and how do you keep it fresh, vital and strong?

For me, the biggest difference between our relationship and the vanilla relationships I had in the past is that my little feels safe and free. I don’t have to hide her or ignore her, I can let her out to play with my Daddy, which never happened with any of my boyfriends. There’s extra layers of trust and protection and dependence that comes with this kind of relationship that I don’t think I could do without anymore. As far as keeping it vital and strong, talk. Communication is an essential part of every relationship, but not communicating can be the absolute downfall of this relationship. That’s what happened with me and Daddy, life got crazy stressful, I got sick, and we stopped talking about Daddy/little stuff. It just didn’t seem as important as the other stuff in our lives, which was absolutely wrong. Which is why we’re doing these lists, to reopen those lines of communication and so far it has been wonderful!

19. What are your feelings about long distance relationships and the lifestyle? What about on-line relationships?

Daddy and I started as an online relationship that turned into an LDR that turned into a marriage. Daddy and I are also very, very aware that we are the exception to the rule. The connection you feel online is very different than the connection you feel during an in-person visit. And that connection is different that the one you feel when you start living with someone. Heck, after eight years of marriage, the connection we have now is miles and away different from the connection we had when we were newlyweds. It is absolutely possible for those connections to all jive and work together, we’re living proof of that! But more often than not, the person you are online is different than who you are in person. And who you are in person on a date is different than who you are when you’re home with roommates. It’s true of all of us and there’s nothing wrong with it. But it does mean that what is working online isn’t always going to work in person. And vice versa. It takes a lot of work to make it happen, love isn’t just some heart and flowers fairytale that happens overnight. If you want to build a lasting relationship, it takes hard work from everyone involved.

That isn’t to say that there isn’t a place for online or LDR relationships, there absolutely is! And because Daddy and I started online, our communication lines are way more open than a couple who met at a bar and started dating. We got into the habit of talking, just talking, sharing everything about our lives just to talk to the other person. And it’s carried through into our marriage.

Another aspect of LDR that I don’t think people think about enough is what is the endgame? For aces, are you content with an online/LDR relationship, or do you still crave the comfort of touch? How is the long distance part of LDR going to end? For us, it was me moving to another country, leaving family and friends behind, a 18 hour drive away, and depending completely on Daddy and Daddy’s family until I could get my permanent residency and begin to work, a process that took nearly two years. It was an intensely stressful time for all of us, but again, it brought us all closer together. But it was *hard*. I cried a lot that first year or so. I was happy, very happy, but I was also so homesick. For my family and friends, yes, but also for a familiar culture. Canada is very similar to the US, absolutely, but it is also wildly different. For those who are familiar with McDonald’s, imagine walking into a McDonald’s with your usual order in mind and finding nothing familiar on the menu except a basic hamburger and fries. That kind of stuff, little stuff that can build up easily and make you feel like an outsider real quick. But this is my home now, I’ve been here nearly a decade and that last time we went to the States, I felt that same culture shock, only now it was on the other side, which was a shock in and of itself.

So yeah. LDRs and online relationships can ABSOLUTELY turn into forever, in-person relationships and they are so wonderful when they do. But the facts are, most don’t, and that’s okay. It’s still a relationship and you still learn from it. They are in no way less that in-person relationships because at the end of the day, it’s still 2 (or more) people connecting. But it takes work.

20. How open are you about your lifestyle, to your family and friends?

I’m open, but I’m not. If anyone ever asked me point blank about being a little, I’d happily confess to it. But I don’t advertise the fact, you know? But “daddy” is part of our usernames on quite a few websites and if people start to get curious about it, we say it’s for the cats XD. But we also have the luxury of living on our own with the ability to distance ourselves or hide certain aspects. I have a playroom with a permanent blanket fort. In the fort is a bed and we call it a guest room. You’d be surprised how many “adults” love the idea of a blanket fort. So I’m not really hiding, I’m just not overt about it.

21. How do you express your little side?22. Write a love letter to your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver or future one, letting them know how thankful you are to have them in your life.23. Do you test boundaries at times, to see how far you can go? If so, what are the consequences?24. What are some of the small things that your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver can do for you to make you feel special?25. Is it easier for you to be honest when it does not cause pain to another? If so why? Do you have a harder time being completely honest if it will hurt someone? 26. How do you know if you have the time or energy to be involved in a 24/7 dynamic? 27. How do you feel about being shared or given to another for a specific period of time by your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver?28. How often do you take on to many tasks and then find yourself drowning in them? 29. Have you ever broken a rule in your current or previous dynamic? If so, what was the consequence? Did you learn your lesson?30. Is trust absolutely necessary in your Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver to be able to give over complete control and your total submission?

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